Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #144 Why Does Everything Hurt?

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

Is it just me, or am I hurtling towards middle age?  Ash is all backed up this week and scares Macy in the process. He also recalls #1002 of his not-so-fantastic moments that involved seeing a friend for the first time since she fell pregnant. Matty J takes little Marlie-Mae for a bike ride around town and shows her how easily it is to fall into the trap of a miscommunication...  Plus, we let you Par-RANT, a segment where Matty J and Ash listen to your parent rants.  We also answer your questions:  How do you introduce your children to their new sibling? What's the lamest injury you've ever received?  BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Got some exciting news. Oh, good. You know, there's coffees that we ordered. And they spilt. He's done it again. Guess who got them for free. Victory is ours. Can they reheat mine?

It's cold. I hope that doesn't go back to the delivery driver. And for the record, they were spilt. There's a quarter or less left. Oh, it was like not even a small spill. It was a puddle of coffee. How did he make it? He nearly didn't make it a puddle of coffee. How did he make it? He nearly didn't make it here with that paper bat.

How did that make it? Did he say anything to you when he handed over the delivery? Yeah. He was like, quick, say hello. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I happen to be Matty J. And I happen to be Ash. And this happens to be a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad.

And the relatable. And if you've come for advice, just like for the love of God, stop. For the 142nd time we do not give advice. I don't know how many times I need to keep saying this. I know people will probably like is this what's happened is this legal matter for real? Yes it is very serious. We can't take it on a scandal. No that's out of the way. This morning I spooked Macy accidentally I didn't line her up to spook her like I usually do. You don't do any? I mean do you see me scare Laura? Oh yeah I did see that. Was it like that? No this was accidental.

For the record got a lot of hate for scaring my pregnant wife. Oh she was fine. She pissed herself but whatever. Oh my god yeah I can imagine like people being like, the fetus. The fetus was probably like, what the hell is going on out there? I remember when I worked in a timber yard once, we had a possum in the roof and it got spooked so hard once that it had miscarriage. It spat out a little baby on top. What? What do you mean? I don't know, it was like a fetus. Don't tell me that.

Sorry. Stop scaring my wife. Nah, you're right. She's a human. It's not a possum. Right. Unless she is a possum and we don't know. It was like a fetus. Don't tell me that. Sorry. Stop scaring my wife. Nah, you're right. She's a human. It's not possible. Right. Unless she is a possible. We don't know. OK, so I spooked Macy this morning. It was a complete and utter accident.

April had to take off to do a meeting. So I was with Macy this morning for an hour before I had to come here. And I was like, OK, I need to. I wasn't ready for the day at all. So I needed to shit. And... As you... How do you say... Ah shit.

I have feces, leave my body. Yes, aggressively, I would say, with a big, big strong push. Anyway, I did that, and then I went into the shower, but I left the door open because Macy was just in the lounge room, I just wanted her to be able to access me if she needed anything. Because I'm just- That is good parenting. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Unless she walks in slips over and there's bad parenting. But-

Is she ever like, was the toilet door open? Yep. Is she ever like, what's that smell? Nah. Nah. Okay. She's used to it. She's used to it. The whole house stinks. Doesn't matter. And I'm in the shower. The whole house stinks, doesn't matter. And I'm in the shower, as we're going, and I stupidly put the smoke detector

in the hallway outside of the bathroom. You've done this. Yeah, and I didn't know, and all of a sudden the smoke alarm's gone off and I'm like. Oh, he's having a steamy one. There. I'm like, oh, here you are. Oh, no.

And I was like, oh fuck, that going to scare the shit out of Macy. And I like come, I like turn the shower off and go out of the shower to like wave for towel in front of her. And by the time I come out, Macy's just like running up the hallway. Oh, what is that? Just like fully spooked. And I was just like, it's a smoke alarm. It's just like, get it, get it.

Get it out of the house. I don't get it out of the house. It's just going whee whee whee. And she was like, she's just getting real real. What was your dog doing? Oh, she was hiding in the corner. She hates it too. If Oscar was there, it would have been a whole debacle because he's, we've got him before

with it and he's just like, he like will we'll walk past the smoke detectors and be like, don't you go off? Anyways, she's every time he goes to bed, I'm watching. Yeah. She's frantic in the hallway. I'm butt naked in the hallway, waving my towel. My junk's probably flopping up and down.

You didn't have the tradies on the roof next door again. No, no, it's too wet for that. And I'm flopping around like this. Anyway. I'm waving at Macy's getting real worked up and then it just stops. And we both stop and look at each other and she was like, she just looked at me and goes, walks off and I was like, a second ago you were like,

the house is burning down. Question. Yeah. Does she ever look at your? Dick and balls. Yeah, is she ever like, what's that? Like are you, how? It's more of like, whoa!

No. That's huge. It's funny because she, April loves, I mean, April loves it. Maisie, she, every morning she showers with April when she gets home from the gym. She's like, I want to come! And like gets in. And then I had a shower the other day and she came in and it was like her head is like

perfect cock and ball height. And I was like, okay, get out. This is, you're too old for this now. This is high risk. Yeah, this is high risk. And it was like, it was Oscar, it's fine. Cause he's like, watch me wee! And then, you know, boys are very different.

But I'll never experienced that. Oh, Oh well do you know what I'll do? I'll let you shower with Oscar. Yeah she never really I don't think she's really. Can we joke about that? Yeah we can. She does say she did say and it was really really funny um her and Oscar were gonna hammock up when we're on the Gold Coast my friends gonna hammock on the balcony. They were in it together, facing each other. And like the feet were both out and Maisie goes, stop it, you're kicking me in the nuts. And I was like, oh yeah. That is not right.

Yes. I don't want to dob in which relative this is. One of my nieces. I don't have that many. But she was over recently, we were looking after her. Chaz. Chaz, isn't it? No.

And I was in the toilet and the door was kind of half ajar. She was like, just hands on the door and peaking in. And I was like, go on, like get out, Chaz. I'm like, ha! Ha ha ha! Come on in! Take a big breath in. Like, come on, like get out, Chad's coming. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Come on in!

Take a big breath in. Shhh! No, I was like, get out of here. Come on, you don't want to see that. And she was like, can I see it? And I was like, no. What is happening here? And I was like, no, you, you know,

that's my private parts. I had to explain. She's like, not that, you goose. I want to see the shit you just dropped off. Ash. But have you ever had another child, no, terrible, sorry. This is, this is bad.

Let's move on. Let's move right along. Let's move, I have a question for you actually because school has gone back. Yeah. It's term two and our term two for our kids is the term two of their whole life. It's the first time. Has Marley received any assignments?

Yeah. Okay. At the moment she's really, it's hard to get information from her. Okay. I was going, what did you learn? She's, she and also I picked her up and her teacher who's so great, she's lovely. She was like, just a reminder that the task for this week

is, then she explained the task. And I was kind of in the, like, I was, you know, parked in a bad spot. That's another story. We're gonna do that later in the episode. But I had to just, I just wanted to grab and go. And she explained to me what I had to do and by when. And I got in the car and I was like, oh crap.

School's for losers. So she does have homework. I think she has to write a story. Or no, she has to draw a picture of an animal. That's as much as I know. Good start. Well, then, but then just quickly, when I dropped her off this morning,

she was like, where's my picture? And I was like, what picture? She's like the picture of the animal. She did it with Laura. And I was like, why are you asking me? It's your assignment. And she's like, did you put it in my bag? And I was like, I don't know.

Probably not. No, you definitely didn't. Like it's far. These kids are a nightmare. It's attached to the fridge over there. Well, what have you got? Oscar had an oral presentation to do. Okay.

Yes. Like a speech. Yeah. I hope so. And it was due the first week of term. The first day back, pretty much. First day back. She had to do it over the holidays.

Yeah. But I we didn't know this until like a couple of days out when I was going through the bag again to make sure that there's a hat in there. There's a jumper in there. Was his lunchbox still in the bag? No, no, that's my lunch. That's my bag. From when I was a kid, I did that all the time. My mom hated it. She's like, Oh, Oscar's got a oral presentation to do. And it was sort of like on a subject of their choice.

It's for a minute long. And I'm in it for, I know your school's crazy. What is this Cambridge? Fuck me. Anyway, so my five year old goes to Harvard and it was like, Oh, you can have it on whatever and, uh, we agreed that, uh that it would be on the Manly Seagulls. So Oscar gave it one. We agreed or?

I agreed and forced. I enforced it. No, only because we happened to be collecting the NRL cards, the trading cards. Oscar loves them. Again? We? Me.

Where do you collect them from? You can get them from the post office. Great, okay. Yeah, I've got a dealer. Yeah. Just quickly, what's a packet worth? Four bucks. I think that's very reasonable.

Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, considering like Pokemon's like 15 bucks at the moment. Bloody markets are fluctuating. When we were having the conversation, he had the manly ones of all his favorite players up. So he's like, I want to talk about my favorite player. Anyway, we were like, okay, whatever, you know, take the card. They're allowed to have visual aids.

And anyway, so first day, drop him off. And then we completely forgot about it. Like April and I were like, oh, fuck, I don't know. And then I think close to bedtime, we were like, did you do your oral presentation today? He's like, yeah. I was like, oh, do your oral presentation today? It's like, yeah. I was like, oh, how did it go? And he was like, yeah, yeah, good. Kai likes the tigers.

And I was like, who's talking about, like you meant to be talking about? He was like, yeah, yeah. Me and Kai Lewis did it ourselves, like together. And I was like- Was it a joint? No. I've just decided to-

What's Kyle doing? Kyle, sit back down. Well, I think they were just a bit scared to get up alone. Well, did he practice it? Not with me, he didn't. Because I was like, you're good. I was like, you're good with these, set these cards, and you're right, Durell.

And he's like, yeah, I'm just going to talk about each and every player. And like, to be honest, he can pick them all out. And I'm like, you know you've got to make it last like a minute, right? It's a long time. He was like, how long's a minute? I'm like, oh god. And then I was like, after long is a minute? I'm like, oh god. And then I was like, after it was all said and done and like, he obviously lost the trading cards because kids are kids and they take them out of the, I was like, don't take them out of the bag

other than it's for the speech. And he was like, I don't know where they are anymore. Anyway, at the end of it, I was like, it's a bit, isn't it a bit young to be doing like an oral assignment? What a hundred percent? I think, I mean, I'm not a teacher. That's child abuse, dude. That's what I was thinking. I'm questioning that, the ethics of your school. Well maybe they just want to give them some confidence. Yeah, but it's like, do you want your kid to swim? Yeah, you're not going to throw him in the fucking ocean. You're going to put him in the kiddie pool first. Whereas with Oscar, it's like, and his students in his class.

Well, I think they're probably like, maybe like the minute was like that no longer than a minute. Maybe that was, I didn't really read the thing because I'm me. I never read anything. Maybe it was like, you can't go over a minute. And they were like, just come in and show. Maybe it was like a show and tell. Maybe it was show and tell. We're talking this up to be an oral presentation.

But on the thing, it said oral presentation. And I was like, where do I sign up? That's how it grows. But yeah, I was like, this is way too young. But like we have been given homework and stuff over the course of term one and forgotten to do pretty much all of it. Yeah, we're at the homework stage

and it's really hard. What we struggle with Ash is she's in the afterschool care until like quarter to five. When I pick her up, get home, she's tired, we have dinner, go to bed, there's no time for the homework. up, get home, she's tired. We have dinner, get in bed. There's no time for the homework. No, there is no time for that. Not at that age, no way.

I don't remember having homework at that age. And after dinner, I'm like, do you want to read this book? And she's like, ah, I've had a heck of a day. Fuck off. Literally. But the thing that's really, the thing that I'm finding really difficult at the moment,

very frustrating is the fact that we talked about school uniforms, talked about the cost that we're currently incurring and she's just losing jumper after jumper after jumper. It's a jumper massacre. Yeah. Oscar for some reason refuses to wear his jumper. Like it's not cool enough. He's not, you know, there's always that kid who doesn't matter how cold it got. They never wore a jumper.

He's one of them. Yeah. He's one of those kids. He's not cold blooded. That's for sure. He's definitely warm blooded. Like he doesn't need it. But he's like- There's a guy called Ian.

He came from Melbourne, which made a lot of sense. He never wore a jumper. Ian? Yeah. Ian in my school. Oh, he was made a lot of sense. He never wore a jumper. Ian? Yeah, Ian in my school. Oh, he was just like the one kid who doesn't wear a jumper. Yeah, that's Oscar. Yeah, I don't know. Because he's like, if we're riding the bike down, it's cold.

You got to wear it on the bike. And he's like, God, I'm not asking you to solve world hunger. Dude, you're blessed. Having a child that doesn't wear a jumper. One less thing to lose. It's a miracle. Did you get that hat back? Which hat?

Didn't she lose a hat? She's lost three hats. We keep gaining hats. Dude, send Oscar this way. Oscar's just like a mate, he's just picking shit up. Marley, even she came home without her jumper, but her cousin's jumper, which is like three sizes too big. So I was like, call my sister.

I'm like, somehow Marley's got your daughter's jumper. And so then I sent her to school with two jumpers. She came back with three. She came back with none. And I was like, where are your jumpers? And she's like, what are you talking about? You're like, close. And she's like, so close.

And I'm like, how, okay, where do you put your jumpers when you take them off? And she's like, I don't know. And then I was like, listen, listen, jumpers are really expensive. When you take it off, need you to I need you to put it into your bag. And then she was like, would you just stop harassing me about the jumpers? If this is bullying, and she starts crying and I'm like, far out. It's funny when we they did

that, you know, the Easter hat parade, but before that, they they make the Easter hats. Did you guys do that at school? So you had to provide what you wanted to decorate it with, but they did it at school. So the instructions were from the school is buy the decorations, give them to the kid, the kid brings them in and they stay in their like pigeonhole until it's time. Okay. Oscar, no dramas.

Lenny, Mike's kid, seemed to be a drama. They sent him to school with the decorations and every day he'd come home with them again. And I'd be at the top of the school path, Fasana, Lenny's mom, and she'd be like, I wonder if he's gonna bring them back. And then you see all the kids running up and then you just see Lily with a Woolie's bag. She's just like, I thought I told you to leave them there. And he's like, I did.

It's like, why do you have them? He's like, I don't know. And then Oscar's like, I told him to leave them as well. This went on for the two weeks leading up to every single day. By the time it got to like the last before the hat parade, they had to actually do it. The Woolies bag was so tattered. It was just like it had literally gone like 5,000 miles

up and down the school track into the cubby hole, out of the cubby hole, back home with them. You just give up, wouldn't you? Like just don't like don't give them to him anymore until like the last day when they're actually... Yeah, I think that's what ended up happening. And they were just like, oh, fuck it. Just put it in his bag on the day off.

But it was two weeks. I remember every time I was at the top and I'm like, here he comes. So funny. Like he's just been shopping. Hey, I've implemented something which I don't want to say is great parenting. But so far it's working wonders. Go on. We had an issue at home.

The fact that our kids love getting out of bed in the middle of the night, always around midnight, one o'clock, coming to our bed. And lately we've had Lola, we've had Marley. And we're just like, this is, it's getting too much. Like she'd be lorbing pregnant. And she's pregnant. I have a pregnant wife right now

and the kids have no regard for that pregnancy. No. They couldn't give a shit. And so we're like, what do we do here? We need to get these kids out of the bed. Can I say? Please. You don't have a very big bed.

It's not a big bed. Get a king. It's a single. Get a king. We just stack one on top of each other. It's just a double. I can't, we're fitting there bro. Also, that's an expensive mattress. Make it fit.

I'm not made of money. I, you're an influencer. I just influence you way into one. That's not that easy. Yeah. Is it? You what? So we were like, you'll have a new bed by the end of this episode. So we have a rule now. The kids, this is not sponsored, love going to Yochi on a Friday after school. Pick them up. Explain to me what Yochi is.

Yochi is just frozen yoghurt with toppings. You can get Nutella, you get sprinkles, you get musk sticks. Can I ask you a more scientific question? Absolutely. Is frozen yoghurt just yoghurt that's frozen? I believe so, yes. Okay. Yeah, I believe so. We love it. People love it.

My mom, Nana hates it. So I could buy a tub of yogurt, freeze it myself. And that would get the same result. I don't know. I've got some Yochi here if you'd like some. No. Okay. Well, kids love it.

They're obsessed and it's like crack for them. And all the kids from school, they go there on a Friday. So it's nice. Okay. Well, kids love it. They're obsessed and they it's like crack for them. And all the kids from school they go there on a Friday. So it's nice. Pick them up. Walk down there. So I was like, listen here you little fuckers. Right before they go to sleep. I was like, we're going to start on a Monday. If you want to get Yoichi on a Friday. Do they know what Monday is? Kind of. It's like we usually start today. Yeah. Just today is Monday. They're like, how many sleeps? And I was like, you need to get five stars. We're going to you just like, I start today. Yeah, start today. Just today is Monday. They're like, how many sleeps? And I was like, you need to get five stars. We're gonna do a little chart.

Five sleeps. Five sleeps. The only way for you to get a star is by spending the whole night in your bed. Love it. What are you, oh, you got it. It's a table. Here we go.

Lola is killing it. Yeah, yeah, Lola's smashing it. She's doing really well. She really wants that Yochi. She is due for a Yochi. Smiley face style. Today is today Yochi day. Today is a Yochi day. I did hear you on the phone talking about Yochi about somewhere else. But now I have a problem Ash. You have another child that doesn't deserve Yochi. Marley's like, mark the Yochi, right? During the week,

I would say to her, she would hop into bed and I'd say, let me just remind you, you have the option right now, is it one in the morning? I'm like, you can go back into your bed and remember if you do that, you'll get a star. The star will go towards the Yochi. If you stay in this bed, you will get no stars, no stars for you this evening. What would you like it to be? And she's like, fuck the Yochi, just let me come to bed for a cuddle. Yeah, she's weighed up the options. She knows what she's going to get more value out of. Smart really. Have you ever thought about this?

Please. Going from the Yochi and saying, OK, if Yochi is not what's going to get it for you, how about we just go all the way and go with ice cream, like gelato. Dude. Same thing? The Yochi, let me just tell you that the position of the Yochi is actually right next to.

And they prefer the Yochi. And they prefer the Yochi. Yochi is actually right next to... And they prefer the Yochi. And they prefer the Yochi. Yochi is hot right now. That's it. I'm investing. It is hot property. Yochi, frozen yogurt, it's cyclical. Sorry? It's cyclical.

What the fuck is that? Like the cycle of the moon, the cycle of the tides, if you will. Or the menstrual cycle. I have been through many cycles of frozen yogurt. I remember five years ago, they were all shutting down. And then it just comes back every few years. And now they're back. I don't know what's happened.

I don't know who's controlling these frozen yogurt markets, but frozen yogurt is back. Cyclical. Cyclical. When do you think it's going to go again? It's got, I think, two years in it, and then it's gone. Two years is good. Three at the most, I think.

I hope not. But now the issue is. Two years is good. Three at the most. Oh. I think. I hope not. But now the issue is, the issue is Ash. Marley's only had, as you can see, two successful nights. Do they have to be in a row? Do you not start again? Well, because what do we do now?

So I pick Marley up from school. Do I give her a Yochi or do I say, I'm sorry, you have to come with me with Lola to get the Yochi? You don't get any Yochi, which will result in a tantrum. Which will end, she'll end up getting it. But then she doesn't learn the lesson. Then all of a sudden. This is what I would call a classic conundrum.

Okay. Lola deserves it, obviously. What would I do? Dig really deep. Tell me, tell me. I would. Give me an insight into how Ash parents. First of all, I get a whiteboard for this.

I didn't ask you to critique the system. I asked you to just answer if Marley is deserving. It makes the system better because, which will help in this situation, because you would have rubbed that off the board and you can be like, look, you've got none. You know what I mean? And you can start again. You can start fresh today, so next week. But now you've got stickers involved on perishable paper.

What I would do. So it's not sustainable. It's not sustainable. It's terrible for the environment. I'm not thinking about the climate. Well, you should be. Is Yochi thinking about the climate? I would say you're in for a meltdown. That's one thing. If you say no, and I would stick to your guns because if you stick to your guns,

you can then go, right, we're going to cross Mali out here, put her down. The next one is this meant to be for the third child that's not here yet. Sleep in your own bed. He's yelling at Laura's tummy. Get in your own bed. Then you can go. God, I'm a silly boy. You cross that out and you go right Marley, you didn't get yochi today because of this. Lola does, but you've got a chance next week to redeem yourself and get that yochi. And you're just gonna have to deal with the meltdown

because you can't fold on that because it's not a whiteboard. Just a classic Friday Harvo. Just push her out in a row and she'll get over it. Why don't you do, oh, why don't you get the, because I always sneak the kids things so the other one doesn't know. So like, for example, if- Because then if I sneak it to Lola then she as soon as pick up Marlowe

She'll be like hey guess what you must doubt on yeah, they do they do do that, but then I just Started calling them lies He's lying But it's more yeah, you're in for a meltdown the old star system a Tail as old as time so another could be, which I do this sometimes, is when, like, for example, the kids are having dinner, and I'm like, okay, look, if you eat all your dinner, there's a treat at the end, right? Similar concept. But I always say, it's one in all in.

So if Oscar eats all his dinner, no one gets anything until Macy's eaten all of hers. So they've got to like cheer each other on. Yeah. Teamwork makes the dream work. So if Lola wakes up and sees Marley walking out of the room in the middle of the night, she'll grab her and be like, get the fuck back to bed. Don't even think about it.

But that couldn't, it might not work with this situation because you don't want an argument in the middle of the night. Right. As long as they argue in their room and not in our room, that's fine. Yeah. Because it's like. It might not work with this situation because you don't want an argument in the middle of the night, right? Those two. As long as they argue in their room and not in our room, that's fine. Yeah, because it's like. If they want to go at each other, yeah. It's like a fight club in the room.

They want to punch on, yeah. Wake up, Mars hogtied in the corner of the room. Yeah, so I would. Are you okay? No! Yeah, you go, yeah. Don't have to think about it. It wouldn't be ideal.

It wouldn't be ideal if you had to walk into that in the middle of the night. I would say this time I would stand your ground. Okay. Well I look forward to the kids having Yochi tonight. Both of them. Extra. Give them extra. Laura's pregnant. We all know this now. It's out there, we know the gender.

But we were talking about how I accidentally mis-grandparented someone, remember? Refresh my memory. So I was at a park with someone and I was like, oh is this your grandchild? They're like, no, this is my child. Remember? That was dumb.

Can we just quickly, for anyone who missed that episode, she was an older parent. She looked like an older parent. And Ash went up to this mother and then spoke to her in a way which... I assumed. Referred to her as being the Nana. Yeah. And look, what a disgusting... I'm only human. It's a bad one. But you asked me if I've accidentally asked someone if they

like accidentally assumed someone was pregnant. Yeah. Now, I didn't do that, but I did something that I'm not proud of. Okay. And I was quite a younger man in this situation. So I was like early 20s. And I was at a friend's house. And he having people over and we'll you over and there was drinks and blah blah blah.

It was like a party. I'm familiar with a party. Okay, so let me just go party to you. Shut up! I'm trying to paint a picture, okay? Don't make fun of me. There were snacks, there were people, there was music playing. I just didn't want you to... Could it well, could it be any type of party?

It's a gathering. It was a funeral, actually. Anyway, a friend of a friend came... You're very funny. Thank you. A friend of a friend came to a park. A friend of a friend came to this party who I haven't seen in a long time.

And she walked in and she was pregnant party who I haven't seen in a long time. And she walked in and she was pregnant. And I didn't know that. And yes, I'm going to regret this. I blurted out. Whoa, you're huge. Oh, my god. How big was she? Twins?

Obviously huge. Big pregnant girl. But I had not. Could she just popped? Or you hadn't seen her for a while? I didn't even know she was pregnant. She was a friend of a friend. But I knew her and she walked in.

You didn't like spit your drink out. I legit did. I was like. But I. Do you know what I was like... But I... Do you know what I would have said if I saw her? What? You look beautiful. Yeah.

Come over here. Take your shoes off. Anyway, I... You are a foot guy. I... Guilty. No, I... I just blurted it out.

I had no control over the situation. You have ADD. I felt horrible afterwards. Also, her husband, still her husband, he was a police officer. And anyway, some time had passed. Like I'm talking months had passed. I have been pulled over for a random breath test. And guess who it is?

The husband. And just in that moment he happened to be breathalyzing me and he was like, remember that time at blah blah blah's party and we walked in? And you fashioned my wife. And I was like, nah, I don't know what you're talking about, right? And he was like, I remember. Don't you worry.

And he sent me on my way. I was just like, oh fuck. But I felt horrible about it. And it was like one of those moments where you're like, fuck, and I have them a lot because I blur shit out all the time. But this was a particularly bad one. Do you know what?

I spent the rest of the party groveling to her as well, like some sort of sad sack. I don't know. Groveling over her feet. Yeah, he was like, oh, she's fat again. I was like, no, I just kept saying things like, you're not that big. And I was like, can I get you a drink?

She's like, she's pregnant. I was like, damn it, I can't win this one. But I was, you know, I don't think I'd ever been around a pregnant person at that point. I think when you look at a situation like this, you have to look at the intent. And I think, you know, credit to you,

you felt bad afterwards. There was no intent to offend. No, there's no malice. And you know, sometimes good people make bad decisions. I'm a good person. Yes. Oh my God. Can we snip that up, Jess, please?

I'd love to keep that for later on. I think it's fine. Can I ask you, just on a side note? I know recently we spoke about the fact that I find Laura attractive. When April was pregnant with Oscar and Macy, how did you view her? Didn't expect you to think about it. I was trying to remember. I don't think I changed. Holy shit, you're massive! I was like, wow! Every time she walks in a room, I was like,

I just played this music over and over every time she walks in a room. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. No, I don't think my feelings changed about it at all. I would say that I was the same level of attractive. There wasn't a stage where I was like, you're unattractive. Another question for you. was the same level of attractive. There wasn't a stage where I was like, you're unattractive, okay. Another question for you.

Did you go through a phase whilst April was pregnant where she had a heightened sexual appetite? Yeah, I would say I was slightly heightened. Yeah, you're really thinking about it. I'm trying to remember. I remember there was one Australia day long weekend. April was very pregnant. Go on.

Oscar or Macy? I think it was Oscar. Yeah. Yeah, because we wouldn't have left Macy or Oscar behind to go, yeah. And it was a good trip because of the heightened libido of my life at the time. Yeah, actually I do recall that specifically

that weekend, but I'm not gonna sit here and be like, she couldn't keep her hands off me. Especially when I'm saying things like, wow! Like, explain them here. But yeah, I would say my, that my feelings and everything around that time were at the same. I didn't, I didn't. I don't know if it's a real thing people keep messaging me being like has Laura had that little That little window where she gets super frisky, you know, I was like Not yet. No, I don't think we will it happen. Is it coming? It's like people just DM you pictures of their bellies now Kidding kidding. What about they get like a little hairy

snail trial? You've seen those like the really pregnant ladies and it because it's obviously I don't I don't see that ash. What I see is someone said in a comment and I was like, that's perfect. It's like an artist stepping back and admiring their work. Yeah. It's like a builder, a builder looking back at the Eiffel

Tower and being like, I created that. You just step back, bring out a level. Perfect. It's plum. It's plum. Anyway, I felt like I needed to tell you that because it helps me close the circle of my traumas to be able to talk about how I fat shamed a pregnant lady accidentally. I thought I thought when you told me there was a scenario with someone who was pregnant,

I thought you were going to tell me that you were like, when's it due? And she's like, when's what due? No, thank God. Have you done that? No. Thank heavens. I don't think so. See, you are a good guy. Deep, deep, deep down. Matt, should we go into Perrant? Yes. It's time for Perrant. I said it like you did. Perrant. Perrant. We do have to

apologise for the fact that we've been teasing an intro jingle for this segment for a very long time and it hasn't happened. It will. We keep running out of time. We had a long lunch today. We did have a long lunch today. And we are, we have no one to blame but ourselves, but it'll happen next week. Next week.

Promise. Next week. Promise it'll happen. This one comes from Angela. Thank you, Angela, for writing in. Huge thanks. Promise. Next week. Promise it'll happen. This one comes from Angela. Thank you, Angela, for writing in. Huge thanks. Huge, huge thank yous. She says, and it's very short, but punchy,

what's the deal? No, it's what's the deal with school drop-offs? Absolute carnage. It's a nightmare. It is a nightmare. I feel like it's been a nightmare for decades. Also, we have to take a moment and just think about all the parents who have kids in Kindy, where it's not just drop and go. It's like a drop, walk in.

It's a debacle. Hand over. I don't know, you guys still walking in? No, only this week because it was the first week back and it was raining. Nothing really aligned for him and he was just a bit. How many car parks do you have outside your school? Well, we don't we've got like I'll try and explain it as best as possible. Oh god is a This is a visual. No, this is an audio medium. Very good. Thank you. So they've got Car parks like proper ones which which are curb to rear to curb. Yeah.

And then they've got like a separate section, which is just like curb side drop off. Oh, they've got like the two tier. Yeah, but the problem is at the top there of the school is a kindergarten as well, like separate, like a only about children, whatever they call it. So that you're competing with that too. Yeah. a kindergarten as well, like separate, like a only about children, whatever they call it. So you're competing with that too. Yeah. But the street itself, really narrow,

and people try and go up and turn around and come back, and it is chaos. Thankfully, I ride the bike most of the time, but when you drive, you've got to give yourself an extra 20 minutes. There's got to be some level of exemption. At my school, I don't know if yours is the same, but at our school, they always have pretty much,

I'd say like three or four out of the five days of the week for drop-offs in the morning and for pick-up in the afternoon. They have parking inspectors hovering. Yeah, we've got one. Give me a break. It's a two minute. It's a two minute. It's a two minute drop-off usually. Yeah. Yeah, we've got one. Give me a break. It's a two minute, it's a two minute. It's a two minute drop off usually. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, but like also,

if I saw a parking inspector being like, okay, let me just time you right now. I'd be like, fuck off. Come on, man. Come on. You walk my kid down. Don't get the hard working, tired, exhausted parents. Like we're doing our best.

We're hanging on by a thread. Get the people who are fucking down at the beach and parking there for hours on end. Like they're the real criminals. You know, there should be, it should be agreed that schools are just, if you're parking for like hours in a no stopping zone, I get it.

You know, but come on. I think like you're right, Especially if it's like a drop and go situation. It's like, okay, we'll give some room for you to be able to actually get out of the car, walk them the 30 or 40 feet or whatever it might be so they're comfortable. But there would be and you know that there would be parents at whatever school it is who's like, enforcing be quicker.

There'd be those people out there. And if you are that fucking person, pull your fucking head in would ya? Have a good hard look at yourself. Have a good hard stern look at yourself in the mirror and ask if you're fighting the good fight or not. Cause you're not. Cause you're absolutely not.

And it's like people who. You're gonna one day wake up and realize that, actually I don't wanna attack him too much. I'll just get after him. You know who you are. You're going to have the guilt of knowing that you're on the wrong side of history. Yeah, totally. Because like I feel like there would be those parents that would write to the school going, this number plate, this number plate, this number plate. They parked for five minutes instead of two minutes. If that's you, you're the fucking worst person that exists.

We did have at my primary school, we did have a system, which it wasn't ideal for like, when you had to take your child inside the school grounds, but it was like, there was like a holding pen almost of cars where then they would get sent in one by one to do like, like stop kiss, store, open go. Yeah. Okay. And it was like explained. It was like a no thing.

There was, there was a very thorough process. And so you could funnel through a really high volume of cars. That is outstanding. Yeah. I think the, I think the principal was German. He was very like methodical and how he planned. I'll try not to do a high five. It's like there's got to be something. There's got to be something.

I think I feel like in general as a human population, we neglect our parking situation a lot. Around schools. Especially around schools. But for example, I'm thinking this is much bigger than just schools. Especially around schools, but for example. Oh, you think, what do you think? I'm thinking, this is much bigger than just schools. This is the bigger deal. For example, I went to Movie World

and you went to Movie World too. Did you have to park there? I did, correct. It is a debacle. I got there early. Like they never heard of storied car parks up there. It's just like one big fucking field. Yeah, and are you parking literally like. I don't mind. My shoes were muddy before I even got to the park.

I was like, well, I got to fucking turn around now and go home. It's stack them up. Anyway, do you think schools could stack them up too? What do you mean? Like have like a, as like a park, like a mall situation. Well, I, no. No, you couldn't do that. No, we got to get moving.

Oh shit, sorry. Okay. Anyway, good that. No we've got to get moving. Oh shit sorry. Okay anyway good rant and there needs to be a solution. This is from Anna. She says, hey sorry hello Anna, apologize. As a mother of three under three, god send help she says, absolutely. If we knew where you were we would. Enough said on this rant. I want to share a pair rant that I'm particularly passionate about. Sing it sister. Why the F? Just swear, I know it's fine. I'll still do it for you.

Why the F? Aren't all parks fully fenced? Question mark. Very good question. I just want to sit and have a coffee while my kids run amok without fear of them running onto the road or going for a swim. Yeah, because most parks have ponds. While we're at it, all parks- What?

What do you mean? Most parks have ponds. While we're at it, all parks... What? What do you mean? Most parks have ponds? In Bondi maybe. I don't know, we don't have any ponds in our parks. You got ponds? Are there fish in there? Well, at Centennial Park they do. Oh, fuck! Shut up. While we're at it, all parks should have a coffee van. I feel like most do. I'm. Hang on. You've got ponds and coffee vans. What's next? Foot rubs. Why are you all about the feet today? So I'm just trying to wrap my head around these parks you're going to. They have a cover charge?

No, I just think you're picking out the parks. Obviously you want to go somewhere that has the facilities to cater to your needs. So you go into a park knowing that there's a cafe close by. Okay. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. But I start Anna. Enough about the feet.

I agree. Fence in the parks. Yeah, I think that's I think it should be mandatory. Like you fence a pool, you fence around your house. Yeah, you fence around your house, you fence everything. They fence them in at school now. Might as well fence them in a little park.

Make everything into a prison. Why not? Listen to questions. Yes, let's go into listen to questions. We've got a couple here, Ash. Okay, let's rattle these off. I've got the first one here from Amanda. She asks, how do you introduce your children

to their new sibling? Very good question, very good. When we had Macy in the hospital that we had Macy in, during, because it was a planned C-section, we were there for a couple of days after, for recovery for April. But they have a class all about this and they have an expert in there giving you tips.

Like what do they say, like get the blanket from a newborn baby? I don't know, I didn't listen. No, it was like, it was a lot around not. Attention. Attention. I didn't want to say neglecting because that's. That's criminal. Call the police. It's more like filling the other child's cup.

And one of the tips that we got was, that was a bit cheeky, was when you give your eldest child a cuddle, don't be the first to let go. So for example, I cuddle you, not again. You're compliant for the cuddle. There's consent. So can I have a cuddle? Yes, not. Come here.

And you hold on until they go, oh, mom, like mom. Because it's like, then they go, but we do it. And my kids are so clingy. It's like, that's like, why are we going to let go? For fuck's sake. Especially with April and Oscar. Oscar's like, April's like, oh, can't give me a cuddle. And then it's like, okay, she might like release

and he's like latched on to her arm. And he's like, oh, well this is us for the rest of the day then. I was like, so that was one of the tips that back, well didn't backfire, just my kids are too clingy. But- I never heard that, thank you. There's a whole class.

Thank you. There's a whole class. So when you have your third, just hug the other ones for as long as you can. There he is. I'm just precious. Next question. Hope that answers your question, Amanda.

Okay, I have, this is from anonymous. Matt, what's the lamest injury you've ever got? Talking domestic. Look, you get to a certain age, now that I'm itching towards 40 there, I said it. You don't look a day over 30. You are, thank you. You are also in that bracket. No. You are. I am not. You don't look at that over 30. You are, thank you. You are also in that bracket.

No. You are. And once you get to this age, injuries all of a sudden, you know, they're not reserved for situations where you're like, you know, having a car crash, like pulling off a bike. All the cool stuff. All the cool stuff that'll kill you.

It becomes so much easier to attain an injury. Oh, so many. I've just gotten over one recently. I mean, the big one, you know, is like you sleep in a weird position, you wake up and you can't move your neck. But I had a scenario where I went for a swim in the ocean. And as I sometimes like to do, I give a flick.

Because you've got hair. I've got a bit of hair. Yeah, so I just. You were trying to be hot. Never. You're like, delf. And so I got out of the water and I gave a flick. I've got a bit of hair. Yeah, so I just. You were trying to be hot, weren't you? Never. You're like, DILF. And so I got out of the water and I gave a flick

and went, oh! Oh yeah. And I was like, help! Help me please! I was almost on Bondi Rescue. And ambulance comes in, what's wrong with you? I flicked my beautiful luscious hair

and now my neck hurts. It's a back injury. You can never be too. You can never be too short. Never too careful. Did you lay down, like like put you on the board and roll you. They roll you on one side, put the board under and roll you back. It lasted for a good five days until I got complete movement back. I've been on Panadol like every single day. Seen the physio every day. Yeah like what happened? I was just like nothing. Just old man neck. Got attacked by a bear.

I have one which I'm not proud of at all. Okay, I'll set the scene for you. Okay, I'll be quick because I know you've got time constraints. Constraints? I'll be really quick. So, I was when Macy was just born and we were living in a complex where the car park for the complex is in the middle and it's wrapped around with buildings. Okay, so I've gone via KFC and picked up a zinger box

for myself. Okay? It's in the passenger seat. I get home, I park in this car park and I lean over to get the KFC, throw my back out. I'm stuck in... This is not made. I'm not making this up at all. So, you know, I threw my back out. I'm stuck in this position. I can't move. Okay. Frozen. Frozen, if you will.

Very, very good. Anyway, I thankfully have Bluetooth. So I've managed to Bluetooth call April who's got Macy and Macy only. And it echoes through the buildings, the phone ringing in the Bluetooth. Okay. And I go on, can you come and help me out of the car? I've thrown my back out trying to get KFC off the passenger seat and April just bursts into tears laughing and it's echoing throughout the whole thing. At this point, people have come out onto their balconies. To look at the commotion. To look at the commotion and April runs out,

baby in hand, she's breastfeeding, okay, to try and help me. To try and help me out of the car. Anyway, so she's had to, she was like, just let go of the KFC. And I was like, oh, you're right. And then I backed out. Anyway, for the next week, I was flat on my back with my,

I slept on the floor with my legs up on the couch. All because of a Zinger box that I desperately needed. It was worth it. It was delicious. And it was cold. I was like, quick, get me inside, it's going cold. Ha ha ha. Getting old sucks.

Ha ha ha. God. To anyone out there who's under the age of 30, inside is going cold. Getting old sucks. Anyone out there who's under the age of 30, savor every second. No, no sudden twists. Yeah, before you know it, you'll be as pathetic as me and Ash. But do you know now what I do is if I ever have anything in the passenger seat, I actually get out, walk around. I've learned my lesson, especially as food. I'm like, I don't need that heat again.

What are you training for? Nothing? Well, I've... Ash. Yes. If any listeners have any questions, if there's something, a topic they would like us to give our opinion on, or they have a parent,

parent, parent. Where should they send it to? They could send it to Ains. Two Doting Dads. Or TikTok. Two Doting Dads. Or Facebook. Two Doting Dads.

Or hello at twodotingdads.com. Very well said. Thank you. And if you've enjoyed this episode or any episode of Two Doting Dads, we love it. We love it so much. It fills our cup. Share it with a friend. If you share it with a friend.

Or subscribe if you haven't already. And lastly, just give a review a few stars, a couple of comments. For God's sake, don't give a number of stars a comment. When I see there's been a new review and there's no comment, God it annoys me. Big dick teeth. Just give it to me now. But until next time, stay safe. I feel like I'm Joe Springer. Stay safe. What does he say? Stay safe. Okay. All right. See you. Bye. To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.