Tuesdays with Stories! - #672 Anthony Bour-Dane Cook

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

Mark's follicle journey continues! Joe accuses Mark and Salacuse of a last minute pork for the big tennis match! Mark has to retrieve a beloved toy from a foreign child! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com -  Download the DraftKings Sports app now. New customers sign up with code TUESDAYS & spend $5 to get $200 in rewards within 21 days @ https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps - Support the show & start your free Shopify trial @ https://www.shopify.com/tuesdays - Find & instantly book doctors appointments with ZocDoc @ http://ZocDoc.com/TUESDAYS - Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ http://BlueChew.com/

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

The big hat is spitting at May. The big hat is back. We're back. Bob the builder here. Is that a P or an O with a line through it? Or is that the same thing? You know what it looks like? It looks like a tiny dick and a big pussy.

Oh, well, that's us. That's the show. Tiny dick, big pussy here. So what's the hat all about? Well, it's a special hat because it doesn't hit the sides. That's why I look like a full Down syndrome, special needs child at the zoo. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, big box.

Big pussy. Yes, yes, it's a big coat. So how's it going? I mean, this is like a soap opera. Fill us in. Well, we're eight days in. It's the longest eight days of my life. Eight days around the world, or what is it?

Eight days a week is a Beatles song. Eight days a week. Eight's enough. Ooh, I love. There's hateful eight. Oh, yeah. Eight heads in a duffel bag. It was hard eight.

Oh, yeah, hard eight. Yeah. First PTA. Around the world in 80 days. That's at 80 days. The crazy 88s. Okay, yeah, good one, good one. Eight, eight, eight ball, corner pocket.

Ain't going to work no more. I ain't talking about love. Who ate the cookies in the cookie jar? Who ate the cookie in the cookie jar? Who ate the cookie in the cookie jar? Who me? Who do? Couldn't boo.

I can't remember. I'm a Jew. So how's it feeling? How's it going? I don't see any improvements. It's a bad look. I'm scaring the child. I'm scaring the townspeople.

They came out. We've had torches. I look like Frankenstein. Fuck Travis Bickle. the whole thing sucks. I haven't left out. Liz is texting me. She's like, I got spots.

And I'm like, it's like kryptonite, Jerry. It's like a naked woman in front of you. And you're like, ah, I feel like Matt Damon on the on the mast. I'm like, I can't, I can't leave. So you haven't done a spot? I did two last night. I was going to say. I didn't believe you from the get-go.

But I can only do like one. And this hat feels like a razor blade sitting on my head. It's just cutting into the skin. It just feels like a big open gash. So why the hat? Why not take off the hat? Well, I just look so horrific. Right.

I'm hideous. Don't look away. I'm hideous. That's true. Might get some views. That's true. That's true. I'm trying to keep it real.

You know, I want to keep working. Everybody, I talk to Soder. Mattel, they're like, they go, you're not staying home? I go, well, I got positive. They're like, you didn't think of this before? And then they go, this is where they got me. Soter goes, you're going in every day, right? I go, going in to the Upper East Side.

And he goes, yeah, I would go in every day, and they would wash my hair. They would do maintenance. He's like, you're not doing that? I'm like, I'm doing it all myself. He's like, what are you kidding? It's a lot of upkeep. A lot of full-time job. I'm like, I know.

I'm at the house doing baths and creams and gills. So that's an option. You can go in and they fucking scooped you up. Yeah, and Soder made a good point. He's like, you're paying a gazillion dollars. Use them. Go up there. And I'm like, yeah, but it's a lot of sitting on the train.

Yeah, it's time. I'd rather be home and do my own bath. But he's like, maybe you're doing it wrong. Interesting. So then he's like, you don't want to spend all that money, then fuck it up. Yeah, well, it's something. You're a special needs kind of guy. I guess so.

But you're getting it done, right? I'm getting it done. So, okay, so go to the doctor tomorrow maybe. That's the next day. Okay, go and see how you've been doing. And they really short change you on the meds. They gave like three pain pills. I think they're nervous.

You'll go full Ian Fidance. Well, that's the problem with the big controversy, the big huge, pharmaceutical business. Now you could show up with a bleeding dick and two cocks in your ass and they're like, here's a Tylenol, you piece of shit. Because they all went to prison. Oh, is that right?

Well, they had those things. What do they call those? Sackler? Drug houses, Sackler. Methadone? Yeah, but they had like, there was a term for doctors that were pumping out of all the things.

What was that term? Pump house or... Ooh, I like a pump house. That goes your child. I'll have a museum again. Whatever they called. What was that called? It was just a doctor's office where, like, everyone, all the junkies could come in and just a Pipple Pupper, pencil pusher.

A script. A doctor. A pill pusher? Yeah, that's up, that. A term. You're down with OPP. You could go to the, that doctor was just a scuba loop. Yeah, yeah.

And there'd be a line out the door at the doctor's office. Right. You know, Dr. Frankenstein going, here you go. Here's 40 pills for you. 60 pills for you. Yeah. There's a term. I know the type.

Because I watched that Sackler show. So did I. Brain dead or brain trauma. The Michael Keaton was. Yeah. Brain droppings. What was that? I don't know.

Dopesick. Dope sick. Hey. Popped up. Pill mill. That's it. That's what I was talking about. Pill mill.

Yeah. That place is just a pill mill down there. I see. Pill mill. I like that. Pill mill. Yeah. You go down to the pill mill and then it goes,

Chchchchchchchch. But anyways, those guys went to prison. and so now they're going to be careful. They can't give every Tom Dick and Harry an Ambien and a... Colonnopin. Yeah. And a percocet and a Vicodin. But, boy, the head, the pain, the hair looks better.

It's growing in, but the head hurts more. I don't know. Head hurt. Head hurt. I've been saying that all week around that nobody gets it. Hey, Ping. Reimer. Head hurt, indeed.

And you've got to sleep on the pillow only on your back, so I'm like Dracula up there. And if you turn to the side, you know, it's... your head starts stinging. And I get this full apocalypse now 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. I'm in hell. I'm just like, God, but you're laying there in the dark and you go to horrible places in your head. And it feels like the hair is in your brain and it's trying to get through the skull and it can't. It's a horrible feeling. So when you talk to Soder Mateo, did they feel this also?

Or was it lesser because they were going to the doctor? I think it was lesser. And they, I've been working out, which they told me not to do. They tell you not to have sex. but who can go two weeks without flopping. Chuck's gone like eight years. That's a good point. He got me there. Narnly virgin over there.

Yeah, you went from fucking every child in America to zero. That's pretty, it's quite a chasm. It's quite a narrative. Yeah, yeah. All right. Epstein's Island, but yeah. So I'm getting through it, and I made it this far. If I can get one more week, I'll be cruising.

So is that, is it that it? One more week. And when do you expect your hair to burst? Well, I can show you the spores. It's like when you put an avocado seed in the water. You know, you come by and you're like, eh, something's happening here. I've never done that. Oh, really? I planted a couple grass seeds or whatever.

When you're a kid, you find a seed and you put it down there. Did it sprout? A little bit, yeah. All right. I'm getting some sprout something or others. So we're getting there. But you know what? You know what they always say live in the moment?

it's so much easier to live in the moment when the moment sucks. Don't you find? If you're having a great time, you go, where'd the day go? Where'd the night go? Oh, shit. But if you're planking, you're like, whoo!

Yeah. We went one second and a half, it felt like an hour. Right, right. Or a treadmill or something. When you're doing something that sucks, time doesn't go. And when it's fun, it's flying. Time flies when you're having fun.

There you go. It always feels like if you want to extend your life, don't have fun. That's true. So depression might be the key to longevity. But the more you do, the more your brain takes in, especially new sights, new sounds, new movies, it extends life. Which I always feel this. This is where we're extremely fortunate in our line of work.

People are always like, the weeks fly by, everything flies by, the years fly by. But that's because they're going to the same place every day. Every day is the same. For me, I feel like... June was three years ago, because I've been to 50 cities since then. Same. Plus, the baby's doing new shit every week. You know, you do a spot every week.

The crowd is different. Even you went to the cellar every night, it's a different crowd, it's a different hang, it's a different vibe, it's a different set. Right. It's all variety for us. No, I think about this with my father. This guy, for 40 years, now he works from home, which is also a nightmare. For 40 years, he put on the same shirt and tie and shoes and drove the same cup. the same route, same traffic, shows up, same people, hi, hi, hi, who, hip, hip, same office,

drives home and the same traffic every day. It's all just a blur. Right. But for me, since June, I've been to Cleveland, Maine, Portland, Maine, Portland, Maine, Tacoma, Washington, Los Angeles, Austin, Texas, the Mets game, tennis match, a concert. So it feels like Years Yeah, yeah

I feel like I got married 50 years ago Totally, no I totally agree And you can even Go further and dissect and go Different opener In each show So you get to hang out with a different person The flight, the Uber to the airport

The airport, the security I mean there's so many things You ever have people go like I see a guy on Sunday And he's like what do you've been up to? I'm like, oh, you got back from Pittsburgh And they're like, you were in Pittsburgh today?

Yeah, I did a seven sold-out shows all weekend. They're like, what? I'm like, what'd you do? They're like, I watch Netflix. Right. And you're like, man. Well, and there's science behind this, too. Even if your job isn't traveling, they say even just taking a different route to work

can make your, because your brain is taking a new information. If your brain, the less new information your brain's taking in, the less it is online. Yes. Because it goes, oh, yeah, we know this. So just go in the opposite direction or taking a bike. to work or walking or doing anything slightly different, your brain has to come online and be like, wait, what's this? And so it kind of remembers it. It's like in the Flintstones when they run. It's just the same background. But that's funny that different is good, but every time we change

anything up, people flip. Right. We should be going, hey, we're helping your brain. Get a little sustenance there, you quiff. Yeah, good point. But people, sustenance and new requires a little extra thinking, and I don't think people want to do that. Well, last week, evidently there was a buzz, which I didn't even hear about, or here. But Buzz your girlfriend, woof. It's because Chuck hasn't been laid in six or seven years, so he doesn't know what's going on. You can't hear anything. You're literally oozing out some kind of frequency because you need to get laid.

Buzz Lightyear. By the way, have we talked about this on air? Oh, shit. My vindication for my Buzz Lightyear plot hole. Oh, they're going to go Reggie Watts. No, no. I posted and everyone, here's a thing. Nobody thinks that you can be a person that came up with something or thought of something.

That's true. I wrote, there's a massive plot hole in Toy Story. There's no, it doesn't make any sense that he's pretending. He plays dead like a toy. Yeah, that's what they do. But Buzz, the whole plot of the film, the plot. This is four, five? One.

Oh, one. The whole plot is that Buzz doesn't think he's a toy. That's the whole premise of the movie. Yet he still plays dead, even to the sacrifice of his own life. Like the claws picking him up and he's playing dead. Interesting. Even though he knows he's getting picked up by Sid.

Maybe it's a safety issue. Well, so this is a thing. I posted this and everything was like, fuck you, you're an idiot. Deep down he knows, which by the way doesn't make any sense. Because if the whole turn, the big sad moment is that he's... realizes he's not a toy. That's the best moment

of the movie and the key point in the film, he sees the commercially finds out he's not a toy and that he is a toy. So everyone's like, you're wrong, this is your fucking idiot, you're picking the bab-b-b-b-bab-bab-bab-bba-b-bbbbbbb. Yep. Now, this year, an interview comes out with the filmmaker

who's like, we worked on that for two weeks. It's a massive plot hole. We teamed up. We tried to figure it out. How about that? And then they address it in part five, which I haven't seen. Evidently they allude to it. Oh, that's good. So you're like, you see?

I was right. This pimple run on. He's like, that still doesn't mean anything. He's like, just because the filmmakers say it doesn't mean it's not my own interpretation. And I'm like, it's like, come on. That's crazy. The filmmakers said it. Give it to me.

People don't want to give. You know why? Because they realize they didn't think of it. Then they feel dumb. That they're ashamed and they got to turn it on you. Another thing that doesn't make sense is at the end of the first movie, the big finish is, Woody's like, we've got to break the rules, and they all come alive to fuck up Sid. But you're like, well, if he's willing to break the rules, why didn't he do it when the 18-wheeler was about to run over his face earlier in the movie?

He's playing dead so well that an 18-wheeler parks in front of his head and almost squished his face off. They don't ruin it. But then later, it's came out 31 years ago. I haven't seen it. So then anyways, then he's like, at the end, he's like, we got to fuck up this boy. We'll break the rules to ruin his life, which Ronan had the great point. I got a credit run on. All right, credit.

He's like, this kid's Sid. He doesn't know that the fucking toys are alive. He's just blowing up toys. Yeah. But they're like, you piece of shit. The whole movie is based on like, Sid is this sinister garbage kid because he's blowing up toys. But it's like, he thinks they're just inanimate objects.

That's true. Why would he think that the toys are alive? Yeah, they don't have a soul. But he has a skull on his shirt and a buzzy haircut. So he was the bad boy. Buzz her haircut. Woof. So it is funny that they've like ruined Sid's life.

Meanwhile, his parents are just horrible people that beat him and ignore him. Right. He's been created this way. But it's like, you watch the movie, you do think like, oh, Sid is, what's that word? Sinister. What's that one when you torture people? Massacist. Oh.

This villain. But it took me 30 years for Ronan to point out, like, he's just a thing. kid blowing up pieces of plastic. I would say maybe... He's not torturing cats. That's true. No, you're right. We do see him as the evil piece of shit, but blowing up toys is a little

out there. I didn't blow up toys. It's a funky thing to do, but in reality, nobody's getting hurt. No, no, you're right. You're right. It's like... He's dealing with explosives. Yeah, if I was like... Ripping up books or burning books, it would be weird, but nobody's getting hurt. Right. No, that's true. But yeah, good, good catch.

But people don't like it. That's why inventors struggle. You know, these Thomas Edison and all these Tesla guys, they got a lot of pushback. Nobody wants to give it up. And then when you do come up with it, they go, that was great. Well, they think, I think a lot of things is, and I'm probably guilty of this too, such as me, but people are like, well, there's no way some comedian asshole or some plumber was smarter than the filmmaker.

Right. That thought of this other thing, that thought of this thing that no one else thought of. I think that's what the problem is. It is a problem, but I think it goes internal. I think people go, well, I feel stupid now because I didn't get it. So I can't let you win this. That's a human nature thing. Look at Rosa Parks.

Where is she? Well, she pops up to the front seat. Everybody flips out. She's a villain. She's Sid. We all hate her. She's blowing up toys. Next thing you know, there's a plaque.

She's a hero. She's a hero. It takes people, dumb people have to catch up, and we have to wait for these tards. Right. No, I'm Rosa Parks. You're a great point. You made a good point. Me her and Susan B. Anthony, which I don't know what the hell she did.

I think she sewed something. No, that's Betsy Ross. Yeah. Betsy Jeff Ross. What did B. Anthony do? Susan B. Anthony, she's got a dollar, doesn't she? Is she white or black? She's white.

She killed a kid. Now, that's Casey, Anthony. Oh, yeah. Way out on the Lindsay Clancy. I don't know. I can't follow this thing. Don't even open it up. She killed kids.

I was on Legion of Skanks. We did a half hour on it. I don't know what the fuck was going on there. Oh, my God. It's, it's bad news. baby. Well, I guess, so the trial, everyone knows she did it. The trial's not, this is what I understand. The trial's not about if she did, but if she was mentally retarded. And then she had been in a psych ward days earlier and they changed her meds. Yes, 14 pills she was taking. I feel bad for her and for him, but you can't be out walking around. I mean, they can put her somewhere. You got to put her somewhere. Get rid of her. You got to, I mean, I don't know if she needs the death penalty. I don't believe the death penalty in general, but. you got to put her somewhere. You can't kill three kids and then be like,

all right, I've got a job at Walmart. Well, yeah, Walmart is somewhere. We got to really pin this down. We can't have her at Chick-fil-A. We've got to have her strapped at a room with a gun on her head. That's what I'm saying. Oh, okay. Yeah, we've got to have her somewhere.

I mean, whether it's a psych ward or a jail. Solitary confinement or wherever, you're just not allowed to kill three people. Yeah, yeah. And she had the wherewithal to tell the hubby to kick rocks. Yeah. But then people are saying she was in a psychosis with hormones, and then you're like, okay, well, if you go down on the hormone route,

women are going to have a tough time getting hired later. I think that could factor. Some guy's going to go, hey, I'm not saying, I'm saying this, but this could happen. Some guy's going to go, everything in corporation and jobs is all liability, all lawsuits. So they're going to go, oh, you have a kid, are you postpartum? How those hormones are doing? I'm not hiring your ass. Right.

I'm not saying that's right, but I'm saying everyone is keeping, what do they call that one? I'm worried about my shit. Uh-huh. You know, you're coming in here with your hormones. So now you're going to kill a couple of toddlers with exercise bans. That sets a precedent. Thank you. Oh, you want to be a politician, lady?

Oh, you want to be air traffic control? I don't know. I got some, I got a bowflex over here. I don't know if you're going to choke out Susie. Right. She used rubber band, like exercise bands. Which is tough for the husband. He's like, ah, she finally used it. That's not bad. That's good.

Thanks. Well, the other thing is, like, I mean, she had to kill one kid and then go to the other one and then pick a third one. I mean, it's a long time. It's Shummer Island style. There's another theory that is huge where it's like, like they're like, the husband did it. Oh, I've seen that the TikTok people that told her that she did it, but really he did it. I've seen... We were on Legion of Skanks and we watched like a whole bunch of TikTok

ladies saying that he did it and all this stuff and they're, you know, retarded, whatever. Isn't the verdict today or yesterday? Isn't that coming soon? I can't wait. I'm going to get some lotion and rub one out. I haven't followed it at all, but... Don't follow.

No, I don't follow anything. It follows. Same director as End of Oak Street. Have you seen it? Nah, I did see the Tony movie. Tony. Oh, Tony. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Bourdain. I heard it was great. It's good. It's gritty. It feels like a real movie. It's, uh, it's, uh, it's, well, it's Johnson killed. He's a great director. Yeah.

I felt like, uh, Stavros kills it. He's so good at it. Uh, Bandera steals the whole thing. Uh, but I feel like the guy, Sessa. I don't know. The main guy? Holdovers. Oh, yeah, the kid from the holdovers, yeah.

He's Bordane. He's a great actor. He's really good. But you're talking to a guy. I was watched 900 hours of parts unknown. I saw the Roadrunner Doc. I've seen a lot of Bordane stuff. He didn't feel like Bordane at all.

There was not one, you know, like you watch the Bob Dylan movie or the Bruce Springsteen movie. You're like, all right, I get it. I see it. This is Boydane. We never saw Bordane at this age, right? Boydane. That's pretty good. But, I mean, give me something.

Give me one affect, hand movement, eyebrow ring. Give me something that is a little resembling Anthony. I hear you. Now, I haven't seen the film, so I'm talking out my ass. But is there a difference of this 30-year-old difference, right? Sure, sure. He's playing a 22-year-old Bourdain or something like that. Yeah, I mean, maybe 19. 50-year-old. But you give me you, as a 19-year-old, I'm going to get some listisms. Right. I'm going to get a little homosexuality, a little teeth, a little forehead, you know, something. Give me something. Well, I got to think, it's hard to think. Now, I have to put my head in. a place of a celebrity or somebody that I only knew from the age of 50, 60 on.

Okay. As a 19 year. Like, if I saw a 19-year-old Ron Bennington, would I right away be like, there's Ron because he's not going to have reading glasses on his head. No, that's true. And a little ponytail of cancer. He's probably not going to be on heroin, first of all. Is that right?

Well, I don't know about heroin, but Coke and foods and Quayludes and all that. But you're going to get a little Ronnie. It's in there. Everybody, I mean, I think if I saw you as a four-year-old, I could see some movement. But I'm saying what, in what way? Like what would a 19-year-old Bennington look like? Because he's not going to be sitting with his feet on the desk. He's not going to be chewing on a cigar.

I bet there's some of that in there. He's going to look different physically and all that. But I do think your cement is dried a little. Now, I'm not saying you're wrong, and I haven't seen the film. I'm just trying to figure out what he could do. Because he can't say, I guess, I don't know Bourdain's move, but does he do a... He's got stuff.

Here's the other thing I would say, sometimes, maybe it was a conscious decision, because sometimes when they do things like that, it becomes cheesy. That's true. That's true. If you had young Michael Richards be like, oh, I don't know. And you're like, oh, there it is. There's a moment. Right.

He's doing... It's like when Chris Rock does Chris Rock. You're like, all right, all right. You don't have to do you. Well, I think of, um, I was horrible. The play about Frankie Valley, they made as a move. I don't know it. What was that?

That's not Spacey. Oh, that's the movie. Maybe. It was on Broadway. Oh, okay. Jersey Boys. Oh. The movie, and then Joe Pesci was like their manager for a minute.

And Joe Pesci, the character comes in. It's like a young Italian kid. And he goes, yeah, yeah, hey, guys, we got to make it to the show. And they go, you're funny. He goes, funny how? No. Yeah. They didn't do that.

They do that. Oh, that's a polling. And the whole, you're like this. Oh, so that's what I think of, if Bordea, if he did some kind of like, like Bordane thing should might take you out of the film and you're like oh my God. That is cheesy as hell. I totally get what you're putting down there, Faddy.

I'm just saying, give me a movement of something he did, a haircut, the way you walk, the walk was different. I need something. Yeah, right. Give me a little Bordaini. He could play the guy. Chuck could do it. You put Rupert in the role.

Anthony Bordane Cook. There you go. Hey, he's a cook. Oh. Dane cook. Bordane cook. Bordain cook. Dane Cook.

Ah, that's unbelievable. That's something. Anthony boy, Dane Cook. Cut it. Put that down. Cut this motherfucker right here. Save that for stick or treat. You come in, you do heroin, and you get old Dane cookie.

Yeah, that's not bad. You cook something. He slowly gets more like, oh. Yeah, yeah, then he kills himself. Tuesday's story brought you by Draft Kings. The weight is over. Football is here, and so is Draft Kings. One app, every sport nationwide.

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Start your free trial at Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. That's Shopify.com slash Tuesdays to start your free trial today. One more time, folks, Shopify.com slash Tuesdays. Wow. By the way, Luke Monas told me he just worked. with Dane Cook. Ah. And they were standing there chatting.

A guy walked up, recognized Dane, stopped and had a seizure right into their feet. Whoa. He was like, hey, Dane, I'm a big fan. Superfinger. Whoa, that's a real fan. Yeah. Julius Caesar.

Luke was like, it was the craziest thing in my life. Wow. So did Dane help him or did he go, did he put a cigarette out on him and walk away? I'm not sure. I don't know. I only got, it was like a text. And I felt bad because I was with the kid and running around

and my dick was in my ass. So I just wrote like, that's crazy. Boy, I feel like seizures are up. I had a seizure salad at my show. This Dane Cook's giving seizures. Something's going on. Well, I don't know. I mean, I think times are hard on the boulevard.

I mean, it's stressful times. I guess so. People are just... Seizuring. Yeah, yeah. Seizure the day. What is a seizure exactly? I don't get it.

You just shake. I think it's a spasm. You lose all the control of the muscles and you bite your tongue. You got to hold their tongue. I saw a girl for a while that had epilepsy. And like those ones you're talking about are like extreme. Yeah. like they can just like have seizures and feel them in their head and they could be like, all right, hold on one second.

Like I'm having a seizure right now. I used to be a bus boy and I worked with a kid, another kid who was a bus boy, and he would have seizures. Worst job for a seizure because he's carrying a plate of dishes and he'd go like, g-g-g-g-g-k-k-k! And he would drop all the dishes and I got to clean him up because I'm the normal bus boy. So now I'm double-dutying. But they fired the guy. They're like, you're a sweet kid. You're obviously fucked up and weird.

but we're running out of dishes here. Now, once he's done seizuring, though, can't you be like, hey, you owe me three tables? Yeah. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. That's kind of a shitty move there on the cripple there. It also feels like he could just do that anytime he wants like a smoke break. That's good point. He could just be like, ah, I'm getting a little tired.

Yeah, he was a little funky that guy. Now, did you ever get a seizure during the lovemaking? Because that would be pretty good on the dorm. I feel like. No, she... I thought you're a virgin. What is this? I can't get your story straight.

Stories gay. It seemed like it was triggered by like... Sometimes visual stuff, sometimes like... Seeing you on top of me would put me into a fucking blackout. Oh, I would go to a happy place. Yeah, I'd have claw hands the rest of my life. That would be tough. Wait, I was going to ask...

First of all, let me just talk about this real quick, because I... I got big, big, beefy curtains. Oh, really? Beef, meat curtains? Yeah, I got a big beef. You and Salacus, teamed up. You fucked me. You porked me.

Right in the ass. Two dicks, same ass. Come, coming out of my eyes. You porked me. Well, it was like Goodfellas. I feel like, real, I'm like, I thought you were going to bail. I thought you were bailing. You know, first of all, you were like, I can't do Monday for the pod.

So I thought, oh, he's Monday, he's out. Sunday. Oh, I had the regs. Oh, I just assumed you were flying in or something so you couldn't. So I was like, Joe's not going. That I got the hair. Somebody else couldn't do, but no, no, no, no, I thought you said no Monday.

No, I never, I'm always like, I'm wide except for Monday. I'm not giving you shit. I'll go back in the text. No, but Chuck said, I thought you said no Monday. Hold on. I'll pull it right up. All right, all right. Here it comes.

Chuck's got to look like a big asshole. We've got the Lindsay Clancy verdict here. Chuck, I'm good any day but Monday. Oh, there you go. Well, he got it right there. Friday, 5.06 p.m. Johnny Cochran. Chuck Tuesdays.

I'm good any day but Monday. Okay. And my next text is Tuesday or Wednesday is best for me. That's all I say. I take it all back. Best for me. If the text fits, I must have quit. Behind the scenes, whenever I have a thing, I'm like,

even if this doesn't work, we'll figure it out. I'll move stuff around. Rupy. So when I say Monday, I can't do, if you're like, oh, Monday's the best day. I'm like, all right, we'll figure it out. And I quote, any day but Monday. And I respond Tuesday, Wednesday, best for me. Okay.

I appreciate it. So I appreciate it. I was wide. Well, I had regs. But I could have made it work. I love these early episodes, by the way. This is the way to go. I agree.

I get the whole day left. Me too. So anyways. So anyway, I thought I was wrong and I thought you were not here on Monday. No, no. So anyway, for the folks at home, Elon Altman, who I've never met in my life. I never, I don't know who this guy is. Sweet kid, good, good, funny, nice guy. By the way, he's like our age. No, he's got to be 11. I thought he was, I'm not joking.

I thought he was 28 years old. He's 42. What? He's 43 in November. He graduated in 2001. He's about this tall. He has a lollipop, a propeller hat, and a balloon in his hand. Well, I was heading to the seats. I'm like, I hope I recognize this kid. I have no idea who this is. He's the one on the milk carton. I thought it was Elon Gold. Musk. Musk. Oh, Musk. He's sticking. gold. I think it's Alon, actually. If we would to get serious. All right. Well, is Alton-Lahn Altman? Alton. Is that right?

Yeah. I don't even know his name. Is Elon Musk? Then is Sam Altman. This guy's right in there. Hey, that's a great point. That's his bit. Oh, okay. He had the Handy Nasty. I remember the Handy Nasty. That's what made me say yes to the tenant. I'm like, I'm going to have Handy Nasty and Mark and Salacus. That's how we go by Hangout. So he's got a good bit. I'll hang out with him.

So anyways, this young boy messages me. I don't know him from Adam. He's got a slingshot and a trike. Adam Altman, but he said he was 42. I fell out of my seat, which was sucked because we were up in the sky deck. Elon Altman should be Elon Altboy. So I go, hot mom. Every mom is hot to me now.

Not hot, but I'm a big tank. Yikes, that looked like Bigfoot. I love a big foot, put the toe in my mouth. Oh, God. That was a Yeti. So any farts. Smallfoot. So, you know, Robert Altman messages me on Instagram.

He goes, hey, August 31st. Nashville. I got U.S. Open ticket. And you know me. I'm a tennis queen. I live at the open. It's the best two weeks of the year. Never been to the open.

So, hey, you could have gone last night. There was a big ticket for you. That's why I said yes. The hair, the hair. So this guy goes, hey, I got three tickets. It's me, Mark, and Salakus. Hey, good hang. I've known you for a very long time.

So right when he says it, I'm like, there's a 0% chance. Mark's taking the night off and go into a tennis match. Just none. I should go. I like tennis, but yeah, I felt out of place. I said to Sarah, I'm like, Mark's not coming, but I'm going to say yes because I'll get a new friend. And I love tennis. And he bought the tickets with the pre-code $56.

Now, what's a regular ticket go for? Right now on the secondary market, a grounds pass. which is just to be on the ground, not even a seat. Wow. It's $300. What? So he got $56 tickets. Now, I'll get to where the seats were in a second.

Who wants to go on the ground? If you can't even see the game, what do you want to get a smoothie? So there's matches everywhere. You just can't get into Louis Armstrong, which is the big stadium. Or, I mean, Arthur Ashe is the big stadium. Louis Armstrong is the second biggest stadium. But you can go to all the other stadium, all the other courts. Why is it named for Louis Armstrong?

Just a side note. He's a trumpet player from New Orleans. That's our airport, Louis Armstrong. That's a good question. Arthur Ash makes sense. We get that a goog. Love tennis. I don't believe so.

He was a bit disheveled and out of shape that old Lou. Well, Queens, maybe Queens. He played. Satchmo, they called him. Those lips were wacky. It's a wonderful world. Oh, bloody and cracked and sliced up. Oh, yeah.

Wacky. Lips service. Anyways, so we'll get to the bottom of this. All right, all right. Jack's got something. Oh, he lived in Queens. Oh, you got it. It's it.

All right, so did you. Yeah, me too. How about a court for this, queen? Joe La Stadium. There you go. So any fart. So I go, I'm going to say yes to the dress. And I'm like, I'll get Mark and Salacuse.

That'll be fun. Love it. So here we go. We're coming. It's time for the tent. And now this ain't easy because my kid, long story short, he's getting the big boy bed. But he comes in our bed every night at like three,

clock in the morning kicks the shit under me. I can't sleep. I haven't slept to the night since the 80s. That's horrible. So I'm sleepy and, you know, tennis, early rounds goes till fucking one in the morning. So I'm like, this is going to be late night, but that's all right. Socializing, new buddies, Salacuse is a great hang. Morning of, Hey guys, Mark Bailed. There you go. I knew that was coming. Yeah. That's no, no problem there. Sure, sure. So he goes, I got Jeremy Pills. Now, do you know Pinsley? I've known Pinsley for 20-something years.

He's a sweet boy and a good egg. And he has a comedy club now. And it's a great room. I did the Greenpoint Comedy Club in Greenpoint. Great room. Check it out. Well, I love Pinsley, and he's a tennis nut. Is that right?

Yeah, he's a professional tennis player, for God's sakes. What? He's like a tennis pro, lesson guy. Get out of here. Maybe not professional, but whatever. He's good. All right, all right. A tennis pro.

Okay, 30 love. So I'm like, great. And I can nerd out with him. So that's nice. There you go. Comedy and tennis. Your two loves. And I got Salacus. So this is beautiful. All right. So tennis all day. I go to do the rags, the thing, the other thing, the baby, booblo, boop. All right, I'm heading to Queens. Here we go.

And now Salacuse, he plants his little seed. You two working together. I know you're working together behind the scenes. I don't work with that guy. He's not my kind of guy. So he goes, well, I'll be a little late. I got to shoot till seven. And right away, I can sniff dog shit from four. miles away. Well, also... It's a seed plant. I know the seed plant. The game's at seven, right? Match starts at seven, but there's two matches. There's the men's and the women's. Now, for those

at home that don't watch the sport, it's a three-hour match, followed by a two-hour match. This thing goes till fucking one o'clock in the morning. Also, for the people in Cincinnati, Queens is a hike, and Salacu's not a big fan of leaving the island.

No, no, no. So going up, if you get, he's going to be done at seven, so you still got to get up to Queens, which will take 46 minutes for where he's at, so that ain't happening. He said yes to the dress, so he goes, the day before, he's like, well, I got to shoot till 7p,

and I'm like this, there's, there we go. At least I cut it at the limb. This guy's leading the witness. So he goes, okay, now did you pay him for the ticket? He, Pinsley got it. All right. Finley. So, got a baby. I go, I go, all right, well, here we go. So,

blah-bo-bo-boop. Now I go, now I'm right on time. You know me. I'm doing laps around the house, so I don't get here too early. Sure. Now I get to the thing. I'm all excited. And Altman, he's a young Jewish boy. He's 42. Wow. He's probably got some real tickets. You know, he's a New Yorker. He probably got some plugs and T-cells because, man, he looks youthful. He looks like he's 20 years old. So I pull up my ticket, because I don't look at it before. I'm busy. I get there. Section 317 Ro X. X. God, damn.

Now, I've been pretty successful the last few years. I haven't sat in Roe X since 1985. Roe Malcolm X. I mean, I didn't know they did it. That's like floor 13. They should cut that out. By the way, he texts at like 545. He's like, I'm here.

I'm like, you're here. Oh, I hate that. That's a pet peeve. So I get out there. I sit in the security line for 45 minutes because it's packed. There's like thousands of people coming in. Nice night. It takes 45.

minutes to get through. I'm looking around for Salacuse. I'm like, he's got to be here by now. Where's that Hawaiian shirt and forehead? So I get through. I get my cheeseburger, my fries, my water. I walk up, I'm like gasped. It's 25 rows high. You're like Rocky. It's the

top of the route. You can literally hear the air conditioning. It's just like... It sounded like last week's episode, because Chuck fucked up, virgin. Buzz. So we get up there and I'm like, the tennis players, this big. I can't even see who the fuck it is. I should have brought the opera, but I'm out of breath and I'm like, now I'm on a date.

I got to get to know this man. Oh, where's Pinsley? So, Pinsley's not there yet. Oh, geez. So I'm like, whew, this is crazy, huh? I throw you right under the bus. I'm like, boy, Mark's a real bag of shit. And he's like, well, he's in the babysitter canceled.

You're telling me you did spots. So who knows what to believe. Both are true. Okay. So I go, yeah, well, this is crazy. Wow, tennis. And so I assume he's like a tennis retard like me. Sure.

So I'm like, boy, I was here in the 04 special of the 48 thing. like, who's that now? Roger, who? Who's Nadal? Is that a woman? I'm like, oh, Jesus. How do he get tickets? I mean, like, why did he get tickets?

No, he knows. He went to his first match in 97, which is that's when I was like, what the fuck? How old are you? I thought he was 13. This guy knows. It was not all.

No, 9-11. He went to Stuyveson High School and graduated the year before 9-11. Whoa, he's older than me. He just missed it. I'm 01. So, now you graduated the same year because he graduated in June of 0-1.

So when 9-11 happened, he was up in... I see, I see. At Cornell. He went to Cornell this kid. Jeez. Not smart enough to get a better seat. X. So...

And you try to balance, because you're like, this man got tickets and he invited you, so you feel good about that. But at the same time, you're like, buddy, my nose is bleeding. This is crazy. Yeah, that's bad for the hair. I made the right call. Which, by the way, I was like, you can't have Mark up here. You're a celebrity. You can't sit in Ro X.

You look like an asshole. I like X. I'm away from the peons. Well, it is now. It was very anonymous. but anyways, Pinsley came, and Elon's great, or Alon is great, whatever his name is. Again, it's our first time hanging out ever. Sure.

I thought I'd have two of my besties with me. Did you fuck? I mean, how did it go over well? It was nice. All right. He had a good time. I mean, I think I scared him a couple of times because I just assume he's paling around with you.

Oh, he's fine. You could say all kinds of, I make all kinds of Jew jokes. Oh, okay. Well, there was three elementary school girls. Ah, now we're talking. They sat in a row, and I was like, three of them, three of us. And then he was like, oh. No.

And I was like, no good? They were like 12. I thought it was funny. That's funny. Yeah. I should have been there. And I was like, all right, well, what are you going to do? It's my good of humor.

Oh, and then there was a lady that had a black woman that had a jacket with a patch that said trust black men. I'm like, what? The most retarded blanket statements I've ever heard in my life. And he was like, well, you know, they're oppressed. And I was like, who. No, he said that? No, he didn't say that. Oh, geez.

He didn't say that. He wasn't like, I know, what the hell. Yeah, that is a little scary. That's a retarded shirt. I might pick one up. I'm one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. Trust black men. Just a blankety, just trust all black men.

No matter what they say or do, don't. Which, by the way, OJ is racist. Cosby, of course. That's racism to be like, black men are just a perfect, no problems. No, they're human beings. Yeah, they're complex and flawed. Some are rapists and murderers. Right, there's one on my wall.

Most or not. Which one? Cosby. Oh. Not a murderer that we know of. No, probably not. It kills. Oh, yeah.

We're used to. But anyways, and then I was like, oh, boy, I couldn't figure out the child. The barometer, yeah, yeah. But no, it was awesome. And I was grateful to be, ah, I was furious. Oh, I didn't even finish the Salacus. Sorry. So Salacus is like, woo, just getting out of that session now.

It's like 735, and I'm like, forget it. This guy. And he's like, I got to go drop the stuff. He goes, I think I missed my window. So he's looking for an out. Of course. I think I missed my window. And I'm like, what window?

What are you? Eric Clapton's kid? We're in the second set. And if this thing goes five sets and the women's goes three set, we'll be here until two o'clock in the morning. Literally, there's matches that end at 1.30 the morning. Yeah, he can make it. And it's, you know, 45 minutes.

And then he texts back, just got the best parking spot. I'm not moving again for the rest of the weekend. Which you're like, and then Alon is like, you can't drive here anyways. Just jump on the seven train. near his house. And no response, which I also thought was dirty. That's very cool. And so you're like, all right.

I felt bad for Alon because this guy, he buys tickets early. He asked his buddies. Stuck his neck out. And then goes out on a limb and says, hey, list is a, he's friends with these guys. He likes tennis. I'll ask him, this will be our first hang. We threw your name out. I'm sure.

I threw your name out too and said these assholes. We threw it out. He'll want to go. Yeah. Well, I did, and I did. All right, great. So, you know, I felt bad. This guy set together a hang.

Now he's with stupid Pinsley and some stranger making rape and race jokes. Well, he's a young boy. He needs to learn these lessons in life. He's orange. Oh, I don't buy it. I need an identification card. Oh, I started counting the ring. I was like looking at his, I was doing this when he said he was 42.

Check the crow's feet and the foreskin. And I just found this. He's a comedian. Is that right? I didn't know that. I thought he was like a cameraman or something. Handy nasty. I know. I'm kidding. I know he's a comic. I've seen him around. I've known him for a little while, but we never hung out before.

It's a very intimate setting. I get it. You're up there in Roex. The wind is blowing. You got a bird landing on your shoulder. It's a different vibe. Well, I was like, if Pinsie doesn't get here, I'm going to kiss this guy in the lips. I mean, this is the first date. Yeah, don't make eye contact. Hey, folks. You got to go see a doctor. I mean, I got to imagine some of you guys are very unhealthy. Probably have bad, stinky farts that keep coming up over and over and over.

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Visit bluetchew.com for more details and important safety information. Thank you to Bluetooth for sponsoring our podcast and our bedrooms. Back to the show. So one time I had a New Year's Eve party. The wife was pregnant. I was not invited to this. You were on the road. You were in Miami or something.

No. I haven't worked New Year's Eve in 10 years. But anyways, keep going. Either way, we had a couple people over. We had a dinner for people in the neighborhood. I invited you. You didn't show up. I think May invited me, actually.

I think she did. Yeah, yeah. May reached up. You lied, and, you know, you said you were going, then you didn't come. No. So, I had a party. You know, the midnight's the big thing on New Year's. So we had a party and we invite all these people, maybe 10, 11 people.

Elon showed up at like five. I'm in the shower. I'm jerking off. I got a towel on my head. I'm making croquettes in the oven. I'm like, he's like, hello. And he went home and I'm like, ah, shit. I got to bounce downstairs.

I'm all soaking wet. And I'm like, what are you doing here? He's like, I'm here for the party. He brought a cake and a champagne. He had a hat on. It was bad. Well, Salak used to that to me at my house because he got the invite wrong. He showed up with his whole family.

And Stacey was horrified. Oh, yeah. The same thing. We were in our panties and the whole thing. He shows up at 5 p.m. And literally, he's like, we got another party. So we got to get out of here. He left before the invite time.

Right, right. It was like a 3 o'clock party. He left at 254. Yeah. And you could tell, Stacey was like, oh my God, Matthew, you piece of shit. Imagine dealing with that guy every day all day? Oh, that's tough.

It is tough. Well, I will say, no one's selling you pretty well. I've been at his house hanging out. You feel like a 7-year-old. We're playing with toys. We're watching movies. We're eating ice cream. And then his wife comes home, and he popped.

He's like, oh, hello, hello, Stacy. How are you? I did the dishes. What do you need? And he's a good husband. He's a character. Well, he's the best. He's one of the great hangs.

Stay at home. He's out every night. You know what I mean. He stays at home during the day and texts me clips. No, he's the best. And that's why I was excited to hang with him. But he fudged me up. But like I said, it was a great hang.

And the match was fun. We had some great lines. And then we were trying to get on the camera. Oh, fun. So then every break in the action, the three of us were doing this. He were doing an in sync. Ah, yes. Because that's the key to getting on camera.

You got to do this a synchronized dance. But we were too high. The cameras couldn't even see that high. Well, they can't have him on. That's kiddie porn putting that kid on there. But, no, I was honored to be invited and, you know, we'll do it again sometime. Yeah, sure. I can't wait.

I've never gone. I've never seen a tennis match. I'm excited. Well, how are the sets? Will they at least killer? No, I'm rusty and gay. I'm talking about the head and nobody cares. It's all pipes.

Well, if you're wearing the hat, I am. Nobody thinks anything. You're just a guy with a hat on. But doesn't this hat look ridiculous? No, that's the thing you think. Really? No, it's like one of those things you always think. To you, it's different.

But to them, they're just like, well, there's a guy in a hat. That's true. I was wearing a hat tonight. I guess the side buzzed. I'm so used to not looking like this, but they don't know. Right. That's the weird thing. I was just talking about something like this.

Oh, no, let me rub this one at you. Yeah, please. So my kid, I had a little. an awkward moment at the playground. I have a lot of those. See, looking at Kevin Spacey, yeah. So my kid has his school bus. He's obsessed with his bus.

And he rolls it around. It's about this big. It's a big bus. You push a button and it goes, the wheels on the bus. Go ahead. You had that? Yeah.

Great toy. It's his favorite toy. And the wife had the boy, and I was out riding fences. And I came back and I met up with him at a park, at different park. She goes, I left the bus at the other place. playground. This triggers me so much. Why? A kid losing, it's like my biggest thing. It's so devastating. Same, same. Ah, a balloon or a thing. It's like,

the worst. It's the thing that triggers me most emotionally in my life. Really? I have the same trigger. That's funny. Like a bike getting stolen or one time these kids stole my soccer ball. I was playing with a soccer ball. These kids just took it and we're like, fuck you. And I was just, how could anyone be so cruel? Oh my God. An hour later, my brother shows up and he goes, I got it back. Nice. I've never been more in love with a man.

Never been, I got down on my knees. He's never done anything since. But that was, I'll never get that moment. Well, there's some because when your kids, it's like, your things are your friends, your family. You're like this. Ah, that truck. Exactly. It's, you know what it feels like in Castaway when Wilson goes away? Yeah. And that feeling and you're like,

that's exactly it. I know that boy. I cried during that, by the way. That's why that's so triggering. So triggering. It's all you have back then. You don't have a car or a pussy or anything. Yeah.

So the bus, she goes, I left the bus. And I think her, she's a mom. She's at her 30. She's like, it's a toy. And I go, no, no, no. He loves that bus. I'm going to get that bus. She goes, it's going to be gone.

I left an hour ago. And I go, I'm getting the bus. So I run to the other playground and it's empty. But there's one kid. and guess what he's doing? Coming on the bus. He's pushing the fucking bus. Of course.

Like speed. Pop quiz, asshole. So he's at the playground, seven, I'm not good with ages, and he's pushing the bus, and he's loving every minute of it. He's pushing the bus,

pushing the button, he's rolling all over the place, and I go, there it is. And there's one couple at a bench. And I go, that must be his parents. So I don't want to just kick the kid in the face

and take the toy. I'm alone. I look like a psycho. I'm just walking up to kids at a playground and taking things. So I go up to the parents and I go,

it's going to sound weird. That's my kid's bus. He left it. I came back to get it. So I don't want to just take this kid's bus without some context. And they go, they're just some foreign couple.

And I was like, oh, shit. Does the kid belong to them? No. Oh. It's just some random couple eating a sandwich on a bench from Guatemala or something.

So I was like, oh, shit. And the races don't match up. So they're not, I don't think they're together. So I was like, oh, okay, this is, that's even worse. So I go, uh, I just got to do this and get back. So I just go, hey, hey, kid. That's, uh, that's my bus.

I don't want to make a stink out of this. Let's just keep it, keep it cordial, keep it diplomatic here. And he goes, he goes, he does one of these. Ugh. Like, get away from me, old man. And I go, I get it. This is a weird. weird moment. Now I'm reasoning with this kid like a fucking retard old guy. I'm like,

hey, look, I know this is a strange scenario. And he's like, and he keeps walking away from me. So now I'm like, okay. Reminds me of tomorrow, Paul, and he has to catch a ball and he's exactly. Yes, yes, exactly. So I'm like, ah, I'm just kind of walking after him now. He's pushing away from me. Like, oh, he's pushing the bus on the ground. And I'm just behind him, trailing him. And I'm like, hey, I'm just, I'm just going to take it. I'm just going to do it. It's so hard without the kid. I know. I know. It's a horrible look. Well, I've had this not before. I wish you could have a hat or a pin that says, I have a kid, because a lot of times I'll start talking to kids now out of, not instinct, but habit. You're like, hey, little buddy.

And the mother's like, oh, my God, it's a pedophile. And I'm like, no, no, I am a pedophile, but I have a son. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's like when the guy, the nightclub goes, whoa, what are you going to go? My girlfriend's in there. He goes, a lot of people. people's girlfriend's in there. Like, no, no, no, I have a girlfriend in there. Right, right. I just, you can't prove it. Uh-huh. Uh, so I had an idea, because there's people milling about, but it's just being this kid in the playground. Literally just two people on playground, me and a child. And I'm like, fuck, it's a, it's a sun is setting. This is getting weird. There's people milling about, and I can see people like, what's up with that guy? Oh,

they must be together, or are they not together, whatever. And I'm just trailing this kid. So now I pull my phone out, and I have pictures of my kid ready. in case someone goes, hey, stop that man. I go, ah. It's like a badge. So eventually I go, all right, kid, I'm sorry. I don't want to be mean. I'm taking the bus.

And he's doing like the, and I just go, and I rip it out of his hand. He goes, ah! And I go, John, John, I ran away. Oh, wow. You're a hero. I mean, am I a hero to the flock cameras of public enemy number one? That's all right.

You got to put the photo, put Van Wills. the bus and I'll hold up today's newspaper. Oh, that's good. And say, hey, this is my van. But, I mean, the problem is if you get home and you look, it's like, it's all black kids in there. And you're like, ah, shit, this isn't his. Oh, that's true.

You know? That's true. I'm thinking of Rocky when they open the locker and, you know, it's not his locker because there's black women in there. Yeah, exactly. I can explain my jokes. I don't sound so racist. No, no, I got it.

But, yeah, that's true. Luckily, the kid was white. Thank God. I don't want to steal some black kids bus. It's a weird look. He's black. You just can't. He just got to go, hey, he stole that from my son.

Right. Rosa Parks. Oppression. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I stole the bus. I'm running home with the bus. Like, I looked like Steinvitton with the marble rye.

I was like, and then you show up and you're like, what a hero I am. What a dad. You go, here you go. And he goes, ah. And he just picks up a rock and throws it at a bird. He's got his own bus. And you're like, oh, fuck. Did you put his name in there?

You got to put some in there. Oh, that's good. I'll do the name. Name is big. The game is big. Well, it's hard with the toys because, and some parents, there's this one woman at the playground we go to, they're so good with Sherrin. Like, she just brings, like, 50 cars and everyone has them, and she's like, I'll just collect them. But I'm like, I'm so triggered.

I don't want him to lose these cars that means so much. It's going to happen. Yeah, my kid will just take two cars and just on the living room floor, and he's having a great time, just rolling him back and forth. And I'm like, this is a beautiful thing. I'm watching TV, and he's happy as a clam. Yeah. No, it's the best. But yeah, so I got the bus back. Ah, shit, that's going to say something else.

I can't sit fit on that playground again, but we got it back. No, that's good. I mean, it is just devastating when you're loose and you're like, we'll replace it, but it's hard to express that to the person. I know. I don't know what. It just triggers me so bad, the idea of losing a thing you love. Well, you're in a nice sweet spot where you can reason with the boy. I'm still in

You saw We had a great moment earlier I brought the boy into the studio And I went Chuck Chuck and he goes Cuck Yeah that was fun I wish that was on camera

That's me Yeah But I can't You know You take food away Or something And he's like What are you doing?

And I'm like I It's empty He's like Give me more I'm like it's empty And he's like Ah

You're a bad dad I'm like No it's empty Right right Yeah it's hard to Understand things It's very It's funky

When did that kind of flip when he could kind of go, it's over, it's out, we're done with the ice cream, or we'll go tomorrow, or mom's coming later, or you need to get some information. Well, it's still hard. I mean, he's three, so he's not like. He's not gorvedal. He's like, oh, yeah, great. That sounds good. Right. Yeah, it's all tricky and challenging.

He's going to school in a couple in a week, which is going to be very exciting. It's starting to happen. Oh, my God. You're going to have, you know, it's going to be. like getting an arm. You're going to have just such a, because you watch them every day. So when you get that free time,

it's like, oh my, I can write a novel. I could go skydiving. Well, especially now, the information I have now, I'm like, I can do things quick. I can get stuff done. It's exciting. I'm like, I'm going to nap and work out. I'm going to be jacked.

I'm going to write three movies. I'm going to learn Spanish. I'm going to, you know, lose Chuck's virginity. I'm going to, you know, I'm really. Good luck with that. Well, the scary thing, though, is I had a friend. she sent her daughter to school sweetest girl in the world

cute as a button she came back from school smoking cigarettes saying the N-word I mean switchblade the whole thing yeah well that's the thing too and I was just talking to my friend

who has two kids and she was like listen it's traumatic because you're changing their routine so it's like expect you know extra tired extra breakdowns

meltdowns what do you call that whatever the fuck it's called and you're like oh shit Yeah. Because they're like, what are you talking about? You're leaving me.

Now I'm dealing with other people, other kids. So it's like they start having like little meltdowns because my life has changed. You've got to get through that. Well, you ever think? You ever sit down and go, man, my kid's got the best life. He wakes up. I walk in the room. He's like, woo!

He's so pumped. Yeah. You bring him downstairs. Cars, toys. You give him a great breakfast with blueberries and yogurt and all this shit. He's eating whatever he wants, crackers and cereal. And then he just puts his clothes on. We put his clothes on. We drove him in a stroller. He goes to the park all day.

Plays, plays, plays, plays, comes home, has a great dinner. Pizza, whatever, sandwich. Bubble bath. Loves it. Punch him in the stomach. Headlock, wrestle, couch, books. He loves books. Then he goes to bed for 12 hours. It's pretty good. But that's a great life. They say, and this is like one of those psychological things that's crazy, is they don't feel self-conscious and jealous and ego and all these things until they go to school. I know, but they have to do it. Then you send him to school, and all of a sudden they're like, why does he have that?

I don't have that. Exactly. Why does he have two parents? Why does he have that person? Why does he have this thing? Yeah, now he took my tour. Now I've got to share. Right.

That's when they first start comparing, which we're all still doing. The Thief of Joy. It's the first moment of reading comments. They're like, hey, he has that? Why don't I have that? What the hell says? That's good.

Before they're just the center of the universe. And now the attention is shared with all these, other people. I know. And that's the very beginning of self-consciousness. Yes, yes. And it's all kind of negative. I mean, there's some part you make a friend.

Of course, yeah. You have a good relationship. You get some, what do you call that, when you, companionship. Combrottery. But right now, and we don't have to get, turn this into the Miss Rachel, but right now he walks up to you with a book and goes, Frog.

And I go, yeah, frog. And he's like, yeah. He's going to go up to some kid and go frog. And you're going to go, if I don't give a shit. Yeah, yeah. Ribbit. So, yeah, that's scary. But it's got to happen.

He's got to learn. Yeah, it's weird. And then also it becomes traumatic to be like, all right, see you later. Go be in there for the day. Right. And you're like, oh, I'll get so much done. But then you're like, oh, I miss my kid. I know, I know.

So we'll figure it out. Guess who got the cameras installed? I got this place on lock down, fatty. Oh, yeah, because the guy. came when we were here. I had a crazy hobo come up the stairs and try to sell me magazines, and I thought about horse kicking him in the tits and knocking him right up. Boy, what a scene that would be.

I do a full donkey kick, and he goes back off the stoop. Wouldn't that be something? I've visualized it many times, and it got excited. Sure, Manifest. Destiny. So I got the Simply Safe. I don't know if they're a sponsor. I wish they were, because they are.

the best in the biz. Free plug, butt plug, hair plug. Simply save is the shit. I got the whole house wired. I'm over my bed going, that's what's going on in the kitchen. That's what's going on downstairs. You got the cameras inside the house? Inside the house pointing at the door. And I got a doorbell. Son of a bee out there. The ring. Well, you got to be careful when your wife's out of town. You get one of those phone calls and you go, oh, my wife's a fat whore. You can hear that. I've had this thought before because we have the Nannette, which is like the nanny cam. Net to Gatsby. It's like on the, whatever you call it, the crib. And I've been on the phone. You know, Sarah's out riding fences, working, whatever. I'm just pacing on the phone. And you're like, oh, if she wanted, she could hear it.

And she gets notified when there's movement in there. Oh, yeah. So she could just listen to my phone conversation. That's terrifying. That's scary stuff. Yeah, yeah. I don't even like this being out on YouTube. No.

So you got to be careful with those cameras because if you have a, you know. I'm glad we talked. I'm telling you. Good call. Bad call. But yeah, it's just pretty cool. Because, you know, my other trigger is home invasion. And so I have a thing where the door opens, it goes, boop-boop.

Kind of like a bodega. So I'll be upstairs. And I'm always like, did the guy just break in? What is that? But now, if I don't hear a boop-boop, I know no one broke in. Right. But what if they come to the window? Is there a boop-boop in the window?

I feel like a window you'll get a shatter. I hear a shatter. Possibly. Well, now this door, every time I come over here, this door is unlocked. Do you lock that door at night? Oh, of course, yeah. At night. And the gates on.

I've got that big metal flappy. Oh, okay. I'm at this downstairs door, though. Oh, that's locked up like you wouldn't believe. Oh, because I get here at 915. It's open. 11, it's open. But you come down and unlock it for the podcast.

Yeah, for this. Yeah. And a gate. It's just always open. I locked that like Ditty. Yeah. That's done. But it's scary.

A hobo could just. I don't want to get anything away. You could sleep in that little outcove for all he wanted. Right. Well, that's the thing. I was like, that's why I do love the city because you feel safe in the city. You really do, weirdly.

Like out in the country, it's just... I'm the same way. You're hiding your big house. Yeah. Knock on your door, show up. It's like that movie... What was that movie? Schindler's List.

No. The strangers, yeah. Why us? They're like, you were home, which is one of the creepiest lines ever. So the scariest thing is the, eh, no reason. Yeah. I'm just crazy and I'm going to kill you. Yeah.

You know, you killed my wife or I hate you or you fucked me over. That I get, but, eh, just bored. How about those Idaho murders? It's like that. You see a guy run through and then like your buddy's getting fucking stabbed to death in the other room. Wait, wait, wait. Is this though the girls? Yeah.

One boy and three girls, I think. Ah. He's just in the house going from room to room, just stabbing the fuck out of you. your buddies. Good gully. Yeah. I would not like that. Nah, no thank you.

Anyways, well, this has been a wacky one. That is the lady. It's May Day. Maybe it's Mabelene. So anyways, yeah, we'll wrap this baby up. Join the Patreon. We've got all kinds of hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours of more for hours and hours and Odenkirk. And if you like famous people,

We had them back. We had Nikki Glazer. We had Chris D. We had Bennington. We had Tim Dillon. All these, all these quips out there. So they're all famous now. And go see them in the youth when they were struggling and young.

Sal Volcano. Shane Gillis. Oh, my God. Soder and Ari and Michelle Wolf. You name it. All these people were on. Yeah, that's right. And then I am in, I got a show in Guilford, Newhantan.

Not Guilford, fucking Manchester, some New Hampshire. New Hampshire. Seabrook, New Hampshire. That's September 19th, I think. Added a show in Toronto, September 24th. Side Splitters, my favorite, October 1st and 3rd. Tom Dustin's doing that with me. Oh, my God, what a show.

So that'll be fun. And then Philadelphia Helium, October 22nd to the 24th. Of course, Skankfest in November. Got some other fun stuff coming up. And check out Tom Dustin Portrait of a Comedian, by the way. It's six bucks. You can watch, own the movie. It's a great film, and we're working on Skangfest, Fest, Doc, of course.

And Punch Up Live. The best thing you can do is go to PunchUpLive.com, sign up our email list, and I'll only email you when we come to your town. That's fair. No spam, no bullshit. How do you work that out? You're not on there? Are you on there?

Oh, Punch Up, sorry. Punch up, yeah. I missed that part. And then I put a new thing on YouTube called The Rift Special. It's just me riffing in Portland. I was re-watching. I was re-watching. I was the funniest thing I've ever put out in my life.

Well, let's do it numbers. Yeah. Well, we'll see. Anyways, so come on out. Come on out, folks. Come out of the closet. I'll be all over the road. I want to apologize to Pittsburgh.

I thought I could hack it. I'm an ox. I like to work. I hate being home with his hair, but I couldn't. I was bleeding at the airport, and my flight got canceled, and I just said, I can't do it. And my manager, who wants money, said, we got to call it. I've never seen you like this. Wow.

So I want to apologize. We were all sold out, and I liked that town. I was excited to go. but I will be back and I rescheduled for next year. All tickets, what do you call that? Coming back. You know, not refund. Re-re-reed-reedimable?

Redeem. Hey. Pill-mill. Pill-mill. All tickets will be honored. Honored. Trust black men. Thank you.

What do you got, Choo-choochew? Check on my podcast. Funbearable. If you hated Ray, Ray is not on the podcast. Oh, go. Oh, beat it, Ray. That guy was dead weight. You always hated him.

Every week it'd come in. Ray sucks. I can't do the show with Ray anymore. Congratulations, Bell. Yeah, Ray's gay. I'm not saying I hate Ray. I'm just saying if, you know, if you have your favorites. You never liked him.

Yeah. We got reels of film. Are you shitting on Ray? Yep. He's going to, okay. But, yeah, he's not there anymore. So, you know, everyone has their favorites. And we're fully funded for the pilot.

Wow. Which is amazing. The Tuesdays came out, fully funded. But if you're interested in contributing to the film festival submission fees, which Joe knows can add up like a lot. Yeah. You know it. Yeah.

Reach out to me at Discount Chuck on Twitter or Instagram. Thank you. Thank you. Quit fit up. We'll see you all in help. Braids all lost. Thank you, God.