Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #120 While The Cat's Away, The Mice Will Play

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

Matty J is officially in the South African jungle, which means one thing...GIRLS DAY! IYKYK. Ash is holding down the fort, and who better to step in as co-host than Matt's wife, Laura? While one half of Two Doting Dads is roughing it in the wild, the other half is having the time of his life. No rules, no Matt...  Laura shares her week since Matt left, while Ash deals with Macy and her DIY slip and slide.  VOTE TO KEEP MATTY J IN THE JUNGLE!  https://10play.com.au/im-a-celebrity-get-me-out-of-here/trial 2025 Raunchy Ranch Calendar IS STILL ON SALE!  https://budgysmuggler.com.au/products/two-doting-dads-raunchy-ranch  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What do your feet look like? Show me. Yeah, no, I need to see them. You've often claimed how much money you've made. That pinkie toe, who is paying for that thing that's hanging on for dear life? What is that? What is that? I did.

What are those? Guilty. Guilty. I did make some money on a certain platform with my feet. How far did you go up? Was it just feet? Feet and dick. No. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads.

But it's with a difference today. It's with a doting mum. You can try to bring it already. It's with a doting mum, usually looking at Matt, but now I've got the pleasure of looking at Matt's wife and arguably the better parent, Laura Byrne. Thank you for joining us. Definitely not the better parent. We'll be the judge of that. I have been solo parenting for one week now and everything

surprisingly has been going okay. But I have some very big shoes to fill and I need to admit because I feel like I should have done my research and listened to some recent episodes just to get into the- What do you mean you don't listen to us? I haven't for a little bit. Okay. Okay, let me finish the intro then. Thank you. I don't know what stories Matt shared or whether I'm going to be telling the truth. We'll find out. This is a parenting podcast. The good, the bad and the relatable and we do not give any advice, real advice unless

you want to take it. Anyway, Laura doesn't listen to us. I've just found out. So that's a good start. I do. I just have been so busy parenting this week that I haven't been able to listen as regularly as I would. I'm not used to running the episode.

Matt usually runs the episode. So please bear with me. Wow. As you get through it. Is this Ash feeling completely out of his depth right now? Are you, do you feel confident? Do you feel comfortable? How are you coping with my husband being away?

Look, I'm struggling. Are you? It's only been three minutes, but I'm, I'm sweating. This is not about me. This is about you. Okay. So Matt, as I'm sure you guys are all aware, he's now in the I'm a Celebrity jungle. By the time you're listening to this, it would have been on TV, right?

Like there would have been a couple of episodes that potentially have played out. It should have been like four days in or three days in. What did Matt update you guys on before him going away? Like did he tell you about how that went with the kids and what this period for us has been like? Yeah, so he gave us an idea just how chaotic it was in trying to get loose ends tied up. Yeah, so Matt told, I mean, he kind of left it really late. He told the girls that he was going away to do the show, but he didn't really think through

the logistics of that. So firstly, he told both the girls specifically that he was going to Africa and he was going away to do the show. But he didn't really think through the logistics of that. So firstly, he told both the girls specifically that he was going to Africa and he was going on a TV show called I Am A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Cause a five year old knows where Africa is. The problem is, the thing is she does, what she doesn't realize is what NDAs are. So Marley had been going to daycare, Marley had been going to vacation care and telling every single person, my dad's going on, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here. He's going to Africa.

So we rocked up to pick Marley up from school. And this was like a week before he left and the teachers were like, good luck on this show. Everyone knew. So I know it was meant to be embargoed, but if you live in Bondi, three quarters of Bondi already knew. She's the lake, Marley's the lake. It's Marley May. And he also told Lola, and because Lola actually like kind of hates Matt and doesn't really care if he's there or not, unfortunately, he's great dad, but he's not Lola's favorite.

Yeah, that's, yeah. We've, we did a person a whole year on that. Yeah. So he broke it to her that he was going away. And her reaction to that was, Girls day! And it broke his goddamn heart. Oh, I bet.

Because he's worked so hard over the last 12 months to try and... It's kind of pathetic how hard he's worked. Because he was like, just trying to win her over. And every time he won her over last year, you'd come back into the room or something. Or I think you were away for a little while there and it was Matt and the girls and he was like, she's got no one else. So she's stuck with me. So hopefully by the time that Laura gets back, not forgotten about Laura, but like I have evened it up a little bit so that I am a parent.

Yeah. Straight away, apparently. Almost, almost. But she, no, to be fair, she goes through these periods where she, how do I describe it? It's like, nah, nah, actually I take it back, nah, she always just wants me more. She's a good- And it's never said it, it breaks her heart.

She's a manipulator, I've noticed. She manipulates him. She's sweet. I know, but they're good at it. Macy's also does the same thing. But one thing that stuck out for me was he was like, I had won her over. We were vibing. It was all good. And then he said, I...

It's your own daughter. And he turned around too quick once and she was behind him and knocked her over and that was the end of it. Oh, no. That's the unraveling. That is the unraveling. And that's how quick it can unravel. I've told Matt, I've tried to give him advice on this because it is a real thing.

It's called parental preference, right? When a child prefers one parent over the other. Is this a real thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually kids- I have a parenting podcast. I don't know that. Usually kids grow out of it at three, Lola is almost four and showing absolutely no signs

of growing out of it anytime soon. But I like lovingly tried to explain to Matt that I just think like, I think Lola smells it on him. I think he reeks of desperation. We've said that. I said, I can smell it on you from here, mate. And she reminds me of me, but when I was like 20 years old, like I never wanted to be around the nice guys and he's so nice to her. I was like, you just need to be a little bit more sassy.

Treat him mean. Like, treat him mean. Exactly right. Like she's taken all my toxic traits from my early dating years. That's what this is. Oh fair enough. But I think, look, six weeks of her having, potentially, if he does well, fingers crossed, everyone vote, six weeks of him being away, I feel as though either it's gonna be, it's gonna be like, the real antithesis of that, it's gonna be a real issue, or it's gonna be the opposite.

Because the other night at dinnertime, like she had no one else to fight with, so I was trying to get her fed and it was a whole debacle and it ended in her storming up the stairs and screaming, I want my daddy! I was like, fuck, if only he was here to feel that or hear that, he'd be so happy. I know, and no one was, it was like no one was there to fight with her. So she was like, fuck. No one. That's her kryptonite. Did Matt tell you before he went away that he has a secret sign on the show for the girls?

No. So, I mean, it's going to be hard for him. He's been acting very much like in the last couple of weeks that he's been pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. And then when it came actually to crunch time and him going away, he got really emotional and he had this conversation with the girls. He cried. He had a big cry. He's going to cry. Okay. Here's my prediction. We put a prediction out there. He had a big cry. This is my prediction on

the show is that Matt will cry a lot. He's the best. He'll cry a lot and he'll also get snappy a lot because he gets snappy when he's hungry. I feel like that could be a really good To Dirty Dad's drinking game. If anyone's watching the show and you want to know like when to drink, it's when Matt cries and when he says something that's going to be a bunch of piss listeners. No, Matt can be a real fucking piece of work when he's hungry though. So that might come back to me about it. He has this little sign where he's going to do like a little love heart sign to

the camera for the girls. I'm going to make it about me. You it. I'm going to make it about me. You know I'm going to make that about me. We know who it's really for. Okay. Well, okay. How is this going to go over the next few weeks? Because obviously with Matt being gone, could be two weeks, could be six weeks.

How many of these are we doing? As many as you'd like. How many is April doing? Your lovely wife. She's like a contingency plan. Does she know that she's part of the contingency plan? No. No.

Has she been told yet? I've got the volume stocked up so we can get her on. That's the only way we can get her on. A volume and a glass of wine. It'll be April just here like, whoa. She'll be like, I watched that Mac guy on TV the other night. And he cried a lot. And I'm still drunk.

All right, well I'll see you back here every week then. Yeah, Matt gave us an update on Lola changing schools because we are in January and there's a lot of change happening. Like my kids, Marley going to a big school, Oscar going to a big school, but Lola's had to change daycares. First of all, I want your side of the story. I'm really going to set Matt up here and I'm really sorry, Matt, when you do hear this, what is your thoughts on the changing of the school and what's your side of the story of how it happened? I am horrified by everything.

So, okay. I feel as though a decision was made that I was not a part of. And to set the scene on this, so Lola's been going to one daycare since she was about nine months old. She's now almost four. Like she's been going there pretty much her whole life. The daycare teachers from that daycare are also some of her babysitters. Like she has her little friends there.

Like she's so ingrained in that daycare and she's so confident there. And we also know it's an amazing daycare. Like it's really, really great. The annoying thing is, is that it's probably about a 40 minute drive round trip to drop her off in the mornings because it's back where we used to live. And it's not far, but it's like the traffic can be bad in the morning. It's Sydney. Everywhere's far.

It's Sydney. So every, yeah, it's just annoying. Sometimes I look at the GPS and it's like 5 traffic can be bad in the morning. It's Sydney. Everywhere's far. It's Sydney. So every, yeah. It's just annoying, right? Sometimes I look at the GPS and it's like 5k, it's 30 minutes. I'm like, what? It's exactly that. But it's actually, it's, and also because Matt leaves it late. So he drops her off during school time, like smack on when all the school kids,

which are across the road are going. So Matt drops her off a couple of times a week, but I also do the pickup. So I pick her up on the way home from work. So where her daycare was, was more convenient for me for a pickup, but more annoying for drop off. Cool. Establish that. He came home this one day and had the idea that because Marley's going to school now,

that he was going to unenroll Lola from her daycare and enroll her in a different daycare, which is closer by three minutes to us. But it's the same daycare that his sister takes Lola's cousin to. So that way they can co-share the drop-offs. There's pick up options. I like that. Yeah. I like that.

Yeah. Sure. The co-share for only- Co-brother and sister parenting. Lovely. For only 10 months though, because our niece is going to go to school like next year. So there's only 10 months. So there's still going to be an additional year where we have to do that ourselves.

So great in theory, but also not great in theory, because when that decision was made, I originally was like, Hey, I don't think this is a great idea. But it was also preceded him going and doing I'm a celebrity. And so I kind of felt like, okay, well, if you're not going to be here, surely the easiest and best route should be the route that's like calm for Lola and fine for her from a transition perspective. And also for me, since I'm doing all the pickups and drop offs, like why would we make a change that's actually going to make my life harder over this six weeks than... Anyways, we had many fights about it. I

lost. She's now going to a different daycare and she fucking hates it. And yesterday- So this is my question to you, Ash. Matt is no longer here, which means he can't make parenting decisions. Am I the asshole if at the four week mark and he's not home and I'm still dealing with this, can I unenroll her and send her back to the old daycare? Send her back now. Send her back now by the time he gets back. Whenever he gets back, it's going to be too late. When this comes out, he won't be able to hear it. So by the time he actually hears this, she'll be probably two or three weeks

deep and back and it's like, leave earlier, bro. It's, it's so hard. I mean, anyone who's been through the process of trying to change their kids to a new daycare. It's, it's like, it is soul crushing. And when you have to leave your kid with a stranger and they're screaming, crying, and their friends aren't there and they've got no friends. And I got into the car and I just burst out crying.

I was so sad because I've never cried in the car and not because that's the thing you can't you shouldn't cry in front of them because then they think I'm never going to see you again. Don't cry. Don't cry on the show. Actually cry. That'd be great for the social cry. Damn it. I couldn't. I had to like she be great for the socials. Cry, damn it.

No, I couldn't. I had to like, she was holding it to actually, she wasn't holding it together. I was holding it together. Yeah, to you. And I was just devastated for her. And she, the next day I picked her up and she was like, mommy, I have no friends. I don't know anyone's name. Like she was so sad.

Yeah. And I'm not used to her being sad. I'm used to her being like a fucking baller. A wrecking ball. Like she's like, yeah, she's like my sassy kind of like a little bit angsty. She's like angry little four year old that nothing phases. And here she is being all sad and vulnerable. It broke me. Yeah. Oscar's going to B school this year, but just with work and stuff, we've got to

do the odd casual day. Yeah. Because April's back at work and I'm here back at work. Working very hard. It's good to see. we've got to do the odd casual day. Yeah. Cause April's back at work and I'm here back at work. And I drop- Working very hard. It's good to see. I'm a hard worker. I had a nap today.

I- You started at 2.30. I literally did. What time is it? I'm done. It's 2.42. I'm done. So I dropped him and Macy off yesterday and none of his friends were there, but Macy had friends

there. And then I was like, oh, I was really, I was actually really worried. And I drove past and Oscar was playing with Macy and someone else was playing with him. And I rang April up. I'm like, none of his friends are there. I feel terrible. And you do feel bad. Did he cry? Was there any tears? No. He's sort of like at the stage now where he's like, if Macy's there, he's pretty happy. He's chill. Because he'll look after Macy all day. He'll play whatever Macy's playing. And thankfully he came home yesterday and some of his friends arrived after I'd left.

If he was hysterical, what would you do? I've gone back in and got him and spent the day with him. I've done that once. That is shocking to me. What do you mean? I wouldn't have picked that. Oh, then I've got a half. Thanks babe.

Not that, but just like, I think that, because I worry and I thought about going back in and getting her and being like, oh, just I'm not doing this today. Like I'll just stay home from work and be with you. But then I, I thought that if I did that, I would actually just make it worse for the next day. I thought I would just reinforce that if she has a huge tantrum and she cries her eyes out, that then more mom will just come back and get me. Yeah.

So the difference here was it wasn't, it was, it was a different cry. I love that because I think that, I mean, it's very surprisingly sentimental of you, Ash and vulnerable. Thank you. But I think that you can so deeply second guess what's the right thing to do. And everyone always tells you, oh, well, when you walk away, they're fine 15 minutes later. Like that's kind of the thought when-

And majority of the time that could be the case. Yeah. But it hasn't been for us this time with Lola. And I know that this is going to be a few weeks and it's going to be really hard. It just kind of sucks that it's coincided when Matt's not here. How dare he. But I walked into pick her up at the end of the day. She'd been there to 4.30 and she just looked like she'd been crying all day. And the teachers said, yeah, she cried on and off all day. And, and often was saying how much she misses you and asked when you're

coming to pick her up. And I, I don't know, like, I mean, I know that she's resilient and I know that she will be fine the more that we stick to it. But I don't know if I have that resilience in parenting. And then you have that big question of you're like, well, is this one of those moments where like it's going to be better for her in the long run? I don't know. I don't have the answers. If she sees you being resilient about it, she might be more resilient about it too. But if she sees you just give up,, she might be more resilient about it too.

But if she sees you just give up, then what sort of message does that leave? So I shouldn't send her back to her old daycare. This is a deep podcast now. Sorry, sorry. This is where we unpack our feelings, hold each other and cry. And maybe it won't just be Matt crying. I will also be crying by the end of this show as well. I would give it, how long has it been? Two weeks.

It's been two weeks. Give it another week. Okay. That's three weeks. I had planned on giving it four to six weeks. So like I was going to give it potentially how long has it been? Two weeks. It's been two weeks. Give it another week. Okay. That's three weeks. I had planned on giving it four to six weeks. So like I was going to give it potentially until Matt comes home. I do hope he stays in there longer than two weeks. Like if he comes home first, I think we've overshot it with how excited

we've been and how much like, whoa, you better do really well. Imagine if he gets out first. Oh, I don't think so. It'd be so anti-climatic. There's got to be someone worse than him in there. You better do really well. Imagine if he gets out first. Oh, I don't think so. It'd be so anticlimactic. There's gotta be someone worse than him in there. Like, that's... There has to be someone.

If Ray Gunn goes in, she's out first. Surely. Do you know what they'll say? They'll say, there's no kangaroos allowed in here. Now bounce your way out of here, Jane. I don't know. There's been so many rumours. I think it's a very big possibility.

Ugh, it is gonna be her. By the time this comes out, we'll know. So like, we're all gonna know that she's in there or not. But anyway. We a very big possibility. It is going to be her. By the time this comes out, we'll know. So we're all going to know that she's in there or not. But anyway. We'll do a big up. Well, that is all the updates in the Burn Johnson household. I can't wait for a couple of days. I want to see the girls' reaction.

I'm going to watch this season. Are you going to come to our house potentially on Sunday night? You guys should both come. That's a great idea. Come and do a watch party. Can I? I've invited a lot of people over, but it's like- Can I be drunk?

Yes. You can stay. You can stay the night. I do have an event in the afternoon, but I can come afterwards because I'm a busy man. You are so popular. I'm going to the basketball. Okay. So you will waltz in drunk. Oh yeah. I'll be tanked. Great. Perfect. That's exactly how I like you.

Ash, what has been happening in your household? Macy's taken it upon herself to toilet train herself. Well done. I always knew she was a genius. I know. Well, we look, we're trying to, we're trying to toilet train her, but only because she's pretty much forcing it upon us. She's just taking a nappy off everywhere.

So we're, and we're, look, we highly encourage it straight away. How old is Macy now? Just three. Oh, that's, it's like prime. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm, I'm like with her on it. I was like, oh, sweet.

Cause we were going to anyway. So how do you go about the toilet training? Like, how do you approach this? So during the day we're in, in undies and it's the constant, do you need to go to the toilet? What do you do if you go to the toilet, need to go to the toilet? She's got a little toilet shaped potty, like a proper looking toilet thing, which she loves. It's pink. It's beautiful.

Gorgeous. I wish I had one. She's, when she go, when you're like, we can get you one. They're from Cayman. Child size though. Yeah. I'd use it. Although we've, I've heard about your shits. It's full to the brim. So what's single use?

Single, they are. Because you can take it out, put it in the toilet, wash it. Obviously she loves it. But she just disappears. You're like, where's Macy? And you look down the hall and she's sitting on it, which is great. So she's really good. The first little while she would just, I don't know, with kids, if they're into something, they're doing something, they just piss, right? What? Like, so like early days. You mean if she's distracted, she's not thinking about the toilet.

She'll just go and do a wee. That camera comes like she's real simple. She'll just wait because she thinks she forgets that she's not in a nappy anymore. Do you have underwear on her? Yes. Okay, that's where you're going wrong. Pantless. So no pants at all.

And you just like, you have to just suck it up and do three days staying at home. Don't suck the piss up. Just stay at home. Oh damn. Easy clean up. With a paper straw for the environment of course. Think of the turtles. You've got to do three days of no pants, no underwear, just be at home.

So it's like as close to the potty as possible so she can easily access it. But it's almost like I find that having them with no pants on is their constant reminder that when they need to go, they need to go to the toilet. Whereas when they've got underwear on, they think it's a nappy. So they're not actually thinking about the fact that they need to go. So I am, I mean, one thing that I think we, we didn't have as many struggles with when it comes to like parenting was the potty training thing. I had a friend who was like, just once you've made the decision, don't do any of this.

Oh, we'll put a nappy on when we go out of the house and then we'll, they're like, you just got to, you got to bite the bullet. You got to go three days hardcore, no pants for three days. Just stay at home and within three days, they will be so close to being potty trained that you can like manage it way better. We're way past the three days, unfortunately. And, but like we still wears a nappy when she goes to bed.

Cause I don't want her to wash the sheets every day. Lola still wears a nappy. Yeah, but she takes it off. Even when we were leaving the house, we were still in Undy's work. We had ditched the nappies during the day, which is great. Because then we'd be like, we can't go anywhere until you've weed. Right. And I think it was like two or three days in, it was really just after Christmas. And we went to this new park that's sort of

been done up near our place in the afternoon. Great. And it's got like a really big windy slide. Amazing. Fun. Kids are playing, having a great time. I know where this is going. It's perfect.

And I'm at the bottom of the slide and I just see a trickle of what I thought at the time was water. And it's slowly built up a puddle at the bottom of the slide. And I was like, what the fuck? There's kids, there's more than just my kids there. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And I was like, maybe someone's poured like a bottle of water down there and then Macy comes sliding into her own pool of piss.

It's Macy's own water slide. She literally, and I was like, what the fuck? And she slid through and then she gets off the slide and goes, he's wet. Like she didn't know. And I was like, fuck. Had you packed spare clothes? We did. We packed spare clothes, thankfully, but like we didn't have any wipes to wipe the slide down.

Fuck it. That's someone else's problem. Macy's got her own wet and wild going on. She's just like, weee here it comes. Slip and slide was so good over Christmas. So I got the, what she was in, she was in a dress. I took the dress off, put her in a new dress. I sent Oscar up there with the wet dress to come back down the slide to clean the wee off the slide. That was very responsible of you. I can't be sure that I would have done that. There was people right there and I thought- I think I would have walked away. If there was no one there, I'm leaving that piece to dry up. It's like when your dog does a poo, but it's nighttime and you're like, could I get away with this? Should I pick this up? Or the fake pick up? I always do. Always.

Lies. The fake pickup, my old man used to do the fake pickup. Is the fake pickup where you just pick up next to it but you don't actually pick it up? Yeah. Yeah. Don't know what you're talking about. No me either. We had these things with my friends where it would be like if you went to go and pick up your dog shit, everyone, someone would film you being like, eww, so childish. There is still, so from when Matt and I, like when The Bachelor was on air a million years ago now, there is still Pat Pictures and it's a series of Pat Pictures of just of me picking up dog shit. That's good gear.

And it was a full Daily Mail article just about me being environmentally conscious and how I clean up after my dog. So if anyone ever- Little did I know, you eat it after the- What the fuck? It was tough times back then. Yeah, I feel like with dog shit is if you don't pick it up, you're just going to step in it along the line. It's a cycle, I feel like with dog shit is if you don't pick it up, you're just going to step

in it along the line. It's a cycle, I think. Like karma. It's karma. I saw this fantastic TikTok or Instagram or something the other day and this mum was talking about how she was going through the stage of potty training, right? And she said, the thing that's the hardest is when you know that your kid has done a shit somewhere, but you just don't know where, right?

So she was like, I can smell it. I know that it's happened. You become a bloodhound. Like a truffle pig? So she was walking around the house documenting like, where is the turd? Where is it? It's got to be somewhere. That'd be a really good idea for a book. And where's the turd?

A kid's book. Where's the turd? And the little boy has fallen asleep. He's asleep like next to the couch. So he hasn't fallen asleep in his bed. He's asleep just like next to the couch on the ground. The mom's walking around trying to find the poo. Oh, she finds it. It's in his hand.

He's falling asleep holding onto it next to his head. I'll try and find this. It was absolute gold. How comforting. You know how kids have that aversion where they think it's theirs? Like sometimes kids get upset when you flush it down the toilet or whatever because it's their part of their body. Yeah.

So he was just holding on. That's why I store all my semen. Jess's face. Oh Jess, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Where do you put it? Where do you put it? Never you mind. Jess's face. Oh Jess, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Where do you put it?

Huh? Where do you put it? Never you mind. Yeah, sorry. Too far. Too far. Top drawer. You would sell it on OnlyFans. You would do something. It would be a side business for you. It's completely, there's no swimmers in there if I have a vasectomy.

I know, but it's like the woman who sells the farts. Like it's of no use, but like someone buys it. Really? There's a woman on, yeah, there's a- She sells her farts? Yeah, there's a- She sells her farts. Yeah, there's another person that sells their armpit sweat. I, the dark holes I go down on the internet. You never even mind.

How much money can I make do you think? I don't know Ash, how much did you make from selling feet? None of your business. None of your business. Anyway, guys, so yeah, like I know when I changed Macy's nappy if she's done it, but she won't, she has to poo in a nappy still. She might be sitting on the toilet, but she has to be wearing a nappy. Oh, the comfort.

The comfort of it. Yeah. But I'll like whenever I try and change it, she's like, I want to see it. You know, like there's a connection that they have with it. I think every parent can like remember that, or if they're going through it themselves now, like the time when your kid's doing that transition of toilet training and they want you to put a nappy back on them so that they can go and do a poo. So you put a nappy on them and then they'll go and hide behind the couch and go red faced.

But you know that that's what they're doing, but they need the security of the nappy because yeah, poos are just a whole nother kettle of fish. So Macy will go into, and for some reason she picks our bedroom to be her place to poo. I would too. Yeah? Just shit on my fucking pillow. It's not your pillow. It's just a, it's comforting, you know? Being close to mum and dad. And she can't pronounce- It's a vulnerable moment.

She can't pronounce the letter T. So like I'll come up the hallway and I hear this, not yet. She's not ready for me to change it. So she's like, not yet, not yet. And then I'll walk in and it will fucking sting. And it's so, Macy is the sweetest little thing. She is cute. She's so cute. She is cute. Can you get a recording of not yet?

Yeah, I am. I feel like everyone needs to hear. Surely I've got one somewhere. The cuteness that is little Mason. She is, yeah. She's very cute at the moment. She's sort of trying to say more words. Like Oscar was such a yap-er.

He is a yap-er. Like his dad, he's just fucking yaps. Yaps, yaps. And I'm just like, fuck me. He's like, do you know what he's like? So my grandmother can talk the leg off a chair, literally. She can talk underwater with a mouthful of marbles. He's just like that. Well, at least you know that he's got some good genes. At least you know that that's your son. Oh yeah, he's definitely mine. I don't know where she came from. She's a ginger and she's white as

a goat. She glows in the dark. Even I was suspicious. Yeah, I was like, that's the Milkman's kid. I was like, has April explained herself on this one yet? No. Yeah. Getting cancelled. I do hope that I don't get you guys cancelled. Matt's done a really good job. If you do, it's meant to be.

Is it? Yeah. It doesn't matter. I have a question for you and I wonder if it's something that you've experienced with your kids. So, and I know I talk about Lola a lot and that's probably because Marley's, Marley is like quite reliable. She kind of doesn't do anything that's outside the ordinary

in terms of like, she's very consistent in her behavior and in her personality. She's a creature of habit, right? And she's like, it's tricky because I'm a creature of habit. No, Matt's a creature of habit. Same, I am too. Oh, right. I'm like same lunch every day.

Like I am such a person that likes to do the same thing on repeat. Like a serial killer? Yeah, yeah. Really similar. Similar traits when I think about it. I've always identified. Just to listen to you, if I go missing, you know, who the number one suspect is. Go on.

Well. Okay, so Marley's consistent. She also is like a little bit of a, you know, an A plus student kind of thing. Like she's very smart. She's very- Is this a humble brag? Is this a humble parent brag? My child's a genius.

She's so clever. Whereas Lola's a bit more radical. You don't know what you're going to get from her, right? Like she is the outlier and it keeps life interesting. And I think it's a second child thing, but who knows? It could just be the wild card of parenting. So Lola is now in a phase where if she hurts me, I'm in the wrong. So she scratched my face yesterday.

She got so angry at me that she, she lashed and scratched my face. This was preceding her screaming. I want my daddy. She, she did it to the cat and I said, don't do that to the cat. So then she turned around and did it to my face. And I was like, Hey, like we don't do that. And that really hurt. Like I got upset because she got me straight in the eye, but I didn't get angry. I didn't yell. I was just like, Whoa, like that's no, no, I didn't. I was really like, Whoa, like that, like you don't do that. That hurt mommy. Like mommy, mommy's upset that hurt me. And her response was, you hurt me!

And she- What, emotionally? I'm like, yeah, like I manipulated her because my hurt upset her. So then now she storms off and she manages to twist the situation. I told you she was a manipulator. She gaslighted me.

She's gaslighted. I'm being gaslit by a four year old. She's manipulating the whole household. So she manages to, I mean, obviously I don't apologize. I'm not like a battered mom, but at the same time I'm like, how do I explain to you that actually you're not always the one that's the victim in every situation? Challenging. I don't know.

Neither. I don't think I'm doing a good job at this parenting thing. I remember Macy hit April once at the beach, which tiny little Macy was like... She patted April on the cheek. Technically she patted April on the back, but it was at the beach, so skin on skin, it made a slap. And I think like, Macy's the one who cries. They might be embarrassed that they know they've done the wrong thing in front of you or to you. Yeah, yeah, but it's not an I'm sorry cry. It's a you hurt me cry.

Yeah, but I think that's a trigger response. I think that's a knee jerk trigger response because they don't understand the emotion or what it's called. I think they feel like I know when Oscar accidentally the other day, he poked me in the eye. It was a blatant accident. And my reaction straight away was because it fucking hurts. You get poked in the eye. You've only got two of them and you could lose them pretty quickly. I can imagine you were upset. They're bits of jelly in your head.

We all know what eyeballs are. If someone put their mouth over your eye and sucked hard enough it would come out. That's what we're dealing with here. I don't think that's true. Yeah, it would. Should we try? Go ahead. Anyway, he poked me in the eye. It was an accident, but my knee jerk response was, oh, fuck.

And he got really upset. Like, I... You swore at him. Shouldn't have. No, I didn't swear at him. I actually didn't say fuck. I just said that for comedic effect. I was like, ah, you c***.

No. You can say that. I was like, ah! Noticeably it hurt. Yeah. And it was clearly an accident, but he then got upset. Because you overreacted. With me about it.

Like I forced his finger into my eye. And I think it's the same thing. I think maybe she doesn't know the response or the emotion. I'm just going to get more upset. Yeah, it's like I'm going to get upset because then it counteracts. It's like, well, yeah. I don't know how to react when I've done the wrong thing. So instead I scream for my father, who I actually don't want at all.

I actually hate him more. If he was here, I'd hit him too. Poor Matt. God, he, all. I actually hate him more. If he was here, I'd hit him too. Poor Matt. God, he really drew the short straw. Don't pull Matt. No, I miss him. And he drew the short straw with that.

And I know that we're making jokes now, but in a week's time, I'm going to be so sad. I'm a pathetic puddle without that man. Never leave me, Matt, when you listen to this. It's all right. I hope you're out. Anyway, we're going on track here. I've got a scenario on a run by you. Great. That happened.

Not to me. I witnessed it. I'm a good people watcher. I love people watching. From the bush. That's a peeping tom. It's different. That's a wangle.

You look outside your window. You're like in the suburbs, down by someone's house. Yeah. We were. Through the window, when they're in the shower. It wasn't me. I just happened to witness it while I was stalking someone. Masturbating.

Sorry. Yes, I was. We were at the park and this particular park has a basketball court next to it. It's a half court. Just to paint your picture. Thank you. And there's, it's not overly busy. There's a teenager, I'm going to say teenager, he's probably like 20. That's how old I feel. Him and his girlfriend and he was playing on the basketball court along with another little boy that had a ball. And then there was a

mum there, right? With her pram, she had a baby in the pram and she had a smaller kid about Macy's age, two or three, around there somewhere. The smaller one's out of the pram, but the lady was standing in the middle of the basketball court, directly below the hoop, pretty much. Why? I don't know.

With her pram and her two year old kid that's running around. And so wait, was there another kid that was in the pram or the two year old kid was the kid that was in the pram? No, no, there was a smaller baby in the pram. The two babies. She's standing there. In the middle of the basketball court, used predominantly for basketball. And there are people trying to play basketball. There's a guy trying. I watched him for a while because he was like talking to his girlfriend

and then watched, saw they were there and waited, like politely waited and was like, I want to play, I'm here to play basketball, you're in the basketball court. And then he's gone, fuck it. He started to bounce the ball just around to sort of give the idea that you're in the middle of the basketball court here. I know your kids run in circles around the thing, whatever. There's a whole playground right there for that sort of stuff. And then he sort of stands next to them a little bit,

like he's kind of like edging them out to be like, if a ball hits your kid, it'll probably knock the kid out, you're standing in the wrong spot. And she has just completely ignored him, and he's gone and thrown the ball into the hoop. And she turns to him and goes, you could hit my kid with that ball. And he, and I watched it, he stood his ground and he said, this is a basketball court. And he's, she's like, you need to be more careful.

You need to be more careful. You could have hit my kid with your ball, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. If it wasn't a basketball court and there's a ball flying around. And we all know how much you like basketball. I love it. I understand. Got to shoot some hoops. Yeah.

You're a baller. And he stood his ground and was like, hey, you are standing beneath a hoop with a pram with a newborn, pretty much a baby in it. And you're letting your two year old run around on a basketball court with no basketball and then you want to have a dig at me for doing what the purpose of this is. I have a question for you. What side of this argument do you sit on? I'm on the kid who wanted to play basketball side. I am, but I think he went about it the wrong way. I think he lacks the ability to have a conversation.

I think the smarter way would have just been, hey, do you mind moving? There's a playground right there. Yeah, I'm not saying he's perfect. And we want to play basketball. I'm also saying he's a teenager too. Yeah, I know. I get that. But I also think that like just because you might technically be in the right doing something that then puts someone in danger, puts you in the wrong. That's the problem, right? It's like the way it's the reaction to the problem that then means she probably reacted in a way that she wouldn't have had he just said, oh, we want to play basketball.

Could you move? Yeah. I also think like some self-awareness. Yeah. And I, and I do genuinely think, and this might get me in trouble from like other moms, maybe, but they're, they're definitely our parents who think that them being parents is the most important thing. Like the entitlement. That they're, that they're, yeah, that there's this sense of like, well, I have a baby and I have a pram, especially a really little baby. You kind of expect that everyone else gets out of the way for you,

I think, to some degree, and it doesn't always work like that. So maybe she is someone who has that sense of entitlement. Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't think that in that situation, I'm completely on his side. I just think he went about the wrong way. For sure. I feel like anything could be indicated with communication, right? Heads! And then because of fucking balls, it just comes down into a pram. You're standing directly under a fucking basketball hoop, for God's sake, with a baby in your

pram and your two-year-old running amok next to a playground where they can do that stuff safely. Yeah. Yeah. I understand your fury. I am on your side. She, this is the thing, right? She stormed off after pulling the I'm the mom card, stormed off sort of past me and looked at me to be like, I'm on your side. I was like, Ooh, don't make eye contact. I, yeah. I don't know. I don't know. My thing is, is like, maybe I would have reacted like her as well. I think I-

Not on purpose, only because like, if I had done something like that without realising, but then a kid, who is it still a kid, like a young guy, reacted in a way that was a bit reckless. I probably would have turned around and pulled the mom card of like, fucking grow up you little shit. You know? But at the same time, you've gotta be like,

it's not all about me. Can I tell you one time that I was filled, I mean, I probably could just say this, I've got actually content to talk about the next time I'm on this podcast, but whatever, I'll blow my load. The not- Excuse The nut of content. Oh, good.

The one thing that like... I thought I was sat next to Matt again. Sorry. The one thing that comes to mind when I think about like being absolutely enraged as a parent. Like to the point where I was like, I wanted... I've never been so angry that I like wanted to hurt another person. Right? And I was like, I'm going to spit on this girl. What? I was like, I wanted, I've never been so angry that I like wanted to hurt another person, right? And I was like, I'm going to spit on this girl. I was furious.

I want to break her windscreen wipers. Like it was road rage as well. So it acts like a different kind of rage when you like, it's like, it, you can't even describe it. I was filled with so much hatred. So Lola was a newborn baby. Well, actually that's a lie. She must've been, oh, when was it?

Okay, irrelevant. She was little. She was little. I had Marley in the car as well and we were driving around. It was like peak fucking Christmas. So she must have been like 10 months then. So, or nine months. It was peak Christmas time.

We were trying to drive around to find a car park in Bonnet Junction. I had been driving around for 45 fucking minutes and this was like Christmas Eve with two kids in the car. Don't ask me why I was doing it, but I was. Marley's screaming, Lola's screaming. All I needed to do was duck in and get one thing. And I had been circling around where the parents parking the cars are. Anyway, I had my indicator on to go into this car park and this other woman just

zipped in and took the parent, like the woman with prams, it's got a picture of prams, she zipped in and took it. And I then, like I obviously called her out and I was like, oh my, I was like, dude, I have two kids in the car. You can hear them. You could see I was going into that park and you just took it. And she goes, well, that's your fault for having children. And I was like, I will kill you!

Oh my God, that's warranted. That's just rudeness. I was so angry. That is outright, that's outrageous. I called Matt and I was like, I am going to snap this woman's windscreen wipers off. And he was like, don't do it. And I was like, I'm going to buy a smoothie and throw it on her window. And he was like, don't do it.

He talked me back off a ledge. Oh my God. But that is my Roman Empire. I think of that moment. All the time. All the time. Yeah. I'm not a rage-filled person.

No, I know. I know that. And I wanted to physically calm her. Yeah. Look, I think that, look, that's just straight up rudeness. I was like, I wish your mum never had a child. I think like- I wish she was swallowed. I was filled with it. I was filled with it. I was like, I wish your mum never had a child. I think like... Wish she was swallowed. I was filled with it. I couldn't... Wow.

So many... And there's a thing when you think back at it, you think, what I could have done, what I should have said, what I can say, what I... Oh, so many missed opportunities. I said nothing because I was so startled. And then all of the responses came to me for weeks afterwards. I'd be in the shower brushing my teeth and I'd be like, damn it! Laura.

Yes. It's time for some Listener Questions. Yes, it is. Good. You've read my mind. All right. I've got one for you. Okay. So this comes off the back of a... Do you call this Ask Two Doting Dads? No. Just listening to questions. Just listening to questions. You should get a name for this segment.

Ask on Cuts Good. Too hard. Can you cut that out, please? All right, what do you have for me? Okay, so we did have a guest on the podcast a little while back, Steph Clear-Smith, who is currently pregnant. There has never been a more attractive pregnant person. Like she's frighteningly, I never knew I was attractive to pregnant women, but here we

are. I know, like she popped out so like perfectly forward. She's just, oh god. Like if she was, if you're looking at her from the back, you'd be like, oh there's Steph, and then she turns around and is like, Oh my God, you're pregnant. Yes. So yes. And she's having trouble with her eldest child. Harvey?

Is that his name? Yes. Uh, she hasn't asked me to ask this question, but I noticed that she's having problems with his sleep, uh, and how clingy he is, but we have had a question from a listener, similar circumstance. So I thought we'd touch on it. Okay. Now the question is-

I knew that Steph Glassmith really wanted advice from us, so I'm glad that she- She doesn't want advice from us. She might from you, not from me. I don't think so. Not from me. I think she's doing just fine. Yes. So, the question is, I'm currently pregnant with my second child.

My first, who is four, is acting very clingy. They won't let me go to sleep. What do I do? Oh, man, that's so hard. My first, who is four, is acting very clingy. They won't let me go to sleep. What do I do? Oh man, that's so hard. I mean, there's probably lots of things that you can do in this situation. I would probably check, as in like, you know, have a little mental check and see if you think you're spending enough one-on-one time with them because big change is happening.

Kids don't understand what that change is, but they know that a baby's coming, which means less attention for them, less time for them, and that mum's occupied with something else, you know? And there's lots of excitement talking about this new baby. But I think, because like Marley and Lola are really close in age. And I think one thing that helped us

was getting Marali excited about being a big sister and about all the things that it's going to mean for her as well. That's not to say that once Lola came, like she was so jealous and it was really hard and we had loads of those clingy periods, but trying to make it more about her rather than about the baby. And also the second thing that we had to do, which helped, like I can't even tell you how much it helped, was just me having really like designated one on one time with Marley. So like I would take Marley to go and get her nails done or I would take Marley for a walk just us and we'd go get ice cream.

And I know that like you obviously can't just leave the baby at home because it's in your belly, but it's like just not with dad having time, just the two of you, where you don't talk about the baby, you don't talk about pregnancy and you just focus on them and their little wants and needs. Like, I don't know, I think that that's probably all you can do. Like it's only going to be a couple of months. It's a phase. But the fact that like not letting mum go to sleep. That means everyone's tied in the house. At what point do you just go, jump into bed with me, and that's your time and create that bad habit, but then also get sleep?

No, because then you've got to break that bad habit once baby comes along, and then it's like hell on earth, literally hell on earth. I also have that kind of question in this time. I think we can all do it where, like, when you're pregnant, everything, it almost becomes part of your personality, right? Like your personality becomes that you're pregnant. Everyone talks about your pregnancy.

Everyone's asking about it. It's like all of the focus goes from everything else in the world to the fact that you're pregnant. That's like a really exciting thing. And I wonder if like your little kid is picking up on that. And they feel a little bit like, okay, well the most exciting thing that's happening in mum's life is that mum's pregnant. Yeah. What about me?

Yeah. And everyone's talking about the pregnancy and we're always talking about the baby, but like, but like I'm here, you know, and kids are like inbuilt. It's a, I was actually listening, it's probably going too deep, but whatever. We'll go there. I was listening to a child psychologist talk about how siblings are actually really in competition with each other. Like as much as they love each other, they also see each other as like a direct threat, a direct threat, a direct threat to their attention source or a direct threat to the thing that keeps them safe and makes them feel loved. And so it's almost like it's started already, but for you, it's just the baby's not born yet. But that direct

threat is still there. That, you know, that little child still knows, fuck, like I've got to work so much harder for mum's attention now. It's all, it's like all the attention has been taken away from you when it's been with you for the whole time. Yeah. I mean, I look back on having Lola and I, my biggest regret is that I think, I loved it at the time, the idea of having them really close together. And I love it now, but when they were really little, I found that it made Marley grow up too quickly and

she no longer was the baby. Even though I look back on photos and I'm like, holy shit, you're in a nappy. You were a baby. Oh yeah. They were only 19 months apart or something. And I think that that was a bit unfair on her because she didn't get to be the baby for very long. And she kind of got thrusted onto Matt and I took Lola and I don't know, I can,

I now look back and I understand why she had the moments of like neediness that she had. But at the time I was like, oh my God, this is so hard. Get off me, let me go to sleep. You know, it's hell on earth when you don't get sleep. It's the worst part of those early years of parenting. Yeah, so do you think that like, maybe the work can be done during the day, spend just a little

bit more one-on-one time and make it about them, you know, doing that last bed bath routine that you would do with them? 100%. One-on-one time. And if that doesn't work, melatonin. Co-sleeping forever. I still co-sleep. I still co-sleep with my mom. You would. Both the kids are in the bed now with me now that Matt's not here. Oh yeah, as soon as I go away or I'm not there for the night or whatever it might be, Oscar's like... He's gone, yeah, he's there. He's like, what do you mean you're away tonight?

Like your spot is still warm and Oscar just like slides on in. I just worry like when Matt comes home, he's never gonna be able to sleep in the bed again. We've gone back to square one. That's the dream. I gotta finish the episode now. I'm nervous. What are you nervous about? Don't you know what we do at the end?

What do you do? We all get naked. Jess, you're first. She's back there lurking. She's like, already got my pants off. Jess being naked the whole time. She's like, I already got my pants off. Just be naked the whole time. She's like, you can only see from the neck up. Anyway.

Well guys, that is it from us. Thank you for having me on the podcast. Yes, you'll be back next week. I will be. So if you do have questions for Laura on the Facebook group I've asked. Yeah, maybe I'll put up a question box as well. If you have any parenting, tutoring, dad questions that you want a mum to answer, I'm here. Cheeky plug.

If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave a review. Five stars. If you're gonna leave a review, you'd hope it's five stars. Anything less than that would be annoying, wouldn't it? Eh, it is what it is. One. We got one saying, get your own slogan. It was like, must be nice.

It was so funny. I did read that, I did. Did you see the one that was just like, no. It was so fun. I did read that. I did. Did you see the one that was just like, no, it was one star. Anyway that is it. Join us on socials as well. Tooting Dads on Instagram, like I said, the Facebook group. Also TikTok. We also have a couple of calendars left.

What else can I plug in this little section here? You do. There's actually quite a few of the raunchy ranch calendars that are at my house currently. And I think that if you want to get someone a present in January, now is the time to get a calendar to get your life in order for 2025. Just never mind the little typo on March. Apart from that, it is perfect. Well said. It's a beautiful, beautiful calendar. Also, and I think before we wrap this up, we have a very, very important request.

Please go and vote for my husband, whether you've enjoyed this or not. If you've really enjoyed it, the way to keep Matt away longer is by going, joining, I think it's 10 play, you've got to sign up and you can vote for Matty J in the jungle. Let's see him eat a zebra asshole. It'll make everyone happy. Just obsession with this zebra asshole. It's kind of just a running joke with Matt and I. I'm going to actually get him as ever as asshole. That's it from us.

See you guys. I'm trying to get pregnant. Are you? I'll tell you. With a baster. Matt, we're using condoms. We're using condoms and I just go and fish them out of the bin. That's a lot.

I don't. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.