Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #135 Getting Caught With Your Pants Down

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

Ash has found himself in a compromising position after dropping the kids off at school. Will he ever recover?  Let's face it, probably not.  Over at the Johnson household, Lola has given up her dummy addiction...or has she?! You can never be too sure with that kid.  We also answer your questions:  Best TV shows that don't drive you insane!  BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Just let me finish my popper. How is your popper, by the way? Very apple-y. We are not at my house. Oh, yes we are. We have moved. We're in the basement. We could put this in the basement,

something like this in the basement of your house, I reckon. I could put it in the garage. Oh, must be nice. Just put it in one of the guest's bedrooms. Don't fucking bait me. I've baited you. Don't bait me. You could put it in the basement. I'm like maybe and you're like you're fucking rich prick.

We're gonna put it in one of your 15 bedrooms. It's nice. We've got proper cameras. We've got lights. We've got free poppers. Should we do this moving forward? Do you think we'll lose the charm? No, I like the...

All we need now is to just do some food eating ASMR to really... No, I've got half a chicken wrap that I might start eating. Welcome back to Two Doting Guides. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad.

And it is the relatable. And if you've come for advice, stop. Stop pull the handbrake up. Don't do it. Pull it right up. I don't want to put any pressure on us, Ash. Don't want to put any pressure on us. Yeah, I don't want to either.

But, but I don't know what we did last week. I don't know what happened. It was a fucking mess of an episode. It was like the... They're the best ones. We had like the buster, the dog was making noise, Ellie came through halfway. Limpin' down the stairs. Dental appointment.

Why was she limping if she had a sore tooth? Oh no, yeah, well she had something wrong with it. I can't keep up anymore. She definitely had no shoes on. Yeah, poor thing. Shuffling. Shuffling down the stairs. Can I come out of the bedroom?

It's like shut up! Get back in the wardrobe! But people liked the episode. Yeah, someone put a comment that was like Ash, 10 out of 10. Which is... It's very arrogant of you. But then they also said when I said to Jet, I think I won that one. I think it was up to you.

It's because you had the airplane seating plan that people sided with. And also you did the sob story of like, oh, I was like... You sound very jealous. I was abused by the people who were doing the choir auditions for Qantas. Yes, I wasn't abused. You made it sound like you were. Okay. So you want people ever. So I don't know what we've done. We're gonna try and. I'm not putting

pressure on us because it was chaos. It was chaos and. But for those of you who want it to be the same as last week. I'm not gonna happen. I've got a question for you. Have you ever... No you go. No, this is awkward. I'll go something really quick. Okay, go, go, go. Really quick. Really, really quick.

Sorry. I was doing a wee just before. No, you go. I was doing a wee before and it reminded me of a conversation that we had because I do wee's by putting my penis above... Oh yes! Above... I do wheeze by putting my penis above. Oh yes! Above. I don't use a fly zipper.

I just kind of like pull my pants down and then put my willy over the jeans. It must be huge! And you think that's weird. I do. I look with elastic pants fully on board, but you're wearing jeans. I'm wearing jeans today. With belt. With a belt.

Over the belt. I like it. I bet you do. I like uh... I'm a fly guy. But I said at least we're not like my old boy who puts it below the bottom of the trousers. Like the bottom of the, so like for example you got shirt, obviously you can't work your pants because you'd have to roll those all the way up. But like, with what I'm wearing I can get it out? Nice. He'd go out the side of the leg of the short. At a urinal?

Yeah. Or as a bushwee. No, urinal, there's no limitations to it. I think that's such- That's fucking pretty rogue. It's such an old boy thing to do. Yeah, it's pretty grubby. It's like, do you know where I reckon it comes from?

Like the generation of ruggers. You know, the rugger generation. Of the short, yeah. Yeah, yeah, like the lowes ruggers. You know the rugger generation. Yeah yeah like the the lowest ruggers. I just find it's quicker it's easier to go over the pants than through the zipper. Yeah because we're talking about because I got my old fella stuck in the zip. The way you're doing it's high risk. That wig was a bad wig for my penis. Tell you right now. Because I did that and then

it would rub up against whatever I was wearing. Sorry Jess. did that and then it would rub up against whatever I was wearing. Oh, sorry, Jess. Okay, Jess is sitting right there. What was your question? I wanted to ask you, have you ever assumed someone is the grandparent, but they're actually the parent? I did have. Yeah, I had someone recently. I was watching them.

Was that the airport? Okay. But have you spoke, have you done it to them, to their face? Or you just assumed? No, no, no. In my head. This is where you and I are built very different. I was eyeing off a family.

Okay, that sounds real stalkerish. It was at the airport. It was in, I was looking in through the window. In the car park. At night time. Had a trench coat on. And I looked and I thought, you know, it's hard to, I look at age groups that I struggle with are newborn to two years.

Okay. It's hard to decipher. Sometimes I'll throw a number out there and I'm like, what is he? Six months? And they're like, he's two. I'll throw a number out there and I'm like, what is he? Six months? And they're like, he's two. I think it's a man thing.

Cause I did it with April when she used to work in daycare and long before I had kids, I'd be like, April would be like, how old's that kid? I'm like, I don't know, like eight. She's like, he's like four. I was like, oh, I don't know. It's impossible to read. I know. It's hard.

And then- Show us your pubes. Oh wait. And then I think from the age of, I'm going to say 35 to 50. That's fair. That to me, it's a bit... It's so fair. It's hard to decipher.

I think with, especially with men, I think it's harder with men because like, they could be grey and 30. That's not a dig at you. But you know what I mean? Like you could be, like I've got friends that are bald. How old are they? 18. No, they're like 30 in their, like my age.

Yeah. Because my dad was bald at my age. Actually now I think about it, but he used to peroxide his hair every day. Then he had a heart attack. That'll fast track it. You're not far off. I'm not far off? Why did you, you had a scenario.

I had a scenario. So I have Macy's on Thursdays and we went to. Such a good dad. Such a good dad. Thank you for saying that. I really needed that today. Can I just really quickly, just really quickly. Do you ever have to say to people when you're like,

oh I've got Macy on Thursdays. Do you have to say like, but me and my wife aren't divorced. Like it's not like... No, I just let them think whatever they want to think. Because whenever I say Thursdays, we're the same. I have the kids on... I have Lola on Thursdays. Yes, that's a good dad.

I see why you're there. But when I tell other people, I'm like, I have her on Thursdays because she's not in daycare. And my wife and I are still together. Nah, I just let them just imagine whatever they want. Okay. Especially when it's women. I'm like, no, I don't.

I'm not a singer. Take that out. Sorry, Abril. Take that out. No, I always say, yeah, it's Macy and Daddy Day today. Yeah. So who'd you see? Where were you?

We went to the... Went to the shops. I can't remember what we're getting. That's not... That's not... Usually I'm pretty good like that, I remember. So who'd you see? Where were you? We went to the… We went to the shops. I can't remember what we're getting. That's not… Usually I'm pretty good like that, I remember. But I don't remember. But there's a little play. It's sort of like a really small one.

You take your shoes off, padded. Just like a small little indoor playground, as you would find it. Yeah, and you like feats. You'd love it there. I don't like kids' feet. It's like old man feet. Wrinkly. Talking about the parents. Oh. Parents have to de-… No. You don't like kids' feet. It's like old man feet. Wrinkly. Talking about the parents.

Oh. Do parents have to de- No. You don't de-robe as a parent. You don't de-robe to get a go. I'm just going to go de-robe and play in this playground. And I was like sitting there and you know how awkward that small talk is? Where you're like, there's one other kid there playing, there's one other parent and you're like, there's one other kid they're playing, there's

one other parent and you're like, how old? Or you do the whole dance around the motions of like name maybe, age. I have Macy on Thursdays. I'm like, oh, do you have so and so on Thursdays too? Like, okay, so like, and assumed that they were the grandparent. How old at this point did you think they were? I thought they were 60s. Okay. Which is really bad for me. How old were they, do you know?

I didn't want to ask after I assumed them already were the grandparent. So how did you suggest, or did you just blatantly say, are you the grandparent? Yeah. First I sort of suggested. Why would you ask that? Because they were older. And I know it wasn't straight into that. It was like I said something along the lines of, oh, I was like, oh, it's nice that you have them

once, you know, one day a week. And I was sort of like weird sort of small talk about where the parents are on a third, or do they go to the kindergarten? And then I was like, oh, so you're the grandparent. And she was like, no. Oh my God. Yeah. Thankfully. She was like, no, no, no, no, no, she's mine.

And I was like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like I didn't. And then I was like, oh, I may see you better go. And I like dragged her out and it ruined my whole day. Cause I wasn't the way to make it about you. I knew I couldn't sleep that night. I couldn't sleep. I felt horrible about it.

It was just like two weeks ago and I still think about it every time I go to sleep. Imagine this poor parent being tired, exhausted. They just want to get out of the house. They go to the playground. They're sitting there and then you go, so you're pretty old. You're in a retirement village. You're a grandparent, obviously. She's like, no, I'm 30.

Yeah. And then I was like, oh, anyway, cute kid. Call Macy, let's go. Drag her out. She's like, no, I'm 30. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, anyway, cute kid. Come, Acie. Let's go. Just drag her out. She's like, what do you mean? I felt horrible. I just, you know when you walk away from any situation and you're like,

oh, fuck. And I just felt horrible. So you've never done that? No. Okay. Has anyone done that? No. Am I the only one?

Oh, no. I don't think I'm trying to think if there's a scenario where I've been like, oh, you're pregnant. But I don't think I don't think what have you done? We should probably stop you right now. We should stop me right now. Because people are going to start complaining about me. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's do that. Yeah. Have you ever killed a kitten? Yeah, actually. Yeah. I can bet you have. No, I haven't. Definitely not. I'm an animal lover. Anyway, I felt horrible about it

But I wanted to ask if you don't try much. No, I wish I could make you feel better Yeah, but it's the fact that you have acknowledged you made a mistake. I think is great. I have Another announcement to make about Lola Go on We mentioned last weekend that she is starting school. Yes. Now one thing that she hasn't gotten rid of, which is like the remnants of...

The poppers are good here, aren't they? We should take what's left of them. Oh, yeah. So one thing that she has held on to, the remnants of being a toddler, is her dummy. Oh, yes. Loves her dummy and got really bad at one point. She was having like six dummies to bed.

She had like a family of a cluster of dummies. She was holding them in the bed. I recall. When we went away on trips. Say it. Must be nice. Yep. Thank you. And it was a nightmare because sometimes she wanted one particular dummy and of the six

dummies that we brought, we missed the one that she wanted and she wouldn't sleep, she'd have a tantrum. That's your fault for having so many dummies. I 100% agree. Okay, cool. Just get all the same color. Yes. Anyway, sorry.

Yes. Actually, that's such a good point. Any families out there who have a child who is obsessed with dummies, just buy the one brand, the one make, the one model, the one color. Is that advice I hear? Yeah. Okay, well. Yeah, if I-

That's not gonna harm anyone. No, that's like- That's unharmful. That's unharmful because I made- Just put it in their mouth though. Because it all, yeah, also we had like good dummies and then she had a taste taste there wasn't any other dummy other than like a three month old dummy, like the miniature dummy.

And then she kind of started liking the small dummies like the more petite dummy Tete. Another one, yeah. And so then all the big dummies that she had, which there was 20 of, she then hated like it was… It was a nightmare. And I will say, me and Laura, that's on us. Too many options. That's our mistake. That's fine.

We did at one point try and remove the dummy. We thought, I think it was like last year. Could have been... I remember. I remember. Was it last year? Yeah. And you did it for like a week.

We got to a week. And we tried to make it a bit of a thing. Like we, I think in hindsight... The dummy fairy. The dummy fairy. We didn't, I don't think we gave her enough notice. But I also remember when we kind of said to her like, hey, in a couple of days, the dummy fairy is coming.

She was like, robable. She was like, fuck that. Absolutely not. I'm not ready. And we were like, no. I don't know how we decided the date. It was just like... I think we also did it on like a Monday as well,

which is just like the start of your work week. It was all... It was a nightmare. I remember it was a nightmare. Screaming, you know, just hours every night. It was painful. Because she's not a thumb sucker, is she? Doesn't know how to suck a thumb.

That's Marley was doing the thumb thing. Yeah, she's a thumb sucker. And then after almost a week, we gave up. I recall. Right. So. You tried again. Tried again.

We gave her lots of notice. Telling her for a while that this is coming. It's her last birthday. Literally. When you're four. We've been planting the seed and then we gave her like, we had written down like we have 10 more sleeps. 10 more sleeps with a dummy and she kind of was on board.

She's matured a lot in the last. She was humoring you. No, she was like. Oh, she wanted to do it. She was kind of like, OK, like, I get it. Yeah. Did I do doesn't it change the shape of their mouth? Yeah, her teeth are if she bites down, her front teeth are like really they don't touch. There's like a gap between.

Yeah, because I met a kid in Bali. Well, apparently I didn't meet a kid. So... Whoa! Fuck it all. I'm really incriminating myself in this episode already. I met a mom who was with her kids swimming with Macy. And I had noticed that like he had like his teeth didn't line up.

And my wife, April, goes, yeah, that's from a dummy. So I hadn't noticed it with Lola though. They kind of say from the age of four, like from three, it should be dummies gone. Because it completely fucks their teeth up. And then by four, and again, not advice. I read this somewhere online. I think from four, it creates permanent damage to the teeth. Oh my God.

So Laura and I were kind of like, fuck, we've got to do something here. But luckily she was on board with the 10 days, 9 days. She kind of, she got it. She got it. She was like, she was very understanding. She's turned a corner in the last few months where she now has this like, she's grown up. Yeah. She's grown up a lot.

But... Did you show a picture of deformed teeth? Like, this is what I'm doing. This could be you. I mean, I was away for work on Monday. That's nice. Okay. And that happened to be the end of the 10 days where it was first night with no dummy.

So I wasn't there. How early did you go to the airport? And what time was your actual flight? I was on time. So many people hate us for that. I know. Also a few people were like do the same thing and I'm like. Everyone does that shit.

Everyone sits in the. April. Yeah I reckon April does it. She's like oh my gym class is at 530. It's like bullshit. No it's not. She's just hanging out in the car half hour. Doom scrolling.

People yeah like park the car around the corner before going into the garage because they want to wait till the kids are asleep. We all do it. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa I get it. I get it. Wow. It was like someone who had been on the run for the police and then they finally got caught. And instead of running, they just went, you know what? They're exhausted from running. You've got me. And that's it. It's done.

Yes. I wasn't there. I was away for work. Being an absent father. Earning money. Right? That's fair enough. Let me just justify that. Even if you weren't, I think it's fair enough.

Thank you. You're allowed a break. You're a good dad. Laura sent me through a video of the final moments before she was handing over the dummies. Yeah. Because the dummy fairy was coming that evening. I've sent you that video, Ash. It's on your phone. Is that what you've just said?

Do you want to have a little watch at Lola? I do. I do. Finally saying goodbye to her dummies for the last time. What are you doing, darling? You're giving them a kiss? Bye bye. Kiss them all. Bye. Got some Chucky. I'll get another Chucky. Did you drop that? for the last time. She's definitely got some hidden somewhere that you don't know about. Do you reckon?

Yeah. She's playing the game with you. Also, Marley looks super cute in her school uniform. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Do you think she's... I think she's bucketing. How has Arse just been like, she's taken it like a champ.

Yeah. She's been so mature about it. I know Lola. Fuck. And she's manipulated you and gaslighted you there. I reckon she's got some hidden somewhere. Oh my fucking God. It's worth it.

Don't say anything. Just snoop around and just see. Because I reckon she's given them up way too easily there. She's been great. Night one, night two. Couple little tears, but like nothing big, no big tantrum. She's got ya. And like where Laura and I are going, my God, she's like, this has been a breeze.

What have we done differently? Maybe it's the fact that she's more mature. We just had to wait till the right time. I don't want to burst your bubble. But she even said, we put her to bed the other night and she goes, do you know what I really feel like right now? And we're like, what's that? She's like,

She goes, do you know what I really feel like right now? And we're like, what's that? She's like, she's like, just a little dummy. And we're like, we're like, sorry, honey. You know, the dummy fairies come. She goes, I get it. That's fine. Anyway, I better be off to bed. Love you guys.

Don't come in. So I reckon she's got you mate. I reckon she's, look, if not, if I'm wrong, I hope I'm wrong. If I'm wrong, that's great. That is mature. That is instant maturity. But you know what child we're talking about, right? Because I was going to sit here and say, again, not advice, but I was like, to any parents out there

who may be removing the dummy, and if you really get a sense that your child is not right, just wait it out, okay? Wait till they've figured it out how to trick you. Yeah. Yeah, I reckon like, we're talking about- We did have, there was at least 40 dummies scattered throughout the house.

Yeah, I would do a deep dive into that bedroom to see. Oh my f- Maybe you could bribe Marley into like- Be like, because they share the bedroom. Yeah. Be like, be f-ing honest. I reckon. Look, like I said, if not, that's-

Okay, I'll get- That's a huge turn. We're talking about like Lola where she can love you one second, then she's like, get off me! Yeah. Because what, she sucks you in and then you're like, hey Lola, come can love you one second and she's like, get off me! Yeah. Cause when she sucks you in and then you're like, Lola come give me a cuddle. She's like, oh no. Runs away.

I'll keep you posted. Keep me posted on that. What else you got for me? But what else have I got for you? Oh, I was caught with my pants down. Literally. So you are incriminating yourself this episode. No, no, yeah.

No, no, no, no. I'll paint you a picture. Let me paint you and the listeners a picture. Because this is an audio medium, not a visual medium. Yes, please. Just not sure if you knew that. So my bathroom is one of those bathrooms where the toilet is separate from the main bathroom. It's in a separate room. Which I like.

Do you? Yeah, because it's very, you know, you stink it up. Someone has to brush their teeth. There's nothing worse than brushing your teeth in the bathroom. Yeah, that's true. That'd make a good point. It's a good point. I was always like, look, it's a waste of a room.

But anyway, and then the adjacent door, bathroom, door here, is the laundry. Yes. And that's where the storage is for anything bathroom, laundry related. Not important, but thank you. It is important. It is important. It is important to the story.

And the, one of the best things about having kids, Matt, is when you run in that toilet paper, you go, Marley or Oscar, can you get me some toilet paper? Run errands for you. Yeah. But no one was home. Right. So I've had to go in search of toilet paper that's in the laundry. So I've opened up the door. Pants are down.

Pants are down in my ankles. Yeah. You got a pooey bum. Pooey bum. Shuffling down the hallway. Doing the shuffle. Yeah. It's not down, it's just to the right.

If you listen to the start of the story. I apologize. I went in there because that's where the toilet is kept. Now the next door neighbors are currently having their roof redone. Okay this is a layer that I wasn't expecting. Thank you. Is that a compliment? A layer of shit you weren't expecting? Anyway so and also my laundry door is clear like your front door. Yes. Completely see-through. Right. And it just so happens that the toilet paper is actually on the lower part of the cupboard in the laundry and I've come in, I've shuffled in,

I've bent down, grabbed a couple of rolls of toilet paper because I just want to get, don't want to get one, don't want to be selfish for the next person, stood up, turned around and there is three tradies on the roof with, who's just had a clear shot of my pooey asshole. Oh my God. And all I could do at the time, all I could think of was just a cheeky thumbs up, tuck the toilet paper under my chin and shuffled back to the toilet. Did you give him a thumbs up? Did you get one back?

It was just shock. That was just like, it was like seven in the morning or something like that. I'm ridiculous like that. Anyway. I don't want to story top you. No, do it. Please. Because that was like, that was great.

That's a classic embarrassment. My front door. Ash. It is see-through. So Lola was up pretty early and she was like, hey everybody, come and look how nice the sunrise is. Because sunrise is about like six o'clock at night. The show or the… Sorry. You're better than that.

Oh no, sorry. Yes. So she was like, come see the sunrise. It's beautiful. And it was yes. She was like come see the sunrise it's beautiful. And it was beautiful. It was like a magenta. And it would rise like your door faces sort of southeast. Beautiful. Beautiful for the sunrise. Ocean views.

I was in… Huh? Ocean views at your place too. Thank you. Thank you for highlighting. I was in my undies and normally no one's really out that time. You wear tighty-whities too. My white ones.

Lola was like standing on the garage. I then came out to then, because you know you have to just have to keep the kids happy. And then I stood out there and I was looking and then the neighbor was getting in his car across the road. He was kind of like about to look. So I was like fuck. I went to turn around to go back inside. The door had shut behind me. So I just turned around and like, fucking, boom! You face-planted into the door. Into the door that was now shut. And you would have had those white little undies on too with the shit stain down the back.

Eww. But also when you get to our age, Ash. No, I'm not falling into our age. I'm still early 30s. Fuck me you're old. You're absolutely old. When you get to like you've got bad knees, bad hips. When you get to our age and you got kids you don't really care about being seen naked as

much as when you're like 20. No. In fact. Let's get naked right now. Jess is like please fucking don't. Hey just really quickly. You may have seen recently, I was at Movie World. Oh yeah, actually yeah.

I was at Movie World with kids. I'm gonna go. When was the last time you were at Movie World? Oh, 15 years ago. Okay, good. Because I can just help you out here. Don't go? No, it's great.

Okay, cool. It's great. It's sick. It's sick. I'm listening. It's sick. Like, I didn't think. Sick? It was fully sick. Double Shockers loved it. Yeah.

They were like, holy shit, this is unbelievable. You know, going down that main strip where all the characters are and. Did they have the Batmobile still? Had the Batmobile. It's different. The Batmobile has changed. It was not, do you remember the Batmobile with like, with Jim Carrey as the Joker? That one's not there.

It's not there. What is it now? Like a Lambo or something? Pretty, like it's souped up. It's a slut. It's a slutty Batmobile. No need to talk about the Batmobile like that. Absolutely.

Is it like a Lambo or some shit like that? No, it's a souped up like GT sports. It's a Subaru WRX. Yeah. No, it's cool. Amali went on her first roller coaster, which was a great experience. Which one? It was a Looney Tunes one.

Okay. Looney Tunes one. Is she old enough? How old do you have to be? Is it high? It's high. You have to go through and there's like, if they're over a meter, but under 110, they can go on these like bigger rides, but you have to go with an adult.

They can't go by themselves. What do you like with rides? I used to love it. I used to love it. I get pretty motion sickness now. Like my tummy gets a bit unsettled. Jess's comments are slowly making sense. You're showing your age boys. I get motion sickness on a swing. Dude, I remember like when I was a teenager going on one of the roller coasters like-

Not holding on. And going on like five times in a row at the end of the day when it was pretty quiet and just loving it. Looney Tunes, like there's no loop the loop. There's none of that stuff because it's for kids. Right. But still like it's, you know, you're moving a lot. You're moving fast. It's shaking. And the G-Force.

There's a lot of G-Forces. But Marley, she didn't really look at it going. She just, she was like, oh, I just want to, let's do this. And I was like, are you sure? And she was like, fuck yeah. And I was like, okay. So we lined up, we got there, and we had the option. We're at the front of the queue, gate open. We could grab our seats. And I was like, do you want to go on the front? And she was like, heck yeah.

And I was like, ah. And she was like, sick. Sick. And then, you know, we're going up the start. We kind of go really high. And I was like, shit's about to get real, kid. OK, sorry, I keep sliding down this fucking... I know, you're like on the floor. Make yourself at home.

You're like a slug. Sorry. And then as soon as we like, as soon as we kicked off, she fucking loved it. She wanted to go back to back. How could? I couldn't because I was queasy. Kids... Kids have got no fear, eh? I think Oscar would be shitskate. Well, Lola was petrified.

She's only four. She wouldn't like trying to get it to go in the merry-go-round. Oh, really? She was like... Aaaaaah! And it was just like slowly tilting. She was like... Make it stop! I get motion sickness on just a swing. Do you remember those little cars?

I don't even remember little cars that you sit on top of the cars and they... Like a Dodge Ram car? Yeah, but you only go, it's like a track. Oh, it's like a... Yeah, okay. You know, you can't... You're at most going 10k's an hour. Lola was like... Almost went on those ones and she freaked out last minute. So what did she do all day? going 10Ks an hour. Lola was like, almost went on those ones and she freaked out last minute. So what did she do all day?

We went to the live action, like used to be the police academy show. Was it good? Yeah. Lola was like, this is too loud. It is very loud. Have you seen the behind the scenes of that? It's sick. It is. It's sick.

But one thing I noticed, again, this is I just want to manage your expectations. I remember being there as a kid and it being enormous. Like it took the whole day to explore everything. Is that not the case? It's shrunk. I think you've gotten bigger. Yes. Thank you.

You fucking idiot. Ouch. That hurts. But so what do you mean it shrunk? What do you mean you've got... Yeah. Well it's like you know when you're in primary school and you see the high school kids like fuck they're huge! And now you look at the primary school... The high school kids and you're like they're tiny.

I'll take it. I probably still couldn't. But it's like yeah yeah I get it. But like... To Lola and Marley, it'd be huge. So it shrunk. It's small. Yeah, it was weird.

They just got one strip? The one strip. Have you ever been to Disneyland? No. You'd never been to a Disneyland before? All right, money bags. No. I went to Disneyland in Paris.

After we had caviar for breakfast and some frog legs. We spoke about the French last week. How the other half live? Yes, before kids. Actually we found out we were pregnant a week before we had to go. So we couldn't go on any fucking ride. I don't need your laugh story, but that's okay. Okay. Thank you.

Thanks Oscar. Anyway, yeah we're going to go. Because we're going to the Goldie next month for Easter. What was the Disneyland story? It's huge. Okay, sure. I think. It's great.

It was great. But yeah, just be prepared for the fact that your memory of it will be so different to you going there as an adult. I've just received a message. Oscar, he has placed ninth in cross country. His shoe fell off. I didn't know that... He had to run a kilometer, dude. I didn't think they let kids that age cross country.

Yeah, I was really sad because there's so many kids running and crying. I'm pretty sure where my kids go to school, they're not allowed until grade three to do cross country. Apparently the grade three kids were the most upset. April was like, Oscar loved it. His shoe just fell off. And we've been practicing not the running part. I don't want to... We've been practicing the what to do if you win or if you lose, which is shake everyone's hands.

A good race, regardless. I'm a good dad. You are such a good dad. Thank you. Did he have the Velcro shoes or a lace up? They were the laces with the Velcro so that you don't actually do... They were like the... Oh shit, and still the shoe came off.

It's come flying off apparently. It may run into you. He was hitting it with pace. There you go. There he is. I'll let you have that one. Thank you, so much. Okay, out of how many kids?

Nine. No. I think there's like 90 kids in there. 90 kids? They've got like four full classes. 90 kids? Holy shit, that would have been carnage. Yeah. Did 90 kids run it?

Yeah. That's just in their grade. How many kids did they lose? 81 of them. Oscar was the last one there. I'm surprised he came ninth. He's been really like- Did he train for it?

A little bit. Like just like run and get your dad a beer. 400 times. No, but he a kilometer Yeah, he was pumped for apparently he was really stoked with the top 10 top 10 10 Well, especially if you you know shoeless. Well, you were a fast kid. I've been told growing up. I was quick over Short distances not a you're a sprinter not a marathon runner. Yeah back in my heyday Now I look forward to the next athletics day where we can see Oscar in his pet event. 100 meter sprint.

Would Marley Yoskel do athletics at that age or not? Good question. Glad you asked. I don't know. Should find out. What about swimming carnival? No. Macy's swim on her own.

What is going on? Kids growing up. Anyway, moving on. Time for Lies. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Tell me, tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies. Matt, would you like to go first? You go first. Me go first? OK.

This one's from Crystal. Crystal, congratulations. So if your lie does get read out, you do get the choice of either a Matty J or an Ash stuffed toy. I did see that the last few that went out were actually Ash toys. If you get Red Hour, you do get the choice of either a Matty J or an Ash stuffed toy. I did see that the last few that went out were actually Ash toys. Yeah. How does that make you feel?

Yeah, it hurts. The nervous little voice. It hurts. OK, this one's from Crystal. My daughter thinks that the TV remote works better if she's extra polite when asking for a show. Oh, that's good. I've actually got Ash a recording of a lie. Oh, this is new? Yeah.

Hotline. Yeah. Hotline Bling. Guess who it is. Coming back with another big lie. Donna. One more guess. We had a big lie last week. Gangbusters on social. Nana. One more guess. We had a big lie last week. Well, gangbusters

on social. Nana! Nana Ellie! Here we go. Nana Ellie. So Nana Ellie told the lie about the PlayStation being rented. We actually owned it. This morning I said, you wouldn't believe it Nana. 1.6 million views that video has. And she was pumped. Oh, she'd be fr... No wonder she's asking fucking cruise lines for work. And people in the comments were like, who is this genius? Who is Ellie? And we want more. Yes, go. Lay it on me. So this is another lie that we have from Ellie.

God, I hope it does as well. Second time around. Well, the PlayStation wasn't the only thing I lied about. Good start. You were too young, but the other two were being silly in the lounge and they knocked the television and it smashed. I said, that's it. We don't have a television now and I'm not replacing it. But I did replace it with a small television that I kept in my wardrobe.

And when you've gone to bed, I went to my room and I could turn it on and watch what I wanted to watch. And I took Jack as a tour of the wardrobe. And you just thought you didn't have a television? She's a fucking genius. Oh, how much does she have in the vault? She's a cruel mistress.

She is. That's the equivalent of like... Yeah, she's just gone off to her room to sneakily watch TV without you. That's a lot of work, though. Having to put the little TV back up. I mean, it just makes you think what else she was hiding from you as a child. So each week, I'm just going to pull another lie out of Ellie and bring out some childhood trauma. Does she want to stuff to Ashdoll if she deserves that?

Yeah. That is good gear. She's very good. I've got another one, Matt. Go on. This one's from jazmim, also a winner this week. Husband came home drunk one night, attaboy, and said he drank too much juice and now kids are afraid to drink juice. said he drank too much juice and now kids are afraid to drink juice. The old drunk on apple juice trick. Heard that before. That's good. What else you got for me? Okay, I got one more. This is from

Shreeti. Shreeti. Tricky names this week. That's what I was saying. Tricky names. I don't want to name shame people. I don't want to name shame, but like don't want to name shame, but like... When are we going to get the Luke James... Bob... Phil... Just a whole lot of blogs. Okay, from Shreddy says, I told my toddler that if they press the elevator button too many times,

the elevator will get dizzy and refuse to take anyone up. It's like when I was a kid and my parents would be like, don't press the crossing the street thing. What do they call it? Fucking hell. Pedestrian crossing. No, no, no, no. The one with the button.

The traffic light crossing. What do you call that? Traffic light? There's got to be a simpler name than that. I feel like I'm tripping over that. Like the traffic light crossing. You don't press it too many times. Every time you press it, it charges you.

It zaps you? No, no. It charges you like 15 cents. And then they send you a bill. So you're like, just press it once. Who told? It zaps you? No, no. It charges you like 15 cents. Oh! And then they send you a bill. So you're like, just press it once. Who told you that? My mom.

No, my nan. With all the spoons? Yeah. Love that. Yeah. Alright. The spoon shrine. Did you believe it?

Yeah! I still believe it. I only press it once. I've just worked out that I'm an idiot. Okay. I love it. Listen to questions. I love it. Listen to questions.

Listen to questions. Do you want to start this? You start. You start. Me start? Okay. Matt, this one's from Anonymous. Yeah.

Strange names this week. Mom of a one year old here. Huge fight with my partner last night. He says we spend no time together. Our relationship is non-existent and we no longer have fun. He's not wrong in some ways. We've both been focusing on getting back to ourselves after becoming parents. Or so I thought.

Do you have any rituals for spending time with your partner? Uh, rituals. Sex. I'm a child. I'm just a child. First and foremost. Go on. I think it is very natural as parents with any number of children that you have periods where you feel a bit disconnected from your partner.

Like a roommate. Like a roommate phase. Fair enough. Do we know how old the kids are? No, that's... One year old? Did she say one year old? Yes. Like, dude, can you remember how hard it was with a one year old? Yeah. Do you know what I forgot I had to do? Disinfect the teats of bottles. Do you remember that shit? I didn't know. Oh, God. Oh, not by hand. I just put in one of those things and chucked in the microwave. You put plastic in the microwave?

No, they go in like a special, they go in a special, Pete, parents will back me up. I swear to god. Google it. It's like a container. You put a little bit of water and it's sterilized. You chuck it in the microwave. For how long?

And it heats up and it sterilizes it like boiling water. Microplastics? Does that mean anything to you? Obviously not, bro. My kids are just full of microplastics. They're gonna get their blood filtered one day. Sorry, I shouldn't attack you. I've been attacking you this episode. Yeah, I appreciate it. It keeps me on my toes. I've acknowledged it.

So first and foremost, continue. One year old. It's like that is that you're in the eye of the storm. That is a tricky position to be in. I think it's they're coming out of the trickiest position. You know what I mean? Because that's what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. Like that age, yes.

Don't get me wrong. Still tricky. And for some it's trickier. But that whole leading up to one? No wonder you're not fucking hanging out with each other. You probably hate each other on the surface. Yes. Dude, everyone with a one year old, every couple hates each other in that period of life.

And if they don't, they're fucking lying. No one is thriving. All right. You may thrive for the blink of an eye, but then the majority of the time, you're just trying to stay alive. You just get your head above water. That's the reality. I think that anyone who was like, oh wow, I don't really have like, my relationship is not cranking with a one year old. I'm like, that shouldn't.

It shouldn't be cranking. If it's cranking, that kid's been neglected. It's hungry. Yeah. All right. Keep the child alive. But I think also, and we say we're not going to give it any advice,

but we're both married. We both have two kids. I think we're both in a position where we can give a little bit of advice that has worked potentially for us. I'm ready for it. Give yourselves a fucking break. Yeah. Like fuck.

Actually, wait no, sorry. Continue. Shut your mouth. Don't go so hard on yourselves and don't put too much pressure. There's so much time for you to get that back. Is that, am I wrong? Yes. Go on. Okay. Put more pressure on yourself. Is that what you're saying? Okay, ready? Yeah. Give the mum a break. Okay. Oh yes. Okay. Because I, I, I was, was shit. We're the one year old. I was still in that mindset of like, oh, mom's got it. You know, like, because newborns up until three, four months,

mom and newborn, they're attached to the hip slash boob. And one year old... Did you say boob? There we go. One year old is when dads like can really start taking on a lot more. Very true. One year old is when dads can really start taking on a lot more. And so I think it's hard to think about being sexy and romantic and wanting to have all that type of business going on when you know the house is a mess and you're trying to deal with a little child.

So my best advice is for any dads out there who think, oh my relationship's not being prioritized, just like clean that house dude. Take a day off work. Call in sick to work and just like clean the house. Do the washing. Mop the vacuum and mop the floor. A little bit of chore play is going to go a long way.

Please refer to the 2023 calendar that we did. Good plug. Great plug. Well done. Now, very much out of date. But that's my advice. I think that's pretty solid, but I would just attack on to the top of that, that if you are mum, don't try and force that advice onto them,

because it could, you know what I mean? Like, if you're like, why don't you clean the house anymore? It might make it worse. Don't you think? No, fucking tell them to clean the house. You're going with full tell them to do it. I think what I like what you think? No, fucking tell them to clean the house. You're going with full tell the dude. I think what I like what you said was then, if you're dad, right, just go and do it. Yes.

I like that. Yes. I like that. Be proactive. Be proactive. There he is. That's what I wanted to hear. Because it's like for me personally, if I would prefer to be proactive and do those sort of things, then to be told, go and do it.

You know what I mean? No one enjoys a gift they ask for. Not that doing the housework is a gift. You're just full of good words right now. You're welcome. I'm not going to stop you. Keep going. It was the apple juice.

What else you got? The apple juice. It was the apple juice. It's out of date. That's it. It's very sour. Okay. Question for you. Again, don't put too much pressure on the relationship, right?

Yes. Because no one is... No! I know we joke, we laugh. But everyone fucking hates each other at that stage. Life with a two-year-old is a lot better than life with a one-year-old. Yeah, for sure. They're giving back way more.

Give me a toddler any day of the week. Newborns? Ugh. Ew. Question for any day of the week. Newborns? Ugh. Ew. Question for you, Ash. Go. Who is this from? Okay. Not important.

Oh, that's not fair. Okay, sorry. No, it's not important. We're sick of names today. Actually, this one came from Producer Jess because she asked it in the Facebook group. Got a great response. Do you mean Producer Jess with no kids? Yeah. Okay. I'm asking the question now to you, Ash. Got a great response. Do you mean, producers just with no kids? Yeah. I'm asking the question now to you Ash,

have a sip of your popper. Very good. Yeah, get that juice in you, because it's like gasoline. What are your top three kid shows that aren't annoying to watch as an adult? Good question. Let's start with number three down the bottom.

Okay, number three down the bottom is a show called Little Lunch. Sort of like a primary school mockumentary. I have seen that. Yeah? It's interesting. It's sort of like similar to like The Office, but for kids. Kids love it. Love it.

And do you know what? It's a... And we're just going to give some more advice here. If your kid's going to start school, get him onto that show. Cause it really does. Yeah. Really like anyone. Paints the picture of what school life is like.

And anyone that has said, cause you'd go through, you'd be going through the same thing when you're talking to parents in the same class or same grade as your kid. And they're like, how's Marley going? Like, how's she adjusting? And it's like either, you know, good or a couple of days through bad're bad or blah blah blah. During those first couple of weeks people were like how's Oscar and like April would be like yeah yeah good and then oh look you know Harry or Billy or whatever is struggling a little bit and I was like do you know what my kids froth that really helped Oscar is? Yeah I love it great characters great writing scripting and

that is mwah. Very good. Okay my number number three is I'm going to go with Play School. A classic. Is it because you've been on Play School? No, don't be okay. Don't be like that. Not at all. Why would you even suggest that? I'm going to be on Play School.

What? No, no, I made that up. See that? See that? See that? Did you see that? And that's going to be on camera too. There he is.

I think I agree with you. I think like it's one of the more bearable nursery rhyme sort of shows. Beautiful. Love it. Plenty of time and place to look. But when you're on it, turn it straight off. Didn't you read a book to Buster? Or you just had Buster and you read it? I've read many books, Ash. Must be nice. Now my number two is a short... I've also sung songs as well.

You don't sing around me. No. No. But this is not about me. Isn't it? I can't remember what the... All three of these shows are shows you've been on? You're like, my next one is, have you seen The Bachelor?

It's unbearable. Okay, my number two. Do you want my number two? A show called Zig and Shark. The bachelor. It's unbearable. Okay, my number two. Do you want my number two? Yeah. A show called Zig and Shark. Wow, what's that? And I'm just going to preface this really quickly with saying I'm a real big fan of shows that there's no character talk.

Like Pingu? Very much like Pingu. Talking in kids shows is so fucking annoying. Like Coca Melon. Fuck me. What's your Zig? So it seems to be, it's like a little beaver sort of thing. What's it called? Ziggy and Starfish? What is it?

Ziggy and, Zig and Shark. Okay, right. Okay, so picture this. It's cartoons, animated. It is a small beaver-like character. I'm not specific on what animal that is. Sure. And a shark. And it's sort of like a Tom and Jerry situation where one's after the other at some point. Each episode might be a little bit different.

But it's always set on a cruise ship. It's really weird and specific. But it's sort of a bit goes back to like Ren and Stimpy sort of. Remember that? Like that sort of animation. I love that. I'm going to... You're selling it to me and I like it.

Number two for me, I'm going Bluey. What's that for? I think Nick Cody put it really simply. He's like, everyone gets so self-obsessed with how they parent based off the parents on Bluey. And then he says, that's because they're seven minute episodes. You could be a good parent for seven minutes. So I think I like the premise of the every Bluey episode can be for an adult as well.

Yep. And I like that they can pull at your heartstrings a bit. But I think too many of them, I start to feel like my parenting shit. Fair. Because they are. They always end up being such good parents in it. I agree. Can't they shit the bed once or twice? Like, they are dogs. Like, fuck.

If the creators of Blueys are watching this or listening to this, please. They've got those mini episodes. They're already seven minutes. Now I've got to see parents be very good parents for two or three minutes. I love it. I don't know. I don't love it, love it, but I don't not like it. What's your number one? Number one is a show, once again, no talking. It's called Mighty Beam. I've not heard of this one.

So it's like a similar, it's a bit more animated opposed to like cartoon. That makes sense. So when I say animated, like say Shrek animated, right? Right. Bit more like that. But same thing. There's no talking. It's just a lot of like, it's about a small child. Yep.

Baby. I think it's set in like India or something like that. It's very Indian. Exotic. Very exotic. The child has like super strength, right? And it sort of gets itself into all sorts of situations without any talking. It's all like music and emotion.

But it's like one of those ones you can just pop on and you can just sit there and the kids love it and it doesn't annoy the fuck out of me. I'll have to check it out. My number one is… Let me just change. If Louis wasn't your number one, I'm intrigued. Okay. I watched this one back in the day through my sister.

Her kids used to love this show. My girls have just started watching it. Come on. So if it's around from where I'm going to know it surely. No, sorry. My sister's kids who are like, yeah, Elders is now like eight or nine. So they've now outgrown this show, but my kids now started watching it. They love it.

I also love it. It's called Katie's Amazing Machines. Never heard of it. Do yourself a favor. Katie... If you're pitching it to me, like I'm gonna invest in it. Give it to me. Okay. Katie is... I'm sold! Let's go! Moving on! I'm pretty sure her main job is... She's like a rally car driver. She's a lady of the night. She's a rally car driver. She's like a professional race car driver and she goes around each episode. She just checks out these awesome machines that move. So like speed boats, motorbikes, like excavators and she just drives them. Is it animated?

No, not. Katie's a real driver. Like a Blippi. Yeah. Situation. Yeah, but she's cool. She's just like, hey, what's up? I like to drive things and like go fast.

So what are we checking out today? A speedboat. Can you send me the link to this? Because Oscar will froth. Absolutely. And then she talks about like how that machine, how that bit of equipment works, like an excavator. She'd be like, let's see how fast it goes. And she goes, it goes pretty slow, but it can do this and like digs holes.

Oh my God. So yeah. What's it on? I watch it on ABC Kids. But then as well, she'll also have someone who's an expert. So if she's say like a motorbike. She'll have a motorbikalist. Well said.

Thank you. And he'll do wheelies and she'll be like that's so cool and he'll try to teach us something But she's very good. She can drive anything. That's great. Like a bobcat drive anything anything. I've not seen it There's no bit of a plane. I've seen a fly. Shut up. Yeah, send it over. I want to see it I want to show Oscar cuz we're gonna be Things amazing. What are your thoughts on Blippi? Yes a bit much. Do you know the origin story of Blippi? Oh You don't know the origin story. I think we've spoken about this before, Jess, do you recall?

Yeah, he shat his bed in the army. No, no, no, he didn't shit his bed. You know that trend, the Harlem Shake? Yeah. Where it would cut to like them dancing crazy. He'd die red on his friend's face. That's how he- That's not true.

It is true. It is true. It is true. Show me the video. It is true. It is true. It is true. Show me the video. It is true. Jessica, get that up right now. This is before Blippi. Before he- I don't want to hear you guys talk about Blippi in this way without giving some kind of evidence. It is factual. I'm giving you facts. Can we- I don't need lawyers in our case. This is defamation in the highest regard. We shouldn't have shed on his mate's face. I wouldn't have to defame him. After this record, find me the footage.

I will find you the footage. If anyone else has this footage, please send it to us. Well, if anyone else has any TV suggestions that's not going to drive a parent crazy. Please let us know. Absolutely. Any lies, any questions, you may always, always send them to us. Our door is open.

It is always open. Ash, t-shirts. You're wearing a great T-shirt by the way. So are you. Just thank you. You like this one? The Two Doting Dads T-shirt. These are called the smelly nappy t-shirt. They are on our website twodotingdads.com. They're 45 bucks. If you want them. Honestly, I mean this when I say there's not many left. We say that every week about? Everything must go! Well, I just don't want people to be disappointed.

We only have a couple remaining. Okay, then actually by the time this comes out, there may not be any left. So do yourself a favour if you're thinking about it. Grab a t-shirt. Treat yourself. Don't be disappointed. Don't be disappointed? With the shirt?

Oh, with it all sold out. Yeah, exactly. Yes. What have I got? If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave us a review. Five stars, little comment. Join us on socials. We're at.

Tugetting Dads, TikTok, Instagram, the Facebook group. Also send it to a friend. Send this episode to somebody out there who you think needs a relatable laugh about parenting. Agreed. Spread the word. Spread the word. Spread the word. Spread it like a disease.

I like it. Spread it like herpes. And on that note. We're getting it off track. We will go, we will leave. And spread our own herpes. Goodbye. Goodbye.

To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.