Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #113 All I Want for Christmas is Sleep

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Ho Ho Holy Crap, it's almost Christmas, and while Matt and Ash are nowhere near ready for the big day, they are ready to clock off for the year.  But before that happens, Ash complains about how the cicadas are pissing all over him, Matt has had a really tough week of dad duties, and the boys share Oscar and Marlie's kindy graduation.  Plus, we tackle your questions! When are siblings too old to bathe together? Do you have Elf On The Shelf?  Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  2025 Raunchy Ranch Calendar IS OUT NOW!  https://budgysmuggler.com.au/products/two-doting-dads-raunchy-ranch  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you know what I'm about to buy? What's that? Okay. Okay. Did I hear you'll take this news? How many houses? How many houses are you buying? Shut up.

Can I buy some loafers? Like leather loafers. Oh, like dress loafers or around the house loafers? No, like dress loafers. I think I'm there. Black leather, shiny. Yeah. Yeah.

Low front. Yeah. Loafers? How do you feel about that? Just feel like that's like the next step for me. Next step in what? Who I am. The evolution of me. I don't have a problem with them. I don't have a problem with them. Well, clearly you fucking do with that tone. No, no, no, no, no. Could you see me in a loafer? Our producer just put up a sign

and said he's getting closer to 40. What are you? Ha ha ha't hear you. Go again. Sorry. Just say your name. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. I'm getting foot cramp. Should get some loafers bro. Excuse me. If you do get loafers, get a shoe horn. No, I feel like shoe horn is... You know what they say, the bigger the horn, the bigger the man. But if you get it also, if you get a shoe horn, you get a big one that you don't have to... You could be standing up.

Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. Get a real big one. Yeah. Because you can't bend over down there anymore. You could get that for me for Christmas. Oh, are we getting each other's love for Christmas? We could do a Secret Santa.

I'd know who gave it to me. Be either one of you two. We're having, for those wondering, we are having a Christmas party. I'm excited because I've never had a Christmas party, a work Christmas party. Ever. Since like eight years ago. Wow. Yeah, I'm not. That's sad. I'm a one man band, Ash.

We are a one man band, yes. There's a few people coming. Could do. We could do Secret Santa. Could do. It's fucking Christmas, Ash. I'm not a fan. For God's sake. I'm not a fan. I do it for the kids. What's it not to be a fan of? What is the problem? I think it's all a big waste of money. Money making scheme. It's a coup. Jess is writing more notes in the book. I can see. I didn't realize the Christmas Grinch was joining us today. Thank you for having me. I was talking about this with April today, but I just, I don't know. She was like to me, you got to remember it's not about you. It's about the kids. She's 100% correct. And I said, I agreed. I said, yeah, I'm sorry, but I do, I'm not going to lie to you. I love

it. Will you buy April anything? We did a thing where it's like $20 each. What do you buy? Like a pack of Tim Tams? No, no, it's, it's, it's kind of like how creative you can get with that $20. So I think like I last time I got her like this sloth mug and filled it with little things that she uses all the time, like a little lip balm, a couple of little things that she uses on a day to day, like a new toothbrush, because her breath stinks now. Like a little, like she loves travel soaps.

She's a weirdo. As in like you take them from hotels or? Yes. But like it's how creative you can get with that $20. Love that. It's about the thought. Love that. We can apply that same-

What are you guys doing? Just buying each other new cars and new houses and boats or a helicopter each? No, I've requested a new skateboard. Oh, that's right. From where? There's a little skate shop down the road. So it's on the one hand, yes, I'm itching towards 40 with a pair of loafers. On the other hand, I'm staying in touch with my youthful side with a new skateboard.

You should get a pair of Globes or Etnies or Osiris. You chunky fucking things. No, I wear the Vans. Why don't we hear the loafers? Why don't you wear the loafers? I'm a skateboard! You be that guy through Bondi. No, I don't want to ruin-

Here comes Matty J. It's not the sound that I make when I skateboard. Also that's like a Batman noise. Also on the scale of superheroes Batman is pretty shit. What's going on with your weak big guy? How come you're so stressed out? Why am I stressed out? You tell me man. Do you know what actually? What is it Ash? Okay the cicadas Let me just give you a brief overview where I'm at and you've heard them. We've all heard them There's news articles out about the cicadas this year if anyone is not familiar with the sound of the cicadas We're just gonna put in a little snippet of what it sounds like from your balcony going to put in a little snippet of what it sounds like from your balcony. Yeah, it's Stephanie.

And that's because there's two species of cicadas fighting for territory this year. I didn't know David Attenborough was here. The green grouser is fighting for its mate. And it's like the louder they are and the more piss they spread, like the more dominant they are. I don't know, I made that up, but I know they're fighting for territory. I haven't heard the piss story. What's the piss about? It's just, they just piss everywhere.

To what? I don't know. Like a dog. Like a dog. Yeah, I would say to mark territory. Sure. You walk out the front of my house, by the time you get to the car, it's like, you're saturated in.

You're getting pissed on. Yeah, pissed on. Yeah. So the last week was a bit, as you can remember the weather. Do you like that at all? If you've got something in the car, be one second, April. Keep going into the car. April's like, where the fuck's Ash?

I don't appreciate your judgment. You judging me. I'm not going to kink shame you. You're kink shaming me right now. If you want to get pissed on by Sucana, there's like all the power to you. It's refreshing. Anyway. Anyway.

Neighbours are like, oh, fuck, Ash is naked in the driveway. They're spinning around. Oh my God. Why has that man got an erection in the front yard of his house? Last week was a bit sunny, rainy, sunny, rainy, a bit like that sort of weather. So I kept walking outside. Sit on your balcony with a cigarette and be like, you guys gotta stop doing this to me. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry guys. Yeah. Very hot. So I didn't know if it was raining or I was getting pissed on. That's when I was getting out. Finish the story. And, uh, look, as you saw,

it's really loud, but it's also sparked the attention, not the piss, the bugs themselves. Is it a bug? Yeah. Insect? Fuck, I think so. I would put money on the fact that that would be an insect or a bug. The kids are drawn to the cicadas because they also come out of the ground, they hatch

out of a shell, they leave the shell wherever they've hatched out. They love the shells. They love collecting them, but they also pick up the dead ones, which is great. Not. I've got containers full of them at home that the kids have filled up. Good containers too. Not these shit takeaway ones. Good Tupperware. Like not the streets. Ice cream. No. Fucking hell! Holy shit! That's a lot of cicadas. Very good. How long are you going to keep the cicadas for? I keep throwing them out because they abstract ants. Where do you put them?

In the bin? I put them in the back of the bush or whatever. Can the kids sleep with the cicada noise going on in the background? Because at night it really calms down. Of course. The hotter it is, the louder they are. But what they do also is they sync up the noise. So it starts to the louder they are. But what they do also is they sync up the noise. So it starts to get louder and louder.

And then it starts to go like, like, like they sync up together. And you know when you're in a car and you open one window and it's like, it's like that in your head and you're like, so at home, we're all fucking going crazy. But shut all the doors. It's like 30 degrees. So stinking hot in my fucking house. What was the decibel reading you put on? 105.

You measured 105. 105 on the decibel meter. And remind the people listening, what causes damage? Anywhere between 80 and 110. So I'm nearly at the threshold of it being dangerous. Well, like, what are you going to do? How long does it last for? I don't know. I don't know. I told you I'm going to do? How long does it last for? I don't know.

I don't know. I told you I'm going to have to move. I think like they don't last that long. And then they go back and hibernate. Although I have this vague memory. It's funny because the seasons, they go for just long enough that you forget what it's like when summer comes around. And you're like, was this always the case?

Was it always like this? Because I haven't, when I was a kid, I lived in the suburb I live in now. And I remember they were really bad then. And I've forgotten. It's like when we moved to the Gold Coast, we moved to the airport and all I could hear was fucking airplanes. I was like, how are we going to live here?

And then people would come over and be like, does that airplane noise annoy you? I'm like, what airplane noise? You just forget. Yeah. So come January when I'm like, Ash, how the fuck do you live like this? I'm like, what? I've got industrial deafness. And that's the joke at home.

And I also at home, April's like, hey, can you take the rubbish out? I'm like, can't hear, babe. I can't hear. Sorry. You do talk quite loud like you. And I keep waking up with a sore throat. I don't know why. Cause I'm trying to talk over the cicadas.

I thought you were going to say, cause you felt the cicada juice in your mouth. I got all that cicada juice in my mouth. Anyway, the kids are obsessed. And so much so that Oscar the other day came home bragging about the cicadas he had found in a container. And I thought, they're in the container. Lids on. Not my fucking problem. Put it outside. And then he's gone. Last week I was in the city a lot. So I was running around the house when they would go to bed and clean up before she gets home, make sure it's acceptable.

And I've picked up his school bag and I've opened the school bag full of a live cicadas and it just went and I'm like, literally it was like the plague got attacked by them and I'm like trying to swat them out of the fucking house. And all I could hear is the kids going, what's happening out there? And I was just like, nothing. I mean, the good thing is Oscar's not scared of them. I don't know how they got in there because he's always like, look at this alive one. You get it.

I'm like, no. Macy. Maybe. She might be the culprit, but they were in there zipped up. That's fucking weird. I know. Also, I went to bring the washing down and we had washed one of Macy's caught fitted sheets.

They're quite small. Yeah. And I went to take it off the wine and wine had been caught in there and just attacked me in the backyard. Anyway, I'm traumatized. What a fucking night there. I want to ask you about graduation in just a second. But before we do that, I want to just get your opinion on something that happened last night.

You know, I called you when I was driving and I was like, Oh, you were on the way to the airport. I don't know if it's the fact that it's end of the year. I don't know like it's the fact that it's end of the year. I don't know, like what's going on. My kids are being so frickin naughty at the moment. Like even daycare was like, oh, Marley's been a little bit tricky. She's not listening to anything we're saying. Do you think it might be end of term fatigue?

That's what I was thinking. I was like, maybe it's just, but I guess they don't really have like a big break. It's fucking daycare. They're doing finger painting. What's it about? You got to think like they've been taught, they're here. They would do what they want to do kind of here in terms of play, but they're there trying to keep everyone uniformed and in control. And they're like, come on, we're going to do this now. And sometimes it's like, I don't know. It's just, we, the weekends, like weekend just gone was one of the most unenjoyable good parenting.

It was just, it was just, I had zero patience. We actually funny you say that because we were at my, I was at my house and I had some friends over with their kids and a friend, Miles, who doesn't have any kids very much doesn't have any kids, very single. And he was like, is there an off switch? Does this ever end? They would just fucking, one would break down and then like one would do something naughty, then one would punch another one.

And like, they just know, I think they know. I think subconsciously they know, okay, it's coming to the end of the year. The Christmas bribes are not working for me this year. I don't know, it's like, it's a tricky time of year. Maybe I'm fatigued and I'm just taking it out on my kids. But last night, okay. Last night, Laura had a work phone call come through.

So she had to grab that. I was putting the kids in the bath. A terrible time for a phone call. I mean, did she have to take it? Could she have pushed it back half an hour? Who knows? Yes, the answer is yes. Who knows?

Anyway, she had to take the phone call and I was like, I'll put the kids in the bath. I left it too late. It was seven o'clock and I was like, guys, we're going to wash our bellies. And they were like, fuck off. And I was like, yeah. And tell them what to do.

Well, they were like, no, we're like not keen. And I was like, we'll brush our teeth first. Not keen. Every time I came to the toothbrush, L they were like, no, not keen. And I was like, we'll brush our teeth first. Not keen. Every time I came to the toothbrush, Lola was like swatting me away. And I was like, we need to, we have the sugar bugs. Like I was just trying every direction of like, who can brush their teeth fastest?

Nothing was working. All right, I just wanted to get them in and out. Every time I kind of like tried to wash one, they would like scurry away. And I was like, do you know what? Like I've tried for 10 minutes now to try and gently encourage them to get on board and do what I want to do. I'm just going to fucking pin down Marley.

Like I'm not- Like a sheep! Well, you know how you see them like the shit, they like dunk him in like a liquid when they have to get- Before they light them on fire. No. Ugh. Yeah go.

What? That's alright. You know they dunk the sheep in like a in a liquid and it gets rid of the pests and. Oh. Anyway. I thought you meant like pin down. Well till the sound like shearing a sheep. Anyway.

So I was like look gently I you know I pinned her down. I just I grabbed her I had some. It's just lippery too. Yeah, I was trying to wrangle her. I just washed her. She was screaming because she was like, I don't want to be washed. Yeah.

I was like, whatever, grab Lola, just like brush her teeth. And she was like squirming around. I just, just like, I'm just going to fucking do it. Just do it, yeah. Both kids are screaming, like hysterical, because they're just tired, right? And then Laura came down off the back of her phone call and she was like, what have you

done? And I was standing there next to kids who acting like they've just been like, what have you done to these kids that have definitely not done anything wrong? But I'm like, what do you, what do I do? Not wash them? Or do you? I just wouldn't wash them. Yeah.

Yeah. You're right. You know, like what I'll do is if they're being difficult with like washing them with like a washer, like I'll literally go and get the biggest container I can find and just dunk it and go. And it goes, even that would make them cry. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah. And then I walk and then I leave the room.

April, my work here is done. I just literally come out of the door, like look at each other and go, did that just fucking happen? Yeah. Get over it. In that situation, tell me if I'm wrong, it's only gonna end in them having tears. Always. Them having a meltdown and then coming back down

and settling down and then going to bed, right? That's just the way it's gonna happen. I think like you could have the meltdown and have the rest of the bedtime be a nightmare or you could just like go, look, tonight's not my night. It's not my night, bro. Let's just go. Let's just let them.

They're in the water. That's a good start. But at the same time, Lola never wants to brush her teeth. Like it's the same story every single night. So I'm like, shame her. Huh? Shame her. Keep breast stings.

No, I have that little mouth guard. Yeah. Like my Invisalign I wear at nighttime. And she's No, I have that little mouth guard. My Invisalign, I wear it at nighttime. And she's like, what's that? And I go, this is to keep my teeth in, because if I didn't have this, they'd all fall out because I never brushed my teeth when I was a kid. And she's like, oh, you're a loser. Yeah.

Okay. So I'm like, that doesn't work either. Nothing works. I think like, tell me I'm not the only one with kids who are currently being absolute little terrorists. Like last week I was just like at my wit's end with them. Like it would, I was going from, and look in hindsight, I'm like, oh, I can just relax a little bit.

In hindsight, I was, I was going from like, hey, can you move that to, move it. So quickly. And like. You do like a shout. Oh, sorry. Don't you? I can do it. Nah. And I was, I would be putting the dad voice on way quicker than I would be usually. Usually I'm like, here you go. You just, dude, you have to like-

Usually I go- Then nothing works. Hey guys, can you put your shoes and socks on? Bud, put your shoes and your socks on. Doesn't listen? That's the second time. Third time like, Oscar, shoes, socks. Then still nothing. How many times do I have to tell you to put your shoes and socks on?

So that's too long. I don't reckon that happened. No, cause then he's like, You've immobilized him. And he's like, too many words. I can't dodge all these words. And then I'm like, shoes! Just like that. Thatobilized him. Too many words. I can't dodge all these words. And then I'm like, shoes! Just like that.

That usually gets him. Nice. Yeah. But last week I would go for him. Hey bud, put your shoes on. Put your fucking shoes on. For people listening, he doesn't swear like that. Yeah.

Don't tell me what I do and don't do. I'm like, I know my breath. I'm like, how do you... Did you swear at all at the graduation? No. A couple of things happened. What? I'm like, I know my breath. I'm like, did you swear at all the graduation? No, a couple of things happened. What?

So I'll tell, okay, I'll tell you what one of our two graduations were like. Yeah. I'd love to know how yours compare mine with yours. So also firstly, congratulations on your son graduating from daycare. I'm surprised. I'm glad someone in the family finally graduated something. As you know, Oscar goes to two kindies. The long day K1 was last week on Thursday and at school they all like came out.

They did all, what they do is they present them with like a little certificate in front of all the parents. Lovely. How many kids? I'm going to say like 14. You said that's good. We had 23. Holy shit.

Yeah. The presentation took forever. That's because your area is overpopulated. Thank you. We need to do something about that. That's another podcast episode. The overpopulation of the Eastern suburbs. Did anyone cry?

And yeah, that was one kid cried ran off. I mean the parents. Yeah. There's a few, there's a few parents that cry. I don't have a problem with crying. What was the trigger for crying? Uh, the trigger for crying was, I know Santa cried from laughter, which is Lenny's parents, because what they would do is they would go, you know, Lenny, Oscar, whatever, graduated.

What they want to be when they grow up is, blah, blah, blah. What did he say? He said muscle man. Yeah. Like, yeah. That's my boy. Anyway, Oscar's turn comes up and he was like last in the line. What did he want to be?

Well, I was surprised. And then also I blurted out something afterwards that was a little bit too loud. What'd you blurt out? So they said Oscar Wicks graduating when he grows up, he wants to be a policeman. And I just said, snitch. How fucking old are you, bro? And I was like, oh, laughed it off. He was like, anyway man. Hey, do you know what's funny?

Marley wanted to be a policeman spy. Policeman spy? Yeah. There was a girl there that wanted to be a doctor and then in a spare time a pilot. And I thought, all right, I'll never achieve her. There was one boy who said air conditioner repairman and everyone laughed and I'm pretty sure it's because his boy who said air conditioner repair man and everyone laughed.

And I'm pretty sure it's because his dad is an air conditioning repairman. I was like, that's so bad. Job's not bad. That's great. Yeah. People need it. It's summer. Go for an attainable goal.

I like it. Anyway, then they, they did like a reenactment of the hungry, hungry caterpillar story. So it's like a show. Like there's a caterpillar. Are you getting kids like attached to each other? No, no, no. So one kid was the caterpillar.

And then the... Who was the caterpillar? Was he... She. Daisy was the caterpillar. Anyway, so what would happen is say, there would be like on Monday, I ate one apple. So one apple had come out and the caterpillar would go over in front of it.

There were signs of the fruit. You're leaving out some critical information here. Anyway, then. Poor Daisy. I'm just imagining her like slithering over the floor. And then they did a dance at the end. Love that. I think I've actually got maybe just a little bit of Oscar because Oscar took it very seriously.

Yeah, love that. And he was very good, I will say. Bit of spice in his moves? There's one move in particular, Scarlet. He's very good. Mate, he's killing this. Yeah, I know, he's good.

Yeah, see. Ah! Yeah! Yeah! He's very good. He absolutely, he really, when we did Dancing with the Stars, here we go. No, we were told to, it's like, you know, when you do a move,

you got to like sell the move. Oh yeah, he saw the whole thing. Like your movements have to be like very like intentioned. And he's got that. Yeah, he did really, really well. I was shocked. He was very good. Very good. Very good.

Very good. What time is that by the way? Like what time of day is your graduation? 9.30. In the morning? I like that. Yeah. So that was one kindy.

The other kindy was like a Christmas party, but they don't make the kids perform. They actually had one of the teachers perform and she was outstanding. I will say. I want to say just quietly, if anyone from our daycare is listening, I want to say that you guys do an incredible job. Oh yeah. Looking after my children. And I can only appreciate how stressful it must be at this end of the year to look after the kids as well as plan a graduation. Yeah, they do that extracurricular stuff free of charge.

Like, I commend you. Very, very impressive. However, I do that extracurricular stuff free of charge. Like, like I commend you. Very, very impressive. However, I do have one little gripe. Okay. I am late on me. Ours went for a very long time. How long? So we were told get there for 5.45. I am. No.

So they were like 5.45, get there. So it's like pretty late already. It's a late start. All the parents are there. A lot of the parents had younger children, you know, who are in the nursery. And, and so we're all waiting around. Doesn't start till six o'clock. I think something happened and they took a while to set up. So the kids didn't come out until like just after six.

Right. Because it was 23 kids. It took a really long time. They had three songs to start with. They then did the presentation of the plaque and a shirt, which they each got. The shirt. Oh, she got a shirt too. Yeah.

Nice. It's nice. But it took a really, really long time. Also, Lola, at this point, it's now like quarter to seven. She's fucking starving, bro. Oh, yeah. Lola is hungry. She's like her dad.

She's going to's cranky. And then we had a little play because all the kids are up there and they want to like now mingle. And then we were like, well, time to like get out of here. All right. Thanks very much. And then the teachers like, no, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait. They had to put them in a little graduation like hat thing. They had three more songs to perform and like the songs went on

and they played a video as well, which I will say, beautiful video, very emotional, gorgeous, fantastic, nice touch. Went for 10 minutes. You were very Trump then. Very Trump. Beautiful. I was in it. I loved it. Nice touch. It was 10 minutes long. 10 minutes. Thank you. What? Thank you. Do you know how long it should be? What's the length of that song? What's that song that's on every graduation video? Uh, like, uh, as we go on. That's how long a video should be. It should be like two and a half minutes. Yeah. I mean, I get it.

Oh, it's beautiful. Every parent will see their kid and a lot of them were there from when they were like little bebers to now. So there's a lot of content to get through, but Marley had only joined quite late. So once I saw Marley twice, I was like, wrap it up. Yeah. The production value of this is terrible. We didn't get out of there till 7.30.

Thank you. That sucks. It was long. That's too long. It was too long. It's too long. Way too long. We were like 9.30 till 10.30.

Great. And they had, did you have food at yours? No, we had donuts. Just donuts. And some sushi. Okay. I'll be honest, I'm a lobster. And they had, did you have food at yours? No, we had donuts. Just donuts. And some sushi. Okay. What are they serving at, in Eleanor, Eleanor Heights?

Woolworth's muffins. Sorry. Okay. Okay. But yeah, it was not lovely, but we got in the car and I was like, that went for bloody ages. And I was like, that was really L-O-N-G. And Marley was like, it was long. And I was like, damn it for bloody ages. And I was like, that was really L-O-N-G. And Marley was like, it was long.

And I was like, damn it, she getting spell and read now. I will say I made a big mistake, Ash. Yeah. I've been very good. You a mistake? No. I know. I've been very good up until now.

Go on. We had one orientation left at school for Marley Tool 10. We even bought the uniform because Marley was like, the first two, she didn't wear a uniform. So she's been wearing uniform every night. Wearing the uniform to daycare as well. And then Marley was like, hey dad, when's my next orientation?

And I was like, it's coming up. Check the calendar. Missed it. By a week. What are you going to do? I said the teachers were so impressed with every child and the orientation. They said they don't need one more.

Yeah. That was just say, see you bright and early next year. In February next year. And she was like, really? I was like, yeah. teachers were so impressed with every child and the orientation. They said they don't need one more. Yeah. They'll just say, see you bright and early next year. In February next year. And she was like, really? I was like, yeah. You did so good. Wow.

Wow. It is wear your uniform to school week or to preschool week this week. So Oscar's very excited. And he does this thing where he knows he's not asking if he can do something, but he's telling me in a way of asking me if he can do something. For example, I was like, go and get your new school hat for next year. Cause you can wear that today. And he comes in and he goes, but we're not allowed to take our new school bags.

Are we? Cause he wants to. Cause he wants to. And I was like, no, no, no, I was like, no, bud, sorry. No, save it. Save it for next year. But I think that's very clever. I like, no, no, no. I was like, no, bud, sorry. We'll save it. Save it for next year. But I think that's very clever. I like, I like his approach.

Evil genius. Isn't he? So, um, Laura and I, Ash, I think this was- Your wife, your wife. Laura, my wife Laura. I'm married to Laura. Lovely lady. She's great.

Very good. I'm a lucky man. Except for when she steals our content. I mean- You saw that Laura. They're watching you. Parenting lies. We'll bring parenting lies back next year.

Next year she's got like two doting moms. You're like what? You know it would be better than us as well. Damn it. I know. So it was that time of the month, right? And the time of the month had finished, right? We're both keen.

We're on the same page. Fuck yeah. of the month had finished, right? We're both keen. We're on the same page. And Laura had a life uncut Christmas dinner thing on the Saturday. And she goes, don't worry. It's going to be really quick. Have dinner. I'll be home. Yes. Not too late.

Where'd they go? Italian somewhere. I was nervous. Thanks for the invite. I know, right? I was nervous because she, Garlick is not agreeing with her at the moment. Have we spoken about before? Yeah. I was like fuck she's gone to Italian. Well known for using their garlic. Those Italians and their garlic, they love it. Also I thank them for it. Yeah

they know what they're doing. Very delicious. Melissa milk. And so like 8.30, 9 o'clock, 9.30 and I was like. What are you doing anxiously waiting up? I was just, what are you doing anxiously? Wading up. I was just sitting on the couch with the direction. Just being like, she'll be home soon. I promise. Any second. I was like, how far off are you? So she gets home.

It's like 1130. For anyone who's married. That's way past sex time. That's like, you could potentially be having sex in two days. Yes. You could go over into the next day. Sunday, Sunday night's not a sex night. Sunday morning either.

Sunday, never, never, never. Yeah. So if you go from like 1130. But then Monday night's not a sex night for us. Tuesday, maybe, maybe Wednesday? No. You're pretty much putting yourself out another week. It's a, yeah.

I'm staring down the barrel of like a, a famine, a week long famine. Laura comes in and she's like, we're doing it. Get up stairs. Shut up. Take your clothes off. I'd be fast asleep. It's very tired. I think I even said, I was like, I don't want it to be like rush, tired sex. You're like pretending you're like, oh, I'm too tired. It's still like knocking over chairs and stuff in my erection as I'm walking up the stairs. So then we do the deed. Deed was great.

And then- Out of five? Five? Yeah, five. Cool. Good to know. Five. So then just about to fall asleep.

A lovely sleep. Nothing better than a sleep after sex. Cigarette and a sleep. I never had a cigarette and fell asleep. Was it nice? As someone who used to smoke? Nah. Okay.

Put that to bed. So you never smoked after. There's an old joke that says like, do you smoke after sex? It's like, I don't know. I've never looked. Okay. You don't get it? Do you smoke after sex?

Like, cause you're so hot or like? Yeah. Cause it's the friction. And then you're like, no, I've never checked. So then we're about to fall asleep. We start to hear, we start to hear a little cry. Ellie. It was Marley. And you know what ailment really does suck Ash? An earache. It's one of those things where you're like, I don't know what's wrong with me. Yeah. They're like, and you're like, you can't do anything. And you're also, also eyes and ears, quite nerve wracking.

Yeah. Like it would be, it would be really frustrating if she went deaf. And then they're like, what happened? I said, well, I just, I ignored the signs and she went deaf and I didn't do anything. We were having sex. Yeah. Oh, that's okay. So once a week we have it.

Oh, well. And so she was in agony screaming. And I was like, is it a burst eardrum? Maybe an insect. Cicada. Maybe a cicada or maybe she just heard you guys love making you. I'm a quiet lover. Thank you very much.

I've been told that. And Laura was like, after 15 minutes, she was like, we might have to go to hospital. Oh, because she's crying so much and she's just going, Oh my God, I hurt so much. We were thinking it was a burst eardrum. And I was like, fuck, fuck Ash. Like the last thing I want to do is go to Children's Hospital. It's now like after midnight. You've just had sex.

Just had sex. You know? I could just walk in there like, who smells like sex in here? Thankfully, I think I dosed her up on like Panadol. Went to sleep. Yup.

Woke up and I was like, Marley, how's your ear? And she goes, what ear? I was like, you're crying last night. What ears? She goes, no, I wasn't. That wasn't me. What are you talking about? I don't know. Must've been one of your other kids.

Yeah. I was like, this phantom earache. Yeah, right. Fucking who knows? Maybe she was dreaming. I think it was a nightmare, but she was in agony, bro. Screaming, holding her ear, being like, it hurts. Weird.

Nothing since? Nothing since. The Phantom. The mystery of the earache that never existed. Have you ever had that? No. Listen to questions. Yes.

We've got a couple here. Oh, this is a good one actually. Danielle. Danielle what? Danielle. Danielle. This is from Dan-Darnell. Can you give her a little shout out? Danielle. Danielle. This is from Darn Elle. Can you give her a little shout out? Isn't that enough of a shout out? Nothing's free around here

Danielle. Thank you for the great question. Danielle. Shout out to Danielle. Thanks for writing in. We love you. Thanks so much. Is that good enough for you? Very good. Very good. I'm sure she's sitting there. I take it all back. When are siblings too old to bathe together? That is a very good question. She did also add a little line in there I saw. She wants to know. And sharing a room as well.

I think I was sharing with my brothers when I was like 13. I think. I think. What? That's a bit old. Is it? Were there any pubes involved? Couple. I remember, I think I have a-

Just your brother's though? You have one sister. My mom was in there as well. She's outnumbered. Ew. No, I think I have my older brother is maybe like five years older than me. And he still wanted to do it. Don't shame me and my family for what we did when we were younger. I remember being like, what are they?

Because he had pubes. That's my penis mustache. I was like, give us a look. Cause he had pubes. That's my penis mustache. Oh, give us a look. Oh my god. Spread them. Is that too old? Yes, it is too old. Yes. Alright, look Oscar and Macy. I'm at the point now where I'm like I need to separate them because they just get to be close.

What do you mean? I don't know, it's innocent, but I'm like, What do you mean? Hmm. Separate. I don't know. I don't know. I think, I don't know. Actually yesterday on the weekend, we were down at the beach and we were going to

the beach shower and I stripped Macy off. She's completely naked under the shower, but Oscar was like, I don't want to take my shorts off. Cause I wanted to get the sand off him. And I was like, no, no, no, he's getting older. There was other young girls around like teenage girls. He was like, I don't want it. And I was like, oh, okay.

All right, all right, all right. You can just shower in your shorts. Know what I mean? So it's like, he's getting to an age and they will, and I don't know, every kid's going to be different, I suppose, with how, how they, what they know about their body, I guess. And like, I think. We were at the beach on the weekend as well.

And we, walking down to the beach. You were like, I'm naked. I was naked. I had the, the bugaboo. It was facing forward. So with the shade up, I couldn't really see what Lola was doing. But afterwards we took the swimmers off, put a dress on her, was walking down the promenade up on the beach, which is very busy, especially on the weekend.

I stopped and just like peered over the cover to make sure she was okay. Leg spread. Just having a little play. I was like, what are you doing? She's like, what? I know. Cause there's a fine line where you don't want to shame them. No, I'm like, freak! But like Oscar and Macy share a bath, boy and a girl. And look, sometimes they find themselves in weird positions. I'm like, what the fuck? Like, especially like Oscar, you're older.

Don't put your hand on your dick in front of your sister. And I don't know. I don't know what the answer is. I'm not an expert. Someone tell us the answer. Someone tell us the answer. And is it, like I said, Oscar's sort of like getting, going to primary school next year.

I think it's time that you come and have a shower, bro, and let your sister have a bath or whatever. I just don't. It's different with two girls. I feel like it's grade one, grade two. That's when it starts. Obviously, unless you're in my household, that's from game one to your 18. You're nine, you're 10. Formative years. But I used to share a room with my sister when we were 14. Yeah, but you've clothed.

Very different. Yeah, clothes.'ve clothed. Very different. Yeah, clothes. That's right. Yeah, it would be weird if you weren't. Separate beds. What? So my kids share a room. Your kids share a room. What about your sister?

My sister, we had separate rooms. Never shared? Oh, must be nice. No, it was a rental, my lad. I used to sleep in the hallway. No, we had a separate, we've always had separate rooms. I only ever used to have a bath with dad, but like he would have speedos on when I was at an older age, but like 14 is too old. I know that much.

Tell that to my mother. I will. Don't you worry. She's upstairs. Do you know what explains a lot? That you let your kids bath together for so long. They're really mother. I will. Don't you worry. She's upstairs. Do you know what explains a lot? That you let your kids bath together for so long. They're really close. Next question.

Far away. Is. Are you guys. From who? This is from. Do you want to give them a shout out? This is from me. Shout out to Matt.

You're doing your job. Very good. Thank you. Thank you. I needed that. Thank you. From me to you. Is your family. Are you an April?

Spit it out! And you an April! That's what we have time for. Are you doing Elf on the Shelf? No. Why do I need to give myself something else to worry about? Don't you want to fuck with your kids a little bit? No. I see all those ones like, one was like cutting the clothes off a kid and was like, he he he, ruined a shirt firstly. Do your kids know what elf on the shelf is? Okay, so my kids didn't know either. Who

told them? So, we're not Elf on the Shelf family. Laura is not an Elf on the Shelf family. Collectively, not an Elf on the Shelf family. Why would you want to be? So Sunday, weekend just gone. Kids are together and kids are kind of sharing stories. And they were like, hey, have you guys got the magic elf at your house? And Marley was going, magic elf?

What are you talking about? And the kids were like, we've got an elf, elf on the shelf and every night he magically moves. He springs to life as soon as we go to bed and we wake up, he's in a different spot. And Marley was like, Holy shit. She couldn't believe it. We say goodbye to our nieces and nephews.

And then Marley's like, dad, I think we better start looking. We might have a magic alpha home. Nope. I was like, there's not one there. Marley was like, but how do you know? And I was like, well, cause I haven't seen one. And she's like, yeah, but he might be hiding? And I was like, well, cause I haven't seen one. And she's like, yeah, but he might be hiding. And I was like, Oh yeah, I guess maybe. And she's like, I'm going to find him.

So we get home and she's looking everywhere, like upstairs in the cupboards. At one point she was like, I know where he is in the washing machine. Fuck that cheeky elf ran in there. She's like, he's not there. She's like, I know he's here somewhere. And I was like, Marley, I'm telling you, if he was here, I would have seen him. And then outside there was like a little plastic pop plant that had no plant in it. And a gust of wind came and it blew over. And Marley was like, he's here.

That was him, wasn't it? Any little sign like something like knocks off the table, she's like, fuck. Oh, just, I think he's here. Steer clear of doing it. It looks like so much effort. But part of him is like, maybe that was him. You're right, Marley.

I just never, I think I heard him upstairs. Quick, check if he's there. This is my gripe with it. Go on. We've already got to a if there's kids in the car. Oh Ho ho it's Santa here boys and girls Please cover your ears during this next bit Hide the Santa thing Right gonna give more of a warning than that. You can't be like kids in the car. So it's unreal

No, if there's kids in the car, please. That's too late now. Yeah, whatever. So I took them to see Santa's Santa photo, okay? And we finished doing the Santa photo and we happened to be the last one before the break. Anyway, I'm walking away with Oscar and Santa's gone around the corner taking his head off pretty much, like his mask off. And Oscar was like, AHHHHHHHHH! He's like, what's he doing?

I was like, nothing. Like ushering him away. Why wouldn't he do that behind closed doors? I think he thought he was, I think he thought he was out of the way. He's like, he's like, Oscar kids are some shit. And then, so I've already got to hide the fact, once again, if you've got kids in this house, Santa is not real. Why are we now doing this thing and putting more pressure on parents to do the elf on the shelf? I think I'm going to do it and I'm just going to test the waters, just see what it's like,

see if she's into it. Yeah. Okay. I'll report back. Yeah, what it was. Any ideas of what you're going to do with the elf? Not yet. I might cut her a fringe and say she wakes up and then there's like a pair of scissors

and then there's a hair and I'm like, it was the magic elf. Oh my God. It's like, isn't that fucked up? People do that stuff. That is fucked up. Not us. That was a joke. Ash, this is our last episode potentially ever of the year. Thank God. Of 2024? Yes. What? What?

What are we laughing at? Just like it was like, you know, like it's a big moment. You know, it's like it's the light. It's the last one. Mm hmm. Well, and on that note, I'm out here. We will be back next week on Christmas Day. Yeah.

But it will be a best of. Mm hmm. We hope you all have a great Christmas. Not all of you. We'll chat to you guys next week for a best of. We will. And then we will be back early next year. Don't forget to buy the calendar.

Oh, the calendar for God's sake. 2025, not 2005. We've got 20 left. There's only limited amounts left. There's 20 left. Please. 20 left. There's only limited amounts left. There's 20 left. Please. 20 left. Please buy them.

All proceeds go to a very good cause, which is victims of domestic violence, which is Rise Up, of course. So you can buy them at Budgie Smuggler website. The link will be... Link in the show notes. I was going to say... Sorry. Sorry.

Go on, finish it off. Mm-hmm. Link is in the show notes. Review, subscribe, leave some comments. Join us on social media at To Doting Dads. We'll see you guys. Next year. Next year.

Yes, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year. Just really want to go to the bangs. Let's get out, let's get out. Okay. Have a good Christmas, goodbye. Good, good, good. Goodbye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Just a little quick story. Okay, I've got a little quick story. Okay. I've got a little quick one after your one.

Okay. A little, little quick one before we go on to listening questions. Oh no, I've got a little one. Oh yeah, no, no. So I'm saying, don't you? I've got one. I've got one too. You got it please.

Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gadigal land.