Tuesdays with Stories! - Tuesdays' Patreon Preview Bonus

Episode Date: December 27, 2022

Hey everybody - every year we take the week of Christmas off. If you're a Tuesgay, you know this is the one week each year where we don't release an episode. Well this year, we're releasing a little peek behind the paywall on the Tuesdays with Stories Patreon. In this ep we're throwing you a few clips of all of our Patreon shows - Must Queef TV, Give It a Goog, live Tuesdays with Stories, Hot Gay Sets, Q + Anal, and even a snippet of our normal behind-the-scenes bonus Tuesdays eps. Plus, we're wrapping it up with an O.G Tuesdays from 2013. We release the O.G. Tuesdays episodes on Patreon here and there. If you'd like to sign up, you get ad-free versions of the normal weekly Tuesdays, plus you get a brand new bonus episode from one of these shows each week. It's $3 a month for all this right now. On 01/01/2023 we will be changing our pricing, but if you sign up before then, you'll be grandfathered in at $3 a month. Hope you guys enjoy it! Happy Holigays! 

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List. Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. Hey there, folks. Welcome to Tuesdays with Stories. I'm Joe List. Mark has a medical emergency. Hopefully he doesn't die. This is Christmas week. Every year, we have a tradition.

We take this week off. And this year, our pal, our captain of the ship over there, Chuck... Chuckie baby! Put together a little compilation of a bunch of stuff from the Patreon. You can listen to it right now. I hope you enjoy it. Stuff that maybe you haven't heard yet. And it'll give you a little taste of the Patreon.

Which, by the way, you have only a few days to join up at the current cost. You can get grandfathered in for three bucks. If you join today, New Year's Day, it's going up a little bit. You'll be grandfathered in if you're already in there. So get on now and enjoy this little compilation. We take the holiday off so we can go fuck our dads and blow our mothers. So it's a tradition. If you're new to the show, we always do this.

But this year, you get a little bonus. And I think you're going to enjoy it. Yep, we've had a bunch of people on over the years. A ton of appearances from Ari Shafir, Burt Kreischer, Dan Soder, Stavros, Krista Stefano, Bobby Kelly, Shane Gillis, Michelle Wolf, Tim Dillon, Nikki Glazer on a live episode, Sal Vulcan on a live episode. Tons of stuff there. So what's the first clip we're going to?

This is from a recent bonus called Techno Farts and Auto Tune. And you're going to love it. This is a hilarious moment. So enjoy this clip. Hey, folks, here we are, a Patreon. You know who you are. You know where you are. You're on the best goddamn Patreon in America.

Possibly the world. What's cooking? What do we got today, Chuck D? Well, I found this funny thing and I thought that you guys would like it. So we just recently recovered access to the Tuesdays with Stories Gmail account. Which is Tuesdays with Stories at gmail.com. So this is an email that I found that came in October 28th, 2013. So the show had been on the air for a month.

Yeah, barely. Wow. Yes, barely. And like this is nine years ago as of today. Wow. Which is November 2022. Yes. Nine years ago.

Says, hey guys, just wanted to say I really love the podcast. I'm a stand up in DC and I've been following you guys for a while. Mark, I've been a fan of yours since your Conan. Joe, I saw you live when you came through Arlington this year and was super impressed. Ooh. The podcast great overall, but the episode where you guys discussed being introverted and the gap between yourselves on stage and the rest of the time was especially awesome to hear.

Wow. I had that exact experience this weekend. I was headlining a local show, tons of people there. It's an alt room that kind of morphs into an after party once the show's over. I have a great set and I'm looking forward to maybe talking to and or fucking some girls or something. Sure. And I was just kind of exhausted and tired of being around people.

Anyway, thanks for making me feel like less of a stooge for reacting that way. Keep up the good work, guys. I've been telling friends about the podcast and will continue to do so. Hope to catch you guys perform the next time you're in the DC slash Baltimore area. Thanks. Stavros Halkias. Oh, that's amazing. I love it.

Adorable. So sweet. I remember meeting style. He's changed so much. By the way, he used to be so smooth. Yes. He was just a smooth baby face. He was like a manatee with glasses.

Now he looks like an old man. But that is adorable. By the way, the same thing happened with Shane. These people are Tuesdays fans. Then they become comedians. Then they stop listening to the show. Yes, exactly. That's what's a bummer.

It's the worst when someone's like, I'm a huge fan. I do comedy because you're like, oh, so you'll stop listening soon. Stavros isn't popping on to Tuesdays with stories anymore. Yeah, Gillis was a fan. We had a lot of fans who gave up because they blew up. Are you garbage guys? Kevin Ryan at least definitely still listens. He still listens, I think.

Yeah. But it's adorable to see how, because at the beginning you have nothing going on. You have no prospects. You're so disconnected from this comedy world. Right. So you're trying to throw an email in. Nate did a few of those. He sent one to Burr to, I think, Jimmy Fallon maybe.

Yeah. And now he's doing the Bridgestone Arena. So it's fun how that works. That's cool. So anyway, fart techno songs. This, this I think you're going to like. Well, let's say, so Joe was recording farts and playing them on the show. And you said, I think some people, hey, take these and turn them into beats or something.

Yeah. So this, this fella whose name is Dustin Adams. RDA. This is, I mean, this is goal. We're going to, I'm getting this animated currently right now. Yeah. This will be up on YouTube soon. Wow.

I'll play in the room for us to hear, but I'll insert it in the edit too. You don't. So don't worry about putting on the mic or anything. I'll put it right on the mic. I'll go for nuts. And then you're going to like this because this one's got a lot of, a lot of layers. Sick beat. I played this for my niece and nephew who are 10 and seven.

And you'll see why it's hilarious. They loved this part. At this point, they were like, this is great. Man, it sounds great. It's like Tiesto. Nice classic. Come shoes right out of my ass. Same.

Wow. What an ending. Oh my God. Who gave a shout out to ever made that. Dustin. Dustin. I gave him credit. I said at the beginning.

Oh, I'm saying it again. Dustin Adams. Holy shit. I mean, it's incredible and it's going to be animated soon. I think this thing could sweep the nation. Oh yeah. It's going up. Wow.

It's winter, but whatever. Either way, it's going to be big. Wow. That's going to hit the charts, baby. American bandstand. I forgot. Oh, I just hit my ball. God, we can slow that down and make it a real.

I just put my phone on my right testicle and it really charred me. But yeah, I mean, I asked people to make music. I didn't think it was going to be that, but I just forgot about it. And I was like, oh, my niece and nephew, they'll love a fart song. Oh yeah. And I just started screaming, fuck my ass. They're like, what does coming my asshole mean? But I'll show you tonight.

Please. But yeah. So Dustin Adams, well done. And I got a guy who's going to make it something. He's got something up his sleeve. You got Pixar on there. I got. Yeah.

Send me the farts because I'll put them up in the Patreon so people can download the real deal because people are pulling them from you just putting on your phone. Oh, okay. You could send me the actual files and I'll put them up in the Patreon. Did I play the Matt Wayne one? Matt Wayne has one. Wait, do you hear this? Is this a regular fart or a beat?

This is a regular fart of his. I mean, it's not a regular fart. I have more fart beats too. Oh, great. Hold on one second. Oh, great. Yeah. You got to hear this.

This is a Matt Wayne. Now, keep in mind this starts in progress. This is our friend Matt Wayne. One of the greats. He's mid fart. I hope it's not mid. If it's mid, he's got serious problems, but it's into it. Oh, my God.

That sounds like lips. That sounds like enus lips. Are we sure he's not letting the balloon out? Yeah, it's something's up. Well, he's vegan. So I think it's a lot of beans, a lot of broccoli, and a lot of French fries too. I think it's broccoli and fries give you that. Yeah.

Wow. He might want to get a looksie at that balloon nut. That's a stretcher. Yeah. So good for him. Here's another clip from Give It A Goog. We're doing all these bonus shows that are really fun. You know about a Musqueef TV.

This is Give It A Goog. Mark and I painfully watch old videos from 2009 to 2010. And I think it'll be fun for you to hear it. And here's us talking about it in pain. I have the craziest video view. It seems like it's not even the same person. Me? Yeah.

We changed. This is wild. I'm terrified. What is it from? What is this? This is my fucking a lady. I'm glad mine's over. It says Joe List five minutes set.

That's all it says. Oh, is it at the comedy studio? I think we watched this one. No, it's not. It's not that one. It says pre that one. Dressed very different and he acts quite different. Oh, wow.

You're wearing leather jacket? No. Oh, those are the bad ones. Your hair, though. It's going to be weird. This is the thing. I feel like this is going to be like from like three years ago. I'm going to be horribly insulted.

I'm excited to be here. I was talking to my manager tonight. I was like, mom, I got to get that. That was my opener for so long. Oh, that's pretty good. I thought it was tiny shirt. I guess that was my screw. My hair is like it's poofy poofed up.

You look Jewish here somehow. It's so it's so fucking dark. Wow. This is the bad time of my life. Hey, that's a good line. Let's try these things. Bring that back. I mean, I did this joke for years.

Great joke. Killed. A zinger. Zinger. Yeah, this must be like, oh, five. Wow. That's pretty good. Killing.

This is good. Yeah, it's not bad. And clean. Oh, the hair and glasses. Jesus. You look scruffier and puffier. The next day, I called her up on the phone. But then she gave me a fake phone number.

Because I got the answering machine. It was some guy. It was like, hey, Rich Pete. This is a big argument. This is a big argument. I was like, hey, Pete. This is Joe. We met at a club last night.

You were a girl named Katherine? I got a big argument about this joke. It happened to Ben Boyn. That story happened to Ben Boyn. And then I did the joke. Oh. And he was like, oh, can I do that? That's where I got this YouTube from.

It's from his YouTube. Oh, weird. You're kidding. I think so, yeah. What's his last name? How do you spell it? Is it J? No, B-O-I-M-E.

B-J-O-R-N. Oh, Bjorn. This is Bjorn Whitland. That's my old manager. Oh, that's who it is. That's where it was. That's hilarious. This is like me trying to get.

What was the argument? You know, what do you call it? Representation. Oh. So Ben Boyn was at a bar and he was like, yeah, I met this girl. I got her number. And then when I called a dude answered and then I said, oh, you should have said, hey, we met last night.

You were a woman named Susan. And then he was like, oh, can I use that? And I was like, well, that, I just made the joke though and he's like, right, but it happened to me. Oh, yeah. And I was like, right. And then I made it into a joke. Yes.

So why would you get the joke? And he's like, because it happened to me. Yeah. But you made it. I mean, the Holocaust didn't happen to you, but we have Holocaust jokes. But a hundred percent of the joke is mine. Yes. And then we fought about it.

And at that time you have no material. That's all you have. So you're like, I need this. Yes. I only come up with three jokes a year. Exactly. But eventually I was like, I'm doing it. And then we asked a bunch of people.

What'd they say? I think most people were on my side, but a lot of people were like, well, it is his story. But I'm like, well, his story is I called a woman and a guy answered. That's his story. Yes. The joke you should have told him when I met you. You were a woman.

Yeah. The bottom line of it to me is if you had never said that line, he wouldn't have the joke anyway. Right. So he just told a story. You made it funny. I feel like it's yours. Yes.

That's what's so funny is the idea of just treating this man as though he was the woman. Of course. That's the joke. Obviously he's not the same person you talk to. Yeah. It's funny how now you could go with a trans angle. I know. But these were different days.

I know. Even that, this is offensive. All right. Yeah. I guess so. We've seen enough of this one. Let's keep going. We'll keep going.

It's not a bad set. You're doing well. The jokes are good. The jokes are good. Let's keep going. You got it. I see. I called.

That happened in high school. Yeah. Product my hair. Some dudes like, hey, man, I look like shit. That's a little DiPolo. You look like shit. I mean, I'm killing. I have to say.

Yeah. And you're cool as a cucumber. I was starting. I was so nervous and jittery, you know, it's step on the laughs. You guys are drinking, I'm sure. It looks like it. I think I did post this on my YouTube channel.

Don't drink and drive though, right guys? Okay, sure. Drink and drive. Don't drink and drive. I had one of those parties last week. We were drinking till like 7.30 in the morning, right? We just boozed it up. I'm sure you guys have had those.

Drinking till like 7.30 a.m. My buddy comes up to me. He's like, hey, what's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Just like looking at him and the man Pitcher and I, you know,

let's get to work. I'm like, yeah, what's up? Yeah, don't drink and drive. I'm like, let's go. I'm just like, hey, what's up? And he's like, dude, I'm gonna drive him home. And I was like, no, don't drink. You can't drive home because I'm responsible.

He goes, no, no, it's cool. It's 7.30 a.m. The cops will think I'm going to work. It's like, oh, I see it really thoughtless. But I don't think that cops are being fooled by that truth. There's two cops sitting in their cruises, like, hey, look at this guy on the wrong side of the road, the airbag. I must be late for work, ain't you? Killing.

Yeah. This joke is, I remember this from Sacramento. Yeah, that was a great joke. This is a big joke, too. I mean, these are my big jokes. It's pretty good. It's also funny, too. What are you, 22?

Yeah, probably 28. The jokes are about getting drunk and trying to get laid. Yeah, yeah. Are you right what you know? That's what's going on in your life when you're 22. I look back, I watch this, and I'm like, I should have gotten new faces. That was pretty good. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, what the hell? That's some good stuff there. Another one of our favorite shows, Q&A, questions and anal, folks. This is questions the Patreons have sent us, and we take them, we answer them, and we love you. So listen to this. Here's some of your questions you always wanted to know answered right now. From Tanner Kim, are there any memories that come to mind about a time when you both made

each other piss or come close to pissing from laughter? Oh, well, I mean, obviously the Brad Garrett book is on the Mount Rush. Yeah, that was big. That was big. I still can't hold in a smile when I watch that. Yeah, that was great. Just thinking about it. But to me, the ultimate shit your pants, laughing, fall over, keeling.

Keagle was the gay joke. Oh, that's the best. You told the gay street joke about... That's the best moment in history. Two days of story. Don't come yet until I get back out and answer the phone. And then, you know, you know the joke that comes everywhere, and he goes, I farted. We were laughing so much just at the set up.

Oh, my God. And you had no idea what was coming. It wasn't a joke at all either. So it was all new to me. And you laughing while telling it is funny. Like, you know, with the high voice and the breathing. Oh, man, that's great. That was an all-timer.

I mean, one of the off-air ones was in my old kitchen with Cantor, the apartment of Cantor. And I was doing a DiPolo bit. And it was awesome because we were drunk and high. And I think like Sarah and Cantor were there also. And they were like laughing, but it just didn't hit the way we did. And you were crawling on the floor and was spitting water. Yes. And it was the bit about the dildo.

His wife went and got a dildo. Oh, yeah. And it had more veins in it than Iggy Pop's forearm. And he was looking at you. She stole a pepper shake from the steakhouse. And then she stole the battery. She took the batteries out of the flashlight to put in the dildo. Yes, yes.

He's like, then there was a fire and the fire alarm's going off. He's like, I'm on my hands and knees crawling around. Look, it's something. Anyways, I was just doing the bit for you. I don't think you had heard it. And we were fucking both holly. It was very similar. That's really all you want as a comedian is to be the guy who's

joked they're doing in a room where the guy's falling on the floor laughing. I fuck Carnegie Hall. Fuck Netflix. That's what you want out of life. Yeah. Yeah. So a lot of good laughs.

But the Brad Garrett one, that was the highlight of the whole COVID. What did you call it? Yeah, the pandemic. I mean, that was gold. All right. From Colin G. Mark was in Horace and Pete. And Joe just wrote a movie with Louie.

Any plans to do something as a trio in the future? Tough to say. I mean, it's kind of up to Louie, I guess. Yeah. Certainly no plans. No. We don't have a plan for anything. This wasn't even planned.

Yeah. No plans. You want to talk a little bit about the movie you're going to do in Florida, the documentary? Because you haven't talked about that anywhere besides my podcast. I don't know what this is either. I know. He hasn't talked about it.

It's exclusive. Oh, well, I'm going to shoot with Tom Dustin. I just want to shoot. Tom's so fun. Tom is such a character. And so I'm going down there and going to just do like Scorsese style, the docs he did about Easy Andy from Taxi Driver. Forget the guy's name.

I'll think of it in a second. But American Boy. And then he did Italian American with his parents, where it's just filming these people hanging out. I want to do it with Tom Dustin. Oh, great idea. We're going to shoot Tom just telling stories. And he has a business now shooting Aguanas.

Oh, really? Called FBI. He's going to do it, right? Yeah. He's shooting Aguanas. He runs a comedy club. He's such a character. Wow.

He's like the mayor of Key West. And he's just the funniest guy. And that's great because I always say on stage you lose 25% of your funny. Yes. You never as funny as you are just hanging out in the room at a bar or whatever. And that's Tom in a nutshell. He's obviously a funny comic. But when you're just hanging out and sitting with him,

you are howling, laughing. He's the funniest guy. So the fact you're shooting that part is brilliant. No, one time. This is years ago and two girlfriends ago, I think. But his girlfriend was dancing on the bar and he goes, it's coyote uglier. Oh, you see? Yeah.

He's got a million of those funniest guys. So we're going to shoot him in the wild in his own element. Yeah. There's your film. That's cool. What does that old saying? There's people who say funny things. And there's people who say things funny.

He's both. Yes. What did he say about? This is probably a bad idea. What did he say about Shelby? Shelby. We shot a podcast with Shelby in my old apartment with Tom Dustin. And you know, he's kind of tuned up.

It's like noon. And Shelby walks away all crooked. And Tom says, like, odd guy or something. He said something and it just cut the tension. Oh, he goes on. He's an odd fellow or something like that. And we all lost it. He's got a million.

And yeah, he's the greatest. That's great. All right. From Brittany. Yeah, Brittany. Female gaze. They're coming out of the woods. Do y'all have any, ooh, Southern.

Do y'all have any advice for overcoming fear slash imposter syndrome? I think stand-up comics are brave for how they put themselves out there despite whatever insecurities they have. I have this all the time. The imposter thing. You know, you're at a big venue and you're like, what am I doing here? Who am I? You know.

So I think you just got to just go push through. If you're there, you're probably supposed to be there. So just enjoy it and quit finding a way to hate yourself. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Just push through. Just do the gig.

Do the show. Do whatever thing you're doing. And we all have that feeling. And I think if you have that feeling, that's a good sign. It's worse if you're going, I should be here. I'm the fucking greatest. I should be bigger or whatever. Yeah.

David Tell's not sitting around going, what the hell, man? I'm brilliant. I should be at Madison Square Garden. No, he's going. What's my next bit? Yeah. Gotta have some balance. I think just accept the fear.

It's scary. Yeah. Life is scary. Accept it. Feel it. Keep moving. Not good. Here's one from Must Queef TV.

This is my favorite. We watch all episodes of Kirby enthusiasm, Seinfeld, comedians and cars. Mark and I give a little, you know. Commentary. You're going to love it. It's Tuesdays. Must Queef TV featuring all your favorites. So if you're scared, if you haven't got the stomach for this, let's get it out right

now. And I'll go on my own. All right, dammit. I'm in. Anyway, thanks, too. That's very nice. Thank you. What about me?

You thank me, too? Well, why do I have to thank you? Must Queef TV. Tuesdays. Hey, folks, we're back with another Must Queef TV NBC. What does NBC stand for for us? It's nice to start with that. Nazi bitch come.

Hey, that's good. All right. We'll take it. Nazi bitch come. We're rebranding. Perfect. It's funny because when I think N-word, I'm like, we're fucked. I can't even do this.

That's what I am. That's the first thought. But you know, you got Nazi in the back pocket. All right, live from Nazi bitch come and Must Queef TV. We're sticking with season seven, which is real peak last Larry season. Oh, yeah. You know, it's beautiful about season seven and stop me if I brought this up, but it had a great run, you know, four, five, six is great and eight, it gets too wacky.

But seven had all the great writing with just a little bit of the wacky. Some wacky. And it wasn't too much though, but it was a good, it was the perfect mix. And then it went too far. It was believable wacky. And it was the best. And here's one of the great apps. This is the hot tub, which is John Paul, which I referenced in this week's episode.

This is job. You got that right. He's Trinidadian and toboggan. Yes. So great joke, by the way. Yes. Yes. And this is one of the real clinks together of all time.

Because Kramer's storyline, he can't get his core temperature up. He's got the coffee. Yes. John Paul. It's really magical and Jerry's concern for John Paul is great. Yes. The one thing that's annoying is the Himalayan walking shoe. I'm not that into that storyline.

That wasn't the strongest story, but it all worked because he was staying with her. Yes. So she's still tied in. So they pulled it off. Who is this? A Max Pros? Not sure. Maybe a Gamble and Pros.

Maybe a Pros. I think so. But her story, when she like figures it out, you're like, who cares? Yeah. But the John Paul stuff is great. And it's a magical episode. And this is, they were really, they were really hot. Sarah and I watched some episodes this week at some early ones.

We watched the, we'll tell him we're frightened and we have to go. You have to leave. You have to leave. That is so good. We watched that. We watched some season four. Also, it's got to feel good. Whatever the guy's name is, the runner, whatever his real name, I don't know, the actor, but

he kills it and it's got to be nerve wracking to swoop in with this cast. It's the cement is dry. These people are in. They got a rhythm and you got to swoop in and be, he's like a big part of this episode and he killed it. Yeah. He's amazing. And they're, they're great.

It's just a classic. I'm excited to watch. Can't wait to watch. He overslept and missed the whole race. Isn't that amazing? I'll tell you what happened. I bet he got the AMPM mixed up. Ty doesn't go with the shirt.

My money's on the snooze. I bet you hit the snooze for an extra five and it never came back on. Done the AMPM. You're whole life riding on an alarm clock. Alarm clocks. I never used them. He is the best character. What do you do?

He's great. He is so compelling. I set my head for quarter to seven. I wake up. It always works. It never fails. See, it's based on your body clock. Your body has an internal mechanism.

It knows what time it is. What's with the bucket? Lo-Mez. He sold me his hot tub. Hot tub? Yeah. It's in my living room. I just got a fill.

You put a hot tub in your living room? Oh, it's about beauty. It's got these high volume accusage jets. He doesn't have running water in his apartment. Muscle. That's a great point. Get over 120 degrees. Is that tolerable?

It's tolerable. Great delivery coming up here. Is that the same temperature of the coffee that's called a jet? I think it's a little cooler than that. Watch George's delivery here. So good. He doesn't have any running water? That's just kind of questions anyway.

Hey folks, Patreon. You know what we do every now and then? We throw up a live app. This is a great one. Hotest crowd ever. At the Comedy Cellar. Karen Feehan. Siobhan Bombed.

It's a peach. Get on it. Let's get the guests down here. Oh, look at the guests going. Hey, all right. We've got two guests. And they're not famous or even successful, frankly. No, no.

So one of them, I'll be the man because he's kind of... You bring up the guy because I got a little beef here. This is my... You ever meet a man and you just think, this is where meant to be. We're partners for life. This is my new best friend. He loves Seinfeld.

He gets all the Seinfeld references. He's got a big wobbly head. All right, all right. Ooh. I can deal with that. What if I do the impression before you meet him? Please. Go.

What? That was just a retarded person. I don't know. He's a little retarded. Okay, okay. But now you'll see the impression that when you see him, it's going to be an explosion of laughter. Ooh.

All right. He better be bobbling that head or else this will be a real letdown. Oh, he'll bobble. All right. All right. Here he comes. Sebastian, man of Scalco. Yeah, everybody.

No, I'm only kidding. Just kidding. Sorry. The lady is not a Tuesday. I felt for it. I felt terrible. I'm so sorry. He wouldn't do it.

We asked him. I don't even know where the guy is. I think he's right there. Sebastian. Oh, Andrew Chabot. Everybody gets Andrew Chabot. There you go. It's down there.

It's down there. I don't see a bobble. What are you talking about? I just got here. Jesus. All right. All right. I need a bobble ASAP.

Oh my God. I can't believe I'm sitting next to you. You hate me. No. You're the summer me. You hate me. Yes. Yes.

Seinfeld's van. I'm being replaced. Oh. I feel like a third wheel here. I'm literally coming between you two here. I know. Well, the third wheel goes on the end. Ah.

He's the third wheel. Oh, all right. No, they're going to hate him. Yeah, probably. I feel it. Oh, they thought the Sebastian thing buried me. They're all disappointed. They don't know.

I feel so bad. Sorry. All right. Bring up the other lady. All right. And hey, this next comic. Super funny. We love her.

One of the coolest cats out there. You're going to really shit a brick when you see her because you don't know who she is. Put your hands together for Ellen DeGeneres, everybody. No. No. Just kidding. She's much nicer and eats less box.

Put your hands together for Karen Fee. Come on. There we go. Karen. She's very little. Oh, here she comes. She's very petite. Hey, all right.

You look great. Give it up for Karen. There she goes. All right. By the way, I never thought about this. Karen, you're a fun gal. You're so not a Karen. Right.

You know what I mean? Yeah, on the opposite. But you're not Karen. You're Karen. No. I'll get triple teamed by black guys. I don't care. Whoa.

Hey. Out the gate. I'm not calling the cops on anybody. Yeah. Unfortunately, we have zero here. I see a black guy right there. There we go. Oh, hey.

You fuck, Karen. All right. I assume she's had them all. I feel racist, but I can't see him. Oh, there he is. Oh, no. It's very bright. I got him.

I got him. It's a dark room. He's on a date. Yeah. Black guys be fucked. Yeah. It's just two. Boo.

Just get in there, Shiv. He hates me. He hates me. Oh, no. You seem nice. I'm still waiting on a bobble. Oh, yeah. All right.

You can't. A bobble ass. It's kind of like if Joe Mackey took his meds a little bit. I think three people would get that. Okay. Well, let's get into it. We have no format. We don't know what we're doing.

The live ones tend to suck. So far. All right. Yeah. We're cooking. Even the weird new people are leaning in. Oh, folks. Hey.

Hi. Hi, weird new people. They're very nice. Yeah, they're great. Let's do a wave. You start the wave. We'll shoot it down to the new people. Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. I wasn't ready. Oh, okay. Hey. All right. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

That guy ruined. That guy ruined. Oh, we should have kept it going all the way around. All right. Let's try it again. We'll go all the way to the end here and back to you. Oh my God. I'm learning so much about comedy.

Here we go. Are you serious? Yeah. All right. Here we go. Yeah. Now, this is good listening. Good stuff.

Did you keep going? All right. For the people at home, we just did the wave. Yes. It's more of a visual gag, but yeah. This goes on. This is paid material on our podcast. They're going to wish they were here.

You have to pay seven bucks to listen to people do the wave. Don't you guys think we should have let the Asian person start the wave? Hey. Oh. I'm joking. I'm just kidding. The wave. Is that a tsunami joke?

Ah, variant. No. Oh, variant. The new wave. Oh, sorry. I forgot you guys did that. Lab. Yes.

Still impressive that they made a virus. It was effective. Yeah. Really big. I mean, I think it's a hoax. So Karen, how do you pronounce your name? Karen. It's Karen.

Perfect. Karen. Yeah. You were in Massachusetts. Yes. That's great. Common. Absolutely.

There's Vans or Sheeans. There's man's. Whoa. Oh, enough about. Leah Thomas. We're moved on from that. Sheen. Oh, I see.

I don't know. I thought it was. I mean, mindbomb. Oh, yeah. I just said last names. By the way, Siobhan eating is cock so far. I mean, nothing. Wait, I got no in.

I don't know. He hates me. The energy's bad. A chime. You gotta chime. All right. So wait. You guys are both sober, huh?

Yeah. That's something for Boston. Yeah. I still smoke pot occasionally. I don't like to be a poser. I don't like to take away from people who don't do anything. That's fair. Yeah.

But I haven't had a drink in almost four years. Hey. Show them the tattoo. I have a tattoo in my arm that says don't serve me. Oh. It's okay. Bartenders can't read cursive. Oh.

Are we doing bits? Are we doing bits, Karen? Karen, someone punch me. All right. I have a tattoo in my stomach that says don't blow me. Hashtag herpes. Siobhan has never listened. Go.

I'll back. It's a green light. Hey, folks. We got a hot gay sets coming at you. If you don't know, that's where we go behind the scenes. We film a show. We film a live pod. We film a road gig.

Who knows? And it's usually a video series, but we found just a lunch clip for the audio. So check it out. Hey, folks. Here we are in Newport, Rhode Island for the Rogue Island Comedy Festival. It's been a hellish travel week. So when was the last time you were home before today? Three weeks ago.

No. Yeah. Three weeks? I've been gone. I've been living out of a suitcase. Everything's got skid marks. It's covered in jizz. I got a clan hood in there.

Three weeks? Where the fuck have you been? Because you went to Louisiana. I went to Madison. Did a weekend there. Four days there. Then you went straight to New Orleans. Had a full week in New Orleans.

Saw the parents and found a wedding venue. Then I did a four days in Nashville. Nashville today. And then I went home, dropped my shit off. The lady said, kill yourself, blow me. I hate you. Three weeks. Yeah.

I landed in Newark today and jumped right in the guy's car. And came here, we got a flat tire. There's no spare in the car. There's just a fix of flat. It didn't work. We had to get picked up. That piece of shit's just sitting out there in Hope Valley, which is like a half hour away.

And then we're going to drive back, praying to God the whole tire doesn't blow up. And then I get back to New York hopefully by 2 a.m. Try to plow the lady. Go to bed. And then I got podcasts tomorrow. We might be drunk tomorrow. Then I got shows tomorrow in Jersey. So I'm going to take the beamer out and go to that.

So if you want to come, Chuck, feel free. And how long are you in New York where do you get back? Three days. And then? I leave again on Thursday. I go to Rochester. We get sold that out. Rochester is a shit town in upstate New York.

At least it's not Syracuse, but still. And then I'm back in New York and then we go somewhere else after that. Holy shit. It's like Sisyphus. You got to keep pushing the ball up the hill. Oh my God. Yeah. That's kooky.

But we're here at the Wayfinder Hotel. I'm headlining this first show at six. Then we got another one at eight. It's better to be working and not working. And you know, the gigs are coming and people are buying tickets. Yep. Well, someday you're going to be riddled with cancer and AIDS. And you're not going to be able to do this stuff.

That's true. That's true. We're going to have to broadcast Tuesdays live while you're getting dialysis. Ha, ha, ha. Cleave. Yeah. Ale. Beep.

Well, that'd be a good Patreon. All right. I got to go on. I'm up next. I'm headlining this thing. Let's do it. Then we got another show after that. So we'll have a few pops.

All right. Let's do it. It's going to be fun. Hopefully you can film us plugging that tire and be putting in a butt plug. Holy hell. Oh, yeah. Hey, hey. Comedy, huh?

Here we are. Rhode Island. Hell of a state. Tiny state. My dick looks huge here. Yeah. I like coming here. You know?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm coming here. You know? I've been here for many weeks. Picked up little Portuguese.

So the first show was hot. They were like lights out. That crowd was killer. Yeah. And, yeah, a lot of times you do the thing about these festivals is you get a real mix. You know, you get old, young fans, not fans, comedy people who are like, let's see a show and then like comedy fucking psychos. So the festivals can go either way, but that crowd was bananas.

What's an interesting thing about this festival is it seems like it brings in a lot of people from the island as well as the comedy fans. So it is, I think, a 22-year-old guy sitting next to a 65-year-old woman. Yes. You noticed that? I did. I did. And they were all on board.

I couldn't believe it. Yeah. I've also noticed rich people and conservative people tend to be better laughers. And that's probably a lot of these people. That's true. So, like when I did that trance stuff, they were like, they were into it. And I was like, easy, easy, I'm not trying to trash them, I'm not Chapelle over here. And that's why I also cover my ass with like, I'm jealous of Tram, they're so confident,

self-esteem, I don't have any of that. You know, I'm trying to blow them after. Right. Or read them out, whatever they have. Hey folks, one of the things we love to post is an OG Tuesdays episode. This is going back 2013, when we really got cooking. This is when we really started rolling. So you're gonna love it.

It's a blast from the past, jizzing my ass. You are now checked in to stand up New York Labs. Oh yeah. Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with...

Stories. Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag. Surf's up. And she didn't even flush. Knock, knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List.

Yeah! This is Tuesdays with stories, everybody. Nah, that's terrible. This is supposed to be cheesy. Alright, what do you want to do? Here we go. I just licked the mic. 25.

26. 26. 26. You want to start? Yeah, I'll start. You start. Hey, we're here Tuesdays with stories, everybody. I'm Mark Normand.

That's my good old buddy. Joe List. Yes. Oh boy. So much to talk about. No guest. We got too much to get to. I guess we'll only get in the way.

So boy, I don't even know where to begin. We have a list on the wall of just stories to get to. Man, you guys... First, I got to say this up top. Good to see you, Joe. You were out of town. Good to have you back. Nice to.

And boy, thank you so much. You guys are listening. We got some numbers cooking. Holy moly. No one saw it coming. We have such low self-esteem. This is a huge shock. We have numbers that I'm almost confident they're lying.

They have to be lying. I'm getting high fives on the street. People are giving me gifts. The number they gave us, 8.4 million listeners. Crazy. 8.5 million. Every single person in New York City listened last week. I got an email from Joe Biden.

He sent me an email. He loves it. All right. All right. We're doing okay. I put Stephen Hawking among these last week. He's loving it. Oh, no.

But we do have... People are listening, evidently. I don't know. These guys might be lying to us and we look like assholes because we're high fiving with our shirts off and just bumping. But it's working and my confidence is up. I feel great. Is that Becky in there?

Get out of here. Are you one of the 8.4 million? Oh, thank you. We have one female listener. Oh, boy. We've gotten rid of all the homosexuals and African-Americans are out. That's a done deal. We've fled them right out of the listeners.

Not that we want them out, but they don't want to be in. They hate us. Oh, yeah. No, we want them. We need them. Please. Our newest sponsor, SoulGlo. All right.

Oh, boy. Well, it's great to see you, pal. This is one of those good ones, but we haven't seen each other in quite a while. So it's exciting. And, boy, I missed you. I was in Norway. And you get a loan in that hotel room with a little jet lag. I was crying.

Is that right? I was sobbing. Jesus. I don't know if that's normal. Sobbing. It's Norway. Not sobbing, but just glassy-eyed. Oh, I get that.

I haven't sobbed in a long time. When's the last time you sobbed? Oh, I remember. Do you? I remember this. It's a doozy of a story. I got one, too. Oh, boy.

I'm almost embarrassed to tell. But my brother was in the Peace Corps, and I went to go visit him in Africa in Guinea. Not even New Guinea. The old Guinea. The old one. All right. And so me and my parents are out there. We decided if we're going to Africa, we might as well make the most of it and see.

Get AIDS. Well, you know, go to Egypt, go to, you know, every little place. Morocco. Morocco. We went there. Yeah. We went to Morocco. You know, jet lag, 18-mile, 18-year flight.

You know, I'm in the hotel, and I'm sleeping on the floor. My parents are up there, and I had just been dumped by a girl, and I was like, fine with it. I was 18 or whatever. And I remember laying on the floor. My parents were sleeping. My dad is snoring. I'm laying on the floor of a hotel in Morocco sobbing.

Just crying my eyes out. I don't know where I am. No one speaks English. I'm with my parents. Right. Brutal. That was probably the last time. Yeah, traveling and the girl.

It builds up, and you get sad. You get lonely. I remember the story before. Last time I sobbed was in Milwaukee with Sam Merrill. Oh. We had a big poster of him with Sam Merrill. He was in comedy three weeks. Oof.

I was like 11 years in sobbing. Sam Merrill has led to a lot of sobbing. Yeah. Yeah. Mostly from Asian women, who he calls a plethora of slurs. Yeah. But so I was in Norway, but I got emotional because you're in the hotel, your jet lag, and then you have such a...

This happens to me. This happens to me in Montreal, too. You have so much fun sometimes that when the fun stops and it's just you, I get overwhelmed like George Bailey. It's a wonderful life. Right. I have all these friends. I don't know why people love me so much.

We have great fun, and then you're by yourself, and it was a stranger and a strange land was happening. That's... Norway doesn't seem like a smiley place. It's the second highest suicide country, I think mostly because of the weather. But they're very rich. A lot of money, and yeah, it was real fun, but I was so jet lag, I was telling you before, we got there and then went to bed, which you're not supposed to do with jet lag.

You're supposed to just live your day like you are from that country, but we didn't. We slapped two shows. The girls are beautiful, but everyone kept telling me, the girls in Norway, you're going to get laid. They love Americans. Janus, Pompous is our buddy. He's like, you're going to fuck every girl. You can just say hello, and they blow you right there.

They love Americans. Not one girl flirted with me. Nothing. I was like, two days in. I'm like, what's going on here? Why is no one... Maybe that's where the suicide kicks in. That's why I was sad, but I was talking to this one girl.

This woman looked just like Mick Jagger. Exactly like Mick Jagger. It's a good or bad. I can't tell. She walks away, and then this other girl, I was talking to this other girl, I'm like, that woman looks exactly like Mick Jagger, and then this girl's like, well, here in this country, that's not really a compliment. I was like, yeah, I'm not trying to compliment her.

What do you think in America? I'm just like, hey, you look like Mick Jagger. Oh, thank you. Oh, wow. I'm a 31-year-old, elderly, almost dead rock star. Yeah. I'm like, how about Little Richard? How do the girls feel about Little Richard?

Yeah, your name. Can I tell them they look like Little Richard? Right. Yikes. I talked to a couple of dames, and then one girl did, you know, the credit card swipe that you guys do? Yes, I love that. Yeah, you do it a lot.

This girl did it. She called it the butt plug, and jammed her thumb in my ass. Wow. So that girl, in like stiletto heels, we could barely speak English. Good-looking? No, she looked like Snooki, but if Snooki was like 6'4", they're all very tall over there. Okay.

She yells butt plug and like direct hit. Wow. Thumb right in my asshole. Eee. And I lost my shit, no pun intended. Yeah, yeah. I was like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, that's a fucking violation of my privacy.

Imagine if I did that to you. Yeah. Imagine if I just jammed my finger in a girl's stink hole. Oh, that's a salt. It's a salt. It might be battery as well. It might be. It's battery.

It's for sure. It's battery. It's one of them. It's both, I think. Yeah, a salt and battery. Not a bad Halloween costume. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah, you go as a shaker and a duracell.

I like that. Not bad. That's fun. Yeah. Topical. So anyway, she jams my, well, when this comes out, it's going to be December. Yeah, that's true. She jams her finger in my ass, then she's like, let's go to your hotel room.

It's like a group of girls. She's like, we'll drink the booze at your hotel room, and I'm like, well, you're not going to drink my booze. It's expensive here. Yeah. And she tells, just tell them you didn't drink it. That was her big move. We drink all the booze, and then when it comes time to check out, I say, by the way, that

booze that's empty, I didn't drink it. Not me. She's like, it works. And I'm like, it doesn't work. And she's like, it worked. I work at a hotel. I'm like, why stay at a hotel? Yeah.

And I'm like, aside from staying at hotels, you can't just take things and be like, I didn't take it. Right. That doesn't work. Who took it? Oh, that girl who looks like Steven Tyler. Right. Right.

The girl with the stinky thumb. Right. That stinky thumb. Yeah. So the stinky thumbs, of course. Yeah. From England. Good times.

So then we're all at McDonald's. Me, it's like me, and Krista Stefano, and a couple of. You're in Norway. You go to McDonald's? It was the only thing open. It was like three o'clock in the morning. Okay. And so we had to go to McDonald's.

And it's different meat. It's like a different food there. All right. So we're at McDonald's. We come out, and these girls, like, so the girls are like, let's go to your hotel room. We'll drink there. And then one of the girls is like, can I bring these two guys and then like this crowd, like this crowd of people, this part, since like these two dudes just sitting like, aren't like

these like sexy looking viking dudes, and I'm like, you can't bring these people into my hotel room. No. They don't even look like they want to come. So this girl in a three second period, stuck her thumb in my ass, came up with the idea to steal my booze, and then invites vikings into my hotel room. Now why you? Where did this all happen with you?

Well, because it was after the show, and they wanted to hang out with the girl. And I was like, no one's coming back to my hotel room, boo boo boo, I really laid down the law. Right. Right. It's so funny how that, it's all about the show, like, like I've gone to places and hit on girls and just zilch, nada, not even a smirk, a smile, a smooch. And then you do the show, and then, you know, people are like, oh, hey, we should hang out.

Let's do something. Right. And I'm like, same guy. Yeah. I barely get that. Oh, really? But without that, you're dead. Every sex I've ever had outside of high school is from being a comedian.

And essentially in high school, you were a comedian, you know, you're the funniest guy. I'm the saddest guy in the club is I'm going around, going to these girls like, did you see the show? No, I'll see you later. Right, right, right. They're like, yeah, I'm like, hey, I'm the guy. Right, right. Yeah.

That's the only way in. Yeah, you need to see them. I don't know, I have no idea how I would ever get laid without an act. Karaoke, I got laid doing karaoke one time. Oh, wow, that's tough. Yeah, I really brought the heat. Hey, I'm talking too much. Oh, sorry.

Where were you this weekend? For God's sakes. Where were you? What's up here? I'm on nine stories in. We're almost out of time. When I was a kid, I used to pee on my feet in the shower just for fun because I heard that.

So I was like, hey, if I did get stung, this will fix it. Right, right, you're prepared. Yes. I've been peeing in the shower since I was four years old and never looked back. Shower pee, I'm on pro. I don't get why everyone's so mad at it. No. And I'll pee in a pool.

Well, that's, hold on, we're going to cut and we'll re-record, we're going to talk off air for a couple minutes. You don't pee in the pool? What, are you crazy? I wait to get in the pool to pee. Well, they have that purple ink that comes out. That's a myth. I think it's a wives tale.

Yeah. Old wives. Yeah. That's not true at all. I've been waiting for that purple all my life. I'll tell you one thing though, there's a water park in Louisiana called Blue Bayou and the wave pool was one of the funnest parts, but it was bleach yellow. Like you just couldn't even avoid it, like you couldn't even pretend it wasn't just

crazy yellow. And the whole time, if you're in that thing and you get a wave, it is just whiz. That's all it is. Wow. It's insane. Couldn't avoid it. The pool's my whole life because everyone would just say that's where everyone pisses. Oh, yeah.

It's bad news. Yeah. But the rides are fine because it's constantly flowing, you know. But I'm sure there's people urinating all the way down those chutes. Yeah, that's where they probably urinate the most. People get a little nervous, get the nerves out. I'm sure there's been some boom booms happening. Mid-ride too.

Those rides are scary. I pissed on a Ferris wheel one time because I was scared. Ooh, did it drip down? I don't know. I pissed my pants. Like hardcore. My cousin Jamie was really sweet about it. He gave me a sweatshirt to tie around my waist.

I tied it around backwards like an apron, which is in bed. And then there was just a huge piss stain in the Ferris wheel. And it was weird because I was so young, but I didn't remember pissing. I just looked down and it was there. It just happened. I was afraid of heights and I just lost it. I was a big bed wetter, boy, bed wetting shaped who I am, a lot of it, because it's traumatizing as a kid.

Sleepovers. I remember one time, I think I've told you this, but I slept at a friend's house. It was like a big sleeper, like nine of us. And I slept at a friend's house, wet the bed, very common for me. Woke up. All the guys were standing above me, watching me like just looking like an operation. Yes. Exactly.

Junior mints. And so I'm sitting there and my eyes open and I was like, I immediately felt the wet cold. I see all them. And my friend goes, this is harsh. Buckle up, folks. My friend goes, why do you do this? Everybody.

It was fucking traumatizing. You know, I like the attention from trying to cool off. What are you saying? I got a problem. I just woke up. This is the way to wake up. I'm going to cup of coffee. I'm eight.

So that's brutal. Brutal. Brutal. And then the mom comes, she's like, hey, break it up, break it up. She pulls me out of there. She's like, hoses me off like an elephant. She gives me some of the husbands clothes, so I'm wearing like a cardigan and bell bottoms. Brutal.

But yeah, I've had some bad. One time I slept at a friend's house, wet the bed, of course, and just sucked it up. You know, you wake up at like five and we had to go to camp the next day. We had to get a camp for like nine or 10. So I was just up since five, like trying to ring out stuff and standing by the AC. Right, right. And I was just in piss-covered clothes the whole day. I wouldn't let anyone touch me because I was soaking wet all day.

I reeked of urine. Finally, my mom came at five o'clock and picked me up and I was like, thank God you're here. I'm covered in whiz. Oh boy, that's scary. Yeah, wetting the bed. I only do it now when I get hammered, so I've peed on a couple one night stands. Right. Which is brutal because you're really, you're disappointed at night and then you're like,

well, we'll just go to bed and then it's disappointment in the morning. Right, right. Being a kid is brutal. There's nothing you can, I had a weird like skin thing on the back side of my head. I don't even know what it was called, but it would like, it was like dried up, I think if you stuck hair gel on your head and then never took it off, it was like dried up. I think I had that. I could like peel pieces off.

Yeah, it was white. I don't know if it was white, it was like attached to my skull. You could pick it off like booger. It was like a dried up booger. Oh, whoa. I forget what it was called. I have to look it up. And it would get stuck in my hair and I was so nervous about people seeing it that I would

look everyone in the eye like face on. Wow. So like they couldn't see the back of my head because I was so nervous about it. I would sit with my head back there. And then I remember one time my guidance counselor was going to be like, you're a good kid. You look people right in the eye. You're like a stand up guy. But really I was scared to death and I would just be shaking looking at people's eyes because

it's very nerve wracking. Interesting. And it was just so they couldn't see my fucking shitty booger head. That's kind of funny because I have a thing like that where I don't really smile. I don't smile because I had braces for six years and I had like train tracks like the doozy metal mouth. Right. So people are like, why don't you smile?

You're a comedian. You don't even smile. It's because of the braces. Yeah. I had braces and I have shitty teeth now. I failed at wearing braces. Yeah. What happened there?

I don't know. I think my wisdom teeth came in and fucked them all up. So like people are like, do you think about getting braces? Like I had braces. Right. I fucked up. Wow. I'd failed at wearing braces.

I'm the only guy I've ever heard of that happening too. That's interesting. I have to get braces a second time. Yeah. They're the worst. Yeah. I got braces as a Christmas gift. Oh, that's like a short story.

Like a Dickens. Yeah. I got a tetanus shot. Yeah. Holy moly. That's a joke. The line I wrote. I used to do that as a joke about getting braces for Christmas.

And then I was doing some running with my friend, Tom Dustin, and I was like, I got it. Tetanus shot for my birthday. And I was like, we're fucking dying like that's an applause break. We were crying and high-fiving. Yeah. You never got anything. Ah. I'd bring it back.

Maybe I'll try it again. I've had a couple of those. You bring it back and hits. Yeah, true. But I don't even do the bit anymore. It's a few years ago. Where were you at? I was on the road.

You were somewhere. I was on the road. I went to Atlantic City, baby. Woo. The Borgata opened. Two weeks in a row at Bruce Springsteen Songed Cities. Oh, wow. You're right.

It did Youngstown, Ohio. Youngstown and Atlantic City. Yeah. How about that? Pretty good. Boy, I've never been. It's a doozy. It's a real place.

It's got big stuff and lights and all that good stuff. Monopoly. Yeah. Crazy night. We went. We took a stretch, whatever, out there. And it was great. And Schumer bought us all this huge dinner.

It was crazy. Italian place. Drinks. Got the works. Appetizers. You know, it's something's going well when you're getting appetizers and dessert. Oh, yeah. Because we never do that.

It's recourse. Yeah. We go in. We get our food. We get out. But it's like, we're doing this. I would never get rid of those things. No.

Just give me the meal. Dessert's kind of a waste to me. I don't understand dessert. Yeah. It's not good. You eat it later. I just ate a meal. Now I'm going to have chocolate.

Let me have dessert in a couple hours or something. But see, I don't have a sweet tooth. So for me, I'd rather eat the dessert first. And then the meal is the special, the spaghetti or the whatever. Right, right. To me, that's more fun. But what are you going to do? So, yeah, we eat this crazy meal.

Then we go to the show. It's at this place called the Music Box, Great Venue. You know, like a thousand people sold out and we bump into Carmen Lynch. Just bump into her. Wow. Yeah. Just out there. So she comes backstage.

There's beers flowing. Everybody's in a good mood. Yeah. Did a set and then we all went to the club after Schumer got the bottle service. It was crazy. Wow. Yeah, the success, man. It's wild.

I would love to have success. Well, we have success. We have 100,000 listeners. Hey, that's true. But man, yeah, that would be fun. I thought of a funny joke and I missed the thing, but we're such dear friends. I want to tell you the joke. Please.

Yeah, I like to get dessert, but I digest. Hey, I like that. It wasn't bad. That's not bad. Not worthy of bringing it back. We probably should cut that out in post. No, no, no. We're keeping that in.

That's the name of the episode. I digest. Yes. Write it down. Oh, yeah. But here's the thing. Hit me with it. So I've been trying to quit, not quit drinking, but cut back on the booze.

Right. Oh, I got a story about that. I tried to cut back on the booze, so I haven't been drinking a lot. I've been so busy. And so I was like, you know what? I'm in AC. I'm getting hammered tonight. It's all free.

And I just went to town. And yeah, at one point I was kind of going in and out of blacking out. And at one point I look around. It was all of us at the club. I blinked my eyes. It's just me dancing with strangers. I don't know where all the friends went. All the people I knew were all gone.

Everybody met up with somebody. And I was like, gee, so I like try to dance with some people and they all punch me in the face. And I was like, all right, well, I guess I'll just leave, blink my eyes again. I wake up on the hall in the floor on the hallway of my hotel. I don't know where, what room I'm in. So I'm just kind of like, ah, shit, it's dark. I don't know what room I'm in.

I'm just wandering up and down, like looking at doors. Maybe something will stick out. Right. And nothing sticks out. So I have to go downstairs and I'll be like, hey, I lost my key. And then they gave me into the key. And I was in the wrong building. Oh, wow.

So I don't know where I was. So that was, that's the scary part about booze. Yeah, yeah. That sounds like a behind the music story. Right. I woke up and all my friends were gone. It was like, it sounds like the beginning of a Springsteen song. It's like a metaphor, yeah.

And then he goes into Atlantic City and. Yeah. So here, here's a, here's a fun little nugget. I love nuggets. So I've been trying. I said, all right, well, I'm cutting down on the booze. Maybe I'll try this weed thing out a little bit. I'm not, I mean, I've smoked weed before obviously a million times,

but I've never really bought it and had my own. Yeah, yeah. I can be either. It's very rare. It's very rare for me. So, you know, nothing against weed. But I was like, I'm going to try it. I got to take some edger off and I'm not going to booze.

So I talked to a couple of guys at the comedy cellar and they're like, oh yeah, go to the village. Why? Joe Schmo, whatever. He sells weed every, every night. So I go up to Joe Schmo. I'm like, hey, can I buy some weed? You know, I'm very nervous.

I got my collar up sunglasses on, you know, it's two in the morning. And he's like, yeah, yeah, what do you want? I was like, yeah, just, you know, the smallest amount. He's like, well, I got two for 30. And I was like, sounds too much. Sounds great. Yeah. Two weeds.

I don't know. Yeah. I thought he was going to hand me two potted plants. So I was like, yeah, sounds good. So I hand him 30 bucks and he hands me like a pouch of something in plastic. And I was like, all right, great. And I walked, he turns around and I walk away because I figured, hey, we're doing drug deal here.

I got to get out of here. Right. So then I get home and I get a call later from Justin Silver. He's like, where the hell did you go? And I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, the guy has your other weed thing. You only took one. And I was like, oh, it was two for 30.

Right. So I was like, well, you just get it from him and I'll pick it up from you later. He's like, all right, whatever. So the next night he's like, hey, I'm at Eastfield Comedy Club. But this time come meet me. And I was like, all right, I had six spots. So I do all my spots. I finally meet him at Eastfield Comedy Club.

I get the weed. I put it in my front pocket. I run out to do another spot. Take a cab. Get to the spot. Goes well. Go home. I'm excited about my new weed.

Left at the cab. Oh, jeez. All that for nothing. That's worse than leaving a phone in the cab. Well, the weed doesn't have the baby pictures. Right. I don't even have a baby. Got to have those baby pictures.

Yeah. Well, here's what you got to look on the bright side. Here's my Buddhism. How about the person that got in that cab? Probably drunk, long night, late night. They sit in there. Boom, bag of weed. See, that's the problem with Buddhism.

I hate that guy. He's got my weed. No, he's a great guy. Good guy's happy. You made that guy happy. I guess I made him happy. But I had to be sad for him to be happy. That's the Yi Qing.

Yi Qing? I don't know if Yi Qing is a thing. Is that a street fighter character? I'm not sure, but that suffering that can only be happiness is suffering. I know, but shouldn't I suffer and then be happy? How come I can't have both? One day you'll get in a cab and there will be a big old bag of weed in there. So this is one of those they're all connected things.

Yeah, interbeing. Interbeing. Yi Qing, folks. Yeah. You heard it here first. Yi mail us at Tuesdays with stories at Gmail and say something nice if you would. Yi Qing. All right.

Get that in the post. We were talking about the food, the dessert and the thing. I had quite a meal two nights ago. Norway? Can I tell you about it? Norway. Please. We're back in Norway.

So we're there and we're in a very fancy hotel room. They put us up and everything. It's nice. That's like one of the richest countries or maybe the richest country. Everything there is twice as expensive as here. So you go to McDonald's, it's 20 bucks. Wow, weird. And then their money system, they have the Kroner and it's like six to one.

So like if you buy like a coffee, that's like it's fucking 30 Kroners, whatever. Then their shit's twice as expensive. So like you go and I'm like, I'll have a Big Mac and like it's fucking 350 Kroners. And you're like, oh Jesus Christ, whatever it is. Anyways, it's a real fancy restaurant. They give us a gift card to the hotel restaurant, which is like a four star restaurant. For 400 Kroners, which is like, you know, 60 bucks, 70 bucks or whatever. They give each of us once, me and Krista Stefano and Phil Hanley.

Does Stefano is only there for a day? So he gives me his car. Oh, you gotta love that. Beautiful. It turns out it's closed on Sunday. We're there Saturday, Sunday, Sunday, Monday. Yeah. It's closed on Sunday.

So Monday is my big night. It's my only night I have to eat at this fucking place or whatever. So I go down there. I walk in and I got $100 free food or whatever. It's real fancy. And I'm like, what's the specials? It's some cod thing and reindeer. Whoa.

So I'm like, I'm in Norway. I got to do, I'm a very picky eater, you know me, but I'm like, I'm going to eat reindeer. I got to do it. I got free money. I was like, and I did like the triple check. I'm like, these are going to work, right? Yeah. They gave me these because if I don't, I'm fucked.

I don't have 100 Kroners. Good thinking. I would have not have done that. So the guy's like, yeah, you're good. You're good to go. I'm like, give me the reindeer. I was like, I've never had it. I'm ready to have it.

I'm excited. And the guy's like, well, he was really good. He's like, you're American. He's like, you've never had it. He's like, you might want to try it. Why don't I bring out a sample for you to try it? Ooh, I like that. Which was good because I'm nervous.

I get nervous with foods. I'm like, what if I hate this? I just have this $100 meal and I don't need any of it. So he brings out a sample, three big slices, like bread slices of fucking reindeer. That's a sample. Big. It's like a fucking dish. Huh.

And it's bright red. If you've ever had a reindeer, the phones are lighting up. Bright red. It's like a thick red. He's like, it's going to look like it's raw, but it's not. Maybe you got Rudolph. Yeah. I just ordered the nose.

There it is. The hoof. Oop, the phone stopped lighting. By the way, I just ripped off my buddy Tom Dustin's joke. So if you didn't like it, email him. If I got a laugh, I totally would have kept it as my own. Anyways, the hoof was mine though. All right.

Anyways, that's a good fella. So they give me these pieces of meat. So I eat it, enjoy it. It's very tender. It's delicious. Bright red. I'm like, this is crazy. I'm eating reindeer.

He comes back over. He's like, what'd you think? And I'm like, well, I loved it, but I ate so much. All I wanted to do was say I ate reindeer. So now that I've had the sample, I'm like, give me the steak. Right. I love the steak. So he's like, all right.

So now I have my reindeer. Are you excited? I know what's going to happen. I'm getting nervous already. Oh, what do you mean? I think I figured it out, but keep going. No, nothing crazy. Oh.

What am I listening for? He's got, now there's three big pieces of steak. And then there's a thing called beef cheek. You ever have beef cheek? I've heard of beef cheek. I never thought to get it. It's the cheek of the beef, of the cow, but he chews so much. That's like the toughest meat.

Big old chunk of his cheek. And not the butt cheek. So I have, I have the beef cheek. There's mushrooms. And you know me, I never eat anything. I just ate it all. I'm like, fucking, I'm here. I'm eating it.

Eat the steak. It's fucking delicious. Great meal. So now we've had the steak, the reindeer. And he comes over and I'm like, tell him the story. I'm like, I'm crying. I'm like, this is like amazing. I've never eaten anything.

It's like a big moment in my life. He's like, well, if you're feeling really open minded, why don't you have the whale? Whoa. And I was like, well, I can't have any way. I was like, I can't afford it. I don't know. I've already eaten. I don't want to order more.

Probably full too. Yeah, I'm full. Yeah. I just had a bunch of beef cheek. I had potato. They had apple sauce in there. And there's a potato and steak and fucking reindeer. So he comes over with the way.

It goes compliment to the house. Just gives me whale. Get out of here. Gives me reindeer. Gives me whale. I was talking to this one guy. I told this story the other day and this guy was like, you had a whale? I'm like, why didn't you eat a whale?

Right. I had a piece of whale. But you've had two animals. You've eaten two animals that I've never seen in real life. Never seen a whale. I've never seen a whale. Wow. I've never seen a reindeer.

But I've seen a whale. I've never seen a sea world or anything. Next time we're up in Boston, we'll go for a whale watch. Is that right? Yeah, it's fun. Get out of here. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Well, have a good time. Whale watches are fun too. Is it? I think so. You see the fin? It's a nice boat ride. You go down.

Oh, it's a boat ride. Okay. What did you think it was? I thought it was a balcony. Where do you think they live in the pond? I don't know. That's why I was so impressed. What?

I thought it was a hell of a balcony. A balcony. Yeah, they're at the fucking Orthium Theater. They're judging the show. We could sit in the mezzanine if we want. Oh, we got to sit in the box seats. The whales took the balcony. We got to change seats.

Oh, hilarious. Now it's a boat. You get on a boat, they take out. Oh, one time, I got a great whale watch story. I'm digressing. I'm digesting, if you will. Digesting. Who remembers?

Woo. If we ranked the 900,000 people listening to this, who's having the most fun? I got to be in the top 300, I think. Possibly. All right. I'm in the lower back half. You're in the back of the balcony. Damn whales.

One time I was on a whale watch and this old lady pissed her pants. It all comes back. Hey. And we sat behind her. I couldn't stop laughing. I was like 15. They had to take me off out of there. Yeah.

I was crying, laughing. This old lady, it was just dripping out of the bottom of her seat. Oh, boy. And like, I wasn't at the age where you feel bad for old ladies pissing themselves. Right, right. I was at the age where you almost pissed yourself from laughing at the old lady pissing herself. How great would it have been if she was like, I'm married. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. We are having fun. We hope you are. We're having that middle meaty area of who's having fun now. All right. We're back. I'm working my way up. So anyways, whale watch.

Old lady pisses. We missed all the whales. We were just watching this old lady piss her pants. So wait, where are we? Oh, they've been in the whale. Oh, they've been in the whale. Oh, they've been in the whale. I ate whale.

I ate whale. Yeah. And then it's like black. It's like a really dark black. It's like eating a fucking baseball glove. Wow. But it tastes like meat. It's like a tenderish meat.

It was delicious. So I'm enjoying this. I'm having this moment where I'm like, this is real life. It was my 10 month anniversary of sobriety. I'm 10 months sober. I'm getting a free meal. I'm eating reindeer, steak, whale. And then it hits me.

I'm like, what if I get violently ill? Just throwing all these meats and sausages. That's possible. So then I'm like, I'm going to get sick and I start. Now I'm worried about that. I'm drinking Pepsi out of a wine glass, which is fun. That is good. The guy comes back and he's like, how is it?

I'm like, it's all good. It's all great. Boo boo boo. And so then I'm like, what if I get, I'm scared I'm getting sick. And he's like, meet his meat, my friend. And I was like, all right. Yeah. Why not meet his meat?

I guess. Very profound. So then my check comes. It's 360 cronies or Croners or whatever kilobits. Yeah. I got $800 of the gift cards. So I'm like, I'm leaving the next day. I'm like, can you just make this as a tip?

Wow. They don't even tip there. What? So the guy's like, what? What do you say? He's like, get more drinks. Get dessert. And I'm like, why don't drink?

And I'm full. I already had a thing. Yeah. And I was like, can you convert it to cash? And he's like, let me see. He leaves for like a half an hour. Wow. Comes back.

And I'm like, there's a chance he's going to come back with 300 cronies. I'll just be, have money. Yeah. I'll get paid to eat these things. He's like, I can't do it. He's like, but I leave it at tip. It'll disperse across the restaurant. I was like, yeah, let's do that.

Do that. Waitresses start coming over. These hot waitresses. They're like, thank you. They're bowing at me like a mother Teresa. Wow. So I ate my whale. I ate my reindeer.

I ate my steak. Yeah. Exactly. We look like good Americans. I go upstairs. Five minutes later, my asshole turns into a blowhole of its own. Man. Complete reverse of Pinocchio, the whale wanted out of me.

Oh. And I am shitting. It's spraying exactly a blow. I even jumped out of the water and sprayed it. I look over a bunch of Asian people with cameras in the balcony taking pictures. They're whale watching. Whale watching. Literally.

It wasn't bad. Whale shitting. Holy moly. That's brutal. Wild one. Crazy. But then I was scared. I'm like, what if I'm going to die here?

I'm going to have the worst diarrhea. There's just one shit. One time only. Oh, that's not bad. O-T-O-T-O. One time, one time only. There it is. Wow.

And that's when I was texting you. We had a heartfelt text back and forth. Yeah. Yeah. How's that money wise? Are we all right on text prices? Well, because I was there. I had Wi-Fi.

Oh. And the iPhone to iPhone, it just becomes an eye touch. Right. It's pretty good. Yeah. I did a show at the Poconos and Schumer didn't want to eat the food at the restaurants there because that's what it's come to. She's like, I got all these food vouchers.

Here, here, here. So she gave me like 300 bucks in food vouchers. So I was like, all right. So the only thing that was open was the shitty American restaurant, you know, like it's like a diner theme. Right, right. Almost like an Applebee's. Where was this again?

Poconos. Poconos, yeah. I go in there and I'm stuffing my face. I get like the milkshake. I get a beer. I get a Coke. You know, try to spend as much on drinks. Then I get the soup, the salad, you know, a quesadilla, meatloaf, piece of cake.

You know, I'm trying to get everything and I'm just feeling like ass. And I've only spent like 80 bucks. I've got 300 dollars. So I look around. It's just a sea of blue-haired old ladies. Oh, wow. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to make it rain vouchers on these geezers.

So I just go up to old ladies. I just start handing out vouchers and they're like, I'm like, Wayne Newton. They're fainting. Oh my God. Oh man. I love you. Like touching me, holding my hand, you know, praying, doing the sign of the cross. You look a little bit like Wayne Newton.

Oh boy. I don't know how to take that. Take it well. Duncan Shane, darling. Duncan Shane. Yeah. So, uh, yeah. Passing those vouchers.

You feel like a king. It's a good feeling. Yeah. The best. Oh, I was hoping this was going to be it. None of them worked and they all, you know. Then I went upstairs and one of them peed on me. I don't know.

But they were old. That's for damn sure. Oh boy. All right. There's been like three themes running through all of this. Yeah. Yeah. Peeing and, uh, sorry.

I'm checking my notes because all these things happened. I got, I got solicited sex by a large black prostitute in Norway. Do tell. Only black. Oh boy. I mean, you just got back from a foreign land. You got to, I'm sure you got a lot of good stuff. Let's hear it.

All right. I'm trying to throw them out there and who you're making me chuckle the whole thing. I got an erection here and, uh, I'm on hour number three. So get the phone ready. Uh, I don't know what. All right. Um, oh, so I, I go to this jazz show. I went to, I decided to go out.

Uh, our friend Phil was there. He, he's with his girlfriend. They go off and do their thing. And I Google some things to do and, uh, I'm a, I'm a jazz fan. So I was like, I'll go see some local music. I go to this jazz theater, beautiful theater, great, perfect comedy theater. And, uh, they come out, Kevin Eubanks is in the band. Get the hell out of here.

Kevin Eubanks, uh, tonight show band leader. Yeah. I didn't realize this though. I guess it's dumb of me. I just know him as from like the Jay Leno sidekick dumb. Me too. Unbelievable. Like a dynamo guitar player.

He's one of the best guitar players in the world. Oh, I didn't know that. Unbelievable. This jazz band, Dave Holland prison, prism. And this guy Dave Holland is one of the great jazz bass players. He played with Miles Davis. This band is unbelievable. Stunning.

I took some video of it. Best live act I've ever seen in my life. It was crazy. It's just me and, uh, these Norwegian audiences. No one's textings. No one's videoing. Everyone's just there, polite, listening. I'm like rock.

I'm looking around. I'm like, this is this amazing thing. I had this weird moment, a spiritual moment. I was by myself and it was my sobriety and the thing. And I'm watching the show and the band is so good. And I was thinking we're all going to die and have our own funerals and have these. But we're all here in this moment together. This artist is giving to us.

It was like this beautiful thing. I cried a little bit. Wow. A lot of crying. A lot of crying. E-ching. Yeah. A lot of E-ching.

Great band. And Kevin Eubanks. I leave the show. The show's great. I walk into this bar next door. It's called the Learies. And it's like a Red Sox sticker. So I was like, what is this place all about?

I get close to look. It's a Boston themed bar. I'm perfect. It's the best Boston bar I've ever been to. And I grew up in Boston. Wow. Weird. Three floors.

Wall to wall. Fuck. Memorabilia. Autographs. The games. Everything. Wow. And I'm talking to all these Norwegian people.

They just think of Boston is just America. This is an American themed restaurant to them. So I'm like, I'm from Boston. Yeah. And they're like, what? Do we go to the seat? I don't. Right.

Because if you think about it, if you went to like a Norwegian bar, it might be a Lilyhammer themed bar. But you would just look at it as Norway. Right. Oh, this is Norwegian. Oh, I see. They don't know what the fuck Boston is. So you're just a guy walking in going, up from Boston.

Yeah. And they're like, and I'm like, is the owner here? Is someone here to like owner? No? What? You want to say, and everyone there is Norwegian. They have no idea that they're even in a Boston themed bar. They're just at a bar.

It'd be like if you were Chilean and you walked in with chilies. Hey, I'm here, baby. I'm at chilies. I don't know if that works completely, but it's funny. It's a different spelling. Ah, damn it. But maybe Chipotle, Mexico? Maybe.

There you go. Or Aztec. That's like an Aztec. There's an Aztec. Cudoba? Yeah, Cudoba maybe. I think that's something. No.

But Chipotle, they have little Aztec guys. Oh, that's true. Yeah. That's weird, right? But the Aztecs are done, though. They're wiped out. Oh, they've been gone for a year. But they had a calendar.

Were they the calendar? Might have been the Incas. The Incas, the Aztecs. Who knows what's what? Who are the douches with the calendar? Mayans. Mayans. Yes, the Mayans.

Incas. That's something about pens, I think. Oh, it's like the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria over here. Oh, right. You know, Columbus was a bit of a rapist, I read. That's the rumor. Yeah. I read a blog about it.

Bad guy. Yeah, I think a rapist and a racist. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Well, I don't think you can call them racist then. Back then, they thought they were, they saw it like, you know, it was a problem. Is that annoying when people try to drum that up? Hey, he was a real racist. Well, he was 30,000 years ago, all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyways, where was I? Boston Bar, that was exciting. Oh, then I left there and I was solicited some sex by an African, well, she wasn't African-American. She was African-Norwegian. Yeah, right. And she was like, me follow you home for a good time? I don't know why I made her Asian.

She was Asian, yeah. She was Asian, black, Norwegian-American. How big are we talking? She was big. She looked like she was muscular. She looked like an inside linebacker. Like refrigerator parry. Yeah, it looked like her lips had muscles.

She was like big. Well, they probably do, but all that's sucking. She was a strong gal. Yeah. And I was like, no, no, thanks. And then, then I paused to like take in the moment. Like I was like, this is crazy. It was like the King's Castle was right there and the Boston Bar and the Jazz and I was crying again.

And she walked over, she's like, you change your mind? And I was like, oh no, I'm just taking it in. She's like, you want to take me in? Or they kept being like one of those. Right. I don't want, get out of here. It's like a bad sitcom. Yeah.

I was like, I don't have the cronies. Get out of here. All right. You don't have Cajonies? Cronies. Yeah, yeah. And then you do that thing. You want to deal with my cronies?

And then four guys came out with muscles. Right. There you go. Yeah. I want to do which thing now? It's like that thing on the sitcom where they're like the guys handing the woman money to make change. And they're like, you're going to jail, buddy, because that's a process.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I was worried about. And I'm already crying. You're going to be crying big time when you get to Norwegian jail where we cane you. Right, right. Yeah. And you're like, read my lips. And she's like, you want my lips?

Hey, we can do this all night. Well, we're running out of time. I got to get this AOL story out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Please. Jesus Christ. You got more? No, no, I'm out.

Come on. But this was when I was on the tour. I was telling you about the meal and the whale and all the stuff. And then you've laid this one on me, but I didn't get to hear the story yet. Oh, boy. Buckle up again. Yeah, I'm buckled. All right.

It's a little bit of setup, but I'll blow through this. No, take your time. A blowhole right through this butthole. Yeah. All right. So I got hired to be the host of AOL Live. I auditioned. I killed the audition.

It went well. I got hired. Crazy money. This is like a real job. It was like a big break. My manager was super excited. Agents like, oh my God, we're doing it. You're becoming a thing.

So it's a two week gig. I have to go in and do all this prep work, like do some man on the street, get some stuff on video. I help write sketch. I'm writing jokes. I'm punching up. I'm meeting the staff. I'm in an office nine to five every day.

I haven't done that in years. So it was, you know, good employees. Everybody's a lot of fun. It's a good atmosphere. And then next week starting Monday was AOL Live from 12 to 1. I was going to be on live hosting in a suit with a studio audience, a band, and like You're kidding. Costume content.

This is the tons of money thrown at this. They're trying to become like a thing. What is it? Is it the website? It's not a TV channel. No, it's a website. But they're trying to, they're trying to become like a Hulu. Wow.

Okay. Like it'd be a real network. Right. Right. So this is like their launching pad. Like, look how, look what we can do. Oh, I didn't realize how big a deal the gig was. Big, big gig.

Oh, when you said it, I thought it was like a blurb, like AOL.com. And that's you for 20 seconds. I didn't know it was a show. No, it was an hour long show every day. Oh, I would have been way happier for you. No, I mean, it was still, it was work. Not fun. A lot of times.

I feel like I was a dismissive friend. I was like, oh, good for you. I'm used to it. I thought it was, hey, that hurts my feelings. I was joking. I thought it was like a thing. Oh, no. I thought it was like a little 30 second spot.

I was like, hey, good to you. Oh, no, no. This was like a real job. All right. So get back to it. But it was ruining my life. I had no sleep. I would do shows at night.

You get home at 2 a.m. Then you got to wake up at 7. It was brutal. Right, right. Okay. Hit me with it. So, yeah. So Monday rolls around.

We got segments. We got plugs. We got things to throw to. Packages. Whatever. So I'm hosting this show. We got a drag queen. It's my sidekick.

She's great. She's funny. We got a studio audience. We do a costume contest. We have judges. It's like American Idol. And I was killing. I'm just like, every costume you get to riff on.

And you can be as mean as you want. And they're like, be edgy. Be edgy. They kept telling me be edgy. We want to start some rumors here. They think they want edgy. They do. So I'm making fun of the judges.

Everybody's having a good time. Da-dee-dee-dee-dee. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Eventually, 45 minutes in. Everything's going great. A lot of horrible jokes. I made some Jew jokes. Some gay jokes.

I said jizz. And that was the only time they were like, dial it back a bit. Right. And I was like, all right. All right. Sorry. People are off put by jizz. They don't like jizz.

It's a funny word. I love it. Yeah. So. I like the word. Yeah. You're not drinking it. I hate jizz.

Yeah. I gotta tell you, a booger is way up there. All right. I can see it. But I've been hit with a booger. I've never been hit with jizz. Well, that's good. You're living life properly, my friend.

Yeah, I guess so. You get hit with jizz. You're, you know. Yeah. You're in a bad way. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

So everything's going great. I'm hosting my brains out here. And by the way, the jizzy line was a girl was dressed up as Snow White. And I said, yowza, smoking hot. And I said, yowza, I'm the eighth dwarf jizzy. And that was my joke. I loved it. Thank you.

I was very proud of it. Yeah. But that was the one where he was like, ugh. You know, it's terrifying because like, it's my first time and it's live. First time hosting a show and it's live to the whole world. I mean, no one's watching, but it's live. And it's just cameraman, guys in headsets, guys with, you know, big whiteboards going like, do this now.

Do this. This guy didn't show up. So go to that. So I'm constantly trying to act cool. Like, yeah, all right. Here we're going to go to this now. All right. You're like Billy Crystal.

Yeah, exactly. And this guy's just behind the camera like, ah, making noises at me. Like hand movements. I'm just like, yeah. All right. So, you know, and so I'm trying to keep it together, trying to be funny at the same time. I'm sweating.

It's brutal. I'm wearing a suit, a tuxedo. So this, this one girl. And a tuxedo. Yeah. I was very hot. So this one girl comes up. She was an African princess.

Super hot, black chick, gorgeous, like the whole thing, headdress, everything. And I was like, wow, you look amazing. Joke here. Joke there. And then she goes off and walking on as catwoman, like a sexy catwoman with a whip. And I go, hey, watch that whip around the African. Because she like cracked the whip. Yeah.

And that was it. That was the line. And it killed. The audience loved it. It was, you know, all in good taste. And yeah. So then we wrapped up the costume, the costume contest. They're like, all right, go, go back to makeup, put the drag queen thing on.

I had to go and drag and do a joke and drag. And so I'm like getting the makeup on, they're filming me get the makeup on. They're making jokes about that. Huge eyelashes, like silly makeup, like big black eyeliner all the way around my face. Wig, dress, high heels, red ruby lipstick, mascara, the cheeks. And this guy comes in, he goes, can you guys give me a moment? I got to talk to Mark for a second. So I do a turn, you know, pucker lips, eyelashes batting.

And I was like, hey, what's going on? Where's everybody going? I watch everyone leave the room. I'm like, what am I in trouble? And the guy goes, yeah, I hate to do this. I was like, what? What? I got to be on in four minutes.

Let's get to it. And he's like, yeah, we got to let you go. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? What's going on? Sitting in a director's chair, I got the makeup mirror with all the light bulbs in front of me wearing a full drag outfit. And I'm like, yeah, really? And he's like, yeah, we're going to have to let you go.

And I'm like, you realize how crazy this is, right? And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm like, you're firing me. This is the most humiliating moment of my life. I'm in a dress, full makeup. So he's like, yeah, sorry, the line was too much. I almost got fired. So it was either me or you.

I had to let you go. And I was like, all right, well, I understand. And he's like, yeah, so just collect your stuff. And I guess if you want to get out of here. And I was like, all right. So I took the dress off, put my jeans back on. I washed my face a little. It didn't come off all the way.

Jesus. Yeah. Went home with the makeup on. Wow. That was it. That's crazy. But you must have got a big chunk of money. You got the story at least.

Got the story. Got the money. Yeah. They paid me for the full week. So I'm getting paid right now. Oh, that's great. Yeah. But this is what I said to you over the phone.

It's better for you. You don't want to be working for some corporation, some corporate schlub, pitching some bullshit. That's true. And I watched the show today with the new host. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is what I was on? Yeah, yeah.

Cheesy. And let me just say this. Like the whole show, it was a sexy costume. They're making girls do jumping jacks, turn around, they're in bikinis and stuff. It's like, that is so much more degrading than the joke I said. Exactly. You're degrading women and like making them dance.

Oh, you guys are both equally as hot. You got to do a dance off. They're like twerking and stuff. And the judge is like, I don't know. You got big thighs. And then it's like, that's OK. Yeah. But the racial joke, you know.

They're animals. And they're dumbing down the fucking country. Right. And they're fucking taking women down a peg. And they're going to take an innocuous joke to a real thing that happened that we're going to laugh about these things. Yeah, I know. No one's offended.

It's a thing that ended years ago that I had nothing to do with, that I'm not promoting it. Right, right. I wasn't like, woo, slavery. We got to bring that back. Yeah, yeah. And I was saying, hey, these two things go together. African whip.

Yeah. By the way, how about go put on an FM radio right now for the 44th year in a row. You can hear brown sugar. Fucking, how come you taste so good? Good, yeah. Hear him whip the women just around midnight. It's about fucking slaves.

Wow. Is that right? Yeah. I never knew that. Brown sugar, how come you taste so good? Brown sugar, just like a black girl should. Wow. There you go.

Hear him whip the women is the chorus. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I had a nice shining moment. I know we got to get out of here, but my manager called me because he got the news and he's chewing me out on the phone. And I felt like a real showbiz guy because it felt very classic, vaudeville, like, what the hell are you doing, Johnny?

They shit like that on national television? And I just snapped back. I was like, I'm a fucking comic. They told me to be edgy. I went edgy. What do you want from me? Get the hell off my head and I hung up. Yeah, it's a joke.

And that's what happens when you get, this has been happening since the existence of comedy. You get a comedian on live, stuff like that's going to happen. That's what it is. Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, Dave Chappelle. Yeah. It happens. Martin Lawrence, of course, the famous one.

Like, if you give comics a live fucking thing, someone's going to get a fed. That's why stand-up comedy is so great. That's where we can do it. Yes, it's the only place. And that's why you try to put them in other places and have it gill with Godfrey with the Aflac horseshit. Right.

You know, you got to be in a club. You got to do it. That's the only place, I guess. Yeah. So fuck them. I'm proud of you. Oh, I'm proud. That means a lot to me.

That's great. To me, that means getting fired for that gig is more exciting and better and cooler than having the gig. Well, you know, that means a lot. I mean, it sucks getting fired no matter what it is. Right. I'm sure even like if a Nazi got fired, he'd be like, ah, this is a little rough.

Right, right. So like, it sucks getting fired, but you know, it shakes you up a little bit. If you got fired for not being funny, you have a problem. Yes. You got fired for being too funny. Hey, boy.

You know? You heard it here first, folks. You don't know what that means to me. That's very nice. Yeah, that's good. I'm proud of you. Well, I probably get sued by them after this podcast, so we'll see what happens.

No, fuck them. We have good lawyers here at the podcast. That's true. We got 300 million listeners here, so. There you go. Every single person in the country is listening to this podcast. Yes. Call in and tell us what you think.

Boy, well, that's a hell of a tale. We had Norway. We got fired. It was a big week for us. Big week, yeah. And well, once again, thanks for listening. And please keep listening. And if you're listening and enjoying the show,

tell some friends about it because we wouldn't like this to be like a grassroots sort of movement here. Yes. Yes, definitely. And tweet in. We got to give a shout out to Stand Up New York, one of the best clubs in New York and in the country, probably. Yeah, you can see us both here pretty regularly.

Yeah. Several times a month. And I think that I might try to record my CD here. I love this room. There's a new space upstairs here that we're recording the podcast in. And they're doing amazing things here at Stand Up New York, Stand Up Labs. Yes.

Listen to the other shows on the network. Yes, follow on Twitter. And there are a bunch of great young Jewish chaps over here, and they're just wonderful people. But yeah, I mean. There's a piano in here. They're painting it. There's a great movement happening up here on the Upper West Side.

Yes. It feels like a movement. And we're proud to be on the cutting edge. Yeah. The inner circle. It's probably a part of it. Whatever the fuck it is. On the team.

Yeah, the team. Team is the word I was looking for. Glad to be here. Yeah. And if you're visiting New York or if you live in New York, come to this club. They handpicked. They know what they're doing here.

Great show. Always a hot show. Thanks for listening. Yeah, tweet at us at Tuesday Stories on Twitter. And then Tuesdays with Stories at Gmail. There it is. And then yeah, if you have something negative, just keep that to yourself if you don't mind.

Please. We're very sensitive. I cry a lot in Norway. We know that. Yeah. Anyways, we love you. And thanks for listening at Mark Norm, at Joe List Comedy, at Tuesday Stories.

And please tell a friend or two. And thank you for listening. We love you. Love you, bye. Bye. Thank you. Bye. Bye.