Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #100 Lightning Crotch, Health Anxiety And Perinatal Depression: Tara Pavlovic

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

Tara Pavlovic is a stay-at-home mum who tells you exactly how it is.  Before Tara became a mum, she was looking for love from Matty J on The Bachelor in 2017 (we all know how that turned out!).  She's since found herself a husband and shares her life's raw ups and downs with other mums.  Tara chats about dealing with lightning crotch, Edi-Rae's health scare, how that affected her as a mum and how she and her husband saved their relationship.  If you or someone you know is struggling, be sure to contact Lifeline at 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636. Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Matt. Ashton. Our next guest is someone that you are familiar with. Good friend of mine. Do you recall the first time you met Tara? Yes, it was a long time ago going back. I can't remember if it was seven, maybe it was eight years. I think actually I think it is eight years this year

that I was standing at the end of a red carpet on a TV show called The Bachelor as Tara Pavlovich walked towards me. And I thought, I can't wait to start a podcast and have her back on. She did go home crying that day. But anyway, we have her here. And I do want to ask her about this little thing called Lightning Crotch. Lightning Crotch.

I mean, some people may know what it is. We have no idea, but she has a very interesting parenting journey that takes a lot of twists and turns, including the lightning crotch. Broncholitis? Broncholitis, sounds like a dinosaur. Sounds like we made that up. But it's a lot more serious than that.

We also talk about her mental health, Matthew, because we all know how hard it is to be a new parent. Yeah, how she's overcome those struggles and what role drumming has had in helping her through her struggles. Yes, she tears up the drum kid. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads and One Doting Mum. I'm Matty J. I'm Ash. And I am Tara Pavlovich-Shepardson.

I don't know how else to introduce myself except my name. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. And today all the advice will be given from none other than Tara No pressure Good luck with my advice. We'll take it. We'll take how was the morning scheduled today? Taz how were the kids heading off to daycare daycare drop-off was

Pretty crap today. Edie ray cried. She's been off all last week and then taking her back today was just so sad. It breaks me. And when they do have a long stint off they're kind of like, this is my new life. I don't go to Kindy anymore. Yeah and I'm like, no this is not your new life. You go to Kindy. I'm like, go. She has the best time. I don't know why she'd want to be here with me. Like they do so much stuff there. Like just go and have a good time don't cry please. Normally with our guests we like to go back to to the early days of your life and we can only assume that a young Tara was someone who was very well behaved, very disciplined, just a pleasant young lady to be around. Would that be correct? Yeah absolutely correct. You know what that was correct? Yeah. Just pulling faces I can see already. Yeah, absolutely correct. You know what, that was correct up until maybe like, maybe year nine and then it just turned

and everything went south from there. Teenage Tara was pretty loose, like pretty loose. I ended up moving to Sydney with my dad who had an apartment in Piermont so King's Cross became like my second home. And it was like every weekend. It was just the best time ever. Really loved to party. Like really loved to party.

But you know what? I think it's a good thing when you get it out of your system at an early age. I think it's those people that never got to experience it. They get to like their twenties after like school and that's where they go a little bit crazy. So the earlier, I think the better. Unless you never come out of it. We know some people who are stuck in it. I'm like, no, you got to get out of that. It's not, it's not suiting you when you're like 40 plus. Yeah. I think it was good to get

it out of the system. Definitely passed the stage I was at prior to having kids. I'm like, how do you even survive? I would die. Yeah, hangover with a couple of kids is not fun. Oh, shoot me in the face, honestly. So when do you reckon that phase of your life, when you're living in Piermont and Kings Cross was your playground, when did you start to come out of that, do you think?

I think when I went on bachelor actually. So when was that? 2017. I didn't even have a house at that point because I packed up my Sydney house and moved here. And I feel like that started the wildness again because it was like Gold Coast party fun, you know, at a slight pavilion, like bar hopping around Burley,

like just living the life, eating out every weekend. like bar-hoffing around Burley, like just living the life, eating out every weekend and then, you know, that lunch would turn into a party. And it wasn't until I had kids that I really settled down, I reckon, well, obviously pregnancy, pregnancy, made me settle down. Yeah. You'd hope so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Did you always want to have kids? Was that something in the back of your mind then? Yeah, I always worked in childcare and as a nanny, so I was always with kids and always looking after kids and I always knew it was something that I really wanted to do. I'm like, I nailed this. Like, how good am I? I'd be the best mom.

Then I became a mom and I was like, what the fuck? I'm not that good. It's very different when they're yours. Yeah, it's very different when you get like a full night's sleep and like a weekend to yourself and like downtime and you don't have to like make your own decisions. I always think about that with my kids.

People like, okay, lucky if I get a babysitter, they're like, okay, well, what about, what do we do with her day nap? And I'm like, I don't know. Can someone just tell me, please? Cause someone used to tell me. Now I have to make the decisions and I don't know what to do. I always thought being a nanny or working in childcare, like it could be a double edged sword. On the one hand, you can be like, oh my God, kids are amazing.

But then at the same time, you can get a taste of just how absolutely fucking awful children can be because you don't have that, like, that loving connection like you did with your own kids. Yeah, it see, I found the parents a little bit harder to deal with than the kids. The parents were usually the issue. There were just some like absolute lunatics and you just like, oh my god. So you kind of get why the kids are a little bit unhinged. But the kids never scared me too much because I feel like they still have such an innocence about them and like there are some naughty ones. Yeah, but you kind of always put it back down to their parents because generally

You know something's just a little bit off in their life and they're just playing up and you kind of feel sorry for them A little bit so you never think you never think going to be that kid. Like before you have kids. What makes a bad parent? Cause sometimes we have a nanny and I'm like, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, I don't want to be one of those nightmare parents. Like, do you prefer parents who are like, okay, this is a schedule for every half an hour of the evening to follow, or do you prefer when someone just says, Hey, look, there's the kids, there's the fridge.

Just throws you the case of the car. Yeah. And I'll see you in a couple of hours. I think there were like, yeah, definitely parents that were so controlling. You put them in childcare and you expect the childcare workers to do exactly what you do or you get a nanny in and you expect the nanny to be exactly how you would be.

And it's like, that's not how it works is we're not you. So like, just look after them yourselves if you're that controlling, that was definitely, definitely a thing. And then there were some parents who would just like yell and scream, like yell and scream. And then the minute you would, I don't know, do something they didn't like, they'd,

they just have a go at you and be like, the kids don't like you, the kids, the kids don't like you. But I'm like, you're yelling and screaming, you know what I mean? Like they will kind of just attack you because you're in their house. And I think they feel like they feel, I don't know, I feel like some parents felt feel a bit threatened almost when, when there's someone they're playing with their kids and that their kids like and they're not there.

And it can bring out the worst in them. I found. Hey Taz, one bit of, I don't know if this is like the official medical term, but Ash and I were doing some, some reading and we're a little bit stumped by something that we read about you. Oh God. And it's not the fact that you have three nipples. Apparently you had lightning crotch. What is that?

Oh yeah. It's like when you're pregnant and you just get this like jolt up your vagina, like I'm pretty sure Laura had it, hey, this jolt and it like shoots this, it feels like lightning just going up your vagina. I've never heard of it. Really?

Isn't that how you get pregnant? You guys are so lucky that you don't have to go through pregnancy. I swear to God, those 18 months, worst, worst 18 months ever. Like grateful, so grateful, but the shit you go through is wild. So what causes lightning crutch? I don't know.

I don't know. I actually don't know. You have to get a doctor on to explain it. Nah, because they'll give us like the boring version. I want like... We want the Tara version. I think it's something to do with maybe like your pelvis opening. A squished nerve? I don't think it's a nerve thing. I think it's to do with like the baby getting its head right down,

ready to, you know... Oh, like is it... So there's lightning crutch. Is there thunder crutch? Oh, fuck. Was that just a quake? Thunder arse. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. No, no thunder crutch. No thunder crutch. Sorry. Don't make her laugh. Sorry.

Sorry about my cough. I've got whatever the kids had. You've just been smashing Siggy's before the record Yeah, I had a whole pack of Dari's Winnie Reds Do you find people who smoke Dari's now so weird like I'm like who the fuck smokes Dari's like is that even still a thing? It's so Strange would you say oh, do you know what? They're not even smoking sections anymore. They're just like sex. Yeah, it's so weird I saw someone like I pulled up next to someone in this piece of a car and they had a V and was smoking a durry

And it was like eight in the morning and I was like that is That's a very that's a very gold- Coast thing. An energy drink and a ciggy. That's a classic. Yeah, it is. It's actually very, it's very Central Coast where I went to school too. I feel like Gold Coast and Central Coast are very intertwined. It's very similar.

Well, we have the opening ceremony in Brisbane for the Olympics. There needs to be La Part in the parade where people just come out with speed dealers on with their ciggy and a can of tea. Oh my God, I was in the opening ceremony when I was 10 at the Sydney Olympics doing a dance. Were you?

Yeah, with Nikki Webster. I don't know how I got in, because I was the worst dancer, but they must've just been short on kids, so I got the part. She dropped in and flew around, I'm like, I wonder if Paddy will make it into the Brisbane ones and we can carry on the tradition

in the family, then maybe his kid will be in the, whatever one, the Gold Coast one. Wait, is Paddy, he's the golfer, isn't he? He's the golfer, yeah, he's kind of, he's not as interested in that career now, he's three and a half. Well, hang on a second, hang on a second. He's three and a half. Well, hang on a second, hang on a second. He's three and a half.

No, no, no, you should have seen, it was like Tari did a video and it went pretty viral, didn't it? He was just playing with his like little plastic kind of golf set in the backyard. And he was amazing. I have to see this video. Cause I was like, you just saying he's a golfer.

I'm like, isn't he like three? He's three. He was just so like every day, he would just go out and try and hit his balls in the yard. I'm like, oh my god, he can actually do it so well. He can still do it so well, but now he's got like a bit more testosterone. So he might. He almost is too strong for it and tries to swing so hard that the club just goes, it smashed the window. And I was like, nah, was like nah from then nah nah no more of that but also Tara golfers what's that me that's a cash cow I know I know it's my only chance at ever like making it in this live

please just kidding yeah do it please buddy imagine just traveling I just want to like sip on my wine while I watch him like in the American tours, you know on the sideline Sun I think I'm gonna say sip on my face There was some loose golfer that would smoke cgs John daily on daily Now that could be Patty. No! Patty Daly.

Tara, for anyone, because we get a lot of people who are just about to have kids, like they're embarking on their pregnancy journey. If they're thinking, holy shit, if I get Lightning Crotch, what do I do? How did you deal with your Lightning Crotch? It goes away instantly. It just goes and you just kind of hold your vagina and you're like, ah, and then it just goes. There's nothing you can do about it. Just let it out, just scream. That's the treatment.

Just hold your vagina and go, ah! Just hold your vagina, scream. Tell your husband, go, I've got lightning crotch. I need to sit down. I just need to sit down for a minute So Patty is your eldest. Did you have lightning crutch during that pregnancy or both pregnancy? I feel like it was worse with 80 ray. I had so many more physical issues with 80 ray He was my second child and my final but yeah, so it was both pregnancies were pretty shit

But I think Patty's ed raise physically was worse. Why? My mental health with her was like worse too. Everything. I think like the fact that I already had a toddler, Patty was only 16 months when Edie was born. So it was like very close gap and there was just no downtime at all, obviously dealing with a toddler and being pregnant so

Also, you're stripped from like all your nutrients I reckon I was lacking in so many like vitamins and stuff that I needed when I fell pregnant with 80 Ray So I was just completely depleted and my whole world turned to absolute shit pretty much During that pregnancy we often joke about the fact that like Parenting is so fucking hard and it's an absolute nightmare and it's a roller coaster that is like being stuck upside down and you can't get off. But yeah, even though we joke about it, but for you, when did you go, Hey, this isn't something I can just laugh off. And this is something that like, I really need some help with. Yeah there was a point I had um I was really bad for a

while there Nick and I were like so close to like splitting up because we just weren't getting along and I was blaming him for like everything like everything that I was feeling pretty much. There was a point I was driving along and like I couldn't escape my mind. There were so many voices. I didn't know what was my reality anymore. I didn't know what was real anymore. And the anxiety was like, it was it was like all of like, imagine like books of information being thrown at you and just your thoughts, your thoughts, your thoughts. And I just couldn't escape my head. And there was this one time I was like driving along and I saw this truck and I was like, oh, how good would it be if that truck could just knock me

off the road, get me into a coma. I could go in a hospital and like just be in a coma for like weeks and just not think about anything. And I was like, yeah. And just like not die, but like come awake and everything will be okay. You know, like everything will be fine. And I was like, in my head, I I'm like that's not okay like I've got

my kid in the car like I can't think like this and then Nick and I had this really big fight the family heard about it and then the next day I had like pretty much like an intervention and everyone came in to see me at the house and they were like you need help you need help and I was like yep I need help. You need help. And I was like, yeah, I need help. And I went to the doctor and I explained what was going on. She's like, you've got like perinatal anxiety and depression. Did you even know what that was? You only really hear about postnatal postnatal postnatal.

So I'm like, I was adamant that it wasn't that I wasn't the issue here and that it was life around me that was causing me all of this. Like that it wasn't me. I ended up getting on antidepressants, which I reckon absolutely saved, like saved me because they gave me the opposite. They absolutely numbed me to the point where like nothing bothered me. And that's exactly what I needed because I was feeling like everything was like 10 times worse than what it should be.

Like every like imagine like me seeing a cup not put in the dishwasher. I was like, fuck you. Like, are you fucking serious? I'm pregnant. The one thing you can do for the fucking company dishwasher. You know, I'm like, you're a dickhead. And then in hindsight, I'm like, nothing was actually that bad. He definitely could have been better. There was definitely like there was definitely some times there where I was like because He is not one to know his own emotion. So maybe emotional scared him off So he didn't know how to deal with me with how I was like it wasn't something that

He for someone who doesn't even deal with his own emotions, how is he gonna deal with his wife's? Do you know what I mean? So I scared him off and my emotions also like pissed him off. Like he's an avoidant attachment, I'm an insecure attachment. So it was just like clashing. But once I didn't feel as much,

we started sorting our stuff out. We went to couples counseling and we really worked through it. And he learned a little bit more about where we were going wrong and how, and ways that we could support each other because we couldn't support each other at all. And I was actually able to do that with the psychologist

and I was able to have those conversations while on the antidepressants. Then after Edie Ray was born, I thought I was okay enough to come off and I came off and I did all of this work like insane work with my psychologist like weekly appointments. And from there, I did a lot of trauma therapy like childhood trauma therapy, where where it's called timeline therapy. It's where you go through your timeline and pretty much every trigger you have is something that you've learned from like when you're a child

or through life. So there were things that I kind of had learned that were making my life really hard. So. Was it things that happened when you were a child, that trauma that wasn't dealt with, that was bubbling back up to the surface whilst you were pregnant? Was that a scenario? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely. It was just a lot of unhealthy attachment issues that I had that rejection that fear of rejection and fear that

fear of abandonment was a huge one. And that's definitely stemmed from my childhood. You mentioned before you and your husband were able to support each other and work on supporting each other. What does that look like? I think there's like, you know, some men listen in and they're like, well, I don't know what to do. Like what, you know, how can I help for For you and your relationship, what were those things? We needed a third party to be able to have these conversations to start with. I think a lot of men are that, do love to avoid things. And a lot of men get angered when it comes to hard emotions too.

So Nick is zero to a hundred when you're talking about any kind of emotion. And he also feels threatened if there is something that I'm not happy with, because it's like he takes it personally. And so having that third person helped us both to have these conversations and really understand each other a little bit more, but without feeling personally attacked, it was more so explaining what's going on, like psychologically in both of our heads. So I would suggest if you are having any trouble and you're unable to have conversations with your partner to go and get couples counseling,

because that third party was so helpful. And there were light bulb moments where we were like, Oh my god, okay, okay. Wow, that makes so much sense. Remember what they were so not trying to fixing. So he would always try and fix my problems. And then I will be left feeling unheard. So men are fixes. That's what they do. Just hearing and listening, and and asking how they can support. That's a big one. That's a big one.

The other one is giving time. So if he was like, I need moment, I'd be like on the phone going, no, come back, come back, come back. Yeah, I can't give you time, come back. Cause I was so panicked that he would leave me, but assuring me that everything was gonna be okay. And he just needed a half an hour by himself

to take a deep breath and Come back. That was a big one It goes on both ends like there are things on both ends that people can do to support each other So it's about learning what they are for your partner So I guess asking like how can I support you and I would ask him and he's like, I just need space I just need space and I'm like, but are I support you? And I would ask him and he's like, I just need space. I just need space. And I'm like, but are you going to divorce me? Are you going to divorce me?

A lot of the time you don't really realise the behaviours that you're doing until that third party or someone points it out. I mean, for my wife and I, similar thing, like we went through a real similar phase a long time ago when we had our first and just the little things that you do in your day to day, when they're pointed out by someone who actually doesn't even live with you, you're like, holy shit.

So I think it's really strong advice from you to say, Hey, look, get someone, get, you know, get a third party involved. Just, just to help you just realise those little things that you might be doing that might make a big impact if you know that you're doing them. Yeah, it's so important because it's so hard to pick them up yourself when you're actually living it. It's so much easier to point the blame at everyone else around you rather than take that responsibility to.

It's so much easier to be like, I don't do that. And then someone says, yeah, bro, you do. And if it triggers you and I don't even live with you and I know you're doing that, then what does that say? Like there's other things. Cause I recall my wife saying to me when she went through the same thing and after even her first session

with a psychologist or a therapist, she was like, it's crazy. Just the little things they say that they point out little behaviors that you might do around the house even, or even your thought process. For me, it was avoidance, for my wife, it was avoidance as well. So for someone to be like, okay, well, do you just avoid

this tiny little thing in your day that might actually be of significant impact in your relationship? Even if you're getting along, it can be beneficial because when you're living with someone every single day and you're parenting with them, you're going to have issues come up all the time, all the time. We had an issue, God, every day, not every day, but a lot of the time we bicker about little things, but now we're at a point where we can talk about it and like discuss it like normal people, not like screaming people. And I think a lot of expecting parents as well, they just seem to think like, I'm meant to be the best at this job, parenting that is, immediately when it's so hard and it is kind of like any job that you go into, okay? You've got zero experience until you actually step foot in, in that world.

So the pressure that, you know, new moms and new dads have immediately, I think a lot of people ignore the fact that you've actually got to build your experience to be good at this. You can't just be the best at it. And then people wonder why they have so many mental problems is because they're continually telling themselves that, oh, I'm meant to be so good at this. Yeah.

Give yourself a break, you know? I think, and also like with things like Instagram always sees a good side of parenting. We just see happy photos of kids and they're fine. And you sit there going, what the fuck's wrong with my family? Why are my kids crying at me all the time? Cause we just like, just, we've got people's like 5%

of the best moments of their life, like in our face. So it kind of sets you up to fail a little bit because you're like, well, why doesn't my life look like that? Because I can tell you right now, I've nannied in so many houses and I can tell you, no, no family I've ever nannied for has a picture perfect life with no ups and downs.

And I've worked for so many families. Tara, how was it for you then, having that experience as a nanny, growing up always knowing that you wanted to be a mom, then finally being a mom and then realizing, shit, this is something that I really need help with. How hard did that hit? It took me a long time to really accept

that I had perinatal depression and anxiety because there was guilt that came with it because I was like, I'm not supposed to feel like this. There are so many people that can't fall pregnant and I've just fallen pregnant so easily. And I've got like, my baby is healthy and I'm feeling like this. Like I felt really, really bad about it.

And it took me ages to kind of get past that and accept it because I was, yeah, you just feel guilty. The parent guilt hits so hard when you're like the narrative, I guess, partly from what gets put on social media, but you're like, this is meant to be the most beautiful part of my life, raising my children. And this is something that I've always wanted. And it's fucking hell. It's so hard. It's so hard. And it's just something that no one ever spoke about.

Like our parents' generation never would have spoken about it, like publicly, because they were all about pretending like everything's perfect, you know, we're living in this life where we have to pretend everything's perfect and everyone's perfect. I feel like there is this one thing that pisses me off in this day and age is that no one, it's like we're not allowed to make mistakes.

I feel like the moment you make a mistake, you're just crucified. And so it's like mistakes aren't normalized, but we're people and we make mistakes. Like sometimes we yell at our kids and it's fucked, but like we do, you know what I mean? Cause we're humans. And the reality is like with early on parenting,

majority of the day is you making mistakes. 100%. Majority of the early days is you are making nothing but mistakes. You've got to hide it. You get told that you shouldn't suppress this stuff. If you don't, that's a mistake as well. It's so hard.

I recently did therapy with my psychologist about it because I think because I had all the therapy of my childhood trauma, when I had kids, I stressed so much about fucking them up and I was like, am I gonna like mess them up by like, and so I'm like, I better do everything like perfect and then I would just overthink everything. And I'm like, can't do this, can't do that because that's recommended and then that's recommended. And there's just literally so much stuff

that's recommended that you do and you can't do it all. You can't be a perfect parent. You just have to do the best you can. Yeah, solid advice to just do the best you can because there's no perfect. There's no one size fits all. Do you see with your eldest and your youngest the difference in personality?

Oh, they are so different, like so different. My eldest is so much like my husband. He's just such a different kind of kid. Like he's so like, he's more timid and shy and quiet. He's got a really kind, gentle soul, whereas my second is just a little firecracker and she's just so outrageous and just real out there and you star of the show type thing.

So she's real, yeah, just different. And not as gentle, she's not like a gentle soul. She's a nice kid, but she doesn't have that gentleness that my son has. Yeah, they're completely different. Also, she sleeps. She sleeps, which is wild. It makes a big difference.

Makes a big difference, doesn't it? I thought I took her to the pediatrician when she was a baby, because I was like, she's just sitting there not crying She's there's something wrong with her. I think she's having seizures and they were like, oh god Okay, and then they're like she seemed she seems normal to me But I've just gone from like a kid that cries all the time like every second My son who needs so much to someone who's like she was like self-sufficient from birth. She didn't even need me really.

She just needed a bottle in her mouth and she was all good. I know it's funny that we talk, we talk about a lot here that you get, you get one or the other. Uh, and then when you have two, you get one of each most of the time. Like same with me, my first one didn't sleep and he's very similar, like to your eldest where he's really timid. He is really like kind heart. And then I've got Macy, who's just like a bit like doesn't really give a shit.

Yeah. I saw recently you posted a video of your drumming. Yes. Which is exceptional, by the way. Thank you. Thank you. You're very welcome. Was the drumming at all something to help with your mental health? 100 percent. It's that is the only hour of my week I completely zone out from the mental load of parenting. Even when I'm training or walking, I'm still thinking about what I have to do next. I'm so focused on what I'm doing there and concentrating on trying to fucking learn whatever

the crazy thing is I'm learning that day, which is so hard to do for me. So it's like a break. It's that rest from thinking about being a parent. And you get to like bash the shit out of some drums. It must be real helpful. 100%. It's so good. It feels so good. I love it. And then working towards something like I'm playing in the end of year school concert. Like that's a drum score I'm playing in the end of year school concert like there's a drum school I'm playing in the... Oh my god! Oh that's awesome! Can we ask what song you've got to perform? I think I'm gonna do the Begging again. I've started to learn a new song but I definitely won't be finish that one before the end of year so I'll have to do the main skin Begging. That's pretty cool. Like come to my concert kids. Is there any plans maybe

to join a band? Could that be on the cards? Well we've got a local pub up here called The Wallaby and they are fully about the live music. It's the best pub and I'm like I'm wondering if I could get like a Mudgery Bar band together. I'm not good enough yet. What would your band name be do you think off the top of your head? Oh, God, it'd be like Mums, I reckon like. Heavy metal Mums. Yeah, I don't know. Lightning Crotch? Yes, Lightning Crotch. So good.

Did you ever imagine that when you were going to have kids that your outlet would be playing the drums? You know what? I wanted to do this way before kids. It's always something that's... kids. It's always something that's yeah it's always something that's been on my list and I just never did and I think the fact that I just didn't have an outlet anymore and I was just trying to find you know get to my roots a little bit um forced me into it like after having kids so I'm not surprised. And be uncontactable for an hour is the best. Yeah they're at daycare when I do it.

But the other night we ran out of milk and I had to go to the servo. Like it was like after dinner and bath time. I'd like got in the car by myself and it felt so good to have five minutes to go to the servo. Like just escape it for a second. You really appreciate that quietness, don't you? Yeah, those five minute trips

turned into like 30 minute trips. Oh yeah, in my car with my durries and V. Yeah, you're just out of the front going. One of the scariest things I think as a parent is knowing the right time to go to hospital. You know, you don't want to be one of those parents who's just getting worked up over something small. Edie Ray, so at eight weeks old, so Patty went into hospital and got grommets in.

So he had this surgery and he came back and he was really sick. So I think he picked up RSV from the hospital, but he must have had other viruses from kindy before that. And so he came back and then he must have given given them to Edie Ray. But she was such a silent little girl and she didn't really cry a lot or anything, so it was so hard to tell that she was sick. But I noticed her breathing one day and I took her to the hospital and they were like,

okay, let's swab her and just see. And they were like, look, I think she's okay to go home, but she could decline. And so then the next day it got worse. And I was like, I have to go to hospital again, took her to hospital and they got her swabs back and they were like, yeah, okay. So they're like, you're not gonna be going home

for like quite a while. You're gonna be here for quite a while. So just let everyone know it's come back that she's positive for RSV, rhinovirus and adenovirus. So three viruses, this is, she was eight weeks old, so still a newborn. Oh my God.

Is rhinovirus just like a chest infection? What is that? Rhinovirus is your common cold. Adenovirus is like another common cold, like, you know, your typical kindy cold. RSV is a scary one, which is really scary for babies. Respiratory, I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Her breathing, you could just see her stomach pumping in and out and she couldn't drink anymore because she couldn't like suck or anything because she couldn't breathe. I sent a video to my friend who's a nurse and I was like, is this okay? She's like, take her to the hospital now. Her head was bobbing up and down. That's like a massive thing.

Eight weeks as well. We went there. They're like, she's going to get a lot worse before she gets better. And the decline of her, because it leads to something called bronchiolitis. So it lead to bronchiolitis and then a partial collapsed left lung. She was on oxygen and then she needed like the high flow and then they were like, we're gonna move her to ICU because she needs like full to be watched. But I remember like, I remember being so worried and I remember, you know, you can vibe off like people,

like I'm pretty good at sensing what people are feeling and I could just see the nurses before we got moved into ICU, they were stressed. Like they were, they were. Oh, that's not a good sign. Yeah, and I was like, is she gonna be okay? And I was like, tell me she's gonna be okay, because they're like, we rarely see the three viruses,

like maybe one or two, but three is like, yeah, it's not good. And I was like, she's gonna be fine though, isn't she? And one of them was just like, look, she's in the best place. And I was like, fucking what? Don't say that, she's in the best place. Tell me she's gonna be okay.

She's in the best place, you kidding me? So that was horrific seeing the nursing staff so stressed because they're not. Imagine how scary it would have been. Yeah. Oh my God. That's another thing I had to do therapy for, like recently, because I got the full health anxiety after that. It's not the fact that she got sick.

It's the fact that I didn't know that if she was going to to to survive for a minute there. What does that feel like then after you're leaving hospital, when you get to take her back home? I was so heightened. I remember just being like this, like, like so heightened. It, once I got home, I felt like I could breathe again. And it's just like, you don't even like fathom what you went through. You just you don't even you don't even like it's like a blur a whirlwind and you get home

and you like holy crap that was hectic but I think it hit me a lot further down like a lot further down and I didn't realize the impact it had on me until, yeah, until later on when it started, when I started getting the anxiety, whenever she would get sick and everything like that. Well, yeah, even recently, like last week then, how was that? I did my therapy, I did,

I kind of did like my childhood trauma therapy again, but I did it with the sicknesses again. And so I've been really good lately because I said goodbye to all of that stuff that was in my unconscious mind. So, you know, I was getting triggered if they would have injuries or if they would, because she started getting viral induced asthma after that. So it wasn't our last hospital visit. It happened again a few times after that

where she just can't breathe and she needs the oxygen help. So once I did that trauma work it's been a lot easier but before that, before I did the work, I was feeling physically ill. If they would fall over or anything, either of them, I was in complete tears. I'd have to give them to Nick and I'm like I can't, I can't help them, I can't help them and I'd have to give them to Nick. I'm like, I can't, I can't help them. I can't help them. And I'd have to just bore my eyes out and cry. I'm talking if they've like knocked their head on the wall. If they're crying a lot and you know, yeah, something's happened to them. If her breathing was was scary, or if they were like coughing and stuff, I'd feel physically ill. So that's when I knew I had to do something about it because I was like,

I'm not in it. I couldn't even support them. I had to get Nick to do everything. I was like, I can't, I can't, I'm not strong enough to do this. Yeah, because as new parents, there's like a lot of anxiety around whether you should be taking your kid directly to hospital or whether you shouldn't or whether you feel bad that you do. Do you think that now you're like, just do it. Just go and do it because yeah.

Do it because I was unsure. I was unsure and I still was unsure because she wasn't like crying. Like you imagine your kid to be like fully broken but like there's stuff that can happen. Like she could have passed out in the car if I was any later. Like you just gotta go. If there's stuff that can happen. Like she could have passed out in the car if I was any later. Like you just got to go.

If there's anything you're worried about, you just go. Don't worry if there's nothing wrong. I've been there so many times when there's been nothing wrong and they're like, no, all good. That's all good. Just go. Like there's no, they don't care.

You just take them in. I tell you when they would care if you didn't take them in. Why didn't you bring them in? Yeah, exactly right. Tara, have you ever had to bring the kids in for a sunburned bum? Never, never. Because they wear sunscreen and a hat because of the book I wrote. I gotta say, my kids absolutely love it. They are obsessed with Willie. If you haven't read the book, Willie and the Sunburnt Bum, it's a cracker. It's such a great name, Willie and the Sunburnt Bum.

Yeah, my kids love it too. Edie Ray loves it. You know, my kids actually love in your book at the moment, they love the little pictures. Stop it. Awesome. Yeah, we have to put cover up the one where the keys are going in the toilet because they're

so intrigued to see what's going on. No, I'm like, that's nothing. That's nothing. Don't do it. Don't look at that. Are you going to write a follow up? I want to do one. I do want to do another one.

It's on my list of I've got like a board of like goals for 2024 and writing my second books on there. But you know, you know, you know what it's like. What's Willie going to get up to next? My kids are chomping for it. Willie's going to brush his teeth without being a dickhead. When you have the kids who have grown up and they've left the nest, no longer living with you guys, what is the one thing that you would want them to remember about the house they grew up in? I just want them to remember the fun times

and those moments where we were all together laughing. And just those moments of connection really. I don't care if they think I'm a pig in the house is a mess or whatever. Like I want them to remember the family dinners and the wrestles and the movie nights and the cuddles. I love that. I think it's been an absolute roller coaster

hearing your story, but I think you're doing such an amazing job. So well done. Thank you so much for spending some time with us. Thanks for having me. You're a bloody legend. Thanks so much. Thanks, Tarz.

Bye. I can't wait for Lightning Crutch to tour. Well, I don't know if Tarz has seen the recent video of you singing Poo Plane. I'm going to be the lead singer of Lightning Crutch. What can I play? It's confusing be the lead singer of Lightning Crutch. What can I play? It's confusing because April already calls me Lightning Crutch. No she doesn't. She calls that because you've got chlamydia.

She calls me Chlamydia Crutch. If you've enjoyed this episode as much as I have, please like and subscribe. Tara did say. She did, yeah. I want everyone to like and subscribe. Leave five stars, little review, it'd be great. She said if they don't leave reviews she will find them hunt them down. Drum them down. Also the Facebook group is a great

place where you can hang out with other parents who are just as tired as you are. Search to Doting Dads on the Facebook or you can join us on Instagram. And if there's any other guests that you would like us to interview, please throw your suggestions our way. Ash, let's get out of here. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. sea and community.