Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #101 Peeing In The Pool, Lovemaking and Fight Styles With Laura Byrne

Episode Date: October 22, 2024

While Ash is away, Matt J brings his wife on to play!  Laura Byrne joins us this week to update us on what her household has been up to. It turns out she's a born-again cruiser. While some may think she spends a lot of time at parks, Laura is actually really into mega-ships after returning from a four-day cruise. We also answer your big questions:  What are your thoughts on divorce?  Should people be allowed to ban children from weddings?  How does Laura feel about living with her mother-in-law?   Also! Keep a look out on our socials this week because we're about to announce something BIG to celebrate hitting our 100th episode! Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Can I ask how I got roped into this episode? Because Ash is on holidays. That must be nice. Must be very nice. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I am a doting mum, Laura Byrne. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is a good, it is a bad.

It is the relatable. Is that? I don't know the tackle. That was very good. I can't believe you remembered that. I've listened to this podcast a couple of times. You guys are very good. Ash is also exceptional, so I've got big shoes to fill.

Okay. That episode you listened to in the car, that was on the drive down the South coast. That was probably one of our best episodes we've ever done. And I was so nervous because I was like, Oh, I don't need to listen and judge me. And I was listening to it back and I was thinking, this is one of the best episodes we've ever done ever. To give context to that. So we were driving down to the house. I don't know if you've spoken, have you spoken about the house? Oh, every week.

Okay, right. Taj Mahal must be nice. So we were driving down to the house that we're renovating down south. And Matt was like, okay, I need to listen to this episode just to kind of give it the once over. It's been edited. It won't take long. And I was genuinely surprised by how good it is. Not that I had any doubts. At me or Ash or both. Just the chemistry unparalleled.

Thank you. Anyway. Thank you. Well. Thank you. Well, thank you for having me back. Our listeners know that obviously. I also am now a listener. So, and also a participant. Well, promote us more. God damn it.

I fucking hate that you're like, you're like, oh my gosh, we've got another million downloads and you're like, you're over there like at a buffet table of like wings and steak and chicken and Ash and I are here with like. Your fucking socks and your microphone rolling around in cat hair. Just battling every single week. Whereas you're over there. Hey, speaking of cats, I want to talk to you about raspberry. Please tell me you're thinking about getting rid of her.

I don't know. Oh, before, before, sorry. What happens normally at this part, Laura, is Ash and I will have a beer and then we have. You know how much I love beer. So. Well, you do like beer. You have had a Stony World before and you were like, oh my god, this is really delicious. And I was like, fuck yeah. My wife's one of those cool women who drink beer. You trying to call me a pick me? Was I like, oh, I drink beer now because it'll impress my husband. I just thought, yeah, all you have to do is play cricket now and fucking. Righto.

There we go. Grow a mustache. And peg me. Man can dream. Guys, is this what you and Ash do when I'm not home? This is, this is literally like the amount of people who are like you and Ash are clearly fucking each other. Can you please change the sheets? You do record from our house.

We did. We did. We're about to hit 100 episodes and I did a little call out being like, hey guys, what should we do to celebrate? And this one guy, it's called David was like, cover yourself in oil and then record a podcast and then wrestle and film it. We're like, all right, David, we'll do it for the right fee. That's for the OnlyFans channel. You can't give that content away for free. We'll do it.

No one's forcing you. If it gets us a new listener. All right. Look, let's do the very lucrative Stonewood sponsorship. Okay, this is- Obligatory crack. Before you- Sorry.

Rush into that, attack that beer with your fingernails. This is the Hinterland Big Ale. May I just give you a little description, Laura, of the drink you're about to have? It says Mandarin citrus peel and pine eclipse. That sounds like a summer holiday. It's got mints in there. I hate mints. It doesn't have mints in it.

Oh, for God's sake, Laura. No one is making beer and especially a brand as good as Stonewood is making a beer with Eclipse Mints in it. What does it say Eclipse? It says at the top it says Eclipse, Mandarin, Citrus, Peel and Pine. Oh I don't know what the Eclipse means. Hang on let me see just here. Oh it also says pineapple, pine and herbs. So it could have mint in it because mint is a herb. Okay this is a Hinterland Pale Ale, full flavoured. It's a limited edition though, Laura, and it's a balanced Pale Ale, lighting up the Southern Cross with Ozzy Eclipse. I don't know what that means. Let's try it. Well, run in, because if it's limited release, it won't last long.

Ah! I just squirted myself. That's what she said. That's usually Ash. All right. That's usually Ash. All right. Very hoppy. I can get around it. Bet you can. All right. Let's go on. Raspberry.

That's sorry. That's not the raspberry is not in the can. I wanted to talk about the cat. No, you wouldn't be surprised. There's a lot of like foodie notes in this. Before we go on, I just have to say that if you want to get your hands on this beer, the Hinterland Big Pale Ale, head down to Dan Murphy's or BWS around the country or jump on their website, stonewood.com.au and get it delivered to your home.

And if you're interested in getting your hands on this beer, the Hinterland Big Pale Ale, head down to Dan Murphy's or BWS around the country or jump on their website, stonewood.com.au and get it delivered to your home. And if you're interested in getting your hands on this beer, the Hinterland Big Pale Ale, head down to Dan Murphy's or BWS around the country or jump on their website, stonewood.com.au and get it delivered to your home. And if you're interested in getting your hands on this beer, the Hinterland Big Pale Ale, head down to Dan Murphy's or BWS around the country or jump on their website, stonewood.com.au

and get it delivered to your home. And if you're interested in getting your hands on this beer, the Hinterland Big Pale Ale, head down to Dan Murphy's or BWS around the country or jump on their website, stonewood.com.au and get it delivered to your home. And if you're interested in getting your hands on this beer, the Hinterland Big Pale Ale, head down to Dan Murphy's or BWS around the country or jump on their website stonelwood.com.au and get it delivered to your door, Laura Byrne. I would like to know your honest opinions on the cat. Oh, she fucking sucks. You hate her, don't you? I see you look at our cat with such disdain. And to be fair, she's a real, she's a real like bus shelter cat. So she, for anyone who's not aware, I don't know how much of the story you've told,

we got her through a rescue. She came from a literal bus shelter and she has like real scrappy vibes. Like she kind of looks at us sometimes and she's like, why the fuck did you take me from my home? I liked being in the bus shelter. This place is too cushy. She tries to shred the, like the the kids every time the kids walk past. She tries to scratch them. Every single time Lola walks past her. I thought it would be literally like swiping at her with her like claws hanging out. She does the same to Nana and Nana can't run very fast.

Nana fucking hates that cat. I know she does. You do too. Only because Laura, we have to hang with the cat at home and not around. And all the cat does is like, it just fucking scratches everything and it just like shits and pisses all day. And then if you leave any food on the kitchen bench, like doesn't matter how many times you've been like, ah, don't get up there.

It will just fucking take it. It does. It does. It does do all of those things, but she's cute too. And she does like a little head scratch. Does she though? Not really. Does she? She's very wild.

I think she's quite close to being like a leopard or something. I mean, every time we go outside for any reason, she is like a prisoner who's been in isolation its whole entire life and it's just gagging to go outside. I think Raspberry hates living with us as well. I don't think she wants to be. No one's enjoying the situation at all. Oh, we give her a good home. I really try.

I'm sorry. Are you happy though? I do love her. Yeah. I'm happy. Honestly, hand on heart, do you? I wish she was nicer to me, but though? I do love her. Yeah. I'm happy. Honestly, hand on heart, do you? I wish she was nicer to me, but yes, I do like her.

I just want her to want to cuddle me, but she doesn't want to. How does she compare to your other cat? What was his name? Ninja? Ninja. Look, for anyone who doesn't know my Instagram handle, LadyInACat, go throw me a follow. LadyInACat. Well, hang on a second.

The reason why it's LadyInACat is because once upon a time when Matt and I first met, I had a cat and his name was Ninja. And I would always say that Ninja was quite like a dog. Like he would do things that Buster would do because they were best friends that hang out together. I'd take Buster for a walk. Ninja would come with us. We'd all go for a walk around the park together. He would sleep in my bed at night time.

He was super cuddly. And every time I described Ninja to Matt, Matt's like, well, you don for a walk around the park together. He would sleep in my bed at night time. He was super cuddly. And every time I described Ninja to Matt, Matt's like, well, you don't like cats. You like dogs. You just want another dog. No, I think that's what I had. I had Ninja for most of it in like a couple of months. Yeah. You didn't like him either though, but he was beautiful.

Did I not like Ninja? I think Raspberry will improve. She's still a kitten. She needs some time. She's got that real bus shelter vibe about her. She's still a kitten. She needs some time. She's got that real bus shelter vibe about her. She's just got to get out of the scrappiness. And in a year's time, she's going to be living here in Bondi in a lap of luxury. Like she just wants to be out there working the streets.

She does. She does. I don't know if that's a good reference. She doesn't suit this lifestyle. Let me tell you, all my brain was doing then was figuring out whether what you were saying was going to get me cancelled. I fucked the cat once. It was once. I regretted.

Okay. Well, look, Ash is away. I am feeling in. It is a one show only. I would like to- It may be two. You haven't told me that. It may be two. We're not sure. I forget when Ash comes back.

I would like to point out that because I, you know, podcast for a living, I came to this prepared. Am I recording? Am I recording? Yeah, I'm recording you. Okay. If that, if my camera angle is not good, I don't want to sound like a diva here. I mean, it's your face.

I can't change the way you look. Okay. So I came to this recording today with several points. The camera's good. You're good. Okay. I've written down Raspberry, Matt P's in the pool, period nappy, Lola falling asleep on helicopter, penis slap, crying, penis slap, bribing Lola.

And I would like to point out that you have prepared nothing. That's how we roll baby. Well, it's good to see someone's doing the heavy lifting here. That's how we roll. Because Laura, I just, I wanted to give you the opportunity to show everyone on To Doting Dads how funny you are. This is about you, not about me. Stop.

It's because you did no preparation, but it's all right. At least we've got someone here to steer the ship. As you guys know, we have just gotten back from a cruise and I've learned a valuable lesson over the last couple of days, cause I have been loudly and proudly telling everyone that I am now a cruiser. I am a cruiser. I love to cruise. I am a cruiser.

You've been bitten by the cruise bug. Yeah. I also found out today that saying that you like to cruise means that you like to solicit sex. You cruise for sex. It's like a term that used to be used for people who like hide out in parks and want to have sex with people. No, it's not. Look it up. That's like Mitch told you that, didn't he?

No, it's true. I Googled it today. I said it to my boss last night who works in radio. I was like, I am a cruiser. And Kieron, who runs ARN, was like, you need to stop saying that to people. Gay slang term. Yeah. In the sixties. People would cruise to a range.

Well, okay. I think it's fine. Okay. Well, we're cruisers. Loud and proud, you're a cruiser. We are cruisers. And we were both very guilty of turning our noses up at people who would take cruises.

I would look at those people as the type of people who would have fake plants in their house. Yeah. I honestly remember saying I would rather eat my own shit than go on a cruise. And so I said that and Matt, you went on the last Pino cruise. You took Nana, you took the kids and I preferenced going to work over going on that cruise.

Like I could have moved work around, but I was like, I don't want to go on that cruise. You didn't want to go? I didn't want to go. I was so annoyed when you couldn't come on that cruise. I was like, nah, not for to go on the cruise. You didn't want to go? I didn't want to go. I was so annoyed when you couldn't come on that cruise. I was like, nah, not for me. Cruising is not for me. But this time, so this trip, my mom's had a really, really tough year

and she really wanted to go on this cruise as well. And so it turned into Matt organizing it. Ellie was going, my mom wanted to go. Matt invited his sister. My sister then came. My brother flew in from the United States. He came as well. And there was 15 of us and seven of those were children.

And that to me on paper would be an absolute disaster. For me, anything that requires like multiple groups, I could do two groups. Awful. Maybe three, but we had 15 people, 15 people in the group. I honestly thought we would be tolerating this trip. I was like, cool, we're going to go on a family cruise. It's going to be awful.

We will tolerate it and everyone's going to come home exhausted. We got there on the first day. And I, and I, I want to say this. Like, I know that you guys have been working with PNO. I personally have not been working with PNO. I did not care at all about the whole situation. I had so much fun on that first day. Everything was so seamless. It was so easy that I was like, oh, is this the point where I sit here and eat my own shit? Like, do I do it at dinner time?

Do I do it for dessert? Normally at dinner time it happens, yeah. Do I put some sauce on top? Like, I had so much fun. And I think it was for me, it was the lack of the logistical planning. Cause when you go on a big family holiday, the thing that's the most annoying thing is the fact that you have to organize the taxi to get to dinner or you guys, you all get to the beach and then it's windy and the kids are having a shit time and you've got to figure out like a solution. When we're on the cruise.

It's the transitioning as well of like, you got to get the kids ready. You then got to book the taxi, got to wait for the taxi. The taxi's late. All of a sudden you're too close to dinnertime. So you're not even at the restaurant, but kids are already hungry and they're getting upset. So all of that is just, it's just a nightmare. Totally.

So it's all that logistic. It's the mental admin that makes holidaying in big groups really annoying. And so going on this cruise where everything was contained, like there was this one day where the weather wasn't great and we planned to take the kids to the pool and we got to the pool and everyone was cold and everyone was complaining and we were like, oh fuck, what are we going to do now? And then we all looked at the itinerary and somewhere on the boat there was karaoke and all of a sudden at two o'clock in the afternoon, the kids are there doing karaoke.

So yeah, I am a born again cruiser. It's fucking great, isn't it? You'll find me in your gay park. I will be there. I loved it. People have been coming up to me being like, was it actually that good? It's like a cult.

It's like a cult. Yeah, I'm like, just come and try it. Just one, just have one day, one session. That's all you need. And then you'll be converted. It's the most fucking life changing experience other than like becoming a father I've ever experienced. Well, I know you guys talk about like parenting side of things.

So, I mean, this was something that happened whilst we were away. And I wanted to bring it up with you because I have realized I do something as a mom, which is probably not... I mean, I've fallen into the habit of doing it, but I'm not particularly proud of it, I guess I would say. I've fallen into the habit of bribing our children, okay? If I want them to do something, I'd be like, you can't have that unless you do this.

We can't have that unless you finish this. You know? Also, not to attack you here. Oh, God. Laura, something else you do is you make big threats. Yeah. Big threats. They always say that never make a threat to your children

that you can't follow through on. They're not that. Give me an example. You're like, I will kill your father. Unless you finish your chicken nuggets. You can't. And I'm like, Laura. You can't say that.

You're gonna get me handled. You make big threats. I can't think of the exact ones that you make, but you're the type of- I'll say we're getting off the boat. And we're in the middle of the ice. Yeah, we're like, we are in the Pacific right now, cannot see land. And Laura's like, we'll get off the boat right now,

unless you come here and put your shoes on. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't quite mastered the art of like, what is an appropriate threat? So we were at dinner this one night and Lola wasn't eating and she was being an absolute pain in the ass. Like, Lola and I, we can vibe down. I feel like normally I can, I feel like normally I'm a pretty good

communicator with Lola and I can get her to do things that you, for example, can't do because she likes me more. Just, I love how sensitively you approach that one. She fucking does not like you. Because I'm her favorite parent. She said, she even said on the cruise, Matt was like, Lola doesn't like me and she goes, Daddy, I love you. And you go, well, can I have a hug? And she goes, oh, no.

She's three. Do you think, OK, do you think there's any correlation? Just really quick, throw this out and get your thoughts before you continue your story. Do you think there's any correlation in the fact that you and Lola look like each other and me and Marley look like each other that we're kind of like, cause we're so similar. That's why we get along so well. Cause I, you know, me and Marley are pretty tight. You and Lola are pretty tight. Is there a connection there or is it just coincidence?

Do you think it is mildly narcissistic that we named our child Marley, Matty and Lola and Laura? But it's Matty J. Marley Mae. Yeah. It's fucking weird. We are those weird parents. We didn't plan it.

It just happened. And then someone pointed it out when Lola was like six months. And I was like, well, it's too far to go. Like, it's gone too far. What have we done? Who are we? What have we done? I don't know.

Do you think there's any connection there? No, I don't think that Lola likes me because she thinks I look like her. I think that's a weird link. No, not because you look like each other, but just because you guys are like, you were just cut from the same cloth. Like you're obviously the same DNA, but you're just like, you know how you have like a bit of a weird rib cage? It's a condition. I have pectus excavatum, I think it's called.

You know, I once dated a guy, right? So he was a cardiothoracic surgeon and the first time I took my shirt off, he went, you know, you can fix that. That's what he said to me. Oh, you prick. Crushed. Could you fix it though? Yeah. You can get an operation.

Let's do it. For anyone who is so confused by what we're talking about, I have a hole in my chest. Like my, my rib cage goes right in. Let's do it. For anyone who is so confused by what we're talking about, I have a hole in my chest. Like my, my rib cage goes right in. It makes my boobs look a lot bigger than they are. But when I'm laying down, I just kind of look a bit deformed. Lola has it a little bit as well. I don't think that that's why we connect, Matt.

Cause you guys have the same rib cage. Yeah. Anyway, let's move on to the story. So we were at dinner this one night. Lola was being a little bit hard to manage. And I have been using bribery increasingly. I've noticed, like I've, I've clocked it. Okay. I'm not proud of it.

Anyway, she wouldn't eat her dinner. And I said to her, I was like, Lola, you're going to eat, eat your pizza, but we're going back to the room and there will be no donuts. So she, this, I said, dessert, great bribe. Yeah. I said, I'd said this a few times, right? So then I had to follow through. Cause she, and I know Lola, like if she's want something, she's stubborn as hell.

But the second I pick her up and I look as though I'm, I'm going to follow through with the action, she goes, no, no, no, I'll eat it. I'll eat it. So she wouldn't eat a dinner. And I was like, that's it Lola, no dessert for you. We're going back to our room. So I pick her up and we get to the front door and she has a full meltdown in the doorway of the restaurant. Like, oh, like a puddle of humans kicking and screaming

and everything else. And then I picked her up and I was like, no, Lola, there is no dessert tonight. We're going back to the room. And she goes, okay, mommy, I am very, very, very, very, very, very tired. I am very tired. And I was like, fuck, I really want to desert. I didn't want to go home to the room. So I was like, we're going back to the table and you're going to eat your dinner. It's so fucking annoying when the bribe doesn't work. It didn't work. And then I realized that she's clocked it.

She knows I'm not going to carry through with it anymore. So the bribery no longer works. You have ruined our children. I got broken by a three year old. It was only a matter of time. It was. She's genius, though. She's a smart kid. I think she was just so utterly exhausted though. I don't think she knew exactly what she was doing. No, shame though. I will stop bribing them. Did you give her donuts

in the end? Yeah, she had a donut. I ate them too. Had a great time. I go back to your list, Laura. There was an item on there that it was a total accident. No. And accident not because of it happening. I knew it was happening. Spit it out. There's an accident that you found out about it. I was peeing in the pool. And in my defense, in my defense, the toilets were very far away. Inconveniently far away. Inconveniently far away.

Inconvenient, right? And it was also a little bit windy as well. So I didn't want to get out of the pool, dry myself off because you can't like walk something wet through, you know, the corridors of the ship. So I was like, I'm just going to do a quick little wee wee. I think, did you just call it a wee wee? Quick little wee wee.

I think I just discovered a new ick. There is nothing attractive about a 37 year old man describing going to the toilet call it a wee wee? Quick little wee wee. I think I just discovered a new ick. And then there is nothing attractive about a 37 year old man describing going to the toilet as doing a wee wee. Well, that's unfortunate for you. Wow. Because you're fucking married to me and daddy has to wee wee. Okay. We're all in a pool. It's a small pool.

It is a pool where the kids are playing. We're playing. It wasn't that small. It was a bit, it was a small, it was the smallest pool on the boat. So it was like, imagine, imagine it was like at least 15 meters. It's a small pool. 25 meters. I swim over to Matt to give him a loving embrace.

And I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Cause I was, I just started to wee and I look over and you're like, like, coming for me. And you just had this look in your eye where you were like, I want a cuddle. You were like, you're like having a moment where you were like, this is great. I want to now embrace my husband and just have like a little beautiful moment between us. And I did embrace you.

And I had piss, like, Matt Streaming out my japs eye. Sorry, I apologize. Are you okay? I was just like weeing profusely. So I wrapped my arms around that and I also, he's kind of like sitting squatting and I like tried to sit in his lap, which in that moment is when I realized I was surrounded by a warmth. Could you feel it?

Yes, that was not very nice. moment is when I realized I was surrounded by a warmth. Could you feel it? Yes. That was not very nice. And this is where I want to ask the question for everyone listening. Is this something that we're doing as adults? Like as adults, are we still peeing in the pool and no one's talking about it? It's like- People are doing it.

They're just not talking about it. And you can't ask the question because people will say, oh my God, I never do that. They all do it. Poll it. Put it up on your To Dirty Dads Instagram. I want the polls. I want to know. Because I think, for example, I never do that. They all do it. Poll it. Put it up on your To Doting Dads Instagram. I want the polls. I wanna know.

Because I think, for example, I think a lot of adults pick their nose, right? They just do it when they're in the car or they do it when they're by themselves. Everyone picks their nose. Like how else do you get the boogers out, right? Everyone's picking their nose. No one's gonna admit to it. Is it something like that? Like am I...

Have I misunderstood this? Are we still peeing in the pool as adults? Did you pee in the pool? No, I didn't. I was cold and then I went to the bathroom, but you peed in the pool. And I was like, I guess, are we all doing this? Loser! Just like-

I don't think we should endorse it. I think that the answer is surprisingly or maybe not surprising. I think the answer is going to be no. I think people are not doing this. For the record, it was one time only. I never normally do that in a pool. I doubt it. Also, it's a kid pool.

It's full of piss. It's fine. I mean, the kids... Okay. Our kids didn't get out once. This is going to make me sound so bad. But Lola, at the time, not many people were in the pool. And Lola was like,

Daddy, I need to do a wee-wees. And I was just like, Ah, you're good. Let it loose, kid. Let it run free. P&O is never sponsoring you again. And then I think Alicia was like, Tazzy, who is Alicia,

your sister, Tazzy, her daughter. There we go. Makes sense. Perfect. Tazzy was like, I need a wee. And Alicia goes, do not do it in the pool.

And Lola goes, I am. And I was like, ah, me. That's my kid. Our entire family is just pissing in the pool. Nana Ellie as well is just like squatting over there doing a piss also. Yeah, but she can't help it. She wears Tina pads anyway. Well, with all of those little topics that I brought out of the way.

I wasn't recording. You're kidding. I was a of the way. I wasn't recording. You're kidding. I was a joke. Sorry. Let's get into the questions that you guys asked because Matt, you put up a question box on Instagram, you asked whatever relationship parenting, I don't know, whatever questions you have for us, and we're going to do our best to answer them.

Question number one. This is one. Wow. All right. Let's get straight to the point. How's the sex life with your mum living with you guys now? So if you are not aware, I'm sure most of you are, we live with Matt's mum. She moved in with us maybe six months ago now.

Yeah. I think, I think it's, I think it's, it's improved. I reckon. Okay. Why would you suggest that it's improved? Okay. As an example, okay. We're away for four nights, right?

We're in a room where it's a sofa pullout bed and we've got then our bed. So there's no like kids room. There's also no hanky-panky happening when you share a room with your children. Even though they're asleep and they're in another bed and everything else. And there's like distance between you. If you can still spot them from across the room, ain't nothing happening in this household. We floated with the idea of maybe like doing it in the bathroom. You floated. I said no. I put it out to the group. You knocked it back.

The reason why I think sex life has gotten slightly better, thanks to my mum, right? Hear me out, is the fact that the only reason why we were able to have sex on the boat, right, is because my mum took the kids. Yeah. But I mean, that's, she just came away on the holiday with us. Yeah. So that's not like a living together situation. We don't have an improved sex life because your mum's here.

We have, you do like your mum a lot. We haven't. Don't make it sound weird like that. We should utilise her more in that there's a park down the road. Okay. We, we. Cause she likes cruising too. Okay.

So we're really lame, Laura, in that when we get like a little window of free time on the weekend, you and I will go to the gym. Yeah, we do. Is that lame? Is that lame? Is that lame? It's not lame. We just like, you know. I think other parents out there, they must be like, oh no, I would do that too.

Like I would get some exercise. Okay. We have the option. Okay. We have the option right now when we get this little window of free time, we could have sex, but instead we opt to then get in the car, go to the gym and work out for 45 minutes. But the reason why we do that, and just to add context to it, the reason why we do

that is because your mum would just be downstairs with the kids. Like it is nothing. I'm saying send her down the park. Okay. Cause there's nothing sexy about sneaking upstairs and going for it when you know that the children are downstairs watching Frozen and Nana's making a bolognese. Like it doesn't, doesn't get me going surprisingly. That's fine.

Um, I would say that the things are the same. Sex life is the same. We always find our house is quite good because Ellie lives in a, she lives at the very front of the house and we're at the very back of the house. So we've got a little bit of distance between us. The only thing, and it's more a criticism of you and your memory, Matt, because Matt has like sex blindness, I would call it. So like we could have sex on a Friday and then have sex six days later.

So like on the Thursday, the following week, and Matt will be like, we've not had sex for a month. And he will say that every single time. We, we on average have sex every single week and you act as though we've had sex once since 2022. I am so guilty of that. It's so bad. And you're like, our relationship is so hard.

I feel like I don't even know you anymore. Because it's been four days. I'm over here starving, starving for any bit of affection. And it's literally been like 24 hours. I also know. We had sex the day before. I know anytime that you're like getting like a little bit frustrated by anything. I'm like, you're either hungry or you need a special cuddle and then you're good.

You're so easy. You're such an easy person to read. I- then fuck me more. I don't have time. And feed me more. I've got to work. I got a job. I got multiple jobs. I know. I just- it's not my fault that I love you and I love being with you. Okay. Is that a crime? Does that make me a bad person?

Can you blame the guy? This one is from Monhug. Monhug, thank you for your question. She asks, when did you feel like you two were thriving, not surviving with two kids? Oh, I'm still surviving. I'm not thriving. We have tiny pockets where we thrive. I don't feel like I've ever hit a consistent run of thriving. I think sometimes it can look like that on social media because you're only posting photos of the fun stuff and the good stuff.

I feel as though, yeah, exactly. Like you said, we have these little moments where like things kind of work really seamlessly, and then you end up in a new phase of parenting, your kids going through some regression about something, just the bribing stops working. And then all of a sudden you don't feel like you're thriving anymore. So I don't know if I ever have felt particularly like I'm killing it as a parent. You have a tiny window where let's say the house has been cleaned. Okay. Let's say it's a Sunday.

Whisper it to me. We've had like a homebody Sunday where we've cleaned the kitchen. We put the washing away. You know, like we're on top of all the daily boring tasks that we have at home. I've done some gardening. The kids have been fed. When you have filled that green bin. Oh, stop it. You're really excited. It's like that. Sorry. I forgot to add that to the list. Feed you, have sex with you, fill the green bin. That's all it takes. But when you have those little pockets and you're like, I feel like I'm on top of everything. You're like, this is fucking great. And then it doesn't last for more than half an hour and the kids start drawing on

the walls and start having an attack at each other. And then it all unravels pretty quickly. I do think though having kids that are three years old and five years old. I remember when I first had Marley or I first had Lola and I would ask people that had older kids, like, does it get any easier? And people who had older kids would always say, it doesn't get easier. It's just different. And I disagree. I actually genuinely think now that the kids are older, it is getting easier and easier. It's getting more and more manageable. And so I kind of feel like that's a real scare tactic for people who have younger kids. It's getting more and more manageable. And so I kind of feel like that's a real scare tactic for people who have younger kids. It's like, well, I still have it just as hard as you do.

If you have little kids, you by far have it the hardest because they're so dependent on you. And now that our kids play together so well, you know, they're, I don't want to say they're independent because obviously they're not, but like, I feel like we're- They drive themselves to daycare. They're now working part-time jobs. They pack their own lunchboxes. I mean, you joke, but like, yeah, the kids are great. And I feel like it's getting easier and easier. And we've got the parenting thing a little bit more down pat, but I

don't feel like we're thriving. And I do think as well, daycare makes a huge difference. A huge difference. Once you can have some time away from the kids and they're both in daycare, like that's a total game changer. You feel like you've got yourself back again. Yeah. So, I mean, it's always-

Shout out to the parents who don't use daycare. How the fuck do you do that? Yeah, I know. You're the real saints. Well said. All right. Next question. I'm having fun.

Are you? This is really fun. Okay. Question number three. Ready? Okay. What's your fight style? Scrappy. Matt's a scrappy fighter. Matt is grudgy. You are a grudgy fighter.

I'm not. What makes you say that? You take a little while to get over things. So like, I feel like you are a bit grudgy. I think your style, your best defense is an offense. Don't. You say this. You're the same. You're the same. You're the same. You gaslight me. The problem that we have. You gaslight me.

Stop using words that you don't know what they mean. You're a gaslighter. The biggest downside to being married to a woman who has a podcast all about love and relationships is that she's very difficult to argue with. I am am difficult to argue with and it's because I'm also quite stubborn. But the problem is that I think we have is that you and I have the same fight style. So we argue in the same way. Neither of us want to be in the wrong. Like neither of us want to have hurt the other person. So we kind of jump straight to defensiveness sometimes. So if I say, Hey, you did this and this hurt me, you'll be like, well, you did this and that's why I did that. And we do this. And I do the same thing

to you. I apologize. It's very hard to get an apology out of Laura Burn. You apologize more, but it's cause you're wrong more. Sorry. This is true. But your fart style, Matt, is anytime we're having a disagreement about something and I say, Hey, you did this and this upset me. You say, Oh, I can never be right. And you throw your hands in the air and then the argument can't go anywhere. You'd be like, Oh, once again, Laura Dern's right. And so that's just a really, it's quite belittling, but like, you know, we're working through it. Therapy helps. Okay.

Let's move on before we have a real blown argument. We don't actually go to therapy. That was a joke. We've not, you and I have never been to couples therapy. I think we do very well at communicating how we feel about stuff so far. But we should go to couples therapy. You suggested it recently and I got upset. Why did you get upset? Because you suggested it recently and I got upset. Why did you get upset?

Because you suggested it off the back. Do you want to remember why you suggested it? Because we hadn't had sex in a week. We hadn't had sex in a week and you said, I felt like we're not as connected and maybe we should go to therapy. Then we had sex once and you were fine. So there's a common thing. Cancel the appointment.

They're all good. Look, I'll be honest. When I said that I knew what I was doing. Did you really? Yeah. That's so mean. Maybe we do need therapy after all. I was like, I was like, what?

I just think it's a hell of a thing. We should go to therapy. Yeah. What's your love language? Uh, remind me what they are again. Uh, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, um, gifts and- Quality time. I am gifts.

I'm a zero. Like I don't need gifts. I don't care about gifts. Like gifts don't really do much for me. I am physical touch and I am words of affirmation and also acts of service. I love it when you do shit for me. And you're a real acts of service person. Like you're very, very good at doing the things that make my life easier,

which make me feel loved. Like paying my parking fines and cleaning up my car. Does that, I paid your toll bill the other day. Oh, did you like that? Love it. and cleaning up my car. Does that, I paid your toll bill the other day. Did you like that? I love it. Really? When you do those sorts of things for me that I like my life admin stuff, which I'm particularly bad at, it really like, that makes me feel super loved.

Okay. What about when I sent the accountant some of the information they needed for tax? Like, stop. Really? Can't ease off. Really? That is to me. for tax. Like, stop.

Candy's off. That is to me. I appreciate how much of the organization that goes into our lives. And that makes me feel very loved because it lightens my load massively. Lightens my load too. What's yours? I think the same. The same. Same.

I don't know. Gives me. What about the wallet I bought you? Where is that? Who knows? Because you bought me a wallet. I already have a wallet. I forgot I bought you one for your last birthday.

So you bought me a wallet where my current wallet's also like totally fine. So I was like, I feel bad. I feel bad using the new wallet because the like then the old wallet becomes redundant. So when the old wallet becomes too old to use, I'll transition to the new wallet. So what happened? This is how much I'm not a gifts person. I bought Matt a wallet last year. And a shirt that was too small.

And a shirt that was too small, which I thought he would really like. And- Oh, I felt so bad. This year- I'm telling you, Matt. This year I bought him a wallet because I forgot about the wallet I bought him last year. I genuinely thought you were still using the wallet your ex-girlfriend gave you. That's where my brain was at.

Oh, and you're like, oh, we'll see about that. I can get rid of that girl. Sorry, sorry I apologize. Why are you apologizing? Because I should use the new wallet. Next question. What are your thoughts about divorce? Wow, hit me as in like do I want to do it or just in general? Not us. I'm the product of a lot of divorce as in like my parents got divorced a lot. How many divorces in total? So my mom was married three times, divorced twice. My dad was married twice, but then also engaged a third time and separated. So they were pretty much married, but they never actually got married.

Wow. So three and two. So what's your take on divorces then? I, I used to be very skeptical, not of divorce, but of marriage. So prior to meeting you, I always kind of said I didn't want to get married because I didn't think it was worth the paper that it was written on. And I always was like, I was never the girl that pictured my wedding or the white dress or any of that sort of fairy tale.

Because it kind of just felt like it didn't mean a lot, I guess. And then meeting you, I don't know. We like, we're, we're a very good team together. Like we are, we very much support each other. We work really well together. I think we both saw marriage in a very similar way. And I felt confident when we were together that if shit got hard, you would work on it.

And I think, and this is probably maybe going a bit too deep. I don't know. But in my past relationships, I think I always lived with a really big fear that they were going to just leave. Like that if I wasn't pretty enough or smart enough or funny enough, if I wasn't like always on my best game, that if we had a fight fight they would leave, you know, because anytime we did have a fight often they would break up with me or it was like very tumultuous. Whereas like with you, especially when we got pregnant with when I first got pregnant, your reaction to that pregnancy spoke volumes about the person that you were. How did I react again? I think I was just excited.

Yeah, but okay. So I mean, and like I said, maybe this is a bit deep. Can I just say, because it was a surprise. It was a surprise. Which is because people... I'm like, thank God you're excited. But so I was in a six year relationship with my ex and he basically was like, if you ever got pregnant and you didn't have an abortion, I'd leave you. That's what he would say. And he would say it so frequently that it was an expectation

that if I chose to not have an abortion, he was not going to stick around for the relationship. Wow. And I thought that was normal. Like, of course I was hurt by it, but I was so naive to how people treated each other in relationships that I was like, oh, that's what I'm deserving of. And so when I told you that I was pregnant, I was so worried that you were gonna be angry at me. That you were gonna be like, this is fucked. Like how are we gonna fucking manage this?

And you burst out laughing and you were so happy. And I was like, this guy's, he's a fucking good egg. Is he really a good egg? I was, yeah, I was... I was like, alright, I'll marry him. Yeah. I think I'm similar in that I remember, it's weird how certain situations and conversations

are those core memories in your mind. My mom and dad split up when I was about 12, I think, 11 or 12. And I like, I hated, I hated the fact that their family was being split up. Even though I can look back and I know it was absolutely, it had to happen that it was so unhealthy for us all to be together under the one roof. Yeah, but when you're a kid, you can't understand, you know what you know, right?

And even if what you know is toxic, it's still the safest version because it's what you're familiar with. Totally. And I remember when my dad would cook the barbecue outside on the veranda, I would always just like, it was like my job to get the tongs and get the plate. It was always just, I would be his little helper. And, and I remember my dad was flipping the steaks and he looked at me and he said, Matt, if I can give you one advice in this world, it's never get married. Wow. Thanks dad. I can give you one advice in this world. It's never get married. Oh, wow. Thanks, Dad.

And I remember thinking to myself, I was like, you're wrong. I'm going to prove you wrong. I remember like I'm so stubborn that I was like. I was like, no, I'm going to do it. You look awesome. Are we crying? And I was like, I'm going to make it work. Yeah. Yeah. I feel very similar.

Like, I feel like I, you know, you either repeat the things that your parents did in their relationships because that's your blueprint or you like really actively choose to be different. And I think even though we're not perfect all the time and we have our moments where we will accuse each other of gaslighting each other. Like we are so on the same team, like we're never opposing each other. And, um, and I have like, I have such strong faith and like reassurance and absolute like unwavering faith that even when things get really hard, like we, we are in it, we're in the shit together and we will work hard to make it better.

Yeah. And that's for me is like our marriage feels very different to then to what my expectation on marriage was. Just because we're so fucking stubborn. I love you. Okay. Once again, I love you too. Okay. Ashley's going to listen back to this episode and go, oh my God. Like, fuck off.

I'm never letting these losers back on the podcast again. Okay, next question is, oh, this is one that's not actually about us specifically, but it's around kids at weddings. What is your opinion on having children at a wedding? I get so annoyed when people will send out an invite and say that there are no kids allowed. I feel not that annoyed. I feel differently to you. I think that there has to be a limit.

I understand why people who don't have children don't understand why it's important to have kids there for people who do have children. But I think it's okay to not wanna have small children at your wedding. Like if you give enough time for preparation of babysitters, et cetera, it's okay to not want to have small children at your wedding. Like if you give enough time for preparation, babysitters, et cetera, it's okay to make that, but it's not okay to expect breastfeeding mothers to not bring their babies.

Like if you've got a baby that's under X amount of months, I don't know, I don't have a figure in my head, but babies absolutely are and should be. They're just an extension of their mother. They should be welcome no matter what. But I get why some people don't want kids. However, we didn't have that rule at our wedding. We were like, bring your kids. We don't care.

Obviously our kids were a massive part of our wedding. We had the dog there, the kids were there. Especially we know how hard it is when you're outside of a big city to A, find a babysitter and then like B to then try and like, you know, if you're there, if you've got kids for the ceremony, then you have to try and ditch the kids. You have to get back to your accommodation, find the babysitter, come back to the wedding. It's so hard logistically. But I don't, I think having all the kids there made our wedding better. It was so fun and silly. And I think it was amazing. I loved having them there. The only thing was,

is that most parents didn't want their kids there for the reception. So most parents just naturally organized babysitters for bedtimes, et cetera, et cetera. Look, I don't care about kids at wedding. I understand why some people are against it, but I think that often people's perception around it shift a little bit after they've had kids themselves. Not everyone, but some. Yeah. Idiots.

Nah, it's not that bad. Okay. Last question, Laura, that I'm going to ask you, partly because I've been asked this question a lot by many different people, both in person and online, but also because I've never really had the chance to talk to you about how you feel. Oh God. Honestly, about the situation we're in right now at home where my mum lives with us. How do you feel?

Well, we also can't talk too loud. She's here. She's here. She's about 20 metres away locked in her. We did. Can I just say, can I just say her favourite quiz show is The Chase. The Chaser, The Chase. It's on right now, isn't it?

And there was like five minutes left and she was about to see whether or not the contestant beat the... I didn't know! She literally sits on that couch at the edge of the seat being like, oh my gosh, like biting her nails, being like, will they win? And it was a really good episode. She was like, mum was like, oh my god, this is great. I don't know what's going to happen. And then we started recordings.

We had to banish her to the room to close the door and she couldn't finish watching her quiz. I didn't realise that, but I also don't, I don't like podcasting with like spectators. So once we hit record, Matt was like, hey, mum, can you turn the TV off and can you go into your bedroom? So poor Ellie's just sitting in her bedroom right now whilst we record this. Sorry about that. I would love to know your opinion. You go first. I think overall, especially the last two days, mum has been absolutely.

You've been here for six months and you're like, the last two days have been good. We've got a good run. Last two days in particular, just because it's been like really, really hectic. You know, we were out last night. You know, Mum did the kids. She like, you know, as I was like racing out the door, she made me a little meal. She was just, she was doing so much to make my life easier, our lives easier. I love it. Like, and people ask me this question all the time, like, living with your mother-in-law, that must be interesting.

And it definitely had a moment of adjustment. Like, you know, it's just having another whole body in the house. But I get along with your mom famously. Like we get along so well. I think sometimes it's hard for her because we often work in the night time and she wants to have a chat. And so like, you know, that's probably the only time when I feel guilty because I want to talk to her, but I have to get work done, et cetera. But

I think it's, I think it's great. Also, you need to be nicer to your mom. You're so mean to your mom about her cooking and she is, she does so much and you were like, oh, the carrots aren't cooked the way I want the carrots to be cooked. I'm like, Matt, just be happy that she cooked the carrots. I know. I do. You're like a giant child. I do need to be nicer to her. She's just so easy to wind up.

I was like, I think those carrots are overcooked. She was like, they just, like they'd just been put on. And she was like, how dare you? And I'm like, mum, I'm joking. Relax. No, we love it. But also for me, I think maybe I have a bit of a different upbringing. Like I grew up living with my grandparents and I spent so much time with my grandparents

as a kid. So even when we moved out from living with my nan and papa, they just moved up the road and my nan and my papa were like real parental figures for me. Cause my mom was a single mom with three kids. Like it was, you know, it was, it wasn't the easiest upbringing. And I got to have that with my grandparents and my relationship with them was incredibly special. And I want that same thing for our kids.

And so like, it makes me really, really happy that they get to have that relationship with their nana and they're building that, that sense of, of like, really connected family. Um, so even like the small inconveniences at sometimes of having like an extra person in the house, which is not an inconvenience, but you know what I mean? It's that's like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And I also think like, if you swim with the current on stuff, like if you want

things to be done in a particular way, like your way, then that's when you would get frustrated by things, but I'm just happy that things get done. So I don't care. Like Ellie does it her way. Cause you don't do anything. I can't fucking do anything in this house. I just walk in and I'm like, fucking dinner's there. Washing's been done. It's so nice. I'm like a passenger in my own home these days. It must be nice.

Must be nice. Laura, before we go, we do have a message from the one and only Ashton Wicks. He's having a delicious holiday over in Bali and he wanted to send us this. I hope you're enjoying your time together on this record and Laura, I appreciate you stepping in. It's tough out here on the island. Must be nice.

Hot and yes, Matthew, it must be nice. Now, I have a hack or fuck that that happens to come from my diligent and well-organised wife. I'm sure that Jess, our producer, has shared a photo with you, which is a tackle box full of snacks. Now, April found this on TikTok. She loves to find little things to make things easier. Now, this tackle box is loaded up

with all sorts of things. We've got Oreos, fruits, crackers, anything like that. What she does is she does that the night before we get on a long flight for the kids. The problem with that is it can cause a bit of a mess and usually when kids also see the healthy options and the unhealthy options together you can imagine what they would prefer. So I just want to know what you guys think. It seemed to work except for when they saw the Oreo section and were quite famished for an Oreo and one would say and I've gone to the bathroom and come back and all of the Oreos are gone, but the fruit still intact. Uh, let me know what you think.

I miss you guys very much so. And I'll, I'll, man, I'll see it. I'll see you soon, I guess. Okay. Bye. Okay. Bye. That was a really long message.

That's a long message. Was Ash doing his own podcast? It was, like, get to the point. I do know this because I witnessed it firsthand. April is very organized. Yes. And it makes me feel like a very unorganized parent. She's the snack parent.

She's got things bought and prepped and whatnot. And we're the parents that are like, oh, our kids are hungry. What are we going to feed them? I got a bag of twisties, an apple. And some lint. Take your pick. And I don't mean a lint ball. I just mean a piece of dust.

That's all you got. And some dried skin. Pick your nose. Um, we are not that organized as parents. Even when we've been on this cruise. So, um, we went on this cruise. Did you mention we went on a cruise? I went on a cruise.

When we were cruises, I went to the shops and they brought all these snacks for the kids and I put them into a carry-on bag. And then we got on the cruise. I went on a cruise when we were cruises. I went to the shops and I bought all these snacks for the kids and I put them into a carry-on bag and then we got on the cruise. And my sister was like, I don't understand why you didn't take the snacks out of the boxes to save yourself room. I just packed full boxes of like a total box of muesli bars, a total box of tiny teddies. Like everything just got loaded in because I'm not an admin person as we have discovered. I thought, I thought it was great. Your snack packing, by the way. I thought it was really well done. If you have time, bloody great. If not, just buy the kids a pack of chippies on the plane and that'll sort them out.

No, I don't think you need to buy them chippies on the plane. I just think that. Don't pretend like you do not buy the kids chips on every single flight that we have ever been on. Pringles. I don't want people to- I just think about them chips. I don't want people to leave this podcast thinking we only like feed our kids smack. On planes we do.

Yeah. And Nana does a really good job of feeding them healthy stuff at the other times of the day. No, I guess my thing is, is that there are some mums who are super organized and it helps them feel as though they've got control over the situation and they've got everything sorted for their kids. We are probably not as organized as parents. However, we are very adaptable and agile and our kids eat lots of things.

So like we can go to a cafe and get a sandwich or get a wrap or whatever. And our kids are happy to eat that stuff. You know, so- And if you see us on a plane, please feel free to donate any snacks or leftovers that you may have to feed our malnourished children. No, we sound like terrible parents. But a shout out to April is a great idea.

Yes. I think it's a good idea. Would we do it? Probably not. And I also think it's okay. It's okay if you're a parent, you're not that organized. So long as you've got a couple of snacks in the bag, some water, you're all right. Kids are fed. Very often we do not have water as well.

Stop it. Why are you trying to make out that someone's got to call docs? That's all we have time for. If you have enjoyed this episode and... If you've enjoyed this episode, go and have a listen to Life on Cuts. Great podcast. You don't need more listeners. You're like one of the top...

And you know the drill. Tell your mum, tell your dad, tell your dog, tell your friends and share the love because. Love. But please give us a review. Subscribe. Give us a few comments. Absolutely. Anything you can give our way.

Like think of the comments as like snacks for me and Ash. We're starving. Throw the dog a bone, but also do please go and subscribe. You don't have to pay for it. Just hit that little plus button. And it means any time that there is a new To Doting Dads episode, it will fall straight into your libraries. And it's also the best way to help the podcast grow. Share it with a friend. You can also reach us at To Doting Dads on

Instagram or TikTok. The email is hello at todotingdads.com. Any questions, any guests you want us to have or any feedback at all. And if you didn't like me being on this episode, please don't tell us. We don't want that feedback. It's not necessary because I come very rarely. So you can just skip it. We don't need that negativity in our lives right now. Laura, I will just say one last thing. I think this episode is episode 100.

I don't know if it is. Congratulations. No, no, it's not. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's 101. Anyway, we are doing something special. We're currently working on it. It will be some type of prize. There will be some kind of giveaway mechanic. We don't know what it is just yet. Wow, what a hook. I know. Stay tuned. All will be revealed very shortly. And until then, we'll see you later. Thank you. And goodbye. Thanks for having me guys. Are we done?

Okay. Bye. Bye. You're going to cry again? Oh, was that necessary? Was that necessary? I love it. It's hot.

Men who cry are hot. No, it's not. Yeah, it is. Then fuck me. It's hot. Men who cry are hot. No, it's not. Yeah, it is. Then fuck me. Let's go. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.