Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #153 Peanut Butter Lunch, Stool Samples And Fake Illnesses

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

Poor Oscar, Ash's son, has to learn one of the hardest lessons a kid has to learn this week.  Meanwhile, Ash gets recognised at possibly the worst moment imaginable, and Matt’s attempt at being a good Samaritan backfires.  We also answer your questions:  What are the top 3 lame things you do now that you're a parent? How do I tell my partner that I appreciate them without using words? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You know the video we did about the tens machine. Yes, I do recall a couple of comments on this There was one ash That said why is his hair always dirty? whose Well, I think me I had a hat on didn't I yeah Yeah, is my hair. It's always a bit shit. I can't I showered I brushed it kind of why you mean it's not dirty Thank you. Well, it's maybe their phones dirty and it's just reflecting on your hair. I don't wash my hair No, I okay who washes their hair. Well, I mean is it a problem

No, you sure to put water on it. Of course washed Of course, it's always a bit because the back is a bit self-conscious. I almost wore a beanie today. That would look weird if you wore a beanie. Okay, that's not doing any favors for myself. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Matty J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting.

It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And there is no advice from Ash, from myself, from anyone. No real advice. In this episode advice We're not about giving advice. Okay, what we are about is giving advice. No, no, no, sorry What are we about? Very good. Go on confusing. This is what we're about. Let me tell you something

Let me tell you what happened today. Just really quickly was fresh Okay, Oscar this morning in bed for a cuddle. Love that. Then... Very cold this morning. Was. One of the coldest mornings? Oh, look, my house is just freezing all the time. It is so fucking cold. But we have a... I just want to say, when I wake up on mornings like today and I'm cold, I think of you. I

think of you and your friend. You're technically homeless. I don't know, I'm like, god, I hope he's okay out there. Homeless are warmer than me. Anyway, we have an electric blanket on our bed. I'm not allowed to have the electric saw on because I left it on one too many times. I've been banned. So when mum goes to the gym and the kids come in for a cuddle we scooch on over

to the wall side to the the affluent side of the bed and Like in India when there's like literally one road and on one side it's like before they will And on the other side, it's the nice house this one. It's like you're I'm in the slums Anyway, so we scooch over and Oscar's like, oh, I've got a bit of a sore throat. Bro, you're sick, chill. And I was like, oh, I guess you can't go on your excursion today. He's like, just kidding. I'm just kidding. And I was like, yeah, so you gotcha. Anyway, he's super excited about that, about this first excursion at big school today.

They're getting on a bus, a chartered bus. Nice. All together, the whole grade. Where are they off to? God. Such a dad thing to say. You got me. You got me. Don't ask me what his true GP is, because I won't be able to tell you that either.

Anyway, he's super excited this morning. Dropped him off at school. He wanted to go early. You got me. You got me. Don't ask me what his GP is because I won't be able to hear that either. Super excited this morning. Dropped him off at school. He wanted to go early. He's got to watch. He's got to watch for his birthday. So now he thinks he can tell the time and it's annoying. What watch did you get him?

It's just a digital Minecraft one. It just has like the numbers. It's right. And he can be like, it's nine three. But he has no idea what that means. No, he has no idea what that means. No, he has no idea what that means. So anyway, he went to school, really excited, and I've just received a text message from April,

who happens to be my wife, also the mother of my children, and she says, devastating. I just get you to read this out. Oh, she's, it's a school email. School email. It's a formal email Huh, do your parents and carers? That's very inclusive. I like that. Mm-hmm. It is with great disappointment It is with great dis sorry

It is with great disappointment that we were notified this morning by the charter bus company that they had canceled our booking for today's excursion to Jiburugong. Yes, an indigenous site. Namaste. Don't shush me. Is it because I'm indigenous you wanted to shush me? That was an acknowledgement. Of country? Is it because I'm indigenous you wanted to shush me? Is that right? That was an acknowledgement. Of country? Anyone wondering, Ash, what your background is?

Indigenous and I'm Makiwe. Kindergarten students have returned to their classrooms and the excursion will be rebooked for a later date. Oh, it's disappointing. That is. It's devastating. That's bad management. Do you reckon, was it at the fault of the bus company

or do you reckon they went to one of the teachers and said, hey, you did book in that bus. That's what's happened. I reckon. That's the thing when there's too many fingers in the pie. Things get missed. So April said, devastating, of course. Absolutely.

And she said, so sad, I feel for him. And my response was, he also needs to understand disappointment. So turn it into a teaching moment. These are good emotions to experience. And you reckon he's right now he's going, tickles, come back. Yeah, he'll be a sick babe this afternoon, that's for sure.

That is really sad. That is really sad. I wanna get to the bottom of that. I'll keep you posted. Who was at fault here? We'll launch a full investigation. Because if it wasn't the bus company, they're being defamed right now.

The good parents of the Northern Beaches right now, all the disappointment is targeted towards that bus company. Yeah, for sure. I don't know who it is. I'd name and shame if I knew. Can you dig a little deeper? I will be digging a little bit deeper this afternoon. I'll get to the bottom of it for you.

Wow. You're really upset about it. I can see. No, I'm rattled. I don't know. I do want to ask about Oscar's birthday. Oh yeah. I do want to ask about it. Sorry, I forgot about that.

But before I go into Oscar's birthday, I want to talk about me. I love that. And what a standout guy I am. Okay. That's enough about you. Anyway, if I may say so myself, you know, I'm someone Ash that in any situation. I feel like you're setting this up to be a real fall from grace. No, never. Carry on.

If there is ever someone in need, anyone, gender, age, nationality, I'll help anyone. Inclusive of you. Very inclusive. As is that email was very inclusive. Yes. Yes. You know, I don't want to put myself in situations where I need to be heroic,

but at the same time, those situations seem to find me. It's almost like the universe knows that I'm the kind of person that will look at danger in the face and front it head on. You're a hero in disguise. What do you mean? So're a hero in disguise. What do you mean? So you're just in disguise as a regular person. Thank you.

But you are somewhat of a hero I would say. Thank you. I will accept that with open arms. You're welcome. Do you want to know what happened? Yeah I do. No, no I don't. No. It would be very awkward if you were like- Would be. I don't know give a shit.

And that's all we've got time for. So I was getting a coffee the other morning, Ash. I don't know. Go on. It would be very awkward if you were like. It would be. I don't know, give a shit. And that's all we got time for. So I was getting a coffee the other morning, Ash. In the morning, a bit cold. I do know how you love your coffees. I love a morning coffee. You know, there's very much a line in the sand, pre-coffee, post-coffee.

There's an S. And. What was that noise that came in on it? There was a light, whoop. I was trying to think where you were going with that. I'm like, did you shit yourself? As I was going into the cafe, there was a lady who was tying a dog up to a chair. She was going to order her coffee as well.

Big staffy, I think it was a staffy. As she finished tying the dog to the chair, which was a metal chair, the chair, he kind of like shrugged a bit, the chair rattled. He worked out that it didn't weigh very much. Well, he, I wouldn't go that far. I would.

He got a little bit startled by the noise of the chair. Oh, shit, okay. So he kind of like, was like, oh, but the dog was like, oh, what the fuck is that? And the chair was like, oh. And he was like, oh, but the dog was like, oh, what the fuck is that? And the chair was like, oh. And he was like, oh, hang on, I took a step back. And as he took a step back, the chair followed him. And he was like, oh, okay, that's a bit, you know,

it's a bit scary for the dog. Dog doesn't know what a chair is. And so as the dog started to then like start to walk away, trying to get away from the chair, the chair was following the dog. Oh my goodness. And from then on, it just snowballed. So this dog then got fully freaked out, started running away.

And as the dog ran away, this chair, this chair is chasing the dog. Metal chair is bouncing up and down the road. At this point it's like trying to outrun your shadow. And this lady is like, she's an older lady she's like Billy Billy no Billy slow down Billy Billy please Billy and I'm watching this unfold and I'm like you better start running. I was like do I do I just really want to get my coffee I'll get my coffee first and then I can help her. And no one was helping this lady.

And this dog was now running through the car park with this chair, like bouncing. Luckily, missed all the cars. Oh, that is lucky. And she's like, I'm Billy, please! Billy, Billy, will you come back? Billy, please! For God's sake, Billy!

Billy! And I was like, I've got to fucking help her. Come back Billy please. For God's sake Billy. Billy. And I was like, I gotta fucking help her. You started chasing this dog didn't you? Well I was. It's such an ick. It's like chasing a bag in the wind. It's like yeah, when you drop a receipt and it. And you try to put your foot on it.

And I thought to myself, I'm not gonna chase after the dog. I kind of like. You want to act cool as well. Thank you. You want to be like, go ahead Billy. So the way that it worked out, so the dog kind of turns around and then starts heading back towards the cafe.

All of a sudden the dog's maybe like a hundred meters away. Oh no, less, 50 meters away. And it's running towards me. Full gallop. He's at pace. Lady's still yelling Billy out from the rest of the car park. And this chair is, doon, doon, doon, doon, doon, doon,

bouncing around, and I'm like, fuck, here we go. You know, I'm like a fullback on the footy field. It's me as a prop running full pace at me. And I'm... Yeah, Kaylen Ponga. And I'm there, like, ready to take on this dog and I was like you know what I've got this I've got this I'm gonna save the day I will rescue Billy best case scenario free coffee and also just I just want the

praise yeah you know I just I just want to know that people give me a pat on the back. As I go to grab this dog, he sidesteps me. The old, the old drawer, he drew you in. Billy was very quick. So now I've missed Billy and I look up and this chair. And I brazed for impact and the chair fucking hits me. You're stunned. You've been chaired by a dog at a cafe in the morning, I'm assuming. It hurt.

I can tell. It was one of those silver like, yeah, I know the chairs. So the chairs cleaned me up and I've kind of grabbed onto the chair. Oh, you've latched on. I'm latched onto the chair. But the chair is moving at such a pace, Ash, that I can't hold onto the chair.

But I slow them down. I take the wind out of the sails of old Billy Boy, the Staffy Dog, and then as I kind of look over, I'm on my back, as I look over, another guy stepped in. And as I've slowed Billy down so much, he's now grabbed Billy. Swooped in and took your moment. That motherfucker.

People are applauding this man. Oh. And the lady comes running, Billy, Billy, you're saved, Billy. Three cheers you're saved. Billy. Three cheers for the stranger. Runs right past me. I get nothing. Oh, not a pat on the back.

You assisted. Yeah. I limp into the cafe. I'm like, fucking hell, that really... I was like, yeah, and then I like, so hell, that really... I was like, you know when you get like... So that's 450 for the coffee and 15 bucks for the chair. Oh, fuck. Very good from you, very good.

You are a hero. You're a modern day hero. Thank you. And the dog is safe and the chair is ruined. Beautiful. Look, a similar thing happened to, not to me, but to a friend of mine who they had the dog and had the lead. And they, for some reason, they tied the lead just to, like an empty coke bottle or something like, just like, it was just like, it was just like fiddling. You know, how you're just like fiddling with things and they're holding the dog. I thought you meant tying to a coke bottle to like, that'll stop him. No, no, no. Just like a fiddle, just kids. Anyway, the dog moved and the bottle started

to follow the dog, freaked the dog out. This story's not gonna end well. Oh, dog. Yeah, the dog got hit by a car. Oh, oh. Yeah, the bottle chased it into oncoming traffic. Whooshka, bottle was fine. What were you doing?

Me? You're sorry? No! No, no, no. This is not my story. This is someone else's story. I'm sorry. Sorry, you weren't there.

I wasn't there, thank God. It was definitely you. Yes. No, my dog found a pack of Listerine strips under the bed and sneezed for three hours straight. That's the worst thing that I've ever accidentally done to a dog. Moving on from that. We will move right along. Let's go straight, Barzah.

Oscar's birthday. Oscar's birthday, yes. What an affair. Also, God, why did we throw him a party last year? I said to April, I said, this year, like, really low key. It was just, like like really close friends. A couple of us went tamping bowling. Also chaos. It is just kid party after kid party.

And they're in each other's lanes. This guy's trying to bowl, okay? Get the fuck out of my lane. I saw you do a bowl, you have the spin. I've got it all, man. You're very good. I've got it all man. You're very good I've got a perfect game in bowling. No, they made it up No high 200s. Oh very good. Thank you

Yeah, okay, absolute chaos and the kids they're so fucking excited Oscar's excited There's meltdowns happening left right and center, but all in all, pretty good. He got spoiled rotten. That he did. By friends, family. It got to the point where it's, we were trying to educate him a little bit about how we're going to lunch with the family now. And so obviously my family, they were all down,

not specifically for his birthday, but they were just all here. So we went and had a pub lunch where there's a playground and my kids and my niece and stuff could go and play. But it was like, Oh, how many kids at the party? Oh, well the bowling party itself was, I think it was like six or seven kids. Great.

Great numbers. Yeah. Not too. It was just, it was just meant to be low key, but the family thing was the next day, which was Sunday, and Oscar was like, what are we doing today? And we're like, we're going to have a party with the family. And we're trying to educate him

that it's not just about the presents. It's like, it's also nice to see your family. And he was just like, yeah, I bet it is. I was like, come on, man. Like, they're all here for you and blah, blah, blah, blah. So trying to educate him to do that was the biggest challenge over the weekend because he didn't give a fuck about anyone else

other than what they were giving him. And I'm like, what do you got? I think next year we're gonna reverse the roles and just get him to give people things. Don't do that. Like just to give him some sort of. No, let him be like gluttonous, you know, for that day. You know, when you're a kid, you don't like fuck the family, dude.

I've been counting his birthday down for 90 days. It's been about him for long enough. No, like you have... Kids don't care about family. I don't care about... That's the thing. I want him to care about the family. Why?

Because I think it's a nice thing. My grandmother's in her 80s. She doesn't need a, thank you, see ya. She needs a bit more than that. Isn't that fair? I think it's a nice thing that my grandmother's in her 80s. She doesn't need a thank you. Yeah, she needs a she needs a bit more than that. Isn't that fair? I think that's fair. I think that's very empathetic of me to be honest. It is.

Maybe I'm a hero in disguise. Don't be ridiculous. I know. That was silly. Lots of presents, lots of Lego. Holy shit. The kid is like a Lego genius. It's unbelievable.

Like he's built it all. And it was like, I'm talking thousands of pieces of Lego. He's built trucks and cars, unbelievable. Lego's expensive, we've spoken about it before. It is expensive. That shit is crazy. It is crazy, yeah, yeah. But you know what, it keeps him.

Do you build with him, or do you let him just do his thang? I let him just do his thang. He'd be thanging over here here and I'm doin' whatever and then if something's a bit hard or it needs a bit of muscle, he comes a big guy. But otherwise he'll do like, like he would do an 18 plus Lego on his own. What?

Dude, unbelievable. Brain man. Brain man. Nothing real eventful happened other than just the chaos of kids and April being overstimulated the whole weekend. That's really all that happened. We've got Marley's coming up.

I know, Marley's birthday is on Friday. Thursday. Thursday. It's close. Very close. The 19th. And we stupidly, we've said we'll have it here, have it here at home.

And then last weekend, Lola got invited to a party. It's like a flying yoga place that does kids birthday party. People would be doing too much. And we thought, well, Marley's turning six. She's into flying yoga. So we were like, we'll book that. People are doing too much.

It's like 400 bucks. What? Yeah, so now we've had to retract the flying yoga. We had to like deviate. We're like, Marley, you're doing flying yoga for your birthday? And Laura's like, 400 bucks. And I was like, you haven't invented Party here. Scrap that.

So we're having it here. And I'm like, oh my god, it's going to be... Who's got flying yoga money? Jesus, that is wild. I know, I know. People be doing way too much for birthday. And it goes back to remember when we were talking about last year, the guy who had the diggers at the time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And just happened to be someone that April knew, and you know, it was a long story. But people are doing way too much. We splurged on a fairy. We got a fairy coming. Oh, that's cool. Got a fairy coming, she'll dance, do some bubbles.

Yeah, dude, I took all the kids bowling. It was like 150 bucks for like seven, eight kids. Did you feed them? Was that including food? They're not animals, man. No, not including food. I just got some nuggies and stuff, they were pretty short. It was only like, to be honest, two games took way too long for these kids.

One game? Yeah, I wasn't expecting it to take like three hours. It's like a man's. I think I had like nine beers. Sorry. That wasn't a joke. Sorry. Sorry. Had to get through it somehow. Sorry. April's overwhelmed and I'm just tanked. No I had a couple. I had a couple with the other dad. Don't try and backtrack now. Anyway something eventful did happen over the weekend. Oh, come on, spit it out. It jogged my memory on something else. So April comes home, she's taken Macy to the specialist because she's got something wrong

with her eye. She's fine, by the way, thanks for your concern. And she got there and the receptionist is like, you're Asher's wife from Two Doting Dads. And she was like- Is it the first kind of public spotting that she's had? Without me. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh God, how'd she find that? Well, she came home and she was like, you made it. The receptionist recognized me because of you. And then she was like, well, you made it. Yeah. Yeah. But it reminded me.

You're welcome. Yeah, you are welcome. It reminded me of a time when I was recognized in a situation that I didn't wish to be, or was hoping that didn't happen. Go on. A while back, I had to do a stool sample. Yep.

Now, I had to go to the doctor's to pick up the stool sample kit. Yep. From the receptionist. Got it. I walk in, the receptionist straight away. You're the guy who wears the towel on his head. And I was like, yeah.

And she was like, you're so funny. It's so me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Great. Great boost to the ego. And I love that. And then she was like, how can I help? No, nothing.

Oh, no, nothing. I just sort of pop in to say hi. I was like, I'm here to pick up a stool. So it's like, oh, yes. She knew she was like, oh, Ashton. Yes. Here's your stool sample kit. Hands it over. Hands it over.

And I was like, yeah, okay. I was like, oh, that's pretty embarrassing. She was like, so you just bring it back. I'm like, to you. She's like, I'll be here all day. Oh, that's it. I'm never fucking going back. I'll probably die.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I need to get my stool tested. Is it like at least it's not like a Perspex clear box. Yes. It was a do you know what it was? I've never done it before. It was a big you should do it. Wear a disguise.

It's like a it's like a big Ziploc sandwich bag. Right. Like a medical Ziploc sandwich bag. You don't shit in the bag. Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's a Woolies paper bag. You take a shit in it. I hope it's not too heavy because the handles will break.

Here's your kit. It's just one big Ziploc bag. Just a plastic bag. It's one of those old Coles gray bags. Yeah. So it's a Ziploc bag and it's got like pathology slips in there with the little yellow lidded clear sample jar. The yellow lid screams medical sample. Yes screams it. It screams Ash is going to poop in this.

How much poo do you put in there? Oh it fills the brim my guy. No I don't know. Sorry. Phil is the brain my guy. No I just sorry I was particularly getting a stool sample because something in that area wasn't right. The nine beers bowling or no no this is gone way back. Sorry this is going this is pre nine beers and I was like okay well I grabbed the bag off her and I was like okay so

I was like, do I have to drop it off here? Like is there anywhere else I can drop it off closer to home? I lived like down the road. But I didn't want to have to come back to this situation because that's embarrassing. And she was like, no, no, no, you've got to bring it back here. I'll be here all day.

We're open until 7 p.m. And I was like, okay, great, this is great. This is good, this is good, great. So I left and the whole way home I'm thinking I don't want to shit in this cup cause mind you it's gonna stink bringing it back in yeah but mind you it's pretty runny down there at the moment. She's like no I didn't say we I said poo and you're like that is my poo. That is my poo I squirted out my bum if that's what you need to know. I went home and I told April, and April was like, what are you going to do?

And I'm like, well, for my health, I need to do it, obviously, because health is key. See what I did there? Very good. So I deliberated over the whole course of the day. Well, the whole course of the morning, I thought maybe if I go around lunchtime, she's going to lunch, and there'll

be like a different receptionist. Very good. Do you poo in the toilet and then scoop it from the toilet into the, or do you poo into that little jar? Oh, I don't have that good of a name. I had to scoop. Had to get in there, there's some tongs. Those tongs, straight in the bin.

It stinks. There's no sound, there's no smell barrier on those little yellow things. No, it seeps out. Seeps out, seep, very good word. Well put, I would say. I went back, it was in the shopping center too, which makes it even worse.

So you're walking through the shopping center. I had to walk through the shopping center. Everyone's like looking at their shoes, and did I step in shit? What's going on? Yes, I had to walk through the shopping center with a- The Ziploc bag. A Ziploc bag of shit.

Steaming shit. Steaming, it was still warm smoking people clear it out has Matt suit on it did have the big bio as a thing on the run and as I'm walking the alarms that all the smugglers sprinklers have come on Yeah, all the smugglers, sprinklers have come on. You're beelining to the receptionist. I've beelined to the doctors and I've like staked out the doctors. I'm walking through the shops, I'm staking out to see if she's there. She's there.

Okay. And I'm like, but there's another receptionist there as well. There's two people there now. And I've walked in with a shitty bag. They're eating their lunch. Oh, God. I give him the bag of shit, and the receptionist turns to the other person

who's also working on reception. He's like, this is the guy I was talking to you about. God, no! She proceeds to get her phone out. You did not get a photo. I got a photo with them. With the shit in the photo? The shit's in the background. You did not get a photo. I got a photo with them. With the shit in the photo.

The shit's in the background. In hindsight it would have actually been better if I had the shit. But they've got their phone out. First of all, she's showing her videos of me. That's inappropriate. And then she's like, can we get a photo? There's like patient confidentiality I might I've just shot in a jar given it to you want to get a photo with me there's absolutely no way that she's handed over that shit she's

got that right now in the freezer I never did get the results back no it turns out I was experimenting with ashwagandha and that was the problem actually that's like some sort of herbal shit. Well there you go. I'm fine. Thank God. See, I technically didn't even really need to give her the bag of shit. Going to the doctor's is scary enough.

For being recognised? I've never been back to that particular doctor. To that receptionist, if she is listening, please, there's a time and a place in the medical center. Give me my shit back. Yeah. Hey, just really quickly, really, really quickly, do you ever make lunch for Oscar for school? Yeah, that's my job.

Is it? Most of the time. What kind of sandwich do you give him? It's just Vegemite, bro. Yeah. It's just easy. Good idea. What did you do?

Actually, well, I have to do both lunches. No, Jesus Christ. No, it's annoying. But yeah, yeah, maybe. It's not all about you. Isn't it? Well done. Thank you. On I don't look for I don't make the sandwiches nor any of the items that go into Marley's lunch. Who's doing it? No, no. She's away at the moment. She's still in the Gold Coast. So this week I've been doing the lunches.

I want to make a sandwich. Like that? Well, I was just like, Marley, what do you eat? She's like, I don't know. I was like, what do you want? Just the same thing every day. And then she was like, give me a peanut butter sandwich. And I was like, great.

Not allowed to take peanut butter sandwiches at school. How do you know that? Nuts school. How do you know that? Nuts. But how do you know that? People die from allergies of nuts. Oh, he's good. Very good. Can't school me.

So hang on a sec. I've killed three kids. I will be in hiding after this episode. No, I didn't realize. I didn't realize. And on Monday I gave her a peanut butter sandwich and Marley came home and picked her up. She came home. She's like, I'm starving No, she's like daddy. Why did you do that to me?

What do you mean and she's like the sandwich And I was like what was wrong and she's like we cannot have nuts and I'm like, well hang on you asked for it So don't Don't blame me. She's five. Yeah. She doesn't know. Well.

You're an adult. You just straight up shift the blame. I didn't know either. For anyone out there, if you're going to school next year, if you're gonna start making lunches, just know that the rules are different. Back when I was a kid, bro, you could bring nuts to school it was

survival of the fittest. If you had these nuts. No no no no okay moving on so I just want my advice I'm just letting people know that they're sorry no it's not advice my be wary just be aware Just be wary. Just be aware. Parents out there, carers. Carers. Parents and carers. What was I weak for? I don't know.

No nuts at school because what happens Ash, because of the other kids, you have to eat your nut lunch, your peanut butter in the classroom. Nut lunch. And shut up. And so Marley had, she couldn't play with the other kids at lunchtime

because she had to eat it in the classroom. Oh. And so Marley had, she couldn't play with the other kids at lunchtime because she had to eat it in the classroom. And so she was punished. And so she, the whole time she was like, fucking dad, fucking stitching me up and making me a fucking peanut butter sandwich. I got fucking eaten here in the classroom. What if it's not crunchy peanut butter? There's gotta be a middle ground.

It was, it was smooth. It was smooth peanut butter. Yeah. Are you a smooth family? Nana, fucking Nana bought this. It was smooth peanut butter, yeah. Are you a smooth family? Nana, fuckin', Nana bought this. Enough said. Enough said.

What's that, with that generation? That generation is... Also, with that generation, they tell the most diabolical stories. It's a bit rich coming from you, but it's alright. Mine are entertaining. Says the guy who just talked about handing over shit for the last 15 minutes.

Hey, I love it. I love a bit of shit. Why do we have to adjust our whole life for these people? Yeah, I say stuff them. Yeah. Yeah. Stuff them. It's time for this.

Yeah. You don't want sleep regression. You don't want tantrums now. Just tell me, what's your parent? You want more crime parking at the shops? You don't want advice from strangers? Go and tell me, what is your parent? Once again, I'm going to say that's the greatest song we've ever... Very arrogant from you.

But I agree. Okay, great. Let's go. Do you want to go first? You go first. Don't yell at me. I hate it when we fight. I hate it when we fight like that. Just for the listeners out there, that's us having a full heated argument. That was it. Yeah. We're not going to talk for 24 hours after this. Great. Oh, I'm just, I kid, I kid. I sit here. I have kids and I kid.

Can you smile for once? There we go. Okay. This is from Minty. I only said Minty. This is from Mindy. I only said Minty. This is from Mindy. Get it out, hurry up. Baby, shut up. Okay. This is a bit of a silly one. I'm gonna say this is a silly one.

Us, silly? Babies crying when they're tired. No one's stopping you, just go to fucking sleep. I did see a TikTok with a parent hack. Apparently... Just full disclosure, I don't hit my kids. Apparently you go outside and you make them look into the sun. That's how you make them sneeze.

Apparently that's how you make them go to sleep. You put hot lights in their face. That's not asleep, that's called blind. Next one. Catherine says, school emails are clogging up my inbox. I wouldn't know what that feels like because I can't subscribe to the fucking school newsletter. Well, lucky you.

Well, we just got an email from the school today, remember? So this is one of many that we get. I don't get them. I don't get them either. I think... All right, look, I think, yeah, just put them in junk, doesn't matter. Let your kids feel. This is from M.

I don't know if it's Emma or Emily. We'll figure that out. Let's take the journey. People usually mother-in-law. Sorry, I thought it was just like people moving on. People and that is all. No. Uh, people usually mother-in-law.

Someone who's the mother-in-law. Brave of her to put her name down. Yeah, I don't think she's named mother-in-law. And it reads, please do not say my name. I even heard her put her name down. I don't think she's named Mother-in-law. Oh, and it reads, please do not say my name. So, M. So people, usually Mother-in-law's calling your baby,

my baby, or our baby. Like, bro, what the fuck? Is that what it says? Yes. Is that a thing? Yeah, I think, ah, there's all those like- It is a family unit. Yeah think, there's all those like. It's a family unit. Yeah, but there's all those memes as well

that kind of play into this, which is like moms and sons. So you see all these things where it's like the love between a mom and a son, that the wife to be is never gonna be good enough. And it sort of plays into that thing where it's like, well, I'm part of their relationship. Right. So now, am I a genius?

Hang on, just let me start. Am I a genius? I'm just coming up with this on the spot. Anyway, I'm part of their relationship so therefore that baby must also be mine. Mine. Does your mother-in-law do that? No. Look, I agree.

I think that my baby is my and April's baby, right? Not my mum's or not my mother-in-law's baby, right? It's their grandbaby. And their parents is their great grandbaby. Yep. You're back with me now? Kind of. Yeah. Okay. Next point is from Chelsea. I'm a teacher and I hate that parents tell their kids, if you feel sick, then tell the teacher and you'll be sent home. They nag me all frigging day. Don't want to point any fingers at Oscar. I thought you were going to say, I thought you were going to say,

I'm a teacher and I hate kids. It's like, well, I think you're in the wrong person. Just on that point, let's circle back to the start of this episode when I said that Oscar would end up in Sickbay. Guess what? He is? At home.

No, he's not. I read you the message. God. April called me twice and I was like, oh, something's wrong. It's an emergency. Had to pick Oscar up from sick bay complaining of a sore ear. He'll literally, what?

Wait, didn't he have a sore throat this morning? It's moved to his ear, apparently. He's good. He's good. Because a sore ear, like an earache, like how do you? How do I? How do you quiz that? How do you sniff out if that's bullshit?

I get annoyed with just my kids saying they're sick. Imagine having a whole classroom of kids being like, You'd just send them all off to sick bay, wouldn't you? Another day off because. They probably got a quota. Yeah, right. Right. I've got a little parent.

Oh, go. If I may. At the moment, we've got so many soft toys, mountains of them. Tell me about it. And we've started so many soft toys, just mountains of them. Oh, tell me about it. And we've started to do bag by bag loads once a week out to the Salvos, getting rid of them. Getting rid of them or donating them? Donating them, donating to those.

I'm up here on my high horse. Yeah, please, whip away. Whip it away. And it shits me that the kids out of nowhere will be like, as I'm putting them to bed, they look at me and go, where is my purple unicorn that I had one time three months ago?

Oh my God. And I'm like, what? Oh, it's so frustrating. They can't remember where they put their shoes when they came in the front door, home from daycare and school. And then all of a sudden they're like, fucking piecing together a toy that they once had the blink of an eye months ago it's frustrating cuz I'm like to Oscar I'm

like what'd you do at school today he's like no and then he'll be like hey where's that train set I had when I was like two years old and I had like the blue and red wheels and like the yellow puff of smoke coming out of the top it's like what and you know we'll find it tomorrow. Anyway Ash we have some questions. We do we do have questions. I'm gonna ask you the first question Matthew. This is from Phil. Sounds made up. Top three. Never. Never no no no. Phillip. Top three. Top three lame things that you enjoy now that you're a parent. Never never no no no Philip top three Top three lame things that you enjoy now that you're a parent

Yep, there are a lot. There is a long list of things that I enjoy that are very lame I'm a very lame guy ash if you can say no, you're not Yeah, you are. No, you know, you know, you're definitely not you definitely not at all. No, I'm a no No, you're not, you're definitely not. You're definitely not at all, not at all, not a bit, no. Carry on. Okay, number one. You said it, not me, but go. I'll start with.

I think, yeah, go. I'll start with, this is gonna be a massive surprise to everyone listening. Going to the toilet to do a poo. Oh man, that was mine too, it was my first one. It was, but also lock in the Door. Bam. Game changer. And then I get in trouble for Lock in the Door. By who? By April. Because she's like, well they can't get in. I'm like yeah. She's like, well they can't even when I'm in there.

I'm like, Lock the Door, genius. What are you doing? It's the lamest and the best. Whenever the kids come in for a cuddle in the morning after like 10 minutes I'm like well, I'm off to the toilet and they're like you're always gonna do it when we come in here come back for dinner time My that was my number three, so I'm gonna give you my number two my number two is and it's kind of sneaky It is when either the kids aren't in the room or they're asleep, I'll sneak a dessert. Okay, so that could be either from the cupboard or I've even driven to drive through and got a big flurry

and just sat in the car and ate it on my own. I was like, where are you going? I'm like, nowhere. I'm just in the car like. Sometimes I go back around and get another one. You don't. Yeah, I'm a lame boy. Yeah.

Number two for me is being in the car and driving solo. Oh. Yep. It is good. Love it. And you get to listen to whatever you want to listen to. Just white noise. Heaven.

Heaven. Just listening to the sleep music. Oh, God. It is good. It's very, very good. I I would say and you touched on it the other day is solo chores. Now solo chores where the kids can't get to you. So if it's kind of like I'm say I our washing line's out the back yep and it's like the sheets need to be hung out as much as I hate hanging the sheets out

especially a fitted sheets nightmare I'll go out the back door. I'll actually lock myself out. On purpose. On purpose. And it's a big glass door at the back and the kids are like up against the glass. Like, where is it? Like in quarantine. I know, like headphones on. Get it done. And then I might just mosey around the backyard, look, looking for dog poo. Another McFlurry?

Another McFlurry back there. And then I'll walk up, casually walk around, see if there's anything else I can do outside. You're just a handy guy. No, I'm not. I'm just, I'm literally just moseying around the backyard. Essentially anything by yourself is all of a sudden when you're a parent just delightful.

I think that's the number one for everyone, right? But is it lame? Depends what you're watching. What's yours? This is pretty lame. This is about as lame as it gets. But I feel like parents out there will be on the same page as me.

When it's the weekend, you got a lot of washing to do and it's a really hot summer's day and you know that washing is gonna dry real quick. Oh yeah. And you get through a couple loads in one day. It's exciting. No, yeah, it's exciting when it goes from being dirty all the way to where it needs to be in a spinal

destination. That at the end of a day? Better than sex. Better than sex. I have a bonus one that I've just thought of. Go on. Specifically in a pool. Okay. You go to the deep end. Yeah. And you just submerge yourself and you just sit there and you can't hear anything else. Other than the ticking of that, the ticking of the pool cleaner going, you're like, oh, how good this is. And then you come back up and a kid jumps on you and you're like, fuck! Do you just want to end this segment by saying that,

gosh, we love our kids. I love them so much that I try to avoid them actively. Just for simple pleasures. Very good. This one is from Carly. Hi Carly. In the Facebook group, she says, what's the best way to make dads slash husbands feel valued?

So they know they're doing an amazing job apart from just telling them. Apart from just telling them they're doing an amazing job. Yeah. Has April done anything to you where you felt really valued as a parent? Yeah, actually. And it comes in the shape of words usually. Because the other things are not for this time slot. Go on. It's look, I remember the other day will it in bed. There's not going

Reverse cowgirl We were in bed not what you think it was and she actually said to me she was like I've really noticed the things that you've been doing over and above like what you have usually been doing of Late and I felt I felt appreciated and I continued to do them. So that works. Yeah, I know the question is like. But also reverse cat goes good too. Yeah. I know that she's asking other than words,

but yeah, I don't know. I, for me, I know there was a night when the kids were being really, really tricky. Like it was just an absolute battle from the moment we got home, dinner, bath, the kids were like, I hate you, you're the worst, screaming every step of the way. It was just a really shitty night.

And off the back of those nights, you can't help but be really exhausted. You kind of deflated as well, cause you know, you just feel like the kids hate you and you're doing a shit job but then Laura was was doing a pretty good job Wow That Laura there's some no we'll both we'll both struggling. Yeah, you have those days both struggling and

I just thought I'm gonna pull Laura aside after the kids are in bed. And I said, hey, look, that was a nightmare of a scenario. Like the kids were just hell. And I just want you to know that I thought you handled it so well. I've never seen you be so patient. We both cracked it a couple of times, but I just thought she needed a little lift.

And I was like, I just want you to know that I thought you did such a great job and that's That's observation and and this observation but then also acting on it because you would like a lot of people would look at whether it's male female look at their partner and they won't be struggling and they might just be like I'm struggling too and not nothing said and No one's uplifted whatsoever. And I know for April, like her, she loves acts of service, right? So for example, yesterday, she likes acts of service. For example, yesterday, he's a really good example. She went out, she had to go to Oscar's school to do something with Oscar. And she came back with Oscar, dropped him off. And then she went to pick Macy up, but she also had to pick up Macy's friend as well because we were looking after

in the afternoon because her parents had something important to do. And I thought, that's a lot. She's just done so much and didn't even say, hey, can you do one or the other? Because I was doing some work or writing something out of that. And then I was like, okay, fuck, she's out. I finished what I'm doing.

I bring the washing in. I made the kids lunches for the next day and cleaned up the house. And then I know when she appreciates, when she goes to start to make the lunch and go, oh, the lunches for the next day and cleaned up the house. And then I know when she appreciates, when she goes to start to make the lunch and go, oh, the lunches are made. And I was like, yeah, well, you ran around all afternoon. And it was like, okay, you could see that it made her happy

and it made me happy that she was happy. For me, nothing will ever be better than a genuine heartfelt appreciation. Words go further than you think. Absolutely. There you go. Keep on at it. Both ways, not just to...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, both parents. Parents in general, everybody needs a pat on the back. Absolutely. I just want to say Ash, that this record, I think from you, has been one of the best you've ever done. And I think you've done an outstanding job and you should be extremely proud of yourself. Cool, thanks man.

Anyway, uh, hey, I love that shirt. And if you thought Ash was also outstanding this episode, you can let us know by writing a review on Apple podcasts, even Spotify. We love comments on both. We know we'll take any bit of praise anywhere. Just don't message it to us on social media, because that's a waste. It needs to be a permanent fixture on Apple or Spotify. Can I just say you delivered that amazing. Thank you so much and you can also... wait that was hang on... that wasn't... was it genuine? It was. And you can... I feel awkward. Anyway you can also join us on social media which is ToDotingDad, Instagram, TikTok and Facebook.

Your tongue twiddling really threw me off then. You're very good at that. Anyone? And we believe. I'm ready to go. Okay, bye. Are we gonna fart? Yeah.

I felt silly coming out of my mouth. Jess is just dying. Do you mind? Can you shut up? Can you die somewhere else, Jess? Some of us are trying to work. Jesus. What happened? Oh, round the wrong, down, went down the wrong hole.

Well, mate, you shouldn't, you shouldn't smoke so many ciggies, Jess. Oh, Jesus, just, hey, gox. Don't tell me your last story. To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.