Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #131 Body Slamming, Touching Towels And Sleeping Rules

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

The beach rules have changed: gone are the days when you could mark your territory with a towel.  Matty J was left SHOCKED after discovering this firsthand when he took the kids to the beach over the weekend.  Turns out it wasn't an isolated experience, as Ash found himself in a similar situation.  What do you think? What is the right way to mark your territory at the beach?  Ash also updates us on Vegas (yeah, it must be nice to be away from the kids for three nights and enjoy Sin City!)  Matt is also dealing with Marlie's missing school hats. If found, please return!  2025 Raunchy Ranch Calendar IS STILL ON SALE!  https://budgysmuggler.com.au/products/two-doting-dads-raunchy-ranch  Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Six Weebicks. Stepped it up a notch. Oh yeah, I went to six. It's Australia's fast bowler. I don't think I could do seven. Seven would be... Get in, Jam. Okay, I'm just going to say it.

These are rookie numbers. Go on. I reckon I could do double that. And I'm happy for you to challenge me if you want to go down that track. And if you want to have a Weebicks eating competition, also not sponsored. But if you'd like to get on board, Weebicks.

14. I reckon anywhere between 12 and 15 I can eat. Also not sponsored. But if you'd like to get on board, Weetbix. How many? 14? I reckon anywhere between 12 and 15 I can eat. I'm not even fucking scared bro. Why? You reckon you could eat more than that? 100%. Okay. Well, why are you only eating sick?

Because I got kids to get out the door. I'm busy. I'm just like, shut up kids, I'm eating my Weetbix. In two hours, the kids are like, daddy, I'm late for school. Shut up Oscar. It's a good counting exercise for them to like, Why daddy can eat like 16 Weetbix? How many would you normally have?

I reckon 20. Let's go. I reckon I could eat 20. I reckon a whole packet I could eat a Weetbix. Shut the fuck up. You can't eat 20 Weetbix. Daddy's hungry. I'm getting all flustered about the Weet-Bix. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J.

And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. And one thing that it's not is a podcast that gives advice. Yeah, I would say that's correct. Thank you very much. Ash, you had to get prompted to know something about me. I did. I've noticed that you have removed said beard that was on thy face of you.

My daughter called it a chin... I don't know what she called it... A chin trim. A chin trim. She's like, oh, you got a chin trim. That's clever. Where did she get that from? That sounds like a Nana. That sounds like a Nana thing. Oh, I got a chin trim. I decided to shave it this morning.

Yeah, you look fresh. Your face looks skinny. Yeah, I know. You know when you like... You go away somewhere for ages and you look fresh. Your face looks skinny. Yeah, I know. You know when you like, you go away somewhere for ages and you come back and you see like your pet again, you're like, you look so young. You look a different pet again. Have you ever noticed that?

You think I look young? You look young. You look sprightly. Have you ever, have you ever had a beard that you shaved? You're always quite well kept, but have you ever done it and then noticed that it kind of stinks under there? No. Oh, neither have I.

Do you know what? Yesterday as well, I took Iggy, the small dog of mine, to the groomers and me and Oscar went and picked him up and I brang Iggy into the car and Oscar goes, that's not Iggy. Stupid kid. I was going to say, he like like the dog stunk. I kind of smelled, Laura had joked about the fact that it was a bit smelly. Were you cleaning it? Yeah bro.

What were you? Just whatever shampoo's in there. Shampoo? A shampoo, what else are you meant to do? Facial cleanse. You look pretty good under there. Like you could have, it could have sweat and like. No, around here, it was, it was so flaky.

It was really flaky and kind of smelled like Parmesan cheese. And I was like, I was like, I better have a quick shower before I did the school run. Yeah, you best do. Otherwise. Looks good. Thank you. You're still gonna be a great,

that's what your gray comes through, isn't it? Thank you for reminding me. It's all right. But Laura couldn't kiss me. Couldn't kiss me. Because you're stunk like Parmesan cheese. Because I smell like Parmesan cheese. Yeah.

Yeah. She was like, when are you going to fucking get rid of it? And I just liked it. I liked it. Oh, you and I are very different. The more April tells me to get rid of something, the longer I keep it. Well, it's been what, three weeks now since the jungle has been. So for three weeks, Laura's been begging, pleading, if you will, Ash, to have it removed.

And finally... Gone. Well, I just, I enjoyed having sex without kissing. That's the best. It's nice. It feels like... It's efficient. It's very transactional.

It's very transactional. I was like, money's on the side table. There you are. It's as light as that cash or card was like, money's on the side table. There you are. It's as low as that cash recard. Hey, how's Vegas? Vegas was good, man. I'll be honest.

It's nice to see you back in one piece. It was a lot. It was a lot for me. There's a lot of pain behind those eyes. I know. It was a lot for three nights in Vegas. The night before I went, I was like, what am I doing? I was going to travel 18 hours for three nights in Vegas.

Did you get the upgrade? No. No. No. I look, I... The flight over is fine because it's... I left in the middle of the day. So it's like, it's pretty much just like an AVO drinking session on a plane.

That's pretty much all it is. By yourself? Yeah. I had an American company next to me and they were like, gee, this guy can stack away some beers. Did you have a quick chat? Yeah, I had a quick chat. Oh me and they were like, geez, this guy can snuck away some beers. Did you have a quick chat? Yeah, I had a quick chat.

Oh, I bet it was riveting for them. It was. Anyway, I'm talking about it. And then... It's always awkward, I just say, it's always awkward if you start the chat too early on, it's hard to know when to break away. Yeah, I just got on really drunk

and it was all systems go. No, I was respectful. I watched my own things. really drunk and it was all systems go. No, I was respectful. I watched my own things and then we chatted a little bit. How you have to preface it. I was very respectful on the flight. Everything's okay. I was considerate. I was a considerate drunk. They're now Canadians. But no, it was good. It's a long way, as you know. And like on the way back, I was lucky. I got two spare seats and slept for like 10 hours.

But the coldest plane I've ever been on. I looked across the aisle and there's a lady there. She looked like, you know, homeless men. They've got heaps of blankets all over their shoulders. And they're like, that was freezing. And it was like, oh. Would you say anything? Would you make it?

What do you say? Change the temperature in the whole plane? Maybe someone bumped the... Maybe the air hostess bumped the like control panel and set it to like 17 instead of 21. Maybe. I reckon they did it on purpose because it's United Help. What do they call them again? Flight attendants. Not help. We just stand in the barrel and go, say, help up. Bring me a drink. Feed me some grapes.

Help a woman over there. Not young. They're all, I noticed that the demographic are quite old. And they're so grumpy. So I was. Why is that? You're like. And I found myself trying to be so overly nice.

And then I was like, fuck this. And then I was just like, baby! But when you ask for a drink, it's honestly like you're asking for like their newborn child. They're like, okay, here it is. That's like I'm asking him to land the plane, like midair. Like, just relax. Just get me a drink.

I know. It's like probably because they do that. But shout out to land the plane like mid air like. Just relax. Just get me a drink. I know. That's like probably because they do. But shout out to all the air hostesses out there working incredibly hard. Except United. Well they obviously work at a job like especially the Americans, but they don't get tipped for that job, right? Oh yeah. That must.

Do they expect a tip? Maybe they do. Maybe they're like that guy in seat number 23A is not tipping us. Well that's guys. I owe a lot of flight attendants a lot of money. I saw the biggest penis I've ever seen. Gone. So, you know, Vegas strip, lots of beautiful, fancy hotels.

And you've got MGM, you've got Caesars. And it's sort of like, you know, if you look at a building, like, that's a building, but you go to Vegas and you look at the building, you're like, Whoa, look at that. You know, it's got a thing. Architectural marvels. It's a bit tacky, but it's like, it's, it's, I always try to be polite to the Americans.

I don't obviously. I don't tip them. I mean, like even the, um, what's the one with the fountains out the front? Belage. The belage. Belage, yeah. The belage. It was chockers along. I couldn't even get down the footpath. It was just busy, like, I don't know. Weather was great. You know last time it was a bit windy?

This time it was quite nice. Do you have a memory at all? Do you? What's my name? John. Was it windy? I don't remember the weather. Remember they grounded all the flies.

It was one day was windy. Remember we went to go to the pool? And they were like, pool's closed. And the umbrellas are flying and impaling people now. I remember sorry, but we didn't have that this time It was not beautiful wind was good. It was about on the last day, right? Okay. So what happened? How did I say you're admiring the buildings? How do you then at which point do you then come face to face with a giant penis? I was in one of the building windows So you come around the corner,

we come around the corner, there's a place called the Lynx, which is like a really old building in the middle of the strip. It looks so out of place. Like it's, it's due for a knockdown. It must be like a heritage listed. It's like that. You're like, you come around the corner, like, fuck is this building? Anyway, it's got, none of the windows are tinted. There's a guy standing there, full in the fucking stark, right? White guy, my man.

What level do you think it was? Rough. Five levels up. Oh, so yeah. Not far. So he would know that he's like, he's close. He would know what he's doing. Yeah. So if you're level 20, like, I don't care. Mate, this thing hung down to his knee and he was completely shaven. And me and Miles stopped. How long were you looking at him for? Ages. I was like, put my hands together and he just a big thumbs up. Oh, he thumbs up. He gave you a thumbs up. Big thumbs up. And then he but he was standing there so proud and majestic like he knew what he had.

Maybe it was a fake, like prosthetic. No, this thing was real. You reckon he just, good on him. Yeah, didn't move. Didn't move a muscle. And he's just watching the people down. And it was like a crowd of people. I was like standing up on like a ledge and I was like.

Like same kind of crowds that would go to watch the fountains at Bellagio or then watching this guy at Lynx. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it goes off every 30 minutes. Man. Highlight of the trip. Wow. No, it wasn't hard.

It was huge. What was? Just thought it was memorable. No, I'm glad. I'm glad you held on to that story. If obviously for anyone wondering, you know, this guy was a willing participant. He was putting himself on show. He was a showman.

I was a peeper. I couldn't miss it. It wasn't like Ash was like breaking into rooms and looking at people's penises. He was a showman. I wasn't peeping. I couldn't miss it. It wasn't like Ash was like breaking into rooms and looking at people's penises. That's a story for another time. But no, very good. And I did notice that over there this year, because it was for the NRL, a lot more families, man.

Like young families too. So like little kids in their sharks jerseys. Can I just say, love the NRL. Yes. Love what they're doing over in Vegas. Is it a family friendly place? Do you know what they did this time? Go on.

And they've made it way more inclusive. So you know how like Fremont Street was like a night thing? Yeah. They had the Arvo Entertainment for the kids. Nice. On Fremont they would do like the Fox 360 and the Maddie John show in the afternoon so all the kids could be around and there was all the entertainers and like... Would you take Oscar and Macy there next year?

No! I live a very different lifestyle to those children. But I actually spent the games with a young family from the Shire. And funny story how this came about. I bought tickets on the day, the cheapest tickets, so right at the top. And Miles, my friend, he went, we're doing hot lobster, because it's a beautiful stadium. You remember it was amazing. They know how to do it, right? And we're going up the escalator and Miles starts chatting to this guy.

He's got two big things of popcorn. Because Miles, where'd you get that popcorn? And he started to give us the spiel about, hey, if you buy one of these things, he's got two big things of popcorn, and cause Miles, where'd you get that popcorn? And he started to give us the spiel about, hey, if you buy one of these things, he's got his kids. And he was like, where are you guys sitting? And we're like, oh, we're way up the top. And he goes, oh, we're way up the top too, until we started to get up there.

And I didn't realize his wife is deathly afraid of heights. It's very steep. So steep. And he was like, I went to one of the ladies there, my wife's afraid of heights. So they gave them a full like concrete deck that was like mid level. That's usually used for like,

well it still was used for like wheelchairs and stuff. They had a whole deck. Oh wow. And I was like, is that right? Pa used to be scared of heights. And the weasel started weaseling. Yeah. I was like.

Your weasel senses would have been like, ding ding ding ding ding ding. I'm also deathly afraid of heights. Anyway, he goes, come with us. And I went and the lady was like, do you have tickets? I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm way up there. Didn't realize I'm deathly afraid of heights. And she was like, oh, there's plenty of room here.

I love how you have to put in deathly. Yeah. I am deathly. I'm going to save. I'm going to sell it. I'm not going to be like, oh, I'm kind of afraid of heights. So I got to sit on this. I will die if I have to to save it. I'm going to sell it. I'm not going to be like, oh, I'm kind of afraid of heights. So I got to sit on this.

I will die if I have to stand up there. So I went from a $30 ticket to a $200 ticket like that. So I just sat there the whole time with this family. Were you in a wheelchair? No, I was standing. Standing. It was great. Anyway, they had two young girls.

They go for the sharks and just, you know, just run it lovely, run in the middle sort of families and shout out to those guys. Um, I think his name is Brian. Anyway, think, but one thing that really shocked me, okay. About this family is they had two daughters. One was seven and one was sort of Macy's age. I'd be a little bit younger and I was, you know, chatting to the seven year old cause she's, you know, having a good time and I was like, what's your favorite TV show? And she turned around.

She goes WWE. The wrestling. Wow. Wow. Pretty influenced by dad, I reckon. Is he? Mum. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And mum was like, we love it. But she's scared of heights, but she loves wrestling. And apparently the daughter also loves Vanderpump. And they love popcorn. Yeah. What an interesting Brian. Yeah.

What an interesting family. Yeah. Wow. It was good to have. That's how they do it in the Shire. Yeah. I was like, I thought she'd be like, I don't know, Coco Mellon, something like that. Yeah.

What's the one, like Gabby's Dollhouse? Yeah. I was expecting, was not expecting her to be like. And she's like, don't know, body slams you. Anyway, I was expecting, was not expecting her to be like. And she was like, don't move, body slams you. And I was like, all right, see you guys. Body slams you, Ash, body slams you. Body slams you. What?

Sometimes, you know, you get body slammed, like. I'm confused, what am I missing? Just give a fake laugh. Oh. Like that? Yes. But she body slammed you, because she loves the WWE. I just give a fake laugh. Oh, like that? Yeah, anyway. But she body slammed you because she loves the WWE. She picked me up and she put me between her legs and went boof and pole

drove me into the ground. Trying to tell a story here. I'm trying to tell a joke, bro. I missed it. I'm sorry. I couldn't tell. I'm sorry. I couldn't tell.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. Very funny, Matthew. I have to have like a little like tapper under the table. Oh, come on. And I'm like, I'm sorry. Okay. Very funny, Matthew. I have to have like a little like tapper under the table. Oh, come on. And I'm like...

I just missed that one. You missed a few. Anyway... Body slam. I'm just gonna... You're gonna just keep saying it? Yes. Okay. Anyway, moving on.

What was I saying? Yes. So, good trip... Body slammed. I don't get the joke. I don't get it. She's seven. Oh, so like it would take don't get the joke. I don't get it. Cause she's seven. Oh, so like it would take a lot for her to do it? Well, cause she's, cause she, you know, you're chatting to a seven year old and she's like...

Why am I sweating? I feel like I'm really missing this joke. I'll show you my favorite show. And then she just picks you up and slams. I get it now. I do. I do. What we're saying is if we went back and I asked the question again, instead of her giving me the answer, she just body slammed me. Yay! We got there. But anyway, I was like, all right, at the end of the night, we're going to go off and do some adult things like go to a casino or do whatever. And I was like, oh, I see. really nice to meet you and she just goes like John Cena see you didn't laugh the John Cena wave that he does where he runs his hand in front of his anyway let's move on you really throw me off sorry that's

okay that's okay yes it was good it was a good trip overall I didn't know that was have you don't you know I thought she was blind like no she's definitely Okay. Yes, it was good. It was a good trip overall. I didn't know that was. Have you? Don't you know? I thought she was blind. No, she's definitely afraid of heights, man. Hey, just quickly. Just quickly. You met Aaron Woods again.

Why am I sweating, dude? It's a bit warm. It's a bit warm. Yeah, go. I did. I ran into Woodsy over there. I went in search of him. Should we give you a little podcast to plug?

New podcast? Sure. Yeah. I went in search of him. Should we give you a little podcast to plug? New podcast? Sure. Yeah. There's something very exciting coming. I'm not leaving here unless you kick me out. You'll be like, one dosing dad. I feel like I'm in a relationship where I'm allowing my partner to have sex with other people. That sounds amazing.

I'm not watching you record with Aaron Woods. You can if you want. But I've got a cup chair. Could you put a chair in the corner? A cuck chair. I'll just sit there in silence watching you guys. You have a podcast. Yes, it's called NRL, what's it? NRL Aces.

I don't think we've actually got a name for it yet. So, okay. Sorry, I shouldn't. You shouldn't laugh. It's not me that's unorganized, but it sounds about right. It's called NRL Aces. Is it out? We are recording next week for the first time.

So it could be a mess. No. I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm sure it'll be fine. It's all about football, of course, but it's a bit different because it's more like the armchair expert versus the expert and then we have a host. Which one are you? I am definitely not an expert.

I'm an armchair. I'm the sort of guy who will sit on the couch and when like he throws the ball for oh drops the ball he goes I would I would call that like that sort of shit. Yeah like that very good. And then we have Renee Gartner who's gonna keep us in line. Perfect. So that starts next week. I can't wait to watch in the corner. In your cuck chair. Yeah. Beautiful. I have a little update of three things. Okay good. Three things I would like to talk to you about. One is just very quick. Wondering how many hats you have lost at school so far? None. Different with boys and girls, I think.

Okay, go on. Okay, because girls have hair and you have to put it into different sort of ponytails and stuff. The hat doesn't sit right. No, I don't really do my hair anymore. She just put it into different sort of ponytails and stuff. The hat doesn't sit right. No, I don't really do my hair anymore. She just wants it to be free. You know, she ever lost a seat. That's terrible for nits, dude. Oh, man. The nits don't care if it's in a ponytail or not. The nits will, they're going to attack. They do. They have preferences.

The nits won't go, oh, hang on a second. That's braided. No, no. It's all about the hair moving and touching other people. Who is telling you this? It's science. From like what? Okay, well just... What report? Oh, I don't know off the top of my head.

It's from Sir Head Lyser. We can figure it out, but I'm pretty sure that's how it works. But anyway, so like it sits quite snug on Oscar's head. Right. But I know when I put a hat on Macy, I turn around, it's like, where's that fucking hat gone? Because it doesn't seem to have. We've lost three.

We've lost three. Three hats? We lost three. She's selling them, dude. That's different. Do you reckon she is? Well, and I'm like, can you go to lost property and check? And she's like, where is that?

And I'm like, you have to ask your teacher. Ask your teacher where it is. Anyway, three hats and a water bottle. Three hats and a water bottle. I see. I see how that... I get it. Yeah, yeah.

But buy secondhand uniforms. Yeah. Five bucks. Yeah. Five bucks. Yeah. It new is a fool's game. I know the hat thing is annoying because I've... Oscar's come home with two hats. Kai, come and pick your fucking hat up.

Actually, Marley did come home with a beautiful metal water bottle. Well, that's now yours. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, oh, that's like 40 bucks. That's like 30 bucks. Well, I bought now yours. Yeah, I was like, oh, that's that's that's like 40 bucks. 30 bucks. Well, I bought the kids water bottles. Remember, they stitched me up. It was like 70 bucks a water bottle. From where? Smiggle.

No, Kmart. Kmart. Give them the microplastics. They're great. The beach. Ash. Yes, I'm familiar. Sand, water. For those of you who may not be familiar, I was away in the jungle for a while. You were. 30 days, plus a week prior.

So it was, you know, almost 40 days. You were gone a long time. So I've come back and my memory has completely played tricks on me. You lost it. I've forgotten how hard parenting is. And I've forgotten how hard parenting is. And I've forgotten activities which make parenting even harder. Beach is one of them.

Beach is, that is a minefield. That is like great, great to get out of the house, great to suck up a few hours, great to tie the kids out. But let's be honest here. The beach is an absolute fucking nightmare. It's, look, it's getting ready to go. Nightmare. On the way, nightmare.

Getting there, nightmare. Parking. Parking, nightmare. Just so much gear. Getting out, nightmare. Then the worst part is getting them in the car full of sand. Ah! And do you know what happened?

Yes. Bondi, very busy, right? Everyone is on top of each other. No! It's just like one big orgy on the beach there. I'm listening. Just quickly, what do you, I mean, it depends on how busy the beach is, but what do you think is the appropriate distance between towels?

Like strangers' towels? Yeah. Oh, I think their arm and your arm. Yeah. So like a meter and a half, maybe. Maybe two meters. That and then one more of them. Dude, people, they were, they were like, I put my towel down and then the towel is touching my towel and I don't want to be that guy saying, excuse me, but our towels

are touching. Yeah. Like that's not allowed. There's no, I don't know. There shouldn't be any towel crossover. No towel. If you're crossing over someone else's towel. Unless the wind accidentally wafts it on them.

But even if your towel is close enough to be wafted by the wind over to your towel, that's too close. Yeah. Like it's a nightmare. So we're walking down and it's very hard to, you know, it's, you're trying to like dodge all the people. Don't have the buggy. No time for that. I got the, I got the big pram, big pram, load the big pram up, big bag.

Then like we have to trek from the ramp, drop the pram off, then trek across the beach. And it's, it's an arduous journey. You know, you're dodging people. And I said to one of my children, I don't want to call them out, but I said to them, just be really careful because they're not lifting their feet. They're just kicking the sand. I said, just be really careful.

We don't want to kick sand on people. And then one of my children had that information, looked at me, walked up to a woman who was sunbaking and just kicked sand right in her face. Do you know what that whoever may name this would have heard you say when you say don't kick sand? All they would have heard was kick sand. It was like that's all they would have heard. Just like just went up, went up to a woman.

Why? I don't know. I'm like, what is fucking wrong with you? Just went up to a woman. Just she was having a great time relaxing on the beach and just got an absolute boot full of sand in her face and she's there going like what the hell I know I know which child this was and and then I'm going I'm so so sorry that was that was not me that was my wife you should have

doubled down and just give her a big Matty J flipper full of sand I was I wanted to make peace here anyway I know which child it was and then and then also reading between the lines my children are a really difficult age right now where they've just started to like waves. Like before they were petrified of waves, obviously small waves. They quite like it. But as we're like waist deep in the water, sometimes the odd rogue wave would come, which was like a bomb set, which is like almost head height for my my

Children as this bomb set comes either moments before impact I then lift the child up to save them and that's met with don't fucking touch me And I'm like, I just let him have it so So dude, after two bomb sets and being yelled at by my daughters, I'm like, do you know what? You can cop this. Here's a life lesson. And like this wave came, monster wave, like big bombing at the back.

And we're only like, we're again, waist deep. So it's whitewashed at this point. And it comes in and I'm like looking at my daughter, looking at this wave, looking at my daughter, looking at this wave, looking at my daughter and I'm like, well, you're going to get what you asked for. Braised for impact. God steamrolled those waves. And then like feet are like tumbling in the air.

I then I went over and rescued them, but I pick them up out of the water and they're like, oh, why didn't you get me? Or it's usually met with, I hate the beach. I want to go home. I'm like, what do you want? What is it? I can't pick you up. I can't let you get hit by a wave. Like, what do you want from me?

Also just going to say, I love my kids. Really? I love them. It's like, um, it's, they don't know what they want. You're trying to get them out of danger's way. They don't know that that's danger until it hits. You've done the right thing. So then I'm like, I want them to know that the waves can...

Waves are not your friend. Don't underestimate the ocean. Dude. Anyway, I came back and I was just like, that was... They were just like full of sand. Yeah, they were hungry and they were, you know, anyway. I did the same thing with Oscar, but on a like a foamy surfboard. He was like, I was pushing him onto these tiny, it was like, I'm talking the size of an iPhone wash just so that he could get going.

Yeah, lovely, lovely. And he was like, oh, I want bigger. I want a bigger one. I was like, okay, bro, here you go. I pushed him on one like double the size and it just nosedived. Flung him over. The guy took off. Up the beach. He's just like, I'm like, where you running?

We live that way. Eventually, he turned around and came back and then it was had to go see mom. Hate the water. Hate the surfboard. Then I just I continued. Hate dad. I continued to do the mom, hate the water, blah, blah. Hate the surfboard. Then I just, I continued. Hate dad. No, yeah. I continued to do the same thing to Macy.

But she's in a big floaty jacket. Slingshotting these kids across the beach. She's in a big floaty jacket. So she just rolled on top of the water. But yeah, I hate the beach now. I hate the beach. I hate the beach. And also to go back

to your point about how close the towers are, right? Yeah, go on. We've just gone out of school holidays, which you know is a terrible time to go to the beach. It's the time that you want to go and the time that everyone else wants to go. So it's just chaos. We're down the beach, Narrabin beach, and there's a big rock wall. And we sit up against a rock wall. There's a lagoon that runs into the ocean and then it it goes in and out in and out and it's like a bit bit rapidy and then there's also some deeper spots for the kids but there's not a lot of sand for anyone who's unfamiliar look at

ashes stories on the weekend and you'll see narrow being like which is beautiful it is lovely when it's gorgeous when it's open when it's not open it's like a big stinky puddle but it's probably like from me to the wall away. Yeah. It's a couple of meters in terms of sand and we're sat here in a spot. People sat, you know, and this family with a tent came and sat within 10 centimeters of where my feet are. No. Like a full tent, so they're completely obstructed. Just move in. Yeah, just move into my fucking house,

why don't you? Sister wives. And they've obstructed the view, and then the tent, he even moved my towel corner to put the tent peg in. Come on, bro, come on. Like who has the audacity to move someone else's tower? Are you kidding me?

No. And I said, oh, good thing we're leaving. What did he say? He just laughed, like giggled like he was, like, nervous. How do you... Where do you get that level of arrogance? It's more like self-awareness. Some people have zero self-awareness whatsoever. Like, just have a scarab of it. You may as well, you may as well just move into someone's house,

like knock on the door, come through with like Esky, and have lunch in the backyard. It's that generation. It's like my parents, they'll make my parents' generation. Where my mom, so I moved into my father-in-law's house, I don't know if I've told you this story, and mom goes, do you mind if we park a caravan at the front?

I was like, yeah, mom, you want to park a fucking caravan? And I saw at the front of my father-in-law's house, have some self-awareness. You have told me this story four times. Yeah, sorry. But that's what I mean, is that generation. I just, you talking about the tower distance really got me going.

I'm going to say on the weekend, the culprit was my age. Ooh. Yeah, it's all generations. It's an issue. It's an issue that's being neglected. We have an election coming up. I'm just saying. Well, there was that whole Kulkabana thing that went mental.

Yeah, dude, I want to, the hornet's nest. Taking a Kulkabana to the beach is like taking a carport to the beach. It's the same thing. Yeah, I think I'm gonna have to start doing it. No, because the towel's not strong enough. Set up a perimeter. Build a moat. No, the people are disregarding the... Back in my day, the towel was the perimeter.

Like, people would look at the towel as being like, that's your land. People disregard the towel now. No one gives any respect to the towel. People only respect the cool cabana. You should roll over onto their towel. Be like, hey. I started eating their snacks. Bring those strawberries over here. Got their sun cream. Started kissing his wife.

Nice. And I was like, yeah, is that, is that fine? How does that make you feel? That's how I feel when your towel approaches on my towel. So only way they'll learn. One other thing has happened as well. It's quite exciting. It's a big milestone. Big milestone in the Johnson-Burn household. It's exciting because where my child is evolving. Into what?

She can fly. Shut up. No. Bat time. She has, this is Lola, has stopped wearing nappies at night time. Ooh. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Okay. Yeah, stopped wearing nappies at night time. We did a rule where I think we said if you can do five nights of no-wees, then- A dry nappy in the morning. Yeah, and so every time we have a dry nappy, it was like, woo, like big celebration, big song and dance.

She was really excited. And then, and also, I said a lot of money nappies aren't cheap. Oh, yeah. And it's a bloody nightmare. Terrible for the environment. Not that that stopped me using them. Shout out to anyone who uses cloths. No.

Because fuck that. Who's got time for that? Love the environment though. What about this? When I had a kid, my sister was like, I was the first out of my siblings to have a kid that she was like, are you going to use reusable nappies? I'm like, no. She's like, do you know how bad they are for the environment? The other ones, like the ones you buy.

And then now she's got a niece and I said, did you use reusable nappies? She's like, I don't want to talk about it. But also, like, look at the mines that, you know, they're digging up Australia. It's over. Fuck it. Whether I'm using a Huggies nappy or not makes no difference we keep trying to get to net zero we're setting unachievable goals yeah let's go the other way don't put the pressure on the parents put the pressure on the mining companies yeah let's go the other way please net 100 but yeah we are we

decided this is gonna be it no nappies at night time good I'm loving that which is like you know it's a bit it, it's like my little girls growing up now. At every turn they're growing up. But then like first night, no nappies. Pissed to bed. But it worked out perfectly because she rolled off the bed and then peed. There's a little rug. She peed on the rug. I know what he's talking about.

Yeah, she peed on the rug. So she was like, daddy. And I went up there and she's like, I need to get changed. And I was like, this is a great result. Because the time it takes to change the bed, they then wake up even more. Everyone is pretty much awake. Yeah. And I was like, I'll just put a towel down, dry that rug right up.

Beautiful. It's fine. Love that. It's fine. But then Lola started doing this thing. Is she still heavy on the waters? Or if you slide that? She does.

Her sleep routine is a bit strange. Okay, go on. So she has a water bottle, but has to have it hot. Yep. Okay. With a certain temperature, it has to be not too hot to touch. She almost has it as a comforter. So she wants a warm water bottle when she sleeps.

Right? That's rule number one. Okay. Rule number two. This has only started happening since I've been away. She doesn't have a pillow anymore. She's very particular with her senses. Sensory issues, as my wife would call them. Yeah. So she doesn't have a pillow. She has like one of those soft felt blankets, which is folded up in the shape of a pillow.

That's what she sleeps on. Oh. Right. So that's rule number two. That's weird. So rule number one, just to reiterate, hot water bottle. Rule number two. Which is a water bottle.

Rule number two, blanket pillow. Rule number three. She sleeps on a block of cement. She... She can't use a duvet a doona do they do that's a great disagree that's another argument so she now get going on this one then she now just has a like a crocheted blanket and when she has the crocheted blanket like Nana's blanket Nana's blanket when she has it on her it has to be up to her shoulder.

Oh my God. And then has to be completely flat. Like all the edges all around her. So she's like, so she's a vampire. She's a vampire. She sleeps on her side. But yeah, if there's any ripple in the blanket, she's like, ah, there's a ripple.

Yeah. And you have to smooth out the blanket. Fuck, it's weird, eh? Yeah. That's my daughter. But they are. How dare you? They are weird.

Not just her in general. I can call her weird, you can't. Well, that is all weird. All of those things are all weird. I don't know what you want me to say. So that's how she sleeps now. And I'm like, do I start to push back on these things? No.

Do I just... Unless you want to lose some sleep. Do I just take the path of least resistance? Luckily, if the blanket ruffles up in the middle of the night, she's fine. She's fine, yeah. But going to sleep, it's, yeah. She's still got the dummy?

Yeah, I guess, yes. And that's also, yeah, we're on number four. Got the dummy still. We get, next week, get rid of the dummy. Again, remember what happened last time? But yeah. It's weird they pick up these little bits and pieces, like they comfort things, right?

They all have like. Marley doesn't really have that. It's just Lola. Because I had I've busted Macy actually. I busted her. She's been busted. So like all of our kids books, right? Because we read a book before they go to bed.

Part of the bedtime routine. Let's just make this episode about bedtime routine. Please. All about laying down. And so, you know, read a book. But she also likes to then take the book we've read to bed. Yep. I have no problems with that.

Yeah. But I had noticed over like a few months that every book has bits of it missing. She rips out pages. She rips out the flaps. She rips out... I love everything at the start. Not full pages, just bits of something. Like maybe, you know, when you're like a kid, you're like,

oh I love this from a magazine and you keep it or whatever. Yeah. Like sort of like that. And I was like, but I couldn't find the bits. She's eating them. That's what I thought. I thought she was fucking eating the paper. Yeah.

And I kept like, just trying to catch her. I was like, hey. But she'd just be like, anyway, she's got a bed full of books and all the half the pages are missing. And I was like, what's going on here? Anyway, she's still in a nappy and she leaked through the nappy and it was quite a big one. So it was like it went through multiple layers of sheets and whatever. So I've moved the bed and little behold,

I have found the nest. The nest, and I wanna show you. Please, because the video's quite funny. Love it. My hair clip. My hair clip. Your hair clip. Now come and show me what you've,

what's behind your bed. She's grown up. Oh, what's that from? Get back in. Get away. She's been sprung and she's just like, shit. I know, I know.

She's gaining this real attitude. Yeah, she's grown up peeps, dude. Dude, she's like turned into like, she's so funny. Now, anytime she does anything, instead of like facing the music, she just goes, Sorry! And you can't get cranky with it because she just says it's so cute. Where did they get that from? I don't know.

Must be a daycare thing. It's so funny. Yeah. Or she'll be like, she does this thing now where she's like, Oh, come on, man. She's funny. Wait till you see, you haven't seen her in ages. Wait till you see, she's like a completely different child. Yeah. That's funny.

She is funny. Very cute. Anyway, so the books are all fucked in my house and it's because of Maisie. But now we've stopped with like, we're like, you can have one book, but as soon as you rip a page... Fucking book's gone.

Matt, I have some good news. What's that? We have brought back a segment from last year called Parenting Lies. Play the music! Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lies, do do do me lies. What was this song again? Oh yeah! That's a banger. It's been a while.

It has been a while. And exciting news off the back of, for those of you who maybe have not been following us for a while, we did a kids book last year. We got some soft toys made. Oh yes. They came very late from China. The book is now pretty much like finished, but we've got like 150 soft toys. That just means we've got things to give away, yes. They came very late from China. The book is now pretty much like finished, but we've got like 150 soft toys. That just means we've got things to give away, Matt.

So if you have any parenting lies and they get read out on this podcast, we will send you. You have the choice of a Matty J or an Ash doll. We will send it to you. So telling lies to your kids may reward them by giving them a soft toy. And like the thing is, giving them one each, we're going to figure out who's the most popular. Yes. Yes.

It's like we've got a whole box of ashes here. We've got no mats left. Lola loves Ashie Bashie because he's got the red hat. Oh. Loves the red hat. Wins them over every time. Yeah. Do you want to start or would you like me to start?

Yes, I've got one here. This one is from Lauren. Hi Lauren. Hi Lauren. She says... Congratulations. She's got a soft toy. Ah, yes. Just like that. That's how it's done. That's how it works. When I was a kid, my dad told me that a cat had run away.

Very sad. That's horrible. Very sad. And she goes, I only recently found out, now that I'm in my 30s, that he accidentally ran it over in the car. Oh. So he'd been a lie that had lasted decades. Oh. A bit the dad's like, fuck, I thought I got away with that.

I used to have a bird and my nan was looking after the bird while we moved away. And she said, oh, sorry, died of like bird cancer. I should have known when she said bird cancer. I should have known that. I later on in life found out that she hit it over the head with a brick. Why?

Because it was sick. And she didn't want to suffer anymore. She's old school. She buried it in the backyard. It was, yeah, okay. But anyway, bird cancer? Fuck how dumb was I? I'm like, brick cancer.

Hey! Thank you. Okay. You're like, thank God. Yeah. She could have body slammed it. Body slammed it out. Body slammed the brick onto it?

Funny. Get at a better joke, okay? Body slammed the bird. I would have taken pile driver. I would have taken arm bar. When the bird was dead, she goes... Yeah, she was like... Doing the hand in front of the face.

For those of you who are listening. Yes, not watching. I forget that it's not a visual medium. Okay, this one's from Anonymous. Who leaves anonymous messages these days? Anonymous says, strange name, birth name, we have a toothless man living in our drain to stop the girls playing with the shower drain. Why is he toothless?

They could have gone with so many other things. They could have been like, he's got no teeth. They're like, there's a man in the drain. They're like, so it's like, he's got no teeth. It could have been like, he's, been like, he's horribly disfigured. Like anything else. He's got one eye. But terrible breath.

Ahhhhhhh! My husband told our kids. Who's this from? Oh, is this from Emma? Oh, Emma. Congratulations. You've won a Ash doll. Ash pick Maddie J.

She says, my husband told our kids, who were two and four, for those playing at home, that if they get out of bed at bedtime, Roro, who is the robot vacuum cleaner, would get them. So now when they go to bed, they have to say good night to Roro and remain in bed at all times. Roro's part of the family. I used to have an electric vacuum. We called it Nessie, because the place was messy

and Nessie would come and clean up. That's cute, that's very nice. Didn't work though, she was stuck on the couch all the time. Useless. This is from Sarah. She tells her kids that they have to close the park at midday to clean it for the afternoon visitors. Very good.

Classic. That's just a well thought out lie. Mainly, especially if you've got kids like Macy's still naps. She's otherwise she's useless and it's like trying to get them home like they got to shut the park. Yeah. We can come back after your nap. For repairs. How good would it be if you could just leave where you everything you're playing with. Go have a nap and come back and it's all clean again. That'd be great. The dream. That is the dream. We have one quick question Ash.

Okay, cool. Before we go. One quick question and also for those of you who do have any parenting questions, submit it. Throw it our way. Ash and I will give you our unprofessional opinion on it. This one is actually a personal question of mine Ash that I will ask you off the back of some recent activities. When does it become standard practice for birthday parties

to be drop and go? The food? You drop and go, you drop your kids off. Oh drop the kids off and go? You drop the kids off. Obviously you get out of the car. It's like dropping off to school. You get out of the car, you hand them over and you give them the gift and you come back in two hours and the party's finished. But they don't have to be older.

We're there. We're there. We're there at the point where we're having, we are now having drop and go birthday parties. If I, if April was like, when I have a birthday party, it's gonna be drop and go. parties. If I if April was like we're gonna have a birthday party, it's gonna be dropping out like no, I'm not looking I'm not taking care of 10 kids on my own. Well, it's not you. It's.

Yeah, but if it was me, like, Let's be honest. Let's be honest. You're not looking after anybody. I'm looking after me. Well, actually, true is out on that too. Dropping go. So, okay, so dropping with a present. Yeah. And off you go. You then. At a house with a present. Yeah. And off you go. You either in the house or like at a...

Both, dude. Both. We've had two birthday parties where it's been optional. It's been optional for you to stay as a parent. I did not know that was a thing. I wasn't sure like what are the benchmarks. Like how do people decide? Is it like at six or seven? Is that when parties become drop and go?

What is the rule here? I have no idea. Like I said, we're like... I mean, I love it. It's great. decide is it like at six or seven? Is that when parties become drop and go? What is the rule here? I have no idea. I, like I said, we're like, I mean, I love it. It's great. Drop the kid off. Yeah. I want some time off. I'll be like, keep it for an extra hour.

Don't worry about it. It's like, it's not. It's like a sleepover. It's not time. And Oscar's like, is my dad coming back? Dad, this is a bus shelter. It's like, I don't know. I feel like as the drop. No. you know, a single drop and go part that I am

aware of. Right. I don't go to the parties. April does the party thing. It's a lot of small talk. I suck at that. You're very good. No, I'm rude.

I'm not. I'm vulgar. I'm just like, Hey, how about that penis? One thing's for sure. You're not laughing at anyone else's jokes at the party. I don't. I make it. Yeah, I do. I laugh at good jokes.

Sorry. But like as I'm all for being the dropper, but being the host, I would be like, you're not going anywhere. If you drop your kids off to me, I'd be like, where the fuck do you think you're going? Get back in here, pal. If I'm in here, you're in here too. So you'll have like a 16, 17 year old birthday party for Oscar Macy and you'll be like, parents must stay supervising their kids at all times. Yeah, because we're going to have the most fun fun most likely at that age, but it like yeah No, not for me. Okay. I reckon from the age of six. I think drop-and-go parties should be

Considered yes, as long as I'm not hosting consider. Yeah, okay. I'll agree with you Um ash we have to get out of here a good time today We'll also just say that we we last week the calendars. We donated $3,514 to Rise Up. We still do have some calendars left. We have a few. We also have other things left coming out. Oh yeah. Also, we're selling a lot of things at the moment. Everything must go. Yeah. This table. You like it?

On sale. Watching the videos on socials. You can have it for yours, 200 bucks. That's cheap. We are currently wearing T-shirts. Yours is white. I might just move. Not required because people are listening right now and can't see anything.

Oh. But very considerate of you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, I'm thinking about the people, all right? Also sorry. They will become available to purchase. We don't know when exactly we will. Yeah, we want to say a week.

When this comes out, the maximum time from when this podcast comes out and the shirts will be on sale will be a week. Let's say a maximum is a week. Hopefully fingers crossed, less than that. Less than that, yeah. They're great, they're comfortable. But just follow us on social media and as soon as they're available, we will let you know we don't have that many

We've got about 50 We have a price on them. We got about a hundred. I don't know. I'm trying to like There's only two of them. I don't ask. Yeah, you've got four thousand in a warehouse. We've got four thousand calendars four thousand We've just got a warehouse with things that no one's to buy Listen to this episode. We're giving away toys, we're giving away calendars, and now we're trying to give away t-shirts. We're about to buy 50,000 Persian rugs as well. You know those like bags of rags at Budding?

It's just all To Doting Dad shirts. Follow us on social media and they will be available very shortly. Yeah, so if you've enjoyed this episode, please leave a review. Five stars, maybe some words or you can join us where, Matt? Two dotting dads on Instagram, on TikTok and there's a Facebook group as well. The Facebook group is thriving. It's lit. And thank you for everyone that does post in there and get involved and all the

nice messages that I've got over the last 24 hours. How's that feel? Feels pretty good. I feel like a hero. That's pretty usual. No, you should. It's great. Thank you.

If I haven't gotten back to you. Which is probably 99% of the messages. Sorry, I shouldn't say that. It's not because I don't want to. You got ADD. It's because I'm lazy. I'm unmotivated. You're diagnosed now.

You can use that as an excuse. I don't like abusing it as an excuse, but I will, to the bitter end. Anyway, I must go because I have an ADHD. Alright, see you guys. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal

and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.