Tuesdays with Stories! - Tuesdays with Stories #546 - Live at the Gramercy Theatre w Bobby Kelly, Andrew Youngblood + Jim Norton

Episode Date: March 19, 2024

*Sign up for the Tuesdays with Stories Patreon to get the extended cut of this pod, with an additional 50 minutes of the live show RIGHT NOW!* Tuesdays with Stories returns for another LIVE show at the Gramercy show in NYC! Mark Normand + Joe List are joined by Bobby Kelly, Andrew Youngblood, and Jim Norton to kick it back and forth onstage about getting taken advantage of, gloryholes, and milking tables! Directed by Chuck Staton Our Stuff: - patreon.com/tuesdays - youtube.com/tuesdayswithstories - Check out Joe List on Punch Up Live for tour dates, videos, buying tickets and more! https://punchup.live/joe-list - Check out Andrew Youngblood's new special FREE on Mark's Youtube channel, out Thurs, March 28th! - Support the show and try Blue Chew for free when you use the promo code TUESDAYS at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. - Support the show and get 10% off your 1 st month of therapy. Head to https://www.betterhelp.com/TUESDAYS #marknormand #joelist #jimnorton #bobbykelly #robertkelly #andrewyoungblood

Hey Mark, fake banter for the intro. That's all I know how to do. Great. Good to be here. Welcome to Tuesdays with... Stories! Hit her in the face with a surfboard. And then the duck fell out of his bag! Ha ha ha!

Surf's up! And she didn't even flush. Knock knock. Who's there? Mark Norman and Joe List! Yeah! This is Tuesdays with Stories everybody! No, that's terrible.

This is supposed to be cheesy. My radio is spitting at me And I can't choose what I'm watching Thank you. Hey, hey. Comedy, huh? All right. We're really doing it. Okay. They kept saying it wasn't that full, but this is pretty good. No, everyone said, everyone encouraged us to kill ourselves, but there's people here. We'll still do that, but yeah, look at that. I don't even see an empty seat.

I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat.

I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. I don't even see a seat. This is pretty good. No, everyone said, everyone encouraged us to kill ourselves, but there's people here. We'll still do that, but yeah, look at that.

I don't even see an empty seat in the house. Don't look in the back, they're over there. Well, it's dark. I see them. Dark up there. But we're not going to focus on the people who didn't show. What about these queefs who are out here? Thanks for coming.

Thanks for coming. And these people didn't come. There's an empty seat. How about my... here, huh? Thanks for doing it. Thanks for coming. And these people didn't come. There's an empty seat. How about my guidance counselor here, huh? Jesus Christ. I did the Tonight Show last night. I haven't been home yet. I've been out on a bender. Yeah, he relapsed. Oh, there's the gay wrestler guys. Oh, yeah. The brothers. The Bushwhackers. Yes, yes. Good to see you guys. We're at a The brothers. The Bushwhackers. Yes, yes.

Good to see you guys. We're at a point where I walked in and I was like, hey, Steph, I know all the fans by name. Yeah. It's a sad point in your career where you're like, Big Steve. Yeah. Philip.

Well, you could probably just get, hey, Kyle. Rittenhouse? Oh. I wish, He kills. That guy was first class, if you ask me. Well, you know, if you take the kids out of school, they're gonna shoot somewhere else. Could be something.

Well, people, every time we do a live pod, everyone shits and says it's so different than the other pod, so I brought stories. Yes! I'm bringing the heat. That's the name of the show! Yeah. I'm not gonna tell them. I'm gonna look at some shit up here.

There you go. Do you want to know about the suit? Oh, please. I got a whole tale about the suit. I believe that's, like, a dark purple. Yes. That's an odd choice. Odd? What are you kidding? I'm like I'm black. I'm like a black comic.

I wanted to bring a towel out and say the N-word but they said no no you can't. Now that would have gone viral. No I think purple's purple's not it pops they said color pops and then everyone wears a blue suit a gray black suit. I went purple, and Ian Lara was my inspiration. Well, he's black. Yeah. Yeah. They're cool. He okayed it. I just didn't peg you as a purple. I pegged you yesterday.

Oh. I love to be pegged. Um... He does. I've never been pegged, but don't you feel like... I do this bit on stage, I mean I'm on stage right now. That's true.

At the beginning of a relationship, you're like talking to your wife, girlfriend, and you're like, who's that guy? Why are you talking to that guy? What, do you like that guy? You think he's cute? What's your deal? Yeah. Now, we've been married 17 years, I'm like, will you fuck my best friend in front of me,

please? Do you suck my buddy's dick until I come? Please, yeah. I know what you mean. It gives you something new to talk about, at least. What's, can't do the weather again. What's Bob's dick like? And I always talk about it.

It's purple. Is that what deep purple is? Ooh. Like a deep purple. Whoa. The head of your dick is purple and it's deep, it's deep purple. Whoa! The head of your dick is purple, and it's deep purple. Yeah, I like that. And then you wonder, what about Grimace?

He's purple. He's girthy. Girthy Grimace. GG. Alan. All right, so you're buying a purple suit. So I go, I'm doing the Tonight Show, which is exciting, you know, it's fun. It's fun to go get a new suit. Yeah, well, uh, you're buying a purple suit. So I go, I'm doing the Tonight Show, which is exciting. You know, it's fun. It's fun to go get a new suit.

Yeah, well, what do you go, soul train fashion, urban threads? Where do you go for that? Fubu. This is a Fubu. Oh, nice. For us, by us. That's right. So I went to Bloomingdale's. I like to go to Bloomy's. And normally I would go with my wife,

but we got a baby, and you don't want to bring the baby to Bloomingdale's or anywhere like to go to Bloomy's, and normally I would go with my wife, but we got a baby, and you don't wanna bring the baby to Bloomingdale's or anywhere. Honey fooboo, sorry, sorry. Wait, what is it again? Honey fooboo, like honey boo boo? Oh, I forgot about honey boo boo. I haven't thought about honey boo boo in a long time. I think about her every day.

This is the show. We're doing the show. This feels right. By the way, I really stand by, we talk about it every time. I think the live shows are the best shows. Birthdays was the worst days. Now that's the Reddit. We're thirsty. Yeah, Reddit would disagree, but keep going. So I went to Bloomingdale's to get the suit. I went solo and I walk in. I went to Ted Baker first. You know me, I like to Bloomingdale to get the suit. I went solo, and I walk in. I went to Ted Baker first. You know me, I like to Ted Baker it up.

But all their suits, they're checkery. So they're Moyer. You know Moyer? Is that the guy who circumcises? That's Moyol. Moyol. What's a Moyter? Moyer is when you're a suit or a garment, it moves on TV. Like Moyer is when you're a suit or a garment it moves on TV. Like Moyer Adams.

I don't know who that is either. Mayor Adams. Oh. You're going to tear your pants stretching like that. You guys know Moyer? Moire! Moire! Oh, this guy's, he went to college. Well that means there's someone in the business over there.

What do you do? Video! Yeah, Moire, right? What was I saying? Moire. Right. Moire. It's a more a eel anyways more ray less ray the right amount array it's when your suit gets

all wonko on TV I see so they said you can't have that whatever so then I went over to some other section called, I forget what it was, some other designer, and those suits are 2,800 bucks a suit. Yikes. I said, no thank you, this is, tonight's show pays 800 bucks or something. It's higher than that, but it's not much.

I think it's 12. Yeah, I think it's 1,200. And then it's taxes. When you guys are people that watch television sometimes? Does anyone watch The Tonight Show? No. Wow. Well, someone watched it.

I mean, I got a couple of tweets. All right. But whatever it is, yeah, on YouTube, whatever it is, they see it somewhere. You see it on YouTube. There you go. But anyways, the point is, I think, I've had this theory before, comedians will go on late night and do all these jokes about being broke. And I'm like, I don't think they work because at least in the old days, people see you on

TV in a suit, they think you're getting paid $5 million. So you see a comedian in The Tonight Show being like, boy, I got no money. And I'm like, but I think the audience is like, what do you mean you don't have money? You're on TV. It's a good point. But you don't make any money on TV. So they're right. That's so true.

Yeah. Any jizz. I went down there, I walk over, I meet a lady, she was very nice, and I'm afraid to shit on her too much because she's very nice and she might hear this. Julianne Moore? No, no. Oh. She was mean.

She said, get the fuck away from me, I heard you have herpes. And I was like, well, don't worry about it. No, so I went to buy the suit and the lady was very nice and she's like, I see you, see the purple Paul Smith suit. And I said, yeah, it looks pretty nice. I heard it will pop on TV. And this lady, she really sunk her teeth into me.

You can see she had like, what do you call that? When you're a salesman, a mark. She had a live one. A live one. Yes. She reeled me right in and I said I gotta try on the suit and I was wearing sweatpants and a fucking Arizona Wildcats t-shirt.

Sure, sure. And she said you can't try on a suit without a shirt. You gotta get a dress shirt to try on the suit because it doesn't fit the same way. I said all right, we'll go grab a dress shirt, thank you. She's aggressive. She brings me a shirt, I put the shirt on. I tried the suit on.

She's like, it's perfect. You gotta get this suit. I said, great. And I thought it looked fine. I was like, I'm in a suit. It looks like a suit. She brings the tailor in. So she's got a second guy.

Oh boy. A second person comes in and he's like, let me take a look. And she's touching my dick and moving the thing. And he's pulling, he's got the pins. Oh, you got it altered. Yeah, a tailor. Ah.

Tool man tailor. So he's reaching and he's like, you got a pinch. And I'm like, I think it looks pretty good. Yeah, it looks great. He's looking at the back, well now it's been tailored, but he's looking at the back and he's like, the back and then they show you in the mirror, he's like, look at this back.

And I'm like, I think it's a pretty good back. Great back, I've jizzed on that. He's like, look at this back. And I'm like, I think it's a pretty good back. Great back. I've jizzed on that. He's like, it's a terrible back. So he's putting the pins and the chalk and the business. Oh, yeah, the chalk. Whatever. And then I go, okay, well, tailor it up. Let's go.

Tailor Swift. I got to have it by Monday, 3 p.m. And he's like, no, no, no chance. I can't do it. Asian guy. So I'm like, oh chance I can't do it. Asian guy. So I'm like oh I don't do. He's a terror. That took a second you fucks.

Really did. So he's going no no I can't do it. And I'm like, OK, I start taking the suit off. I'm like, I got to go somewhere else. And the lady is in the mirror doing that. Don't worry about it. What does that mean? I don't know. I'm like, well, he's saying, it's like Ace Ventura.

He's like, your wife just said she expects a home any minute. I'm like, he just said I can't do it. And she's like, he can do it. Oh, that's the lady's bad news. And the guy he just said I can't do it. Right. And she's like, he can do it. Oh, that's ladies bad news. And the guy's like, I can't do it. I can have it Monday night, maybe. And I'm like, well, I need it Monday 3pm. And she's like, I'll get it by Monday 3pm. And he's like, I won't. She wants the sale. Yeah, she wants the sale. And I'm like, lady, I'm not going to buy a fucking thousand dollar suit if I can't wear the fucking thing. So then I go, all right. She's like, don't worry. So the tailor leaves and I'm like, lady, I'm not gonna buy a fucking thousand dollar suit if I can't wear the fucking thing. So then I go, all right, she's like, don't worry.

So the tailor leaves and she's like, it's totally fine, we can get it. She goes, we can do express tailoring. I said, well, mark me down for express. And then he like pops his head back in. He's like, that'll get it by 4pm, Monday. And she does this to him. So I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? Wow. So the Express tailoring is $25.

I go, no problem. I go, I'll pay whatever. I need the suit. So she goes, OK, you'll pay whatever. Oh. So now she's got me. I'm hooked, Jerry. This is a grift.

It's a total grift. So I go, OK, so yeah, I'll just, I'll pay. How does it work? And she's like, well, he could probably bump you up if you're willing to offer money. What is this, a kidney? I go, I go, yeah, well, what are we talking? I can give him money. She goes, let me go talk to him. Oh, come on, they're in cahoots? The whole time I'm in the suit, it's like baggy. I look like the Tom Hanks character

at the end of Big when he goes back to Small. Oh yeah, yeah. Well, wait, fuck that lady when he was like 14. Oh absolutely. And she must have felt weird. Yeah. So I'm swimming in the suit, I think it looks good, they think it looks bad, so she leaves, she comes back and she goes, okay yeah,

if you give him some money, and I go, well I got four bucks of me, I gotta go to an ATM. And she goes, he said there's one on 58th Street. Oh! I swear to God. Man. So they know what's going on 58th Street. Oh, man. So they know what's going on. So I go to the ATM, take out $80. I come back, and I felt like Albert Brooks.

I was like, listen, I've never done this. How do I do it? And she's like, well, just give me the money. I'll give it to him. And I'm like, I got $60. Does that work? She's like, that's perfect. Perfect. Was that too much? And she's like, that's perfect. Perfect.

I'm like, was that too much? Exactly. And she's like, that's good. Oh man. So I give her 60 bucks. She goes back to him. She comes back. She goes, I'll be ready at noon tomorrow.

Oh man. So they bumped it up three days for 60 bucks. You got rooked. I bet that guy didn't even have an accent. They were totally fucked. They painted his skin all brown. He wasn't white. He was brown. Yeah. Fuck. I blew it. So they go, okay, I'll be ready at tomorrow noon. I go, okay, terrific. And then she keeps going, by the way, I can do

personal shopping. Your wife has a baby. Tell me her size. I'll go shopping for you. And I'm like, this is, what am I fucking, Jeff Bezos? I can't afford a personal shopper. So she goes, give me your number, give me your cell, and I, well, I'll text you later. She goes, this is my cell. Jesus. She goes, text me so I have your number,

which is psychot, is that crazy? It's wacky, I think these are gypsies. Something's up, so then the next day, I come back at noon, all ready to go, straight from the gym, sweating, rock hard. I go, I'm ready to pick my suit up. And she goes, oh, that's not ready today. It's not ready at noon.

What? What happened to the greasing? I said I greased. I got grease everywhere. Grease is the word. So she goes, he doesn't even get in till noon. Oh! And I was like, you said noon. And she goes, he doesn't even get in till noon. Oh. And I was like, you said noon. And she goes, it'll be ready at four. So I'm like, well, I can't come in.

I'll have to come tomorrow. So now I got to go three days in a row. I go, I come back Sunday. I get the thing. She brings up the suit and the shirt. I try it on. Fits great. Hands me the receipt.

The shirt, this shirt, the one that she's like, you gotta get the shirt now that you've tried it on. Right. $270 this shirt. Whoa! That's what my old suit cost that. I mean, is that fucking wild? That's outrageous. She could have grabbed me a Sears shirt.

Yeah, those are $23.99. I've stole them. $270. White shirt. Wow. You got rooked. She thought you were some rube from Indiana. I was hoping this would get a big laugh, but you guys are just like, you got fucked over. That's horrible.

I know. I'm wearing a $270 shirt. Well what's the suit go for? This is a thousand. This shirt is 25% of the suit. That's why I'm wearing it. I'm not taking it off till Christmas. What is this place so we can all throw a Molotov cocktail to the window?

It's Bloomingdale's. I go to Bloomy's, baby. Oh, I thought you went to some shouty operation in the garment district and some fucking shysty Jew got you. No, this is Blooms. Blooms! And then yesterday, it's the big taping, and I get a, hello, Mr. List, good luck. And I'm like, I send it to the guy that books The Tonight Show Mike is this your people and he's like that's not one Of us and I go who the fuck is texting me like good luck on the Tonight Show. I have no idea

It's the woman. Oh, I never gave her my number. She looked it up in the system. I marked my word. She gives hand jobs Well, she texted me today. She wrote great job. The suit looks good with a link to the set as though I wasn't Like she's like here. It is Here's a video of the set. I'm like fucking I know I was there. I gotta say She's more invested in your life than your wife. Oh, absolutely Sarah doesn't even know I was on the Tonight Show She hasn't seen me. I've been home. I've been out fucking women all night This is crazy. Yeah, So anyways, I'm wearing a $1,300 outfit. She fucked me on the shirt.

Yeah, she did. And... Bloomingdale, there's a... The tailors are shifty. I had a guy, everybody goes, You got to go to Hong Kong Tailor. Hong Kong Tailor is some crazy Korean guy in the village. Not another fake name.

Google it. Hong Kong Tailor. It's on like 8th Street right off 6th Avenue. So I go, all right, I got a nice suit my dad gave me. It's too big. He's fat. I'm gonna go in there. I'm gonna get it all fitted. And this guy, I mean, he was like a ninja.

He, I mean, you know, he was... I believe they all are. Yeah. Ninja, please. But he was, he put on some music, and it was like, wah, bamboo pipe and all that, and a pan flute. And he had like a little, what do you call that?

The splashy rock thing with the water. What about the cat with the hand? Oh, the cat was in there doing the white power yeah yeah and... Cat power? Yeah good man but it was all Asian-y and he got down and he had a robe on and those those wooden shoes that have just two two blocks on the bottom you know I swear to God he had a ponytail and he's used the samurai to cut it up. And he was marking me up with all the chalk all day long. He was putting pins in me, and he went,

and popped a smoke bomb, and it was gone. And I'm just like, I'm just hearing Kash with cha-ching, cha-ching, like, how much is this gonna cost? Cha-ching, cha-ching? I don't think you can say that. What the hell? This is a family show. Well, there goes SNL. But I'll get it in five years. Hundred dollar bet?

So yeah, he goes, Ed's gonna run about 300 bucks. And he's been in there for like 45 minutes, just chalking me up. And I go, oh, yeah, yeah. I got to take a phone call. I had my jeans and coats and shirt in there, because I'm wearing the suit now. I took a phone call and I ran home. So watch out for that guy. He's out there.

I hope he never hears this, because he's got a picture of me with a knife in it in the wall. But it feels like you robbed him. You stole the suit. Well, it was my suit. Oh, you should tell her. All right, I'm sorry. I forgot it was the dad's suit. He didn't give me a suit.

I thought you were in my situation, then you just ran out of Bloomingdale's. No, no, this is Hong Kong's and he got my jeans. I mean, I knew it was Hong Kong's, but I thought he made the suit for you. No. And then while he was fixing it, you took off. He wouldn't make me a suit.

I got you. All right. I got confused. I get confused myself sometimes. Yeah, it was bad. It was like an episode of Squid Game. But I got out. Well, suits are, it's tricky business out there.

Yeah, lawsuit. Suit yourself. We got a hot show tonight. And we got some big guests. It's gonna be a hot show. We got some guests out here? What? They're over there, I think. Oh yeah, they're there. Oh some big guests. It's gonna be a hot show. What? They're over there, I think. Oh, yeah, they're there. Oh, big time.

They're angry. They're waiting. Legendary guests. Oh, yeah. And another guy, too. Yes. We got the guy who lit himself on fire for Palisades. No.

We got a... Well, we should start with the nobody first. Absolutely. Yeah. And then we'll work our way up. You know, sometimes they say this man needs no introduction. This man needs a lot of introduction. Yes, yes. Lots and lots of it.

Well, he's a comedian. Yeah, out of Texas. Houston, to be exact. Uh-huh. Owns his own comedy club. He's got a YouTube special coming out sometime in the future. Soon. Yes. I assume you all do They're pretty common now, but yeah put your hands together for Andrew Youngblood

You've heard him mentioned on the pod hey There you go, they're on the chair it's on the chair I Oh, there you go. They're on the chair. It's on the chair. I got no greeting. What's up, guys? All right. No one gives us instructions. They're just mics in the back. Oh, yeah. Just come out and grab a seat. Maybe I should go on the end there. Why is that? Is it weird? We just put a ramp. I guess... Should I sit here?

You got no arm there, though. I got no arm, but... I feel we were putting a... It feels like an intervention. We put the guy right in the middle. Sit here, then. Is it too close to you? What does that mean? A lot of planning has gone into this show. All right, you're right.

We're not big planners. No, planner fitness. I got planner fasciitis. There you go. All right, and next up, you all know him. You've seen him on HBO, Comedy Central, Netflix, Sirius Radio. Put your hands together for Jim Norton, everybody.

Oh, my God. Yee-haw. How the hell did we get him? Wherever you want. Oh, OK. We got one more. We got all the guests. We're all here.

And another comedy legend. I've known this guy for fucking 75 years. He officiated my wedding. You know him. You love him. Robert Kelly is here, everybody. Yay! There he is. Yeah!

Right in the middle, baby. Unless you want arms. Do you want arms? Are you okay with no arms? No, I'm good. They didn't know I was here, Right in the middle, baby. Unless you want arms. Do you want arms? Are you OK with no arms? No, I'm good. They didn't know I was here. So when they said that thing, the fucking worst to the best, and you brought me up last, you know you wanted Norton last.

No. You looked at me and went, oh, shit, he's here too. Fuck. No. This is no hierarchy. We're all zeros. Yes. Yeah. You're good. We went by size. What's up?

That hurts you look great though, you look great. Hey, thank you. How about him the Bible salesman here? Sure, I like it. I think it looks good that suits you Works Bob get so much this shirt cost? $3.59. $2.70. You fucked me. Is that the worst? You're like, guess how fat this girl was? I don't know, 180? You're like, she was 210. You fucked me. I guess I did it reverse. But you guys, still gonna laugh. Whatever. Well, every time we come on, we do a live pod. We all just want to zing and zang and have a nice time. And we lose the essence of the show, which is story. Yes. At a boy, Joe. Yes.

Is that what you that's what you heard? And we never asked the guests to tell a story. So I told Andrew ahead of time, Andrew's a fucking crazy gambling party. Fucking not. I'm a regular person no come on I got kids shit well they don't listen to this they don't you know figured out I got two you know I've known you for fucking eight years now I thought you had one kid no I got I got a six-year-old Mexican and I got a 14 year old white that's white white yeah yeah I'm a 14-year-old white. Nice. White, white, white.

No, I'm more of a fan of the Mexican. He's the better. Did you adopt the Mexican? No, no, no, just came in a Mexican. That's it. Is that easy? You ought to fuck the ones I fuck. They never get pregnant. Yeah, unless they spit into a vagina.

All right. Yeah, unless they spit into a vagina. I didn't... All right. Are there Mexican trans? Are there? No. I mean, who knows? What a cute, naive question.

Yes. I never see them. They're just too busy working. Reasonably priced, fully functional. Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. Wow.

Usually I'm circumcised. Yeah. Unclipped, we say in the biz. It's a real tamale. In the union. Yeah. Really? Oh yeah. Wow. Usually I'm circumcised. Yep. Unclipped we say in the biz. It's a real tamale.

In the union. You've never been with a trans girl? I have actually on accident. Oh yeah, I heard about that. Oh yeah, me too. Accident. Jim married one by accident. I'm like, yeah, this is the 5,000th time I've made this mistake.

Actually, I said, oh. You ever? Huh? You ever been with a trans? No. Come on, with that hat. Okay. I got this from a trans.

She was in a condom No, I mean I've come close What do you mean it miss your mouth yeah I've never been one like fully like you know I'm gonna go and be I've been around him. I've been near it I I love it. I think a lot've been around him. I've been near it. I love it. I think a lot of girls are sexy. I've sucked one off. I, no, no, I haven't.

Yeah. Well, DeRosa did it and it like helped his career. Doesn't work that way for all of us. He's selling more sandwiches than ever. Yeah. Have you ever been in a trance? No, I've never been with a man or yet no. What about a boy? Yeah, what about an eager lad you were babysitting? Joe never babysat. I babysit now. My baby. That's not babysitting, that's watching. That's your kid. That's what I'm taking care of.

Well, whatever. It's called fatherhood. That's amazing, you're a dad. Big dad, big old dad. Crazy. Crazy. Big dad energy, thank you. Very happy.

Yeah, I was with a baby today. Did you snip him? No, that's a myth. Wait, wait, what? What do you mean? You know, people think you cut a baby's dick off. You don't cut his dick off. Oops.

What do you mean? You didn't do it? I keep thinking that didn't get a laugh, because you guys didn't laugh, so now it feels like you think that I think the snip is cutting the baby's dick off. But did you circ it? No, no, that was our... they did that.

They didn't even say, like, That was our... They did that. They didn't even say like, hey... They just take it away. Really? Yeah. They just come in, we'll be right back. And they really don't ask. And then they come back and they bring you a perfect cock.

Yeah. They play a commercial. For later sucking. Wow. No, there was no... The umbilical... You're talking about the umbilical cord. No, you're talking about the piece.

Talking about the stick. No, he's talking about the umbilical cord. No, no, circumcision. Yeah. Oh, I thought you were talking about... Because the dadbilical cord. No, you're talking about the piece. Talking about the dick. No, he's talking about the umbilical cord. No, no, circumcision. Oh, I thought you were talking about, because the dad cuts the cord. Oh. That's gross. That's why it wasn't funny, because you were talking about cutting the dick off. Yeah, yeah.

I thought you were talking about cutting the cord, and I was doing a gag that I thought cutting the cord is cutting the dick off. These are the type of mishaps that people take a threes company. We should write a show, the five of us. I think five white men could sell a show right now. Yes, that's what the industry wants. One Mexican baby. There you go.

But no, I didn't cut anything. I didn't do nothing. I just sat there. But did they cut his dick? Is your kid circumcised? Thank you. That's what we're trying to get at. I don't like to talk about this kind of stuff.

We want to know about your kid's dick. People are very judgmental. It's a child who has a dick. I got attacked. I got attacked by a lot of people when I got my kid circumcised. Really? But it's not something you think about.

Look, I'm Irish Catholic from Boston. It's just something you do. And they come in. We're going to take the kid. OK, you're so fucked up. You don't even know what's going on, I guess. And they take it, and they rip shit off your kid's dick, and then hand them back to you with a red dick.

You're like, uh... What do I do now? And they're like, it's okay. And then, you know, you hope for the best. Yeah, yeah. You hope he likes it. Yeah. Well, I mean, I like yours.

Yeah, I love yours. Yeah. I'm also clipped. But I wish that I hadn't been mutilated. Why? No, I like yours. Yeah, I love yours. Yeah. I'm also clipped. But I wish that I hadn't been mutilated. Why? No, I'm just kidding. Guy who makes it serious. You know, all kidding aside.

I've seen those protesters out there every now and then. Like, it's mutilation. They have red paint on the front of their white pants. Those guys are the fucking, what buzz kills. I know. What is this, October 7? Take it easy. Those are Palestinians.

Oh. The Jew, the second, okay. My white kid is clipped, but my Mexican, they're like, you gotta make an appointment. And I was like, yeah. So he's just sleeping bagging it. Like it's full on. So when they see each other's dicks,

are they like, hey, what's going on here? I mean, it's like 10 years apart, so they don't really look at each other's full on. So when they see each other's dicks, are they like, hey, what's going on here? I mean, it's like 10 years apart, so they don't really look at each other's dicks. It's not like, hey, 14 year old, go take a bath with your brother. It's weird. How old is these little guys? I got a six and 14.

Yeah, you don't want the 14 year old staring at the six and 14. No, yeah, they hate each other. It's wild. Well, Bob and I are 10 years apart. We look at each other's dick all the time. All the time. I have seen his dick.

Every time we FaceTime, the camera slowly comes down. I mean, talking about serious stuff, like, yeah, man, thanks so much for helping me out, and it slowly pans down, and his cock has been hard. Sure. Full hard the whole time around the phone. That's funny. Yeah. Unless you work for CNN.

I don't want to live in a world where having a conversation with someone on the phone and then you show them your hard dick isn't funny. That's not... Yeah. That's gold. Yeah. Louie loves that one. That's pretty good.

In high school, the old wristwatch, you know, they're like, oh, what time it is? You got the wristwatch on or you got the tumor. Remember? Yeah. You guys remember that? It's like, Oh man, my stomach's been hurting. I got the tumor. It's just your friend's ball. So yeah, the bat wings. That was a big one. Satin gum, satin gum, monkey brains. You get someone to tuck it and just do the girl thing. And that's what I did that today. I do that every time I take a shower. Me too. You ever see the video where the guy tucks his balls in his asshole and then farts them

out? Yes. It's one of the greatest things on the internet. Yeah, that's great. And you'll be like, oh, and you'll watch it 75 times. And you'll show it to your wife or your grandmother. It's the best video ever because Because he has a nice asshole. Yeah. I directed that video. I'm very proud of that. It took him 40 takes to get it, but

he finally popped them out. We celebrate it. It's a big good. It's one of my favorite videos. You want to see it? Now, do women ever do this? Yeah, sure. You guys are late. Do you ever, like, you're talking to your friend and then you go, hey, time for clams. And then you do like that. Clam sauce. No? know well you're the only two women so I don't know who else to ask women over there boom take your tits out in a

conversation sometimes all right like you're talking to one of your girl hey Hey, Sue. Whoa. Oh, man. Well, you got itchy tits and then they fall out. Great dick. That might be different. All right, ready, here you go. All right, this is bad pop. Oh, fuck. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't like that. I don't like that. It's pretty wild. It looks like he's laying eggs. That's crazy. That looked like soft serve ice cream for a second. Yeah. Also, the guy's dick is like seven feet long.

Yeah, it's a huge gong. You have a big dick and a nice ass to do this video right. Can we pull this up in the big screen? Get that on the projector. Air drop it to the guy who owns the place. No, we can't show this. Yes you can. We can fucking shut down.

It's fucking awesome. Let me see it, Bob. It's pretty good. Let me see it. Oh, come on. All right, okay, there's a man's hiney, a long penis, and his balls just drooped out of it. That was really impressive.

Yeah, yeah. Man. What good timing he had. Even ran in the room with his balls tucked to keep the joke pure. I wonder how many takes that took. 74. How many fights he had with his wife.

The craziest part is the length of his dick. I couldn't stop staring at his dick. He's got a big piece. Big hug. And I part is the length of his dick. I couldn't stop staring at his dick. He's got a big piece. Big hug. I never see the back of a dick that often. You got to live a little. Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, no, please. Do you guys ever get milked, like when you're in your? I love milk. That used to be my thing from 95 to 2003. But you were in a bar. I was the milking king of Boston. Wait. from 95 to 2003. But you were in a... I was the milking king of Boston. Wait.

You were in a barn, though. You're fat now, too. I know. Yeah, I used to love that. The milking. I used to have a girl that just did that. Really? Yeah, we didn't even have sex.

She would just put me on all fours and milk me like a fucking baby calf. Was there a missing kid on the side of your leg? That was a great tattoo. Just a surprise there one day. I liked it. I remember one time it was hot. I think one of those hot New York days we used to have before climate change.

And she went, we did it, and then she went like, she really went like this to my butt. I got into my position, she went, go wash your bum, honey. Wow. Damn. Now was there a milking table? Have you seen that where they get under it? Oh yeah, the massage table with the hole in it. Thank you. Yes. No I didn't know they had that. Yeah. I'd ask for that for Christmas. So what are you doing? They're on Amazon. Yeah it's a great place to put a cactus under. So what are you doing

it then? How you doing it? The milking. Well she, I don't do it, she does it. But that's just a hand job, is it not? Well it's from the back though, you pull everything from the back. You pull it from the back and boodoo boodoo boodoo, ba ba ba ba. And then boom. Oh man. You're a good dad. From the back. Any girl did that? Any girl raised... Don't be embarrassed.

Raise your hand. There's only six women here. We got... Nobody ever did that from behind. Someone either scratched her face or raised their hand politely, and I'm staring at them, so now I feel weird. And if you... Look, there's a couple guys like this.

She did it. Come on. I always find it's hard to really spice things up when you're married. I mean, I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married.

I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. She did it. Come on. I always find it's hard to really spice things up when you're married, because I talk about this a lot, because you have to segue back into your regular life. I would never let my wife do that. What?

Because I love her. I would never let her. Especially now, I'm 53, it looks like an elephant's knee pad down there. I don't know. But it's hard to be like, let's bring a guy over to fuck you in front of me the way I pray for her. Because then you have to be like, okay, take care, Glenn, good to meet you.

And then you got to go back to eating spaghetti and meatballs together. It's just too weird. I've done that. We did it with a male escort, years ago with a girlfriend I had and she, I wanted to see her blow a guy. So we got an escort so it wouldn't be somebody who got attached to her.

And he came over and he had a considerably larger penis than I did. She liked it a lot. That's tough. I one time did that in a beach town. I was on vacation, this lady was hitting on me, and then her husband comes over, and her husband's just talking, and then he leaves, and she's like, do you wanna fuck me?

And I was like, what about your husband? She's like, here's the deal, he's gonna watch. I was like, all right. And I go over there, and I like, we start, you know? And he's just in the kitchen, like at the island, drinking a beer and like watching. I'm like, this is like behind me. I was like, this guy's about to kill me.

I'm like, so I'm like slowly, like just like turn her to the side like that. You know? Is it Jerry Falwell? It was so fucking weird. And then finally I finished. And also I'm scared because I got my, I didn't, I was so scared.

I didn't even take my jeans off all the way. I got the shoes on and the jeans on. Oh, that's a bad idea. I'm so vulnerable right now, you know And so I finish and then I get to leave and the guys like on the way out He goes let me walk you out and he's like, thank you very much It was an Elvis impersonator By the way, do you know the humiliation the humiliation of being a cuck a guy's like, it's funny, I've been the bull in that situation.

I did the fucking. Is that what they call it? The bull? The bull and the cuck. Yeah, what are you, a rookie? Hey, I never became a bull. I was always just a cow. Wait, so I feel like you skipped some parts.

So did he jerk off? He didn't do anything. He literally, first of all, pretty sure he's like a mega hat wearing guy. He had like a camo. The whole thing was he was like an army guy. He could have kicked my ass so easily. It was terrifying.

And then I'm like, Ooh, equal rights. Like it was fucking, I didn't know. It was so strange. So this was recently. I'm not putting ooh, equal rights. Like it was fucking, I didn't know, it was so strange. So this was recently. I'm not putting a timestamp on it. Okay, but it was, it was Megatimes? Yeah, I mean, he existed for sure. Okay, so this is like in the last nine years.

He was polite, he was nice, and he was like thankful that I railed his wife. Wow. So Megatimes is not that bad. Yeah, I think so. Did you wear a condom? Yeah, come on. Good move. Did she come? No. Who knows? Omega is not that bad. Yeah You know where a condom yeah, come on move

come No She's not coming to I don't know I did you know what I did get paranoid that I left the condom there Tied it off and put it in my pocket and left but instead I threw it in the trash and then for like months later I was like they're probably doing shit with my comb like still You know he sounds like a faggot Yeah, he drank it yeah, oh yeah, yeah definitely drank that He's drinking come out of a barrel if you're gonna drink comets fresh. I don't know. What do you do Jim? I don't know. What do you do Jim? Well, I imagine

What I imagine being a Cuck every morning. I'm picturing myself Standing and jerking off on the guy. Yeah, I think maybe maybe can't get I don't know I didn't I didn't really like dig in, you know, but maybe couldn't get hard maybe But he was all zipped up He was fully he literally was drinking a Coors Light and smoking a cigarette And I was like this is awesome. I've had that happen. I had that happen at the stress factory. Oh happen after the show this

beautiful like She was older than me at the time But you know like 38 or something really sexy. She's like hey She whispered in my ear. I want to blow you But my husband's going to watch. Is that OK? I went, yeah, Green was right back there. Soon as I'm done fucking selling him a CD.

And I went in the green room, and she was there, and he just stood in the corner like fucking Count Dracula in the shadows. Whoa. I didn't give a shit. Well, did you catch eyes with him? Is that weird? I stared right at him. I was like this

Make sure he's not reaching for something in his pocket. I made him look down like a fucking dog you're No, it was kind of sexy, but I mean she you know she had beautiful breasts, and she really was into it and right at the end They're like, okay bye and I help you know, she cleaned up blah blah blah And there was like see you later and I was like bye and then a couple years later I had one of my fats like I got fat again. Just fucking and they showed They showed up and I saw them and I was like cuz when you when you get fat you really don't know

Yeah fat use your friends talking behind your back how you know are and I saw them and I was like, because when you get fat, you really don't know that you're fat. You just, your friends talking behind your back how fat you are. And I didn't know. I was like, hey guys, I'll see you after the show. And they're like, nope, bye. And they just fucking left. I was like, I'm fat. Did you sell her a CD?

I didn't have a CD at then. Oh, the first time I did. I gave her a CD and then some. Yeah. I met a couple one time through the, I think it was the newspaper. Like years ago you could write people through the paper and it was a woman.

That? Yeah, like the Star Ledger and all that stuff in New Jersey. Was it the 20s? They had singles ads. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I'm on a cum on your wife's tits. Extra, extra, read all about it. Little gay man wants to suck a guy off

in front of his wife. Well, it was only her who advertised because she said she wanted to meet a straight guy. And when I talked to her, like I sent her a picture through the mail, like the regular mail, and she's like, I'm married, but I wanted to get straight guys, but my husband wants to watch.

So I went to their house in North Jersey and it was so bizarre. He looked like a little pizza maker. Like she was probably, I was about 22 and she was about 35 and he was probably in his 60s. And we 69, she and I, and she was blowing me. But then I looked over and I realized he was very, very close to my penis. So I think he may have been a little helper. But I couldn't really tell if he was touching my dick. Is it funny if he was doing a watercolor? No, I think he got a couple of little swipes in.

Oh! Yeah, that's you. Oh, like, he was? I think so. Let me tell you, you know he, do you know him? I don't know, I would tell you, believe me. No, fuck, there's no way you're sitting, no way you felt two tongues on your boss' dick.

But it might have been, they might have, she might have pulled off and he might have went off like... Oh, it's like when you leave the dog on the bed. You know? You're like, somebody licked my asshole. And it felt good. I lost my virginity to an old bag prostitute and her husband was there for the virginity. Wow.

The prostitute had a husband? You mean pimp? I think, they seem friendly. Yeah, pimps are friendlier. Did you pay or was it? No, no charge. Wow. I think she had a thing for little boys.

You sure you just weren't molested? I was, either way. You were just molested by your aunt? I was 16. She was probably 52. Yeah, you did get molested. I got molested. That's gross.

That's my wife's age. Sorry. It might have been her. It can be for the right price. $2.50. Sorry, Bob. If we fuck your wife enough, you can buy a milking table. right price. $2.50. Sorry, Bob. If we fuck your wife enough, you can buy a milking table. But yeah, so.

How much are they? I think they're going to be like 80 bucks. Less than Joe's shirt, that's for sure. 270. You've never done anything weird. Oh, come on, the black hookers? That's not weird. Yeah, that's not weird. Well, you've never. Well, they just robbed us. I didn't even fuck anybody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just smeared their tits on my glasses and took my money. It was like a James Bond car. They fogged up you. I've been robbed by hooker. I mean, I've eaten assholes out. Yeah, but that's not weird at all now.

It's 2024. Who was he? I don't know. Some guy, he was dressed like a cow. His dick was sticking out. Did you ever have a threesome? No. Really?

Did you ever have a... Well, we had those two old ladies that time. Oh yeah. Mark and I each had an old bag. Yeah, we broke into that nursing home. I forgot about that. Yeah, it was after a show. And were they sisters or aunts?

What the fuck were they? They weren't, they weren't nuns. Aunts is older for some reason. It wasn't good. They were golden girls. And we went back to their hotel. They must have been fit. Oh, and I also had, I fucked like a 380 pound woman while John Dustin fucked a grandmother

in the same bed. And she was bleeding too. Oh. And a boy, Joe, Joe, Joe. Well, I've told the story many times, but she also broke the tile. She was pissing while she blew me. Broke the tile? Yeah. Somehow a tile could break. This is an old hotel, but she also broke the tile. She was pissing while she blew me. Broke the tile? Yeah, somehow a tile could break.

This is an old hotel, but she was sitting on the toilet. She's like, I gotta piss so bad. Are you sure you didn't fuck a baby gorilla? That's crazy. And while she was blowing me, I was so fucked up, and I was holding on to the shower curtain. And then she was like, I gotta piss. And it was like, pshh.

It was so aggressively waterfolly. And it really. While she blew you? Yeah. Oh, do you know how much I've spent on that? That's like a Blumpkin, but not quite, right? Yeah. Blumpkin is blowing while shitting.

It's a pumpkin. Remember the time we did the show upstate? We did the show upstate, and we're coming back, and I'm starving. I'm like, I'm hungry. I'm hungry. And he's like, no, I want to. He drives like this.

No, I want to get home. I want to get home. I'm like, what? All of a sudden, he sees adult bookstore. Eh! Middle of nowhere. Cuts across the fucking highway. He goes in, and I'm sitting there just waiting.

And he comes out, fucking motherfuckers, cuck suckers. He's all mad. Remember you were mad? I remember the place, but I don't remember why I was mad. You were mad because, guys, it was a gay spot. You went into jerk off in a booth, but it was a gay jerk off booth, and they just kept knocking on the door politely.

Yeah, the quiet. I'm in here, and they're like, knock, knock, knock, knock. And you kept having to say, I'm in here. They didn't get the hint? Well, the worst is when there's a hole in the jerk-off booth and you just see a crooked finger come through and do that. I've seen that. That's a buzzkill.

Yeah. And I remember we went. I just didn't understand that. And we were at the meet. You finally took me to McDonald's. And I was like, dude, would you, like, if someone gave you a million dollar, you know you do that game, dude, would you, if someone gave you a million dollars, you know you did that game, dude, would you, if somebody gave you a million dollars cash, tax free, no one will

ever know, suck off an old guy and let him come in your mouth for a million dollars. I like that it's tax free. All right, now I'm in. If Uncle Sam's got his dirty hands in there, I'm not sucking that duck. He goes, what are you, I'm not sucking that duck. He goes, what are you crazy? Of course I would. I just let a black chick shit on my chest

and I paid her $500. What are you, Vince McMahon? Jesus Christ. I was riding around looking at transgender gals one night in the meat packing district before it got really expensive is where all those hookers would hang out. And there was one I just kept riding around and looking, and I pulled up to her, and she reached in and she took my glasses, because I was wearing my glasses.

And I was like, and she goes, for wasting my time, and took my glasses, and I was like, I couldn't see at all. And I saw a police car drive by, and I had to drive up, and I beeped the horn, and I was like, I couldn't see at all. And I saw a police car drive by, and I had to drive up and I beeped the horn, I flashed down the police car, and I'm like, that lady took my glasses, so the police had to go and get this woman to give back my glasses.

You're like a horny Karen. And the cops are like, you know that those are not chicks. I'm like, oh, I didn't know. I didn't have my glasses on. I was driving back from a shitty Jersey gig with this new kid, and was sitting in the beat packing district. Came through the tunnel, and we're at a red light.

And the kid goes, and we see these transgender hookers coming down. And they're barely trying. One of them looked like Lamont from San Fransino. And he goes, he goes, he's like yo man is it true about Jim Norton that he is that all bullshit is that true and I literally looked to my left and at the car next to me at the light little Saturn It's probably the same night you got your glasses no no no that way is that answer your question I went Norton

Saturn I'm surprised you weren't driving a Uranus That glass is thing is that's brutal oh yeah, she she's reached right in and snatched them, invaded my space. I remember like street prostitutes were exciting and fun. Oh yeah. Now it's, I would never do a prostitute because you gotta go to their house. Yeah. Yeah, like they're in their apartment. It's like, ugh. You know too much.

You see their dog and their couch and their DVD collection. I don't want to bump into like an open mic open mic or that's staying living next door in the same house in Astoria, right? Right. Yeah about me Hi headline well back in the day On 43rd Street. There was just all Streetwalk. Oh, yeah Yeah, the internet there were was girls like in G-strings and high heels just walking the streets and as soon as you pulled up they'd come up to the car,

yo baby, and it was kind of exciting. Even if you weren't gonna do it, just to talk to them and let them reach in and grab you. You a cop, you a cop, no I'm not a cop. Oh that's hot. There was a Hestation on 10th Avenue right by that Hestation. Yeah right over there. It was wild.

Oh, yeah. I grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood. And my dad was the whitest man on the planet. And he dressed like Joe. And so black kids would be playing in the fire hydrant spray. And he'd pull up before school and be like, excuse me, that's illegal.

And I was like, oh, jeez. But there was one morning where there was a couple of hookers out in front of our house hooking and my dad was like you can't stand here and they're like fuck you motherfucker and they start kicking the car with the heels I didn't know what was going on I was like these ladies are crazy later I found out because I fucked one of them but I didn't know they were hookers at the time I was too too innocent you ever hit the hooker game I know you got a 14 year old and a six year old that listen Yeah, yeah both of them hooker moms

Hooker moms is a new MTV show. It was a payment plan. So gotta keep going You know, I've dabbled life I've dabbled a little bit. I don't, you know. They're gonna come back to New York, I think. No, the street walking will probably never happen again because it's all like on apps and online. It's just, it's so much easier. The migrants will need work. What's the new website we were talking about in the regs? Ooh, I don't know, I forget.

Eros. Eros. Eros. The website? Yeah, the Eros, you know Eros. Eros is still up, yeah, sure. Yeah, it's still up, but it's like the, the Eero, you know Eero. Eero's is still up, yeah, sure. Yeah, it's still up, but it's like the high end, it's like buying a Lexus.

I just wanna get like a used, pre-owned Toyota. Yeah. Yeah. He's not spending over 150, that's it. 150, what is it, 87? I don't know. At least 200, 250. What's the going race, Jim? I haven't, and literally in five years.

Wow. I have not, I haven't fucked anybody else. That's the going race? I haven't in literally in five years. Wow. I have not I haven't fucked anybody else Fucking big man That's huge. Yeah, I believe I've not cheated on my wife. It's amazing Do you look for you you could have bought a house with the money you spent on prostitutes? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you buy new glasses? No, I went back to contacts. I was like, ah, they'll never get me again. That'd be so awful. She's like, hey.

Yeah, you gotta buy. She's just took you contacts out. They just came in them. Woo. So Andrew, did you prepare a story? Because I told Andrew, bring a humdinger. Yes. I got one.

Trigger warning. It's a three sexual assaults in one night situation. You're fucked. You raped three women a little time ago. No, no, no. Come on. That's a personal.

No, no, no. It's a good one. I can't wait. Yeah. 25 years old, go down to Mexico for the very first time. I went with a lady who was, she was my roommate at the time. She goes, let's go to Mexico. I'll pay for it all because I'm broke.

I got nothing. And I was like, oh, well, this lady doesn't want anything for me. This She goes, let's go to Mexico. I'll pay for it all because I'm broke. I got nothing. And I was like, oh, well, this lady doesn't want anything from me. This is perfect. And we go to Mexico. Matamoros, which is a border town. Real piece of shit drug town. And we go down the main street and this guy in Spanish goes,

$13, all you can drink. And I was like, that's all I got. So that's perfect. Good deal. Wow. Yeah, so I go in and it's just like horchata containers like full of booze. Like one says Jack and Coke on it,

but it was definitely like gasoline. It was bad. So it was shit. This is on the Texas side of the Mexico side. We're in Mexico. We left Texas already. But we're like a mile and a half from Texas. Gotcha.

But back then all you needed is an ID. Now they care who comes over and back. But back then all you needed is an ID. Now they care who comes over and back. But back then, just an ID. And so we go in, we're getting hammered, we're having a great time. They have a shot bar. There's four shot glasses. There's a guy with two fingers. That's crazy, right? It's old man. And you go up, you're like, can I get two shots? He'd pour half sprite, half tequila. He'd slam it down. He'd give it to you, and then he wouldn't wash it and give it to the next person. Like it was disgusting.

Nice. It was brutal. So the shot is half? Half tequila, half sprite. That's just, it was $13, all you can drink. What were we expecting here, you know? My dad's fair. So we're having a good time. I'm pretty fucking hammered at this point.

And we're dancing, and this girl comes over to me, and she's like, hey my friend thinks you're cute. You want to dance with them? And I go, yeah I'd love to dance with them. Were you dancing with just you and your friend? That's just us, just hanging out. You and a dude? No, it was a girl. Oh yeah, she wasn't, she looked like you but she was a girl. But uh, she looked like a Goth Keeper elf? I know girls like that and they'll blow you while pissing. Yeah, well... We're dancing and we're having a good time this lady comes over

She's like you want to dance with my friend I'd love to and then a few minutes later I'm surrounded by like ten people and they're like circling all around us and dancing I'm like what the hell's going on? I realize I'm in a gay bar. It's all guys and I was like, what the hell's going on? And I realized I'm in a gay bar, it's all guys. And I was like, oh shit, I'm cool with that. I'm okay, like I don't, I'm not gonna make a deal with it. But then I go, I gotta get out of the situation and there's a language barrier and I don't know how to say, I don't wanna suck your cock, but you know. So I just go, hey, I gotta go to the bathroom,

I'll be back, and I didn't realize. That's the wrong thing to do in a game. That's exactly what I'm talking about. It's literally the fucking, the cock sucking cave. Yeah, that means. It's like somebody's like, I got it. I gotta go to the bathroom. That's the equivalent of ringing a dinner bell. Yeah, no.

And I didn't know, but. I gotta go drop Trow if you know what I mean. I'm gonna go take a poop. I gotta go drop trow if you know what I mean. I'm gonna go take a poop. I gotta get blown. So I go to the bathroom and I'm pretending to pee at the urinal, just trying to like, I'm too drunk to really like, how do I handle this? And two guys followed me into the stall. Ooh baby.

And then I turn around, my dick's out because I'm not good at pretending, I guess. You're hard. Well, one of them grabs my dick and puts it in the other guy's mouth. Nice. Right? And then the other one grabs it, and I'm like fucking drunk,

and I'm like, oh, this feels awesome. Ah. Jesus. Wow. You took it and put it in the other guy's mouth. I didn't, he did it. They were like, boom, oh yeah, they were sharing. They were like, uh.

That's a good buddy. It was three card Monte in your dick. It was, yeah, it was a whole thing. And they're sharing, I'm like panicking, and I'm like, this feels good, but you know, I'm too, like I can't, you know. And so I go, I support you guys, but I don't really support this. So we get out of here. I love that.

I love that you're so liberal while getting raped. You're like, I'm for gay marriage. I just, it's the gay assault I'm a little awkward about. Yeah, I'm a snowflake for sure. And then the security comes in, he bangs on, it's the gay assault I'm a little awkward about. Yeah, yeah. I'm a snowflake for sure. And then the security comes in, he bangs on it, he's like, hey, what are you boys doing in there? I was like, I ain't doing nothing, man! I'm doing nothing!

Please tell me he came in and started sucking your balls. He kicks us out. And he kicks us out. And we get kicked out of the bathroom, and I'm like, I wasn't really even doing anything. It was all them. And I get to my friend, I was like, we got to get the kicked out of the bathroom I'm like I wasn't really even doing anything it was all them and I get to my friend I was like we got to get the fuck out of here she goes what happened I was like let's just not talk about it. Were you kind of like puffed up at this point? I just got the best blow job of my life.

No it was great but I was like panicking I was too you know honestly that was my 20s if it was my 30s I'd be like you guys just finish and then we'll get out of here. Like, you know. I'm like, I'm gonna get out of here. I met Jim Norton at a bar. That's crazy. They were sharing it? Yeah, oh yeah, they were going back and forth,

but you know, it was too much. Jim won't share. No, a guy's spit is disgusting to me. Yeah, it's... Really? Yeah, disgusting, a man's spit. Cut, proceed. That's where you draw the line?

All right. All right. No one saw that coming. I like that with a man's foot, by the way. A man has sandals. I'd rather suck a guy's dick than his toes. Yep. I remember, I was, sorry, go ahead. No, I was just, I was just, I appreciate Jim's support.

I went to one of those massage parlors, and then 20 minutes into the massage, I looked down, and there was a dude's foot and women's flip flops. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy.

And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian down, and there was a dude's foot and women's flip-flops. And I looked up, it was just an Asian, old Asian guy, and he went, we were busy. Was that good? So what happened?

Did you leave the bar? All right, so I grabbed my friend, I was like, we gotta get the fuck out of here, and we get out of that bar, and we walk back to America. And uh... The smell of tequila on your cock. Oh yeah. It's like a Simon and Garfunkel song. get out of that bar and we walk back to America and The smell of tequila on your cock And I was like dude you won't believe what I kind of tell her the whole story and at this point I'm fucking hammered like I'm brown I'm not blackout, but I'm coming in and out right and so we get to their days in that we're staying in

And we got two beds. I lay in one she lays in the other and And I like kind of fall asleep and I come to and she's on top of me. Whoa. And then I like kind of fall asleep again. You got raped twice? Well, technically three times. But then she's on top of me, right?

And I come to again and she's like on my dick. And I'm like, oh shit. Inside her? Inside, inside. And I remember this moment, I remember being confused about what happened earlier. I was like, that felt pretty awesome. But then also remembering I hate what's going on right now.

So you're gay. Right, so I, so close because this is what I got. I look at her and I go, I think I'm gay. Oh, sorry. Thanks for ruining that. Sorry, I think I'm gay. Oh, sorry. Thanks for ruining that. Sorry, I stepped on that. I just wanted to call you gay.

But then she goes, why does this always happen to me? Whoa. And my first thought was like, probably because of the rape. But you know, and then she cried, and I cried, and I held her all night long. We drove four hours back to Houston the next day and said no words and I moved out the next day. Wow.

So you guys were buddies? How did you guys know each other? She was my roommate. Whoa. Oh yeah, it was brutal. It was the worst roommate I ever had. See ladies, you guys got it good. You rape someone and they hold you all night.

Doesn't happen with us. I don't understand why you couldn't... Why didn't you just fuck her? Yeah, good point. Yeah, Bob, tell them. I say this to every... You're one of the two old Mexican guys who suck your dick. No, no, no.

Throw your friend to bone, you piece of shit. These were hot twinks. These were fucking hot kids. Oh, all right. I'm sorry. They're not kids, but you know what I mean. At least 18 years old. They were of Mexican age, whichever that is.

I say that to every sexual assault victim I meet. I'm like, just fucking enjoy it, dude. Be cool. They're pleasing you. No, OK. That got weird. Just kidding. Yeah, that woman right there just got really... Did you ever go

back to Mexico? Yeah I've been a couple times. And get his kid. Yeah. From one of those two guys. He's like hey, can you take my brother back? That's wild dude, you got blown. What about glory holes, are those the real? Yep. I've never seen one, but I've always wanted to try. I've made one. If we build the Mexican wall, we should put one in there. Just a bunch of glory holes. Whoever sucks the best dick gets in. It's a very trusting endeavor to put your dick through a hole in a wall like that,

because you don't know if there's a sociopath on the other side. It's a really crazy, it's a very dangerous thing to do. You've done it. Of course. Have you ever? No, no. I feel like a lot of people are worried like what the person looks like on the other side. I'm worried that they would cut my dick off. That's the vulnerable part, right?

Like a baby. Yeah. Yeah. What if it was like an awesome cock and this guy was disgusting? Like a baby. Yeah. Yeah. What if it was like an awesome cock and this guy was disgusting? Would that bother you? No, it'd be like being in a mirror. Bravo. And Jimbo Bravo. So if you had to be on one side of a glory hole, which side would you rather be on?

The side getting your dick sucked or the side sucking the dick? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just, I'm taking poles, I don't know. I'm not saying one way or the other is better. I'm just saying, would you rather put the lipstick on

and suck off that beautiful cock or have some stranger sucking your dick? Can I ask you a question? Yeah. If you put your dick in a glory hole and someone started sucking it, but you weren't going to know who it was, would you be okay with that? Or do you have to know if it's a girl or is it a guy or is it your sister?

I think I'd like to know who it is, I guess. You want to know? Yeah. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a glory hole? Isn't, I guess. You want to know? Yeah. I'd like to know. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a glory hole? Isn't the whole thing like, you don't know? I don't understand the whole, because you have to be like, flat against the, it's not comfy.

That's exactly right. Your fucking face is against wood. Oh, Jim, the other way, the other way. What's that? The other way. What do you mean? You're talking about the guy. Sticking your dick in.

Yeah, me too. Oh. When you stick your dick in. Yeah, me too. Oh. When you stick your dick in. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's not a ledge for you to lean on and look over out of. It's a wall. Every, every. Yeah, I don't want to get blown standing up or against a wall.

That's exactly it. Oh, I thought you were talking about when your face is down there. No, well, that's obvious. But I know if you're getting blown through a hole, your face is against the wall. I would have to have, like you know they have different size shirts? Yeah, I know about that. They would have to have different size,

different size glory hole walls. Sure. You know what I mean? Because the glory hole walls I've seen is like, you know, like the thick plywood. I would have to get like that sanded quarter inch plywood. Just to make it worth it. Or have guy with lips that kind of stretch

and come through to your side. I'd like a glory hole screen door so you can kind of have your face in the netting and you can look down and see. Oh, that's not bad. That's just gay. Just get blown at your fucking summer house. What's the best position to be blown in? Seated, laying, standing? Just get blown at your fucking summer house.

What's the best position to be blown in? Seated, laying, standing? I like to be standing. Really? I'd blow a guy. But my knees get... But your knees start to buckle. I like a buckle.

You like a wobble? Yeah. I don't want a wobble. On black Twitter I hear it's from the back. That's just what I've heard. Milking. Yeah, milking. No,'t want to. On black Twitter, I hear it's from the back. That's just what I've heard. Milking. Yeah, milking. No, no, no.

Yeah, no, like sucking it from the back. Yeah, milking. Is that? That does it. You're a fucking cow. I don't. There's no way any of our dicks reach through the back. Yeah, you're the cow.

Ah, you did it. Yeah. Have you done it? Look at me. You did the cow milk? Come on, have you done it? She's done the cow milk. Nice.

Good for you. You're an honest person. If she doesn't finish, you get blue bells. Yeah, she slaps a blue ribbon on my ass when I'm done. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I prefer to sit, get in the blood, I prefer to sit. Yeah, it's nice. It's just more comfortable and I can play with my nipples. Like I lay down.

Oh, God Almighty. You can sit there, reach down, touch his ass. I like to be on my back. Yeah, back there. Reach down, touch his ass. I like to be on my back. Yeah, that is good. I like back, legs up a little bit. Hold the ankles. Get right here. Stirrups.

And then say, eat my pussy. No, they call it a pussy. That's right. I like to lift my balls and say, eat my pussy. Have you ever said that really? No. Joe, have you ever gotten Have you ever said that really? No. Joe, have you ever gotten your ass eaten? Yeah, of course.

What am I, a fuck, you guys are acting like I'm a, you know, I'm a fucking wild animal, alcoholic piece of shit, yeah. You had a girl eating your butt and you said, eat my pussy? Yes. Me too. Yeah.

I would have never admitted that till right now. No, yeah, That's funny. I actually slapped my own ass once. Oh, you lost me. That's weird. That's weird. We were so into it. I was like, oh, she was like, yeah, you know when you get that fucking passion grind, oh,

you fucking hit that ass. I was all fucking, and then I was like, I want some. And I fucking cracked. I slapped her like that. And she just went, I just remember she turned around. She went, did you slap your own ass? I was like, yeah. My buddy and I, Tom Dustin, we gave an intervention to a stripper, who her move was to slap her ass so fucking hard.

Every time she'd dance, we went to the strip club often, and she would go. And it was like, it was welted up. Like it had purple and yellow. Fuck it. And we sat down, we were like, hey, come over here. And we were like, you don't have to do that. I don't think anyone's really reacting.

Like no one's responding. And it felt like we did an act of service. We were like, nobody's like, if you look, like nobody's like if you look like nobody's like oh And her fucking ass was all Yellow and shit. It literally is the strippers version of saying a lot of crazy shit going on Because all the all strippers have to have a move Right sets them apart and I remember I went to one strip club and it was an older stripper that came out.

She was pretty, but she was older later in the show. And her move was to take Windex and toilet paper and wash all the smudge stains from the other stripper off the glass. Oh. I thought that was so creative. She would just come out and kind of clean it. I think she was just hired to do that.

No, she'd take her tits out and bend over. Oh, all right. Because it was all smudged up from the other floor. If I owned a strip club, I'd be like, oh, yeah, your thing is going to be unclogging the toilet naked. She's like... Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, I've told this story before,

but I also had, we went to Montreal all the time. I'm sure you do the same in Boston. We were underage. You'd drive to Montreal. You could drink and go to strip clubs when you were 18, 19, 20. Super sex. Yes. And so we went up there, and one time we pooled our money to get a double-dong show where

these two women would fuck each other in the back privately. Double-dong show. That's where I got my shit tailored. You weren't here for that. So they would, they fuck each other and then she was like, what's your name? And I was like, I'm Joe. And she was like, oh, oh, I'm Joe. I have small dick.

Look how small my dick is. It was my tailor. She knew you. I was like, what the fuck is this? I don't want that. But I think because the glasses, people think I want to be called small dick. But I'm like, I don't want to be small dick. She's like, oh, I don't feel anything.

Your dick too small. What is she, British? No, they were both Asian. Oh, I see. And I was just like, what? This sucks. You didn't like it. No, I wasn't into it.

I don't want to be called small dick. I got a nice dick. Did she talk regular? No, she didn't. I was like, I don't want to be called small dick. I don't want to be called small dick. I got a nice dick. I was like, I don't want to be called small dick. I was like, I don't want to what? This sucks. You didn't like it. No, I wasn't into it. I don't want to be called small dick. I got a nice dick. Did she talk regular and then do an Asian accent?

Did she go, what's your name, Joe? Oh, what's up? Look at you. You a small dick, a little tiny little volcano. No, that's what they sounded like year round. Ha ha ha ha. Little spring roll. The best strip club I ever went to was the most fucked up one

was in Troy, New York. Oh, I know Troy. Yeah, next to Albany. It's a fucking shithole. Oh, yeah. So me, Billy Burr, Joda Rosa, and I believe Jay were doing a college. Okay.

We did the college, and we're walking around the little shitty town there, and there's like, it looks like an old subway. Yeah. The windows are all blocked up, and we're like, this is something. We open the door, it's a strip club, but kind of on its last legs.

And we walk in, there's just two dudes like this staring at the stage, two girls on the stage. We walk in, they were like pumped. Like, hey! And I go, what's up? And they sat us down and we're hanging out. And then I went up to the guy and I go, right when New York was like no more smoking,

I was like, dude, can we smoke? He goes, fucking. Walked over, he bronx tailed it, locked the door. You can now. Wow. I was like, oh my God. And then he goes yo Gary to the DJ. Let's do it These girls all the sudden the lights not going on Oh, wow these girls have a duffel bag each one of them Oh

Dildos and there was the stage was a pit that you kind of went up and looked in. And so we all went up and they're just in there. And they start doing all this crazy shit they weren't doing. And they're taking dildos and they're putting it. And as they're doing it, the lights are going down, down, down. The music's going down. And it's like, boom, and all of a sudden she's going to put this thing in this other girl and it goes dark. And the guy goes, you want those lights up, start tipping boys.

And we're like, boom the lights go up, motherfucker. And he did that like five times. It was the most crazy, we just went, like a little bit softer now, a little bit, now a little bit louder now. Wow, is this still there? No, it's gone. Fuck.

And then Joe DeRose, right at the end, we had such a great night. It was fucking great. And the guy goes, hey, two for one dances right now. They all went up to get two for one up to the upper VIPs. And Joe's, I stayed down to smoke, because I don't really like strip clubs. Fuck, I don't want to dance. I don't like that shit.

You sound like you hate them. Well, that was fun. But all of a sudden, I see Joe DeRosa, his girl walking down, fucking huffing and puffing. And then Joe's falling or kind of going, what now? No? I couldn't hear him, but you could see his plot. What now?

And then I see the guy fucking arguing, and Joe's like, no, the thing is, I walk over, she danced, I guess it was half of a second song, whatever. He's like, dude, it wasn't two dances, man. You know, man, you said it's two dances. You know, his jazzy fucking, you know, man, I paid for two dances, you gave me one and a half. I just, you know, what's up with that?

And she goes, I did two dances. And he's like, and the guy's like, hey man, they don't grope you. He goes, I didn't say grope. I never said, he's like, if you want them to grope you, then go somewhere else. This is not what they don't grope. He's like, hey, stop saying grope. He's like, you want her to grind you, and that's not,

he's like, I didn't say grind. He starts fighting with the guy. Jesus. Over a fucking half a song. We just saw almost a work of art in a pit with a bag of dildos and a DJ. And this fucking no-sh, the cocksucker, had to ruin the whole night.

We got kicked out. What? Yeah, we had to go. Ah. How much were they dance? $20 for two songs? $20. It was $10.

No, it was $20. $20, yep. Yeah. Greatest night ever, though. Man, I wanted to relive that game in other versions of my life Oh the jerk it off or something. Yeah, have my wife come in just dim the lights What's the really shitty Easter Club in Everett?

King authors King Arthur's It was In every every Massachusetts, oh just just a bunch of chicks with C-sections. Yeah. Yes, well, I saw a fucking wild thing there one time. That strip club, they didn't have like a sneeze guard. They had like a yellow rope, like a high school football game.

Like a little like stringy rope. And this stripper was dancing and this old man reached over and just licked her asshole. Oh! And got off the rail. And they fucking tackled him. They caught him and like tackled him and started beating the shit out of him.

Yeah. She should pay him for that. He went full lick of the asshole. Whoa. Which was bold and beautiful. That's before baby wipes. It was really something, a sight to see. And it felt like that scene in Ocean's Eleven

where like he was trying to escape and we were like rooting for him. We're like, go buddy. And they fucking got him. I assume he's dead. They beat the fuck out of him. Yeah that strip club was in the middle of oil fields like in Everett they have these big oil tankers and they just even the ground is polluted everything the whole area is polluted and in The middle of us is this awful strip club. Maybe that guy was just trying to get some air

air out of her asshole Maybe that guy was just trying to get some air, some clean air out of her asshole. The audience is putting their coats on. Oh, this guy's getting ready to leave. This guy just put his jacket on. That's because he's getting a hard on from all the stripper talk. See, what do, oh, sorry.

What do women do when they get all horned up? You don't want to go to strip clubs, ladies. What do you guys do? They fuck guys. Really? Yeah, they just meet a guy and go, I'm gonna fuck you, and then you're fuck guys. Really? Yeah, they just meet a guy and go, I'm going to fuck you, and then you're going to leave. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. That's so nice. Man. I wish I could just fuck a guy any time I wanted to. No, no. It's not that nice to happen. That's not what we're talking about.

Jim, how do you do it? In that suit, for sure. I don't, how do I, what? I don't know what you're asking me. It was a joke. It was a joke about you fucking dudes. Oh, I don't fuck dudes. I'm not gay

I'm like put a dress on I'm getting out of here. I'm gonna queer Sorry I zoned out for a second. It's all right Yeah, you were gonna say something. I don't remember what it was I just don't doubt it must be weird now though cuz I, we grew up, me and Jim grew up where you, you know, had to meet a girl, talk to her, see her a bunch of times, take her on a date, you know, and then you know, first base, second base, third base. Now there's apps that you can just tell, I want this or I don't want that, swipe, meet, fuck, leave.

I mean, it's weird. We also grew up that way. We're not like 50 years apart. I never had an app. I had no app. The apps came after I was, no. Zero app play. I feel like I could do well now with the suit and the money.

The apps are a wasteland. You don't want the apps. That's a fucking nightmare. They're fun at first. No app? You can have a good time on the app. I deletedeland. You don't want the apps. It's a fucking nightmare. They're fun at first. No app? You can have a good time on the app. I deleted all. I can't do the apps.

But you had a good run. Yeah, you know. You got a Mexican kid out of it. I got a couple chlamydia's out of it too. Wow. You can get that without the app. I got crabs twice from the same redhead. Yeah.

That's kind of on you though. It's the same person. I have herpes without the app. Imagine what I could do with an app. Like a cure it. Good point. I bet you there's a whole app for herpes dating. There is. There's gotta be. It's called herpes. I swear to God, look it up. Is that right? Oh yeah. I gave my wife to pass away. What's wrong with you? I'm just kidding. I've done terribly on the apps.

I was on the apps for a little while, Bumble and Hinge and Raya. I did fucking- Grindr, don't forget Grindr. I did meet trans girls, yeah. When I won and my girlfriend and I had broken up and I was so depressed I just cried on the whole date and I left. Is there a trans app? Like a transatlantic or?

No. They're all hookers on those apps. Yeah, I didn't do well at all on the apps. All right, trans-a- You cried with a hooker? No, she was just a regular girl and I met and we went out and I was just depressed. Trans girl?

Yeah. And you cried? Well, not, I left the date early, I was depressed. Did she tell you to leave? No, but she didn't want to see me again. I was like, you want to get together again? And she's like, no, I'd rather not. No, daddy, you a queer.

Yeah, I did terrible on the apps. No success. The app seems nice, because what's the one, Tinder, is that the one that tells you like 11 feet away? Yeah. Oh, do they do that? No, you're thinking of Grindr. That's totally Grindr.

That's Grindr. Oh, have I had Grindr? I was with Kevin Meaney in Aruba, and he was on Grindr. And, if I'm on Grindr? I was with Kevin Meany in Aruba and he was on Grindr. And it said on his app, there's a gay guy a foot away from me. Yes. That's a great app if you're homophobic. I want to just make sure there's no fucking gays around me. It's like Ghostbuster.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I'm like, you gotta charge your battery. That thing's a piece of shit. I don't know. I don't know anything about it. I'm saying, I'm acting out him saying,

there's a gay person, I'm saying, you gotta change the battery, because I'm not gay, was the joke. Nothing worse than when you're in character and someone goes, what's that? Sorry. Yeah. Yeah.

But anyways, he was gay and he's dead. Yep. That's sad. Rest in peace. Yes. Yes, absolutely. He died? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Big time. I'm kidding. I know that. Great guy. Yeah, that's a sad way to go to. I mean, it's a good way to go because you went in your sleep. But he came out of the closet, did this whole life.

Everybody was cool with him, had success, and got in shape, lost all that weight, and then, I mean, honest to God, it's like that fear I have, like I lost all the weight too, that I'm just gonna, it would suck to just go on the couch. Because you're there, you fucking did it, you worked so hard, he's doing great, back at the cellar, and then you're just gone.

That's a, your heart just gives out. Good for him because he didn't know, but fucked up. Yeah. Yep. And now there's a documentary about We Are the World. That was his big bet. He could have brought it back. I mean, he never stopped doing it.

Sure. It would be hitting. That was a hit or miss, though. I middled for him somewhere. He bombed or killed and didn't when he was bombing Didn't act like he was bombing with that man. Yeah, just fucking it's you know you have he had that energy And he's done and the crowd was like this much like as I'm telling this story right now Well, you made everybody sad. It was such a fun time

Yeah, and Kevin he finally found his life, and then he just, he died. I gotta add some fucking type of realness. We were talking about gay shit for an hour and a half. These girls are like, all right, we get it. Yeah, let's pep them up with a little death talk. Is there any app that you can be like? Oh, shit. Oh, no.

Those are Kevin Meany fans. No, he just turned his app on with somebody in the bathroom. You got to be on Uber Eats. All right. I hope you get AIDS. I will. It's coming. Yep.

Is there an app though that you can get where you can say there's a girl, like you know, a girl right there a couple feet away that wants to hook up? No. And you know why? There's not? Because of men like you, you fucking psycho. No! I wish there was. He's got his fucking psycho. No, I wish there was.

He's got his own app. It's a registered sex offender. Yeah. Those are no joke. They show your neighborhood. Yep. It's like red dots everywhere. Oh, right.

Well, you can see where the offenders are. Yeah. I bet if we hit the Gramercy Theater right now, that thing would explode. Did somebody just open up a Fresca? I got good ears. What was that? What are you, Daredevil?

No, I'm Devil Dog. Who's Devil Dog? Cake. It's like a yodel. They were terrible cakes too, by the way. They were like little, like little, kind of like little cylinder shaped cakes with very little cream. They were terrible, terrible treats by the way. They were like little, like little, kind of like little cylinder shaped cakes with very little cream.

They were terrible, terrible treats. Devil's dog's the worst because it was the driest thing ever. If you didn't have milk, you could die. Yeah. But- So Bobby made his own milk. Uh huh.

Uh huh. Uh, a Yoohoo and a HoHo. Oh yeah. That's the creme de la fucking creme. Yeah, HoHo is the worst. That thing was moist and delicious. God damn it, I could eat all the, Sousa Q was like, holy shit,

that was two big moist cakes with the cream. Ringdings were great too. I'm a yodel guy. Yodel is like a dick. A yodel, a yoodle, and a ringding, all the same thing basically. We've been talking about pussy for an hour and a half. This is the most exciting thing.

I miss it. I really miss it. You're not doing the cakes? I can't. What? I was 350 pounds, dude. I remember. But now I can't have a fucking view who are drinking.

Good for you for holding out. I'm not holding out. I mean, thank you, brother. Yeah., but I'm not holding out. Yeah. Thank you, guys. Yeah, it's like him with hookers. Yeah, I mean, he's married. I'm fucking lost the weight. Yeah, things change. Joe's gay.

My uncle lost a lot of weight, hundreds of pounds. He was in the same ship you were. He lost a lot of weight. Who's this? My uncle. He was finally so happy ship you were he lost a lot of weight. Who's this my uncle? He was finally so happy and he died We are the world How do you lose it I don't know I think just exercise or might he might not cancer cancer

There you go, yeah, we're all gonna die that sucks. Yeah, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. There you go. Yeah, we're all going to die. That sucks. Yeah, that's inevitable. Yeah. That's the way you got to live, damn it. Get on Grindr. Any gays here?

That was a lady. Hey, all right. Yeah, we don't count those. That doesn't count. Ladies are gay. Yeah, but they're fun. Yeah. We don't like gay ladies. Those are too normal. We want a nice gay guy. You're telling me the guy... You're telling me the guys in the

tank tops aren't gay? That's insane. You guys are gay right? Yeah you gotta be. Oh yeah. There's no fucking way. They're wrestling brothers. They're the Bushwhackers. Yeah. They're so gay they're cold. Yes. You look like a gay Shane Gillis. So you look like Shane Gillis. You look like an extra in Cruising. Are you guys gay or no? There's other gay guys in the back who know what that movie is.

Oh, he's gay. Oh, okay. He's gay? Nice. And you're not gay? Yes. Oh. You're gay by association. The matching shirt really gives it away.

Yeah. How does it feel to be gay now where gay, nobody cares? You know what I mean? Like it's not, yeah, but nobody cares. You're just gay and we don't give a shit. What's up, dude? Right? Do you guys, do you miss the days when gay was dangerous?

Yeah. Like you had to wear that shit, put a coat on, look around, be like... Hey! It does feel like you get extra hard for the excitement. Yeah. We might get caught. Yeah, gay guys were like, like, oh my god, it was almost... That's a gay guy.

Now it's just like, what's up, Greg? Yeah. Bob is basically saying, don't you just hate living a comfortable life? Do you miss the days of running to the car while guys chase you with sticks? No, not that far back there.

Don't you miss the excitement, dude, of not knowing that you're going to live through the night? Don't you miss the Reagan years? Yeah. Don't you miss the Reagan years? Don't you miss? The aides getting pulled behind a truck. Yeah. Was that gay? That's what they did to the gays back then.

Allegedly. It was so mysterious back then. Yeah. And now it's kind of boring. Now you've got to compete with trans. Yeah, right doesn't help the career though Really? No funny if you just did that for your career Yeah, you're a completely straight jerk from Jersey and you realize that like yeah We've just lived together as roommates the whole time and have intervened seen her dick

It's not the case. Happily married. You go to the parade? Oh, nice. Now is it true some gay... I mean, I do too. Hey, if you don't want me to ask... The whole thing, the Richard Gere thing.

Not that. I know that happened. Is it true, like some gay guys don't take it in the butt? Some guys do, right? And it's not like, you have to get fucked in the butt, right? Some guys just kiss. I had a roommate that just snuggled. That's gay.

You literally saw that. That's how he tricked me into fucking me in the ass. I always thought it was wild. I had a gay roommate and he would be like, I'm not eating today because I got a date in two days. Oh yeah. It's going to fuck me in the ass. And I was like, oh yeah.

So you just starve yourself for two days? I would never get laid. Makes you wonder, what do gay guys in India do? I mean, that's a mess back there. You don't want to fucking meet a guy you really like and then look down and there's lettuce on the tip of his cock. Well that can happen.

If you're fucking a girl that happens. Well we're talking about the burrito bowl. Yeah. The back door. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The guy's fucked you in the butt and pulled out a hunk of Chipotle on his dick because you didn't clean your butt enough,

you piece of shit. Chipotle's really hitting close to home for me. Yeah, we like Chipotle on his dick because you didn't clean your butt enough, you piece of shit. Chipotle's really hitting close to home for me. Yeah, we like Chipotle. Sorry. I had four days in a row. Do you know somebody gave me a Chipotle car for you and I never gave it to you? What? That's really mean.

You fat bastard, you kept it. I needed it at the time. All right. I banged a gal years and years ago and I pulled out and there was a lot of... Stuff on the... Goop? Yeah, yeah. Boom, boom.

Pooh. Yeah. I've told this story on the podcast before, but I had anal sex with a person and I pulled it out and there was a bit of schmooge and there was a little seed, like a Burger King bun seed. The sesame Burger King bun seed. Or the sesame seed. Sesame, first of all, that's McDonald's. Oh, it's nice.

And then I flicked it like that. I was like, ah! And it hit the wall and fucking dripped down the wall. Like it went like, sssss. And it came down. And she was mad. She was like, fucking, what are you doing? And I was like, I wanted it off my dick.

And she's like, I don't want it on my wall. And I was like, well, you can get a sponge. I see a seed on my dick, I get it off my dick. She's like, I don't want it on my wall. And I was like, well, you can get a sponge and... I see a seed on my dick, I get it off. Yeah, that's a good way of life. Your father brought you up correct. Well, if you leave it on there, you can grow a new dick. That's true. That's not true.

No, as far as butt remnants, a sesame seed ain't bad. Yeah. I've had a whole turd fall out and I was like, oh. Whoa! It's like a nudge, just like that. As far as butt remnants, a sesame seed ain't bad. Yeah. Yeah. I've had a whole turd fall out and I was like, whoop. Whoa. It was like a nudge, just like that. Did you fuck your grandmother? I just moved it like, you know, when you saw your kid be born, you know, all those women,

they shit, and the doctor's just like, whoop, and they just toss it like it didn't happen. Really? I just did the same thing. Yeah, I saw that when my wife gave birth. A fucking tree trunk came out of her butt. And I was like, I'll never fuck you ever again in your life. Oh my good. I had no tree trunk.

You didn't see it at all? No, well, we had a C-section. So it was a big sheet. There was no, they pulled it down. You saw a liver. You saw blood and shit. Yeah, it was just a pancreas. That's worse.

Oh, shit. I had a girl on my face. I was going down on her, and she was she was gonna like it was just to be fun, but She was trying to fart in my face It's not as bad as you think She didn't show me she was going to fart and she pushed and she shot monistat 7 out of her vag All this white stuff shot. Oh, wow, I got the Lofasaurus. Yeah.

Oh, wow. She says, so what happened? I just took a shower and that was the end of that session. Well, that's the nice thing about all this. You have to walk to the bathroom like this. It was humiliating for both of us. It was embarrassing. Are they supposed to be fucking with monistat?

That's the whole. Yeah, that's probably a great point. Okay, thank you. We got a ruling over here. Are you not? For those of us who don't know, monistat seven is what now? Oh, yeast. It's a yeast infection, yeah.

So what is monistat one? It's weird. They sell, they sell like, there's like monistat one through five and they're like one is the most expensive It's basically how fast you want to get rid of it like they give you an option They're like a monestat six. That's 20 bucks. If you want to go to one where only takes one day. Well, that's 75 Yeah, it's just like one. Why would you fucking do that? I don't know seven is for a week monestat seven days Yeah, rid of it. Oh.

Plus he lives like Snoop Dogg's corner of his mouth. Am I right? Am I right? I'm kind of right. Thanks for coming. We have women coaches down here. I appreciate it. Sweet Asia for support.

There's a lot of women here tonight. A lot of pretty- You think? I see four. People thought it was pretty women. Yeah, a lot of beautiful ladies. I thought it was going to be a bunch of women looking like me. Three.

We like Mark. I think I see under... Oh, maybe there's double digits. Okay. I thought it was going to be a bunch of women looking like me. We like Mark. I think I see under, oh maybe there's double digits, okay. I see five. Does anybody, we got to wrap up soon. Does anybody have any questions? We'd like to take some questions if anyone's interested. Where's Nick?

Oh yeah, the TMZ thing. That's a long story. I'll give you the short version. This company called me up and said, we want to go viral. We see a lot of comedians going viral. And they said, you want to do that? And I was like, ah, it doesn't really sound like my cup. And then they said, this is how much we'll give you. And I said, I'll wear blackface. Was it a thousand? Very low.

And I just said, I'll just do a show and whatever. And they said, well, something crazy is going to happen. We're not going to tell you what. And I said, all right, great. Maybe I'll get a clip out of it. I'll riff on it. So I do like a 45-minute set. It's sold out at the New York Comedy Club.

Some guy walks on stage. They got cameras everywhere, a huge production. And guy walked on stage. I riff on him a little bit, and then a bouncer comes up and goes, get off, get off, and he pulls me off. And then a lady was filming in the front row with a cell phone, and all you see is a guy on stage

and me getting pulled off, and she put that on the internet. So that went viral. Not even their shit. They didn't even have time to put their shit up, so they wasted millions of dollars. So then I got a million calls, everybody's like, is this a Chris Rock thing, a slap, is this a Dave Chappelle tackle? I was like, it's more of a Jussie Smollett, really.

Because that's the thing, you never go viral, you can't really try to go viral. You never go viral for what you think you're gonna go for. Remember the guy, the guy who swam in the, yeah, yeah, that too, the guy who swam in the yeah yeah that too the guy who swam in the Bass Pro Shop pool naked he he tried to go viral but he didn't go viral because he swam naked he went viral because he had no dick remember that guy so yeah that was it and then I did a set and I ran out of there and

then it went online and that was it so nothing too crazy the guy blew it a little bit too because it looked pretty real but I remember thinking it was a bit because the guy, when the guy said the audience had to leave, the woman was really good and then the guy goes, yeah, I'm going to need you all to leave. Yes. And I'm like, that's not the way a guy would tell people if something weird happened like that. You wouldn't say that. There was something about the way he said it that just told me it was, but your part was very convincing and so was the woman. Because I was actually confused.

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know what was going on. Trust me, I understand that feeling. I just thought it was weird that they escorted you towards the thing that happened. That's a weird thing that you would do. Yeah, it was weird. If you're like, oh God, crazy people ran off this way.

Grab Mark and bring him out this way. They would be like, go that way. Everybody else, stay here. Yeah. That was weird. It's like, you guys die, let's get him to safety. Yeah, yeah. The whole thing sucked, but I was struggling for tickets at the Beacon and that sold it

out. So it works. I'm going to let a chick shit on my chest with Monistat 7 and videotape it. Yeah, any takers? Get her the one. so the thing that went viral wasn't even the thing no Wow, so they were lucky somebody filmed it cuz it all worked out anyway That's all water under the bridge. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah good time. What a career You know your friends are getting SNL and you're like the guy with the fake bomb threat How do you think it feels to be the Monastat 7 guy? How does it feel to want to be the Monastat 7 guy?

Any other questions? Oh, right here. What's with the electric cars? Oh, that's getting fucking started. Oh, God. That's gonna fucking start it. Oh, God. Every time he fucking talks about it on his podcast, I get a message like, you fucking faggot, I can't believe you. And I'm like, dude, I'm getting harassed. I got a fucking Tesla Long Range.

It's not that fucking crazy. Suck my dick. I hate this. I hate this. You got a charge. Take it and put it in your friend's mouth. Whatever. And let it charge there overnight. You gotta charge. You gotta charge. Every time you get stuck in it, take it and put it in your friend's mouth. Yeah. Yeah. And let it charge there overnight. Negative tubby chicken.

I charge it enough. We'll see what happens then. How come you guys keep getting stuck on the side of the road? We didn't get stuck. It's a podcast. He's making it funny. No, no. We got stuck.

We got stuck in Dubuque, Illinois. That wasn't... We rented a car. That was a whole different thing. That's not a Tesla. That was an EV. That was an EV, but that was like a Chevy Spark and that's trash. That's an EV. It's an EV. No, it's not the same. It's not the same. But that shit's got like a hundred mile range. It's not the same. But we did get stuck in fucking Roseville, Illinois or Rochelle. Rochelle, Rochelle. Yeah. Made a long journey from Milan to Minsk.

Rochelle. So here's what happened. This quiff rented an EV. Not on purpose. Remember there was a crazy storm. You were late by a day. Yep. Like we missed a bunch of shows.

There's a fucking ice storm. And so all these cars and all these flights were canceled. And there were two options. It was like a fucking F350 or an EV. I was like, let's just get an EV. F350, gas, we're driving like 300 miles. How about you get a big truck that can go through a storm in a storm.

Get a little tiny car that might not make it. Yeah, you got like a Chevy Milker. It was a Chevy Spark. It was the fucking worst thing. Let's get something that needs the sun. Yeah, that was bad. It was brutal. But a Spark isn't even an electric car, is it?

It is an electric car, but it's like a city electric. I've never driven one before. It's a city car. But I had two options, and it seemed better than the fucking. Fuck that. It's not fracking drill. Let's get this shit going.

At least with a Tesla, there's Tesla ports everywhere. These are, as a Spark, it's like a random, they don't fit anything. So we get this car, it's like a random, they don't fit anything, you know? So, uh, we get this car, we run out of juice, we have to pull over, we find a fucking thing, and then it, we gave it like an hour and it went up 1%. We're not making it to the show. So we're not gonna make it, it's like a five hour drive. To a gig?

To a gig, yeah, from where we were. And then he, randomly, you save the day, you go, I think I know a guy who grew up here. We call him, the guy's like, oh, I got out of that town 20 years ago, but my grandmother still lives there. Maybe you can use her car. Every time you blew me in Mexico and then passed my dick into your friend's mouth,

I need that favor. So now we have to park the car. We go to this guy's grandmother's house in an old folks home. You heard the story. And then while we're there, she's like on a respirator. She's like, she's like, full hunched over, like not moving. And she's like, can you fix my craftmatic bed?

And we're like, okay. So now we're on our hands and knees hung over, you know, cranking away at this big metal apparatus. And she's, you know, like know like I you missed a spot or whatever and then we get her Ford escape and got the fuck out of there yeah we made it we made it we made it but no more EVs god damn it yeah actually we did the show we couldn't check in the hotel cuz this fucking idiot leaves his wallet in the EV so we can't check in the hotel so we got if we drive there we do the show we have to drive all

the way back we get to drive all the way back, we get to the car, it's still not charged enough to get back home. Yeah, it was a nightmare. Fuck EVs. It's the worst. Next question. The Tesla works, but stop messaging me.

Yeah. Fuck you guys. Keep messaging. All right, what else you got? I got a question. What do you got there, Fetty? I got a question. This is for Gordon. Yeah. Uh-oh. Whoo!

Gay. Are you asking me if I prefer New Jersey pizza or New York pizza? That's a question for me. You should ask him about New Jersey She-mails or New York She-mails. Is that the question for me, New Jersey pizza or? These guys have all these challenging, fun questions. And I'm like, you prefer prefer pork roll or scrapple? Ah.

Was it hoda? Come on, man. Come on. What is it, Jim? We've been dying. We all came here to hear. Is there better pizza here or right over there? It's funny you should ask.

Honestly, I have a really great story. My cousin owned a pizzeria in New Jersey, and I would always go there when I was younger, and he said, this is better than New York pizza. And he argued with a guy, and they took me over, and we got New York pizza. And I actually preferred the Jersey pizza. And my cousin died of leukemia. I made that whole story up.

I don't know anybody who owns a pizzeria. You should work for worstquestionsever.com. Tacos, Houston or San Antonio? What are you thinking? As long as they're Mexican. What do you got over in the front? Front row there. What's your favorite street joke? Oh, street jokes are classic.

Hit me, baby. These are going to be tough in public. All right, ready? This is my favorite street joke ever. This is going on YouTube at some point. I just want to. Yeah, I'm not Louis J. Gomez. All right.

Yeah. There's three guys die and go to heaven. They get to the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter's waiting at the gates. He's like, we're full. I can't take all of you. I'll take one of you. Whoever died the most violent death, I'll take into heaven.

I'll hear stories one by one. I'll make my decision at the end. They're like fine. They go into the St. Peter's office, the first guy. He's like all right, I come home from work, working hard all day. I go into the apartment, there's candles lit, romantic music playing.

I know she's in there with somebody. So I go into the shower. I rip the curtain, she's by herself, but I know he's still there. I check under the bed, I check the closet. know he's still there. I check under the bed I check the closet I go to the kitchen I check I check all the cabinets then all of a sudden there He is I see him hanging off my balcony, so I go over there. I stopped punching his hands He won't fall I kick his hands. You won't fall. I get a hammer. I smash his hands. He still won't fall

Finally I punch it with a hammer, and he off the balcony, lands in the bushes, I think he's dead, he's still alive. I go, I get the fridge and I throw the fridge off the balcony on him, boom, I kill him. I'm so distraught from this, I take a shotgun, I blow my brains out, here I am. St. Peter's like, wow, that's pretty rough. He goes, let me hear the next guy. The next guy comes in, he goes, okay, I'm in my apartment on my exercise bike. The curtain gets stuck in my wheel.

I go flying off my balcony, grab onto the guy's balcony beneath me. This lunatic comes out, starts punching my hands, kicking my, gets a hammer, smash, I fall in the bush. I think I'm dead, I'm still alive. I look up, this maniac throws a fridge on my head. Here I am. St. Peter's like, all right, geez, let me hear the last guy.

Last guy comes in, he goes, all right, I'm naked in the fridge. That's a good joke. Wow. I've never heard that one. That's great. Good street joke. I mean, it's going to be tough to beat that.

I just had a, what do you call it, black pilot. What? That's on YouTube. I can't do it. Jim? I don't have, I think I can guess the ending of that one. Yeah. Yeah, I don't really have any of those good street jokes. I used to do one, this is in 1990 when I started, but I haven't done it in 30 years.

Oh, this is your bit? No, it was a joke joke, a street joke, but I would open with one, it's not a great joke, it was, all right, Superman is flying around one time and he looks down on the beach and he sees Wonder Woman with her legs wide open. And he goes, this is great. So he's flying and he just flies down really fast

and he fucks her really hard and he flies away. And Wonder Woman says, what was that? And the invisible man gets up and goes, I don't know, but my asshole is killing me. Classic, classic. That's a good one. I like that one. I like the waiter at the Jewish restaurant.

He walks over and says, is anything okay? That's a caper. Clean. I mean, it's clean. It's anti-Semitic, but it's clean. It's not exactly what you're doing on the financial. I got one for the gay guys. Hit the gays.

There's two gay guys, and one comes in the limer and is like, oh, fuck. oh my god. And he's like, what's wrong honey? My ass is killing me. I was like, what's wrong? I don't know. Something hurts really bad. He goes, let me look.

And so he bends over and he looks and he says, I don't see anything. It seems fine. It's hurting. Please just look in. Just see if there's something happening. He's like, baby, I'm looking, there's nothing. It's fine. Look deeper. And he looks a little deeper and he's like, there's nothing, you're fine. Go deeper. And he goes, oh my God. What? What? I see a watch. He goes, happy birthday to you.

Wow, that was a beautiful, happy ending romantic tale. That's like the, there's the gay couple trying to spice it up sexually, and the guy says, let's play a game. He goes, okay, I'll hide. If you find me, I'll blow you. The guy goes, great. He goes, okay, I'll be behind the couch.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Can you please tell the, this is the hardest I've ever laughed on this podcast, the gay shower joke. Which is funny. Yeah, for old times sake. They've heard it and they've heard it twice because the joke I told, you've laughed hard, you've never laughed hard ever and then someone else realized I told the same joke eight years

earlier on the podcast. Well, it's new to me every time. You gotta do it for the- All right, well for the third time in Tuesdays with stories history And you guys know the joke. I'm sure there's two gay guys Two gay men fucking in the shower, they're in the shower He's fucking him in the ass and the phone rings and he goes I gotta go take this phone call And he's like no keep fucking me he goes well. It could be my mother. I'm waiting on this golf my mother

She's sick, and he goes alright. all right, I'll be right back. And he says, but whatever you do, don't come until I get back. And the guy says, you got it. I love you. He goes. He talks to his mother for a few minutes. He comes back, and there's just cum all over the walls,

the fucking, the sheets. What do you call it? The shower curtain, the toilet. And he goes, what the fuck? I told you not to cum the shower curtain, the toilet, and he goes, what the fuck, I told you not to come. He goes, I didn't, I farted. That was for you, homo. Yeah. All right, well maybe we'll... We gotta leave. We gotta go. We're almost at two hours. One final question. We should have closed on that. This guy has a question. Duncan Trussell has a question.

What's there to do trans? I think transvestite is just clothing. I think transvestite is like what you're not supposed to call them anymore. Like that's what a shitty way to call them now and now it's right. Transvestite is a guy, someone who lives lives as a guy just is more fetish oriented dressing somebody transgender somebody who's like usually been diagnosed or you know is taking in on hormone therapy and lives as a woman or as a trans but transvestite is a someone who is lives as a man and Is just dressing up in the face. Also like an old turrets out. I think that's no good No, no, it's not if you're a transvestite. It's not yeah an old tur- that's out. I think that's no good. No, no, not if you're a transvestite, it's not. Yeah, really?

Yeah, the transvestite is different. I'm not a transvestite, I'm just like a slur now. No, you're like a she-male, you can't use she-male anymore, right? Yeah, unless you're porn search, it's great. That's true. All right, well, we really closed up again on the bottom of that. Is that it? Is that it?

We're at the point where the audience is saying goodbye. Yeah. One more? How cute is this kid? What do you right? We're at the point where the audience is saying goodbye. Yeah. The audience. One more? How cute is this kid? What do you got? I got a kid. Am I gonna have a kid?

Oh, I don't know. Wait a minute, stop. With your wife. Ah, I don't know. Unlike Alec Baldwin, I shoot blanks. No. Um, I've tried and nothing's cooking. So maybe she's poison.

Takes a while. Takes a while. It took two years. Two years. I went, it's so funny, she had me go get my Jizz checked and in New York, like hospitals. Why couldn't you do it? I tried, I just tasted the same.

But you have to go, like it's a brownstone. The doctors are on the street and it's a brownstone. So I went in and I didn't know. I was like, yeah, I'm here to get my sperm checked. And she was like, what? I go, I got to get my sperm checked to see if it's OK. She's like, honey, you're in the wrong place. I was in a pediatrics. Ha, like, honey, you're in the wrong place. I was in a pediatrics.

Ha ha ha ha. No wonder you came so quick. And your dick was still the smallest one on the ward. She goes, you want next door. So I went next door and there was this older kind of fat black woman. She was kind of annoyed too. I was like, hey, I'm here. She was kind of annoyed too. I was like, hey, I'm here.

She's like, all right, let's go. She takes me upstairs. There's room one and room two. Somebody's in room two. She brings me into room one and she goes, all right, there's videos, there's magazines. You do your stuff, put it in this. When you're done, bring this down, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So I'm just like, all right. So then I go, I can't do a magazine anymore. I need a video. There was one video and it was fat black chicks, fuck. Perfect. But I was just like, I don't want this. I want house moms or maybe your sister. You know what I mean? I just didn't want, so I brought it down to the lady. like house moms or you know, maybe your sister.

You know what I mean? I just didn't want to, so I brought it down to the lady and I'm go, do you have any other, like I'm not into this, but I looked at the thing and it's just her. No! I'm really not into this, she was like, I was like, no, I'll fucking, I'll come to this.

I love people like fat black women, older black women is my thing. It took me 20 minutes, but it takes a while. Took two years to finally get it. Because, you wanna hear a weird story? Sure. This happened. We were doing everything.

She was calling me, she had an app, you gotta be home tonight, I had to cancel spots at the cellar. You need to, I'm ovulating between this time and this time. And she drank like cough syrup and I had fucking, you know, voodoo and chicken bones on her pussy and dream catches over a snatch at night. We did everything. And then I went home and I was like, you know what?

Let's just fuck, Can we just fuck? I just wanna fuck and not try to make a baby. So we're fucking and we're having fun again laughing. I kinda tickled her at one point. I'm like, what are you doing? I'm like, who cares? I just wanna fucking fuck and giggle. Did you slap your own ass?

Not that bad. So we go to sleep. I wake up, her mother is holding her and looking at me like this, angry, just like that. And I literally got, I woke up, I was like, oh my god, I turned this way and I just was panicking, like what the fuck did I do? And I just, I fell back asleep. Her mother was dead for two years. Wait, what? Her mother was holding her like this, rubbing her belly,

looking at me like, you fucking fat piece of shit. Can't get my daughter. Angry. I swear to God, I saw her mother holding her that night. Is that how you came? Yeah. That's the show, folks. Thanks a lot.

You guys were great. We did it. Jim Norton, low head. Bobby Kelly. Andrew Youngblood. Tuesdays with stories. Thanks, everybody. Thank you.

You guys are the best. Praise Allah. Comedy. Go buddy!