Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #164 Best Birthday Gift EVER?

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

It's the Big Dog's 35th birthday, and this year, Matty J spoils him rotten! (It's definitely not because he forgot for a second year in a row...)  Matt was also late for the recording because he was watching his little girl Marlie-Mae MC on stage for the first time!  Oscar attempts to help Dad with a roof leak, and bless his cotton socks, it's the worst attempt at help a dad could ask for.  We also get into your Par-Rants for this week, where you air out your parenting grievances. We also answer your questions:  My child has a phobia of cheese and butter. Any phobia tips?!  Have you ever caught your kids out on a lie?  BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Get on the microphone. Get in closer. On the microphone. Let me give me a kiss. What happened? No, look, she wanted to come up on my lap, which I did. And then she was shuffling around the sofa. And I thought, what's that smell?

And I leant across to get her, and I was covered in poo. She was covered in poo. The sofa was covered in poo. Okay. And it was horrible. I bet. And I had to put her back in the cage because there's nowhere else to put it, to put her. And then so her bedding in the cage got covered in boo, and it was horrible.

Have they got a puppy? They got a puppy. What sort of puppy is it? Well, they did have a puppy until I strangled its neck. Oh my God, all right. The jerseys were about to start. Always. No animals were harmed in the making of this podcast.

It can confirm the dog is still alive. I think. Welcome back to Jordan. This is a podcast all about two doting. No, I'm Ash. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting.

It is a good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And we don't give advice. But what we do do do do is give presents. We do. We do. Because.

Oh, yeah. One of us is turning 34. Five. I'm surprised. Honestly, I'm shocked at you remembered. I am shocked. I have messaged a lot of people. Jess, a lovely producer, has reminded me a few times.

April has also reminded me. I have a birthday alarm that goes off once a week. I had a plan in case you didn't. remember what was that leave the podcast no there's a um there's a episode of the office where michael scott rings up his ex-girlfriend and goes happy birthday and she says it's not my birthday he goes it's funny i thought we had the same birthday and she was like happy birthday like i i forgot last year didn't i yeah and the year before that yeah yeah so i was like this year i will not forget i'm going to go grab it i'll be one second okay i can try to close my eyes or

what am i doing here no no no i'm going to close my eyes i'm patiently waiting we're Do you should do some waiting music. Do, do, do, do, do, no. Do, no. I hear rustling. I have two gifts. Oh, I've two gifts. I'll give you the bag first.

Yes, please. Oh, is the bag the gift, is it? Oh, my God, it's a big brown bag. I can't even see you past this bag. Hey. You can remove the item from the bag and take a look inside. Oh, it's a big bag for a t-shirt.

Oh, well, sorry. Very nice. It's a gem pikelets t-shirt. I love it. I was actually thinking about this yesterday. I could tell. I know. That's, thank you.

I love it. It's at a cartoon version. After you hold it up to the camera and show the good people. I will. I'll show the front and then I'll show the bag. I stole that from your social media. That's the logo for your surfboard. Yeah, it is.

For the foamy that's coming, we're going to do a giveaway for that too soon. Yes. Just keep your ears and eyes peeled for that. I have five of those shirts for you. Five? Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. Thank you.

That's gift number one. Wow. I feel so spoiled. Gift number two didn't arrive. You got a picture of it. Well, you know what? what it's like, when a football team loses, they go into hiding. They don't reply to messages.

Oh, they don't want to be seen by anyone. Bastards. And I messaged them and I said, you're talking about manly in NRL team. They didn't respond. They come off the back of a bit. They don't respond when they win. Any chance I can get a happy birthday for Ash. Seen or reply.

Oh, come on, guys. So that one's coming. It'll come. So it's a third. So this is the other gift, which. Because you have a new house. So this is part birthday party gift. Yeah.

Part housewarming gift. Okay. Avery was going to love it, I bet. Oh, she will. Okay, yeah, yeah. Come on. Give it over. Give it, give you, get, go, go.

That's huge. Okay. I show the camera before I see it. I love it. That's so good. For people who obviously you're listening, can't see, it is a photo taken from our calendar. We are hosing ourselves down completely naked

except for a couple of boots and buggy smugglers. And the hats that aren't on. Yeah, I love that. I come tan. You look pretty tan. Yeah, we both look great. Thank you. April's going to love that.

I love it. It's going straight in the living room. Maybe in the kids' room. Please. I love it. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Jess.

Appreciate it. Happy birthday. Thank you, 35. Special mention to Jess, who had to pick up that bit of artwork and travel with it on public transport. That makes it even better. Jess, I am so sorry for doing that. I'm so sorry.

That is very good. It's a big picture for those of you again who cannot sit. It is huge. 60 centimetres by like a metre. It's a metre. That's a metre long. Thank you. I feel very blessed.

So thank you very much. I appreciate that. You happy birthday, dude. Thank you. 35. Should I reflect? No, I just get sad. But yeah, 35.

Happened so fast. Right, it's quick. Blink of an eye. Yeah. One second, we're 18. We finished school. And then, well, you finish school a lot earlier than that. It's 15.

Jesus. Yeah. Next thing. I've been out in the world for a lot. long time. 20 years ago, I left school. That's wild. That's crazy.

Did you ever go to a school reunion? Reunion? No. Did you ever go to a school reunion? No. It'd be awkward because I was expelled from most of them. He's back. No, definitely not.

But my kid goes to my primary school, so I guess it's kind of like a reunion. Thank you. Thank you both. How are you going to celebrate? I'm going to America, apparently. Yeah, you're going next week. Yeah, I'm going to meet Shaq. Without the family.

Yeah, I'm going to meet Shaquillo O'Neal. I've got to work. It's for a job. Yeah, it's for a job. I'm going to go meet Shaquille O'Neal. I think if it turns up. Great. That's about it.

I said I want to go go-karting because I've got an obsession at the moment, which is racing. That's not like you to get a weird obsession with something. I know, I do, don't I? Before we recorded this, you were listening to Formula One. Is that new? Yeah, that's my whole thing now. That's my whole personal. What about Pokemon cards?

Yep, still going through. It's not as much at the moment. It'll come back. Pokemon cards. Yulele. Tier 2, F1, F1. Yeah. F1.

T1 is F1. I've got a simulator in the house. Jesus. I saw you put a bloody message out there. Does anyone have a racing helmet and a full body suit for racing? Yeah. It's for a skit. Did you get it?

Yeah, I did. I do. I got to get it. I got to pick it up from someone. From who? She's a friend. Her brother and dad do, used to do go, like, professional go karting. She's like, oh, I've got some suits for you.

I'm like, sweet. She's like, they might stink. I'm like, so April's like, fucking hell. It's for a skit. We've got a simulator. You're walking around the house

and a fucking helmet and full-blown racing suit. Anyway, so I think we'd just do some go-karting and have dinner with the kids and then. Great. I won't see him for a week. And that's present enough.

The dream. I need to apologise for being late today. Ash. Oh, yeah. No sweat. That's made up for it. Why were you late?

We do you have education week at your school? Every week is education week, Matt. I hate to break it to you, bro. We had, I think it's to coincide with a hundred days of Kendi. Is it like open day or something? Well, they invite parents to come and sit in the classroom for 45 minutes. The longest 45 minutes of your life, I bet.

It actually wasn't too. Shut up. I'm not, be honest. It was nice. Marley was pumped. Yeah. She was, it was the first time ever where I woke up, she was dressed, she had breakfast, she pretty much had a backpack on, and she was like, hurry the fuck up, we're going to school.

You should tell her every day that you come into school with her. I'd start doing it. So she just starts doing it automatically, like Pavlov's dog. Man, we were at school like 8.30. I was like, oh, hell. And I had to play tip with the kids. Unfair advantage for you. Long arms, long legs.

Pretty quick crossing around. You do scamper. But it was nice. We just, you know, you sit in the classroom and I wasn't sure how it was going to play out. But essentially the kids just show you what they've been working on. Grab some coloring in. Grab a book. Love that.

And it was nice. All the parents were there. However. Okay. However. A couple of kids. No parents. No parents.

Oh, fuck. It's heartbreaking. Oh, God. I could have cried. You're an empath, too, so you would have been like, come here, my children, like the Pied Piper. You've got a bunch of kids following you down. Oh, mate, this poor little boy. I know.

And he looked like he was going to cry. And I was, it's sad. I just, yeah, it was like, same. I went to a school thing really quickly so you can finish the story. And it was like an assembly and all the parents were there of these particular kids. But one of the dads of the kid in Oscar's class, he had to take off a. immediately, like he had to go back to work. So all of the kids came out of assembly to their parents except for this one kid.

And I was like, April, I was like, come here, buddy, get a photo with Oscar. And, like, you try and, but the kid was like, oh, you're doing. My dad, just had to go back to work. Chill. He's not dead. I know. And it's like, oh, he's like a widowed little weird child. You're not a holiday.

It's going to be all right to me. Some of the most courageous people in the world grow up without parents. It's fine. There you go on. Oh, no, Marley. was trying to show me her coloring in and all I could do was look at Timmy being like, he's so alone right now. There was one kid.

She had a parent. She was like, hello. And I was like, hey. And she was like, can I show you a love heart? And I was like, yeah, hurry up. And I couldn't lose her. They're the girl. Yeah, I couldn't get rid of her.

I was like, I'm here with Mali. Back off. Yeah, back. Malley's like, beat it. Go. But then after the classroom. Yeah. Little classroom session.

That was great. After that, we then had assembly. assembly was all about celebrating education week, essentially just celebrating school. Yep. And Marley had put her hand up to say a few words. Now, I cast my memory back to when you tried to get her to tell,

she had to tell a story in front of the class. Yes. So how did this go? Well, I wasn't sure how it happened. You know, sometimes you don't want to believe your kids, but she was like, I've got something to learn. So she had in a little homework folder, a little script. had to learn it off by heart

and I was like did you get this is everyone doing a speech like what's happened trying to break it down like how did this happen they're so vague too they don't know

yeah every day and I know the answer I get from Oscar it's like what did you do at school today he's like I can't remember and it's like fuck okay well what what do you know yeah this is education week

and I was like did your teacher ask you and she goes well no I don't put my hand up I was like getting blood from a stone And I'm like, what is happening here? What's it about? I don't know. So she had to learn the speech.

I then realized later on that only a couple of kids were saying, an intro, welcome, here we are, Education Week. And Marley was starting that speech. So only three kids from kids. I sound like such a dick. Only three kids were selected kids. Can't believe I didn't pick up on that. Well, only the best and brightest of the children of that particular class

were selected. And of course, Marley. was handpicked Yes Handpicked first By the principal To speak in front of all the other parents To represent the kindergarten

She's so humble too I'm not Am I sorry Yeah you are Let me apologize No don't I'm I know what I'm doing And I'm sorry

But Go on But I was obviously The podcast was on And I was like What I'm going to do Is just quickly Do that part

You know See her do a speech And then I'll duck out of there Okay So the Assembly starts the band do a song

two songs fucking terrible was it like a lot of wind instruments too there's always a rogue clarinet

oh someone's on a sax and they don't know how to play it or someone just goes I played saxophone and I used to get so freaked out

that I used to just I wouldn't blow in my saxophone you told me this yeah it's so good let the other saxophone And you're like, I was perfect, pitch perfect. So, two songs, then the recorder group come out.

Jesus. Another two songs. Another annoying instrument. Then the choir comes out. Actually, the choir, they were quite good. That were pretty good, yeah. Quite good. Quantus choir level?

Actually, it was a lot better than I thought. Okay, cool. And then they have the break dance troupe come out. I was like, how fucking artistic is this school? They were terrible as well. Oh, God. Like, the boys looked like they were forced against their will, like, pointed at gunpoint to come out and like try and dance like they all looked like they were

petrified for their lives and it's just no one it was off beat there's one kid who could dance who was like obviously the ringleader put the good avals at the front and then and then after that i was like surely my only will come out she's not even she's like backstage like back a house hasn't even been on the stage yet and they have the fuck the break dance they have then the year one to three dance trip the year three to five dance trip the year six

you got a full of Steadford fuck dude literally you got to the Stedford this morning and I'm looking at my watch going oh my gosh she's waiting I was just waiting

I'm just waiting other parents as well we'll all be there since nine o'clock other parents are like wrap this up I thought it was going to be like a 15

everyone's like yeah yeah then finally she came out she gets handed the microphone very nervous very nervous that no Whoops.

This is how she sounded. Hello, everyone. We are in kindergarten and we are so excited for education. Nailed it. Well done. She's a good speaker, just like a dad. Thank you. And her mom.

Thank you. And Ellie. A parent tap on the shoulder and said, gosh, she's so confident, isn't she? Well, she was hand selected. Yeah. And then after that, I waved to goodbye.

And do you know, it's, Like, it is amazing, Ash. Just bear with me for a second. Okay, I'm bearing. When they perform at any level, regardless of whether it's sport, academic. At the top level. Any co-curricular activities. Education.

When they finish, thank you. And you give them a thumbs up and say, like, well done. The look on their face. Like, she was buzzing. Beaming, some would say. Buzzing. Also, I'm just going to play a little bit of the song that they performed afterwards. That's pretty good.

Thank you. And then here we are. Well, eventful morning, they cram it in, don't they? They really get you. I feel like it's a bit like a bit like a bad salesman. Once they've got you seated. Oh, yeah. They just ream you with every.

They're like, and then we're going to bring out a bunch of dancing animals. Yeah. But also, every time like the recorder group would perform, their parents would then peel off. And then, like, after each act, there was essentially just a couple of kindi parents left in the audience. So she performed really no one. Oh, but that's all right. She still got up and did it.

He did it, man. And, like, whenever you say to Oscar, like, good job, mate. He's usually like, there's a boy thing. He's like, oh, shut the fuck up to her. Such a boy thing. But speaking of Oscar, same age as Marley. Six, for those of you knew listening, we have had a really rainy. week. It has been herrific. Well said. I couldn't have said it better myself. And as you know,

I live in a really old house that's prone to damage, I would say. Mold? Water leaks. Oh, there's mold. Don't you worry. There's mold. There's leaks. There's all sorts of things going on. The roof's falling down outside. It's the Arctic Chamber. But I have something I want to show you because Oscar, these kids are getting in their six. They want to be helpful. You know, they always want to help. I want to have a little. look, I want to do it. I'll do it. I'll do it, this sort of shit.

What, you got you talk it out? No, I didn't, didn't have to. We do have a lot of leaks that come in our house when it rains. And there's a couple of spots. You'll be able to notice the spot that it's leaking. But Oscar put his hand up and said, I'll fix this. I'll save us. Never fear Oscar is here.

Exactly. Is that because he's confident in his own ability or he's like, oh, dad, don't fucking. No, I think he just wanted to be the man of the house. Love that. Good on him. Good on him. I'm going to show you... You're getting kicked to the curb.

Oh, yeah. Come home. He's in bed with April. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Whenever I don't stay there, he does sleep with April. It's right.

Before you press play, just describe to... What I'm seeing here? What you're seeing, what the leak looks like to the listeners that I can't see it. Okay, it looks. I'm looking here at the ceiling just above the living room area, and there is a large patch of what looks like, could say black mold? It's not.

It's actually bubbled up from water coming, leaking through. There's black mold here, my guy. Well, maybe not. Good thing I'm moving. Yeah,

it's very bubbly. It's very, it's like, what it looks like is you put paint stripper. It looks like someone's applied paint stripper to the ceiling. Yeah,

I just put some paint stripper on there, you know? You know, as a fellow tradie. May I press play? You can press play because I, I really wanted to fix, like put something down to fix the help with the league.

It's good. If it was there, execution, not so much. This is the smallest Tupperware container I have ever seen. It is so tiny. Oh, my God. I couldn't. And do you know what? He said, oh, I'll get it.

Because he's seen me put Tupperware containers down before. But bigger ones, obviously. And then we hadn't noticed it. And then April goes to me, have you seen the double-weger Dana Oscar put down there? It's like literally a hundred-mill one. That's so small. That is absolutely adorable.

He had to empty it like four times. Did you put a bigger one down? No, that's still there. I don't want to redo the kids' work. That's just silly. So, yeah, Oscar, he's the man of the house now. Wow. Well, I come home and he's the bonnet of the car off

and he's like, new oil, mate, new filter. Honestly, if he's going to put that small, I don't trust the judgment, if I'm going to be honest. I guess it's in proportion to his size. In his mind, he's like, this is a like 20-gallon tank. Yeah. I thought he was going to be like, oh, just get a bucket. You know, we've got buckets.

Go get a bucket, bro. But no, that's it. But it was horrific, those couple of that. And they were both sick as well. I wouldn't wish upon my work. What's the countdown? How long until we move out? We've got about five weeks. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. It should go fast. That is going to fly by. I know. Got a lot on. How did you guys go in the weather? Yeah.

It was hard. It was hard. Probably the hardest part was the fact that soccer was cancelled for Lola. Lola was playing soccer? That leads me to my next story. Oh, I didn't even, what? Since when? Um, we started a couple of weeks ago.

Midwinter. Yeah, look, it's funny because Marley has always wanted to dance like that. She just loves it. She's always been very vocal. She's like, I want to do dance classes. And we thought we're just going to give her a little rest for the first bit of kindy. And Lola just loves kicking a ball. And she's pretty good.

I see that. She's pretty good. I see that she's more like, I want to get in there and bait some people out. Yeah, little bulldozer. And then there's Centennial Park, which is the big park here in Sydney. Oh, yeah. They do classes on the weekend. It's a Sunday, which is pretty annoying.

I think classes, not games. No, not games. Not games. So it's like little workshops where you're literally in groups of like 10 kids. And they do a few like activities, a couple of games. Keep the ball around. And then they have a little like five-on-five game at the end. But I was genuinely really nervous.

I don't know. You were, like, with Oscar, when you took him to his first rugby training, were you like, yeah, we'd find, whatever. Yeah, I was like that until he fell over. And then he hid the rest of the time the disabled toilets. Sorry. No, laugh away. It is funny.

Is he playing next season? No. He's doing jihitsu now. Ah, see, that's, but that doesn't make any sense. No mud. No mud. He's not a mud guy. Not a mud guy.

I blame April for that because she's always like, I've got sensory issues. Anything squeamines. Emish touches her. Just like his mother. Who is beautiful? April did say to me the other day. She was like, it's funny when you're, when you're both ragged on me.

And then I'm like, and April, there was April to do that. And you're like, and she's amazing. And we love her very much. I think we were talking about last week we were talking about the vacation care. I know, it's April's decision. Well, she's a smart woman. She's lovely. She's beautiful.

And I support her decision. It's me. It's me. It's a sweet. It's me. You're like, you're the worst parent in the world. Very good. Keep it up.

Such a lucky guy. Thank you. Laura had signed Lola up. And I was like, do you think she's like, we don't know anyone who's going there? There wasn't as if there was a kid that she was going with. You know, it's really intimidating these environments where you throw your child into a group of kids that they don't know. Yeah. And Lola's like, she's sociable, but it takes her a while to warm up.

She's beats anyone up that doesn't want to socialize with her. She's like, I was like, hopefully she doesn't headbut anyone. But we rock up and we're a little bit early. And we were just having a little kick around. There's balls everywhere. And I kind of said,

let's have a little kick. And I never forget it. The ball was like a meter in front of the goal. And I said, just kick it in the goal. And she talks to herself. She goes, okay,

here I go, my very first kick. And she was so nervous. She narrated it. And she narrated it. She like was hyping herself up and she like did a, it was an awful kick. And she was like, don't worry. We'll go again.

Graves the ball, goes in for another kick. And I was like, oh my gosh, I am dying inside. And I was also like, I hope she enjoys this. Like she was so pumped to go. And then the teacher comes over. And I now know that these clinics on a Sunday morning are pretty much run by like mostly Brits. They do love football.

I love football. And they're all in their like early 20s. They're all fucking hung over. Oh, that's the best. That's the best. And I'm like, I'm like chomping because this is such a big moment. And I'm like, got to her coach. And he's like, oh, are you fucking going, mate?

All right, mate. How fucking goal, mate? And I'm like, here she is. Here's Lola. And he like stinks of vodka Red Bulls from the night before. He's like, all right. All right. Kick it in the goal.

I can stand over there, not what I mean? Not what I'm, you're like, I used to live in London, you know? She enjoy it? Mate, she was good. She was like very, very nervous and it was hard because there were a couple of kids. I want to say almost all the kids had professional boots on. They'd all done it before. They were really, really good.

And she just had normal shoes on. She had Marley's hand me down on shoes from school that she was calling her fast shoes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was, it took her a while, but Laura, whenever she would touch the ball, they had a little game at the end, she would get close to the ball. And Laura's there going,

kick it! Get it, Lola! Is she going to be one of those parents? And I was like, can you relax? Bro, I, okay, some of the guys, some of my friends' kids do soccer on a Saturday morning with their boys, like a proper competition,

not a competition, that's like proper games and stuff. The fight, the parents that fight. It's every week I hear Laura's one of them I know I was like can you just relax And then her and April would be fucking At that I'd hate to come across April and Laura

Down at a kid's soccer game Now I would really enjoy it because April is such a lovely woman And she's got great conversational skills And her company is second to none Fuck you off if you get on the wrong side of us It's the side of Laura I haven't seen before And I'm like Laura this is three minutes

On 5 and these kids are four years old Chill Just relax And there was one kid who was so good didn't pass to anyone and she was like fucking timmy kid needs to learn how to pass and i was like his parents could be here i know just tim gahills kid yeah i was like oh shit but then i think when you i don't know if you notice this but like when the ball comes to you some kids would hesitate yeah lolah was but she's hesitating a bit and other kids would like run to the ball

finally she gets to the ball yeah she dribbles down the feet and field, she then lines up the goal, takes a kick, scores a goal. No shit. In the wrong goal. Oh, fuck. She's like, it's so good. No one even trying to stop me. And she looks at us and I'm just going, yeah.

I think that's good enough. I think that's fine. Like, I have no problems with that. Any holes of goal. That's exactly where that term came from. And then poor old Hugo, the hungover Brits, I mean, well, that's not, it's on goal. That's the wrong goal, love. In the other one.

I was like, just let it have it. I know. I know. He's just like, red card. It's, ah, man, I'm dreading the sport, the early morning sports. I want to say thank you to my parents for driving me every which way to play soccer all over the east coast of Australia. Like, fuck. My old man used to drive me to like Byron Bay twice a week for training.

And then because it was a rep squad. So it was like twice a week. What's that from the Gold Coast? It's like an hour and a half. Yeah. Yeah. After work, too. And school and shit.

No wonder he hates you. Fair. But it was funny because like the games would be anywhere from Koff's Harbor to the border. Or even the goal. Some of the goal coast. Oh, it was fucking. Honestly, I don't know how my old man did it. I think he was just, he's always just been the driver and he just loves the drive.

I think like. But that actually reminds me I used to coach a soccer team, a kid's soccer team, when I was 18. Yeah. Me and my mate Troy used to coach an under-8 team hungover. That does not surprise me. Every week, it was, I don't know, we loved it. And the parents loved us because the kids wouldn't listen to them,

but they would listen to us. We had them. We took them to the grand finals, the whole bit. And every year the parents would give us bottles of alcohol and stuff for like the end of year. It was fucking amazing. I actually looked back and I'm like, fuck, that was so fun. Okay, so what do I have to do with Lola?

How do I tell me how to, I'm trying to get her to dribble up and down the hallway. That's a good start. That's plenty. I would. I need, you need a... Yeah, look, I'm flat out trying to teach my kid how to kick properly. Yeah, but she'll listen to you. Yeah, maybe.

I'll give it a go. Next time I see her, I'll be like, all right, show us, what you got? She could be a next Matilda. She could be. I think she's got it. I think she does too. I'm about to go deck her out and, like, proper shin pads, boots. And the women's, the national women's team is better than the national men's team.

I'm just going to be completely completely funny, honestly. I tried to get Marley to sign up and she was like, fuck that. It's like, old debts. Yeah. stepped. But is it expensive? It's very expensive. They really rinse you, don't they?

It's not cheap. I don't know how much I'm paying, but it's punchy. Kids sport is not cheap. Dude, it's crap. I was, in my mind, I was thinking, like, we could do two-doting dads soccer clinics. We could. We tried that with union last year.

Remember, we sponsored the union team that cost us an arm and a leg, and we got absolutely nothing out of that. Yeah, you're right. No, well, I think we should set it up ourselves. And you can reach out to those old parents. Yeah. You're experienced.

I could do it. I've won a grand final before when I was 12 years old. Just the one? Playing soccer. Oh, geez. Matt, I think it's time for one of our favorite segments, which is Peret. Please. Let's do it.

Oh, I have to. Actually, no, we'll play the theme song now. Oh, yeah, you must. Whoa, oh, I want to be freer to say what I feel. Man, I feel like a pair. And I will say, I will just want to read you a quick message. This is not a Perrant, but this is in regards to the Per Rant song. Okay.

From Kate on Instagram. We've been nominated for Naria. And she goes, the highlight of my year is you changing your Per Rant song. It almost had me bailing on you guys for good. But now I can get. my lulls without wanting to simultaneously kill myself. Oh my God. Thanks, fellas.

New song is killer in a good way. Was it that bad? It's so hard to know of people. We were going for it being that bad. We wanted to be bad. I was like, I want this to be so bad. But what's even weirder is the fact that people also reach out, there's a minority of them, sure, who say, I miss the song.

I don't know what to believe. It's like people who have like, what's like a, what's a weird drink, like a nigroney. Right? People hate it. But then there's weirdos out there who like the badness. You know? Not to say that people who like the song were weird, freaks.

Yeah, a bunch of freaks. They're the sort of kids who ate glue. Sorry, guys. You know it's true. Yeah, they're like, they're right now sitting in the car with a bloody clag jar going, Oh, God, they know too much. Clag. Clag.

Clag glue. Oh, my God. That takes me back. Back. Delicious. All right. Oh, fuck. This is...

I'll do the short one. You're the better talker than me. Reader, whatever. Whatever you call it. Whatever you want to call it. I don't know what to call it because you're better than me. This one's from Katie Black. Specific, first name and last name.

No one look her up. When kids Okay, this is going to It is going to irk me I've pre-read it in my head When kids squeeze half the tube Of toothpaste out to brush that seat So annoying

Oh man They just don't have a middle ground It's either none or all of it But also I don't get kids Like ours are four and six Right You think at this age

They'd understand physics A little bit Is that physics? Well no I was going to to say like, surely they can, like the, the toothpaste has left the tube. Whatever they squeeze out is going in their mouth. They're the rules in the mouth. But like they can tell they've got like they, there's the toothpaste is left.

Have you ever put too much toothpaste in your kid's mouth? Yes. As punishment. Well, Lola eats the toothpaste. So yeah, she's. Yours tastes too good. Yeah, she likes it. But you know when the kids are filling up like putting milk in a cup and it's like you're at,

you're at the top. Like, why are you still pouring? You can tell that it's full. You know what's going to happen next, but yet you don't stop. It's like what I did to you at the cafe the other day, and I filled your water cup all the way out to like the brim. So if you touched it, it'd spill over. So they're all learning it from me.

But it is so fucking annoying. And I'm like, you know, try and give them some independency, big word for me. Is that a word? It is now. Jess, is that a word? Independence. Fuck. She doesn't know either.

What do you know? Anyway, I'm like, that's it. I'll scrape it up and I'll be like in your mouth. You deal with that. And I was just like, sneezing from all the mint. That's how, yeah. Do you give the mint?

Mate, I told you, Macy's addicted to Eclipse mints. She started to say no to Eclipse mints now. What she moved on to? No, no. She just says no, because she's got her own stash. Just accept it. I have. Okay, this one is from Ella.

This is a long one, struck ourselves in. I've got twin toddlers one with suspected autism Thank you Ella Is that your aunt? No Sorry

The end The end And I'm pregnant with number three Congratulations So drop off Thank you In commiserations So drop-offs and pickups

Are already a circus We've worked hard on routines But you know how toddlers get When they're really tired and distracted They don't always listen Ash and Matt So pictures this. It's 4.30pm. Long day. I collect the twins. My daughter runs ahead to the gate,

in brackets, standard. My son's inside the door. Distracted by the birds. I'll get you. Those birds. Don't look at the birds. He's like, well, that's a silver-tailed squatter. As I'm literally trying to pull him along, two separate families, each with both mum and dad, just open the gate, let my daughter push past them and sprint straight into the road. Oh my God. In that split second, I had to ditch my son, slam the door so we stayed inside. Honestly, safer there. And push past four adults to grab my daughter off the road.

How was the daughter again? They're twins. They're the same, mate. Oh, fuck he's good. You were listening. Thank you. I was picturing it. Remember you said, picture this?

I was picturing it. Thank you. Then went back to my son, who thankfully listened. and stayed put, although very confused why mum had abandoned him. So what's the rant? I'm getting their patience. Oh, yes, okay, okay, okay. It's a lead-up.

It's a good lead-up. Because normally the rant's like a sentence long. It's like, I hate kids. Yeah, okay, we get it. It's nice to get a meaty one. It is. That's what she said. Thank you.

Thank you. Okay. Not one of those parents stopped, tried to help, or even checked on my son. They carried on like nothing happened, despite the massive sign on the gate. Watch for children. Only let out kids you're responsible for. So that's the rant.

That's the rant. And that's fair. I would say. Say it. I would say that's poor form. That is poor form from those four parents because I know and there's time. The other day, I only jumped in a pool because I thought a kid was going to jump in there. I don't know who the kid was or where he came from.

I thought it meant because he was going to cross the road. Yeah. I was like, I'm out of here. I'm like, shit. Like my parental instincts does not just stop at my. kids. I'm like, if I see a kid that I'm like, this, something could happen here, even if that parent has a dig at me, forget, like, it's none of my business. If that, if that, if I could save a life, I will. You are such a good guy. And I think it. Do I,

do I dare say hero? Say it. Do I am? You are a hero. This podcast is very self-indulgent about me. So Alakindi has two gates, right? Because that's, that's a regulation, right? Am I wrong? There's more than one gate separate, whether it's next to each other, door gate, whatever.

Anyway, so you've got to open one, one the other way. And if a kid's there on his own, which happens to be all the time because it's outside and it's right, and I will legit be like,

you can get fucking back inside, kid. Get inside right now! Well, you always look for the nod of approval. If a kid's about to run under your arm and the parents not flanking the child, you're tripping that kid over. saved your life head budding in

front on yeah and I think like if a kid if a kid runs past four adults one in four okay and to me this

if you were that mum and you've ditched your autistic child I would do you then do you then have a go at the parent and say guys guys

come on come on no I think you and I are very similar but we wouldn't be as direct as that we would have a little dick we'd say something

along the lines of this do you guys mind watching my autistic child while I go and grab my other one off the road that you let out. Yeah. As I peel her off the bitch as I, yeah. And then. Do you guys mind?

And let them go, oh shit, sorry. Because if I go, hey, don't fucking let kids out. I don't tell what to do. But if I passive aggressively, like, you would do the same. Or would you say, would you grab your child and be like, you know you cannot just run out the gate when silly parents open it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Or you walk back in with your kid and go, it's okay, guys, she's alive. she didn't get hit by a car this time next time you don't know and then Ash was crossing his fingers yeah oh wait I forget this is an audio

no we're on YouTube now so sucked in shut out to our YouTube listeners yeah watches same thing okay but yeah that's poor form

if it's one parent and they're carrying a baby or something I'm like okay well they got their own fucking mess but four parents that's fours that's the legs. Well, we don't know that

because they could be disabled. But anyway, let's move on. Let's move on. Francesco. Francesca, life's too short. Well said. And that's the end of the rat.

Life's too short to be a full-time sock detective. Five people live here. Yet somehow, 800 socks with zero matches are lurking in the house like it's their full-time job to disappear. Well said, this person's a creative writer for sure, because unless, Jess, no, no. Yeah, I see that.

At this point, I'm convinced maternity wards need to issue a lifelong sock allocation at birth, like a sort of hat for feet? Wait, wait, wait, like a sorting hat for feet. So the rant here is that she's winging that she can't find two socks at match. I believe so. Where are they going? I don't know. I saw that one on the Facebook group, and I,

bought like a 20 pack of socks. That's too many socks. From Kmart. Right? A week later. Gone. I've got one left. Do you know what that is?

What? It's called over population. Okay. So think about this. How can you have too many pairs? Let me stop you. Please. You have, say you have two pairs of socks, okay, forever.

And you're like, I've got two pairs of socks. You take care of those two pairs of socks. Yeah. Because they're only two pairs of socks. Yeah. Now, if you are. all of a sudden allocated 20 pairs of socks. You don't like, I have the respect for the pairs.

Boom. And you're like, I've always got another pair. And then all of a sudden you do, I've already got, I've got another pair enough times. It changes your mentality. Boom. Yeah. Sox are gone. Like the ration mentality.

Yeah. Ration, not Russian. Ration. Ration. Yes. Ration. Ration. That was close.

Yeah, okay. You get me? I know I get you. Fair pair rant, I would say. Yes. And I don't think there's a solution because kids are. with socks. There's no solution here.

No, Macy the other day, four different socks, okay, on four different limbs. She had sock, right foot, yellow. Sock, left foot, white, frilly. Hands, rainbow sock, and then a fucking pepper pig sock on the other hand. I was like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm going to, she's like, I'm going to Kindy. I was like, well, no, fine. Off you go.

Don't lose those socks. Where are the rest of them? Your place must be really cold. it's freezing and it's full of water she's got crossbite and you're like what's wrong with you she's like I can't feel my limbs get the fuck out of here I know I know she's got different socks on and like three different dresses on she's a nightmare I'm just going to add just really quickly a little parent if I may okay okay I just want to say what is really pissing me off at the moment is the fact that trying to get my kids to eat dinner is honestly it's like it's like

it's like I'm trying to poison them, you know? Yeah. Just every mouthful is near impossible, right? Then it sits in their mouth for like what feels like minutes. Till it's actually disgusting. Days. Like it's just an ordeal. It's just awful.

I'm getting annoyed. They're not eating. There's always like half the food left on the plate to the point where I'm like, do you know what? Stuff it. I'm calling it. Go to bed. Go to bed. And then as I'm getting them to bed,

they're like, we're starving. We're so hungry. It's fucked, isn't it? And two things on this that I've got for you. First one is Macy's doing this thing where if it's like between noodles and rice, she'll say one and then when I give it to her, she'll be like, oh, I want the other one. So annoying. It's like, you said noodles.

I'm not going to go cook rice now. First one. Second one is this very subject, Matthew, I happen to be writing a book on this subject. Yeah. So I'll let you know that. A little teaser. A little teaser on a book about kids not eating their dinner. It's a bloody nightmare.

When's a book come out? To be determined. I love that. To be determined. Should we go on to, well, firstly, just want to say excited for the book. Thank you. And secondly, should we go on to listener questions? We should absolutely go on to listener questions.

Ash, this question is from Emma and she asks, My Child Has a phobia of cheese and butter. Two very good things. It's weird that they have a phobia about this, but she wants to know any phobia tips. Both yellow. Actually, I would love to know, Emma, are there any other yellow items that your child is scared of?

Yeah, they traumatized. But it's weird because, man, those like, my kids will polish off a pack of butter, no problem whatsoever. I would eat a stick of butter. I bet you would. I would rub myself in that butter. I would watch.

No, I won't lick myself. Ew. I would say I would go with. that, you know how, like, our previous generation, they did this thing where it's like, if they caught you smoking, they make you smoke a whole packet of cigarettes. So it would be like, yeah, you don't want to eat that?

Eat this whole stick of butter. Don't move. They'll get over it real quick. Either that or they'll be properly traumatized with the rest of their lives. I was going to say, check your kids cholesterol. Maybe they've got high cholesterol and they just don't realize it. There's no phobia.

It's just their body telling them like, We don't need this right now. They already have the cholesterol sense. Yeah. The collection. Fuck. The collectoral. The cholesterol senses of absolutely peaking.

Exposure. Exposure therapy, Matthew. Go on. It's not unique to cheese and butter. But I believe it's just as successful. Yeah, it's effective. Statistics say that cheese and butter are two of the most delicious things in the world. So they'll get over it.

And how much butter do you need to expose your child to in order to get rid of the phobia? All of it. Like, have kilos? All of it. Whatever all of it means to you? Just completely. Butter them up.

Butter them up and slide them down the hallway. I get into a big bag of cheese. That'll sort it. That'll sort it right out. Maybe they're just health conscious. That is a weird phobia. Sorry, no, I'm not going to hear of judge. No, I will.

I think there's got to be a scientific name for that, that phobia. There has to be. It's called trurophobia. Turo is the irrational or disproportionate fear of cheese. Individuals with this phobia may experience anxiety or discomfort when seeing, smelling or even thinking about cheese. Wow. Phobia's are weird, aren't they?

Let's just sit on this for one sec. I have a friend who is a deathly afraid of bananas. Not even a fucking joke. Won't even go near a banana. And you know, it's even weirder? bananas are yellow. Also, my dad's got a friend who's deathly afraid of tomatoes. Anything to do with tomatoes.

Tomato paste, tomato sauce. Freaks! I mean, that's just... It's weird. Phobia's a weird. It's so weird. It's tomatoes. Come on. Well, and I hope they grow out of it.

Aren't we meant to be like the most, like, advanced species in the fucking world? And then people are like, ah! It's a cherry tomato! Meanwhile, my dog's eating anything off the floor. And you're dumb. All right, man. Let's finish this off with a bit more listener-inclusive question that I put to the Facebook group. And if you're not part of the Facebook group, I've got croup on the mind.

If you're not part of the Facebook group, jump on to Doting Dads. I've been kicked out of the group. Well, I've been re-accepted. Who kicked me out? Jess and I gave you the boot because we asked the people in the Facebook group what you should get for your birthday and to make sure... Oh, you bastards! To make sure you didn't peak, we then removed you.

You were gone for about two weeks. No, I wasn't. Nah, there's a couple of days. Fuck. So I want to tell you a quick little story. In the Facebook group, I said, have you ever caught your kids out on a lie? Which, they lie all the time. They're the worst liars too.

And this came about because Pete from the cafe's kid, he's got two kids, similar age to our. house. Actually, exactly same age to house. It's not similar. The exact same age. They had sex the same week both times. Wow, I thought you were going somewhere else. No, sorry. You and Pete. Me and Pete. We didn't have sex. Sorry. Anyway, so Pete's youngest daughter essentially yelled out to Pete and said, Dad, come upstairs. The eldest has drawn on the wall. And Pete said, okay, well, he couldn't have because he was with me. And she insisted that it definitely was, and what was drawn on the wall was the outline of a hand.

And through sheer, what's that, what am I thinking on? Detective work? Shear detective work. Forensics? Forensics? Or a process of elimination? Sure. His hand, he said, okay, to his oldest, put your hand up.

Line up. Didn't match. Yeah. And he said, all right, young one, put your hand up. You idiot. I know, and she put it up there. And did she have an excuse when she was a perfect match? I think she just cried, ran away.

They're good. They are good. They're good. That's what I do now. And then April's like, who did this? I'm like, ah!

And it led me to believe, like, when, like, when have other parents caught their kids out? What do we got? This is from Georgie. Eldest of two boys, Mack is five, maybe two years ago he lied about pooing in the bath.

Context. I couldn't work out what the smell was in the bathroom for three days. I had asked him multiple times. I was going insane. We were renting. while we were waiting to move into our house. We bought, congratulations. And the bath was one of those corner spa baths, sexy,

from the early 2000s, more like the 90s, that had those jets, you know, those silver jets. Lo and behold, I finally found his massive turd, which had been taken upon, which he'd taken upon himself to stuff and hide in one of the jets. Oh! Oh, kids are fucked. This one is from Rebecca.

Have you brushed your teeth, child replies. Yep. The toothbrush, dry, great sandy desert dry. That is like, that is just the best form of parenting detective work when you're like... Just ask them. Well, exhibit A. Yeah. Or like, we talked about it last week than washing their hands.

and Oscar, just like, I'm like, did you wash your hands? And I saw him walk past where to wash the hand. And he's like, yep. And I'm like, come here. He's like, oh. And he takes him back to the bathroom like, just wash your hand, you grub. This one, last one from Jasmine. Jasmine, she's written a few times.

My son was drinking, sorry. My son was drinking Pepsi Max, no sugar, when he shouldn't be. he would crack a can and leave it in the fridge occasionally drinking it and I found it and he denied it I put it back and put so much turmeric powder in it so he so he'd be sorry when he came back for more I love that that's brilliant I love it when a kid gets semi-poisoned Ashton wicks we better get out of here

we best because we have children pick up oh shit we do too but uh if you've enjoyed this episode we would love it you know what i'd love to do ash i would love to get the reviews on up a podcast spotify humming flying reviews are coming in thick and fast where they're not coming in thick and fast apple podcast i want to hit a thousand reviews we're at like six no seven six eight on apple yeah really i want hit a thousand wow yeah i know so if you ever listened to this episode and you've enjoyed it. I would love it. If you will give us a review

and have a podcast, a couple of stars, a few words. I'm talking like 20 words or less. I'll take it. It just reminds me of those competitions.

It's like, write, tell us about yourself in 20 words or less. I'm like one word. Ash. Gotcha. If you don't want to do that,

then don't know. If you want to join us on socials, you can on Instagram, two-doting dads, Facebook group, two-doning dads, and also, which I'm not a part of,

and also TikTok To Doating with Dads and YouTube And YouTube Watch us on YouTube If you dare If you dare If you dare to watch

Ash, happy birthday Thank you We'll see you guys next week Yeah Bye Bye Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present

and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.