Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #111 The Cicadas Are Tearing My Family Apart!

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

Ash threatens to move his entire family again as an army of cicadas takes over his household.  Matt sends his daughter Lola into a headspin after dropping her off at gymnastics during a power nap.  Plus, we tackle your questions! What’s your ultimate test for whether a babysitter is good? If there’s a queue at the park…What is a reasonable amount of time you can spend on the swing? Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  2025 Raunchy Ranch Calendar IS OUT NOW!  https://budgysmuggler.com.au/products/two-doting-dads-raunchy-ranch  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Matthew, I need to move again. I cannot stand the cicadas. It's deafening. Do you know what? Every time you do a video, all I can hear is like, Welcome to my life. I can't even hear that. I've just put it there.

I can even comment on your videos. I'm like, shout out to the cicadas, the real heroes. I put all your comments on hide. I walked down to put the rubbish out and I was like, oh, I had to run back inside. I'm like, ah, it's like a dog. We're under attack. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads.

I'm Matty J. I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the cicadas. And most importantly, no advice. Apparently, and I will fact check this, but apparently they live on the ground for seven years and they live for a day above ground. One day?

Yeah, yeah. There have been recorded situations. I don't know how they record that. How the fuck do they do that? Someone's just literally somewhere on earth making up facts, I reckon. They're like, you know what? I feel like making a fact today. Sikandars live for 12,000 years underground.

We've studied it. Who did? We did. Who's we? Shut up. None of your business. They are very loud this time of year. It's deafening. I'm going to have to move. Where are you going to move to? I feel like they're everywhere.

Oh, I don't know. So we had what? Weekend of rain. And then Monday morning comes along and it's 32 degrees or something. And they're obviously been like, we missed the whole weekend because it was raining. And then they're like, extra loud. Yeah. And I was like,

it's ruining your content. It is. I can't hear you talk. I know. You're just going, I know. Yesterday I made a video and I shut all the windows and doors. Then it's so hot.

Yeah, was while I made it. But then also I was eating dinner with like, we were last night and we were like, the cicadas are so loud I can't even hear if the kids are crying or whatever. Like it is horrendous. They're like, dad we're hungry. I can't hear anything kids, sorry. It is so, it's unbelievable. Can we just talk about that rain on Sunday? The Sunday rain or the Saturday rain? Did it rain up near you guys? In the country? Yeah. In the paddock? In your fields? It rained a lot. It was more Saturday, Friday. Sunday rain. It was torrential. Do you know what? Was it? In the afternoon? Yeah, dude.

Just like a flash flood? Flash flooding. It was like end of the world was happening. You know what's really unfortunate with that scenario. We had to go to a baby shower. And very good. Thank you. I was like pretty much 90% ready, right? Laura had a phone call to make. She got ready and ran down the stairs. I didn't have my shoes or my shirt on. She's like, we're going to be late. Couldn't find my shoes. By the time I found my shoes, the downpour had begun. And it was, it was unbelievable, dude. It was like the thickest rain, the heaviest droplets you've ever seen. I woke me up from my midday nap, actually.

Oh, must be nice. The whole family had a Sunday nap. We finally got in the car. Kids thought they were like going to drown. Oh it was so heavy. Dude it was knee deep water. In the little key car that we had, we were behind a Range Rover and Laura was following it. I was like turn around, turn around and Marley was like are we going to die?

I was like yes! Very likely. You just go like, you're like looking through the windscreen and things like, oh dude, it was full on. Because we live on the hills. No flooding. Oh, the peasants down the bottom. The peasants down the bottom would have been drenched. How's the skate ramp?

It's got a tarp over it. It's holding? That's a tarp waterproof? Yeah, yes and no. It could be worse. It's not that bad, but I need to paint it. What for? To protect it. Gosh, never ends, does it?

Housework never ends, my friend. Guy, when he dropped it off, was like, make sure you cover it up and paint it as soon as possible. We've got heaps of weather coming. That was two weeks ago. And you were like, shut up! Don't tell me what you're doing. I did take the kids to the shops to do the big shop. Solo over the weekend. Give Abel a chance to clean the house up. The kids weren't there. Because usually I go Sunday morning.

And I go with one kid. It's just easier. It's quiet. But I thought I'll be a good guy. And take both kids. And I don't know if you know that the weekend just gone was all these Black Friday sales and stuff. It was fucking chaos.

Black Friday. Very busy. Very busy. Did the shopping and then I was like, okay we might as well have lunch fucking chaos. Black Friday, very busy. Very busy. Very busy. Did the shopping and then I was like, okay, we might as well have lunch down here. And the kids wanted sushi. Great. They love it. What do they have?

So Oscar is a baby avocado roll sort of guy. Yeah. He looks like that kind of guy. He does. Yeah. What's that supposed to mean? I think. What's the main ingredients?

Can I guess? Can I guess? Yes. Can I guess? Cooked tuna. Wrong. Salmon. Wrong.

Cucumber. Wrong. Cucumber. Wrong. Cucumber is solid water. That's all it is. Shout out to Lola. She likes just the karage chicken on its own. Karage chicken? It's like deep fried chicken. Yeah. Oh cool. Ah.

And she likes a bit of rice. She doesn't like any sauce. And she'll specifically tell you that a lot of times. No sauce. Exactly like that. How does she talk? Like a little Asian lady. Had some sushi and we sat down in the food court and then a lovely old gentleman sat down at the table next to us and was like, oh the kids love sushi and bonding over dad with his kids talking to us. He was another dad. No, no, no. He was just on his

own, some old guy. Might have been a grandfather or something, but he was so impressed. He got the impression that I'm, was a single dad. Like the only reason why you would be out with your kids is because you're like divorced or widowed. So he was like- Can men be widowed? Yeah. He was like really sweet with the kids, but also asking me prying questions about like where mum could be. Are you gay?

You interested? You looking? Oh, you know, like it's so nice seeing, you know, young dad out with his kids and then like, you know, like, what do you do for work? And he was like, where's mom? Like a little prying question. How did you answer the work question? I'm an influencer. Fuck is hard. I just told him I'm in construction. Don't be ashamed of who you are. I am. I am ashamed. Usually with older people, I just go, I'm in radio. And they're like, oh, I get it. Well, how did you answer Wes, as your wife?

I was like, yeah, mom's got the day off, joking like that. And then it got to the point where he got a little bit more direct. Oh, you know, so it's just, you're just solo with the kids. He was hitting on you, dude. Oh, you know, so it's just, you just solo with the kids. Say he was hitting on you, dude. Oh, was he? I think so. I was like, yeah. And he was like, so what do you get?

You know, once you get them on the weekends, what do you squat? I sort of know he was like, so you get them on the weekends every fortnight. And I was like, what? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, at home trying to explain to him. And it was like, just like this real awkward moment where he would just assume that for any dad to be solo with their kids, they would have had to be divorced. And I was kind of like, I don't want to explain to him how much more hands on we are now. Also, like, it's good to know we know how low the bar is. All I've got to do is take him out to do the weekly shop. And they're like, oh my God.

Grandad's just can't comprehend. He was rattled. Is your wife okay? That's what he was like. Is she sick? I'll give you some money. Yeah, yeah. He was kind of like,

where is she waiting for her to pop out? Yeah. And I was like, your wife's taking a long time. I know. And she's at home. Yeah. She's in a wheelchair? No, dude.

She's just at home. Cleaning the house. That's where she should be. That's in a wheelchair. You're like, no. No, dude. She's just at home. Cleaning the house. That's where she should be. That's not it. Imagine him at lawn bowls. He'd be like, fellas, you wouldn't believe what I saw. A dad with his kids and he wasn't divorced. I know.

Everyone's like, no, surely not Jim. And we were like, OK, we're finished. I finished up and I was like, put everything in the bin. Came back and said, oh, let's go kids up and I was like put everything in the bin. Okay, let's go kids And it was like he was like bye guys and I was like Oscar say goodbye to the confused man That was cuz I hi Like what was I'm broken family? What's more confusing than anything else is the fact that you're talking to a stranger in public He's talking to me. I

Tried so many times to like- Wrap this up. No, shift my shoulder. Like I was like, it was like a round table. Which with round tables, there's no direction. There's no way out. Square? I'm talking to you. You need the corners.

If this is round, I could be talking to anyone. Yeah. So I was like trying to shift my shoulders and be like- Hahaha! Good point for anyone who wants to speak to Ash in public. Get him at a round table. I asked him to go round the circle. I killed his heel.

He goes, I like the sushi to that. I was like, yeah, yeah. What a weird thing. That's a, that's, that's weird small talk. Something's up. Something's... It was weird. But anyway, I, he's been parked at the front of my house for the last two weeks.

He was confused. I got in trouble on the weekend. Used a term on my niece that I shouldn't use. I now know I shouldn't use. It's harmless. I was getting the kids. We were down the farm. Obviously, yeah.

Did they all go as well? They were down there. So we went down. Nice for the kids. So they were down there on their farm. You were down there. So we went down. Nice for the kids. So they were down there on their farm. You were down there on your farm. Sort of farm at the house. I'm beginning to believe it's a farm.

She, my sister now has 50 head of cattle on their farm, raising cattle. How do they come when they buy 50? Are they small? In a box like puppies? No, you buy, you buy for anyone wondering, anyone who wants to start a farm. I'm thinking about it. Okay. So you get Black Angus. Ash is very good. Delicious.

Very delicious. So they bought 25 mummy. Do they just bury the stakes in the ground and they grow cows? Does that work? That is a terrible joke. And I won't even give you a sympathy laugh. Come on. That is a terrible joke. And I won't even give you a sympathy laugh. Come on. You get 25 mums, 25 calves, right? And then, and then I'm like so close to starting like a cattle farm.

With those calves, you then fatten them up and then like you can, you like fatten them up for six months and then you sell them off to the abattoir. Delicious. 25 calves, 12 go get fattened up for six months and then you sell them off to the abattoir. Delicious. 25 calves, 12 go get fattened up for six months, then get sold. The other 12 or 13, you then maybe breed them, you know, bringing a bull. This is like a maths question. It was like Johnny had 12. Yeah.

So how many cows will make it to motherhood? So they, you, uh, okay. Because with any, they're not pets. Livestock and pets different. Marley and Lola haven't quite distinguished. So are they rescue cows? No, you buy them. You buy them as fully grown cows.

Yeah, you buy 25 mummy cows. How old's a mummy cow? Don't know. Three years? Four years? I'm confused. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know who you buy them off. I'll find out. I'll get back to you next week. Yeah, please. More on how to raise cattle and start a farm.

Who's going to look after them? Look at a farm hand. You get a farm hand. Yeah. But what? But my, I'll wrap this up because people probably like, what the fuck are they talking about? A hand? A farm hand. Like a helper. You get a farm hand. Just a hand.

Just a big hand. Big hand. It's in the paddock and it just waves at the cows. So, okay. So like a, like a. Well, my sister's husband is from Orange and they used to raise cattle. So much happening here. There is so much to unpack. So they, they've now like, they're now entering the cattle world because it comes from a cattle family. Okay. So he knows what he's doing. So they're going to be beef cows. Black Angus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not dairy. No dairy. No dairy. Not today. Maybe in the future. Do cows drink water? Love water. Big fans. Okay. They don't drink milk though, do they? Only when they're calves. What's mad cow disease? It originated. All right. Sorry. Okay. So we got a little bit off topic there.

A little bit off topic. I'm fascinated. We don't know much at all. Not at all. Yeah. This is, I, you can imagine how useless I am on the farm. Sorry. Well, yeah. So we're on the farm. Yes. We're on the farm. Kids are all going to bed. All hands on deck. Everyone's helping out. My sister has three kids for reference. All around you the ages of like four to eight. Buried ages. Buried ages. I was calling one of the kids, my niece, a name. Right? And then as they were in bed, she was crying. Who was crying?

My niece. And my sister goes in and she's like, what's wrong? She snitched. Well, I was like, I've done nothing. I haven't hit a child yet. But- Did you do the flinch test on it? She goes, I don't have a stinky bottom bum. And she's like, what do you mean? She's like, Uncle Matt's been calling me stink bum.

I know my- There's nothing wrong with that. Come here, stink bum. That's a cute little nickname. Yeah. It's like we think it's really cute, but they take everything so literally. She's like, I wiped my bottom and I had a shower and I don't stink. It's like when I farted around Oscar and I'm like, that was Oscar. And he's like, no, it wasn't. I'm like, yeah, well, it was good.

Take everything so literally. So a little tip for anyone out there who may be an uncle, auntie, and language is very important. They take the words very literally. Also, you're trying to be the fun. Come here, stinky bar. Hey, stinky bar. She's like, oh my God. Come here, human feces. What's that smell? It's just stinky bar. You're essentially bullying your nieces and nephews. Yeah. What did your sister say? Uh, she was like, she was like, it's okay.

It's okay. Don't fucking call her that again. She'll be out with the cattle. She'd be pretty tough. Your sister, I reckon she'd have been like, listen here, girl. Very tough. Yeah, they're farmers. They're farmers now. See all that cattle out there.

That's how tough we are. Yeah. Something else happened on the weekend. Okay. Wow. Eventful. Just really, really quickly. Lola, Ash, Lola's pregnant.

Well, it was only a matter of time. Didn't think we'd be here at three. No, she's pregnant. Great. Often I wake up and Nana will be downstairs and I can hear them having conversations, Nana and the kids. And it's beautiful. It's nice.

You want them to have that connection. You want your grandparents to have a big role. Is Nana an early riser? Not really. She hates it. What's she doing up there? Don't know. Just some mornings, I think the kids will just go in there and be like, get up, get out of here, drag her out of bed.

Uh, one morning, for example, Nana was talking to the kids about death. You know, talking to them. As you do. Big topics, big life conversations that happened in the morning with Nana and the kids, but she was saying, you know, we're far, Laura's stepdad is passed away. So sometimes the kids will be like, well, it's fine. You say, oh, you know, far has gone to heaven. He's a star now.

And, um, and then another morning, I now know that mum was telling the kids about where babies come from. Yeah. I know this one. There's not a multi-purpose hole. Well, is it? There's not a multi-purpose hole. Well, is it? Nana's given too much information, I think, for a three year old to comprehend.

So in the conversation, she's explained to Lola that you were born as a female with all of your eggs inside you. Is that not right? That's true. That's right? That's true. That's true. That's true. That's true. So Lola's, I thought I knew this one, but I don't.

You're looking your face right now is. I'm learning. Yeah. I'll explain to you. Lola's taken that. I mean, I've got my eggs inside of me. She's like, Oh, I'm pregnant. So Lola's like, whenever she meets anyone new, she's like, exciting news.

I'm pregnant. Oh my God. They're inside of me. And so Nana's being away and I'm like, I don't know if I should tell Nana like, hey, just, you know, don't have to go into too much detail about, you know, certain parts of life. Yeah. Human anatomy. You see here, she gets out the chart.

Well, my buddy, oh Nana no, no, just keep it. Keep it simple. Where is Nana? Nana's gone. Okay, good. We've kicked her out. She has gone back to Brisbane and she is house sitting. Oh.

Which she always gets herself in these nightmare situations. Someone, one of her friends said, can you look after my two dogs? I'm going away for a week. Yeah. Nana said, absolutely. I'd love to. These two dogs are the biggest nightmare two dogs. They're like, they're like German shorthead pointers.

They're like hunting dogs, hunting dogs. Really active, but they're also like that. They're not puppies. They're kind of teenage adolescents and they're very naughty, very spoiled and they only sleep in the bed. So mum's tried to jump into the spare room and the dogs will bark all night until mum hops into bed with them. You know, she's got a bad foot. And so mum has that little vibrating tool.

And when she turns it on in the middle of the night, the dogs are like, oh my God. So mum is house sitting and getting like three hours of sleep a night and she's literally. Your mom shouldn't take a vibrator on holidays with her. I'm like, just come home mom. I've been working nonstop. I've now realized how much mom does around the house. Oh really?

Yeah. Having to cook and clean again. You yelled at her the other day when she was untagging the dishwasher. She was like, do you know how fucking loud that is? I didn't yell at her, Ash. You did. You make him, you had to be a bad guy. Well, you're teasing your nieces and nephews,

you're yelling at your mom. Anyway, Oscar fell out of bed. How good was that segue? Just talking about beds, Oscar fell out of one. But he's got a bed rail. And I know what you're thinking. How did you fall out of bed? You may ask.

I'm in the lounge room. A slight thud over the cicada noises. How did you hear that? I, you know what? I didn't. The cicadas were taking a breath. I didn't really know. Like, yeah, mid-mate.

And I was just like, and I just thought like he's dropped. You just sort of, cicada coming through the front door. Yeah. Also a cicada flew into our bedroom. The same night. I thought it was this water bottle because it's a plastic water bottle. Always sits on the edge of the bed. How big is this water bottle?

It's like a keg. It's like one of these. And that full of water. Yeah, but the thought of a water bottle that's very small. Yeah, but my floors are not like your floors where they're nice and hardwood. Mine are cypress pine with no insulation whatsoever. What's that like a bit tinny? It's just like every noise you can hear and it's over exaggerated.

That's the wrong word. Sure. I'll take it. Anyway, I've heard the thud, but I thought it was his water bottle. So I just thought nothing of it. And then I hear Little Maisie going, what happened to Oscar? Was he crying? He was, but he was crying into his pillow and Macy was like, let's go with Oscar. Like in her little voice, little husky cigarette voice.

Anyway, I walked up there and I was like, and I walk in and Oscar's like sobbing. He's like, he's like, I fell out of bed. And I was like, is that what that noise was? And I was like, how, how did you fall out of bed? And he was like, it hurts here, hurts here hurts here hurts here I was like no no no no no you've got us a gate on the side of your bed and like Macy pointed to where he fell which was where the gate was and he was like I was just sleeping and I fell out of it but he had only just gone to bed so they were

mucking around and he continued he was okay, I turned the light on and I was like, Maisie, how did he fall out of bed? She was like, oh, he was, he, so he was climbing over the gate so that he could get to the little nightlight thing they've got in the middle to do. I don't know what he was doing. He was doing the wrong thing, but I was like, okay. I said, you clearly have not just fallen out of bed. You were doing the wrong thing and you've fallen out of your bed.

No, no, no. I was just asleep. I don't know what happened. You've done the wrong thing. And he was like, no, I don't know. I was just asleep. And I've checked him out and make sure he's got no bumps or bruises. Not that I cared. And he was fine. And then I was like, okay.

Band-aid? No band-aid. No, not on this occasion. And then I left and I carried on my night what I was doing. And then I was like, I'll go have a shower. And I walked past him just to check on them. And they were both asleep, which is great. And I went to check and he was asleep, but he was leaning out of the same crack in the

bed that he'd fallen out of. So he's obviously gone back for a second, but he was going so- But got tired and fallen asleep. He must have been trying to be so quiet that he's like- So he's half hanging out of the bed. It was too dark to get like a photo and I was like, and I also felt like he's going to hit his head because he was face furred. There's a table in the middle of their two beds.

So he's obviously gone. I'm picturing like, you know that Mission Impossible scene where he like blessed his cotton socks. But then I said to him the next day, I was like... Did you smack him? Oh yeah. Just absolutely frogged him. I'm due to hang out of bed. I was like, the next day, I was getting him ready for bed last night. And I was like, you can't fall out of your bed.

Are you going to fall out of your bed again? And he was like, I don't know. I was asleep, still sticking with the story. I was like, do you know I came in after you'd fallen asleep and you were hanging out of the bed again. He was like, no, I don't recall. I don't recall. And then he was like, so what did you do?

I was like, I moved you. He's like, you moved me. When? I was like, what is this a lie? So now it's on you. It's on me. And I'm like, just when you go to bed, go to bed. Cause I, the other night I caught him out out of his bed near Macy's bed, like

doing something sneaky with Macy and he jumped back in and he goes, Oh, I was just sleeping. It's just like, Oh no, I was just getting something. Marley and Lola got the bunk beds and Touchwood, Marley's yet to fall out of. It's a small thing. The top bunk bed. Lola's is like almost like sits on the floor. So sometimes I'll go in and

she's just like, literally like laying next to the wardrobe. She's just like rolled out of bed and like worked away across the floor. But I just leave her there. She's got a rug, the carpet on the floor. But dude, if I touch her, she's going to wake up. There is nothing worse than moving your kid back into their bed and they wake up and you're like he's like a dead weight he's like twice as heavy when he's asleep because when he sleeps next to me I'm like can you move the fuck over he's like whoa and then I'm like moving I'm like I'm gonna do the full lifting just trying to move. And he just hangs down. You need one of those, you know, those old people when they're in,

like they can't move anymore and to get them out of the bed, they have like the winch. That's like a big hammock. You just need, yeah. You need to buy one of them for Oscar. I've said to him now, like, if I wake up to him in my bed one more time, you're fucking banned. And he was like, banned from what? And I was like, you fucking idiot.

You know. You know. You know. Do you know who is loving a daytime nap at the moment? Not me. I can't daytime nap. Bro, I have seen you fall asleep before. At night time on a plane? No.

Daytime on a plane. Where have you been watching me? I've seen you fall asleep at the airport. No, no, daytime on a plane. Where have you been watching me? Have you mind? I've seen you fall asleep at the airport. Granted it was seven days after seven days in Vegas. That's not true. I didn't fall asleep at the airport. Fell asleep on the plane. Anyway, Thursdays.

You know, my Thursdays are a very busy day. We have swimming in the morning, gymnastics in the afternoon, little old Lola. She's getting pretty exhausted. Back on the nap train. But also she's just Lola, she's getting pretty exhausted. Back on the nap train. Also, she's pregnant. So she just hasn't really quite re-collaborated, no, re-calibrate. She's a recalibrated post daytime savings. So she's still up at like 5, 30, 6 o'clock in the morning.

Daylight savings, you mean? What did I say? Daytime savings. Daytime savings. Same thing. I'm saving this day up. So she's waking up super early and on Thursdays, poor little thing, it's just becoming too much. And so we'll get home.

We have some quiet time. Try not to do too many activities for her because gymnastics is, is out the door at three o'clock. And you've paid for that shit. So you better do it. It's expensive. It's expensive. Gymnastics, terrible decision from me. Kids don't really like it.

I'm not letting my kids do anything. It's yeah. Swimming is like, that's like the benchmark of as far as you should go. I think so. One activity day. Unless they like chomping for it, but yeah. Treadmill. But as we get Lola in the car, I can kind of see already, she's,

it's like someone's kind of hit her with a tranquilizer. She's just like really heavy eyelids. On the way to gym. Gymnastics. And lately, like last week, we're five minutes in and she's out. She's out cola. There's a lot of soft mats at gym too. Yes.

Be careful. So the issue is when I drop her at gymnastics, I wait in the, like it's a parent waiting room. So you drop your kids off, they go into the gym floor, the door shuts, and then all the parents get 40 minutes of reprieve from the kids. All together. We had to sit down on your phone. I sent a few emails.

Oh, it's great. Cause you got- I thought they like lock you in there. It's like, you must talk. No, no, no one talks. No one talks. Oh, can you sit in the car? No, the car's too far away.

Cause you have to walk like, it's a nightmare. As long as I could be alone, I'll be walking. So all the parents just straight on their phones. Does anyone try and like awkwardly talk to you? No there was an old lady once and I was like shut up! Fucking worst nightmare being trapped in a room. Just that old guy. Yeah but like trapped in a room for like 40 minutes. Dude it's lovely because kids are gone. Yeah I know that. But I would like complete, I would like to be alone. So the issue is Ash, when Lola is then asleep in the car I I'm like, I've got to

try and wake her up and she hates being woken up and then you don't wake her up and be like, by the way, you're doing gymnastics. She has some flips. Cause then she's not going to want to do it. So she's going to want to hang with me. Then I can't get my 40 minutes of alone time. So I was like, okay. She's really asleep.

She was like dead weight like Oscar. So I'm like, fine, I'm not going. She was like dead weight, like Oscar. So I'm like, fine. I'm not going to wake her up. So I get her out of the car. We walked down to gymnastics and Marley's there going, as long as still asleep and I'm like, she's over your shoulder. Yeah. Over my shoulder.

That's good. So we go down into gymnastics, go down into the gymnastics floor. I just put her down. Like I said, a lot of soft surfaces. And I start walking back and I'm like, Lola, wake up. She looks around, shut the door.

See ya. Did she just confused? Oh, very confused. She's like falling asleep in the car and then waking up and you're like. And like, she's only three. And this Russian coach is like, get on the high bar.

She's like, ah. Tippy toes, tippy toes. Could hear a whimper, but I was like, headphones in. Oh, man, I could just imagine the confused look on her face. They're very strict there as well. It's literally like. This is the one you had to lie about her age to get her in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what, did she enjoy it? very strict there as well. It's literally like. This is the one you had to lie about her age to get her in. Yeah.

So what, did she enjoy it? No, she hated it. How long is it for? It's 40 minutes. So there's a little. Oh, that's nothing. There's a little. I should have known that.

There's a little window and I kind of like would like peep up a few times just looking around. I was like, oh fuck. I'd had that down. Then finally when the class finished, they came back in. She was like, you. And I was like, oh fuck. I'd had that down. And then finally when the class finished, they came back in. She was like, you. And I was like, what? I'm under you. You motherfucker. You got me. Ash, I have a parenting hack for you. I think.

I'll decide, mate. Actually, no, it's more of a parenting hack for me. Okay. Well, I'll decide. Okay. So remind no, it's more of a parenting hack for me. Okay. Well, I'll decide. Okay. So remind me, Ash. This better be good. When April was giving birth to Macy, what did you do with Oscar? Who? Who had...

Because it was a plan C section. Oscar was at Kindy that day and then he had a sleepover at Mimi's house, which is April's month. Okay. So there's a better idea. A better solution. Put him up for adoption. Your words are not mine. Have a go of this mum in the delivery room. Oh no. Why is there kids in the delivery room? So what I'm looking at... It looks like you can't be exactly sure because she may have more kids in the room that we cannot

see in the frame but she's got two kids. The youngest is probably what, four? Don't waste your money on a babysitter. Bring your kids in the delivery suite. Let them hang around. I would say fuck I'm not having my kids. If I was to have another kid, very hypothetical because I can't. Okay, okay, okay. If you have a third kid, are you gonna, are you honestly gonna have Lola? Don't put this on Lola. Well, she's a bit of a, she's a bit of a terror sometimes, but she's like, like, compared to Marley, do you want Lola running around? Look how pumped that kid is. Yeah, you're gonna bust out of that hole. That'd be great. That's very rare. Making core memories, bro. That's what it's all about.

Core memories. Core memories for the family. Okay, so core memory. Trauma. What if he looks down there and he's like, what if Lola or Marley looks down there and like... That's a good point. That's what I mean. He's like on the side, like, yeah. But like, if you're like, don't look down there. The kids are gonna want to be like, I'm if you're like don't look down there the kids are gonna Want to be like I'm gonna what are you hiding me from? Oh my god?

Shouldn't wrap our kids in cotton wool, you know, I think go off and have the baby and come back No need right? You're gonna do that. No need no need if it's good for her. It's good for us. I Know that you wouldn't you would would be like, fuck that. I'm going to determine that, not a hack. Well, hand it over to the good people who listen to this podcast. Give us their opinion. Absolutely. We'll post that video on social media.

Have a look. Hey, we have some listener questions. What do they want now? Okay. This one is from, from Jen. What is the ultimate test to find out if a babysitter is good or not? I suppose you'd let them look after your kids. There he is, moving on.

Look, I only use family for babysitters. We haven't gone outside. We haven't branched out. Why? We've got Papa. Papa's retired. Doesn't do much. You never once, not once, use any external non-family babysitter.

No, never. What? So I can't really- In your five years of being a father? Yeah. I don't really trust him either. My family that is. That's crazy. I mean, like great that you've got someone down the road who you can rely on. Like, let's just do it. Let's just do it once. Let's just see what it's crazy. I mean like great that you've got someone down the road who you can rely on. Like let's just do it. Let's just do it once and see what it's like.

Why? When I don't need to? Because it's fucking wild bro. It's we just have never had that. We've just never. The thrill of a random person coming into your house. Coming home and making sure that your family is still alive. Honestly that doesn't bother me at all. We just haven't got to the point where we've needed it. Wow. It's sad. You're missing out on so much fun. Of what? Just guessing. Yeah. It's like job interviews. The only time would be, okay, okay. The only

time would be in Bali when we had, there you go. How was that for you? Fine. Did you have any tests? No. Well, we took your recommendation. I don't know. I don't know. You used to be with that woman before. But like, no, they love Adele. Shout out to Adele for listening. Yeah. I don't have a test. We're trying to find someone to help out at the moment. But like, this is different.

Like, help out just like babysitting when you're not there or like nanny. Maybe a bit of both. Okay. A bit of both. The only thing that one babysitter did, which to me was like, Hey, that's a good move. I like that. It's a nice touch.

Is this the one who ran over someone on the street or nearly did? Oh, you did hit someone. That's another story. Have I told that one? No, but you should. I'll save that one for another time. Yeah. The only thing that one babysitter did, which I was like, I really, I really liked that.

And if there's any babysitters listening, she brought some pens and some coloring in paper. Just straight up. And we're like, hey girls, here you go. Yeah. Yeah. I think- She bribed them. Did she ask what they're into before or she just assumed? I think it's just assumed that all kids enjoy some level of coloring.

Yeah. She may have asked about them in the interview, don't know, but she, she brought that and I was like, that's, I like that initiative. Straight up. Yeah. I think you have a vibe when you, we have had people come in where she was like, how many kids? Two?

Ugh. And I was like, we will not be using you. Can I film my OnlyFans in here as well at the same time? No. Definitely not. Get out! Get out. If you got any advice, let Matt know.

Please. I don't use external babysitters. I have family that loves me. Anyway, moving on. This one's from Quinn. Matthew Park, etiquette. Your kid's on the swing. There's a line up.

How long do you push your kid before you give it to the next child? Do you think it to the next child? Do you think it's based off child's enjoyment? Oh, really? That's a deep question. It's a tough question. There's a little park down the road from us here and it's a small park in the afternoons. It's quite busy, especially on the weekends.

There's only two swings. Swings are hot property. Yeah. Every kid wants to be on the swing. You have little moments where, you know, like a pocket of time where no one's on the swing, where straight in there, get Lola in there, strap her in, give her a push very quickly is a cue. Yeah.

I think, okay. I reckon 20 pushes is out of the question. 20 pushes. Yeah. I don't think there should be a time limit. I think like you would, like you, a reasonable guy would be like, look, someone's on a swing now let's play with something else. And when the swing's free, we can go and do it.

Cause there's other things to play with, right? I know that's hot property. Macy's the worst. Macy's like, I'm like Macy, there's like 200 people waiting to get on this swing. She's like, no. Sharpen push. Yeah. She's like, Macy, there's like 200 people waiting to get on this swing. She's like, no. Sharp and push. Yeah. She's like, higher.

I'm like, fuck. And it's like, I don't want the meltdown, but I'm also like, I don't want to be rude. But I think like, don't line up with your kid. Play with something else maybe. No, because then you lose your spot. And you lose your spot. I think a good gauge for like how much longer you should be allowed to play in the swing is how restless the kid who's waiting is getting.

But what about the one of your kids really enjoying it? Does their restlessness outweigh their enjoyment? I think it does. I think it does. A very good point, Ash. I'm glad you brought that one up. I think if per cheer from the child, per like vocal moment of excitement, entitles you to like another five swings.

Okay. And then what if there's a small sobbing from the child waiting? How many sobs, how many minutes per sob? A sob deducts three swings. Right. Yes. So yeah, start it with 20 swings. So how many, how many swings is left for Macy?

I know we're all just sitting around going, divide, divide that by the number of kids in the park, multiplied by the hour of the day. That is how many swings is left. But I think like you should, with your child, you should set your child's expectation that not, and not every time are they going to get what they want. I feel like once you do a countdown, kids,

it's like programmed into their head. No, Macy's like, count back up. If I'm like we're doing ten more lol is like I cannot argue with the counting. Yeah. Three two one. I think that there's a little bit on the parent the waiting parent to be like hey I know you're saying don't want to get lose out of the line. I guess. Set the expectation of your kid and go you can't always have what you want. And don't sweat the parent. Like if you've just- Don't sweat me or I'll stay all fucking day.

If you've just gotten on the swing, bit of breathing space, the etiquette of the swing. I won't be able to lift my arm anymore, but I'll fucking be, I'll be pushing that kid one way or another for the rest of the day. But I think like, yeah, there's plenty of other things to play with at the park. If you sweat me, I'm going to just stay.

But I think also, like I said, the parent of the kid waiting should be like, hey, we're waiting, but do you want to play with something else? And when it's free, we can come back. Love that. I love that. Love park etiquette. Great topics, great questions. Ash, before we go, we do have to give a little nod, a little reminder to anyone.

Yeah. Cowboy nod. Yeehaw. If you will. We have the raunchiest calendar ever produced. It is 2025 Raunchy Ranch featuring yours truly. Imagine calves. Imagine bigger cows being milked.

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Imagine the joy. And the stocking will be filled. Oh, absolutely. If you want to give that kind of enjoyment to someone else on Christmas day, buy a calendar and also know that all the money raised from the purchase of that calendar is going to be donated to Rise Up. They're a really great charity who help out victims of domestic violence. I'm going to buy 10 of them just for that reason.

Don't buy them on the company card because there's no money left. If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave us a review. Five stars. Jump onto Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Leave us something nice. Lots of Spotify listeners, more than Apple, which is weird. Good. I don't know what that means, but anyway. Otherwise, you can join us on socials, either TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, the Facebook group. Let's get out of here. Yes. Bye. Bye. room. Let's get out of here. Yes. Bye. Bye.

Anyway, back to it. Lost my flow. Let me get you started. Yeah, get into your flow, bro. Okay. All right. Oh, that's enough out of you. Terrible beatboxing. I used to freestyle back in high school. So I was at the shops. Oh, shut up. To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.