Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #134 You've Got The Wrong Child!

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

🚨 Breaking news 🚨 Ash is shocked to find out that his son has been awarded a title that only well-behaved kids receive!  Ash also experiences a bout of PTSD after watching Oscar accept his award.  Matty J and Laura have decided to bring Lola's schooling forward and prepare her for Kindy. Mr Johnson has also been up to no good - is he in the wrong?!  We also answer your questions:  What is the correct seating arrangement for flying? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, did I tell you what happened to my mom last week? No. Was it last week when we had the episode where she told the lie about the PlayStation? Yeah, she was. Oh, yeah. Did I tell you what happened? No, not the full story. We're going on.

You know, we were like, Ellie! We didn't hear a peep from her. Yeah. I was like, where did she disappear to? And I went upstairs to get changed after you guys left. And she was like, hello? She was sitting on my bed, scared the shit out of me. I didn't think she was even here.

I was getting changed. I looked over and she was just... She was like, nice cock. Welcome back to Two Dating Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. If you come for advice, I'm very apologetic to say that it's not going to come from us.

No, not usually. Anyway, I've got some advice. No, that was last week. Hey, um, you've got a new hobby. You what? Go on. Yeah. I'm listening. Notice you've got a new hobby. Okay.

Something you enjoy doing. What's that? Just seeing what you've been up to. Drinking is not a new hobby. No, no, no, no, no. That's, yeah, that's... That's an old, that's... That's an old one. Consistent.

Yeah. Something you like to do that I've just noticed. Go on. I'm confused. A bit of celebrity spotting. Getting selfies. Can I just, yeah, can I just... You've got a few, eh? Can I just refresh your memory?

What did I do? I got, okay, I ran into like four people. Just a couple of people that you were with on the week. Oh, fuck. I don't know, guys, look, this is all a surprise to me. I just thought I was carrying on my normal life. Aaron Fincher's wife. Yep.

Andy Cooks. Owen Wright the surfer. They're all friends. There's only a few. Actually there's only half of the ones that I got. Sam Wood as well. It was a good opportunity to meet people, like-minded people. I'm just-

You hear that guy who's like, photo, quick photo. Nah, it was like they were like, can we get a photo? Can we get a photo with you? I was like, yeah, I guess so. You've got the same smile in every photo. I'm the same guy in every photo. I'm the same guy in every photo. I've been practicing. Come on, guys. I'm trying to be more likeable.

Ash was at the Formula One. OK. Who's your favorite celebrity that you met? Who's my favorite? Oh, getting to see Andy Cooks is the best. He's a good guy. He's got a stylist now. Actually, I don't know if I was meant to say that.

Sorry, Andy, if you're listening. But what I did see, I did go to the F1. I didn't get to see you. We would have got a photo like that because you're a celebrity. According to the jungle. Need to update my Wikipedia page. I did already. I mean, I didn't.

I saw. Damn it. I saw that. It was you. It was me. Yeah, it was me. It was you. It was me. Yeah, it was me. It was me.

It was me. I was like, who's done this? It was like our best friend Ash Wiggs. I was like, oh my God, he's going to let me edit it. I was like 15 beers deep when I did that too. I was like, Anne has a really handsome sized cock. And I took it all out because they would have deleted that, right? Would they?

We'll find out. We'll find out. But we went to, I did to I did go to everyone didn't get to see you unfortunately But what I did see at the airport was an Amish family first time I've ever seen one How do you know they were Amish they were dressed like proper Amish, but they're not allowed to fly That that was gonna be my next question is like are they allowed to be there? Yeah, is there like a plane? It's being pulled by a horse. Yeah It's like a pet a paddle pop stick plane Rubber bands that flip in the back

The kids are in the back flap in the wings Exactly I was just like do you know for a fact they were Amish? I looked up what Amish people look like. Did you ask him for a photo? No, otherwise you wouldn't have to Google it, I would have just shown you. I don't think we have Amish people in Australia. Wow. What a weekend.

But they were using the electronic conveyor belt for the bag and I'm like, wait a minute. My mom's coming down. Come down, Ellie. Where are you off to? Oh, you're going to the doctor's. Oh, can I come? Be quick though. No talking.

Also, good morning. Good afternoon, Ellie. Oh for God's sake. Ellie! You're right. You just can't, we'll make it work. He's not going to walk out here in the nutty shit. Are you?

Yeah. I mean, damn. Sorry about that. That was Nana coming down the stairs. Trying to get a look at my cock later on. For hiding upstairs. Hello. But they were using the electronic conveyor belt thing.

I don't think I'm actually allowed to use any type of modern. Well, do you think it was fancy dress? Maybe they got a fancy dress. Maybe like, aren't Mormons dressed a bit like that? I forgot about Mormons. Mormons? Are they Mormons? The Mormons always get forgotten about. So what's the difference?

Who knows? Who knows? How you been? Sorry. I'm good. I'm very good. Actually, I'm very good. Sorry, I've just hurt my shoulder, but it's really irritating.

But anyway, good. Oscar. Fly. So many distractions. What am I talking about again? Oscar. I've got some really good news. You're going to be excited. Oscar was elected his class student representative.

Wow! But he's in kindy. Yeah, so every class has a male and a female in the class represent their exact their classroom. So there's I think there's like 14 kids or 15 kids in the class. How long did he campaign for? He didn't. He was elected by just by his class. Do kids have any idea? I think the teacher chose.

So she chose Oscar. Yeah, apparently he's really sensible. So okay, so run me through what are the responsibilities of what's he called his president? So he's going to be part of what they call the SRC, which is the Student Representative Council. Sounds very culty. SRC.

Yeah, it's like a bikey club. It's a bikey gang, yeah. They've got patches and tattoos. Yeah, what's like the initiation? What happens? So he, April and I had to go to an assembly, a school, the first school assembly of the year, and it was to announce from all the classes.

You must have been proud as punch. Of course I was. Absolutely. I was also a bit like, you've got the wrong kid. Anyway, I haven't been to a school. I shouldn't. Sorry. I shouldn't laugh at all. No, it's funny. I get it. Everyone else is laughing about it. I am. Whatever. Anyway, he, um, they, so I haven't been to a school assembly since I was at that school myself, pretty much. The kids still sit on the floor?

They sit, yeah, they do sit on the floor. Not me. I got to sit in the seat at the back. Oh, must be nice. Special guest. So they, all the kids came in and he didn't know we were there. I've never seen him so well behaved. He's an imposter. You didn't know he was... He didn't know we were going to be there to watch him get presented. You didn't tell him? No.

Because we didn't... Wait, run me through that. Because he has to get up. They said, look. They said... Sorry, sorry. You go. If you'd let me finish the story, we would know. Sorry.

Okay. So they all came in really nicely. It was great. Really well behaved kids. And then they would present from each class. And of course, when they started to present, they were like, okay, and this person and this person. And then everyone would clap.

And of course, the principal was like, why don't we just save our claps till the end? Smart. Yeah? Smart. Yeah. Smart. But anyway, Oscar's name gets called up and he walks up and he's got up confident, straight up the stairs, shaking hands like he's been elected. And then they took this big group photo and everyone was like,

they give you the little SRC pins that go on your shirt. It's really cute. And everyone else is sitting there like this. And I wish I could show you a photo, but they're all in school uniform, not allowed to. And Oscar was just like, instead of facing the camera, he decided to go 45 degrees this way and face where he was seated.

Because he was obviously so nervous. And he like I'm just gonna stand and while they take a photo stare where I really want to be and the photos if you can picture it is everyone front on everyone front on and then Oscar's just like something's got his attention I was like April I was like April film the whole thing is great but I was like to April what's he staring at April film, the whole thing is great. But I was like to April, what's he staring at? And then I realized there's a big blank spot on the ground where he was sitting. And he was like, I just want to be back there. And then they were like, okay, now we're going to do the sung the national anthem. Does he know the words?

No. And he can't read. He's like, if you don't know the words, the words are up on the wall. And he's like, oh God. He's like, I'm just looking where I'm sitting. I'm just looking where I'm sitting. And I don't know if you remember with school assemblies when you were a kid. And if you can't read, your dad will help you sing.

And you're like, oh. No. I don't know if you remember like with school assemblies, they're all about like inclusive. Everyone's singing and a teacher gets up and sort of conducts and helps and they're all about that sort of thing. Anyway, so the music started and the national anthem started and I started to get flashbacks. And remember last time we went to a school thing there because I was like, I haven't been back here for 22 years. Very nostalgic.

Bit of PTSD. Started to get some flashbacks. Now I'm sitting there and everyone's singing the national anthem beautifully. And it reminded me of a simpler time when I was going to that school. And I specifically remember in year four, I was in class. And do you remember the Qantas ad? Yes, the choir. How does the song go?

I've been to cities and now... I was getting to that part. Yeah, but I just thought like for everything's purposes. Anyway, so remember that. Don't rush me along the song. Sorry, go again. Continue. No, you continue.

No, I don't need you. No, no, no, you don't. Anyway, I'll sing it. Sorry. Yeah. I'll sing it. Sorry. Yeah. I still call Australia. For anyone who doesn't know the song,

can't tell from my singing, we'll give you a little taste here. You're welcome. So year four. Yes. Young Ash, Spritely. Young Spritely Ash were in class and what they would do is these, the people who picked those kids for those ads would go to schools and actually... Like hand select. Hand select kids, right, which is

pretty cool. Sounds like a very P word if you know what I'm saying. Go to school. What's your job? I go to schools and I pick out the kids that I want. So fun. Is that what you're going for? Anyway, so I remember this particular day, they came to our class.

Why are you laughing? This is serious. This is serious. Anyway, so what you do is they go, okay, they explain what's happening. They obviously play the song. We all know the song. And then the whole class stands up. Belts it out.

And belts the song with the music out. And these judges do the lap around the classroom. Was this actually, they're like, the advert's already been filmed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're TV producers. Give us your best kids. Yeah, I think they want... Because it was such a successful campaign. I think they wanted to...

Continue on. Continue it on. The legacy. Yes. Very good word. The quantus legacy. The judges, let's call them. Not the pedophiles.

The judges walk around the class to hear everybody singing. And anyway, I'm... How old am I? Ten? And I'm belting this out. Like, like the chance for me. Did you know what was at stake? Did you know? I was, I could potentially be on the ad. But did you know that? Like you were told that. You told this. This is your fucking moment kids. If you want to be a star, don't stuff this up.

This is before reality TV. This is like the real Australian idol. This is like Bado. This is really the voice. Yes. But they can see you. So if you're like a pathetic looking kid, they're like... This is idol. This is idol.

This is idol. This is, this is kids idol. But a group performance. Anyway, so they're walking around there taking, you know, little notes, like a who's who and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They get by my section of the room. Anyway, I remember they circled and circled back and I was like, oh, this is pretty good. They've come for a double take.

They've come for a double take. I must be pretty good. And then one of them leans up and I remember it because this is why I got PTSD. One of them leans over to the other one and was like, don't bother going over there. But he didn't think that I could hear him. No! Wouldn't fucking waste your time in that back corner. Oh my God. That little kid's no good.

That's exactly what happened. And it was like, I remember I was. You're trying so hard. I was traumatized. I was, and I had forgotten about this memory. I have suppressed this memory so much so that it only came back to me when everyone was in this school was singing the national anthem and I was like holy shit and I was like I ever looked to me she's like are you okay I'm like no I'm

not okay like I remember just crying my eyes out. Oh no! As a kid. I don't think anyone from my class got picked. So I was thankful. Because if like someone like next to me got picked, I would have been like, they sounded bad, not me. But I know now that I... You're a very good...

Can I just say? Thank you. For the record, you're a very good singer. Now very good is a stretch. Thank you for trying to make me feel better. I said to April, I was like... I can't be here anymore. Literally I was like can we go? And she was like no. I was like I gotta go. I was sweating. I was like oh my god. Anyway so we eventually like went outside and Oscar came out we got a photo. It was like

it's cuz it's not about me. It's about him and he did really well and then yeah booked in a therapy appointment for Monday. How was he when you saw him? Oh, he was pumped. His dad was crying, but for different reasons. Shaking in the corner. I know, trying to tell April that story the other day. Like the full story. She was like, oh my God.

Isn't it weird the things that happen as a kid that just become the core memories? That you suppress. Suppress, suppress, suppress. It was like when I really liked this girl and we were playing sports and we head butted at each other. And I remembered it like 20 years later and I was like, Oh my God, I'm so embarrassing. Very embarrassing.

That is embarrassing. What's her name? Becky. Sorry, Becky. Did you not want to tell Oscar that you were going to be there because he might be name? Becky. Sorry, Becky. Yeah. Did you not want to tell Oscar that you were going to be there because he might be nervous? Yes.

It's like swimming lessons, for example, I have to like pretend like I'm leaving because if I'm in the room, then they won't go in the water because they want to be with me. Yeah. Like it was my, I just didn't, we didn't want to put any more pressure on you. Yeah.

And but- I get very good parenting. It didn't last very long because bloody Lenny. Because you were crying. And Lenny spotted me immediately. Fuck off Lenny. He was looking for his parents and I was like they're not here. Because they didn't really understand but then like Oscar. They're not here. They're not here. They're not here all this time. Thank you. Maybe next time they'll be here But yeah, he's a representative for the whole year. Wow. Wow. This is like, this is a taste of what's going to happen in the future.

Future Prime Minister. Very proud. Proud Dad. I also had a moment where I was very proud parent, Ash. Go on. I'm listening. Okay. A bunch of proud parents over here, aren't we? Just, I'm just bursting with pride at the moment. I can see. Is that what that is?

It's seeping out of me. Very similar to when you're angry, so what to expect? No, so we, like we've had, we've had an ordeal with Lola. An ordeal? Well, you know, just the backstory for those who haven't been following, decided to move daycares for Lola. She's at the new daycare, which is a great daycare.

Okay, very good daycare. And then I sold the dream, okay. I sold the dream that she was going to that daycare because her cousin was in the same class. Shaz. Shaz Magaz. What up, Shaz? Shaz Magaz, one of the best.

After a lot, this is like when I'm in the jungle, I kind of realized they have different groups depending on the age. Oh. So now Lola. They eat colored groups? Is in the three to four. It's animal names. Oh.

Animal names, yeah. We've got colors. What color are you guys? I think Macy's blue room right now. The next Tuesday's in green room. Right. We're in the Wallabies room. That sounds exciting.

It's fucking exciting. What color are you guys? I think Macy's blue room right now. The next Tuesday's in green room. Right. We're in the wallabies room. Sounds exciting. Yeah. It's fucking boring. I walk out of the blue room and you're over here going, we've got wallabies and koalas. For any non-parent must be listening going, what the fuck are these guys going?

God, get a life. I'm trying. What are you thinking? How can I get a life? I've got to look after like four other lives. So, in the wrong age group, because the plan was Ash, that Lola wasn't gonna go to school next year,

we're gonna keep her. But she's a fed baby, right? She's a fucking fed baby. This is the most stressful part of parenting, is what to do about school. When does school start? You should have thought it out that before you conceived. I know, I know. Feb births.

Yeah. It's like on the cusp. What do you do? What do you do? And also it's so hard because how she is right now, I don't know how much she'll change in 12 months time. Yeah, very true. She may stay the same. She might be the same. She might be exactly the same. Well, she might be a genius.

She might be like playing Beethoven on piano. You just don't know. That's the whole thing about Beethoven. You don't know what they're gonna be like. But you have to make the decision now. Right now, they're like, what do you wanna do? And I'm like, I don't know, can I just decide tomorrow? And they're like-

You're under a hot light. What do you wanna do? I'm like, fuck! It's really hard. So, also even harder to make the decision because she's struggling. She hates it there. She's not her best self.

She's not. So we made the decision Ash, to send Lola to school slash Kindy next year. I think it's the right call. Okay. I think it's the right call because Marley, Marley's mid-year, so that's confusing in its own. You could go either way. But I think, what should be five next year?

It should be five next year. It should be five. And she's not a small five-year-old, she's not a small black head. What are you trying to say? She's the 98th percentile for a head, so yeah, I know she's big, right? Yeah, I was just pointing that out.

Yeah, thank you. But big head, big brain. There you go, see how I recovered there? Very good. Thank you. Very good. But I think she's ready, I think she's way more, she's pretty reckless, but I think she's more... Fair. Yeah. Whenever you say someone did something, I know exactly who it is because it's Lola. You're like, what's that burn on your arm? And I'm like, who do you think did it? But

she's also very clever. She knows how to gaslight people. She's going to be fine. Thank you. I think, I think it's the right call. What's the call on the rest of this year though? Because she's also very clever. She knows how to gaslight people. She's gonna be fine. Thank you. I think it's the right call. What's the call on the rest of this year though? Cause she- So luckily, luckily I kind of said to the daycare director, I was like, can you squeeze her up into the top class? Cause they have a class that's specific

for transitioning to preschool slash kindy. How did you ask though? Did you email? Did you get down there with a little button up shirt? Have you undo an extra button? Laura sent the email. Laura sent the email and then I did the follow up face to face. The flirt. We hit it with both parents.

Two prong. I call that the two pronger. Yeah, the two prong, email, face to face. But you went button up shirt, button down. I was naked. Oh good. She's like, oh nice abs. She you went button up shirt button down. I was naked. Oh good. She's like oh nice Av. She's gone straight up. So we got her in there. A little bit tricky so far. Rules Ash for that class is rules. You cannot. But that's gonna be good for her. It's important. Boundaries.

Excited. Boundaries. You can't bring coloring in books, pencils, can't bring toys, as we know from the other week, there's a lot that you can't do. So Lola was very excited. We're one day in and she's already like, what the fuck is this? Where have you sent me? What is this hellhole? It's like, put her in the hole. So she's been what, one day now or two days? What's going on?

This is the second day. Okay. So how did the first day overall? How did the first get like the drop? It was a better. She was excited. We sold it in. You got to like, you got to sell it in as a dream. You're like, this is a great thing. You're so lucky to be in the top group. You've got to sell it like you're a desperate real estate agent. Yeah. Gill from the Zimzaloo. Do you know how many people have tried to get into that classroom?

And we finally got you as fuck. Unheard of. How do we do it? I don't know. And this kindergarten's north facing. Think about the sea breeze. It's gonna be great. It's got great bones. So much potential. An investor's dream roller.

She's like, what the fuck are you talking about? There's room for a granny plant out the back. She's like, are you? He's like, what? fuck are you talking about? There's room for a granny flat out the back. She's like, are you? He's like, what? What am I doing? Yeah. So, yeah, so far it's, it's hard. It's very hard.

Very hard at the moment. Also, poor little Lola. She's been moved daycares, had like two months in one room, yanked her out, put her in another room. And I'm like, you're in here now. She's like a Navy kid. They get moved from station to station. Oh, God. She'll settle.

Will she? Nah, probably not. But also, just going to say, I'm going to say it, OK? I'm just going to say it. Save a lot of money by not going to daycare. Oh, no shit. No shit. Like, it's an up there in a top five complaint for parents because

it's not cheap and you're like this is the thing I find that the daycare is cat is You need to do it so you can go to work, but it takes up all your money that you're going away It's so counterproductive. It's stupid. Do you know who does it well? Just going to go a little tangent here. Just very, very quickly. I'm with you. I'm riding it. You know. I'll ride this tangent horse with you into the dark.

The French have done a lot of things right. Okay. Macqueil Macron. What? Is that how you pronounce it? Macqueil Macron. That's it. There you go. Did it.

Who's he? He's the Prime Minister, isn't he? Who am I thinking of? Whatever. Escargot, champagne. Stupid frog. No. It's snails. Baby frogs.

All of the daycares in France. France? They're all subsidized. It's cheap as. Subsidized? It's cheap as. It's like 20 euros a day. What? I made that up. It's cheap as. Substitutes. It's cheap as. It's like 20 euros a day. What? I made that up.

It's cheap. A friend of mine, I lived in London for four years. Shut up. He now, he's moved to France because it's cheaper. But there's a language barrier. He doesn't speak French, but his kids speak French. They're not your kids, dude. What?

Yeah, I'm just saying, we don't need to pull the trigger, but we should consider moving to France. I'm in. Ash. Yep. Quick question. I just need your thoughts on a matter. Another matter.

Another matter. Okay. Am I a bad person? Yes. Sorry. Go on. We talked about the F1. You were there. I was there.

Meeting the finest celebrities this country has to offer. I went to the F1, had to go there, had to fly solo initially. Yeah. Question, my initial flight was on a Sunday. Yep. Okay. My flight was on a Sunday.

I had told Laura the flight was at 3 p.m. Okay. So I had to leave. On a Sunday afternoon. Sunday afternoon. Traffic's really bad as well on a Sunday. We all know that. So I had to leave at like 12.30.

Okay. To get to the airport. You are a dad. I am a dad. When in reality, my flight was booked for five. Okay. I brought the time forward a couple hours because I just wanted to have a little bit of time at the airport by myself.

I feel you. We're there. Lots of food options. They sell beer there. It was lovely. Yeah. And obviously people might be thinking, why don't you just crying in the jungle because you got reunited with your family because you missed them so much?

Yes, I was. Yeah. Yes, I was. But that was weeks ago. It's all about balance. I needed a break. And so I was at the airport for a few hours. Yeah.

Just by myself. Oh, that's lovely, isn't it? You're not a bad person. Laura doesn't know that. And she doesn't listen to this podcast, so she won't know. Yeah. I want to say that's a parenting hack.

I'm gonna tell her. Fuck you. Alan, I look guilty. I've done this. What have you got? So I went to the F1. Yes. I had a flight on Saturday afternoon.

I did tell April it was at two o'clock. What was the actual time? 3.30. But. Go on. I was like, okay, I told her a time that I was going to leave. I can't remember what time. I was like, I better go at this time.

It's much further for me to go to the airport. She's like, Ash, F1's not till next week. And you're like, see ya. Gotta go. And then I think I was maybe half an hour from the time I was gonna have to leave. I pulled another Swifty and said, I best go, the traffic's really bad. Kids are a bit difficult.

We're gonna get canceled for this, I can feel it. Are we the only ones doing it? It feels good. It feels good to get it out. It feels good. Up until now, I've been living this life of sin. It feels good to get it out though, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. And then I got to the airport.

I had something to eat. Another lie. What have you done? I had something to eat. I had something to drink. And then I went on my way. But on the way back, my flight was delayed. Well, okay.

You told me it was delayed by like two hours. You messaged at like midnight, and you're like, I finally got home. Yeah. Were you just sitting in the driveway in the car? No. It wasn't. The flight was delayed.

Okay. That's not the lie. How long was it delayed for? Two hours? Was it? Was it really? Yeah. It was after I popped the tire on the front of it. It was two hours, but I rang April.

I said, look, the flight is delayed. The lie on this end is that I was upset about it. How did you sell it? is that I was upset about it. How did you sell it? I was like, can you fucking believe this? And then I doubled down on it by saying, it's going to ruin me for the traffic on the way home Anyway, I was like, what do you think was that beer in hand? No, this is on the way home Okay, the last thing I wanted was a fucking beer. I tell you that much. I was like

The two hours to sit, watch TV on my phone pretty much. Or I could have flown home and then done the school pickup, spent the afternoon wrangling some kids that haven't slept and whatever. So I look, it was annoying, but not for me. And speaking of lies. I feel good. Speaking of lies. I feel great about this now. We're not the only people lying in this world Ash. April's gonna be upset. There is plenty... it's fine, it's fine. She won't listen, will she? But there's plenty of lies being told not just by us but by the parents because it's time for... Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

Tell me, tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies. Alright, I'll go first, of course. This is from Steph, and congratulations, Steph, you have won yourself the choice of either a Maddie J doll or a much more handsome Ash doll that will be sent to you by our producer, Jess. So, I'm going to read the lie out now. Please.

Okay. Steph says, I always tell my girls that this is the season final of Bluey. For what reason? So she can change the fucking channel obviously. Like I get like short episodes. Do you know what I saw the other day actually just on Bluey really short? They have mini episodes. They're already seven minutes. What are they? Just like blink and you'll miss it.

TikTok is ruining the attention span of people in this country. They're like, we're going to watch Bluey. Don't blink because you'll miss it. This one is from Amy and this is a line that she tells her kids, your eyes turn purple when you tell a lie. so her daughter closes her eyes every time she's talking to her and telling a lie very good there there's so many variations of that where it's like you like obviously get your nose gets bigger or whatever like Pinocchio yeah or a dot on your forehead or a dot or like whatever but that one's good because they close their eyes are so

obvious idiots idiots kids are stupid, this one's from Nina. Nina says, this is a good one, the chocolate at the checkout is actually rat poison. I can't really pull that one because I'm the worst at the checkout chocolate. Because you're eating it. Yeah, Oscar's like, what are you getting? You're gonna die. You're like, it's worth it. Worth it. This one is from Alyssa. You aren't allowed to turn six until you learn how to wipe your own bum. It's a worldwide rule. Worldwide, wide, wide.

That's good too. I think- Can I just say one thing that may blow your mind? Go on. The age that you turn, it's the end of the year. That's good too. I think... Can I just say one thing that may blow your mind? The age that you turn, it's the end of the year. So when you turn one, you're finishing that age. Yeah, because you turned two. You're starting two.

No, no, no. Because if you're... You turn one, you turn one on your birthday, you've just completed that age. You've completed one. So when you turn two... You've completed one. So when you turn two, you've completed two. You've already completed two. Because, but you,

So the age, your age is the age that you've completed, not the age that you're turning. Yeah, but we talk about it like this. We say one and a half, right? Not two months pre two. So really you're completing one, right? That's what I just said. When you turn two. When you pre two. So really you're completing one, right? That's what I just said. When you turn two.

When you turn two. No, because then you wouldn't be two and a half, two and three months. You're still in two, you haven't completed two if the number two's still there. But then, think about it, right? Think about it. When you're born, right, you're born.

Zero. Yeah. Yeah. But then you turn one, you turn one, you've already done a year. You completed zero, but you haven't. You've done nine months. OK, moving on. I think I've got you. Is this a win for me, Jess?

No, she's shaking her head. The other week we talked about the bedtime routine of Lola. It's a little bit different, a little bit unique. Many steps involved. Parents have reached out on our Instagram account. I mean, okay. So the parents have reached out via our Instagram account with some of the behaviors of their own children

when it comes to bedtime. And that Instagram account is what? At two doting dads. We will read out some of the bedtime routines from the other parents listening to this podcast. This one is Sam, Ash, and she says her oldest will sleep on the floor while the youngest winds down. Both beds are in the same room.

How's that? The oldest will sleep on the floor. Like doesn't go for his bed. I'm guessing it's a he because it sounds like a boy problem. Well, the other one winds down. Yeah. Or in bed. Yeah.

Okay, wait. Just anywhere on the floor? I don't know, Ash. Sam, if you're listening to this, please give us more information. I don't know where on the floor. Okay. All right. But weird.

Either way. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sam. Kids are weird. We can say that about our own kids. We can't say that about the listeners kids. Okay. Okay. Kids are weird. What's it? We can say that about our own kids. We can't say that about the listener's kids. Okay. That's great.

Your kid's not weird. Sorry Gus. Okay, this one's from Ashley. We have to go outside to see the mo- It's an excuse to use his little mower for sure. Oh, that's a good one. This is from Millie. Hi Millie.

She has five songs that they have to play in a certain order or they'll get yelled at. Having a kid is like having a really bad boss. All right, this one's from Emma. My daughter violently shakes her head from side to side until she falls asleep. She's done this since she was a newborn. You have a friend who they're trying to help. Did they get tested? No, but she got kicked out of dance class. There's something going on there.

I know you have lots to look forward to. Mel, I have long acrylic nails. I have to do scratchies on his back until he's comatose. He's going to grow into a weird kink. That's true. That's not even a joke. That's a concern. Love a good scratchy.

Exhibit A. Ellie's like, I used to do that when you were a kid. Now look at you. You freak. Ellie's like, I used to do that when you were a kid. Now look at you. You freak. Sometimes there's been a moment where I've been sitting on the couch and my mom has been like, do you want a little scratchy?

And I'm like, yes, please. You what? You an buster. And Laura's come in and I'm like getting my hair tickled by my mom as I'm a 37 year old man on the couch. In a HJ. What's a head? A head job. Jonah says 37 year old man on the couch. And a HJ. What's a HJ? A head job.

John says three year old gets two, these are ridiculous. Gets two sleep token songs to headbang to before bed as the time of his life. We're our own worst enemy. I know we let him get away with this shit. And his parents were like, why won't they sleep? Question for you, Ash.

This is off the back of taking some flights with the family. Also off the back of something I saw on TikTok. An Amish family on an airplane. What is the right seating configuration for a family of four on a domestic flight? Domestic flight. So we're talking... Three and three. Okay, so just a family of four on a domestic flight. Domestic flight. So we're talking. Three and three.

Okay, so just a run of them. Not a Rex, and it's like two and two. No, ugh. Sorry. They have gone to liquidation, so ugh. Here's the right word. Mom, two parents, two kids. Two parents, two kids.

And let's say the kids are aged between like two and six. So they have their own seats. Because pre-two, they don't get a seat. Correct. That's pretty straightforward. Yeah. What is the right answer here, Ash? The right answer is...

How do you and April fly? The window seat is the child. Window seat, yep. The middle seat is another child. That's two children. Yep. There's two children. Yeah. There's basic maths. Yeah.

The third seat is one parent. Yeah, I'm not liking this, but go on. And then there's a fourth seat, which is across the aisle is the other parent. What? Is that wrong? What are you? Oh, do you need me to draw it?

No, I get it. It's wrong. Okay. It's wrong. Is it? Go. Okay. Go.

The way I fly, Ash, the way I fly. Seems to be a lot. This is the best way. Okay. You go window, child. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. That's what I said. Next one across, middle seat, child. Yeah. Yeah. OK. OK.

That's what I said. Next one across, middle seat, is the parent. OK. Now, either in front or behind, you follow that same configuration. Child parent. Child parent. OK.

OK. And so you're on the same side. It's evenly distributed. But then there's a stranger. That's fine. That's totally fine. Is it fine? I don't want my kids sitting near strangers. That's why you're in the middle. You're in the middle. Your kid is in the window.

You're protecting the child, Ash. But it means that, you know, if you need any snacks. What if he's bigger than me? Any coloring in pencils, any toys, you can just pass it in front. Okay. I get it. I'm not going to look. I'm not.

This is where we're different. I'm not going to shut you down like you shut me down. But who? I'm going to be the best. I'm going to be the best. I'm going to be the best. I'm going to be the best. I'm going to be the best.

I'm going to be the best. I'm going to be the best. I'm going to be the best. I'm going to be the best. I'm not, look, I'm not, this is where we're different. I'm not gonna shut you down like you shut me down. But who, who is- I'm gonna be like, that works. I like it. Who is the parent, who is the parent that gets this in the eye by themselves?

They're the utility. Now hear me out. They're the utility parent. What's that mean? They carry the bags on. They get anything the kids need from the overhead locker without inconveniencing the kid at the time. All right.

Both parents are on the outside. Okay. So they can go, right, toilet, take a child to the toilet while the utility parent slides over in the meantime. Midway through the flight, after a meal perhaps, there's a switch. The other parent becomes a utility parent. Do you know who the utility parent should be? The strongest.

Do you know why? So that they can get the things up and down from the big thing at the top. Cause when you travel with kids, let me finish. And then you get off the plane, the strong parent carries all the shit off the plane, while the other parent. So let's just get this straight.

You don't think April is strong enough to reach up above her head... She's plenty strong, my guy. ...to get something out of the overhead lockup. She's plenty strong. Is that what you're saying? But in this instance... Is that what you're saying? She's not tall enough.

Don't you high shame her. I'm not high shaming her. She can't control that. What do you mean? She's like 5'7". She's like 5'4". Stumpy little arms. Stumpy little really strong arms. I just think... Okay. Stumpy little arms. Stumpy little really strong arms.

I just think, okay, you if we're, here's another thing too. If we go in your configuration and the stranger's in the aisle, anytime that kid needs to move or get out or someone needs to get something from the other head, a stranger is inconvenienced. Dude, we have a bag that's small enough to have at your feet. Well, must be nice. It is. And, and we always do a wee before we go on the plane. Yeah. Get rid of the surprise wee. It's an hour flight. Surprise wee. What if a surprise UTI pops up? Surprise. Let's, okay. If you're a parent and you're listening, you have an opinion, I want to hear it.

Is Ash right or am I right? Matt's not right. Who's right? Next question. I don't know. I'm too fired up. This one's from Darcy. Would you rather A. Kids be the dream all day and then a nightmare bedtime routine or

B. Kids be a nightmare all day but go to sleep instantly. Can we define instantly? Are we talking like night? Let's go with that. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'll define. I think the dream would be like a spot book. Like that length of book. Just a quick little express book. Ours have no flaps. No. I don't think anyone does have flaps. They just get ripped off by a small redheaded child that lives in my house. If you are a parent of a young child that hasn't ripped off the flaps of a spot book, I'd be concerned.

I would enroll that kid into a really, really prestigious school because they've got their shit together already. Yeah, that's unheard of. Unheard of. I will go with... Oh, it's a tough one. I don't think you should have to choose. I think at the moment, I've kind of got the kids being a nightmare all day and I got the nightmare routine. Yeah.

I would say... Do you know what? Do you know what? I would rather... you know what? Do you know what? I would rather, I can do, I have the patience to deal with a nightmare child during the day. Okay. When I get to the end of the day, you know, I'm out of energy. I'm exhausted to have them eat their dinner without having to yell at them without them

getting off the seat every two seconds. They eat their own dinner. They don't argue when they go on the bath. They don't argue when they go in the bath. They don't argue when they go to bed. That's good. That's bliss. That is good. That's bliss. Yeah. I'll just go to the airport a little bit earlier. Can I just quickly say, sorry, this took about four hours to record.

I actually want to say something else and I just do want to say something. Yeah. I want to just give a quick little shout out to two people really quickly that I'm calling Doting Dad Superfans. And I didn't know this. Two of April's friends by the name of Ali and Tanya, they listen to every episode. They like and comment and share on every video pretty much between the two of them. When you were in the jungle, Ali voted more than 20 to 30 times every day. So I just want to shout out to them and say thank you.

Are they friends of April? Yeah, they're like best friends. And I didn't know this until yesterday and April was like, yeah, you know that they listen to every episode. They like and share all the videos. I was like, no way. Bloody legends. So I said that I would say.

Thank you. Thank you, we love you. Ali and Tanya. Ali and Tanya, don't get that wrong. Same thing. Ah. So thank you. We appreciate the support.

And if you want to support us, you can do that by subscribing, giving us a review, writing a few comments on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Send us some money. No way, what? Follow comments on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Send us some money. No way. Follow us on social media. Yes.

TikTok, Instagram and Facebook. Two dirty dads. Okay, so t-shirts are going to be live when? Now. They're live now. Right now. Shut up. I'm going to get one.

There's only a couple left. There is. We only got limited numbers. We're currently sitting with two shipping containers in our backyards. It's right next to the calendars. Grab them on the website www.tododingdads.com. Very well said. I don't know what accent that was. Very well said.

And we'll see you guys next week. Thank you. Bye. I've been to cities that never closed down, from New York to Rio and old London town, or how wide I roam. I still call Australia home.