Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #126 Big First Birthday's, Troublemaking Kids And Hangover Bribes

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

Daddy Matty is recharging his batteries after spending 5 weeks in the South African jungle. Thank you for all of the support you've given Matty!  Comedian and former podcast guest Nick Cody is stepping in to fill in the ripped dog's co-hosting seat. He shares the wild story of how he celebrated his eldest son's first birthday, how that same kid embarrassed him the other day, and the hangover parenting moments.  As Oscar completes his first week of kindy, Ash is getting a taste of what it feels like to parent a school child (woah!). He's also trying a new bribery tactic with the kids when he's experiencing a hangover morning. Plus, we tackle our question! What is the craziest tantrum you've experienced? Slide into our DM's @twodotingdads with any parenting question you need answered by a couple of doting dads.  2025 Raunchy Ranch Calendar IS STILL ON SALE!  https://budgysmuggler.com.au/products/two-doting-dads-raunchy-ranch  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm concerned with by the end of the weekend how much jizz is going to be in this hotel. Yeah, coming to go, is this an ancient cave? What's on the... They took the near opposite. The stalactites. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. My name is Ash. I'm not Matty J. I might sound like him. I'm definitely more handsome. But we also have Nick Cody.

Nick Cody is also a dad, believe it or not, for Two Doting Dads. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad, and the relatable. And we are joined on a weekly episode with a guest, which is very, the first time, but the second time that we've had Nick on the podcast, this is the first time we've had a guest twice, other than like wives.

Oh, I'm the first second timer outside of family. Can't wait to have sex later. Not bad. Oh, I knew there was a catch. I knew there was a hot catch. I am Matt. And I would have gotten away with it. Just deal with it.

To work for you pesky kids. He, well let's just say that he's commuting back. So. Yeah, wow. Twice on the podcast is an honor, I would say. And for us. Most certainly. Not for you, for us. Thank you. Nick, one thing I wanna talk to you about,

it is the first week of school for us. You've got kids in prep. No, I've got a grade one now. Grade one? Yeah, grade one and a little three year old kinder. Yeah, me too. Oscar, yesterday was his first day at big school, as we're calling, which is kinder prepped for Melbourne, South Australia the same and he did really well Oh, it was good. Loved it. See he went with like he's got three mates the brat pack and they're all together

They're all good. They're in the same class To it's two and two. So there's like four of them. He was great Going in he was like, see, April cried her eyes out, as per usual. As you would expect. Of course. They're on like reduced hours for the first week. So we all went yesterday to collect him from his first day of school. And it's so weird, like you would know what it's like when you see them off and you're like, fuck, this is so strange.

And he's going to the same primary school that I went to. Oh, really? So it's like when you see them off. Yeah. And you're like, fuck, this is so strange. And he's going to the same primary school that I went to. Oh, really? So it's like, surreal. Oh, wow. Yeah. I've got teachers coming up to me, he was like, you're back. And I'm like, oh. But yesterday, Avery went and picked him up,

and he was so excited that he grabbed his bag without zipping it up, ran down the stairs, and everything fell out of his bag. Like a cartoonish. Ruin the whole day, apparently. Oh, really? Oh, meltdown. He was gutted. He was gutted. He's now of his bag. Like a cartoonish... He ruined the whole day apparently. Oh really? Oh, meltdown. He was gutted. He was gutted.

He's now called empty bag or fucking Tripsy or something. He's already been bullied. But then you will find out very soon. I remember last year when my kid was in prep for Victorians, Kindy, New South Wales, Queensland. Oh, we just got to spend the whole episode. I don't know, yeah. Figure it out.

The first year of the fucking big school. Yeah. Will they have a uniform? Yeah, but like a grade four kid got up, and I've got to go to an assembly, and a grade four kid got up to play saxophone, and everyone clapped like even the grade sixes. I was like, no, I was going to call this kid a fucking nerd. What is happening? I'm like, what the fuck is happening? I'm like, they were so supportive.

I'm like, this is beautiful and sweet. But all I could think is every time, my best mate growing up, we're still best mates, from prep, Tommy, he played saxophone. He was in the local paper in Werribee, the western suburbs of Melbourne. He was in the Werribee banner with a saxophone, like playing the saxophone.

And he played it at school once, and we're like, oh, he's Lisa Simpson. Bang out another hit. Like, it's just, it's like roasting immediately. Bleeding gums Murphy. It's the equivalent now, I reckon they could be like, hey, we've got a performance at school this week. It's actually a live debate.

And really like, yeah! Back in the day, it would have been like, oh, no one's going to that. Yeah. I remember in high school, someone coming along to tell a psych a story of how they stuffed everything up. They were making all this money, had a great job, wife, cars, and then they started gambling, drinking, drugs. It was meant to be this like, scared stuff. This is an intervention. Why's my wife here? Come in everyone. drugs. This is an intervention. But then he starts to tell us about how he's turned his

life around and he's back working again and the kids in my class were like, tell us the fucking six stories, dude. Go back to the fucking six stories. Why have you got your saxophone out? But man, he's fine. No one's going to bully him for dropping his stuff on the first day. No, I don't think anyone even remembers. He went to school fine today. Everything was fine. But it's like it's crazy.

How do you feel about it? Look, I'm pretty good. Like I didn't put a lot of pressure on him because he would already be anxious and excited. So I was like... Did you get him with a little sign holding up a sign of his name, age? No, we got like a sign like, uh, you know, first day of kindy or whatever. Yeah. And that was pretty cool. And I think like my wife went into full mumzilla yesterday where she was like, they let him walk down the stairs with his bag unzipped.

She wanted heads. She was like, I want fucking heads and I want them now. I was like, relax. I was like, the more you project that, the more he picks up on it. And they do. They're like, why is mum upset? We had Luke, who's like a teacher to the stars, influencer, who is a prep kindy teacher and we had him on to go through the prepping for school and he was like, just

don't cry at drop off. Because they think, think about this, you're a five year old kid. You're a staunch dude. Yeah. Your mom's crying saying goodbye. Am I, they think, am I I never gonna see this person ever again? And imagine like an army general, like, we're all gonna fucking die with their voice.

It's like, we don't need this shit right now. Straight face. Stiff up a lip. They need, do you know what they need in the army? Tea and tissues. Yeah. They'll get together afterwards where no one can see them and cry.

But yeah, it was a big day. He crashed out later on. He was gone. That's why I was so excited. Cause this holidays was our first big, because he was going to daycare or kinder and there'd be different activities over the break usually. Oh, around other things to do.

But this was just seven weeks of just hanging out at home or six weeks. And it was good to get him back. Even though he's got a bit of tude, he wants a snack straight away. He just walks out like, do we have snacks? Can I play at school?

His school keeps the playground open until sundown. Oh, what, like, do you live close to the school? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How far? We're like a five minute walk. Oh, how good. So what, basketball courts, everything, the whole bit? They leave the whole thing open.

He used to do that. They don't do it anymore. Oh, really? No, so like, he's going, Oscar's going to the same school I went to do that. They don't do it anymore. Oh really? No, so like he's going, Oscar's going to the same school I went to. Yeah. And when I was a kid, I had a mate whose house backed onto the school.

And we used to spend every other there, every weekend there. We'd go and we'd skate the stairs, we'd play the basketball. You're why they've shut it down. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't tell he's gone.

We'd get our dicks out in the bathroom. Dad, dad fucked it. Sorry, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can't tell. You get out in the bathroom. Dad. Dad. Dad. Fucked it. Sorry. Oh, now there's big fences. I attracted too many predators. But it's yeah. Like now you can't even go. I feel like kids are missing out on like, let's go to the school. I had the reverse because my primary school was grim. You could look at it, it was called Glen Devon Primary School. It was the second worst primary school in the state of Victoria, according to the Herald Sun, one year. The fees were like 40 bucks a year and they weren't mandatory.

Oh, that's like us here. But the principal lost 40 grand of the school's money. So you can imagine how little money... Hey, whoa, she, ladies can little money... What did he do? Put it on black. Hey, whoa! She. Ladies can be principals. What did they do? Can you believe this?

Can you believe this? How dare I misgender the principal? Well, ladies can be principals. And she lost it on the pokies. Yeah! Not even on black. I was expecting you to be like, yep, she lost it on strippers. It's just like... Sorry kids. sorry kids, no camp this year.

The fucking queen of the Nile. Yeah, yeah. The queen of the Nile got me. Yeah, where's the gold? The black rhino. I was looking for the gold, guys. Fucking hell. Anyway, it's day two.

I haven't, because I'm here with you, I haven't found out. But that time over school, it's a long time I haven't, because I'm here with you, I haven't found out. But that time over school, it's a long time for parents over that school holiday. It's like eight weeks or whatever. And it's the first time that I've had to do it too, where Oscar finished early. Macy also did some casual days through summer and stuff like that.

But I want to- Did your little one hate, did she have to go when your eldest didn't have to go anywhere? Because my youngest... We tricked him. Yeah, well some days we're like, you've got to go to kinder and he broke down. He loves kinder. He loves three year old kinder, but he was upset that his older brother wasn't doing

anything. And we just said, he's got school stuff on man. Yeah, we always... Just lie. We always harp on as like, he's just doing boring stuff. And that's, that music, he's just going of do boring stuff like study and chess and timezone and bowling and go to the park with his friends. It's boring.

And maybe try and teach them. So, and like I wanted to ask you because we do this big stint at the end of the year and you sort of find yourself in the last week or two, trying to find things to do that they haven't done, which is hard because they get bored so easily. Yeah. And I found on the last day where I had Oscar and I had Macy before school started, I was like, it's like 40 degrees.

Let's just go to the shops. Go down the shops. As you do. And I was like, fuck. What do you got near you? Like a big Westfields or something? No, it's like a, it's like a, it's like a junior Westfields.

Where it's like half the size. Like a plaza. There's no levels. Yeah, we had Werribee Plaza. Yeah, Westfields was like, I've got levels in this place. It's like, I've got one. Yeah.

Yeah. I've got one. It's all ground, it's all grounded. But I was like, fuck, what am I going to do with these kids here? And thankfully I got here, got, what am I going to do with these kids here? And thankfully, I got there and we were going, we're halfway down the escalator and the power went out. Sick.

Have you ever been in a- Zombie movie. And this is my question to you. Have you ever been in a shopping center and the power's gone out? No. It's a mix, it's a bunch of mixed emotions. Because people are all of a sudden- First off for me, theft.

Ransack. Yeah. What can we get? Yeah, and that- That's not on us. Because people all of a sudden... First off for me, theft. Ransack. Yeah. What can we get? Yeah. And that... That's not on us. I was walking down, it was dark.

Yeah. And I'm like, perfect. It's like Squid Game. Yeah. But it's no light on light. It's like, sore. How much shit can I put in my pockets? Yeah.

And when the lights come back on, I've got to be still. And all the makeshift barricades that all the retail employees have set up in the front of the door like, oh, no one's going retail employees have set up in the front of the door. I don't know if anyone's going to get past that. That's a stack of chairs. But we were like, I remember I was walking down and the lights went out and my head went, yes. I'm like, the kids are going to love this.

Any natural light coming in? There is like a little bit of natural light, but the kids were like so caught up in it. Do you know what it gives? It gives similar energy to when a dog comes through school. Yeah. And you're like, whoa! I remember in grade two, we had dog's root on the playground. And we were just all out the window.

This is the best. There's dog's root. Everyone else was just like, how good is it when a dog comes in? And you're like, we just got to see two dogs fuck. We saw two dogs and they fucked. I don't want to try and one up this story. Yeah, yeah. But no, a dog in the school playground.

That's great. And that's what, like, councils don't understand. They put on, what is it, like, white night with all the lights and the... Do you call it white night? Is that what it's called? I don't know. Some festival of...

Festival of the lights. But really all you need to do is just turn the lights off at the shops. Release the hounds! Either that or release the hounds. But the kids were so caught up in the whole moment. And I was like, it's a good time to go around to those places that need their food to be refrigerated. Because they were still on a really cheap... I was like, stock up! to those places that need their food to be refrigerated. Oh, you're straight to the food court.

I was like, stock up! But also, you're sounding like Old Mate on Instagram, the bosh. Yeah, I was like, you're getting four boobs. Boom, boom. Four braw cracker. Chili braw. I know, people were ransacking the sushi place pretty quickly. They were like, giving away rolls for a dollar each.

And the kids were like, just didn't quite understand and they're playing in like the playground in the dark. It was honestly the like I had spent thousands of dollars over the eight weeks or whatever going to bowling going to all these indoor play centers because it's been stinking hot and all I really had to do was cut the power of the local shops. And they all kicked off. Find the big switch, have a bloody good time. It was great.

It's also good for the employees there. Yeah, they get some. I used to work, I worked at Werribee Plaza at Harris Scarf and it was shithouse. Harris Scarf? Harris Scarf. What is it? Is it just a scarf shop?

That's when your resume is not good enough to get into Maya. So you find yourself at Harris. And it's like they sell Harris scarf in Maya, but they're like, you're not good enough to work in the bit in Maya. I remember the first day they're like, you're working in Manchester. And I said, what's that? I shouldn't have been there. It's like, I didn't bring my passport.

Brutal. All right, Nick, it's enough about me. You're the guest on this podcast and I've taken over how many minutes? Brutal. All right, Nick. It's enough about me. You're the guest on this podcast and I've taken over how many minutes? Enough minutes. Enough minutes. Tell me, where are you at? Where are you at? You're, you've gone-

I'm away from my family in a sick hotel room drinking beers, having fun. The stench of semen. That's great. Whoa. Not yet. I mean, look, we just went over the eight week period. How are you readjusting to 20, what are we, 2025? 2025, well pretty good.

My wife is a stay at home mum at the minute. She gets sad when the kids have to go back. But because I work early mornings and at night time, I'm like, please, please go see your friends. Like I'm one of the, I'm like, I love you so much, but all day, every day is unnecessary. Yeah. And then you hear it goes fast and things, but sometimes it doesn't. And on those days, they should probably go to school.

Yeah. They say like, it does go so fast. Yeah. But also it goes so fucking slow. Yeah. Especially afternoons. Comedian Harley Breen said before my first was born, I said, but also go so fucking slow. Yeah. Especially afternoons. Comedian Harley Breen said before my first was born, I said, made any tips?

And he said, I can tell you exactly how it is. And I said, all right. And he said, long days, short years. Oh, very true. I was like, that is easy. Can we put that on a T-shirt, please? I'll put that on a T-shirt. Yeah, long days, short years is fine.

Some days feel... Anyone that says the year's flying by, look after children with a hangover. Your year will fucking slow right down. You'll hear the clock, the seconds. I lived like 12 years last year. You know those days where it honestly feels like a week in some weird interstellar planet, your wife gets back and it's like, where have you been?

It's felt like 25 years she's been gone for two hours. Why did you leave me like this? You're like a shriveled up sultana. There was a hangover I had at the start of the year. I could hear blinking. I could hear it. I could hear blinking. I could hear it. You know, like I could hear my eyelashes. I'm like, I am dry.

Get this up to Ken. Yeah. And the kid, I'm like, boy, should we have a super duper? Right now, it's 7.30 in the morning. They're like, dad rules. I've started offering them money. I give them some fucking hush money. They've learned about hush money.

And I was like this morning, both kids were in bed with me. April went to the gym this morning because she's a fitness freak. And I was like, Hey kids, uh, whoever's the quietest, the longest. It's $5. Right. Haven't heard from him all day. So it's the hanger. I think you can beat it with money. Yeah, I don't know if I said on here last time, the one that I call it Topsy Turvy day.

So my wife is the best in the way that because I've, you know, early mornings during the week and then they stand up a night, different things. She's like, hey, if you go and do gigs on a Friday or Saturday and you want to stay out, she's like, I don't care. But if you said you're going gonna watch the kids Saturday morning, you just gotta get up. You just gotta get up. She's like, I don't care if you get home at 5 a.m. If they wake up at 5 45, you're up. You're up, yeah.

And that's a fair deal. I think so, and I agree with you. I had a friend of mine tell me once that some of the best advice I ever had from a dead shit dad was, because he had three girls at the time, I had no kids and I was like trying to understand how he does it. And he's like, oh, he goes, I just, just get up.

He's like, you'll keep mom happy. And then when you get to a point during the day and you've looked after him all day and you're like, oh, I'm gonna have a little lay down. She's like, you, you weren't that. Yeah. But otherwise if you don't get up and I've got, you're a piece of shit. I've got mates who don't get up like. That blows my mind. Infuriates me. Yeah. It infuriates me. Just get up. But also we were recently on a trip to Bali with some guys who were

like that. Cause I want my kids to grow up and then get a hangover one day and be like, dad, did you ever feel like this? I'm like heaps. And I got up. Let me just get my saxophone out. Matty's not here. So I thought I'm with the looser of the two. I love you, Matty.

But when it comes to if you're going to be a bit of a disaster, I think you'd be more forgiving to this. A walking disaster. I thought you would appreciate just a couple things about my eldest son's first birthday. I do. I want to hear about it because we all put so much pressure on the first birthday and there's a lot of parents listening to this. Their kids are coming up to their first birthday this year.

They all, you know, we, with our community, a lot of them are fairly new parents, aren't they? Yeah, they're great. You're freaks. You're on a list. Yeah. If you, although some may want to be. I had a couple of mates that had a parenting pub before I had kids and I listened to it to think, oh, that's what it's like.

Would you listen to this one? No. Well, no, it wasn't around before I had kids. Would you? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Would you now? You want to take advice?

You want to hear what's coming up? It's like a preview for a fight card. I know, I know. We get a lot of like, we get a lot of women being like, it's so nice, it's so refreshing. And like, what's refreshing? They're like, I feel like we're not judged. I'm like, because we're shit too. And they're like, yeah.

Yeah. I got here. Yeah, yeah. But yes. And you're clearly, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But you're clearly trying as dads. I'm trying my absolute heart out here. I've been on stage in a minute about 20 years ago to be a good dad. You just had to smoke outside and everyone's like, who's this fucking hero? This guy rules. You know, but now it's like, we're daddin'.

Well, a really funny story is how we got our name doting dads. Is Matt took his kids to the park and the Daily Mail snapped him taking the kids to the park. Oh, is that what it is? And the headline was doting dad Matthew Johnson just for taking... That's how low the bar is. So I think like... You went to the park. But that's a big step.

Right, it's something. That's a big step. That is a big step. Because 20 years ago there was a movie, I think like. You went to the park. But that's a big step. We're on a selling. That's a big step. That is a big step. Because 20 years ago, there was a movie, I Am Sam. I don't know if you remember, Sean Penn. I do remember Sam. And he's got a mental disability. But he's in the courts are trying to take his kid away.

And he says to his daughter, do the kids at school make fun of me? And she said, yeah, dad, because you're the only dad that plays at the park. 20 years ago. So we can at the park. 20 years ago. So we can all learn 20 years ago. If I did what I did yesterday, I'd be at family court begging to have them not take my kids.

Yeah. Please judge. I was at a Crocs play center. It's awesome. And I grabbed a coffee. I was going down the big red slide of me socks and they're like, you're mentally Yeah. Take his kids off him.

Just no dads at the bar. Sean Penn's just a good bloke. Yeah, he's changed it for all of us. So Matty's our Sean Penn. Anyway, first birthdays. They're a big deal. Just film me. Now, I know they're a big deal because I believe I was conceived at a first birthday. Not at, after.

What? The timing. I was conceived at a first birthday not after The timing and it was a man's word Your mom and dad were gone for it in the bathroom now is my dad's best mates kids first birthday, but it was a big pisser Dogs best friends my parents cats my parents didn't fuck at a kid's birthday if that's what you need, just to clear everything up Not that there's anything wrong with that Yeah, well it's 2021 If people are rude to their kids

Don't shame me for fucking at a kid's birthday You're at a bounce, all the trampolines are bouncing It's bounce That's what I'm out there doing. I'm bouncing. If I'm not bouncing, she's bouncing. But my, I always got told the first birthdays are the wildest ones, cause it's like, you got through.

You got to a year. Oh, totally, yeah, yeah. And I think to parents out there that have already had the first birthday, and it was a big one, I think the least important birthday is the second birthday. It's useless. Such a useless birthday. No, it gives a shit. The kid doesn't know what a birthday is.

No. No one gives a fuck that they're two. Well, that was a long joke of ours here that I never threw my kids a birthday. It was one of the first clips I saw of the pod. Yeah. Was you would turn up to Parks or whatever and and whatever. And just put my kid in. I love it. It was good.

It got a hold real quick though. My kids are, my kids have ride scabs. So, you know, like if you're at the shops and there's like a pepper pig. Oh yeah, jump. Oh. They see one kid on and they're like, there's fucking two free ones. They're on. I paid for it.

The other day I paid for my kid and two other kids and then I looked over the parents and I was like, you're sweet and transfer me the dollar. You wanna tap? I held the FBOSS machine out. Come on. But I think you'd appreciate this. Okay.

My eldest son, Charlie, his first birthday, was at my wife's cousin's bar, a suburb called Footscray in Melbourne. It was at a bar. So piss out, was it? And at the first birthday, the bar tab ended up being 2800 bucks. At her first birthday.

Every kid get an apple juice, did they? People are doing shots, it was fucking loose. It's not for them, it's for you. Like you said, it's a celebration of getting through the year. And I think that's a really good way to put it. And that is the perfect outcome. Yeah, it was a wild day. But you know you have those times as a parent where you're like,

one of these every so often is fine. But if you were living like this every day, it's like the blokes that don't get up. You're doing that every day. You're terrible. It was about seven o'clock at night. I'm also jealous of those guys. I know. How do they do it? There's no way I'm pulling that off. They must be good in bed.

That's all I think. How could you? You're rooting me. You get infinite sleep- excellent. That's all I think. How good are you at rooting that you get infinite sleep in? He's like, circumcised. It was seven o'clock at night, so my son's first birthday starts at one or whatever. Seven, eight o'clock at night, my wife finds me out in the beer garden of this bar with two of my mates and I've got a ciggy. I don't smoke.

I've got a drunk dart. Whatever. I don't think I've ever seen you. Like I've had a night out with you. I don't think you even started smoking then. Had a drunk dart and I said, oh, g'day gorgeous. Where's Charlie? And she said, he went home three hours ago. Oh fuck.

Oh god. Piece of shit. It's the best though. It is good. I think that's good gear. You gotta let loose. It's not about them. No.

It's about you. Her parents stepped up and went, hey, you guys party. We're gonna take him out. And he was a shit sleeper. I love you, Charlie, have you ever watched this? He did not sleep. So end of 20, he was born September 2018. And then in November 2018,

I got offered a breakfast radio job in Brisbane. So for years beforehand, I was just touring standup comic, nights, nights, nights, nights, nights. And then my wife said, hey, we've got a little one. You wouldn't have to tour as much. But I was going up to Brisbane sort of a week a month. The rest of the time I was down the line.

But I went from like just working nights, having the best nights ever all the time, to getting up at 3.50 in the morning and a kid that was waking up every hour on the hour. So the first birthday I was like, whatever champion. I don't care where you go, I'm sending it. We've had a shit first year. A victim, nearly.

Yeah, I assume you didn't scab a first birthday, surely not. Yeah, we didn't have any. Oh wow, and it's weird my six-year-old is very similar to my wife, no sweet tooth. One of those people. Like he loves olives and hummus. What is it Greek? My wife went to Greece last year for two weeks with her mum and sisters. Are you sure that kid's yours? Yeah, came back with a huge, well yeah you're looking at it, but you wouldn't think so. It looks exactly like her.

It looks like Guido Haatz's. Mate, I'll spink you there. I fell on the mattress, mate. I tell you. Oh my god, man. Oh my god, I fell on the mattress. Out in the big un-smoking buts with the boys. My dad, Guido Haatz. My wife brought back huge one kilo vacuum sealed bags of olives from Greece.

And my son's like, this rules. He's just sitting there eating olives. Like loves it. So even his birthday is now, everyone else in his life wants cake, but he doesn't. He wants olives. So yeah, he wants olives. He wants, he wants. Camembert. Yeah. He wants my. So yeah, he wants olives. He wants... He wants... Camembert. Yeah. He wants my wife's, like, a wine party. He wants a fucking charcuterie board.

Yeah, yeah. He loves salami. He wants to spill the tea. Yeah. Yes! That's... Everyone else is eating cake. Yeah.

He's always got, like, a little... He'll have, like, a little carrot cake muffin or something. He's definitely not getting diabetes as a kid. Nah, my three year old Max. He's gonna get the complete opposite of diabetes. My three year old Max though. You need to eat more sugar. Three year old Max is me.

He'll be, you'll just, so where's Max? And you know, just here laughing and he'll look under the bed and he's found chocolates from Halloween and he's just shoving them in. And I'm like, dude I wanna yell at you but I wanna want to fucking eat chocolate. So you're both under the bed necessarily. Yeah. He's, he's me. Unfortunately. Yeah.

Both April and I have, I look, my kids, they take a vital gummy every morning. Will we call it a lolly? Yeah. Fuck kicks him off. Max wants to eat it cause he thinks they're lollies. Yeah. He just said vitamin. I've got Oscar trying to shelf his.

Ha ha ha ha ha. The last ones. You wanted to tell me a story about a child of yours, who's a six year old, Charlie, who stitched you up. Yeah, because you've got a five and a half year old, they get a sense of humour and it's the best for me. I'm just like mini me. Yeah.

As a comedian, I'm like, no, dude of rules. Cause he, my kids, I've, for the first one, they'd never heard me, Charlie never heard me swear. And I've given that up. Oh, I've given that up. Not only, you're the same. Sorry guys, I get paid to swear. Yeah, me too.

Some of the dad fucking clocked it. They've come to see me do gigs and they're like, dad, you said so many swear words. Dad's fucking job is to fucking swear, alright? Don't say it at school, don't. But he stitched me up. It's the most embarrassment I've felt in years. This was maybe September or October last year.

There'd been shit weather in Melbourne for ages and it was like the first nice, it's like a 23 degree day. Sunny day. Shut up. Fuck off Sydney. It's so hot. It's 23. Fuck off. Northern beaches. Shut up. That is paradise in Melbourne. A 23 degree day. That's what we sleep through, 23. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Get my North face out. It's only 23.

Hang on. I don't own a North face. Matt's the vest guy in this relationship. Hey, I'm not knocking it. I'm a vest dude. I'd much rather wear a potato sack. I look like, I get around like sea bass from Dumb and Dumber. I love a vest. I'm like a burlap sack guy. Really? You're not a vet? Like a North face vest?

No, I'm not. I don't want to walk around in a sleeping bag with arms. You don't like, no you don't do it up. Oh, not where you're from they don't. Really? No. He's not doing a full zip on a vest. Depends how much money you've got. You know how good you've...

I make millions! Also, that's how good his rig is that he could zip it up. I'm like, no, no, I choose not to zip it up. His rig's so good he doesn't zip it up with his hands. I was like, whoop. Oh, those abs. He's like, ready to zip up. We were down the main street of our suburb,

and it was just Charlie and Max and I, and my wife was at home, and we're walking along, and there's people everywhere. First night's day, so people are just out and about, just for no reason, so the streets packed. And Charlie runs off like 10 or 15 meters ahead. I'm like, buddy, what are you doing? Bud, bud, he just sort of takes off and then he turns around, there's people everywhere

and he's like, hey, you're Nick Cody. You're Nick, I've seen your stuff, hey, you're Nick Cody. And I'm like, dude, shut up. So people turn around and he's like, Nick Cody. You're Nick Cody. I've seen your stuff. Hey, you're Nick Cody. And I'm like, dude, shut up. People turn around and say, Nick Cody, you're on the radio, comedian project? I'm like, dude, shut up. You and Wally? And he's like crying laughing. He's like, I'm saying, Nick Cody.

And people are turning around just because it's a child screaming. I'm like, man, shut the fuck up. I'm like, but I'm like shaking laughing. You know what I mean? I was so proud and I finally catch up to him. And he's like, that was that any good? No, dude, take it on the road. Take that one on the road. That rules. I was like, that's so funny.

I love it when you can anyone any you could do it to anyone with their job. It rules. It's just a kid pointing and- Oh, a factor six year old. Yeah. Is that good? I like, yeah mate. New to like, hang on a second,

I'm seeing your dad embarrassing me here. I'm gonna fucking, I'm gonna really get him here. He know it's a thing I don't like. Not noticed. Oh, not like if you're with kids or whatever, I get a bit, you know, people are generally Australians are fucking grouse about it, but you get the odd weird.

And I get a bit, I'm like, Oh, cause I am just getting around in shorts, t-shirt, fucking Birkenstocks, occasionally a vest all year round. It's a sleepy bag. And I just feel weird when people like, you know, when people are like, oh hey dude, blah blah blah blah. Oh are these your boys? And I don't put my kids online. So I get a bit, I don't put them online. It's not for any, I just want them to be in the SAS. So I'm trying to keep their identity suppressed. Yeah. So they can be super soldiers. For a six-year-old to have the

comedic intelligence to do that to their dad who's a comedian is absolutely brilliant. So I can imagine Oscar like running up ahead and going there's that guy who has a silly fucking towel on his head. There he is! Do a lot of people know who you are in the area? Radio in Melbourne there's like billboards and shit around. Yeah, here's a question for you. How many billboards do you know that you're on? There was one point last year there was a lot of billboards. And it was not because my wife's friends and my friends are very different. My wife's friends are like, hey Looch, congrats, I just saw Nick on a billboard.

And my mates are like, hey bro, your head's so fucking big, you're the first bloke they shrunk their head down to get on a billboard, you fat head fuck. It's a a billboard you I think one of the reasons, there's no one, I don't think there's anyone that would meet her and me and go, dude, she's fucking batting. You could do way better. When I do meet her, I'll come and chat with you. Thanks, man. Yeah, you're doing it.

Finally. Why don't you think about someone else? The Washington Generals that play the Globetrotters. Finally the Washington generals get one. Yes. But she said, I honestly think a major part of the reason she's with me is in family photos, my head's so big that it makes her head normal. I think she's got a big head, but mine's so much bigger.

But her, if she was with a dude with a little head, she'd look fucking ridiculous. So you're welcome. She's based her whole life off how big your head is. Yeah. I can't be with anyone else. Well, I'm someone before, even with the photo, well, I'm like, the photo shouldn't be for me.

My head should be in the back. I should stand maybe 30 meters behind everyone else in a group shot. And then we all look like we're together. The problem is, you're not tall enough to stand back there. It's like the Chilean salt flats. I've got to, from a distance. Yeah, it's funny like I've got a pinhead. I'm 5'10". Matt's 6'1.5". Fuck and fit. Fuck. I know. Do you know how fucked it". Fuck and fit. Fuck. I know.

Do you know how fucked it is? It is so fucked. Like, I love the guy to death so much. My best friend in the world. And it's like, I've got to go places and stand next to him. And he looks great. I look like shit. And I'm like, I'm just trying to do my thing over here.

But he's just so genetically- That's why he's like, get Cody in. Get someone shorter than me. I'm about to to do my thing over here, but he's just so genetically wise. I get code in Get someone shorter than me. I'm about to be a glamour. I Want to feel what Maddie feels I want to feel it. I don't feel but I've been Been recording with his wife. Mm-hmm It's great cuz it's way better to look at her than he is looking Cop that Maddie. Little dig.

Anyway, okay, let's... Matt, I, uh, Matt. Jesus, you miss him that much. That hurt. But also a sick compliment. Yeah, yeah. I did go to the gym today. You are six one and a half and jacked.

We do this segment called Parenting Hack or Fuck That. I forgot that this is a weekly episode. No. I'm just like, I I'm gonna interview you and it's about one of us shows you a video or vice versa of Apparent doing something whether it could be a hack. Mm-hmm, or it's like fuck fuck that Okay, you know, I haven't seen this either. So this could be for both I if it's a parenting hack or fuck that so I call the day's topsy-turvy So when I'm hung over and my wife's

like, you're getting up with the boys. I'm like, boys, this is crazy. It's a Topsy Turvy day. Look at this. Dad's having a shower and it's cold. The whole world's Topsy Turvy. And they feel the water. And they're like, Dad, that's crazy. How are you standing in there? I'm like, I don't know. What a wild day. Dad's having a big breakfast. I also say the car doesn't work because I haven't had enough sleep. Yeah yeah yeah. Sorry guys. We walk past the car and little Max in my three-year-old saying you have enough sleep dad? I'm like sorry mate. Yeah shut up and stop judging me. It won't start because my eyes are red and my skin has steam

coming off it. Sorry. I got um. Or the car will work and I'll be in the news. Do you want to see daddy in the news? I'm just gonna drive down a main road. The other day I got a letter in the mail that said your license has been suspended for not paying an overdue fine. Okay. And the next day I had both kids. Does that mean you had no points left anyway? No, no, it was just I didn't even get I don't even remember. Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember much. Let's be honest. I had both kids. This is the blackout day at the shops.

And I paid the fine the night before thinking I'll be able to drive again the next day. But then the kids like, where are you going? And I was like, trying to explain to them that daddy's not allowed to drive. It was very embarrassing. Yeah. Like daddy's not allowed to drive. Why? Cause daddy parked in a bus zone. Oh, daddy didn't pay the fine for three months.

So it was a bit like. It's actually such a sad reason not to be able to drive either. So guess what kids? Yeah. Back to bed. Yeah. All right. So guess what kids? Yeah back to bed Yeah, all right, so this is a hack or fuck that yeah I'm gonna show you us both this because I haven't seen it things I wish I knew as a first time mom the fuck what the fuck who's this mum giver? How she done this it's gonna explode afterwards oh

That's not cool. That is fucking torture. Way to turn your kid into Bane, lady. Ah, the nappy feels. This is what she's done. She's replaced the mask in a face mask with a dummy. The straps are over the ears, but the dummy

is stuck in. They can't get it off. That's torture. Yeah, that's like it's essentially like waterboarding you don't yeah I'm gonna say fuck that as well. Yeah, it's like grabbing the back of a child's head and being like Yeah, yeah I think the kid doesn't want the dummy. Yeah. Yeah, Yeah, you know what when that kid's like 12 and they're like, oh Why does he still have the dumb? Yeah, we know what it's strapped to its head Anyway, I got Nick before we finish up this chaotic episode that is

Tutoring dads we have a listener question for you. Mm-hmm It's not specific to you because it's specific to a parent and you so happen Whoo to be a parent. I'm listening you're listening. Okay, it's from Taylor. Hello, Taylor. Thank you for writing in What's the silliest tantrum your little one has thrown and I'll just give you their example Yeah this morning my two-year-old demanded I take his feet off Like that were shoes. Cue me trying to explain why that's possible without laughing. Yeah. What is the silliest tantrum that you're...

I remember my eldest Charlie when he was about two. He had a very specific breakfast, you know, when kids start, you know, decision making. Now it's just- Glass bubbles, no milk, bit of honey. Yeah, you know what I mean? But that's fine, like now they're just like oats, toast. Yeah.

They want that and whatever you do to it, they don't really care. But at one point he was like- It's like that pepperoni pizza level he was oats, oats, oats, a certain amount of frozen raspberries, a certain amount of frozen blueberry, but he would have three different spoons in the bowl. A spoon for every berry. Yeah, he would just have different spoons for different things in this bowl. And if you ever try to take it was a fucking nightmare and I just found it so funny

it's like where are all the spoons dude we used to rent before we bought our house we were renting this joint and had a shit dishwasher so we'd go through cutlery quickly and you'd open the drawer where are the fucking spoons where are the spoons and you look over at a kid with eight spoons Where are the spoons? And you look over at a kid with eight spoons. Are they little spoons too? Are they limited before we even get started? Yeah, I honestly think it's, like I said before, with him stitching me up down the street,

I think maybe it was his first thought, I'm just going to see how many fucking big spoons I can put in here before they yell at me for being ridiculous. More spoons. He'd just be sitting on the floor with so many spoons in a bowl I can put in here before they yell at me for being ridiculous Is I'm more spit more spoon He just be sitting on the floor with so many spoons in a bowl and if you took one off I said that's too many Just to melt down. Yeah, I know now when you're tired you're annoyed by it, but it's like that's pretty funny It's pretty funny now, but taking off the feet is oh Yeah, yeah trying to like

off the feet is oh yeah yeah trying to like something that's physically impossible yeah i i've got a similar spoon one where macy has like this pink spoon at home where no matter what she's eating she has to have this pink spoon yeah but then if i like whack a teaspoon in there it's like chaos yeah but like it like that's plausible trying to take feet. Yeah, that's like I Think like maybe our parents would have been like, okay, let me just get the machete out. Yeah Yeah, and threaten them with that Yeah, I think our parents didn't maybe didn't listen or just smack in and smoke inside My just do a different stuff. My parents used to threaten me with methylated spirits. Oh No, I swear. That was my grandparents. Yeah. What for swearing? Just any, just anything.

Just any almond. They'd be like, chase me around with some methylated spirits. The biggest tantrum my kid has had, I don't recall. I probably... It's generally food related. I heard that's their, a lot of times it's the first agency they have. They get to make a choice. They've got control over nothing else. Yeah, no, but that's why they crack it. They're like, I get to say no to that or yes to this. And then they're just trying to figure out how it works.

We were talking the other day about, so my youngest, Macy, she's just starting to get really cheeky and she says no a lot. Yeah. She's like, that's like her main thing. It's her coping message. No, no. But I've started, um, instead of going from like, Hey Macy, do this to like, Hey Macy, do it like getting more and more. I've started to just go straight to the startle stage.

Oh. Where she can't see me. I'm like, Lazy! Oh. And she's like, Yeah. Because I'm like, you had enough digs at me. I'm having a couple of digs a year. And then she'll melt down.

Yeah. And then she'll, that's usually the biggest meltdown is when I've started her and she's slipped over in the hallway. Great. Like she's so funny. Yeah. My neighbor in the old place, um, I think my son was maybe four and he went to hit his brother.

We've got two boys. So it's how I describe two boys is they, they most of their life like they're WWE wrestlers. Oh, yeah. Yet they don't know that exists. Not yet. Imagine when they find out. So everything happening and they're flipping and like you'll be lying on the floor. It's like, dad. And it's like a fucking frog splash like a Shawn Michaels frog splash. Max is doing a suplex. Yeah.

Charlie's like, can you smell? Yeah. What the rock? Well, they've got a massive costume box. So it's all like 80s wrestlers. They just look like 80s wrestlers walking around, slapping each other, talking shit. Yeah, woo!

You know? But they've never seen it. But when Charlie was four, Max was two. I think Charlie went to hit him with something and I just catch it out of the corner of my eye. And I think there's two comments I've made under videos of yours that have more likes than anything I've ever put up.

Than the actual video? One was about, it was like you picking your kid up from daycare and it was about your wife saying like, what did he have for lunch? And I was like, yeah, every time I bring him home, it's like, what do you have for lunch? I don't know, I just said, I don't know, I wasn't there for him to have a lunch. I don't know, I don't give a shit.

And one was about, it was like, do you yell, I was talking about yelling at kids. And I said, as soon as someone can show me something that stops a four-year-old hitting a two-year-old in 0.002 seconds, better than yelling, I'm happy to hear it. But like a, FART!

Like a, FART! It's just freezing. But once he went to hit his brother, I went, FART! And like yelled. My phone goes off and I look and it's a text and it was my next door neighbor and he said, my wife just jumped in the kitchen.

It was like a sonic boom through walls. I scared multiple households. Oh yeah, you've got the neighbors concern. When I was a kid my parents, the neighbors used to call the cops on my parents all the time because they thought my parents were abusing me, but I was just a hell screamer. Oh really? And like, full disclosure, my parents were not abusing me. Oh no, I haven't met them and I know you're the liability. Oh yeah, I'm the problem. It's not them, it's me.

Without having no knowledge of them, I've taken their side. Oh, I get it. I get it. And you're also taking the neighbors side. I got the cost too. I'm taking the neighbors side. We were in Bali recently and Macy, we were sharing a big, it was three villas attached. So it was like, you could thankfully escape the other families. And I was like, Macy was standing in a cot and I was like, lie down! Like a referee.

And then the next morning I had my, I saw my mate and he was like, my whole family laid down when we heard that. And I was three houses up. Yeah. I reckon some people in the adjoining hotel rooms have just gone a bit early. You know what, it's five to six in Sydney but that's alright. No, no, no. The sun will go down soon. The hotel freaks next door have stopped having

sex and now they're asleep. That's probably a good time. That is a good time actually. That's a good time to wrap this up. Nick, thank you so much for jumping on. Thanks for having me. It's always a pleasure to have you. Thanks for making me the second repeat guest that's not family. It's a long title, but I'll take it. You are now the official third doting dad of this podcast. The masks make you feel really good. Yes. Just quickly, what's the update on the third child?

Tryin'. Yeah? Yeah. Congratulations. Yeah. You know where it goes? Belly button? Bum? I don't know. Just. You know where it goes?

Belly button? Bum? I don't know. Just have a go. Just honestly, if it's dark, shut your eyes. See what happens. It's not on me. I don't make it.

How's this my fault? You just do the prep work. You just do the lead up. Yeah. I've handed off the baton. Yeah, yeah. It's all yours now. You do what you want with it.

The small soft baton. I've handed it over. You do what you will. It's all up to you. I'm going to do what you want with it. The small soft baton I've handed over, you do what you will. It's all up to you now babe. If you've enjoyed this episode please leave us a review, leave us a little comment, message Nick if you've got any real gripes. Join us on social media which we've got. Well, actually, message Matty. Because I wouldn't be here if he wasn't in the jungle. So it's actually his fault.

Yeah, fuck that guy. Unless it's praise, then send it directly to me. Yeah, fuck that beautiful specimen of a man. Yeah, send it to that. He's also sensitive, fuck. Send it to that hot piece of shit. Eat a carb, bro. You fucking handsome dog.

Eat a carb, all right? It's good, it's good. Yeah, have Eat a carb, alright? It's good, mate, it's good. Have you ever heard of potato? It's a vegetable. You don't have to work out all the time. He's like twice a week. For how long? Eight hours. Join us on social media, 2dotingdads, Instagram, TikTok and of course Facebook, 2dotingdads.

We will be happy to accept your friendship on there. Anyway, thank you so much Nick. I appreciate you being here. Appreciate you having me, mate. Thanks so much. Bye guys.