Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #122 Naughty Street Kids, Poo Baths And Telling Off Over People's Offspring

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

Sometimes, your kid is a bully; other times, your kid stands up to the bully!  Matty's wife, Laura Byrne, joins us again this week as her significant other enjoys pig anus in the South African jungle.  The girls watched Daddy on I'm A Celeb...Get Me Out Of Here! and they were absolutely terrified. But trust Ashy Bashy (Marlie and Lola's nickname for Uncle Ash) to save the day.  Ash also has to wrangle his kids as he manages Macy's poo-escapades and Oscar's out-of-line behaviour!  VOTE TO KEEP MATTY J IN THE JUNGLE!  https://10play.com.au/im-a-celebrity-get-me-out-of-here/trialhttps://10play.com.au/im-a-celebrity-get-me-out-of-here/save 2025 Raunchy Ranch Calendar IS STILL ON SALE!  https://budgysmuggler.com.au/products/two-doting-dads-raunchy-ranch  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Who would you rather fuck, marry or kill? Trump? That's good. Zuckerberg? Elon Musk? Ooh, you gotta kill Trump, don't you? Mmm. It's way newsworthy.

You'd fuck Mark and you'd marry Elon. Yeah. Yeah. I think Mark's better look at it slightly. He's got a bit more swag. Okay, we don't need to keep this. Let's go. Wonder what the...

Come on, come on, come on, come on. We're running on time. I was gonna say, wonder what his lower back looks like. Anyway. Ew. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. Well, one doting dad and one doting mum. It is the wife and the mother of Lola and Marley. Wait. I'm not the wife of Lola and Marley. Nope, let me go. Let me start that again. It's the wife of Maddie J, but the mother of Lola and Marley.

Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me back. That's okay. So delightful. It's nice feeling in for my husband. Who do I send the invoice to though? Jess.

Matt? Send it to Matt. This is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad and the. Relatable. Yeah. And if you came here for any advice, the bad and the... Relatable. Yeah. And if you came here for any advice, scram. I don't know how to...

Scram! Get out of here. This is week two of Dealing Without Matt, Living Without Matt. Sorry. Can I talk today? No. I do think that we have, we are both doing a particularly good job of it because Matt is the glue that keeps the, well actually no, Jess, your producer is the glue that keeps this podcast together. But Matt also is a very important binding substance. Like semen. Actually, I don't know about you, you fucking maniac. I think that Matt is the very important glue that keeps our family together.

I just kind of, Matt is the organizer of our household. He's the diary person. He's the calendar person. He's the calendar person. He books the appointments. Like he is, he is the literally the binding agent. He does all that for me too. And I just waft through life and I feel a little bit scatterbrained at the moment with Adam and with him gone. It's been really hard. How many days has it been?

He's been gone since last Monday. So it's now been what? Seven, eight, nine days. Wow. Nine days. But hear me out. I originally thought that it was going to be incredibly hard without him. And don't get me wrong, I miss him heaps. I really do. I miss him so much. And I've enjoyed watching him.

There's been some really like proud moments that I've had of him being on the show so far. But what I underestimated is how much time a relationship actually takes. The coming home from work and talking about your day to your partner or all the calls during the day. So I kind of originally, when I thought, Oh my God, I'm going to have to parent with our mat and then I'm going to have to work. And it's just all this stuff. I hadn't factored in how much free time I would have when I didn't have to have a

relationship. So you started another business. I was have when I didn't have to have a relationship with him. So you started another business, is that what you're saying? I was like, I've never been so productive. I was like, actually, it's more efficient. It's not as filled with love, but it's definitely way more efficient. So what you find yourself, you get home. Well, yeah, I suppose you do.

You two definitely text and stuff all day. I don't talk to April all day. I wouldn't know where she is. Matt calls me minimum eight times a day. No, not for me. You guys also kiss in public. What's that about? We love each other. Oh is that what that is? Is that what that is? I had a question for you. So Matt and I have been talking quite a bit about whether or not we want to have a third child and I know he's talked about it on this podcast. Yeah. But I don't know your opinion on it.

I know every time it's mentioned it just skips over. Like I don't exist. No, it is like you exist because when I talk to Britt about it, she's not thrilled. I'm not thrilled. Okay. It's really quite weird talking about wanting to have a third child and not having any of your closest friends happy about it.

Oh, thrilled and happy, very different. Okay, right. I think happy about, happy for you I would be. I sounded like Yoda then. Happy for you I would be. But not thrilled. But not thrilled about it. Because logistically already, I've got Matt and I both like run this podcast.

We both do a lot of parenting. Are you guys parents? Are we? I don't know. I forget. I'm just a best friend to my kids. And logistically it's like drop-offs, pick-up. You know what it's like.

It's like, oh, what am I trying to put? No. It's just an extra, you know, but I would be happy. Burden, one might call my third child. One would call your third unborn, unborn, non-existent child, non-existent fetus. My hypothetical child is a burden to both podcasts, but a joy to the world, one might say.

It'll get forgotten about. It will be. But like, you know, it's kind of, the kids will love it. Marley and Lola will even start. The kids will love it. They'll walk it,. It will be. But like you know it's kind of the kids will love it. Marley and Lola will love it. They'll walk it, they'll feed it. Just get another animal. It'll give them something to be responsible for. Do you know why I think it'd be a nightmare? Because you had got the cat and that was a nightmare. The cat has been great. The cat is she's giving back now. I told you I think I mentioned it last week on the show. She's a bad influence. She is. She's I said this she's a street cat. She's from the for she's bus back now. I told you, I think I mentioned it last week on the show. She's a bad influence. She is.

I said this. She's a street cat. She's bus shelter cat. She's getting sweeter. She sleeps in bed now, like with Lola specifically. She follows Lola around the house. That's cute. Yeah.

And then when Lola migrates from her bed to my bed in the middle of the night, the cat comes. I like it. I actually am considering putting Matt in the other room and the cat can sleep in the bed from now on. You should. Doesn't he sleep like this though? He's yes.

He sleeps with his elbows up. God, I forget the stories that he tells on this show. He literally sleeps with both elbows out like he's like two little triangles on either side and there's nothing less warm and cuddly and loving than waking up to an elbow facing you directly like to the eye. He's also skin and bones. It would be like Garnika for a cuddle against a skeleton.

You'd be like, come here. He will be when he comes back from Celeb. I know. I'm worried about him. Well, this, so we're recording this episode, we're recording a little bit early to fit in with the very busy schedules, but Matt's now been in the jungle for about a week and we were all together watching the very first episode. Launch party.

We had a launch party with all of Matt's friends and we let the kids stay up really late to watch him on the show and it didn't go down exactly as I expected it to. Yeah, I think the children in the room were a bit unsure about it, I think. I thought they were pretty good. I think I've tried to explain to Oscar where Macy's really concerned. Of course, because her husband's like covered in snakes and crying. They were just a bit overwhelmed. Yeah. I think we overshot it.

So I've always kind of expected that if I show enthusiasm for something and like, I'm excited about it, like, for example, when we went to the football, when we're really excited about something, even if it is a little bit contact or a bit violent, cause like even sometimes watching the footy can be a bit full on for kids. If we're excited about it, then they know that there's nothing to worry about and that everyone's fine.

And so I kind of thought, well, yeah, there might be some scary parts, but having everyone over at the house and everyone being excited, their format, they'll understand that even though it might seem a bit scary, like daddy's actually really excited about this thing that he's gonna do and they'll process it slightly differently. But I was very wrong. So

the episode started and it had only been on for maybe 15, 20 minutes and Marley was inconsolable. Will Barron That wasn't even on yet. Georgie Tunny I think it was the music and it was all of the, it was all of the previews of what was coming up. Will Barron Yeah, but of previous seasons the previews of what was coming up. Yeah, a bit of previous seasons. Horrifying. Do you remember, because Brit was there,

as we know Brit was on the show last season, and there was like a shot of her getting covered by a snake or something. There was all of the quick, quick fire shots with like the music, which look, if you're five and four years old or whatever, it's gonna be overwhelming. Yeah.

Daddy wasn't even on yet. So when Matt finally came on, Marley was, she was hysterical. And she kept saying, I just don't want daddy to be hurt. And I just don't want daddy to be scared. And it broke my little heart because now we're in a situation where she really wants to watch it. But she's absolutely fucking petrified of I'm a celeb. And I think I kind of learned something in that night. So I was trying to like rationalise with her and I, you can't rationalise with a five year old. I was like, I was like, daddy's okay. And like daddy's excited about it.

And you know, you know, when you're, when you're going swimming and you jump off and you jump into the pool and it's a bit scary, but it's exciting and you're proud of yourself after you've done it. And then she went from that, it was like she was half listening to me, then to then like screaming, crying again. And the only thing that seemed to distract her away from her manic crying was you Ash. I know. I come to the rescue. I had a cape on. I went with the parenting technique called distraction. Yeah, you did. And it was usually distraction or bribery that works well in our household. I don't know why I tried something else. You're trying to rational. You're like...

I'm holding space for your big feelings. Fucking... Here, here's a chocolate. Shut up. Yeah, here's a chocolate. Shut up. It was the... I'll give you a chocolate if you stop crying. It was the Matty J Bingo card. I saw him on the bench and producer Jess created a bingo thing for things Matt does. I actually thought it was a drinking game

and I was, at that point I was okay that you'd given my five year old a drinking game. So I was like, anything makes us stop crying. Anything that makes us stop crying. But the, I think the thought of her being able to tick off things her daddy does was something that was like, oh, instead of worrying about him, I can tick off things. And she got to put a sticker on, made a bad joke, because he made a bad joke immediately,

because that's his style. And then obviously last night he cried, which was a really nice moment. It was a beautiful moment. Then did he make a symbol? No. so unfortunately that was another reason why Marley started crying was because she was looking out for the love heart that we talked about on last episode. Matt has this symbol that he's going to do for the girls while he's in the jungle to show them that he's thinking of them and he just forgot to do it on

night one. Look he had other things going on. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. And Marley she clocked it that daddy did not think of her and she was quite upset. I recall because I was like, easy, honestly, you've been on TV for two minutes. But did he do it last night? He did it last night. Yeah. But she was asleep because the I'm a celebrity is no longer on TV at all ever. Smart. There's a parenting lie right there. That's very good.

She said, I want to watch daddy tonight. And I was like, unfortunately, it's just not on tonight. It's just the tennis. Just tennis. Actually, not a bad result. It's really, yeah. But I do recall Lola was pretty calm about it until he came on TV. No, Lola was calm about it until it was nine o'clock

and two hours past her bedtime. And then she was just, she was absolutely irate with tiredness. Oh, she did disappear. Because she got really upset. But then I realized actually she doesn't care about what happens to Matt. She's just tired. She needs to go to bed. So I took her upstairs. She's like, oh I can't feed him to the snakes already. I'm off to bed.

Don't wake me up. Because that's why I said to Marley I was like you were being ushered out of your house. I was like where's Lola? And she's like she's gone to sleep. I was like oh I wonder why it's not as loud as it usually is around here. Yeah. I do want to say though, I mean, you know,

if you guys are watching it, actually, do you know what? If you're not watching it, who cares? Go and sign up to Ten Play. You can vote 10 times a day to either get Matt into a trial or to keep him in the jungle. So if you're enjoying these episodes with just Ash and I, let's keep him in there forever. Keep him in there. But the only other thing I wanted to say about Celeb is you kind of touched on it, Ash. There was this really beautiful conversation that

happened between Reggie. Reggie, if you're not familiar with who she is, she is a two times winner of Big Brother. That's huge. To even be on that show back in its heyday was a big deal. I think it's unfathomable just how big that show was. Like you, if you were on that show and you did well on that show, like you were a mega Australian superstar. Like I remember as a kid, it was like Big Brother's on everyone's shut up. It got everyone's attention. And it was also the time of TV heyday

when like you didn't have digital TV. So everybody would go home and watch the same things. Like you had the attention of the nation. Yeah. So Reggie won big brother, normal big brother, and then she also won celebrity big brother. So she really, I mean, I think she's gonna be Matt's biggest competition

in the jungle. But Reggie is pretty amazing because she has immaculate degeneration. So she's been declared as legally blind and vision impaired. So she also has a son who has cystic fibrosis, which you just hear her story and you think like, fuck, how has one person been dealt so many blows? Um, and she really is just an incredible, incredible woman.

And Matt and her had this conversation, which I think if you watched it, I was bawling my eyes out around the struggles of her parenting. If you guys missed it, this was a really special part of something that Matt had to say. What were you missing the most, do you think? Seeing the kids, I think.

Just, I'll miss the kids. She's a mom who is afraid of never being able to see her kids again, cause she's going blind. You're like... All of a sudden my struggle seems so insignificant. He just held so much space to have that conversation with her. He was treading lightly but he was giving her so much room to show her feelings and then

you could see he was intently listening. Yeah, often we don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable. much room to show her feelings. And then you could see he was intently listening. Yeah, often we don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable. So often you don't go deep on those questions. Like if someone says, oh, my son has cystic fibrosis, you think, oh, I don't want to ask anything because I don't want to be inappropriate. And I don't want to push the envelope in saying something

that might be wrong. And I think most people are on the side of caution. And there was something really beautiful about him facing that question front on and having and allowing her to share her story. It was just like a really special piece of TV and I think that like genuine moments like that a few and far between on free-to-air TV and I had this I honestly just felt so proud of him. I was like fuck that was wow what a special special thing to witness. I was a bit emotional about it and I was also saying super proud with how he went

about it. Then obviously being able to show some vulnerability himself. Imagine if someone said to you like, there's a chance that you're not going to be able to, your kids will be there, but you're not going to be able to see them again. The last time you'll ever see your children. Which is fucked up. It's really, yeah. It's a crazy leveler. Isn't it? I think like once this show is all over and these guys are back out in the real world I'm putting it out there. I know I'm not gonna be on the podcast then but you guys are gonna interview Reggie

It's gonna be a great chat incredible Anyway, one thing I do hate about the show The ads? Fuck the ads. The ads are so bad. It's like do you know what it's like? It's kind kind of like the network, I'm not going to name the network, in case they want to work with me. I think they know who they are. I think everyone knows what you're referring to Ash. But I'm not going to say it.

So it's not you. It's Channel 10. It's kind of like the execs went, let's just put every ad into this one show. They did because it's the only show that everyone's watching. So they're like, we need to get our numbers up. See, Dan, yeah, I know. It's tricky, isn't it? And Robert Irwin will sell anything.

Yeah, it's literally just, it's just ads of Robert Irwin. It's just ads of Robert Irwin. My mate was like, oh, my favourite, my favourite host is Robert, but also my favourite ads are Robert. He's like, just ordered light and easy and that was it, hello, fresh. But it's like, oh, I get, I know why I can't watch free to air TV anymore. Like you guys both know I can't concentrate on anything for too long. Imagine

giving me a TV show and then being like, we're going to stop it right now. How are you watching I'm a Celeb or are you just intermittently watching the shorts that are up on Instagram? I'm that? I'm all over the place. The only time I intently watched it a little bit was at your place because we were all there. But even so. Yeah, producer Jess is saying you spent the whole time on your phone. I fucking did not.

All right. Well, look, I feel like we've covered enough I'm a Celeb chat. The man's not here so we don't have to talk about him for the rest of the episode. Yes we do! We're talking about how I'm dealing without him. We miss him. We miss him. We do. We do miss him. Deeply. Ash I have a question for you around whether you would or wouldn't step in as a parent, as an adult, when two kids are having a fight. So something happened to me yesterday. I was walking home from work and there were two young girls who clearly were sisters who were riding their Razor scooters just down past the IGA. They would have been like maybe nine and seven. Just old. Helmets?

No, actually. Scandalous. Just old enough to have probably been like, you know, mum and dad would have been at home, but they obviously just lived on the street or lived around that area, right? I can't wait for my kids to live on the street. Get out of here kids, you're seven and nine now. How'd you go? So you're telling me I've only got to wait a few more years and I can get rid of them? Yeah, apparently that's what they do on Paddington. He's a swag, he's a sleeping bag, get the fuck out of my house. The kids aren't living on the street. They lived in a house on that street.

Right, I'm guessing. Can't take it back now. So the little girls are riding their scooters side by side and then the older girl must have hit like a little divot in the road or something because she like zunk and she knocked into the younger girl and the young girl fucking axed herself. She went flying. Well, they both kind of went flying, but the younger girl actually hurt herself. So I ran over and I was like, Oh my God, are you okay? Beat it, witch woman, leave us alone.

My mommy said don't talk to strangers. So this little girl stood up and she was obviously so embarrassed and filled with rage to her sister because her sister was the problem. She kicked her sister so fucking hard straight in the vagina. She kicked her sister. Like a full vag kick. So hard. And I had- It's like an uppercut to the chin.

Literally. But to the chin. Literally. To the vagina. With joggers on. Oh my god. Like a little animal. Anyway, I was so taken aback because firstly I kicked into like parent gear where I was like-

I thought you were just gonna say, oh I kicked her as well. You kicked her. Sorry. I was so taken aback that I kicked into parenting gear because I ran over to be like, hey, you okay? And then I was like, excuse me, don't kick your sister. And then I realised I was parenting someone else's kids on the street. Like, and I had a moment where I was like, have I crossed a line here?

Should I just let them, let them sort it out? Just throw it out, you reckon? No, I think you've done the right thing. Do we? I think if there's no, if their parents aren't around, you have every right to be like, I'm an adult, because that's how you, in society, you're seen as an adult. You're 18, you can drink, you can do this sort of stuff

that kids can't do. And I think you can easily say, hey, don't kick your fucking sister. In the vagina. In the vagina. In the vagina. Do it in the shit. Kick her in the face. Kick her somewhere more appropriate.

I think you're in every right to be like, hey, you can't let them jewel it out on the street. You're just throwing money at them. Would you step in though? Because I asked this question of a girlfriend of mine who's also a great parent, actually it was Matt's sister. And she was like, not my circus, not my clowns. I would not say anything if it was someone else's kids.

And I found that interesting because the parental urge in me just could not stop myself. I think like, yes, it's each to their own, whether they want to get involved or not. But I think you, in what capacity, I think you just said the right thing saying, hey, don't kick your sister. I've been grounded for a week. She's still grounded. Good thing she lives on the street. She's like, I'm fine out here. I look, I am known for telling off other people's kids. And I did have an instance where it backfired. What happened? If you'd like to hear about that. Let me cast you back.

It was back when Macy was somewhere between six and nine months old, maybe not, closer to the nine month mark. So she's still really little, sitting up on her own, but that's probably about it. And I went down and met a mate at a pub near my place that has like a little play area for kids. It's not, there's not big jungle gyms or anything. It's just like a small little play area. Good for little kids, but like anything over about five they get bored instantly. Yeah, I met my mate. It was just us and Macy. We go into the kids area. This block of wood comes flying past.

By who? Exactly. It's a bigger kid. Knock. I leered over with my death stare. I'd be frightened of you if I was a kid. Really, what? You got tattoos, you look scary. Yeah. To a kid.

Yeah. We know you're a big softie. This kid wasn't scared of me. He would have been like 10. Okay, right. Okay, and he's obviously there, his family's off, whatever. He's there with his little brother and they're laughing about it and whatever. And I was like, all right, well, maybe it was just a one-off. And then another block comes flying across the room. And I was like, can you not? And they were like, what are you going to do about it? What

are you going to do about it? And then another block comes across and I just stand up and I've got Macy, she's tiny and I was like, can you stop throwing fucking blocks? Like I lost it. Oh, the other ways you could have dealt with it first, but cool. We went there. I was still a new parent. It escalated. Look, that is not right.

If it wasn't, you're not a new parent. You've got an older kid. That was wrong of me. Yes. Okay. That was wrong of me to use the language Anyway, that seemed to get his attention because he little brother was like you can't use naughty words And they both ran off and I thought that's a dub on you. Yeah, but I didn't know that at the time I just thought they'd ran off and I was like fuck like thank God and

And I'm sitting there and then I see the kid come back around the corner and he's come back around the corner with Dad. Anyway, Dad's about six foot four, 130 plus kilos, full beard covered in tattoos. Oh, so that's why he wasn't frightened of you. That's why he wasn't frightened. You're like the miniature version of daddy.

He was like, you look like my dad, but small. You look like my dad when my dad was a teenager. He was like pretty pubescent dad. And I was like, Oh, fuck. And then I was looking around for my mate. He's disappeared. So I've just sat there with like a nine month old baby. Fuck. And then he took one look at me, eyeballed me, like, you're fucking going to get it,

looked down, saw Macy and how little she is, tiny, put two and two together, turned to his kid, and was like, don't throw blocks. And then he looked at me and he goes, just don't use that language around my kids. And I was like, okay. Did he smack your bottom as well? He was like, come over here. And then he turned around. I was like, hi guys. Did he smack your bottom as well? He was like, come over here, let me in. And then he turned around and I was like, yes sir, see you sir. Absolutely fair. And also good on him for knowing that like his kids are not the ones that are always in the right, you know?

Yeah, I was expecting fireworks and I was going to stand my ground. I was going to let my daughter watch me get beat down completely or run away. You take her! I should have known, because the kid was quite a big kid. Quite burly. What should you have known? He's got a big burly dad that's gonna come after me. The kid was actually only five. He like staunched around the corner and I was like, you know in like Madagascar, we had a big hippopotamus. It was like, I like him chunky.

That's what it was like. But he was covered in tattoos. And I was like, oh, fuck. I don't know what you're talking about, but the visual image was good. Yeah, this is a big guy. I actually have a park story for you as well. So this is a nice little segue. Okay.

But it was also a moment where I thought as a parent, I would have to step in. But actually it was Lola who fucking showed up and I was like thank you for having a backbone. So what do you mean she showed up? So she has older cousins I don't know if Matt's spoken about them before on the show but he has three. George. You're cute. You're like whacking that around. I can't wha- George. Yeah so, well, we both do. We have three nieces and nephews. George, who's eight. Millie, who is seven, and Charlotte is five.

And then obviously, like, Marley's smack in the middle of that. She's five. And then there is Lola, who is the baby, three years old. So eight year old is the eldest. Eight year old is the eldest. Lola's not three. She's almost four. She turns four in two weeks.

Second affair? Second affair. But this was a couple of weeks ago. So she was still, you know, we're still calling her three. It was pre-Christmas. Three and three quarters. We were down in Mollymork, right? And there's this big playground in Mollymork.

It's a really cool playground. There's so many different sections and it's quite hard to keep an eye on five kids running around like fucking manic in this playground. Is it fenced in? Fenced in. That's right. But loads of different little areas where they can play. And there's this one area where it's just bushes but it's been hollowed out so the kids have almost made like little tracks through the bushes so that you can, it's a really small, it's not deep or anything but kids can kind of go into the little tunnel in the bushes and then they can come out the other side.

The kids made this. The kids have made it. Yeah. So they got bored of the real park and created their own park. They made like a little rabbit's warren that goes through the bush. Anyway, all my kids had gone in and the cousins as well. So all five of them were in this little rabbit's warren together and they were playing in there having a great time.

After a little while, I realised and clocked that there were some other kids in there. And I was like, I'm just going to go and check because they look like they're older kids. And they were... They look like bad news, those kids. They're like, they were street kids as well. Seven and nine? I know about you guys. Street kids. Street kids.

So I clocked it and I kind of got a bit closer, but I was like, oh, nah, they seem like they're fine. Walked back over to where Kate was standing, that sister. And then all of a sudden I see all of the kids run out, except for Lola, right? So all the kids have run out and they're looking a bit upset and they're looking for us. And I was like, well, what's going on here? So anyway, I get Marley and I'm like,

what's happened? Fucking can't find Lola, she's nowhere to be seen. And these three little boys that were in the tunnel as well were saying bad words and were being naughty and had trapped the kids in the tunnel. They'd been trying to get out for a while, but they couldn't get out. The boys had blocked the end of the tunnel. And so then I was like, shit, Lola's still in there. So I run over and at the same time Lola comes out. It was just like saunters out. She's beach slapped all the way. And George, who's eight years old, was like, mom, those boys in there said,

we're little bitches. And we were like, what, like what happened? What did you say? And he goes, I didn't say anything. But Lola said, we're not bitches, you're bitches. And so all the kids ran out and Lola stayed in there to have a biff with them about them using bad words. And there was something in me that just, I was just so filled with pride over that. I was like, good on you. When a kid like, when your kid stands up to like another kid.

I also don't think she knows what it means. We're not bitches. You're bitches. I could just imagine it. Once I heard Oscar say to a kid, beat it. This kid like. And Oscar is the sweetest little thing. He was like, beat it. And I was like, yeah. How big's your dad? Hey, speaking of, speaking of your kids and updates, we touched on something last week, which was Macy's potty training experiences and journey, the potty training journey, the chronicles of the potty. Yeah, just a quick update.

She's doing really well. She's still pooping in a nappy, but she's done this thing where she poops in a nappy, but She she only poops it when she gets into bed at night So fucking annoying. So you've got to go in there like April's gonna go in there. I'm like in there She's like scalpel. It's like wipe wipe and she's like got a head torch on so you're doing it as a tag team Tag team in that yeah, okay, so make it faster. I'm not actually doing it I'm just handing her things, but if I don't hand them quick enough she's like, damn it, faster! Not to one-up you on this situation, but the only thing worse than a night shit is a bath shit. And Marley went through a phase when she was a kid where the warm water just got something going and every single night for about seven weeks, she pooped in the bath.

I know, Macy's done it. Oscar had never done it. It was horrifying. But Macy and Oscar bathed together and when they were a little bit younger and Macy was every now and then doing a poo in the bath, you'd hear Oscar be like, oh no! Oh no, it's happening! It's happening again! And Macy's like, I haven't a laugh. She's like, she's pooing in the bath! And then it all gets stuck in the sink. And then you have to fish it out. It's like vomiting in a sink. It's the same concept. I took a photo of it first. Jess is horrified sitting here in the grown

up. Could you suggest, how did I end up on this podcast? It's funny, I was like, oh no! Oh no! It just panicked sets in. Marley would do it that frequently that we got to the stage where we were like, we're not refilling a bath to re-wash her. We'd just pick her up then put her underneath the shower. So she'd have a bath, we'd wash her, anytime she'd poo, shower would go on, rinse her off. Off we go. I told the story about Oscar peeing in the bath with his sister in there, but he would must have been a little bit dehydrated.

So it went really yellow. So we were like, what the fuck do? He was like, are you always pee in the bath? And I'm like, I never noticed cause you're so hydrated. Wait, you do it or he does it? He does. Every time. I feel like all kids do though.

They do. They won't tell you. All adults do as well. What? You peeeing in a bath? I don't have a bath, but you pee in the shower. Oh yeah. It's all the same drains. It's just warm. As soon as you get into warm water, your body's like... It's also like a gateway for pooing in the shower.

No, you only... You do that once and then you realize it's really ineffective and never do it again. Yeah, you only do it when you've got like gastro and you're like, oh, no, can we move on from this? Let me get back on. Okay. The waffle stomp though, just so we can stand on this for one second, is something that everyone discovers at around like seven or eight years old. They try it and then they freak the fuck out because it's not going down.

How big of your shit? And they never do it again. No, yeah. I look, I've never been a fan. Back to Macy. Back to Macy. Anyway, Macy's waffle-stomping her shit. Waffle-stomp.

I love how human race has come up with a name for everything. So much so that we have a name for stomping shit down a drain called the waffle-stomp. That is fucking elite level name. Who thought of that? And it's also so wildly known that it's just word of the year this year in the dictionary. Waffle stomp. Anyway, Macy's it's really the wee training that we're working on. Weeing in the potty and stuff like that.

Great. So she's really good. And we were talking about last week, how when they get distracted by playing, they just, they forget and they think they've got a nappy on. And so Oscar and Macy were playing hide and seek. Yeah, that's annoying. It's a great game. To get rid of one of them at a time.

And everyone and I were doing stuff around the house and they're playing. And I was like, I'm happy with that. And then I'd hear Macy crying. and I was like, I'm happy with that. And then I'd hear Macy crying. And I was like, why the fuck? Anyway, she was hiding in the cupboard, but she was so committed to the game, she's weighed herself in the cupboard. Bless her.

And the whole bottom of the cupboard, of the cupboard was just like a puddle of piss. Carpet, floorboards. Floorboards, thankfully. Thank God. But still, she was in under the, it was in the linen cupboard, so she's in underneath the bottom of the linen cupboard. So I've got to get down on my, on all fours.

Wiping up piss. And I was in there and I thought to myself, how did it get to this? How did my life get to this? Where I'm at the bottom of a fucking linen cupboard, wiping up piss. I think if you looked back in your 20s, you probably did worse fucking linen covered, wiping up piss. I think if you looked back in your 20s, you probably did worse stuff.

No, I didn't. You didn't? I'll never forget when I worked in a nightclub and it was like the club had closed. Like I used to work in a seedy nightclub in Wollongong. The club had closed. It was like five o'clock in the morning, daylight was coming up, we were cleaning,

and we found a guy passed out in the urinal with urinal cakes on him. So I think if he can reach that point at 19, Macy's doing fine and you're okay too. I've been in the urinal. If you've ever laid next to a urinal cake, well, this is only up from there. Sorry, too far. She did well. I said to her, I said, that's commitment to the game. Good on her.

Commitment to the hide and seek game. Yeah. It also led to something that I want to ask you about. Macy is like, she's an empath. When Oscar hurts himself, the first person on scene to make sure he's okay is his little sister. That's really sweet. Really sweet.

Doesn't work both ways. Oscar doesn't care. No, so she's weird herself. She was a bit embarrassed, I think. She was a bit hysterical about it. The name calling, like how do you stop your kids from name calling? Because at that, at five years old, four or five, whatever, there's a lot of poo poo, a lot of bum bum chat, like that sort of stuff that it turns into like you're a bum bum.

But what happened was is Oscar and Macy, they will go, you know, butt butt head and stuff like that, which is harmless. April was like to Oscar, can you go and console your sister? And he was just not having any of it. And he turned around and called her a dirty little rat. Time out. That's a time out. Oh, yeah. I wasn't sitting there going. Yeah. You tell her.

Where did he even hear that? Exactly. And it's like, where have I gone wrong here? Where I'm like... I don't have the skill set to counsel you on that. Sorry. Yeah. Little people do. I was cleaning up the piss at this stage. So I'm in the cupboard and I kind of heard it, but I didn't really clock what was going on. Yeah. And then I hear April going, what did you call me? And I was like, fuck, chance for a fight.

I'm out of here. Wait, so he called April that, not Macy. No, April. Wow. He called mommy that. That's wild. And I was like, what the fuck? And I-

Didn't say that though. Yeah. I staunched down the hallway and he heard me coming and he was like shaking in his boots because that's not on. I got to his level and I said, you don't call people names, especially your mum. Go to your room. I'll be there in a sec. And like he, usually it's getting him to go to his room is really hard.

He was like, fuck. I'm in so much trouble. I'm in so much trouble. I'm in so much trouble. And then obviously big time out. Like we were set to go to the park, all this sort of stuff. And I was like, you're not going anywhere. But I do think with that, like Oscar's only five. I actually don't think, and the name calling thing,

obviously it escalates. Kids know it's naughty. They do it to get a rise. I don't think he has any comprehension about how mean that is. Do you know what I mean? They dirty little rat to us. We're like, that is vile for a kid to say. But then you're like, hold on.

Oscar doesn't, he doesn't know. It's like the first time Marley said shit and she had no idea what she was actually saying, but she's using context perfectly. But I was like, hey, you can't use that word. And then she was horrified that she realized she was using a word that was a naughty word. It started with fucking stuff. And like, Oscar, April was very good at saying fuck's sake all the time. And then Oscar...

Fuck's sake? And I told that story where we were in Fiji and Oscar picked up a pool noodle and screamed into it, fuck's sake! In front of everyone. But he knew that he had called mama name that she didn't like because of the reaction. So I didn't yell. I just was like, hey, you don't call people names. Go to your room. I'll be in in a second.

How do I do this? So I just went in and I was like, hey, like reiterated that you don't call people names. I think he was trying to say something along the lines of like, oh, you're a silly girl. You know what I mean? Like something harmless, but it's come out. And I think he was even shocked. But my question is like, how do you get, because there's been times where I pulled him and his sister up calling each other's names that have escalated past, you know, you bum bum.

I also think we have a kind of, it's not a rule, I guess, but it's the same thing that they implement at daycare. So no toilet words. They're not like, they do still say it. And sometimes they say it jokingly, and then sometimes it escalates. But the thing is, kids don't have the comprehension around what's escalating. And they don't have the self-control to and then sometimes it escalates. But the thing is, is kids don't have the comprehension around what's escalating.

And they don't have the self-control to realize that they're escalating. But if toilet words are just off the table, even if it's done in a funny way, and don't get me wrong, they don't abide by it all the time. It's a constant battle. But as soon as we're hearing the bum bum, you're a poo, you're a wee chat, which is just like they love it. It's so funny to them. It's like crack. It's like it's off the table.

Like, no, we don't use toilet words in this house. Stop saying that. Macy is the worst for it. It's tricky because Matt walks around the house farting all the time, making jokes about farting. So I'm like, that's also a toilet word, Matthew Johnson. I know. But it's tricky.

It's tricky because you kind of lean into the funny parts, but kids don't quite get where that line is. And I guess like it's our job to try and teach them, but also we are not perfect. That's where I was at. I was kind of like in my head, I was like, how do I approach this with him to explain where the line is?

And then I was like, I'm just gonna have to go with a blanket rule with don't call people names and like stick with that. Even if your friends are doing it or whatever. It's just like, fuck. No, I think if I, I mean, and like I said, I don't have the answers to this stuff either. We're all just feeling our way through this parenting thing, but I would say that you handled that perfectly.

You didn't yell, you didn't get angry. There was like a stop down of like, hey, that's not appropriate. Go to your room and I will come. That's obviously like frightening for a kid because you're like, what's going to happen, but then the repercussions of that is simply like, you don't get to have that thing that you really wanted to have now, we're not going to go to the park and I think like having some sort of consequence that's parallel to the action, kids get that. They're smarter than we give them credit for.

They understand. It's not to say that they're never going to do it again. He will, because he knows it gets a big reaction from you. Right? He's going to do something else. But I think that it's more so like the consistency of it, because if you're okay with one name and one thing over here, that's like a confusing message. Whereas like now that you've said, okay, we don't call names.

And then you have to implement that consistently. But you've got to do it, right? And like. Cause I know like, look, I thought the toilet humor was harmless because it's funny. And also when they're a little bit stroppy, I can be like, I don't know who's a bum, bum head. Like, and you'll get like a little giggle out of them.

And I love that shit. But then now I'm like, fuck don't know, who's a bum bum head like, and you'll get like a little giggle out of them. And I love that shit. But then now I'm like, fuck, that's actually bad. Yeah. Because it can escalate into what that was. I think you've hit the nail on the head. And also I think so many parents do it. Like we used to lean into that humor as well with the kids. Heaps, you know.

Yeah. Because you always get a giggle. But you know, like we know where the line is and they don't because they're five or four, you know. And so it's really tricky. Or like the making joke. Oh God, the thing that we struggle with is like they don't because they're five or four, you know? And so it's really tricky. All like, they're making jokes. Oh my god, the thing that we struggle with is like, they'll make jokes about it. But then we're in the bath, you've got Lola trying to like smack Marley on the bum.

And I'm like, come on guys, private, like it's just like, where's the line? And you're all weird little kids. Just stop, stop being gross. Everyone stop. I walked in in the bathroom the day and Macy was laying on top of us. And you're like, no! Oscar's like face down and she's laying on his back. And I was like, ah! This isn't a gated community!

Not with your sister! Anyway, I was like, fuck. He's been watching that Mormon family show. Oh, no, yeah. He's like, the Mormons do it. I don't think they do. No offence to the Mormons. Also, you probably have Mormon listeners who are going to fucking hate that. Take it out, Jess.

Nah, leave it in. It'd be okay. They're not Tasmanian though. Sorry Tasmania. I have take that back. That's like at least 1% of your listener shoot right there. Maybe more. 15.

2%. 2%. But they're both brothers, sisters and lovers. Laura this question from a listener, an avid listener by the name of Shay-Anne. Hi Shay-Anne. I think I pronounced that correctly. If not, I am sorry, Shay-Anne. She says, how do I speak to my son about his grandma who is currently going through breast cancer

and has not long started chemo? She has shaved her head and it freaked him out. And now every time I ask if he wants to go and see her, he says that he's scared. Oh, that's so hard. I mean, hard in all aspects. I'm so sorry that you're going through that as part of your family. But also hard because. This is like a big and scary time for him as well, because he doesn't comprehend it, right? It doesn't know what's going on. We recently went through something pretty similar. My stepdad, he he unfortunately, he had a prostate cancer and he passed away last year.

We spent a lot of time with Neil, with the girls leading up to him going into palliative care. So the girls went into hospital and saw him and spent heaps of time with him. And there came a point in his palliative care time where he stopped looking like himself. He'd lost so much weight because of the cancer, because of the treatment. Also, he'd had chemo years prior, so he lost his hair during that.

We just kept this ongoing conversation around that Pharr is sick and that Pharr is not well at the moment. And that, you know, that sometimes when you're sick, you don't look the same as what you look like when you're healthy. And for us, I think, because we kept the, because we saw him so frequently, it wasn't shocking to the girls what was going on. And it wasn't shocking to them. I think

that they really, really responded well to that. We talked about him all the time in front of them. We explained a lot of what was going on. Death is a whole other thing to try and comprehend and have conversations about. And I'm in no way am I implying that that your mum is is you know in a state where she's like that sick. She you know she might be going through one round of treatment and she'll be amazing afterwards. But I think it's okay to have the conversations around when people are not well sometimes they look a little bit different but they're still the same person on the inside. But I think you have to continue having as much exposure with your mum and him as possible. And even if that means that for a couple of times, he's a little bit timid and isn't exactly

the same around Nana. I think like don't worry about and talk to your mum about it obviously, so she knows. So that way she's also aware that maybe he might not be exactly the same for the first couple of visits. And then kids, they get it. They'll know he might not be exactly the same for the first couple of visits. And then kids, they get it. They'll know that Nana will speak in the same way. She'll do something in the same way. And he'll be like, oh, that's my Nana. She just doesn't have any hair at the moment.

They'll have that thing that bonds them in their little relationship that everyone, every grandparent has with their grandkids that he'll get triggered and be like, you're still the same person. Also, I kind of liken it. I mean, a comparative situation that's not as sad is like when a dad shaves off their beard for the first time.

I'll never forget when Matt, he had a mustache for a really long time and then he shaved it off. Marley was freaked the fuck out. Like she genuinely was. She was like, whoa, I don't know who that guy is, but I don't want him to be here. But they adjust with exposure in very quick time. And I did the same thing when I shaved my head. It's every now and then I just shaved my head completely.

And like, they all came home from kindy like, who's this guy in our house? And it's like, I got used to it really, really quick. Like, it sort of likens to a situation that I had. And look, this is not as obviously as... Comparative? It's not as comparative. Chemo and cancer. And look, I obviously wish you and your family all the best. But I know my grandmother's got false teeth. Here's one for you.

So the kids... Yeah. She popped it out. It's horrifying. She popped it out as a joke. And then for months trying to get them back to her house. Oh, bless. I was like, because she'd been doing it since I was a kid, so I'm so used to it.

She does it as a joke. She goes, I don't like it. She's a jokester. That's what she does. And they didn't quite respond. They're like, ah! They're lolly teeth. Every lie under the sun.

But like it took them a while to regain, not trust, but regain the love for her in a way because they were freaked out by that. They were scared. They were scared. They don't quite understand that, okay, when Ann lost her teeth a long time ago, she ate too many lollies. The continuation of the conversation probably helps to wrap their head around it much better than just being like, they're sick. And they're like, I don't get it. So is everyone who's sick look like that?

And also, I think kids comprehend way more than you give them credit for. So when Neil was going through chemo, we explained like Neil has to go to the hospital. He's really, we didn't talk about cancer. I think that was a little bit big, Mel is only five, but we talked about the fact that he was really, really sick. And then we introduced the concept of him going up to the stars and how one day he's not going to be here anymore. And we did that in such a way that I think, because it was this continuous frequent conversation, nothing was a surprise and it was done in little bits. In this instance, which you know, she's lost her hair and it's chemo treatment, I think it's okay to have the conversations,

but also FaceTime your mom. Make sure that he's seeing her as much as possible. Yeah, get used to it. It might not be feasible to travel to see her all the time. Maybe you guys don't live locally, but make sure you're FaceTiming. And I don't mean like, okay, we're gonna now FaceTime Nana and you're gonna sit here and you're gonna talk to her.

I mean, you're on the phone to Nana, you're having your normal great conversation. You're chatting about everything. And then you're also like, hey, little Jimmy, Nana's on the phone. And then, and you know, maybe it's like a little bit at first. And then the more that you do that over a very short period of time,

I have no doubt that he will be like, oh, it's just Nana. She just, you know, she's just sick and she looks a bit different now. But I think that kids respond to how we feel about something. So if you're, if this has been a really big thing for you as well, it's gonna feel even bigger to him. You know, it's, they pick up on that stuff.

Well said. Massively, I think. Yeah, I think that's good. I mean, I haven't had to face it yet. So I think like, if I do, oh, actually, yeah, well, dad had a triple bypass last year. I'm trying to explain that my son wanted to see Dad in hospital and I was honest with him and I was like,

look, he is really sick at the moment. I didn't want Oscar to see him like that because in Oscar's eyes, my dad's his hero. We FaceTimed when he was feeling better and stuff like that but just kept the conversation going that he was sick and he's getting better. He needs some time. Yeah.

It's so hard. I don't think, I mean, I think that there needs to be more resources for parents to navigate these types of conversations with little humans because it's so hard and you don't want to scare them. You don't want to give them more than what they can comprehend. But I think that kids, kids are way more, they can process more than what I think we

give them credit for. And I think we don't have to shield them from everything, obviously from the big stuff. But I do think that the more that you talk about some things around them that's age appropriate, it helps them process and not feel so isolated from the big things that the adults are experiencing in the house. Yeah. And also for like Cheyenne's mom, like the last thing she would want is to see her grandson and the grandson be scared of her. Can you imagine how heartbreaking that would be? So I think for both sides of it, if you can keep it as normal and the

conversations as open as possible of what's happening and... Another thing to try as well is go online and show him photos of women who don't have hair. Because that's like, it's, when you think about it, a five-year-old probably hasn't seen very many women who have a shaved head at all. Show the video of Jada Smith. Yeah, I think the more that kids see that something is actually normal, it's just not their normal because they've never been exposed to it. Yeah, they've never seen it before.

It's like as adults, as we see something like that we've never seen before, we're like, what the fuck is that? Yeah, totally. Can you imagine like in their world, how, you know, like they really, like the biggest things to them are their families, their mom, their dad, their sister or brother, if they have one, the kids that they interact with at Kindy, that's really their whole world. Throw a bald lady in there. I can't imagine, I cannot imagine them going,

oh, okay, they were like, what? What's happened now? I've never seen a woman with no hair. Well, okay, before we say like, Lee, we do want to say we're thinking of you and thinking of your family and hope that your mom makes a very speedy recovery. Yes, I'm hoping that recovery and of course that your son and her can have a long, fruitful

relationship. That will be fine. He will be fine. Well guys, I think that's it from us. That is. If you've enjoyed this episode, please give us a review. Five stars, little comment. If you hated it, I don't want to hear about it because I'm not here for long so please don't tell me. Any reviews we get over the next couple of weeks will be directed at Laura. Yeah if you liked it let me know. You're doing a great job Laura. Thanks guys. You're doing a great job. I'm doing my best. Matt's gonna come back and be like where's my podcast? One toting town and one toting mum. I am pushing for a brand change and a rename. And then Matt's on Life Uncut.

Matt and Brent. Might work. Could be a good little change up. Yes, like I said, if you enjoyed this episode, please do review. Five stars if possible, if not, whatever. And join us on socials. Instagram, two doting dads. The Facebook, as I'm calling it now.

Is also two doting dads. Two doting dads. Join the group. Got anything else you want to plug? Oh, as I'm calling it now. Is also Two Doting Dads. Two Doting Dads. Join the group. Got anything else you want to plug? Oh, TikTok! Um... Two Doting Dads. We might have some T-shirts coming. OK, yeah, I mean...

We don't know how many more weeks we have, Laura. We might have one more week if she lets us. Next week it's April. She's going to be on the show next week. I don't think she is. She is. She isn't. You promised me... I know this was happening.

Matt promised me that I was doing two weeks and April was doing one. Don't you want to do another week with me? I do. I do. But after April does one, it's her turn now. I'll ask her. I'll come back. There's not enough volume in the house.

I've just stuck up. Anyway guys, thanks for having me back on another episode. See ya. Bye. Bye. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. I have been talking since 7 a.m. this morning. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal

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