Tuesdays with Stories! - Patreon Preview: OG Tuesdays #12 - But I Digest

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

We're doing a Patreon Preview folks! We usually do this around Christmas but things got a little kooky with THREE moves at once (Joe, Mark and the studio) plus the Normand baby on the way. So we're doing it now! This episode is from Nov. 25th, 2013. If you never heard the story of Mark Normand getting fired while dressed in drag, today is your lucky day! It's Tuesdays!  Our Stuff: - http://www.patreon.com/tuesdays   - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories   - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order with promo code TUESGAYS at https://www.sheathunderwear.com

Hey folks, we're here. We're queer. We're gay. That's the same thing. Queer and gay. I don't know. It's different now. It's all different now. It's all pipes. But folks, we got a lot of messages. Normally we take Christmas off every year for 11 years. There's still people blown away. Although this year I think was the least amount of people that were like, what the fuck? They get it. Well, the Jews do it. Why can't we? But a few people also pointed out that usually we do like a best of in its place or some kind of old episode or whatever. Right. We didn't do that. We were all fucked up and wow, I'm a little fucked up yourself.

So we're going to do it right now. Right now. Here it is. Right now. Patreon preview for free right now as a little fun bonus for you folks and a little nibble to what the Patreon's all about about and we just did like three new videos of us hot gay sets us on the road us at the stand dojo behind the scenes green room all the extra shit it's a goddamn TV show and our boy Chuck wrote up a little thing I'm gonna give it to you right now give it to the free week we post an OG original gangster Tuesdays episode and there are 137 that have been posted so far

with all the ads removed, no ads, baby. On top of that, there are over 400. Whoa! That's right. 400! Whoa! That's a lot. Bonus episodes exclusive to our Patreon available right now. 400 goddamn bonuses. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

That includes Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm watch-alongs, those are fun. Yeah, I like that. Cue an anal. Oh. We answer questions directly from our Patreon, that's your favorite thing. Can't beat anal.

You love anal. General bonuses that are just more of us, just like the normal show, but we do it a little, it's a little spicier, wouldn't you say? We do a little less of the Tuesdays shtick. We do a little more, let's get serious, let's talk. Let's open up. And that's a lot of fun.

Also the documentary project's Hot Case Sets directed by Chuck Stanton. Is that how you say it? Son of a bitch. From such a podcast as Tell'em Steve Mike and a couple new Hot Case Sets just went up. I mentioned that earlier. There's another documentary project from Salacuse

and Lex, our boy, the week before. Yes. Two more hot gay sets coming down the pipeline. Oh yeah. Which is insane. And of course, each week we post the main show completely ad free. I don't want to listen to ads.

No fucking ad. We took some ads out just for the people. Every week you get three releases, the ad-free main show, an old episode, and a brand new bonus exclusively to Patreon. That's every single week. It's the best damn Patreon in the sky. In the biz. You're a fool if you're not on it. And check out Chuck's podcast, Unbelievable. Fun variable. Hey, thank you. You are now checked in to Stand Up New York Labs.

Oh yeah! Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock! Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! It's Tuesdays with stories everybody! No, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me.

Alright, what do you want to do? I can't choose what I want to do? Start it. Here we go. Twenty-two. I just licked the mic. Twenty-five. Twenty-five. Twenty-six.

Twenty-six. Twenty-six. You want to start? Yeah, I'll start. You start. Hey, we're here Tuesdays with stories everybody. I'm Mark Normand. That's my good old buddy.

Joey List. Yes. Oh boy, so much to talk about. No guest. We got too much to get to. The guests would only get in the way. So, boy, I don't even know where to begin. We have a list on the wall of just stories to get to.

Man, you guys. First, I gotta say this up top. Good to see you, Joe. You were out of town. Good to have you back. And, boy, thank you so much. You guys are listening. We got some numbers cooking.

Holy moly, I saw it coming. We have such low self-esteem, this is a huge shock. We have numbers that I'm almost confident they're lying. They have to be lying. I'm getting high fives on the street. People are giving me gifts. The number they gave us, 8.4 million listeners last week. Crazy! 8.5 million. Every single person in New York City listeners last week. Crazy! 8.5 million. Every single person in New York City listened last week. I got an email from Joe Biden.

He sent me an email. He loves it. All right, all right. Wait, we're doing okay. I put Stephen Hawking on one of these last week. He's loving it. Oh no, but we do have, people are listening evidently. I don't know, these guys might be lying to us

and we look like assholes because we're high fiving with our shirts off and chest bumping. But it's working, my confidence is up. Yeah, I feel great. Is that Becky in there? Get out of here. Are you one of the 8.4 million?

Oh, thank you. We have one female listener. Oh boy, we've gotten rid, all the homosexuals and African Americans are out. That's a done deal. We bled them right out of the listenership. Not that we want them out, but they don't want to be in. They hate us. Hell yeah. No, we want them. We need them. Please. Our newest sponsor, Soul Glow. Alright, alright. Oh boy, well, it's great to see you, pal. This is one of those good ones where we haven't seen each

other in quite a while, so it's exciting and boy I missed you. I was in Norway and you get alone in that hotel room with a little jet lag. I was crying. Is that right? I was sobbing and then... Jesus, I don't know if that's normal. Sobbing. It's Norway.

Not sobbing, but just glassy eyed, you know? Oh, I get that. I haven't sobbed in a long time. When's the last time you sobbed? Oh, I remember. Do you? Hit me with it. It's a doozy of a story. I haven't sobbed in a long time. When's the last time you sobbed? Oh, I remember. Do you? Hit me with it.

It's a doozy of a story. I got one too. Oh boy, I'm almost embarrassed to tell. But my brother was in the Peace Corps and I went to go visit him in Africa in Guinea. Not even New Guinea. The old Guinea. The old one. All right.

And so me and my parents were out there. We decided if we're going to Africa, we might as well make the most of it and see get AIDS Well, you know go to Egypt go to you know, every little place Morocco Morocco we went there. Yeah, so we're in a hotel in Morocco, you know jetlag 18 mile 18 year flight, you know, I'm in the hotel and I'm sleeping on the floor My parents are up there and I had just been dumped by a girl and I was like fine with it, I was 18 or whatever and I remember laying on the floor, my parents were sleeping, my dad is snoring,

I'm laying on the floor of a hotel in Morocco sobbing, just crying my eyes out, I don't know where I am, no one speaks English, I'm with my parents, brutal. That was probably the last time. Yeah, traveling and the girl, it builds up, you get sad, you get lonely, I told the story before, last time I sobbed was in Milwaukee with Sam Morrill It was a big poster of him with with Sam Morrill. He was in comedy three weeks

Oh, I was like 11 years in drunk just sobbing Sam Morrill has led to a lot of sobbing. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, mostly from Asian women who he calls a plethora of slurs. Yeah but So I was in Norway, but I got emotional cuz you're in the hotel, you're jet lagged, and then you have such a, this happens to me, this happened to me in Montreal too, you have so much fun sometimes that when the fun stops and it's just you, I get overwhelmed. Like George Bailey. Uh-huh.

From It's a Wonderful Life. Right. I have all these friends, I don't know why people love me so much, we have great fun, and then you're by yourself, and it was a stranger in a strange land was happening, but... And Norway doesn't seem like a smiley place. It's the second highest suicide country. I think mostly because of the weather, but they're very rich, a lot of money, and yeah, it was real fun, but I was so jet-lagged, I was telling you before, we got there and

then went to bed, which you're not supposed to do with jet lag. You're supposed to just live your day like you are from that country, but we didn't. We slapped two shows. The girls are beautiful, but everyone kept telling me, the girls in Norway, you're gonna get laid. They love Americans. Janis Pampas is our buddy. He's like, you're gonna fuck every girl.

You can just say hello and they blow you right there. They love Americans. Not one girl flirted with me, nothing. I was like, two days in. I I'm like what's going on here? Why is no one? Maybe that's where the suicide kicks in. Yeah, I think that's why I was sad. But I was talking to this one girl,

this woman looked just like Mick Jagger. Exactly like Mick Jagger. Is that good or bad, I can't tell. She walks away and then this other girl, I was like talking to this other girl, I'm like that woman looks exactly like Mick Jagger. And then this girl's like, well well here in this country that's not really a compliment I was like yeah I'm not trying to compliment her there's no

what do you think in America I'm just like hey you look like Mick Jagger oh thank you oh wow you look like a 71 year old elderly almost dead rock star yeah I'm like how about little Richard how do the girls feel about Little Richard? Yeah or nay? Can I? Yeah. Can I tell them they look like Little Richard? Right, right. Yikes.

So yeah, a couple, I talked to a couple of dames and then one girl did, you know the credit card swipe that guys do? Yes, I love that. Yeah, yeah, you do it a lot. And this girl did it, she called it the butt plug and jammed her thumb in my ass. Wow. Drunk girl in like stiletto heels, barely speak English. Good looking? No, she looked like Snooki, but if Snooki was like 6'4", they're all very tall over

there. Okay. But she goes, yells butt plug and like direct hit. Wow. Thumb right in my asshole. Eee. And I lost my shit, no pun intended. Yeah, yeah.

I was like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, that's a fucking violation of my privacy. Imagine if I did that to you. Yeah. Imagine if I just jammed my finger in a girl's stink hole. That's assault. It's assault.

It might be battery as well. It might be. I believe it's battery. For sure, it's battery. It's one of them. It's both, I think. Yeah, assault and battery. Not a bad Halloween costume.

That's not bad. Yeah, you go as a shaker and a Duracell. I like that. Not bad. That's fun. Yeah. Topical. So anywayaker and a Duracell. I like that. That's fun. Topical. So anyway she jams my, well when this comes out, December. Yeah that's true. She jams her finger in my ass. Then she's like let's go to your hotel room. It's like a group of girls. She's like we'll drink the booze at your hotel room. And I'm like well you're not going to drink my booze. It's expensive here. And she goes no no we work

at hotels. Just tell them you didn't drink it. That was her big move. We drink all the booze, and then when it comes time to check out, I say, by the way, that booze that's empty, I didn't drink it. Not me. She's like, it works. And I'm like, it doesn't work. And she's like, I work at a hotel.

I'm like, why stay at a hotel? Yeah. And I'm like, aside from staying at hotels, you can't just take things and be like, I didn't take it. Right. That doesn't work. Who took it? Oh, that girl who looks like Steven Tyler. Right, right. The girl with't take it. Right. That doesn't work. Who took it? Oh, that girl who looks like Steven Tyler.

Right. The girl with the stinky thumb. Right. Stinky thumb, great rock band. So the stinky thumbs, of course. Yeah. From England. Good times.

So then we're all at McDonald's. Me, it's like me and Christa Stefano and a couple of other. You're in Norway? You go to McDonald's? It was the only thing open. It was like 3 o'clock in the morning. OK. And so we had to go to McDonald's.

And it's different meat. It's a different food there. All right. So we're at McDonald's? It was the only thing open. It was like three o'clock in the morning. And so we had to go to McDonald's and it's different meat. It's a different food there. All right. So we're at McDonald's, we come out and these girls, like I said, the girls are like, let's go to your hotel room, we'll drink there. And then one of the girls is like, can I bring these two guys?

And then like this crowd, like this crowd of people, this part, it's like these two dudes just sitting like, aren't like these like sexy looking Viking dudes. I'm like, you can't bring these people into my hotel room. No, they don't even look like they want to come. So this girl in a three-second period stuck her thumb in my ass, came up with the idea to steal my booze, and then invites Vikings into my hotel room. Now why you?

Where, how did this all happen with you? Well, because it was after the show and I wanted to hang out with the girl. And I was like, no one's coming back to my hotel room. Boo boo boo, I really laid down the law. You know, I got a girl. Right, right. It's so funny how that, it's all about the show. Like, I've gone to places and hit on girls,

and just zilch, nada, not even a smirk, a smile, a smooch. And then you do the show, and then people are like, oh hey, we should hang out, let's do something. And I'm like, same guy. Ah, I barely get that. Oh really? But without that, you're dead. All every sex I've ever had outside of high school

is from being a comedian. And essentially in high school you were a comedian. You know, you're the funniest guy. But I'm the saddest guy in the club as I'm going around going to these girls like, did you see the show? No, I'll see you later. Right, right, right.

They're like, yeah, I'm like, hey, I'm the guy. Right, right. Yeah, that's the only way in. Yeah, you need to see him. I don't know, I had no idea how I would ever get laid without an act. Karaoke, I got laid doing karaoke one time. Wow, that's tough.

Yeah, I really brought the heat. Did I ever tell that story? Lay it on me, brother. I got laid, when was at the show, actually, wasn't really interested, she's just like, oh, I saw you at the show, walks away, fucking is at the bar. Then I do the karaoke, rip it. I'm a good karaoke singer. I don't know if you've ever seen me in oh, I saw you at the show, walks away, fucking is at the bar, then I do the karaoke,

rip it, I'm a good karaoke singer, I don't know if you've ever seen me in action. I've seen it, that's pretty good. I'm really something. Bruce Springsteen. Hesitated a little bit there. I was gonna say something mean as a joke, but then I was like, I don't wanna crush him.

Yeah, I mean, karaoke, I don't joke around about karaoke, Jesus Christ. Why would you? Make fun of my act before you make fun of my karaoke. Yeah, this guy, Thunder Road, get out. I don't do Thunder Road, I do Born to Run. Lock the door. Thunder Road, what am I, an asshole?

Jesus. Thunder, if you do Thunder Road at karaoke, kiss my grits. I'm a Born to Run man. Anyways, I got a couple getting laid karaoke stories. Wow. Just one girl, I've gotten laid twice from karaoke. What? That's not heard of.

Once it was on the 4th of July in Charleston, South Carolina, the girl's name was Joey. I fucked a girl with the same name as me. I kinda like that. And it was pretty hot. I sang Born in the USA on the 4th of July, brought the house down, I was underage, and the girl comes up to me afterwards, she was hot,

and she just goes, I don't care what you say, I'm coming home with you. Whoa! And I was like, well I say yes, let's go now. And she's like, no, end of the night. It was like 10. Wow. Then we parted, like she was just like walked away. Oh no. We walked away and I was like well I say yes, let's go now, and she's like no end of the night It was like 10 Wow then we parted like she was just like walked away We walked away, and I was just like I don't know what's happening here like two hours later

She comes back. She's like all right. Are you ready? What didn't even want to hang out just wanted to fuck me I love that. That's how good it was amazing. Why don't more women do that? I don't know, but it was it's that's what I need is so good girl. Yeah, like I want to fuck you right even then I'm still like 5050 because ladies you got to realize this realize, there's a fine line, like women are like, how come no guy hits on me? How come no guy approached me? One, because you're mean as fuck when we do, and two, because then you call us rapey.

You're picturing a guy you like coming up to you. Right, right. So it's tough, so I don't know why women don't do that. It's 100%, you're gonna get laid. It's a hell of a limb, too. You're really out there, it's very nerve wracking. It's quite a limb. I never want to be the guy I tried writing a joke about this it's great to be the guy that gets laid

But it sucks to be the guy trying to get laid everyone can see it right That's my whole life is just sitting around pointing out people trying to get laid You're like look at this asshole trying to get laid But you know what the problem is the guy who tries the most gets laid the most that's right So you got to try yeah, they're the there's some people, there's one comedian in particular that I'm thinking of, but I won't say his name, but people are like, how the hell does that guy fuck all these girls? I'm like, that's all he does.

He's trying to get laid 100% of the time. Right, right. So you can, if that's all you do. The numbers. You can do it. Yeah, the chances go up. So anyways, Joey and I, we go back and fuck. I can't remember how well the sex was or anything,

except that she had the same name, and also I was thinking about Uncle Joey from, I was like, cut it out. I think I said that a couple times during the sex, and it was fun. Do you have wood? Oh, I forgot about that, Ranger Joe. Thank God you got that.

Word? I was on a limb for a moment. I think I might have just nailed that impression, by the way. Word? Nah, that's the first one, play it back, folks. Cut that in post. Yeah, I think I might have just nailed that impression by the way. Oh, I should have missed it. Word? Nah, this is the first one. Play it back, folks. We'll cut that in post.

Yeah, I think I nailed it. Anyways, so I fucked her. And then the other karaoke one, I've told this story before, but I don't think on this podcast. This is in Boston, did karaoke. We go back to the hotel room. I'm having sex with this girl. Pretty good.

I'm on top and stuff. Oh boy. And that's going well. She's into it, and then she does something like this, she's like, yeah, oh yeah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and starts bawling. Oh. And I'm just having, I'm slowing down my pace of course, and I'm like, what's going on? And she was like, I'm married. Oh boy.

Says she's married, and I'm like, I don't know what to do so I'm just sort of like, so what and she goes in a crying voice, she goes, you might as well finish. Oh, well that's nice. Sweet girl. Yes. And so I was like, all right, so I did like a couple more pumps

but now she's really bawling and you can tell she's trying to roll into the fetal position but I'm on top of her. So she's just like crying, like whimpering and just sobbing, this is a sob story. And so I had to stop, I can't but I'm on top of her. So she's just like crying, like whimpering, and just sobbing. This is a sob story. And so I had to stop, I can't, I'm not into that. It's hard for me to enjoy sex with a girl sobbing.

You're a human being. One of those guys. Yeah. So then I rolled over, but I was already having sex. I was into it, so I had to finish. So I just started masturbating. She's rolled over in the fetal position. The whole bed is shaking, cause she's crying,

and I had put one of the quarters in the bed. So, just shaking and then I'm masturbating and I have to like finish masturbating till like the sound of like snot dripping. She's like. Oh my God. So you rock hard. Yeah, so I finish off or whatever

and then I fall asleep, it's like three in the morning, I'm drunk and she's drunk and we fall asleep. I wake up and the bed, the sheets are soaking wet. And I'm like, why is everything soaking wet? What the hell? I rolled down the covers and she's pissing, I assume a second time. She's in the fetal, it's just squirting out

like projectile urinating. Is that right? Yeah, second pee of the night. Squirting? Yeah. Holy, holy. Just peeing out, she's blackout drunk. We're both blackout drunk. And so I get up and I'm like, this is gross.

I'm soaked and I grabbed my keys and shit and there was $4 on her desk next to her purse and I took the $4. You're damn right you did. $2 for each time she peed on me. Yeah! That's a good rate I think, two bucks a pee. That's a steal.

Then I left and then I found out, I left my key, I said keys, I left my car keys in the hotel room so I had to go back to the hotel room but luckily she had checked out and they were at the lost and found. Oh thank god. So karaoke lay. And somewhere this woman exists, she was from Indiana, she fucking married chick.

Wow. And probably she thinks about me every single day. I bet she does. Poor gal. And she's probably, not only did she cheat on the husband but just peed on a guy. Yeah, yeah, she woke up in her own pit, it was like a business trip. And it was all because of karaoke. Wow! Who knew? I'm good at karaoke. It's the gateway. Yeah. Holy, I've peed on a lot of girls in my day, but I was always there to apologize. Oh, I

thought you meant you got the thumbs up. Oh, no, no, no. I've never had the wishful peeing. It was always an accident. Have you ever had a pee? Peed on a girl, had a girl pee on you, and sexually? No, not on purpose, no. Have you ever had a, peed on a girl, had a girl pee on you, and sexually? Not on purpose, no. I had my girlfriend in high school, we were in the, we took showers together, and sometimes not even sexually, we just wanted to conserve water or whatever,

we wore bathing trunks or whatever. Is that right? No. Oh, geez. But we would shower together, and she was like, I gotta pee, and I was like, pee on me, let's, I wanna see if I'm into this. Yeah. And I almost threw up.

Really? It was like, serpy. What? Yeah, it was like pee on me. I want to see if I'm into this. Yeah. And I almost threw up. Really? It was like serpy. What? Yeah, it was like a thick pee. It must have been a bad one. Maybe she was in a, I don't know, something about cycles or whatever. Asparagus. I don't know what it was, but it was, it felt warm.

It was like hot. Oh boy. And I hated it. I was like, ah! It felt like I got, you know, sand down my pants or something. I don't think shower pee would bother me. That's what I thought, but then it was like a hot thickness to it. Well what about the jellyfish syndrome?

Well have you ever done that? No, never been stung. I stepped on a thing one time in Long Beach, California and I thought, I cut my foot, I'm a hypochondriac, I'm a bit emotional, and I ran home to my buddy's house and I was like, my foot, I'm bleeding, Ichondriac, I'm a bit emotional. I ran home to my buddy's house and I was like, my foot, I'm bleeding, I'm dying, I think I'm gonna die. And he was like, I read if you piss in a thing and soak your foot in piss. So I pissed in one of his pots

and then soaked my foot in piss, with piss in his pot. And then he got home and he looked at it and he was like, this is like a scratch. Like I stepped on a rock or something. So I just ruined his pot and put my foot in piss. But hey, I'm talking too much. Where were you this weekend? For God's sake, where were you?

What's up here? I'm about nine stories in, we're almost out of time. I just wanna say, when I was a kid, I used to pee on my feet in the shower, just for fun, because I heard that. So I was like, hey, if I did get stung, this will fix it. Right, right, you're prepared.

Yes. I've been peeing in the shower since I was four years old, never looked back. Shower pee, I'm pro. I don't get why everyone's so years old never looked back. Shower pee I'm I'm pro I don't get why everyone's so mad at it. No, and I'll pee in a pool Well, that's hold on. We're gonna cut and we'll rerecord. We're gonna talk out there for a couple minutes. You don't pee in the pool? What are you crazy? I wait to get in the pool to pee. Well, they have that purple ink that comes out It's a myth. I think it's a wives tale. Oh yeah, old wives. That's not true at all.

I've been waiting for that purple all my life. I'll tell you one thing though, there's a water park in Louisiana called Blue Bayou and the wave pool was one of the funnest parts, but it was bleach yellow. You just couldn't even avoid it. You couldn't even pretend it wasn't just crazy yellow. The whole time, if you're in that thing and you get a wave, it is just whiz. That's all it is. Wow.

It's insane. Couldn't avoid it. I've been afraid of public pools my whole life because everyone would just say that's where everyone pisses. Oh yeah. It's bad news. Yeah. But the rides are fine because it's constantly flowing.

Right, right, right. But I'm sure there's people urinating all the way down those chutes. Yeah, that's where they probably urinate the most people nervous get the nerves out I'm sure there's been some boom booms happening mid ride to those rides are scary I pissed on a ferris wheel one time because I was scared Drip down. I don't know. I pissed about I pissed my pants like hardcore. My cousin Jamie was really sweet about it He gave me a sweatshirt to tie around my weight I tied around backwards like an apron.

Ah. And then it was just a huge piss stain on the ferrets. And it was weird because I was so young, but I didn't remember pissing. I just looked down and it was there. It just happened. Yeah. I was afraid of heights and I just lost it. I was a big bed wetter. Boy, bedwetting shaped who I am. Yeah.

A lot of it. Because it's traumatizing as a kid. Sleepovers. Yeah. I remember one time, I think I've told you this, but I slept at a friend's house, it was like a big sleep, like nine of us, and I slept at a friend's house, wet the bed, very common for me, woke up, all the guys were standing above me,

hovering, watching me, like, just looking at me sleep. Like an operation. Yes, exactly, junior mints. And so I'm sitting there, and my eyes open open and I was like, I immediately felt the wet, cold, I see all them, and my friend goes, whew, this is harsh. Buckle up, folks. My friend goes, ugh, why do you do this? From everybody.

It was fucking traumatizing. Why would I? You know, I like the attention, trying to cool off. What are you insane? I got a problem. I just woke up. This is the way to wake up. I'm gonna cup of coffee.

I'm eight. So, uh. That's brutal. Brutal, brutal. And then, you know, the whole, the mom comes, she's like, hey, break it up, break it up. She like pulls me out of there. She like, you know, hoses me off like an elephant.

You know, she gives me some of the husband's clothes. So I'm wearing like a cardigan and bell bottoms. Oh, brutal. But yeah, I've had some bad. One time I slept at a friend's house, wet the bed, of course, and just sucked it up. You wake up at like five, and we had to go to camp the next day. We had to get to camp for like nine or ten. So I was just up since five, like trying to wring out stuff and standing by the AC.

Right, right. And I was just in piss-covered clothes the whole day I wouldn't let anyone touch me because I was soaking wet all day. I reeked of urine Finally my mom came at five o'clock and picked me up and I was like, thank God you're here. I'm covered in whiz. Oh boy That's scary. Yeah, what in the bed? I've peed on I only do it now when I get hammered So I've peed on a couple one-night stands, right which is brutal because you really You're you're disappointed at, and then you're like, well, we'll just go to bed.

And then it's disappointment in the morning. Right, right. Being a kid is brutal. There's nothing you can, I had a weird skin thing on the back side of my head. I don't even know what it was called, but it was like dried up chunks. I beg if you stuck hair gel on your head

and then never took it off. It was like dried up chunks. I think I had that. I could like peel pieces off. Yeah, it was like dried up chunks. I think I had that. I could like peel pieces off. Yeah, it was white? I don't know if it was white, it was attached to my skull and you could pick it off like boogers,

it was like a dried up boogers. Oh, whoa. I forget what it was called, I have to look it up. And it would get stuck in my hair and I was so nervous about people seeing it that I would look everyone in the eye like face on. Wow. So like they couldn't see the back of my head

because I was so nervous about it and I would sit with my head back there And then I remember one time my guidance counselor something being like you're a good kid you look people right in the eye You're like a stand-up guy But really I was scared to death and I would just be shaking looking at people's eyes It's very nerve-racking and it was just so they couldn't see my fucking shitty booger head That's kind of funny cuz I have a thing like that where I don't really smile Yeah, I don't smile cuz I had braces for six years and I had like train tracks, like the

doozy metal mouth. So I don't, people are always like, why don't you smile? You're a comedian, you don't even smile. It's because of the braces. Yeah, I cover my mouth when I smile because I had braces and I have shitty teeth now. I failed at wearing braces. Yeah, what happened there? I don't know.

I think my wisdom teeth came in and fucked them all up. So like, people are like, you ever, you think about getting braces? Like I had braces. Right. I fucked them all up. So like, people like, you ever think about getting braces? Like I had braces. Right. I fucked up. Wow. I failed at wearing braces. I'm the only guy I've ever heard of that happening to. I have to get braces a second time.

Yeah, they're the worst. Yeah, I got braces as a Christmas gift. Oh, that's like a short story, like a Dickens. Yeah, for my birthday I got a tetanus shot. Yeah, holy moly. That's a joke, the line I wrote, I used to do that as a joke about getting braces for Christmas.

And then I was doing some running with my friend Tom Dustin and I was like, I got it, tetanus shot for my birthday. And I was like, we fucking died, I'm like, that's an applause break. We were crying and high-fiving, you never get anything. Ah.

I'd bring it back. Maybe I'll try it again. I've had a couple of those you bring it back it hits Yeah, true, but I don't even do the bit anymore. It's years ago. So where were you at? Were you on the road? You were somewhere. I was on the road. I went to Atlantic City, baby The Borgata open two weeks in a row at Bruce Springsteen Songed oh, you're right. I did Youngstown, Ohio. Youngstown in Atlantic City. Yeah, how about that? Pretty good. Boy, I'd never been. It's a doozy. It's a real place.

It's got big stuff and lights and all that good stuff. Monopoly. Yeah. Crazy night. We took a stretch, whatever, out there. It was great. Schumer bought us all this huge dinner. It was crazy. Italian place, drinks, got the works, appetizers, you know. You know something's going well when you're getting appetizers and dessert? Oh yeah. You know, because like we never do that.

Of course. Yeah, we go in, we get our food, we get out, but it's like, no, we're doing this. I would never go to either of those things. No. Just give me the meal and... Dessert's kind of a waste to me. I don't understand dessert. Eh, it's not good. You eat it later. I just ate a meal now. I'm gonna put have chocolate

Let me have dessert in a couple hours or something, but see I don't have a sweet tooth So for me, I'd rather eat the dessert first and then the meal is the special the spaghetti or the whatever, right? Right to me. That's more fun. But what are you gonna do? So, uh, yeah, we eat this crazy meal then we go to the show It's at this place called in the music box great venue You know it's like a thousand people sold out and we bump into Carmen Lynch just bump into her Wow Yeah, just out there, so she comes backstage as beers flow and everybody's in a good mood high-fiving Yeah, did a set and then we all went to the club after she got the bottle service. It was crazy Wow yeah the success man It's wild. I would love to the success, man. It's wild.

I would love to have success. Well, we have success. We have a hundred and thousand listeners. Hey, that's true. But man, yeah, that would be fun. I thought of a funny joke and I missed the thing, but we're such dear friends, I want to tell you the joke. Please. Yeah, I like to get dessert, but I digest. Hey, I like that. It wasn't bad. That's not bad. Not worthy of bringing it back. We probably should cut that out in post. But but I digest hey, I like that wasn't bad

Not worthy of bringing it back. We probably should cut that out in post no no no we're keeping that in that's the name of the episode I digest yes write it down. Oh, yeah, but here's the thing hit me with it Got so I've been trying to quit like not quit drink, but cut back on the booze right Oh, I got a story about that. I try to cut back on the booze, so I haven't been drinking a lot, I've been so busy. And so I was like, you know what, I'm in AC, I'm getting hammered tonight, it's all free. And I just went to town, and yeah. At one point I was kind of going in and out of blacking out, and at one point I look around,

it was all of us at the club, I blink my eyes, it's just me dancing with strangers. I don't know where all the friends went, all the people I knew were all gone, everybody met up with somebody. And I was like, ah, geez. So I like try to dance with some people and they all punch me in the face. And I was like, all right, well, I guess I'll just leave.

Blink my eyes again. I wake up on the hall in the floor on the hallway of my hotel. I don't know where what room I'm in. So I'm just kind of like, oh, shit, it's dark. I don't know what room I'm in. I'm just wandering up and down, like looking at doors, maybe something will stick out and nothing sticks out so I have to go downstairs and I'll be like, hey I lost my key. And then they gave me another key and I was in the wrong building.

Oh wow. So I don't know where I was. So that's the scary part about Booze. Yeah, yeah. That sounds like a behind the music story. Right. I woke up and all my friends were gone, it was like a, it sounds like the beginning of a Springsteen song. It's like a metaphor, yeah that sounds like a behind the music story right I woke up and all my friends were gone It's like a right something the beginning of a springsteen song like a metaphor Yeah, and then he goes into Atlantic City and yes, so here's a here's a fun little nugget I love nuggets, so I've been trying I said all right. I'm cutting down on the booze

Maybe I'll try this weed thing out a little bit I'm not I mean I've smoked weed before obviously a million times, but I've never really bought it and had my own. Yeah, yeah, not me either. It's very rare. It's very rare for me. So, you know, I had nothing against weed, but I was like, I'm gonna try it. I gotta take some edge off and I'm not gonna booze. So I talked to a couple guys at this the comedy seller and they're like, oh, yeah, go to the Village Wah. Joe Schmo, whatever, he sells weed every night. So I go up to Joe Schmo, I'm like, hey, can I buy some weed? I'm very nervous, I got my collar up, sunglasses on, it's two in the morning. And he's like, yeah, what do you want?

I was like, the smallest amount. He's like, well, I got two for 30. I was like, sounds... Two what? Sounds great, yeah. Two weeds? I don't know, yeah. I thought he was going to hand me two potted plants.

So I was like, yeah, sounds good. So I hand him 30 bucks, and he hands me like a pouch of something in plastic, and I was like, alright, great, and I walk, he turns around and I walk away, because I figure, hey, we're doing drug deal here, I gotta get out of here. Right. So then I get home and I get a call later from Justin Silver. He's like, where the hell'd you go? And I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, the guy has your other weed thing. You only took one. And I was like, oh, it was two for 30.

Right. So I was like, well, you just get it from him and I'll pick it up from you later. He's like, all right, whatever. So the next night, he's like, hey, I'm at Eastfield Comedy Club at this time. Come meet me. I was like, all right. I had six spots. So I do all my spots. I finally meet him at Eastfield Comedy Club. I get the weed. I put it in my front pocket. I run out to do another spot, take a cab, get to the spot, goes well, go home. I'm excited about my new weed. Left at the cab.

Oh, jeez. All that for nothing. That's worse than leaving a phone in the cab. Well, the weed doesn't have the baby pictures. Right, right. I don't even have a baby, but. Gotta have those baby pictures. Yeah.

So. Well, here's what, you gotta Gotta have those baby pictures. So, uh... You gotta look on the bright side. Here's my Buddhism. How about the person that got in that cab? Probably drunk, long night, late night, they sit in there, boom, bag of weed. See, that's the problem with Buddhism. I hate that guy. He's got my weed. No, he's a great guy! Good guy, he's happy. You made that guy happy.

I guess I made him happy, but I had to be sad for him to be happy. That's the I happy. I guess I made him happy, but I had to be sad for him to be happy. That's the I Ching. I Ching? I don't know if I Ching is a thing. Is that a Street Fighter character? I'm not sure, but that suffering, it can only be happiness if it's suffering. I know, but shouldn't I suffer and then be happy?

How come I can't have both? One day you'll get in a cab and there'll be a big old bag of weed in there. So this is one of those, they're all connected things. Yeah, interbeing. Interbeing, e-ching, folks. Yeah. You heard it here first. Email us at TuesdaysWithStories at Gmail

and say something nice, if you would. Cha-ching. All right. Whew, I'll get that in the post. We were talking about the food, the dessert, and the thing. I had quite a meal two nights ago. Norway? Can I tell you about it?

Norway. Please. We're back in Norway. We're there and we're in a very fancy hotel room. They put us up and everything. It's nice. That's like one of the richest countries or maybe the richest country. Everything there is twice as expensive as here.

So you go to McDonald's, it's 20 bucks. Wow, weird. And then their money system, they have the Kroner and it's like six to one. So like, if you buy like a coffee, that's like, it's fucking 30 Kroners or whatever. Then their shit's twice as expensive. So like you go and I'm like, I'll have a Big Mac

and like it's fucking 350 Kroners. And you're like, oh, Jesus Christ, whatever it is. Anyways, it's a real fancy restaurant. They give us a gift card to the hotel restaurant, which is like a four-star restaurant. It's like 400 Kroners, which is like 60 bucks, 70 bucks or whatever. They give each of us one.

It's me and Chris DiStefano and Phil Hanley. DiStefano's only there for a day, so he gives me his card. You gotta love that. Beautiful. It turns out it's closed on Sunday. We're there Saturday, Sunday, Monday. It's closed on Sunday. There's Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Yeah.

It's closed on Sunday. So Monday's my big night. It's my only night I have to eat at this fucking place or whatever. So I go down there, I walk in, I got $100 free food or whatever. It's real fancy and I'm like, what's the specials? It's some cod thing and reindeer. Whoa! So I'm like, I'm in Norway. I'm a very picky eater, you know me. But I'm like, I'm in Norway, I gotta do it. I'm a very picky eater, you know me,

but I'm like, I'm gonna eat reindeer, I gotta do it. I got free money, I was like, and I did like the triple check, I'm like, these are gonna work, right? Yeah. They gave me these, because if I don't, I'm fucked, I don't have 100 crown or whatever. Good thinking, I would not have done that.

So the guy's like, yeah, you're good, you're good to go. I'm like, give me the reindeer. I was like, I've never had it, I'm ready to have it, I'm excited, and the guy's like, well, he was really good. He's like, you're American, I was like, I've never had it, I'm ready to have it, I'm excited, and the guy's like, well, he was really good. He's like, you're American, he's like, you've never had it, he's like, you might wanna try it. Why don't I bring out a sample for you to try it? Ooh, I like that.

Which was good because I'm nervous, I get nervous with foods, I'm like, what if I hate this, I just have this $100 meal and I don't eat any of it? So he brings out a sample, three big slices, like bread slices of fucking reindeer. That's a sample. Big, bread slices, of fucking reindeer. That's a sample. Big, it's like a fucking dish. And it's bright red.

If you've ever had a reindeer, the phones are lighting up. Bright red, it's like a thick red, it's gonna look like it's raw but it's not. Maybe you got Rudolph. Yeah, I just ordered the nose. There it is. The hoof. Oop, the phone stopped lighting. Right. By the way, I just

ripped off my buddy Tom Dustin's joke, so if you didn't like it, email him. If I could have laughed, I totally would have kept it as my own. Anyways, the hoof was mine though. Alright, anyways, that's a good fellow. So they gave me these pieces of meat, so I eat it, enjoy it, it's very tender, it's delicious, bright red, I'm like, this is crazy, I'm eating reindeer, he comes back over, he's like, what'd you think? And I'm like, well I loved it, but I ate so much, all I wanted to do was say I ate reindeer. So now that I've had the sample, I'm like, give me the steak. I love the steak. So he's like, alright, so now I've had my reindeer, I'm excited.

I know what's gonna happen, I'm getting nervous already. Oh, what do you mean? I think I figured it out, but keep going. No, nothing crazy. Oh. So he comes over with the steak. Geez, what do you mean? I think I figured it out, but keep going. No, nothing crazy. Oh! So he comes over with the steak. Jeez, what am I listening for? He's got, now there's three big pieces of steak, and then there's

a thing called beef cheek. You ever have beef cheek? I've heard of beef cheek, I never thought to get it. It's the cheek of the beef, of the cow, but he chews so much that it's like the toughest meat. Big old chunk of his cheek, and not the butt cheek. So I have the beef cheek, there's mushrooms, and you know me, I never eat anything. I just ate it all. I'm like, fucking I'm here, I'm eating it. Eat the steak, it's fucking delicious.

Great meal. So now I've had the steak, the reindeer, and he comes over and I'm like telling the story. I'm like, I'm crying, I'm like this is like amazing, I've never eaten anything, it's like a big moment in my life. He's like, well if you're feeling really open minded, why don't you have the whale? Whoa! And I was like, well I can't have any whale. I was like, I can't afford it, I don't know,

I've already eaten, I don't wanna order more. Probably full too. Yeah, I'm full, yeah. I just had a bunch of beef cheek, I had potato, they had applesauce in there, and there's a potato, and steak, and fucking reindeer. So he comes over with the whale, he goes, compliments of the house, just gives me whale.

Get outta here! Gives me reindeer, gives me whale. I was talking to this one guy, I told him this story the other day, and this guy was like, you had a whale? I'm like, well I didn't eat me whale. Get out of here! Gives me reindeer, gives me whale. I was talking to this one guy, I told this story the other day, and this guy was like, you had a whale? I'm like, I didn't eat a whale. Right. I had a piece of whale. But you've had two, you've eaten two animals that I've never seen in real life.

Never seen a whale. I've never seen a whale. Wow, I've never seen a reindeer, but I've seen a whale. I've never, I've never been to Sea World or anything. Next time we're up in Boston, we'll go for a whale watch. Is that right? Yeah, it's fun. Get out of here. Yeah! Alright. We'll go for a whale watch is that right? Yeah, it's fun get out of here Yeah

Well have a good time well watches fun, too Is it I think so it's a nice boat ride good air. Oh, it's a boat ride. Okay. What'd you think it was a fucking? It was a balcony Where do you think they live in the pot? I don't know that's why I was so impressed That was a hell of a balcony. Yeah, they're at the fucking Orthium Theater. They're judging the show. We could sit in the mezzanine if we want.

Oh, we gotta sit in the box seats. The whales took the balcony. We gotta change seats. Hilarious. Now it's a boat. You get on a boat, they take you out. Oh, one time, I got a great whale watch story. I'm digressing. I'm digesting, if you will. Digesting. Who remembers?

Woo. If we ranked the 900,000 people listening to this, who's having the most fun? I gotta be in the top 300, I think. Possibly. All right. I'm in the lower back half. You're in the back of the balcony. Yeah, damn whales one time

I was on a whale watching this old lady pissed her pants it all comes back. Hey, we sat behind I couldn't stop laughing. I was like 15. I've cried. They had to take me off out of there Yeah, I was crying laughing this old lady. It was just dripping out of the bottom of her seat Oh boy, I wasn't at the age where you feel bad for old ladies pissing themselves Right where you almost pissed yourself from laughing at the old lady pissing herself. How great it would have been if she was like, I'm married! Oh boy. Oh boy.

We are having fun. We hope you are. I'm in that middle meaty area of who's having fun now. Alright, we're back. I'm working my way up. So anyways, whale watch, old lady pisses herself. We missed all the whales. We were just watching this old lady piss her pants.

So wait, where are we? Rain, oh they've been to the whale. Oh, reindeer whale. I ate whale. I ate whale. And then it's like black. It's like a really dark black. It's like eating a fucking baseball glove.

Wow. But it tastes like meat. It's like a tenderish meat. It was delicious. So now I'm enjoying this. I'm having this moment where I'm like, this is real life. It was my 10 month anniversary of sobriety. I'm 10 months sober.

I'm getting a free meal. I'm eating reindeer, steak, whale. And then it hits me. I'm 10 months sober. I'm getting a free meal. I'm eating reindeer steak whale And then it hits me. I'm like, what if I get? Violently ill just throwing all these meats and sausages possible So then I'm like I'm gonna get sick and I start I get now I'm worried about that I'm drinking Pepsi out of a wine glass, which is fun. That's good. The guy comes back and he's like, how is it? I'm like, it's all good. It's all great. Boo-ba-boo. And So then I'm like, what if I get I'm scared I'm getting it sick and he's like, how is it? I'm like, it's all good, it's all great, boo-boo-boo. And so I'm like, what if I get, I'm scared I'm getting sick and he's like,

meet his meat, my friend. And I was like, all right, yeah, why not? Meet his meat, I guess. Yeah, very profound. So then my check comes, it's 360 cronies or croners or whatever, kilobits. Yeah. I got $800 worth of gift cards. So I'm like, I'm leaving the next day, I'm like, can you just make this as a tip? Wow! A gift card? They don't even tip there.

What? So the guy's like, what, what do you say? He's like, get more drinks, get dessert, and I'm like, why don't drink, and I'm full, and I already had a thing. And I was like, can you convert it to cash? And he's like, let me see, he leaves for like a half an hour. Wow.

Comes back, and I'm like, there's a chance he's gonna come back with 300 kroner, I'll just be, have money, I'll get paid to eat these things. He's like, I can see, he leaves for like a half an hour. Wow. Comes back and I'm like, there's a chance he's gonna come back with 300 Kroner, I'll just be, have money, I'll get paid to eat these things. He's like, I can't do it. He's like, but I leave it at tip, it'll disperse across the restaurant. I was like, yeah, let's do that, do that. Waitresses start coming over, these hot waitresses.

They're like, thank you, they're bowing at me like a Mother Teresa. Wow. So I ate my whale, I ate my reindeer, I ate my steak, and then I was a hero. You're a god. They carried me out of there. That looks great for America! Yeah, exactly!

We look like good Americans. I go upstairs, five minutes later it's spraying exactly like a blow. I even jumped out of the water and sprayed it. And there was like, I look over, bunch of Asian people with cameras in the balcony taking pictures. Shut up. They're whale watching? They're whale watching.

Literally. That wasn't bad. Whale shitting. Holy moly, that's brutal. Wild one, crazy, but then I was scared. I'm like, what if I'm gonna die here? I'm gonna have the worst dire... There's just one shit, one time only. O-T-O-T-O. Oh, that's not bad. One time, one. Crazy. But then I was scared. I'm like, what if I'm gonna die here? I'm gonna have the worst direc- just one shit. One time only. Oh, that's not bad. One time, one time only. There it is. Wow. That's when I was texting you. We had a heartfelt text back and forth.

Yeah, yeah. Which, how's that money-wise? Are we all right on text prices? Well, cuz I was there. I had Wi-Fi. Oh, okay. And the iPhone to iPhone, it just becomes an iTouch. Right, right. So it's free cuz I had everything off. Thank God for the iTouch. It's pretty good. iPhone it just becomes an eye touch right right so it's free because I had everything off Yeah, I want I did a show at the Poconos and Schumer didn't want to eat the food at the restaurants there cuz that's what it's Come to and she's like I got all these food vouchers here here here So she gave me like 300 bucks in food vouchers, so I was like alright So the only thing that was open was the like the shitty American restaurant You know like it's like a diner theme right like an Applebee thing that was open was the shitty American restaurant, you know? It's like a diner theme.

Right, right. Almost like an Applebee's. Where was this again? Poconos. Poconos, yeah. And so I go in there and I'm stuffing my face. I get the milkshake, I get a beer, I get a Coke. You know, try to spend as much on drinks. Then I get the soup, the salad, a quesadilla, meatloaf,

piece of cake, you know, I'm trying to get everything. And I'm just feeling like ass. And I've only spent like 80 bucks. I've got $300. So I look around and it's just a sea of blue-haired old ladies. Oh, wow. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to make it rain vouchers on these geezers.

So I just go up to old ladies and I just start handing out vouchers. And they're like, I'm like Wayne Newton. They're like, oh my God, oh man, I love you. Like touching me, holding my hand, you know, praying, doing the sign of the cross. You look a little bit like Wayne Newton. Oh boy, I don't know how to take that. Take it well. Dunk a Shane, darling, Dunk a Shane.

Yeah, so yeah, passing those vouchers. You feel like a king. It's a good feeling. Yeah, the best. Oh, I was hoping this was going to be and none of them worked and theyows, you feel like a king. It's a good feeling. Yeah, the best. Oh, I was hoping this was gonna be and none of them worked and they all, you know. Well, then I went upstairs and one of them peed on me. No.

I don't know. But they were old, that's for damn sure. Oh boy. All right. There's been like three themes running through all of this. Yeah, yeah. Peeing and, sorry, I'm checking my notes because all these things happen.

I got solicited sex by a large black prostitute in Norway. Oh, do tell. Only black... Oh, boy. And you just got back from a foreign land. I'm sure you got a lot of good stuff. Let's hear it. All right.

Well, I mean, I'm trying to throw them out there and, ooh, you're making me chuckle the whole thing. I got an erection here and... Oh, yeah. I'm on hour number three, so get the phone ready. I got an erection here and I'm on hour number three. So get the phone ready. I don't know what, all right. Oh, so I go to this jazz show.

I decided to go out. Our friend Phil was there. He's with his girlfriend. They go off and do their thing. I Google some things to do and I'm a jazz fan. So I was like, I'll go see some local music. I go to this jazz theater, beautiful theater, great perfect comedy theater and they come out Kevin Eubanks is in the band. Get the hell out of here. Kevin Eubanks the Tonight Show band leader. I didn't realize this

though, I guess it's dumb of me, I just know him as from like the Jay Leno sidekick dumb... Me too. Unbelievable, like a dynamo guitar player. He's one of the best guitar players in the world. Oh, I didn't know that. Unbelievable, this jazz band, Dave Holland Prism, and this guy Dave Holland's one of the great jazz bass players he played with Miles Davis. This band is unbelievable.

It's stunning, I took some video of it. Best live act I've ever seen in my life. It was crazy. It's just me and these Norwegian audiences. No one's texting, no one's videoing, everyone's just there, polite, listening. I'm like rock, I'm looking around, I'm like, this is this amazing thing. I had this weird moment, this spiritual moment, I was by myself and it was my sobriety and the thing and I'm watching the show and the band is so good and I was thinking we're all going to die and have our own funerals

and have these, but we're all here in this moment together. This artist is giving to one, it was like this beautiful thing, I cried a little bit. Wow, a lot of crying. A lot of crying. E Ching. Yeah, a lot of E Ching, and great band, and Kevin Eubanks, I leave the show, the show's great,

I walk into this bar next door, it's called the Leary's, and it's like a Red Sox sticker, so I was like, what is this place all about? I get close to look, it's a Boston themed bar. Ah, it's called a Leary's, and it's like a Red Sox sticker, so I was like, what is this place all about? I get close to look, it's a Boston themed bar. Ah, I'm perfect. From Boston, it's the best Boston bar I've ever been to, and I grew up in Boston. Wow, weird.

Three floors, wall to wall, fucking memorabilia, autographs, the games, everything. Wow. And I'm talking to all these Norwegian people, they just think of Boston is just America, this is just an American themed restaurant to them. So I'm like, I'm from to all these Norwegian people, they just think of Boston is just America. This is just an American themed restaurant to them. So I'm like, I'm from Boston. And they're like, what?

We don't know. Do you want to seat? Right. Because you think about it, if you went to like a Norwegian bar, it might be a Lily Hammer themed bar, but you would just look at it as Norway. Right. Like, oh, this is Norwegian. Oh, I see.

They don't know what the fuck Boston is. So you're just a guy walking and going up from Boston Yeah, and you're like and I'm like is the owner here is someone like owners. No what you want to say and everyone There's Norwegian they have no idea that they're even in a Boston themed bar They're just at a bar it'd be like if you were Chilean and you walked in with chilies I don't know if that works completely, but it's a different spelling ah But maybe Chipotle Mexico Maybe yeah, yeah, or Aztec. That's like an Aztec Aztec Doba yeah, Qdoba maybe I think that's something no

Chipotle they have little Aztec guys. Oh, yeah Right yeah, it's a Aztecs are done though. They're wiped out. Oh, they've been gone for years. They had a calendar. Were they the calendar? Might have been the Incas. It's the Incas, the Aztecs. Who knows what's what? Who were the douches with the calendar? Mayans. Mayans! Yes, the Mayans.

Inca, that's a... Inca Dinka. Oh, it's like the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria over here. Right. You know, Columbus was a bit of a rapist, I read. That's the rumor. I read a blog about it. Bad guy. Yeah, I think a rapist and a racist. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Well, I don't think you can call them racist then.

Back then, they thought they were... They saw it like, you know, it was a problem. Isn't that annoying when people try to drum that up? Hey, he was a real racist! Well, it was 30,000 years ago, alright? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So anyways, where was I?

Boston Bar, that was exciting. Boston Bean Bar, Chili's. Oh, then I left there and I was solicited some sex by an African, well she wasn't African-American, she was African-Norwegian. Yeah, right. And she was like, me follow you home for a good time? I don't know why I made her Asian. She was Asian, yeah. Yeah, she was Asian, black, Norwegian,

American. How big are we talking? She was big. She looked like she was muscular. She looked like an inside linebacker. Like refrigerator Perry. Yeah, looked like her lips had muscles. She was like big. Well, they probably do, but all that's sucking. She was a strong gal. Yeah. And I was like, no, no thanks. And then I paused to like take in the moment. Like I was like, this is crazy. It was like the King's Castle was right there and the Boston bar and jazz.

And I was crying again. And she walked over, she's like, you change your mind? And I was like, oh no, I'm just taking it in. She's like, you want to take me in? And I kept being like one of those. I was like, no, I don't want, get out of here. It's like a bad sitcom. Yeah, I was like, I don't have the cronies,

get out of here. Right, you don't have cojones? Cronies! Yeah, yeah. And then you do that thing. You wanna deal with my cronies? And then four guys came out with muscles. There you go, yeah.

I wanna do which thing now? It's like that thing on the sitcom where they're like the guy's handing the woman money to make change and they're like, you're going to jail, buddy, cause that's a proselytical thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I was worried about, and I'm already crying, and you're gonna be crying big time

when you get to Norwegian jail where we cane you. Right, right, yeah. And you're like, read my lips, and she's like, you want my lips? We can do this all night. Well, we're running out of time, I gotta get this AOL story out. Oh yeah, yeah, please, Jesus Christ.

You got more? No, no, I'm out, but this was when I was on the Twitter. I was telling you about the meal and the whale and all the stuff, and then you laid this one on me, but I didn't get to hear the story yet. Oh boy, buckle up again. Yeah, I'm buckled. All right, it's a little bit of setup,

but I'll blow through this. No, take your time. A blowhole, right through this butthole. Yeah. All right, so I got hired to be the host of AOL Live. I auditioned, I killed the audition, it went well. I got hired, crazy money. This is like a real job, it was like a big break.

My manager was super excited. Agents like, oh my God, we're doing it. You're becoming a thing. So it's a two week gig. I have to go in and do all this prep work, like do some man on the street, get some stuff on video. I help write sketch, I'm writing jokes, I'm punching up. I'm meeting the staff, I'm in an office nine to five

every day, I haven't done that in years. So it was, you know, good employees, everybody's a lot of fun, it's a good atmosphere. And then next week, starting Monday, was AOL Live. From 12 to one, I was gonna be on live hosting in a suit with a studio audience a band and like You're kidding Costume content this is the tons of money thrown at this they're trying to become like a thing

What is it? Is it the website? It's not a TV channel No, it's a website, but they're trying to they're trying to become like a Hulu. Wow, okay Like it be a real network. Right, right. So this is like their launching pad like look out look what we can do Oh, I didn't realize how big a deal the game was big big gig Oh when you said it I thought it was like a blurb like a aol.com and it's you for 20 seconds I didn't know it was a show. It was an hour-long show every day. I would have been way happier for you No, I mean it was still it was work like it was not fun a lot of time I feel like I was a dismissive friend. I was like I'm good for you. I'm used to it

I thought it was a... Hey, that hurts my feelings. I was joking. I was joking. I thought it was like a thing. Oh, no. I thought it was like a little 30-second spot. I was like, hey, good for you. Oh, no, no. This was like a real job.

All right, so get back to it. But it was ruining my life. I had no sleep. I would do shows at night. You get home at 2 a.m. and you got to wake up at 7. It was brutal. Right, right. Okay.

Hit me with it. Yeah, so Monday rolls around. This is it. The whole week we prepped. We're ready to go. We got segments, we got plugs, we got things to throw too, packages, whatever. So I'm hosting this show, we got a drag queen is my sidekick, she's great, she's funny.

Got a studio audience, we do a costume contest. We have judges, it's like American Idol. And I was killing, I'm just like, every costume you get to riff on, and you can be as mean as you want, and they're like, be edgy, be edgy. They kept telling me, be edgy, we want to like you know yeah start some rumors here they think they want edgy they do so I'm making fun of the judges

everybody's having a good time did it did it did it did that that that uh eventually 45 minutes in everything's going great a lot of a lot of horrible jokes I made some Jew jokes some gay jokes I said jizz and that was the only time they were like good dial it back a bit. Right. I was like, alright, alright, sorry. People are off put by jizz. They don't like jizz.

No. It's a funny word. I love it. Yeah. So. Not, I like the word. Yeah, yeah, you're not drinking it. I hate jizz, yeah.

Right. Is there anything worse than a stranger's jizz, by the way? Can you think of a more appalling liquid? I gotta tell you, a booger is way up there. Alright, I can see it, but I've been hit with a booger. Never been hit with jizz. Well, that's good. You're living life properly, my friend.

Yeah, I guess so. You're hit with jizz, you're, you know. Yeah, you're in a bad way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so everything's going great. I'm hosting my brains out here. And by the way, the jizzy line was, a girl was dressed up as Snow White,

and I said, Yowza, smoking hot. And I said, Yowza, I'm the eighth dwarf Jizzy. And that was my joke. Loved it. Thank you, I was very proud of it. But that was one where he was like, ehh. You know, it's terrifying because like it's my first time and it's live. First time hosting a show and it's live to the whole world. I mean no one's watching but it's live. And it's just cameramen, guys in heads headsets guys with you know big white boards going like do this now do this this guy didn't show up So go to that so I'm constantly trying to act cool like yeah, all right here. We're gonna. Go to this now All right, you're like Billy Crystal. Yeah, exactly

You know and this guy's just behind the camera like ah making noises at me like hand movements I'm just like yeah yeah, all right. So, you know, and so I'm trying to keep it together, trying to be funny at the same time. I'm sweating. It's brutal. I'm wearing a suit, a tuxedo. So this this one girl and a tuxedo. Yeah, I was very hot. So this one girl comes up, she was an African princess, super hot black chick, gorgeous,

like the whole thing, headdress, everything. And I was like, wow, you look amazing, joke here, joke there. And then she goes off and walking on is Catwoman, like a sexy Catwoman with a whip. And I go, hey, watch that whip around the African, because she like cracked the whip. And that was it. That was the line. And it killed. The audience loved it.

It was, you know, all in good taste. And yeah, so then we wrapped up the cost of the costume contest They're like I go go back to makeup put the drag queen thing on I had to go and drag and do a joke and drag And so I'm like getting the makeup on they're filming me get the makeup on making jokes about that Huge eyelashes like silly makeup like big black eyeliner all the way around my face wig dress high heels red ruby lipstick, mascara, the cheeks. And this guy comes in and he goes, can you guys give me a moment,

I gotta talk to Mark for a second. So I turn, pucker lips, eyelashes batting, and I was like, hey, what's going on? Where's everybody going? I watch everybody leave the room, I'm like, what am I in trouble? And the guy goes, yeah, I hate to do this. I was like, what, what, I gotta be on in four minutes,

let's get to it. And he's like, yeah, we gotta let you go. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? What's going on? Sitting in a director's chair, I got the makeup mirror with all the light bulbs in front of me, wearing a full drag outfit. And I'm like, yeah, really?

And he's like, yeah, we're gonna have to let you go. And I'm like, you realize how crazy this is, right? And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, yeah, really? And he's like, yeah, we're gonna have to let you go I'm like you realize how crazy this is right and he's like, what are you talking about? I'm like you're firing me I'm in a this is the most humiliating moment in my life. I'm in a dress full makeup So he's like, yeah, sorry. The line was too much. I almost got fired So it was either me or you I had to let you go and I was like, alright, well, I oh my I understand and he's like, yeah, so You know just collect your stuff and I guess if you want to get out of here and I was like, alright, so I

Took the dress off put my jeans back on I Washed my face a little it didn't come off all the way Jesus. Yeah went home with the makeup on Wow That was it. That's crazy. But you go you must get a big chunk of money. You got the story at least got the story got the money Yeah, they paid me for the full week. so I'm getting paid right now. That's great Yeah, but this is what I said to you over the phone. It's better for you You don't want to be working for some corporation some corporate schlub. Yeah, and some bullshit That's true, and I watched the show today with the new host Yeah, I like I was like oh this is what I was on

with the new host. And I was like, ugh, is this what I was on? It was cheesy. And let me just say this, the whole show, it was a sexy costume, they're making girls do jumping jacks, turn around, they're in bikinis and stuff, it's like, that is so much more degrading than the joke I said. You're degrading women and making them dance.

We had a, oh, you guys are both equally as hot, but you gotta do a dance-off. They're twerking and stuff and the judge is like, I don't know, you got big thighs. And it's like, that's okay. But the racial joke, you know. They're animals and they're dumbing down the fucking country and they're fucking taking women down a peg and then you make an innocuous joke to a real thing that happened that, we're gonna laugh about these things, you know? Yeah, I know. No one's offended. It's a thing that ended years ago that I had nothing to do with that I'm not promoting it.

I wasn't like, woo, slavery, we gotta bring that back. I was saying, hey, these two things go together, African whip. By the way, how about go put on an FM radio right now for the 44th year in a row you can hear Brown Sugar, fucking How come you taste so good? Hear him whip the women just around midnight. It's about fucking slaves. Wow. Is that right? Yeah. Brown Sugar, how come you taste so good? Brown Sugar, just like a black girl should. Wow. There you go.

Hear him whip the women is the chorus. You know what I mean? And I had a nice shining moment. I know we got to get out of here, but my manager called me because he got the news and he was chewing me out on the phone. And I felt like a real showbiz guy, because it felt very classic vaudeville, like, what the hell are you doing, Johnny? You can't say shit like that on national television. And I just snapped back, I was like, I'm a fucking comic, they told me to be edgy, I went edgy, what do you want from me?

Get the hell off my head, and I hung up. Yeah, it's a joke, and that's what happens when you get, this has been happening since the existence of comedy, you get a comedian on live, stuff like that's gonna happen. That's what it is. Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle. It happens. Martin Lawrence, the famous one,

if you give the comics a live fucking thing, someone's gonna get offended. That's why stand-up comedy is so great. That's where we can do it. Yes, it's the only place. And that's why you try to put them in other places. It happened to Gilbert Godfrey with the Aflac horse shit. Right. You know, you gotta be in a club.

You gotta do it. That's the only place, I guess. Yeah. So, fuck them. I'm proud of you. Oh, I'm proud. That means a lot to me. That's great.

To me, that means getting fired for that gig is more exciting and better and cooler than having the gig. Well, you know, that means a lot to me. That's great. To me that means getting fired for that gig is more exciting and better and cooler than having the gig. Ah, well, you know, that means a lot. I mean, it sucks getting fired no matter what it is. I'm sure even like if a Nazi got fired, he'd be like, ah, this is a little rough. Right, right. So like, it sucks getting fired, but you know, it shakes you up a little bit.

If you got fired for not being funny, you have a problem. Yes, yes. You got fired for being too funny. Hey, boy. You know? You heard it here first, folks. You don't know what that means to me. That's very nice. Yeah, no, it's good. I'm proud of you. Well, I'll probably get sued by them after this podcast, so we'll see what happens. No, fuck them. We have good lawyers here at the podcast.

That's true. We got 300 million listeners here, so. There you go. Every single person in the country is listening to this podcast. Yes, call in and tell us what you go. Every single person in the country is listening to this podcast. Yes, call in and tell us what you think. Boy, well, that's a hell of a tale. We had Norway, we got Fyre, it was a big week for us. Big week, yeah.

And, well, once again, thanks for listening and please keep listening. And if you're listening and enjoying the show, tell some friends about it because we would like this to be like a grassroots sort of movement here. Yes, yes, definitely. And tweet in and we gotta give a shout out to Stand Up New York, one of the best clubs in New York and in the country probably.

Yeah, yeah, you can see us both here pretty regularly. Yeah. Several times a month. And I think that I might try to record my CD here. I love this room. There's a new space upstairs here that we're recording the podcast in. And they're doing amazing things here at Stand Up New York, Stand Up Labs, listen to the other shows on the network, great club.

And they're a bunch of great young Jewish chaps over here, and they're just wonderful people. Yeah, there's about 13 Mizzuz's on the doors out there. We get it, guys. We get it. Frankly, it's a little heavier than Jew, but it it's a great place and they're doing amazing things. You should see the setup in here. We're gonna do a live show soon.

We're gonna have people come in. Seats about 40 or 50 people. Am I fired for the Jew stuff? All right, because I was just kidding. I'm not kidding. I mean, there's a lot of Jews. Well, you're in a club, so you can say it. Yeah, yeah, we're in a club.

I'm on stage, really. Yeah, but yeah, I mean. There's a piano in here, they're painting it. There's a great movement happening up're painting it there's a there's a great movement happening up here on the Upper West Side. It feels like a movement and we're proud to be on the cutting edge the inner circle. We're proud to be a part of it. Whatever the fuck it is. On the team. Yeah, the team. Team is the word I was looking for. Glad to be here. Yeah, and you know if you're if you're visiting New York or if you live in New York come to this club

it's they they handpicked they have they know what they're doing here great show always a hot show and thanks for listening Yeah, tweet at us at Tuesday stories on Twitter and then Tuesday stories at gmail And then yeah, if you if you have something negative just keep that to yourself if you don't mind please very sensitive I cry a lot in Norway and we know that Anyways, we love you and thanks for listening at Mark Norm, at Joe List Comedy, at Tuesday Stories and please tell a friend or two and thank you for listening. We love you. Love you, bye!

Bye.