Tuesdays with Stories! - #675 Turban Cowboy

Episode Date: September 29, 2026

The boys ponder the history of broadcasting! Joe gets into a skerfuffle at Ground Zero! Mark heads to Canada and takes a financial risk! Joe mistakes the big date… or did he?!? It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ https://BlueChew.com/ - Taking care of your health just got easier – start here with Zocdoc : https://zocdoc.com/TUESDAYS #sponsored -  Sheath. The underwear of legends. Go to https://www.sheath.com/TUESGAYS and use code TUESGAYS for 20% off.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Ah, the sun is shining. We're back. I got a short haircut. I look like I'm in the Army now. It looks nice. Yeah, it's a little tight and high. It's coming together.

I mean, you've got that wacky... Mole thing. You're starting to get covered. Finally. Starting to cover up. Your little nipple there, your head nip. My kid will just... Bop, hit the doorbell.

Yeah. Bingong. Yeah, it's funky. The head nipples. We got a great show. The head nipples are here. Yeah. They suck.

Milk. They're lactating. But yeah, it's starting to look good. You look human again. Oh, thank you. It's coming in. It was ugly. I almost quit for a minute.

But you're looking nice. It was a big hat I had. Big hat. Big hat. Yes, yes. It's a big coat. September, I say it every year, all year, ever since I was a boy,

because I went to the New York Film Academy, as you did. Sure. 2003. And I was here September of 03. And every single day, 74 and Sunny, 77 and sunny. And this year, September started with a bunch of rain. It was like rain.

I was like, this is not the deal. No deal. But now we're back. It's September. September to remember. Yes. I love September every year in New York except for the one. This is great.

That was bad. It's gorgeous. We just had the 25th anniversary. 9-11. Yep. Or a week ago, whatever it was. Yeah, yeah. And now I talked about this on the reg, so I don't want to belabor her.

But, you know, you might actually listen and respond properly. Belabor day. I listened to, and I'm sure you've listened to this before. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. I listened to the full Howard Stern 9-11. Wow. Did he have whores? He was talking about Pam Anderson before,

and then Pam Anderson was dating your boy Kid Rock at the time. Is that right? And one of his guys does an on-the-fly interview with Kid Rock and Pamela, and they're like, come on the show, whatever. And then Stern is talking about how he's kissed or made out with Pamela. And they're like, why didn't you fuck her, you fucking homo? And he's like, she wasn't into me? Stern, hooked up with Pamela?

He kissed her and a strip like, we're all hanging out of a titty bar. Wow, she really stooped down. I know, her up. He's like 7-9. That's true. He looks like a scarecrow. So, can I say this? This is controversial, but this will get the algorithm going. Get it cooking.

Never really got Pam Anderson. Well, I thought her face was not. Yasmin Bleith had a nice face. Well, she didn't age well. Kelly Kapowski. I just thought Candidson's face I wasn't into, and I'm not into huge tits. Sure. So I didn't really get it.

Granted, when she was at the height of Baywatch, I was like nine or whatever. Right. Yeah, that's hot. But I think with Pam Anderson, she was like a cartoon character of a lady. You know, big tits, big lips, blonde hair, you know, skinny. So I think that's what it was. It was just like, it's like fucking a blowup doll. Right.

It's not a person. It's like Anacol Smith or whatever. They're all just, it's kind of like The Rock is a cartoon of a guy. Right, right, right. She's that version. And so when you're 14, you're like, tits, blonde hair, you know, but you know what she's the hottest is LaBette Blue.

Oh, I don't know LaBette. I know Home Improvement with the shorts and the boots. Same Jenna, same generation. Yeah, Jenna Jameson. Yeah, also big-titted blonde. Like, to be like, Jennifer Anderson, Courtney Cox, early friends was so much hotter than Pam Anderson, to me. Sure.

Well, Pam had just oozed sex, whore, skank, puss. Right. Naughty talk. Now, don't get me wrong. I would have happily had sex to Pam Anderson then or now. Of course. Or any woman or man. Yeah, but I think it was just like, hey, this lady is down.

But the Labat blue balls, those years, was she was the hottest because she was normal looking. Did I get a look at that, Chuck? Yeah, that's what she. She got discovered at a football game, a Canadian football. Oh, she Canadian? I believe so. That's right. Yeah, she's a big Canuck.

I think she was very upset with Mr. Sasha Baron Cohen after Borat. What happened? I think they didn't tell her they were going to bag, put her. a bag on her head and like tackle her. That's what I read. Oh, I don't remember that scene. Why would you put a bag on her? Yeah, at the very end, because he goes to kidnap.

That's his whole mission is to meet Pam Anderson. That's right. And she's doing a book signing, and she was in on the joke, but I don't think they evidently explained to her, like, we're going to put a sack on your head and run through the thing or something. That's what I heard. The old Israeli shakedown. What about home improvement?

I brought that up. Yeah, yeah. Let me see. Yeah, same generation. That's what I said. Oh, that's pre. That is pre. That's what she got discovered.

Good, gravy. She must be 11 there. 9-11. That is crazy. Yeah. Holy shit. See, I met this is 89. Oh!

That's way before. Wait a minute. Is that legal? Does she give a hyman? Look at this. It's tool time because I'm, I got a ratchet in my bits. That's spectacular. Yeah, do a little math in case we have to cut this out.

Yeah. She's 11, 12 years old there. Right, right. Before 71. We're five. Wow. Somebody knows that old math like a calculator for Epstein's Island. We got a great show.

Amath is here. By the way, who had the great tweet, Kid Rock? That's what I call Epstein's Island. Oh, that's very good. I mean, come on. It was right there. That's good stuff. Yeah, what year was she born?

70? Say 70. 67. Hey! She's like 23 there. 67 Chevy. That's great. Heinz 67.

Anyways, so that's what they're talking about on the Stern. And here's what's so crazy about this Stern 9-11. Because I've consumed, I'm a 9-11 head. Oh, really? in the neighborhood. Oh, my God. I've read the whole commission. I'm in there. I've watched the Regis and Kathy Lee. I've watched every doc. The best one is on Hulu. It's a Nat Geo. It's called One Day in America. It's fucking crazy. By the way, 9-11 head is what I call a turban.

Folks. Hey, hey. Turban round bright eyes. Turban cowboy. That's good. Hey, put that down. That's better than anything you got. The turban cowboy. That's a sketch. Anyways, so the stern thing, I've never listened to it, it's quite a document because it's the only real-time fucking unwinding of the 9-11 day. And he's in the city.

Yes. And it's like regular guys. They're like, we got to bomb these fucking towelheads. Holy shit. And Robin, you got to hear it. She's like flatten this fucking every country, every brown country. They got to suck our dicks. We got to bomb these.

people, missiles up the ass, stop letting them in our country, shut down the country. I got to watch this. It's really crazy. It's all audio, but I didn't find the video. Maybe it exists somewhere. But I don't think they were doing like, it wasn't like the TV show version. I think there's probably some video, but whatever. Yeah.

But it's interesting to hear because normally what you hear is Peter Jennings, Regis Philbin, being like, oh, brother, this is really something. This is devastating. But this is like, holy shit. shit and he's taking calls. Wow. He's like, the cabby's on the roof. He's like, I'm on my roof right now.

I'm looking at it. And then all the misinformation's fascinating. They're like, there's a third plane hit. There's a bomb at the Capitol. And they're like, I guess it's not a bomb at the Capitol. And they're like, we're under attack. That's all there is to it. Wow.

It's a fascinating. And then they're still cracking jokes early on because they don't realize. And there's one guy, I never listened to Stern. So there's characters I don't know. But it's some guy named Vinny, and he's like, they're like, you can't leave the city. Everything's shut down. He's like, it means I can do the show tomorrow. And Stern's like, you're not doing the show tomorrow.

But the guy in the middle of it's like, hey, I guess I'm stuck here. That's great. I might as well be on the show. I can do it tomorrow. What a weasel. Well, he makes a joke and someone's like, stop making jokes. And someone else is like, well, he's got to, this is only episode of the show. He's got to try to.

And you could feel like, as a comedian being like, well, it's my one shot. I got to. Right, right. Let me throw some stuff out there. I can host. I can feature, whatever you need. I'll sell merch. But it's really fascinating.

And this is the other realization I had. I never listened to Stern. I listen to him now as interviews. Great interviews. But people are like, I'm listening to it being like, wow, we really just stole his thing. We did? It's like, well, just we, all the podcast. Oh, sure.

Well, that's his argument, too. It's like five guys being like, you wouldn't fuck her. I'd fuck her. I'd eat her pussy from behind. You fucking homo. And I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. This guy's doing us 25 years ago. O&A stole it first.

And then we stole from them. Yeah, but O&A and Stern hated each other. That was the big beef. And then Stern hated Ari. Yeah, well, Jew on Jew crime. I mean, Ari, one of my dear, dear friends, but... Easy to hate. What's he talking about?

I mean, it's just ridiculous. Like, the guy created a whole thing. Sure. We're all doing. And then Stern was out of touch on that, too. That's true. He sounded a little silly. He's like, go to broadcasting school.

And Ari's like, what? He's like talking to a microphone. Starting a small market and work your way up and all that stuff. So it was silly and podcasts are real, but it was also crazy that Ari was like, fuck him. he's an old idiot asshole and you're like, he's a legend. Okay, well, so is Lenny Roos and George Garland, but yeah, you know. Exactly.

We're kind of doing that. Also, Stern, maybe the first guy, and I could be wrong in this, but maybe the first guy to fuck with interns, the randos, the office people, he'd bring them in and be like, what do you think? It was radio. It was the biggest radio show, so some nerd would come in from Long Island who works in accounting

and he's like, oh, Mr. Stern, I just think the bills are going to win this year and they're like, ah, shut up. They throw a pie at him. And that was great radio. And he's doing four hours a day every day. Yes. Are we doing an hour a week? I'm like, I got nothing. I know.

I'm out of things to say. At five in the morning, by the way, and celebrities coming in, and then he'd bring a hooker in and be like, all right, let's get a Rob who delivers the sodas. He's packing the vending machine right now. Rob, get in here. You take a blowjob from this crack core, and he's like, you're goddamn right, I will. And you're just driving to work on,

wow, this is great TV. Well, I guess what helps is, sometimes I'm like, he does four hours, 20 hours a week. We're only doing an hour, but I'm like, they take calls, they have characters, they have other people, is a side person, and the bands come in, interviews, yeah. So that, that I think helps. It would be fun to have, like, eight people going and be like, let's go to Chuck. Then there was Fred, and there was Jackie. Jackie, then Artie later.

Artie, and then, you know, the Artie thing was crazy. Norm brought him in. It was like, I was a friend of mine. He's really funny. And then Howard Stern's like, I like this guy. Wow. You want to work here? It was just like that.

It changed his whole life. I've listened to some of those. That's the stern I've listened to is when they get in the big, this big, big blowout fights with Artie, and they get in a big crazy fight. And Artie's like on Coke, I think. Heroin. Heroin. Yeah, yeah, he's all fucked up.

He's nodding off. And they're like, look, he's nodding off. I mean, this is on radio. He was, you know, you see Tim Dillon has like a thing with Airbnb, and then he makes it a whole month-long content. Yeah. Stern started that. He's like, this guy's on heroin.

Let's fuck with him. Now we get the heroin segment. Right. You know, and you ever seen the Andrew Dice Clay already lying up? No. I've seen very little. I mean, I watched the TV show on E a little bit. That was condensed to a half hour.

Now, maybe you can help me with this. This is a genuine question. We'll get into some more story things. Sure. Everyone, is this just politics and people don't like change? Everyone's like Stern sold out. He sucks now. He's a fucking asshole.

Yeah, he did. But isn't he also like 75 years old and went to therapy and the Me Too movement happen? Because I listen to interviews. And to me, I'm like, this guy is just a tremendous interview? Is it because he doesn't talk about eating women out anymore or something? What is it exactly that people are so upset about? Or just that he hates Trump? Because he hated Bush in 2004.

I remember that. I don't think it's the Trump thing. But you got to realize his audience was a bunch of male, MOOC, Long Island, Jersey, bridge and tunnel. Like, that was his audience. And it was all sex. hookers, misogyny, dirty jokes, he's bringing homeless guys. He had a character called, like, Ed the Retard or something like that.

It's all just whack-pack lunatics. And then one day on a dime, he was like, this is misogynist, we can't talk like that, we've got to change our ways. And I think it's one of those things like the guy did blackface, the guy did N-word, the guy did everything. And then one day he's like, this kind of language is unacceptable, this is inappropriate.

So you cultivate this crazy. crazy army of nutty guys who like that kind of humor and then you go, this is inappropriate. Right, right. It's a little jarring. Yeah, I see. Howard Stern did like some really shitty stuff. That's true. Oh, yeah.

When he was like feuding with Man Cow, like he made Man Cow's dad's prostate cancer like a running bit on the show. Yeah, he would do shit like that. And he urged all his fans to go to the funeral and said the funeral when I saw. It's fucking insane. Yeah, yeah. It's a bad dude. Yeah, it's nuts. But see, all that stuff starts bubbling up with the internet,

and he's like, maybe I'll evolve. You know, so it feels like a, what do you call that, overcompensation. I see, I see. Well, the guy interviews, he's amazing. I mean, he says, in other words, he's still talented. 50 times an interview. That's his go-to. Really?

He says a thing, and he says, in other words, like when he asks a question. I never noticed that. It's at least 10 times. I would say every question. What? Because when you write a song, what are you thinking about? In other words, what are you saying? It's every single...

If someone, some autistic person, go listen to the last five interviews. Because I've probably only listened to... I've listened to, like, two Seinfeld interviews, a Pearl Jam interview and any veteran interview, both Springsteen interviews, a Paul McCartney, maybe two Paul McCartney's, maybe a couple norms, a Colin Quinn.

Right. And there's a bunch of... He says, in other words... In other words... In other words, like, his book should be called, in other words. I never noticed a million hours. I never noticed that.

Check it out. I will check it out. He would get stuff out of people. You know, he'd be like, who are you fucking? I heard you fuck the L. McPherson. They're like, what are you talking about?

But somehow he would, it would crack. He's very calming. I think it's because it was at 6 a.m. Everybody's a little wonky. You got the headset, which is a genius move in broadcasting because you're not like,

I'm on a show holding a mic. You're on a couch with a headset and it's dark. So you just kind of unload in there, not realizing 8 million people are listening to their commute to their shitty job. Right. And then he had a great Bill Murray interview. Nobody could crack Bill Murray.

He got him. He would get Seinfeld to be like, yeah, the 17-year-old, she had great dits. What do you want for me? You know, stuff like that. So he was the king. I mean, he went full quefy, but he's still a brilliant interviewer. So now he's down to one day live a week, which just started this week, like, then the last few days. Yeah, yeah.

And he still gets paid $8 trillion a second. Well, I think he's keeping all of us afloat because he keeps seriously. afloat, which gets all of our comedy albums. Hell yeah. Thank you, Howie. Thank you, Howard. Yeah. But I just never, when I was a boy, I wanted music, even in the morning. I never had a morning guy. I was like, give me the tunes. And now it's funny, because now it's hard for me to imagine, like,

listening to Alice and Chains at 9.30 in the morning. I know. I'm like, give me a podcast. But for most of my youth, I was like, I want to rock. I remember being like, I want to hear some asshole talking. Wow, I was the same way. What changed? Is music isn't stimulating? Because I'm the same. I used to go Pandora all day in my headphones. Well, now I like someone talking.

You know, now it's like, oh, this is comic. It's more, it makes sense. Because I think sometimes music, I'm like, I start bouncing to the music or whatever. I don't know. You just, I like a little dialogue. Yeah, I do too. I'm with you.

I used to be all, I would all go oldies. Big oldies guy. Love me tender. Love me blue or some fucking Sam cook. But yeah. Last thing I'll say about the Arty Lang, he gets dice on. so Dice was the biggest.

Artie Lang love, I mean, they all love Dice, Howard Stern, Artie Lang. Dice starts fizzling. And he goes, hey, who's this Artie Lang guy? He's funny on Stern, you want to open for me? Whoa. That had a sequel. That was two, yeah. So Dice, you can tell he's his wheels attorney, he's like, my tickets are dwindling.

Let me get this fat guy who's on the biggest show in the world to open for me. So I'll get all his audience. be able to have me on the show because I'm working with Artie. So Dice pays him horribly. So now the tables of turn where Artie realizes like, hey, I'm bigger than you now. And you never paid me. And he talks about it on the show.

He's like, Dice isn't paying me. This fucking cheap piece of shit. And then Dice calls in. He's like, how dare you? You know, the whole Dice thing. How dare you? I let you open for me. A legend.

You're a nobody over me. And then Artie flips. And he's like, I'm a nobody. You want me to open because you want my audience. I know what you're doing. becomes clean and Dice is like, I can't believe I'm being talked to you like this. It's fucking fascinating. The power structure, power...

Struggle? Struggle? Dynamic. The power dynamic. It flipped, Jerry. It flipped fatty. Once again, power dynamics. Thank you.

It's all pipes. Yeah, I remember I went out a little stirred rabbit hole with the Arty fight thing when he was getting kicked off the show or he got heroin, blah, blah, blah. So what years were that show was on? The 80s? And when did it go national? Late 90s? I think mid-90s to late to early Thal. Interesting.

Because I was watching it in high school on that e-show. Yeah, yeah. Starred in 82. Right. That was local radio. That was like Long Island. Yeah. I've seen private parts.

The Channel 9 show was 90 to 92. Okay. And Howard Stern on the air slash e-show, 94 to 2005. There we go. Right. That's the one that was like airing. And when was he, like, syndicated 6 to 10 a.m. at WBCN and then everywhere. That was... WNBC.

I'll look at when was Howard Stern syndicated. Yeah. It doesn't matter, I guess. We could do this another time. But you could jerk off to that e-show. I mean, he had strippers on, hookers on, all kinds of. The Houston 500, this woman banged 500 guys that they just found in Brooklyn and Manhattan and Long Island. It's insane. For some reason, when I was young, I just thought Stern was, like, weird and off-putting. He did the fart man.

I remember being like, what is this? Oh, yeah, that was gross. I was like, I hate this. I like how us are talking about these fart guys. It's, uh, it's, it's lowbrow. It was just bare ass. It was like his dipply bare ass. It was like a weird superhero thing.

And I didn't really get it. And he's like, I'm the king. And then he was in a dress in the book. And I was like, what is this? What is this guy? King of all media, too. It's like, all media? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. What are we talking here? Classical music? Well, I guess he wrote the book and radio. I don't know. I just didn't know. I guess that's three. TV, radio, movie.

All right, all right. Yeah, I didn't have any stern people in my life. I figured East Coast was all stern all day because I was watching down in old Louisiana. Right. I went putting it on TV, whatever, but then radio, yeah, I listened to... I actually didn't have, like, radio in the morning because I was a boy. Like, I would just go to school, like... Sure.

I guess we had sports radio on, W-E-I. Okay, okay. But... You see the video that went viral of the guy doing... A mockery of baseball radio? No. Oh, I got to send you this.

It's a guy in his car is going, wow! Now on the third, 14th floor line. But it's just noises. It's not actual words. And it sounds... You've got to pull that up for him, Chuck, if you can find that.

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I love Robert. Comedy. But all right, we've got to get into the show here. Let's talk. Let's talk. Well, you know, it's interesting. You know, it's a story. Oh, well, oh, so this leads to a story.

Oh, okay, great. Sort of. So I was listening to the 9-11 Sturr. Yes. The Deep dive, 25th anniversary, and I live at 9-11 right now. Oh, you're in Ground Zero. So I'm listening to the Sturrne. It's like a two-and-a-half-hour thing.

I'm listening to him. He went long, he stopped doing commercials. He just stayed on the air. So I'm listening to it. So I'm like, I'll walk around the World Trade Center and listen to it. So I'm there. So they're talking. It's fascinating to be there with the headphones and the, what they called again?

AirPod? No, the other thing. The sponsor. Raycon. Yeah, they are up there on the shelf. I got the Raycon. That's a lot of dust. I got the Raycons in.

I got the Raycons in. I'm listening to The Sturt, and I'm standing there. They're like, look at this. It's falling. It's crumbling. And I'm standing in the spot. Yeah. So, you know, and I'm getting, you know, gay and emotional.

And imagine this. Imagine that. There's a guy. You know these guys? I think they come from this area. They just sell boxes of fruit snacks. Yes, yes. And they're like, fruit snacks.

and they get in your shit. Sure. So this guy doing that in the world trade. So I'm annoyed because this is a sacred area. Yes. For God's sakes. People, 3,000 people perished here at a fire. Yeah, sacred cow.

Firemen, cops, the whole thing. The butler. So the guy's doing it. And I'm listening. I'm getting emo. I'm gay. And this is, you know, I'm an American. For God's sakes.

You got that right, Faddy. Bald Eagles, gay sex, sports. I love America. Yeah. And the guy says walking to me. So I gave him one of these. I just did like a, hey, man, all set. Not today.

Hey, Johnson. And I got Howard Stern 25 years ago here. And the guy goes, you fucking nuts? What your fucking hand out of my face? Oh, motherfucker. Mama, domestic terrorist.

You know what I did? I just ignored, like a fly. I just, I looked and went like this, and I walked over to the praying fountain or whatever you call it. Mantis. Yeah, the praying mantis. And sat there, and I was like,

I'm not giving this guy the time of day, but there's also the same moment. I'm like, is he coming? Yeah. I'm kind of like doing this thing. But it was It was scary But also I'm like

I thought I was doing like It wasn't like I was here He was like where Chuck is And I was doing this Oh that's nothing What are you? Darth Vader Well I was just one of those things

Of like I'm not a tourist I know what I'm not interested I don't want a fruit snack I don't want to have a conversation About fruit snacks I like it

I thought it was like I'm setting boundaries I'm setting boundaries But also I thought it was like Saving him time Ah I don't even bother

I'm not interested And this guy took it like, fuck you, motherfucker, you fucking money. What are you nuts? Yeah. And I was like, my hands not in your face. It's over here. Iron man.

But also, you wish, I wish I was like one of these black belt fucking guys. I know. You'd love to be black. Well, I could, like, sweep the leg and, like, crank his arm. I'd think about all the time. Because you're like, get out of. Go to Times Square. Yes.

Go to Union Square. Yes. Go to hell. I don't know. Go anywhere. Yeah. This is 9-11. Right.

Oh, this is payback for last week, baby. That was something else. That was, I could melt steel on a skyscraper. But anyhow. No juice of my asshole. I could feel him being like, fuck you. And I was like, what if I just get beat up at Ground Zero? Oh, man.

Take your fruit snacks elsewhere. I'm trying to listen to Howard Sturred and having a moment over here. Yeah, also sell little planes or something. You know, like, what are we doing with fruit snacks? I'm an adult. It's 9-11. I didn't care for his vibe or energy. Go to 7-Eleven with that shit.

Yeah. That's who I did 9-11. 7-Eleven. Maybe that's some of a joke there. They work at 7-Eleven. I guess that's Indian people. Yeah, it's a different breed. Hoof.

Maybe a 7-Eleven guy drives a 9-11. Hey. You know, he's doing well with the stores. Yeah. But then, you know, 9-11, very confusing for a car. That when 9-11 happened, the Porsche company must have been like, God, this is going to hurt. It's like when OJ killed his wife

and the orange juice company's like, whoo, this is bad. But Bronco sales went through the roof. Okay. Everybody's like, get me a Bronco. What about Corona? Coronavirus. Corona beer is like, ah, you kid me? You couldn't be called Modello?

Well, the problem was it was only Corona for like 15 minutes. COVID. We called it Corona for like a week and a half. Yeah. And I can remember people saying COVID-19 and being like, COVID-19. What are you an asshole? It's Corona.

Right. And then within like four. days, it was like, why he's in Corona? It's COVID-19. Then it was, it's Omnicron, you homo? Like, yeah, I got to get some new friends. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. That's the one I had. Omnacron, and there was another one after that. I think it was SARS, I don't know. I can't remember. Anthrax. Yeah. I could talk about 9-11 for six months straight. I didn't know you were a 9-11 junkie. This is all news to be. I'm on 9-11. I think deep in my heart of my asshole, I moved down there to be right in there.

Well, now every video I watch, I'm like, there's Karen's building, there's my building, there's my mall, there's this. Wow, yeah. It's crazy. Well, we really regrouped. I mean, we got the tower. It took a while, but we got the tower. We got the fountain, that big pool. That pool is unbelievable.

It's crazy. I saw a video of the janitor cleaning it. He's like this fat guy from Staten Island. He's like, it's an honor. I come here at 8 p.m. And I clean till 5 a.m. I find crazy shit down here. I love New York City.

I'm happy to clean the pool. Fuck you, terrorists. You know, it's a cool video. That's great. And then they got the fountain. They got the tower. And then they got the labia, the space station down there. The Oculus.

The Oculus. And the museum. And the museum. And the Bush women. And, yeah. Have you been up there whether you can overlook the city? And it shows the history of the world trade in the elevator? Which one?

In the Oculus? No, in the new one. The freedom. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been up there a couple. We've gone up a few because it's just there. So when I have a visitor, I just pop right up there. That's good.

It's pretty great. And my favorite building of all time, I love that building. Oh, really? Yeah, it's beautiful. It's a hell of a building. And I think it's taller than the other ones. Yeah, it's 1,776 feet tall. How do you like that, huh?

That's pretty good. The Year of Our Lord. But, uh, oh, what was I going to say? And then recently I was in Portland, Maine, and the hotel where the terrorists stayed the night before is, like, right there, it's like, dishevelled now or dismissed or dead. What? They were in Portland.

And they took the, the Scotia Prince, which I took, like, the name. next year on a trip. Wait a minute, wait. So they started, I never do that. They started in Portland, a couple of them. Mohamed Atta, was in Portland, flew to Boston for a layover. Did a layover, then got on a flight to... To L.A.

Whoa. Hooked it out of JFK? Hooked it right over to Logan. A Logan. Just did a... Wow. And Betty Ong was the Chinese lady. She was the first one to make the call.

That was like the very first thing of like, I am Betty Ong. They stabbed. my buddy and they threw Mace and then if you listen to the call, the lady on the other end's like, what is this? Oh my God. Who's got Mace? Oh.

Some Bimbo got stad. I don't know what the fuck. And she must feel like such an asshole. Yes, yes. The on goodbye. Because the whole time she's like, I don't know what you're talking about, tuts. Shut up. Yeah, later on they'll like, oh, that was crazy. The Ong show. And then do you ever watch the fireman?

There was a guy shooting a doc about like a battalion leader. No. It's crazy. This guy is like, you've seen it. It's the only footage of the first tower going. I have seen that. And it's like, they're a gas leak and they're checking the gas thing. It's like, when you see the firemen do this, and it's like,

and everybody thought that was just a mistake. Like a guy who was a bad pilot, a lady or something. And it's fascinating eyewitness testimony because people, it's why eyewitness isn't reliable in real life. Because people were like, it was a small plane. It wasn't a big jet. Yep. But it was. Everyone's just like, I don't know.

It was an airplane. Right. It happens. What are you going to do? Anyways, now I'm off on a big rabbit hole. Oh, that was good stuff, Faddy, because you did the research, so I'm all ears. Research. And queer. And now, 25 years later, we all still hate extremist terrorists.

Go birds. There you go. But anyway, what have you been at? What's going on? Tell me about some things. I just got a call for my mom, Donnie. All right. So, yeah, boy, I've been all over.

Just did Canada. I had to fly on 9-11, and I was glad I was in the Canadian airfield, because it's a little safer up there. Canadian geese. Yeah, they took down a plane, didn't they? Sully Sullenberger? Those fucking geese. Yeah, yeah.

Jesus Christ, those geese are terrorists, I guess. Oh, yeah. Well, he's thwarted. I love the word thwarted. Thwarted is good. It's like farted from the Middle Ages. It's like a Lisp. Yes, Joe Lisp.

So. You're using that? I did Regina. You ever been to Regina? No, it's not Regina? Uh-oh. They would say it wrong. I was like, good to be here, Regina.

Then somebody threw a banana feel at me. So maybe you got something there. No, where's Regina? Is that Saskatchewan? That's it. You nailed it. It's right outside of Saskatoon. All funny names out there.

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Regina. I said, here we are right in the clit. And they're like, we've heard every joke. Don't even try it. You hack, bitch. Regina, Rousie. I don't know. did that one too.

Sounded Asian. They didn't like any of it. But we had a great time. Casino, two shows, nine-hour travel day. You ever do that one? Because you gain two hours over there. That's how far east or west.

Right. Far west it is. It's right over Idaho. Idaho. Udaho. So right over Idaho, you gain two hours. Two flights, customs, the whole thing. You finally get there, and you're like, ugh.

You know what I do now? I text the wife when I land. because I go, I left the house at 9 a.m. I said, bye to the baby. I kissed her. I punched the nanny in the face, and you hightail it to the JFK. And the sun's just open it up.

I got crushed in your eye. You finally get there nine hours later. And I go, just landed. And she went, Jesus. We have the same exchange every time. You go, yeah, that's what I'm doing, lady. I'm doing the road. Yeah, I have the same thing every time.

Because when your whole, once someone leaves, They're out of your mental peripheral. Your penis is clean. So then you go, well, I went, she went, she biked, she made breakfast, she ate, she fucked the kid in the ass,

she went to the gym, she came back, she jerked off, flicked her bean, watched a movie, saw a friend, called her mother, and then you're like, I'm at my layover, and they're like, what? Then they went for a swim, they flick their bean again, they tried on shoes, they bought a top, they wore a blouse, and then

you're like, all right, I landed, like, what? See, you get it, Fannie. And then... Oh, man, I got a full saga down here. My Wausauaga Genesis. My wife, my wife, she doesn't understand time zone. She has no concept. So she'll be like, she'll literally text me like, how was the show?

And I'm like, it's 430. I'm like, what are you talking about? I haven't landed yet. Exactly. And then she's like, all right, good night. How are both shows? I'm like, I did one show. I have my second show is in two hours, you coos?

I know. It's ridiculous, but you like to stick it to them. Like, hey, while you're out there eating a lady out, I am just getting to the airport in Saskatchewan. Now I have to get a car to the gig, check into the hotel, and then do two shows. So all that, and then do two hours of comedy with a meet and green. It wears on me, Jerry. Just because I'm on the road every week for like seven weeks or something like that. The rental car thing, you're like, it's so hard.

I always say this. You should have a hat or a pair of glasses or a tattoo or an earring that says, I've rented 55 cars in the last three hours. Yes. So what brings you to town? My father's an asshole and I got to punch his asshole loose. My father's gay. You want insurance?

No, I haven't sure. What kind of insurance? Geico insured. You're sure you don't want the insurance? You're going to fill it up? You got collision? You want to give our gas? Then he pulls out a big chart with a flap on it.

He's like, this is what our gas is going for these days. And I'm like, no flap. Flap you. Yes. And what's funny about it is I refuse to not say I'll bring it back full because they fuck you otherwise. I do the same thing. Because you never use the whole tank. Never.

Unless you push it in empty. They're fucking you. But I also, the morning, I never want to go get gas. So I always go, I forgot to fill it. And they just charge the air to $20. But sometimes I can be quite charming. And half the times they're like, ah, don't worry about it. Because especially when you have the kid.

Because you have the kid, you go, hey, I know, I was supposed. to full it, but the kid was crying. His asshole fell out of his hat, and my sister's ass has got cream on it, and I'm crying, and then they're like, don't worry about it. And you go, okay, thank you. Because these big corporations. Yes, big gas

chamber. They don't care. It's fucking $12 or whatever. I know. It's not like I'm not driving from Mississippi to Montana. I'm driving from the club and back, Chipotle, and to Starbucks. Exactly. So fuck it.

Two shows. Regina. And then you go to bed and you're like, ah, then I'm going to wake up, take a WestJet flight to Calgary. West Chet's not bad. West Chet's pretty good. That's their best. Air Canada can eat my dad's ass on a Friday. That place stinks.

I think West Jets's a Delta cousin or something like that. Yeah. The Delta adjacent. There's some incest going on, either way. But you get on that West Jet and you got the status. So they go, oh, you're a Delta quiff. Boop, boop, poop. Okay, we got you in 38.

A. We got you up from 39A. So thank you. So whatever. Get to Calgary. Do the comedy shop. Oh, yeah. Is that it? You were just there. The laugh shop. Laf shop. Sorry. You did the laugh shop? Yeah. I did five shows of Laf shop. Because I'm like, I'm in Calgary for two days. I got to get to Winnipeg on Sunday. Let's fill it up in Calgary. Laf shop is nice. That's the place I rented. I went. And I was like, I'm not going to rent a car. I'm going to save money. I spent four hours in that hotel. And I was like, get me a car. Yeah, yeah. Blackfoot.

Blackfoot. Blackfoot. Yeah, the hotel's named after some native Canadian. It's Blackfeet, motherfucker. Blackfoot's frostbite where I come from. Or Patrice O'Neill, what he lost. Of the Chappelle bit. Calm down, blackface.

It's blackfeet, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. The spirit's got me, chief. I am an alcoholic. Yeah, great bit. He's good. He used to be pretty good. Yep.

So Duke, Calgary, have a great time. We've got a video guy in there. Great. We have a guest said. He killed it. A fun time. Great club. Then, Hightail it to Winnipeg. Winnipeg-I. I love getting pegged, man. This is a great comedy town. They got rumors. I'll be the rumors sometime March, February.

Good room. The only problem with rumors is I was doing it back when you know, you couldn't sell tickets. They'd pay for the room. You show up on Thursday. Oh, long flight. What do we got, boss? How many tickets we sold out? He goes, sold out. You go, sold out? Me? Bois. I'm not a draw. And he goes, yeah. We've got the battered women's group coming in. It's all battered women out there. And you're like, what? That's half my act is hitting women.

We got a great show. The battered women are here. No, I mean, we love Tyler. I'm going there in a few months or weeks or days. I have no idea. Good room. There was something I was going to say about Winnipeg. I lost it.

Neil Young's from there. Is that jars anything? Norm McDonald loved Winnipeg, Canada. Beautiful women with ugly men. That's what I always take from Winnipeg. Fuck me. What do you say when you see things? There's no green room.

B.J. Novak had the great joke. Battered women. Sounds delicious. That's like a four or five word joke. That's great. That was sitting right there. Battered. Yes, that's very good.

Beer battered. You wonder how these guys get to the top. I know. He had a couple of that Novak. Fuck. What was I going to say? Kim Novak had some big breasts. Winnipeg, Tyler.

Peg me. I'll think of it later. Simon Peg. It's one of those Tuesday. It used to be like Tuesday through Sunday. Oh, I remember it. It wasn't even worth saying. The first club, I say this every time Winnipeg comes up.

First club, now it's spreading like a brush fire. First club with the digital clock ticking up in the back of the room. Oh, finally. Which is such an omission. Every club. We know you can hear us. We know you listen. Get a digital clock.

It starts at zero when the comic gets up. there. If they go over, they're a fucking asshole. Yeah, now it's shaming them in real time. And don't get the shitty clock that has the time of day. No. I'm like, okay, 823 plus 50 is 9-0. Fuck me. Yeah, don't get the radio alarm clock. Yes. With the dial. And don't put it at the feet and don't put it up here. Put it right back there. Right back there. Clock up, count up. Yeah, I'm with you on that one. It's, what is it? $18? You buy it once you have for 30 years. Exactly. Mothership has it,

Madison has it, a bunch of clubs have it now, you gotta have it. You gotta have it. Big black clock. Mohegan's son, that club, comics, they have it and then still give you the light. I'm like, well, I don't need the light. It's in the time, the light's like here. It's like, it's like, one of those ones where it's like,

the whole room lights up. I can see, I'm at 40. It's like those lights in the jail when a guy escapes and he's like, you know, he gets caught in the spotlight. Like the band of the run cover. Yes. Oh, that was a little, A little aftershock.

All right, so tell me about Winnie Peg. So I did the casino, Regent Club. Club Regent, sorry. Club Regent Philvin. And great club. Now, here's the weird thing they do out in the old Great White Way. They go, we got this guy here. He's going to set the show up, do some housekeeping, and then we got your opener.

And I'm like, well, what's he doing? He's going to do a minute. He's just going to go up and go turn your phones off. And I'm like, you got a guy out here. He's got a green room with his name on it. He drove here. He's got family kids. He has an act.

But you have him out here just to do the housekeeping? Yeah. Hey, why can't the feature just do that? Now you're paying this guy. Or I'm paying him. Somebody's paying him. But he came here. He parked his car.

He used gasoline to go, all right, guys, don't heckle. Phones aren't allowed. Next week we got Chris Katan and Stormy Daniels or whatever. And you're like, I just told the guy, like, this is pointless. He's going to do some time. And they're like, wow. You break protocol. They're all confused.

I'm like, if he's here, he's doing time. And they're like, well, we have an opener for you. I'm like, but why? So the opener does 20. He does a minute. Now we got a guy doing a minute and 20? Yeah, one of these guys can do the other guy's job. Exactly.

This guy can do the announcements in the 20. The 20 guy can do the announcements in the 20. Exactly. So now they're confused. They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we got the itinerary here. This is how we like to do it. And I'm like, I don't want to, now I'm a diva. Now I'm difficult.

Because I just feel too bad. guy, he's a comedian. Let him be a comedian. Right. You know, my dad can go up and go, hey, don't heckle, we'll throw you out, you know, whatever. I'm not so sure about that. That's true. He's old. Yeah, that's a good point. He's indigent. So

I'm like, he's doing time. They're like, well, it's going to have to come off of you or the feature. And I said, well, it's coming off the feature. And so the feature maybe was miffed, but the guy went up and did some time and he was thrilled. Oh, that's great. He gave me a nice link. Thanks for that. Jesus Christ. I don't know what I'm doing here. So he took a bunch of gay photos after. I had the hat on.

By the way, the heckles I'm getting with his hat. You know, just like, nice hair, bitch. Who does your hair? Plug a plug, a butt plug. Plug it up. You know, plug it for the man. Whatever it is. Plug the drain.

40 degrees of the starboard side. It's a Spanish galleon. Don't come back to that. It's all hair plugs. It's all pipes. It's all plugs. Whatever. I'm getting all kinds of stuff, which is fun.

You know, at one point in Calgary, they did a chant, take off the hat. Take off the hat. I was not taking the hat off. It looks too bad. And that just made it worse. And I think a guy snatched my hat on the way off stage, whatever. But...

Hat snatches here. Sorry. Let me just write something down. Oh, so then I flew home. Here's the clinker. Clink me. And an Air Canada flight out of Winnipeg, connecting in Detroit, going to LaGuardia. 8.30 flight.

I said, all right, after all that, when do I get home? 3.30. Damn. It's a long travel day, because you lose it. You lose an hour, too. West East sucks. And I go, yeah, I hear Canada. So I go, hey, hey, manager, pull up some rods and cones here.

See if there's another flight earlier. I'll get home earlier. I'll just get the fuck out. And he goes, there's a Delta flight. All your friends are two-fers. It's two for Tuesday. I keep thinking it's over and then more comes out. That sounds like the beginning of Beastie Boy.

Ass monkey. Yeah. ass monkey So I go Tell me it He goes I found a Delta flight

Your Air Cana flight was 400 This Delta flight's 900 You leave at 630 in the morning You get home at 1 And I was like Oh It's an early flight

You're losing sleep You're losing money You're getting home a little earlier Yeah And customs So you got to get there Really early It's an international flight

So I was like Ah That means I got to be there Like 5 Get up at 4 Leave at 430 Whatever and it's more money.

And I go, ah, who am I? What am I? Joe Coy? Who am I fluffy? I can't be spending double the price. All right, fuck it.

Just do me very. Keep an eye on it. Maybe it'll drop over the next few days because it's Friday at this point. So it goes, all right, I'll keep an eye on it. So Saturday I check it. How's that flight looking? He goes, same price.

Then eventually I go, how's that flight looking later the day? Same price. And eventually my manager just calls me and goes, hey, take the Delta flight. you can afford it. You're an adult. You'll get home earlier.

It's going to suck to wake up. You'll get home earlier. And it's Delta. You'll get the lounge. You'll get bumped up probably. And I go, yeah, but I'm spending double the price. He goes, I'll get a refund from Air Canada. Just be a grown-up and get the Delta flight.

You're an adult. Yeah. There you go. That's a stretch. I liked it. And I go, all right. You know what, fuck it. You're right.

Get my ass up. 4.30 in the morning. Meh, ma'am. Make it to the airport. get right through, get a notification. Air Canada, canceled. Little life lesson for you, kids. I don't know what the lesson is, but

I made a decision, I spent the money, and it paid off. It was a good decision. I see. The other flight got canceled. You would have been fucked. Exactly. And you wouldn't end up on that flight anyway, but you would have missed it because it was too early. Exactly.

You had to take a more expensive later flight. Ah, you're getting it, Teddy. Take the chance. Go away. for it. I went for it. I got home early. Woo! He took a little nappy poo on the plane, took a Zanax, and conked out, had a middle seat.

Also, how do you feel about this one? Going through security, do the bag, the bag, the bag, you know, a belt off, a hat off, you know, whatever, the whole thing. You do the X-ray. You do the thing when you get to the other side, your shoes are off, your hair's fucked up, you hate yourself, and you're waiting there for your bag with everybody like an idiot. And then your bag gets that red light.

And you go, uh-oh. And you're just praying to God. Like, just keep it coming. Don't flop over to that other side. Yes. You hate the flop over. It's so stressful. I got flopped over.

So you're like, God damn it. All right, all right. Okay, okay. Well, I got 10 minutes to spare. How long is this going to take? And then you look, there's six bags ahead of you. And then you go down to the lady, and she's ruffling through some other bag. And there's just one lady.

So you're like, oh, boy. Now there's two TVs where they look. through your bag. You know, they got that x-ray bullshit. There's a glitch on one of the extra. So there's four people looking at this one TV trying to figure it out, and then there's one lady working. So the clock's ticking. So I just go up and I go,

I notice we've got four people on this TV. They got six bags logged up there and clock's ticking. Right. And they're like, sir, sir, we're doing something here. And I'm like, do we need one guy just in the back going like this? You know, he can't even see the TV. So

eventually I'm like, hey, I'm probably I'm going to miss my flight here. Just say if you want it. And it's early, so you're cranky. And you're like, it's my bag. I brought this bag. There's nothing in the bag. Fuck off.

So then, finally, they get to my bag, after they do all five of them before mine, they get to my bag, and I go, what is it? What is it? I fly all the time. What snagged you? And she goes, just take it. All that for nothing. It's all because one dick-smooching asshole.

9-11. He's the new guy, and he sees a pair of chapstick. or a fingernail asshole. Peg. It goes, oh, we got to get this. I mean, I told you, I had one where the guy's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Flame lighter, whatever it's called. Lighter.

And I was like, oh, yeah, he's like, you can't have this. And you're like, just so you know, I have not touched that lighter in three years. Exactly. It has lived in this suitcase. Yes. A secret pouch I didn't even know about. And I have flown 375,000 miles. So you take it, but don't give me.

me some... Excuse me, sir. Where do you think you're going with this? I'm like, that thing is from the Johnson administration. Sing it, sister. I'm like... So you fucked up. All the TSA fucked up until now, apparently.

4,000 people let that lighter go. Exectabundo. One of the most attractive people I've ever seen in my life just walked by. It was really stunning. Rupert. No. Okay. You still see them. That's true. My water would be rippling.

Well, I'm glad you made it home and... You made it. But yeah, it was a long... long journey. I'm the FaceTime dad on those weekends. I just miss the boys so much. And then it's funny because I'm like, my boy, I'm looking at photos of him like, ah, he's growing up.

I'm away. I'm a distant father. I think you text the wife. She's like, I'm about to kill this kid. He's driving me crazy. So it's these two complete 180s. Then she finally got some time, so she were FaceTime. He's in the tub. He's swimming in the tub. He's playing with the toys. She's right, George. Tub is big.

Tub is big. And big is tub. A biggest tub A tub. Maybe if someone called a guy Tubb of shit Oh yeah

That was big When we were kids Tub was big Tub was big Tubb Tubb Tubb He's a tubber

Yeah Tubby Tub is out now Tubber where Tub is out Yeah tub is I guess it's not as much fat

shaming now Well there is In our circles I'll tell you You got that Right A lot of circles Around us

Well how about this Let me tell you This quick Please It's not that quick I don't know It's relatively quick Sorry hogged

No hogged So I'm in Wildhugs Royal Oak Oh, good club. Mark Ridley's. Mark Ridley, credited with inventing the three-person show, the three-men show. I've heard that.

Shout out Mark Ridley, who I've never met, ever. Isn't it weird? I've worked for this man for 20 years. We have a text relationship. He books me every year. They pay me well. I'm so grateful. Never seen him in my life.

Wow. Isn't that weird? I've met him once. I never seen him. Sweet guy. That's what everyone says. So anyways, do the club. Royal Oak, Michigan.

You go out there, and it's like, again, like the 15th year in a row in the same small town. same hotel, same everything. You go out there, it's a great show, and the Tigers are playing. Tigers, Colorado Rockies, Saturday. And I go, hey, well, check out the game. That'd be fun. Something to do on the road. But it didn't hurt tickets?

No, no. This is bad, but they suck. Tigers suck. Okay. Tigers suck. Bears, oh, my. Nobody care. And they play fucking 81 home games in September.

No big deal. They're great. So I go, well, go check out the Tigers game. And you have that thing. I don't know if you have this with your openers on the road. You're like Saturday. You wake up. You're like, we could go to the movies.

Yep. Or we go to the baseball game. Well, you got to go game. Or we could go there. Or you could work out. Or we could just have, you have that thing. You're like, well, it's nice out, the ballpark, boob, decide to go to the ballpark.

Go to stub up. One of my favorite things to do is to go through every seat. Where do I want to sit? Up top, down low. Save a few bucks. Isle. Outfield. Get your foul ball.

Maybe we'll sit behind home plate. Maybe we'll get the press box. So I pick out two days. And I'm going back and forth. I keep looking. I can never make a decision. I'm like, oh, maybe this seat, maybe that seat. Maybe the price will go down.

Similar to the flight. Then you're like, third base? First base. Yeah. Do you want to be behind the Tigers dugout or the Rockies dug out? Is anyone good in the Rockies? Who's pitching this game? Should we get some tobacco?

Should we get some bubble gum? Why, we get an $8 seat? We'll just sit up way at the top. That might be fun. Maybe a hot dog. I can say the N-word. Cracker Jack. So finally, I pull the trigger and I keep going back home for the three days.

I'm like, all right, I'll get these seats. Nice seats. They're about $60 each. But they're like 12th, behind home plate. Because in New York, if you want to sit 12 rows behind home plate, you've got to know Samarreal or you've got to pay $4,000. You've got to talk to Steinbrunner. But over there, for 80 bucks, you can pitch. So I get two tickets. And then with all the fees and the bullshit, it comes to like 140 bucks. You're like, Jesus Christ, that was more than I wanted

to spend. But whatever. Life's a bitch. We got the tickets. I'm like, I'll shoot some content. You know, the people love the sports content. I'm at the game. Look at this. Hot dog, Cracker Jack. Matt's blowing me. Thanks for getting tickets of the game. This is great. Good headliner. Go up there and here we go, buddy. Baseball time. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-boop. What the fuck?

Oh, no, you got rooked. Scan it again. Boop. I go, what? Don't worry. I come all the time. Don't worry. And meanwhile, I was just shooting videos.

You look like an asshole because I'm like, we're live at the Tigers baseball game. Sure. Buy me some anal and cracker dildo. And everyone's like, who is this guy? My kids are here. And then I'm like, here we go. It's all pipes. So the guy's like old-timer.

He's worked this since the 70s. He's got a bow tie and that, you know, remember those hats that look like a little cake? Yes, yes, a cake hat. They're like running for office. He's got one of those hats on. He's like, sorry, sir, tickets are no good. And I was like, oh, they're good. Yeah.

I sold over a thousand tickets this weekend, my friend. I know tickets. I'm a stub hub guy. I'm a class member. Why you go ahead and scan that again? You got stubble. Boop all. Boop.

Well, man. This has never happened to me. He goes, let me see here. What seems to be the problem? It says right here, Sunday, September 13th. You got Sunday tickets there, pal. Oh, I go, what? You pulled to me.

I bought Sunday tickets. Oh, no. I go, you got to be cocking me. I'm like, how did this happen? I didn't buy Sunday tickets because I went to the Saturday. I've been looking at the Saturday, and I keep going back to recently viewed. Yeah. So it says recently viewed.

I go, that's me. Saturday, Saturday. Now, I'm only here Saturday. Why would I look at Sunday? Right. So now I go, what the fuck? We're already here. I started my content.

Now people are walking by. I look at, there's the guy with the potty mouth. You can't get in. He's a piece of shit. You're never going to mount you anything, you're sunny boy. You talk like that. Right, right. Clean it with a bar of soap.

But also, this is a good content. Not getting in. It's funnier than getting in. Maybe you're right. So I'm sitting there with a hard on. I go, all right. Well, let's go back. Oh, this is appalling.

That was a balloon popper. It was a water balloon. That felt like you can't do that on television when they'd drop the bucket full of the shit? Well, I've got, my thighs are full of slime. So I go back to Stubhub, and I'm like, all right, well, we got to go to the game. I guess I'll just buy ticket, and then maybe I can unload the Sunday tickets on one of the comics or audience. I don't know what the fuck, but now we're standing here.

So I go back, I found great, even better seats. So I'm like, well, we'll get these seats. I buy these. Now I'm like $250 into this game. And we're going to leave in the fourth inning because we've got to get back for the shows. And I don't get this shit. Oh, boy. So you buy the tickets.

And this is where it's nice to be pretty successful. Because in the old days, I just have to be like, I fucked up. We can't go to the game. We're going home. Yeah, I'm just going to, this sucks. So you buy the tickets. We go to the game. Games fun.

Great seats, whatever. You know, watch the game, make some videos, some beautiful stuff. I go home. I go back to the show that night to the club. I started telling people, I'm like, hey, I got two tickets for tomorrow if anyone wants. So, well, maybe I'll take my knee. Maybe my aunt can fuck me in the ass. And I go, yeah, I bought tickets the wrong day.

I don't know how this happened. I'm a ticket guy. I never really make mistakes like this. I'm embarrassed. I want to kill myself. So I go look. I'm like, how did this happen? Let me go look at the seat.

The guy's like, where's the seats and how much do you want for him? So I go look at the seats. I go to the receipt email. Saturday. I bought Saturday tickets. The ticket owner, he sent me the wrong day's tickets. I didn't fuck up. He fucked up.

Whoa. So it's the guy, they all have season tickets. So when they buy season tickets, they go to the games they want, and then they sell the rest. Right. So I bought tickets to the Saturday. This cheesehead, he sent me Sunday tickets. So I didn't look once they sent that said, your tickets have arrived. So I opened those tickets, I scan them.

But now I've been alleviated. I've been, what's that word? Re-reparbanded. Rehabilitated. What's the thing with a verdict and they re-assigned? Yeah. Fuck in a cross-examination. Yes, come on, Choochoo.

Adjudicated. Is that something? What do you call me in Jew for? Adjudicated? Abundanced. No, no. Reimbursed. I've seen the light.

What's that? Oh. When you go to jail? They reversed the sentencing. Yes, yes. Praise the Lord. Adjudicated. You're close.

Oh, no, it's emancipated? No, O.J. He got. Acquitted. Acquitted. Acquitted. I've been acquitted. I think that's maybe it.

I don't even know if that's right. I don't know if that's right either. I don't think that's it. That's not a reversal. Yeah, that's not it. Get me a goog, will you? That's not it. Jocles?

You're the most fascinating thing about, I've talked about this many times. OJ's another one I'm just obsessed with. It's so crazy. I read the run of his life, great book by the guy that jerked off on the TV screen, whatever. Jeffrey Tubman.

Ah, Tudin. When you get acquitted, you've been in prison the whole time or jail. there's no paperwork or rent-in. You just leave. Isn't that crazy? He cut two people's heads off. He sat on trial for a year and a half,

goes back to jail, can't talk about the thing, has his lawyers, and then they go, all right, we made a mistake, you're innocent, and you just go, okay, you just leave like everybody else. You just walk right out of there. You just go see you later. No apology? That should hand you like a gift card or something. Yeah, you don't have to go back to jail and go,

oh, sorry about that, or un-stamp your hands. Yeah, it happens with the guys who go to jail for a murder, and then they go, oh, we were wrong. You're out. And you're like, I wasted 10 years. You got it? I didn't hear any of that because I thought of the word. Oh, sorry. Vindicated.

That's it. I'm vindicated. I didn't fuck up. Did you think of it? Vindicated. What do you have over there? Some bullshit? Well, you told me when they reversed the thing, which is not vindicated.

Oh. You know what I mean? But vindicated means you've been proven right. You're proven right. So what's yours? It just says reversal of a, you know, I've been reversed. I will say when people go to jail. and they're wrong.

They usually sue. Good. It's very typical to sue. You lost years. I just watched a documentary and this woman went to jail for four years. And they just said she was guilty and it was all like bullshit.

There you go. A story, a great story. Isn't that amazing? A killer story. Isn't it amazing? It's amazing, but it's one episode at a time. It's old school. Now I'm just sitting on my dick like an asshole.

But that's got to be all there now. No, no. It's once a week. It comes out tomorrow. Oh, it's new. Yeah, brand new. Oh, a boy named. I can't wait. Great tease. HBO doesn't, because Netflix is cookie cutter,

horse shit. It makes me sick my stomach. But HBO is fucking so good. Yeah, and Netflix, we got it. Get to it. They just say the same thing over and over on episode one, two, four, nine. Come on, make it a murderer. HBO is still the crumb to the crumb. So, I'm vindicated, I'm reversal.

And then I didn't fuck up, which feels good. So I send it to Stubhub. And now I'm like, I'm like, this guy, send me the wrong ticket. I had to buy other tickets, you horse shit, fucker, fuck you. And they're like, oh, we'll get on this. And I got a refund.

Hey, all right, hubby. Pretty good. Good for you, porn hub. So, yeah, the bad part was, I was like, oh, actually, I don't have tickets for Sunday. I mean, I guess I did have, he sent them. That's what's curious. I'm like, could I have just used the tickets on Sunday? Probably.

But I think maybe he must have gotten notified. Once I complained, he probably got notified and got his tickets back or something. I don't know. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah. So it was his mistake. Still got to go to the game. And I got my money back.

So everything worked. out. A little bit of a hassle. You've got to do a little bullshit with the company, but not bad. I should sue for my own suffering because for like 10 hours, I was like, you're a bag of shit, you're losing it, you have Alzheimer's, your father hates you, that part's true. It taps into that thing. I know I'm an idiot. Now you're proving it. You know, and it hurts your feelings and you feel like a retard. Yes, exactly. Yes, yes, yes, big coat. Once you think you know something, all you do is collect evidence of the thing. Yeah, yeah. That's why It's got to be tough to be these guys who are right about something, like the CTE guy.

You ever heard of this guy? He's got the accent, some black guy from Africa? Oh, I think so. They made a movie about it. They made a movie movie about it. They made a movie movie. It was called Concussion. Right.

But he was like, I'm telling you, NFL ruined your brain. It makes you crazy. That's why they're all beating their wives and killing their dogs and running over kids. Because they got the CTE, and they're all like, shut up, you kook. Football's an American pastime. It's the best sport in the world. Kill yourself. 30 years later, proven right.

That happens all the time. Christopher Columbus, the other guy. Galileo, the Earth is round. Yeah. You know, he got put in a mental place. Steve Hofstetter, crowdwork. Ah, heckle. Everybody's like, what an asshole.

Look at this dick face. And then everyone's like, I guess I'll do that. Yeah. You know, I'm wearing a bow tie in a vest, but yeah, I agree. I told you, I've been saying this for years. I've met him one time my life, and he started crying. He was like, thank you very much. I appreciate you.

You see me? You hear me? Whoa. Yeah. I was like, oh, no problem. You've talked about this before? I did for a long time. Oh, I didn't know that.

I was like, everyone just trashed this guy. Like, look at this hack asshole. And then everybody just did it and made it billions of dollars. Billion. They're all selling out arenas now. Absolutely. There you go. I don't like to sell out.

Well, I'll tell you, it's tough. I got my kid in a quefy daycare now. I mean, this is quefy. I walk them there every day. It's cute. You get there and it's, they go, oh, they have to do. like a little meditation at first.

So I've been there like... One and a half years old? 19 months. Yeah. Maybe... It's one and a half. Almost 20. Almost 20 months.

But yeah, so it's wacky. They play with sticks. They pray. They get on their hands and knees. They're like monks. And I've been here going like, oh, 9-11, blow me. 9-11, 7-Eleven.

That's what I call a turban. And then I'm like, okay, go pray. So it's like a special daycare? What kind of daycare? It's a Catholic daycare? It's French. They teach them French. French daycare?

They're all queefie. I hope they don't hear this. Do they have the French made stuff? Oh, God, I wish. No, no. Crescent? No, croissant. Cigarettes?

No, no. Armint hair. They got that. That's about it. But, yeah, it's Queef City. They look at rocks and they talk to the plants. Wow. It's wild.

Chuck Chief's fake giving us the signal. Oh, all right. For those who don't know, the folks at home, when we hit an hour, Chuck goes like this. Full circle. Four times, Chuck is going like this. It's crazy. Yeah, you're teasing us. It's insane.

Oh, that's real? All right. That's crazy. Are you the gay shit with the heart that people do now? I hate that move. Oh, the heart's appalled. The heart is bad news. Game of thing.

I don't get it. Come on. I'll get a thumbs up over a heart. Yeah, give me a thumbs up. Or one of these. White pants. I hate the heart. It'd be like if Chuck was a third base coach and I'm rounding second and he's like,

I'm like, what is this? You said him in mixed seconds. That's true. Hey, better, better, better. Was that a nose pick or was that one of these? Right. Well, I had this thing and I was telling you before, my kid started 3K, they call it. It's like free school for three-year-olds.

And it's like a daycare base. It's eight to two. It's school. You know, they're three. so they're not like reading or anything. They're just in there. And I dropped him off on Monday, first time doing it. He's sobbing.

I'm sobbing. And they don't fuck around there. Normally when I leave, I go to Starbucks. He's like sobbing. We're very deeply connected, you see. And when I'm leaving, he's like, oh, my God. But this time, the teachers, they're like, we have 20 kids. We can't sit here and have you say goodbye.

So they just take them. It felt like Schindler's list. Like, he's like, walk away. He's sobbing. I started crying. Like, I'm just walking up the street crying because my kid's crying. And the first day leaving, whatever. Yeah.

And then like five minutes later, I'm like, so I'm just free from eight to two. You got that right. And I was like, this is like a breakup where when you break up with someone, you're sobbing and you're like, oh, my God. And then you have that moment. You're like, I guess I can just fuck anybody I want. You can go to the Cody Island, get on the roller coaster. We can drive on the wrong side of the road. So I could go back to the movies, and I walked 11 miles the first day.

Well, we're going. We don't even need roads. I walk 21,000 steps, 11.1 miles. Oh. Because I just walked the street. streets like fucking cane from kung fu. You're a stepdad. Which I've never seen, but they reference it in both fictions.

Now I reference it. I just went everywhere. Yeah. Now I'm back. We can do four podcasts a day and, you know, it's crazy. Well, we got to get them in for old Texas as a millionaire. We got a year. I think we got, I think we're going to be fine.

Here's the thing. Zoom. Nobody cares about Zoom. Oh, yeah. Everybody loves Zoom. But people don't care. They accept. We did Zoom during World Trade Center, whatever it was called.

9-11. Corona. Oh, Jay. Spade and Dana Carvey do Zoom. Sam Harris is Zoom. Howard Stern's all Zoom. Really? They get over it.

Oh, interesting. And you're in Austin a lot. I'm in New York a lot. They love when we do a bunch of episodes in the same day. Yeah, they love that. No comments there. And we have a cult following of people that are going to stick with us no matter what. We have 10,000 people that will hate everything we do no matter what.

You got that right, Betty. And they'll act like there was some heyday, even though they hated us in the heyday. Because during the heyday, they were like, oh, this is bull, this is to suck, whatever. It's true. And then they're always going to complain. Then there's the 50,000 people that just never complain no matter what. They're just grateful. They come to the show and then they're like, we love you, Mr. Loisville.

Yeah, it's all pipes. And then there's some other assholes that'll go, Zoom, I can't do Zoom. Fuck you, motherfucker. All right, well, I don't know what's going on lately, but numbers are up. Through the roof. Through the roof. I don't know if it's because you're leaving. If I got a hair plug, whatever it is, Chuck's gay.

Something's going on. because we hit, we usually hit about 50K. You know, this is no secret. The numbers are all on YouTube. We hit that in a day. Well, last week. Maybe we're doing something special or possibly YouTube changed what counts as a view. Oh, fuck, I forgot.

But either way, it's still exciting. Well, they don't know about that. They don't read the Hollywood Reporter. That's a good point. But, uh, maybe you're right. I forgot. I kept thinking like, maybe if there's something in the air, you're leaving so it's bubbling up, makes it more exclusive, like, uh, the clock's ticking and my hair's back, you know?

I don't think so. Or, you know, we'll make it work. We make it work. You come to Texas. I'm in Texas every day. But now I'm moving there, what? No, you come down and you do a couple episodes. I come up here.

We do a few episodes. Okay. You'll be up here every now and then. I'll be up here all the time. What for, though? The podcast. You got to fly just for the pod? You got the regs?

You got other podcasts. Oh, you're going to do those too. Maybe. That's a lot of flying. Yeah, no, you come up, do a few episodes, you know, and you visit. it's a lot of gum visit Karen

yeah I'll go visit Karen I'm working on Karen down there she keeps me like I need a yard I'm like do you understand how these people are living it's insane they have sprawling yards for like 400 bucks a minute

that's month you're running with the weights off down there it's a whole different ball game it's crazy so we'll figure it out and maybe go to every other week I got no stories anyways I'm out of story you'll get some tech you'll buy a gun you'll get a truck

that's true I'll shoot myself not an abortion Now, there's a core people that will come along No matter what we do And like I said, there's other people that will continue to come along But just call us cuck, retired asshole, fucking homos So nothing will change They're like, oh, the show sucks

Ever since they have kids, I'm like, We mentioned our kids for fucking 60 seconds a month And we're banging them in the ass, we're dropping them down the stairs It's still silly shit We're not like a lovi-dovey over here Exactly All right Oh yeah, I got shows

What day is it? I don't know Of September Oh, my birthday just passed. Oh, happy birthday. When's your birthday again? 22nd, 18th. That's tomorrow.

I wish it too early. I sent the text early. I appreciate it. That's a big fuck-up. October 1st and the 3rd, side splitters. Your sides are going to split. And Tampa, oh, this is hot off the press. Big news, fresh news.

This is exciting. I'm going to film a new comedy special January 21st to the 23rd at the Comedy on State in Madison so if you're in Milwaukee, if you're in Chicago take the ride, come on down, come on over, pack it out,

be part of comedy history January 21st of the 23rd but before that I have Stress Factory in Connecticut, Bridgeport in December, I know, and Skankfest of course, I have Raleigh, North Carolina,

I have Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, October 22nd to the 24th. Start buying those tickets, please. Side split is October 1st of the 3rd. And, of course, our Patreon, we rip it on the Patreon. About to do one right now, folks. Absolutely. It's the hottest patron in town, except for a couple others that are doing quite well. Hey, I'm all over the road.

Coming up, Denver. What else? Madison, Wisconsin. We added a show out in Comedy on State, one of the great rooms. what else we got here Portland Helium in Oregon and I love that club San Jose that needs some help we'd love to have you out in San Jose

the crypto capital I'm gonna pop down to the mothership see I'm going to Austin it happens Bethlehem P8 the Wind Creek Casino Tropicana in Atlantic City and then it's Thanksgiving and then we're at Las Vegas

and fantasy Springs in Indio, California. Oh, I know that. That's right where the tennis tournament is. Hey. Oh, hey, Palm Springs. What's the big festival? Coachella.

Coachella. Thank you. We'll see in hell, folks. What do you got that? Chuck E. What do you got there, Chuck E. All right. I forgot you were here.

Not me. Yeah, P? Yes. You can go ahead. Check out my podcast, Funbearable. And also, we're filming the pilot. We're all done. However, I just found out we need to do a little bit of a reshoot.

So if you want to get involved, hit me up at Discount Chuck on Twitter or Instagram. I just got a text today that's like, hey, you have communicators for us, like the earpieces and the microphones. And I'm like, ah, fuck, I got to rent all this. Again. I hate a rental. But yeah, hit me up at Discount Chuck on Twitter and Instagram if you want to get involved with the Bond Pilot. There we go. Pilots in the audience.

Thank you, folks. I got a whizlicky one of leave.