Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #150 Mum Wicks Is In The House!

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

Gotta catch 'em all!  Mum Wicks has finally made her way onto the show! Yes, Ashton's mother has (reluctantly) said yes to being questioned about the antics of her son growing up. Has things improved since he found himself in an overnight jail? We'll see.  BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Matthew, good morning. Hi. Hi. How are you? I've got some fantastic news for you. Please. Someone has suggested a middle name for the pending Johnson that is to be born. So Marley suggested one, which I like.

Go. I'm going to keep it a secret. No, Keto? No, no, with Hunter's Bell. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I am Matty J. And I am Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. I nearly said relentless again, but I didn't. Well done. Thank you. And we don't give advice. Ash, middle name. So there is a doting

listener by the name of Mel. Her name is, she has no kids. She doesn't have any dogs anymore. That's weird. RIP to your dogs. She owns the surf shop. Ah! Which I am a senior team writer for. It's a joke. Is that where I bought my board? Yes. Ah! On board. Down in Mona Vale. So they've got a couple of shops. They've got Mona Vale, they've got Byron, they've got Two in Bali, blah blah blah blah blah. Anyway, she is, she listens every week regardless and I pop in every week. She always harps on about how much she loves us. So thank you Mel.

Can I just say, I love, Mel, I love you. She'll love that. She's got stunning red glasses that she wears. So just so you know, she's very, very cool. Okay. So she- Can I just have a look at that? Yes, of course.

That's for your car. Air freshener, perfect. Cause the Volkswagen is very moldy at the moment. Very stanky. Yeah. That's going to get you, that's going to get you a frothing. Nice little air freshener. Perfect because the Volkswagen is very moldy at the moment. Very stanky. That's going to get you a froth in. Nice little air freshener. What has she got? Mel, hit me. So you mentioned in a podcast a couple of weeks ago that there was Christmas Eve. Spit it out! What do you got for me? Come on.

Eve. Okay. Poppy Eve Johnson. Boom. I don't want to... You hate it. No, it's a great suggestion, but it was Christmas Day that we conceived. Wow. Get back. It's still relevant.

Eve. Eve. A bit of like a street name. Yeah, but... You reckon? Yeah, Eve's got a shiv. Doesn't really roll off the tongue. Don't love it?

Eve Johnson. No, it's Poppy Eve Johnson. I know. Yeah, but he's got a shiv doesn't really roll off the tongue. Don't love it. Okay. Johnson. No, it's poppy. I know I was just, I was just the last tail end of it. I think you should can continue with May.

Like my mom is Mary Maywicks. Beth is Mary, Bethany Maywicks Elizabeth Maywicks. I think that's weird. She's got noise cancelling headphones. And we'll get to my mum shortly. She is in the room. She's currently sitting on the couch with headphones on. But, okay, I'm just going to let it marinate.

I'm not saying no. I'm not saying yes. I'm saying a maybe. Well, sorry Malatride. Hey Ash, I just came straight from an incredible sporting event. The Olympics. The enhanced Olympics. Close.

Similar. This event has been postponed week after week after week because the weather's been terrible here in Sydney. They don't let the kids run in the wet. Cross country. Finally happened. Oh, that's right. The read date changes this morning or was this morning.

And I told you I've been trying to get on the newsletter. Oh, the email newsletter. I'm not on there. So I rely purely on the group chat on the WhatsApp. And so I'm in there. I'm like, and I was like, guys, like, is anyone have the race done tomorrow? And they were like, yeah, it's at 9.15. The group chat.

I got added to that and I removed myself immediately. Oh, now it's useful. Well, yeah, I know it would be useful, but I'm like, nah, not fair. So this morning was the morning and it was exciting. Yeah. And only Kindy year one and two were running. Okay. So it was great. It was short. It was punchy. What was yours again? Yeah. Only Kindy year one and two were running. Okay.

So it was great. It was short. It was punchy. What was yours again? Yours was like two kilometers. It was a kilometer I think. Not that far. Ours was like, I guess if that was like a 10K equivalent,

ours was like the 1500. It was like a good middle distance. It was like a hundred meters, Brent. They have like a little like, would you call it a quadrangle? I love that word, go. Let's just run with it. Two laps, two laps around the front courtyard.

The quad. The quad. Thank you. Wow, I was nervous. Were there any kids crying? Oh yeah. They do get sad. Yeah mate, it's quite like, okay race one, race one.

Boys and girls race together. One girl, oh my god. Was she quick? Okay, race one, race one, boys and girls race together. One girl, oh my God. Is she quick? She was like, she won by like a lap. Send her to the Enhanced Games. Send her on, that's her. Erin Magnuson.

Mate, like it was incredible to see. I was there with my sister and I was like, look at this girl, and I was like, she's gonna slow down after the first lap, faster. Doping, she's doping. She is definitely doping. I was like, she's going to slow down after the first lap faster. Doping. She's doping. She's definitely doping. I was thinking that. Can I tell you, when I was in primary school, there was a, there was a rumour, older years, not kinder years, there was rumours of a kid that was doping.

Why? Because he was like... Lightning. He was like, start fast, go really fast in the middle and then finish really fast. Where is he now? His name's James Magnuson. I don't know. I think it was just like a rumour that spreads through the schoolyard.

I know we were talking the other week about Oscar wanting to be the fastest and like the street cred within the school. It gets you being number one. I was like, I wonder how Molly's going to go. Like she wasn't into it leading up to the race. She was like, why do we, we spoke about it. She's like, why do we? But what reason?

Because you have to, but I need a reason. But why? I was like, because it's fun. And the boys are just like foaming at the mouth at the start line. The boys were all like, the teachers just lick off the leashes. And they're like,

The greyhounds of the school. But there was like, there was triumphs. There were tears, not Marley's race. There's one boy, one boy and everyone had finished. He had about 50 meters to go. He was coming last and he just stopped and said, I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. No glory.

And then, and then he kind of stopped and then cause it was high, it wasn't a, it wasn't a big space and there was a lot of kids moving around and the teachers, you know, it's like kindy classes. So they're not super serious about it, but then they kind of started the next race and he hadn't finished. And then the mom was there going, Oh, like Billy, Billy hasn't finished the race. And then he just stood there and then she had to then go get Billy and he didn't want to finish because he was so embarrassed.

I was like, ah. He's definitely going to have a podcast when he's older. But Marley was very excited. How did she go? Good. She was like, middle of the pack. Middle of the pack. That's good.

That's what you want. When like Oscar was like middle of the pack too, but he lost a shoe on the first... I remember. I remember we had at school, we had a Stephen Bradbury moment at a regional carnival. So the regional carnival was close to us. It was sort of like in Narrabin around the lake, but it gets really muddy there.

Like a spritz of rain. And it's like a slip and slide. Dangerous. Anyway, I was in the race. I wasn't part of this moment. I wasn't that good at cross country. I didn't know. I tell everyone I was.

They were all sort of getting close to like the final bend. Yeah. And the final bend was really muddy and they all slipped over and then it's just someone waltz through. Not me. Not you. I wish it was me. It did bump me up a few positions

but I were all like slipped over real injured. But they were like, yes, oh my God, yes. It's like, there is something about, it can be any level, any age, any type of sporting event and I'm locked in. Oh yeah. I'm putting money on it. I was able to race back here for this record. How'd you go? What was your time back? I was like, you're in. You're like hold the baton.

Marley's like holding the baton out. You're like, I've got it! But I wanted to stay. I was like, I want to see the big kids. Because from grade one they then split it to boys and girls. It starts getting serious. You get the clipboard out. Yeah. He's got potential. I was like, I want to fucking hang around for the full show. But obviously I had to be here.

So I'm missing the action right now. We can go back after this. They'll be running all day. The race will be over. But it's very nerve wracking as a parent. When do they have athletics? That's really going to be nerve wracking. Yeah, I spoke to my sister about that.

And only until grade three do they do like long jump. Up until then, it's like egg and spoon race. I can't imagine Marley and Oscar trying to do long jump. Oh, thanks. And Marley's just been like, why are we doing this? And Oscar's just like, jump higher! He's so competitive. Oh, yeah.

I do recall primary school being like, the faster you run, the more chicks you got. It's annoying, though, how much. How much the kids really enjoy you being there. I missed this one, though, because I was here. Remember? Sorry. No, April was there. She cried the whole time because I was here. Remember? Sorry. No, April was there. She cried the whole time.

I was like, why? Stop crying. Yeah, dude. It's an emotional morning. I think she was more crying for like the third grade, who were crying and didn't want to do it. I don't want to do it. I'm more of a bookworm.

I'm more of a library guy. But I wasn't going to go and I'm glad I did. I'm glad. Yeah, yeah. As you know, as they run past you and they get they look at you in the eyes, they just light up. What sort of shoes was she in? She had Adidas. Those blacks?

No, she just upgraded from the Nikes to the Adidas. Oh, right. There we go. There were kids running in like full jumpers and tracksuits. And I was like, what are you doing? What do you mean? Like the school jumpers and tracksuits? Yeah.

They didn't come in like aerodynamic tracksuits? I could see Marley running in the same thing Cathy Freeman had on. There was one girl, because obviously you got the option of like the dress or the sport, and she was wearing, one girl was wearing the dress with stockings and like ballet slippers, shoes.

Yeah, she got tippy-toe her way over there. Yeah. She's like, I've got this. Very good. Speaking of shoes, there's a new addition to the Wicks household. What do you got? We're walking past, we're in Big W and we're walking past a slipper rack. And it had slippers.

April loves a good slipper. And they had kids' Ugg boots too. Does she go gown? She looks like a gown kind of gal. Yeah, I told you that story where I've thrown a few gowns out because she hangs onto them and one time, this is when she stopped cooking for me, is she was stirring spaghetti and the sleeve was in it.

And I was like... Get rid of it! And then she leant down and went to taste it. And I was like, oh, bring that mouth over here now. Anyway, yes, there was Ugg boot rack. Yeah. And April was like, oh, I need Ugg boots. They're like eight bucks.

Perfect. Kids, Oscar got a pair too, which were like a green. They were dinosaur. Macy wanted something similar, but they only had rainbow ones. They're covered in rainbow, which are really, really cute. But it's been a couple of weeks since we've had them and the kids love them. The only complaint from Oscar the whole time was, oh, my feet are really sore in these.

And I was like, oh, it's probably because they're shit, right? They're just cheap shit, right? Yeah, but like, shouldn't be sore in an Ugg boot. I know, but I was like, oh, like, trying to explain what you mean. Anyway, a couple of weeks went by and he was like really complaining about it. I was like, give it here. Bring it here, old man, let me have a look.

Now a little quick look at these ones. Get them up, I'm gonna prop them up. And I was like, oh, okay, no wonder. He's got the papers and the cardboard that keeps them in shape still in there. That'll do it. And I was like, how did you fit your foot in there? And he was like, oh, I just crunched my toes.

You fucking idiot. And then I looked in the other shoe and it was the same. So you know when you go to try on shoes and the attendant goes, takes out the mesh paper stuff and the cardboard that keeps it in shape. He's walking around for weeks. Like the Chinese bound feet. I looked down, he's got a carpal tunnel. I'm like, you're five. He's walking around for weeks. Like the Chinese bound feet. I looked down, he's got a carpal tunnel.

I'm like, you're five. He's like this. He didn't want to say like, I think these might be a bit too small for me. Yeah, cause then he thought I might take them off him. Oh no. So I was like, why didn't you? He was like, I told you they were small.

I'm like, you need to be more specific. He's probably thinking, why are people so obsessed with his Ugg boots? They're fucking terrible. They're a terrible shoe. But it was when we pulled it out, he was so embarrassed. He was like, oh, and then when we when he's realised that how dope he is about about this particular thing, he fucking

just took off up the hallway, like in his room, slammed the door. You're like, But he must have been like, oh, pretty damn good now. Yeah, now he's like, oh, he's like, can I do cross country in these? Last week, I had a tricky night, Ash. Tricky, tricky, tricky night. Lola's dropped her naps at daycare. I had to give them an email. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. She's not napping. Beautiful. But apparently that the kids, because they ramp up the learning, the learning ramps up. So they get more tired. Bullshit. And that's just teachers going, you know what?

Let's fucking just put them all to sleep. Yeah. Let's have a long lunch. They're like, hey, have some melatonin. Well, they've said, yeah, we'll keep a close eye on her. We make sure she won't have a sleep. She comes home and she's exhausted. She's absolutely gassed.

Just like any little thing sets her off. Because she's probably used to the naps now. And also because she's been, last week, she was missing mom as well. But it was like, it was tough, dude. It was tough. I was like, you was tough, dude. It was tough. I was like, you need to have one piece of code on your plate. Just eat one vegetable.

And she was like, you're a terrible guy. I hate you. And I was like, and then like brushing her teeth. I was like, you need to, you just need to brush your teeth. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just like get the toothbrush in there. And she was like, you are a terrible father. And I was like, okay.

Okay. I was copying that the whole Bed Bath Dinner routine. Like start to finish. Put up a story. And I was like, this is what I've copped. And just to make myself and hopefully you feel a little bit better. I'll never feel better.

I'm just gonna read you a couple of messages that I got from people. Oh yes, please. Ash, I now know that kids, once they hit, I think it's the age of like four, they start to understand the dialogue that cuts deep to parents. Oh yeah, yeah.

And like Lola uses it all the time. Good thing I'm as petty, just as petty as them. So one person wrote to me, Ash. She said, I got, you're not the best mummy in the world anymore when I let go of her hand after cuddling her for after one and a half hours to go to sleep. Brutal.

And then from her dad, he says, mate, my five year old boy just started yelling like a banshee saying that I don't love him anymore because I say words that are bad to him all the time. The bad words were, it's time for bed now. You're naughty. Yeah. Oh, they just know. The neighbors probably think I'm horrible to him. Okay. Last one. Yeah. The other day my four and a half year old was eating breakfast with me and his

one and a half year old brother when he said, looked at me in the eyes and mentioned, we just like mom more than you, but that's okay. Just so brutally honest. I remember Oscar poking my tummy the other day. He goes, why is it so squishy? You fuck. And then I locked him in my tummy the other day and he goes, why is it so squishy? I was like, you fuck. And then I locked him in the cupboard. It's so hurtful, isn't it?

Like if they said it early and they don't really understand, but now that you say to them, don't say that you hate people, it's really strong word and all that sort of stuff. And then they whip that back at you. Like, I wish I never fucking taught you that. I sometimes am tempted to say this. You're a bad daughter. Just get as petty.

Well sometimes Lola will look at me and she's like, you got a really big nose. And I'm like, it's not nice to mention anything about someone else's personal appearance. And okay, one time I did say you have funny teeth. That's not that bad. Okay, so I was like, of all the insults I'm gonna go with about appearance, I'll go with teeth. That's not that bad. Okay. So I was like of all the insults I'm going to go with about appearance, I'll go with teeth.

Yeah. I said funny. Right? Yeah. You could have gone mangy. Fucked it. She was like, what? And I was like, I doubled down.

I was like, yeah, you got funny teeth. Balling her eyes out. Ran to mum and she's like, Daddy just said I have funny teeth. And I was like, I'm trying to teach her a lesson here. And she's like, don't say that to them. But I feel like that's the only thing that's going to make her understand. If I'm like, you're a bad daughter. How do you feel?

That's how I feel when you call me. Oh, I hate you too. Yeah, I get petty too. I respond back. Like if Oscar's like something about Yeah, I get petty too. I respond back. Like if Oscar's like something about me, I'm like, well guess what? Yours is gonna look the same. It's like, it's called genetics, genius.

Oscar hates it when you just laugh in his direction. You're laughing at me. Yeah, I'm trying to teach him laughing with you and laughing at you. So the other day he fell over in the mud out the front. He was playing with the mate. They were mucking around. They were both muddy.

And I was like, look how muddy you are. As like, this is fun. You're having fun. If you're muddy, you've had fun, right? And he just went red and just stormed off, full muddied into the house, into his bed, fully muddied. And I was like, guess what? And he was like, what?

I was like, you got to sleep in there now. Like, hey, we have been teasing your mother who's been so patient, so patient, sitting on the couch, not said a word. Yeah. So quiet as a mouse. As a mouse. Let's bring her in. Let's have a quick chat.

Yes. Let's bring her in. Let's have a quick chat. Yes. Let's bring her in. Can I just say? Yes. We have been trying to get you on the podcast for a long, long time. Yes. Things kept happening. I've been very resistant. Really?

No. Never. Can't believe that. You have to talk into the microphone. OK. This is my... Don't yell at your mother like that. Sorry. I'm sorry.

This is... I'm nervous. You're more nervous than me. I'm nervous. I is my mom. Don't yell at your mother like that. Sorry, I'm sorry. Grab her head. I'm nervous. You're more nervous than me. I'm nervous. I'm fucking nervous. Let's go. Straight off the bat, someone did message in and we have talked about Ash's recent ADHD diagnosis.

Does that come as a surprise? No. No, no. He was a very full on child and especially since his older sister was extremely easy going. It was very noticeable. That's debatable. But then lots of people used to say to me that Beth was the odd one, that Ash was actually the more than normal one.

Thank you. Thank you, mum. That was what people used to say to me. With Ash, when did you realise that, gosh, this could be a tricky baby? Tricky's the wrong word. When did you hate Ash? Didn't. Well, he didn't sleep at night very much. And he was very loud and very vocal, even as a baby.

People used to say to me, what's wrong with him? And I'd just be lying there verbalizing. And I'd just say, like, he just likes the sound of his own voice. Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. Yes. But he was extremely loving and very cute during the day. At night, he was a little demon.

In fact, so bad that we actually got letters in the box from the neighbours complaining about this child screaming half the night. How bad was it? Well, after about nine months where occasionally I'd just sleep through it all. Yeah, did you get immune to it? No, not immune, just exhausted, just pass out really. We dealt with it while we took him out of his bedroom and put him in the hallway.

And we blocked the front door so no one could come through the front door. We did the same thing. Yeah, yeah. There was no windows in the hallway. And the neighbors on the other side were a bit more forgiving. They were deaf, pretty much.

They were old. And so what, another neighbor wrote you a letter. Yeah, yeah. Also, that's a bit passive aggressive. Didn't the cops come? No, the cops didn't come. I got this note, I was a bit taken back, and those neighbors hadn't been in there long, and I went over there,

and it was about nine or 10 in the morning, she offered me a glass of wine. So there you go. Oh, okay, that's the sort of people we're dealing with. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I'm not the problem, she offered me a glass of wine. So there you go. Oh, okay, that's the sort of people we deal with. Yes. Yeah, yeah. I'm not the problem, Matthew. Yeah. Just that's what I'm getting from this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were very loud, though. You were so loud that you actually, when you actually started speaking and talking, you could tell that he'd actually damaged. He's always had a very- I had this voice when I was like three. Yeah.

Oscar's like, hey, dad. I was like, hey, dad. Pass the coloring pen. Get over here. I had this voice when I was like three. Oscar's like, hey dad. I was like, hey dad. Pass the coloring pen. Get over here. Have a quick cig. Yes, well. And was there a moment where he became obedient? Did he grow out of that phase?

No dog. When was he toilet trained? Was he someone that liked to bend the rules? Oh, he pushed the envelope. You couldn't give him an inch, he'd want a mile. There's numerous, numerous examples of that. At one stage, we'd had a bit of a do at home and we had some leftovers, beers.

And Wayne's, his dad's not a really big beer drinker, so we'd stuck him in the cupboard up the top shelf. And then we had something else coming up and I said, oh, there's that beer up there, and then go up there and there's no bear there. Oops. And he's about 13 or 14 and Wayne always, he thinks his father wanted to overreact.

I'm going, oh no, just be chilled, it's okay. Yeah. So, you know, I sat him down, oh yeah, I shouldn't have done that, blah, blah, blah. You know, blah, blah, blah. Anyway. How did he respond when he got caught, when he was found red-handed?

We were trying to downplay it and not make it a huge issue. Yeah. He knew it was wrong. Did you? No. But the funny thing was- I was drunk, how was I supposed to know? The funny thing was, about two or three days later,

he rang me up at work and goes, I'm going down to a mate's place. Can I take a couple of beers? You did him, cheeky bugger. Example of Ashton. You can't, couldn't sort of say, and really you're dudding yourself. I should've just taken him.

No, because if I knew I could give him an inch and he wouldn't want a mile. Yeah. Because with Beth, you could say, oh Beth, you can do this today and then she'd never ask to do it again. Oh, she was hiding shit probably. Yeah.

I'm not the only one in that house that was like that. So just saying that. I'd love to get your version of events because I know there was a case when Ash was a little bit older that you had to pick him up from the police station. Oh yes, 16, Queensland. He was very lucky he wasn't 17,

because in Queensland they wouldn't have phoned his parents. Yeah. Really? So he had different rules up there. Yeah. And we're very close to the border, obviously. And he managed to talk one of his mates, older brother, into giving him a driver's license.

His driver's license. Fake ID? You look similar. No. Yeah. Kinda, dark hair. They were Italian. They were Italian.

Yeah. He could have been a brother. Yeah. Yeah, okay. And so I'm in bed, it was during the week too, I was in bed. It was Thursday night. Yeah, yeah.

Or Friday morning at this point. And I got this phone call, oh this is Bull Beach Police Station, we've got your son here. I went, what? And he goes, oh can you come up and I think I actually rang back because I thought, oh bloody mates are playing tricks or something. And they're, oh yeah, we know, we've got him here.

And did they tell you on the phone call why? Oh, he tried to get into the casino, which was across the road, which is like, pick a pub. Thanks, Bob. Thanks for the advice. Yeah, yeah, you know, it was like the most strictly policed thing. There's no way they're gonna go,

oh, mate, you're joking, go away, go home. No, they've gotta phone the cops and do all the procedural things to maintain their licenses. Why wouldn't you just pick like a crappy little RSL? I was dumb. It was very dumb. He had the striped sweatshirt on. It was such a good one.

Wait, what? You had what on? I laughed my head out of it when I saw him. What did you have on? A striped t-shirt. Like a bucket. A sweatshirt, no, a sweatshirt. It was like-

Like a child. It's something that screams 16 year old boy. I look like Oscar. He looks like a 16 year old boy trying to get into the casino. What did you say to the person when he was like, this is not your ID? I was like, yeah, it is. And then he was like, what's your middle name? And I got it wrong. I got it wrong. I got the birthday wrong too. And then he was like, I was like, oh fuck.

And then my mate was like, run, run. And I was like, I'm in the middle of the casino, where am I going to run to? The buffet. And then they came around the corner, arrested me in the middle of the casino. And... Who got you, the cops or the security? The cops. The casino, the security guard kept me there, but the cop station was literally across the road.

They were there in a heartbeat. They were like, this is the easiest job ever. Tuesday night or Thursday night? Thursday night. Nothing's happening. But the thing is, it happened so fast that I got, we got, me and my mate got dropped off by our girlfriends, right? They were like, oh, have a good night guys.

Cause we were going, we were meant to go to a bar that's on the outside of the casino, but I think Josh was like, Oh, my mates are in, they're just in the casino. We'll just go meet them and we'll go. I was like, Oh yeah, so we are getting in. No worries. So confident, a bit pissed. I mean, I wasn't drunk and then, uh, yeah, I was getting arrested and I look over and both of our girlfriends are still in the car party

looking over at me going, and I'm up against the cop car like this. And then, yeah, there I am in the cop shop for the first time. Calling out a police. Yeah, well, that was different. That was different. That was different. That was different. Let's not talk about that one.

And then, yeah, all I remember is mum coming through the front door. And they said to me, he's lying to us. I just walked into there and I said, you fucking idiot, don't lie to the police. Hey, no. Yeah. What are you doing?

And anyway, so they took us into the room, videoed us and everything. Oh, the full idea. The most embarrassing moment of my life. Oh, it's yours. I'm reliving that right now. And the other thing was that his grandmother, Nanny Olive, was there at our place. And she loves it drama.

And she's like, oh, that's right. And I said to her, got off the phone. It was like three o'clock in the morning too. No, it wasn't. It was only like 10 or 11. Because I got off the phone and I said to your father, he was still up. I was in bed because I was working the next day and he was back out. And I said to him, you go and get your son. All of a sudden I become his son. Yeah yeah yeah. It's a boy thing, you go deal with it. And he goes, oh, I've had two glasses of wine. How do you know?

I went, oh, the apple doesn't fall. Oh. So, and then Olive goes, oh, I'll come. And she's the biggest drama queen, mate. Oh, and she would have been in there talking to all the cops and telling all the stories. Mum's like one of the only people that can tell Nan no and she'll listen.

Yeah, I just went, no, Olive, you're staying here with your son. and telling all the stories. Mum's like one of the only people that can tell Nan no and she'll listen. Yeah, I just went, no, Olive, you're staying here with your son. She actually gave me money to go out that night. Oh, did she? Yeah. Did she? That'd be right.

I'm Nan's only grandson, so I'm like top tier. Oh yeah, sport rotten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I remember mum walking in, I remember them sitting me down in that room where they were filming and recording and... What about when you wanted to go to the toilet? Oh yeah, so I was like, I really need to go to the toilet.

And they were in this mode of like, that scare this kid. And it was the only thing going on, it was a quiet night. They had all these police on them. There was one other guy in the lockup who was mental and they were like, put him in with him. And I was like, no! And they were like put him in with him. And I was like no! And they were like alright well we'll see you out here but if you misbehave.

And they kept going in with Clive. Yeah pretty much he was at the door like let me out here. And then I was like oh fuck. And then they kept coming up to me with like pictures of known criminals and putting them next to my head to see if I was the same. Like I was the same. No, I'm not kidding at all. Not a joke at all.

Weinsley and Cop. Yeah. And were they like, oh no, not gonna be? They were just like a bunch of photos. And then they were like, they had like this woman there that was across. She was working like across from where I was sitting. And they have obviously. Being a cop sounds fun.

I know. Staring to be pages. She was like across from where I was sitting and they have obviously... Being a cop sounds fun. I know. Staring to be pages. She was like real intimidating. Like her hair slicked back and she was like, don't move. I was like, oh. He was pretty teary-eyed on my god. Yeah, and then I was like, I need to go to the toilet.

They're like, yeah, we'll come and what? We're watching. I was like, what? Why would you watch me? And I don't know what's going on. They're like, just in case you drop something down there. I was like, like what? They're like, we don't know. You tell us. And I was like, no? What? Why would you watch me? And I don't know what's going on. They're like, just in case you drop something down there. I was like, like what?

They're like, we don't know. You tell us. And I was like, no, I got nothing. And I had to hold on because I was too scared to go to the toilet. And then mum walks in and they sit us down. They have the video camera on. They have the whole interrogation thing going on and asking me questions. And I don't think I got a single word out because I cried the whole time. Yeah.

And then it was the, oh, you've used a stolen license across the border. So it's a cross-border felony. Oh, yeah. I was going to Guantanamo Bay. We lived in Tweedy at a New South Wales driver's license. We were in Queensland, so we'd gone across the border, and that makes it that much worse, apparently. It was brutal.

And even though he tried to say he'd found this licence, oh, it's stealing by finding. Yeah, like, yeah. It was a naughty. So it was like, you're going to jail, mate. Oh, I thought I was going to jail. They made it to the point, and then they were like. Well, actually, it's probably lucky that happened

because it kind of straightened you out a little bit. Yeah, well. Yeah, let's go with that. It put us onto him. They found me out pretty quick. You must be very proud though at how Ash has turned out. Oh yeah, absolutely. He's a fine young gentleman.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he, as I said, during the day, he has always been extremely loving about his family, and he's very loyal. Sing it now. Sing it. Yeah. So, you know, I knew it'd be right. And he's not dumb. Well, he's not. He can figure things out. He figured that out and was like, okay, I don't want to go do this again. He's the type of person that can turn his hand do anything, I think.

I'm feeling, I'm blushing. I'm blushing. Let's turn that off. Let's, I do want to ask you. Here's an example of how loving he is. Go on, please. When, when I'm, he was 20 or something, he was at home still. And I, I went over to New Zealand for a while to do some study and stuff. Okay, well, definitely. And then he took me to the airport, well, he must have been busy, took me into the airport and he wept

the whole time at the airport. And even when his sister went to Europe at 18, we drove her up to Brisbane and he cried all the way home. Oh my gosh, you big suck. He is, he's a very loving man. He's got lots of love. Oh my God.

Whenever I talk about crying, he has a go at me. And you're the town crier. I wanna, hang on, I'm gonna back myself up here a little bit. Just put yourself in my shoes for a moment. Yeah. Firstly, my sister moves away. Secondly, my mum moves away. I felt abandoned, Matthew. They're left, my sister moves away. Secondly, my mum moves away.

I felt abandoned, Matthew. And normally you have to stay here with your dad. And I was like, oh, God. And it was like I went the hierarchy after they left went Dad, Dog, Ash. And I was like, I knew that was going to happen. And I was just just I was sad about it. I was sad. Do you have any PTSD being a grandmother now? Like is Oscar similar to what Ash was like?

Very similar. I got his little, you know, when I see him, he happens to be going to the same school that Ashton went to. And to see him in his school uniform was such a flashback. It was like, he's very similar build. He's not quite as, he's not quite as, he's not as much of a people person.

You were always very, like all my family, my brother, and I would love Ashton because he was, he was up for it. You know, and Oscar's a bit more, you know, a bit more mellow than that. But he's very similar, very sporty, a bit of love as to kick a ball. Quick as a whip. Yeah.

He's like, yeah, I see so much. Energy plus. I see so much. And now that, yeah, he goes to school at the same school, I'm like wigging out. Every time you take him there, must be weird. The same little crossing lady is there. And I spoke to her the other day,

and I was like, how long have you been here for? And she was like, 30 something years. I said, do you know, the last day of school here in 2002, I, you know, it's an emotional day. Like you've been with these cute friends for like, you're all splitting up to go to different high schools in some instances. I was sad, but I never let a tear out.

That's a lie. Until I crossed the road and I said to him, like you would never, you would have a million kids you see every day. And I was like, you're the last person I saw when I left this school. Oh wow. I was like, it's your fault.

But yeah. You are a big softie. I'm a big softie when I need to be, yeah, for sure. But I like to suppress that, bury it right down. Betard, we did get one more question. If you don't mind, mate, we got time? Please. Okay.

One more question that came from a close friend of mine that was through Instagram. They wanted to understand your account of my twisted testicle as a teenager. Just give us the, how it went down. We house swapped with some old neighbours. We'd moved to Queensland, oh not Queensland, Tweet Heads. And I think not that summer, but the following summer,

we swapped houses with some old neighbours. So we moved into their house just before Christmas. Yeah. And Ash straight away, onto the mates, going surfing, blah, blah, blah, and off he disappears. And then I get this phone call from him, but later in the day,

oh, I've got a bit of a tummy ache, blah, blah, blah. And I'm going, have you been eating McDonald's? Guilty. And he goes, oh yeah. I see. I said, well, you know, maybe you just got tummy ache from eating too much from eating McDonald's too fast, blah, blah, blah.

And then a couple hours after that, I get another phone call, but this is from the boy's mum. There's something really wrong with her. She's got this really bad pain, blah, blah, blah. So I said, okay. So we went, Wayne, dad went and got him. And then he comes back and then he comes in the house and he leaves Ashley in the car and he goes, there's something wrong with him. You better take him to the doctor.

My dad, the doctors don't go well. He doesn't deal with things like that. But he works in like pharmacy. Anyway, so it's like the day before Christmas. And so we go to the local medical center. Wait, wait, wait. There's only one doctor on blah, blah, blah. Get in there and he goes, oh, I think it could be a twisted testicle. You better go to the hospital.

So then we get up to the hospital and they were really good because by this stage he was sweating, he was grey. Dude, I'm telling you right now, the most painful thing I've ever been through. I was sitting in a chair in the waiting room and I was like, I was white knuckling that chair so hard, I thought I was melting the plastic. Which is, it was.

It was only 14 or 15. You must have been. Excruciating. As a mother. The worst part is when dad. No, I'm thinking, oh, we had people coming around for barbecues. Yeah.

Oh, it's not thinking about me. When dad picked me up, cause he hadn't seen my mate's mum in ages, and I was in pain, my dad could talk the leg off a chair, he decides to have a full conversation with this person. I'm in the car, I'm beeping the horn, and he's like, fuck it, I stop being rude.

And I was like, it's my fucking nuts. And he's just went, why? I'm sure you didn't use it. The nuts ended up fine. You've had now two beautiful children. Yes. When you look at the father that Ash has turned into, what makes you most proud?

The patience he shows, the hands-on, because you guys are so much more hands-on. Don't blame him. Let's just sit it out. Yeah, yeah. And the thirst for knowledge. I mean, we didn't really, we just sort of just did what our parents did.

Well, now you guys think a lot more deeper about it, the whole parenting thing. And so I really admire that. His relationship with April is very good and his in-laws, that's very good. I'm getting, all I'm hearing is that I'm likable. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Did you? And he's always been, he's always been, you know, he's not lazy. He's a big, you know, he's not set on his butt. I remember thinking of him because he left school. He took himself off from school. And I said, you can't leave school because he was in year 10. And if he would stayed in Sydney, there's no way he would have left school at year 10. But everybody up there leaves at year 10 because all the dads are tradings.

And I said, well, you need to get yourself something. So he did. He went out and got himself an apprenticeship, which I knew he wouldn't finish. I said, he'd be bored, stupid. I did, I did my time. I just haven't finished the education part. Yeah, but I knew he wouldn't sort of stay on that level.

Well, you've raised a great young man. And I'm very privileged to call him a friend and a co-host. Now, did you ever catch him masturbating? Wow. Oh, for real? No, I did ask him once though, because after the operation, the doctor did say to me, oh, you might want to take him off just to make sure everything's working. And I remember six months later thinking,

oh, you know, do I really want to bother with that? I just said to him, how's it going down there? And he went, well, it's all right, it must be all right. Okay, great, great. That's as close as she came, that's for sure. Hopefully, fucking hell. All right, let's wrap this up. Yeah, thank you so much for joining us.

All right, it has been enlightening. Thank you, thank you for having me. Pleasure. All right, let's wrap this up. Before I hang up. Yeah, thank you so much for joining us. All right. It has been enlightening. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Pleasure. Thank you, mom. Ash, it is time for listener questions. We are gonna revisit Pear Rants next week. For sure, for sure.

So do not panic. We've got some bangers coming. People are probably thinking right now, where is that theme song? I know, they're probably like, I need a headache today, quick. It'll come back next week. Fear not. So questions, Ash, I'll come back next week. Fear not.

So questions. Ash, I've got one for you. Ash, I would like to know, this is a question from myself. I submitted this on social media, two doting dads on Instagram. And I set the question in and the question reads. Well said. Ash, are there any places that you feel should be child free? My house. Definitely.

To start with. I did see there was a Reddit thread and someone said, I think everywhere should be child free. And we should just have designated child areas. Like where you go for smoking. Oh, that's genius. Yeah. Like a pub.

There's only spots that you can have your kid in that part of the pub. You get fined if your kid's like not in a leash or something. I'm just gonna start telling my kids that. I would say the shops. I think like, okay, let me be specific. Okay. The shops themselves in a shopping center,

but the shopping center bit where there's like the playground and stuff can kids in there. But like, for example, if it's like there's like the playground and stuff can kids in there but like for example if it's like there's a toy shop no kids allowed in there. Is this is this for yourself? Yeah not for them. This is so that I don't have to do with meltdown. Also if they're not allowed in Woolies I'd get shit done so much faster. I agree. If it's like hey kids you're not allowed to be here. Woolies have got like a crash or a crèche however you want to pronounce it out the front. A crash. And it's like, hey kids, you're not allowed to be here. Woolies have got like a crèche or a crèche, however you want to pronounce it, out the front. A crèche. And it's just a pen.

And you just herd them in. They've got a blue healer that herds them in. Perfect. Like they're sheep. Is this a thing or is this what you want it to be? This is what I want it to be. Sorry. Yes. I was like, wow.

Where is this? What about you? What have you got? This is, it's hard because I'm also like hindering myself and my people, the other parents. But I reckon Ash, I reckon, maybe this should just be not as a blanket rule that kids should not be allowed on this particular. Why do I feel like this is going to be groundbreaking?

I would like there to be, this is long haul flights. Particular flights that you can book where it's entirely child free. Genius. So obviously, like, you're not going to, there'll be other flights available. Like a swingers cruise. So if I'm traveling with the kids, absolutely. Yeah. There's the option to book a child friendly flight. But if I'm traveling by myself trying to escape the kids,

I just think there should be a flight. Even if there's like the big, big planes, there's like two stories. Like put the kids down the bottom of the basement and then upstairs can be child... In cages? Yes. In the body of the plane next to the pets. Like you carry your pets out. And then upstairs can be child cages. Yes. Yes. Yeah. In the body of the plane next to like the pets. Like you carry your pets out.

You like just check them in. You like put them in a carrier and you're like, oh I see you. Adios. I see you in Bali. See you in the other side. Maybe. I'm not there to comfort you if something happens. I just think like I sympathise with parents.

I would never have a crack at anyone who's got a screaming child. But when you've escaped your kids and you then have to sit next to a kid. That's what we're talking about taking a trip without the kids this year. Just like a couple of nights. I said to April, because she was like, what about this place, this place? And I was like, there's kids in the photos. I'm not going anywhere near a place that has fucking kids. Are you going to book an adult only?

Yeah. Are you? Yeah. Fucking oath. Are you going to book an adult only? Yeah. Are you? Yeah, fucking oath. Are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I see a kid, I'm just kind of throw him into the ocean. So, I bet like I...

You haven't seen my Timmy, have you? Nope. No. Nope. He can swim, right? Anyway, I totally agree. Because I know like when I was younger and I was on, like if I had no kids and getting on a flight

and I get onto a flight, cause I would buy a cheap ticket and there'd be fucking like 10 screaming kids around me. It drove me crazy. But I was obviously much younger and didn't understand what the parents were going through. Did you see, just on this really quick, that someone went viral,

someone made little gift bags for the people sitting around them to say, hey, look, just as a pre apology if my child is a bit disturbed during the flight. And I had like some little snackies, some lollies, little Sudoku puddles. If a random person is like, hey, go on, here's a little gift bag. It's not given as a kid. Yeah. No, well, I'm just like, what do you got in there?

A couple of pills? It was clear, because that's the only way you can get it on the plane. They were like, you know how they're like, in that to be in those ziplock bags. And it's just got in their little notes saying, hi, my child is X years old. I don't know if the child might have been autistic or something. And it was just like, just, just want to say thank you for your patience. Yeah. You're going to have a terrible experience on this flight, but just to

manage your expectations, this is what's going to happen. Because like, that's a nice touch. There was also that other video where that guy was on a 12 hour flight and that kid would not stop annoying him and no one was saying anything to the kid. Remember? Did you say that? No. So he was there, headphones on. He must have interacted once with a kid.

You know, sometimes if you interact with a kid and it's a one off to you, but they think it's a game. Yeah. And he was like knocking their headphones off his head. And the parent was like, and the guy was like, This is hell. He started filming it because it was so bad.

12 hours. Dude. Bringing these child free flights. That's why I'm saying child free flights. Yeah. Because it's like, they're in business class now these kids. I know.

Unbelievable. Oh, but'll bet you do. OK, Matthew, it is my turn. And I have a question for you. Hit me. And that question is as follows. Turn this down if you've got kids in the car. At what age do you think that you start to tell your kids that certain things aren't real?

Just preface this to the parents who've... I reckon it has to be done when you start copping a lot of heat, right? Because we have now, we've got the question from Mali of like, well how does, how does he do it? Yeah. There are so many people, such a short amount of time. How is that possible?

And I'm like, well it's magic. And they're like, oh, sure. Like question, answer, put it to rest. But once they start like really starting to grill you and they're like. Strong line of questioning. Yeah. Yeah. Once they're digging deeper and like the line of, you know, an answer with the word magic doesn't quench their appetite. Yeah. Well said. Thank you.

And they're like, but how? But show me how. And they don't need facts. Then I think there starts to come a time where you got to go, okay, look kid, I fucking lied to you for seven years. Yeah. I think when they figure out that you can talk into the remote control to YouTube, that's when you need to tell them before someone else does.

How did you find out Santa wasn't real? Oh look, well we didn't have Christmas in my house, remember? If you can recall from two years ago that I broke the news to that story and it was on the Daily Mail or something. Yeah it was on the news. I was getting calls from New York, we're going to make a movie about you. In my house we had no Christmas, we didn't really make a movie about you. In my house, we had no Christmas. We didn't really do Easter in my house.

Halloween was like, if a kid came to the door, mom over here, literally she'd be like, get out of here, Jesus Christ. So I don't really recall, but I know that the neighbors around us and we were really friends with, they did, so I wasn't allowed to say anything even as a kid. Cause it was like. You and that kid who was on the corner of the street being like, listen here, Timmy, they'll learn one day. But I was thinking about this question and I was thinking if you've got, if that, if your child has a younger sibling, yes, dude, that's so yeah, me too.

And it's like, do I wait until the youngest is old enough to tell them both? Or do I try and confine an Oscar who's a blabbermouth of the highest regard that you can't tell? Because he'll just hold it over and be like, do you really think Santa's real? Because I know the truth. That's what my older brother did. I was grade one and he was like, you fucking idiot. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, there is no Santa Claus.

Put the cigarette out. Yeah, yeah. It was on me. And I was like, oh. And I remember being like, you're wrong. He is real. Wrong answer. Here he comes.

And I think I ran to mom and I was in tears being like, tell me please. Tell me it isn't so. And I think she did keep the facade going for a little bit longer. And then eventually after multiple cigarette burns by my brother, I was like, it's a sad time. It's a sad time. That is going to be a sad moment when the Tooth Fairy Easter Bunny. I think it's going to be more sad for April and the kids.

I don't really care that much because that's just a reflection of my childhood. I'm going to thank my mom for that. But yeah, look, I'm daunting the... I'm just daunting the how I'm going to explain it because realistically, if you want to get to the nut, needy ingredient, we're encouraging a stranger to enter your house in the middle of the night.

It's very confusing. And in some instances, they take a tooth. That's theft. They do replace it with money in some instances, but are we seriously going to sit here and encourage a bearded old man breaking into our house? Breaking and entering into... He'd get locked up for life. I guess he gives you stuff, but you've got to like reward him.

You've got to like, you've got to leave, you've got to feed him, you've got to give him drink. You've got, there's got to be some sort of crime about breaking into someone and actually giving them something. These kids. We'll get to the bottom of this Santa Claus thing. Ash, yes.

That is our episode done and dusted. Yes it is. Another day, another week, another episode, another journey. And if you have enjoyed this journey so far, along with us, and you haven't subscribed, let me just tell you how bitterly disappointed I am in your behaviour. Shocking.

Hop on now. We might not come back next week. Yeah, it might never happen. Or actually, wait, we will be back next week. And make sure you subscribe so it's in your inbox. Oh, tricks them. And also, what else should they do? Socials. Toodoting Dads, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook.

Or if you want to email us, hello at toodotingdads.com. Why not? Send us something not inappropriate, please. Don't send us a naked picture of Santa. Do it. Or do it. Goodbye. See ya. I've definitely got your arm at the moment because it's like, is he trying to have sex with me or what?

It's like fucking back off. He's trying to get me to give him fellatio. You know? I mean you're like nudgy cock into your eye like that. To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.