Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #147 There's A Flaw In The System

Episode Date: May 27, 2025

Two Doting Dads dedicate this episode to those affected by suicide. Please know that no matter how hard it is, Ash will tell you it always gets better.   If you, or anyone you know, is going through a tough time, please call  Lifeline 13 11 14 Ash has received a bit of Karma this week from the pet parents.  Matty J tackles Marlie-Mae's Oral Exam the night before it's due and let's just say, we're worried about how she went...  Plus, we let you Par-RANT, a segment where Matty J and Ash listen to your parent rants.  We also answer your questions:  When was the last time you had a fight with your partner? Top 3 things you swore you never would do before becoming a parent...that you do now.  BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I've been cursed. Go on. Last week I gave a lot of shit to some pet parents. Yeah, you go hard on them. Really got them good. What happened? I don't know what the record is for times in one day stepping in dogshit, but I think I've broken the record.

What was it? Six. Six. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Jay and I'm Ash and this is a podcast all about parenting it is the good it is the bad and the relatable if you come for advice sorry none none none except maybe don't shit on pet parents because your dog were here mmm and she was like you neglected me was it your shit the dog shit not my shit I'm not shitting out in the lawn anymore I was just doing some stuff around the house and I was like... April shit. Okay, anyway, so I was doing some stuff around the house. April was like, oi! Giving me a taste of my own medicine. I like it. I like it. Okay, I was like, doing stuff around the house with

slides on. You know how I do, like my slides. You do love slides. I had a pair of slides going, stepped in dog shit at the front. Ironically, I was scooping up dog shit and stepped in dog shit. And then I was like, oh fuck, wash the bottom of those shoes, put them in the sun for them to dry, dog poo free, that's a tongue twister.

And then I put some other slides on, walked around the side of the house, boom, straight into another poo. How many slides have you got? Six. Must be nice. Then I put my vans on because Oscar was like hey can you kick the footy with me? I was like yeah but don't go up that end. And the vans are the worst because they've got such deep crevasses. Well said. Thank you. Well said, they're perfect. Whoever at vans was like let's put this on the bottom of the shoe. Someone's like why? They're like because you can't

get dog shit out of there. Make them five centimeters deep. Gotta get your fingernail in there. Anyway, this continued. The three shoe rotation all day. Oh, we're going more. Well, that was three. There we go, keep going.

And then. Are you gonna tell me every single one? No, I'm not. But it just rotated, so I kept having to wash my shoes and put them in the sun. The one sunny day, which was Saturday, and I figured the only time I would have been go outside, I've stepped into dog poo six times.

It must be calmer. I'm sorry. I stand by it. Pet dogs are the worst. Don't you just, you're gonna get fucking shat on tomorrow because of that. Worth it. Hey, before we go into our normal episode,

obviously we want to make this a space where we sit down, we have a laugh and we're very lighthearted. Before we go into a normal episode, I do just want to give it to a nod to some recent news that came out. I'm sure people would have seen it. There was two brothers, Adam and Troy. Sadly, both of whom have now passed away as a result of suicide. I don't know if it's just myself.

I don't know if you're in a similar position, but it just feels like the last four months for me, in addition to high profile individuals like Troy and Adam, there's been a lot of suicides amongst men. Yeah, I feel like we only really, as a society, jump on the back of it when someone in the spotlight happens to, but it happens so, so regularly to everyone, like in terms of friends, family, you know,

day to day, week to week, the statistics are crazy, right? Yeah, and for me at the moment, it's been about every three weeks, there's been someone else that I've known, not super close, but friends of friends, people who are in our community have decided to end their own life. All have been young men around their mid to late 30s.

I don't know what the fuck is happening. It is really scary. And one of the harder things as well is one of my friends whose brother passed away and I was thinking to myself it's been a while since I'd spoken to them and I thought I don't want to reach out and say I'm sorry about the news and then that be a reminder of the situation they were facing. Yeah it's sort of one of those you don't want to be like hey sorry you lost this person they're like like a pylon you don't want it to be like a, sorry, you lost this person. They're like, like a pylon.

You don't want it to be like a pylon of emotion. Yeah. And if you were, you know, it's, it's, if, if you're having a moment where it's not at the forefront of your mind and someone raises the topic and all of a sudden you're thinking about it again and then you're thinking about it, you're on that phone call.

I don't want to be the trigger for that. I ended up speaking to them over the phone and I said, like, I'm, I'm really sorry about the passing. And they were like, it's really hard because when it's suicide, you don't want to talk about it. People don't want to bring it up. It's the elephant in the room. You know, if it was something like cancer or a car crash,

it would be much easier for others to bring up, but they hold back. So it is really isolating for friends and family. The thing I really struggle about is when someone does decide to take their own lives, how they're able to do that, knowing that they're leaving behind loved ones, especially their kids. Yeah, just because you're a parent and a husband, it doesn't make you immune to life's problems. But it's, yeah, it's, it makes it all

that bit harder, I suppose it's always going to be hard for whoever is involved in his community and what, you know, but to leave two young kids and a wife behind is tragic. And I think like, yeah, what could have been done to maybe, you know, alleviate that happening to him, of course, and to his wife and his kids, it's just tragic. And both of them as well, both had wives and kids. And it's like. It's devastating.

It's hard to watch, hard to. Can I ask you? Yeah, sure. As someone who has had their own struggles with mental health, in those moments where you were at your lowest, the thoughts of your children and your wife, are they enough to pull you out?

Yeah, so I mean, I've sort of struggled with my mental health for a long time really. I think I became prevalent when I started to have kids. And at that time it was a different dark. It was a really, it was a really tough time. I was at a newborn, we weren't getting any sleep. I couldn't see any positives in anything.

And that was that time there. And I thankfully, I started to realize what was happening. My wife started to realize what was happening and lent an ear and I started to feel a little bit of relief of the pressure. You might be in that darkest of darks, but there is a way out there if you're willing to open up to it or someone's willing to give you

the opportunity to open up to it. It's not a one and done situation, no way. It was a really long arduous battle. But when I sort of got to the end of that battle and look back at how those thoughts were impacting my mind, but those thoughts physically impacting out towards the people I love, what that would have actually done. And then I've sort of spent my whole parenthood sort of facing those demons here and there, and there's always gonna be ups and downs. And there is, like I said, there are ways out of it.

And when I started to fall into that darkness again, when I'm gonna say maybe 12 months ago around that time, we were doing this podcast, I started to fall into that darkness again when, I'm gonna say maybe 12 months ago around that time, we were doing this podcast, everything was running really, really great. I was successful as you call it, but mentally I wasn't. And it was a different sort of darkness, but to get out of that,

I found that I had two young kids now. And I remember very vividly, and I'd spoken to it about this on another podcast before, that when I started to have those really, really dark thoughts as one person that popped into my brain, and I can't imagine Oscar without me, and that saved my life, there was a time where I was trying to escape him.

And now I was using him to give me motivation, to seek help and talk to someone. And it can be so, I remember the first time I ever sort of was vulnerable with April about this stuff back in 2020 or something. And I was a novice at this, right? The first time you fall into this dark hole, you think you're completely alone

and you're there for the first time. And then you're like, I don't know how to do it. But I just remember having a conversation with April about it. I opened up just a little bit at that time. I was still really scared to talk about how, that I wanted to escape her and I wanted to escape my son. It was, I felt embarrassed, but she just gave me the space to say it.

And it was like a pressure valve. And then it was like, she didn't pressure me to continue, but she just gave me the space when I needed it to tell her how I'm feeling. And slowly it snowballed into the confidence to seek a professional help. And I see a therapist now once a fortnight. Okay, I've maintained, you know, not that sort of consistency,

but I know this year where it was struggling with, you know, why my brain does certain things and my neuro pathways and all sorts of stuff, I found myself having those thoughts again, where it was the world would be better without me and it's not, you know what I mean? And for guys like these two guys who are athletes, they're ex athletes, they're sort of moving

into the second part of their life, which is not an athlete, ex-athlete, and into fatherhood and parenthood and navigating what's next, which must be really, really hard. But my message to that person is, that is gonna be hard, but it's harder for your family to operate without you.

So have a, take a second and just talk to someone, you know, like, and if you're the husband, the wife or a friend, an uncle, anyone, whoever it is, and you can see someone struggling. I used to walk around this house with a smile on my face, but I wasn't happy. And I would, you know, and some people would be able to pick up on that. But if you're the closest person, someone you could could pick up something's not right, just say, talk to me and just shut your mouth and let them talk. And like April did, do it in a way

where you're listening with no judgment. Yeah, I think it got to a point where, and I've said this before, that in that situation, she also had some mental demons and she was getting better and I was getting worse. And she just pointed out something really obvious and it really gave me an opportunity to think about what I could do or how I can make myself feel better.

And for these guys that are going into their 40s and their second part of life and not knowing and losing their identity as an athlete, I can imagine that it would be really, really hard. But be honest, be open. I mean, there's- The moment you think that you're not doing okay, it's so important to speak up.

If you are struggling or you're not feeling your best or you feel hopeless or you feel like the world will be better without you. Just please know that it gets better. It 100% gets better and you look back at it and you learn from it and then next time you start to feel bad, you'll have the tools because your brain knows it's there. So don't neglect your mental health for fuck's sake. It's not worth it.

Amen. Well said. Either open your mouth to someone or if you see someone that's struggling, open your ears up. Don't provide a solution. Just provide an ear. Anyone else out there who wants help and is struggling to find someone to reach out to, we will put in the show notes some great organizations that are a perfect place to start those conversations. Yeah, I'm doing some work with Lifeline now. We'll leave that number in the show notes. So please use the number if you're not feeling okay or

send me a message if you want. Send me a message on Facebook, Instagram, whatever you like. I'll be happy to hear from you. In the past, we spoke about Oscar having an oral presentation on Manly Seagulls at school. Has he had another one? Has he had a follow up? No. No, they're doing, at the moment they're doing this, a parent comes in and reads with them all. So April did it on Monday where she went down to the school,

like later in the afternoon, she read to the class with Oscar and two other boys. Oh, I don't wanna do that. I know, but I think- Marley turns into an asshole when I'm around. But you gotta build their confidence, Matt. And that's what I think it's there for. Okay, so I had our second task.

We had the first oral presentation on an animal. I recall. It was Buster, three-legged dog, shout out to Buster. He's like, whoop. Yeah, he's like, really? We did a follow-up presentation. Oh! The task was, task was a place or location that is special to you.

Okay. What did you go with? Okay. And it could be like anywhere, right? Could be like a destination. What do I feel like is going to be very obscure? It was a low hanging fruit. Okay. So the issue we had was right from the get-go because she was like, I want it to be the house. And I was like, how are you going to make that interesting?

Do you mean home? Home. Home. And I was like, what's a funny story of something that's happened at this location? And I was like... Nothing funny ever happens around here. Right? I was like, what have we got to fucking pick?

Like, what have we got? Okay, Marley, think about something because you can't write down these speeches. They have to memorize it. Oh, wow. Do they know she's like six? But it's three points. OK, three points. You need a hook.

Think of it as a social video. You might not know this, OK, but I live in Bondi. That was a hook. OK. I was like, that's very good. But but also in Bondi. That was the hook. Okay. And I was like that's... Very good. But also... I'm hooked. Everyone lives in Bondi, goes to the school because it's in the catchment. But anyway, forget about that. But I was like, okay, Marley, so remember that.

You might not know I live in Bondi. Take it away. And she'd be like, you really should maybe know. And we practiced and practiced and practiced. I couldn't get the hook and I was like, that's fine, leave the hook. Funny story, what do you want to make up? And she's like, funny story, the cat sleeps in my bed.

And I was like, boom. Bingo. Fantastic. Yep. And what do you love about the house? And she's like, I love that Nana lives in the house. Oh, that's lovely. I was like, great, great, great, great.

So I was like, let's practice this speech. Okay, go. Come on, be right on me. I didn't want to film it because I didn't, I was like sitting down and I was like, okay, Prank, take it away, my like, go. And she's like, sometimes when there's a cat and Raspberry is in the house and when I'm at the house

there's also my Nana and I was like, this is good. Trying to be encouraging. But I was panicking. I was like, this is shit. I was like Simon Cowell on the couch being like, you can do better. And I was starting to get a bit worried. And also I did leave at kind of last minute. It was like the night before. They've had it for a week.

Standard. But I was like, went to my mom and I was like, is this, are all kids this bad? And she was like, absolutely. Oh yeah, yeah. If you try and get Oscar to like repeat anything. Oh my God, man. But then he'll be like, we'll drive past something.

And what did he say the other day? Just like the memory. And it's unbelievable what they will remember and what they won't remember. It's like, don't forget to grab your shoes. Okay, completely forget to grab your shoes. I'm like, okay, Oscar Manley vs. Sharks last year round 14. He's like, 2018. Like what? And he'd be like, who scored? It's like, okay, all right. Did Marley listen to a song once and she knows all the words. I'm like, where the fuck is your jumper? And she's like, I don't know. She's like, she's lost another jumper. Oh my goodness.

At least it's reassuring to know. I was like, oh my God, this oral presentation is awful. And she's got no jumper on, what the hell's going on? Yeah, look, I'm waiting for the next oral presentation to be presented to Oscar. He is an SRC member. Oh, that's right. The other day he was like, we had an SRC today.

I was like, oh yeah, how'd you go? And he goes, I didn't. I was like, what? He was like, no, I had lunch instead. I was like, that's the spirit. Politics at its finest. Matthew. Yes.

I had been traveling a little bit, as you know, the last couple of weeks, just with bits and bobs, bits and jobs and stuff like that. Very busy. Very busy boy, boy. I recently took some advice from you about farting on an aeroplane. Hey, you just let them rip.

Just do it. But I only do that internationally. I've got a line, I've drawn the line. Yeah, what, like, if someone's home, who is it? Ellie? Laura? What a surprise! What a pleasant surprise! Hello darling!

What on earth? I didn't expect you to still be here. Yeah, it's a bit late. I'm terribly sorry everyone, as you know. You're not, you're not. Yeah, she's got to get on the mic. I'm terribly sorry, I'm pulling up a chair and I'm like, put the mic on. She grabs the mic.

Yeah, she's like, Ash, get out of my house. Take your pants off and get out of my house, Ash. Bye, I love you! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!

Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! pull up a chair, I was like, put the mic on. She's like, Ash, get out of my house. Take your pants off and get out of my house, Ash. Bye, I love you. What a pleasant surprise. Anyway, so I draw the line where on domestic flights I hold. For what reason? It's only an hour. Usually.

Why is that? I don't know. If anything I thought like domestic would allow you to like. How dare I show some common courtesy. I was like, okay, okay. I was up in Burley. I had a night out before. I was pretty gassy.

I'm going to be honest. Sorry, Jess. First of all, I want to say sorry, Jess, and I listened to this I listened to this story but I was embarrassed. Anyway so get on this plane. I'm holding in my fart and you know how much that hurts. Oh yeah. Cramps. I think we should stop the podcast. I think we should stop right there. And so I was holding it in. I was holding it in, holding it in.

And every, every 10 minutes that went past, it was getting more and more painful. And I was like, OK, went to get my car. I landed. I've made it. OK. And you've not fought it on the plane. No. Oh, I've held that in for an hour and 20 minutes. What a night. They made up time in the air. And I was like, I park, you know,

I'm going to taste my own medicine here. I parked in the valet. Sorry. Sorry. Hang on. Just I misheard that. So say it again. I parked in the valet. Oh!

It must feel really... There he is. that's I said again I'm parked in the Wow it's the adjoining at the Sydney Airport is an adjoining to the to the departure terminal so you have to leave the building so I'm exactly that's why I didn't want to fart because I was like I'm high society now I better not fart anyway so I'm walking through the terminal and I'm still holding my fart because it's a busy terminal and then I get to the check-in only or you have carry-on just check-in all right so carry on sorry yes yes I don't confuse me like that. Anyway, I went,

I went, gave him the ticket. I'm like, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, bring this car around, bring this car around. You could go for a walk. I'm standing there. They're talking to me. I'm like, like trying to, I was in pain. I was like, get into the car and I was like, okay, I'm at safe space. I start to drive and like, car parts are the best. I was like, okay I'm at safe space. Car farts are the best. It was like a proper, yeah, woohoo fart moment where I felt like, oh like a rainbow was coming out of my asshole. It was fucking delightful. It's still in the seat I reckon. Sorry, Jeff. Anyway, I pull up to the boom gate and I put the window down and I put the ticket in and nothing happens and before I could do

anything the attendants come around to my open window and I could smell help you with anything. Bam and she she noticed she noticeably went she was like boom. Shit man. Exactly. Exactly. And she was like but she was like My eyes. And then the boom gate went up and I was like, see ya. And a sheepish. The whole time I didn't look at it, no contact.

He's like staring straight ahead. The other reason I saw her go, cause of the rear view mirror, sorry. And that was the last time Ash ever went valet ever again. I will never. When you rock up, they're like, you take it. I'm not taking that guy, you take it. You're that guy

Do you want to feel better? Yeah, so where I used to work lived in London for a while must be nice and In that agency was a marketing agency. It was a hot desk hot desk And so for anyone who doesn't know what a steamy day So you you just picked a desk when you rocked up. It wasn't on Brick Lane or something was it too? Oxford Circus. So you would just, wherever there was a free seat, you'd just grab it. And so, very annoying.

Very annoying. Because you just, you know, you don't. You like your own space. Exactly. So anyway, I get in early, I grab a great seat next to the window. Nice. And so I'm sitting down there, I'm in the corner,

no one's around, I'm in pretty early. So I'm like, and I was like, ooh, that's a bit tangy. Tang. Bit of a tang, and then someone came in, started walking towards me. Oh no. And I was like, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.

And then they come down like my aisle where I'm sitting and they're like, hey man, I just, I left something in the drawer yesterday. And so they had to reach down, like head down to get something out of the drawers. And there would be a cloud of it that caught on the desk too, like a bit of fog. What do you say?

Before they go, it's like, you better not have farted. It's like, oh. I was like, thanks so much. Have a good day. I know. Where I used to work at the timber yard, boys are disgusting. First of all, I'm just going to put this out there completely. We used to call this thing called a dragon, where you'd fart and somehow try and drag one of your employees,

fellow employees into it. So what you would do, for example, is I would be writing down and I'd drop a little fart and I'd be like, oh, Mick, have you seen this? And he would like walk over and he'd be like, I'm like just here and he'd lean down and get called the dragon. And there was this old guy that he was the sort, he was like real old school where he used to, you never knew if he went to the toilet. I used to call him the cat because he would sneak off to the bathroom to do a poo and then no one would hear him or see him. He was like, you know, a cat would just sneak into the kitty litter and then all of a sudden they come back out happy because they've done their shit.

So I used to call him the cat. We used to do this all the time. But he used to- Would he lick himself? Yeah, he did actually. Yeah. And he was like the number one target. He still works there. He worked there for like 35 years. Oh, poor guy. And we were all there and everyone would be- He would fart on him and like hold him down.

And he was so naive and gullible that he would get dragged into these farts. That's bullying. And we used to hold him down and shit on him. We called him the cat. The kitty cat. You know what's happened? Fuck, we talk about shit all the time.

We just can't help ourselves. It's so funny. We're just like, oh, we're human. I know Human anyway, what are your top three farts? I? Just want to give you a quick update we've upgraded on the sticker board we have I did see something up there We have upgraded would you like to show me you've got it on the heat? You were you were very vocal about wanting a whiteboard, which I absolutely acknowledge.

Great shout from you. I chose to ignore it. Well, actually Laura ignored it. This is, it's like a ripoff chart. Magnetic on the back. Beautiful, I like that. That's a nice touch. Just rip it off.

It's kind of like a, oh yeah. Just be careful, be careful. Oh, the stick is a lot of yeah. Just be careful. Be careful. Oh the stick is a lot of... That is current. Although Ash... You can see. Voila.

Although what day are we at now? Wednesday. We're recording something Tuesday. Sorry? What day is it? Today is Tuesday. Oh no, today is Wednesday! Oh my god.

Fucking Jesus. Sorry. Sorry. I apologize. I apologize. Because I was going to say... Yeah. Okay, so hang. Sorry. I apologize. I apologize.

Because I was going to say, yeah. Okay, so hang on. What I'm seeing here, just for the listeners at home, I'm going to give my, what I think, it says reward chart at the top right. Very good reading. Thank you. That could cause some trauma down the track. Yochi. That's the reward I'm guessing. But Tuesday night, what's happened? Oh, someone's missed it. Lola.

That's not like Lola. I have money on Lola being perfect. So there was a flaw. There was a flaw with the system, right? Because we're saying you need to get a full chart. Also, that'd be a really good band name. What's that? Floor with the system. Anyway, go. And moving on. So if they miss one night, they're like,

well, fuck it, I'm out for the week. Oh. Why would I, if I missed Tuesday, why would I bother on Wednesday? Exactly right, yeah. Well, you need to come up with a way to earn it back. Ooh, contingency, I like it. Clean bedroom.

So that gives them. That's the redeeming. Okay, so are you accumulating over the week if you've got five or six? You need five. Okay, so... Okay, right. The system's working, okay, for the record, just in case anyone is wondering, the system is great. It's flawless.

It is perfect. I have had a bit of negativity. Perfect is very subjective, but yes, go. Okay. Just, this is like, I don't want to attack her. Go on. On TikTok, she says, as a child and family therapist. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. Famali.

Did you read that first or you just read? You just saw red, didn't you? What would you know? I'll tell you what you know. Here's the degree. I'd implement a reward that is immediate. So the morning of, maybe she can pick a favorite snack from a snack box for the day.

Having rewards that are potentially five days away is not going to be exciting. Oh, you fucking made her money? Jesus Christ. Well, I would say you're already doing that because kids love stickers. Sticker is the reward. So jokes on you, therapist. Jesus Christ. Well, I would say you're already doing that because kids love stickers. Sticker is the reward.

So jokes on you, therapist. So we make an ordeal. An ordeal, maybe the wrong word. We make a thing. Why don't we do this? What? Why don't we come out with a two-doting dad's reward chart? Oh!

Like this one? Yeah. Yeah. All right, let me- Oh my God, there's stickers at the back. reward chart. Like this one? Yeah yeah. Stickers at the back! I didn't realize. So you've got external stickers on a... you've got third-party stickers on a first-party pad. I had no idea. I just will let you know. Do you not like that idea? I love it. Great idea. Look at the smoke coming off that keyboard damn girl I will I will because some people were also okay other bit of negativity that I got

People were like what happens if the kids need to get to bed and like that They're too afraid to get out of bed because they want to get the sticker Mmm, okay. I think that's stupid. I think it's a bit silly. I think when it comes, if they go into the toilet, they'll get out of bed. I can tell your attitude about people's response on here and we can fix this really easily. Go on. You changed the word negativity to feedback. Okay. How does that work for you? So the feedback says, I already feel better about it. I'm sure what your process is for them knowing when they can get out of bed. But we found a digital clock that changes color at a specific set time, usually green

for go. And that is when they can get up has helped more than you could imagine. Wow, I like that. That's a good that's good feedback. I have heard of something similar like that before. My kids this morning, they've lately they've been waking up. April goes to the gym at five o'clock every morning. She's a workhorse. But the kids now are waking up because they hear her, mainly because I haven't WD40'd the bathroom door and now it's squeaky

and it keeps waking them up. So it's my fault, apparently. And then this morning I could hear them and I could hear one of them going, we should go to daddy's bed. And I was like, stay in your own bed! And then now they're like, can we come in yet? I'm just like, no! Now they've just bypassed my room and they're in the lounge room at five o'clock in the morning with the lights on, the Lego flipping around everywhere. Watching TV.

Yeah, the TV on, it's like, I can't hear it! It's like, bam, Oscar's pouring rice bubbles all over the fucking kitchen floor. It's a shmozzle. We need a reward chart. Yeah, let me work on that, Ash. Whilst that marinades in my head. Marinade away, big guy.

What segment is it? It's Perrant. You don't want sleep regression. You don't want tantrums now. Just tell me, what's your parent? You want more print pocket at the shop? You don't want advice from strangers? Go and tell me, what is your parent?

I didn't hear back the intro song until this morning Jess our producers had the pleasure of editing that one and she said it's terrible. It's pretty bad. So it's perfect It's pretty bad. I thought we were like right on time with the beat. Oh, no What it's a bit Jess have you different backing track? Is it a backing track? She sped us up. Like, what is going on there? She told me that she used AI to make it better. Oh God.

Anyway, anyway, can I go first really quickly? Please. And I want to have a little rant. First, I'm just going to preface this by saying that it's going to be a little story into a rant. I hope that's okay. This morning, okay, this is fresh. Fresh gear.

This morning, kids not listening. Nightmare to get them out of the house. Anyway, we finally get out of the house. We get halfway to school, starts to rain. Now, I've told you my kid's school has quite a long track to get down. I'm already late. Oscar's late for school.

And first of all, I got a little bit of dad guilt here because I had Macy in the car too. I was doing the double drop. And we get to the top and I get out of the car and it's not raining, but it's not sprinkling. It's somewhere in between there. And I'm like to Oscar, you're going to have to walk down in the rain, my guy.

I'm so sorry. Gave him a cuddle. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I immediately, I was like, okay, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I immediately I was like, I sat in the car, in the nice dry car, while Oscar walked in the rain, down the path, and he looked back, gave me a wave, gave me another wave, and he gave a little wave, and I just felt really, I felt fucking horrible. I felt...

Why? Because he had to walk down in the rain. I've just blown up at them at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's feeling like shit, and I was like, oh, fucking whatever. Anyway, I messaged April to say, hey, just so you know, this is what happened. I feel really, really bad. But maybe call and check on him. I didn't get a response.

And then I'm here, get no response, and I get a screenshot from April that say, and I'm going screenshot from April, and I'm going to read it to you from the school. And I want to rant about this specifically. Just keep in mind it's in kindergarten. Dear parents and carers, we are excited to announce that our kindergarten excursion to... Nope, that's the wrong one. Sorry. That couldn't be more perfect. Fuck! Sorry. Oh, I'm a silly man. That's funny. Dear Ms. Wicks, your child, Oscar Wicks, was marked partially absent late on arrival.

What's the time on there? Read it out. Read it out. Late to school at 9.03am. Get fucked. As a part of department policy, we are now required to monitor and attain a reason for all partial attendance, including late arrivals. Surely there's a little buffer.

Right? Okay. And this is my rant. But finally, from the story to the rant. Wait, what time did you wave them off? Not like 9am. Okay, that's late. Yeah, but I would...

It's not the late thing I'm worried about. It's not the late thing I'm going to write. It's not the late thing I'm going to write. It's not the late thing I'm going to write. It's not the late thing I'm going to write. It's not the late thing I'm going to write. It's not the late thing I'm going to write. It's not the late thing I'm worried about, okay? It's not the late thing I'm going to rant about. Our fault. Oscar's fault. Yes.

Okay, really. And then he did dawdle in the rain down there. Because I did say once, don't run in the rain, you'll get more wet. And that was silly. And now he's dawdling in the rain, he gets really wet. Anyway, I think my rant is,

parents have got enough on their plate, okay? It's hard enough to get two kids out of the door on time, get yourself out of the door. Buffer is needed. If it was like 9.30, 10 o'clock, send me that email. But what I'm saying is, give us some buffer. I've already felt guilty about that I'm letting my kid walk down in the rain after yelling

at him at home. And then I get that. And I'm like, this is unbelievable. Give us a break. That is adding insult to injury. Well said. And it's like, there's parents out there and I'm thankfully very lucky that what I do for a job is very flexible unless you're in a bad mood and it's not very flexible.

Excuse me, excuse me. I'm sorry, what? I made that up. It's more Jess. She's the problem. She's the real problem. And then, you know, like parents out there that have got to be at work at certain times and not every, there's not one morning in your house that goes to plan, right? When's the last time? Never. Never. And every other family would be the same where it's like, there's something, there's always fucking something going on that you're going to be late. Give us a break. 903. 905? Sure. No, no, no, no, no.

I reckon 915. 915 onwards, you could say. 910. But for a kindergarten, I think it's, if they were like a year six kid, I'm like, I'm going. You know better. I'm going, I'm going when Oscar gets home, I'm like, where the fuck were you for 15 minutes? You know, like I dropped you off. Now I'm getting the school call me, where were you? Just turn the lights on with the lamp. Where were you? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I had to go through that. I agree with you. I agree with you. You've done a

great job. It's the school that's at fault here. I still, I feel really guilty and I can't wait to get home and give him a cuddle. Ah who probably asleep? No I look I did I felt really really bad I didn't need that and yeah there'd be other parents that are the same because I wasn't the only one and you know like I said people that love that I wasn't the only one yeah someone was later than me. Anyway, that's my rant. Go. Rant away, rant away. This one, Ash, is from Maddie. And she says, Why the fuck do kids sleep late on school days and then get up super early on the weekends?

I wanna snooze. Yes, Maddie. Sing it, sister. No, it's more like they're excited to get up, I think. Yeah. Because April's really guilty of this. I'm going to throw April on the bus. Please.

April goes, it's Friday okay, we have two fun filled family days tomorrow and Sunday. First of all don't over promise because I don't know what I'm going to feel like tomorrow. I could be lazy. I don't know. You don't know. Don't promise the world and hand. I could be lazy. I don't know. You don't know. Don't promise the world and hand an Atlas. That's the first thing you do. But then also they're super excited.

Now they don't want to go to bed on a Friday night and Friday nights are for... Eh? Wing wing. You know what I mean? Ash and April time. Not really. But then it's like, then they go, oh, up at 5am. What are we doing today?

Oh man, I lower the expectation. And I think that's what's happening. This morning, you know what time my kids got out of bed? What time? 7.40. That's the fucking dream. No, they get picked up. My sister takes them to school.

Oh, no. My driver takes them to school. Oh, driver takes them to school. My sister gets here at 8.15. Yeah. So I'm like, get the fuck out of bed. Marley's like what? And I'm like, eat your fucking rice bubbles. They're in Bandula.

Yeah, like shoving milk down their throat. It's an nightmare. Weekends, those things, they're up at 5 o'clock. Give us a break anyway. Let's go on. Who else have I got? Oh, this is from Selena, which is this is a very unique one. It won't be, I suppose, if you have twins, this will might grind your gears. Some might Boil the water, I don't know, whatever. Selena, the twins aren't multiple in the government's eyes, so we get zilch help. What the fuck?

So I think what she means there is in terms of having more kids and you would get help from the government in certain aspects, not sure what she's trying to get. She's like, I just want a new car. How hard is it? But like, because that they're born on the same day, they're considered as one. I mean, we could do our research and look into this, but who has time for that? What good ever came from research, Matthew?

Surely, like, if you're getting like support from the government, you'd get double because you've got twins, no? Because that would say how many kids have you got. Yeah, so like for example, daycare. Yes. Here we go. Daycare. Let me try and define this.

Not define it. Let me try and describe this. Daycare, OK, you get a subsidy. That's a big word for me. Subsidy, right? Yeah. At certain weight brackets and stuff like that for each kid. But they might see the twins as one kid.

Are they Siamese? I'm sorry if they are. I mean, that's what I'm wondering. I'm like, how is this work? What's the conversation Selena's having with the government? Is she like, how dare you not support my Siamese twins? They're like, ma'am. You have one child.

The twins, dammit! They got two hands, god, twice as many mouths. It's like, yeah, I think that's, there's got to be some sort of justice for Selena. What do we want? We don't know. We're not quite sure. Anyway, Selena, really hope you... Can we just also like... Can you update us on that, please?

Give us some more context. Right back to us. Yeah, I like how there's no context because then we can just assume what it could potentially be. We're getting zilch. Surely she's getting something. Surely? Oh, damn. She was like, I had these kids for no goddamn reason.

I mean. Oh, very good. All right, what's next? Okay, I don't care. This one's from Laura. I don't want this to turn into us attacking the parents who are having their rants. I want their rants to be heard. I don't want their rants to be questioned. So far we're just mocking them and I'm on board with that.

Laura says pram parking spaces should be wider, not locking each other out. Sing it sister! Okay, okay, okay. Just like Laura's going to be like, you fucking stop yelling. I know. I'm projecting. But aren't we using the boot of the car for the pram? I think what,

Oh, she wants, sorry. She wants the wider cause it's hard. Cause you've got to get the kids in the Door open wide. Okay. Maneuver child in. Yeah, I get it. I get it.

Okay. Door open. Then you've got an extra obstacle. Okay, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on board. I get it. I get it. Okay, door open. Then you've got an extra obstacle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm on board. I'm on board. Hey, Laura. Your kid's doing Ninja Warrior before he gets in his seat. So I apologize. I thought she wanted to put the pram in the side of the car, but it's so... Wow. When are you putting the pram in the side of the car? That's why I was like, what kind of rant is this? Yeah, it was like, pram goes in the front seat, guys. Put the kid in the boot.

She's got it all wrong. Okay, list the questions. Yes, finally. God. What have we got here? Preeti, what's the last fight, Tiff, if you will, that you had with your beautiful wife, Laura? Good question. Dig deep, because I know you guys never fight. Look, the thing that I did wrong... That was a cheek I don't know you say again I said because I dig deep

because I know you guys really fought fun quite fresh right what language is that I don't know the last fight we had last what we had was yesterday oh yeah it was very fresh. Only small, we only have small little tiffs. It's like, it's just a bicker, I find. It's a bicker. I say bickers keep the relationship interesting. They do.

It's push and pull, push and pull. And you know, sometimes I'm in the wrong and I'm pulling towards. Sometimes I'm in the wrong. It's like, it's a bit of push and pull every time I'm in the wrong. Okay, well, so what I did wrong Ash, sometimes in my head, I know I have to do something and I just forget. That's totally fair. I don't see a problem with that.

So that reminds me actually. So my sister, speaking about pick up drop offs, very lucky in that we have kids that go to the same school, same scenario with the daycare, we have one child each that goes to the same daycare. So we share the pickup drop off. Very good. That is convenient. It's convenient with a capital C.

Oddly convenient. Thank you. And my sister said, hey, I'm running early, I can pick up the kids. Running early, is that an expression? Ah, fuck, you've thrown me. Anyway, carry on. And on that particular afternoon,

Laura was picking up the kids. Okay, yep, with you. I was already in conversation with my sister. I know what happened. She said I can get the kids. I said, great, get the kids. And I should have messaged Laura and said, don't worry about getting the kids. My sister's gonna get them.

I forgot. You doubled up. Because I was at the gym. And so Laura races to daycare and she calls me and she's like, where the fuck are the kids? And also like the gym's like. Oh yeah. And I'm like, oh, Kate's picked them up. And she's the gyms like oh yeah and I'm like oh Kate's picked them up and she's like where are you and I'm like I'm at the gym and so Laura's raced from work to try and get the kids. That's a bad bad mistake. And I should have said I

should have said my bad I'm sorry. You didn't you've doubled down. But I was like anyway. You need to swallow the pride sometimes. I get it I get bad, I'm sorry. You didn't, you doubled down. But I was like, anyway. You need to swallow the pride sometimes. I see how you're saying. I get it, I get it. I'm the same, I always think, how can I weasel my way out of this, that it's not my fault?

But when it is. Good defense is a strong offense. And I think communication is key. Shut up, shut up. Do you want to ask me? Yeah. You do? What did you and April fight about? I don't believe you guys have a fight.

Thank you. We don't often. Same thing like bickers. Nothing. No. Argy bargy stuff. We did have a fight over, we were going to see, I'm actually going to blame Becky Lucas on this. We were going to see Becky Lucas and before, so April's mom was coming over to watch the kids because it was on quite early, which is lovely because they're home early. And we had the discussion about driving. Because it's a Sunday night, it's a night out.

People want to drive. Who's gonna drive, who's gonna drink? Yeah, who's gonna drive, who's gonna drink, who's gonna have more drinks, who's gonna have less? And I said, hey, I'm happy to spot us an Uber there in Backstreet, so we both can enjoy the night together. And April said, no, she said, I don't feel like drinking at all. I want to come. I'll enjoy myself, but I want to I need to get up early for gym tomorrow morning. Because that's responsible. Love that. Responsible.

And she was like, oh, I'll drive back. So I'll drive there. I'll drive back. And usually I'm fine with that. And I do majority of the driving. I'll do that all the time anyway. But I just wasn't feeling it. I was like, look, I was like, I want to have a couple of drinks this afternoon. Go in a good mood. Come home.

And she was like, OK, well, I can just drive. That's fine. And I was like, sweet. And then a couple of hours go past. I've had a couple of beverages, cleaning up the house, making sure the kids are good, just doing stuff around the house that I do. And then I cracked a can and April's mom was in the house too. So she was ready there. I cracked a can and April comes out

and she was like, I just heard you crack a can. How are we going to get there? And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You said, and I took your word, that you're going to drive. And she was like, I said it was sarcasm.

And I was like, whoa, whoa. No, you didn't. That's pretty selfish from you though, to have a couple of drinks pre-gig, so she has to do both legs of the drive. Yeah, but I offered. Rich. Wow. Shut up.

I offered to pay for us to go there and back, because I was like, I wouldn't much rather do that. We can have dinner. We've got time. We've got a sit-down. Let's have dinner. Let's do this. But that got poo-pooed.

It got shoved in my face. She needs to go to the gym. Throw some weights around. Yeah. And it was like, it became that thing where she said one thing but meant another thing apparently. And I just think it's pretty obnoxious.

I took it, don't. You're making me look's pretty pretty obnoxious. I just don't. Oh, you're making me look really bad. During the day. It wasn't during the day. It was like an hour before. And I'm sure the jobs that you were doing would have like the quality would have deteriorated. No. With every crack of the beer can.

No, it was like this. April got that whole hour or two to get ready because she needs that and I clean the house with a couple of actually mid-strength beers if I'm honest. Next question we have. Oh my god, outro music me. I gave solutions. Sorry. I can't end it there, I gave solutions. Next question.

Next question. Go on then. Next question. You're asking me. I'm asking you. I don't know bro, it's your show. Why don't you play me out the front door? Why don't you do that?

Let's go. What are three things that you swore you would never do as a parent, but now you do it? A podcast. And that's all we have time for, cue music. It's funny, isn't it? You're having a good fucking time over here. I love you. I love you, sorry.

Three things, go, number three. I would say number three Screen time I would always thought that I'm not gonna need that. Mm-hmm And I think there's a lot of people out there with that would be in their list. Oh, yeah. Yeah Yeah, it's great time is like classic delusion. Wow. Yeah, it is a beautiful thing. Mm-hmm like There is nothing that will shut the child up quicker It's like giving them like a like a little cyanide pill Well said

Like it just it is crazy They could be having a crack the worst meltdown ever and you just like I just need 20 minutes of silence I'm gonna put TV on give me the iPad. Oh It's it's it is like crack but not that cheap stuff. It's like a good crack crack. It's the top level crack. It's like well made synthetic. What's your number three.

Number three would be sharing a bed co-sleeping. Oh I remember speaking to the parents and being like I will never. No it's just easy. Now it's just like a brothel in that room. People are coming and going. You want a choice of words there, my friend? I'm getting tired.

It's the end of the podcast. Yeah, okay. But now I almost, I enjoy it. Well, obviously with the rewards chart. At certain points, I think you enjoy it. No, I'm a deep sleeper. So I could literally, I've had like Mali laying on my face. Oh my God.

Oh my goodness. In the brothel? Fuck. I've had Mali like laying across like her backs across my face. Yeah. I know you mean I'm a light sleeper. So it infuriates me. But I do love the morning cuddle.

That's about it. Guilty. Guilty. Guilty. My next one was like baby talk. And you're a king for that. Guilty. Yeah. As well. Oh yeah. It just rolls off the tongue.

Yeah. Yeah. When you've got girls especially, it's so easy. And I'm like, what you doing there, bubba? Boom. There he is. Yeah. That's my number two. Oh, you go boo boo. It's the biggest ick. like, what you doing there, Bubba? Boom. There he is. Yeah. That's my number two. Oh, you got a boo boo. It's the biggest ick. Well, we're snacky wacky.

Why do I have an erection? It's a bit, it's an ick. I think like in public. Oh yeah. But at home, I think it's fair game. Yeah. There's nothing, it's better. It's you know what the best is when you're in public and then you're like, your mates

like, so we're going to have a fucking down the fucking public all day. And it's like, what's up? What's up, you know what the best is when you're in public and then you're like, you're like, so anyway, I fucking down the fucking pub the other day and I was like, what's up? What's up, bubba? What's up? Like, you hurt yourself? Okay. Anyway, 150 on the slappers and fucking, anyway, so then I fucking put 20 bucks on the nose. It's like, what? Seamless gear change. I know, yeah. Number two, I, this might sound weird, but I remember saying to myself, I'll never give my child a bottle.

Like breast milk only. Oh yeah. Laura feed that child. Free range breastfed child. I was always like, why would anyone decide to use that formula for their child? That's disgusting. Like breast is best.

And then Laura just stopped making breast milk. I was like, what? It's dried up already? Yeah, a few months in it was just like, no, that thing's run dry. And it's like, yeah, I think that's the naivety or like that not the naivety. That's the, you just don't know what you don't know, especially as a man. We put not a whole lot of like Study into possible and what then the different You know like for example like Oscar had a dairy intolerance So it's like we could have easily gone to a dairy free formula like there's all these different

Variations that can happen that because we're all different my Go on. I always, and this is absolute delusion, to the full and the highest regard. Hit me. I said that I would never yell at my kids. That's mine too! Yeah! Those little bastards! And now I yell at them and it's like a sport. It's like I'm hunting humans in my eyes. I'm like, come here so I can yell at you. I remember my sister and not to call her out, but I was like, gosh, she just yelled at them nonstop. It's, it's subhuman the way she treats her children. Yeah. She sounded exactly like your mom. Oh, that's subhuman. And now I'm like, grow your shoes. That's my exercise routine now! And now I'm like, grow your toes!

That's my exercise routine now. Just yelling, it gets my blood right up, my pulses up, I'm shredding at the same time. I'm gonna yell at Buster when the kids are at daycare in school, because I miss it. I know, yeah, yeah, like, come here, three-legged dog! It's good to laugh. It is good to laugh.

Good to laugh. And if you've laughed at this episode, please subscribe. Or we've triggered you, either one. Yeah, if you're currently... no. Comment, give us some stars. Send it to a friend. It's important. Send it to a friend. Send it to a delusional friend. Yeah. And things that they're not gonna yell at their kids. And I think... oh yeah. It does feel good though. What? Yelling at your yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. Yeah. And then Ash, where can they find us on social media? Two Doting Dads on Instagram and the Facebook and the TikTok.

And I don't mean the Glub. Moving on. And on that note... And exit music me out of here, thank you. See you guys. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians Bye.