Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #149 Never Say This To A Parent

Episode Date: June 3, 2025

Matty J and Ash brave the week with another set of challenges with the kids! Who knew parenthood was such a rough sport?  Laura AND Ellie are away, living their best lives, which means Matty J has to fend for himself.  Ash has another toilet debcale and this time it ends with poo smeared on the walls.  Plus, we let you Par-RANT, a segment where Matty J and Ash listen to your parent rants.  We also answer your questions:  What family traditions do you have? Top 3 things you NEVER say to a parent? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I feel like... What's up? What's up? Jess is away. Yeah? I feel like we can just be a bit more candid with each other. In what way? Um, we're both in our mid-30s. I'd say mid-30s still.

37, right? 38 soon. Yeah, but not yet. But we're both mid-30s. Mm. Thank you. But you still haven't wet dreams? I don't... I just had a weed coming out of my mouth.

It's been a while. It's been a while. It's been a while. It's been a while. It's been a while. Welcome back to Two Doting Dates. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash.

And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash.

And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Ash. And I'm Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relentless.

And that's not right. And relatable. Relatable. Relentless. I was like, sure. Actually, I'm not wrong. We're just gone past two years. Oh, we have. Yeah.

It is relentless. It is fucking relentless, all right. Wet dreams, yeah. No advice. Given. No advice. Wet dreams. It has been a while.

I think I had a sneaky one, I want to say, last year sometime. I thought I'd grown out of this. I suspected that I had one last night. I don't recall what the, what the dream was. That's my wife was in it. She definitely was. I woke up.

You seem unsure if you did or you didn't have a I woke up going and I remember, and I said it out loud. I was like, that's enough of that. And then, uh, yeah. Why would you say that? I don't know. Was it to April? Were you like, stop it?

No, it was enough of that. Like it was like, I reckon maybe a bit of pre-cum. I was like, enough of that a bit of pre-cum. I was like, enough of that! And then I went back to sleep. Enough of this nonsense. It was definitely early morning and I woke up and I was like, do you think it was,

see it's not summer, it's winter at the moment in Australia. It wouldn't have been, sometimes you can confuse sweat to be with semen. Happens? Am I right? Well, I tasted it and the consistency was similar to sweat. Yeah, it was. Um, I look, I was definitely a little bit like uncomfortable.

You know, yeah. Look, if it's been a while between, you know, treating myself, if you will, I, I then will, I reckon if, my actually my biggest fear of going into the jungle was that if I don't relieve myself, that I would say normally after a week, definitely two weeks, I am then due for a wet dream. Yeah right.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought we'd all grown out of this. So it's like a, it's like a damn wall. The dam is full, Got to release some pressure. What do you do with morning wood in the jungle? I wouldn't really get it. I'm not talking about the trees.

I wouldn't really get it. I don't get it. Body is just conserving. Yeah. It's not an arousing environment. Anyway, let's move on. So talking about, actually talking about being confused by things that happen during the nighttime. Okay. go ahead. Cameras because Jess is away on holidays. Must be nice. In Japan. I know jealous. Is she in Japan? She is. She sent me a picture of a big mountain. Mount Fuji. I don't know what that means. Mount Fuji? Is it? I mean. Named after Fuji film. Go on, carry on. Yeah Jess we hope you're having a good time. We do. You've left. Not too good of a time. Ash and myself here to fend for ourselves. Like the good old days when we first started it was just the two of us. It's taken us about six hours to record this episode so far. Ash got here at sunrise.

Well we hit the ground running six hours later. It's now, he stayed the night, he's still here. Jess is actually back, she's right there. Yeah, so last night, in the middle of the night, Ash, Marley comes in to the room. Yeah. Right? That's no sticker on the chart. No sticker on the chart. And she

starts off, she prefaces the chat before she jumps into bed and she goes, look, okay. I've had an accident. Oh fuck. And I was like, what do you mean? And she goes, I've spilled my water bottle. She's found a loophole to the system. She's like, I've, I've spilled my water bottle. Okay. So my bed is saturated right now. It's very damp up there. I'm unable to sleep in the bed due to the level of moisture that currently resides in the mattress. Mold will start to generate.

I was like, damn it. She's got me. And I was like, all right, well I'm going to hop in the bed then. Yeah. And I was like, holy shit. She's like, what? I'm like, you're not wearing any pants. And she goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She goes, don't worry about that. Get back to sleep. You get back to sleep. And I was like, why aren't you wearing any pants? And she goes, ah, yes, yes. The pants question. I knew this would come. And she goes, the water bottle spilt onto my pants and then onto the bed.

Which is why I removed the pants. Now I'm here. Wanted to go to sleep in your bed. Can we please put this to rest? I could just picture her going, just dousing herself with water like. Yeah. In the shower. And I was like, okay, that all adds up.

Fair excuse. Yeah. I think so. Hop into bed, go to sleep, and we'll deal with this in the morning. Smart. And I did have a thought as she hopped into bed. I was like legs are a bit sticky. Oh no. I was like, but you know at the same time I was very tired Ash. I've been working all day. You sound like Ellie. At once is it though. So I was you know I was like half awake and I was like Ellie. So I was, you know, I was like half awake and I was like, whatever,

sure. Fine. Hop in bed. And then I woke up and I was like, I'm just going to double check. Not that I don't trust Marley. I'm going to just double check that she, you know, she did have an accident. She didn't lie to me in the middle of the night when I was most vulnerable. And so I feel her bed. The bed is wet. Okay. I'll give her that. Tick. And I pop my nose to the mattress and I go. Piss. It's urine.

Oh, it's urine. Poor Lola's underneath that too. Okay. We started with loophole. Do you think she's done it on purpose? Yes. Wow! I believe she has voluntarily weed herself. That's diabolical. As a loophole to A, get into my bed, and B, still receive a sticker in the morning. She's very good. She's very clever. She's got ya. They're getting clever and speaking of loopholes, Oscar's also found one too. He's figured out sick bay. Yes. He's figured out sick bay but also he's figured out how to convince them to skip calling me. And call who? So first call mum. It's always gonna be first. I feel

like April would, she'd crumble quickly. Yes. She's missed the call because she had Macy and she was doing something. I get a call from April saying, hey, have you got a call from the school? I'm like, no. I've skipped me. Go straight to popper. Rubber arm popper. Is your name on the list? That's a good question too. It should be. My buddy, he's's mine isn't he? So he

has gone to sick bay, sick for those listening and can't see my inverted fingers, fingers like the peace sign thing. Little rabbits. Yep. And he's sick, called Poppa who's rubber arm. What's Poppa done here because this is very important? Poppa's gone and picked him up. Fuck there you go. What's Poppa done here? Because this is very important. Poppa's gone and picked him up. Fuck, there you go. That's just. That's what I'm saying. Rubber arm Poppa.

Yeah, you need to fucking sit down. You've gotta take it for face value, right? Like if Poppa's like, Oscar's sick, okay, I'll come get it. Poppa's retired, whatever. It's Friday. You're gonna call him something else. No, no, no, no, no.

I would not. We'd never use that word. We'd never use that word, it's Terrell Ward. And then April, I've had work to do, so I'm off doing things. Well, how did you know that he was collected? Was it in the group chat, in the family chat? It was, April told me.

April said, Pop, I was gonna pick him up. So skip me, because I'm the hard ass. You are the hard ass. Okay, skip me. Stone cold Ash Wicks is how I refer to you. Yes, everyone does. I could break an arm and I think the bone could pierce the skin and you wouldn't give me any sympathy.

Correct. That's right. I've said, have you laid eyes on this kid yet? And she's like, yeah, I'll be in touch shortly. And I was like, okay, great. So let me show you. Please. What she has sent me of a poor sick yes young boy can you tell me

what the illness was so apparently what symptoms was he facing it was had a sore tummy it was a little tummy it's always the thought yeah yeah this is the day definitely the poor boy can barely stand gosh is he still unwell? Has he made a recovery? This morning he was unwell apparently, but he's gone to school today. Fine, nothing wrong with him. He gets home, he's like,

can we play, and I'm home, can we play footy in the front? Yeah, I was like, no, you're sick. They keep, and they forget. They forget. And they're like, oh yeah, oh yeah, sorry, I gotta lay down, I'm not feeling 100%. But I always used to chuckle a sickie as a primary school kid. Always. I hated school. I was

not built for school. Okay. This cannot be schooled. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you what you need to do here? Yeah. Because Ash, Friday last week, I had a call from the school Marley May unwell. Same day. And same illness also had a sick tummy. They're in cahoots these kids. They're like Friday, Friday the 17th at 800 hours. It's like a prison escape.

On Friday we do it, we go, we don't look back. I can just picture them being like, you ready? I'm ready. Let's do it. So yeah, I got a call, Marley's in sickbay. Saw a tummy. I know that children who are unwell deserve our attention. But at the same time, I'm like, my knee jerk reaction was, is she actually sick? And I get, I reckon they'd get that all the time on that phone call.

Yeah. And I said, and I was working from home, but I said, I'm in the city. I'll come as quick as I can, but it'll be a couple of hours. It'll be a three o'clock with the school guys. So I was like, I'll finish doing my work for two hours and then I'll get her. And I also just thought to myself, like our sick bay at primary school was shit. It was just like next to the reception. It was like a fucking mattress, which was like concrete. And that's what it should be. It should be prison cell. Yeah thank you.

Lock them in there. Yeah it should be like a little pen. What can I give that they can't give? Like just lay down. Here's a bucket. Yeah. Here's a spew bag. That's it. Perfect. If it was on a flight that's what they'd do. That's what you get. Yeah. So when I picked up Marley she was like you're a long time and I was like yeah damn right she was like, you're a long time. And I was like, yeah, damn right. I was. Cause I want her to know that sick on a sick base sucks. Smart.

And you're going to hate sitting there and it's going to be boring. But she was the same dude. She was like, hello. And I was like, what's wrong, Baba? I had to use my baby voice. And she was like, I got a sore tummy. She's like, I'm not feeling well. And I was like, come here.

Come to daddy. The second we walk out of those school grounds, past the front gate, she's like, woo! Yo Chi! I can imagine it's like you took forever and it's like, she's like, also just prefaces with our kids can't tell the time yet. We're like, hmm, you're late. And then you're like, yeah, it's like, how you feeling, bubba? I'm fucking fine now, bitch. Mate, I tried to explain to Marley, I was like, well, if you aren't well, you can't go to the birthday party tomorrow. And she was like, what? Yeah. And she was like, I think I'm feeling better. Fucking got home dude. She was like Oscar.

She was bouncing off the walls. She was coloring in. Too much energy. Too much energy. But like I used to do that. And then I would be like, I want to go to soccer training tonight. No you're fucking not. I'll go to the house. One time, one time I didn't want to go to school and I hated sick bay. So I knew that if I had to fake being sick, it had to be in the morning. And I got a cloth and I rubbed it on my forehead. And I went to my mom and I was like just feel how hot I am.

She was like, what are you, quite a temperature and I was like, gotcha. Got her. Speaking of injuries and stuff like that, firstly it just gave me a little memory of when I was in, when I was in year seven I was playing touch football with the bigger kids and one of them fell on me, okay, and my head hit the ground between my legs. So quite like a over extension. You tried to suck yourself off. In that moment, I could have got a quick lick. And then I literally, my dad had to pick me up because at that moment I was in pain. But what's the problem? I used it to get more time off school I was fine because also it was the same year that Joey Johns heard his neck playing footy and he was in a neck

brace and I thought that was pretty cool. So you got a neck brace? So I neck braced it for like a week to get a week off school but I was completely fine. Hang on a second your neck is moving fine today. Yeah, I'm good, I'm back down. You were in a neck brace last week? Yeah, it was like a week ago, it was like 10 days ago. Oh. Yeah. Fine. It's my leg now.

Well, fuck, what's wrong with your leg? I don't know, but somehow the pain moved from my neck right down to my leg. You're still singing Bon Jovi in the car? Yeah, yeah. Now what was I doing? I was singing Iris. I was practicing for an upcoming, yeah.

Anyway, also on injuries. I never thought having kids, I would get so injured. Remember, I went down back nearly like two years ago now when we started this and I had a moment of pure anger when I was picking up toys and hit my head on a door knob on the way back up. I think I did it twice in the same period.

Very frustrating. And it's like, I'm cleaning up after these fucks and I'm hurting myself that's what I recall from that situation. Well let me tell you right now I've had another running with the door handle. Mate what door handles have you got? I'm gonna tell you what exactly what happened okay so when April goes to the toilet yeah shuts the door the kids always go there. That's a mom thing. I like to lock the door, okay? Yeah, if April's not locking the door, that's on her.

Exactly, but she has a dig at me about if they're gonna come in to see me, they should be allowed to go in and see you. And I'm like, you all got the bar here, lock it. So we're up here together. But also like fucking, dad shits are a lot worse than mom shits. Lies.

Ooh. They store them up. And then they do one horrendous shit. And April's like, where are the kids coming in? Yeah, just like drag them in. I don't mind dragging them in as a joke, it's funny. But I also like my privacy, like, you know, as any person as any man

or woman would exactly right now I am a stand-in wiper yeah amen yeah okay so few of us stand and wipe and it just so happens that the door knob is at the exact height as my dick and balls and guess who comes barging in while I'm wiping? Oscar. Oscar Wicks. At full velocity, a silver metal door handle has hit me directly in a combination of the head of my penis, which is massive, and my testicles with my arse, shitty arsehole, and a handful of shitty toilet paper. Can I tell you right now, I fell into the corn, so it's picture this, it's a separate toilet to the bathroom. So it's quite skinny. I've been there. Yeah. I've fallen into the crack between the toilet and the gyproc wall.

Okay. Sore nuts. Sore penile head. Now the toilet paper, I've tried to brace myself. Now, the toilet paper, I've tried to brace myself, I've fallen, put the shitty toilet paper up against the gyprock wall and slid down it. Like so. So I'm jammed between the toilet and the wall that has now shit on it. What's Oscar saying at this point? He was just like, what are you doing? You what? You meant to be sick! You meant to be sick! I'm on the ground stuck between the toilet with a sore set of nads and a shitty asshole. God. What a sight. And I had to somehow backwards slither out of there. Did you

call for help? Did April? No one wanted to help Mia. She's like, you're on your own here. She's like, it stinks, it's all you in there. That's like, for God's sake, could this get any worse? It does. The roofers are back next door. No they're fucking not!

Shut up. Yeah they're back. Shut your face. Nope. God. They're back. You're such a like... And I'm just surprised.

What is it called when you're like a show... Showvinist? No. Hang on. But also it was a Sunday and they were working on the roof next door. You're an exhibitionist. That's the word I'm looking for. Exhibitionist.

But also it was Sunday and I was like what the fuck are they doing? But I've worked out because it's been raining so much. They haven't been able to finish the roof. They just go a little window of good weather. And now we've got a little thing going where if I see them in the morning, I'm like, I don't want to see my asshole today. Wow. That's a joke.

How's your penis now? Oh, I've recovered. Yeah, thank heavens. Yeah no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Mate. Fuck. She's over in Barley right now. Yes, she is working. I look like she was doing, you know when you're taking kids to like a sensory thing? Oh, she was doing the jewelry? That's what it looked like she was doing.

I was like, oh, it was fun actually. Hey, mate, you know how much she's had a go at me about the business class flight, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We've all heard enough of it. I've been attacked by multiple people. Meteor outlets were attacking you over that. I was being defamed publicly. And so I was with the kids on Sunday. Laura, where was she?

In the lounge, champagne in hand. She's flown over, busy class with her sister, and she had the nerve to message me from the lounge going, oh, just send me a photo of the kids, I miss them. It's like, shut up! You do not! She needs to leave it a day or two before saying, I start to miss them. It's like shut up! Shut up! You do not! She needs to leave it a day or two before saying, I start to miss people.

Yeah. You can't be like... You've been gone for two hours. You can't be like... Oh, I miss the kids. The champagne's lovely. I'm like, I can go, I can take him to the airport and you can spend another hour with him if you want.

Yeah, I heard your flight doesn't take off for another hour. Let me sneak him into the Qantas now. No no no no please please. I couldn't do another goodbye. Oh they're serving alcohol here. You better not. Someone's massaging my feet. You better not. It's like for fuck's sake. At least get to like, I know whenever I go away and leave the family It's like you don't want to message April. No, not straight away. But if I've like for example you don't want to give off how much fun you're having I get that but also that's too premature. Yes. If it was a couple of days and she's like look I'm actually I miss the kids. I must have a little bit

of barley billy. I haven't been sleeping well like I've been you know like make up something for God's sake. Yeah. go, oh, I just, you know, cause in those moments of vulnerability, you can miss your kids. It's like me saying, I had a fucking huge night last night, babes. And, but God, I missed the kids. And I missed the kids.

And it's like, well, how about you don't have a huge night. As you've got a schooner in hand. And I'm like, ah. Enjoy, enjoy it at the moment. So yeah, Laura's flown over. She's currently just her sister and herself. They're working hard. Please.

And, mate, I didn't realize it. She told me many times, but I've been unable to retain the information. Nana was packing the bags. And I was like, where the fuck do you think you're going? And she's like, I'm going to Brisbane for your brother's birthday. And I was like, what?

So she's gone too? She's left me. She left this morning. Oh, I was gonna say sorry yesterday, didn't I? Yeah, she was here yesterday. So she's gone now? She's gone 5.45 a.m. These girls out here.

Hey! I'm off to Brisbane tomorrow as well so I'm currently I'm you know I'm doing it tough you know so just shout out to all the single parents out there I know it's hard oh absolutely it's tough just gonna preface that and say that we best best press that yeah we should conduct a little experiment go on on my wife yes What I may do, is I'm off to Brisbane tomorrow for a couple days. Yep. It's like a day, two days, a couple days for a state of origin. Yeah. It's the hat. Working, working. I am working. I've got

content to do, but also it just so happens to be a sport that I love and with people I like. Not that I don't like my kids. You're a lucky guy. You found your passion. Thank you. I'm thinking about going to the airport tomorrow. Yes. Which I have to be there at midday. Love it. And as soon as I get there, I'm going to send a message to April saying I miss the kids. And then, but also, I'll film it. Can you do an airport beer? Oh yeah. On your stories. Oh yeah. She's going to see that and then yeah. I'm going to tag her in it. Good. This is. On your stories. Oh yeah. She's gonna see that and then yeah. I'm gonna tag her in it. Good. This is good gear. Good. Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Another. A nice airport beer. I'm going, I'm taking a mate with me. Can you actually. Who's a videographer. Can you just, can you actually,

can you call April and then be like, God, I miss the kids. I'll get my mate to film it. Yeah. I'm taking a videographer with me. That's the best thing about taking a videographer. He just videos everything. And yeah, I'll have it. We'll do a little, do you know what we'll do? I'll ring her, I'll put on loudspeaker and I'll be like, I'll do a, we'll do a cheers.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And then I'll be like, oh, I really miss the kids, babe. And just see what she says. And we sit and we wait. And can I be on the phone call as well? No, I don't do that.

That's too much. No. I will film it in real time, send it over to you. I get you what you think. Is that what you said? I did. I did try. I tried.

I put forward the case to not bring the kids to Bali. I get you what you think. I love it. I did. I did try. I tried. I put forward the case to not bring the kids to Bali. Yeah. Because you're going for a special occasion. Going for Britain's wedding over in Bali. So I tried to, because you're not allowed kids at the wedding. Okay. That's a rule. Yeah. I think that's a fair rule. And I thought to Laura like, hey, why bring the kids where we can't be with them because we've got to be at the wedding? Why don't I just come over? Not for a full week, but instead I'll just come over for three nights. Boom, smash, run into the wedding, get the wedding done, do the recovery, we'll fly straight back.

So it means that Nana's got the kids back in Sydney. Means we can have a bit of just you and me time. That's lovely, I think that's well thought out. Consider it. Also means I don't have to fly with the kids solo. Oh, six economy? Oh, six, economy? Yeah, economy. Economy.

Yeah. Yep. I'm going to Bali without the kids, just FYI. Yeah, it must be real nice. And she was like, no, I just, I want to see the kids so badly. And I was like, don't go then. Shit. Anyway, so I know.

And that's tough. Like it's a long way to go to kids. Thank you. OK, hang on. Go on. Here's a question while to go two kids. Thank you. Okay, hang on. Go on. Well, we're on the subject. We talked about seating arrangement

for two parents, two kids. What about seating arrangement for two kids, one parent? I'm gonna do a video on this. Okay. I'm gonna do a video on this because I'm flying Garuda Air. Shout out to Garuda, not sponsored. Their seating configuration. Very interesting.

They have four in the middle and then the windows are two and two. You pretty much have to go the four. Otherwise one gets left alone. Unless you buy four seats. Do I? Could I go, could I go window? Next one across, right? And then do the the aisle so the middle row aisle is that a possibility? Fucking genius! Is that so I get the two kids by themselves try and get a seat in front too. Try and get a row in front so the person behind you is like and then you just

poke your head around and go they didn't have anything that lined up. But I'm just here, girls. Sorry about that. Or one behind so you can see them, but they can't see you. Fuck yeah. So that was an idea. I'm yet to lock in this eating plan. Brilliant. You're going in like two days, aren't you? Yeah.

Brilliant. Brilliant. Thank you. Idea. Thank you. Do you know what else is brilliant? This. You don't want advice from strangers. Go and tell me what is your parent? Well played sir and I would say that that is one of the greatest segment songs ever to be produced by anybody ever. Thank you. Okay. Would you like to go first? Yeah I've actually got I've've got a pair rant myself.

Oh, cause I have one last week. I'm just going to get this off my chest. Go far away. You know, I love daycares. Just be careful how you finish that sentence. You know, I love daycare. I love daycare staff. I think they work incredibly hard.

You know that I've always been very vocal about my support for the daycare industry. Most of them. Yeah. Right. Right. Those of you don yeah. Right? Right? Those of you who don't, you know what I'm talking about. I have a roundabout. I'm reluctant to attack the daycares.

Attack away. We attacked them months before. Let me just pick up my sword. So, Lola has been, she's been up to like 9 p.m. and she loves to sleep. Lately she's been great in that she has a story, goes to bed, falls asleep pretty quickly. But now she's up to like 9 o'clock. I'm downstairs and I can hear her walking around upstairs. I'm like, what the fuck are you up to?

And I was like, are you having naps at daycare? And she's like, and I was like, you're fucking having naps at daycare? And she's like, and I was like, you, you're fucking having naps at daycare. And she's like, I just had a little lay down. She's four. And I, and I've said like, no, no naps. She's no nap and we're out of the naps and they're letting her have a nap. Oh, yeah. Someone's.

And so, but now we're, now we're back in the cycle. So she's like staying up so late. So she's tired cause she's gonna sleep at like nine, nine thirty dude. What time is she waking up? Like six thirty. It's not enough sleep. Yeah.

Fuck man, you're making me tired all the same time. You need a nap. Oh, I'd love a nap. And maybe I'll go to that daycare. Fucking I, you get in there big guy. Get in there and sleep. All right, so. So now she's in the routine.

She's in the routine of napping during the day. They're gonna try and break the cycle, which they're not, they're letting her nap. Oh my goodness. Yeah, there you go. If you're listening, think of the parents. Think of us poor parents. I know, I've started to do this thing at night

when kids go to bed that I make them feel guilty about making any more noises after that. What do you mean? I'm like, this is mommy and daddy's time now. Like, you know how we give you everything you've ever wanted and all the time you need ever and they're like, yeah, we love that. I'm like, why don't you just give me this moment now. And do they get it?

Some nights, some nights I'm like, do you, I'm like, I'm like, do you know how sad I feel when I've got to come back in here to tell you off? Do you know how sad I am? What about me? Okay. And like sometimes it works. And then when they don't, I'm like, we spoke last week about yelling at your kids, I'm like, well, it's time to go to work.

Shredding and like, whack, slam the door. Anyway, they hate the door being shut. So that's now my current threat. I'm like, Oh, shut this fucking door. Anyway, that's my rent. Please. I have a rant from someone hither. This one is from Maddie. And Maddie says, no trolley bay near the parent parks. Getting a good park, but hiking the nullabore to return it. Yeah, I think there's whoever's designing these car parks,

this might flow onto a little rant I have really quickly. Yeah. Okay, on top of that, whoever's designing these car parks, I think it should go disabled parking, parent parking, with a trolley bay in between them. Okay, so it's equal because we just just say this right, you've got one kid there's one of you, you put that kid and they say don't leave your kids alone in the car and then you've got to walk to drop the length of the nullable.

Yes thank you Maddie for that. To put a trolley bag is dangerous. It's disgusting. A lot can happen in that 30 seconds. A child could go missing. Not to scare anyone out there, but that's the reality. It's the reality. It's the life we live. Especially in dangerous areas. Where does Marty live? In the dangerous area by the sound of things. The Nullarbor. Very dangerous. The Dingo could take your baby. Very true. Thank you. Well said. Yeah, but also I've got a rant with car parks in general. Okay, and it's not the people who've designed it It's the people in it Okay, people think you pull into a car park rules don't apply anymore. What rules you talking about road rules pedestrian rules Anything like that? Okay. This is what it always mean the fucking most

Yeah, there's two things that annoy me the most. Let it out, big guy. The first one is when someone tries to cross the street in a car park, cross where you're driving, okay, there's a crossing to cross, but they cross like 10 meters due south of it. Walk up and use the crossing. People think that that's like, I'm just going to walk, not even look. Yesterday I had mom in the car.

Right. And I went to reverse out of a car park. Reverse lights are on. They are blaring. They are fucking bright. And some old bloke, not old, I'm say like 50. Yeah. Didn't even stop to be like, Oh, is he reversing? Didn't even stop. He

just walked from across. First of all, walked in front of a car that was driving directly towards my review camera. Death wish. And it's like, bro, the arrogance rules apply. Yeah. If I hit you, I'm in trouble, right? But it doesn't mean you just start walking out like infuriating. Also, when someone goes up the wrong way, guilty car park design, right? There's obviously someone who's logistically designed this so that the flow of the traffic goes in one way. But then there's some entitled jerk that wants to go the wrong way and fuck everyone's day up. I feel so much better. I didn't realize you were such a stickler for the rules in car parks. Why just thought you just you're a man who's very fluid and all of a sudden once you get

in the car park, you're like the car park Nazi. Yeah, because I don't know what accent that is. Just the blatant disregard. That's what I don't like. I think if you're in a car park as a pedestrian and a driver, you still have to follow the rules. I heard you the first time. You're about to get run over. Fuckin' show me.

By the way, you were in a car park. By the way, you were in a car park. But you know what I mean. Like the pedestrian cross the drive there. Just walk up. Anyway. This one Ash is one that I haven't come across too frequently. In fact I would say it's the only time I've seen this per rant. It's niche. I like niche stuff. It's a niche rant. Was it as niche as the car park one? We get a lot of car... I would say 90% of rants from parents about car parks.

I reckon they need like a lollipop lady in every shop. Like a full-time attendant. A full-time attendant. Not to like, but to usher people through and be like, if there's someone like struggling to cross the street and they're like, okay, just stop for a sec. Something like that. Do lollipop ladies, or the people who do the crossings at school, do they get paid? Yes. They do. By who? Council. Council. Do they get paid? Well, you can look that up on Fair Work. There's an award for that. Too hard. Depending on your year, depending on your hours. But next

election, throw that car park attendees. Yeah. And you know what? It's generating jobs. There we go. Helping the economy. So I'm reducing the unemployment rate. And this one is from Frankie Hall Photography. Also do you want to mention Frankie Hall had a look at their Instagram account. Very beautiful photos of kids and families. She says, I feel like you would sympathise with this situation. No hot chooks in the Bain Marie at Coles at 5pm. That's peak chicken time.

That's dinner time. What are they doing? So this is what they should do. Okay, supermarkets, if you're listening, I'm just solving all the world problems today. Make them for pro chicken times. I don't want to walk into a Woolies at 7am and there's a fucking hot chook.

I want to walk in at 11am and there's a hot chook. I've never experienced that myself. There's always been a steady flow of chooks available. Depends on the need of the protein for the suburb I guess. Okay there you go. But yeah I would fully agree because there's been times where it's like fuck I'm running late my day's just got away from me. April, it's me to organise dinner today and it's like oh I'm running late. My day's just got away from me. April, it's me to organize dinner today.

And it's like, oh, I'm at the shops. I'm just going to nip in and get a hot chook. Love it. Hot chook dinner. For dinner at a reasonable time to pick one up for dinner. And it's like, we don't have any hot chooks. We sold them all for breakfast. Bullshit. Fuck. Imagine, imagine you in the car park, experiencing that dilemma, that malarkey

going, going into Coles, no chick, no chick, no chicken. And then going back to the car park far out. Geez. Heaven forbid your poor family. Anyway, your rant. I reckon that would be the worst day of my life. And there's been some bad days. You've had a few.

We've had a few bad days. Okay, my last one for this segment today. And I'm gonna leave this a little bit up to interpretation for both of us. Cause Kay, if that's your real name, has written in and said three words, very simply, fucking car seats. They are annoying. The old the clip the clip is in. So there's a multitude of clips

when it comes to car seats. There's the ISOFIX clips. What the fuck is that? So you know your... Oh the way it fits into the... Yeah they're hard to put in. Not an easy job. Yeah there's also also, yes, the clips where they're tightened to keep your child safe. And I would say that putting a car seat into a vehicle is, would be up there with one of the most outraged I get when something goes wrong. So it's like normal day-to-day task if I stub my toe slightly or bump something slightly or do something wrong slightly. What's going wrong with your car seat? It's not that. I think it's more like it's just can be fiddly sometimes. Yeah and also then the kids are always like it's too tight. Yeah. I'm like the seat belt it's meant to be tight.

I was putting the car seat into this lone car that I have right now. Right. And I was like, new car, new car. It's not new. It's not mine. I'm just borrowing it. Moneybags over here. So I'm just borrowing. How does that make me money bag? I would like to borrow some money that I don't have to pay back.

That'd be great. Go on. And I was just, you know, I was in no rush. I was just putting it in casually. Cause I know that if you do it in a rush things go wrong I fucking turned around a bump my head on the The grip that you hold on to as a passenger and I fucking saw Laying into the car and I was like punching this shit out of it people like oh gosh

I step in and stop that dad and then I've gone to pull the seat belt tightened and up that dad. And then I've gone to pull the seatbelt tightened and slipped and bam funny bone into the corner of the door. Oh my god. You're gonna return that loan card and they'll be like is this car being in an accident? Beat the shit out of the car. But it's like the most smaller thing. They're just infuriating devices. Love it. If you ask me. So that's what I think K means. And if you have any pair rants, pair rants, pair rants, sorry, pair rant, pair rant, send it to us. Get it off your chest. Make sure it doesn't stay in and get all frustrated and you know, at an inopportune moment, it all comes out.

Let it come out to us and we'll clean up the mess. Yeah, I feel so much better actually. You look more relaxed. Thank you. Ash, couple of questions before we go. Far away. Ash. Yes. This is a question that was submitted on the Facebook group.

They would like to know what are any traditions that you have created with your kids? Besides yelling at them every night. Oh, damn. Kids, you know what time it is. They're like, okay, off you go. Beautiful traditions that they'll remember as core memories for the rest of their lives. Gotcha. Got one. Hit me.

Have you ever heard of these things called Vitagummies? Oh, what are they? Like little multivitamin? Yeah. Yeah. In gummy form. Yeah. They look like a lolly. So the tradition is every day, obviously it's a Vitagummie, I'm not just feeding my kids lollies.

If they're ready, like if they dress themselves, get ready to go on time in the mornings, then they get what we call a lolly. It's medicine. It's medicine. Very good. Not medicine, vitamins. It's vitamins, vitamins. Suckers.

Idiots. And they don't know that vitamins. It's vitamins. Suckers. Idiots. And they don't know that. They just think it's a lovely thing. I've got a lovely bag of lollies. When do you think you'll tell them the truth? When they move out. We haven't got any traditions really.

Like nothing that I'm like, that's a beautiful memory. I don't know if mine's a beautiful memory. No, I love it. Yours is manipulative. Thank you. That's my whole deal. I'm a manipulative parent. Yeah. It's the kind of parenting that I want to hear about. Good. No, we haven't got anything other than Yochi on a Friday. That's something. Is that? Do you do it together?

We used to have, we on a Friday, it was called the little shop. The little shop, a little convenience store down the road from my school. And I remember it's weird like core memory going in every Friday. Got to go in. I think back then we had 50 pence. I could buy half the store. But we got to pick what we wanted for the little treats. Yeah I think for me as a kid we didn't really have anything just the regular beatings. But no, no, no. My parents never hit me. Okay. If you're a parent out there right now and you have a great tradition,

something that you do with your kids, more than just like, you know, obviously I read to the kids every night before they go to bed. Yeah, we do that. But if there's a tradition that you have that you think is a nice touch, other parents can implement. Do you actually, do you know what I used to I got it from Dr. Phil of all people. I would say not every night. Tradition is very important to be consistent. Yeah.

But I would do it like I would pepper it in. But I would say to each girl individually I would say. That's all we have time for. I would say of all the girls in all the world how do you think it ended up that I got the best one? Oh very good giving them a complex early. That's right. April said to Oscar she's like you're the most handsome boy in the world. I'm like don't give this boy a complex. She's like what do you mean? And I was like let me tell you a story young lady. Go on. Let me go to the archives here. We used to have a girl at our school in primary school.

I recall this, that she got, her mom used to tell her that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. And she believed it, which is fine, belief is fine. But then she started to tell people at school that, no, no, no, no, I'm the most beautiful person in the world. Yeah. Because you want to say like you're the bravest or you're the funniest or...

Yeah. Yeah. And then I said, do you know that my mommy tells me that too? And she was heartbroken. Did you mean to kick off or were you just like, oh no, I copped that. I was having a dig. And I remember she was heartbroken. I got in a lot of trouble actually.

I got in a lot of trouble for bullying. How dare I tell the truth and get called bullying. I remember it broke her heart. So I said to April, look, you're allowed to say to your kid that you're the most handsome boy in all the world to me. You're my most handsome boy. Something like that. Because you know, very particular about the word here. Imagine him going to his friends at school. I'm the most handsome boy and then...

Boys, I had to break it to you, but I'm the fucking hottest here. Yeah, I'm pretty sure every mum tells them that. Heartbreak. I'll tell you just a quick tradition we did have for a while there. It was a funny one. Before the kids would get into the shower, we'd do a nudie rudie. And the kids want to run up the hallway naked and then run back in the shower. And they thought it was fucking so funny. You are an exhibitionist. We don't have any clothes in our house.

All the roof is like, what the fuck is going on next door? Oh no, bad house again. Welcome back boys. Welcome back yeah I have a question for you please now we've been doing a lot of top three I love them I love a top three why my question to you is yeah what is the top three worst things you can say to a parent oh let's start with your number three. Okay, number three. I have asked this question before and probably not needed to say this vocally because people will just realize that it's not a great question or a great statement to make to any parents. But I think I now know.

I now know that you should not ask. Can you get on with it? What position did you conceive in? Well, I did not expect that. Tell me. Standard missionary. Side saddle. Go on. Yeah. What's your number three? My number three is starting any sentence with, look I don't you fuck. Number two for you. I don't know if maybe this is just me being sensitive. You being sensitive? No! Go on. I know right? But I don't like it when people would look at particularly Lola and then they look at me and they go, gosh, she looks nothing

like you. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's your DNA. Didn't get a look into it. I thought you were going to really have a stab at something. And I said once, which was like, she's got a big head. It was just as bad.

Sorry. I think you should, you know, as well, and to top that would be saying, gosh, it looks like neither one of you. Yeah. You could be adopted. It does. Well, we had that rant that it was like a redhead and neither of their kids were redheads and it's like a milkman's got some explaining to do.

Don't say it. No, it's who? What have you got for me? I've got this sentence that you say to a parent. Wow. Your kids got a lot of energy. Do they always act like that? That's the nicest way to say your kids are fucking shithead.

Okay. Brutal. Here we go. This is your number one, is it? Number one. Go on. And I have copped this a few times and, and like to anyone out there who has said this, shame on you.

Shame! But, number one thing you should not say to any parent is, gosh, you look tired. Oh man. No shit! I knew you were going to say something like that so I left it out of my, but that is bad. That is like the biggest kick. You might as well say, you look like shit. Just lie and say, you look great.

You are glowing right now. Those bags under your eyes really suit you. Yeah, and that stains on your shirt, really make your eyes pop. Like, that's shit sandwich these kids. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Mine is similar. It's a cheeky jab. I do. Yeah. Sentences that are a cheeky jab. So read it out to you.

Okay. So someone says to you, oh, we did sleep training and it totally worked for us. What am I doing wrong? Is that what you've, you know what I mean? Like it's like a bit of a backhander. Don't, yeah. Don't try and one up another parent. I know, I think anything backhanded to a parent, your borderline, you should be locked up for it. I'm almost tempted. I'm almost tempted.

Now I look back when Marley, our first, was a great sleeper. And there were times when I would be proud of the fact that she was a great sleeper. That's so bad. Just say your child sucks at sleeping. So we have a mother's group. Okay. But we have edged some of these parents out because they just don't fit the mold.

Did you say edge? I did. Uh, and this was one reason we edge one of them out is because one of the mums was early doors, very braggy about their kids sleeping through, whether she was bragging or not. She did after the confrontation I had with her because it was going through a time when Oscar didn't sleep. We were having troubles. You know, we were in and out of hospitals and you know, professionals were involved. It was really, really bad. And I've spoken about it on a podcast. Go back, listen to all of them actually while you're at it.

Yeah. Fine. We don't know what episode it is, so just listen to all of them and find out for yourselves. Yeah, figure it out. And we, you know, one of the best things to do as parents is collectively whinge about you kids. Yes. It's a bonding moment. It is bonding. But there's nothing more unbonding

than one of the parents being like, oh, my Timmy sleeps right through, slept right through since 12 weeks. And that's what happened. And I was like, oh, my Timmy sleeps right through, slept right through since 12 weeks. And that's what happened. And I was like, hey, you know, some of us are in the thick of it, right? And she was like, I don't know, I don't see you mean. I'm like, well, how do you think we feel with no sleep?

And then you want to butt in and tell us that everyone in your house is sleeping. How would you feel about that? And they're like, oh, I was just saying, I was like, well, don't fucking say, don't fucking say it, because we're all on the edge. they're like, Oh, I was just saying, I was like, well, don't fucking say, don't fucking say it. Cause we're all on the edge. You're content.

Be content somewhere else. Deleted from the group chat. Love the passion from you today. Well, that's what I'm like, it's a horrible thing to say. There's one of the worst things you can say, and it should be on the top of the list is when, especially when someone says, Oh, how, you know, you know, our kids were struggling with sleep and we're in the trenches, there, you know, you know, our kids were struggling with sleep and we're in the trenches.

There's nothing worse than you saying, we're fine. You might, you just lie. Just spit in my face, why don't you? Yeah, just lie and say, it's fucking hard, hey. Cause that is gonna give that parent some sort of relief. There he is, there he is, Ashwick's coming good. Thank you. We started on semen, we're about to end on semen.

But then. Are we? We're talking about edging. Hey, we better get out of here. We better. You have to have some lunch. I have to eat some food. But if you enjoyed this episode, please, we would love it

if you would give us a subscribe, a review, a couple of comments. Ashwick and May follow us on social media. Instagram, two doting dads. Ash, where can they follow us on social media? Instagram, two doting dads, TikTok, two doting grams, two doting grams, two doting dads, yep, and then also on Facebook. We have Facebook group that's driving. We get a lot of good questions. Had four requests to come through just before we started recording. Wow, that's why you were a sprite. Oh, there we go, someone's at the door. Let's get out of here. See ya. Bye. Bye. Excuse me, I'm in here. You wanted my own stories.

Fuckin' hell Ashley, you're boring. I'm better. We can sit here and make each other feel better. To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.