Tuesdays with Stories! - #674 Hoopy Goo

Episode Date: September 22, 2026

Joe's got AUSTIN FEVER, baby! The land of queso and revolvers. This time - he's out!! Just like every other time. Mark discovers a beautiful park for the boy, gets teary for a cinematic moment, and gets popped for his sticky fingers! Finally, Joseph peeps in on some group love! It's Tuesdays!  Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - For free shipping on your order & 365-day returns go to https://www.Quince.com/tuesdays - Want a free pack of Goodwipes? Buy any two packs, text your receipt, and get reimbursed for one. Head to https://www.goodwipes.com/TUESDAYS

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. You're folks. We're back. We're gay. I'll tell you, it's fall in New York, and it's autumn? Fall. What are you out of your mind? It's 85 degrees.

I'm dying. What? Pull up the weather. I think it's 6.71. It's hot right. It's hot. Is that right? I haven't left the house.

Well, right now it's 76. Okay. It'll be 78 at 11 a.m. Which is 45 minutes from now. And then 2 p.m. 84, 3 p.m. 85. It's hot. Well, we're up early. It's the crack of jizz, the birds are chirping, the cows are singing.

It's... Whoa! That was one of those bicycle ones. That was a little Witton Marcellus there. But I just came from Austin, so it's a cool breeze. Because Austin, it's 175 degrees, which I like because I'm running. I'm pouring smoke. Oh, you get it out, the evil out.

I love that feeling if you go for a run and you just fucking, I need a shower. Yes, yes. You look good. You got the patch here, the patch here. The patch here, the patch here, the patch here. Patch Adams. Get you here and right here. Hey, I remember that.

You remember that? Yeah. That was a risk. I thought that was a local commercial. What's that from? That's A1 steak sauce, Freddie. Oh, I confused that. That was out at the same time as there was a Papagino's commercial, which is a local Boston pizza joint.

Chuck knows it. And then they said, four bucks. Hoopi-doo! It was like a big Italian guy. Wow. I forget what you got for four by. I don't know if it was a pizza or a cheese sticks or something. bullshit. But Hoopie Do was out at the same time as it gets you here. It gets you here.

Hoopie do is a lot of fun. Hoopi do is fun. That sounds like a dumb guy. That guy's a bit of a hoopy doo. Well, I think it was like playing up the Boston Guinea. Hey, fucking hoopie do. Got it, got it. Four bucks. And now imagine anything being for sale for four bucks. I think about that all that. You know when these old restaurants put the old menu from the 50s? Don't tease me with that. What do you do it? It's like showing a young girl naked. Not to mention it's segregated. Don't tease me with that. Oh, those were the days.

Two things I would love. Segregation and cheap burgers. Oh, boy, M-A-G-A. No. M-A-G-A. Oh, I got you. Yeah, we're kidding, of course. But, no, Sanford's, son?

It used to be a diner in a story. It's like the famous place or a place on Broadway over there in Astoria. And everyone used to call it a diner, and finally I had to be like, this is not a diner. This is a fucking fine restaurant. Yes. But they had the thing where it was like milk, a quarter, beer, a buck, cheeseburger, 30 cents. That's a finer.

I hate these diners now that are called a diner, but they're all she-she. They kind of, it's, I always say it identifies as a diner. You know, from across the street, you're like, hey, that's a hot whore. And then you get closer and you see a big ball bag. Well, I wonder if you're thinking of the same one I'm thinking of. The one on the west side, it's got the Empire Diner. Empire Diner. You know that place?

The train car. Yes. It's so cool looking, and it used to be a diner, and now it's $68 for a milkshake. Sarah and I went there one time. I was like, this is a classic New York diner. Look at this place. We've got to pop in, and you go in there. There's four items.

It's like leg of lamb, you know, shoe of a horse and hat of a fish. Yeah, I have Newt. Yeah, it was a $300, Isaac Newton, Gingrich. Yeah, yeah, it's a nightmare over there. And there's a couple left. They're dying off, like Native Americans. Americans. You see one, you go, ooh, but they're going

fast. Well, Neptune is gone, which was like the diner, the Queens diner, and I lived over there with soda. Me, Soter, and Dan Herschon would be there every fucking night. I remember that we went once with me, you, and Janus, and you got cod. Kod. Yeah,

you were trying to be healthy for 10 minutes. Oh, yeah. Should I get the Kod? I was like, get the cod. And it came out, I think smelled worse than Chuck's dead. Cod. God. What's the the day with your dad. See around? Cape Cod. Oh, yeah, he's nuts. He's like,

he's gonna be around forever. He's fucking... Divorced? No, no. My family's all good. Oh, I didn't know that. You never referenced your dad. Yeah. Did he beat you? He's like, doing jackknives. He swims from like May through November. He's nuts. Swimming in May. Wow. Swimming in May. That's the window I should get pregnant.

Hey. Nothing? Imagine getting impregnated by a 70-year-old man. That's crazy. You can do it. Pacino, Jagger, De Niro. Those seeds stay fresh. It's crazy. And now with the pills.

Forget about it. Oh, yeah. You just blast one in there. Well, your lady got pretty, what, 71? She was, uh, 40. 45. Wow, that's a miracle of modern science. You're goddamn right it is.

Well, it's just insane that you can just do it. You can get the rods and the cones and put them in the test tube and light a bunsen burner. Boom, there you go. And now they know if he's downsy. They can tell you early. Absolutely. This thing is half baked. I wouldn't let it out of the oven.

Yeah, absolutely. Now, what's interesting is, if you use the semen of an 80-year-old, can the baby come out with arthritis and dementia? I don't think so. I think it's good to go. I mean, Theo Vaughn's dad was like 95. Chuck's disagreeing. I think they do it.

But it's the seed is a seed, isn't it? The seed's a seed, Fannie. You get the genetics, but you don't just get old man. He doesn't come out with wrinkly balls, right? No, well, I did. But seed oils. I'm telling you, the old man is, the man balls are fine. The lady eggs are the problem.

Right. You don't want an old egg. Yeah, yeah. You know, the old adage. Overee, over easy. Hey, that's pretty good. Get that going. The old man jizz is still fresh.

Yeah, you're not going to get like, I guess you both have no teeth and all that stuff. That's true. You start out as an old man guy. You're shitting yourself, diaper, no teeth. You can't walk. You don't know who anyone is. You can't get hard. Yeah, oh, true.

You can't blow a load. What do you want me to look up here? How old is a kid? How old is a dad before the kid's special needs? How old is a dad before a kid is special needs? Good luck with that. Put that in there. Let's see how good AI is.

No, I think that if you're not inheriting, you're just inheriting the basic genes. You're not getting the old men stuff. Not getting the old man. No, no, you're fine. Yeah, yeah. You're not like impinent and forgetful, but I guess your baby is. I don't know. We're off on a wacky topic.

Well, when you're nine. he's going to die, so there is that. Right. Yeah, that's the problem. Yeah, they have no memory of their father whatsoever. Yeah, yeah. I'm watching Scarface, by the way. I've watched it. I've watched it too. I've watched this high school. I'm loving it.

I'm halfway through. It's long. It's a long. I think Michelle Pfeiffer is so, like, flat. Literally? No, no, no. Like, there's no dimension to her. She's just, like, barely saying anything. She's like, I know. She had a couple in the in the beginning when they first dance on the dance floor

and she's like, easy Jose, you're right off the banana boat. You don't think about who I fuck, where I fuck or when I fuck. She doesn't, she's dancing, wacky. I know. I saw that. She's doing this for an hour. And it's crazy because the whole time it's just the guy from Big

is like a crazy Jewish mobster. Oh, yeah. That's the wackiest part of the whole thing. Lopez. I'm just picturing Josh Baskin's boss. That's crazy. It's also because there's only one Cuban in the whole movie. The best friend. No, no, no. Cuban actor.

Yeah, yeah. It's like the Odyssey. There's no Greeks. The buddy is the, uh, the only Cuban guy and everyone else is just regular old dudes. Steve Bauer. That's his name. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't sound Cuban. He's a handsome devil, huh? Oh, you got that straight. It's so funny, too. He, uh, he's just walking, he's sitting in his car and girls walk by in bikinis and he's like, uh, come back. Yeah, yeah. He's touching all over. I'm like, wow, this is a different time. And then you got Angel Salazar in there, which is also fun. Yeah, who was he Angel?

Who was that guy? Angel. He got chopped up by the chainsaw? No, no. He's the one that survives that. He's got the machine gun and the little hat. Oh, that's him. Yeah, yeah, that's Angel.

Wow, I didn't know that. Who's later dancing in S&M gear in front of Seinfeld and comedian. Exactly. What a career? Only guy in Scarface and comedian. Wow. What was it? Boob-de-boo.

What's the pizza thing? Huh? Dippity-Doo. Hoop-to. Hoop-do. Hoop-oo. Maybe you can find that at all. Forget the balls dad thing.

Find the Papagino's 1991 commercial. I've never seen this. No, it's local. And then I got a local commercial from Louisiana that you've got to find after. Hoopi do! So it says after 40 for men, the likelihood goes up for the special needs. And then after 50 it goes up more. For men.

Yeah, but both of them are like moderately. You know what I mean? I think that jizz gets a little funky. Yeah. I wonder if the female youth balances it out. Like if you got an Al Pacino banging and a 24-year-old skank, if it kind of helps it. Yeah, interesting. She's so young.

Yeah. Also, I wonder if the semen starts tasting like stale. Oh, like if you swallow a 58-year-old man's come. If it's making a retarded kid, I wonder if it tastes like special needs. Yeah, it's turned. Yeah. It's curdled. It's a little spoiled.

It just pieces in it. And, yeah, you're like, oh, God. Do you take his dick like a milk garden? Oh, no, that's over. I wonder how often it happens that somebody, whether it be a gay man or a curious man or myself or a woman, the first time they blow someone, they're like, go. You know what I mean? Oh, because the jizz? Yeah.

It gets in there. They just go, blah, blah, blah. I think so. Because I've never had that happen. You never tasted it? No. Oh, I'll send you a cup. But tasting it is different.

than having a lot. I assume if you're tasting, you're dabbing your pinky like a, like a cop, a DEA. Oh, yeah, that's pure. Yeah, but I don't think that's different than a 17-year-old boy just blasting a gram or a kilo in your mouth. That's true, yeah. And I don't care how the experience these porn stars are. You watch a splooge compilation. They all try to hang, but they can't.

They all go like, give it to me big papa. Scooby-Doo or whatever. Doopi-Doo. Doopi-goo all over my face. They all go, here we go. They all spas every time. They can never keep it straight. Four ounces, hoopy goo.

Hoopi-go. Can you pull up the Papagino's hoopie-doo? Do you remember the hoopie-doo? I don't remember, but I got it. I appreciate you. You found it already? Let me see it. Can we put this in?

Are they going to see us? Yeah, they'll plug it in. They can do anything if we pay them enough. Is that brown? Hey, what's all the scooie about Papa Gino's making gourmet peaches. It's like Alvin David. This is offensive.

Hoopi, do you're making a big mistake. I mean, Papagino's trademark is that a... The pin crust. But look what you put on them. Barbecue chicken and peppers. Yeah, taste great. Taste good. Just 999.

What a fucking Degger. Oh, uh, four bucks. Oh, oh. Hey, I'll take a chicken and pepper meat combo. Seven. There's a good. This is right out of my thing you should leave. Four bucks.

Hoopi-Doo! Imagine getting a large cheese pizza for four bucks. A pizza in New York City literally is $25. Hoopi-Doo. That's a good price. That's crazy, which I want to get into the pricing here. I got my Texas shirt. It's official. One year from today, we're gone. Oh, man.

Forget it. This is the final year of me in the city. This is a huge development, huge shift, cosmic tectonic plates moving. I mean, we might break the least. That's how crazy it is. I went to four horseshit Philadelphia comics. They have mansions, castles, they got fire poles. I didn't even know they did stand up these guys.

It's like the gold rush down there. They're all living high on the hog. It's insane. By the way, I'm kidding, of course, about the comedians. Sean Gardini, you know Gardini? Sure, the guard dog. He's sitting backstage in the green room. He's got his sigabot, his big handlebar,

He's got a real groucho up there. Oh, he's a sweet, sweet boy and funny as the day is long. He does my YouTube. And he, what do you mean? He does all my YouTube jizz. Is that right? I pay that kid every one. I'm paying for that yard.

Well, he goes, I gotta get home. Well, first of all, he's like, I gotta get home. He's like a sad puppy. He's got the energy of an old basset hound. But he's a great guy. He's one of those guys you see and you feel better about your life. Yeah, yeah, because he's so little and weird. But he's just a sweet boy.

I always love seeing him. But he's talking. He's like, I got to go home and feed my dog and let him run around the yard. I'm like, yard! Wow. I had five roommates up until three weeks ago. I know. This guy's got a dog in a yard.

He's like throwing frisbee's in his backyard. He's barefoot with slippers or whatever you say. And then I went to Tim Butlerleys out. Now, he lives in, maybe I shouldn't say where he lives, but he lives in a town outside of Texas, like 28 minutes from the city. Oh, that's no good. 28 minutes is nothing. Every day, 28, half hour. How long as you take you to get to the comedy cellar from here?

26 minutes. It's like on a subway tray. This is a car. That's true. This is a car. Zip, 28 minutes is nothing. He's got four bedrooms and a podcast studio in his home and a backyard. It's like Pleasantville over there.

It looked like Edward's Cisorhands. He's got big bushes and guns. Wow. I mean, he's got a super slide, a super slides me, a fucking, what do you call that? A slip and slide. He's got a PX-5 and an SM40. He's got machine guns and TVs. What about a UB-40?

He's got an island, kitchen island. Islands in the stream. It's unbelievable. Wow, mamacita. 25 minutes. It takes me 45 days to get to, you know, stand-up New York. Well, that's a hike. But you're on the island, Jerry.

You made it. I made it, but I want to go down there. Yeah, well, I guess you're going. I guess it's a fish. and the ladies on board with this? He pays $3,000 less a month. I live in a two-bedroom apartment. That's a one-bedroom.

They converted to two. My son's bedrooms the size of my asshole. Oh, that's a tiny dick. I got, you know, the living where the TV is, it's, your nose is touching the TV. Not been there. And I pay $3,000 more, and that doesn't count my $550 parking spot,

which is a deal. I know. That's what's crazy. I know. I pay $500 a month for my car to sit, a half mile from my house, and people in the neighborhood are going, can you get me in there? What do you work for them? Does your dad run it?

That's great, because parking is $2,000. Two grand, I know. We were at your house once hanging out. Stavros and Peyton Ruddy came. We all had to leave. I mean, they took up too much square footage. Two fat guys can't be in your apartment. It's unbelievable.

And then yesterday we fly home. I took two flights from Austin because I didn't want to go to JFK. Because JFK is such a fucking nightmare. Get to LaGuardia. We get in. Wait, wait. You did a connection? I flew to Cincinnati just so I could get to LaGuardia.

Wow. I would do that. Which was a fuck up because I got there at Google Maps. It was like 14 minutes longer from JFK. But it also takes 16 minutes to get a lift at JFK. You got that right, Faddy. When you get in the car at LaGuardia Airport, pop it in, boop-boop, the driver puts the stuff in 54 minutes. It's just bright red, the whole Google Map trail.

Nightmare. So you're like, we'll be home in an hour. It's $108 lift ride. Austin, you can live 12 minutes from the club and 12 minutes to the airport. I know. It's fucking nuts. Those Uber's down there, you're like, $11.08? Yes.

What is this? The 40s? So then we get in the car. How about this yesterday? We get in the car. We're taking a lift. It's like 6 p.m. We're just sitting in traffic.

The kid's been sitting on my balls. The entire two flights. Now he's in the car. He's sitting on my lap. I just have a huge outbreak. The itchy is dick, you can imagine. Oh, wow. Dick to herpy.

kid ratio is tough. It's brutal. So then we're in the car the whole time. And then, you know, it's like, that's a, that's a car. That's a truck. That's a crane. That's a boo-boo-boo. I'm getting that too. We get out. We're about to go through the little tunnel there to come around Battery Park City. The driver does this thing.

I hate, I hate people. Just embrace that it's 2026. We have satellite dishes and superheroes. Starlink and AI. Just trust Google Maps. Oh, boy. This isn't the 40s. Oh, boy.

This isn't Kramer with his firefighter routes. Up here, I'm already gone. So we get there, it's been an hour, and the clock's ticking up because of traffic. I'm trying to get home to watch the end of the tennis match. It says nine minutes. See some brake lights, traffic. There's always traffic. Nine minutes is good.

We're in the single ditch. Nine minutes. He does this move. Pose off. I'm like, George Costanza. I'm like, wait, wait, wait, what are you doing? Pose off. tries some special route because he's like,

oh, though, the tunnel, the tunnel from the thing and the bridge. Yeah, the English is bad, so you can't argue back. So he tries to pull off, immediately pulls off, re-routing, 28 minutes. Ah, I can't handle the 28. I go, brother, we just went from 8 to 28.

He's like, no, no, no, you got to go. Like, the traffic over there. I go, all right, you try to trust. And you're just sitting there, and there's been a kid on my dick for six hours straight. Yeah, and you got the hamburger meat going. And you got all the luggage and the business and the basness. And we immediately just go, we're stuck. We're behind literally eight city buses in a row. One two, three, five, six, seven, eight. Now we're in the financial district.

Everyone's getting out of work. I can see a traffic light about a quarter mile up. We sit, and I'm not joking, three full light cycles. That's the worst. Green, yellow, red, green, yellow, red, we didn't move one single inch. Yeah. I go, all right, brother, we got to, we gotta jump out. We gotta walk. 19 minute walk. I go, we're gonna have to just walk. And he's like,

I'm so sorry. I'm like, I gotta why did you get off the highway? He's like, ah, my friend, the traffic from the thing and I'm like, this is crazy. Just say, I fucked up. I'm a fucking, I fucked up. I'm an idiot. He tried to be a hero. He tried to be Batman, but it wasn't in the cars. I thought I was smarter than

the satellites and the dishes and the Enterprise and the fucking Millennium Falcon. I hear you, Fannie. But I will say, in rare, you know, one out of a hundred times, I've taken a wrong turn on accident. You know, when the exits are on the GPS, it's a little confusing sometimes. It can be confusing, yeah.

So it's got like an arrow going this way and an arrow going that way, and it says exit here, but that actually means one past, this one, whatever. So I got off too early, and I was like, oh, no, got off too early, and it rerouted. And you go, here we go. Loading, loading. And it's shaved like four minutes.

So that's happened. I'm not trying to poo-poo your story here, but it's happened. No, I just think, you know, you have apps that are like, here's the way. This is the fastest way. And this idea that, like, there's a reason they're not telling us to go this way. I know. And they know the future. They know where all the traffic is.

Right. And it's just completely gridlock. So we get out. And then you have this moment where we've been in a taxi for, one full hour. And now, we were in Texas for six days. So it's like, I got a suitcase, a diaper bag, his backpack, my backpack, her backpack, her suitcase, the stroller, and him. So now it's like the sun is setting.

It's 6.30 p.m. I just gave this guy $112. Now we have a 20-minute walk through the financial district, which like there's no, what do you call? Like the ramp onto the sidewalk. You've got to lift up because it's the oldest street. in the city. Right. And Cars honking, Blair, I'm like, if anybody living in Kansas or Missouri or Indiana saw this, they'd be like, you, it's like we're in prison. I know. I have a fucking basket on my head with the fruit and shoes and I got a pair of boots wrapped around me.

And I'm like, we got a 20-minute walk after an hour taxi ride. I know. At least you got a good kid who can just roll with it. He's not like, ah! Oh, he was loving it. I mean, he's not in the time of his life. He's like, this is great. He was in the same. He's in the same. stroller bouncing around. He like at the time of his life. But you're like, this is inhumane. Inhumane. It's stupid. It's stupid. This is literally stupid. And I'm a successful person. Yeah. Lugging 80 pounds of luggage through city streets just to get home because it's totally gridlocked. It doesn't make any sense. This city, it fucks you right in the ass, right when the plane that those tires hit the runway, your day's ruined. Yes. And Kim Kahn is living in a penthouse in a

fucking an doorman building. We don't have to live like this. Castles. I know. Castles, Jerry. A ranch. You can have a ranch. You can have your own horses.

I went to McCusker's house. I'm just talking about Gardini and Butterley. I went on the Philadelphia Comics tour. Apparently. We went over to McCuskers. He's got just the most beautiful house I've ever seen. Not in humble. Not like some crazy palace.

Yeah. But just a beautiful, beautiful home, beautiful children. Yeah. And he's like, I've never been happier in my life. life. This is unbelievable. Same with Butterley. He's like, we tried to get a place in Philly. We couldn't afford this. We couldn't afford that. He's like, my kids have never had their own bedroom. Right. It's crazy. Well, everyone focuses on Austin with the scene and the politics and the Tony's and all that, but it's really a beautiful town and a beautiful place to live.

And they're all just hanging out. They're hanging out. They live and good. They go to bars every night. I went to DeRosa's Netflix celebration. He got on Netflix. So we went out and it's just bar hopped. I'm like, I haven't done this in 10 years in New York. Well, you got like, and then all those feeling guys are such a great guy. Great eggs. Salt of the Earth. Nate Marshall, Tim Butterly, Matt McCusker, Sean Gardini, Shane when he's there, of course. Then you got De Rosa Metzker. Yeah.

And Cognan's great. I work with this guy. God, I'm going to give a show of. Alex Hollinger. You ever worked with this guy? No, no. Ollinger. Never heard of him.

It's from Raleigh. This kid's Aces. He was like a nervous Nellie afire. He's like, this is my first weekend emceeing. And I'm like, oh, geez, they scraped the bottom of the barrel for this dick face. the amateur hour. You pop out of the balcony. This is like one of the funniest guys I've seen in five years,

which is another thing that happens. Two years in a row, I go to Austin. Everyone's like, the car, you're going to get worse at comedy, all those comics down there, that scene. Yeah. Two years in a row of work with Peyton Ruddy and Alex Olinter. These are like two of my favorite comics I've seen in years. Ruddy just did an S&L audition.

I know. The kid's cruising. And you're like, people act like they just know, oh, that guy sucks. And this guy sucks. I'm like, yeah, but the guys you don't know are fucking killers. They're great. I know, I know.

Well, I mean, I work with a guy that's got Corbyn Lee Master. He's a killer joke runner. I bring him all over the road. He lives in Austin. No one even talks about him. Oh, I didn't even know he lived there. I worked with him in, what's that town that's gone? That Blue Room.

Wuhan. Oh, Blue Room. Springfield. Yeah, yeah, I work with him there. I think that club is kaputz. Well, they had a good run. They went a little longer than they should have. ESB.

That owner was a real cuck. Yeah, yeah. I remember everyone kind of wanted. He was out of town when I was there, which is one of those ones. I never met the guy, but from the stories, you're like, oh, great. You got off easy. He was one of these guys like, let me get you a steak. Let me buy you a steak.

And you're like, okay, okay, I'm working the club. I guess I'll have a steak with this guy. Mistake. It was a mistake. You go to a strip club and you get a big piece of shit. Looks like a firestone tire. And you're like, oh, what's up with this? And he's like, funny, right?

Steak in a strip club? Shitty steak. Fat chicks. Funny. And you're like, funny. You wasted by Friday. I only get one day or two days in this town, and now I'm eating a steak in the dark,

and it tastes like shit, and it's like a good year. Yeah, I want a good steak and hot women. I know, but he's like, it's funny, right? They're ugly. The steak sucks. That's crazy. Noon. You go, I want to go home.

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goodwipes.com slash Tuesdays. Snag a free pack of good wipes. Good wipes. Because your butt deserves better. Because he's my butt. Lur. Thank you. Well, you should move to Austin. Come to Austin. Austin's where it's at. Chuck, you want to go to Austin?

Ah, you stay here, actually. But... Yeah. Well, you forget. I've gone to Florida before, and you're in Tampa, and you're like, this city's great. I love Tampa. Yeah. I love Florida. I love, you got the beach right there. You can just get in your car and go places. No one's jerking off in your car. You can listen to whatever music you want.

It's not like the subway. And you forget, like, oh, we don't have to live like this. No, it's crazy. It's fucking crazy. And you can float down a river. I'm just driving everywhere. It takes literally 15 minutes to get anywhere in the city. I know.

And you save fucking $4,000 a month. There's no income tax, which is crazy. They give you a free gun when you land. You got that right. A gun, a boot, and a hat. And also, And then Eaget's there, who's the fucking greatest. Love the Eaget.

Best dude in the world. And then Mothership is just fucking awesome. I get the, oh, everyone's, oh, Rogan does this and that and stuff, and Tony. And yes, Trump is a big retard. But the club. Great club. I'm smoking cigars back there. I can't sit at the comedy cellar and just rip a cigar.

No, you'll get to chewed out. And you can put on the TV, whatever you want. I'm watching women's tennis. By the way, I'm watching the women's tennis. I'm like, if Rogan comes in, he's going to karate shot me in the head and break the TV over my fucking over his knee. Because it's women? I'm watching women's tennis at the mothership. Everything in there says like death

to fucking bleep that. It's like, destroy your inner cunt, bitch. Yeah, it's just get your shit together. Yeah. Get it together, bitch. That's it. Well, that was a great moment because Alex, who's a gem of a man and a comic, Alex Hollinger. Check him out, follow him.

What's that German? Hollinger. Maybe. Maybe Dutch. I don't know. But he's like, He's like, I'll get nervous here. He's like, I don't know, this room. There's something about this club that just puts you on edge. I'm like, well, there's a 12-foot poster of Hunter S. Thompson pointing a gun directly at you. And next to that it says, get it together, bitch.

So I can see why, and there's just demons and snakes came out over the walls. And there's weed and paraphernalia on the floor. And then there's a downstairs as a UFC fighter with a machine gun. Yeah, everyone's got cauliflower ear. They've got guns in their hands. It literally says, get your ass together, you cunt fag, piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And, you know. You just ate a smash burger and the tattoo or the waitress is covered in tattoos. Yeah. By the way, cauliflower ear is the only vegetable you'll see in Austin, by the way. You stay there three days. It's just chili, queso, and pussy. Well, that's the tricky thing about moving there. It's like, I don't know how you don't gain 400 pounds.

It's got to happen. It's got to hate queso every day. And I didn't walk a step. Oh, yeah. I'm just in the car. You're going to be Peyton Ruddy in about a year. I went from, I'd love to be as successful as him. I can do it pretty good.

Good? Well, he's got a lot of followers, I guess. I see. But he's going to be dead by Christmas. You got that right. I got, you know, I get about 17,000 steps a day in New York without trying. Just living life. And there I was getting like 3,000 steps a day. Oh, yeah. I'm going to blow up like a fucking balloon. Well, let me just shout out. That shout. Let me just blow New York for a minute. Sure, sure, sure. So I got the hair jizz going. I got the fake.

It's coming back in. The fake hair dentures or whatever you want to call them. It's coming back in, feeling like a human again. I'm 16 days in. Okay. It feels like it flew by, but when you were living it, it was a slow tick up to hell. Sure.

So I'm in town. I had to cancel a weekend. I'm sorry, Pittsburgh. But I go, hey, I'm in town. I'm going to just soak up the boy. Love the boy. La boy is cute. So I go, let me go look at some parks.

There's a park in Dumbo. I forget the name of it. Chuck, if you want to help me out, It's on the water. Dumbow. Pier 6. Oh, yeah, yeah. Unbelievable.

There's a water park. Then there's a sand park next to it. Then there's a pizza place. I got a couple margaritas. A pizza. We ate pizza. Then we played in the water park. Then we went in the sand park.

Then we went back in the water park. Unbelievable. He's doing that thing. You know when a kid is so happy, he's just going, ah! Oh, yeah. He has like a mental breakdown, but in a good way. Ah, good break.

Yeah, he like spazzes. And his brain is firing. He's just having so much. fun playing with toys, playing in the water. Other kids are screaming. He's like, Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. He's like Charlie Sheen. He just has like a bath salt moment. And he's just having so much fun. He's all covered in water and jizz and sand. And then we have a pizza. The sun is setting. We go to the playground. I mean, it's just this beautiful park. Basketball courts are full. Everybody's barbecuing. You go to the carousel. We hit the Van Leewin.

You get the ice cream. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you go, I get it. I get why people like the city. It's beautiful. And everybody around is tourists. Right. People are coming here. Sure. That's how cool this area is. I got a Lithuanian quiff.

I got a cum-guzzling Japanese over here. I got a burka bitch. All these different groups are like, we got to fly there and go to the carousel. Sure. And the boats are going by, and he's going, boat, boat. His new thing is plane. He spots a plane like a terrorist. I'm so glad he wasn't around during 9-11.

That would have been adorable. It's crazy what they can see and perceive from 75,000 miles of, way. Yeah. Then the lady has a subscription or whatever to Dumbo house. Oh, wow. Which is like the Soho house, but in Brooklyn. She's got every house this lady.

She's a big house, bitch. She's a brick house. And she's a brick house. So. Mott, matter. Letting it all hang out. So we go to the Dumbo house. They have a pool.

So now I've got the kid in the pool, and now he's drinking a smoothie by the pool, and he's cutting a rug, and you're laying on the beach. in the sun, there's hot hores everywhere and bikinis, and you're like, this is pretty good. It's pretty good. You get the Brooklyn Bridge up my ass over here. It's not too shabby. It's pretty good.

I mean, hey, I've lived here for 20 years. Sure. But I just got to rep the city for a second. But at the end of that, now you've got to put him in the stroller and pack him in and walk a half a mile to the subway. Then you've got to get two people to carry him down the stairs. And then you've got to wait for the train, and it's hot and sticky and gay,

and it's weekend service, so it takes 25 minutes. And then you've got to carry them back up the stairs and boob-lo-boop-skippity-pop. Yeah. That's the part that's so frustrating. And I can't imagine what a prescription to Dumbo House costs. I don't either. She bought that before me, and I'm glad I'm not paying for it. And then you get a hot dog, and that's eight bucks.

And then you get a fucking cup of water, and that's eight bucks. And you're like, fucking Christ on the cross. They gouge the dick out. I went to Mr. Softie with the boy. I go, we're going to hit the ice cream truck, which is a... the best thing that's ever happened to him. And I go, hey, hey, let me just get a cup. What's the cone you can chew?

You know what I'm talking about? That cone they could bite off. Is it like a wafer or a sugar cone? Not a cone cone. It's not a cone shape, but it's a handle. But it's chewable. It's like the McDonald's thing. Oh.

What's the McDonald's thing? That's just a cone, isn't it? I think it's called a cone, but the guy kept being like cone, cone, like a waffle cone. Uh-huh. Like an actual cone shape. This doesn't have a shape of a cone. Oh, yeah. But it is a holdy cone.

I think that's just another kind of cone. I think it's a cone, too. So I kept going, cone, and he was holding up the big old fat waffle. And I was like, I don't want the waffle. I just want the standard McDonald's cone. And he was like, no, no, no, cone. And I was like, I don't want that cone. I want the regular cone, the handle, whatever you call it.

Yeah. It's like the torch at the Olympics. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, no, no, no. I haven't seen a cone cone, triangular cone since 75. That guy. I want that guy. He didn't have those. Isn't that a typical cone? That's a typical cone.

Yeah, I think so. This guy was talking to me like I was a cone head. He was like, I don't know that. I go, I don't want the waffle. I hate the waffle's too much. I just want that. Interesting. And you can eat it after, and the kid likes it. He goes, we don't have that. And then I realized, I was like, fuck it, give me the waffle cone. After 20 minutes of deliberating, we had a line down the block.

The coat, the waffle cone is $5. And the ice cream is $5. So he handed me this, and I go, how much? I'm thinking $253, maybe $10. I go $10. For a cup of ice cream? And he goes, $10.

And he's gouging because we're in Dumbo. Everything's gouged. It's all gouged now. I mean, a hot dog is fucking $8.5 bucks now. It's fucking nuts. It's nuts. That should be $1.12.

It's just asinine. And by the way, you talk about women. Austin has the hottest women. Austin is unbelievable. I had one. The first morning we were there, I go out. By the way, I think they cleaned up downtown, too. It was the least amount of homes people looking to see it.

Yeah, I mean, there's plenty of homeless people, but, like, it was a third of three years ago, or even last February. But I walked out at one point, it was like a joke. I went to get Starbucks. I leave that, they put you in a fucking massive apartment on the 20th floor. It's beautiful. Oh, yeah, that condo is bananas. Best comedy condo, best green room. Easily.

Aside from Madison. Madison still has mothership beat. I would say there's other, there's other green rooms that beat the mother. I got to hear it. All right. How about Utah. It's all Lake City? That's a big green room.

I mean, it's roomy. Then you've got a side room with snacks. I guess. It's pretty small. What? Utah. So what are we talking? That big room in the back.

With all the couches. There's a couple couches. It's a TV. Yeah. What's it called again? Wise guys. Wise guys. I don't think it's huge.

You're thinking of the, they have a little room, but then there's that big area. Oh, the big area. Yeah, yeah. But it's just a couch and a TV. Yeah, it's true. Mother shit, first of all, you can smoke. I mean, you can, as a cigar guy, is unbelievable. And you have a fridge full of water drink.

There's a full bar. I don't drink, but there is a full bar, like high end. Definitely hit that bar. High end, whiskey, vodka, tequila, everything. There's two TVs so you can watch the show, or you can just turn the TV. You can hook up to blue. tooth and play your own music, which is amazing. Oopi-Doo.

That's pretty great. There's no interruptions. Nobody's coming in there. No, you got that right. There's a fucking guard outside, which is huge. Long couch, beautiful table. To me, the smoking is the big thing. And you got that balcony right there.

You got the bathroom right there. And if Rogan's not there, he's blaring some Gary Clark Dickless. Or AI music. Or AI. And it's like, I can't even talk in there. But he's like, he's vibing out with his Diet Coke and his Zinn. Yeah.

So you're like, okay, I guess this is your time. Yeah. But when he's gone, the cats will play. Which is, what's fascinating because it's like, the whole thing is just lined up with Stevie Ray Vaughn photos and Sam Kinnison and all this stuff. And he's like, check out this AI music. I'm like, oh my God. A-I. I don't know about this AI music.

He plays it like, he plays it for everybody. Really? He got to hear this. He never played it on the regs or whatever the show's called, the TechDark Arts? What the fuck with Mark Barron? No, no, it's, we don't do really music. We'll play like Stayway to Heaven and chug beer. Oh, there's like a, you can watch like a compilation of him playing for like 90 people.

Peyton was the first one that told me. He was like in the green room. He's like, check out this music. Yeah. Oh, weird. There's like different programs like Suno and you can put in like make a song about Mark being gay and it'll write a whole song and you can put whatever genre you want. But he's got like people doing 50 cent as like a soul singer. Oh.

It's like all up in the club. I've seen. And he's like, you got to hear this. This is amazing. I see. I'm such a retire. I hear AI and I picture a robot going. playing a guitar like a Chucky Cheese.

No, it's changed. It's changed. That's animatronic. Yeah, yeah. But any farts, I love all the art in there is crazy. Chris Rogers does all the fucking paintings, and it's a long way to the top is beautiful. Yeah. Have you seen the Sam Kinnison made out of bottle caps?

No. It's new. It's fucking insane. Wow. They have a huge tent. I took photos of it. Please. It's Sam Kinnison.

Some artists made it out of all these. different bottle caps. I do love how not everybody's allowed in there. Not to be exclusive, but like one time a reporter came back there and Rogan's like, whoa, get the fuck out of here. He kicked the guy out like Jazzy Jeff. It was incredible.

And you're like, yeah, you don't want, I feel like that's a new epidemic where I'm in the green room with a guy and I'm like, can I say, can I be normal around this guy? Right, right. Or do I have to censor? There's none of that there. Look at this.

We'll plug this in. Whoa. I mean, look at that. And it's bottle. Caps, and then look when you get close. I mean, this is up close. And each one is a different bottle cap. He had to research the colored bottle caps and find them.

Easy. Look at that. Wow. That is unbelievable. Now, was that a gift? Did he purchase that? I don't know. I think somebody probably made it.

I mean, that's fucking incredible. Incredible. Which, by the way, did you hear this story? Tarantino was on, not sturt. Oh, on Rogan. That's hilarious. Oh, old. Yeah.

He was on Rogan. And he's talking about being at the comedy store in 1982 and went to the store. He's sitting there. They're watching the show. It's fun and funny. And he sees all the regulars. And then at the end of the show,

this is like, this story gave me goosebumps. It's 1982. And some guy in the back just goes, it's like one o'clock in the morning, some guy goes, bring out the beast. And then another guy over there's like, give him the beast.

Oh, shit. And so it's like, it's time for the beast. And then they're like, this is 82. Oh, okay. And so someone goes, someone goes All right, ladies

gentlemen, it's time Here he comes Sam Kinnison Like, no one's ever heard of this man Except for the people that are going to the store Tarantino's like, you know 18 years old or whatever the fuck Is he pumped?

Or he didn't know? He just didn't know what was going on. I think he was 19 He's like a boy And he's like You know, he's looking around Because everyone's like Bring out the beast

Give him the beast! He's like, what the fuck's happening? And he comes out, Kineson And an unknown guy and is like, oh my God! And the place goes nuts and crazy and whatever. And he's like, he didn't see him again until television three years later when he blows up. Whoa. It's always funny those comics who act like their hot shit before they broke.

Right. You know those guys who were like on stage like, come on, I need more. I'm the shit. You're lucky I'm here. And I'm like, no one knows who you are. Right. But they usually do blow up. It's just crazy that like there was like this buzz of this thing coming out.

Yeah. I've never been into. We've talked with this. I never got into Kinnison because I was later and he was just screaming. I didn't really get it. Same, same. Maybe if I listen now, I'd be more, I'm just such a joke guy. He was always just like

hunched over, he'd be like, ah, gana, yeah. Just like a kid. I'd be like, why is this guy screaming at me? His letterman is very good because he goes into the audience. He breaks the mold is the thing with Kitteson. Chris Rock said he's the first comic

to not be doing Cosby. You know, we're all just standing there in a sweater and a blazer talking to a microphone, but he changed the whole thing. I guess. I mean, Carlin with the ponytail and the beer. I agree. Poems. Or Steve Martin with an arrow through his head. Yeah, other people chambre, but he kind of just flipped the whole thing on its anal. Yeah. I remember in that born suspect, that CD. Yes. He said, his kid said, funniest white guy of all time. Right, which I completely disagree with.

Yeah. Like I said, I think it's just generational, but this story of just this unknown guy and there's like a buzz in the room being like, here he comes. And being like a teenage Quist being like, what's happening right now? I love it. What's about to happen? And then this crazy guy starts coming and screaming at everybody. Yeah. Well, comedy used to have some bite.

It got all moral. You feel like comedy got a moral sex? You know, it's just, hey, that's a little off-putting. It used to be more a little rock and rolly. I guess so. It was Led Zeppel, hitting you with a fish and throwing a TV out the window. I mean, Shane Gillis just did a football stadium. That's pretty rock and roll.

No, no, doing the stadiums is, but there's like, hey, but has he donated to that St. Jude's, you know, there's like a weird, there's like a weird, hey, you got to be good, too. You got to be a sweet boy also. I'm like, all right, I don't know, Doug, give me Kittison with two hookers on chains. Yeah, yeah, well, you still got Stanhope, you know, he's doing drugs and whatnot. Yeah, he's around. Yeah, but I hear you. He's old guard. Yes. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, I hear you. All right. But that beast, anyway, I'll stop blowing Austin and the mothership.

Oh, I didn't tell the story. I was leaving the high rise, and I walk on, like, I'm going to go grab a coffee, and a yoga class had just let out. It was like the gods were trying to lure me in. I walk out of this building. I'm not joking. There's 22 of the hottest women I've ever seen yoga pants, bikini tops. They're on bikes. They're on each other's shoulders.

They're doing hopscotch. And they're just spreading out everywhere. I was like, ha, ah, ha. And I haven't seen that in the city since 85. No, you don't get that anymore. Soho. You ever go down to Soho on a Friday night? You're like, oh, I got a gig downtown.

You go through Soho and you're like, oh, my God, it's like a fucking Gucci ad. It's just runway models all day. And you're like, this is why I moved here. Right. But it's few and far between. Yeah. I mean, Austin, they're all, and it's so hot. They're all in boots and booty shorts and yoga pants.

It's one of the perks of a warm city is you can't really get fat or your life is over. Yeah, true. You go to Phoenix, it's a bunch of smoke shows, and you're like, oh, yeah, it's 9,000 degrees here. If you put on three pounds, you're going to blow up. Yeah, good point. You're going to combust. Well, we're going. I'm up here.

I'm already gone. I'm going to join those Philly boys and have the time of my life down there. So funny that they grew up in Philly, which is like a major city, and now they've gone to Austin to make it. Now they have these big houses, and they get up everywhere. They have some respect and some career. you think it'd be the other way. I grew up in Texas. So I moved to the big city to make it as a comedian.

Now it's flipped. Now they're going down to make it. Yeah. Austin's, you know, it's become a thing. And like I said, there's like 10 clubs down there. Yeah, yeah. People think of the mothership. But you've got the Creek, Roscoe, Sunset, Velvita, Black Rabbit, East Austin.

I heard that Cap City is great. I've never done the new one. Well, I did it right before Mother's. ship and it was awesome. It was one of the best weekends of my life. But I think there's some contention. But it's far. It's like a half hour north. Oh, geez. 28 minutes.

I think it's a little tense between the two clubs. I don't think Rogan's worried. No, no. I think it's like this like, if your work, the mother should cap city is a little bit like, hey, what the fuck. They've got two rooms there, too, by the way. Oh, really? Yeah, they got the little room up there.

And you got the Paramount Theater, which is one of the great theaters. Right next to the State Theater, which is like a small theater. Oh, that's a good room, too. I gotta get back to that paramed. That's fun. That's a great room. I think room's gonna burn it. Oh, wow.

That's the word on the quiff. That would be cool. Yeah. Well, I gotta tell you this. You ever seen this movie? Cinema Paradiso? I don't think so. If I did, I don't remember.

Dude, you gotta put this movie right up. You're a big movie quefe, big buff. Sure. Ron on, the whole thing. You've got to see this film. Tell me about it. Well, it's a classic Italian film. and I watched it.

It's from 1988. But I watch it as a kid with my dad. And the whole movie's about being a kid and growing up and then becoming a man and coming of age and coming on your back and all this. And now I'm a dad. So it's one of these that hits you different. So I watch it with the wife, who's pregnant.

I go, she goes, let's watch a movie tonight. I've been in town all week where I spending a lot of quality time. I canceled shows. My hair's fucked. So we go, let's watch a nice movie. I had a couple beers. put the movie on. She's pregnant.

Falls asleep in about eight minutes. Yeah, I hate the fall of sleep. It's a nice two and a half hour movie. I think it's my top five of all time movies. I'm waiting for you to watch it and hate it. But give it a whirl. I'll give it a whirl. I'll be it online.

But I put it on and I watch it with my dad as a kid. Now I'm a dad. I put this movie on. I got the lady sleeping right here, snoring on my dick. I cried like a fat bitch. At a hooters. Wow.

I can't picture you crying. I mean, it was like a... Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Come on. Come on. Hoopies, too. I don't believe this for a second. I've never seen you cry.

Whoopie, boo-boo, because I was crying. Wow. I mean, so what happened was, I hadn't seen it so long, so I took a photo of the screen of the main guy, text it to my dad.

Wow. So now things are flowing. Oh, beautiful. Guess what I'm willing. watching and he goes, send him a Paradiso. And I went, you god damn right. And then, since I sent him a photo, I was in the photo app, and I just

happened to swipe left, there's a photo of my kid. And it just hit me. Wow. So you got the dad text, you swipe one over, and it's my kid at a pool, like, and I fucking just went full

Lindsay Clancy and wept openly. Wow. Good for you. Have a nice cry. I love a cry. Oh, it felt weird. It felt good. You got the wife here. You got your own house. You don't live in Austin. Things are good. Now, you think about waking her up and saying, look, I'm human. No, I was glad. I don't want to ruin my tough guy rep. I see. So I was so glad that she was out. Then I told her later. She was like, oh, I missed it. You had an emotion. You're a fucking robot. And I went beep, poop, poop, poop. And we went to bed. Wow, that's beautiful. The power of cinema. It's a hell of a flick. You've got to why. It's got all this, these through, long capitalism and coming of age and growing up and nostalgia. It's a lot of layers. Well, get right in there.

I've been watching this bullshit Netflix talk about John Paul Miller. You know, this guy. He's a rapy guy. It's all the same. It's like these rapy religious guys. And the lady shoots herself in the forehead. Is it a cult of kinds? No, he's some, you know, Christian-y guy who's a manipulating, rapy asshole.

One of those. Netflix, it's crazy what Netflix has done to these dots. just so cookie-cutter. They're all exactly the same. I know. Exactly the same. And people love them. They wait.

They go, remind me. Right, right. The wife's like that. She watches all those. I watch them all, too. But it's just so crazy because it's like, it opens with the crime. They show the thing.

They hook you. Then they have the fucking, what's the drone shot? The guy's pulling up, putting the microphone on. You meet the person. It's stretched out to three episodes. It could be 40 minutes. But you're like, I love a crime. I love any timeline.

Give me a timeline. 8.45 a.m. He wakes up. He kisses his wife and the dick. He goes to 7-Eleven. And you give me surveillance footage. I'm hooked. Love surveillance.

Give me a guy walking through who doesn't know he's about to die or he's about to kill his mother, whatever it is. Surveillance is the best. Yeah, that's fun. Even I didn't follow the Nancy Clancy thing. I keep calling her Nancy Glancy. I said it once and now it's just stuck in my head.

That's a good rhyme. But Hopi-Doo, I show, buttily we were on his podcast, we were watching like surveillance of the family and you see the kids alive on a surveillance camera. It's chilling.

Well, there's these flock, cock, dick cameras everywhere. You can see everything. You could see the killer go from the house to the car, to the grocery store, to work, to the strip club,

to get a stake, and then back. You see every second. I know. It's weird now because now, because now we've had this for so long. Now you watch a murder doc. It's like all on video.

It used to be, it's like grainy footage. You'd see a thing. Now it's like 100% of everything is on there. And this is before we have the robot overlords. I know. I know. The drones are coming. Now, have you seen this?

If you can pull this out of my back to like you, Jamie. J-mo. But now they got drones following the smash-and-grab people. Oh. So these people break into a Louis Vuitton or whatever. they steal every merchandise in the city and they all run. Now you got drones over them, so they're like, ah, shit. Now you get the facial wreck.

It's Robocop. You get the car. You get the license plate. And they're like, oh, they got the jewels dropping, you know, and the hairweaves going. And it's a different time, Faddy. You can't be smashing and grabbing. Yeah, Jules Verne. I mean, it's Robocop.

It's AI. What's that other movie? Minority Report. Ooh, they were minorities. We're going to go full minority report. Yeah. And they were reported. But, yeah, they got them.

They got them. The drones, they, these guys had it, they had it good for too long, but the technology's caught up. Yeah, it's going to be funky, funky assholes up there. I told you, I got popped up by the self-checkout. What do you mean? Well, I'm a sticky finger Charlie at the self-checkout. I could steal, I could put two carrots in my ass. I got a bag of lemons up my shirt.

But I was at the self-checkout, you know, you're doing the, I even do like a fake boop. Yeah. I got the boop down and I'm swiping a big rack of ribs I'm swiping all kinds of stuff big loaf of bread and it's doing that mhm, mah, mah, mah, and you go

ah, fucking machine must be faulty these things, you know, you can't get a decent machine these days and the guy comes up and he goes he's got the lanyard and he has to do the scan and he scanned it and he goes wait a minute and he checks the camera and he goes, you didn't ring up the

raspberries and I go oh I didn't know my boy I got raspberries. And I go, I must have missed it. He's like, yeah, yeah, he also didn't ring up

the salmon. And I go, oh, geez, I must have missed the blower there. And he's like, okay, well, I'm going to

keep my eye on you. So I got popped. There's a guy and there's an Asian guy in a room somewhere in Detroit watching us. The eye in the sky is watching us all.

It's a small eye. Well, this is the thing that I fucking hate about the technology, the time we're living in. You go to CVS. Now there's not even an option to go to the register.

I know. You've got to go to the automated bullshit, and I've never gotten through one where it didn't say wait for the employee. Every time. Because I don't use a bag. I don't want a fucking bag. I'll just carry the diapers and the flip-flops and the sunblock and the

G.I. Joe out myself. But if you don't bag, I literally every single time, and I snap, I'm like, what's the point of having the automated harsh shit? Of course. If fucking, I can't get through the transaction. Yes, and let me steal one thing. If you're not going to check me out and you're not going to be an employee, I get one

item. Absolutely. That's my rule. Yeah, take it. That's a good subway take. Oh, hey, can I use that? Yeah, it's yours. Well, I've always wondered what the hell am I going to say on there? Because that shows a little quefy. Why don't you get on there? I don't know. I don't want to sit on a subway.

Well, I told you, I went last, and that show ended. I was like, eight people. I went last. I was in fucking Coney Island. I was like, I don't know where I am. Exactly, yeah. It was horrible. Drop you off in Queens somewhere. I got nothing but subway takes.

Yeah, but it's got to be the right take to really hile. Uh-huh. What, you got another one? I just had one the other day. I can't remember what it was, though. Now I've got to think of it. I think the monogamous, what do you call that? What do you call it?

Homogenous, when it's normal. Homogeneous. Homogeneous is all one thing. Not ominous. Normal. When it's not controversial, but just kind of. Anonymous, synonymous. Mainstream.

Anonymous. Anonymous, synonymous, homogenous. When it's just a regular. Collect, usual. Standard. Yeah, that works. I guess usual, I don't know. But, like Marcello had all sauces should be on the side.

Oh, yeah, I like that. That's not controversial. No group was involved. No offensive. Those are the best ones when it's just a everyday anonymous. Not a not. What are I thinking here? What are you thinking?

You got it. I mean, in terms of controversial, it'd be like benign. Benign. You know what I mean? Yeah, benign's not bad. Huh. Benign. Benign.

Eight. Seven. Okay. There'd be how many? Yeah, I don't know. It's just something that's like every day. Oh, I know you're thinking of. Inocuous?

Inocuous. Oh, Enocuous. Whoa, Fanny. How the hell did you pull that? That was lunch. I know. Good to have you back. Anacuous.

I would have never got to. that. That's a hell of a word. I didn't know I even knew that word existed. Yeah. Yeah. Anacuous is the way to go. Interesting. Well, I haven't. My other one is the first 10 minutes of every movie are fucking awesome. I like that. Every movie.

You put on the credits and there's just boots walking up a hallway and it's like click-clack and it's like produced by it. I'm like, woo-hoo! This is great. This is all up. We're going, baby. It's all positive from here. Every movie. I'm seven minutes in. I'm like, this is the best thing I ever saw.

Yeah, that is a good one. This is fucking fantastic. Although two girls, one cup, falls off a cliff pretty quick. I suppose so. But, yeah, that's one of my takes. I had another take. I can't remember. Yeah, I can't remember my mind.

All I think is is takes. I know. I had something about Muslims, but that's not going to fly. Yeah, no. Jews will fly. You can do that. Jews will fly. You'll do whatever you want there.

I suppose so. Somebody had a great tweet. It was a Muslim guy in Iran on a carpet shooting a machine gun at a B-52 bomber American plane, and he's like, man, when my mom sees this, she's going to not know it's AI. Or something like that, she's going to be like, whoa, have you seen this?

Right. The parents don't understand the AI stuff yet. Sure. They're all blown away. By the way, speaking of Islam, I got home last night, September. I live downtown. They got the big blue bat signal lights up,

the World Trade Center. Oh, fun. Look at these photos. This will blow your mind. What a country we're living in. I know I'm just showing photos this whole thing. It's 9-11 or something, isn't it? Yeah.

Look at this. God bless America. Wow. That's my balcony. Is that unbelievable? Look at that. Wow. I mean, that's just dynamite.

It looks like he's going to suck up a guy. It's the bat signal. I got to send you these photos. Plug that right in. I mean, I got emotional. I started crying. I got hard. From a light.

Look at that. That's a hell of a dildo. I mean, come on. It's a lightsaber. Look at this one. Wow. Look at that. I'll never move in, the red, white and blue, stars and strokes forever. God bless America. Blue Lives Matter. Deep in the heart of Texas. Forget about it. You don't get to get that in Austin. I'll tell you that.

Now, is that shooting at the moon? What is that doing? Shoot the moon. What's the end game on that? That just looks beautiful. Look at the end game as I fucking love America. I sign up for the Army. You shit and me. Yeah. Hoorah! Take that bin Laden. You thought you won. that and you hoop-a-doo. Hoop-by-doo. Four bucks, $5,500 a month. Hoop-y-Doo.

Now, let me tell one more Austin story because this one... Jesus Christ. This one is special. All right. So, and I texted you, boys, so there's no surprises here. But we might have to put the video

on the Patreon. So we're in the Comedy Condo, which is the Thompson Hotel, the Sienna building. Maybe I shouldn't tell people someone's going to get assassinated. Primo Diggs. Unbelievable.

was sitting there. By the way, Ron White popped in the green room. He's like, mind if I smoke? He's like, you Joe? I was like, we've met 350 times. He does that. Yes, I'm Joe. Yeah, he called me Matt once.

He's got flowing hair. That's pretty close. I'll take it. Flowing beautiful hair. He's got a Gucci man purse. And he's like, I'll smoke with you. And I was like, great. Meanwhile, he's just looking at his phone or whatever.

Yeah, yeah. But pretty cool. Like, if you would have told 1998 Joe List, hey, you're going to be smoking with Ron White in about 10 decades. Yeah. That's pretty good. good. But it was fine. We had a good time. We kicked around some old stories. The nice thing about a guy that can't remember anything, you can tell him the same stories.

He's like, that's gold. It was gold when I told you in Vegas. It was gold when I told you in L.A. Yeah, yeah. You get a rewind. But anyway, and I offered him a spot, which he was grateful for. Didn't take it. No, thank Christ. Probably for the best. I didn't want him on. Of course, that's tough. Look, color comedy tour. You got to do it. I mean, you got to say, hey. Anyway. So I'm in the Sienna of 20th floor and it's beautiful. It's a corner room. I mean, you've got

a view of the football stadium and then just the empty nothingness that is Texas. Oh, yeah. And you can see the club. Monday that was there Monday. I could see the whole line for Kill Tony up the block, around the corner. Remember the Alamo. Packed in. And

I didn't do Kill Tony because I wanted to watch tennis. This is where my career is where it's at. I'm like, even Joe's playing. I got to watch. That's crazy. Well, I've done it four times. It's a lot of pressure. It's a lot of stress. By the way, the comics, the bucket people blow up.

No one's blowing up from panel. Who's the guy that has blown up from doing panel? I think you get a lot of hits off panel. You get some followers. I think it's bigger than any of the pod you're going to do. It's bigger than Butterlee's pod. It's bigger, but I don't know how much people are like, well, that guy said seven funny things. I don't know.

We have to do antitmatronic signals. But you're already doing well if you're on the panel. Sure. Like only people that are already kicking ass are on the panel. Whereas the comics, no one ever heard of them. They get to showcase themselves doing stand-up. They blow up, obviously. Sure.

But if you've never done panel and you do panel, I think you get a bump. Yeah. But I'm saying the fifth time. Okay. I'll watch some tennis. I don't think it hurts. It's a long night. It's a lot of stress.

Then you've got to be like, you're watching an open mic or shake like a limb, and then you got to be like, well, you suck ass, and they're like, oh, geez, you're my favorite comic, and you're like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm trying to get laughs. I feel terrible. I'm like, look at this fat pig. She's like, well, I'm trying to lose weight, and you're like, yeah, yeah. That's the hard thing about Kill Tony, and I love the show and I'm grateful for it, and Tony's a fucking killer, obviously. But it's hard because, like, if I just watched a young comic do one minute of stand-up, I'd be like, hey, great job, buddy.

I know, I know. Fantastic. You're doing it. Keep that head down and just listen to your sets and be nice. Keep writing. Keep getting up on stage. That's if it's private. But if there's 150 million people watching, I'm like,

you're a fucking cock eating, cum-swallowing fat piece of shit. You should kill yourself. You should quit tonight. How long you've been doing it? Five, five years! What a fucking loser! Yeah. I think you're sitting there through the roll-a-decks.

You're like, all right, fat lady. Fat lady does comment. Ma'am Kinnison? Hey, ma'am Kinnison! Whoa! She's going to go home and slit her wrist. Meanwhile, I feel good about a pun. Yes.

I had one. when there was a lady who, like, worked, her day job was like a tire salesman, and she was like six pounds overweight. And I had this joke, I was like, oh, so you always carry a tire around your waist? Oh, what an asshole. I couldn't say it. So I just held it in, but I'm like, I could get three followers. By the way, it's an Oreo truck outside the window, which is perfect.

I think Rupert's driving. He couldn't drive that. Hit me in the back in 10 minutes. That's true. That's true. Just of devouring. I like the image of them opening the doors, and there's one Oreo. left. He's like, I just got done.

What's the Wicked Witch's favorite cookie? Oreo. Oreo. Okay. No, I don't remember that one. That's up there with Hoopie Do. Well, that's the song they say. I made it up. Oh, oh, oh, okay. Oh, thank God, I didn't lie and say I heard it. So anyways, what am I talking about?

Oh, but I had this joke locked and loaded, but I'm like, what am I going to do? Just call a slightly tinsy-bitsy, overweight young comic who's funny, fat for 11 likes? And you didn't do it. No. So instead, every Reddit is like, this guy's got nothing, he sucks, he can't think of anything, and I'm like, well, I thought of something, but it was just horribly mean.

Yeah, yeah. What? We're out of time? Okay, well, where I'm in the Seattle. Hit me, Fannie. 20th floor. It's Saturday night. It's all pipes. The Weston is directly across the way. The Weston's got 20 floors. So just directly across, there's all these hotel rooms. So, of course, what do you do if you're across from a hotel room? You jerk off?

and look at the other windows. You stare at the windows and you hope someone's fucking in the bed. As you do. And the whole week I'm down, I'm like this. I'm playing with the kid because he's playing. He loves looking out the window. So we're looking out the window.

And I'm going, let me see here. Oh, there's a foot. There's a leg. There's a hoof. There's a dog. Saturday night around 6.17 p.m. It's like a timeline. It's like a Netflix dog.

I look over there. I see, now the sun is shining. And so the depth of field and the light and the shadows is a little tricky. but I see two little dainty feet on the bed laying face down, just two feet, you know, and then a guy comes in, and then there's another body moving over there, and I'm like,

I think there's something about to happen here. Yeah, yeah. And I watched the guy, he kind of disappeared because the light, he kind of disappears, and I just see a pair of little pink panties get pulled off slowly, off the feet, just click, and he does a little swinging motion.

And I'm like, oh boy, it's happening. Here we go. And now my son is staring at the window, and I'm playing monster trucks with him. I got Digotron and Mayhem. And he's got Earthshaker and Gravedigger. So we're kind of doing this thing. And I'm like, I'm like, Kramer. I'm like, uh-huh.

Digger, please. Yeah. Yeah. And then I watch this guy pull his panties off. He does the switcheroo swingy. He's got the most definitive tail line, pale ass, dark legs. and it's happening. Wow.

20th floor, directly across the way, window shades opening, panties come off, nice and delicate, he pulls her ass up, and I learned a thing or two. Really? I'm fucking my wife like Jimmy Holmes or whatever that guy. He went slow, and you just see the bottom feet. You can't really see your body. You just see her feet. First, it's doggy style.

I go, Sarah, come here, check this out. And she's like, what? The dog whistle. And I think she was into it, too. She was like, wow, she's kind of pretending to be like, oh, wow, that's crazy. Yeah. And I'm like, is this nuts? And Marty's like, what's nuts?

Where's nuts? And I'm like, there's nuts. No nuts. So I'm trying to, I'm pointing his head. I'm like, look at the crane. It's like, fucking Schindler's list. I'm like, look at the snow. Look at the snow.

And I keep looking over. I got my forehead on the thing. My glasses are dinking off the window. And he went, he had her foot up here, her foot over there. I'm writing stuff on my hand. Wow. It was the sexiest thing I've ever seen. great man ass. That's the main thing you can see. And he's just plowing her nice and slow.

Are the legs up? Every different way. One leg on a shoulder, one leg by the hip. Then he switches. Chuck's hard as a rock. Toss him a pillow. Sure. And it was just beautiful. And then they move. It goes on for like 22 minutes. Hey, that guy's a hall of favor. I took some video. Can we put it on the Patreon? Yeah, I think we can. As long as YouTube doesn't block it.

Well, there's no genitalia. There's tits There's floppy titty, but eventually they go reverse cowgirl and it starts getting late. It's like, whoa. Just full reverse cowgirl, tits flopping. I texted everybody I've ever met.

Luke, Ronan, Karen, you guys. Thank you for that. Kramer, the butler, Derek, Erica, everybody. Everybody got a piece. There's nothing better than spotting the window fuck in a hotel. That feels like Christmas morning for an adult. And it was a threesome reverse cowgirl

backwards, anal, And then I thought maybe they're coming to the show because it was like 680, 640, whatever. And 680K, 4K. And they wrapped up and the room was just empty like 710. Wow. So on stage, I was like, by any chance was anyone just having a threesome? Nobody spoke up. But it was something else.

Two women, one guy. First cowgirl from behind, doggy style, panty pole. And it was heavy duty. I mean, these people were working. And it was 25 minutes. And I had to just keep playing with the kid and be like, wow, vroom, vroom, hunk, whoa. Watch how the wires get crossed. I mean, it was unbelievable.

Unbelievable luck. What a find. What? I saw BJ once in a hotel window, but nothing like this. I mean, that lady was bopping and grinding and humping and grooving, and there was a second lady, and then they kind of diked each other out, whatever term. I don't know if you can say that. Sure.

It was really something to see. And it's a great moment for us when we're looking at the video and you're like, wait a minute, are those six feet? Yeah. I think there's three people here. There's three people.

Hit the threesome. It was nuts. It was fun texting you guys. So join the Patreon and watch these people fuck. Please. It was really something else. And if this doesn't get people on the Patreon, forget about it.

We should make a whole video. We'll do play by play. Yeah, send it to a friend. Spread the word. Spread the legs. Because it was such a good romp. You want to just go, okay, one, two, three, four, four,

16th floor. Okay, it looks like they're on the East Wing. All right, you want to just go in the lobby and wait. All right, guys, and then we thought about giving them a show. A little of what's good for the goose is good for the gander. But then it would be like, well, it'll last three minutes and whatever. Well, should I. Sure, sure.

You don't want to get a guy to get a look at the mug. I think I could get into the swinging sex. Let us come over there. We'll fuck next to you. You watch us. We watch you. We'll kiss your dick. Whatever I go, you meet these couples.

They're like, hey, you guys go to the sex club. because all these couples are bored. They're all trying to branch out and adventure. Uh-huh. So that's a very popular thing. You do one little Google search. You'll be bumping and jiving.

Well, the upside-down pineapple. There goes a lady right there. I'd make a love to her. All right, well, we got to wrap it up. This has been fun. I'm moving to Texas. Up here, I'm already gone. There you go, folks.

Deep in the heart of Texas, big bright lights, big city, Texas toast. When does this come out? Texas tea? 21st. Longhorns. All right, well, side splitters, of course, on the 21st to the 3rd. I don't know.

I don't even know how to find my dates. It's a great town. Great club. I suck. Side splinters, October 1st through the 3rd. And then Philadelphia, all my boys there. All my new buddies, my future family. They're all from Philly.

I'll be there October 22nd to the 24th at Helium. And then, of course, oh, this Thursday, I'm. I added the show in Toronto. I think that one's almost sold out. Toronto, everyone's always talking. Come to Toronto doing two shows in a small theater there. So fill that up. And then, yeah, side splitters.

And I forget where else I am. I don't know. Go to punchup. com slash Joe list. Sign up my email list. My email list is going up and up. That's the best thing you can do. Sign up for the email list.

I'll email you when I'm coming to town so you never miss it. There you go. Get on Punch Up, folks. We're all there. We're all cooking. I'm in Denver. We added a show. Come on out.

Then the movie shoot's going to throw some shit. maybe Portland, maybe Madison, Wisconsin, San Jose Improv. God help me, those tickets are not moving. We're at the mothership in November. Atlantic City, Tropicana, then Wind Creek Casino in Bethlehem, PA, Fantasy Springs, and Palazzo.

The Fantasy Springs in Indio, California. How about that? And then Comedy Zone is Charlotte, and the Cedar Showroom, in Mashantucket, basically Foxwoods, right? That's not... I think so. Yeah, then Verona, New York at the Turning Stone, resort, casino,

gets a bodega cat, get on the Patreon, quefe it up, my hair's almost done, I'll see you soon. What do you got? Chuckles. Check out my podcast, fun bearable, but more importantly, we are doing a very special film project, and we did get fully funded, thanks to Chris, one of the Tuesdays,

he's the one that got us over the... How much is to give you? I can do some money. I'll tell you. afterwards. Oh. Oh, Chris. Hit me up, Chris. This guy seems like a high roller.

Wow! He was just... Christopher. He was... Give me two and a half mill. Yeah. I'll get it back to you. I promise.

And, yeah, but we are, you know, we're going to do festivals, and I just found out we're going to do a little bit of a reshoot, small thing. So if you still want to get on board and be behind the scenes on this thing and become part of it as a backer... I'm already bored. Hit me up on Instagram or Twitter at discount Chuck. Yeah. All right.

There you go, folks. We'll see it. Join the Patreon. We've got a threesome on there. It's crazy. I know. We're filming strangers and putting their sex content. I think you do it in the window.

That's, come on. You want to be on the internet. Yeah, my wife tries to get in the window. I don't like it. Oh, really? I like the window. She's in the public. You got a banger.

Tell her to call me. Yeah, it's not for me. Topanga. Topanga. Topanga Canyon. Yeah. Topanga Canyon. Yeah.

So yeah, come on out. Check out the Patreon. I mean, look, this is the biggest behind. Oh, who, that was close. This is the biggest must-queef TV of all time, because this lady queefs. So you're going to see it right in the window. So get on there, see in hell, sweep it up, and send us your recent videos if you got them. Sure.