Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #162 My Wife's Biggest Deal-Breaker

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

Ash has made another grand purchase this week (must be nice!), and it's taken him many years to get to this point.  He also took Oscar and Macy to a Manly Sea Eagles game, and let's just say it was a new experience for his little girl.  The Johnson's nip up to Cairns to enjoy a last-minute holiday as a family of four before it becomes five! The kids, of course, relished every moment (not).  We also answer your questions:  Is it okay to dislike your friend's kid? What is the most unhinged thing that’s happened to you as a parent? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You've been fucking walking around playing the ukulele whilst we've been figuring out how to set up this record to work on YouTube. Whoa, you need to relax. You may call it hours wasted, but we have made a huge breakthrough on this podcast. We are now in brand new territory, potentially, don't quote me on this, on YouTube. Don't quote me on this just in case it doesn't work out. I'm panicking right now. Panic away.

It wasn't a dig-at-you at all. We've changed the formula. We're recording in landscape. Not sure if you can tell. This is recorded in landscape. Yeah, the mics are different. No, I was just saying that we are all productive. Wasn't a jab at you?

Well, let me do the intro, we'll get rolling. Okay. Welcome back to Two-Dotting Dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast, all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable.

And if you come for advice, it's not happening. Get over it. Well said. Sorry. Get over it. You yelled at me, turned the yelling into the list. I can tell. I can tell.

I'm not sure if it's your medication. You want to get the show on the road. You're ready. I'm raring. You primed. Before it wears out. Quick. It's like,

Watching someone try and put on a condom and not lose their erection and get into it. I never lose an erection. Yeah, that's a lie. Well, here we are. We've got a really big. It's big. It's a big show this one. Good.

Keep going. Guys, we've got a big show. Big, big show. Let's start it off big. I've made another purchase. After last week. No, you skipped ahead. we've got housekeeping.

Oh, fuck, yes, sir. You fucking idiot. Sorry, we'll come back to that. Jesus, Christ. Sorry, I completely forgot. Yes, we do. Big show. Matt.

No, I don't want to, we'll go housekeeping first. Yeah, housekeeping. Because that's what we agreed on before we recorded. Okay, I've got, I'm with you. I'm not sure if you were. Now you're just wasting time. No, what, I'm just trying to get this, like, we have a schedule. I'll start.

You go. Big show. Off the back of a story you told last week, A hit and run story, some may say it. May he call it? The babysitter. Laura's been fucking nervous because... Hit and run gate.

We didn't say who it was, the name of the babysitter. Obviously, the babysitter, she knows who she is. You know who you are. She, Laura, I don't know if this is true. Because Laura maybe change a few little details about the story. Not like it in embellish it, but just how we referenced her and the babysitter. It's just so that she don't, yeah. And Laura's like, I still speak to her.

And I was like, do you? people make mistakes though yeah she like she can't expect to not have some repercussions of her actions okay she's probably got her punishment

she thought she got away with it yeah oh my god thank goodness it managed to be deported wait she's not she's not from different country I didn't know that yeah so there has been some

follow up people want to know so I'll just run them through you quick borderfalls it's border force so they want to know where's you're from

the first question is pretty straightforward Where did you find her? Good question. And did she lie about her experience? Did she know who you are? Because I feel like, as bad as it is, it's iconic for her. It'd be a good icebreaker if you're meeting a new group of friends. You're like, yeah.

Tell us something interesting about you one time. Like, someone was like, ah. Well, it wasn't even my car. There's more questions here. Can I answer them first? Are you going to keep asking? Oh, you sort of answered that one, but whatever. But where did you find her?

Thank you. Okay. Fucking all. Facebook. I think. I think. I think it was Facebook. I can't remember.

We were searching everywhere. Far and wide. Except I did, I did decide not to use an agency because the rates were too high. Wow. So I opted not for the agency and I went rogue. I did it myself on Facebook through like one of those like find a murderer.com or something like. Find a criminal. very good

we also got here have you heard anything after have you heard from her after like at all I know you said Laura reckon she still speaks to her I don't know like do we believe Laura probably not

like I don't know if they're still speaking I'm not sure apparently she's fine no other families have been hurt so far as we know that we know of and then someone was like was there seriously no witness

imagine if the Daily Mail got a hold of it. They were witnesses. I want to say 20 people. No, 10. She ran them down as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People.

I don't know if people, it all happens so quick. I'm not sure if... That's what everyone says in an accident. Well, luckily, it all happened quick enough that no one was able to take any kind of video evidence, you know, of me then panicking with the kids crying in the background. I wonder if there's any CCTV footage around there. No, I don't think there is along that route of the... Bond out of warranty. I fucking hope not.

Don't tell me where it is. I'm innocent here. I'm a victim. You are. Yes. Anyway, I have some housekeeping for you, Ash. Oh my God. Jess has just raised a very good point here.

Yeah, actually. I will raise this with Laura. Don't you worry? The fact that Laura follows our babysitter. The murderer. The attempted murderer. And doesn't follow producer Jess. Oh.

Oh! Sorry? I said Laura a message the other day. Oh, it says seen. Seen and no response. We'll keep you updated on that one. This is just a little, I want to say, how do you say this?

What do you call when you're giving someone like? Felacio. It's community service. Community announcement? Fuck, I don't know. PSA. PSA. Public service announcement.

That's why you're here with me to help me along on my journey to learn how to talk. From Heather. Hi, Heather. It's about you. We talked about deworming. Oh, what have I done?

Not you. It was just more of a like... Before you get into that, wormed my kids on the weekend. Did you? Yeah, Macy had it itchy butt. Yeah. Chocolate, the chocolate warming?

It was, oh, I forgot. It was a chocolate one, but it was different. Because you tried it. Yeah, it was lovely, remember about it? But this was a, it was like a chocolate dissolvable tablet. But even Macy, like the day, after she's like, my butt's still itchy. Because she wanted an other one. So it must have been good.

Oh, she was. Yeah. So anyway, she had worms. I love that. Well done. Because if you don't worm, this is what can happen. Oh, no. My daughter had to get her appendix out because of worms.

We didn't realize she had worms. No symptoms. Doctor told us, doctor told us we should worm. Doctor, sorry. Doctors told us that we should worm. Sorry. Doctor told us that people should worm their kids every six months or every school holidays.

This information is not being passed on. It's not. It's not. This needs to be fucking more public. Yeah. We should start a campaign. There needs to be like ads on TV or like. Wormy kids are they lose their appendix? Why is no one talking about this?

I wonder what else you can lose from worms. Like who knows? Do they eat? What are they eating in there? I don't know, Ash. What are you doing in there? Get out. They think she picked them up from the bunnies.

they have at school. I one time got ringworm from a bunny. Where was it? It was right there on my face. No, no, where was the bunny? Where was the bunny? Oh, my girlfriend at the time had one. Oh, that's a pick.

Yeah, I know. She was really hot, so that's fun. I was only a teenager, so that's fine. Let me tell you, after the horrible appendix removal and recovery, I square of bumworm chocolate. Oh, she's lost the ability to talk as well on this message. Thanks, Bluey. Every holidays is a walk in the park.

I'm not sure. I lost her at the end here. Maybe Bluey has a worming tablet. I've got you. Because it would actually line up really well for marketing. Dogs. Worms. Worms.

Boom. Kids. Get it. Great. Sorry about the appendix. Heather. Jesus Christ. I mean, it's an appendix.

Doesn't everyone get there at some point? It would be, I remember, I think this could be about Laura. Don't quote me about this. I think she said she had a stomachache. and her mum was like, you'll be fine. Maybe she should take this out of the podcast. And I think she had to get rushed to hospital

to have her appendix out. I'm pretty sure. It does happen. I would call Laura, but she's recording. We'll also come back to him. There's so much housekeeping. So much to do. We never housekeep.

I know. That's why there's so much. I always say, let it build up. Don't stay on it. Don't consistently do a little bit. If we're not housekeeping, This is on you to tell us. You got to remind us.

Are you talking to me or that? I don't know. You, all the worms. You have big news. The biggest news. It's a milestone in my life. And I'm proud. I'm just like, I didn't think it's going to happen.

I know. I was like maybe in six months. We've been touring for years about how you've been at me to get in the property market. Yeah. You know, because you've got to diversify. portfolio. You, you're so close now. I'm so close.

Am I better than everyone? Yes. I have purchased a property. We're not on a property. What do I call it? A house? Call it a property, dude. It's a unit.

It's essentially a unit. I want to downplay it. It's a mansion. I'm calling it the penthouse. It's on, it's the top level. Mm-hmm. Love a two story. But it is the penthouse.

And my kids now have, a house or somewhere to live. Now, just, I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that this all happened so quick. One second, you told me I have pre-approval, okay? Yeah. And you've said this to me before. And then you just, you teased me. I just let it out, yeah.

And then you let it expire. And then you let it expire. And then this time around, you have pre-approval. Next minute, you're like, you know, I'm pretty good. Manly didn't win, but I bought a property. I was like, what? Yeah. Never let them know your next move, I say.

found it. So, look, last time we started house hunting is when I had a real job, remember, and then eventually I got made redundant. It's kind of like a blessing in disguise, really, because I wasn't really worked anyway. We were just doing this. If they were listening, yes, I was. Anyway, so we got pre-approval then, but it was for not a lot. We weren't going to get a lot from money, but we wanted to get in as you're trying to do. We waited two more years. Oscar has lived in six houses, and he's six. It must be. pretty normal for him then to move house. Yeah, and we don't want that.

That's what we're like, we want to stop it now. You want the memories? Yeah, we want, we don't, the anxiety around moving and we, every time I've moved, which I've moved like four times of being on this podcast, every time I move, we talk about how fucking painful it is.

That's the worst. And that's just us talking about how painful it is. It is actually that fucking painful and everyone knows that. So I think like it was getting to the point where April was the anxiety of thinking about moving, moving again, not for a long time was really getting to her. And you could tell that it was making it quite emotional. Yeah.

Because it can't be good for Oscar to be boom, boom, boom. So we were like, what, D.Y. Poppers, two places in Worrywood, poppers again. That's right. You're a poppers for a while. Yeah. Twice. Yeah. Yeah.

And like, yeah, so we decided to do something about it. We waited two years since being married redundant. So we've been doing this for two years. Can I just, and I mean, I'm not trying to be funny here. Mm-hmm. From when you, because I know it was a big question mark of like, do I throw in the nine to five, do I do this stuff, make content, make people laugh, entertain full time. And I was like, do it, man, do it. And look at you. Look at you now. I know. It was funny. Like when I tell people this in other podcasts that I do, I. What? No, like when I'm a guest. Sorry. I'm not about my other parenting podcast. No, I've got this secret life you don't know about it. I've just hidden everything from your online. I know. Other podcasts I've been a guest on, and people ask me how all this started, right? And, look, honestly, I think it's a very good story.

It's a beautiful story. It's beautiful, some would say. And, like, I made my first video with 220 followers. Like, and into the reality of that. And Pete put it really, Pete from the cafe, shout out to Pete. He got me all in the fields the other day because he found out because the agent is a frequent visitor of the cafe. And you know what these Italians are like. They can't shout up.

I don't know what they like Ash. You can, that's not a racist is it? No, for the record, I love Italians, beautiful food. Don't get me wrong. They like to talk. I just say, they love to gossip. Yeah, yeah. Loudly.

Now I'm getting a little bit racist. Sorry. Fuck. Sorry. All right, let's start again. No. And he said to me, he rang me up and he was like, I didn't know that he knew. He rang me up and he said, I just want to ring you up to say, I'm proud of you.

I said, why? He goes, 15 years ago, you moved to Sydney, back to Sydney, on your own with nothing. with nothing. I had a bag and I lived on their computer room floor for six months. I had to watch

them play PlayStation of all hours of the night trying to sleep. I had to wake up to their old man naked most of the time. I was quite often

ushered out of my own bedroom just at random hours of the day. I had three jobs. What were you doing at the time? I worked two Italian restaurants. That's why I know

so much about Italians. And, And what else I did? And I was worked at Target. Fuck, I've had a lot of jobs. Anyway, but he was like, now I look at you. And it was like, fuck, you're right, bro. Like, I never ever, I never ever pump myself up like that.

But yeah, like from that point to now. Crazy. It's the crazy amount of jobs I've had. But then this one was the one that it was like, I remember April saying to me for a long time because I used to, you know, someone with ADHD, working. You get bored of things so fucking easily. I'm waiting for the

tap in the shoulder and you're like, pretty bored of this day. We should do porn. Anyway, I was like, I'd always winging complain about what I was doing. Not like that I just wasn't enjoying it. Nothing stimulated me enough. Sorry. We're trying to be serious.

Simulated. And yeah, April's always like, well, find something that you love and you won't work a day in your life. And here I am. So, chase your dream. dreams, kids. Remember that. Remember that.

Right? This down. We're giving advice. But yeah, I bought a place. We're moving in in a few weeks. This is going to sound weird. Yeah. But when you walked in, you saw the place, the first inspection.

Were you hit with that feeling of? You know, you know? Yeah. Did you? So I'd only looked at two other places. And you didn't get the feels? No, it wasn't like. Look, I was pretty easy with it.

It's April. It needs to be perfect for her. And I said to her, look, I'm not going to come to a million inspections for you to point out the little things that can be fixed and not like that place because that's already in your mind. And that's how my wife is. If she doesn't have that feeling, like straight away, or there's something that she can't get out of it, here's one for you.

Go on. So we live in this. She's going to hate me for this. Perfect. This is going to be great. Fuck. Anyway, it is silly. It's silly.

So when we were at the last place and we had the whole. ordeal. I might have even told this story. We had the whole ordeal of being kicked out because I complained about something wasn't safe. Anyway, there's laws now in place. I missed the laws because they just put me in place that would have protected us from that. But we had to move out really hastily. You're a pioneer. I am. Some would call me a pioneer. I would. You did. Anyway, so we had to hastily move two kids

under five out of this house. Where are we going to live? I don't know. We had to go back to Poppers for a bit. And then eventually our friends were like, we're moving. because do you want to rent our place out just and it was really flexible and when you find something down the track then you can just let us know and it was the perfect situation granted really old fucking house whatever was nice to have a big house for a while um but we went and had look at it because april had never been there i'd been there before and we left after looking at it and i was like look it's cheaper than anything that's out there because they're friends it's

there's no bond it's perfect there's an agreement in place yeah but all good and april goes I don't know. I was like, why? She's like, oh, you're going to laugh. But they had a shower curtain. And I was like, I saw red. I was like, I'm pulling rank. I'm pulling rank on this one.

I'm only allowed to pull rank once in my life. And this is it. I'm like, we are not knocking this down because of a shower curtain. To be fair, I can't like, because they stick to you. And I'd like that about it. Not that sticks to me. I like it about that when I finish my shower I fling it so hard

like a Broadway curtain and it slams onto the wall and it's stuck there. I'm like huh! Here I am! With all this steam? Showtime! But I was like to Abel, we can replace it. It's just like, oh, can you?

I was like, yes. But then I told my friend who told the people who own the play, the story, and we're on the phone loudspeaker, April didn't know I had told anybody. And the last thing they said to us on the loudspeaker was, let April know that we replaced the shower curtain.

And she was like, what did you do? And I was like, oh, fuck. Sorry. Anyway, I said to April, I'm not going through that again. The places that you would be 100% on, then I'll come to those ones, the second inspection. I'll watch the kids while you go, do it, whatever. and then we saw this place

through an agent we knew and we went down and saw it and I just said to Abel and make it an offer because it was everything we needed there was like nothing really It's great, it's so good I was like I was rattled And my mum was over the other day

And she was like if this goes through This is going to have to be One of the easiest house purchases of all time Don't say that Why? Don't say that because she's just trying to jinx it Yeah but I was like What could possibly go wrong?

This is so perfect Yeah and then we get a call from from the broker, all everything's approved, ready to go. Just got to move in now. I'm like, fuck, what? Sometimes, Ash, good things happen to good people. I know. I don't know how happened to me, though.

Anyway, excited, everyone's excited. Hey, maybe. Woo! Yes. There is. I am finally an adult. Welcome to the world of never-ending doubt. I've had a good couple years, though, so I can make, I can maybe get through it, I think.

So when do you move in? How long? In September, in September. So we'll do a record from there. Yeah, great, can't wait. We'll also play simulator. What are you going to do with a skate ramp? Very good question.

I don't think it's going to fit in the living room. Well, is it like a communal garden that you can move in? You're a classic ADHD move. I really want a skate ramp as soon as I got it. What do I do with it? Would you pay for that ramp? It's like a thousand bucks. Yeah.

I've got a few people that want it, so I just leave it there. Easy come, easy go. My news is nowhere near as exciting as yours. Oh, later. You would have seen Ash that I was in North Queensland? Another trip. Yep. Well, look, I was down south.

Down south. And then you were up north. And then I was up north. I'm just... Where aren't you? I'm just spreading the web of Maddie J. Ew. All across this country.

Yeah. It was great. It was great. Except, look, when we were the flight from city to Cairns, for anyone who doesn't know, I'll tell you, Ash. It's three hours and 15 minutes. Immediately no. No, it's too far for a domestic flight

It's long, it's long It's not barley though That's like six hours Yeah, I'd much rather go the extra two and a half I'm no mathematician But it's half of that almost Yeah, yeah, nearly Almost 60%

And I was like, do you know what The kids actually love it They don't get a lot of iPad time But on the planes, we allow it You guys are very good at not giving screen time We scaled it back Yeah, big time We got into a phase where we were like

Every, the kids would wake up at 4 in the morning To be like, what's the screen? Yeah, I know It was like, fucked. I think every parent's got to go through that. You got to go. The pendulum must have to swing both ways. Yes, absolutely.

Thank you. That's it. And Laura then goes, and I don't want to put this on Laura. Yeah, go on. Okay, fine. Laura goes, I don't think we should bring the iPads. Oh. I know.

I was like, I was like, the hairs on my neck just stood up. I was like, but why? What for? It's the best part. The kids sit there. Like, I've done it before where, like, I've had a nap on the plane. And I've working up. The kids are still watching the iPad locked in.

If I'm desperate for a nap at home, I just give them the iPads and sleep next to them. It's great. It's so good. It's the best. So I was like, why we've got such a good thing going? Why would you want to ruin that? But she was like, no, like the kids, they actually, not all the time, but off the back of the plane trip, the whole, the next three days, the kids are like, where's the iPad? And you're like, enjoy the fucking holiday.

We're not going to go home and watch the iPad. I don't swear my kids, by the way, if anyone listening. Well, you should. So I was like, okay, fine. No, my pads. I was like, what are we going to do? Okay, I was like,

look out the window. Brought some coloring in pencils and... That's two seconds of. I know. But, Marley's into Lego a little bit. And so I was like, I was like, we could do some Lego. And I, fucking Lego's pretty good.

Bro, me and Oscar are frothin on the Lego. I've got... You've got it? What did she make? I've just fucking broken it. Oh, no. Hang on one second. I showed you, while you've fixing that,

I've showed you Oscar's Lego collection, haven't I? Yeah. Very impressive. Put that up on two-eating dads, bro. That's private. So Marley was into this, and then there was always...

I don't know if you have it with Oscar, but then there was a turning point where, like, this took almost the entire flight to build this thing. And Marley was like, it started off, where Marley would have the instructions and I would give her the pieces required, right?

And then some parts were harder than others so then I would help her out. And then Marley was like, I'm getting pretty tired. You're an 8 o'clock flight, so we're up pretty early. Wow. So Marley was having a nap and I was still there. Doing it. Working away.

And I tell you what, it's risky doing Lego on a plane because if you drop a bit, that's gone. That's it. The little cup holder in the tray, I had it in there. But then, like, stressful. Container. Take a container. I should have had a container. Thank you. That's right. Where we got for me?

This is what I mean. Oh my God. Yeah. What is that? I can't be sure what it is called. That's not a Pokemon, is it? No, it's not. Is it a Minecraft thing?

No, it's a dinosaur. Okay, that's clever. It is wild what they get missing something. It's wild. Oh, shit. That's right. We'll find it. It's wild what they can do with Lego now.

Right. It's, there's, AI, has got to be making those things, right? Here's a fun fact. Lego have actually lost the patent for Lego. Yeah, that's... To who? To whom? So, no, to no one.

So, like, have you not noticed now, if you go to the shop that Kammat have their own generic Lego that fits with this Lego? I was like, how have they got a stranglehold on this product? Yeah, they had it for, they just lost it because now Mattel, who do Hot Wheels and stuff. You went deep in the Lego game. Yeah, well. you know, I'm a veteran. But yeah, mate, Lego, this is good.

This is good gear. But the issue was, we landed, Marley kind of woke up from a nap. And it was like, can I play with it? And I was like, no. Yeah, that's, yeah. Because she played with it and she broke it. And I was like, you're fucking ruining my work.

I was like, get it back. Think about like. She like, because she, it comes apart. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And it does. But it's so hard to try and explain to the kids that Lego, the playing bit is the building it.

the not playing bit is the rest of it is meant to be like kept like nicely like that that's trying to explain that to them they're like that's my only quam is that it's epic but it's like I need to glue it together so it doesn't break so what my mum did with Oscar when we were on the remember we did the cruises last year how could I forget thank you

and what she mum would do she buy Lego and a container right and so they would she would build it with Oscar, and then pack it down and keep it in the thing. So next time they can redo it. Do it. Yeah. Mrs.

Wicks, not just a pretty face. I know. And it's like, Oh, found the piece. There it is. We're complete.

We're whole. But, yeah, that goes good, good gear. But yeah, they do get, Oscar gets so frustrated because he's a perfectionist.

I don't know. When it breaks. Oh, man. Like, Marley was walking it through the air terminal. Air terminal? The plane terminal. The airport.

talking is hard today. And I look over and she's there melting down because she's like, it's falling apart, like melting in her hands. And I was like, just bitch, I jump with it. Give me back to psychosaurus. Blood, sweat and tears. But also they don't realize that you just rebuild it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If anyone wondering, I'll put a photo on social media. You can admire my work, Marley's work. But there's something happened on the plane as well, which I've never seen in person before. Okay, go. Is it called, what's it called on the plane when you sit there? You remember Puddy from Seinfeld on the plane? Raw dog. Raw dog and.

Raw doggen. Okay. David Puddy. What a character. Just saying. For anyone who doesn't know the scene from Seinfeld, it's where you just, he sits there. He doesn't eat anything. He doesn't watch anything.

He just stares at the seat in front of him. But it causes an argument with Elaine. Elaine's like, what are you doing? Do something, you freak! And I was like, that never happens. Until you've seen it in the wild. So the way that we will see. sitting. It was in the one row. Window was Lola, Laura, and old man. Then it was me on the aisle

and Marley. Okay. So he had a buffer. A human buffer. This old man must have been about 70. Okay. He got on the plane. He sat there and he just didn't move. He just stared at the seat in front. And also because, you know, we were handing over some snacks and some coloring impans. Of course his face. And so I'm there going, sorry, mate. Apologies and then going, in front of him, he just, I was like, is he dead? Yeah, is he? Was he? I think he was. Hell, he didn't get off the way. He didn't move a muscle. The ladies came twice, twice, Ash, on the flight to offer some refreshments.

You have a free teal coffee, a free water. Free. He didn't even react. He just sat there. What the fuck? I know. And he's not like he's chasing clout because he's, what's he just doing on his own court? He was by himself. What do you think he was doing?

I have no. I reckon he was reflecting. He had some demons. Yeah, I reckon he was reflecting on something. There's a lot of pain behind those eyes. Wow. But then we got to Cairns, got to Cairns, and it was great. Very good.

30 degrees this time of year. I'm still rattled with the guy Raw Dogg. I know, sorry. That is fucking wild. It's wired. I'd go to bed at nighttime when we're up there going like, wonder what he's doing now. Like, does he eat?

I don't know. Did he sleep or anything? Unless I missed it. Like a micro now. Did he have a toilet? No. Great bladder. an old boy.

Wow. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I don't know how people do that, man. If I stare at a back of the seat for more than one second, I want to jump out of whatever I'm in. We're about to like, that generation of raw doggers, they're dying out. He's the last one.

You saw one of the last one of the doggers. What an honor. What an absolute honor. It was, yeah, like a bird watcher who's like, oh, the blue crescent eagle. A little book. Yeah. 70-year-old Caucasian

Raw-Dorn on a flight to Cairns. Very good. Very good. I forgot to Cairns and it was great. Look, there were things that the kids loved, mainly just a big lagoon. Yeah, what's the deal with this big... What's the deal with this big... Every time I say, what's the deal now?

My whole brain goes, what's the deal? Seinfeld's getting a good run and said. I don't know, yeah. What is the go with this? It's just a big lagoon. Okay. Essentially. Man-made?

Man-mate. Man-mate. Chlorine? Very chlorine. For someone messaging me I was like I once saw children bathing in that thing And I was like fine

Technically anyone that's in there Is bathing in that thing I was like with soap They didn't write back But yeah I'm like Too many questions It's you know

It's big It's massive Like I don't know how many leaders But we're talking thousands Are we talking like It's the town public pool Is that what that's meant to be Yeah

I've never been Do you know what I've never been Three and a half hours on a flight You're missing out Yeah Wow That was a kid's favourite So pretty much

The moment we walk past that lagoon and the kids got to look at it. They were just like, I don't care what we do as long as we're in the lagoon. And they were like, we arrive kind of late. The kids are like, can we go on now? It's like, absolute not. We're going to dinner. Get the fuck out of the lagoon.

And then the next day, they're like, can we go on the lagoon then? And I was like, no, we've got the rainforest tour. Oh, God. And then I loved it. The rainforest tour. I love a tour. I love a guide. Really?

I love it. I can't stand it. Just put the hands behind the back and then. You would. Like, oh. Like you're feeding the ducks or something. I was learning about the oldest living rainforest in the world, Ash. Was the raw doggar there?

It's just like. But we had Ranger Tim and Ranger Tim was an indigenous man. He's from the area. I was learning about his culture. It was beautiful. And Lola looks at him and goes, this is boring. When are we going in the lagoon? And I was like, Tim, I am so sorry.

Kids are ruthless, I am so sorry for Lola. Please continue about the fern. They don't have time for nothing, these kids. Dude, like, two minutes in. And I was like, got another hour and a half of this. Oh, my God. It's like, remember I took my kids to that village in Vanuatu. And they were like, and they literally, like, grow and make their own food.

They got no electricity. Incredible. Incredible. What an experience. And Macy was like, where are the Oreos? I'm your fuck sake, Macy. They're just ruthless kids. No.

They don't, at that age, they haven't grown that part of the brain, which that has consequent. No. It's like, oh, you're boring. They're like, everyone's like, what? I think Tim took it well. He's probably had it before. Ranger Tim.

He's probably had it full. I hope so. What were the rest of the Cairns locals like? They're all great. They're all great. Actually, there's like heaps of Brits there because. It's a big backpacker places, isn't it? Big on the backpackers.

Damn, I heard the night life's. pretty do you. People were really friendly. I thought I was being robbed at one point because I was crossing the road with the kids and you know, the fucking kids are dilly-dowing and I'm like, hold my hand across the road. And then this guy comes up and he's like, you got to be careful. I don't know what,

you're doing it. You've got to be careful. I was like, what accent was that? And I was like, okay. And he goes, the lights here they go from green to red really quickly. He's like, let me help you. And I thought I was going to get mugged. I was like, so he was going to just kidnap your kid. Yeah. And he was just helping

the family across the road. Where? Have we witnessed the last raw doggers and the last helpful people? It's going on. It's like the final frontier. Right, we're moving to cans, guys. Very good.

Speaking of trips, Matt, I took a little trip an adventure, if you will, with the children solo. Yeah, what are you thinking, dude? I was in the dog house. I don't even call it the dog house anymore. I just call it the house. That's where I live.

What did you do? It was just like a pleasant evening turned into a night out. Well, you were with, what's his name? Zach. And Hugo. And Zach is just a standout individual. Oh, isn't he just?

Well, I feel like if you're going to embark on a journey like this, the fact that Zach is there, calms my nerves. Absolutely. So we decided to go to an away game for Manly. Oscar's never been to a big stadium before. Macy wasn't going to come, but I was like, you know what?

I'm going to take her. She's never been to a Manly game. So she didn't know what Manly is? Yeah, because Oscar's always harping on about it. Sure. He loves it. So we took an adventure. We got on a bus, which kids love buses.

Love it. Yeah, for a while. And they're like, keep stopping. That's like, that's a bus. And I want to swap seats. Oh, stand on the seat. Although, funny thing, we got on and the bus driver took off before Macy could sit down. And she was in the aisle.

She literally was like, oh, oh, oh, oh. And she was someone behind, like, caught her. I was like, was it Zach? Thank you. No. It was a stranger. It was a stranger. But it was funny watching her like.

Because she'd never experienced that before. And then we... Catch your daughter. Oh, she was too far ahead of me. She was gone. Yeah. It was like you chasing the styrovo. Anyway, everything was like, hey.

Trying to stop her with your foot. Trying to kick her to stop. And then we went to, uh, we got on a ferry after that. What? It gets better. Right. We then got on the light rail. Wow.

How many modes of transport do you want to take? Three. And then we got a maxi Uber home. What was of the three forms of transport? The bus, the ferry, the light rail. What's your preference? The ferries, the preference. Yeah, fairies good.

You get beers on there, for starters. Great. That's a plus. The bus's bit monotonous. What I don't like? I've never done a light rail. What's it like? It's so fucking slow.

You can walk faster and Oscar was like What are we doing? What is this shit? And I'm like, oh sorry So we were late for the game because of that It's so slow And I knew it was that slow Was there an accident or something?

No, no, I've been on it plenty of time And it's so slow It's like Whoever sold that to the New South Wales government Is just laughing his pants off Because they're like Well, go boys! It is so slow

Apparently it was an Italian contractor Oh, rich Was his name Mario and Luigi? Joking. Joking. We're joking. To the Italian community. Sorry, we love you.

Anyway, it was torture. So you can imagine like we're like, hurry up, hurry up. Get off at Ramwick there because it was an Alliant Stadium up the road here. And then we're running. And they're like, stop. It's already started. And we're like piss bolting. And then get to our seat.

Good, great, beautiful stadium. As you know. Get to our seats. Macy's a bit confused about what's going on because she's never been. There's people yelling. and hooting and hollering and hollering and carron on and it was at a Bulldogs game so you can imagine the specimens that would have been there.

No, I can't. Please explain. Well, let me tell you about them. Just very passionate. Let's go passionate. Sometimes, like, we went to the Canberra Roosters game and the Canberra fans are lovely. They were really, a bit scary because they dressed as Vikings. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they were really nice people. Were you sat with the Manly fans? We, I did buy away, general admission away. Clever. Yeah. But because I was like, oh, it's fine because that sort of stadium, it's a good view from anywhere. So I wasn't really that way.

Great stadium. And I wasn't too busy in our section, but it was still like, I think there was like 25,000 people there. And Macy's never been around 25,000 people. She spent the whole time, like, covering her ears because it was so loud. So loud. And then she kept getting the shits as me because I'm a passionate fan. I was like, I was like, literally.

Rib his head off. I was like, bullshit! Like just carrying a little bit, not too much. But Macy. was like the whole time was just like covered up. She just ate and snack the whole time. She could have just done that at home. But I dragged her all the way across.

And then, um, do you know what? Will she remember? I remember my very first game. This is core memory stuff here. Yeah. I'm just saying like, this is, I don't think she'll remember it. Well, no, probably not.

It was a bit disappointing because they got flogged. Well, yeah, they should probably remember the disappointment of mainly playing like absolute shit. I know. We saw my face and then how it just. disappointed I was. Well, I saw the footage on socials of you just like walking out of the stadium and the kids are like, Daddy, wait! I just left him. I'm like, I'm fucking going. I was like,

I've had my backpack on. I'm like, oh, you're gone? Back on the light rail to crawl home. I know, well, this is the thing. We're like, it's dark. It's definitely bedtime for these kids, like getting to that stage. They're getting tired. It's a big afternoon. Big day. Big day. Just like the show.

Big show. And then I was like, to Zach, I was like, what we should do is we should just, because kids can go in an Uber up to a certain age or something like that. And so we got like a maxi Uber or whatever. Picked us up. Got in there. Of course.

I don't know if you are allowed. It is. There's a law. Like, whoa. Jesus. I think there's over two. I don't know. I don't know.

I bought my head off. Anyway, that was safe. Anyway, they'll promise some ice cream all the way home. So eventually I was like to the Uber. I said, look, we do need to stop for ice cream at a service station somewhere. You need ice cream in the car? He said yes. Okay.

That's bra. Yeah, I was like, whatever. Sometimes I'm like, can I blow my nose in the Uber? And they're like, no, that's illegal. But he stopped first, which is great. What did you go for? I got the kids in paddle pops. Love that.

Rainbow paddle pop. Macy couldn't quite, and I couldn't, I couldn't really get my phone was in my bag and stuff. I was like trying to like, I should have got a photo of it. She'd fall in asleep with the ice cream pretty much. She fell asleep. And you'll like that? Yeah, she pretty much fell asleep on the ice cream. Remember she fell asleep at the lunch table at Kindi?

I don't remember. They sent us a photo like, Macy's a bit tired and she was full bowl of lunch and she's like, and she's like, and apparently it happens all the time like kids just fall asleep

because they can't handle it. I've got to get that checked out. Anyway, so she's fallen asleep in the ice cream. I got to eat the rest of the ice cream. And then she was just like, she was completely knackered. Like I have never seen,

I've never been able to transition her from the car. Oh, yeah. Into bed. And one swoop without them waking up. But I literally picked her up. From in the bed. I literally picked her up out of the thing.

She didn't move. She was like old mate, raw dogging. She was just nothing. She must have woken up and be like, where the bloody hell am I? Yeah, I even handed her over to April. No wake up. April took her. Got a completely change into her jammies.

Did she still wear a nappy at night time? Yeah? Okay, there you go. The whole thing. Because the worst thing is when you do that transition and they don't wake up. Because Lola fell asleep on the walk home from dinner one night. And then we had, no, we had to then like get her. Channing to sit her in the toilet and be like, wake up.

Like you're on the toilet. Imagine that. And you'd be like, hey, it's time for a weed. She's like, what are I doing? Who are you? I know. And we're like, just we. It's so confusing when you wake up too.

Imagine, like, just falling asleep somewhere and waking up on the toilet. One minute she's at the table eating ice cream. Next minute she's being held down in the toilet being like, you will weed out. And with the lights on. So Macy, um, she slept right through. And then the next morning she woke up And I was like, gee, she had no idea what happened. Like, she had no idea how she got into bed.

She blacked out. She literally blacked out. And like, she was like, where's my ice cream? I was like, babe, that was like 12 hours ago. Anyway, the adventure was successful. Well done. Well done. Really quickly before we go on to the next segment,

which I don't know what that will be just yet. But are you dressing up Oscar for 100 days of Kendi? We've already done it. 100 days of Christmas? 100 days of kindy. No, it's Friday. What? Ours is Friday.

No, we, ours was, and we spoke about this. I thought that was last, I don't know. It was the last day of last term. Was that 100 days? Yeah. Why are we celebrating ours now? Well, I don't know, maybe, I don't know. We're celebrating ours on Friday.

Can I just say, can I just say, great, sorry, I had a fucking strike then, great that my sister has been through this before. I was like, you got the costume, it to me. Marley's like, I want... What's the costume? Because you dress up as like an 100, 100 year old person. What? We didn't do that. This was like a fluoro party. That's fun. Ours is all the kids dress up as either old people or something to do with 100, right? And so I've

got like this costume ready to go, given to me from my sister. Didn't even have to pay for it. Beautiful. Old person. And I'm like, Marley, this is what you're wearing. And she goes, nah, I want to wear a t-shirt with a hundred beads glued to it. Oh, my goodness. What? I was like, no. You better get to work, girl.

I was like, I'm trying so hard. I'm like, anyway, I wish we were in fluoro. That'd be a great thing. Dressing up as an old person, isn't that offensive? I don't know. If I was a hundred-year-old and I walk past that, I'd be like, out to you! Is it ageist? It's a bit ages.

Yeah, ask me. Also, this was last term. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not keeping track of dates. Do you guys? Do you guys count differently? over here.

We're in the east. Yeah. We have a different numerical, numerical. Numerical system. Roman. Anyway, I'm just looking, we've, it's the housekeeping that is just jam-packed the front end of this episode. So I'm thinking, Ash, we do have a lot of pair-rants.

We've got some good questions. I think it's questions. I'm confused. All right. You look different, by the way. Why? I'm a homeowner now, so. Yes.

That's what it is. It's all about it than everyone. Yeah, I'm going to ask you a question from Anonymous. Yeah, okay, go on. Okay, they wish to remain anonymous for a very obvious reason. You're going to find that out right now. And they say, is it okay to dislike your friend's kids? Oh, yeah, 100%.

I didn't think it was possible. I thought kids were just immune to being disliked, right? I fucking hate them. There's a couple of kids. Oh, there is a couple of them. There was one that I really liked. I was like, this kid's great. He turned on you, didn't he?

I got the ick. I got the ick for a friend's kid. And now when I see him, I'm like, what did he do? Come on. They were just bragging about how good they were at sport. Oh, I fucking hate that. And then I was like, this kid's pretty arrogant.

Yeah, he was five or six. Oh, imagine what he's going to grow up to be like. And also, also do you know what game with that's right they walk past a branch and it like just like brush their shoulder and they were like ah really like though

and they for the attention for the attention and I don't know if they noticed that I saw what happened it was nothing it was like a feather going on your shoulder and I was like this motherfucker yeah you whisper in his ear and be like I'm onto you

fucking know what you're doing who do you hate That your kids No No For the record It's not Oscar or Macy Great kit

I love it Oh definitely Oscar No Yeah look There's always going to be Kids Some kids are annoying Oh yeah

But I also think it comes down To some of the parenting Oh yeah Yeah it's like They are a product of their environment Exactly right You're only It's like a bad behaved dog

A dog is only is well-behaved as his owner. That's not right. Yeah, no, that's good. That's close. Put a lot of T-shirt. What's with your dog then? Just a yappy little shit.

Yeah, well. Whoops. No discipline in my hand. Yeah, look, Oscar could be that kid. There could be people out there. But it reminds me of like when someone tells like, when, like, you say to your mom, it's like, oh, yeah, he doesn't like me very much. He doesn't know, who could like you?

You know what I mean? Like the overreaction that no, like. No one could ever dislike you. And it's like kids, some of them are just annoying. Oh, yeah. And if you're a parent who, even a non-parent, who dislikes other kids, that's fine. You're allowed to. You can.

Just don't tell the parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, let's just line that right up. There's a few kids as well. Sometimes when you talk about going away on holiday and a family will get suggested and you look and you think about their kid and you're like, I don't want to spend four days with that little shit. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. For all of my friends listening, none of you guys. Not you guys. Just what we've heard. What we've heard, Ash, we've got one last question before we go. Yeah. This is actually what Jess, not so much a question. It's more of a...

Question? Statement. Jess put a question out there. Did you put a question or a statement? Sorry, it's a question. It's a statement. You shut up. Sorry.

She asked the listeners on the Facebook group, which is great, by the way. Two dotting dads on Facebook group, 3.1,000 followers, what's up? What's the most unhinged thing that's happened to as a parent? Oh, great. Me personally? Yes, can I? Are we going to read? We're going to read.

We're going to read. Yeah, I don't care. I didn't have anything lined up for that. I was going to dig deep. Dig deep. So this one's from Gemma. Was accused of, straight off the bat. was accused of abusing my children

and apparently the cops were called. Apparently or wow. If they were, she doesn't give a fuck. They were screaming because the motel pool was called. Oh my goodness. It's like that trend on TikTok where it's like they show the picture of an outside house and the audio of a kid's screaming

and people are like, I wonder what's going on in there and it's where like you've cut the sandwiches into squares and not triangles. and the kids have got blood-curdling screams. I said to Macy the other day when I cut hers accidentally into squares, she had a living meltdown. I just got down on her lever and I was like, does it make it taste any different?

Oh, my God. She was like, what? Safe to say, I cut the sandwich however I like now. This is from Francesca. Just to add to the unhinged, mortifying moments, thread, please, Francesca, take it away. My four-year-old once emerged from his grandma's bedroom. my husband's mother, not mine, important detail.

Remember that, Ash. I remember it. Absolutely beaming, proudly holding her big old rubber massager. Just flip-flopping it around the living room like it's a toy lightsaber. My husband was horrified and screamed to him to put that down. Oh my God, I'm squirming. And to this day, I gently lovingly remind my husband of the day we met his rubber stepdad.

Very good. Oh, that's, oh my goodness. That is unhinged. This one's from Laura. When I was 39 weeks pregnant with my second son, I got food poisoning. I was up all night throwing up and shitting my guts out. Lovely. Lovely image I just got in my head then.

My throwing up woke up my two-year-old. I stationed myself on the couch with a bowl. and turned on the TV to distract the two-year-old. I started to throw up so violently that I couldn't control my bowels. So I was pooping my pants on the couch every time I reched. My son was literally on my back with his arms wrapped around my neck, peering around saying, Mama, what are you doing? Oh my God.

I literally was cracking up in between the hells because what could represent being a parent more? You can't even throw up and poop your pants by yourself anymore. I ended up being in the hospital the next day because I was so dehydrated. Baby was good and after the IV I was able to wait until 40 weeks and had a second beautiful boy. Oh my God. That is a snapshot of what parenting is really like. That could be a movie. That was fast.

Can I also just say very well read? Thank you. That was really. Well, you had to put it on there. I'm a homeowner now. We've got two more. Okay. On my first, this is from Loren, Lauren, Lauren, L-O-R-E-N, Lauren.

I've never met that before. On my first Mother's Day, my baby, two months old at the time, spewed and the majority of it went in my mouth. That's never happened to me. Oh, have you seen the videos? When the baby is like... It's like on top? Yeah, they're like, blah. Oh.

That is my... That's got to be up there with one of the worst. one of my biggest fears. Oh, next one's the long one. It's yours. I can read this one. There's two more long ones. I'll go this one.

You go the next one. Okay. This is from Francis. We were in the hospital as my five-year-old split a head open by running into a metal pole. And anyway, after a general anesthetic and stitches, we were in the recovery ward and the doctor was discharging us. Great word. Ew. Sorry.

And sorry, the doctor was discharging us. Say one more time. The doctor discharging us came in for a chat and to do the final. or checks before leaving. My daughter, who is incredibly afraid of doctors, yelled at him, don't come near me. I don't like people with brown skin. Oh my God, I did not expect that to get racial.

Luckily, we were in hospital because I nearly died right there and then on the spot, I was so embarrassed. The doctor took it like a champ. I've been thinking about it ever since. And safe to say, we've had lots of discussions about culture and why we never comment on the way someone looks. Oh, my God. All right, this one's from Tarley

And this is the last one, okay? I was totally unhinged postpartum. A door knocker was at the door which set off the dog and I was trying to feed my son who was refusing to latch but was hungry, so screaming. I yelled at her from the lounge

to go away multiple times before she left the door. I ended up making him a bottle which he sculled and heard her at one of the neighbours' house so I decided to yell at her not to knock on the door of a house with the screaming baby.

Then she said something smart about me yelling at her to leave when she's just trying to do her job. So I told her to get a real job. Oh, my God. Mind you, she was across the streets. I was yelling at her from my doorstep. I also got called a fucking bitch. Oh, my God.

This is a separate one. I got called a fucking bitch at the zoo a few days later because I said, can you move to someone who was standing, mid-walkway in the aquarium area. Zero patients from my answer, no excuse. Whoops, that's postpartum hormones. Sorry, the post-partum hormones are no joke.

Fantastic. I love how we ask, what's the most unhinged thing that's happened to you? And she's just like, I was the unhinged one. I'm going to do the opposite. I'm going to be unhinged. Very well. I think, look, you see mums with little babies just trying to get bar. Get out of the way.

Get the fuck. Footpath etiquette, hierarchy. Steer clear of that bubble. Hey, there's a lot more unhinged stories in the Facebook group. If you're not currently a member, good content. Good gear in there. Yeah, or you can follow us on Instagram or Facebook. But if you've liked this episode, please leave us a review.

Subscribe, a couple stars. Do you know who gives the best reviews? Mums. Spotify. Spotify. There's lovely, there's lovely reviews on that. Really heartwarming. I'm too afraid.

I know. To look. I had like a dab on. look, there's one about me being like, I didn't fucking dick. No, the only bad one. I think they even said like the swearing stopped or something. They want it back. Well, well, fuck it off.

But yeah, subscribe. Yes. We love it. And that's it. I guess so. I think we'll go. Okay, bye. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout

Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.