Tuesdays with Stories! - #677 Minnesota Nice

Episode Date: October 13, 2026

Joe goes on the Tunnels to Towers run and it becomes a homecoming debacle! Mark has no wifi to share with a vagabond! Joe has a chance meeting in Toronto! It's Tuesdays! Our Stuff: - https://www.patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - https://www.tuesdayspod.com - Upgrade your fall layers. Sign up as a VIP & get 70-80% off everything at https://fabletics.com/TUESDAYS - Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code TUESDAYS @ https://BlueChew.com/

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up.

And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah. This Tuesdays with Stories, everybody. No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy.

Radio is fitting at May. I did ask you. Hey, what do you think the best pod going in? Old TWS. Boy, we go back away, don't we? Well, it's September 13. Thank you. And so this is September.

So we're 13-year anniversary here. Wow. Which is unbelievable because I've been with my wife 15 years. I've been with you 13 years. I mean, it's pretty wild. Wow, we were friends before the pod. That's true, of course. But I mean a marriage here, a partnership.

Us or her? No, us. Okay, thank you. And I cheat on you way less. All right. I appreciate that. Ron On was a sidepiece for a minute. I could smell it on your dog.

It was all juey and fat. Well, how about the COVID times? I mean, I was doing 50 pods a day and still watching three movies a day. Yeah, you had no child all the time in the anal. This is why Zoom. Everyone hates the Zoom, but Zoom was wonderful. I'd pop on, do a podcast. I started six podcasts.

What did I care? And they all did crazy numbers because no one had anywhere to go or nothing to do. Yeah, it was pretty good. But it's true, the travel in this town is what kills you. Because you go, oh, I got to go to the grocery store. What's that? 20 minutes? Now you've got to walk there, shop, walk back, take a train, get an Uber.

It kills you. That's why Texas is going to be great. We'll have big boners, no pants, just close that computer. See you later. Yeah, yeah. The Zoom didn't make you sad. I hate sitting there. I hate it sitting there looking at my...

You see a dumb face in the corner. You go, oh, I hate that guy. Well, everything makes me sad. I'm sad all day, every day. Everything? Not everything, but I'm a sad guy. Well, those two things make me sad. Yeah, that's true.

They both mistreated. Yeah, they both take a big missile. Yeah, my asshole's being abused. Uh-oh, what was that face? The Iron Dome. Don't make the faces. Go poker. Because we're over here trying to...

record. We're talking shit off air and then all of a sudden this is what I see in the corner of my eye. Yeah. Come on. What the fuck? We're talking about Jews and anal here. We're trying to have a good time. Be silly. You make that face. It makes me think there's a new news story of us

saying the N-word on CBS. No more telegraph. I won't. Yeah. Just... All right. Just keep texting. And feel free to laugh, smile if we're saying something funny. Say hello. Remember the Shelby days? That was rough. Those were good times.

That was rough. I mean, he did not a T-He, never said ha. I miss him every day. Remember I had to call him and be like, you hate us? Yeah. Put it on the line, just say it. That's true. He was like, I like the show. I'm a fan.

It's very funny. Yeah, I'm like, what is wrong with you? Yeah, what is wrong with him? Ah, there's a mountain of molehills over there. I don't know. But he'd be like this. I know. And then I'd go to his Twitter and it'd be like tweeting at like Topalo being like, you

racist piece of shit. And I was like, oh, God. And Lord knows what we're saying before the cameras start rolling. Yeah. What a crazy concept to go on Twitter and fight with other comics about things that aren't appropriate. But I got to tell you, I respect it. Or I read that from Shelby. I was like, Shelby's a little firecracker. Oh, he's a cracker. I mean, I, you know, obviously I love Nick, but Shelby would say a lot of things I was thinking, but I'd be like, you got it, Nick? They sure are. Sure, yeah. And Shelby would be like, fuck you, you. The place is crawled with.

them. We've got to get rid of them. But, yeah, we miss you, Shelby. A great big part of the show, and he never, ever, ever made a T-shirt with our photos on it. Ah, great big of us. Yeah, the T-shirt. When are those coming out? Oh, the new ones?

Not the new one. Remember he made the photo with the three of us and said the three best friends. Oh, the best friend. Yeah, that was awkward. No, that was a great Christmas joke. That was funny. It was funny. I think it was funny. It's a bit. It was pretty funny. But that's a good idea for his shirt. If we can get permission from Shelby, Just a Shelby Mugshot t-shirt.

Whoa. I have it say the good old days. Yes. We just have Shelby. Sink ships. But there's a new shirt. Do you want to tease it? You're not ready to tease.

We can tease. I just, I'm having, I realized last time we did this, I paid you guys, and then I had to pay taxes on all the shirts. Ah. Sounds pretty good to me. Everything, yeah. Everything's something. Every time, show, you've come up with something. Chuck's like, by the way, you owe me $17,000.

First of all, I didn't even ask you for it. Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah, he just passed him aggressively brought it up later. It came out eventually. No, I'm saying, this is why I'm trying to figure it out. I see. I can't.

I talked to my tax guy when I sold all those, and he's like, you've got to pay tax in every state on this. Wow. Every state that ordered one. And I don't think that's true, whatever. I don't understand taxes. I don't get it. Dallas, Texas.

Can I tell you something? And this is not, I don't want to sound out of touch. Like, hey, what do I care of money? I'll take all my money. But I was like this when I was poor. People say this sometimes. They're like, oh, you just buy. baseball take. It must be nice, but I'm like, well, when I had no money at all, I was blowing all my money on

sports tickets. That's true. So with taxes, they're like, did you pay this guy for this? Do you have your gas toll for this? And I'm like, just, I'll eat shit. Right. I'd rather not do the thing. I'll pay extra in taxes. Same. I'll pay extra in taxes. Take my money. Bomb a foreign country. Yes. Fill a pothole. Whatever you do. Whatever you want to do, it's not worth saving the bucks to be. He'd be like, well, I paid Matt Ruby for my, my Cess Show, 11 bucks. Let me find that receipt. Let me get him to sign a paper. Time is money.

That all takes time. And then you're spending money on it. They're like, what's your phone bill, your fuck thing, your dick swat? I don't care. I don't care. Take the money. Leave me out of it. And it's not because I don't care about money.

I just, my brain with the paperwork. I'm to say the numbers, the crunching, the dash, the colon. Oh, it drives me nuts. They're like, did you pay this person for that person, this thing, for this thing? I'm like, I don't give a shit. Can't do it. Can't do it. That's why, you know, the old days, you're like, all right, I'll take a bus to the A train,

then I'll get on a hang glider, and your friend's like, pay the $18 for an Uber. Right. You know, you buy that cheap plane ticket six months in advance, then you wake up at 430, and you're like, ah, I would kill. I would pay $1,000 to sleep five more minutes. Well, I've said this for years. I should always just buy the most expensive thing because I buy tickets to the blue. This just happened.

I was at the Blue Jays game. We'll get into that. Go Jays. Buy tickets for the thing. And I'm like, I can't spend that much money. That's crazy. We'll sit in the 14th row. And then the day of, I'm like, no, let's get tickets down there.

And then I end up having four tickets to the thing because I should have just bought the crazy thing. It's the same with flights. You're like, I'll buy Comfort Plus. And then the day of. You don't get the upgrade, and you're like, fuck me hard. I would love to give an extra hundred bucks to be up there. Sure, sure, yeah. I do that with leather jackets.

I have, like, six leather jackets because they weren't perfect. Leather jackets. So then I got a thing with leather jackets. I'm trying to find the right one, the white whale. Uh-huh. So I bought all these jackets, and then I found one that's finally perfect, and it was $1,500. And I'm like, I can't spend $1,500 on a jacket. But if you look at my closet, it's a bunch of gays.

Oh, yeah. It's a bunch of leather jacket. jackets it'd probably equal out to like three grand. Right. I could have just bought the perfect one. $1,500 is not even that much for a leather jacket. I think some jackets are like $12,000, aren't they? Yeah, but I could get a nice moped for $1,500.

I know, I'm just thinking, I remember I told this story when it happened, when we were doing that silly British TV show. Oh, whack-a-mole. What was that called? I have no idea. Pop and lock. It was something. Oh, jerking off.

Jerk me a hard daddy? Something like that. What? No. Joking. Joking off. Circle joke. Joking off.

That was fun. That's where Luke Monos and I fell in love. But I went out to London. I was up early and no one was around. I was like, I'm going to go buy an outfit for the TV program. This will be fun. I went to one of these places. They serve whiskey.

It's a guy, a couple homos. And I tried on the clothes and the t-shirt. I sound like Cosby. I put on the t-shirt and the coat. So I put on the stuff. And then I went in and tried it on. the best thing I've ever seen, and I was texting with Sarah's sister because she was awake. I was like, what do you think of this?

She's like, that's great. You look great. You got to get it. Scoobbly boop. They wrap it up. They put it in tinfoil. I hand in the box. The guy goes, boop, beep, beep, beep.

All right. That's $8,900. And I was like, oh, what? And the T-shirt was $250. The jacket was $7,000. Whatever it was. And I almost bought it because I had been through the whole thing. I know.

sheer embarrassment. Of course. Oh. And I finally had to be like, I'm so sorry, I can't do it. Yeah. It's like, what? It's a pump of smoke.

You're gone. But that's how stressful it is. You just feel like I can't not fucking buy this. I tried it on. They put it up. They wrapped it up. They folded it. But it was $8,000.

That is cuckoo bananas. Who's going in there for a t-shirt for $2.50? And not even a jacket like a rain jacket. Like, this is like a jacket you wear once a month or something. Yeah, light zip up. I told you the old story. I went to the Hong Kong Taylor. What are you holding boy?

And I goes, Hong Kong Taylor, best tailor in the country, Zing, ding dong, ching chong. And I said, you got it. I pop in there with a shit suit I got from the thrift store, but the suit had something. I liked the suit, but it didn't fit. So I go, yes. So I go, I'll take it to the Hong Kong,

and this guy will snip it up and make it look like a great suit. It'll fit me. So I walk in there like David Byrne, you know, I got the big suit flopping off me, and he goes, oh, he hits a gong, he does a pellet on the floor, he does his whole thing, and then, you know, I come, he pops up, and there's all these chalk marks on my suit, and he's got the pins in here, he's got the pins in his mouth, he's doing the whole thing. Chuck mock. Yeah, I had some socky, and then he goes, all right, that'll be 600-something.

I'm like, 600-something, the suit was five bucks. and he was like, yeah, well, you want the Hong Chong Ching-Tay, you got to pay it. And I said, all right, let me just, I want to make a phone call. And I ran out of there. Ran with the shock all over me. Well, that happens sometimes because you don't know what's going to be what until when. Yeah. I'm all, my rods and cones are screwed up.

Well, we went to buy a couch one time. And I was like, our price range is $3 to $500. I didn't know what a couch costs. Couches are crazy now. And the guy was in a suit. it was like, you know, Alan Edmonds or some, whatever the fuck it is. And the guy's like... Big Al.

$400. He's like, that's what like a hobo Joe wear. Right. A couch is like two grand. I didn't know that. Oh, couch's crazy. You don't want to know that green piece of shit up there, Costas. We're back!

Hey! Sorry, we had to make a quick cut there. And can I just, let me just pull back the curtain. Yeah, beef curtain. The reason we stopped, Chuck had a big idea. that was Mark's idea eight minutes ago. Thank you.

It was crazy. I said, everybody laughed at me. Jack, don't say the word. I can't. Oh, sorry, sorry. Cut that motherfucker right there.

All right, all right. Well, I threw a nugget out there. Yeah. Planted the seed. No. Mark was like,

hey, you know what we ought to do? We ought to do this. And then in the middle of the episode, Chuck's like, let's pause. We'll edit this out. I just came up with an idea. We'll do fucking the thing

that Mark said a half hour ago. It's a pivot. All right, a pivot. Jeremy pivot. I was thinking. Have you moved your foot? I got a little... Thank you.

What were we talking about? I don't know. Oh, your fat couch. Uh-huh. Yeah, the expensive couch. Yeah, yeah. Well, the chair, expenses. Taxes.

It all started with taxes. Yeah, yeah. What we're trying to figure out now. Taxes, it's one of these things, too, that you get the extension. It always just feels like something will never come. I know. Like April's bearing down on you. You don't respond to an email from your accountant.

Yeah. I'm like, I can't handle the numbers and the jizz. No. And they go, well, don't worry, we'll get you an extension. You're like, woo, that's over. And that's September, they're like, hey, fuckface. Right. And again, it's just, I'm like, just take it all.

Well, this goes back to my youth. I remember when I first got an ATM card, a bank card. And I would go to the ATM and I go, oh. And my friend would go, how are you looking? How's your, you know, checking? And I go, I can't look at that. He goes, you don't know what you have? I go, I don't know and I don't want to know.

I never want to know. And now when we have the same money guy, he'll send us a bill or be a bill, and he's like, this is your current invoice. I don't even look at it. I can't. And it's not because I'm like, oh, the money's meaningless. I just go, I can't. And my buddy, who works with the Bodega Cat, he's like, your money guy is crazy expensive.

I know. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, I did two things with him, and he charged me five grand. I was like, oh, God, what's he charged me? Well, we got a few people that have, like, fired this guy. Like, I wouldn't be cut dead with that guy. Yes. Same.

And, yeah, it's like every three weeks. like, hey, you just owe us this amount. And I'm like, all right, there you go. Same here. So I don't know what's what. I'm a fucking idiot. Fuck me hard in the ass. But I like him.

I like him too. And then you can't change. You're going to change a guy. Then it's more money. I know. More stuff. And then he talked to one guy and he's like, you use that guy? He's a crook.

And I'm like, he is? I've been using it for 20 years. Shit. But this is a thing. I was bonding with Lewis J. Gomez over this. Hey, love the gome. We were born five days apart. where we both have J's and L's in our name.

We're both buff and strong and tough. Puerto Rican. We're both hilarious. All right. And so we were talking about ADD, and he goes to the ADD people. I never went to any ADD people, but what he's describing, I'm like, obviously, I have ADD. I mean, you can listen to the show. But I think this is a big ADD thing, or ADHD, whatever.

Like, I see laundry in the corner of my room. it makes me feel physically ill. I don't know how to organize it or get it done. It's the same with an email. There's an email. It's like, can you sign this? It makes my brain go, I can't do it.

See, I'm with you with the email because someone else is relying on me or worried about me or needs something. The laundry is my problem, and I can handle that. But to me, it's like a pie. It's like, I know I need to fix that, but I can't get to it right now because I've got these other things I'm trying to do.

Or mail. Like I see a male on the table with, like, state of New York. I'm like, ah, I can't. Oh, that's tough. Future's. Open it or look at it. I'm all fucked up with it. Yeah, I get the same thing.

My dad goes, you got health care? I go, I'll get health care. I went to Obamacare. I went, peep, beep, beep, beep. Obama care. This is a while ago. That's for poor people. Is that right?

I believe so. I was poor at the time. I mean, I was living in squalor. I see. This is years ago. So I go, all right, let me get this Obamacare. I'm black. here we go, and I voted for them, whatever.

So I got the website queued up, and I feel, you know, it says like, one of eight, two of eight, five of eight. I'm like, I'm getting closer. I'm getting closer to the end. It's so many things, and I've got to get a tax ID number and a what the fuck, baboo. Final, I get to eight, eight of eight.

I hit, submit, or whatever, and it goes, error, error, and it brings you all the way back to that red box. and you've got to fill out that red beaver. You get that little red beaver. No man in the world. Turn that down. So it says, a maiden name or whatever.

What's your height or something? How much do you weigh? You lactose intolerant. And I go, oh, I know this. Boop, poop, pooh. Go all the way back. Submit. Error.

And I'm like, I'm out. I just didn't have health care for 20 years. I still don't have it. Yeah. I've had that many times. You can't do a thing again. If something crashes, forget about it. Oh, forget it.

But that's why the lady is good. You get the fat whore from Ohio who's going, oh, sugar, I got you here. I know the problem. Facing Becca. But yeah, so that's why AI sucks. You need the whore. Right.

Yeah. Well, this is the thing with my wife, because I remember Nick DiPaolo, going back to DePaolo, his wife was like, she used to be a tax lady. Oh. An accountant or an IRS, some kind of shit. I don't know what any of it is,

Erwin R. Scheister. And she would do all his tax stuff. So I try to get Sarah does it. She does help, but she also has stuff going on and has a hard time. So you're like, could you do this? I know. Because, you know, I did the rent and the insurance and the thing. The mortgage and the baby.

It reminds me of Derek. Derek makes me laugh. He goes, every Christmas, he's like, I'm supposed to say to my wife. Put me down for the house. It's time to buy gifts. I know. Exactly. Put me down for the house and both the cars and the insurance and every meal.

Yeah. Put that down. That's my good. There you go. I love it. It's like, I got to do that. And I got to go buy you a pair of socks. I know.

The house. You got a shelter here with a roof and a drain and a pipe. Merry Christmas. Flush the toilet whenever you want. Yes, it's all pipes. Don't worry about the snow landing on your head when you're sleeping. The roof. You know, you hit that switch and the light come on.

Click. Right here, bitch. Old Tommy Yetty. I had a fun idea for a, I just had a birthday pass. And the lady's like, what do you want? And I go, I want you to forget about one fucked up thing I did. That would be my gift. That's not bad. Like a men in black.

Yes, yes. It's just wipe it clean. Like, let it go. I don't want a couch or a dog or a pony. Give me a wipe. Yeah, you don't want a dog and pony show. But now what? So she's bringing up old things here and there? I think that's just women do that. You know, they go, oh, you remember that time you ate out my dad? And you're like, well, let's get rid of that for the birthday.

I see. I'm pretty good. My wife's not, she doesn't do too much. I do so many new things that she doesn't worry about the old things. Ah, that's good. She's like, get the shit underwear off my pants or whatever. See, the laundry I can deal with. It sucks. Got to get up, put it in the dryer, the washer, put the bullshit in, close it. Beep, boop, poop, poop.

That I can deal with. Well, you know what it is? It's not the dirty laundry so much because that you just put in a bag. I drop it off. What I have a problem with is getting the clean laundry back and then taking out eastby and putting it in the drawer and organizing the drawer. Yes, yes. So then what I have is a fresh laundry. bag next to my bureau and this idea of like sitting and spending 20 minutes or whatever it is

taking the socks and putting them in the sock drawer and the t-shirt plus we're on the road so much that you're like I just want to grab a few shirts and throw them in the suitcase and then unpacking that's another thing like getting back from the road packing is a bitch and you're just like I'm going to go in and take out the shirt and put it back in the drawer and then put the thing yeah it fucks with my brain. But different people are capable of different things. But is that ADD or is that discipline? Well, it's going to take some discipline to get your ass to stand there and do it. Yeah, you don't want to do it, but you got to do it.

Right. But then the discipline thing, see, this is what people will do, and then that becomes a self-criticism. Because to say I'm not discipline doesn't really make sense, because I'm like, I'm with my kid all day, every day. I've done five specials. in six years. I've made three movies in five years. So it's like, there's discipline there. I'm going to the gym every day. Oh, okay. There's a million other things. I haven't drank in 14 years. That's true. So there's those things. So to be like, well, I got no discipline is just a criticism that actually makes it harder because then you go, you piece of shit fucking idiot. Which I'm doing anyways all the time, even with all these accomplishments. Right, right. So, that's what I tell myself. I'm like,

Oh, you're a lazy fuck. That's why you haven't vacuumed. Right. But maybe that's not true because I'm doing other shit. Yeah, you do another shit. Well, that's the thing is your brain, I can only focus on so many things.

And I have this thing, too, where I'm working on this. But I hate myself until I get all the things accomplished. Yes. And I have no trust in myself that I'll get the things done. I know. So I wake up and I'm like, I got to send three emails. I got four texts. I got to write this joke.

I got to finish this script. I got to do two. podcast, you bag a shit. And then at 8 p.m., I'm like, huh, I did so much today. I feel great. Why can't it eight in the morning? I go, oh, you'll get it all done. You know, it feels great. Yeah, relax.

Instead, I'm like, you fucking should kill yourself, you fucking homosexual. I'm the same way. I'm at lunch with Salakuse. We're at a diner yesterday. I got a plate of meatloaf. We got a waffle on the table. And I can see my phone going, you know, just lighting up, lighting up, lighting up. And I go, oh, that's two texts there.

Oh, gee, I think three just gave it. Is that four, five, six? And he's chatting away about Cornell rape. And I'm like, ah, geez, all right, yeah. And he goes, just do it. Just answer it. So it's like, okay. But why can't I finish the conversation and then just knock it all out?

Right. My anxiety is getting raised and raised every text. It's all the same kitten caboodle. It's anxiety and panic and ADD and the thing. Yeah, well, he asked me to have breakfast. He's like, I'm in your neighborhood. But the thing is, I love Salekuse. best hang in the biz, but I'm like, well, I got a podcast at 11.

I know, I know. The kids in school for five hours. I have exactly two hours, and I got five projects. I get it. If I have breakfast with you, that's all that time. And then the podcast is all this time. Now I have no time to do all those things that's going to pile up. I'm going to shoot myself in the tips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know. I know. I got the friend in town right now. What are you up to? He's sitting at home like this. I am bored out of my mind. And I'm like, I can't have, I don't have, I had to take my kid to school.

Then we do the pod. you got a minute, like, I'll brush my teeth. Right. I got about 30 minutes. I'll brush my teeth. I'll do some push-ups. I'll post a clip for Sam. That's filled up now.

Right. But he's sitting there going, what the hell's this guy doing? I want to get lunch. This is what gets confused. This is what's hard with comedy, too, because you have time. Then it all of a sudden I'm like,

all right, I have this amount of time because the kids at school. I got the podcast this time. I'm like, I want to do 30 things. And I end up being like this. Yeah, yeah. I'll just shit my pants and stare at the window where it's like if I had one thing to do, I would do the one thing.

Yeah, yeah. But I got eight things, so I can't decide which one. So my brain gets retired. The bureau's overflowing, and I got shit in my underwear. And not just, what do I do? You go, I got all this shit to do. Let me look at my phone. Right.

Because that'll kind of be a pacifier. Right. You know, they did a study. Birth rates dropped at a certain year in the world. Not just America, the world. Sure. And they figured out what it was. Huh.

Take a guess. Smart phones. You got it. The year they came out, birth rates dropped. Interesting. And it's because people used to be like, oh, I have a kid. That'll be exciting. It'll be a new experience.

That'll be something we can share. And then you have a smartphone and you go, I got something to do. It's a subconscious. You're like, I got dopamine all day over here. But there's also less meeting and falling in love and all that too, right? That too, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I forgot about that. That's why I This is a long shot And feel free to kick me in the balls here Faddy I'd love to kick you in the balls All right At least when we had vices In our youth

You had to go somewhere And interact with people Like porn I had to go to a video shop Or borrow it from you Right Weed, we sat in a circle We smoked weed

Now weeds is a vape pen Right It's all individual And then a gambling You have to go to a casino Or have a poker game With a bunch of buddies Right

So at least you're doing a vice but it was a group thing. It was interactive. Well, that's what people talk about, which I don't fully understand. I think of the death of the third space they call. There's home and work, and then the other place.

I don't know. That's a big one. Yeah, the third man or the third wheel or the threesome. Yeah, I'd love to have a threesome. Think about it all day every day. Hi, folks. It's Joe List and Mark Norman here with Tuesdays with Stories podcast.

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Thanks to Blue Chew for sponsoring the pod and the bedroom. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Back to the show. Go get wood. Well, let's get into some stories. We're halfway down. We haven't even done shit about Shinola. I'm sure everyone will be upset about all this.

I'm sure. But by the way, can I say this real quick? Uh-oh. People too, they'll comment like, oh, it must be hard. Must be this. We're not saying this is harder than roofing. I'm sure your life is harder. guy that complains about this.

You're listening to us talk. This is what our lives are. This is the show you chose. Yes. And this is much easier than my brother-in-law who's crawling through an HVAC

and he can't walk and his fingers are all cut up. Yeah. I'm grateful. Yeah. But this is what's going on in my life. My brain is all whacked out because I'm writing two scripts

and have a podcast and stand-up comedy. Yeah. This is not me going, you think you have it hard, firemen? I know. Yes, that's hard. That's harder.

Jesus Christ. Two things can be true. These are the things that are happening. And speaking of firemen, I ran the tunnels to towers race Sunday. What's this? And I cried like a little homo. We were talking about crying in front of people. Luckily, it was raining.

So the tunnel since you know about this tunnels to towers business? No, no. Is that a Jew thing? Big, no, no. It's funny because both sides of this war are all tunnels. I know. I thought the same thing. Hamas is all tunnels.

They have that in common. They should come together on the tunnels. And where were the Jewish tunnels in New York, right? Yeah, they're all over there under the house right now. Yeah. Under the floorboards, like glorious bastards. They really, everyone really started making fun of the Jew tunnels, but Hamas was all tunnels. Yeah, but there's something funny about coming out of a manhole with a top hat and the yarmulka going, ooh, glattva.

Well, it's like, what's that thing where people get mad when you do the thing? When white people play Asian people. Culture appropriation. Yes, it's like cultural appropriation. Who started the tunnel? Who owns this land and who came up with tunnels? The Italians said at first with Super Mario. Yeah, they were in the pipes, Jerry.

Run around, eating balls. So anyway, so tunnels to towers. I got the hoodie here, as a matter of fact. There it is. Look at that guy running through. How many hoodies you got? You got about 9,000 hoodies? I got a lot.

Well, I went and, you know, I like to spend and buy things. And then when you go to a store that's charity for the firemen, I'm like, give me a box of those, give me one of those, give me a handful of those. Hey, it looks good on you. I spent $850 bucks at the tunnels to towers because I was like, I'm buying one for Uncle Dale, one for Uncle Doug. And then I did this thing. It says men's women. It doesn't say men's women. It says medium large.

And Uncle Dale and Uncle Doug, they got huge cocked with their little guys. So I bought each a couple mediums because these are Massachusetts Firemen. I'll get them a couple shirts. They all love the fire shirt. Sure. Got a medium. I get home. I bought ladies' mediums. The thing's the size of my dick. It wouldn't fit on my son. Oh, no. Ladies.

So Dale's like, I'll wear it. It'll be like body suit. What do I care? He'll rip through it. Yeah, cut the sleeves off. So now if you're a medium lady out there, send me a nude, and I'll send you a photo. Hey, it's a win-win. So Toto's the Towers, I'm sure you've heard about it. It's one of these things that it's not registering your brain. But now that you've heard it, you'll see it all over. Can't wait. So there was a guy named Steven Siller.

This fireman. Siller buddy. He was a, you know, he's a husband, father of five. And he worked in Brooklyn, shift ends, morning in 9-11, whatever. They did at 24. He finishes at 8 o'clock in the morning, whatever. jumps in his truck. He's heading to go meet his brothers to go golfing.

Radio scanner. Oh, we got a fucking world trade center tower. Oh, boy. Crazy fucking lunatics flew into the tower. So he turns around. He drives over to the Hugh Kemp. Carrie, not to be considered, Drew Carey, the tunnel. Uh-huh, Hugh Grant.

They go, hey, tunnel's closed, pal. We got 9-11 happening here. Whoa. Get out of here. So he goes, well, that's not going to fly with me. We got a big fire, and then my brothers are there. So he pulls over the truck, grabs 60 pounds of equipment. Grabbs a hose and a hat and a boot and a thing and a shovel.

Whoa. Just runs through the tunnel. Come on. I mean, he's jogging through the tunnel. He's got the helmet and the hat and the gloves and the business. That's going to be a mile and a half. half. It's like three miles.

Whoa. It's long. So he runs all the way there. Three miles with the equipment. And the fumes coming at you. Gets over there, runs up in the building. Fucking, the tower collapses. He fucking dies tragically.

No, after all that running. He's dead. He's a moleman. So they recreate the run every year. Oh. And this year, 25th anniversary. So there was 30,000 people running this race. What?

In that tunnel? In the tunnel? Well, they have to do You got to do waves. You got to do the first runners and the handicapped runners and the black runners and the Asian runners. It's almost like sperm going through. The fallopian tubes. Oh, yeah. And I'm jizz, baby.

So it's a big, big thing. And it ends in my neighborhood now. Because the World Trade Center is right there. So you come through Battery Park and it's beautiful. And it's like a fireman festival. There's a concert. They shut down Vessi Street. There's bands playing. They got the fireboats go in. And

It's just firemen as far as the eye can see. Oh, the women must be creaming. And cops, and there's hot women, because they're running. So you go there, and it's one of those things I'm like, I got to be part of this. And then my wonderful wife, I'm like, you should run too. And she's like, you know, classic wife shit. We love the wives. But she's like, yeah, yeah, I'll do that.

And I'm like, well, we've got to get a babysitter because it's, you know, seven o'clock in the morning. All right, yeah, yeah, at Saturday. Oh, I'll text my niece. All right, she's good to go. Now, where do I sign up for this thing? And I'm like, all right, let me go check. Sold out 30,000 people. It's the 25th anniversary.

Sold out six months ago. Of course. I'm like, it's a big deal. Yeah. It's 9-11. 20th anniversary. World Trade Center. Yeah.

So she's out. So now... Lucky her. And I wanted to get my sister and my uncles to all come down, but everyone's, you know, busy and schedule and the money and the business. So now I'm just going by myself. which is a weird kind of bummer because you're like, it's this big family group fundraise thing

and everybody's doing it with the whole fire department. I'm running for my uncle. The whole family runs together, and I'm just this solo dickwad. And now the other thing is, the amazing thing is it ends in my neighborhood, which is awesome. That's huge.

You finish the race in your home. Yes. But can you get the wife out there waving you in? That'd be nice. Well, we'll get to that. Uh-huh. So it's a big Nor'Easter. So now the weather, it's raining, it's wind, it's hurricane.

Right. So you're like, well, this sucks ass. And it's like dark and dank in the morning. Ugly. And you've got to leave early because there's so many people running. The race starts at 9.30, but you've got to be in your carousel, whatever the fuck it's called, your section area. I see. At 8.30.

So you've got to get over to Jersey. No, Brooklyn. I got it. Brooklyn. It's in Red Hook. Ah. But the tunnel's close. You can't take the train.

You can't take a car. And I was like, maybe I'll bike. But then I got to ride with my helmet. I don't want to run a race with my helmet. Yeah, but that guy, he ran a race with all the equipment. Well, half the people are running in fire equipment. Wow. So I'm like, I've got to figure out how to get here.

And now it's pouring rain and hurricane wins. But you can't complain because the whole thing is about a guy who carried 60 pounds to his certain death. It's a good point. Which also, by the way, there's a philosophical argument to have here. where you're like, you have five kids. You ran into a building. Like, now your kids have no... That's true.

But I guess, you know, that's who they are. You get to go, hey, my dad's a hero. That's nice. That's something. But... That's a real estate guy. There's got to be moments where his wife is like, boy, I really wish you didn't do that. Yeah.

Could have handed the hose to one of the fatherless... Handed hose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a whole other bag of hammers. Sure. anyway, so I wake up It's pitch black and you're like All right, so you didn't sign up

So I guess I'm just head out in the rain In wind and dark She's probably like woo Dodge that bullet And then I have like no plan how to get there There's a ferry but then the ferry line is crazy So I jumped on the train I took Bowling Green out to Brooklyn

Get off at Borough Hall Oh, right in my neck And you come out and it's just like Rain coming in sideways Yeah So then it's fun so you're like How do we get over there? There's tons of security because it's a big security target.

Who wouldn't want to blow up 30,000 people on the anniversary of 9-11? I know a couple people. So I go over there. I find the bus stop. You walk over the bus. My glasses are all foggy and rainy and gay. Oh, yeah. And then you find a few other people that have the shirts on.

I'm like, okay, there's a fire. This guy's got a shirt. So this is, I'll join these people. Now we're talking. So then you become part of this thing. You're like, do you know what bus? This bus? Get on the bus.

The bus shows up. The bus driver pops off. everybody before you get on know this we're rerouted because of the storm and the event I can all I'll get you as close as I can't you want to transfer to the number 58 bus oh I hate a trans it's like forest cuffs so we all get on and we're like okay so everyone's buzzing are you gonna get on where we get on where you get on but it's kind of fun

because it's this sense of community okay we're back everybody's wet and sloshy shoes all right you take the 58 now I'm the New Yorker here so I'm like don't worry guys I'll figure it out and I'm like looking at the map being like Oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah. So then he's the guy, the bus driver goes, there he is. There's the bus we need to transfer him. Okay.

He goes, I'll try to catch him. Can't catch him. But we're chasing him. It's like speed. Wow, Rosa Parks. He leaves, and he goes, you know what? Is everybody going to the race? And there's like one black guy that just lives in Brooklyn.

He's like, nah. And I'm like this poor guy. And he's like, all right, well, I'll get you. You let me know where you need to go. Yeah. But I'll get you guys as close as I can. And everyone goes, yeah, 9-11. Love it.

So we go through, and he's getting as close as we can. And he goes, all right, this is as close as I can get you. Everybody gets off. And, you know, they go, okay, we're going to go. And then you're going to walk all the way around. But as you're going, there's these big, more and more firemen are joining, and cops are joining, and families are joining, and women in hot yoga pants. And it takes forever to get there. And it becomes bonding because the weather is so insane.

Yes, yes. So finally you get there. And I'm like, okay, I made it in plenty of time. I pissed in the outhouse. I text my firefighter uncles. They go, yeah, we don't give a shit, you homo. So that's not true. So then we get up in there, and now you've got to be there at 8.30 for a 9.30 race.

And now this is the time where it's painful. Yeah. Because it's raining. It's cold. It's windy. And every single person is with their husband, their dad, their dog, their family. Our whole family runs. Our whole crew runs.

There's all these British firemen. This firemen from California. This cops from New England. Holy moly. And I'm just like this. Well, there's something cool about that, though. Hey, I'm, I don't need the family. I'm here on my own volition, mofo.

Maybe you're right. So I'm in this Howard Stern rabbit hole, which we talked about because I never listened to it. I'm just doing all this old back catalog. So good. Guy is funny, but also a horrible bag of shit. He's a mean, mean hebe. So I'm watching the Anna Nicole Smith, which is one of the worst things I've ever seen. This is why he flipped.

So everyone's here. Everyone's just going, oh, I remember that fire? Remember that night? Let's give love to Bobby, RIP, this person. And I'm sitting like this. Just watching Howard Stern called Anna Nicole Smith, the fat cat. for like an hour. I'm like, what a horrible human being.

This lady's dead now. What a very New York day, though. You're celebrating 9-11. You're in Red Hook. You're watching Howard Stern from the 80s. Which is funny because the stern rabbit hole all started from the 9-11 episode. Whoa. Weird.

So now I'm in a stern back catalog watching Artie and all that stuff. Oh, so good. So I'm sitting there and Guy Fieri comes out and Dave Portnoy. It's a whole thing. And you're just kind of like, I'm trying to be present and part of it. And that people are, luckily, I wore pants, a long-sleeved shirt, and a rain jacket. There's people in shorts and T-shirts like, oh, boy, North Easter. But again, nobody can complain because we're doing the thing for the firemen.

Yes, yes. But it takes a special group of quefs to show up here. You got the Nor East, you got the early morning, you got the bus fiasco, and you guys got through all of it. Yeah, it was pretty fun and pretty sweet. And then you're trying to really put your head in the space of, Here's a man who has his children, just finished his shift, is going golf. It could easily just go, oh, fuck, that's crazy. Let me go golf.

I did my shift. I did my thing. Got five kids. And he could go, well, the tunnel's closed. Let me, you know, I'll volunteer tomorrow. I'll go pick up the dust and the search and rescue. But this guy said, people need help. I'm going now.

So you're putting yourself in this space and time and moment. finally the race started. We stood up for like an hour and 15 minutes. Now here's the other thing. I've been a runner my whole life. But I walked two miles to get here and then stood for 80 minutes. Standing will kill you. Standing for an hour and a half before a race.

You're like, I'm sore as a boil over here. Finally the race starts. You go straight into the tunnel. I'll show you the photo we can post it, but like, I'm behind a guy in full fire outfit with the pants and the boots and the jacket and the hat. Wow. And so it brings it home. It makes you feel real.

You're like, this is him. This is the guy. You got curious George in front of you. It's unbelievable. So you run through the tunnel. Now, this is the other fun thing real quick is, I have a runner's app that tells you your time and distance and your thing. And so I'm running for a while. And I check, I'm like, let me see where I'm at.

And because I'm in the tunnel, there's no reception. So it says 0.73 miles. So I'm like, I've only gone three quarters of a mile. Man, that's, I'm running slow today. But I didn't realize at the time there's no phone receipts. So my app was all squirrel. Ah, squirrelly app. So five minutes later, I come out of the tunnel and there's the finish line.

I'm like, oh! Hey! But it's amazing your brain believes what it's told. Yeah. I've been running for whatever it is, 15 minutes. I've run two miles, but my phone's like, it's only been three quarters of miles. You're like, oh, that's weird, but I guess why would my phone lie? Exactly.

So anyways, we come out. And then the nice thing is the tunnel, it's dry and warm in the tunnel. It's actually hot as fuck. I was sweating my ass off. Yeah. Then you come out and you're like, oh, I forgot it's a bad. pouring rain and windy. Ah, brickroom.

You're coming up the West Side Highway, and now all the firemen are holding big posters of every fireman that died. Oh, my Lord. That's not what you want to see. So you come out and you're recreating these steps. I'm looking at all these headshots of all these fallen firemen,

and like I said, it's raining, but you've got the tears and the goosebumps and the dick. And then you're just looking at the World Trade Center, at the New World Trade Center, and you're like, this is what this guy was looking at, except on fire, and smoking. You're right. And these are the last steps and moments of his life,

but he kept going. He must have been thinking about his kids, but the people in the building, and just a big emotional roller coaster. Of course. And now I'm looking for my wife and son who are coming out to root me on, and so I'm looking over here.

I'm looking at the fallen fireman over here. I'm looking for my kid over here, and I can't see the kids. So I just keep looking at the firemen, finished the race. Great time. Beautiful. Everyone's high-fiving. All right. We just got outside. Where are you? Well, I'm finished. And of course, Marty's like, we went to the race. We didn't see you. Where were you? And I'm like, well, you know. This is your own personal 9-11. You're out in the rain. You're tired. You can't find your family. You're lost. I know. But anyways, so I went home, got dried off, and I bought $800 worth of stuff.

There you go. Is it the run free? No, it's cost money. Okay. And then I had a team and I fundraise, but nobody, I put it on Insta Stories. Nobody gave a shit. This one's amazing about New York. I know you're moving to Corpus Christi or whatever.

But you got this town with all this shit happening. I didn't even know any of this was going on. I didn't hear a peep. I didn't get a share or nothing. Well, if you went downtown, you would have found out because it was a zoo down there. And over in Red Hook. See, Red Hook over there. But that's the thing.

30,000 people is a huge. huge, it's a stadium full of people, but there's nine million people in the city. Right, right. 30,000's like the A train. Exactly. So it was a special day, and it was special to be a part of, but next year I'm going to plan ahead and have all my family come down, I think, and it'll be the last week of my living in New York after 20 years.

Whoa. And hopefully it's not a Norqueefer. Because that doesn't help. What do you, you got a face going? I can't leave. Oh, it'll be a year. I'll change my mind. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a big shift. I'm actually impressed that you're taking this plunge. Well, because it's a big underdoing. What do you got to get the roots out, Jerry, and really get under that tree and- Believe me, I know. You've got to hire a guy, a truck, the whole thing. And then what are you doing with the Centra?

You're going to drive that down and tow? I'll probably drive it. We'll drive. It'll be fun. What about the U-Haul? Well, no, you hire a mover. I'm not moving all by shit across the fucking country. I was going to say.

I thought Marty was going to follow you in the center. That'd be fun to have the U-Haul truck And then the sentient and then he has his little car behind that Behind that's, you know, my Pubes, I don't know I couldn't think of anything funny I see. Anyways, happy 9-11 God bless these firemen, we love you

And I was proud to be part of it It was a beautiful day That is really something special But you got my head about this Kid living in New York You know, you're like, you really want your kid living around here with all these hoopty-dos And I'm walking my kid to school yesterday

It's 9.28 in the morning. You get the weird teenage wonky kid over there. He's jumping around. He's doing something. So I go, that's weird. He eventually comes behind me. I'm walking the kid, you know, head on a swivel. And he's all decked out. He's got sunglasses on and a backpack.

And he's playing music. He's got the thing on the backpack that plays its own music, the pill. Speaker? Oh. Speaker thing. And I was like, here we go. And my kid's going, ma-b-b-b-b-b-he's in his own world. The guy gets in front of me, and he's doing the backwards

walk while talking to me. Walking backwards. The moonwalk? Yes, basically. And I was like, hey, what's up, man? I'm pushing the stroller towards him. And he goes, come on, man, I'm trying to get some Wi-Fi. And I was like, I don't have any Wi-Fi on me at the moment. He's like, I'm trying to get some Wi-Fi. He's crazy. He's a crazy teenager, and he's looking for the homeless shelter. Oh. But he's like, I'm trying to get on. I thought he wanted your hotspot. Oh.

Maybe. Because the phone's a hot spot. Ah. That's not bad. That's not bad. But he kept being like, I'm trying to get on Instagram. I'm a star. I'm a star.

I want to be a star. I want to be showing people my moves. If I can get connected to the world, the world will see how great I am. He's got the goo on the lips, you know, when you dried out. Like Chuck? Yeah. Like Chuck's back. Oh, oh, oh, that I thought you meant.

And then, you know, they're sticking together with the lines. Oh, I don't get. Like a dragon. Yes, yes, Dragon. So I was like, oh, yeah, man, all right. And he's like, hey, I'm not going anywhere until I get my Wi-Fi. And I'm like, ah, fresh out, man, I got no Wi-Fi on me, sorry. I'm doing the pat down.

He's like, I need some Wi-Fi. And he's kind of slowing down. Like, things aren't going to be good for you unless you give him my Wi-Fi. So I'm like, you want some money? He goes, I don't need money. I need Wi-Fi. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? It's 8 in the morning.

I'm crusted my eye. His lips look like Bonnie Blue's ass. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then a guy walks by with a suit. And he goes, all right, see you later. And he hits the suit guy. He's like, I need some Wi-Fi. The suit guy's like, blah.

And I've hightailed it out of there. Oh, Jesus. I know the way to school. Well, I think it's a hot spot situation, but also of all the people, you're a social media star. How amazing is that? Well, yeah, he didn't know anything. That's what I mean, though. I mean, he's talking every Tom Dick and Harry's like, yo, man, I'm an Instagram star.

He was talking to an Instagram star. Well, I guess. But he's doing this city. He's very menace. and aggressive and my kid's going, hi, hi, the whole time. And I'm like, shut up, kid. He's a, this guy's bad news, but he's going, hi, he's like, I'm trying to get some Wi-Fi. Hi. Yeah, well, it's, it's funky do-doos out here, and, but, you know. Yeah, yeah. You got to pay for private school. I know. You can't send this kid to PS10 death.

Yeah, yeah. He's going to get jacked up. I know, Chris D. was like, you're going to private school, right? I was like, well, you're from Brooklyn? And he's like, yeah, exactly. Well, he must have gone to private school. He did, he did. He went to some Catholic thing where he played basketball. Right.

Well, yeah, it's tough sledding out there. You never know what you're going to have. But I got to just say, I got to give a shot. I was in a mini-app. Oh, I love Minneapolis. Oh, what a great. I think one of the better comedy towns. Oh, yeah.

Well, Chad and Kelsey lived there, and they're like, you should come here. It's a Delta Hub, the great shows, great people, middle of the countries, yada, yada. Right. The winter was already cold there. But, boy, I got to say, I love that club. I was iffy on Acme, and now I'm all in. Well, I love the showroom is amazing.

Yes. The green room leaves a little bit desired. Sure. And no one comes back there. Nobody comes back there. That's what I'm talking about. They also, I mean, I don't want to talk out of school, but I love the club and I love Lewis. But, you know, we have riders, and mine's not crazy.

It's blueberries, bananas, and strawberries. Yeah. And I got there and there's just nothing. And the manager was like, oh, yeah, we don't do that. I was like, we don't do that. They're like, yeah, most people don't eat it. So we just don't do that. I'm like, all right.

Yeah. I was like, okay, well. And then the ups, I probably told the story when we did it. The MC, the next day, showed up with bananas and blueberries and strawberries. And we ate it. Oh, what a bench. Yeah, it was great. There's a club in San Diego.

I won't say which one. You can figure it out. But I go, oh, all I got on my rider is give me like some. bananas and some water. And they were like, ah, we don't really do riders. And I was like, just give me fruit and water. I got back there on the table's one banana.

It was like a real, hey, go fuck yourself, diva. Joe Coy. I was in a club recently. Thursday, there was nothing. I didn't say anything. And then Friday, there was all the stuff in the writer, but it was still, it was in Walgreens bag. Oh, I've seen that.

That's a fuck you. That's a fun move. It reminds me of this is a great, great, great old story about the Lakers Celtics rivalry and the Boston Garden, the visiting locker had no air condition. It was like 150 degrees heat wave, June. And they're like, we need air conditioning. This is a league rule.

This is like league policy. You can't just have us dressing. They come back to the next game. Karim and Magic and Worthy, the whole gang and Pat Riley, they show up and there's just a big giant box in the middle of the locker room. Oh. There you go, P. Brains. There's your air conditioner. Wow. Is that gold?

That's good stuff. Those were the great old days. What's that? The HVAC 5,000 BTUs? Oh, yeah. 5,000 BTUs. Installed. Wow, that is crazy. Remember he installs it by dropping the blinds?

Yeah, that's when it goes, installed. Ah, that's good stuff. That's gold. So, yeah, great, great club, great time. Got a lot of work done, and boy, I like that town. It's a great city, and Chuck, what are you doing? You about to assassinate us? Chuck's rifling through some leather pouch over there.

Click, clacking away. All right. Well, is that all you got from Minneapolis? That was great. Road home on the middle seat. Oh, I had the Nor-Easter coming home on Sunday. So flight was five-hour delayed. Oh. So that Minneapolis Lounge got its ass eating out by me.

I mean, I said about 900 plates of food, 800 cocktails, 35 coffees and iced teas, and then I really unloaded on that toilet. That's fair. Well, we love you, Minneapolis. And, yeah, the Nor-Easter. It was like not that crazy. They always overblowing. It was just wet and dank, but I'm glad to see some blue sky because it was a dank shit three days.

Yeah, like my ex. Real quick, we have time, right? Oh, I'm going to shout out to the lady from Fargo. Some lady from Fargo came out. She's a huge guy. I wish. Huge gay. And she brought onesies and toy car for the boy.

So thank you, madam. Oh, nice. Well, they're good people. Minnesota nice. Never been to Fargo. You ever been to Dakota? No. Me neither. Neither one. One or two. South, northeast, west, nothing. No, never been to the Dakotas and... Alaska. Never been to Alaska.

Yeah, me neither. Never been to Mississippi. What about Wyoming? No, never been to Wyoming. I did Montana. I did Montana. I did mine. I love Montana. The states I have not been to our North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Mississippi, Alaska. No, no. I mean, there's not a lot of... lot of shows in Mississippi. It's just a casino. It's never been offered a single show in Mississippi.

It's the lowest... Intelligence and money-producing state in the country. It's got four eyes and can't see. Yeah, and it's... I think it has more GDP than Germany. M-I-S-I-S-I-P-P-I. Have we done this? I think we did that, and I think you were wrong. Yeah, sounds about right.

But I have family in Mississippi. Oh, hey. A couple of southern bills. That's right. Well, family, I mean, close, dear, friends that we consider family, you know, that kind of family. Well, I watched the Unabomber movie. It's a little wonky. It's not great. It's a movie? Is it new? It's brand new. It's number one on Netflix.

Russell Crow. Really? But it's all about the Unabomber as a kid and how he did the, they did the CIA shit on him, and it fucked him. It broke him. That's why I became the bomber. Ah. Good name for my new special. Sounds like it's empathetic to the Unabomber. A little bit. That's good. That's what we need. They show him to catch him. Kazitsky.

Smart guy. Yeah, yeah. Harvard. Yeah, I only, I know, everything I know about him is from that Goodwill hunting scene. Remember, and he goes, he went to the school and he did this, and he blew the competition away. Ed Kazitsky. Who's Ed Kaczynski? You and a bomber.

That's fun. We're having a bet. Who won? I did. Hey, how do you like that manals? Yeah, yeah, exactly. All right, all right. Well, I'll check it out.

Well, that's what we need in this country is more empathy for terrorists. We don't have enough. I know. I know. Not 11. Good times. We deserved it. Well, anyways, I was in Toronto.

Hey, the Great White Way. Great, great city at Toronto. By the way, speaking of diversity, most, like, more than 50% of that city was born outside of Canada. It's like the most diverse city in the world. It's very Indian. It's unbelievably diverse. And none of it has become majority.

They're like 10% Indian, 12%, African, 13%, 13% Chinese, 12% Japanese, 8% whatever. Pakistan. Some Americans living up there. I mean, it is a diverse town. And they're not happy with us. Well, our president keeps talking about taking them over and all this stuff. But it's embarrassing.

But anyways, so I went up to Toronto, did Randolph Theater. Ah. And it was a beauty, which a lot of people have been telling me the sound was bad, which I didn't know. Oh, you hate to hear it. Which is funny because it's one of those ones where you have the show of your life, got a standing O, the early show. And I was like, that might have been, Matt Wayne and I were agreeing. Like, that might have been the best show we've ever done.

And then afterwards, I got 14 emails being like, the reason the crowd suck was no one could hear you. And I was like, crowd suck. Whoa. You're standing O. I was like the best show I've ever done in my life. Well, how does that work? It always happens. People go, yeah, we couldn't hear a word you were saying.

I'm like, what the hell were they all the laughter about? What? That's kooky. But I think pockets and sections maybe couldn't hear or something. I don't know. Damn. But I had this feeling, which is the best feeling in comedy. You get every once in a while.

It doesn't happen often. But you go, I'm texting with my old pal Isabel Hagan, one of my dearest friends. And you're checking, hey, what are you up to? Oh, good. I'm feeling all right. I'm going to Toronto tomorrow. Toronto tomorrow? I'm going to Toronto tomorrow.

You ever have that? When you're going to a city, you text a person, they're like, I'm into the city. I love it. It happens once every 10 weeks, but it's great. Everyone one time I was Henry Phillips and I were both in Montreal at the other club. Oh, man, that's where you always got to check. Who is at the improv? Who's at the yucky yucka?

Who's at the funny boo-boo? Absolutely. So she's like, I'm getting to Toronto. And I'm like, well, Matt Wayne and are you going to be there? So we all meet a big threesome in my room. Hell yeah. Great hang. So we went out for breakfast, the whole thing.

And then I get this one from her. She's like, I'm not going to come to the show. I'm a little tired. And you're like, what are you crazy? This is one in a million. She's got no show, just a travel day. I'm like, we're down the street. Your best buddies down the street?

Yeah, yeah. And it was one of these. All right, I'll come. You're like, yeah, you're going to come. You're fucking slut. Hey, there you go. Well, look, I've tried to get you out on nights when I'm in Seattle or whatever. Well, that's different.

I'm in town because I'm with my best friend and my best friend's wife, who's my other close friend and his children. What's she in town for? She was playing music. And, you know, she's playing the viola. So she's just sitting at the Holiday Inn. Okay. This is, I'm with my closest friends in the world, putting the kids down, campfire, cigars,

and it's further out. Marshmallows and a 25-minute ride. But, yeah, I did that with your show and then Shane's show. This is where, this is how you get right to the middle. Yeah, we had the Neptune Theater. They were all asking about you. I know. Shane was at Tacoma.

He's like, I need you. This is long enough ago that Shane was selling out but didn't have his buddies opening for him. Right, right. I don't have that need. That's a comedy thing that a lot of guys have. I don't know where you're at on this, but like, I'm alone out here. I need you. I'm like, I'm here for three days.

I'll be all right. Yeah. I mean, I like to see you, but I'm not like, I'm dying. I need a friend. It depends on who you're working with, though. Well, that's true. I mean, there's plenty of times. I've had queefs that I'm like, I would give anything for any.

to show up here right now. Right, right, right. Yeah, you've, you've read some Vegas. Those hangs at the cellar could be real rough. Yeah, yeah. They put you with every Tom Dick and douche Dick Peter on the city block. Yeah, I mean, I've had it at clubs in New York where you're just kind of like waiting to go on. And then you come in and I'm like, oh my God!

Yes, yes. That's how Karen and I became close. I was at the stand and you're like, this guy's annoying. That guy blows. This guy's the worst. Oh, my God. It's a woman, but it's somebody. Yes, yes, I'll take it.

He's half a woman. Anyways, what was I saying? Oh, so we all hung out. We ordered, you know, we had food, the thing. You ordered delivery. It's great. And then this other one was on the show, Allie Pierce. You know this woman?

That sounds familiar. She's very funny. I think she's quite successful in Toronto. Toronto comic. Okay. She was one of these ones. I'm sure you've had this before. Where you get booked for a gig, and I don't, it's going back to everything we were talking about earlier.

I don't do that much reading or information. I just go, Toronto. Hey, do you want to do Toronto in September? And usually you booked a year out. So you're like, okay, great. You put it in the books. It was just for laughs. It was the festival.

So I didn't realize that. So it's one of these things, you know, you're like, festivals are fun, but just for laughs is over two weeks and it's huge and the whole thing. So as it's getting closer, like, could you fill this out? Could you do this for this festival? Could you do this? I'm like, what is all these email? And then we need to find a Canadian opener.

And I'm like, but I'm bringing Matt Wayne to like, no, no, we don't do that. This is the festival. Oh, interesting. But I'm like, oh, I already booked him. So, like, well, we got to get one of these people. So I was like, all right, well, can they emcee? And then Matt, because I already booked Matt. It was like one of those ones.

So they gave me like six people. And this woman, Allie Pierce, I'm like, this one is great. Yeah. And I felt bad because I'm like, I would have happily just had it be the two of us. Sure. I'd already booked Matt. So I ended up being great. But anyway, she's a great hang and very funny.

Check her out. And then they go, uh, all right. So she's doing 10. How much is Matt doing? And I was like, oh, they're 20. And they're like, they can make a face like this. Oh, shit. And I was like, no good?

I go, they go, well, and I was like, well, how long does this show? They go, oh, it's a one hour show. Oh, you don't tell me all this shit. I'm like, what? So I'm like, all right, I guess they'll do 10 and 10. And then I'm like, I'll say 40, but I'm just going to go long. It didn't make sense anything because there was a 7 o'clock show and a 930 show. What is that?

It's my show. Yeah, I don't. I don't care of these rules. Yeah, it was very strange. So I ended up, for the first time my life, just blowing the light. Because I'm like, well, I got to give the people a show. Yeah, yeah. And you got a standing O.

And the sound was fucked up. So what the hell's going on in this wackadoo? It was a wacky town, wacky venue. But the venue was awesome. The show was awesome. Great time. So then we hung out the next day, and we ended up going to the Toronto Blue Jays game. I bought great tickets, row eight behind home plate.

Mike Wilner, got to give a shout out. He used to be the play-by-play guy for the Toronto Blue Jays. Big Com. fan got us into batting practice. We're on the field for batting practice. And they were playing the Cincinnati Reds. I got to meet Tito Francona. Whoa.

The Rebel Red Sox manager, my hero, my idol. I love this man. He won two titles with the Red Sox. And he was just standing over there by the dugout. And I was like, boy, I would give anything to meet Frankona. And Wilner's like, I'll go talk to him. Oh, Tito's vodka. So it's one of these ones we are like, I don't want to look over there

in case he says, no, I can't handle the heartbreak. Sure, sure. So then Matt's keeping an eye on. He's like, he's coming over. He's coming over and I'm like, oh my God. And I said, you gave me the happiest memories of my life. And I have a son. He kind of smiled at that.

And I was like, seriously, you're my hero. And he's like, thank you for saying that. That's very good. He shot back to the dugout. Did he reckon? No, he's white. Tito? Well, his name's white.

Tito? Okay, okay. Terry, I was about to say. Yeah, he's as white as it gets. All right. Frickota, Tito, I have to call ICE. I mean, I'm sure he has some kind of Latino background. Yeah, probably.

something in there. I'm sure. A little spicy. But anyways, he's great. I love him. It was awesome to meet him. And then the game was amazing. It was like a come from behind win. We had table service or waitresses at the game.

Oh, man. And the roof was open. Blue sky. Beautiful night. It was one of those ones. At one point, he went and bought a joint. Do what you can do. Matt, and I bought a cigar.

We sat outside in the park. We walked around. We walked about 11 miles. Just had the time. Went to Italy, which is the... the fucking greatest. You ever do that a hotel in Toronto that is in the ballpark? I did. I did it a few years ago, and it was like spectacular. That is the cool. I didn't know it. I was just doing a gig. I walk out the lobby. I'm like,

whoa, there's a fucking baseball game out the window. It's insane. And crazier than when the game's going on is after the game at night. You're just looking at an empty baseball stadium. It's fucking coot-tastic. I love an empty baseball field. There's grass on the field. Get a meal. Well, anyways, this has been fun as heck. We got a guy. You know, Sidney's

converting to Judaism. Is that right? Yeah. A couple iron domes. I don't know much about Sydney Sweeney except she causes a big controversy because she shows her titties.

The ladies are not a fan. Two huge commercials that were problematic, right? Yeah, well, women got jealous. Problematic, yeah, I don't give a fun. One was the jeans. Yes.

I thought that was racist, which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Yes, yes, Nazi. And then the other one was because she had like a football helmet and you're setting women's sports back, which doesn't make sense because she's not an athlete. I know. It's a gambling ad.

She's invested in the gambling company, and now it's going crazy viral because everybody hates her. So it's working. But the backlash is working. Nobody care when Lena Dunham got naked. I would love to make love to Sidney. Oh, we all would. That's part of the appeal.

I think so. But yeah, so where are you going to be there, Fett? Oh, Jesus. I don't know. Philadelphia, October 21st through the 24th. Helium? Yep. Hell, yeah, I love that room. Helium.

Raleigh coming up. Good nights. I'll be there in Raleigh, which is always fun. And I'm doing the Connecticut Stress Factory, which I've never done in my life. Sorry. Yeah, but you drive home. That's what's nice about that. That's true.

Hour and a half. Ridgeport, we call that. Oh, and I got to, when does this come out? Oh. Well, we just shot Dan Bulger's special last night. That was awesome. Hey, what room? It's called Deep Cuts.

Did I tell you his idea that's amazing and so funny and I'm so mad I didn't come up with this? I can't wait. First Deep Cut is the deepest. He's got a pilot in the audience. We're shooting a special with a guy in a pilot outfit in the front row. Hey, that's great. And he's just going to stand there the whole time. That's great.

I mean, I would have given anything to have. I've never been more jealous of an idea in my life. I love it. You don't address it. You just do the whole show. That's gold. It's a nice Easter egg. Tell them to where some rainbow suspenders.

It's for the hell of it. But anyways, yeah, join the punch. I sign up for my email list on Punch Up because it keeps happening. We're in Toronto walking around. People walk in, Joe List? Yeah. Tuesday. Are you doing shows in town?

Inevitable. Two last night. They were sold out. 900 people found out about the show. Yeah. Where were you, Chachi? Come on. So sign up for that email list.

There'll be no spam ever. All I do is email when I come to your town and say, I'm in town. There you go, Fetty. All right, I'm coming to Charleston. It's some room there. I love that town. I always say it's New Orleans if I went to college. All the best towns.

Great town. But then I wanted to invite the wife and the kid down to Charleston. I said, hey, agent, give me one show. I'm doing one show. I have a whole family weekend down in the cool town. Sit on a porch. Have a mint julep. We're a searsucker.

She has a death in the family. Funeral is that weekend. Can't go. So I called the agent. I was like, she's not coming. Book me some more shit. So he booked me Greenville. Hey.

You know Greenville, North Care? Yeah, I've done Greenville, North Carolina. So, yeah, we just put that on the book. Come to Greenville, two shows on a Friday, I believe, and we'd love to have you. So check the website, get a bodega cat, get on Punch Up, get on Punch Up, get all the goods, and the Patreon. Chuckles? Check on my podcast, fun, bearable. But more importantly, we're shooting this pilot with the crew of impractical jokers,

and it was fully funded, but we just found out. We have to do a little reshoot. Ah, I hate a reshoot. I saw your face in it? Yeah, exactly. That's right. So we need a little bit more funding. If you want to get involved, hit me up at discount, Chuck, on Twitter, Instagram,

and get involved with a very cool plug. Dang up. All right, folks. See you now. We've been up, praise all the coffee.