Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #104 Oscar’s New Trick, School Orientation, and DJ Ash’s Big Oops

Episode Date: November 5, 2024

Ash shares his first and disastrous gig as a wedding DJ this week, only to be saved by a tiny hero. Plus, he’s in hot water after teaching Oscar a new “trick” that didn’t go down well.  Meanwhile, Matt’s morning with the kids was rough, and he’s feeling Laura’s frustration after a charity run that's been taking up his nights. He also has school orientation on the agenda and some… interesting renovation updates. Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Matt, I just want to start off by saying it's been a really good run, but all good things come to an end. It has been a while since I've shit myself. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is all, oh god, maybe one of the first few times that I've staffed up that intro line. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable.

And if you've come wanting any advice, it's not going to happen. Not today. But we are going to talk about Ash shitting himself. Take it away. Yes. So I was here and I did say to you, I was like, Oh, I could have saw guts. Yes. No, no, no. I said, I was going to be just a little time. And I, Oh, I had to leave. I did hear you upstairs in the bathroom.

Oh God. I pretended to open the door and then I was like, just kidding. And then you were like, Yes. And then you started playing music. No, I was on TikTok. And so after I'd left, I was like, oh, I just didn't feel great. I don't know.

Well, it was a big weekend. What's happening? It's the barley belly coming. Could be. Delayed barley belly. Anyway, I'm on my way home because my parents were coming to stay with us. So they were already there. Okay.

So I was on the way home and I tried to sneak out a little far, the car and turned out to be shit, but I was more worried about, I'm like, Oh, fuck myself. But then I thought I'm going home, but I'm not going home to not, I got to get home and then greet my parents and hug my parents. After stewing in your car. After stewing in my shit. For like an hour.

Thank God they didn't notice. So what'd you do? Just beeline it or did you say, Hey everyone. I was like, you know, you'd hug with the hips out. Yeah. I was like, what are you doing? I'm like, got an erection.

Bye. It's literally like when you have an erection, you have to like hunch over. Tuck it, sink it back in. Was it a big one? Nah, it was just a little squirty bum. Little watery squirter. Little squirty bum.

Anyway, I'm fine now. It's good to have you back. It is good to be back. I've not. I feel reborn. Yeah, up until now I've been like, there's something weird about Ash. I can't quite put my finger on it. Here it is.

He's himself. Sorry, I'm so thirsty right now. I was just going to say that because I'm thirsty too. Because we, my parents come over to my house and they're like, oh, you're going to be a good dad. I'm like, I'm going to be a good dad. I'm going to be a good dad. I'm going to be a good dad. I'm going to be a good dad Sorry I'm so thirsty right now. I was just gonna say that because I'm thirsty too because we my parents come over to my house and they do love that I have a fridge full of Stone and Wood. Did your mum drink Stone and Wood?

Mum loves this one the best. She can only have one because what happens? She feels a bit pissy after and we are talking about the hinterland hazy pale owl from stone and wood actually does your mom like a shandy do you know what a shandy is? She's diabetic. Okay well that's awkward. Way to bring the mood down. She'll have a schooner of hazy bailout, thank you. I cannot wait. Put my lips around this ice cold can. Let's crack it open. And taste a sweet nectar.

You've earned that one actually. I have. 10 days, 10 days of pounding the pavement for Ned's Uncomfortable Challenge. Those of you who don't know, Ned Brogman. Just cut my nails and can't get the can open. Oh, I can't do that. Oh, lovely. Cheers, before you sip on that.

Thank you. Cheers, Ashton. Cheers, that's beautiful. Ah! Ah! So the Hinterland Hazy was a limited release, but is now part of the full-time family, Matthew. It is just bloody good beer.

And where can you get it? In any good bottle shop. And it's now pouring on tap in any good bar or restaurant. If it's a shit bar, they don't have it. If it's good, get the hell out of there and get to a good bar. And if you're still struggling to find it, you can of course order it online if you're lazy or don't like interactions with other humans like Ash at stonelwood.com.au. That is all one word.

Ash, I'm glad you acknowledged my incredible achievement of human endurance. I'm glad someone acknowledged it. Yeah. Do you know what I was expecting? I am of course talking about it's the Ned's uncomfortable challenge, 10 days of doing something uncomfortable. I got involved. I didn't. Well, my life's pretty uncomfortable.

So I'm always in a challenge. And stupidly, we were doing live streams while Ned was running. And I wasn't that keen to get involved. Cause I was like, I just don't know. It's hard to find time to make this work. I've got the kids, you know, I've got, I've got the podcast, incredibly busy with the podcast. Our friendship. Our friendship, your phone calls for a day, minimum.

I've reduced them. You have reduced them. Yeah, that's because you insulted me last time. Credit where credit's due. And then in the moment, during the live stream, they were like, we're doing, we're all going to do 16 Ks a day. Why 16? Because it's 10% to do 16 K's a day. Why 16? Cause it's 10% of what Ned was doing per day.

Ned was doing 160 per day. So they were like, we'll do 16 per day. And in the moment you're just like- 1.6 for me, thanks. You're like, yeah, absolutely. I'll do it. It's like when you're with a group of people and they're like, when should we hang out again tomorrow?

Should we go here? And you're like, I'd love that. And then you get home and you're like, oh. I'm gonna hang out with the driver. What have I done? Yeah. It's a bit like that. I came home, I told Laura.

Oh yeah. Which did not go down well. You thought you were expecting like, that is an amazing achievement. Pull your pants down. Yeah. I'm gonna show you what an amazing achievement that is. That's what I was expecting.

It happened, did it. Nothing at all. It was like I came home and said, Oh, I've just killed a cat on the road. It's raspberry. She was just had a look of shock. And I was like, why? This is, I'm raising money for those in need. Those who are experiencing homelessness. It's a huge problem in Australia. You know, obviously she not know that. Yeah. I was like, do you not care about those people experiencing homelessness? And she goes, no, I do.

But it's just like, when are you going to do this? And I was like, everyone's asleep. Well, the way it worked out, Ash, I did a lot of my running at nighttime because it's just a bit colder and just the way it works out, you know, it's an hour and 40 minutes per run, roughly. I don't want to do it too late. It's too hard. I'm tired.

Yeah. Like with the endorphins that late. It's not good. Also, when you do it that late, I can't sleep. I get home. Yeah, that's what I mean. Like you can't lie. I'm fucking wired.

I'm up till midnight and it's like, ah. And so I would try and help out with the kids. I like speed through the process of dinner and bath. And then I would hand them over to Laura and say, I've got to run now. Obviously sometimes didn't go to plan. Yeah. I'd have to leave the kids hadn't been fed. Oh, occasionally, occasionally, not every time.

Ash, don't look at me like that. No, I know. No, you don't. How dare you. I was. Judge me. That was my agreement face that not everything goes to plan. So Laura wasn't thrilled.

No, yeah. Okay. Laura wasn't thrilled, but we got it done. Finished it recently. Okay. And thank God I did because I have got the worst ass chafe. There it is. Like not to give you a strong visual.

So apologies in advance to you and to the listeners. I'm a very, how can I say? Hairy. Hairy asshole. The whole itself? Not the whole. You didn't get that checked. Not the whole, but everything but.

It's very, it's like. Like Velcro. It's like Velcro. You know what I'm going through. I do. I do. I've suffered. It's weird. I often look at myself and think if it was reversed, like I have, if I could have the amount of hair on my asshole on my face as a beard. I don't think you want ass hair on your face there. No, but the same coverage, the thickness. The thick- what? Yeah. No. I don't think you want arse hair on your face there bro. No, but the same coverage, the thickness. The thick- what? Yeah. No. I'll have to show you sometime. I can't wait to see it.

I have to show you. I've thought about getting it lasered, whether it's me on my back, whether it's me on all fours. All fours please. I'll do any position you like. It's that long. It's that long. They're like five they're like five, six, seven years. They're like really long. Yeah. Shut up. No, true story. I think that Ask Chaeff should be more widely recognized and talked about. Didn't you have Ask Chaeff recently? I did. I can't remember where it was.

Cause you were squatting and doing the self application. That's right. That was a while ago. It was when I was doing third, I was doing 10 Ks a day for 30 days. But do you know what I did? I used the Vaseline, but the Vaseline started to heat up and it felt like my asshole was on fire. It was like, I don't know what the deal was with that, but baby powder. Bam.

Isn't that a carcinogenic now? Isn't that, doesn't it give you cancer? Isn't a carcinogenic, oh that not, I was thinking of something else. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. It gives you cancer. I'm like, it's like, doesn't give you cancer. They say, don't smoke. It gives you cancer. Stone and wood. Yo, welcome. Good call. Don't smoke. It gives you cancer. Don't go in the sun. It gives you cancer.

I did it. I did it. I think we raised. And not to, I don't say this to get a pat on the back. I don't do it for the recognition, Ash. I just do it to inform you and the listeners that we raised. If you want to give me some praise, I'll take it. I think we raised, it was $12,500. Wow. 12,000. No, I don't need that. Ash, not necessary. The crowd goes wild.

Not necessary. That's very good. I'm proud of you. I saw that. So glad I didn't do it. Because honestly, man, I did 2Ks yesterday and my quads are killing me. 2Ks. Anyway, that's enough about running. Last week we did talk

briefly about how I was called in to do the ceremony music for my sister. Yes. She's just waiting. You were the DJ. I was the DJ. I got sent the playlist, the timings of what she wants to do. It was just for the ceremony only. Can I just say, and not to, not to have a go at you, but it's a big responsibility to put on the shoulders of yourself at a wedding. Yeah. No less. At my sister's wedding.

She's a little bit bossy sometimes. And I thought better not fuck this up. I was nervous. Everyone was nervous for me. Why you? I don't know. I think she just thought Ash will be there. He can do it.

So it was just to be on Spotify. I was had very strict instructions to have my phone on airplane mode so that no one called. I said, no one calls me. No one's interested. That's not true. Did you put it on airplane mode? No. Didn't want to miss a text message.

And it was going to be on a UE boom. Love that. So my job was to get there, connect my phone to the UE boom. Ready to go. I did that. Airplane mode. Airplane mode wasn't on. I thought we don't need it.

Come on. No one's going to call me on a Saturday. No one did, thankfully. But I- I thought about calling you. You should have. I would have just, everything that I wasn't supposed to do would have ticked the last box.

Anyway, so I got there early, connected, beautiful, ready to go. Started to enjoy a drink, saw my soon to be brother-in-law, you know, wished him luck, as you do, all the pleasantries. And then everyone's sort of sat down and my sister has arrived to walk down the aisle. How was she looking? She looked beautiful. Beautiful. And I thought, it's go time.

So I've gone to start the song. The UE Boom auto disconnects after a certain amount of time. Oh God. It turns itself off. Like battery saver mode. So first of all, that's happened. And I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. That's one thing. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

But thankfully, my niece has seen my sister at the other end of the aisle and had to get to her as three-year-old, two and a half year old, too. She's ran up the aisle to try and get to her and thankfully she fell over. Clumsy. Clumsy. But she's bought me some time. Thank the gods. I was going everyone, I was like, I've got this. Turned it back on. It makes, and you know, you e-booms, they make funny noises like doodly. Or like the connection noises. So that's come on.

Sigh of relief. We're ready to go. Can I ask if the niece was okay? Niece was fine. Gray's knee? Nah, on grass, thank God. Oh, thank heavens. Grass, a little grass.

And was it just, was it just she tripped on her own feet? Or did someone throw a glass at her or? Just. No, she was just running and tripped over herself as these small children do. You sure you didn't lob a schooner? That'll buy me five minutes. Yeah. And I was like, thank God.

And then after a couple of minutes, she had a little cry. I was like, keep it going. Denise did. Yeah. I was like, here we go. Ready to go. And I don't know if you know this about UiBrooms, but when you hit maximum volume,

it also cuts out and goes, for a quick second, there's a very, there's silence. Can I say UiBoom, sort yourselves out? Sort yourselves out. Seriously. Like for what purpose? If this was JBL, not sponsored by the book, we'd be fine. So it makes her doot. And you know, not to have a go at you, but you're someone who likes to do things to the

maximum. Yeah. I wanted everyone to hear. So she's walking down the aisle and I'm slowly turning his arms. And you're like, little more. Little more. Little more. Are you feeling it?

You feel it's in the moon. I'm feeling it. People are into it. Yeah. Not realizing that it's going to do this noise. And it gets to the top and it goes, and then silent for a second. And I just go, my bad. I just go my bad midway through my only siblings wedding, walking up the aisle. And then I had really strict instructions to fade the music out.

Yeah. Nice, nice touch. First of all, how do you do that? Volume down. That's what I, that's what I tried to do, but it was like, but it wasn't as nice and smooth, it wasn't really a fade. It was kind of like a step out. It was like, volume on the phone volume on the UiBoon phone.

Okay. We got there. And then I'm surprised you didn't let mid song start watching TikTok videos. That's right. My concentration is minimal. It was a short ceremony, thankfully, but then I was also, how much strength, be honest, did it take not to like lay down and start having a scroll?

Uh, it was tough. No, I, I was, I was invested in the moment. I wanted it to be perfect, but in doing so it was very imperfect. Anyway, I also had one other job, which was to help move people from the ceremony to the reception, which was a short walk. I'm imagining people at mid conversation, you're like pallet wrapping them in there. Let's go on a trolley.

I had, I was thinking, fuck, how am I going to do this? You want to be nice. Get out there, fucker. Nanogladus is like, who's this? Who's this guy? Shut up and get in there. So it's a short walk. I've decided.

How far? Three or four minutes up the road. How many meters is that? 300 meters, call it. Okay. It's not far. Three minutes for that? I don't...

Sorry. You're talking about me going into detail. I'm trying to reduce the amount of detail to get through it. Okay. It's not far. Three minutes for that. Sorry. You're talking about me going into detail. I'm trying to reduce the amount of detail to get through it. I'm just giving the people what they want. Excuse me. The detail. Okay. So according to Google Maps, it's like a three minute walk, but that's at my pace, not at normal pace. I'm a fast walker. I'm gonna get there. 300 meters. Come on. You're doing that. I'm so far. 20 seconds per hundred meters. 300 meters, come on. You're doing that in like 20 seconds per 100 meters. 300 meters, at least you're doing it in like a minute.

Yeah, if there's a beer there, I'm doing it. I'm Hussein Bald. Anyway, so I thought to myself, how am I going to get it? How am I going to do it without being rude? I thought to the great award shows of America where they play you out. Yes. So I downloaded the play you out music and I just walked around with the Ui Boom playing people out of their conversations until they eventually were like, what? And I was like, you need to move on to the next location.

Everyone's like, why is that nonverbal guy? location. Everyone's like, why is that nonverbal guy? Like the Jurassic park music. I'm playing you out. You need to move to the next location. Cause they got to get there before my sister gets there. Cause she's doing a quick photos and then she's going to do the walk in there. And that's all fun and games again. I think it's a nice subtle touch.

They had a proper DJ for that. Did you have any pushback from the guests? Just, just the ones that I'm friends with. They're like, well, this guy. And I was like, just fucking move. Can't. Of all your jobs, will you have a security guard? No, but actually that made me think about another job I had that I've never told you

about and I just did it on the side. What was it? Party hire, sumo suits. I know, I know what you're thinking. Bullshit. No, true. Very true. And it was for like hands and bucks parties.

Did you? No, so it was a friend of ours that had all had the van, had all the, had the, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, had the van, Oh, true. Very true. And it was for like hands and bucks parties. Did you? So it was a friend of ours that had all had the van, had all the Sumo suit stuff, that everything that needs. So what we would do is we would get called in to do a job that he couldn't do because

we just did on the side on like a Saturday, Friday, Saturday night. You just deliver. No, no, no. We go, we set up, we show them how to use it, and then we hang around pretty much at the party. And then we pack up and we leave like a few hours later. That sounds like a great job and also a dangerous one for you. Yeah, off for me. Yeah. Because you're like, I'll have one drink. I have like 10 drinks. I'm having sex in the sumo suit. I was like 18.

This is before he was married to Amy. Yeah, I was like 18. So me and a mate did that. Anyway, that's another job I had. Party hire. Just a man of surprises. Am I just a stripper? Not yet.

So then you say, sorry, you got everyone moved to the next room. And then we had a- 300 meters. Yeah, a nice evening. Everything turned out. So I six, I was successful. Did you, did you get emotional at all watching your sister walk down the aisle? No, I got a little emotional when they were doing the vows. Tears? No. What's that like? Sorry. What's that like? I had a little. You won't get me to cry on this podcast. I had a... No. I will eventually.

When it happens. Can't wait. I had a little tearing when my sister was walking down the aisle and she was the first one to get married. It was a little emotional. Yeah. Okay. And no, okay.

I'll go fuck myself. Okay. Well, you know, everyone's different. I don't show emotions that way. What do you mean? What do you mean different? Everyone's different in terms of like what they find emotional and what they find fun. It was a happy, it's a happy moment. And I understand. It was happy sad. And I understand that. I think. Sorry. I've just got a stitch. From what? You're sitting down. No, that might be the problem.

Sorry. I must have been like. You have a heart attack. Am I? I've never known a man to get a stitch from sitting down. Sorry. One sec. OK, I'm good. Anyway, that was my DJ debut. And if you want to hire me.

All the sumo suits. What about you? Quick question. Shoot. This is about a subject that you like to talk about. So I thought I'd bring it up. Yeah. For you, not for me. The renovation.

Must be nice. I have a question for you. I value your input here. Okay. You're a man who likes Timber, knows timber, who is familiar with timber. And so you're like the Oracle of timber. I've been profiled to be the timber guy. You always talk about at least at the same time as I'm like, I once lived in London. You're like, I once worked in a timber yard. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Okay. So different, very different. But yeah. In what way? No, I just mean different. London, London,

London, Timberlake, two very different things. But I know both important moments of our lives that we should, we should always. No, I agree with you that I talk about as much as you talk about living in London. But I'm just saying they're very two different places. That's all geographically. Well said. Point taken. Thank you. I appreciate what you're saying. Good. And I can respect that. Okay great. Let's move on. Stairs. Stairs? You have stairs in this place. We have stairs. Must be nice. Also we'll say that we may or may not be getting some must be nice hats made.

Oh, we are. At some point. Yeah. I think they can't. We've got like- That will be nice. That will be very nice. Stay tuned for that.

But stairs, okay? Just really quickly, we won't talk about the runner for too long, but I need to make a decision on whether or not you want a square edge step or a bull nose step. Okay. For those who aren't familiar, a bull nose is a curved edge. So do you bull's nose? Like there he is. That's, that's why I'm talking to you because you know everything about timber, about the edging, about the noses. Yeah. What do you like better? What is it like a full, uh, what about the option for pencil round? you like better? What is it like a full, uh, what about the option for pencil round? Now you're just making things very complicated between square and bull

nose, a pencil, a pencil round step, pencil round, smaller, not, not as sharp as a square, but not as a round because with the, with the bull nose, there's potential to slip off if you don't land on the step. Okay. Do you want the lip to go to meet or do you want it to go over like overhang? In the internal stairs, aren't they? Yeah.

Not floating like that. Not floating. They're like, they've got risers and kick. Yeah. What do you reckon? What's the Oracle going to say? I've got to have it hang over. Really?

Okay. What does Laura want? She wants what I want. It's not important what Laura wants. She wants what I want, isn't it? You wanted the other way, didn't you? No, I'm open to anything, but I've been left with this decision. Yeah, but you think that you've been left with the decision.

This is the thing. You keep getting put in charge of things, but then the final decision, you get in steamrolled. So that's why I ask with the stairs, what is it that Laura wants with the stairs? I don't know what she wants. I'll tell you what she wants. What's that? Whatever I said is what she wants.

I'm going to suggest the pencil nose. This Renault mate, this fucking Renault. Hey, it'll be nice. I don't know how you do it. I'm not really. It'll be nice when it's done. I'm never doing it. But he, the builder messaged just yesterday and he's like, Hey, I need those locks, locks for the doors. Well, you've got to keep everything safe. Absolutely. But I was like, okay, how many locks do we need?

And he's like, do you need me to count the doors? But I was like, okay, how many locks do we need? And he's like, do you need me to count the doors? And I was like, how many for each door? I'm now going to try and find locks for every door. Oh, fuck. I don't envy you, mate. That's, I don't want to be doing that. I do not envy you, but I appreciate you keeping me involved. Thank you. Can I just ask you really quickly? Yes. Have you done for school, for Oscar, have you done any like transition days for Kindy?

He's done three, four, three. Really? I went to the first one. Yeah, with him. Yeah. And that was more like a tour a day that we spent like a few hours there and he got to see the school. Then he spent time there alone.

And you're all the kids are doing that? Like how many other parents are there? April's been taking it. I've been busy, but like, yeah, like a few. And how many more will you do? I think we've got one more. Shit. I've missed all this.

I feel like I'm the... Do they? You might not have missed it. They might not do it there. Every school must do it differently. No, I've missed him. I have missed him. I have missed him. I've got orientation tonight though. Oh, with? So I'm going with Laura. No, Marley. It's a parent info night. On the first day of school, Marley's gonna be like, where am I going? And you're like, here it is. Never been there before. We have an orientation, I think next month, but I'm going, which is very exciting.

I'm going for the first time to figure out. Where the school is. Very cool. What's the, how long is it for? What's it include? I don't know. We are getting real close to this now. We should talk about this a bit more. I don't want to talk about it because- Are you going to cry?

No. Maybe I'll cry. I don't feel like I need to be any more prepared than what I am because Marley is just absolutely chomping to be there. Yeah. She's just, she's ready. That's good. She's ready. She's also, she, I think she definitely should go to one.

Do you know what she's doing? Experience one, like a half, they do a half hour, two, three hours. Yeah, I do it. But I've, I've totally, I've totally fucked next year. You, cause you've done, you've moved Kindies, right? Moved Kindies. For Lola. But then I forgot that we don't start school until Feb 10.

Yeah. It's like the 10th of Feb 2025. What? Yeah. It's called school holidays, bro. School holidays is just absolutely bending me over already. Oh yeah. Yeah.

You're not even there yet. So then I'm like, so then I went back to the daycare, she's coming on the app and I was like, hey, can we come back? And they're like, we're full. Oh, so what are you going to do? I don't know, dude. I don't know. No, no.

Well, there's only one kid. Yeah, but then like, I don't know if she's, Ash is a bit whimsical and she's, Ooh, she's a bit like, Oh, what are you going to be the shops and forget that Marley's there? And then Marley be like, man, she'll be like, Oh, shit. Who are you? Where'd you come from? What are you going to do with Oscar? Over that time? Yeah. He'll still go to his daycare for two days a week. The other one, the one that doesn't

show up. In January. Yeah. Just for two days and then he'll be with me probably majority of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Fuck. What are we gonna do, dude? Just bring him along. Alright. Speaking of kids, Oscar's learnt a new skill. Please. He's learnt how to whistle. Which is very clever because his mum can't whistle, April can't whistle. She's like what? Because she just never learned or what? Yeah, she also can't ride a bike. Sorry babe. Do you know I tried to teach everyone how to ride a bike once as a fully grown adult. She did it really easily because she's a fully grown adult and can listen.

But then she was like I don't want to ride with these people. I'm like, so where are we going to ride in private? It's at night time. We should do it on a soccer field once. Do you have any footage of it? I wish I did. I probably probably can't share that. It would be so funny.

We should try again though. Apparently there's a huge issue with this generation of kids because no one's learning how to ride bikes. Bikes are becoming redundant, apparently. Yeah. They reckon that bikes will become extinct in like 20 years. I feel sorry for all those bike people. Yes.

Yeah. But he, it's gotten me into a little bit of trouble. So I like to do the grocery shopping Sunday morning early enough so that the supermarkets are open, but the other shit shops aren't open. So people are really only just there to do. You really hate people don't you? Yeah. Yeah. If you see me in public, don't come near me. No actually I'm not that bad. I'm like, get away! I wear a mask. So I like to go early so it's a bit more quiet. And Oscar's- What time are we talking?

8.30. Oh very early. Nine o'clock maybe? Just depends on how. But I always say Oscar because he is full of beans and he just needs to go and there's not many people at the shop so he can't just run. Like run boy! Come back here what boy! But he's only learned how to, uh, wolf whistle. Now, if you're not familiar with wolf whistling, it's bang. Thank you. Not my strongest, but.

That's all he can do. Okay. So we've been go to the shops. It's quite early. We're down, I think it was the cereal aisle and there is what? No, I just, I just love, I love like. Well the sound in that aisle because of all the cardboard boxes. Like reverberates.

No, no, no. It stays within that area. Reverberates. No, if it was glass it would reverberate. Don't you know anything about physics? Sorry. Let me get back on track. But yes, it was the cereal aisle. We were looking for NeutroGrain.

And there was one, there was one lady in the aisle and Oscar has decided to wolf whistle. Good boy. At this lady. No, I'm joking. That's disgusting. No, no, no. But he didn't know. He doesn't always do. He's like. And I'm joking. That's disgusting. No, no, no. But he didn't know. He doesn't always do. He's like,

and I was like, looked at her and she looked at me. She's looked at the kid and thought, there's no way that small kid can whistle. And she's gone. And snarled me and stormed off. And Oscar's like, found the new

chagrin. Like no idea what's just happened. Thanks, bro. So I was like, fuck bro code, man. Back me up. You did that. And he was like, what? I'm like, you can't just walk

around wolf whistling people because that's all he knows what to do. You got to teach him a new tune. What should I teach him? I don't know. Just like, give him like bird noises. No, because then he'll be that weird kid who can whistle like a bird. That's me. So anyway,

Oscar's walking around town wolf whistling anything that walks past. People are confused. That's lovely. It's magpie. Is there a bird in here? How loud can you whistle? That's all I got. That's all I got. How loud can you whistle? That's all I got. What about with your fingers? Ready? That's such a flex move. Thank you. Well done. Thank you. Anyway, Oscar's the town predator at the moment. If you see Oscar out and about and he will fit and if you see me out and about with Oscar and you think I've wolf whistled you, I'm a happily married man. And Oscar's like, here you go. Yeah, he's like, you come here often. Bless. Bless his cotton socks. Ash, we didn't do the segment last week, but I think it's

time that we play... Do we? Is it a game or a segment? That we do this. Who wants to go first? Who's up? I'll go first. You go first. I'll go first. Pick your favourite.

Okay, this is from... Tanya has written in and she says, I told my kids that every time they swear, it's one less present they will get off Santa. Oh, this is good. And that's why adults don't get any presents from Santa because they swear. How many presents do you start with?

That's the questions I'd be asking you, Mum. What about I give you one? Go, go. Hit me. Who wants to hear me terribly read? Whatever feels right. I'm going to go long today. I feel like I need to make it up to you after that. Terrible.

How long have we got? No, that's funny. Did you ever have to read out in class? No. Once I did it once, I like, don't let him back up here. Sometimes I get nervous reading and I'm a bad, I'm a bad reader. You're very good. No, I'm not.

I'm not. I just think a lot. But sometimes Laura and I will read at night time and we go, we go page for page and Laura's flawless. And sometimes I'm like, oh, don't stuff it at night time. We go page for page and Laura's flawless. And sometimes I'm like, don't stuff it up. Yeah. And I'm like, tomorrow. She's like, today, Junior.

Very good. I told my daughter when she was three that I found her in the woods. What? OK, let me finish. And that's it. I found her in the woods, plucked all the feathers off her to prepare for cooking and decided to keep her because I thought she was too cute. She believed me for a while.

This lie came from her asking why I always call her chicken. I'll say good morning chicken. I'll say, good morning chicken. I'm so sorry. I missed the first line. Be professional. I told my daughter when she was three that I found her in the woods. Sorry. And that's all we have time for. So fuck. Okay. So essentially let me, let me reverse this one for you. Okay.

The daughter continued to ask her why her mom, her mom, why she calls me chicken because she says good morning chicken, which is lovely. I love that. Like I call Macy Possum. What do I say? I found her in the roof. Anyway, that's a bad joke. I liked it. And so she told her that I found you in the woods. Plucked all your feathers to prepare to cook you but decided to keep you because you're so cute.

That's pretty messed up. Well, the thing is she's going to go and tell us friends that. Yeah. But also like that poor kid is going to get a better nighttime being like, is tonight the night? If mom's like, gosh, that dinner wasn't that good. I'm still really hungry. The kid's like, ah, Yeah.

She's like, why is that oven on and nothing in it? Well, take your clothes off. Eat and you go. Hey, is this an ick? Is this an ick? Is this an ick? I'm going to say yeah. I call my kids, and I don't know how we got here, but I call my kids Bubba. Is that an ick?

If there was like a cringe button, I'd be like, it's like, it's like when we've spoken about this before, when you talk to your kids in baby. And I think it's okay to be like, Hey, maybe don't draw on the wall. I don't say it like that. I'll say, Hey, don't draw on the wall, Bubba. Is that, or I'll say, it's not, look, it's not doing it for me. Sometimes in public. No, I'll just say like, come here, Bubba.

Come here. Everyone, whatever I'm looking around for., but I wonder what Bubba is. You've got to be careful because my grandmother's nickname and has her whole life is Bubby. OK, she was called Bubby as a kid and then she never grew out of it. And friends have called her Bubby her whole life. And now she's about turn 89. Is she happy? What's like where she at?

Is she got like, just in general, is she happy? Yeah, she's about to turn 89. Is she happy? What's like where she at? Is she got like- Just in general, is she happy? Yeah. Does she have psychological damage? Is she like, stop calling me Bubby. She cries herself to sleep over it. Yeah. No, no.

So I would say it's an ick, but who am I to judge? You hate everything though. Yeah, I do. I'm a, I hate them all equally though. Oh, that's something. Okay. Let's something. Okay. Let's go into questions. This question is from Shannon.

Shannon. You. Sorry, guy. Thank you for that. She wants to know what's your opinion on pulling your child out of school for a family holiday? Obviously we don't have kids in school yet, but we can talk about the foreseeable future. Okay. This is how I see it.

If it's a public school, fine with it. If I'm paying for this private school education, that motherfucker is going to be there the whole term. But they're the ones that are really strict on it. Friend of mine, don't want to know names, my sister, Kate Cluton. They had the eldest at a school that you had to pay for, private school, if you will. Must be nice. Damn it.

Sorry. If they took him out of school for a holiday, they would get like a letter of warning. Warning for what? What are they going to do? Kick him out? Hang on a minute. Are we going to kick you out after you taking the kid out? That defeats the purpose.

They're really strict. Public schools are like, why don't they like out? That defeats the purpose. They're really strict. Public schools are like, why don't they like it? What are they strict on? They're getting paid. Because they want kids to perform, to learn, to be the best. I would be more concerned with a school that was like, you're getting a warning for taking your kid out of a school you pay for them to go to.

It's none of your fucking business what I'm doing with my kids. Next year, you guys want to take another barley trip and go away for six months. Yeah. Okay. What do you do about Oscar? Leave him behind. No, I take him out. It's no one else's business.

Primary school is the most non-critical time of a kid's life. Totally. Yeah. Like, I mean, again, we're no experts here. Yeah. But I think if you want to go on a skiing holiday or take a boat trip for like a month and it's outside of school holidays, if it's in primary school, I think up until year five, fair play. But hang on, someone's getting a warning though.

Get real. How do you think the person who typed that up was feeling at the time? To whom it may concern. They must have gone home and be like, guess what babe? Gave these parents a warning today because they took their kids on holiday. Shout out to all the teachers out there who are doing a great job. Teachers are great. That's not a teacher doing that. That was a teacher. That's an admin assistant.

That was a teacher. Well, they should be an admin assistant, whoever that teacher is, if you're listening. That's, oh my God. But I think it's just a bit much. I'd love to know from people who do have their kids in school already, like when you want to take the kids out for a holiday, do you just, do you like fake an illness or do you just say like, hey, we're taking Timmy out to go- I think that's the correct way to do it.

I want to be honest. What's the point of being like, Hey, we're taking Timmy out to go to Bali for a month. I think that's the correct way to talk. I would be honest. What's the point of being like, he's really sick. And then you see me on Instagram and I've got Oscar in a pool in Bali. Well, not everyone's got a million followers. Ash Wicks. One day.

You have a question. I do have a question and it's also holiday based. We love talking about holidays. Should we go on one? Yes, we should. More. So I was on holidays with a few different families. Come on.

We know about this. We heard it last week. Uh, yes. And they're close friends. Yeah. Um, so I've known the kids their whole lives. And my question is, Matt, is it okay for me to tell another child off that's a friend of mine's?

for me to tell another child off that's a friend of mine's. It all comes down to tone, which is one thing that you're not great at. That's a lie. You can at times be aggressive. I can fucking not. Condescending. Yes. Okay. Yes.

You have a very strong voice. I think it's a voice that you're... I don't know if you're aware of its full capabilities and the impact that it has on other people who have to hear that voice. Well said. You're like a man who has been born with so much strength that you're like crushing cans and people's hands when you shake them. Why do I have an erection? You're welcome. So you have to, I mean, I, I want, it's easy in the moment,

because I recently was on a holiday. Must be nice. Thank you. And all the kids, you know, we're six kids, everyone's playing around each other and you kind of sometimes forget that you have to talk to someone else's kid in a different tone, a bit more gentle and not the tone that you would talk to your own kids. Yeah. So you're like, what are you doing?

I mean, Timmy, you cannot poke someone's ass. What are they doing down there? You thought Timmy? Sir Tim? But yeah, how did you do it in Bali? I just yelled at him. I think it's, I think it comes down to how well you know the other family. Yes.

I think it's okay to be like, Hey, you know, don't hit people. And that aspect. You don't talk like that. I try to. Couldn't even get through that one. How many kids do you hit when you're a Bali? Zero kids. I'm joking, but they, but it was more like.

In violence against kids is not a funny matter. Just putting that out there. Just so you know, just glim up. Woo, woo, little asterisks. Continue. Isn't it? No, it wasn't like, I was just, when you've got a lot of kids on holidays, as you know, they, there's no boundaries with them.

I found, I find that I needed to set some boundaries with some of the kids. They kept coming into my villa and I'd be like, go back to your parents for a sec. I'm just, I need to do something over here. But there was a couple of times where I'm like, can you go back? Like not like, you know, and it's kind of like, is that the wrong- What's wrong with you? Yeah. I'd be like, can you give me some space?

I get down to the living room and be like, listen here little turd. You go back to your house right now or I'll throw you back there. If you know what's good for you. Yeah. I just think like, if you know them well enough and like you, I feel like same with friends telling my kids off, but I know there'd be some parents out there and it'd be like, and you would know them really well.

And you'd be like, Timmy, don't do that. And someone would be like, hey dude, don't talk to my kid like that. That sucks. I think if your kid's been a little shit or a turd, I think it's warranted that if someone says, Hey, don't do that. Cause I don't like it in my space, do it in your space. That's completely fine.

What about, okay. What about if someone would hurt your kid? Hurt? Yes, hurt. And you know, you have to play it down. Where like, say someone hit Marley, but it's in front of everyone. Everyone saw it and Marley's now crying. And they're like, I'm so sorry about Timmy hitting Marley.

And you're like, oh, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It happens. It happens. The kids are playing all the time. Did you have to do that in Bali? Yeah, I think because Oscar and Oscar and Lenny. So sorry about best friends. Oscar being stabbed and you're like, oh, it's fine. It's fine. Stab him again. That's cool. It happens. He's used to it. Yeah. I think like, for example, Oscar and Lenny, like best mates, spend every day together, go to school together. They fight. They're best friends.

They fight. And usually it takes two to tango, okay? Very rarely are you with kids that know each other, that one will just walk up and go, fucking whooshka for no reason whatsoever. There's usually a reason. There's gonna be the anomaly kids that, I'm not gonna point them out, but those kids that do that because they might be wired a little bit differently.

But usually when it did happen over there and Lenny is is a bit bigger than Oscar, would he hit Oscar or something? I would be like, what happened? And he'd be like, he hit me. Usually there's a reason. Oscar pinched him. No shit he hit you, dickhead. You do play that down. He's like, it's okay. Kids will be kids, right? If there's no other parent around in that moment, I will say, you can't do that. But then I'll also say to the parent, look, I had to tell Lennie, poor Lennie. Lennie's actually getting surgery today. So I'm sorry, Lennie.

So he's not here to defend himself. Anyway, I'll say, Hey, look, Lennie hit Oscar, but Oscar did pinch him. Just so you know, I just said to them both, don't do that. This guy, this guy, that's fair enough. Dad of the year. The first Lennny's confident again. The first name that came to mind was like, Lenny!

And he's like... And then, because Oscar follows Lenny. Does Lenny like you? No. That's right, because Lenny's mom said to him, like, was disciplining him with something and he goes, you sound like wixie. I'm angry dad.

Anyway. Hey, this has been one hell of an episode. One of our best. Before we go, we do have to remind people that we do have the competition to win a holiday to Hamilton Island. It's for three nights for the family, two kids, two adults to Hamilton Island, staying at the Sunday's new resort. Brand new. Hasn't even opened yet.

Must be nice. Must be very nice. With all the trimmings as well, we won't go into exactly what you get. Look at our Instagram and you'll see exactly what the prize entails. Tonight, Ash, it begins. The vote offs are happening. We are handpicking the most traumatic, nightmare situations that kids have put their parents in proving that they are deserving of a holiday. How does that work though? Is it head to head? You vote for which one you want to proceed to the next round and we make the videos vote off against each other. How many rounds are we going to do? It depends on how many entries we get. We figure it out.

But the winner will be announced Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. But hey, just going to say announced Saturday. Saturday. Saturday. But hey, just gonna say just between you and me, the listener, if you have a red hot video, if your kid is... If they're doing something stupid right now. Yeah, if they've shaved their head, their head, the siblings head. That's what I want to see. You know, if you think it's deserving of a holiday, just send it to us quickly, okay? Get it to us. You could make the vote off. And it has to be good. If it's good enough. Okay? Get it to us. You could make the vote off. And it has to be good. If it's good enough, we'll slip it in there.

That's what she said. Because we want to make sure that the most deserving parent or parents get this holiday. Absolutely. You don't want to miss out on it. So if you deserve it, let us know. Show us the content. Now Ash, my friend, we should get out of here.

We should. If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave us a review. Five stars. A little comment would be nice. Subscribe. That would be nice too. And join us on social media. Yes. Facebook. We have a group called Tutoring Dads. We need to accept you, which we will.

Screening process is very thorough. Very thorough. They're like, you've got a first name and a last name, you're in. Yeah, welcome. TikTok, Instagram, and I think that's everything. process is very thorough. Very thorough. It's like you've got a first name and a last name, you're in. TikTok, Instagram, and I think that's everything. That is everything. Good job. Well done. Huzzah. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Let's finish this episode. Finish this episode. I've got a joke for you too. Okay, go. Okay. Quick joke. This is an original. Okay. Did you hear that the guy from Super Size Me died?

No. Did you know how he died? No. McCollan cancer. No good? That's bad. That's how he died. That's really bad.

Yeah. Thank you. That's what I was going for. I just thought about it last night while I was trying to sleep. Okay. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.

This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.