Tuesdays with Stories! - #676 Rod Stewart

Episode Date: October 6, 2026

Joe goes home to New England, sees a deer kick the bucket and does some precision driving to save the family! Mark's in a terror taxi, has a hellacious hospital experience with the boy and has an emergency room freakout! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - Get 20% off your first 6 months of Quo business communications at https://Quo.com/TUESDAYS - Sheath. The underwear of legends. Go to https://www.sheath.com/TUESGAYS and use code TUESGAYS for 20% off.

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is spitting at May. Oh, you got a hot lady? What do you got? No, it's May. It's talking to two old ladies. Oh, that's a good thing you brought that up. Her mom and her aunt are in town. So buckle up, boys.

Are you kidding? Mom and aunt. I know, I know. We'll keep a low profile. This is terrible news. This is worse than being in the lawyer's office. I thought they would be gone for a while. Last time we did this, I walked upstairs, and your mother's like,

I can hear everything. I know. And that's worse than your mother, it's her mother. Yeah, and she's a waspy messhole. We got to get some egg carton shit. You ever see those egg cartons they put up? Yeah, but somebody told us this before years ago. Are they wrong?

Their egg cartons are kind of not perfect, but they have sound blocking blankets you put up. We have one of my other studio. Interesting. You can put it right over the door. Well, yeah, because years ago we talked about this, and the guy said sound is like water. If you don't have it sealed, it'll just seep right under it.

Like, you've got to put up that crack and this crack. And then someone else was like, those sound puffy things in the thing, that's to make the sound, you know, the pushy, look like, squishy, squishy, squishy thing. He's like, that's to make the sound good in the room. I see. It's not to protect other people from here. It kills the echo.

It damages the echo. It makes it nice, the recording sound nice, but it doesn't stop. Right. May Sue and Jill from hearing us talking. about fucking other women in the ass. It's a vibrator, not a condom. It doesn't stop anything. It makes it better.

But by the way, her name is Sue. That was unbelievable. Hey, how about that? Yeah. How about that? Is there a Jill or no? No, Jill. What's the other one?

Jeff, Jill, Barb. You're not going to get it. Keep going. Plamydia. That's a black woman. Susan, Sarah. He said Sue. Chenenei, Sequiqua.

These are all white women. Jill, Cheryl. Uh-huh. Crow. Uh, not going to get it. It throws me off. Well, it's normal, but it's... Tricky. Alice.

No, no. So is it like a dude's name? Bob? Could be. Bobby? Terry. No, no, I like Terry. No, it's Terry.

We don't want to keep doing this. A jean. Because it could be a guy, different spelling. Hygiene. Gene Wilder. Hi, Gene. I could use some hygiene. Mark, some fun docs coming out.

Norm MacDonald. Martin Mull. I'm inside about the Martin Mull. They don't know shit about this guy. Mole's a sleeper. He's like Cosby. He's funny as hell and no one knows about him. Just the trailer.

I'm like, what? I didn't know this guy. I just know him as the homo from Roseanne. I didn't know he's a musician and a comedian kind of and a painter. He was like a Smothers Brothers Quiff for a while. He's been around. He's like Henry Phillips. If Henry could face, I guess.

And not gay. And he's in, but he's not gay. Oh. He just plays gay in the show. If Henry Phillips wasn't gay. Ah, I see. A little zing on the Phil. So, but anyways, yeah, he's, I'm like,

watching the trailer and I'm like, I didn't know this guy was anything. I just thought he was some nerd on Roseanne. He's been around. He's, uh, what do you call that? A comics comic. Ah, well, I didn't know. Which is what they say about comics who aren't that big. You notice that? They never say, oh, Seinfeld's a comic guy, because Seinfeld, comics like

Seinfeld, or comics like Well, Norm MacDonald is the ultimate comics comic. Sure. That's very big. That's true. Call it Quinn is not like a stadium act, but he's like a comics comic, but he's big ish. David Tell gets it a lot, too. Yeah, so this, you know, that's something.

Okay, but yeah, Norm, here's my worry about the norm. I like Judd, I like Norm, I love Norm, but they're going to take all, they're going to sanitize it. They're going to take all the harsh shit out because he went dark. He would do some horrifying, crazy, horrific jokes. They might go dark. I hope so. I hope they don't go, hey, look how sweet and nice he was.

I like the hard stuff. I think they'll do a little bit of both. All right. But it's Netflix, and Netflix does a lot of, you know, Queefin. Shquefing. Yeah, Shquifa. But I watched the Michael Jackson Dock.

No diddling. Michael Jackson. Or the movie, the movie. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, because the Michael Jackson dock is all dittle. That's what I watched. Four hours of dittle. Yes, yes. The movie, you watched that movie?

I loved it. Seriously? The kid is unreal. Oh, God. He's like Michael Jackson's third aunt or something. They're related somehow. But, man, as that kid tells, he nails the moonwalk and the high voice and the he-he-he. Oh, wow.

That movie looks like a piece of hot garbage to me. I wouldn't watch that if you stuck it in my ass and maybe come. It's the most viewed biography of all time. Wow, that's what makes it so silly. Oh, I see. They went broad. Well, I think it's very broad and Cheapo Depot, and I think they just were like, yeah, he's the best.

Yeah, he was good. Great entertainer for sure. But if I want to watch a Michael doc, I want to see some come on a butt. I agree. Show me a little kid. And a Ferris wheel, but they get into the, the hard stuff, the dad, beating the shit out of them, the lighting himself on fire, the Richard Pryor, we call that.

But yeah, it's a lot of fun. It's well done. All right. Well, I saw The Weight yesterday. It's a fun film. Is that about Rupert? Hey, take that, Rupy. We love your Roupe.

Yeah, it's fun. It's Ethan Hock. And as you know, I would watch Ethan Hock eat my father's ass why my mother fucked him in the dick. Oh, they're taking notes. Ah, geez, we can't work like this. The windows open. too.

On the window, I'm fine with some hobo here's this. He'll subscribe. They probably... I heard footsteps. Oh, they're above us right now. Turn the TV on. They all got together the other night and talked about Lindsay Clancy, and I was like, oh, I got to get out of here.

Oh, boy. They were like, she was going through a lot. I was like, I'm hiding the exercise equipment, and I'm leaving. Oh, man. So what are they doing up there? Why are they? Well, I'm going out of town for a gig, and she has a thing, a wedding or something, so she's going out of town, so we need a little coverage.

Oh, I see. I see. I was wondering why they're here, but the baby left with the nanny. I'm like, shouldn't they hang out with the baby? They flew all the way here. We got no nanny weekend. I see. I see. If my mother comes all the way down here, I'm sticking the baby in her ass. Of course.

Of course. That's the plan. I see. Like Michael Jackson. Anyways, yeah, the weight is good. The weight is fun. But now the kids in school, it's unbelievable. I'm over at the movie theater.

I'm jerking off watching Ethan Hawks. Oh, you got the daycare now. It's unbelievable. He's in school. It's like a real school school. They do attendance and he stands there and they teach him the thing, the blocks and the puzzles and the business. Do they do the Pledge of a Leege? I don't think they do that in New York.

Little Highling. Who knows? Or now, who knows? Probably a Muslim prayer. But Becca. Mecca, sorry. Easy. Big Phil.

But moving to Cleveland, final decision, final answer. Austin's out. Cleveland's in. Don't do that with Bigger. Oh, hip-boo. Well, I got some stuff. All right. You got some stuff.

How do you feel with this digger? What's going on with this digger movie? I don't know. the trailer again. I've seen the trailer four times. I don't know what the fuck this movie's about. It feels like he's doing a George W. Bush type of thing. Oh, I see. And it looks a lot like Dr. Strange Love. It's got a real Dr. Strange Love feel. It feels bushy. He looks a little bit like Bush and it's digging for oil, but a war thing, which is interesting to be like, we're making a George W. Bush satire 20 years later. And then we have this fucking

nitwitted office. So I don't know. But I'm also just guessing Goodman looks like hell. Cruz looks insane. Yeah, a lot of makeup. But I got to see this thing. You gotta see it. It's just crazy to be like, I don't know what the fuck this is. I know. They keep it hidden, but here's the clinker.

First of all, Birdman directed it, the same guy. Yes, and The Revenant. And The Revenant, which, you know, a couple of bangers there. But I hear it's a sneaky musical. I heard a guy when I saw Digger, please, and I don't want one in my neighborhood. But then he was like, it's a musical. Watch out. You're going to show up, and they're singing the whole time.

I left. Oh, shit. Well, I like singing. I like a musical, but that's crazy to not. I know it's like the lady boy of movies. You get tricked. Oh, that's my dream. Oh, right. All I want is to be in a room with a lady. I decide, hey, I'm going for it. Sarah will understand. I unbutton that pants and boop pops a fucking cockaroo. Oh, boy. And you go, well, I'm here. I might as well shove it in my asshole.

Yeah, he's going to be digging in there. But this is funny. There's a couple old bags upstairs. And they're like, this is how he makes money down there? this shit? I'm not kidding. I would have to, I would cancel. I just wouldn't be able to do it.

Well, you gotta get the egg curtains. I want to put yellow caution tape on the roof and tell her, I mean, in the door and say, hey, we're spraying for bugs.

That's not bad. What do you call that? Insulation? No, um, fumigation. Fumigation. Your mother in law

is upstairs. Yeah. They can hear. I know. I know. I thought we were, I thought I timed it good. They left.

I mean, this is crazy. They got to go to them. museum or something. It'd be nice. They don't leave. They read. He can hear you that much, you think?

Oh, you should do a test. I'll do a test. Go up there. But then they're going to see fucking shitty legs walk up there. Shitty legs, my leg's good night. That's the worst Nick Page movie. Shorts on. He's going to walk up there.

They're going to fall down the stairs. Yeah, they're going to think you're a cripple. Go do a test. I'm not doing it now. I'm not doing the test. They got nice legs. Just say, hey, I'm a friend of Mark. I got Long John's if you want.

Just say, hey, Mark hired me, not Joe, a long time ago. Just say you. Say you're the Exterminator. Play Mark. That's not going to work. What's the law? You're the mailman. Say hi.

I'm Mark's friend. He hired me a few years ago. Joe had nothing to do with it. Mark's the one that brought me in. And, you know, just say that to them. Check it on the cable. Yeah, the cable guy. You're selling magazines.

Yeah. People still read those. Just say, hey, you produced the podcast? But if you say produced a podcast, they're going to be like, there's a podcast. None of this makes sense. None of this is going to work. Just go up.

Say, I'm a friend of Mark. I've got to grab a water. A nice. water or a hot dog or something. There you go. Yeah, give me a coffee. I saw that Luigi Lemon ice. Is that called for? You over and go upstairs and get you a little water? No, no, that's all. I got a water in the bucks. Just go up there and see if you can hear anything. What do you want me to do? Just wave to them and smile? That's fine. Say, hello. Introduce yourself. Say hi, I'm Chuck. I heard May's mom's up here. I haven't seen since the wedding. The aunt's single. Just walk at the top

of the stairs. No one will know. They're not even up there. They're probably out. They're probably in the backyard. They're flag gardening. I'll do it. I'll do it. Listen. If they're not up there, I'll go. I'm hearing a lot of blumping around. Oh, they're blumpin. Blumpkin. They're probably showering. Ruper Blumpkin.

All right. They're not great. A little shitty. Yeah, that's pretty good. What are you, a mailman? Anyways, all right, Jack's going to do a test. So we've got to talk normal. We've got to talk normal but volley because you're a loud guy.

I know, I know. Okay, okay. So, yeah, we've got to go see Digger. We'll see Digger, and I got to see the weight. Yeah, and then I shoved a fist. Yeah, the door's open. What? Seriously?

From here? Oh, they're downstairs? They're in the fridge. I did the lean-in look. Oh, they're in the kitchen. Yeah. Ah, jeez. That's bad.

We got two bonuses. I mean, I stood there, and you guys were talking, and I wasn't, like, crazy. But could you make out the words? From here. Your mother is 85-year-old chef lady. I walked up, she's like, I can hear everything you're saying. Those are the words she said. I hear everything you're saying.

I saw it and turn every night. thinking about it. Maybe we take this to the library or Starbucks. So we put blankets on our heads? What are we a Muslim? We have a setup in the other studio where we have the big blanket and we just put hooks on the top and so we take it down whenever we want. That's not bad. It's super heavy and super thick. Yes, Captain Hook. Boom, boom. You put two. You put a loop-de-loop in the blanket. You're good to go. Exactly. Well, we've got to get into some stories anyway. You can have to live with it. All right. I don't know what to tell you. Well, my story is as clean as a whistle.

Mine's as dirty as a cunt. Oh, no. Like my aunts. Yours says, it's like a whopper. Yours is big. I got to go. You go, you go. Well, I got a couple little quick things.

Please. So I was up New England this past. We were going to went and did a gig up in New Hampshire. Ah, what is it, Manchester? This was Seabrook. Ah, yes, Seabrook. Which I didn't want to get too specific because there's a story that's kind of funny. I want to make fun of the lady, the contact lady.

First of all, I don't want to say too much, but she had a name that I said to Sarah, I was like, this lady's going to be hot. This is all people with this name are always hot. Even C. Brooks is kind of hot. Yeah, yeah. See Brooke, see Bill. See something, say something.

When did C. Dick start? See Dick. See Dick. See Dick. Remember? I don't know. See Dick. Isn't that Dick and Jane?

See Dick run. Isn't that something? OCD. I think it was fun with Dick and Jane. Yeah. And it was based on something called like C. Something. See Ronnie Run.

See Ronnie Run. That's a Dave Cross movie. He's in Run DMC, I think. That doesn't matter. Anyways, so the lady, she's got a hot girl name. I was like, I guarantee this lady's hot. And Sarah goes, okay, great, whatever. We get out of the car, and I go, Sue?

And she goes, yeah, that's me. Hotest woman I've ever seen in my life. Sarah's like, whoa, you nailed it. Most gorgeous woman I've ever seen ever. All class, dressed nice, beautiful. I'm dying to hear the name now. I'll tell you after. Tell me after.

But we get there. and I think they don't have comedy a lot because in the green room it's all these pictures of stars and it's all athletes. It's Pedro Martinez, Ray Bork, whoever. There's only one comic. It's T.J. Miller. Okay. I heard of them. I think they don't know comedy that well.

So the lady goes, all right, so I'm just going to go through the run-of-show. It's very funny because, you know, we're comedians who have done 50,000 shows. She goes, okay, the host's name is Dan Bulger. I'm going to find him. I'll introduce you. I got to introduce you guys before the show. And I was like, oh, that's my friend. I've known him 20 years.

I booked him. She's like, oh, okay. Okay, well, this man, Dan Belger, we're going to say, he's going to come out, he'll do 10 minutes of comedy. Fun. Then he's going to say Sarah, he'll say your name, Dan will leave, you'll come out, you'll do 20 minutes of comedy. Then you'll come off, Dan will come back in, and we'll just stand there like this. It's like the Seinfeld, when he does the lady. Katie.

Katie. Yeah. The pilot is in the audience. And then Joe, you'll come out. And now Sarah, my lovely wife, who's beautiful and hilarious and smart and sexy and just everything. She's perfect. There you go, Tomosh. Great mom.

But she doesn't always pick up on context clues. So I'm listening going, all right, well, this lady doesn't know anything about comedy. Sure. So let's just, she doesn't know anything about what we're doing. Yeah. Sarah goes, is there a light? And I'm like, right away, I'm like, she doesn't know what you're talking. She's explaining that we're going to come out one at a time and do comedy.

And Dan Bulger. And so the lady goes, oh, yeah, there'll be lights. She goes, it's pretty dark. I swear to God, this sounds like I'm making this up. She goes, it's pretty dark out there. It's dark. So there'll be lights on you. Oh, that's great.

I swear to God, it sounds like a joke. She's like, oh, yeah, there'll be lights. It's dark out there. So light will be shining on you. And I'm like, this, Sarah. Come on. I have stage four cancer. They'll be a stage.

So that's that. The gig is fine. It's fun, fun gig. And it's like you were talking about casinos. Paid a ton of money. One show. Hell yeah. Nice spot. Nice and easy. Good movie. So we're in New England.

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this episode. So we're down there, and Sunday morning, I drive down to Starbucks, which is like a 25-minute ride, because it's Whitman. Whitman's like, get out of here with your fucking Starbucks. It's like,

podunk Trump country. They can't have a Starbucks. What? It's too corporate? Too gay? Too rich. To Starbucks is like, whoa. I tell my family,

I come up with a Starbucks cup, they're like, whoa, look at this guy. What are you, a lawyer? Look at this fucking. Really? Oh, my God. Are you crazy? That's everywhere. So what do you get? Like a 7-Eleven gas station? Dunkin' Donuts. A dunk.

Dunks. What about Cumbie? Nobody gets coffee at Cumbull and Fah. I see. They go, everyone's Dunkin' Dundits. My town is 4.2 square miles. There's three Dunkin' Donuts. Wow. And it happened because Tim Hortons or Houghtons, whatever the fuck it's called. Horton. They tried to come from years ago, probably 20 years ago.

They made a move. They're like, we're going to move to the United States. We're starting to England. and they didn't know what hit him. They put a Tim Horton's in my town, and I'm not kidding, within three weeks, they put up three Dunkin' Donuts. And Tim Hortons was like, take care, y'all, or any of the fuck they say.

It's like putting a Jewish temple in Mecca. It's not going to fly. Cleveland, so they left, and now there's three Dunkin' Donuts. I go to Starbucks, it's like a 20-minute ride. I come back. My father's in the front yard. My wallet's gone. And he's just standing in the front yard,

and I'm like, the hell's going on here. I thought somebody was dead. I thought my kid died. Uh-oh. He's looking at the car, looking at me. Oh, not the car again. So I'm like, why's my father in the front yard? And then, of course, there's a moment where I'm like, maybe he missed me.

Wow, you're dreaming. Maybe he's going to give me a big hug and say, hey, there he is. Where you've been? Oh, you're crazy. So I pull in, and I'm like, what the fuck's going on here? Can a man stand on his front lawn? He goes, it's suspicious. I see.

He can stand his front lawn, but he never has before. I don't know, without mowing it. or he's like this. Just right the front there. Just standing there, barefoot, shorts. Oh, barefoot shorts is bad. And I walk out, and then I noticed the neighbor, Sally, she's got a bath robot. She's like, she's got this thing.

Oh, boy, they're fucking. So I'm like, oh, my dad just fuck Sally. That's hot. Uh-huh. So I walk over, I go, hey, he goes, come here. Come here. I thought he's going to show me her tits or something. Okay.

I go, what the hell is this? I come over. Look at this. And I go, Oh, there's a deer Giving birth or something It could be a deer Because there's deer everywhere

I take the corner Nestled in I have the houses here You know It's a little It looks like the Monopoly house Yeah It's been there

Just a I think it's called a ranch Just no basement slab A little tiny One level One floor One floor, no basement strip of house Yes

And then there's a little wooden fence Nestled in there A buck Wow The buck stops here Now I've never seen a buck In the wild I see deer up the ass, but I never see the dude.

I don't know what he's doing. Liberal buck. He's got... Antlers. Six point deer or whatever. And he's curled up. And this thing is like this. Oh, no.

He's alive. He's breathing. He's dying. Death store. This thing is crapping out dying. And I'm like, what the fuck? And Sally's crying. Because women, like, care about things.

Sure. She's like, oh, this is crazy. Not the three newboards. And I go, what the fuck is that? this? He goes, yeah, it's just dying over here. So I go in the backyard and hopping the fence, I look down, its asshole has just been eaten out. Hey, that's pretty good.

It's just, it's, it's, the backside is missing. It looks like a U-Haul truck that they opened the door and blood and guts spilled out. Just his assholes missing. It's your dream. It's got a big gaping asshole. Hey, lady boy. Buck Wild, fuck naked. From a car accident?

That's what I thought. I was like, a car must have hit this thing and tore its asshole off. All right. And then he limped into the yard. So now I go full Netflix doc. I got like my binoculars and like a monocle and a stethoscope. What's the thing I'm magnifying glass? That's it.

Yeah, that's always what to look at my dick. I'm walking around. I'm like, here's the point of impact. There's like a big puddle of shit on the cement. I'm like, we got the impact point over here. Impact. Follow the step. I'm doing this.

Sally calls Animal Control. And she goes, yeah, the guy said he can't be over till later and whatever. But now the thing's, it's asshole is just shitting out blood and guts and shit. On my father's yard, and my wallet, my father's gay, his bedroom window is here. Oh, boy. And there's already flies buzzing around. And dicks and shit and guts, and it smells. Sure.

Wait, did you get a whiff? Oh, I got a whiff. Oh, boy. And he's still alive. He's like, oh, my Lord. And it's sad. You look at the eyes. You've got sad little eyes and red things.

So I call the police Not the night one But the regular You know dispatch Yeah Talk to a lady there She's like Yeah how are you

Whitman police How's it going there You fucking dizzy head You skinny skinny dick Yeah shitty legs And I go Hi there I got a buck here

Pall step on Yeah yeah a couple of books I got a dying buck in the yard She goes Oh yeah I think your neighbor called We don't really do anything about it But call Animal Control

His name's Joe he'll come over, yada, yada. That's fun, they all know each other. It's a little town. Yeah, and then she takes my info. I'm like, I live in 350 Albany Street, and she's like, that's here in Whitman. I was like, New York, New York, New York, New York. What the fuck?

What do you, a Starbucks guy? Yeah, exactly. So I take the thing down. So then we just monitor the situation. You've got to keep the kid away because it's a dying fucking deer with blood all over, blood and shit all over him. Sure. So about two hours passed, and I'm checking on them, and it's getting worse and worse.

Belabored or labored? Is it belabored? Belabored breathing? The Labor Day. It is labored. Blah. I don't know what the fuck. Yeah.

This is the labor party with a U. Oh, yeah. I'm a believer. Tim Hortons. So he's all fucked up. I got some great photos, but we could put him in here, but it's got me a trigger warning.

Sure. This thing's fuck. So I sliced up some apples, and I was like, may all feed apples? Oh, that's very nice. It's dying. It looks like this.

So I'm like, tossing apples. They're just hit him in the face. He's like this. Even if he did eat one, it would just fall out of his ass. That's a great point. Just go right through them. Apple sauce with cranberry

I mean it's just hitting him I'm just like pelting in the face with apples He's like come on dude fuck up So hours pass So I go I'm calling Animal Control I don't know what Sally said And it's a woman nobody cares about a woman No they're not gonna help her

So I call back I call animal control My dad's like here's the number I call it's literally just a guy He goes he goes yellow And I go Animal Control? He goes Yeah

Like there's no it's not like an office If you guys like Animal Control How can I help you He just goes yo And I go, is this animal control? He goes, uh-huh. I go, all right, well, so my name's Joe, and his name was Joe. So I said, I knew his name was Joe, so I led with Joe.

Okay, now you're in. Maybe he'd go, hey, Joe Joe. Joe, it's a common name. So I go, listen, my name's Joe, so I know how you feel about life. And he goes, yeah, okay, I think your neighbor call. I go, yeah, yeah, she called, but I got to tell you, it's getting worse here. I mean, there's blood and shit all over him. He must be hit by a car, and then he gave me the info.

He goes, no, no, no, a cow won't do that. A cow will just break its bones. A coyote. A car. Car. He's like, this is coyotes. So I learned this about my town. Whitman is just peppered with coyotes.

Oh, you got to kill them. They got seven coyote dens in this small town. Jeez. More coyote dens than Dunkin' Donuts. There goes the neighborhood. So he goes, those are coyote. A car won't rip its asshole off. Right.

A coyote started eating his ass. Man, very giving. So he must have put up. a fight. All right, good for him. Bleeding all over the grass. Why wouldn't they eat the whole thing? It's just weird to eat the ass and leave.

That's like you get a hooker, eat her out. No, I think he got away. Oh, that makes sense. The buck was walking, running. They attack in a pack. Yeah. They go, and he's going, he must have been like, and these are the wounds, you see.

Yes, yes. He's got the antlers. He's doing this. I see. And the coyotes go, they couldn't get him down, but they tore his ass off. I got, my antlers upstairs. Hey, that's good.

I just spent all over the place. Oh, sorry. That's all right. I'm sorry. Why have I apologized? Okay. Doesn't make sense. So they got his ass, but he left.

He got away. He's been bleeding out the whole time. So I go, well, listen, I got to tell you, this thing, it's in my fucking, my father's yard. It's outside his window. It's blood and shit everywhere. There's flies and ticks and I'm hard as hell. Sure. So the guy goes, all right, let me call the police.

I'll see if they can get over there and at least put him down. Yeah. I go, that would be great, because this thing is really belabored. Now, can you shoot it in the head and then grab a hoof and just drag his old bones into the street? So here's what goes on. And run it over a few times, flatten it out. So now I go back inside. I tell the, and I'm the real alpha here.

I really grab the horn by its tail. Well, the dad is just sitting out there drinking coffee going, look at this. Well, no reaction, no, like, Jesus, this is crazy. Well, he was talking to Sally. he let her take the lead, but I said, hey, women are less than. Yes, yes, slower. So I come over, I go, all right, I talked to the Big Joe, Animal Control fellow, and Animal Control, A.C. Slater, and

they're going to send the cops off. My mother goes, that's it, we're out of here. She grabbed Marty, grabbed Sarah, put Sarah at a headlock. Sure. Marty in the other, but she goes, let's go get some monster trucks. Hey! And Marty's like, great. They set off to Target. Monster Buck. So they take off. They get out of there because we can't be here for this. Meanwhile, I'm like, I got a podcast here.

Oh, that's a content. So finally the cop comes. Officer Powers. Yes. Old guy. And a cop. Now, I'm not gay or a woman, but I want to fuck a cop in the ass. Sure.

You're a badge, bunny. This guy shows up and he's all tall and his uniform fits well. And he's got the badge and some stars on his shirt. shoulder and a handgun, the taser. Yes. He's there to help. Are you doing? What do you guys?

You guys can't do anything about this? I'll do it. Oh, all right. Good. A real man showed up. So he walks in, shh, to shh,

free the police, follow the back, the blue, whatever you call. Blue Lives Matter. I'll tell you that. Here, here, Po, Po.

So this guy walks in, looks at and he goes, oh, God. Oh, geez. Oh, dear. Mm, John Deer. And we go, yeah, yeah, talk to Animal Control.

it's not a car. The coyotes ate his ass. He's bleeding here. It's tragic. And he goes, well, I talk to animal control. He can't get over here till later. But, uh, yeah, listen, I'm going to... Get a wench on that thing.

He goes, I'm going to have to put... I'm going to have to shoot it. Oh. And so you go, ah, but the other half of you goes, Woo! A little show of the movie. Now, I got to tell you, and some of the fans are going to write, what a, what a cuck, liberal, homo piece of shit.

I've never seen a weapon. fired. We ever see a weapon discharged before? I've shot at weapons. I've shot it like machine guns. You got a range? Well, but I guess I've never done that, but I've also just never seen somebody in the wild shooting a thing. Right. You never hit a bird with a BB?

No. Bibi's a different thing. I mean, no, but also BB guns. Bebe New Earth. This is a fucking 45 caliber Glock. But this guy lives with it. I mean, lives in Whitman. There's no action. There's no blacks. You need the buck. Well, that's what I saw. There's

plenty of blacks. But this is what I said. Oh, yeah. So this is what I said. I'm like, you think they would be dying to get over here? You think they'd be sitting around going, let's get over here.

The phone's not ringing. So he goes, I got to shoot it. And he's doing a thing. He's like walking around like this. Yeah. I don't know any of this stuff. He's like, you can't kill a deer in the head. It's actually hard to shoot a deer in the head

and kill it because I think they have tiny brains, like women. Oh, interesting, Sally. So they go, you got to shoot it in the chat. You want to hit the heart. It's like Pulpiction. Oh, right, right. A felt pen.

A black magic marker. So I'm like, wow, this is crazy. And, you know, you back up a little bit. And I'm like, this is it. I'm going to watch a cop, draw a weapon, and fire on a fucking living animal. None of that. You didn't put one of these? Nah, I respect the police.

Well, I mean, it's good for it. It's not, nothing against him. Yeah, but, you know, you don't want to be that guy that's like, let me get some of this. I guess so. I guess so. I didn't want to be that guy. I would have called Rupert and got a full crew. So I go, uh, well, you know.

He wouldn't have been there for six months. He's got to rent a blimp. Blimpie, he's there right now. So I go, all right, here we go. So he goes, you might want to hold your ears. And I'm like, all right, so I'm doing the dynamite. Yeah, Wiley Coyote. I got one finger in each ear.

And he lines it up and he goes, all right, here we go. I think this is it. I'm not sure. The heart. He goes, boo! It's so loud. I've never experienced a fucking. He goes, bang!

and resonates, and the deer just starts going like... But, dude, it was like me, myself, and Irene. He's like, ah, shit. I swear to God. I swear to God, he goes, boom! And they get the things like this. Oh, he's got an unload on that thing.

Put it out of the Mizz. He's like, fuck. All right, yeah. Maddo I don't think I got it. And I was like, what? Yeah, you hit the spleen. He goes, all right, well... Tough.

Shit. I'm sorry, guys, but I got to hit it again. My sister comes out. She's like bawling. She's got makeup all down her face. Her dress is torn? Her tie lines. And she's like, is he dead? And I'm like, go back in. He's going to shoot it again. He's going to shoot you. So I watched the gun. I'm like, this is crazy. So he's got the two hands on it. And he goes,

boom! And it echoes throughout the fucking canyons. Sure. Now every Tom Dick and asshole comes out of their house. Oh, of course. Of course. And it's Sunday after all. So every single person has a Tom Brady jersey on, a Drew Bledsoe. Everyone's just the same. Dugan donuts, sweatpants.

It's like 15 guys come out in slides, shorts, and Drew Bledsoe jerseys. And they're everywhere. And they all start, like, converging on it. It's like a horror movie. Everyone starts going on. They go, hey, what's going on? Whoa. See, I hear a gunshot.

I locked the door. I hide in the bunker. Well, that's what I thought. They're like, we heard the gun. It was like Dane Cook's car accident. Yes, yeah, the dish. Like, I was washing a dish. So I came out.

That's not what he told me. But isn't it fast? fascinating to, if I heard a gun going off and looked on my window and saw a police car, I'd be like, get down. Of course, of course. My whole neighborhood's like, let's get in there. That's a sign of a really safe neighborhood. Well, I think it's also a sign of Netflix docks.

Everyone wants their head. They want to be part of the thing. Now, did they get the cameras out? I'm sure somebody had to whip out. There's some footage on Whitman Live, WNB8. WNB8. Well, I took photos. I got some photos.

We got to put them in here. We've got to put them in here. We've got to put some trigger. warning stuff because it's gnarly. But the second time he shoots it, now this is the crazy thing that stuck with me for a day. Trigger, please. It goes, boom! And then he goes, that was it. I got it.

And I literally hear this. Oh, geez. And I watched like a Tarantino film, Blood shoot up, because the deer was laying away its back was to me. So I couldn't see the jest and it just went... You saw the squirting. I saw the squirt and literally heard the noise. I've heard countless

times in every movie. And it was the blood of the mouth. It's the blood. It's coming out of the chest hole. Oh, it's gurgling. Yeah, because he shot it in the heart. So all that pressurized blood just went, oh.

And then it's got like a nervous system. And the whole thing is like, kick its tail went up. Oh, boy. Don't worry, don't worry. He's like, that's just nerve. It's just this nervous system. He's like, it's dying. It's bleeding out.

Okay. He was kind of jarred by it himself. He was like, oh, okay, we got it. Quite a morning. We got it. And, oh, Jesus. Oh, wow, that flew by. Classic.

So he's like, we got it. That time. My sister comes out and she looks. She's like, it's not dead. It's moving. And he's like, it's just a nervous system. Don't worry. And it just flowed out.

And now the thing that was so fascinating, deer blood at least, I don't know about human blood. It looks like fake blood. If I was directing a movie, I'd be like, get this out of here. It's fluorescent. Interesting. It's like a pinkish, right. It's so bright.

Wow. Do you think it had to do with the deer's white fur and it's on it, though? No, I don't think so. It was on the grass and everything. I can't not wait to see these photos. It's something else. Boy, you're rural. And by the way, this blonde on both sides is this asshole from the coyotes and then the mouth,

I mean, in the chest. Right. So then one of the neighbors comes down and he goes, oh, fucking Mark. Mark got this on his ring camera. That's the same deal. Oh, we've got to get that camera. So he watched it three days earlier. He has the coyotes attacking it on his ring camera.

Call in Mac. So this thing had been dying. for days. How long's your dad been standing out there? Well, I think it wandered around and finally found the dying spot. But so the coyotes ate his ass like days ago. This poor fucking thing has just been dying. Wow.

So he needed that gunshot like like you like you, like you know, like COVID vax, this thing. Yeah, well, the cop did the right thing. Because you think it's kind of counterintuitive. Like, oh, let's shoot a, let's shoot a hurt animal. But that's the way to go. Well, it made me think of two things. about deer hunting that I've thought. One, so that animal control came later and had to carry,

and my dad had to like help. We put a tarp over it. It was quite jarring to. Did you do a prayer, you get on a knee? No, not really the praying type. Say a few words. Also, a lot of horror movies start with like a deer doing something fucked up. So it felt very like ominous. But also, so I thought about this with hunting.

A, I just never would hunt. It's so fucking strange to me. I don't hate the people or is. But eat it, do it, it's a game, whatever. That's how we survived. The idea of, like, sitting outside and just, like, blowing away a deer. But then the blood and the guts and then dragging a dead beast and hurling it onto your truck. Yeah, the carcass.

It's so heavy. It's so gnarly. But it also made me think of a thing Rogan said to me years ago about deer hunting. Aliens? Well, it's like, you think, like, oh, that's so inhumane and fucked up, which I don't disagree. But he's like, how do you think deer died? naturally. I get gnarled by a coyote's ass.

They're not in a hospital with families surrounding them and have like a slow drip and say good night and close their eyes. It'd be nice. He's like, if they live their full life, like getting shot in the chest is not the worst fate for a deer. That's interesting. This thing's been dying for four days. Right.

With its asshole missing. Yeah. And then opposite powers shoots them twice in the chest. So it's not, it doesn't end well great for animals in the wild. Not that it swings me around I'm going to go shoot some shit Not a lot of deer dying of old age Like I had a good life

I laid down on this blanket And think about my childhood But Man it was something else So that just real quick Because I know you're gonna whopper So that happens I see the cop shoot the deer

It's dead Watch the Patriots game The neighbors are all hanging out Then we drive It starts raining We drive home Me Sarah Marty We're driving all the way home

It's like a five hour ride Sunday night We just picture that deep Earblood. Yeah, I'm dealing with that. So then we hit a little bit of traffic here, there, the other way. We're driving the highway, long ride. You know, they're in their own world back there.

They're playing games, whatever, talking. I'm driving. I got to focus. And I got this deer trauma in my head. Sure. It's rainy, skiddy, wet. I watch these two cars are kind of like racing each other, like fucking assholes. Oh, I've seen this, yeah.

And one pulls over to the left. No blinker. Just all of a sudden a car just like whips in front of me, pulls off to the side of the road. and I'm like, what the fuck was that? That was weird. Whatever. Pulls over the left, no blinker. Okay.

Interesting. Keep driving. Maybe four minutes later, this car whips in front of me. Just doing 100. You know, these people, New York highways always like that. I mean, I guess America, whatever. You get some choo-ch-wop-dago out there with a little pizzen vinegar. He goes, whoa, cuts in front.

And I go, Jesus, that was not some driving. And I'm a very good driver. And I'm very safe. and then this other car that I watch pull over comes whipping by, drives right up to the other car, boom! Hits it from the side, like spins it out. On purpose? I think, I don't know. It goes, boosh.

Both cars start spinning. Fucking bumper flies off, door-dented. This guy spins this way. This guy spins this way. What a weekend. And I'm the next car. Wow. So I go, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And I hit the hazards. I fucking break, but not. Too hard because it's raining. Skittish. And I move this way. This car is spinning this way. This one's spinning this way. So I had to do this, this, this, then back around this way.

Then I gas it because I'm like, I don't know. I don't want to lock up the brakes because we're going to skidding away. So I gas it all the way around. Rumble strip. This car is a foot and a half still spinning this way. I go, whoa. And I look back in the rearview, I'm like, holy shit. I've never seen this before.

So I saw a cop shooting a deer. and then a live spin out. Wow. In the rain, mind you. I was like, wow, go, whoa. And Sarah was like, holy shit. You all do this one. And Marty's like, what was that?

What's that? And I was like, we're okay, you're okay. I got the hazards. And I just take off. And I was like, I just saved our lives. You got that right, Faddy. We're alive because of me. Yes, that was crazy.

And she's like, oh, my God, thank you, Daddy. I love you so much. Oh, I'm going to cry. I'm like, I'm not joking. I'm not being whatever. Dramatic. Proudest moment of my whole life. Whoa.

I am a man, Jerry. Wow. What about last comic standing? Nah, a lesser man would have screamed, locked him up. I did just the right amount of brake, gas, move, swivel. Woo! There's stuff going on in this car. You have no idea.

So it was behind you, just a fiery wreck probably. Well, I didn't see any fire, but it was a fucking wreck. And then I realized I'm like, I think these guys were, like, beefing. That's why the guy was like, you want to pull over? Oh, fuck you. It looked insane. I see.

He thought he was going to pull over with him, then they'd have it out. I think. And then now they're in a car accident. Imagine exchanging. They might have been, Sarah's like, they might be duking it out right now. Hopefully, but I mean, geez, you could kill a guy doing that. You bump a guy in the rain? Of course, he's going to spin out.

He might have been dead. And I should be a witness to this thing. I don't know how to give information to the highway patrol. We have a lot of cops listening. We love you. Let me know. Sunday night, 95. I don't know what.

X than it was. What a Sunday. The Grim Reaper was looking for you. It's crazy. And I was like, how often do you, these are like four hours apart to watch an animal get shot to death and a fucking full speed car wreck right in front. And I mean, right in front of us. Wow. Right there. Probably four car links in front of us, spinning both ways. It was an omen that you were supposed to get, if Sarah was driving, you'd be sleeping with the fishies. Anybody. I mean, my whole family could have rolled and died. It was unbelievable. Oh, dad be in the front lawn for a different reason. My son died, my grandson, my daughter-in-law.

Yeah, that's it. There you go. So, eventful Sunday, unbelievable. Wow. I'm proud to say we're home. We're glad to have you back. I'm happy to be here. I mean, Texas would have really been missing me.

Yeah. Oh, Texas. It's all pipes. Yeah, what are you going to do? Damn. All right, we got a year. Yeah, you got a year. Okay, okay.

I'm in October. Our lease hasn't even kicked in our use. I'm going to check it in two years. You're going to be shooting your own deer. You're going to be walking around with two saddlebags on your side there, twirling guns, shooting everything. Oh, I'll get a gun. I already have the cowboy hat.

I'll get a gun. Yeah, might as well get a gun, a truck, Mexican wife. Oh, I'd love that. Yeah, good tortillas. All right, well, I'm going to try to whip right through it, but this is heavy duty. I like heavy duty. This is heavy duty. We got all kinds of heavy duties.

Well, this is a motion. That was action. This is a motion. I can't wait. I mean, you and emotion, I can't imagine. I'm nervous telling it. Yeah, this has changed me, Jerry. I'm a new person now.

I don't see it. All right. Well, so I got two sets on Monday. All right. You know, standard night. Hey, New York Comedy Club, New York Comedy Club. Easy peasy. I got some new stuff.

I'm excited. Gotcha. First set, do it. Get off stage, get the text. The boy is wheezing. It's really scary. He's wheezing like crazy. He can't count.

his breath. I go, oh, weird. How's he feel? He doesn't seem that bad, but I'm going to put him down. Maybe we can sleep it off. I'll keep an eye on him. I go, okay, great. I go down to my second show. I'm walking in the door. This is really bad. She sends me a video. He's like, whew, shaking. And I was like, yeah. Yes, he was the deer. He got his ass eating. I go, go to the hospital. Here we go. She goes, I'm bringing him to the hospital. So I walk into the club. I go, my kid's sick. I'm gay. I'll see you all in hell. And they went, to do-de-loo. Jump in a cab. Now, I get in the cab, I got a wacky driver.

I might have had your guy on the highway. I got a crazy Indian guy. He's in the van cab. We're getting on the... I don't like them either. The whole thing with the door, you've got the sliding door, they're like, don't touch it, don't touch it. Then they hit the button, you've got to wait for the door to open.

Then you get in, you're like this. He's like, I got it, I got it. Okay, the door closes. There's no noise. There's no suspension. It's all like, bang. So true, so true. What is this vehicle?

I know, get some shocks on this thing. Like I'm in Peru. Yes, yes. Peru. So we get on the, we get on the Manhattan Bridge. So they're merging and there's a construction thing. So we all got to get in one lane. So he just starts merging.

There's a guy right here in a Camry. And he's just going, and you can see the camera guy going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he starts honking. They hit rearview mirrors. Whoa. So he just lights in. The guy puts on the brakes. So I was like, whoa, this is getting crazy.

And he's like, this guy fucking idiot. And you know when you're in a car, you're like, I agree with the other guy. So I just got the head. I just look at the phone like, that was crazy. This guy's a retard. So we're going down the bridge, and the guys behind him, like, Brambe! B'bri-B-B-B-B-B-A!

It was Indy on Indian crime. And we get off the bridge, we get to a light, and he goes, fuck this light. I'm taking a left. I go, there is no left. Like, you can't take a left here. And he was like, oh, you're right. Pops the curb, pops the tire.

So I was like, pull over. I'm getting out. I'm going to the hospital. I'm going to the Brooklyn Hospital. I'm about to die with this guy. I took a photo of the tire. I'll send it to you. And plus he looked like a chooch with the wife

Like, I'm in a van, the tire pops He's like, what? This is one of your stories? Yeah, so I was like, Tire Pop, photo. So I go see in hell And I threw like a 12, 12 bucks of the guy And I ran out of there.

I run to the hospital, which is weird. You feel like a movie. What am I? Tommy Lee Jones? Harry Met Sally. Yes, yes. So I run in, I go,

I got a sick kid, blah, blah, blah. They're like, you got to go through the metal detector. You're like, god damn, all right. Beep, bo, pooh, you get in the dumb. Rat-maze. Tell me we don't live in a shit fucking town. You've got to go to the metal detector to see your sick kid.

I'm walking in with a revolver. Yes, you got me. So I run in and they go, okay, he's on this floor. I get in there. He's in a, on a gurney. He's cute. He's sitting up. He's like, hey, dad, dad.

Dad, yeah. So I'm like, oh, okay, he's all right. He's all right. She's in tears. She's a puddle. And is that Mike Feedy? So then. It might have been Mike Feeney.

Yeah, how about that? Get down. So Sidney Feedy. Kill the line. So the doctor comes in. Nice guy, Indian guy. But remember, it's 10.30 at night. We're getting the B squad here.

The hospital looks like shit. There's graffiti. There's trash everywhere. The floor is filthy. We're in a gurney. All you hear is it's just curtain, curtain, curtain. And you just hear like, ah, I'll kill you, bitch.

Don't talk to me like that. You know, and these poor nurses, I don't know why anyone would join this job for us. Right. I mean, I get you want to help people, but it's all just psycho, ghetto, crazy, wacko people like, oh, the Lord's coming to get me. Don't touch me there. I'm like, it's a thermometer.

Fuck you and your thermometer. Like, they try to help you. Right. So you don't want to be that guy. So I get in there, and the guy comes up, and he's like, you did the right thing. This kid needs help. He needs help. I want to help him. Like, great, great. And he's got the thickest accent in the world, and you don't want to be xenophobic, but I can't understand him. Plus, there's a lot of medical jargon. So I keep me like, wait, what? And you got a kid here. So this is serious. So you need to

understand the guy. And I feel bad going, say that again. He's going, we need more albutral. Then you got to hit him with the NCU. And then we got all this jargon. So you're already lost. And then you can't understand him. That's why the nurses are there. I feel like the nurse is supposed to come in and be like, sugar, you got me fine. They're going to give him a little no cane and suck his dick. I would like that. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Give me the nurse. Give me Keefe Latifah coming in with Tweety Scrubs. But I can't understand this guy. So whatever, I'm trying to be nice. And he keeps calling me daddy. Which is really pissed because I'm the dad. So he's like, don't worry, Daddy, we're going to handle this Daddy.

And I'm like, ah, every time he says Daddy, I just lose a little of myself. I'm so cringed out by the Daddy thing. He's like, I don't care for it either. The baby, the baby's going to be fine, but don't worry, Daddy. We're going to do this Daddy. We're going to do this Daddy. And I just hate this guy immediately. He's nice, but he's pissing me off.

I can't get any information out of him. He's very vague. And he does that thing where he's like, I'll be right back. And then he sits at a computer five feet away. So you're like, I see you there. I have a million questions. All I hear is typing, and I keep going up to him like, so what's the deal now? And he's like, don't worry, Daddy, I'll be back, Daddy, and suck my dick, Daddy.

And I'm like, all right, with the Daddy. Call me Daddy. So eventually, we're sitting there, and they have to take his temperature. So they stick a metal rod up his ass, which, what is that? What years? They don't have the gun? They don't have the forearm. They don't have the forearm.

They don't have the forearm. Like, we got to do a metal rod? Everybody has the forehead gun now. I know. I got the B-Squod. So watching a. And this is like a rod, Jerry. Rod Stewart.

I mean, it's wild watching a rod. It's like... Why the rod? Do they explain the rod? They don't explain anything. They got a gun. They go, boop. It takes two seconds.

And I go, why the rod? They go, don't worry, Daddy. Don't worry, Daddy. I'm like, stop call me Daddy. So I'm getting flipped. I'm flipping. I'm heated. This poor kid, he's going through hell, and he's,

this is what hurts the most. He's being sweet about it. They put a metal rod up his ass. He's like, Daddy. Daddy. And he's looking at me. I'm like, ah, it's like, it's just,

torture. Right. So eventually they go, all right, this kid's fucked. He needs an IV. And I go, IV. They go, yeah, we got to put a needle in his hand. Then put an IV, you know, connected to the bag, hanging. And he doesn't understand.

So they have to pin him down. And there's like five guys pitting him down. And he's like, look at me in the eyes, tears coming down. He's like, no, no, no. They put a fucking needle in there. And then he's yanks the needle. Oh. And the needle pumps that.

So they're going to put their thing back in. And then they have to wrap his hand up with this thing. and then they put a diaper on top of the thing and seal up the diaper. So now he's just got this, and he's doing this and this, and oh, the whole thing was painful. And then they go, okay,

he needs air, an air shooter, air gun, or air friar. Oh, shit, what's Air Jordan? Yeah, it's like an air compressor. So they put this thing around your head, goes up the nose, and it shoots oxygen. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like the old people. So this guy wheels in, he's a nice, guy's just like, you know, black guy working late shift. He's super cool. And he, he, I can talk to

him. So I'm like, what is this? Do we need this? I'm holding the kid. He's got the thing in. They did, they took blood. They put a rod up his ass. It's too much shit. So he's going, don't worry, Daddy. It's air. It's air. And this is like midnight. The wife, I'm like, you're pregnant. Go home. I'll stay here with the baby. So she goes home. Well, she's like, she's like, she's like this. She's so tired. She falls asleep at nine every night on the couch. So it's midnight 1 o'clock by this point. The baby's never been up this late in his life. So he's just miserable and crying and sad, but I give him a car.

He's like, car, car. He's trying to play, which makes it so much more painful. So he doesn't know what's going on, so he's like, why are you doing this to me, whatever? So he finally falls asleep. The guy shows up with the air thing. It's his big old machine, it's got a engine on it. So they go, this is perfect. He's asleep.

We'll put the shit up his nose, a little head strap. He'll breathe great. It'll really help open his lungs up. But I'm like, okay, okay. As long as he can stay asleep, the kid's got to sleep. And they put the thing on him, pulls a rip cord. This thing fires up. The kid goes, it's shooting like a million miles.

It's like shooting up his nose. He's like ripping his face off. He's got the boxing glove thing, the diaper. So I go, that's it. That's it. Everybody get the fuck back. And I flip. I lose my shit.

I'm holding the kid. And he's attached to the bag, the IV. So I'm like yanking him. The bag comes rolling down. And I go, that's it, that's it. Everybody, back the fuck up. Back the fuck up. I lose my shit because I feel so bad for this kid.

Two janitors come up. They're like, whoa, whoa, man. Now I'm the crazy guy. I'm John Q. Yeah, you're the people next to you. I'm the guy next to me. And I'm like, this is enough. Enough's enough.

The kid's bleeding everywhere. He's got to sleep. He's got a rot up his ass. You're calling me, Daddy. I'm calling it. I'm walking out the door right now because they wouldn't tell me anything. Yeah, they're not diagnosing them or anything? No.

What is he doing in there? They kind of guinea-piggy him. Let's try this. Let's try that. I'm like, you can't try a bunch of shit on a one year or 10-month-old. Right. We need answers. And I'm like, is it asthma?

Is it this? Like, we don't know yet. We're not sure. They don't want to tell you anything because then I could sue him later and go, he said it was asthma. Right. So I get that. And I get that they're trying to help the kid. But I couldn't take it anymore.

I flipped. So I'd say, get the fuck away from him. No one come near me. Get that thing out of here. And the black guy goes, yeah, this thing's not great anyway. Like this thing, no one ever works. This doesn't work. And I was like, what is this?

What are you doing? So he was cool. Whatever. So I tell the guy, I have no information. I'm in the dark. Back the fuck up. No one's touching this kid. And two nurses walk, three nurses walk up.

Nice, young nurses. And now you can tell he got on the phone. He was like, this guy's crazy. We got a live one here. This guy's aggressive. So. The three ladies come up. They're young.

They're nice. They're calm. And they're like, okay, we heard there's been a problem. them, here's what we're going to do. We're going to take them upstairs, and we're going to put them in the NICU and the Pediatrics area. And I was like, okay, keep that guy away for me, that guy, I hate him, whatever, like, no problem. Everybody hates that guy. He's the worst. So we go upstairs, and now the kid's, like, kind of, he's, like, traumatized. He's, like, kind of jittery, and he's under a blanket. He's got hand bleeding, the tube up with the bag,

just, so I'm pushing the IV with him, so it doesn't yank. And we're, we're just, and we, We go up to pediatrics. They put him in a crib, and I'm like, just let the kids sleep, please. And once we got there, they were nice. Okay. I think we got normal people. And there was women around. You're probably out of the ER.

Yeah. The ER is a train wreck, always, especially in a big city. Yes. It felt like he was being tortured by, like, a terrorist group. That's what he felt like. No offense with the accent. So we get up there, flipped on the guy. It's okay, Daddy.

And once we got there, I have photos. He's in a crib, but it looks like a cage. And they have to put the guy. these sticky things on them to check the vitals, which I get. But every now and then they come in, they're like, we need new stickies, and they rip them off and he goes, ah, ah, and then he yanks the thing, and it pulls in, and he goes, ah, and you just, I'm sitting on a recliner, and they're like, here's a blanket, so you're just laying there watching the kid, trying to sleep. It's five in the morning, whatever, and I got, you know, I got about an hour of sleep, and finally, I was like,

when can we get this kid out of here? I think he'd be better off at home, because every time they come in, he's like, he's doing this shit. And then they do stuff and he yells, Daddy, Daddy, oh, I can't even tell you the feeling. Now, at any point, are they saying, here's what's going on? They keep going, it's probably two things. Broncolitis, bronchiolitis, which I think is a dinosaur. And then, not bronchitis, bronchitis, give it a goo. Bronchitis or bronchial.

Remember Goodfellas? Oh, yeah. He says he's bronchial. The Bronx. I don't know. Or it's asthma, but we don't want to say it's asthma, but that's what we think. And a bunch of people keep coming in. I'm like, just let the kid sleep.

Once he's down, he doesn't yank. He's pulling a needle out of his vein every 10 minutes. Right. With the yank, he doesn't understand. So I'm sitting in the crib with him. I'm trying to, like, play cars with him. And I got to tell you, there was, you know, it's kids' place. So there's, like, paintings all over the wall, like cartoons.

and he goes, he's, you know, wonky, he's got the big bags, he's been crying all day, he's covered, he's got blood splatter on him, and he goes, fishy. There's a fish on the wall. I fucking lost it. I just broke down, I wept like a bitch, because he's still, even after all this, he's like, I know a fish. Right. And it, I don't know why that killed me.

With the other stuff, it was like, defense, protect the kid. This was like, oh, he's trying to be fun and have a good time, even through all this hell. Well, kids are inspiring because they're unaffected by illness. Yes, yes. They're just like, I don't know, I want to play monster truck. They'll be sneezing and snot and shit everywhere. And they're like, well, whatever, I got fucking El Toro Loco over here. It's really inspiring.

It really is, because all we do is complain. I'm like, I got no sleep last night. I'm fuck you. I'm cranky. I'm going to run you over. But he's like, his head is heavy. He keeps falling. But he's still trying to be like, da-da.

You know? And so, oh, my God, I was the one. You know, get no sleep. The lady shows up at about 7 a.m. And they let us go at about 1. It's the longest day of my life. And then they go, you should go to a pediatrician. And I'm like, after all that, that's what you tell me?

Go to a doctor. Give me some antibiotics. Give me something. And they go, how about an inhaler? I'm like, we have an inhaler. We tried to inhale them. That didn't do it. And like, yeah, yeah, okay, okay.

So, yeah, go to the pediatrician. So after all that, we go to the pediatrician. and by the way, we pushed this kid out the door. He's like, ha, ha, we get that IV out of him. Getting that IV out of him was the best thing that ever happened to me. Yeah, yeah. It's like a leash. You've got to cut him free.

Completely. He's like, I go to the park every day. I got toys. I got a fun house. What is this? Not only am I in a cage in a random building with beeping all the time. I can't move. Right.

He's shackled, literally shackled. At one point, he got out of the crib, and he tried to walk around, and he pulled the bag, the IV, and it fell over. I mean, it was, oh, it was the worst day of my, I got people texting me. How about this meme? And I'm like, get out of here. I got a baby here.

So it was brutal. Then we took him to the pediatrician. She was like, he's not getting anything from the inhaler. That's the problem. So we got this face thing, and he keeps doing this shit. Oh, yeah. We puff it, we puff it. We're like, eh, some of that probably went in.

Another was going in. So she gave us a different inhaler, and that's been helping. But he slept 14 hours. Wow. woke up today at like 9.30, which is crazy. He usually wakes up at 7. And then he's better. He's still coughing, but we puffed him twice. So, it's scary. So do they diagnose him with something? No. I think it's either broncholitis. Does that come up? Or it's asthma. And I think it's asthma because she has asthma. So I know that's not the funniest story, but it's the longest 12 hours of my life. Do they say, okay, going forward, when this happens, do this every day?

They say puff them, puff them. Puff him up. When he gets sick, which he is, which all kids get sick, he started a new daycare, it triggers it. Right. So when he's, like, it's viral. It's viral. Like, well, if it's viral, get the guy some medicine. They're like, now the body has to take it, take care of it.

Oh. I know, I know. It's really, you sit there, me and the wife just going, the health care system, all you hear about is the health care system. But, boy, is it true. Well, yeah, that's what's funky about it is like I don't, I feel like I want answers. Like, what happens, you know, in three weeks, if this happens again in the middle of the night? That's what I said. Do we go back to Brooklyn Hell Hospital?

I know. I guess we shoved the fucking silly thing in his face. And that's why I was so frustrated. It was like, what happens now? What do we do? We come back home and he gets sick again. They're like, yeah, that's good. That's a good question, Daddy.

I don't know, Daddy. So that's why I've lost my shit. Right. And I get they we're trying to help the kid. I'm not a retard. Like, hey, you're hurting him with the IV. I get that it's all nutrients and all that, but you have to factor in some sort of,

what's the word? Just pure trauma. We have to factor like this kid is going through it. Let's give them a minute. Maybe let's not do the blood testing with the needle directly after the IV. That's why bedside manner is so important. That's why it's so much better to be at a pediatrician or a doctor

because at the ER, they got to cure a fish, a chicken, a dog. It's just whatever comes in and they're dealing with psychos all day. They're working the midnight shift. Totally. So they don't have that empathy that's necessary with a kid, let alone a kid, a fucking a toddler. I know, I know. And I'm the ignorant parent who doesn't know anything. So I'm like, whoa, what's this?

What's that? And they're like, all right, asshole. We're taking his temperature. I'm like, that's a metal rod. Right. Well, I don't understand the temperature thing. But that's what the emergency room is such a nightmare. Again, particularly in a fucking city like this.

Yeah. Well, you get, you know, people take. private jets, people have private security. I, you know, me, I don't like to spend money. I will spend all the money in the world to get a guy, an old man with glasses and a tie on going, all right, come on over, I got it. Well, this visit's going to cost you all the money in the world. I know. He had his own room. They gave us breakfast in the morning. They gave us a teddy bear. I was like, that teddy bear is 10 grand. Yeah, you're going to get a bill for $75,000. And I don't have insurance. I mean, that's... That's all the other episode. But yeah, she hasn't.

Oh, okay, that's something. Yeah, yeah. We'll see. We'll see. Yeah, I mean, the most frustrating part is just that they're not like, oh, this is boobly boob, skibbby-boop. We still don't know. Take this and that because this could happen fucking tomorrow. I know, and he got back and he was wheezing again.

I was like, gah, I fucking flipped the table over. And then we'd take him with a pediatrician. And I was like, she's like, he seems fine. He seems fine. I'm like, he seems fine now. In an hour, he could be shit in blood. What do we do then? Every doctor's appointment I've ever had ever, you go in.

You're like, my, you know, my spleen's been making a noise. I'm not doing it now. I think you're fine. You're like, but it will as soon as I leave here, whatever it is. I've been shitting blood. Did you shit blood this morning? Not this morning, but yesterday. Well, I didn't do it this morning.

It's probably fine. You have to shit blood in front of them. They're like, ah, like, I flipped on the guy, and they were like, let's help this dude. And I'm like, I shouldn't have to flip. Right. You should help the guy, the kid immediately. Of course. So that's what was so frustrating.

And you go, hey, I hear all the people on the other side of the curtain. They're all psychos. they're all yelling at you. I'm not, I get what you're doing. I don't want to be that guy, but you're making me that guy. Right. So it's a really tough, it's a tough go. But, whoof.

You know, like, you want to do my pod? Like, get out of here. Right, right. Well, he seemed okay today. He's still quiet, but hopefully he'll be fine. I mean, so it may have it when she was little, little like this. Yeah, and Sarah was all fucked up for her whole life. Oh, yeah, she still got it.

But they say with a kid it tends to go away. Yeah, Sarah's. Totally fine now. She's like a distance runner. She even smoked as an adult for like 10 years. When she was a kid, she was in and out of the hospital all the time. All fucked up. Oh, that makes me feel better because she's normal now.

Yeah. Holy moly. And you got AI coming. That's true. That's true. AI will tell me a verdict. These guys won't even give me any fucking answers. Did you talk to Chatsy-B-T?

I didn't. I didn't want to be that guy. Oh, Chachy-B-T. They'll give you all the answers. Did broncholitis come up? Bronchiolitis. Thank you. Bronchial-eal.

Yeah, bronchial. That's the... That's Henry Hill. I looked up the thing about the thermometer, too. Yeah. And it says it's normal with infants and young children. It's way more accurate than using the gun, which you can use on adults. Later, they did the under the armpit.

I was like, we couldn't have done under the armpit 10 hours ago. Yeah. That's also like, well, how accurate do we need the temperature to be? I know. If the gun is a full degree off... Yeah, yeah. Can we do that instead of the asshole, fucking rod? And then I would ask, you know,

Once they got nicer the next morning, I'm on no sleep, I'm wonky. I go, can we take the IV out? I think he's had like five bags of IV. He's 30 pounds. And they go, yeah, let's leave the IV in. And I go, well, when can we take it out? They go, after the paperwork. And I go, when's the paperwork?

They're like, we're waiting on the paperwork. I'm like, can't we just do stuff? Why do we have to wait on the paperwork and all this? I don't know. The whole thing was hell, but it's over now. And I can't go back there. I'm traumatized. I just sit down with the wife and go, I am disturbed.

I was disturbed, Jerry. Wow. Well, it's going to be a hefty bill. That's going to be the most disturbing part. I guess so. Ivy for 12 hours. The real winner is the kid. He came out of there and he got home and he started playing.

And you're like, wow, I would be, I'd have to do a blog about it. I'd have to do a face and go, I'm not the victim. You know, he didn't have any of that. He's so, it's like he got out of prison. I mean, he's never been happier in his life. He's like Andrew DeFray and driving down the Pacific. Yeah. Say what to NEO?

Makes you realize how good you got. I know we got to wrap up, but, you know, sometimes like, I gotta give the kid a bath. Here we go. That'll take 30 minutes. Yeah, fishy. Yeah, sink the boats. I got it.

But then I was like, I love the bath. I can't wait to get back at the tub. I love you. I'll bathe anytime. I'll clean your ass, whatever you want. So we got it good. Makes you realize it. And lost a day of our lives.

But, whew, good health system we got here. And your mother-in-law hates you. So that's good. That's true. That's true. Maybe they'll leave. It'd be nice. Sorry, everybody.

Where are you going to be there? Yeah, where are we going to be? I don't know. I don't even know what fucking day it is. Two weeks. I know, but what day is that? Let's think of October 5th. All right.

Well, side splinters was great. I got Philly, Philadelphia Helium coming up, October 22nd to the 24th. Fill that out. That's exciting. Well, I didn't see him leave. I didn't see him leave either. But they're leaving. Yeah.

Maybe that's new. Anyways, Philadelphia Helium and, fuck, I don't know where else I'm going to be. Oh, Raleigh, North Carolina. That's coming up. Good nights. The special. I'm going to shoot the special in Madison, Wisconsin, January 22nd, the 24th. That's very exciting.

Let me look at my date here. I'm a fucking idiot. Same guys that did it last time. Derek and Willie. Oh, nice. Oh, fuck. Tour dates. Hold on. Hold on. My phone's not working. Everyone's already turned this off anyways. Who gives us shit? Good nights in Raleigh. Oh, the port in Baltimore. November 19th to the 21st. Oh, that's a fun room. I'm excited to do that one. And then rumors. I'm coming back to Winnipeg, January 14th to the 6th. God, my January, I got fucking rumor. Winnipeg, Madison, and Kansas City.

Woo, that's going to be cold. So go to that and then go to Punch Up and join our Patreon. We're doing some hot stuff. and we've got some exclusive stuff coming up right now that we just shot. It's exciting. Check out Joe's threesome video is on there. Oh, that's on there? The one you took from the hotel. Oh, yeah. The Austin threesome video is up on there. And the deer, the fucking bloodied up, shot deer will be in there, trigger warning.

Oh, yeah. The baby kids and cages, I got him in there. We'll put the blurred versions of the deer pictures on the episode. Yeah, we'll put the uncensored on the Patreon. There you go. Nice. That'll get them. Yeah. Come see a dead deer.

I'm in Portland. to Oregon and also San Jose. Boy, that needs some help. A couple shows there. Then I'm at Atlantic City and Charleston doing some theater down in South Carolina. That Palazzo in Vegas. Enrico Palazzo. Charlotte Funny Bo, Charlotte Comedy Zone in Charlotte and Verona, New York, Turning Stone Casino and Foxwood's Casino in Connecticut. What do you got? Chuckie Cheese. Check on my podcast. Fun Barrable. And if you're a tell them Steve Dave fan. Check out the Patreon because we,

I host a new show on there called Questions and Answers. And you guys will know what that's a reference to. But yeah, check it out. Patreon.com slash T-E-SD. Hey. T-D-S. Trump derangement syndrome.

Deggates and Coach to see all hell. Pray for the baby. Pray for the baby.