Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #110 Mystery Turds, Christmas Tantrums And A Duct Taped Foot

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

Ash is crawling his way to the end of the year after slicing his foot during a dad activity.  Matt has made a rookie parenting mistake with the girls by taking them on a Christmas shopping trip.  Meanwhile, Matt and Ash's two eldest kids are causing their dads some grief after making a mess with bodily functions.  Plus, we tackle your questions! Do grandparents have a favourite grandchild? How were you punished as a child? Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  2025 Raunchy Ranch Calendar IS OUT NOW!  https://budgysmuggler.com.au/products/two-doting-dads-raunchy-ranch  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I've been going to the toilet before I go to bed. I go like twice. I think I got my prostate checked. Is that normal? Yeah, you're in your 40s. Sorry, I saw an opportunity and I took it. Your wheezy laugh. Like I just smoked a pack of cigars on the way here.

Do you not get up at all at night? I have been. You need to get checked. Once. But also. Do you want me to check it for you? Yes have been. You need to get checked. Once. But also. Do you want me to check it for you? Yes. I panic because I drink no water during the day.

Before I go to bed I'm like, oh, better scullo. This is so weird. Telepathy is weird. Go on. I was literally in the car on the way here, drinking water, spilled it on myself. And I thought to myself, I've never seen Matt drinking water. It's waste of time. Is it?

During the day. And then you've just gone and telling me that you don't. This is weird. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come wanting any advice, no, no, no. You silly goose. What are you doing? Just no.

You've come to the wrong place. Ashton, you hobbled in. I'm so glad you asked me about that because I thought I wanted to tell you. Firsthton, you hobbled in. I am so glad you asked me about that because I thought I wanted to tell you. First of all, life's relentless. I'm just gonna start with that. Life is relentless. Especially, especially this time of the year. It's been a long arduous journey to get to December. I've got back of year fatigue. What has layered into your situation that has pushed you over the edge? I went home the other day after being, I think I was here with you, and I had to stop in at Bunnings and get a tarp for my new skate ramp that I have at home.

Say that again. A new skate ramp that I have at home. Oh wow. That's very relatable. Say that again. A new skate ramp that I have at home. Oh wow. That's very relatable. It's just a two foot half pipe. Okay. Just relax. My helicopter pad is not yet waterproof. It's not. I saw a storm rolling in from the west.

And I thought I better go and do. Anyway. So. Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself. Listen to you. I'm talking about getting the cheapest tarp for a piece of timber I have at the back of my rental property. In Bunnings you're like, do you have any gold tarp? I noticed that this one's silver.

I'm looking for the gold one. Anyway, I was under the house looking for a hammer. And under the house is just a big concrete slab and there happened to be a concrete nail sticking about half an inch out of the concrete and I didn't see it and I walked full stride into it with my left foot and it didn't stub my toe. It missed my toes and hit the ball of my foot, which then removed the layer of skin that is a callus really, is that what we call it? That's under your foot there because you're walking on all the time? It's quite a thick piece of skin.

Callousy. Removed it instantly. Like peeled. Peeled it back like it scalped me. Like an apple. Yes, like it scalped. No, like an orange. Was it one of those pains where you almost enter shock? I was in shock. And you're like, it doesn't hurt quite yet. Were you nervous to look at it? I saw it was dark-ish. I looked down, saw the clouds rolling in. I was like, fuck, I need to fix this.

No one's home. Can I ask you something? When you injure yourself in that scenario, do you have a phrase, a word that you would throw out? Ay caramba! No, I'm like, fuck! If it's a toy, and I step on a toy, I'm like, fuck Oscar!

Straight away, even though it's probably with Macy's toy. Sorry Oscar. Anyway, so no one's home, just me. I'm under the house. I've gone out and you can only get under the house if you go through the back door. So I went to go back around up to the back door of the house.

That door has shut itself, hence locking me out. Meanwhile, I'm bleeding out here. I am bleeding everywhere. Time is ticking. Time is ticking. Have we hit a main artery? We don't know. Is there a main artery in the foot?

Yes. Under the foot. Under the foot. So it's at the bottom. The Achilles heel goes under the foot to a main artery. To the ball of your foot attached to that piece of skin that's now hanging loose. Back on the concrete nail.

Yeah, so I am like hopping. I had to hop around the whole backyard up the side. My calf muscle is huge now. I'm on my right side. Get up to the front. Get through. There's blood. It's like a crime scene. There's blood through the whole house. I can't find any first aid in my house whatsoever. My wife has hidden everything we own because she thinks we live in a fucking museum. Anyway, I'm on the kitchen floor, like clawing like.

Cragging yourself around. Yeah, like Lieutenant Dan. And I come across a roll of duct tape. I put the skin up and duct tape the skin back to my foot and went downstairs and put that tarp up. Okay, not to, not, I want to give you praise. Thank you. First of all, very brave.

I'm a brave boy. Very brave boy. Credit where credit's due. Duct tape is quite, like, it's very adhesive. It's what you use to repair a car. Look, honestly, I just needed to stop the bleeding. It was like a tourniquet. Yes, yes.

By any means necessary. In an emergency, I come to the table with whatever. If you were to bleed out, like start bleeding out, I would just about sew my pubic hair into something to stop the blood. It would be a real shame if they were like, April, we're so sorry. He didn't make it. If only Ash had used the duct tape that was meters away from where he died. Anyway, so...

And then you went back and you finished the job. I went back, finished the job, and then I had about 8 to 10 beers, ripped off the duct tape. I needed the beers to rip off the duct tape. Did I? Was I going to drink 8 to 10 beers anyway? Probably. And then I got the alcohol wipes out, tried to give it a good clean up. Where were they in the end? Just in the top drawer.

The only drawer I didn't look in. The first one. To be fair, I was crawling. So I was just like whatever drawer I could reach. Did you get angry at all at April when she came home? No. Cause I guess the skateboard ramp, that draw I could reach. Did you get angry at all at April when she came home? No. Cause I guess the skateboard ramp, that's what you want. She, not a fan.

Was she on board with the purchase of the skateboard ramp? Pun, on board. On board. The skateboard ramp. Thank you. You're welcome. Was she on board? Can I only imagine right now that people listening

in hysterics. Oh yeah, they're like. He's very good. That was very good. That was great. He doesn't even acknowledge his own parents. It's so common. Look, she wasn't. She was like, whatever.

Like, we've got the room at the moment because we're like, April, guess what? Big surprise. It's a new skateboard ramp. And now that I have the skateboard ramp, I'm like, I probably didn't need this. Day one. I literally rolled up and down once or twice. I'm like, right, top it up. The kids love it.

They could push their cars and shit down. So Oscar gets on the skateboard and rocks up on his knees and we'll get there. We'll get there. We need to record at your house because I really want to try. We should record on the ramp. Yes. Actually, one thing that I've asked for from Laura for Christmas, often like the last few Christmases I've said, don't get me anything. I don't need anything.

I've got everything that I could ever want for in life. But get me a skateboard. That's what I've asked for this Christmas. I have seen you skate. You're good on the wheels. Yeah. Yeah. Bring it over. Thank you. Couple of silly boys on a ramp. Couple of silly. I'm gonna definitely injure myself. Yeah. Anyway.

Laura listening right now would be like, oh fuck. I can't wait. Yeah. Can I also just, just really quickly, I also have injured, and this is weird, I've injured the underneath of my left foot as well. Bullshit. Before you do tell tell me what happened. One other thing happened after that. I went up to check the mail, and you see how steep my driveway is. Yeah, it's like Everest. Yeah, and when it gets a bit wet, gets a bit slippery. I slipped and fell down the driveway.

On the duct tape? Yeah, everything. And I just laid there in the rain, thinking about my life. Just wailing. Yeah, I was like, I can remember. I was like, you keep it down. Anyway, I hurt my hand. Look, my hands are red.

They're not very red. If I was trust. You just flashed your hands. Anyway, no, I just, I also have injured myself and not to make it about me because it's about you, but the cat escaped. Fucking Ellie, my mom who lives with us, by the way, left the door open and the cat, it's now almost one, the cat is just chomping to be outside. Hates being inside, but. It's a wild animal, bro.

It's a wild animal. It's a wild domestic animal. And so when that door, the sliding door is ajarjar, just millimetres, the cat's like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. Beelines it. And also, the cat's quite fluffy, so you've got to keep it in consideration. It's probably really skinny. Dude, literally, as wide as your finger.

And you know, my mum's very slow. Love her. But now that she's 73, she's like a fucking sloth. She moves very, very slow. Not with a she's 73, she's like a fucking sloth. She moves very, very slowly. Not with a glass of wine, she's not. She's like, I was like, Ellie, the door. And she's like, huh? What?

And then fucking cats out there. I try and get the cat as I run up the stairs, I kick the stair on the soft part of your- The same bit. Yes. The same part. Yes. It's a hazard. We're like twins.

It's weird. It's really an inconvenience. We're here. Could be worse. Could be a lot worse. Could be a lot worse. Anyway, what's going on with you? The house friend is firing. The house for when I was firing.

House for when I was doing very well. That's enough about that. We're very close. We're very close. It's towards the pointy end right now. It's been a long process, but we're going to miss the deadline of Christmas. We won't be in before. Oh, you won't be in the holiday house before Christmas?

No. So rich coming from you after you're like, I was trying to waterproof the skate ramp, which as you know is difficult when you're walking acres across the paddock. So the house, we're down there pretty frequently at the moment. The last few weeks we've been down almost every single weekend. Oh yeah, it's a long way too. But exciting news, flooring's gone down, the kitchen, as we speak, Ashton is being installed. As we speak, I'm getting messages from the builder, updates by the minute, and bless his cotton socks.

Laura's like, is that the right thing we ordered? Is that veneer straight? Tarantula, start again. Very, love her. But she's very, she's very good. She's very particular. She's got a great eye. Okay. Attention to detail.

Okay. This poor Binda. You really are just like... I'm at this stage where like, yes, we wanted, we wanted like white and maroon check floor tiles. If they were yellow, I'd be like, that's fine. We'll make it work. I just want to tick boxes. I want to make progress.

I want to just get on with it. The white and the Ramon, you just showed me it looked pretty good. Really? Yeah. I showed you the laundry before and you showed zero fucking interest. No one cares about the laundries. That's my part. But last weekend, we were down staying at my sister's place.

The compound. Which is the compound. It's a farm, a little farm about 15 minutes where our house is. Right. So we're staying there. Just your next one over because it lands so big. Exactly. Laura even said, gosh, Marley's so good in that she's never had an accident

really that we can remember. Why would she say that? Why did you immediately touch all the wood around you? Which there would have been plenty of trees on the farm. Touched all 4,000 of them. I stupidly, I didn't even say anything. I was just like, yeah, you're right. She's been really great. Literally two nights later, as she normally does, Molly wakes up. She comes into our bed in the middle of the night and it's a bit of a curse now,

but she's always come to me first. Maybe it's because like all good husbands, I'm on the side of the bed that's closest to the door to protect the family. What? I'm on the furthest from the door in my bedroom. But that wasn't my choice. April's like, move aside. I think she wanted me closer to the window because the window is probably more chance for someone coming through the window. Do you think? And getting through the front door.

Because if we heard them come through the front door, there'd be ample time for me to jump over her. But if someone came through the window, she's every man for himself. No, because they're coming through the window, they're going to smash the window. To be honest, if an intruder came in, I'd give her up straight away. Take her, she's yours. There's two kids back there, don't forget them. Get the boy first.

Leave the little girl, she's fine, she doesn't talk. I normally try, actually that's the way I do it. I'm like, I'm going to go and get the boy first. I'm like, I'm going to go and get the boy first. I'm like, I'm going to go and get the boy first. I'm like, I'm going to go and get the boy first. I'm like, I'm going to go and get the boy first. I'm like, I'm going to go and get the boy first. I'm like there, don't forget that. Get the boy first. Leave the little girl, she's fine, she doesn't talk. I normally try, actually that's not true. Here at home, I face, I'm furthest away from the front door as well, over the bedroom door.

But, anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. So Marley comes in, and I enjoy the cuddle. It's nice bonding, I feel. You feel differently, you don't like Oscar cuddling you at night time. That's because he just kicks me. He just- He's squirmer. Just has possessive dreams, I think.

Like the other night he grabbed hold of my shoulders and was like, and I was like, dude, he was like, what? I'm like, get off me. He's like, fucking rolled over this much. Did you ask him what he was dreaming about? No. So, Mali comes in and we have a cuddle and in the middle of the night she stops and she pops up.

She goes, count to a hundred. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? In the middle of the night? Yeah. I was like, what? And then I was also like, do you know when sometimes a bit clammy, you get a bit hot? Yeah. Yeah. Sweaty. Yeah. So I was like, oh, it's a bit clammy under these blankets. She had done the biggest piss.

It was like someone had a bucket of water and it just poured. But you know when you're waking up and you kind of, yeah, not quite, it's like, it's all warm. And you're sweating. Dude, that's piss. I am covered in my child's piss. What does the count to a hundred have to do with anything? Don't know. You don't know yet.

I was also like, what were you dreaming about? And she's like, I don't know. The numbers got her excited. And then I was like, did you piss yourself? She's like, no. I was like, who's done this? Laura. But it's three in the morning, so

I'm not going to change bed sheets. You just stayed in it. No, I, I, let me defend myself. Okay, sorry. Yes. Wow. I just, Laura said, because my side drenched Laura's side, Sahara.

Yeah. Fine. I'm in the Amazon. So you all just rolled over on a Laura's side. Well, no, your Laura's like, fuck off. Get back on your side. Yeah. What? So what did you do? So what I did, strip Marley naked. Okay. So I was like, you get back into bed, put a towel down on my side and just put

two down and Laura goes, there's not much way. It's fine. Just put a towel down. I have a quick shower, hop back into bed. Within three seconds, the piss is soaked through the towel. But I'm like, it's three in the morning. I'm so tired. I was like, we're out of towels. This is fine. So I just I just copped it. Just copped it.

That's not the first time you copped it. You remember when you slept in Lola's bed and she pissed in it and you were just like, oh, fuck it. Yes. You're a trooper. I'm the piss magnet. You're a piss magnet. I can't believe she pissed on. Yeah. See, Oscar usually comes into our bed, either he can't sleep or just wants to come to bed or he's pissed the bed. So he's already pissed one bed. I'm pretty confident he's not going to piss our bed too. So he just comes in already covered in piss? No, he changes himself. Oh, good boy.

Oh, good lad. Good boy. Good lad that he'll keep me out for the next six hours with his possessive dream. But yeah, getting pissed on is brutal. It sucks. It's not, do you know what? It's, it's, it's fuck. Like Macy is still in nappies, but like, oh, when we're on the cruise ship,

I took a nappy off, we're near the pool. I was like, oh, just take it off for a sec. But she won't wear it. And like I picked her up one second and I'm like talking to someone. And she just pissed all down my side. And I was like, thanks buddy. And she was, I was like, did you wear it? She's like, nope.

I'm going to say you did? She's like, nope. Going to say you did. She's like, the writing? It sucks when it's not your house. Like if you're on a cruise ship and you're pissing in a bed, fine. And when you're at someone else's house, I was like, oh, do I tell my sister, massive favor, the fact that we're able to stay at her place whilst the house is being renovated. Must be nice.

And I was like, oh, do I tell her? Luckily, there's a protector on the bed, so it didn't go through the sheets. So did you wash the sheets? But I spoke to my sister and I'm like, I'm just going to wash the sheets. You know, I don't know when we're coming down next. And I'll just, you know, I'll make sure. She's like, no, no, no, leave the sheets. Oh, it's fine. Who cares?

The cleaners will come and do it. Yeah. And I was like, no, no, no, I'll wash the sheets. And then I was like, oh, she'll listen to this this podcast and she'd be like, that little son of a pissing in my house. Kissy sheets. Oh, there's nothing. It's like when we went to the Central Coast, remember, and Oscar spewed up in the bed on the last night. Remember? That's right. What a nightmare, man. It's just, it's not my house. I don't know where anything is. I don't know where any spare linen is. If they've got any. It was the last night.

It was like we had to get up and leave in the morning. It was just like so inconvenient. Sleeping as a parent is just an absolute roll of the dice. Oh yeah, you never know. Like this morning, dude. This morning, Marley slept until 8 o'clock. How did you- I thought she was dead.

Do you think the no screen time has really helped all this? But then the day prior, she's up at 5.30 and she's like, let's get the day started. And I'm like, why are you so inconsistent? I've just made it in the middle, 7am. Meet me there. This morning I was like, can you get out of bed? She was just a dead weight until eight o'clock. I wish my kids would sleep until like eight o'clock. I would, I wish my kids asleep till like eight o'clock.

I get so much. No, then it's, then I'm running late. There's so much thinking done. No, cause they would literally get out of bed. That is an absolute lie. Did I say thinking? I meant wanking. Um, I would have way more morning sex, just saying, if they slept in.

But I would get in it. There's no way April would have sex in the morning whilst the kids are still asleep. The anxiety, no one would you? I'm just going to say yes, because it's never going to happen. But I would just like have everything ready. Be like, out the door! See ya! But like, yeah, no, you're always late when they sleep.

You're a bit late. But like, it is nice. Like the kids woke up at like quarter to seven this morning. Because they're not, they're on no TV, man. They're on no screen. There are no phones. At all? No.

Like, I didn't accidentally wean them off the TV too. I'm like, kids come and watch TV with them. They're like, fuck off. What's that? Yeah. They're like, what's this big square thing in the living room? So what do they do instead? What's like?

Beyblades. Bit noisy. Beyblades? Yeah. They're like little, um. Yeah. They spin, like like a spin top but they're in like a stadium thing and you battle them. Are you in on this? No. Just the kids. Get me some bay blades for Christmas. I've also realized like if I want a bit more peace and quiet with the kids because it's quite noisy in the plastic stadium thing and some there's some of them are like metal, bro. Is this the Beyblades? Kids and the Beyblades. I'm like, just go to your room and play the Beyblades. And it's like, perfect.

Then I'm like, I've got the whole house to myself now, because they're in there like... What has happened to you? This morning the door was shut in the room and I was like, what the fuck? And I opened the door and they're both like... It's a gladiator to the death. Yeah, it's great.

Ah, shit! That scared the shit out of me. I think that might be Laura. Or a delivery. Shit, Christ. Where was I? April went away for the weekend. Where was she?

She went up to the Central Coast with the mother's group, the mums. Lovely. Yes. That's nice. They had a very humble, not a piss up. Like it was the lads would be like, lads, lads, lads. They were like in bed by like eight o'clock.

I bet you they were like MDMA and cocaine. Pillow fight. And they were just like, oh, we're so humble. It was just to be gorgie. Ash. Ash, come on. Sorry guys. Come on.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. That was such a wholesome start. Sorry, sorry. Anyway, so I, on the Sunday, I took Osh Oscar and Macy down to the beach solo, might I add. What a guy. What a guy. What a guy. To meet another family.

Let me just retract that credit. Take 50%. Yeah, take a break. They're getting them there and they're getting them home is the hardest part. But we went, it was low tide, so we went looking for shells through the rocks at North Narrabin there. North Narrabin is a suburb on the Northern beaches of Sydney in Australia on earth. Thank you. In the Milky way.

Anyway, I feel like I'm there. Yeah. Do you feel it? Do you feel the sea breeze? Oh yeah. Lovely. Oscar and I were collecting shells and the ones that sucked the rock or whatever. I bring them home.

Sorry. What? Sorry. And... Excuse me. Sorry. I stooped to your level for a second. Because you're like the ones that suck to the rock. Yeah, I know.

I know what you mean. They'll suck to your penis. Suck to the end of your penis. Yeah. It was like why are there 50 shells? Is that all? Cracked in half in the shower. Oh no!

It was Oscar! Why are they covered in camo? Let's get back on track. The poor listeners are like, fuck me. What are these two harping on about today? Anyway, we went, I'm just going to cut this story to where it needs to be. We were looking for shells or whatever, crabs, whatever, or bloodsuckers as Oscar calls them, where you put your finger in it and they go.

Took those ones, eh? I needed that. Did you mean to go there? No, but they're like, they look like, they look like hairy assholes. All right, all right, all right, all right. I'm sweating. I'm sweating over here. It's getting hot in here. Or did I piss myself? Okay.

Anyway, we're hunting through like the shelves of the rocks and whatever. And Oscar was like spotted a shell. A shell. What he thought was a shell. And he goes, daddy, come have a look at this one. And he turns around and he's holding a turd. What? And it was a human turd because it had a little nut in it. And I was like, drop it!

Drop it! And kicked it away. And he was like, what is it? I was like, that was a shit. And I was like, drop it! Drop it! And kicked it away. And he was like, what is it? I was like, that was a shit. He was just like, ah! And then within two seconds, he was just like, look, there's another shell. Like just completely moved. If I had picked up a human poo. Traumatised for weeks. I would be so traumatised. But I was like, it was a combination of, this is actually quite wholesome for me this this little expedition lovely call memories

Yeah, call memories were hunt shows Macy's in on it She's carrying around I lie when I say we had a bucket because I couldn't find the sand bucket So we're actually walking around with their plastic plates and their plastic bowls that they usually eat out of I was Macy's walking around with a plate and just got like a bunch of different shells. It was lovely. Ruined by Oscar picking up a turd. Nothing ruins a family day out like human shit. I know.

From someone else. Oh. Like a random human shit. Oh yeah. It must have been a dog shit. No, it was the consistency of a human poo. Washed up, do you think? Washed up?

No, I reckon someone's not long before us has gone and just on the rocks done a quick squat and shame on them. Yeah. That's like that's terrible behavior. Maybe they were hoping the tide had come in a bit quicker. Yeah. They're probably like it's hard to be insane. He turns around and sees like a bunch of kids foraging. Oh shit. What are the odds? Really? Like I was in the ocean pool once, and there was a floating turd. You know, a rock pool, it's a good place for a shit.

It was an ocean pool. People were doing laps in this pool. That's not good. Like a rock pool. And I couldn't get away from it. Yeah, because it was like... It was like following me. It followed me all the way in,

and then people thought it was me. That's... yeah. How did you get around that one? I just picked it up and took it with me. I just was like, stop me! wasn't I? Ruined by poo. Hey, I've got a story. If it's going to be about Santa Claus. Okay.

So if there's any kids in the car with you right now and you're listening, get rid of them, stop the car. Don't stop the podcast for God's sake. Get the kids out of the car and then listen and you pick them up and the story's finished. We decided that we would get the kids bikes for Christmas. I'm listening. What sort of bike? Like a push bike.

So up until now, Marley, we got Marley like the cheapest like 30 year old Kmart bike. And it was, do you know what? The ones from Kmart, they're great. They're cute. they're pink. They've got like streamers on the handlebars. They've got a little thing at the basket at the front, a little seat for your dolly at the back. But they weigh a ton.

They're not very functional, really. They're so hard. The gears are so stiff. It has gears? Oh no, sorry, the chain. The single chain. Yeah, like you go backwards and it breaks. Ah yes, the old chain and cog.

Yeah. Exactly, you know it. Yeah. You know it. Yeah. You know it. That's technical bike terms. But Marley, because she's very skinny. She's very weak. She could do like three rotations and even if it was dead flat, she could do three rotations and she'd be like,

I can't go any further. So it was a nightmare for her to learn on. She's never learned how to ride a bike. Yeah. It's like April. It's a came up bikes. That's the problem. That's the problem. That's the problem. That's the problem.

We should definitely have a time in the park where April's learning and so is Marley. And Oscar. And Oscar. All three of us. So I was like, we'll get a proper bike. Like, it's still a kids bike, but go to a proper bike store. Yeah, yeah. Like lightweight, carbon fiber.

And can I just say a bit of advice for anyone out there who's got younger kids that aren't yet toddlers. Don't ever mention something that will get the kids excited if it's further than two days away. Like two days or one day is really your limit. Kids' perception of time is just terrible. Oscar's like, how many sleeps? And I'm like, 600 sleeps, bro. 600. And then five minutes later he's like, is it time yet? Yeah. Or every morning they're like, how many sleeps was that? Okay.

How many times did you fall asleep last night? He's like, once? I'm like, well then it's once. Well there's your answer. There's your answer, genius. You're idiots, these kids tell you what. So I thought that the trouble is I wasn't sure what's, I mean, okay, in hindsight, I should have just got a tape measure and just measured the kids.

But I thought it would be nice to go into a bike shop to try to, you know, to see the sizes, like sit on it. With Marley. With Marley and Lola. Oh, double. Jesus. Got the double kids on a Thursday. It's such a... You are a very good father. Thank you. It is such a gaslight to taking them in to look at something and not actually getting it.

Because they don't understand that concept. So stupid. It's a nice teaching lesson if they're like, oh, I get, if they understand, I get it. We're just here to look and then go away and get it later. But I was saying to the kids, obviously I was trying to weave in the story of Santa as well. And I was saying, we're going to try the bikes, figure which one we want, and then we'll write to Santa and let him know which bike that we want him to make, because he's going to make them. And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, we get that. We're on board.

It's good with his hands, this guy. Very good with his hands. Just ask Mrs. Clueless. We, Ash, please. We tried the bikes on. Lola's got her bike, little pink one. Also has streamers. She loves it. Loves it. She's riding around the store. She's like, this is, this is good. I'm on board. Marley's got her bike. Not as keen as Lola, but still got her bike. She's, she's like picked it, sorted. And I'm like, great. We'll get these two.

Wink to the guy behind the counter. Make sure you tell Santa which ones we want. He was like, yeah, gotcha. And then Lola was like still fixed on her bike. And I'm like, come on. Out we go. And she's like, no. Yeah, she's like, I'm going to ride this home.

And I'm like, no, you can't. You can't ride it home. We have to keep this one. This one is for the store only. And she's like, I'm going to ride this home. And I'm like, no, you can't. You can't ride it home. We have to keep this one. This one is for the store only. And she's like, I don't care what that this, this is a display model. What's what's that? My three year old's like, what the fuck are you talking about? What the hell is a display model?

And I was like, come on, we're going home now. Both kids just started like haggling with the guy. Is the display model cheaper? I'll take this one. Can you throw on the training wheels? Get a helmet. We'll get it right now. But yeah, I had to explain to the kids like nowhere. Like just such a shit situation that I put myself in.

I know. And like you try and use Santa to be like, got to be good up until this time. Cause Santa's coming soon. I think you need to just really harp on about soon. It's, but then they were like, well, when is Christmas? And I was like, it's like less than a month. And then the kids are like, what? I've got a hack for you.

Please. You tell them every time they ask when it is, you tell them it gets a day further away. Very good. Thank you. Just to come up with that on the spot. Very good. I just made that up. I like it.

Thank you. A lot. You can use it. A lot. Trademark. Can I trademark an idea? Please. Get on the phone. Let's get on the spot. I just made that up. I like it. Thank you. A lot. You can use it. A lot. Trademark. Can I trademark an idea? Please. Get on the phone. Let's get on the phone. Matthew. Yes. There was a debacle, I'll call it, at Kindy during, well, at the start of this week, on the Monday morning, which is never good on a Monday morning. You want your week to... Smooth

sailing. Yeah. And look, people... Sets the tone for the rest of the week. Our Australian listeners are going to think about this, but our international listeners. I don't think we have any international listeners. Listener. I said listener. Yes. Just the one. Now, Monday morning comes around.

Okay. Oscar goes to a kindy that's in quite a bushy area. And I get there to drop Oscar off and the school's in lockdown. No one's allowed in. Over the weekend, a brown snake has found its way into the sandpit. Fuck! But that's- what are they? They're like the top 10 deadliest.

They're like one of the deadliest snakes in the world. And so they've gone into lockdown. This is what happened before I've got there, right? Like I sort of got there at the back end and I have heard, like I could see that there was like a bit of a congregation of people. A lot of people were like, look, we haven't, we're not telling the kids. Like the adults know the snake has been removed. Do you think that's a good idea?

Like to not tell the kids? Obviously you don't want to panic them been removed. Do you think that's a good idea? Like to not tell the kids? Obviously you don't want to panic them, but don't you think you should say like kids, snakes are dangerous? Yeah, but I think like the education around snake is fine, but to be like there was a snake here because they'll all be like, maybe there's more, you know, it might scare them. Okay. I don't know if they had told them about the down the track,

but evidently it turns out they didn't. I got there and one of the other parents heard they're like, just an FYI, there was a brown snake in the sand pit. And I was like, anyway, dropped Oscar off. Who spotted it? Who was it? The teachers, they do a morning look around. Like it's quite a shout out to the early educators. Shout out to them. They also just got a pay rise this week. 15%. Must be nice. Sorry.

It must be nice to be able to feed your family. Oh, fucking Lord. Hang on a sec. Sorry. One sec. Oh God. What? Laura.

Hello darling. Yes. I'm almost home. Okay. We're in the middle of a record. I thought you'd be finished by now. Thanks for the update. No.

We faff a lot. I'm going to be home in a second to start packing and stuff. How long have you guys got? Ten minutes. Ten minutes. Okay. Bye bye bye. I'll be home soon.

I apologize for today. Sorry. Everyone, I just want to say I'm sorry. I'll wrap this up. The snake story. The snake story. They haven't told the kids. All right.

And then I've come back in April. They've obviously posted it to the parents can see as well. And I didn't know they didn't told the kids. All right, and then I've come back to April They've obviously posted it to the parents can see as well And I didn't know they didn't tell the kids and I was later on that day Oscar was home He was sitting there were drawing and he go and I said, oh, how's the snake at school today? And he he's lit up. What I was like there was a snake at school today. He's like and you didn't tell me I was like no he goes you didn't tell me you didn't take a photo of it. I was like, I wasn't there. And he started to cry. Cause he wanted to see the snake. Cause he wanted to see the snake. No, that's the problem. That's the problem

right now. You're gonna make these kids scared of snakes. Yes. But I was like, look, if you, I'm like, if you do see a snake, just don't touch it. We have seen a snake, but I, April was like, Ash, I was like, yeah. And they're like, he, they don't know. I was like, oh fuck. So he's probably gone the next day and told all these kids. So I've let it leak, but there was a snake, but he was so upset about it. But the reason I wanted to tell the story is because first of all, I've never heard of this happening before.

And second of all, I wanted to shout out to the kidney for their rapid response. Apparently they spotted the snake, right? Spotted the snake, had someone in, collect it, and were able to open the gates at 8am. No wonder they're getting a pay rise. Absolutely. Well deserved. Also, we'll take the opportunity right now to give a shout out to the snake catchers of this country. They are the unsung heroes.

They put their lives on the line. There's no fucking chance you could pay me any amount of money. I'm not going near one of those deadly snakes. No, one wrong move. I mean, you and me, we're so accident prone. We would last less than a week catching snakes. Could you imagine? Oh, I could not.

No, not for me. We would. No. Shout out to the early educators and the snake hatchers also deserving of a pay rise. Yes. And our apologies to all of the kids that were not told about snake until Oshka told you and Keen did the next day. Ash, we have some listener questions before we wrap up and Laura's about to come through. Any second Ash, each week, you know, that we ask the good people of this country, parents, non-parents and to Greg, our one listener over in the UK, they can ask us anything. Anything that's on their mind, burning questions

they need our advice or opinion of. You have a question Ash that you want to start off with. Yes, I do have something I want to ask you. This one's from Louisa, but I also want to know the answer to this because I'm curious. Do you think grandparents have a favourite grandchild? Okay. Okay. Well, I am living with Nana, my mother. We have two children, Marley and Lola. Really? And I don't know if favorite... Okay. Lola hates anyone that is not Laura. So in the mornings,

Nana will wake up and if she says to the girls, good morning, Marley. She gets a good morning Nana. I love you to Lola. She goes, good morning, Lola. Fuck off. She's just like, don't touch me. Yeah. Doesn't want a bar of her at all. So because of that, Nana gravitates towards Marley. What about with your sister's kids though, Because of that, Nana gravitates towards Marley. What about with your sister's kids though? Which it out of all, I'm talking about all of the grandkids. I feel like Nana gets along with George. A bunch of troublemakers.

I reckon. I think they have, there's the ones that are easier. There's the bond. You do use the bond there though. Like where it's like- I think the bond's there with all the kids. But like is there one that they're like, and I'm going to tell you, and this is probably going to get me in trouble.

Go on. I only have one sibling, unlike you have like 12, 13 siblings. 16. Your mum's a breeder. Yeah, she was like a pig. Just litter after litter after litter. Nice. You could have gone with a lot of other animals there, but you went with pig.

Thank you. She was like, she lived on a puppy farm. She's a puppy. I've got a sister who has one child. Only child. Her name is Winnie. It's my niece. Gorgeous Winnie. Winnie. Love Winnie.

She's got some really cute glasses. She looks like a minion. Yes. But with two eyes. And Winnie just happens to be my mom's favorite. And it's so obvious that I make so many jokes about it with the family. How about, okay, what are the signs

of her being the favorite? She pretty much would do anything for her. I went to New Zealand with my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, and my mom. Went for a wedding, couple of days. April stayed home with the other two, as my mom prefers. And my mom carries around my niece, like she's a trophy. The family had never met Winnie yet in New Zealand, the New Zealand family.

So we drove all the way down and mom's giddy in the car. And I'm like, oh, you can't wait to get down there and walk around with your trophy. Show her off. Show her off. Show her off like this. Like, just like little things. Like, don't get me wrong, my mom loves my kids too. I think. She's like, like since, since, since they've been down here a lot this year because of dad's health,

they've bonded a lot more. But prior to that, my sister can go to my mom, hey, can you fly down and babysit? And she was like, oh, I'll be on the next flight. And then I said to my mom, hey, can you come down and babysit? She was like, I'll send you the invoice. I'm like, fuck me. Yeah. Do you think this is because, who would you say was the

favorite out of yourself and your sister with your mom? I thought I did. You thought wrong. I'm sorry thought I did. You thought wrong. Okay. I'm sorry to tell you. I had that word in half. You're like, give me your answer. Wrong.

But like, look, I'm not offended by it. I love to make jokes about it to make my mum feel a little bit bad. Is it a case of your kids going, no, no, we have a story. She's like, don't touch me. No, no, it's more like it's more like if we're out and mom's talking about her grandkids, she'll talk about Winnie. She'd be like Winnie is so cute. She says, my name is Winnie Mae Jones.

And I'm like, for fuck's sake. Like yesterday, I had my kids in the car. I had my mom in the car. I'm in the car because I'm driving, obviously. That would be dangerous if I wasn't. And we went past a street that was called Winnie Street and mom nearly jumped out of the fucking car. She's like, look, it's Winnie Street.

I was like, you know, I've got Oscar and Macy in the back. You know their names, yeah? And she was like, who? The other two. I think for sure. Okay, I'll put my hand up. I will not say who it is, but of my nieces and nephews, I definitely have a favorite. You have a favorite? Yeah. I have a favorite. I have a favorite niece. You only have one. So by default. But like yeah, I get it. Some people are more likeable than others. I have a question for you.

Okay. How did you, Ash, get punished as a child when you were a young lad? A young lad? Many moons ago. Because I was thinking about this, Ash. This is a question that I have been pondering since we last spoke. We're both of the age where we were born and raised in the back end of the corporal punishment era.

Yes. I feel like after us, everyone got soft. I hate to say it. Bring it back now. Back in our day. Exactly right. We used to get, how we've ended up being normal. And I do, I love my mother.

She's a saint. Disclaimer. God, she loved to beat us. Oh man. So my, the wooden spoon was, it was definitely prominent in my house as a child. And I wasn't a good kid. My sister never ever even got threatened with it. Actually now I'm thinking about it.

My sister was definitely the favorite. My sister was like very, she was just such a good kid and I was such a fucking pain in the ass. And they used to threaten me and hit me with the wooden spoon at any opportunity they could, essentially. And once again, disclaimer, love my parents. Whenever I hear the cutlery drawer open, Laura could be going to get a spoon and I'm like, ah, hiding under the table. It's like my dog when a storm's coming over. That's me. There's rattling of the forks and knives and I'm like, it's coming. I made the mistake of hiding the wooden spoon. Big mistake, my friend. It will go down as

one of the biggest mistakes of my life doing that. Because I hit the wooden spoon, the repercussions of hiding the wooden spoon. Let me introduce you to the hard plastic spoon. My brand. Holy, it's the chainsaws of fucking. She got it out of the drawer and it had a soundtrack. What are you going to do? And it's like, I felt the wrath of that hard plastic spoon. Well, if it makes you feel any better, Ash, you're not alone.

We are not alone. I put the question out there on socials and I was like, hey, just out of curiosity, the majority of people who follow us are of a similar age. We're in our thirties. Some of us are closer to 40. Me awful. And I said, how did you get punished as a child? And the answers that I got were astounding.

Okay. And these ones, like they are a little bit dark at times, but people all kind of caveat it and said, but I love my parents and I turned out fine. So this is not in fact, child abuse. Okay. Disclaimer. Some of these answers maybe feel a little bit better at my childhood, but I should take it away. Okay. The first one, and again, not a lot of information.

So I don't know what they did with it. The first one is wire hanger. Okay. What? That person said, they just said, but I love my mum. It's funny that because all of them said, I love my parents. Wire hanger. Matt, I'm assuming that they got hit with a wire hanger.

The whip hanger. Yeah. Holy shit. This is kind of similar to the wooden spoon Ash, the fly swatter. That's minor league. Actually my grandfather used to hit me with a fly squatter. If I was going to get hit with anything.

Pillow. This one is, and again, I can't quite, I'm trying to picture this in my head. I got hit with a sprinkler. Go on. What is it? And it says, even makes a whipping sound when it's on the way to your ass. What? I got a few people saying hose. And I could imagine, I could imagine that would be a great whipper.

Never had those myself, but I never had this ash as well. A lot of people that would have a type of punishment for swearing where you would get something put in your mouth. Soap. Okay. So people would say raw onion sandwiches or a mouthful of soap is one that we heard a lot. Pepper in the mouth, hot mustard, cloves. For God's sake, buster. To everyone listening, I'm sorry for all of the stuff ups today. That happens. Do you reckon these parents, like it's, it's generational, right? They would have gotten that and pass it down. Like I swear my mum would have been the wooden

spoon. Yeah. Yeah. I think that that you've got to learn it from somewhere. Imagine being one of those families where, one of the mustard families. Being, they're the mustard people. Yeah. This one as well, like curry powder in the mouth or soap in the mouth, Tabasco in the mouth. That's fucked. It's kind of like that old thing where it's like,

if you got caught smoking, you're like, now smoke this whole packet of cigarettes in front of me, son. Like, what? How about this, I shouldn't laugh. This person said they said and look I can laugh about it but they used to get the cord of the electric fry pan. Oh I feel sick. Oh my god. Matt a few wooden spoon ones. My mom

knew it was fucked when it snapped it had nothing left. My mum had a different one for each child. Larry the ladle. Once I made this mistake of saying that didn't hurt. Oh my God. Finally, we have the metal whisk. I actually think a metal whisk would be fine. A metal whisk? Mostly by my friend's parents.

Ha ha ha. What? Okay, we're, look, we should call the police. I'm just saying, you know you were in for it when you had a vein popping out of the forehead. I do like when people gave names to someone said there was Bernie the Belt. Larry the Lately. Very good.

Anyway, keep him coming in actually. And yet look at us. We're all fine. Thriving. We're all fine. Deep trauma. Jess, I don't need specifics, but was there any punishment in your household?

Oh. That's a yes. That's a definitely a yes. That's a yes. What did you get hit with? This segment should be what did you get hit with? That's the segment should be, what did you get hit with? Uh, with bare hands. Ah, the old bare hand. That's vintage.

Yeah, that's nice. That's OG stuff. And it's like, I'm not even going to find something to hit you. I'm just going to hit you. And also like, so quick and swift, like, whack!

Sometimes it was, it was worse when you did something wrong and then there was that pause. There was that moment of dead space where you were waiting for your parent to go to the area where the item was held for me, the wooden spoon. You hear the cutlery drawer open. They then walk back over, you know, when you're waiting for it to happen, bracing yourself. The parents then loved making a ruckus in the drawer, like the anticipation. And thinking, they were dramatizing.

This is me giving you a head start. And the hunt was on. Kids, our kids don't know how lucky they are. Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go home. I'm going to hit Oscar with a utensil. I'll bet I'll just hit him with a pillow. Little pillow fight. Ain't bad, is it? They say I put soap in that pillow.

People don't know that you're joking. I'm joking. This is a joke. Full joke. People, it's hard. Unless you're Oscar. It's not a joke. Ash, you need to get out of here. I do. I need to get out of here. The listeners need to go think about the trauma

that they've been through in their lives. If you've enjoyed this episode, any episode of Two Doting Dads, we would love it if you would subscribe. Join us on social media. Also subscribe, give us a review or follow us on social media, TikTok, Facebook. All that jazz.

You know what we're called. There's something else, Matt. Yes. You can have us in your house. Wow. What a treat. How, you might ask? How? We have Raunchy Ranch.

Yes. 2025, we have gone one step further, made a calendar that's even sexier than Chorplay last year. I don't know how that's possible, but we made it possible. With the help of Farm Animals, Ash, it's just shy of 30 bucks. It is from the budget smuggler website. And 100% of proceeds of the sale of the calendar are going to a really amazing charity called Rise Up.

They work with victims of domestic violence. So it's a great, great cause. So if it wasn't enticing enough, the fact that Ash and I are semi-naked in your house, the fact that the money raised is going to such an awesome charity should be enough. Surely. To want to make you purchase. But there's only a few hundred available, so buy them before they sell out. We don't want to hear disappointed listeners who missed out because there were a few last year.

Yeah, so that's budgetspunkable.com.au The link is in the show notes. We will get out of here. few last year. Yes. So that's budgiespangola.com.aq. The link is in the show notes. We will get out of here. Let's go. Goodbye. Goodbye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.