Tuesdays with Stories! - #671 Three Blind Mikes

Episode Date: September 1, 2026

Mark gets his coconut rejuvenated! Joe heads to Westport, MO and gets compared to a grade-A hunk! Mark heads to Nantucket for a beach day with a private chef! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - Download the DraftKings Sports app now. New customers sign up with code TUESDAYS & spend $5 to get $200 in rewards within 21 days @ https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps - Sheath. The underwear of legends. Go to https://www.sheath.com/TUESGAYS and use code TUESGAYS for 20% off.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at me Oh, look at that. You look great. American History X. Oh, if I showed you, I looked like Slingblade. Yeah, I don't want to see it. You said you're like, do you want me to see a photo? I'm like, no, I don't.

You're the only guy who said no. Every, Liz from the seller, Sam, Sallel, everybody wanted to see it. It's like when you're, if you're dying, I'm not going to come visit. I can't see you like that. I appreciate that. Yeah, I'll let the good times. I'll let the memory. What is it?

Remember the good times, as they said. Yeah, let the good times roll. Yeah, the top of my head looks like. a big swollen pussy. It's like, now I want to see it. I love a big swollen pussy. I'll send you a photo with a hot dog next to it. I mean, it looks like somebody

really slammed it. Well, I feel like your rods and cones are screwed it because you sent me the bandage photo twice in two different text threats. I did? Yeah, you sent it to us, and we had a bunch of comments. And then the next day, you sent it to me solo, and I was like, I already saw it. I can't give it the same lines again. So I was like, he's out of his tits.

I'm all medicated out. I'm like Anna Nicole Smith out here. It's bad. I'm Lindsay Clancy. Who was Anna Nicole Smith again? Was that O.J.'s friend? No, that's the big titted blonde and playboy. But shouldn't she fuck somebody? Naked gun 33 to third.

That's where I'm thinking O.J. Ah, yes. But wasn't she famously with somebody? The old guy who was in a wheelchair. She married the old guy. Huh. She was like the first one to marry the old guy. He croaks.

She gets the dough. Right, right, right. That's right. And she's dead now. Big dead tits. I kind of forget. My brain is getting all whacked out. Remember who's who and what's what?

Tell me about it. I'm sleeping on a pillow. They got me like a corpse. I can't sleep by side. I'm a side sleeper, Jerry. I'm a big fetal. I'm all fetal. All the time.

Yes. Same. Feetal position. How about Tim Curry died the day after Dolly Parton? Both exactly 80. Hey, Dolly. Timing. Coat of many colors.

Yeah, good old dog. Another big titted blonde. Yeah, yeah. You know, he tweeted he's like, I'm sorry, but if everybody loves you, you didn't take any chances and then everyone was like fuck you you big piece of shit fuck off boy people are retarded what the old anti-dolly parton take who what a take everybody's off the reservation you gotta have a you gotta have a hot thing now because you gotta make it about you let me get the attention it's so weird also there's many many many many beautiful wonderful artists

that didn't have some crazy controversy of course of course terrific terrific artists I thought that's what we were going for. You got to have a controversy now? Right. You got to be, you got to say something. You got to piss someone off. Also, it's funny because, and respectfully, nice guy. But you're like, a lot of these people, what if they have controversy the wrong way?

That's what I'm saying? What if they were like, what if she was like, fuck, fuck Palestine, I hope they all die. Right. That would be a controversy. Would you be happy with that? Well, that's Jerry. Jerry, Jerry never said that. But it'd be like saying, well, Cosby, he took some chances.

Yes. You know, or hey, how about Harvey? Yeah, he was going for it. Although they're alive. But you know what I mean? Yeah. And Cosby, I think, in his work, wasn't controversial. True.

I think it's controversial that he pretended to be a doctor. Everybody wasn't really a doctor. And a guy know at that. Oh, on the show. But in real life, he was going by Dr. Cosby. He was Dr. Huxable and Dr. Cosby. Well, back of the old days in the 80s, they would just give you a doctorate. Remember that?

They'd be like, you did some good work, a hell of a comic, a TV show. Come on in and get your plaque. I think it's like, sir. Yes, it's Sir. We have Dr. They have Sir, we have Doctor. Dr. John, Dr. Hook. Big Sir. Dr. John.

I already said him. Oh, Dr. Papadopoulos. Dr. Doctor, give me the news. I got a bad case of loving you. Doctor, my eyes. In the slow parade of tears without crying. Yeah. Great line.

Unwise. I was always thinking, how's he going to rhyme that? Unwise. That's good. Well, he's the best. The literal actual best. You think so? I think so.

All right. Well, it's Prine, too. Prine, Jackson Brown. They're top two for me. What's matter of Chuck? Chuck's doing math out loud over there. This is my impression of Chuck just out. What's going on?

Nothing? Yeah. I'm like, well, fucking shut your mouth then. Pryne number. I was writing down the number of the episode. Oh. She's like 48, 51, 61. Definitely, definitely 61.

A lot more than 86 toothpicks. No, Dolly. Dolly's out, but Dolly, her big tits shadowed Hayden Penitieri. Hayden Penitory? Who's that? She was a Disney whore who killed herself. Salvador Dolly Parton. I didn't know about that.

Just now? Bound you got pardon. She died about a week before, Dolly. She can't kill herself. Did she? I thought it was a drug overdose. Well, I think it was self-inflicked. Too many drugs. Yeah, she had some problems.

She's a little sloppy. Dolly rules. She's iconic. I mean, so many great songs. Code of Many Colors. Jolid. I will always love you. Nine to five. Rainbow something.

There's a rainbow. I forget the name of that song, but I like it. Bright rainbow of assholes. Reading rainbow. That's it. Something like this. Yeah, she had a book club. She was in some flicks. She tried to, Elvis was such a big fan of,

and she was a fan of Elvis. And he was like, can I sing your song? She was like, of course, Mr. King. You sing your song, you can eat me out, whatever you want. And the big hoss manager, that guy, the crooked guy, the, the crook, crooked guy, Hick. The colonel. Sanders, he goes, whoa, whoa, if Elvis is singing your song, he gets the money. And she was like, well, it's my son. Why would I pay him? And she's like, he's like, well, it's Elvis.

You got to pay Elvis to sing. And she goes, well, then I'm keeping the song. So Elvis didn't get to do it. Cut to 30 years later, Whitney. Whitney. Whitney coming. She goes, I'd like the song. Here's some money.

And Dolly goes, you got it, Blackie. And she gave her $10 million. Which I much prefer Dollies. It's much sadder version. If you ever listen to Dolly, it's like a sad. lady. It sounds like she's just in a room by herself crying. Whitney, great, but she's like, ha! She's like big sounds and stuff. I like the Whitney. I want to get, we're going to do it. Let's do it.

I know, but it's too grand. I like, uh, it's the same with the little of my friends, Beatles versus Cocker. He's like, Oh, yeah, yeah. Just give me a sad ass Ringo jerking off by himself. I'm with you. By the way, Whitney, she had pipes. What do you mean? Crack pipe. Oh, crack pipes. Hey.

I was thinking Whitney Cummings. I switched over. I'm a little mushy. By the way, for the people at home, it's 8.58 in the morning. I know. My kid's in a coffin right now. Oh, boy. Wait, no, what?

I just mean, I got them tied up. I can't do two at once. Oh, I said. I had to tie him to the radiator. Where's the fucking lady? What time does she get here? I told her to kick rocks. She hit him, so I fired her.

Oh, nice. Good for you. Thank you. What are we talking about? I don't know where the fuck I am. I'm in. All over the wrong. road. I got no notes. I was on the way over here. I'm like, I don't even have a single note,

but I came up with some stuff. It's up here. Yeah. You got a new haircut. This is quite a pastel here. I just throw stuff on. This has got giz on it. This has got come on it. I can't tell what's going on. Like magenta. Is this grimace? I'm not sure. It's all fabletics. By the way, Fabletics, we love fabletics. These people, it's like we're being pranked. Yes. I get a fucking Santa Claus bag worth of Fabletics every day. Oh, yeah. My landlord or whatever the fuck you call it, door guy is like, what's going on up there? Who's fagletics? Why are you wearing all this stuff?

I mean, I got hats, onesies, sunglasses. It never ends. Soups, tube tops, high socks, low socks, panty hose. You know what you feel? I feel like Wiley Coyote. You know, he would come home be like, ah, I got my box to kill the Roadrunner. Every day I come home, there's a giant bag. I'm like, aha, I have my tools.

It's crazy. And then my kid's like, I got a new toy. I'm like, no, I got 75 pairs of zipper pants. Yeah, yeah. There's no tools. and toys. It's panties and zip ups and fishnets. I got to move just so I can fit all the Fabletics. So thank you,

Fabletics. So this is all Fab, all the time. Yeah, the Fab Five. But where are you been? I mean, I haven't seen you since 85. Well, this is the problem with the hair situation. Everybody I've talked to is like, you're crazy. I took two weeks off. I shut the blinds.

I turned the lights off. I locked the door. Oh, that was dry. And, yeah, that hurt. And So they're like, what are you nuts? So I did two pods yesterday, two shows. I wanted to go to yours, but I just couldn't. I was on the subway like this.

I got the hat. I looked like a serial killer. I looked like a guy in the 80s who just got out of prison. You look just like Joe Madouse, who runs the Comedy QS Comedy Club. Oh, really? You looked like him. You walked in. I thought it was Madouse.

I'm sorry, Madouse, but I'm doused an ointment here, and it's not pretty. But it's been hell on earth. I'm not an upkeep guy, Jerry. I don't bathe. I don't wash my hands. I don't wipe my ass. I don't upkeep. I mean, I wipe my ass.

But you know what I mean? They don't wash after the ass. After the ass wash. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. I have to do two Epsom salt baths a day. Two shampoos a day. I have to ice my head six times a day.

I have to do a monoxidil bullshit in the back. I mean, it's a full-time job. Did you look into any of this before? Zero research. And we talked with this off air. Every single person, I mentioned this to it was like, Mark Norman, he has hair. Well, I agree.

I had hair, but I have curls. You can fluff with a curl. Ah, you fluff the curls. I fluff the curls. So when you see my hair wet, I won't dunk in a pool. I was like Trump. I wouldn't dump. I couldn't dunk because it would reveal everything.

So when I show you the photo, inevitably, you're going to go, holy shit. They put a lot of hair on your head. Yeah, all right. I can't wait to see. I'll see the final product. I want to watch the BTS. Beat up pussy. If I like it, maybe I'll look at the behind the scenes.

It's like, you don't watch behind the scenes of a movie you haven't seen. That's true. No one's like, let me put on the DVD extras before I watch this film. Yeah. Well, eight-hour surgery, you go in at 6 a.m. They pop you three ambient, two Vicodin and a plan B, and you lay in a chair. They put on Emily and Paris, and they just start stabbing your head. You don't get to choose the movie?

No, I get the pick. Well, I was out. I was out the whole time. So they're watching the film? They watched the movie and giggle. And they go, ah, look at this idiot. Oh, wow. And at one point, they wake you up and they go, hey, hey, hey.

You go, uh, they go, you got to pee? And you're like, I do have to pee because you've been laying there for four hours. So you get up, you pee. No catheter? No, no, I hate a cath. They waddle you back. You lay back down. They put back on Emily and Paris and they put you the more holes in your head.

And then they wake up you again in seven hours ago. You got to pee, and I went, I'm good. You know what you should do? Grow your hair out. You should have long hair. Well, my hair goes up. You could straighten. They do things. Black people do the stuff. Remember Sam Jackson

and Jackie Brown? Ah, what about, Kat Williams? I wouldn't mind back in Bridget Fonda. So you could go up. You could go, K-man. I could go K. I mean, are you excited to use product and swath and do stuff? It's such a nightmare, and when I take this hat off, I look like such a lunatic that escaped

from a prison in Alabama in the 40s that I just can't even think about. I just want to get through this. It's two weeks of boot camp, Jared. It's hell. Hell on earth the wife, I can't have sex, I can't, I can't exercise. Why can't have sex? You can't get the head, the heart pumping. Oh, geez, what about shows?

Show, I'm going to have to, I'm going to go stool. Can you go Mitch Headberg? I'm going Headberg. Wow. Staring at the floor, glasses, heroin. That's it. Wow, this is crazy. It's a nightmare.

Nobody talks about this part. That's because nobody, I think people do it in secret. I think they just disappear and come. back with a head of hair. Yeah, all these pussies out there, they hid. I'm on camera with this shit. This is going to haunt me

for the rest of my life. Right. Well, you look normal right now. Really? A guy with a hat on. No way. It's a high hat with the sides open. I mean, you look like

it's your first time wearing a hat. Okay. I'll take that. But yeah, you always look a little retarded. But I'm going to be on the plane like this. Oh, because you can't lean back? Can't lean back? Oh, I just saw a little snippet of the back.

Oh, yeah. What's going on in the back? Oh! Why, why? I don't know. It looks like a... A new clam? Yeah, I don't like it. All right. It looks like baby puss.

I don't like it one bit. All right. So you just have... Baby Pust... Baby Pus... Like a Bernie. Not Bernie. Bert Nernie.

I combine them. I'm Bert. You're Bert. Yeah, that's what May said. The same thing. You look like Bert. Wow. Yeah.

Free Bert. You're the cookie monster. Bert Kreiser. But, yeah, so it's been a hell. I'm sorry. I had to unload on you. I'm venting. Can you jerk off?

Yeah. Because that will get the blood pressure up. I'm doing it very casually like in a concentration camp, so I don't get caught. Now we're off on a topic. Does anyone jerk off in the concentration camp? You think you've got to save energy, but it must have happened. Save energy, but also you want to release. True.

Because when I get really stressed, the first thing I want to do is jerk off. And I imagine the concentration cap would be pretty stressful. And there's nude women everywhere, too, by the way. They're not looking their best. Yeah, I think they separated the men and the women a lot of times. from the footage of scene. You can get a gay out there. I mean, statistically, there's got to be some homosexual Jews.

Must have been a few gays. Yeah. Absolutely. But you are shacked up with a bunch of... They're sleeping on those cots, so it's hard to really crank. Now, I'm saying certainly there wasn't above, but there must have been one guy. Must have been six million people. Not to mention the survivor.

They're like 10 million people. Oh, yeah. About a 10 million. There must have been three guys beat off. Easily. It's crazy that tattooed fly. lion. All right. Well, this is easily the most crass topic. I don't know, easily. I mean, the early days of this show, forget about it. We did about 10 minutes on a big, big genocide in Japan there. Well, it's good to be back. But the funny thing is, I like the guy who tunes in, like, oh, wow, I got a hair shirt. Let me, let me watch that. Whoa, we're off on a Holocaust jerk.

Yeah, yeah. What can you do? All right. So, good to be back. I long for the old days. I miss my hands. I miss my hands. my life. I bet. You think, oh, I got a baby, I do the road, we got pocket, you think that it's so hard, then you throw a wrench in the gear, and it just makes you realize how good you had it. So when, when, what is the, is it throbby or buzzy or numby right now? What's the sensation up top right now? Sensitive, sensitive.

If an acorn fell on my head, I'd have to lay down for an hour. Oh, wow. I mean, it's, uh, I'm chicken little. Gee, whiz. Yeah, it's bad. It's bad. The night is bad. You have to gently massage.

That was May helping? Is she going, hey, let me put the creams on. You're a good man. I rub your feet. Touch your dick. A little. She picked me up like an abortion. Okay.

That was nice. I had the turban on. I got the fist from the Muslim. That was nice. And the Uber. He gave me a cross-eye. I got in. He was like,

ah. Well, you're very tan. You could be Muslim. I could be Muslim. I could be a buzz. I could be buzz. Yeah. I had to.

I thought you could play a Muslim in a comedy. Okay, a comedy. Like a drama that sniff you out and be like, get this guy out of here. But if you're doing a sketch, you put a turban on and a beard, they go, oh, there he is. I can wear sandals and fly a plane

for a short amount of time. Yeah. Short flight. Yeah, or a vest. So she picked me up, and I'm not a healthy guy. I feel guilty enough because I have to be so...

I'm going to bed at 10. I'm pampering. I'm complaining, so I feel bad enough. I see. So I don't want to ask you for anything. That's nice. But, yeah, so got it all out. In two weeks, we're going to look back, but when you're in the throes of it, it's really hell.

Well, I always think that when people have, like Ryan Hamilton, for example, who got the bus got hit by a bus, the hoof, the guys that, like, you don't pay attention to the recovery. You watch a football game, a guy gets his head fucking spleen, cut in half, beat to death, or UFC boxing. watch a guy, the end of the fight, his face looks like Paul Dano in prisoners. Yes. Yes. And then the next time you see him, he looks fine. Exactly. So you're like, oh, wow, nice recovery, dude, and he's in a fight again.

Yeah. But we missed the part where there's ice picks on his dick and ice packs on his ass. Exactly. And, you know, he's in rehab and he's in the swimming pool and all that stuff. I mean, how many UFC fights where they just fight, they get the bag beaten out of them? Then six months later, you're like, all right, Gagey's fighting again.

It looks normal. But see, these guys are smart. They go, I got to recover. Cinemax, smoothie, feed up, BJ. Right. I'm the idiot doing pods. I'm going to Pittsburgh today. I got three shows on Saturday, which I didn't realize.

I got a three o'clock. Oh. So I am fucked. And what about the air pressure on the plane? Is that going to be an issue? It feels like it wouldn't be great. Big issue. My ears pop when I'm on a plane.

Had to lie about the plane. So they said, are you flying? You said, no. My Merry Poppins, of course not. I'm staying right on the ground. Now, have you asked chat GPT or Google or Jeeves, what's going to happen to your skull when you go 40,000 feet? What, 35,000 feet above your head, you asshole? You son of a bitch, but...

Bastard. There it is. Thank you. Now, I thought about this, and I knew you'd bring this up because you're a prickly peat, but... Turkey. I'm concerned for my friend. Oh, okay. Well, that's very nice.

Turkey. Everybody goes to turkey for a sandwich. and they all come back looking like Megamind. You know, they get the big old pinky in the brain. They're flying. I suppose, but are they in Turkey for two weeks at the sauna getting their asses kissed? Maybe. Well, we got a chuck, Chuck on the phone phone.

Find out head surgery. What's the procedure called? Hair plugs? Hair implants. Fake tits. I don't know. Hair plants. Hair plants?

Hair plants? Hair plugs. Hair plugs. Hair plug. You think that's it? Hair plugs? Hair plugs. I think it's hair restoration if you really like it.

Yeah, it's probably some bullshit. It's probably, you know, like rhinoplasty, but you put nose job in. ChatGBT is going to know what the fuck you're talking about. Thank you. Put in hair restoration. Hardware. Flying. Yes.

Is it okay to... Oh, wait. Here we go. All right. It says flying is generally okay after a hair restoration procedure. Hey, some good news. Finally. If you mean a hair restoration.

Hair transplant. Is that what you got? Yeah, I think so. Trans. Short flight is usually okay. Short flight. Pittsburgh's like 80 minutes. Is that right?

That's nothing. It says be careful in the first 48 hours. So you're good. It's been a lot of the hours. Monday. You're good. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday, Thursday, Wednesday, Thursday, Thursday, Friday, Sunday, Sunday, Friday, Sunday, Saturday.

Paper money. Okay. So we're good. Yeah, you're fine. You're outside of the window. You're going to be great. Hallelujah. I think you go, you do seven shows or eight show, whatever it is.

You come back Sunday You're going to have a fistful of money Your hair will have four more days or whatever Some people will bring you some narcotics You're gonna feel like a new man Thank you boy, thank you for you You're the only guy who's been nice to me Sunday's gonna be Primo

Everybody's been giving me shit Punch me in the balls Fisting my assholes so I appreciate the positivity Well I also think in general in life When you're dealing with a thing Particularly at home Then you go do some other stuff You see some other faces

get some fresh microbiome, different atmosphere. You know, you bump into a heckler, a guy, a doorman, the opener. You go through some stuff. Yeah. The time you come back, you're like, oh, this is great. That's true. It's like kind of when you have the shits and then you go on stage. Like stage health.

Cures it right up. I think it's actually maybe the best thing for you. All right, all right. Well, hey, I don't know if you're being sarcastic, but I'll take it. I'm serious. All right, great. I need it. Mentally.

I mean, physically, I can't speak for it. It might be the worst thing that's ever happened. Big mistake physically. But yeah, I'm just going to sit in that hotel room like Howard Hughes, pissing a jar, and watch back to the future. Now, who you got opening? I got a guy named Ray Zawadney. Razor? Wadney?

Ray. Oh, thank God. Well, he's a Polack from the, he's a local. Oh, okay. They're all Polack. A low lock, yeah. He's a local Polack. I thought his name was Razor.

I didn't like the sound of that one bit. He's got the same haircut as you. Yeah, I've had enough of those. No more Razors for me. but Razor's Edge, but he's a local guy, he's a Yinser, so he's done to need a hotel. Okay, that's going to be nice. Yeah, yeah. So, shit, I had a thing to say, but I can't remember.

But I do have next weekend off. Okay. So I'm really going to just play with the boy, and he keeps trying to touch it, that sick fuck. I bet, yeah. Because, you know, why wouldn't he? He's like, what is this, doll hair? I like dolls. I think it could be traumatic, too, when you get your head all shaved.

They're like, who's this guy? Yeah, it's like when they shaved the beard and those very. videos. But I showed up and he went, which was very painful. I see. You don't want to scare your boy. No, now you don't. But kids are nice, because if you're ugly, they still love you. That's true. Good news for Chuck. Oh,

geez. You don't even have a kid. Shot fired. All right, Rupert. He calls him ugly. He doesn't care about the kid comment. Oh, sorry. I mean, he is ugly, but he doesn't need to hear it. The glove of God. He's doing fine. He's valed mini-women. I'm kidding. You look great.

I'm suspicious of that. It's insane that you think it's not true. I think he's full of baloney. I got pictures. I've seen the pictures and that makes me more convincing. But yeah. I know we can just get a picture. That's true.

I get a picture of Celine Dion. It doesn't mean I hate her out. I'm in the pictures. I want to Photoshop. You can do anything. Forget about it. Lee Harvey Oswald with the shadows, remember? Ah, yes, yes.

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I'm moving to St. Louis, and I'm going to tell you why. Oh, here we go. Well, first. of all, Greg Warren lives out there. Nikki Glazer lives out there. That she does. Well, right now she's in Manhattan, but that's where she lives

most of the time. That's not a private matter. I think everyone knows that. I think she's open about that. Yeah, she's got a house in St. Louis. Greg Warren lives in St. Louis. And... The arch.

I go to the show, the hoof. I did the Westport Funny Bone, which is just a throwback. You talk about Back to the Future. It's like hopping into Delorean. You go in there. It's that dark red, because it's mixed with Come and black soot.

Smoke from 80s. Patty still smokes. How about this? Patty, legendary waitress. Still there? Still there? Wow. She's been there for 150 years. Wow.

Burger Patty. She's 155 years old. She's been there forever. Still smokes at the end of the show. Lights up a cigarette. And after what she goes, you know who you look like? Oh, here we go. Oh, boy.

This is not good. This is, you're going to fall off. Your wig's going to fall up. Elmo? I go, I don't know. What do I look like? Here we go. You look exactly like Charlie Daniels.

The musician? Pull up Charlie Daniels. The country singer? Well, first of all, everyone immediately goes, what the fuck you're talking about? He's 300 pounds. He's got a beard. He's sweaty. He wears a cowboy hat.

And she goes, yeah, no, not the singer. The comedian, Charlie Daniels. I don't know. And we're all going, I don't know Charlie Daniels is a comedian. I just know the musician. And then she goes, no, Chad. Okay. Chad Daniels.

She goes, dead on, perfect match for Chad Daniels. I'm like, I'm sorry, Chad. Are you out of your mind? I hope he never hears this. I got graveyard teeth, the jawline of a chicken. My forehead is 75 feet high. I got glasses. Chad Daniels is a hump.

He's a hot stud of a dilf. He's married to the hottest comedian of all time. I'm married to number two. There you go. And I'm like, she goes, look at him. Now, this is the problem with all these, you look like them. They bring out the whole staff. Hey, get a load of this.

Charlie Daniels, everybody. Bob, Steve, take a look. Come over here. Patty thinks Joe looks like Chad Daniels. So then it becomes a roast. It's like I'm on the corner in Harlem at midnight. Sure, sure, sure. It's like, look at this motherfucker.

This motherfucker don't look like no Chad Daniels. I'm like, I know. I don't look like Chad Daniel. You look like a motherfucker. You're the ugliest son of a bitch I ever saw. All right, yes, I know. Chad's a hot motherfucker piece of ass. Yeah.

Bacocke. Don't go in. All right, everybody. Have a good time. And she's complimenting me. I mean, you should take it. You should take it. Well, of course I'm taking it.

I would love to look like Chad Daniels. He's like a hockey playing, fist-fighting mountain man with millions of dollars. And a hilarious stand-up comedian. And one of the best comics, as is his wife. They're a power couple, for God's sakes. New special, by the way, on Netflix. Kelsey Cook, check it out. I forget the name of it.

I don't even know if I forget the name. I don't even know if I ever saw the name of it. I don't even know if I ever saw the name of it. I don't get the name either. But she's very funny. Also, Zach Amico and Tim Butterley both have half-hour specials out. Bring the pain. On YouTube.

Buddy's special I watch. It's great. He's hilarious. He's a funny guy. His Twitter is really good. Yeah. But by the way, another beef. I got a lot of beefs.

You know, blind, Mike, this fucking piece of shit. I'm Legion of Skanks. You know him. He's blind. He's always walking around. He puts a camera in your face. Yeah. Say Alicus?

Different, different guy. He might be blind based on the footage I've seen. Yeah. The filming would say so. Well, Blind Mike comes up. He goes, hey, he always gets you when you leave it. You're on your way out of the club. Hate the leaving get. And he goes, yeah, yeah, can I grab you for, we're making a doc about these specials. What do you have to say about comedy specials? And if I go, ah, we shouldn't even do comedy specials. There's too many. And if you're doing the special, you should kill yourself. All right, good night. I got to go home. Thank you. He puts this in some doc. Now there's videos of Nick Mullen being like, fuck him. He's done five specials himself. We've got to kill. Nick Mullen's like, we need to murder Joe List. Now I got people. People writing at me being like, we're going to kill you because of Nick Mullen.

You got a feud going. And then Butterley's like, fuck Joe Lee. He put out nine specials this piece of shit. Jeez. And fucking stupid blind mic takes me going, ah, we shouldn't even do comedy specials. And then... Three blind mics. He goes, well, I need more advice.

And then I give earnest advice, nice stuff. Ernest B. Worrell. He cuts that out. Oh, of course. It's all the hot clips. Gutsches. Well, we're going to put that link right here just to keep it going. So blind Mike, suck my...

ass. Then I see him the other day. He's like, hey, thanks for doing it. It was a big help. And I'm like, you fuck me. You fuck me, Mike. I'm getting death threats because of you, your piece of shit. Damn, wow. Mullen went after Cruising Joe. Yeah, well, what are you going to do? Geez, Mullen. He knows Kung Fu. I know some kung fu. Okay. Kung Fu. Too Kung Fu. Julie Numer.

Thanks for everything. But anyways, I'm only kidding. Now I'm going to see Blind Mike. He's going to be crying. He won't see you. That's true. But anyway, so yeah, I look like Chad Daniel. Hey, I think more Charlie, but I'll take it. I mean, I feel bad for Chad. We don't look alike. But it felt great.

I mean, that's the hottest guy I've ever been to compared to. Yeah, I mean, maybe Chad Daniels after some Jack Daniels. But Patty, she's old. I love Patty. She's awesome. Anyways, the club is great, but it's got those dirty carpets, hot crowds, the old sign. Love it. It's just a fun place to be.

And I had, you know this guy, Luca Farrow? You know Luca? No, you brought him up last time. He's wonderful. He's a real dago. Real Guinea, Chicago Guinea guy. This guy, he's 30 years old. He smokes cigars.

We had a nice cigar time. This guy bites his cigar and gnaws on it. It's like he's like 85. He's like Quint from his jaws. Geez. We're going to need a bigger boat. Yeah, he's just gnawing on his cigar like a psycho. So we had a great time.

He emcee. He's out there doing a movie. Steve Burns making a movie. Oh, hell yeah. So Luke is out there making the movie. I shit myself. That was false. Your head just popped up.

Ooh, that hurt. It'd be fun of you taking a shit and your hat goes flying off. I guess so. I don't know. Anyways. So Luke is out there. We're smoking cigars.

He's chewing on the cigar. Now this guy, he's one of these guys. I would give it all up to be a hot guy. If I could be hot for a year, man, it's a different life these guys are living. I know. Well, you're Jeff Daniels. He shows up. He's got all these threads. He's got, like, Guinea threads. He walks like, uh, like, he's, like, he's, like, he's, Saturday Night Fever.

Yes. And I got Matt Wayne's featuring. Luke is going to emcee. And, you know, you get a lot of fucking shithead emcees out there. So you're like, all right, this week, we got a buddy of mine. We got a real guy. He's a comic. He's funny. I know him. He's going to be fantastic. We meet up. We go to the Mexican place right next to the club. I go, Matt, this is Luca, Luca, Matt. You guys are going to be working together. And you go, yeah, all right.

So we sit down, we're waiting for the food. We met up six seconds ago. Hot blonde walks up. She goes, excuse me, are you single? Toluca, obviously. Excuse me, you single? Yeah. She goes, I got to get your number.

You're the hottest guy I've ever seen in this town ever. She goes, you've got to be visiting. You've got to be visiting. And he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm from Chicago. I live in New York. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. This is crazy. Let's get numbers here.

She's like, you're single. What are you? How long are you in town for? I don't know, three days? Three days will do. Are you kidding? I swear to God. It was like a punk.

It was like a movie. Oh, my Lord. Who the fuck is this guy? And he's, you know, he's sitting all cool, Indian style. He's got, you know, Italian clothes or criss-cross, apple come, whatever. He's sitting there like that. Yeah, all right. And the girl's hot.

Booty shorts, hat, fucking blonde hair. Pull this guy up. And she goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, he gets the number. And then she texts. She goes, hey, hey, baby. And he's like, hey, baby. He's calling her babe. Wow.

He gets free pie. Oh, my God. I've never seen anything like it. in my life. A woman approached him. And then the Thursday night show, there's some woman there, she's a stripper. She comes up afterwards and is like, hey, what are you doing after this? He's like, I don't know, I'm going to get a

he doesn't drink. I'm going to get a non-alcoholic beer. She goes, well, I have a non-alcoholic beer with you. He's got two women, one on each arm. Oh, my Lord. First night, and he's emceeing. Oh, my God. I've never heard of such a thing. Who is this guy? There's course this party that's like, hey, lady, I'm the headliner. I look like

Charlie Daniels over here. Come on. Exactly. You kidding. I'm begging Kelsey Cook. So it's crazy. He's just out talking to women. He's got to all the ladies. He's coming at him. Wow. You got to give me the Dennis Falcone?

What's his last name? Luca Farrow. Oh. F-E-R-R-O. Wow. Man, this is unbelievable. And he's funny, too, by the way. And funny.

He's funny. He's tall, long, beautiful hair. The kind of hair you get surgery for. He's a beautiful man. Holy shit. He looks like a magician. It's a little gay. All right.

He's good. Well, the ladies are. approaching him at a table in St. Louis, so he's doing all right. See, that's the key. If you're a hot guy, go to an ugly town. That's an ugly city right there. I got to move to St. Louis. Yeah, well, you'll fit right in, but I'm just saying, oh, yeah, he is cute. He's a handsome, I mean, I don't know why his hands on his face like that. Because he's going, oh, another pussy in my face? Oh, Nateland. Is he on Nate Land? I guess so. How do you get hooked up with Nate Land? Well, specials are over. These guys, they pretend to not be doing well when you see them, because they want help. Peyton Ruddy, that pimple, he does the same thing.

Peyton Ruddy's like, you know, I'm an open micer. If you could just take me along, it would really be great. I look at his Instagram. He's got 75 million followers. Yeah. I'm like, get the hell out of here. I got to help a homeless person. I want to help you.

Help me. Yeah, throw me something, mister. Help me, help you. But anyways. He's a cute guy. He's a cute guy, but I just, I was astonished. It was just, she threw herself right at him. Wow.

Wow. Wow. So this is a, what, cheesecake fact? No, this was at K. P. Peké, with a little Mexican place. Used to be fuzzy tacos, now it's KPK or something like that. He's going to be knee-deep in fuzzy tacos later with that those woppy fingers. He'll be eating some Peky. Pussy Kitchen.

But anyways, yeah. Holy, all right, Luca. Luca? Luca. I mean, that's just a cool name, too. Great name. What's your name? If you're drawn to a man who's hot and sexy and mysterious, and you walk over and you go, by the way, what's your name?

And he goes, Luca. Yeah. Forget about it. And you would say, Lou, every girl's name is Shelly, or Roberta, Patty.

Get out of here. I'm Luca. I will say this. The woman was like, uh, tomorrow's no good though. I'm going to be hammered. Oh,

I like her even more now. Yeah, yeah. She's, she's a mess, but, what's wrong with hammered? Get bang hammered?

I think it's just weird if you're trying to get laid and your thing is like, I can't hang tomorrow. I'm going to be completely blackout drunk. I think she said blackout. Yeah, I'm going to a concert.

It's weird to just declare. That's true. I'll be blacked out tomorrow. Right. All right. Well, I guess we'll talk the day after you're blackout. The day after, her clam's going to look like my head. I mean, he's going to rebound her.

Well, blackout in general should be an accident. Good point. You should be like, I'm going out drinking with some friends. And then the next day is like, I fucked up. I got blackout drunk. Right. When you're planning a blackout, you've got some problems. You got problems.

Yeah, yeah. But I've never in my life have I been like, tomorrow night. We're going to get together. We're going to black out. She's clearly an impulsive lady, though. She's approaching strange Wap-Dago guineas on the street. Well, I think she was a little blacked out when she walked up to it. But still, I mean, just sight unseen, whatever that term means, just...

Blind Mike. I guess sight-seeing. Unseen as you haven't seen. Right, right. Well, whatever. New York City blackout. Good for her. Good for Roberta.

I feel bad about the blind mic. Should I take it out? Who cares? I'm sorry, Blind Mike. Yeah, he fucked you. He did fuck me a little bit. I don't care for it. What are you going to do?

He's blind. Oh, is he really blind? He's blind-ish. He's got like one eye. He walks around like this. You know him. He's like legally blind, I think. He's one of these guys that reads cute cards like this.

I see, I see. Okay. He's gay and weird. He crowdsurfs at Skank Fest. You know him. He's always around. All right, I can't wait to meet him. No, you've seen him a million times.

He's at every podcast. He's like right behind Lewis all the time. Oh, okay. Pull up blind Mike. Pull up blind Mike. You know blind Mike, Chuck. I know the name. I know the name is.

He's always got a backpack. He's this tall. He's always got half an eye close. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're talking about it. He's around all the time. He's around. Is he a guest digital? I was a guest digital. Always. Yeah, he's always there. He's got a wacky eye. He's like legally wacky. Yeah. He walks around. I mean, he doesn't have a cane or sunglasses. Sure. But he's got like a Lewinsky eye. He just got hit with a load. No. That's a normal handsome guy. That's also blind Mike though. Wait, is that blind Mike? It says his name is Blind Mike. Yeah, that's blind Mike.

Mike. Oh, you might have the wrong blind. Gay Mike. Oh, yeah. Then there's Mike rock. No, I think his blind mic is all. I think there's two blind mics. Three blind mics.

I think there's two blind mics. I think so. Look up gas, digital blind mic. Because that guy also is blind mic, and he reviews podcast. He's a big comedy fan. Oh, boy. Pretty sure. Okay.

Oh, boy. This is dead here. Chuck just gave us to keep talking inside. That's never good. All right. weird eye. That's him. That's him. That's him. That's him. There's there's literally two blind mics. There you go. We should get a third. We got to get a third one. Like Becky Owens old. Oh yeah. That's true. He might lose his sight soon. Hit one eye.

I don't know. He's a little, you know, maybe he'll get cataracts. Working too hard. So where are you, but tell us about the vineyard? Because I got very little. Not the vineyard. Then tuck it. Excuse me. Man, tuck it. Oh. So big he could suck it. Man, I got to tell you, this place. It beats the VIN. By a mile. By a country mile. You were right, Faddy. I mean, this place is... I don't want to go on a list here.

This is one of the best vacations I've ever done. Well, I've said it for many years. If I had all the money, the Shane money, the Kevin Hart money, Ned Duckett's where I'm going. The Portnoy. You'd go Portnoy. What's that mean? He moved there.

Oh. Yeah, with his pizza and his girlfriend. But this place is... magical. Right when you land, the air is better, the food tastes, better the cobblestone streets, the windy roads, the beautiful homes. The beaches are unbelievable. You feel like you're in Milan or Ibiza or one of those. It's all conservation. It's all conserved. And then there's no corporations. And I hate corporations other than Starbucks, Chipotle, McDonald's, and Coca-Cola. That's a good point. But the vineyard had one dairy queen right on the main road. This has got nothing. All my mind. mom and pop, all handmade, all trinkets, all cute, all old whale money, Jerry. It's all built on skim rum, or whatever they call it.

Skim tram? What do you call that when you make something out of whalebone? They call it skim tram. No idea. Skim milk. Skim milk. I can't remember. But the beaches were incredible.

You drive out there, it's all forest. That's the best. It's incredible. And so we do all these great meals. We take the boy. We go to the beach. We punch each other to the stomach. We're playing sports.

We're getting sun. And then the last day, her family's out there. That's why we went. Her family goes, they got a house, whatever. We had dinner at the house. You know, you love that. You get 12 people. You're all cooking dinner, drinking, music playing.

It's all I've ever wanted. That's all I ever want in my life. It's like the big chill. So the last night they go, we hired a chef. Whoa. He's going to do a cookout on the beach. for just us. Wow.

And I'm like, well, what is this? What are they running Coke? Yeah. Who do you? Jeff Bezos? How much money does that cost? $500 all in. There's 12 people there.

That's nothing. $500 each. No. All in. They got a private chef and the most exclusive island in America for $500 bucks. Who'd they get to cook?

Salacus? Well, that's the thing. They got blind mic out there. Blind mics out there. $500. $500. bucks. You can't get a haircut in New York for 500 bucks. I swear to God, it was a guy with a baseball hat and basketball shorts. And he had a big old grill. It's just a guy with a grill. You got Nate Park Etsy cooking dinner. It's this brilliant kid. He started, I don't know what I'm doing here. He started a business where he just sets up on the beach. He puts chairs in a circle. Then he digs a hole in the middle of the chairs, throws a bunch of firewood. Boom. Lights it on fire. Right on the beach. Like point-breaking.

Yes, point break. I'm so cold. Fire on the beach. He's got steaks on the grill. He puts s'mores going with the kids. One kid fell in. He's dead. But the steaks were cooking.

He put shrimp out there. You put the shish kebab with veggies. Best night ever. The kids are playing. They're running around. You dip your feet in the ocean. The sun is setting. The wind is in your hair.

Your sand is in the toes. Unbelievable. I'll show you photos. Please. I mean, this kid, this is quite a good racket because everything in Nantucket costs $75,000. You undercut, you go, hey, 500 bucks, I'll cook your kid. Exactly. That's pretty good. Cooking kid. And kids taste good, good meat. And man, it was just a magical night. You got a beer in your hand.

I'm sitting on a lawn chair eating steak and shrimp and veggies. Kids got a skewer. Hugging the wife. Best night ever. And I had to fly out of there and go straight to Nashville. Wow. Unbelievable. Such a great night. Nantucket is the best. You get a bicycle.

You can just zip all around the whole fucking island. Did you go to Millies? Yes. Love Millies. Had to do Millies. Got to love the Mills. Also went to Billy's. Millies and Billies.

Yeah. Billy's the Steakhouse there. Good little rivalry. Millie and Billy. But it's pretty cool because they fly direct from Chicago. So I did protect our parks. Hungover. We had to celebrate DeRosa's special coming out.

What's that called? I didn't promise you. I never promised you a Roseguard. Very good special, really funny. One of my favorites of the year. Flew out of Austin. Austin, went to Houston, did a weekend there at the improv. Killer.

So you feel good because you got your work in. We did the protector parks. We did Houston. Flew out of Houston. Got to Chicago, change planes. Flew directly in Nantucket. I'm there. Wow.

They pick you up at the airport and you go, woo-oo! You live it up for a week. That's dynamite. Beaches, the whole thing. And then I just ate shit, drank for a week straight. And then that last day, fire on the beach, burn the kid, fly out the next morning in Nashville. Right, Nashville before the hair. I keep forgetting.

I'm just wondering when the hair happens. Well, Nashville is my last hurrah, Zanis. And it sucked because Nashville's a fun town. That's like, you know, honky talk. I always say it's New Orleans with a banjo and a Bible. Uh-huh. It's all girls in boo. boots and tits and bachelorets.

So what's the problem? Well, I couldn't drink because of the hair tits. That's what Sodor calls them. You're not supposed to drink a week before, which I'll say two days before. But I didn't drink. So I'm in Nashville just sitting in my hotel room at 10 p.m. like this. Right. Why?

Because the blood thin? Yes. They cut in. It's just going to squirt everywhere? Squirder. Big time. Gash. Yeah.

So did Nashville. I was in the Chalk, Flew back, Sunday. Sunday was my last. Here we go. And I had to shave my head in the shower, which is a strange feeling. You feel like...

American History X or something. Yeah, it's like that movie conspiracy theory where you're just scared the government's after you, so you're like trying to get rid all your evidence or whatever. What's a movie where they shave? It feels like like stripes. Stripes, yeah, full metal jacket. Yes, that's the one.

Full metal jacket. Yeah. I'm full metal jacket. little jacket. I'm going full gober pile in the shower and you're like, what am I doing? This is crazy. I have a good life. I have a nice head of hair. This is not. You just look at it all on the floor.

Oh, boy. And then the next morning... And then do you collect it and bring it into them? No, I flushed it. Oh. So where do they do? Where is your hair? I thought you'd bring them the hair. Then they glue it onto your ass. Here's the whole thing. You shave the back. The top's got a fluff like Bert.

You shave the back and the sides. Uh-huh. They go in with a needle, pull out these back hairs, put a hole in your head where you're bald, pop those old hairs from the back in the hole, and then after three days the hole closes and grabs the hair like a nail in wood. You know, it hugs it. And then eventually that hair grows here. I know. All I can think about is AI. I think in six months, they're going to be able to just stick a pill in your dick, and then just go boop, and you can have fucking curly red hair if you want. It's going to be one of those things where I should have just waited.

Yeah, in 18 months, you'll be able to go to your computer like Ferris Bueller and just type in long red hair with one white stripe like fucking Bonnie Raid. And it'll just go, jeet-d-d-d-joo. Yeah, Bonnie Raid of Hormuz. But this is hell, and I'm going to tell my kids, you know, I'm going to tell my boy, when he's 60, I'm going to go, well, I'll be dead. I'm going to go, hey, when he's 40, you're 130 years old. When he's 40, I'm going to go, boy, you have no idea what I went through. Back in my day, we had to walk eight miles uphill to go to surgery at six of the morning

and straight a horboos and shave the back of the head. Well, you can tell him when he's 10. That's true. You don't have to wait until he's 40. That's 39 years from now. But imagine LASIC. Imagine telling some old man about LASIC. Well, you know, I just had that bit that never worked ever that I still think is funny.

that if you told people the eye fixing, you'd think it was completely reversed, the time period. What do you mean? Like, you go, hey, all right, we got eye problems. Okay, here's what we can do. We can, I can't remember the order of the joke. You give you a patch. That was all they did back.

It was a patch. Well, we could, yeah, first, the oldest one is like comfortably, stylishly rest glass on your head. You wouldn't even think about it. Oh, right. You just can see perfectly fine. You don't even know you're wearing them. You can add it to an outfit stylistically. Take them off whenever you want.

Nothing invasive. That's the oldest method. Then there's a newer method. You can take a hard piece of plastic, put it on the end of your finger, and just jam it into your eye. A contact lens. And at the end, you just open your eye like fucking, like, you know,

what's that film there? The Cloverick, Clockwork Orange. Put your finger on your eye and pull out the plastic. You can lose it. It can fall under your eye. Yeah. Pops out. You can't find it.

Can't see Peter. And then we have what should be the oldest, shittiest technology. We fucking use a knife to slice off the front of your eye. Is that right? That's what the eye surgery is. Isn't that what? It feels like we're digressing. I see.

Well, that's how you get blind mic. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we'll just lay it out, hold you open, and then just take a layer off your eye. Is that what LASIC is? Yes. Ah. And some and more or less. I didn't know.

Chuck's saying no. I think they like take a laser and go behind your pupil and insert things or change things. That sounds like slicing. I'm telling you, there's a slice at one point. Maybe there was a slice at one point. That's possible. I'm sliced. Explain LASIC surgery to me in layman's terms, period.

Was there ever a slicing of a layer involved? Oh, man. You give a whole bag of hammers to chat GBA. That's will take two seconds. Absolutely. And yes, LASIC does involve cutting a very very. thin layer of the cornea. Although modern technology

can do this without a traditional blade, of course. LASIC in plain English, think of your cornea, the clear dome at the front of your eye as the lens of a camera, and as the shape isn't quite right, light doesn't focus perfectly on the retina, and you need glass to context. LASIC essentially reshapes that clear dome, just like you. So that light focuses correctly.

They make a thin flap in the cornea. This is the slicing a layer you're remembering. The flap is only a few tenths of a millimeter thick. They lift the flap. laser removes microscopic amounts of tissue underneath. Yeah, that's like you. But they don't shave it off. That's what you were saying. You say they take off a layer. I'm saying they just go behind it and do that shit.

But he's saying slice. They put the flap back down. Yeah, they slice it with a laser. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. All right, Uncle Laser. Uncle Scissors. The hardest I've ever laughed in my life is Matt Salky is saying, I got a great interview with Uncle Scissors. That's very funny.

Ooh, baby. That's very funny. Wow, okay. So yeah, LASIC. But yeah, I heard now there's drops. Drops. You do look this up on chat, chew, chew, dick face. They do drops, and that clears your eyes up. No LASIC needed. Literally drops will now cure your eyesight. Is there technology that are eyedrops that can cure your eyesight?

Question mark. Let's take a look. Yes, but not in the put drops in your near-sightedness as permanently cured sense. And now eyedrops that can temporarily improve certain kinds of blurry vision, especially age-related difficulty focusing up close. Okay, well, that's just the beginning. In five years, that's going to be a done deal. Yeah.

What doesn't exist yet, but currently don't have a drop, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, that's all coming. That's coming, bad. That's why LASICs now is stupid. Damn, but it worked. What do you mean? Well, LASIC, I mean, that was a pretty big feet. Yeah, no, it's amazing, but you're still sitting there and getting numbed up

and being like, ah, and sometimes it fucks up. That's true. Canter did it. Jason Canter. Yeah, and Bargettsey. Oh, really? I know someone that did it and went blind for three days, and it was like a big deal. Blind Mike?

She had to go back. Oh, my God. Three days blind. Wow. It's like we talked about earlier with your hair and going on a trip. Three days blind, that day four, you're feeling like a million bucks. You better be. You better be.

I mean, you have a perspective that no one's ever had. Oh, my God. Yeah, depth of field. Because, I mean, you must be flipping out for three days. Yeah. Well, Nashville was a hoot. That's a great club, great town, but glad to be home. And I wish I didn't have to go to Pittsburgh.

Yeah. Well, it's got Pittsburgh at least very short flight. It's one of those easy, you've done the improv? Yeah. It's not those easy ones where it's like you're in a mall. There's a movie theater right there. That's a nice to it. By the way, I saw End of Oak Street.

Fun as hell. Oh, I think we talked about it on the Patreon. We did. It was fun, but I think I said this already, but now the masses can hear it. You want to feel better about YouTube comments, Twitter, Reddit. I do. Go read The End of Oak Street, Reddit, or you got to see the film, but look at movie Reddit, because it lets you realize, Reddit is just chocked full of gigantic returns. Right.

I mean, these people are like, I'm sorry, dinosaurs don't exist. The dinosaur, the atmosphere would kill them. There's a T-Rex sneaking up, but I'm like... It's a dinosaur in the suburbs movie. It's a movie. It's fucking silly. It's funny. It was all there.

My asshole is dilated. Speaking of which, we had Netflix in the... I talked about this already in the Patriot, but we watched True Romance Speed, back-to-back, double feature. Wow. That's fun. That's a good time. Interestingly, Quentin Tarantino was offered speed after Reservoir Dog.

That's a long day, huh? Well, it was Friday and Saturday. How about this by Tarantino? I listen to a podcast. I'm obsessed with this podcast called Founders. And it just deep dives on people, like Tarantino or Bezos or whatever. Did a deep dive on Tarantino. His mom loved, she was single.

His dad walked out. So his mom loved black guys. Right. So she would date all these black guys from the 70s, and they would take Quentin and be like, Hey, I'm your weird guy fucking your mom for a weekend. I'll take you to the movies. Right. So they would take him to black exploitation films.

Yes. And that's where he got all those movies in his ass. Yeah, that's great. He has that great rant about Spike Lee, which is fucking amazing. What's that? When he's, you know, Spike Lee was upset because he's putting the N-word. Oh, yeah. Jackson's mouth.

And he's like, I demand the right to write whoever I want. And he's like, I went to an all black high school. My mother just fucked all these black guys. Yes, yeah. I didn't know that. They taught him how to do slang and, you know, do this shit and basketball and elaborate handshakes. He was in there. Oh, yeah.

This is L.A. Compton Black. Yeah, yeah. That's why he could say the N-word. Apparently. As much as he wants. Don't tell Spike. He said he saw Rolling Thunder and it blew his mind. Yeah, he's quite the artist, that guy.

He's an odd cat. I met his editor's brother last night at Sesh. He might do the sound mixing for Skagfest Duck. How's that? looking. Okay. Oh, boy. I mean, the movie's amazing, but getting it done by Skankfest is getting to be a little challenging. But, I mean, it is a million laughs. I'm on the floor laughing. This is a big part for you, buddy boy. Oh, God. Is it bad? No, it's great. You're kidding. The hair looks fucked up. But how about this, by the way? I haven't had a kook in a minute.

I haven't done with a kook in a while. I mean, I haven't been to Austin. I'm going there next week. Cook Deville. So I had to go out to a story. My dentist is still in a story. I I wanted to go see Ron on. So I go all the way out there. And I forget it. Down in Astoria, you're at the end of the train, the end of the line. So it's you and like five people. The end of the line.

It's like 12 o'clock in the afternoon. I'm watching a video, you know, whatever, just sitting there. And all of a sudden I hear, you, you know, fuck you. Fuck you. The mafia don't look like you, motherfucker. You see me moving to this end of the train? So I look up, you know, you do like one eye because you don't want to catch eyes with a kook. No, no.

And they're like, what the fuck are you looking at? I'll rape your dad. LASIC. So I'm watching the movie, I do like this move. The guy, it was down there. Now he's right in front of me, Latino fella. He's all squirly wacky. Uh-oh.

And he's screaming at a guy, and now he's like, stop looking at me. Don't fucking pay attention to me, motherfucker. The mafia doesn't look like you. Doesn't look like you. I see you throwing up your signals. You're doing your signals. You're looking at me.

I'm over here. I was over there. Now I'm over here because of you. Because of you, motherfucker. And there's like five people. you? No, he's down the end. He was on that end of the train. Now he's on this end of the train. That's what he kept saying. He's like, I'm over here now.

Because of you. So I'm doing this, and I'm like, let me just get a look at who's getting the brunt of this. Oh, don't look at him. So I look at the other guy and it's like a comedy sketch cut. This guy's like, you think you're the mafia? Mafia doesn't look like you, motherfucker. You're throwing up signs.

You're going up all these signs. I look over. It's like a young black guy with dreads. Who's like this? He's just looking like. like, I don't know what, I don't know what's going on. So the guy's just like racist, crazy, whatever. But it was scary because you're like, you're the next stop. It always feels like that train, it's a half an hour to that next stop.

I know, I know. And you're going, please, because there's any moment these guys could just switch to another guy. Although when I saw that guy, I was like, I think I'm in the clear, if you know what I mean. I think he, he's got a problem with that type. He's got a type, yeah. So I'm like doing this. And now I can't watch the thing I want. You have to just pretend to be watching the thing.

You're like, I'm going to rewind all of this. but it was a not so subtle the mafia don't look like you you're throwing up your gang signs but it was a beautiful look because you see you think you're going to see an antagonistic crazy gangbanger

it's just a kid like this huh? Oh man me How great with that bit of he was like and you you're like Charlie Daniels

you know that comic Chad Daniels but yeah it was scary and I haven't had that feeling in a while and I was on my way to the dentist which gives me nerves, and I had, you know, Chipotle and Starbucks and the other things.

I already had to shit. You're brewing. Then the dentist makes me have to shit. Then fucking... Rod on. Yeah, this guy's yelling. So I got to the dentist office. It's a small dentist office in New York City.

Sure. And I was like, you have to do the thing where you're like, hey, just checking in. I got an appointment. And I'm just going to use the bathroom real quick and just dumb and dumbered. Oh. And, you know, it's a small office.

The bathroom's here. The desk is here. And you're like, I just fucking destroyed this bathroom. You've got to be like, I'm just shaving. Right. I'm cleaning my teeth. You show up. You're in there for 12 minutes.

You come out and they're like, they're all waiting for you with the stethoscope. Oh, I hate that. All right, we're ready. And my ass, I didn't even finish wet my ass because I felt so self-conscious that I just left. So now I got a mud ball in my asshole. Ooh, I hate a mud ball. And, you know, you're sitting there squirming in the seat, itchy asshole. And I'm about four miles from my house.

Oh, that's the worst. I hate when they know you shit. There's nothing worse. Nothing worse. I shit like a fucking lightning bolt because I want to not, I want the probability to be like, well, I couldn't shit that fast. Exactly. But you were in there really swamping. Well, it was, I mean, it was a full bowl.

And then they had some, like, old can of spray, which I haven't seen since the 80s. Oh, yeah. It's like, it's like an aspenaca. Doing that. Well, I had to give blood. That's the problem with this surgery. There's all kinds of stuff you got to do I had to give blood

I'd take four vials of blood in Nashville Yeah the lady Because they're scary on the phone The lady's like Oh yeah You haven't done your blood work yet And I'm like no She's like have you gotten your Epsom salt

Like nah I'll get all that on Sunday She's like Oh you're really cutting it close there Mark And then she's like You're gonna be down and out You better like hunker down And get a babysitter and all this And I was like I'll be fine

She goes well where's your blood work And I go I guess is that necessary? She goes, yeah, we're doing surgery. I text Mateo Lane, I go, do you do the blood work thing? He was like, I did it like a month earlier. I was like, oh, I'm getting surgery on Monday. It's Saturday.

Oh, boy. So I had to go to, I went to the hospital. Because I don't know. Because they say get blood work. It's so vague. Yeah. Well, they have blood, like, businesses. Banks?

Blood banks or blood, no. Brothers. No, not blood bank. That's different. It's like a blood Blood diamond, you know what I mean? Blood drive? No, what's that called?

The place they work there. The guy works, the doctor works there. Well, they do blood work. That's their thing. Blood work. Blood work building. I think of a medical center with phlebotomists in it. Flobotomists.

Get out of it. That's out of butterflies. Get the fuck out of here. Lobatimist. Shut up. That's by Rupert. That's like the plants from end of Oak Street. No, what's it called?

The blood work. center. The blood bank. No, blood bank is where they store it. Hold on. The blood... What do you call

the place where you go to get blood work done? There we go. Usually you'd call it the lab. Blood lab. The laboratory. The lab. All right.

The black lab. You go to the blood work. The lab. The blood lab. Well, I go to the blood lab. Labcore. And it's, you know, it's a bunch of cute little black chicks.

A bunch of cute black chicks and scrubs and they're all from Nashville, and they're throwing up gang signs. And they're like, what do you need? I'm like, need the blood work. No, crips, give me the blood. Yeah. I'm like, well, I need blood work.

And they're like, what does that mean? And I'm like, they told me to get blood work. You got it with the stanza. I'm here to get blood work. My blood work done. And they go, blood work? What does that mean? Blood work?

And I'm like, well, I'm getting surgery, so I need my blood work done. And they're like, blood work what? It was like a write-off. We don't even know what a write-off is. And they're the ones working the blood. Yes.

So I was like, I'm getting hair surgery in two days. Hello. And I'm like giving them shit. I'm like, you guys, this is a sloppy operation you got here. What the hell? Don't you know about my hair surgery? I'm getting blood work. And they were like, sir, we need to ask you to leave.

Like, they threw me out of there. So I go, I'm getting a hair. So they go, do you have a form? Do you have a blood form or whatever, a blood drive? So I had to go through the email. and I finally found the form. And this is what's nice about the South. I had like eight people helping me.

They're going through my phone. They're typing blood into the search thing. You go to New York, you go blood work. They stab you and kick you in the street. No, they don't care. They don't care. I'm going to get out of this city. I'm moving to St. Louis.

That's a good town to live in. You're handsome there. Oh, this is what I wanted to bring up 40 hours ago. Last thing. Maybe I talked about this already on the Patreon. I don't think so. Saturday, I'm in St. Louis. I was going to get some cigars for Luke and I to smoke.

By the way, some fan gave us like 50 cigars for free. You're the man. It was awesome. We smoked fucking all of them. Hell yeah. I went to a cigar place. We can plug the video in. On the corner, there's a Chipotle. Next to that, a cookie place.

On this street is Starbucks and a cigar place. All four. It's Joe Corner. I'm moving to St. Louis. Chipotle, cookies, Starbucks, cigar. I hate corporations. Westport? Westport.

It was like a ways for it. It was like an 18-minute ride from Westport. Wow. Eastport or fucking Portnoy, I don't know. Yeah, that's Joe Square. Liz Square, baby. List Square, two of me, me and Chad Daniels, the boys. There you go, Charlie. All right, we've got to wrap this up.

You've got to fly to Pittsburgh in 10 minutes. When does this come out? Remind me? Blood work. Monday. Whoa, my God. Well, good. We'll be fresh, Jerry. All right.

Well, I am at, what's it called? I don't even know. Mother ship. Mother ship this weekend. It's probably going to sell out. Hopefully it's sold out. That's selling out. That's going to be fun.

and then Royal Oak, Michigan. Mark Ridley's Comedy. Great Castle. September 10, 11, 12, 9-11, never forget. And then September 24th, we added a show in Toronto. So sell that one out. Nothing worse than adding a show if you don't sell it. That's embarrassing.

And then also, September 19th, I'm in New Hampshire, Seabrook, New Hampshire, New England. Come out to this one. This has got a big theater. I think it's like half full, but I'd like to have it awful, awful. So come out to that. New Hampshire. Flight canceled. Shit.

Oh, boy. What do you got, weather? I'll read it. We're sorry. Your flight operated by... Oh, flood watch in Battery Park City. Republic Airways Delta Conveck connection confirmation from New York, LaGuardia to Pittsburgh was canceled due to air traffic control restrictions. We have been working to find a good option for you.

Unfortunately, we didn't find a flight, which we could automatically book you on. Flight to Cleveland. Maybe you could fly to Cleveland. Oh, you think, or can I just stay home? I mean, you can probably stay home. I mean, definitely you can stay home. People are going to be upset. Oh, God.

Well, I got to get on this. The flight, the hair, that adds up to staying home. That's true. Both. Well, it says, yeah, extreme weather. We got some extreme weather coming in. Flood Watch in New York City, although it doesn't look that crazy. They always do this.

They overshoot. That's annoying. Well, you could fly to Cleveland. Flight to Cleveland. How far is that? Cleveland to Pittsburgh. is about two hours, I think. Okay.

Let me see. I just really love... Cleveland Hopkins to Pittsburgh Improv. Let me sit here. Put this on the Patreon. This is good. We'll just roll right in. This is good.

Hold on. Finish doing your push. Okay, okay. Oh, yeah. Plugs it need another week and a half. Let's see. Two hours, 18 minutes. So you fly to Cleveland.

You get there at 4 p.m. Shoot over. that's not bad you run a car yeah but I don't know if this flight's taken off from Cleveland if you flight to Pittsburgh got canceled that sucks yeah that sucks fuck

you do the plugs I'll look up Delta right now one way to Cleveland I appreciate it all right Calgary this weekend can't wait for Calgary love that town love that club Minneapolis at Acme Denver Comedy Works

Madison some of these might move because of the movie Portland Helium hello Portland and San Jose Improv, a Bethlehem, PA, Atlantic City at the Tropicana. We just added that. That'll be fun. Palazzo in Las Vegas, Fantasy Springs, Indio. Where the hell is Indio?

I think that's somewhere in California. Comedy Zone, Charlotte, and Mashantucket, what is that, Foxwoods? Yeah. And Verona, New York, a Turning Stone Casino. Thank you. Delta to the Cleveland. that's not going to work. You got a flight of Detroit.

You get it 11.56 p.m. 9.22 p. Okay. Show's canceled. I tried. I did my part. Hey, I did my part. Thank you.

Chuck, plug it up. Check out my podcast. Fun bearable. And also, I just want to give a big thanks to the Tuesdays because we are fully funded. Whoa! I couldn't believe it.

We got the most recent email last week. That's with me and Sam, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. This guy's a house in fucking New York City. Wow. And yeah, I want to say thanks. And also, but if you want to get involved, we are doing a bunch of film festivals, and, you know, could use some funding for that.

So hit me up at Discount Chuck on Twitter or Instagram. But thank you again, especially to the final gentleman who put us over the line. I don't know if he wants me to say his name, but I'm going to call him Mr. C. All right. All right. All right. All right. Gunface.

All right. Thanks for being here. Oh, God. That's disgusting. I know. It hurts. The hat hurts. It's like razor blades on my head. We're going to watch you do a Patreon, two patrons.

We'll send Chuck for coffee, so we're not to look at them. It's going to be great. Thank you guys. Praise Allah. Sorry about the hair. This will heal. It will be over soon, and I'll see you back in my old shape. They don't care. You were great.

All right. You were great, too. I appreciate everybody. I'm very emotional. See later. Bye.