Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #138 Guilty Until Proven Otherwise

Episode Date: April 15, 2025

How do you know that you're "getting on"?  Some say grey spotting, perhaps rickety knees, but for Matty J and Ash...it's a hairy butt-crack.  This week, it's Marlie-Mae's turn to run the cross-country, and she's not keen. Her father gives her a pep-talk that his very own mother used to give him when he was Marlie's age.  What's the most you'll pay for school uniforms? Matty J makes a rookie move after being upsold at the local uniform shop.  Ash has had ANOTHER flashback, and there is a twist that no one could have predicted.  And Miss Macy has hit a new milestone and may as well be ready to move out.  We also answer your questions:  What are the worst gifts you can give your child? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads     See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You're not going to mention anything about my appearance today. Oh, it's not always about you, bro You know, I just got a little haircut and even said anything. I did notice it Well, if you noticed it, what do you say something I would like to see from you? I've actually gone a bit This is a bit ash-esque. Yeah, I would like to see a little bit less sideburn less sideburn Yeah, what do you mean at the moment? It's less I think I could tape it more more tapered side put back Yeah, it is a bit tapered. Yeah, but I really like it. Look at the length of the back. Yeah, but I think that needs to be shorter, really rear.

It looks good though. Even more? Yeah, just that bit. I can't tell if you're setting me up. You're right on track. Okay. I'll show you later what I mean. Okay.

I also got a haircut too, have you not noticed? I get, sorry, you look great. You fuck. And you've grown your beard. Yeah. What's going on there? Midlife crisis, have you not seen my convertible there, front?

Yeah. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have.

I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have.

I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. I have. Is, I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about haircuts. Apparently so.

It's the good, the bad. The good, the bad haircuts. And the relatable haircuts. What's a relatable haircut? I feel like you're short back and sides. It is. It's been done to death hasn't it though? It's a bit, it's overkill.

People are leaving the back now because they're like, it's been done to death hasn't it? It's a bit, it's overkill. People are leaving the back now cause they're like, it's been done to death. I feel like I'm jumping really late on the bandwagon of having it long in the back. I like it. I think you're in good, you gotta remember we're in our, well you're in your late 30s. Dude, I was at an event where someone said,

how old are you? And I said, I'm turning 38. And they went, oh shit, you're almost 40. We better get the fuck out of here. And I was like, how old are you?" And I said, I'm turning 38. And they went, oh shit, you're almost 40. We better get the fuck out of here. And I was like, how old are you? And they're like, I'm 26. Oh, it's wild. I'm almost 40, dude. Almost 40. Okay, no one. Hey, you know what I've noticed is like the

biggest change, the closer I get to 40. One sec. No advice will be given in this podcast. Thank you. Let's move forward. Oh yeah, sorry. Thank you. The lawyers were stressing out just then I was stressed and I've noticed that the back hair Like I you know, you have a little Was it cool like a welcome mat? What's it called above your welcome mat? Yeah, welcome matches, but I don't have it anymore You trimmed it. Okay. Yeah go Just look away

You trimmed it. Okay. Yeah go just look away Oh My god, you missed the spot. He missed this was a couple of straight. Yeah, a couple of stray hairs Yeah, who did that? Very hard to shave that region. Yeah, this is gonna shave that reason. How would you do it? This is just anyone who met or no, this is like the lower back lower back above the butt crack Yeah, where the love handles are. Yes, for some. Jesus.

Man, it's like right where my back six pack is. I do like the twist. The twist? I go under. What? No man, I'm just gonna imagine that. I just go right under. And I go from my lower back right through to my gooch or my taint if you would.

It looks very good. Why did you trim yours? I want to look better in a bathing suit during winter. You've had that for a long time. It was creeping its way up to my shoulders. Oh dude that's what that's what I'm experiencing. Mine used to just be that little part there. It's now like it's up to my lats.

Yeah. This is like two doting grandads. What the fuck? Why is my pubic hair waited until I've almost hit the age of 40 to then go, uh-huh, we will start growing on the back. Yes. Get it boys. Like. You won't notice.

Why now? If you're a medical expert, tell me. But some people were hairy in school, like man children. I have a man whose back was back and ass hairy since we were like 14. Wow. Yeah. I only got underarm hair when I was 18.

Yeah, that's... I'm in shock. It feels good to get that off my chest. The look on your face. I remember like every morning looking under my arms in high school being like come on Like waiting for that first little sprout to happen in the garden I'm like at any second now it'll happen and kids at school would have given you so much shit Oh, yeah, like swimming carnivals. It was you know, yeah

Yeah, it was great. I like used to love the old the old comeback would be like you thought you had a pub until you pissed out of it. Never! That was a classic. Oh God. Yeah, because then you could get, you'd be like, one, you don't have your pubes yet, and two, you got a tiny dick. It's like a double up.

It's the double, the double like, the one two. A little while ago, Ash, we were talking about the fact that Oscar had performed very well at his cross country. What place did he get? He was ninth but because his shoe fell off. Couldn't catch up. Of course. That morning who was tying the shoelaces? I don't know if you recall. It was a Velcro shoe. I apologize. Yeah, you should. I apologize. And I was like, oh, that's funny. We don't have cross country. Yeah, you were saying from year three up. Yeah, you're wrong. I was very wrong. I tried so hard to subscribe to the school newsletter. Why would you want to do that? Because

because things like cross country. That's how we find out. I'm not good. I'm against the hat parade. I'm not getting told anything. I'm in the dark. Don't you get emails? Well, the newsletter. Oh, that's all in the anything. I'm in the dark. Don't you get emails? Well the newsletter. Oh. That's all in the newsletter, Brad. I don't receive. I purposely gave them zero emails for me. They go to April.

Well like, see we're opposite in our family. Laura's... That's true. Laura, they could be like, your child is being held at gunpoint and you need to come to the school to pick it up. Pick it up? Pick her up. And Laura will like, see that like a week later and be like, where's Marley?

I haven't seen her in like a week. She's still being held hostage. She doesn't read her emails. Yeah, OK. God love her. You and April together would be terrible. Me and Laura together, terrible. So it works. If we ever are inclined to swap partners, let's just remember this conversation where we know it's just not that really quick.

April went to a party and there was a bowl at the front that said Throw your keys in here as a joke. I must have been a joke must have been which party a birthday party Don't know we go back next week So my sister goes to the same school sister is very like she's how old is your sister she I mean Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. Some of your best work. No, it's not. But she's dialed in to the school newsletter. She is the kind of mom who works at the canteen. She write it, write the school newsletter.

She's pretty, she's the editor. She's the editor. And she was like, hey, you got next Wednesday, you got, she actually listened to the podcast and was like, just so you know, you do have a cross country, it is coming up. So you are welcome. And I was like, fuck. I was like, so I went to Mali and I was listening to the podcast and was like, just so you know, you do have a cross country, it is coming up. So you are welcome. And I was like, fuck.

I was like, so I went to Marley and I was like, she's actually a pretty good runner. Not to like, sound like a, like my child is so fast. She's so smart, so fast, she can fly. But I sat her down and I was like, hey, you got something coming up and it's gonna be very exciting.

I used to like cross country. Yeah. Used to be the champion of my school. We're just going to sit here and you're going to gloat about you. Went to regionals. My auntie actually regionals. Go on. Carry on. We had zones and then we had regionals after zones.

I was I was one step away from making states. I'm standing by My when you get to Aussies, bro Did you make Aussie? Oh, yeah for what a lot of things go on to my jump long jump 400 meters beach sprinting. Okay flags Battleboard I was trying to have a moment. Anything else? Anything else? The list goes on. Yeah, well what happened here? Beer.

Wow. He's naturally sad now. Wow. I just shit on me when I'm trying to have a moment with the listeners. So it was a big deal cross country for me. Not all of us went to Aussies. Some of us were happy with just winning.

Reach for the stars I say. Well said. And I went to Maries. Some of us were happy with just winning. Reach for the stars, I say. Well said. And I went to Marley and said, you have Cross Country coming up. You have to run. And it was like I was telling her that she was going to lose a limb. I was like, hey, next Wednesday,

you're going to lose a limb. It's going to get cut off at school, but it's going to be for a good cause. She was like, why? Why do they make us run? And I was like, it's just, it's, cross country is a, it's an event, you're gonna run against the people in your class?

And she's like, but for what? What are we competing for? And I was like, to be the fastest. She needs like a real reason. Yeah, she was, she doesn't get sport. She's not like a, like, she would rather dance. Yeah. And I was trying to explain to her, like,

there's a reason we do this. And she was like, but I don't understand. Like what are we trying to achieve here? Cause you have to. Yeah. I was like, it's, it's fun. Cause you get to, you get to run. You get to run with your friends. And there's two types of kids, I think.

Kids that like to run for fun and kids that like to run competitively. Oscar is the competitive one. He, I can't be like, oh, just run overly. Oscar is the competitive one. I can't be like, oh, just run over there. He'd be like, Tommy. You know? It's like, you got like a little whippet dog.

That's great. Yeah, you run for the day. I've got like a docile Great Dane. That's like, why would I run? You know, what am I gonna get at the end of it? And I'm like, you don't get anything. You get like a ribbon if you win. If you come first, you're not third. If you come fourth, you don't get anything you get like a ribbon if you win if you come first you know third if

you come fourth you don't get anything and she's like that's a shit deal she's seen the logic in it yeah and I kind of do realize it is it's a weird fucking concept it is I think like it's like it's very gladiator ass like you will fight to the death and then'll run to your drop and die. And then we'll learn spelling. Yeah. Do you think like that they're like, they get them involved. So it's more like, I don't know, like the getting involved part, you know, like you

just got to just, okay. Can I tell you a story? Yes. Ash at my school when I was growing up, this is Brookfield primary school. Shout out to anyone from Brookfield in Queensland. Close down, I heard. Absolutely not. It's thriving. It's doing- After you left, they couldn't- they were like, who's going to go to regional?

No, it's expanding. No one else to go to regional. Fuck you. There was a young boy. By the name of? Peter Lowe. I thought you were going to say Matty J. No. Peter Lowe was in my sister's grade, one year older.

And he was the poster child for cross country. He was someone who had cerebral palsy. And every single year, he would run the cross country. It would take him a lot longer than everybody else. He would run this race knowing he's not going to win the race. He just wanted to be involved. And when he would come in at the finish line,

we would have the whole school cheering him on because every single year, he got involved. He did it. And my mom always said to us, you're so lucky. You're so lucky to be able to run. You have two working arms, two working legs. Peter Lowe would fucking kill for that. Yeah, and I was like, you're right We would always run it doing it knowing that Peter Lowe could do it and if Peter Lowe can do it then we're gonna do it

As well, that's pretty encouraging. I'd love to know where Peter Lowe is My mom was trying to Google I think he's an accountant. Oh really? But it was amazing. He was he could have easily have set out the cross-country Oh really? But it was amazing. He could have easily have set out the cross country. Totally. But every single year he fucking did it.

Just got it done. Got it done. That's just like, did you tell that story to Marley? And I said Marley, let me tell you the story of Peter Lowe. And she was like, who? What are you talking about? I was like, Brookfield Primary School. Where?

That's exactly what you would have been thinking. And I was like, you're so lucky to be able to go out there and you can run. You're so blessed. She was, I don't know if the story was really hidden. She was like, but I could see her in draw. Yeah, she was literally like, yeah. And every morning she'd fucking be in tears because I'm like, don't forget, you've got cross country. So you kept spooking her with the cross country.

Yeah, and way grew up and be like, it's tomorrow With the megaphone They gotta start training So this morning was the day of cross-country Oh today today. I was like, I'm not gonna be there because I think if I'm there She's more inclined to not want to do it and I want to be with me Yeah, you know our kids are the nightmares like that April cried at the cross-country I think if I'm there, she's more inclined to not want to do it and I want to be with me. Yeah. You know how kids are, they're not a mess like that.

April cried at the cross country. For what? Because she was so sad because of all the kids that didn't want to do it. Oh, okay. Good to know that it's not just Marley. No, it's not. She felt like it was a form of torture. Don't make me do it. Yeah.

And then like some kids thrive off that sort of shit, right? Oscar loves that sort of stuff. Yeah, a little lip. He's like, boom and lift, boom. Yeah. But yeah, this morning we were like, putting on our socks and shoes. She was like, I don't want to do it.

I'm like, you're fucking doing it. Do it for Peter Lowe. So have we got a result yet? Oh, you don't know. It fucking got canceled. Oh, the rain. It got canceled. How good.

She's probably like, thank you. I know, it's next term. Next term. So I guess- Plenty of time to train. I might start training. All they do, if anyone- How long is your one?

It's literally, I want to say it's like 300 meters. Ours is a kilometer. They gave us a breakdown. A kilometer? Yeah, yeah. A kilometer. Yeah, we're training for regionals, bro. That is- That's bro. That is, that is, that is far.

That's torture. Can we get the department of education inspecting your school, Northern beaches? I reckon, okay, well, okay, if you listen to me. A kilometer. And your kid does. He's like four. He's nearly six, man. Still.

Very different. The kilometers aren't that far. Dude, you're 40. I's very different. The kilometers aren't that far. Dude, you're 40. I'm not 40. If I'm 40, you're 45. How does that make you feel? Stop it. You're so close to 50.

There's like 12 more summers than you're 50. Marley's is like twice around the quadrangle. Quadrangle. Quadrangle. Is this maths or fucking Jesus? So cancelled. Going in next year. Quadra angle quadra angle quadra angle is this math? So cancelled going in next year to your do you know being a subscriber to someone who Reads the newsletter today do a flake athletics to like some some stage. They do have an athletics carnival, correct Yeah, I don't know when it is.

I'll wait till my sister tells me. My goal, like my mid-year goal is to get subscribed to the newsletter. How come you can't subscribe? What's the deal? They, I try on the website, put my email in and it says, we'll send you a link, click the link and you're subscribed. The link never comes.

I've never had the link. It's a conspiracy. I've never, I've tried. There's someone at school going, I'm not a joke. That's it. I don't, yeah, it's not easy. Yeah, right.

Okay, well I look forward to hearing the results of Marley's run. I will say that George, the Yif threes, George is my nephew, they did it. They ran. How did he go? He came fourth. That's outstanding.

But he had to, let me just tell you, he had to go in the grade above because he started school late. So he's like nine. To be fair. So if he'd have gone into his grade, he would have smoked him. Dude, I dropped the kids off this morning and I brought George with me and he was petrified. Because it was the year above? Because he had to race against the older kids.

Did you tell him the Peter Lowe story? Yeah, yeah, yeah And then you're like a young man. He Joe who went to regionals one time Ran with would you like me to tell them the story of Ash Wicks who went to work in all these? Yeah, you should what place did you come Ozzy's? Did not finish I can't remember I didn't like I didn't win I didn't win Ozzy's Clearly my way what did I come? I think in a 400 I got't win Aussies. Clearly. No way. What did I come? I think in a 400 I got fourth.

That's like the closest I got. Shit house. Well, shit house. Better than Regionals, you pleb. Before I continue, I want to tell you something really quick. How much do you reckon you spent on school uniforms for Oscar? No idea.

I know April bought the original ones, and then they have a secondhand shop at the, and it's dirt cheap, like five bucks for a pair of shorts. Yeah, see I got, they upsold me. I'm surprised by that, you're not easy to upsell. I know, I panicked. Unless it's business class. You're like, yeah, let's give it to me now!

How much? Spare no expense! So we made the mistake. Boys is easy, boys you give them shorts and a polo, right? Yeah. Okay, girls is hard, let me tell you. Let you let me take this is for Macy okay okay when Macy enters school she will have the option of a dress or a skort skirt shorts oh and a polo okay Marley was like I want the dress we were like great

dress is beautiful we can have the dress I think M, I want the dress. And we were like, great, dress is beautiful. You can have the dress. I think Macy will go to the dress too. Tell her to shut up. Okay, I'll let her call her right now. Shut up! When she wants that dress, don't do it. Don't do it. Because they all start on the dress

and then all the older kids. Are in skirts. No, skorts. Okay, that's gonna take me a little while to get my head around that. It's a skort. Yep, skort. A skort is a skirt, but shorts.

Okay, with you. Like shorts, like jean shorts. Very good. Very good, but they're called like, you have to go in and ask for skorts. Sneens? Also, Jekas.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. But I had to get Marley, she now has these dresses that she won't wear, so I have to get her skorts and a polo. And I went into the uniform shop this morning, and I said, can I have two skorts and two polos? And she was like, of course. And then she went for the brand new ones.

And I was like, ah! But there was a line of people, and I was like, I panicked and didn't ask for a second. 100 bucks! For two? For two skorts. It's such a rort. Two skorts and two polos. It's a rort. But like, you can pass them down to Lola, I guess. bucks for two for two scores such a

I'm glad you asked it's a whole new fucking uniform like pants yeah so pants it's a button-up shirt for boys. This is for the boys. What? I think the shoes stay the same. Hope so. I would hope so. Because otherwise I'm going to be out of pocket. Yeah.

The home was fucking... So... A button up shirt. Yeah, I don't think... I think we're going to refuse. You're fucking push back on that dude. I'm pushing. I'm pushing the uniform back into her hole.

If they want to make Oscar run like four kilometers for cross country allow that but you got to put your foot down. Give him a pair of pants. Yeah it's look I don't know I just know that the secondhand stuff is so much cheaper. You got it man don't they saw me and they always. They pulled your pants down as soon as you walked in. Dude, I got bent over. Bent over in front of, in front, no she didn't even spit. She didn't even spit, she just bent me over in front of my child as well.

I know. Marley was like dad and I was like, don't look at this Marley. Marley's like, while he's spending, you might as well ask him for something else. I got fucked by a pair of Scorts. Oh no. Are they really long too? Oscar's shorts are like

shorts, no. Three like three-quarter. They're like three quarters. They're like long shorts or short longs. We don't know. We've got to pull. The other day he's like, can you do my the string up? I was like, yeah The thing was up here. I was pretty much doing up his drawstring and he's fucking up his chest. And that's probably why he came knife. No know the shoe fell off. It's different. It was a wardrobe malfunction of a different kind. With Oscar we had our first parent teacher interview. Have you had your schedule? You wouldn't know. It's not in the newsletter or?

The awkward silence now, it's really starting to make me feel weird. I'm trying Ash. I know. I'm doing the great dad. I'm doing the best that I can. You're a great dad and it's the school's fault that you can't get onto the newsletter.

I can't fucking, I can't get in there. I would hate. I can't subscribe. You and I are very different. I would hate. It's like Burgheim nightclub, you can't get in. Do you obviously have the big group chat? I different. I would hate. It's like Burgheim nightclub. You can't get in. Are you on, do you obviously have the big group chat? I gotta, I ignore that.

Oh man, I was like, Ash has left immediately before I even saw red one message. People were asking you about lunch boxes and I was like, too hot. Too hot, okay. Parent teacher, have you been scheduled in for you? Yeah, I had it last week. You had your thumb?

Yeah, me too, yeah. It's quick, do you think? I suppose it's the end of term now. Fucking hell life goes fast. Oh man. It does go quick. I'm like, you're nearly 40. Sorry. I had to get me. Yeah, I'm gonna have to get you. I don't know if Oscar was like this. Marley was really in it was it was me Laura Marley was there and Marley's teacher and Marley was being really silly like in front of the teacher yeah she was like she was like nervous silly well she was just being like I'm like bum bum wee wee in front of the teacher I was like what do you shut up and then I was like my you know, you gotta behave and then she was like smacking me in the face She was you know when sometimes in in front of other people she was being super silly very I was embarrassed

Very, I was embarrassed. I was like, that was... I was embarrassed. We didn't take Oscar. Yeah, I feel like they're better without. Yeah. I mean, no one wants to hear what someone has to say about you in front of you to someone else. Yeah, it was a light touch.

It was like, yeah. It was like, here's a picture that she drew. Yeah, and you're like, what's this shit? What do they say about Oscar? He's good. Apparently he's really, I don't know where, who this kid is. Let's put it this way.

I don't know who this, he's really kind. He's SCR, isn't he? SRC. SRC, fuck I was close. He's really, apparently he's really kind. He's really helpful. He's really, he's like, really like picks up things really fast. That's not Oscar. I like really like picks up things really fast.

That's not Oscar. I've been assaulted by Oscar. You tried to kidnap Oscar. He's a violent young man. You tried to kidnap him. Yeah, he psycho punched me in the face. He wailed on you. He wailed. If anything, you should be embarrassed about that. Because he beat the shit out of you. Fair. Fair.

Yeah, so like all in all, really, really good. Except except like classic my son does get distracted easily. I was like, yeah, that makes total sense. But otherwise really good. But I felt like the whole thing was like really daunting even for us. Like I'm nervous. What's a teacher like? They, so there's two teachers. They do a job share for the first time because the regular teachers on long service.

Right. And one of them was heavily pregnant. I'm talking like about that the pop belt like she's got just finishes up this week, she's gonna give birth to a child. And then the both lovely, but I felt like it was the first time experiencing that, like as was for you. But April, I both felt like it was nerve wracking for some reason. I don't know why everything was fine. Thank God. But like, I I can imagine like if you've got like a quite a naughty kid it would be pretty daunting.

Oh yeah it'd be awful. Or if they were struggling. Do you know what? I was really really nervous until I had to sit in one of those kids chairs and I thought this is all silly. Yeah you're like your knees are up by your ears. Yeah I felt like I was getting in trouble. I was like, oh shit. And then I was like, this is a bit silly, sitting on this chair. I don't know if the teacher listens to this podcast, but after five minutes, I was struggling to stay focused. There you go.

Now, my teacher actually has a little thing for Matty J. I gifted the school some books for book fair. Did you give him a calendar? I thought that was inappropriate. But actually, just on the calendar really quick, I went and dropped Macy off at her kindy, and one of the teachers came up and said, Laurel's got one of your calendars in the staff room.

She was gifted it for Christmas. Oh, Laurel was. She was like, oh, I love Matty J. And I was like, yeah, he's all right. He only made it to regionals. But yeah, you've got a big fan over there. Thank you. Maybe I should come to the next parent teacher. Just me and you two gay dads. Yeah. How is Macy, by the way,

Macy's good. Macy has learned to toilet train herself somehow. I don't know how. Just one day she was like, I'm finished. And I was like, okay, good. Time, I was like, time to change a nappy. Walk in and she's sitting on the toilet. Hmm. Hmm. How old is she again? She's three and a bit. Okay, that's like prime potty training. But I didn't, I feel like.

She's watching Oscar, dude. Is that what it is? Oscar is now parenting your other child. Well that. He's the man of the house. He can start paying for shit then. It's like for God's sake. But like I felt like I didn't, but like both of my kids,

I don't even think about like, I didn't have to do any real toilet training. Like what, like what, other than going, do you need to wee? We should wee. Yeah, I think Lola would always watch Marley and she'd be like, I wanna do that. Like I wanna experience that ride.

Achievable goal. Of being in the toilet. So Lola was pretty easy, even now. I don't know if Macy's like this. Lola, whenever she's doing a little activity, she locks into it to the point where she, she pushes the needle very far when it comes to like knitting to we. So she'll be coloring something in and she won't want to finish it.

She won't want to go to the toilet until she's finished coloring in. And then she's like, ah, Oscar still does that. He would be like, he would like drawing and he's like, I'm like, we hold it under your dick for me. I go until it appears to be like, OK, I'll be right back. And he sprints it off. But Macy's doing, obviously just all of a sudden doing shits on the toilet. Right, and then I'll be like. Still wiping though, right?

No, she's bang on wiping now. She's wiping. And I'm like, what is going on? I gotta check, which is. Weird. It's so weird, just like, be like, come here, let me check your asshole. What's a fucking weird thing? No, it is, it's weird weird just like be like come here. Let me check your asshole. What's a fucking weird thing?

It is it's weird when you come in there, and you're like alright time for the asshole inspection Sometimes lol is like I finished it. I'm like let me have a check. Oh my god. There's shit everywhere Yeah, yeah, it's like when you used to when you're a kid and they get a drop of paint put it in a piece of paper and Like did you wipe and Lola's like yeah, yeah And I'm like god you need help and I'm waiting to go into the bathroom and just see shit on the side of the fucking Toilet. Oh, yeah, just waiting for it. But she does this quirky thing where she'll be like, daddy, and I'm like, yeah, she's like, can you get me a book?

And then I walked in and she was like, I didn't at this time, I didn't know that she was on the toilet and I walked past the toilet doors wide open and I was like, do do do do do look to my right and then she's like, I was like, do do do do do. Look to my right and then she's like, boom! I was in a book and I was like, what the hell is this? Can she read? No!

And then I was like, what do you have the book for? And she goes, helps me relax. And I was like. Reading the financial times. And then she was like, anyway. And she does this weird, she's got this weird walk at the moment where it's like real smug, like the diaper on the shirts. By the way, shirts are available to you at dad.com. the moment where it's like real smug, like the diaper on the shirts. By the way, shirtsrevaluable, toodadanddad.com.

Like that where it's like, she struts off down the hallway. Like she's just successfully backed a massive turd out. What is she reading in the toilet? Oh, just whatever book she can get a hand on, really. Good on her. Good on you. That's great. That's great parenting. Kick and go. Take full... I love how you're like, I don't know who's doing it. April's there like blood, sweat and tears,

making sure that- Sleeves rolled up. And you're like, she's just done it herself. Shout out to April. Shout out to April. I'm shocked. Did you ask April? I'd prefer not to know.

Ha ha ha. Ash, we would normally do lies, but I'm gonna rest lies for this week. Is that a lie? Okay. Oh, gotcha! Gotcha, we're gonna rest lies. Okay.

We're gonna bring back lies next week. We are, are we? But a little reminder that if you do have any lies, we want really obscure ones. You know, the crazier the better, send them through to us. But we're gonna jump straight into listening to questions. Ash, what precious thing. You. That is beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. Next question. but we're going to jump straight into listening to questions. Ash, what precious thing? That is beautiful.

Thank you. Next question. What precious thing did you or your kids destroy? This is off the back of just a little mention, a little nod to your dad destroying the art piece last week. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. I do have something for this as well. Please. I hate to always flash back but I... Can I just say don't you dare apologize for hating a flashback because I love them. Well let's go right back. How old? Say also about Oscar's age. I lived in Narrabin in

a what they call an asbestos house. It's funny because I live in an asbestos house now. So I've gone full circle. They say close the circle. Here we are. And my dad's quite an avid surfer. And when we were kids, we were all coming back from somewhere.

I think it was like, it must've been a weekend because no one was working, no one was at school. We had one family car. We weren't very well off off and I remember we did a surf check on the way home from wherever we were Mm-hmm, and I recall dad being like it's good. Got to get these kids home. Yeah, so that he can he can go So we drove home and had quite a long driveway up the side of the house that on the left side was a fence that was um like it just like a timber fence and it's it was not the pretty side of the timber fence you know there's a an ugly side it was the other side because we'll pour someone else pay for the fence okay

and i recall us driving up the driveway and getting out of the car. It is, I will say it is quite a flex to have a fence on the nice side. Yeah, what's your fence situation? It's definitely nice. You're a nice fence guy. Look, it is the nice side. On both sides of the house? Yeah.

Oh, wow. I know. Sorry. Must be very nice. So I don of the house? Yeah. Oh wow. I know. Sorry. Must be very nice. So I don't know what it feels, I'm trying to relate to your story but I just thought I can't. No I didn't get it.

I didn't get it. Makes me feel poor. Anyway so we've gone up, I'm on the passenger side behind mum in my chair. Anyway so we've all gotten out of the car and I was so, so, so young. So there's like, the memory is not completely clear of what happened. It's hazy.

It's hazy right now. But anyway, we've all gotten out of the car, dad's put his board in the car and gone to reverse back down the driveway. And I don't know if you recall, on the poor side of the fence is where the posts are. Yes. To keep the poor side of the fence is where the posts are. Yes. To keep the structural integrity of said fence.

And the back door on the passenger side, which was my side, had been slightly left open. And he had reversed down the driveway, hence ripping the car door off. Oh. Yeah. Expensive exercise. So think about this. Think a four door car with three doors and a big hole

where the fourth door is meant to be. And how is the fence? Fence? Well built. Perfect. Yeah. The poor side, the rich person there, I was like, not my rich side of the fence.

It was perfectly fine from what I recall but it did it did rip the car door clean off however, mm-hmm My as you can imagine my dad was a rope because there's two things have happened here He's missed the surf. Yeah, which is probably the thing is most upset about in the end and The cars missing a door our only car that we have that's dad's source of getting to work. And I think at the time he had like three jobs. Cause he worked in sales.

Not at this time. Okay, so I apologize. This was not, this is pre-sales rep days. No need to yell. Okay, I won't. I refuse not to. He had a couple of different jobs in different areas. But anyway, he was really ropa about it and he was ropa about it for years. It was the sort of thing where

they bring it back up all the time. Can I just can I just confirm for one second? Yes. Was it your fault? Like was it? Were you in the process? Was it too, cause I'm imagining right now that everything's happening really quickly. Your dad's like, get out of the fucking car. I've gotta go, gotta go. Maybe it'll happen too quick. You didn't get a chance.

You're grade two. You're grade two, you're like seven. Yeah, so it was on my side, my door, hence my fault. Okay, so I've, no, no, no, no. Let me finish the story. Please. Then we can ask questions. Okay. So it was, I copped the story. Please. And then we can ask questions. Okay.

So it was, I copped the blame because that's my door. That's unfair. Sorry. It's not unfair. I don't think it's unfair to, it's an assumption. That's what that is. Whether it's unfair or not. He assumed, he assumed.

They all assumed, everyone's assumed. If you're the driver, you check the doors before you drive. For years, it was brought up. Always, always brought up for so long. Okay. Come on. Thank you. Let go now. All the way until teenage years where it was continually brought up to be, it went from being like, how

pissed off they were about it, and how much it cost them in the end to it being like an embarrassing story like people I should ruin the family did this somewhere around my 16th birthday you didn't ruin the family ash but I you chose to ignore that's okay oh I missed it so that's okay around my 16th birthday an admission of someone admitted to actually doing it. My sister. So back then, my sister has opened the door. Old sister. Yes.

Got out on that side with me, left the door open. Wow. It ripped off. She pointed the finger at me. 15 years or something. No, not that long. I'm going to say 12 years, something like that. 10, 12 years had gone by of her keeping her mouth shut, enjoying me being brought up for years and years and years.

So she just stood there watching you get beaten pretty much. Smacked up. Early teenage hood where she has finally said it was me. What was the trigger point for her admitting? I can't remember. Just the guilt was too much. I think that the guilt got to her eventually and it might've got to the point where I would-

You would hold onto that to your deathbed really. Yeah. Like you would expect like if she was about to go, she'd be like, by the way, the guard dog was me. Yeah, fully What is happening? I was unsure like what why she wanted to clear a conscience? I'm not sure it was I mean We're still talking this is 15 years ago that she cleared a conscience and I was like I remember First I remember for so long it was like I because the car was fucking ruined pretty much like it was an old car anyway and it was like I was always the kid in the family who

who ruined the car my sister could never do any wrong it shaped the rest of my childhood I reckon because it was like I remember when you fucked the car up yeah piece of shit yeah you're nothing shit not my parents spoke to me like that my mother yeah yeah wow but yeah so long. And my sister would do the, oh, they're like, yeah, remember that? And then eventually, like I said. How's your relationship now with your sister? It's great. We're great. We're great friends until I get her back eventually. But yeah, it's a scarring moment. But that was the precious item that I had ruined of my parents.

I'm so sorry you had to experience that. It's like those stories of the person who was incorrectly charged with murder and they spend their whole life in prison. That's exactly how I felt. I felt like I was incarcerated. An innocent man. Yes. I felt like it was in the movie, the hurricane.

No. Okay, let me just give you the gist of the page and really quick It's quite a long movie about a car door that gets broken. It's about a car door that gets right now It's about a boxer who gets framed for a murder a long time ago And there was a really famous song called the hurricane To me right now I'm getting nothing but one word screaming into my vision.

What do you mean? Hollywood movie. Imagine making a blockbuster movie out of me ruining the car door. I think this is, this has got, I mean, I think screenwriters would be salivating right now. For years I lived in shame. Yes.

I lived, I was suppressed. Yes. For years in my own family home. You're betrayed. I was betrayed by my own flesh and blood. I have never been able to trust ever again. Anyone, anyone. Wow.

The sight of a car door, it sends me spiralling. Yeah, every time you shut a car door, flashbacks. Yeah, now I'm like. Every time you see a fence. Anytime someone wheezes about me slamming their door, I'm like, well, you gotta be sure. You gotta be careful and you gotta be sure. This has gotta be made into a movie, surely.

We should do it. We know a stunt man. It'll rival the, was it Hurricane based on'll rival the hurricane based on a true story. It is a true story. But there you go. And there was a 10 minute song. Then there was it. This is the story of the hurricane.

But a boom boom. This is a story of a car door. Did did did. And what how does it go again? Jess, can you get that song out really quick? How does it go again? How does it go again? Who would play me? They could do like a young version of yourself.

Up and coming young actor to play me. That's what I want. Okay. Okay. And then the teenage version of me don't make him look as awkward as I did as a teenager. I want like a nice pristine teenager. I'll do it. Okay. The pristine teenager. Can we?

That's a bit much. Very Harvey Weinstein of you. That's what I was going for. There's two things that I originally said that in my mind. I didn't break anything. Actually I did break a few things. Just 24 other women's hearts on the bachelor. Shut up. Jesus.

A couple things. I will note we ended up having our neighbors. It wasn't like a mountain bike. It was like a cruiser bike. Jesus. A couple things, just I will note, we ended up having our neighbors, it wasn't like a mountain bike, it was like a cruiser bike, did a few jumps on it. Sick. I was very bad, I used to love riding bikes,

but I would always like try and hit jumps, fall off. You gotta hit jumps, man. You gotta hit the jumps. What's the point of having a bike if you're not hitting jump? Well said. Sick. So broke the bike. My dad

This is like really young. My dad had these machetes Okay, what's his name? Ivan? That he had bought where he was working in Papua New Guinea They were like these like carved machetes. They were like again very hazy. This is when I'm Let's hope so that's like sick. So when you do get questioned about the machetes. They were like, again, very hazy. This is when I'm- Tom, let's hope so. That's like six. So when you do get questioned about the machetes. And I remember they were like not machetes you would use. They were machetes that would be like on a mantelpiece,

on display. In a psychopath's house. Yes. Okay. And I have this memory with my oldest sister or brother where we took the machetes. We went down into the backyard. There was a big rock, and we would then smash the rock with the machete

and it made little sparks. And we were like, how cool is this? We're making fire. And we just like bashed the hell out of the machete until they were all like dented in from the rock because we like making sparks. And then we just put them back until my dad came home and was like, what the fuck is this?

Oh. Okay. You've ruined the man's hobby pretty much. His prized possessions. Do we know what they cost though? No, I don't. But they were priceless. Yeah. Why do kids do dumb shit like that? Then I will just say as well, last thing,

this one is etched into my mind. We used to have a ride on lawnmower. Must be nice. Shut up. And I used to to have a ride on lawnmower. That's been nice. Shout out. And I used to really love the ride on lawnmower. It's very slow, but we had at one point a little slope and- And to hit the jumps on that too? Well, I got the hose out and where it like

was in a bit of an incline, I wet it. So all the grass was like real greasy. And then I would hit it at pace and then turn. And drift. And do a bit of a... Sick! That is good. And then I did that a number of times

until I kind of went faster and faster and sharper and sharper until I ended up rolling the ride on lawnmower down the hill. And it ended up upside down. Luckily, I didn't have the blades on. And I jumped off the ride on lawnmower. lower down the hill and ended up upside down. Luckily I didn't have the blades on and I jumped off the right on lawnmower so I was not crushed. So you like full action movie jump.

It was action packed. And then you're like that was sick let's do it again. And then I was like I couldn't I couldn't lift I couldn't correct the lawnmower. It was done. And I think I just left home. I just my mum was away and my dad was coming home and I was like, well. That's it for me. Yeah.

See you guys. Backed my backpack, hopped on a bus and I went to a mates house. At least weren't falsely accused. Oh. Matt, I've got a question for you. I know we're not really in the, you know, we did last week talk about Christmas and the guy that had the fucking Christmas music on. Yes.

But in terms of gift giving, birthdays, birthdays are, they do happen throughout the year. I am aware of that. Actually. Sorry, I didn't mean to. Just a reminder. I did remind you about Laura's birthday the other day. Yes. When's your birthday again?

I'm not telling you because you forget every year and you're like, what, July 7th? July 6th. You're April, you're coming up. I'm gonna message April. You're the worst. What are the worst, are you listening? What are the worst presents you can give a child?

Whether it's birthday, Christmas, regardless, just presents. Top three, give me your top three worst. I'm gonna start with number three, a karaoke machine. That was my number two. I just think they're like, they're a nightmare. Well, I told that story that I got one from my mother-in-law and I hid it and the kids never asked about it ever again.

You'll play with it for a day, a week at the most and then you got you got to bury that. That's one day it was gone. I literally it was boxing day and I'm like, pardon this. There is one thing that kids do not need. It's a piece of equipment to amplify their voice. You might as well give them a drum kit. Yes. Like say, for anyone out there. Don't give karaoke machines to kids. No, no good one. What's your do you want to do? What's your number three? My number three is hot wheels tracks. I thought that would be a great gift. In theory. Yeah. When I first had Oscar, I was like, Oh, he'll

love Hot Wheels track. But there's a couple things with them. The firstly is the Hot Wheels cars get left on the ground and in the dark, if they're flipped upside down, you get a couple of plastic sharp wheels and oh man, they you know, people talk about stepping on blocks, step on a Hot Wheels car, bro. Oh, my God. That's one thing. And the other thing is, and it might just be my kid, the frustration because the car never makes it to the end of the track, or the track bits get lost, or he'll be like, I'm going to do this track and it's going to work.

And because they don't understand physics at that age, neither do I. But I know what's kind of going to work and what's not going to work. The frustration just, I just end up, I've hidden them. I've got a box full of them and I've hidden them because it's the worst. My second, my number two on my list, slime. That is bad. Slime is just like, if there is one, if anyone brings in slime into this household within seconds, I'm putting that in the fucking bin. I'm gonna hide slime throughout your house.

Because it just, like it gets everywhere, it gets on the carpet, it gets in the kid's hair. It stinks. It stinks. That smell. It like, it just ends up everywhere and then it dries hard, it's hard to get off. How would you define that smell?

It's like a- Chemical. Chemical synthetic rubbery concoction. It's nuclear. That's a very good word for it. It's nuclear. It's essentially bringing in nuclear waste into a household.

Totally, and usually because it's slime and it's meant to be appealing to kids, it's bright colored. And the kids don't get it, like they don't know how to play with it. Okay, they don't know how it works. How does slime work? It's like, what are you trying to achieve with slime?

It's like giving a big thing a chewing gum. Like it just end up fucking everywhere and. No need for it. There should be, hey, there's an election coming up. One thing that I want to have as a rule, legislation, ban slime. Full stop. Full stop? Yeah, there's a rule, legislation, ban slime. Full stop. Full stop.

Yeah, there's a whole aisle dedicated to slime in like some shops. The slime shop. Now number two for me, do you know what I hate? Again in theory, it's like this would be cool, Oscar's gonna love this, kids are gonna love it. Anything remote control drives me fucking wild. Okay.

I think the first time that you get given a remote control car for your kid does, and you're in charge of setting it up, it's like the novelty wears off real quick before it's like annoying. They usually make annoying sounds. The batteries never last that long. Batteries are expensive now. And then there's the meltdown when you don't have the appropriate batteries. And I just think you're setting the parent up there for a lot of failures after you've given the initial cool looking gift of the rally car and also he's like, fuck, that's sick.

And then he crashes into something and it breaks and he's like, oh, I need to do one. Oh, fuck, I know. I didn't know that. Thank, that's very- Anything remote control. Keep it simple. Okay need to do one. Oh, fuck, I know. I didn't know that. Thank, that's very, I don't know. Anything remote control. Keep it simple. Okay, my number one. Yep, go.

My number one, melted bead kits. Oh, is it? Yeah. You know, the ones where you have like a triangle shape. They'll iron it. And then you put the beads on and you iron it. Like, it's so delicate. It's so near and I I can barely Finish a shape and trying to get a toddler not toddler that my kids aren't toddlers. Sorry

I apologize to try and get my child under the age of 10 to complete that like it's just It's essentially it becomes a point where you're just playing with it. I'm doing the work I'm doing and the beads end up fucking everywhere. There's a moment. We don't we you're ironing in like Do it choices have I made in life for this to be what I'm doing I can't tell you in those those cupboards down there how many times I've gone to get something out like a Charger and then I've hit the bead bowl and beads of bloody a hole and then I've hit the bead bowl and beads are bloody over. The bead bowl.

It's a nice, when the kids are like, can we play with the beads? It's, ah. To the bead bowl. It's just, it's awful. It's a shit, yeah. It's guaranteed to end up in tears. The kids are frustrated, they're annoyed.

And then like when you do iron it, then they're like, they're not happy with it. It's just no beads. I'm gonna give you my number one now. Please. And I received this from my sister, the one who blamed me for the car thing. So thanks Beth.

A kazoo. Go on. So a kazoo is a small mouth whistle sort of thing that goes. Is it kind of like they had the World Cup. That's a vuvuzela. Vuvuzela. It's like a mini vuvuzela. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Sorry, baby Vuvuzela is a kazoo. It's evolution. The evolution of life. Oh fuck, where are we going? Where am I going with this? Let me continue though.

My child, Oscar, was two. For his second birthday, got him, it's like a metal kazoo. And the problem is with a kazoo is it doesn't just, it's like a harmonica. Also part of the Vuvuzela family. It's actually the distant cousin of the kazoo. It's a wind instrument much like the trumpet. Anyway, I'm sorry, we could go on all day. With a harmonica you can blow out and you can suck in. And it makes noise. Same with the kazoo. But it's more annoying. It's like...

Oh man, if we could insert a kazoo here, Jess, that'd be great. I like to have fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. I like to sing, dance, pretend, and kazoo. Kazoo! Kazoo! Kazoo! Just kazoo it! But she bought him a kazoo for his second birthday. But the problem with- For his second birthday?

Yeah, but she did it from on purpose you know why she did it asshole to annoy the shit out of me yeah and a week later i was like this fucking kazoo get come i've got to get rid of it but the problem is i kept throwing it away and it kept reappearing you know how like just you like it was i thought i threw this away it was a cursed kazoo it was like a boomerang not related to the gazoo. Just to clarify. Just to clarify, that's more of a hobby. Please.

Throwing hobby. No wind instrument with the... It just kept turning back up and I think it was crushed. It was all... It continued to make noise and all would happen is at like six o'clock in the morning, Oscar would like wake up and I'd hear this in my own personal hell so if you're listening to this list do not buy unless you really

hate them a kazoo a kazoo for a child also the Vizella lumped that in there nothing nothing in the related Any wind related instrument, please. Unless they're talented at it. I remember my dad- Which no kid is talented at that age. My dad got a harmonica. My dad plays guitar and he wanted to play guitar

and harmonica at the same time, which I don't know if you've seen the contraption that that is. Goes over your neck and it holds the- Bob Dylan, yeah. Yeah. Very good reference. Thank you. Timili Shamil. Yeah, yeah yeah very good reference thank you Timmy Timmy Shamil yeah very very good you see no no and he got a

harmonica I remember my sister we hated it we all hated it but I think he knew what he was doing as well do I just live in a family full of fucking evil people yes where he would just be like eventually we had to hide it from him. He was a fully grown man. We had to hide. Talk about full circle. I'm going full circle. Again. I'm cursed by wind related instruments. And on that note, it's been a pleasure. It's been a joy. If you have any listener questions please submit them to us either on social media to doting dads Instagram Facebook tick-tock give us your list We want to know your list of toys that you should just or things you just shouldn't get a child weapons. Don't get weapons. No machetes

Wouldn't recommend it. They'll end up end up damaged or they'll kill each other. Just don't get in like a zoo And if you've enjoyed this episode Please leave a review. Subscribe, send to a friend, whatever you like, or you can join us on socials. Two Dating Dads on Instagram, TikTok. And of course, I said that before. I just, I said that.

I've already said the social media. I'm just going to throw a lot of trauma these days bro. You need to repeat things. I said it so that... And if you want to let us review, subscribe, comment. Very good. Let us know, that's yeah. Hey. I said it so and if you want to let us a review subscribe comment very good let us know that's yeah hey we'll get out of here is anything else I think that's it see you guys next week bye

you are with another man how's it going I can't remember. He was in the army. He drove tanks. Goodbye my lover. It was it again. You were with another man. Hang on, I'll think of it later. It's not your best. Not do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do

Well said. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.