Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #107 School Gremlins, Free Kids Meals And Push Presents

Episode Date: November 19, 2024

Matty J and Ash are having a really difficult time managing the school transition. From forgetting lunchbox week to not following instructions to falling asleep at info sessions, the kids' education hangs in the balance of Two Doting Dads. Adding to the drama, Matt has found himself attacked by a ferocious dog on a run while Ash attracts the claws of another pup. How will these dads get through the week of parenting? Plus, we tackle your questions! Is lying about your kids' age okay for cheaper prices? What are your thoughts on a “push present”? Make sure you share your best Parenting Lies with us 👇 Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Doot doot, all aboard. You do look like the kind of guy who'd be into trains. Nah, I prefer a train over a bus just because it's more smooth. Have you ever gone plane spotting? We used to walk to the end of the runway at the Gold Coast Airport because it was quite close, the fence, and... This is going to sound pathetic. We used to take people there when they'd come and visit.

That was like the attraction. What kind of people? Just people that would stay with us. We were like, you should see this. Come down and see the big flying birds that take people. There's a big bird in the sky and it flies over you. Welcome back to To Noting Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash.

And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come wanting any type of advice, stop right now. Thank you very much. We haven't sung in a while. We Stop right now. Thank you very much. We haven't sung in a while.

We have not sung. We need to do more singing. We do. Right. Right. Write that down. I need to pull you up on something. Yeah.

Yes. Can't wait. You beat me home to my house where we are currently recording. And I was shocked at what I saw on the street. It's a car parked just in the middle of the road. That's not mine. Have you seen your car? Oh, is it right there in the street? Is it? We're going to, I'm going to take a photo. I'm going to post it on the Facebook.

It's not that bad. Are you kidding? I'm, it's the person next to me. Have you seen how far across they are? Dude, people weren't sure. They thought you were like in the car. A guy was like stopped. He didn't know which way to go.

Your car is like just parked across a whole lane, just there in the street. Call the ambulance, bro. And it's not even backed up. I had to get things out of it. It's literally just in the middle of the road. I really hope someone just fucking cleans it up That's the plan but

Honestly, I thought that I thought it was play on I didn't say the person next to me is quite far over So they're fault. I nearly couldn't get out the door. You're better than that. I'm not I'm really not you look very looking very fresh. Very fresh. I mean, the pendulum swings. You know that with me. What era are we in now? Balance era. We spoke about it last week. And I am continuing with balance where I'm not drinking as much during the week. I'm exercising much more to keep myself distracted.

I'm like, you know how they give mice cocaine? And then imagine weaning one of those mice off cocaine. But cocaine's the beer. much more to keep myself distracted. I'm like, you know how they give mice cocaine? Yes. And then imagine weaning one of those mice off cocaine, but cocaine's the beer. Yeah. For the record. Just for the record. Yeah, just keep him distracted. Keep him on a wheel. How are you feeling?

I'm all right. Okay. I'm not sleeping very well. Go on. I don't know. I get like, um, you laughed at me last time when I said this. Restless legs syndrome? Yes. Yes. I get like, you laughed at me last time when I said this, restless legs syndrome. Yes. It's really, really ramped up.

You know what will make you feel better? Go on. I have some very exciting news. Before you go into that news, before I just want to wish Macy a very happy birthday. Nearly forgot. Sometimes we forget about Macy because she's so quiet. She's like, hi, I'm down here.

Yeah, I've forgotten something and she's just like outside the car still. So happy birthday to Macy. Can we just confirm, because people are wanting to know the answer to one question and one question only. Have you thrown a birthday party for the one and only Macy? No, we had like a gathering. That's a party.

It wasn't a party. That's a party. No, it was a gathering because April and Macy are a week apart in birthdays, different years. Did you have a birthday cake No, it was a gathering because April and May see her a week apart in birthdays. Different years. Did you have a birthday cake? Damn it, yes. That's a birthday party.

It didn't cost me anything. That's a win. That's it. Yeah, we had like a little gathering, but not like the hurrah that was Oscars. You've become a fully fledged fucking dad. Birthday parties and all. Stop fighting it. You're one of us now. It's not fighting it. You're one of us now.

It's not happening anymore. You're one of us. It's over. The old Ashton Wick. The pendulum's swinging. It's swinging now in favor of you being an amazing dad. Don't try and fight it. Just embrace it.

All right. I'll embrace it. I'll let you know next year when we have her. But you know what? Christmas is cancelled. Also. Tooty parties. know next year when we have a, but you know what? Christmas is canceled. Also, I must've, I must've missed my invitation to the gathering cause I must have not checked my phone because I didn't see

anything come through. I didn't even know it was happening till the day before. And there's no, I know what you are like. I didn't want to add an extra stress. What am I like then? If you know what I'm like. Well, I think throwing something at you last minute an hour away Throw away bro. I'll catch anything. Okay. All right next time

I'm like hey bro this afternoon if you can make it over to Mona Vale all the way from North Bondi I'll pack your kids up into the car and Ellie because she's definitely invited Ellie came. So you don't see Ellie there? No Then we'll do it that That was a terrible joke. I'll do it. That was a terrible joke. Sorry. I was just trying to make you feel bad.

I did lose Ellie for a couple of hours. I was wondering where she was. Look, it was more of impromptu afternoon and then someone bring a cake. And then the whole pub stopped and sang for Maisie. And then there were presents, there were gift bags, but you weren't invited. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't fucking work me up like that.

Also someone's wedding anniversary. I'm not sure if you know that. Well I do now, but I didn't. I didn't in the lead up to. I just, I've missed it somehow. It's only two years. I know. And it's just a busy period right now, Ash.

In hindsight, getting married in November was the worst month to get married because it's just so freaking busy. Like it's just, it's awful. It's awful. I got one on my plate, Ash. I think, you know, for someone who's more of a veteran, I'm like coming up to eight years next year. What advice have you got for me? Just don't forget it, bro. In my defense, I forgot, Laura forgot, we were at a birthday party and someone who was at the birthday party was also at our wedding and they actually said, oh my gosh, it's your

wedding anniversary coming up. And we were like, oh, fuck. We forgot too this year. We were in Bali, must be nice. It was the day after in April and I were kid free for a little while. What's your date of the wedding? The 6th of October. That's a tricky date.

That's a hard date to remember. And is it the 6th of October? Oh, fuck. There we go. Oh, fuck. Yes, it is. Sorry. And it was the 7th of October, and a friend that we were with came up to us and we were sitting in the lobby of the hotel we were at,

and he goes, Hey, I forgot to wish you a happy anniversary yesterday. Oh, shoot. And we're like, should we all of us have sex now? How does it work? Well, it was that weird moment where Laura and I, we both were in the situation going, we've forgotten. Like, are you cool doing nothing? I'm cool doing nothing. But then we had to keep saying like,

you're not secretly planning something, right? Like, I'm not kind of being this- And then you're both disappointed with no one has secretly planned anything. I had the president under the house and- When did you let him out? There he is. There he is.

Well done. That was, yeah, it was a quiet anniversary. We'll celebrate it next year. Two years. It's not even worthy of a celebration. I just want to laugh at that. That is such like an old person sentence to say. What? We'll celebrate it next year. There's like something my grandmother would say if we forgot her birthday. She'd be like, I'm gonna celebrate it next year when I'm dead. Oh shit. We need to make more of an effort.

Everyone does. I think just look, you're busy. You do what you can. Thank you. Thank you for understanding. Did you get some? No. Well, I'll have a quick word to her. I ended up, I had, we had time.

You joked off didn't you? Right. Yeah. Let's, let's move on. I had an anniversary had time. Let's, let's move on. Okay. This exciting news, Ash, this will make you feel a lot better because I have something to show you, something that I've been working on. We've spoken about the fact that we need merch, right? The podcast needs it. Every podcast needs to have this. It's like the full stop at the end of the sentence.

We've not had it for a while. Now. You've done this behind my back. The wait is over. Yes. It was like when I sponsored that football team behind your back. I've done the same thing. Who'd you sponsor? Well. Oh, you didn't. No, you've. I've got. No, I'm just looking at God. Just I'm looking at hats that say must be not Matthew. What you didn't. I did. Oh, I don't. How do I let you down? Must be nice.

How do I let you down? Must be nice. These look fucking good. Oh, don't, don't get me wrong. They look great. However, I don't know if you've seen the Facebook post of Hamish and Andy did the same thing. No, theirs was, um, no, no, no.

There's was lost touch with a common man. No, they've got must be nice hats. How similar are the hats? Identical to the point they could sue it. How many did you order of these? 500. What? Is it really similar? It's identical. Okay. But okay. Let's look it up. Look it up. Look. Let's get our producer to bring that up for us. Although, big point of difference, we have a full stop at the end of ours. Right. Play on. Play on I say. I think we're good.

I don't know if we are. I really like it. There it is. It's like the same font and everything. Well, hang on. There's a difference. What? There's this curve.

There's this curve. Then ours is a full stop. What we should have done is should have done the Star Wars version and it could be the Yoda one. Nice must be. Nice must be. Nice must be. But yeah, look. Fuck. You've, how many?

500. All right. We're going to have to shut the podcast down because that's the whole merch budget. Now we've got nothing. What are we going to do with them? Well, we might be able to sell them. To Hey Machine! Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to wear mine for the rest of the podcast.

Can I do that? Or we'll get in trouble. Please wear away. Okay. I mean, it's not like Hey Machine and that big of a podcast, surely they don't have a strong legal team behind them. If they come after us, it's not like Hamish and Andy are that big of a podcast. Surely they don't have a strong legal team behind them. If they come after us, it's all good things for us. I think.

Yeah. We, we actually, we need to have some type of like, we need some conflict. We need, yeah, we want to battle. Yeah. And if you're going to fight someone, go after the big dog, Hamish and Andy, come for us, we're waiting. All right. So we're bringing out a new one then that says nice must be nice.

Comma must be. I do want to put my hand up and say my bad. No, you know what? It's not your fault. It's our producer's fault that she didn't double check that. Jess, shame, shame on you. That's our producer's fault that she didn't double check that. Jessica. Shame. Shame. Shame on you.

That's a written warning. Shame on you. We'll make it work. Maybe if we changed it to, must be nice, Matt. LAUGHS Okay, right. Well, it feels quite nice on the top of my head. Well, back to the drawing board we go. Okay. Well, it feels quite nice on the top of my head. Well, back to the drawing board we go.

Okay. Well, it's a nice try. I like the thought behind it, but you've opened us up to a potential lawsuit, which you know what? Bring it on. Matthew. Yes. We spoke last week. You had Marley's orientation. I believe you had another one today.

Next week. Next week. And you had an information session not that long ago. Well, we've had our information session finally. Your first one? No no so we did we did it differently we did like a school tour. Mm-hmm. Then we did Oscar like a handover with a buddy or whatever. Nice. And then we did one the other day that was a handover but we stayed in the. The kids were in class and they gave the information about the kids were in class.

Which is a great way to do it. Two birds with one stone. I like it. Continue. I like it. No one told me how boring this thing was going to be. Fuck, it was boring. This is your child's education.

This is their future. I started to act out like I was at school again. Yeah. April sat in front of me and I was with a mate because all our kids are going together and I was just like poking her under the arm or she would like murmur to one of the girls next to her, I'm like, you listening?

Like just little things like that. I wanted to play the penis game but no one else wanted to play with me. You're fucking terrible. Also the PA didn't work. That would have just lost you straight off the bat. Straight away. I was like, can you hear, what are we talking about?

Then they went on for 15, 20 minutes. I shouldn't sledge to school too much because I've, my kids about to go there for six years, but they, there was like a big change in like New South Wales teaching curriculum about job share and whatever, which I think job share is great for the record. What is job share? So like a teacher, because of the lack of teachers there are out there, there's job share now.

So a mum can be a teacher for two days a week and there's another teacher who also teaches that class for the other three days of the week. Paid? It's like a part-time teacher. Oh, okay. So like your kids have two teachers, of course. Was it a recruitment drive? No, no, no. They wanted, they have to pass on the information because it's legislation that in schools now, it's essentially across the board, they're

allowed to offer it to potential teachers. Love that. Before, like the school that he's going to already implemented that because they're allowed to do it individually, but now it's like across the board, you're a league, you're legally allowed to, I could have that wrong. Once again, if you are a parent with a child entering into the school system, do not use this as gospel. And I look, and honestly and honestly, I cannot concentrate.

Yeah. At all. It is. It's like, obviously, I care where my child goes, but at the same time, the school, it's in our catchment. That's why we picked it. We know it's a goodish school. Like, it's kindy as well.

Like, I don't know. How critical is it? Yeah. Like if it's bad, I'll figure that out when I drop them off and I start finding out that it's bad. I don't know. Yeah. I think like, I'm not good with information. Don't give me any information.

Give me visuals. How come you just didn't? If it was a puppet show, I would have been like, hey! But yeah, it was, ah fuck it. They're hard work. It's two hours. That's, come on. On a plastic seat.

How's your back? Fucked. Yeah. And look, love the school. I went there as a kid. So not, the school's great. I already know it's great. I looked over at April and I said, this is really a one parent job.

Totally. You don't need me here for this. But then they were like, we're going to give you all of this information in a pack. Just give me the fucking pack and give me my two hours back. Look, it was necessary information. I get it. Okay. I get it. They got to do it. information. I get it. Okay. I get it. We got, they got to do it. Um, and, but it was so boring. I look over and a dad, another dad has nodded off and I'm talking swaying. He was like, I don't know if we can post a video because do we have, do you know? I can't, I saw the video and it was like someone was hit with a tranquilizer. I can't because he's going to go to school with my kids. He's going to find out he could be dangerous. But he was sitting on the edge of a desk.

Yeah, he was fully upright. He wasn't like in the back corner. Did no one tap him on the shoulder and say, hey dude, you got to... No, I was jealous. I was like, how do you do that? Good effort for honestly. And then afterwards, fuck you. That guy was full of energy.

It was running up and down. And then I, it finished up and all the parents congregated out the front of the library. And you know me, I don't really like a lot of people, you know, like I get a bit overwhelmed. Very much so. So I got really overwhelmed and I was like, I just said to April, I'm like, Hey, I'm just going to go and sit over there. I think I tried to call you to try and just focus on

one person. Thanks for answering by the way. Sorry man. And I was like, okay, well I need to just distract myself because I was feeling a little bit overwhelmed, um, with all like the interaction. And then I'm sitting there and all of a sudden the bell goes and within 10 seconds, I'm surrounded by fucking kids. So I was like, and then I came back and no one else knew except for A-Roll that I needed to just get away from the situation.

And my mates that were there were just like, I just look over and you'll fucking sit with a bunch of kids. So anyway. Do you think you'll be the type of parent who donates their time to the cafeteria? Absolutely not. They actually, there's a guy who works in the cafeteria who's got kids that go to the school there. He's a cool dude. I liked him. He was not. Probably because he was talking about food. Because they do make it sound very enticing. They were like, the kids love it when they come to pick up their lunch and they see my more dad in the cafeteria.

And I was like, really? I was like, hang on a second. You're just trying to fucking bait me for this. Oh yeah. Oscar would see me. He'd be like, Daddy? Yeah. We had an orientation this morning for high school. She just skipping it all together, is she?

Well, do we? You've got to... There are people who at the age of one and two are already enrolled at high school. Is that why when you came in after me, you waited till I wasn't looking at what you were wearing and then you ran up the stairs and I looked up and you were in a nice college shirt tucked in. Yeah, I was looking respectable.

They were screening us already. Fuck, are you serious? That is unbelievable. You have to enroll them before grade three to begin with a chance to be considered. For a particular school. So yeah, I won't say the name of the school, but you have to, there were, there were people there in the orientation. One of the head of departments was like, just out of interest, you've got some kids here. How old are yours? How old are yours? There was a mom there who was due in four weeks, who was already at the orientation for high school. Get a life.

Get a life. That's what I've got to say to that. Like if, if, if your plan- This is your child's future. It's his future, not mine. Like suck it up. And then I went to a, I went, okay, that explains a lot. A lot. So I just, I'll just keep my mouth shut now. But there was a, there was a part, they did a talk and then they, afterwards they split people up into different groups and they then give you a tour of the school and they said, listen closely right now, we're going to explain to you how your groups get split up.

And as a joke, they were like, and these two instructions, listen carefully because if you get it wrong, this is how we know who are the good parents and the bad parents. And I was like, Oh, fuck. Concentrate, concentrate, concentrate. If that was me, I'd be fucked. I stood outside and I was like, Who's the good group? Where's my group?

Where's my group? Oh my God. I just can't get over the- Dude, everyone had their like, their like student leader who then took them on their tour. I was there by myself. I was left behind. Wandering the halls.

I then like just followed a group. I was like, oh God. Now he's got no chance. Anyway, I think, okay, I can't get my head around this, but why, like, why do you want the girls to go to this particular school? Is it like a... It's a private school. It's a private school. Must be nice. And they value not only education, but co-curricular education as well, Ash. We want to give them

an experience that covers all areas of life in addition to drama, music, sport, as well, Ash. We want to give them an experience that covers all areas of life. In addition to drama, music, sport, as well as education. So giving wristies in the bushes and education, is it? That wasn't on the pamphlet. That's definitely what's happening at a Catholic school. Is the handies. Handies, yeah. That's Saturday mornings.

Yeah, look, I just think, man, both girls? No, just one. Fibicoin. Fibicoin. Who gets it? No, I reckon we know who's going to get it. I think that's, okay, but just for the record, everyone listening out there, I think for the record, that's ridiculous.

I agree. Okay. I agree. I'm glad that, but look. Also, it's quite mean. Okay. I know whose idea it was. I know exactly whose idea it was to go. Whose? She Shall Remain Nameless.

Laura? Ellie. No. To be honest, it was my sister who listens to this podcast. So I do want to say thanks to my sister. No, you don't. I do. Why are you winking at me? I want the kids, ideally, if they all go to the same school.

Oh, with the cousins. The cousins. That's great. Perfect. But do you know what's happened? All this preparation for school next year has given me one of the worst weeks of my life. Explain. So on Monday morning, I got a text that sent shivers down my spine. What is it?

It read, don't forget everybody, this week is lunchbox week. Oh my God. Okay. So what they do to try and little baby steps week in week out. I know what they do. But yeah, for any parents out there. Explain what that is. So there's certain little things, activities, milestones that they like, the kids to do

who are transitioning to kindy. This is at daycare. One of them is like you for the week, you wear your school uniform to week. You practice what's going to happen next year. Lunchbox week and my daycare for the record is one where the food is provided. We never have to pack a lunch, which is just beautiful. That task, the fact that I don't have to do that each morning, it makes me so happy. It's painful, bro.

It's fucking awful. So get this text, lunchbox week. And I also, I'm conscious of the fact that you don't want your kid to be the only one. Oh shit, hang on a second. Damn it. I forgot to upload these photos for Marley for a show and tell. Fuck.

Sorry, that's another thought. This is very classic parents about it. Remind me after this record. This is so, this is like. I need to upload these photos cause Marley keeps. There's parents out there now listening to this checking they did the exact same thing. Damn it, I always forget.

So I'm like, OK, lunchbox week. What have we got? And of course, like Monday afternoon is when I do my shopping. There's some old gold Rowan Raisins, man. So I open the pantry. I have a pack of Doritos that we were weirdly given by Halloween.

People gave out chips. Perfect. Grab that. In the lunchbox it goes. I have an old apple that's almost soft to touch because it's at the bottom back corner of the fridge. I'm like, cool. I'll put that in there as well. Still fresh. And then Marley goes, I really want something. Everyone gets something.

I believe if the apple is squishy, it means it's ripe. Anyway, moving on. It bounced. Yeah. And then Marley was like, I need a treat. People get a treat. And I thought, do they get a treat? And she goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, those chocolate cookies. My chocolate cookies. Yes. I've taken ownership of that box. I've eaten majority of them. They're very good. Marley says, can you please give me one of those? Everybody gets a treat. And I said, I think I remember getting a treat. Like you get like a little something, some, some.

30 years ago. In her lunchbox, she had, I think things have changed. She had an off Apple, a packet of Doritos and one chocolate cookie wrapped up in Gladwrap. That's a good effort. Kay picked her up. She'd eaten none of it.

Teacher had to pull me aside and be like, I just, um, the cookies had nuts in it. And then the Doritos were no good. They were like, Oh, we try not to give them too many sweets as well. So I got reprimanded when I picked her up. And you were like, it's okay. Tomorrow I'll send it with, I'll send her in with McDonald's. Um, yeah, look, we did talk about this last week and I'm last year. I'm pretty sure the exact same thing happened.

Did you have the same? No, we didn't do it last year. Oh, you witnessed it. Maybe she, maybe because she was in that group. And I do recall you complaining about still having to pay full child fees. That's right. Yeah, we still have to pay for food. And they're getting a week off food. It's also extra shit because Lola is missing out.

Lola's group, which is still upstairs, but separate, another room. None of those kids are having lunchbox week. And so every morning I pack Miley's lunchbox and Lola's going, but what about me? I want a lunchbox. It's hell. Yeah. Look, nightmare. It's hell out there, Ash.

I know it is. And I've been making Oscar, well, April does majority of, I made Oscar's lunch last night for today. What's he have? He has a Vegemite sandwich every day. Loves it. That's a start. Also, handy hint, I'm going to give you a tip. Lay it on me.

Get one of those little bento box with their name on it. Got one. You can go sandwich, fruit, keep it all separate so that the fruit doesn't make the sandwich soggy. Am I a good parent? This is all April's doing. What is this weird universe that I've worked in? No, if it was April's doing, it'd be in a fish tackle box. Yeah. Anyway. Next to the lures. Yeah next to the hooks. The old rusty one. This morning I did because we did some grocery shopping I gave her some blueberries I gave her. It took you to a Wednesday. Yeah to get it right.

And then gave her some cheese and some crackers. Will she eat any of it? Probably not. Has it cost me like $15? Yes. That's ridiculous. April does it majority of the time. Sometimes if I'm just like on the go, I'm like done. Um, but how are you sorry? Very good. Uh, but yeah, it's, it's a pain. Macy's going to that school next year.

So I'll be making two lunches. Was it you who told me the IGA sells lunchboxes? No, a friend of mine. They have their local IGA. I think they're up in Noosa. Their local IGA. It's a long way to go to get a lunchbox, bro. You've got a boogie on that side.

Sorry. I've just seen it. It's not like I let you talk to it for ages. I swear. You made me laugh. Just went, oh for doing. Clean. seen it. It's not like I let you talk to it for ages. I swear. You made me laugh and... Just went... Clint? Eat it.

Or can I just... The young boy who was taking an orientation this morning. He didn't. He was a little strange and then midway through as we're meandering around the school, I look at him and he's picking his nose and he ate it. Nice. He's hungry. Obviously his parents didn't pack him lunch.

Lunchboxes from IGA, yes, but I'll get April to send you a website that has the what we have. Great. Thank you. And the middle comes out so you can wash it separately or No one likes to show off. I'm gonna show right off. You have a video that you've been teasing I have a video that I've been teasing you Our producer couldn't watch it. So disclaimer for you right now. I don't know if you recall

Macy did what we thought was a Massive shit I showed you and it was like as thick as my arm. I remember yeah. Someone's beaten that. Someone has beaten. Is this off the internet or is this a threat? This is, so you know my friend Mike. Love Mike.

Mike. Show us a handsome Mike. His kid is- Very handsome. Tom. What's his kid called? No. Lenny. Lenny. What't say names. Oscar's best friend. Yeah, Oscar's best friend Lenny.

Anyway, so this is look just mind you this is in Bali. Okay, which also a solid shit in Bali. That deserves a clap. Also, just quickly. I did a shit in Bali. Clean snap. That. In Bali. Why have you withheld that from me for so long? I forgot until just now. Clean snap. That's very good effort.

Thank you. Well done. Well done. Can I watch the video? Yeah. It looked, yeah. I love how it starts off and there's like eight pairs of feet. We're all gathered around and like, yeah, pairs of feet. Like we're all gathered round.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Two families. There's actually three families in there. Selling tickets, front row seats. You're so proud of it. Looks like it.

Oh my God. It looks like a gridiron football. It's huge. Holy. I don't know if we can show people that. Do you know? Yeah, you can. Do you know, it's funny because I filmed that.

I filmed that. But before I filmed it, I'm in the other villa and Mike, 34 year old Mike, comes running and he's like, bro, come have a look at this. Anyway, we've all just come in and there's Lenny just like, so happy. So proud of himself. And I was like, fuck, that is unbelievable. Is that like a 24 hour period from the, how long has that been building up for?

I, a couple of days. Wow. Yeah. Good on him for getting it out. That must have been- He was so, he was like a different kid. Yeah. Up his eyes.

He was like, yeah, he came out and he was just like, I'm like, who's this skinny little boy? You didn't disappoint. Thank you for that video. I knew you needed to see that. Just a quick update on something. Last week, I carried on like a child whilst Oscar carried on like a child

during a massive tantrum, which we tried to one up each other. And I threw a Nerf gun into the back paddock that was, I would say chest high of weeds and grass and other plant like formations. Thank you for such a descriptive picture of your backyard. But on Friday, I had someone come in to clear it out. The Nerf gun or the garden? The garden.

You're a gardener. It garden. You had a gardener? It was... Hang on. No. Hang on. No. No. You have a gardener now.

Oh, and... I have two gardeners. And you fucking messaged me and said, what's the name of your cleaner? No cleaner. I opted for the gardener instead. Oh, you've got like a suite of servants working at your manor. They all live under the house, caged up. Anyway, you know how I've launched this Nerf gun?

Guess what's turned back up again? The Nerf gun. I was like, you've done an amazing job. And I looked down and sitting down there on a rock, nice and perched is the Nerf gun. That's a good Gardener. Yeah. Keep him.

Yep. He also found a hose. Useful. And a dead body. Moving on. Really, really quickly. Yep. Really quickly.

Um, I was attacked by a wild animal. Where at? Were you in my backyard? I went for a run the other day, Ash. You know I like to run. I do. Do you like to go for a run around Rose Bay? A trot. A trot.

A trot. A trot. A light. Rose Bay! Yeah, lovely round there. By the water. Just gorgeous. The sea breeze up your nostrils.

Nice must be. Very, just gorgeous. The sea breeze up your nostrils. Nice must be. It very, very good. Very plant that seed. We'll water it in a couple of weeks. Grow like my backyard. So then I'm mid run, three kilometers in, right? There's a little section. There's like Rose Bay village where there's a couple of shops.

Gets a little bit busy. But when I was running, maybe 5.30 in the afternoon, dodge a few people. I run past a group of- Like these? Cause you're so fast. Yeah. I run like you cook. And I run past this guy who has two dogs and one of them leaps up.

Right. It's all happened in the blink of an eye. It's quite hard for me to talk about because it was very traumatic. Can I get a type of dog it was? It was an English Bulldog. Little fat thing. What do you mean a little fat thing? Little ferocious thing.

Okay. Bulldog. English bulldog. Yeah, I'm listening. I'm a bit older. Yeah. Like big, big fat thick thing. It leaps up. Flies through the air.

Yeah. The owner has it on a lead. Lead snaps. It snaps or it snatches out of the tail. Well, like, okay, it didn't snap. I just made that part up. The dog is flying. Comes right for me

and bites me on the top of my leg, missing my dick by a matter of millimetres. No. You've got a wound. I've got a wound. It happened a few days ago. I don't know if it's healed. I haven't inspected it lately, so it may not be there.

Do you have a photo of the wound? I have a photo, but I'll show you the actual wound. Jess, cover your eyes. You've got a puncture. That's from a dog. That's from a dog. Did they put the dog down? So this all happened really quickly.

And I was in shock. I was there going, you know, when you're in shock and you go, like, shocked hands. Yeah, you're at shock phase. Yeah. And I looked at the owner and I went, I didn't speak. And he goes, have you been attacked?

And I said, yes. And I had saliva like all over my pants. It's pronounced semen. I've always got to go disgusting, don't I? Anyway, yeah. And he said, did he bite you? And I said, look at the pants. Look at the wound. He was, look at the pants.

Riddled with saliva. And then I kind of thought, it's not that bad. And you know when you have a moment where you think... You're a fully grown man and move on with it. You know what I mean? I always have that moment. Not the story. When you get attacked by something, you're like, I'm not a child.

I'm a fully grown man. Let's move on with it. As in like, just suck it up and walk on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. No, no, no.

Go, go, go, go, go, go. No, I was like, I was like, do I really arc up here and be like, what the fuck man? I don't know what, I don't know what accent that was. Yeah. What was that? But I was like, do I get really angry? Cause it's a pretty serious thing. Yeah.

Being attacked by- I think it depends on what the owner's like. Well, he, he was very apologetic. Yeah. Cause I'm so, so, so- It's hard to get angry at that. And also I was on a good pace. Um.

Can't slow you down. So I was like, I'm just going to let this one slide. But I did think, do I need to go the line of like, I walk my daughters through here? That could have been my daughter. I could have really made it dramatic. I could be without a dick right now. Then I'd have a crack. Then I'd have a crack.

Yeah, I kept running. I think if it was like, if the owner was like, sorry, bro, you'd be like, sorry, bro. Like, how about you fucking control your dog? Sort your dog out. And the dog also was, I think he just got startled, startled by. How fast do we go? How far, the stride of a young agile man.

I was wearing a bright yellow shirt as well. Maybe. You do like running in fluro's. Except for at night. Big fluro guy. Big fluro guy. So I kept running. I came home.

I told Ellie the story and Ellie was like, let's get him. There's a wild beast loose in Rose Bay. Do not take the children there. They'll never come back. So just a word of warning to anyone out there who may be walking around Rose Bay. There's a wild dog on the loose. If you come across an English bulldog, shoot it. Tread carefully.

Hit it with your car. More than one. Just on that. I got attacked by a Cocker Spaniel two days ago running as well. Just saying. It didn't bite me but it came after me. In what way? Well, let's put it this way. I was doing six and a half minute kilometres. That kilometre, five and a half minute. Chase me. The adrenaline is very helpful. Chase me. It was a really old cocker spaniel too. Owner was inside? I know, loose dog.

Yeah, got away. What'd the owner say? Oh, it was gone. I didn't stop. It just came after me. Little brown cocker spaniel. The streets of Sydney, very dangerous. I'm riding the dogs.

To all runners out there, be careful. Look after yourself. That's cocker spaniels. They'll get you. be careful. Look after yourself. Cocker spaniels. They'll get you. Beware. Ash, the competition. Ow. You okay?

My neck just cracked. Fuck, you're getting old. I'm so old. The competition. Yes. The hundredth and second giveaway. Episode. At Hamilton Island.

We have a winner. Yep. We have announced a winner on social media, but for those who are not aware, the winner is her name's Hannah. And I don't know if you remember the video, but her kids got messed up with a bit of blue paint. I almost thought, I almost thought this is such a insane amount of paint, blue paint that has been spread throughout the house. I thought it might've been a fake video.

I thought, I did wonder, I was like, has Hannah just like gotten a tub of dual lux paint and just tipped it over everyone to win this prize? If so, still worthy of winning. Still worthy. If you're gonna destroy your own apartment like that, you deserve a honours. Oh, absolutely.

But a few people said, we want to hear from Hannah. We want the backstory. Yes, I agree. And we do have it. I have a number. Let's give her a quick call. Hannah. Congratulations.

Thank you so much. We're so excited. When you discovered that scene, a crime scene if you will of blue paint, did you ever think that it would win you a trip to a tropical island? No, no look it almost makes it worth it. Almost. Is the blue paint still in the carpet? We got professional carpet cleaners in. in the carpet? We got professional carpet cleaners in. Well, they actually said they couldn't fix it. Had to recuff the whole house. I was not expecting that. So what you've seen on the videos is just the start of it that went through. That full patrol car went through all

the gates and went through all the bedrooms. Who was in charge of the kids when this happened? Um, well both me and my husband. Oh you have to say that though don't you? Was it a case where things were silent for a little bit? Yeah, no, no. So this was a, this happened, they must have been up at the crack of dawn. We were still asleep. The big brother got the paint out and we honestly we were asleep and we woke up I could hear that Corp Patrol car going up and down the hallway and that's when we walked into the disaster.

Oh my god. It just got worse and worse and worse. Although I have to give it's, is it Tom? Is it the? Tom, Tom, yeah. I have to give him credit for the eyebrows. I think that's why I couldn't even get cross with him at the time. That's so funny. Did he get any type of punishment for that? No.

Well, just save it up. Wait till he's 18 and then punish him. I think when you're in that situation, you realise there's nothing that can fix it. And it was acrylic paint as well. It wasn't even like paint. So, just admit defeat basically. Well, you've earned this holiday. That's for sure.

Well, we'll be honest. When we got through all the submissions, we saw yours and instantly we were like, holy shit, this one is gonna be near impossible to beat. Yeah, look, we're still finding look, we're still finding little fingerprints all over the furniture. I love that. Never change, Tom, never change. Never change, no. He's been like that forever and keeps us busy. You're very lucky. So well done once again.

Enjoy the holiday. Don't bring pain. I don't know if the Sundays is carpeted or I think it's floorboards. We'll make sure that it's plastic wrapped. Well, she was lovely. Deserving of a holiday. Interesting that she replaced it with more carpet. Did she not learn from her mistakes?

That's on you, Hannah. If it happens again, don't come back to us for a second holiday. I would suggest with children like that, vinyl. Cheap. Replaceable. Now for a serious message, Matthew. Usually this is the part of the episode where we have a segment. One hacks or what's the other one we do? Lies. But not today. Not today. We're just going to do some questions. That's a serious announcement.

I know I got really serious there. That was great. Good time. Good time. If you ever have to deliver bad news, you're the guy to do it. No, no, no. It was nice to get a taste of your serious voice for a second. We have questions. Can I ask you this question Ash? Is lying about your kid's age to get cheaper tickets appropriate? Yep, absolutely. Play on, green light for me. I did this, we remember I did this with Oscar, because at, sorry Manly, Manly Segal specifically, when you take your kid under four they're free. So I just had to convince Oscar that he was four till we got in. Do you not worry that you're setting up your child for a life of dishonesty? Like he's going to become a hardened criminal because of it?

Yeah, you know, the foundations are set at a young age. If he can go from lying about his age to being a hardened criminal, think of the steps along the way. If he can get through those, that's something that you should be celebrating. Okay. Couple of quick questions. Easter show. Can you lie? Lie.

Okay. What about restaurant for... Lie. Okay. Okay. What about... Oh, okay. Here's one for you. Not to put you on the spot, but I would appreciate your honesty right now. Okay. I think it's two and a half. Why?

When you have to start buying. There he is. Aeroplane. Yeah, aeroplane. You can do it domestically. Yeah. But internationally you can't because you need a passport. Right. So what about flying domestic? Have you ever purchased a ticket and lied about the age of your child to get them

a free seat? Because you know that when they're like two and one month, they're still going to sit on your lap anyway. Right. Yeah. And they don't ask for the ID because you just check in at the kiosk. No one knows. If they ask, you just kick up a stink. Have you lied? Untold. Untold. Untold. Untold. I don't want to dip a certain lady in our household. I don't want to throw anyone under the bar. No, we haven't. Fuck off.

No, we haven't. Fuck off. Also hotels is a good one as well. What about you? Surely? Never. Not me. Not once. Too much to lose, eh? Oh well. Can't wait for us to be a hardened criminal. Let's have it fun. Okay, I've got one for you, Matt.

And look, this one was a running joke in my house for a while. It was a joke for me, but maybe not for her. What are your thoughts on a push present? Now, first of all, let's explain what a push present is. It's when you gift your wife, partner, whatever, a present after they've pushed out a child. I personally think the child is the present.

I agree. You agree with that too. I think it's ridiculous. I didn't get Laura a push present, partly because she earns more money than me. That if she wants a present, she's probably better off buying it herself. Totally. Agreed. But I look, it's pretty, it's pretty awful.

What women have to go through. Yeah. With the whole like. But it's not like it's a non-consensual birth. No, I know. But when you look at, when you weigh up the two scenarios, the roles and responsibilities of pregnancy and childbirth, man versus woman, fuck! But when did it- It's very, the imbalance is unbelievable. When did it become about materialistic items?

Think about that. That was a really big sentence out of my mouth. And I'm sorry. But when did it become about materialistic items? Think about that. That was a really big sentence out of my mouth. And I'm sorry. But when did it become about the material things? Like, okay, why can't you just be like, you know what, you've done an amazing job pushing out our child. I'm going to do my very best now to be the most supportive, be the most present husband, father.

Isn't that just the bare minimum? Yeah. No, but why does it have to be about materials? Okay, what's a diamond going to do for you? It's not going to cook you fucking dinner, is it? I just think it's ridiculous. I think I would much rather buy April something because not because of that, just out of the kindness of my heart.

Not because of, I know I'm making myself sick. If that's what you're into, fine. Look for Laura and I, we're not big present people. Obviously when you look back at the anniversary, we got Ty takeaway in front of the TV. You know, we're not extravagant gift bearers. So bears? I don't know. Gift givers.

Thank you. Fuck. What was I thinking? I was thinking about the three wise men like bearing gifts. Yes. I mean, you look at Mary. Is her name Mary? So then she gave birth to Jesus. And what did she get? She got three push presents.

Yeah. But from, from other people, from other families, from you get a gift. It's, it's, you technically you are, I think, okay. I think if we start social media these days, if we put the expectation on couples to provide push presents, there's some people out there that can't provide a push fucking diamond. Like, pookie and that. It doesn't have to be a diamond Ash. It doesn't have to be a diamond. That's what, if you go back to the origin of it, of this whole ridiculous thing, it's actually diamonds.

But I'm certain it's actually diamonds. But I do agree with you. I think there is no greater present that can be given to your partner who has just given birth to your child than being entirely present, giving their time, their energy to helping around the house, to being an attentive partner, cooking, cleaning, doing everything they can to lighten the load for their partner. That is the best gift of all. Well said. My wife's a jeweler. She's got all she needs.

Get your own f**king present. Let's leave it at your words. The bare minimum. Yeah. If you've liked this episode, please leave a review. Hey, can I just say? I'm trying to finish the sentence. I know, but sorry. I apologize. But I do have to say, because at the moment, I don't know what's happened. Okay. But we've been blessed with a couple more listeners.

Oh, we have. Welcome. Like, we watch it very closely. Let's just rephrase that. Matthew watches it very closely. I don't know how to access it. Also you haven't given me authority to edit any documents in this business, which I like. But lately we've had a couple new people listening to the podcast and please stay.

Stay and share. If we each share to 10 other people. We'll be in a much better place than where we're at right now. Yes. So to those- It would be nice. So to those new listeners. Is that a new one?

It will be nice. It would be nice. It would be nice. That'll get them. We're coming for you. Please leave a review. Subscribe. Yeah, subscribe.

If you're a new listener, leave a review. Five stars if you like. No pressure. No pressure. And also follow us on social media. We have TikTok. We have Instagram. We have a Facebook group, which at the moment is a lovely place where...

It's a safe space. People have a great time there. Okay? Really? I'm joining. It's hard. I'm joining off the back of that. Thank you.

Thank you. We have about 2.4 thousand members. I love it. 2.4. We've got 2.4. Close to 2.5. But yeah, join us. It's...

You won't regret it. It'll be great. We don't think you'll regret it. No, you won't. Yeah. Okay. Don't think so. Let's get out of here. Let's go. Bye.

Bye. To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.