Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #161 Big Boy Purchase

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

Matty J and Ash are twinning this episode after making a big boy purchase in the hope of solidifying their masculinity (For the record, there's no such thing as buying your way to masculinity!)  Setting the side the purchase for a moment, Matt has become more primal during the family holidays down in Ulladullah. Spearfishing, cooking and oh, believing he's a tradie when he is, in fact, nowhere near a professional.  Oscar is causing toilet mayhem in the Wicks household and dad's copping the blame. Why? Well, Ash is overloading him with toilet instructions and it's confusing the boy!  We also get into your Par-Rants for this week, where you air out your parenting grievances. We also answer your questions:  Things parents would never say What age do you think is appropriate for a child to have a TV in their bedroom? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Do you ever hold your breath for too long that it makes you wee? Sorry? What? You heard me. How? What? Where and when are you holding your breath for so long? Why?

I have so many questions. Mainly why? Like in the ocean, you ever hold your breath for a long time? No. And it makes you need a wee? What? Just uncontrollably or just gives you the urge? Yeah.

But it doesn't take much just to let it come out. Yeah. Do you think it's pressure? I don't know. You're on your own. Yeah. But it doesn't take much just to let it come out. Yeah. Do you think it's pressure? I don't know. You're on your own. Anyway, get that checked. Welcome back to Tootooing Dads. I am Matty J. And I'm Ash.

And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. If you've come for advice, Ash, just tell them. We got none. Yeah. Anyway, moving on. How are you?

Yeah, I'm very well. I'm very well. For people who may have not realized, we had a little break. We did. Not like Life Uncut. What, did they have a big break? They didn't put any episodes out.

Oh, that's slack. Yeah, I know. That's what that is. I know. I was in Facebook and because I comment a lot on Life Uncut, I try and like get in there on the Facebook group. You fucking love it. And someone was like, oh, there's a big problem. There's no episode today.

Did you just put out an episode? And I said, holidays must be nice. And I was like, someone put out an episode this afternoon, this morning. Wow. There you go. Everybody was like, shut up. I would like to know, are they committed to this? We are. I don't think they are.

Nah, they're not. I'm going to say they're not. Yeah, we didn't take any holidays. No. Well, we kind? Yeah. We are. I don't think they are. No, they're not. I'm going to say they're not. Yeah, we didn't take any holidays. No. Well, we kind of did. No rest. We pre-recorded.

We did. You took a holiday. I kept the wheels turning. I didn't do anything. I just had kids for the whole holiday. We are recording this. We're going to let people in on a little secret on how we make this podcast. The magic of podcasts.

Gonna invite you into the inner sanctum. Oh, be careful. Okay. All right. That door is just like opened up slightly. It's ajar. Come on. Yeah, it's ajar.

And you're welcome to come on in, take a seat, get comfortable. We record like a week in advance. Oh, fuck. Okay, I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. I was gonna break the internet. I shouldn't have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I

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said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should have said that. I should for making it. I did drop off this morning with Oscar and there was a mum in front of me and she pretty

much kicked the kids out of the car and said, get the fuck out of my car without the F word. Maybe she said it, maybe not, I'm not going to judge and go to school and annoy someone else. There were a lot of very happy parents on Drop Off and I'm sure there'll be a lot of very sad parents this afternoon for pick up. They should have, we should have like a party every first day of term. Just saying. Let's be honest.

If you get invited to that, there's no way you're attending. Why? Cause you hate. I'd be lit though. I don't want to judge your parenting, Ash. Oh God. Not here to judge your parenting, Ash. Oh God. I'm not here to do that. No good.

I'm not here to, you know, make you feel uncomfortable. Well, I certainly hope not. But you're a maniac. You're crazy. Thank you. You're insane. I know. I know.

You're doing it all wrong. What do you mean I'm doing it all wrong? I'm glad you asked. You don't use the school's holiday care system. We do. Well, go on. One day a week. Just the...

Ah, don't get me started. It's not my call, man. Okay. I'm not in charge. I'm not in charge. And I think we were trying to... Well, this is awkward because now it's... I think it's a great idea what you're doing with the One Day a Week.

Very good. Why? Because it's April's this thing. April's this thing. I already told April that you've shamed her for the One Day a Week. No, it's... I think at the moment we were just like trying to save money. So it was like easier to just...

Don't cry poor to me. Make him tag. I know what you're like. I know the money in your pockets. Speaking about money in my pockets. We're just trying to save, you know what I mean? Like we're just trying to scrape together a little dollars and a cents because it's really tough on the Northern beaches.

You're living North Bondi bro. Let's not get started all right. Let's not get started on that.. Let's get started on that. Speaking of money. Yeah. Okay. I have made a purchase and I would say some would say, I am now a man. Now, let me just cast your eyes back.

I thought we weren't going to talk about it. We're not talking about it. What do you think I'm going to talk about? Oh, I'm, I'm bummed. Serenia, how many. Purchases. Yeah. What'm, I'm bummed to hear in ya. How many purchases? Yeah, what do you get? No, well last week we spoke about this toolbox and we had a little moment during that chat we could cast back where we didn't know what goes in the toolbox.

We didn't. Very pathetic and very embarrassing. So I went out and I thought I need to be more of a man. And every man has what, Matt? A screwdriver set. A tool bag. Tool bag. Brace yourself.

This is the outstanding value too. We'll go through that shortly. The suspense right now. He's reaching under the table. I got the same one! Shut up! Yes! Shut up!

Where is it? Go and get it. Go and get it. I got them right. The tools super tools. I know what it is. What's this a zip? How's that work? Cause it has a little ready. It has a little black wrench set. It does.

Bam. Little black hammer. Where is it? What else? Red screwdriver. Very good. Hey color. Your colors are on point.

Consider it a red screwdriver. I'm going to go with a black one. I'm going to go with a black one. I'm going to go with a black one. I'm going to go with a black one. I'm going to go with a black one. I'm going to go with a black one. I'm going to go with a black one. I'm going to go with a black one. I'm going to go with a black hammer. Where is it? What else? Red screwdriver. Very good. Hey, color.

Your colors are on point considering the bag is black and red. So yeah, look, I thought there's a lot of things. Yeah. You know, there you go. Yeah. Hang on. Let me just start that sentence again. Anyway, Cobble, the thing is, I was just thinking about-

No, you're forcing it to- Yeah, look, I was just thinking- That's better. Thank you. Listen here, Cobber. I was walking around the house and I thought, there's a lot around here that needs to be fixed. And I don't have the tools to fix them. So I went out and I bought a tool bag-

You're talking very slow. To fix them. We'll speed it up in edit. Anyway, I'm a man. Finally. I have the same one. We're both men. Do you reckon this is the one that they direct? Because did you ask for help?

No. Because I said, I went to Bunnings and I said, I need a toolbox. And he said, this is the one you want. Do you reckon this is like, if you have this, you're a loser? Yeah, all of the cashies, all the checkout dudes were like, we got another one, fellas. Amateur hour. Amateur hour. You get shamed on the way out.

Shame. No, that's good. Do you know what also is good? Can it wait? Why did you buy it? Why'd you buy the tool bag box thing? Um, I recently purchased a simulator. What little tool box?

I needed a specific Allen key. And a lesser man would have just bought the Allen key. No. Not me. Not you. Anyway, so if anyone needs any home improvements... I'm your guy. We can give a special shout out to Trady Dad for those eyes. What do you think about that big boy? He must be listening going, what a bunch of absolute pathetic losers.

It's better. It's an upgrade from my tool, ZipLock bag. Is it a big upgrade? Yeah. I think every dad has a Z ziplock bag in their cupboard somewhere with miscellaneous tools from certain flat packs. And it's a great little uh it's almost like a lunch box. Yeah you look good, you look great. You think I look good now, watch this. I come over to do some maintenance. Oh no my table is so wonky. I wonder who's going to fix it.

Oh my God. He's so handsome. Yeah. So there's a few things around the house that needed attending to. I'm yet to attend to them because I was playing the simulator, playing the simulator, but I figured like once I do eventually lose all those tools, I've just got a nifty little carry back. It's we have turned into the same person. And you're growing a mustache. I've got tools. I've just got a nifty little carry back. We have turned into the same person.

You're growing a moustache. I've got tools. It's I did the exact same thing because we were down the Aladullah house. Must be nice. Thank you. And this whole time I've been here stuck in Sydney and I would love to have got my hands dirty. I should do a lot of the work myself on the house in ala Dalla. But I can't cause I'm here. And you'd need to be qualified to do most of that work. How hard can it be?

Let's install every tradie. And so when now the house is like not quite finished, we're like, do you need me to come down and finish it? Absolutely. So it's about, it's like 99% done. There's a couple of like tiny little jobs that need doing just like the little finicky ones. And we got down there and I was kind of eyeing off a few of these jobs and like, Laura, he's like a light that needs to be put in and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And she's like, can you get Tom, who's a builder, shout out to Tom, he's a great guy. He said, can you get Tom to do it? And Tom, for the holidays, he went away. Tom deserves a break. He deserves a break, 100%. And I thought to myself, I have two options here. I can wait till Tom comes back, send him the email with a list of jobs that I had finished. But then I thought to myself, no, I'm a man, I'm a big boy. Go down to Bunnings and I can buy what's required, I can buy the materials and I will do it myself.

Okay. And how did that go? Really good. Really good. One of the jobs, Laura was like, I'd love to paint the garage, the roller door. Oh, I saw, yes. And I was like, I can do that. Bit of primer.

Beautiful. One coat. One coat? Put, yeah, one coat of primer. Bit of primer. Beautiful. One coat. One coat? Put, yeah, one coat of primer. Oh, I've just said the primer, sorry. And I come back and I messaged Tom, I said, hey, I sent him a photo of the primer. I said, I'm going to do this myself. You're relieved.

You're going to come back and this place will be finished. Yeah. And he goes, that's not primer for metal. That's primer for wood. And I was like, very good. Oh, pass the test. And anything that I touched, I damaged, I broke. So the roller dried and it warped the paint, like warped the metal door.

So it catches, it wouldn't go up and down. So when you roll it up and down, you have to like push it in. Could Tom give an explanation to why that would have happened? Well, I didn't, I wasn't gonna tell Tom that, but then I put it on my Instagram story. And now Tom knows. And he just messaged back and goes, yeah, don't worry. I'll fix that next week. Let the professionals do it, bro. That's what I've learned in my short. Yeah. Everything I touched, I broke. I know you were showing me you of what we're doing.

You're showing me the little camera that I want to put in. And I tried to move it, but then I ripped off the parts. Just ripped off the paint. And I do know how much I fucking spent on a drill and a little ladder. Okay. 260 bucks. Jesus. Because I was like, I want the good stuff.

Tax deductible. Of course. You'll be fine. Don't worry about it. So now I'm sitting like at home with garage full of tools that I don't use and I've got to get Tom to fix everything. Maybe you should just give the tools to Tom. And so you just take it.

Just take it. I'm retired. How was the rest of your trip down there? Anyway, It was good, dude. It was good. I don't know if you saw the fact that I was providing for my family with Fish? Fish that I'd caught.

Wild fish. Wild fish from the ocean. Pretty impressive I will say. What? I meant that. No I didn't. Did you? Yeah, I did.

Yeah. Do you know what I quite like what you did with it? When you splayed them out and there was some lemon involved and they were getting ready to cook. That was good. I like that. Yeah, I did like that. It's weird.

It's something special about being out there in the wild, in the ocean, just you and the elements. I saw a manta ray. The thing was fucking huge. You seen a manta ray before? I was face to face with a beast. you and the elements. I saw a manta ray thing was fucking huge. You seen a manta ray before? I was face to face with a beast. Well said.

Well said. Just me and the manta ray. Just me and the manta ray. I was, I'm a bit scared of sharks. Who isn't? Yeah. Right? Honestly, right?

Like really deep down, even people who swim with the sharks daily are scared of the fucking sharks. When I left I was like, I had my wetsuit half on and to the kids I was like, goodbye my children. You'll kiss them all on the head. I love you, I always will. Remember this moment as you trudge off. They're like, fuck off dad. Did you have to walk backwards because you had flippers on in the water too? Yeah. I was in the water and you know, it's a little bit murky. It's also early. It was like seven 30 in the morning. So the sun wasn't quite, you know,

it wasn't beaming. So visibility was not great. Where were the kids at this point? Laura was looking after the kids. Pony Club? We'll talk about Pony Club after. We'll talk about Pony Club in a second. But yeah, this manteray came out of nowhere. And like it was... Like a big one?

Fucking dude, it was like a fry pan. It depends how many times I've told the story. I want to say wingspan. Are they wings? That was bigger than the table. Bigger than this table? Get fucked. I'm not even kidding.

That is huge. I wouldn't lie to you. You know that. How many times have you told the story? First. I've been holding on to it. So imagine how big the manta ray is going to be after you've told it a few times. Giant squid.

That's big. And I didn't see any fish and I thought Laura's going to be so disappointed by the time I come home empty handed. Manta ray for dinner. Yeah. Manta ray sandwich. Lovely. But I saw this one fish.

It's a massive fish. Drummer fish. Drummer? Drummer fish. Yeah, drummer fish. So I shot the drummer fish, it's a massive fish. Drummer fish. Drummer? Drummer fish. Yeah, drummer fish. So I shot the drummer fish, got my shot off. Got my shot off.

And right through the guts. And it's funny how we were like, we joke about the fact that we change our voices slightly. In the moment, depending on who we're talking to. What's your fisherman's voice? Well, this one... Listen to me, hearty. Captain bird's eye here. That's more pirate.

Captain bird's eye. There was a guy I came over. You know when you're... Like you can't... You're inquisitive. You know, if someone's got a fish on the beach, you want to know what they've caught. Like if they're on a wharf and someone pulls in a fish. Not me, man.

That's a lie. I'm just walking straight past. That is a lie. If someone is on the wharf, a jetty, and their rod is bent, you want to see what they've caught. A fish is a fish, man. That's, yep. You just don't get it.

You don't get it. Like, ghost fishing ones. Okay. But we were filleting the fish, like scaling them. You just don't get it. You don't get it. Ghost fishing ones. But we were filleting the fish, like scaling them. Fillet a... Filaio fish you would say. Tom was Tom. I like Filaio fish.

What are you doing? Okay, sorry. Guy came over and he was like, what have you guys caught there? And I was like, couple of drummers. Yeah. As I then skipped back to Laura, look at that court. Look.

It's a couple of drummers. And she like, cause she's pregnant, she hates seafood. She was like, oh great. Who's going to cook it? And I was like, you are. It's like fish is one of those things where it's like, oh great. Who's going to cook it? And I was like, you are. See, like fish is one of those things where it's like, if you, if you've got any sort of queasiness whatsoever and a, and a dead fish goes past, you're like, It was delicious.

It was delicious. And Yamali enjoyed her pony club. Yeah. Tell us about pony club again. Just remind listeners and the new listeners what your kids do at Pony Club. Okay. You're trying to make me... No.

You know, position me as something that I'm not. Okay. Yes, my child has Pony Club. So you're a pony family. But I have to preface this because when I say Pony Club, people think that it's really bougie. Straight away I was like, oh, we've got manta rays and ponies. What it is, it is an old farm, trusty steed farm.

Is that what it's called? Yeah. That's a pretty good name. I like that. Very good. Very good. Solid. And the lady who runs it is, she's harsh, but she's fair.

She's great. She's great. She's an older lady. She won't mind me saying that, I'm sure. And she's great. When I dropped Miley off for the first time, this is the second time Miley's had a sin at Pony Club, Miley watches like a Barbie show.

Yeah, that's right. I remember her thinking it was going to be real boo. And they're all in like equestrian gear and the horses are all like beautiful. That sounds delightful actually. Miley was like, this is going to be real booge. And they're all in like equestrian gear and the horses are all like beautiful. That sounds delightful actually. Mine was like, this is going to be great. Finally, my life is living up to what it should be. And then we get there.

And the first job you have to do is shovel shit like for an hour. As the reality check straight up. Mine was like, it's got a Kmart. I want to buy a new outfit for my pony club. So she had this brand new outfit from Kmart that she was so excited to wear. One of those whip things and a little helmet.

I'm ready. And she gets there and I like hand her over and the lady's like, here you go. Start shoveling shit. Get in there. Here's a shovel. And he was like, what do you mean? And then like, as I drove off, I like looked at Marley standing in like ankle deep shit. So I'll pick you up at three o'clock.

What about Lola? No Lola goes? Too young. Too young. Too young. And also now she knows how shit it is. Yeah. She's like, fuck that. I can stay home and watch TV.

Genius. Well, sounds like a lovely trip. Thank you. I didn't go anywhere. I just got sick of my kids really quickly. Oh, school holidays are a drag. One problem we're having at the moment, you won't understand this because you have girls. I have a boy, his name is Oscar.

I'm not sure if you know, he's six and he pees out of his penis. Okay. Which is a problem. Which is, seems to be a problem for us. Because there's like when you were saying, when you were a child, the P gets everywhere, but you had, you had other reasons for that. Yeah. But Oscar's just. I have my foreskin removed.

Sick skin. Sick skin. Yeah. We, we talk about it every week. Anyway, so he, he uses the big toilet, obviously. And April said to me one morning, she said, Hey, you left the toilet seat up. And I said, listen, we've been together for like 14 years.

Have I ever once left the toilet seat up? Did you ever sit down weird? No. Okay, I'm just joking. Oh weird, it'd be comfortable. I'd try, that's great. Yeah, I don't have the time. Anyway, I was like 14 years, I haven't.

You don't do it. I've just never, I've just always put it back down. That's very considerate. Thank you. I think it's one of the small things that's considerate. Yeah. Forever. I agree.

And always will be. Good guy. And people talk about you behind your back if you don't. Well, that's what I think. I don't know. Cause I don't, I don't do it. Anyway. So it's almost insulting that you've been, I was insulted.

Yeah. I was like, Hey, there's two boys in this house now. And she was like, Oh yes. Okay. And she was like, can you talk? Can you talk? There's one adult, one adult, two boys. There's two small boys in this house.

And I was like, she was like, can you talk to him? Cause this is a boy thing. I'm like, that's fair. Okay. No. And I said to Oscar, Hey, can you put the seat back down when you pay? And he's like, yeah. Okay.

Great. No worries. And then I get the, a few weeks later, Hey, uh, when you pay on the seat, Ash, can you make sure that I've been blamed again? And I said, Hey, we've been together again. We've been together for 14 years. Have I ever once pissed on the seat? And she said, No.

And I said, Yeah, it's called common courtesy, babe. And if I did, I'd wipe it up. Honestly, just again, stand out individual. I think it's the bare minimum of being human. Human male. Yeah. Would I do it at a pub? No, it's different. It's piss on the floor. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. Anyway, before I could say something, actually, I forgot.

I forgot to say something to him to be like, hey, what to do? Probably a couple of days had gone past. I'd forgotten. And I was busting for a shit. Okay. And I bolted down the hallway, bolted into the bathroom, sat right down, sat right down on piss. It's awful. Isn't it?

Yeah. Especially in winter. Yeah. I was like, Oh, what the fuck? Realized. Especially in winter. I was like, oh, what the fuck? Realized. And then I said to Oscar, hey, this is what you need to do.

Okay, this is current routine. All right, it was, seat up, pee, wash your hands. That was his routine. And I said, hey, seat down. So then his routine went from not even putting the seat up Confused. Okay, and then I said, all right, this is what we'll do do a run through a dry run if you will And I was like, okay, you ready toilet seat up P toilet seat down. Okay, it's like it's it's a lot for a kid Yeah,. Six year old seems to be. What I saw that he was

doing is that instead of adding in the extra steps, he was just replacing current steps that were in his routine, which is really fucking annoying because it had a knock on, right? So when I was like, okay, up, down, wash your hands. Okay. Then I noticed a couple of days ago in the past, he was doing the wee properly, not washing his hands. And I was like, bro, add the, add the steps in, add them in. Have you got them written down somewhere? Good, good idea. Maybe I should do that.

He's only just learned to read though. You don't want to like overload him. I don't want to overload him too much. He can't even figure it out. Throw it in the toilet, I've got to read, just piss in the garden. Yeah. So I'm like, all right, let me give you the basic rundown of how this should go all the time for the rest of your life. This is a literally a life lesson

I'm going to give you right now. Toilet seat up, pee, toilet seat down, flush. You were missing, he was missing flush, but I do want to overcomplicate it because it's not, it's not critical. It's not business critical. This is This is a shit. And then go in, wash your hand with soap and leave. Okay. So I've given him all of that. And he's at the point where he, he's doing like 75%. Sometimes he'll leave the seat up, but he'll flush, wash his hand. So he can't put all the steps together. It's a lot, isn't it? I never thought I would have to go through such heartache as a parent. Putting up with this. It's like, bro, stop. Don't just

add the steps in. Having a boy sounds awful. It's brutal. It's brutal. Make him sit down, wee. No, because I don't know then. I don't know. He's just... He'll grow up to be a wimp. Like me?

Anyway, so I'm currently dealing with that. And then also... Do you want, I sometimes... To me, it's between you and me. Just us? Just us. But like washing of the hands, especially when it's winter and they've got jumpers on and like Marley and Lola hate getting their jumpers, like the ends of the jumper, like the little ribbing on the end, they had it getting wet. Sometimes if I'm wiping their bottom, I'm like, don't worry about washing your hands.

Okay. Wow. Fuck. Uh, that just came out of me. No, like I get it. Like, no, I'm always like, wash your hands, wash your hands. And I know they're skipping it. I know sometimes, sometimes I'm like, I didn't hear the tap.

And even my dude, I will not hear the tap. And I go to my, did you wash your hands? He goes, yeah, smell them. And I'm like, no, thanks. will not hear the tap. And I go to Marley, did you wash your hands? She goes, yeah, smell them. And I'm like, no thanks. Oscar goes, feel them.

Oh, I don't want you to clobby piss hands, bro. Fuck off out of here. Disgusting. Oh, and then I've got Macy who she'll use the big toilet, but because we only have one toilet, if Oscar's there doing a poo or something, whatever, poo routine on point. Just going to say that. Thank heavens. And he flushes that every time. Kids love buttons. I'm not sure I flush it all the time.

I mean, if I fucking flush that toilet before they get a chance to, they're like, how dare you? I wanted to see it. You're evil. And I wanted to press the button on my own! Oh my god sakes. I get a grip. Also, I'm convinced with the toilet how it has a full and half flush.

Same flush. Oh, it's a scam. There's no difference. It's a scam. It's one of the biggest scams of our... It connects to the same valve. Those bastards. I don't know what they're trying to prove with it, but I'll figure it out.

Anyway, Macy sometimes still has to use the potty. Okay. Which is in the, in the bathroom. And it's one of those ones that has a lid so it closes. Like it looks like a toilet. Be honest. Have you used it? For what? No.

Fuck off. No, I never use it. I'll break it if I sit on it with this fat ass. Imagine, imagine if Macy came in and you're doing a shit in the toilet. That'd be funny though. Yeah. And because it has closed the lid, she sometimes she goes, uses it just on her own accord, shits in it, shuts the lid, it sits there all day and no one knows.

And then she'll go to- You need to incorporate the toilet check into your daily routine. That's on you. I'm exhausted. So many toilets I've got to check. So it'll sit there all day and then April will be like, Oh no, I may as well go to use it again. And she'll be like, I can't use it. I was like, why?

And she's like, there's poo and wee in here. And I'm like, who left that? And she's like, I can't use it. I was like, why? And she's like, there's poo and wee in here. And I'm like, who left that? And she's like, I don't know. At least it's better that she's doing that as opposed to trying to empty it herself. Well, she tried that. Oh, God. It just ended up everywhere.

She'll never do that again. I remember back in the day, Lola being like, I'm going to do it. Don't touch me. Oh, yeah. And it's like having a bowl of full soup. And it's just like sloshing around. And you know, it's going to take me half an hour to clean up afterwards. Have you ever asked the girls to pick up that, like if you make them a bowl of cereal and you're

like, here it is and pick it up and take it to them. Oh yeah, it's just like a drunk person with dementia. It's like their first day working at the cafe and hot coffee. It's like, yeah. So anyway, I've got Oscar who's pissed on his seats and Macy who's leaving fucking grenades and storing them in a potty and then eventually we're finding them like a 12 hours later and you can imagine the stench. Thank God it's not summer. Oh, we better snap it, snap her out of it before summer.

Can I ask what you feed the kids for breakfast? Why do I feel like this is a true question? No, it's not a slot. Why do I feel like this is a true question? It's not a slot. Look, Macy loves a bit of toast. Oscar's a combination between toast, a bit of cereal, some fruit, and that. Kind of cereal. He loves rice bubbles.

Rice bubbles are good. Yeah, they got you going. Yeah. And then like- Do you ever give them, do you ever give them like the real, like the good stuff? The good cereal. No. Like the Coco Pops or the...

Nah. Nah. We've got new, as Oscar calls it, new three grains. But it's neutral grains. That's also, that's a huge big fan. Macy's in this thing at the moment where she wants a bowl of granola on its own. No milk. Yeah. And then doesn't touch it. We're like four days in a row now. It's not cheap.

I know. I said to her, you just asked for it and now you're not eating it. What's the deal? What's the deal? And she was like, shut up. I was like, eat it. We, um, we thought when I was growing up, we would have, you know, your standard nutrigrain, corn flakes, rice bubbles. Muesli. Special K.

Never had the special K. Oh, soft hartebran. Actually, I could go. Have you got some? Yeah, well, after this report, I'll give you a bowl, don't worry. But then my mom would say you can have cocoa pops for the school holidays. Oh, nice. Right? And that, it would go in like a heartbeat.

It would just get scoffed down. Because five kids, no one wanted to, like, if you didn't... Five kids would be like, there's one, two, three, four. It'd go in like two days. Yeah. You'd have Coco Pops for like lunch, like afternoon snack. Just every meal.

It'd go so quick. And I, and Marley was like, I want Froot Loops. Froot Loops, Fruity Loops, whatever it's called. And I was like, okay, it's holidays. I'll give you a bowl. Holy shit. What? Like just amazing.

You know how hard, when I'm trying to feed Marley in the morning, it's, you know, she'll have, sometimes she'll do it herself, but most of the time it gets halfway through a bowl and she like wanders off and like, feed me, you gotta feed it. Dude. Straight up. Fucking hell, man. Who'd have thought? I'm like, I get it why parents are like, yeah, have the sugar-free cereal.

Just have it, yeah, yeah. That kid was like, anyway, I'm off. She was like, another bowl. I was like, there's none left. She's like, give me some more. I was like, far out. Did you ever get like on like the little packet of little cereals? Yeah.

When you go like camping and shit like that. Oh yeah. And I was like, so go through like one. And there's always the sustain left. Why is that funny? Well, cause it's gross. I liked it. You would be a sustain guy.

Oh shut the fuck up. Um, do you want to do parents? I do! Ask great feedback from the listeners about the new song. I thought people were just taking the piss when they were like, the song sucks, the original one. And I was like, ha, good one. And they're like, no, it really like it like burns my it ruins my experience.

And I was like, so then we recorded a new one. It's beautiful. Great. Hey, it's nice to have the listeners happy. Nice and short too. I think that. Yeah. Yeah. And for anyone who's new and they don't know what pair rants are, Ash, explain. Well, if you've got something you want to get off your chest, you can send it to us and we'll get it off your chest for you. And you feel heard and seen and relieved hopefully. Or not.

Well said. I'm going to start with, this one is from Steph. Hi Steph. Steph, it's great to have you here. Often the ramp entrance to buildings, like my local mall, is she American? Mall. Is slightly off to the side of the building. And this is how I have to enter with my newborn in the pram. It seems to be the perfect spot for people to duck out of the building to smoke. Ciggy break.

The amount of times I'm running with the pram up a ramp with other people in wheelchairs. Gosh. Try. So I'm just like, imagine like a stampede of wheelchairs. Gosh, trying so just like I do like a stampede of wheelchairs and prebs. Quickly get in. Quick everyone get in. Sorry, Steph.

I'm done. I don't mean to laugh at your rant. Trying to roll as quick as possible because, sorry, people think this is a place to smoke. It is absolutely not a place to smoke. But also, smoke away. Are people still smoking? I don't think people.

I had to walk past a building yesterday. Oh God, you had to walk past a building? Jesus! And two men smoking outside the building. Oh, that's weird, isn't it? It's a different age. Different day and age is what I meant to say. It's just age. I Different date and age is what I meant to say.

It's the age. Cause it's funny, like there's way more tobacco in the shops now, but less tobacco out there. Gas. How are they surviving? I think illegal vapes. Look, fair rant. I guess like it is, like, there's going be Brahms and stuff walking up there like we were at

lunch the other day at Manly Wharf and literally at the front of the restaurant some old dude sparked up a fucking Winnie Red and the wind's just blowing it into everyone's food and it's like just take 10 steps away. You used to smoke a pack of them a day. Yeah but not like that. Where would you smoke them? In my car with the windows rolled up. I was really trying to get that nicotine into me.

All right, my turn. Is that when you were selling cars or you were a painter? Both. All the above. Imagine the sight of you after punching half a pack of wee reds in your car and then trying to sell someone a car. Sorry. I'll be like, is it the car, the price or something you haven't mentioned yet? Something like that. That's stinking. Your hair slick back.

What do you got? This one's from Jesamin. I think we've had Jesamin before with a rant or something of that nature. And that's absolutely fine. You can rant as many times as you like. There's no quota. There is no limit. There is no limit. This one says, being judged for the amount of screen time my 13 year old has, and the person judging me is my 11 year old.

Apparently he's not going to give his children screen time, or lollies. Oh wow. Well, that's rich. It's rich coming from an 11 year old. I mean. I have no idea. You don't want to be shamed in your own house by your own family, by your own child. Yeah, especially someone who's definitely uneducated in how to parent.

And also the younger one as well. Yeah. The older one I see it's like, you fucked me up, don't fuck that one up. You know what I mean? Like, 11 year old, butt out. Jesamin. But also if my 11 year old judged me on that next time I saw that kid on a screen, I'd be like, ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no!

And I'd take it straight off him. All right, this one is from Mandy. Anytime anyone asks if you or your kids still do something. Okay. I'm sure it's well intentioned, but when I hear the word still, it's amplified or over exaggerated in my head. For example, are you still breastfeeding? Are you still co-sleeping? Is he still in nappies? Still using the dummy? It's a bit insulting, isn't it? It's like when you say to me, are you still, Paul? No.

I... You said it once. You did? Yeah. Last week when I was like, I lived in an old Fibro Shack. You're like, you used to live in an old Fibro Shack? Anyway, I get it. That's, it's got like a real insulting connotation about it.

Oh yeah. It's like, oh, so you're still... It's like... An alcoholic. Yeah. I'm no quitter. Okay. Very good. Last one from Sarah. Okay. This one says, now the rant is that it's school holidays and I'm still working. Now, bear with me here. Oh, still, stills getting to work. Yeah, stills getting to work. You still working. Now bear with me here. Oh still, stills getting to work out. Stills getting to work out. You still work? Be nice not to. Anyway, my lovely children seem to think that because I work from home,

I don't actually work and will constantly ask me questions even when I'm on a work call. Oh man. Now my husband works from home two days a week and they won't bother him because he says dad's working. home two days a week and they won't bother him because he says, dad's working. April cops it from, cause they, they literally can't not be near her when she's home and because they've been home for two weeks ish here and there. Like, Oh, go to the bathroom and come back and both kids are in her office. And she's on a call and she's like, it's fine though.

Right. People get it. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I think I did take a call the other day and the guy on the Zoom was just like had his daughter like on the table and she was just like drawing on his face. And he was just, he was so far gone. It was during school holidays.

I used to bring Maisie into my work meetings when I had a real job. Um, uh, when I knew it was kind of going to be like a bad meeting, you know what I mean? So it was like, Oh, we're doing like a team performance meeting. And I'd be like, are we? And they're like, oh, she's so cute. Anyway, you're fired. We'll fire him later.

I'll fire him. You can't fire him now. In front of his daughter. Yeah. It's like, what's that? You understand what that means? Yeah. You better not fire me. Is that how you got away with not being fired for like three years? Yeah.

Yep. The cockroach. Just quickly, I just want to throw in my parent. Your personal parent? Personal parent. Really quickly, if I may, if that's okay. If that's allowed. Do we have time?

If you're a co-host on this podcast, you do whatever you like. Polystyrene. Polystyrene? Is that right? Polystyrene. I stand by it. All right. What is it?

I don't know what polystyrene is. Polystyrene is a versatile plastic that can be found in both solid and foamed forms. Oh yes. Polystyrene. Oh yeah. Styrofoam. Polystyrofoam. Mate, fuck that. The kids love that stuff. Oh, it gets everywhere too. And it's a nightmare. Because it's hard to vacuum up and brush because when the little balls get separated, like the moment you like move anywhere that like a bit of air movement, it's impossible to capture. It is impossible. It's like a snow globe, right? And it's just like the slightest movement. It's like, so you're sweeping it, it counterproducts and flings back.

And flies, cause it's so light, it flies everywhere. And then also I wasn't like putting it in the bin. This is the biggest ick. I was literally like if Ash was watching me right now, he would be so disgusted. A little chunk had like fallen out of the dustpan and onto the floor and a gust of wind came. And I was like, I did the bent over run. So I was like almost getting it.

And I was like, this is a fucking joke. I chased it for like three meters. Because you don't want to be the bad guys littering. I know. I was like. And then you try and do it with your foot. I tried to. Oh man.

It's so bad. Like chasing a plastic bag in the wind is so embarrassing. I had a similar thing the other day with a Musely Bar rapper with the kids in public. And I was like, I saw it come out and I watched it slowly float to the ground. And I was like, I should, I should do something here. I should do something before the wind gets up. And then when I went to do something, the wind was like, oh, it's trying to get it.

And I'm like, legging it. And there's all these mums watching me. You're like, oh, gross man., oh. Look at that gross man. That's a vasectomy right there. We are close to wrapping up, Ash. Yep. But I did get a lot of parent wins. But I'm not going to do it.

I'm going to do it next week. I promise I won't do it. Next week. Next week. So if you submitted your parent win and it's not being read out, it's not because I don't think it's great. I love them all.

It's not what you said before. It's just Ash has a tight schedule and he's very strict in how he runs his podcast. Yeah, I'm very safe. If I veer off the plan, he'll beat me. You have to taste your own medicine, I think. All right. I'll go first. Please.

Things parents- Ash, can you explain to the listener what the question segment is? Let's not make this sour. Come on, let's go. Let's get through this, right? This is what he's like. This is what I have to deal with every day. This is a segment. Why are you taking your pants off? Let's just win.

This segment, this is how it works. People sending questions. I read the question. We answer the question. Good. You're not lost, Oscar? Oscar would be like, flash the toilet. Put the toilet seat down.

First you said put it up. Now you're saying put it down. Which one is it? Both. Genius. Anyway, moving on. Matt. Matt. Yeah.

Things parents would never say. Love this. So it's either they would never say to another parent or they would never say to their kids. Like you would, yeah. What do you got? What do you got for me? Okay. Go.

Give me one. Oh no, that's all right. You take your time putting your shoes on. I've got nowhere to be. I got all the time in the world. That's all right. Now you tie your shoelaces. Yeah. I'll wait here. I've got one that's like, no, we're going to the park for me. I always whip that out with Oscar. I'm like, he's like, oh, just dragging his heels to get, I'm like, we are literally leaving the house for you, dickhead.

Me and April, we would just sit here and in our underpants and just watch TV all day. Literally. I don't want to be here. I don't want to go to the park, but for some reason they think that we're gone because we want to go. What else you got? I got it. Oh, great. I'd love to listen to Hop Little Bunnies, Hop Hop Hop for the whole car ride.

It's my favorite. I love this song. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, just like a... Hop little bunnies, hop hop hop, hop little bunnies, hop hop hop. Of course I'd love to play that song again. I go on here, which is, yeah, I love it when... Of course I'd love to play that song again.

Uh, I go on here, which is, yeah, I love it when, yeah, I love it when you give me no personal space, which I'm fine. It's April really, which is like, Oh, I'd love a cuddle. I can't, yeah. Come around to the lounge room and they both kids are sitting on her. She's like, fuck's sake. What else you got? Okay, last one.

Well, if you don't feel like having a nap today, we can just skip it all together. Big mistake. Fuck. There is nothing more heartbreaking when you're a parent and they skip, start skipping their naps. I miss the nap. I miss Macy's naps so much. That little midday break. I miss it. I want it back so bad. Just force them into it. Yeah. Well at the moment she's in the car and she'll be like, can I have a little sleep daddy? And I'm like, absolutely. Yeah, me too.

My last one I've got here is, yeah Oscar, I love it when you wear your socks outside. Yeah, Oscar, I love it when you wear your socks outside. Why do they like wearing their socks? The bottom of the sock is like brown. Torn to shreds. The other day he went out to the front. It had just rained. And I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. It was already a bit muddy.

And then he stepped in dog shit on the sock. And I just folded the sock inside out and threw it straight in the bin. I was like, that's it. I'm not, that's it. I'm not, that's, that sock's done for. Why do they like wearing socks outside? It's funny. I think it's generational cause I used to do that.

My mum fucking hated it. Why would you do it? The same reason Oscar does it. Which is? We're dumb. All right. Question here, Ash, before we go. What age do you think it's a, it press from the Facebook group, by the way?

Oh, the group as a whole or? An individual on the Facebook group, ask the question. From Shannon, in fact. It reads. What age? It's like if you're like reading it out like you're a politician and it reads or a newsreader. I'm just on a dramatiser. Okay, cool.

I'm doing it for the listeners. This is entertainment. People listening? What's used to be. What age do you think it is appropriate for a child to have a TV in their bedroom? Would love to hear your pros and cons. I feel like you would have been a kid who had a TV in their bedroom. You're one of those.

Yeah. Look, I had a TV in my bedroom. I knew it. Let me tell you about this TV. So my dad used to be a medical rep. Okay. Is it cell Viagra? He did sell Viagra for a while there.

I used to sell it at schools. I was a crafty young man. there. I used to sell it at schools. I was a crafty young man. And what they used to do is they used to have in the doctor's offices back in the day was like a look like a microwave show, but it was just a VHS. And that's it. So I had one of those in my room that was connected to a PlayStation, but it wasn't TV. I was a bit older. I honestly, I at the moment, hate TV. Spit it out son.

Hate TVs in bedrooms. Hate them. Why? So April, she's like, I can't wait to have a TV in the bedroom again. You had one in your old house, didn't you? Yeah, but it wasn't for me. It was for, it was for April. I hate it.

I can't stand it. I'm not, like, TV is for the- TV room. I'm sorry. This is why we don't give advice. But if people sniff out that part, this is why white people don't need- What?

White people? What's that? White men don't need podcasts. No, exactly. Right. Put some really insightful music behind this. TVs are for the TV room. I get it, bro. I get it. I agree. Yeah. Go on a hooker walk. Anyway, I look, I don't think, I just have to jump it when we get, I mean, the pros are I could shut the door and they just leave me alone in there.

I was like, and they say kids, but then I'd forget about them. I feel like it's, it's, it's isolating. It is isolate. I feel well said. And I know I said this in the Facebook group, but I'm just going to reiterate my thoughts here on the podcast. I feel like by the time our kids are teenagers, like they will watch everything on their phone. Oh yeah. And so, you know, TV,

are you saying TV is going to be obsolete? Oh my God. Are you? Maybe you're on something. Write that down. So I'm sure they'll be in their room, just like scrolling on their phone. And I'd be like, come on kids, come and watch TV with me in the living room. They'd be like, shut up, dad, you fucking loser. And I'd be like, love me. It come and watch TV with me in the living room. They'd be like, shut up, dad, you fucking loser. And I'd be like, love me. It's like TV, how fucking old are you? They don't even make those anymore. You're like, what about listening to my Discman? I, well, here we go.

Let me flip the question a little bit for you. At what age do you think that your kids will be allowed to have a phone, like a proper phone? Shit! Okay. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Now we're in the future.

Well, what my sister has done, which I quite like, she has given their kids a phone, right? Which is like an old Nokia. So no internet. It's just as a phone that you, if you need, so if they come like home from school, right. Cause the eldest is like grade three. So he walks home from school. It's just around the corner. And so if he gets home and needs to call someone, cause they don't have like, no one's got home phones anymore. Oh yeah. So if he needs to, if there's an emergency, there's like a Nokia phone there. And cause you charge

it once and it lasts for a month. Yeah. Yeah. And so they, they know they can call. Is it a 3310 or something? Yeah. They called me actually one time. I was like, who is this? Yeah. It's like really crackly.

Send help. Over. I've got a 3310 at home that I found at Nan's house. What about, actually. Hang on. Wait, how old were you when you, when you first got a phone? I home that I found at Nan's house. What about... Hang on. Wait. How old were you when you first got a phone? I think I was 13. Yeah.

But it was a different time though. It was a different time. It was a different time back then. No internet. No internet. Yeah and it was like... Like now phones are fucking everywhere. Like I've got a drawer full of phones at home.

Like of old shitty... Drug dealer? I shouldn't have said that. Burner phones? Just dug myself in. Yeah. You can actually... My kids are allowed burner phones only. Burn a phone. I just dug myself in. Yeah. You can actually, my kids are allowed burner phones only.

And if you want to buy a Viagra from Ash. Literally. 50 bucks for a sample pack. I'm not joking. Anyway. But yeah, that's actually not a bad idea. All right. So I think maybe I want to give them like a,

like around 13, 14, I want to give them a phone that has like call and text only. Like not even a camera on it. I don't want to say anything because it's that old thing where it's like, I said I'd never do that and then I do it. I don't want to have to look back. I'll look at Oscar next week and he's like, hey dude, what's going on? He's got two phones.

Yeah. Oh, he's got two iPhones. Yeah. But anyway, I think the TV in the bedroom should be ruled out for kids because it is isolating. That's what I think. I agree with you. For now. Well, well, it's good to be back.

Well, well, well, it's good for the kids to be back at school. It's great for, sorry. Well, yeah. Gone. No, no, no. I was just finishing that sentence. Yeah. I was just going to say, it's nice to have a break.

Us. Have a break. I didn't like it. You called me every fucking day. Did not. You did? Guilty. Anyway, yes, it's good to have a break from you.

Jess. Uh, and what else we got? Nothing? Just like, I love how you just attacked Jess. Jess has been sick. Ah, this is easy. And you, Jess. And you, Jess.

And you. Matt, that is all we have time for on this very pleasant I love how you just attacked Jess. Jess has been sick. This is easy. And you, Jess. And you. Matt, that is all we have time for on this very pleasant episode of Two Doning Dads. And if you have enjoyed this episode and thought it was pleasant as well, you can leave a review. Leave in the comments,

that was a pleasant episode. I enjoyed it. And give us some stars, maybe five. Someone in the Facebook group said, I can only give a four star review, not a five star. And Spotify won't let us submit when it's five stars. And I think we're being sabotaged. Is this for real?

Yeah, dude. Yeah, go in there. And if I go and try and live a review, a five star. Well, actually someone then writes, probably because you've already given a review of 5 Star so you can't resubmit the 5 Star review, you can only change your review. Oh, so they're doubling down. Yeah, I dunno.

Anyway, leave a review. I don't wanna make you panic. I'm panicked! I know, sorry. Leave a review and subscribe! And follow us on social media. Two Dating Dads, Instagram, TikTok and Facebook. Great.

Join the conversation, that's all I say. And we'll see you guys next week. Goodbye! Okay, see ya, bye! Bye! and Facebook. Great. Join the conversation, that's all I say. And we'll see you guys next week. Goodbye. Okay, see ya. Bye. Bye. I'm listening. Don't worry about me, bro.

I'm in the moment. No, no. After you guys are in. I'm in the moment. Can you shut up for a sec? Can you shut up for a sec, Jess? We're trying to get through this podcast. Apparently, I'm in a funny mood.

I'm in a mean mood. I'm a bully. Anything else you want to throw at me today, guys? You're an asshole. Thank you. Anyway, I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. We're trying to get through this podcast. Apparently I'm in a funny mood. I'm in a mean mood. I'm a bully. Anything else you want to throw at me today, guys?

You're an asshole. Thank you. Anyway. To Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.