Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #158 Teaching Children Body Autonomy with Psychologist Victoria Barendsen

Episode Date: July 15, 2025

***TW*** This week we've created space to chat with registered psychologist, Victoria Barendsen, who specialises in working with children and provides sexual abuse and sexual harm prevention therapy.  Like you, we've been devastated by the Melbourne investigation of alleged incidents in childcare centres, and we want to do something about it.  Victoria explains how you can try to protect your children from vulnerable situations and how to be more proactive about your child's safety.   *******  We also get into your Par-Rants for this week, where you air out your parenting grievances. This week's rant hit a nerve and our pockets!   Brought to you by ALDI  Just low prices every day. ALDI. Good Different.  Link: https://www.aldi.com.au/ We also answer your questions:  What are your top kids films? How do you make time for sexy time with your partner when you're the parent of two kids? This episode contains discussion of child sexual abuse and may be distressing to some listeners. If you or someone you know may be impacted by this content, please seek help.  Kids Helpline – 1800 55 1800 (24/7 support for young people) 1800RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7 sexual, domestic and family violence counselling) Lifeline – 13 11 14 (24/7 crisis support)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, I can't help but notice that one of us had a bit of a sore tummy before. Oh, bro, what the heck was that? Did you hear me off this? Fucking hell. Jess and I were like, let's play some music. I knew it. It was like, brrrrrrrrrrrrr good. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Oh, fuck.

You feel better? And then I came downstairs and there's music playing and I was so suspicious. I was very suspicious of you guys. I was like. But your tummy hasn't made a noise since. It's been like, Babylon.

Pfft. Put some David Gray on. Shit. To drown out your guts. Guys, I'm really sorry. Okay, but do you feel better? I would like to say yes, but the answer's no. Now I feel embarrassed.

But anyway, whatever. Whatever! Welcome back to Tootoding Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Farty McFart... pants. No, I'm out. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. And we never give advice. We don't.

But every now and then we will reach out to those people who have far more wisdom than the two of us. Which is majority of people, let's be completely honest. Absolutely, absolutely. But we had a message in a Facebook group recently which made a request for a specific guest. They were like, hey, we know you guys aren't really experts. This is Celeste, shout out to Celeste.

Shout out Celeste. If she's listening. Now before we go any further, I do just wanna make a quick note and say. Matt, this episode does contain some discussions of child sexual abuse, which could be distressing for some people. If you or someone you know may be impacted by this content,

please seek help. We will put some details of those organizations that you can reach out to in the show notes. Now I will flag that this chat that we're about to have, it's only about 15 minutes. It's not the whole episode. So if you did want to skip this part, I'd skip about 15 minutes and then we'll get into our normal episode. So going back to Celeste, she did a post in the Facebook group. It was off the back of a 26 year old childcare worker, Joshua Dale Brown, who's been charged with sexual abuse of children whilst in daycare.

Absolutely horrific. And Celeste wanted to know, as parents, what information can we have to be more mindful of the topic, more proactive. Now it is confronting, and it's really easy to avoid the topic altogether. But we thought it was a great suggestion from Celeste, so we thought we will reach out to an expert.

So we reached out to Victoria. She runs the Safe Kids Project, which is a handle on Instagram. She's a registered psychologist based in New Zealand, who specialises working with children and provides sexual abuse and sexual harm prevention therapy. Victoria, I do have to say a very big thank you. You are so welcome. I was so delighted to be asked to come on. I'm so passionate about prevention work so any opportunity to speak about this and share my mission, I'm here. I feel like the conversations we're about to have, I feel like

they should be prioritized as much as like a first aid course for parents. But for whatever reason, I think it's one of those things that it's such a tricky subject that it's easy for parents to completely avoid it. So I know that so many people are going to benefit from this chat. To start off, at what age do you start having conversations with your children about consent and body autonomy? Such a great question, and I do believe that a lot of parents try and put their head in the sand and not talk about it purely, like there's a lot of reasons,

but I do believe one of the main reasons is that growing up, we never had these conversations, and it's not that it was the fault of our parents, but a lot of the time, they didn't know how to share this education with us so it is a really new way of working and it's you're right it's like just as important as first aid I think it's just as important as we teach our children to swim or cross the road teaching them about their body is so so important and how to keep it safe so my daughter is four and my son is coming up to and I've

been teaching them about body safety education since they were born but more specifically once they could sort of comprehend what I spoke about and what I talked about. So for my daughter from two she was able to like label her body correctly, she was able to let me know if she wanted physical contact like a hug or not, she was able to say no to me and know that it will be respected. So I would say anywhere from like one and a half to two is a really good age to actually start introducing to your child that their body belongs to them

and they get to make choices that feel right. And in terms of language, and like, sorry, this is a really dumb question, but you know, I know that people are so particular about certain words are good to use and some are bad to use. Do you say what they are in terms of vagina, penis, or do you have to give other words to kids at that age? Yes.

So at that age, I recommend using anatomically correct labels, which are what our body is called. So I often say to parents, if you call a knee a knee and a nose a nose why do you call a vulva a fanny or a penis a willy? Like it instantly tells your child that that's not a part of your body you're allowed to talk about or that's not something we're comfortable talking about because we instantly give it a nickname. And so anatomically correct labels for body parts is like number one when it comes to body safety education because it creates a really open dialogue with your child

for them to know that those parts of their body are normal and if there were any concerns, they've got the language to talk to you about it. And from a prevention standpoint, there's been some research done with convicted sexual offenders towards children. And they have said one of the biggest deterrents to harming a child is if they have the correct anatomical language for their body, because it instantly says to them, that child's having conversations at home,

or that child has parents that are willing to talk about their body. That's not somebody I'm going to target. So it's really, really powerful from a prevention standpoint. And on the other side, if something does happen to target. So it's really, really like powerful from a prevention standpoint. And on the other side, if something does happen to your child, it's really important that they have the correct language to be able to tell you about it.

I've worked with multiple cases where children haven't had the correct turns. And what that means is from a legal standpoint, it can actually be really difficult to move things along the legal system. So we wanna give children the language about their body to normalise it and reduce any shame or stigma and also that really helps with prevention. In terms of consent, it's a tricky one because like this morning for

example, I was trying to brush my daughter's hair. Marley is six, Lola is four and what they'll say when they don't want to have their hair brushed is my I was trying to brush my daughter's hair. Marley is six, Lola is four. And what they'll say when they don't want to have their hair brushed is, my body, my choice, no. And then obviously I want to acknowledge that. But at the same time, I need to brush their hair. It's a bit of a non-negotiable. So how do you explain when is and isn't

appropriate to have those boundaries crossed? Amazing. It's so nice to hear those conversations coming from young children that they know their body belongs to them. That's amazing. So I have some rules around body autonomy and that my children get to make choices for their body

all of the time, except in three situations. The first is health, second is hygiene, and the third is safety. So in those situations, it is my role as a parent to put a limit in and say actually this is what's happening. So that sounds like the case for hair brushing and I feel that one to my core. My daughter who's four is, here is like these huge ringlets and she goes to a forest kindy and so she goes to kindy and she just comes home with like leaves and sticks and like bark. So I really, I feel this because we have a rule in our house

that we have to have her hair up for kindy. So the way that I recommend talking to your child when you get to a body autonomy limit is to be really clear. And the first thing is telling them what you're doing. So I'm brushing your hair right now, why you're doing it. You need to do it, otherwise it's gonna get into a really big tangle

and we might have to cut your hair really short. I'm not sure, we'll give like examples. And then you ask for some clarification. So you might be like, do you have any questions? See if they want to ask. And then what I recommend doing so being really clear is the first part on what you're doing. And then the second part is provide opportunities for control. So in those situations where they don't have a choice, or they don't have control over what's happening to their body, allow them opportunities. Like what colour hairbrush do you want to use? Do you want to brush your hair first and then dad will do it second? Like provide little moments in there. Is there a favourite toy you want to hold? Or is there something that you can be doing

while they do your hair? So moments where they feel in control of a situation that actually they don't get a choice over. For me at home, we might playfully smack mum on the bottom, or, you know, they think it's hilarious, but is that something that's inappropriate or? I wouldn't say it's inappropriate. I think it's really important for children to see healthy relationships between parents, but maybe what you could do in there is every now and again, weave in some modelling of consent, like to your wife or partner, hey, like, I really want to give you a little smack on the bum.

Is that OK with you? You know, like, make it like a little bit playful so the children can see that aspect of consent. Or maybe you do it and then you say, hey, is this something that you find fun or is this like enjoyable? So that the children are seeing that as well. But I think if it's really lighthearted and it brings joy, there's nothing wrong with it. One thing that I've noticed is like, you know,

that game of like, daddy's gonna smack you in the bottom and I'll chase the kids around. And then I've seen Marley interact with her cousins and then they'll play that same game with other cousins. Obviously Marley, from her perspective, it's completely harmless. But then I'm thinking in my head like, oh my gosh, am I putting these games in place

which are gonna be inappropriate with other kids? Should I be mindful of that, do you think? Yeah, I feel like there's a real fine line, right? Like, we don't wanna lose the fun of childhood, but we do wanna just make sure that our children are respecting body autonomy of others. So you could say before you play that game of like, dad's gonna do say, pat your bum or chase you or whatever

it might be, you might say, do you want to play this game and let me know if you want to stop at any time because you're just then modeling to them what consent looks like that actually you can be playing something can be really, really fun. But you can also say stop when it feels right for you. And that same question, like you might be chasing them around the house and you might say, Marley, are you still having fun right now? Like it's just a little check-in that gets her to check in with her body and then knows that that's a safe place to communicate it. And then when it goes into playing

it with your cousins, with her cousins, you might just say, oh, remember to ask before you touch somebody's body. Like, is this a game they actually want to play? Like, just check in first. It doesn't have to be like sit down like really serious like when I'm teaching young children my children consent I do it all through modeling I never explained to them necessarily like don't touch other people's bodies it's actually just through my interactions every day with them that they learn what consent looks like. Yeah we had a few listeners reach out about some tools

that parents that you can share with parents who can help their kids speak up confidently when boundaries are crossed. So I believe that this comes from lots of modelling at home, like I just said, that children need to see us as parents advocate for their boundaries, as well as us putting in boundaries for ourselves. So how this might look, like if a family member

was to come round to my house, I would say to my daughter, hey darling, remember your nanny's coming over this afternoon, remember you get to choose how you say hello. And then once my mum arrives, I would say, oh, nanny's here, would you like to give her a hug, a kiss, a wave? And in that moment, I'm saying to my daughter, listen to your body, you share what feels right,

but I'm also putting in a boundary with my mum to remind her of what kind of interactions we have in our family and how that looks. So that's modelling how to interact. And the other one is sometimes I will tell my children when they've crossed my personal space. So last night, I was over it, like it was just one of those days and my husband was on a night shift and I was like I'm done. And they were all over me for story time and so I was just like hey mom

needs some space right now. My daughter kicked off and like told me how sad I'd made her feel and that's fine that's all part of it but it's like actually as a parent I need my children to see me putting in boundaries for my body to give them the permission slip to put in a boundary for their body. And so when we think about teaching children to be confident to say no, we need to really have these foundations of them seeing consent in practice because the more that they see it happening, the more likely they can draw on that experience and say, actually, I can say no right now and it should be all right. And another thing with that is if we as parents

or caregivers really respect a child's no, they're more likely to say it. So say you're playing like a tickling game with the kids and they're like no, and you actually stop in that moment, you're teaching your child that there no matters and that you should listen. So the more we can practise and give children opportunities to say no, to see us as parents saying no,

they're really good ways to build confidence. I always, I guess, double guess how I parent when I know that there's so many little harmless sayings that people then spin it and say, actually, that's quite detrimental. For example, no one likes a Dibba Dobba. And I know that there's been times where, you know, Marley, for example, any minute little inconvenience from another kid,

whether one of her family members or her sister, she'll run to me and I've said before like, come on Mali, no one likes a dipper dober. And then afterwards I'm like, oh my gosh, that's sending the wrong message, right? So how do you make sure that you're communicating in a way that doesn't discourage them to stand up when something has happened?

Yeah, really good question. I know we catch ourselves in parenting moments all the time, so I think that's only natural. Yeah, when it comes to communication, I think that again, it's a really like foundational thing that you keep building on. When it comes to sharing stuff that's important to a child, when we as parents have capacity to try and listen,

in those moments where she's come to you and she had something like, oh gosh, that sounds really tough. How could you do something like that? What could you do about that? It almost is easier for us as parents to just shut it down and say, stop telling, because that's what feels right for us in that to just shut it down and say, stop telling because that's what feels right

for us in that moment, particularly if we had just regulated ourselves or we've had a really busy day. But if we can hold space, even for the little things, that does really help them eventually if something big does happen, they know, oh, that's somebody I can go and speak to and it feels really safe. But another rule that we have in our house is we have a no secrets policy. So absolutely zero secrets are allowed in our house.

This morning I gave Lola a piece of pizza for breakfast and I was like don't tell mom and then I'm like shit! Yeah so that would be like a big one we don't do in our house and it's happened before and like we definitely catch ourselves purely because then we're saying to the child that it's okay to keep some secrets. And when children are young, their thinking is so black and white. And so if you say, oh, that secret's a good secret or a safe secret, and this one's not, like they don't understand, that's way too gray. And so with our family, we just have no secrets full stop. And, and I, again, it's not like something I sit down

and talk to a four year old about, like allow it to come up really naturally. She bought her brother a truck and it was super, super noisy for his birthday. She's like, oh, we'll keep this a secret. And I was like, no darling, this is a surprise. And so then we talk about surprises. Like they're really cool.

That's something that somebody will eventually find out about. But yeah, steering away from secrets or keeping this information is really important. And it can be, yeah, something as simple as don't say you had pizza for breakfast or don't have an ice cream. Don't say that we got an ice cream when we're out. And yes, like from an open communication point of view, really good, but also from a grooming perspective. Secrets, keeping secrets is one of the steps in the grooming process.

And that's in order to establish trust with the child and also with the family. And so often they might start with something really small like, oh, don't tell them we got an ice cream when we were out, watching whether or not the parent, whether or not the child will tell the parent. And that kind of tells them, okay, we're beginning to build trust and then they build on

that and build on that. So having no secrets yet, really important for communication and also another really important prevention tool. There was some horrible news to come out of Melbourne just this past week just to do with day care. Is there any signs that parents should look out for in environments to assess their safety? Yeah I feel like this one's a really hard, hard topic and my heart really goes out to all of those people that were affected in Melbourne. Because the children were so young it would have been really, really hard to sort of know that something was wrong because at that that age, they're really unlikely

to have the vocabulary and the comprehension to be able to express that to parents. What I do say though is that when your child goes into an early childhood setting, you as a parent have every right to ask questions and to become really curious. I find often parents sort of stand back and don't wanna be like overprotective or overbearing or over the top, but actually what if we put our

child safety at the centre we can feel a lot more comfortable to have conversations and so I suggest and these are things that I do with my children like what is your child protection policy? So do you know if something happens what are the steps to follow? Do all your staff members know the steps to follow? Another one, a big one for me is supervision. So what are the ratios for the children to teach? And also in the center, are there spaces where a child might not be seen, they might be hidden?

So like really mindful of who's watching my children, becoming really mindful of the environment, so changing or toileting who is supporting the children through that. Is that leaving one teacher, one adult alone with a child? Is it in an open space? So I think it's really hard to look out for certain signs at that young age that something's gone wrong, but I would be more trying to look at it from, can we use what has happened to drive some change? And I hope that happens with policy and legal levels

within the early childhood sector, but as parents, we are allowed to ask the questions, and I would really encourage your listeners to ask them. Is there any type of language that you can recommend when speaking to your own kids, if you think something may have happened? Yeah, so in that situation, I always say become really curious with your child

and notice what happens within you. Like if you've noticed maybe something different in their behaviour, maybe they're really isolated and withdrawn and worried all the time and don't want to attend the early childhood centre or for all, like all of a sudden, then become really curious with that.

Don't go straight in with maybe what you assume has happened, it's better to be curious. So it might be, oh, I've noticed that at drop-offs, you're really upset at the moment, what's going on there? Or they might tell you something's happened and you might say, can you tell me more about that? Or what happened next? And you'll notice that in my languaging,

I'm not saying, oh, did this person do that? Or did you then do this? Or did you feel this? No, it's really open, like, what happened next? What was going on around that time? So really keeping it as open as possible and being really curious where you can. So I have a six year old boy and he's at the age

where he can't keep his hands off his penis. And look, it's outside of the pants, inside of the at home, whatever it might be, but I'm really worried about shaming him for it. Is there any steps I can take or anything I should be doing to make sure that I don't? He's educated. He's educated. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm so here for these questions. This is so nice to be talking to two dads like this. I said earlier, often I'm speaking with mum, so I love this and how you don't want to cause shame, like amazing. So a child exploring their body, all parts of their body, very, very developmentally normal. So what I would say in this space is I encourage children to recognise the difference between a private place and a public place.

So say he's touching his penis and it's in the lounge room, you might say, hey, this is a public place. You're more than welcome to touch your body, explore your body, but that's something we do in a private place, private places, room or the bathroom. So give him the context that that behaviour is appropriate for and that doesn't cause any shame. It just is almost like a redirection of the behaviour. And then is there any age, it's a hard one to answer,

but talking about public place and private place, we were at the park on the weekend and Marley was like, I need to wee and there was no toilets anywhere. And I was like, let's just do a bushwee. And she was like, but people are gonna see me. If she's communicating to me in that way, do I have to acknowledge that? Or do you think it's best to acknowledge that

to not then break the boundaries by being like, no, it's okay. I'll like, you know, we're just gonna wee in public. Yeah, yeah. Real tricky one. Funny, my daughter loves a bushwee. She'd like, she'd ask for that. Oh, yeah.

So yeah, that one. Yeah, I think, yeah, tricky to answer because I think every child and family is different. You might in that situation say, if I was able to make a barrier to make sure nobody saw, would you feel more comfortable then? So you could maybe give an option. Otherwise you need to hold on

and then we'll have to like find somewhere. But I think try and explore that option in a way that makes them feel safe. And if that's not a possibility, then yeah, probably go into the bathroom. And you might be able to acknowledge it. Like, yeah, actually people might see you and that might be uncomfortable.

Can I make a way for this to be more comfortable for you? Victoria, you are a wealth of knowledge. It's been so great. And we could keep asking questions, but we know your time is limited, but we want to say thank you so much. Thank you, appreciate it. Oh, you're so welcome.

Yeah, thank you so much for having me. And again, like being able to speak to dads is such a privilege. And I hope like being able to speak to dads is such a privilege. And I hope that this also shares out to your audience being dads as well. It means a lot. And I think as parents, we can make a lot of change in this space for our children.

Legend. Ash, question for you. Fire away, big guy. Okay. I don't know if you've ever been asked this question before, but I'm just gonna come out, I'm gonna say it. Honestly? Okay.

How often do you worm your kids? Never. What? I'm sorry. I'm rattled. What, go on. Okay. Oh man, I just had a flashback.

Fuck! To what? Being wormed. By who? My mum! How? Sorry. I was a small child.

And I had worms because I used to eat a lot of dirt. What? Hahaha! Oh my god. Hang on a second. I know. What, just in the backyard? You just go out for a little snack or? Yeah. Oh my god. Hang on a second. I know. What, just in the backyard?

You just go out for a little snack or? Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Alright. And I remember because there's suppository cream. Suppository cream? I don't know.

Yeah. So you'd have to apply that. You'd have to apply that. And we all know how that happens. How often did you get worms? Ah, that's a question from, should we call her? Oh gosh, she's not, she's screening the call. Hey. Hey.

Do you remember how often I would have to be dewormed? Oh, well, every couple of months. Every couple of months? Why would I? You'd need dirt. Oh fuck, thank you. Yeah, that's all right. How did you do it?

Was a tablet. Oh, it was a tablet? We used to have to get a tour to the middle of the night and have a look at your butt crack. When I was asleep? Yeah, because the worms came out when you were relaxed. Oh wow. Do you remember what age did the worms... Don't answer that. Once he stopped eating dirt. So like seven? Oh no. Yeah. You went from the worms to the nits. So you know. Fuck. I did have a lot of hair.

Yeah. And a lot of worms. Your sister had a lot of hair as well. And for some reason, I don't know, nits were bad on the northern beaches, aren't they? You had a lot of hair too. I keep, yeah. Trying to shift the blame on her mum.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, it was you. All right, well, thank you. Bye. Bye. There you have it. Be honest right now. Yeah.

Fancy bit of dirt. Little nipple. I wouldn't mind There you have it. Be honest right now. Yeah. Fancy bit of dirt. I wouldn't mind. Damped it. We've got a lot of worms out there. Yeah. Oh, good. It's only lunchtime. Anyway, thank you. Does that answer your question?

I saw a doctor. You saw a doctor? I saw a doctor. In passing, like, you know, at the markets. Oh, like you just ran into a doctor. Yeah, just talking. And then they brought up the topic of worming. And he said, how often do you worm your kids?

And I said, never, never done it. Me either. And he said, well, you should actually be doing it every six months. Yeah. From when? That's a good question. I don't have the answer to that. But apparently when

your kids, let's say from the age of three and again, no, I'm no expert. No. Okay. I'm not trained medically. You're not. And I want to say three, but just I think every six months. Okay. So I then took that information. I've implemented the information, gave us all worming tablets. So you've all been wormed? Got any spares? I could use it. I had a nice meal of dirt last night. April's like, what the hell's in the backyard?

Someone's digging things up and you're like, oh, I don't know what it is. It's genius with the technology, the advancements, Ash, in medicine. It's phenomenal. Well said. You know what we're doing now? We're disguising medicine in chocolate. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah. I was tricking Lola into thinking that she was having a treat. Oh, it's like the Vitagummies, but like, yeah. Yeah. Cause my kids think it's a lolly. Suckers. I was like, give it, give it to me Lola. And she's like, fuck off.

Oh, she couldn't get enough of the chocolate. Ha ha ha. So I've tricked Lola into having chocolate. Little does she know. She's been dewormed. Yeah. Did they have, do you know if they'd ever, you wouldn't have known if they ever had worms

because they probably just haven't had them yet. No, I asked my mom, I asked the same question of, you know, like, how often do we get dewormed? And she was like, never did it. Not once. Yeah, okay. We weren't a wormed family. You obviously didn't get the taste of dirt.

But I also think that I may have had worms. Were you a butty-chey? Yeah, and I was always hungry. But. You probably did. Were you always hungry and never put on weight? Yes. Oh, you had worms. I know.

I was like, mom, that's like, you missed a mark there. Apparently, worms can also come through the balls of your feet. What? Yeah, because my dad had worms not that long ago, because they were in Indonesia. And my dad's worms not that long ago, because he was in, they were in Indonesia, and my dad's a classic, that generation walks around barefoot in fucking Indonesia. And they went through his feet.

He used to walk through the paddock there to get to the surf, and it would be, there'd be cow shit and all sorts of stuff. Oh, they do. Well, I just so happened to have a few left over. Can we, can I try one? I thought you'd never ask.

Oh yeah, I just voluntarily. Mmm. There's two left. Now I had four tablets and I feel great. If I get sick. Well you're not gonna get sick. Is there worms in this and you're like, I've got it. No, no.

So I can have both of these? I'm not gonna infect you, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good, right? That's delicious. Yeah, tasty. It's a bit carob-? I'm not going to infect you. Yeah. It's good, right? That's delicious. Yeah, tasty. It's a bit carob-y. You know, like carob. Yeah.

But, oh, aftertaste is lovely. Right? Mm. I'm going to give that a five on chocolate scale. I'm going to say it's better than Dairy Milk. He was just like, mm, kid's dessert. And those worms, gone. They're all gone.

How's the cartoon worm on the front? They look so happy. One of them, okay, one, okay. I have no idea what I've just given you, by the way. A chocolate square for thread worm, round worm, and hook worm. All worms. Jess's app producer is really hating this conversation.

It'll wipe them out. Okay. As a team, we need to de conversation. It'll wipe him out. Okay. As a team, we need to deworm. We're in this together, guys. That's good gear. It tastes very lovely. They're delicious. I might have to get the kids some deworming.

Look, honestly, April may have dewormed the kids. Yeah. I don't know if she did or didn't. She might have dewormed all of us, and we've all fallen for that trick. And she was just like, this will get them. But mate, that's lovely. One a day. I know, right? She might have dewormed all of us, and we've all fallen for that trick. And she was just like, this will get them. But, mate, that's lovely.

One a day. I know, right? One a day keeps the worms away. Lovely, that's good gear. How are you though? I'm good. Worms aside. Now, I know we did, last week we had, I revealed my present to you for your birthday.

Yeah. Which was a tattoo of your name. People loved it. People do love it. But Jess and I have got you something. Oh. I know to hate to carry it on but and you don't want to talk about it. I don't. Now I'll give you some context of the gift. Yes. We'll cast your eyes back to the end of last year when you asked Santa for something very specific and the boy inside you didn't get it. Well Jess and I have decided to be your Santa.

Okay. Okay. I'm gonna go get it. It's not on my person. It's a tattoo, it's on my dick. It's a tattoo, it's on Jess's butt. No. Bam! Oh! There you go. Happy birthday. What? Your big kid. That's lovely, isn't it? That's sick.

Because I remember you told me and I was like yeah that's a good gift and hoping you'd get it and you didn't. Is there a good brand? Yeah. Yeah. Went to a proper skate shop. How soon do you reckon it's gonna be until I break a bone? 24 hours. Thank you Jess, thank you Ash. That's to be until I break a bone? Oh, 24 hours. Thank you, Jess. Thank you, Ash. That's okay. Because I asked Laura again for a skateboard. Didn't get it.

And I didn't get it. And I thought maybe it's a sign that I just shouldn't get one. The little boy inside you wanted a skateboard and I provided you and Jess provided you with a skateboard. I think you deserve it. This is sick. Don't hurt yourself. The kids need you.

Thank you. And full disclosure, if you do die, I'm not helping out. I've got my own kids to worry about, bro. That is epic. Thank you. Thank you. And full disclosure, if you do die, I'm not helping out. I've got my own kids to worry about, bro. That is epic. Thank you. Thank you. I don't deserve you. And Jeff.

There we go. So that's how I am. I'm well. So is that the birthday finish, the birthday over? I think the birthday is done for now. Yeah. Someone else's birthday soon. This guy.

I know. I hope not. August. Yeah, you don't remember the day though, do you? 16. Really good. No. Fuck! The 11th.

It's the 11th. Matt, it's time to get something off our chest. And I want to get something off my chest really quick because the listeners have spoken. This hurts. This hurts. This hurts a lot because I thought, and April even said to me, she was like, she saw the post and this is how slack she's been. She's really behind on episodes.

And she's like, I just listened to that song. It's horrible. And I was like, that's the charm. That's the whole point, right? That's the whole point. It's horrible. But anyway, whatever. Well, someone in Facebook group, fucking hell, making us work hard at the moment.

They just asked, what's the favorite song out there for the segments? Overwhelmingly, tell me lies. Beautiful song. It's a soothing hymn. I thought it, well said. I thought we needed something a bit more grunge and we did it. You know I listened back and I think we should avoid rock. It's very very very raspy. Very

raspy. I got screamy. But at the time we were like high fiving like this is great. I know this footage of that. We put the vote out there and people were also like we want to hear samples before we commit to a vote. And I was like, well, it doesn't work like that. Yeah, this is not a production company. Just a couple of people hanging around and hanging out. So some of the options were, Heya by Outkast. How would that work?

Like, parents. Yeah. Okay, yeah, good. Didn't do in. Scatman. What the heck is Didn't do win. Scatman. What the heck is that? You know the Scatman song? No.

What? But. I'm the Scatman. I think what we should do is make a song worse than the one we've got. No. Okay, what other options? So we've got, so with the one that won, we've got Shania Twain. Twain. that won, we got Shania Twain. Twain? You said Twain.

Shania Twain! Shania Twain? Twain. That's what I said, Twain. Okay. Man, I feel like a woman. Okay, how would that go? No.

I'm asking how! You're the composer here. We haven't actually recorded... I was trying to pretend like we recorded it. Oh! Alright, whatever, let's go, here it is! Anyway we gotta pretend how good it was. That was great!

So full disclosure, we haven't recorded it. We're gonna record it after. Okay, so you can have the old one for now guys. Good luck! Bye! Moving on! To say what I feel Man, I feel like a parent Hey! I'm glad this is so funny to you guys. Oh, God, this is good. It's good to giggle. It is good to giggle. That'd be a good, actually, t-shirt idea. It's good to giggle.

So I'm going into my rant now, am I? Okay, great. You kick us off. I'm going to kick us off. I have a residual rant. So I had the issue where I didn't take the rubbish out. Remember, I forgot and then missed the truck. And then people had all their suggestions off the back of the episode last week or week before.

A lot of people ask you to burn down your house. Yeah, actually, I'd love to do that. Would have been awkward if you did it. I know, it would have been awkward. That'll teach the rubbish. And then I got a lot of suggestions being like, call the council, whatever, make up something. I was like, this is my burden to deal with. So I snuck around. Someone said, call up the council and pretend like they forgot you've been. Yeah that's just I'm throwing the poor driver under the bus then.

Yeah that's. Let's get him. And I was like oh no I'll just creatively put it into the neighbors bins. And that was the solution. But it got me thinking about how small and this is the rant. How fucking small that red bin is for a household. Like you can request a big one.

Yeah I know I know. Whoa whoa. I got a friend who works in rubbish. Shout out to my bins. And I was like hey dude surely you've got a spare red bin. And he was like they won't pick it up. He's like you need to actually, it's like a whole- What, they know?

They know. They have a list of bin sizes? They have a list of bins, yeah. Because if you- Like street house number 47, whoop, that's a bigger bin. Yeah, you can't go out, like I think it's part of your rates,

depending on the council. You have like an enormous dumpster. I know, yeah. That's what I need. My kids, fuck, they go through so much shit. I don't know how they do it. But my rant is, the bin from day one, if it's a house and that bin's there, it's too small. It's too small. One more time. It's too small.

You know what happened to me? Two things on the bin segment, just really quickly. Bin segment? One person messaged, I think they're from Ballarat, maybe? Other part of the world. And they said their bins get collected every two weeks. I saw that. Yeah, right. So I was like, just wait till next fortnight.

Can you imagine that? I'd live in a dump. Imagine that with a newborn child. Far out. The nappies would be the fucking worst. And also, to add to that, I collected our bins last week and I was like far out. I couldn't find my bin. I was like all the bins have been picked up and then there was one there that was, I was like, it's not my

red bin, it's a different number. And I was like, clearly someone's taken it. And I was pissed off. I was like so it took you been so but I've never once washed out my bin right the thing is it's got like dog shit like some pancake on to the bottom of the inside of the bin oh the bin that was left pristine I've upgraded we accidental upgrade it was great except now bins got collected today, my bin's back. They've realized. Yeah.

Do we know who it is? Yeah, I got the number. Bin gate, let's call them. And say what? Say, hey, you took my clean bin. And just see what they say. It has the house number written on it. I know, it'd be funny.

Anyway, whatever, next time. Just quickly, on my rant that I did, I thought I was doing a rant that would be reciprocated by people online. Which one was that? Well, I made the mistake though. The safe community, the podcast. The judgmental community, social media. Okay.

School holidays. I was having a rant about the groups of teenage boys that are going around the neighborhood with no respect for anyone except for themselves, no helmets, cutting off traffic, almost causing accidents left, right and center. Easy Boomer. That's what people said. They're like, did you turn 28? Did you turn 38 or 80 on the weekend?

Oh, totally. Yeah. So, okay. People were like, people were really having a go at me. And I leave those boys alone. They were like, the teenage boys, what do you want them to do? Just stay inside all day? And I was like, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Get off the road. You know when they're like, when you try to get rid of something,

you're just almost like, don't get rid of them. They keep away the, you know what I mean? Like, for example, it's like, don't get rid of the snakes they keep away the, you know what I mean? Like for example, it's like don't get rid of the snakes, they keep away the rats. Well what are the teenage boys keeping away? Snakes, snakes? Snakes? I don't know what they're keeping away.

And I just want to say, I think teenage boys are great. I love that they're out there enjoying the school holidays, but it's just when they're like weaving in and out of traffic and they're doing wheelies. The hooligans. When they're loitering. They're loitering. Do you know what, and look,

this is gonna sort of spawn on the end of the this. Yeah, I love spawn. I know you do. You're having a third kid, you love spawn. Anyway, and it was the last day of school term and I stupidly went to the shops right on school finish. There's a high school across the road. I tell you right now, that time, it's like a prison yard.

These kids, they're vaping. Oh, how old are we? Oh no, I'm gonna stop this immediately. Give us a ciggy. They're smoking. Oh my God, I used to smoke a pack a day. Yeah, different times. I'm a changed man now.

Back in my day we used to smoke Winnie Reds at the shopping centre. Now they've vapen in the food court. But they're just, they're up to no good. Anyway, that's enough. I just want to say that when you have a rant, don't share it on social media because they'll judge you. Share it here. We'll embrace you, regardless of the rant.

Regardless who's wrong or right. Okay, let's get on to our list of rants. This is from Brooke and her rant is, when you're at an appointment with your baby and they are in the pram with a swaddle covering them because they are due for their nap, but the professional you are seeing takes it upon themselves to remove the swaddle

and start talking to your baby. Why? It's not your child. Are they at the doctor's appointment for the child? Yeah, good point. I need more context. I get if I'm assuming it's the appointment for the mom. Okay, cool. All right. We understand the doctor and like, let's just give a nod to the doctors. Great work in this country. Not rural doctors though.

Not the rural ones. I bet, yeah, where is she? Rural. That's something a rural doctor would say. Oh yeah, yeah, that's rural behavior. Yeah, that is. From Darwin or somewhere. Somewhere, I'm not gonna name specifics.

Look, yeah, look, let the kids sleep, right? Thank you. And attend to the real patient, which is the mum. So if you're listening and you're a doctor, hands off, buddy. Yeah. All right, next one. This one's from Charlotte.

Oh, this is, wow. The price of baby chinos. It's literally leftover steamed milk. How much is a baby chino? Not to sound like I'm not, and I hate to steal the words from how much nanny, but not in touch with the common man, but what's a baby chin? Not to sound like I'm not in, and I hate to steal the words from Hamish and Andy, but not in touch with the common man, but what's a baby chin is what? $1.40? I don't know. I don't even know. Do they charge? I'm just paying. Why does my coffee cost $11?

Well you get a marshmallow. Marshmallow is worth something. Well not really. Well you got the cup. You're paying for merchandise. Well, not really. We got the cup. You're paying for merchandise. It's probably recycled. You still gotta pay for it. I mean, maybe I think, I think there should be like a minimum spend.

If you're spending $10, you get a free baby chino. Hear me out. Go on. We should start a campaign. That all baby chinos should be free. Okay, small businesses are gonna hate this. No, because with free- Subsidised by the government? Who's paying for it?

No, free with any large coffee. So, in other words, if I'm a parent and I'm like, I'll buy a regular coffee, they're like, do you know, if you get a large coffee, you get a free babuccino for young fucking Timmy over there. He's good. he's good. Very good. Anita.

I think that's a good idea. I agree, I agree, I agree, but we've got rants to get through bro. We could get around to cafes and be like, hey your babychino's free, why not? Like a current affair style. I hate to cut you off. Sorry.

I'm having fun. Anita, sorry. Go on. You finished? Yeah. She says school holidays, day one, and I'm already being driven mad by my kids. We had day one yesterday and I had

to take the kids to work with me. I don't really have a job. But I had to take them to me to with me to do work. Yeah, I'm with her 100%. How why work? Anyway, whatever. Fair rant. It's annoying. That's what it is. I've got one from Hannah starting a conversation telling me I looked like oh my god, that falls into the category of what not to say to a parent is like, you look tired. So anyway,

would you like a baby chino? It's gonna cost you 45. into the category of what not to say to a parent is like you look tired so anyway would you like a baby chino it's gonna cost you 45 dollars. Hey last one here it's from Danielle when I pick up my kids from Nan and Pop and she smells like their perfume and cologne. Oh moss balls oh man oh yeah. Oscar and I get home and they're like, can they give me a big cuddle? And I smell their breath and it smells like Cadbury chocolate. I'm like fuckers.

They've hopped on sugar. But yeah, if they come home, they smell like your nan's perfume. You're like, oh, you're wearing too much perfume. Anyway. And see that all those rants, warm embrace from us. We love that. Who else do we love? Aldi for bringing this segment today. Just low prices every day. Aldi. Good different. Matt is that time of the week where we take questions from the

listeners? I don't know if you know how that works. I don't. Refresh my memory. They can send us a DM, they can send us an email what they can that's great Can I get through it? Sorry also on the Facebook group they ask us questions and we're here to serve So we have some questions answers serve on a hot plate answers Wimbledon's on Okay, okay Answers Wimbledon's on. I think it is on. It is in the moment. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. I got one for you. Yes. And it is around propaganda. What sort of parenting propaganda are you not falling for? Okay. Well, one guy. Okay.

How many do you want to do? How many? This is I I've got three here. I've got three too. Okay, this one is the most important, I think. Mm-hmm. Partly because she earns more money than me. But mum should focus on parenting instead of their career. We're not having that. Not falling for that propaganda.

No. I'll give you one Cherish every moment. No What about when you get shadowed I'm not cherishing that moment I think like that is such like a You should really cherish every moment like that sort of backhanded. Yeah Shut up. Okay, what else you got? Do you know who says that? People who only parent their kids like on the weekends. People who aren't really in the trenches, like some of us.

But hey, hang on, hang on a sec, go on. It's the people, whenever I hear people be like, it goes so fast, you have to enjoy it. It's someone who only really parents, like they're working during the week, and then they're on the weekends and it's like If that works for you sure what if they need to work to survive what survive? Stop you from working, but you're not really getting a taste of what yeah true parenting is get leave at work early one day

Come home for the bath routine fuck an owl. Yeah Leave at work early one day and come home for the bath routine. Fuckin' hell. Yeah. That's a natural word. Cherish that. Yeah, cherish that. I feel like it's like just continually yelling the same sentence every night. Gentle parenting 100% of the time.

Oh, that's garbage. Shut up. How do you get by with that? They don't listen. No one's that nice. Obviously, there are times where you can gentle parent. Whenever I gentle parent and it works, I'm like, good on you. But I also think the kids look at me like,

what's going on with this guy? I know they're like, shut up. Yeah. Just tell me what to do. They feel bad. Don't try and nurse me into what to do. Like, yeah, oh, nightmare. Babies smell amazing.

No, I'm not falling for that. But they do. They don't, they're musky. I like them. Dusty. I like them. Obviously when they've like done a massive poo, I like the foot jam.

Sour milk? It's cute. Oh, each to their own. But that's, I'm not falling for that propaganda. And thankfully I don't have to because I'm not having any more kids. I refuse to hold your new kid. This is one that I'm trying to instill into Laura

Okay, we're still working on it, but the house shouldn't be cleaned when guests arrive So you think you should be dirty yeah, I think there's got to be a middle ground Matthew I Think presentable No, if you kids, it's fine. I think it's fine to a degree, but you're not going to walk in and there's fucking shit all over the floor. Well obviously there's a line somewhere. Let's not say, there has to be a middle ground. But the washing can be on the table.

Yeah, that's fair. Thank you. Not on the floor though. Wow, I didn't expect this segment to go this way. Okay, anyway, whatever. My last one. Whatever me. My last one is sibling love is beautiful. It's not.

That's annoying. It's so annoying. Like, I wish my kids just flat out hated each other because they like play nice for one sec and then all of a sudden it's like beat down city. My kids are really into hitting each other. They're like full uppercutting like punch-ons. I know that's a good right hook but stop that. And Oscar's like well like hit his sister a little bit it's never anything

it's more like annoying to annoy and then Oscar like the other day was like Macy's biting me and I was like come here Oscar I'm like, come here, Oscar. I'm like, was she biting you or not? He's like, I thought she was gonna. I was like, bro. Doesn't work like that. Doesn't work like that, mate. So that's propaganda I'm not falling for. Well said.

Hey Ash, just one more question. Yep, if we may. This one's from Kirstie. She would love to know, what's the most feral thing your kid has ever done in public? Oh, it's a long list. Well, let's cast our memories back to a story I did tell on this podcast early on

in its inception. I think it was like- Wow, I have a way with words. It must have been within- The first. Like 10, 20 apps. Yeah, so if you wanna go back and listen to that and every other episode, that'd be great, thanks.

I told a story where I take one kid shopping, because it's too hard with both, to do the big shop. And I got a milkshake for Oscar and I to share, mainly for me and for Oscar to have a little bit. What flavour? It was honeycomb, chopped honeycomb. Yeah, love that. Lava.

And we were in the shops. I had given it to him to have a sip. And I was like, turned to get what we needed it. And I took a little bit longer, not really noticing. And I turned around and Oscar had finished the milkshake. Disappointing for you. Disappointing. Yeah.

That's not the feral part. The feral part is he started to shiver. And was like you cold. He went into shock. We're not in the dairy or we're not in the cold section. We're like. He's got hypothermia. We're mid shops and he's like because the milkshake was so cold he's like shivering and he's in the trolley seat. A litre of ice cream. Literally. he's more ice cream than person at the moment. It was like, I was like, what's wrong? I realized. His body temp is just battling to see.

He was struggling to survive, I'll tell you right now. Anyway, I've like taken the lid off. Thankfully, I've taken the lid off to look in and he's really cleared that out. No wonder he's shivering. And I was like, are you okay? And he was like, uh, trying to put on a brave face.

And like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's gone pale. I'm like, there's a vomit coming here. And his instincts kicked in. Yeah, he projectile vomited. I've caught every drop in back into the cup, okay? And he's like, ble it all like the best perfect catch ever.

And it was still cold when it came back out. You know, when like you're younger and you did a beer bong and you're spewed it back out and it was still cold. That's what it was. Anyway, he felt much better after that. But people in that aisle like, what am I watching here? Nice to have a little flashback into what Ash's youth was like.

Yeah. But yeah, that was disgusting. That, actually that could work for our next segment. What's the next segment? Parenting wins. Oh yeah, that is a win. Rub that in, big guy. Yeah Ash, we love wins that you can rub in.

You know what else you can rub in? What? Parenting winds would not be possible without the support from Vic's Vaporub. Now available in new Lavender scent. I'll go first. This one's from Bronte. Getting in the car after 6pm, risky.

Kids fall asleep, but then you're able to carry them to bed without waking. Hallelujah! That's not a parenting wind, that's a parenting miracle. That is outstanding stuff. Rub that in. Rub that right in. Oh, Sarah from a teacher.

Okay. We don't often get submissions from a teacher, but we love them. And she says, I got to pee and eat my lunch without interruptions from the kids. Very good. Also, what's the deal with that staff room? What's going on in there? It's always off limits. You know how the one teacher comes and goes, who do you want? Because they just want to have their lunch in peace. So what's the deal with that staff room? It's always off limits. What's going on in there? It's always off limits.

You know how the one teacher come in case, who do you want, who do you want to see? Because they just want to have their lunch and tea. I know, that's what it is. They're all like, what's going on behind there? Just act a little bit more like it's, you'd be welcome and the kids won't care what's in there. If they're like, yeah, come on in.

I know, it's like, what are you guys up to? What are you hiding? Yeah, what are you hiding in there? They've probably got like hot tubs or something. All right, this one's from Simone. This one's from Simone. I've convinced my kids that quiche is actually cake. Did not see that coming.

Genius. Win. Rub it in. Next one. I love, I love lying to kids and making them think that something healthy is a treat. Because you're just like, the satisfaction when you get away with it, you're like, these kids are like...

This is from Matthew Greatname, by the way. A youngest woke up at 5am instead of 3am. Oh, how good. Celebrate that. It's so good when they sleep in. Is that a sleep in? No, but so good when they actually sleep in. You'll take it.

I'll take it, I'll take that extra two hours. Okay, I got one from Amanda. Turning everything into a race because her competitive nature has well and truly clicked in. Race to the car, race upstairs to brush your teeth, race to get undressed in the shower. I let her win every time. Ah, that's always a good one. I let it win every time.

Oh, that's always a good one. For kids, for girls, I think it kicks in later. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And so as a girl dad, when you could start doing like competitive races for any little crappy activity. I've been doing it for years. All right, legend. Because it's a boy.

I know you're a for years. All right, legend. Because it's a boy. I know you're a great parent. Shut up. Tori, I have a three and a four year old and deciding what to make them for breakfast is always a disaster. So I've created laminated pictures of breakfast options and they walk out and just point to which one they want. Genius. That's a hack if anything.

That's a hack. Also anything. That's a hack. Also, must be nice for the kids. They have all these choices. I know, just like pointing at the waffles. Yeah, Matt's just like, Porridge! Daddy O, I love Porridge! We're a Porridge family. Did you see that meme?

It was like, I get it now, with the like Little Red Riding Hood or whatever it was, and it was like, mum's porridge is too cold, dad's is too hot, but the kid's is just right. Think about that on a deeper level. All right. Ash, that is Parenting Winds for this week, which I love it when parents rub it in.

I'm all for it. And it is brought to you by Vicks Vaporub. For the ultimate parenting hack this winter, try Vicks Vaporub. For the ultimate parenting hack this winter, try Vicks Vaporub, now available in new lavender scent. It provides cough and cold relief for a peaceful sleep because when they sleep, ah, you sleep. Shop the Vicks Lavender range in store or online at Chemis Warehouse.

Always read the label and follow directions for use. Matthew, I have some terrible news. Yes? It's dreadful. That's all you have time for. Oh God. It's been a long one. It's disappointingful. That's all we have time for. Oh God. It's been a long one. It's disappointing isn't it? It is but I'm hungry. I'm very hungry. Okay. I apologize.

I hate when I yell at you. I need a gentle friendship you. Okay thank you. If you enjoyed this episode we would absolutely love it. I did get a very nice message on the Instagram page for 2D Adding Dads and it was great, but I was like, copy and paste this into Apple Podcasts as a review?

Yeah. But I didn't. But we would appreciate public. I'll also put a nod to a couple of nice messages that I've received personally, just about some of the more vulnerable episodes that we have done and people putting their mental health first.

Yeah, it's great, but what they should put first is a subscribe to the podcast. No, I'm joking, I'm joking. You were joking. That was a joke. That was a joke. That was a joke. But if you do subscribe, that'd be great.

And follow us on social media. Tooting Dads on Instagram, Facebook, and also TikTok. Let's get some lunch. Okay. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. get some lunch. OK. Goodbye. Bye. Goodbye. OK. If you enjoyed this episode, I'm going to burp.

Hang on a second. Excuse me. I'm just... I'm so sorry. We are very gassy today. Speak for yourself. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal

and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.