Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #165 Can I Be The Godfather?

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

Apologies in advance for the renovations! Don't be alarmed if you hear them in the background.  Laura, Matty J's wife, has activated "nesting mode" which could mean one thing - baby is arriving soon.  Meanwhile Ash is wrangling the kids before jetting off to the USA for a top secret job.  We also get into your Par-Rants for this week, where you air out your parenting grievances. We also answer your questions:  What do I do about my adolescent child and their peach fuzz!  Who is the disciplinarian in your household ? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Can I send you that chicken pie recipe? Oh, I want that. That was a delightful. You know what's going to blow your mind? The fact that there's no cream in that. There's not cream in it. It's milk. There it is.

Hey? Mate, Mike makes a chicken pie too. It's a chicken and avocado pie. Chicken, what? Yeah, it's delicious. But it's got brie in the thing. I had to have a nap. Like immediately after.

No, no. Dude, milk, a bit of flour. Delicious. That's great. Did you, the pastry? Or is it an open pie? It's pre-made, pre-made, just on top. The pastry bits.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, where were we? Congratulations on the pie. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome back to two-durning dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash.

And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good, it is the bad. And the relatable. And look, Ash, I dare say we may have some new listeners because I have infiltrated, okay? I couldn't tease our tactics because I don't want to blame you the listener. We trust you. But we have been working on getting in behind the scenes at Life Uncut for a while now.

Pretty much since we started. We're in there somehow. And I did a post where I, I was like, hey, everyone in the Life on Cup Facebook group, do you want to come and join our Facebook group at Two Doting Dads? Yeah. The thing is, I had to get Laura to approve the post. Oh, yeah. So did you hack her phone too and approve it?

I put her to sleep. No, I had to give her a half an hour massage. Is that honest? Foot massage? And then, no, she doesn't really like foot massages. She just likes to wash them in the sink. Damn it! She just likes to wash them in the sink.

Yeah. Just a little shoulder rub. Oh. Got in there. we now have an extra 200 members. Makes all the difference. So welcome. And they may be here listening right now.

Let's hope so. If they're not, we'll see you on Facebook. We'll keep working. We'll keep working. Very good. Ash, we need to do some housekeeping. You love housekeeping now.

And I'm liking it at the front end. It's new. It feels like a new segment to me. It pretty much is a new segment. This place is a mess. It needs a song. Yeah. Also, I feel like the poor builders upstairs are working.

slaving away. They are having to go back and forth to the car outside. You may hear their footsteps. They may talk. They may join us on the podcast. They might, yeah. A couple new co-hosts. But don't be alarmed if you hear them walking through the background.

Or if you see them back and forth. Here we go, right now. Where? What? That was quick. How did you get by me without me seeing you? There is. Can anyone hear the drill?

Ghost. I didn't even see him. He was quick. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard booking in trades. You know that. I do.

I do know that. What else we've got to do for housekeeping? Apologize for the trades. Ah, it's your birthday. It is my birthday today. 35 years young. I forgot. You did forget again.

I was going to hold. Very good. Good. Thank you. Yeah. You did forget. You called me. I was doing a poo.

I was doing a poo. Jess, we spoke about, credit to Jess. Did the post on the Facebook. That was lovely. Thank you, Jess. And the Instagram page. We spoke about that. I thanked you in that story post, but I really was only thanking Jess.

Thank Jess. And then after Jess and I spoke, I then called you to bring the trolley. And then I forgot Jess. Immediately. I called Ash to be like, hey, don't forget, bring that trolley over today. And he was like, I know I said, happy birthday, bro. And he was like, what? Oh, fuck.

That's all right. I'm used to it. I apologize. That's right. April forgot too. Oh. No, she didn't forget. She went to the gym.

She came home. She was feeling really nauseous. And she was like, I was having a little lion. Kids were playing and doing something. And she, like, rushes past. She's like, you're going to have to get up. I feel sick. I was like, oh, fuck.

So she's got the squirts. Anyway, then you come. You got the squirts? No, she does. Oh, great. Sorry, babe. She didn't told everyone. That's, what would she eat?

We haven't. we haven't pinpointed what it is. So anyway, she's come back into the room and she was like, then proceeds to tell me about all of her bowel movements over the last 48 hours. She would absolutely hate that you're talking about it right now.

You forget my birthday. This is what's going to happen. I played it cool too because I was like laying there. Oh, Macy, while she was talking and I was like interrupting her on purpose, April and first, I'm like, Macy. And she was looking at me like,

what the of you doing? And I was like, come give your dad a birthday cuddle. And she was like, I was like, man, she was like, oh, I'm so sorry, so I'm like, don't apologize. Was she like mid-squirt while she realized? No, she'd just come back, but she was mid-sentence about squirt. And you're like, don't give me a cuddle after you've been emptying your guts on the toilet. Don't have a shower.

But, yeah, it's cool. It's good. I have another gift. Love this. I have another gift. All of my kids, all of my kids. What are my, what are my Nick Cannon? All of my.

My kids, they gave me everything yesterday because obviously I'm going away today. I was only going to see him this morning. We had lunch and stuff yesterday. And they're just the worst at keeping secrets. Oh, they can't help it. Yeah, it's like, obviously, it gets back in the car from the restaurant. And I cannot express enough, and I'm probably going to regret this, I cannot express enough how much I hate going out to dinner or lunch for my birthday just in case a cake pops out in public. It's the worst.

And I'm like, I said to April, very early. early on our relationship, I said, if you ever get someone to sing me happy birthday at a restaurant, this is over immediately. And she was like, well, now's not a good time. Because guys, come on out. Please be okapela. So, yeah, we did that. And then we get in the car and Oscar's like, oh, I can't wait to go home for cake.

And I'm like, so you got me a cake. And he's like, no. Oh, shit. Yeah, no, yeah. Anyway, it's good, good day yesterday. Yesterday was my family birthday. Today is my actual. Well, mate, it's about to get.

even better because I have a very special message that I can show you on the phone. Oh, hang on a second. One second. Who is it? I'm not going to tell you. Oh, okay. Okay.

Okay. It's hard. Hard to get this message. Wow. Really let me work for it. Go. Before or after his latest concussion? Hey, us, mate.

It's a joke to boy. here. I just want to wish you a happy birthday, mate. Thanks for all your support of the mighty Seagulls. We really, really appreciate it. I'm obviously love trying that buddy hot chili flake or whatever it was a few, a few years ago anyway, mate. Thanks for all your support. Really appreciate it, mate. Keep the funny videos coming and go to the Eagles. Good on you, mate. Have a great birthday. That's amazing. Thank you so much. That's awesome. How does you get that? I don't want to go into too much detail. Now, it was hard. It's hard because he didn't reply to any of my messages.

So I required a favor from another co-host of yours, Aaron Woods. Oh, you went the longest way about that. You were just called Pete from the cafe. They're like best made. Oh, really? Yeah. But I appreciate it. I love that.

It's definitely going up on my socials for sure. There you go. So thank you. You're welcome. I feel spoiled. You should be spoiled because you're a great guy. Do you want to know what April got me and the kids got me? Absolutely.

They got me a $300 Lego set. I'm a child. I'm an F1 car. It's amazing. I can't wait to build it. You are an interesting young man. I know, thank you. I actually really like that.

You really are. Thank you. Whenever I try and put you into a box, I jump out of it. I know. I was funny as I got home and I was like, I had a really bad back from the airplane. And I'm like laying on my back.

And I literally was building the Lego on my back. And I was like, this is the weirdest thing to watch. And I was like, oh, April? We messaged April, being like, What does Ash want? And she's like, I don't know. I have no idea. I'm more of a gift giver.

My love language to people is giving people things. Sorry, I just had to ask the builders to turn the music off, which I just say it. I was like, hey, go fellas. Banga. That's a bang. If you don't mind, just turning off the radio for a second. Yeah, she is. Anyway, back to it.

Hey. Housekeeping. Oh, God, there's a lot. Sorry, I'm just trying to go through my notes. Nana is away. Yes. By now. I'm out of breath.

A few people have asked, does Nana still live here? Yes. I didn't realize I've not put her on my socials for a while. And people are like, is she still alive? Can confirm Nana's still here. She's on a cruise. I don't know where she's gone. There is a photo that I'll show you.

She's with six other 70-year-olds. And she sent a photo of them all at dinner. And I was like, oh, my God, it looks like a retirement home dinner. They're all just like ancient. Are they having a swingers cruise? Reagan? We did that in the family chat. Your mum does look good for 70 though.

Relax. Bro, chill. If I wanted to be disgusting, I would have used disgusting language. Thank you. But I didn't. I used very appropriate mature language. But the day she left, she left on a Thursday last week, Friday morning. I don't know how this happened.

She's in charge of the food pretty much. in the house. Yeah. So she like, she manages stock levels of the food. She's a stock repacker. She's what she is now. She left on a Thursday night.

To my knowledge, the fridge was full, the pantry was full, and I swear to God, Friday morning woke up, no milk. No cereal, Nutra grain.

She took it with that, but I was like, crumbs. I was like, the kids are going, what are we going to eat? The place was empty. Oh, my God.

God, it's the worst. So the laundry, it's a mess, it's piled up. How long did she gone for? She's back this coming Friday. Thank God. Everyone to be starving by then. Yeah, look, whenever we wake up and I've forgotten to get bread the next day and like the kids love toes, I'm like,

nightmare. Keep bread in the freezer. Housekeeping continues. You're off this afternoon. I am very special. Go to L.A., who are you shooting with? Who is it? I'm actually not last night.

Oh, for God's sake. I'm not allowed to say. Well, fine. That's fine. We'll see it soon. It's a very high-level NBA player, ex-NBL player. NBA players.

So we'll figure that out. There's heaps of them. But you'll know. He's got a personality, so. Is you tall? You have some other news. Yeah. Which,

this may be the beginning of the end for us. Well, how? Why? Because there's a little bit of tension in the air. Is it? Mm. I didn't know you felt like this. Yeah, I mean, not sure how to bring this up with you.

I feel like this is a bit, the genuine sadness. Because, yeah, it's a little bit. It's awkward. It's awkward. For you, maybe, not for me. Because we didn't realize it, but we went for the same job. Yeah, we wouldn't have even known until I was like, I just had this meeting with these people.

And you're like, yeah, that meeting soon. I was like, well, good luck. There is a TV show, and they needed a funny guy. Yeah. And I was up for the role. You were up for the role. Yep. This is awkward now.

And we can't tell you what the show is. Nope. Ash, when does it come out? I don't know. But I will be on Saturday nights, 7.30. Channel 7. That's about as much as I can say. And then I got the call to.

say I didn't get the job. Who called you? Our manager? You share the same manager? It was funny. I spoke to you first and just said, hey, I just wanted to let you know I apparently got this part. And you're very supportive, as I would be for you.

Oh my God. Okay. And then she rang me back. Well, she rang me back and said, I've just got to call Maddie and tell him the bad news. I said, don't worry, I've already done it. Yeah. Wow. No, I just, you know, when I first met you, I brought you into this world of media. You know, I was, I was training you up. Little did I know you would turn around and stab me in the back.

I didn't stab you in the back. Hang on. Oh, okay. What am I going to do, relinquish the job? No, I would have thought you would have replied and said to them, I cannot take the job because it would ruin the relationship with Matt. That's what I would have done. Well, you thought wrong. Look, honestly, it's just fair competition, man.

Yeah, now that you've got a mortgage. I know, yeah. I'm like, I've got a mortgage, please. Yeah, but we'll see. It could be a flop. No, congratulations. I mean, I hope it is. Oh, my goodness.

Your true colours are really showing. So, you know what's funny, though, when I talk to people about it, I always strong in that. I beat man out on this one. And there I was like, yeah, got it. Got one out of all of the other jobs. I'm turning the knife now. I'm sorry.

You just may as well spit on me when I'm in my grave. As long as you're happy. As long as you're happy. You wish I'd spit on you. More housekeeping. This is just awkward now. Ash is an asshole. It's on my notes.

Lola Goodenie French. Tell me about this fringe. What sort of, is there a name for it? Like a particular type? Jess, I'm going to look at you. Is it bangs? Is that bangs? She doesn't have bangs.

It's a fringe, isn't it? Is it like a, the same thing? Is it like a, boom? Flat, like a level, like a bowl. It's not like a level. It's kind of like a bit to the side. Oh. Yeah.

Like the Veronica's had back in the day. Yeah. Cool. Like, I used to have that. Shout out to Carla, who is a good friend of ours in our household. She's a makeup artist who all. also has the ability to cut hair. Very good.

She cut Marley's fringe back in the day. And she was over, giving Mom a hand, looking after Lola. I had to leave the house to go get Marley. And in that time period, it must have been about five minutes. I missed my phone. I wasn't checking it. I looked at my phone, lots of messages. Fringe was thrown around a number of times.

And I came home and there it was. Hair on the floor. Lola looking at me with a fringe. So Nana had taken it upon herself to green light the fringe. You don't like it? No, well, that's a very good question. It is hard to be like, I've known you with this hairstyle your whole life. And then you come home and you're like, who is this child?

It's like, it's like a different kid. I look at Law and I'm like, I don't even know you anymore. You're going to be careful with fringes. And this is why I say that my mother-in-law, who I love very much and I respect very much, I say that before this comes out of my mouth, She has a fringe Yeah Since same fringe

Since she was a child Well that's a thing I'm like will Will this be it And I always say to April Gee you dodged the fringe Well that's Say Marley

Marley was growing out of the fringe I just want it back now And then she's gone back to the fringe She was like clawing out of the like The trenches of fringes And then now she's smack bang In the centre of that crater It must be nice to have options though

Like she's got options to grow Different hairstyle I've stuck with the one, which is just either too much hair and you can't do anything with it or bald, shaved. Not far off. But people had messaged and they were like, you didn't even announce the fringe. She's just all of a sudden on your socials with a fringe. Do you have to announce a child's fringe? Well, apparently you do.

I didn't realize it was required to be announced. So that's why I'm announcing to you. And we're announcing to everyone else is listening. In case you come over and you're like, who was this random four-year-old? And I'm like, that happens to be Lola with a fringe. Wow. I can't wait to see it, actually. Because it's like, I know like with Oscar cutting his hair, when it's really long, it's like, it's like a, like a latchkey kid.

And then when I cut it, he just like looks like a different kid. It's wild. So anyway, congrats on the fringe. How are you, my friend? Good. By the way, that's housekeeping finished. Oh, all good. I have finished the housekeeping.

Thank you. I'm glad that it's over. Do you want to talk about how clean it looks? It does look clean. It's awkward. It looks clean. Don't sit down anywhere. You make a mess.

Okay. All right. Let's move on. How am I? I'm good. The family were sick the last couple of weeks. Sucked in. We can't go to this whole episode of you like this.

Why? How do I make it better? You're going to be a star. Anyway, so a bout of sickness. Oscar had a couple days off school, which is never good as a bill to passers me. Shout out to the Tyler's. You want a great job upstairs. Keep it up.

I've lost my train of thought. Sorry. Everyone's sick. You're dying. We're all dying. Oscar was particularly sick, like really bad cough. This time of you, he usually had was a croop or whatever. But it was like really, really bad.

He kept him at home for two days at the back end of a week, which is fine. It goes into it. Can I just say, I'm very sorry that you guys are experiencing this. That's brutal. It is brutal times. No one deserves this. No, everyone's at school. Back now, we're on the end.

That's the main thing. But Oscar was crook for a few days, too. It was like, fuck, he needs to see a doctor. You know, like usually you can rest it out. And also, kids don't understand when they're home to rest, they need to rest. Come back out to the living room in Oscar's fucking got an obstacle course going. I'm like, Jesus Christ, come on. I wonder why you still sick.

We had to go to the doctor and they said, you need to do the, like, the influenza test and stuff like that, which is the same as the old COVID test, which does them all. Up the schnoz. And just the flashback. And I was going to ask you, do you remember having to give Marley or Lola a COVID test back in? In the middle of the pandemic, because it's such a weird sensation up there, even for an adult. Yeah. Because we had Macy, like, in the mix of COVID.

There was a lot of testing going on because we had to go to hospitals and go to different appointments. You've just got to test every second day. And same with Oscar. And it was such a nightmare because... Well, it depends on who you went to. Sometimes they were very delicate and they were very gentle. And then sometimes they were just like, you know, a night on the back of a horse with a, what's it called? I don't know that's sword

A jousting stick A jousting stick Thank you So I'm talking about the one at home When you do it at home Yourself to get the negative So you can be like It's so hard to know

Like how deep to go in Yeah That's what she said God you're terrible Okay anyway I just remember having to do with Oscar And he wouldn't He refused

So I had to remember Having to pin him down To do it And it was traumatising Because he'd be like You know when you put like Medication In a dog's mouth

and you hold their mouth shut and try and get it. And then like, flying around. That's what he'd be like. And I'm like trying to poke this thing up his nose for long enough. It's a two-man job as well. I know. I remember once April had his arms and legs and I had, I had his head between my knees.

And I was like, like, oh, my God. And it was like, ah! Like, just like full red, like, eyes watering. And I, it's because I know the feeling, right? because we had to do it too, but because we were adults, but he just didn't understand what was going on. And the next second, you're like, kidding, bring it in. It's so confusing.

I was like, you can't leave the house unless we do this. One second, you're torturing them. The next thing, you're like, we're all normal again. Anyway, so we had to do that. But this one, the new ones, have you seen them? It's good, which is handy because then you don't have to do it. It's like a bingo card almost. Yeah.

Thankfully, he was negative in the whole lot. But it just got me thinking about that. Thank God. Thank goodness. Wow. But it just got me, just, yeah, remember. Flashbacks. You keep saying you want to have another pandemic.

You don't love a pandemic. Every time there's like a massive, like bird fluids coming back in China, you're there, your mouth, like, salivating. I'm promoting it. Yeah. There was someone that actually died of a bat infection in Sydney. And I was like, here we go. They definitely put him down.

They were like, we don't want anything to spread. Let's just get rid of this one. His family. They're probably listening. They're probably listening right now. Well, he should have known better. Didn't eat a bat. Let's be honest.

I think it bit him. Did it? Anyway. Oh, fuck. Anyway, so we're on the end and that's good. I just want to give you a little update on how things are going with pregnancy. Number three, we are on the home stretch. You're going to be a dad soon.

Thank you. Thank you. I'm excited for you. It feels really, really, really strange. Like, yeah. Dad, Matt, with a newborn, to me is completely. erased from my memory to go back there it seems so yeah i don't know like i um macy sometimes she'll poo in her nappy in bed because she's always a nappy in bed and i'm like so last night was

one of those nights and i had to change the nappy and i'm like i thought i had moved on from this you're going straight back dude i know i know it's weird even like now laura will say oh poppy's really wriggling around do you want to feel put my hands there and i'm feeling these kicks coming through and I'm thinking, God, in like less than seven weeks, six weeks by the time this episode comes out, I'm going to have you in my arms. It just blows my absolute mind. But upstairs, I gave you a few messages on the weekend, by the way, about you're going to take that couch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Laura was like, it just clicked into gear. She's like, we need to get this place ready now. It was funny. I think you put a story up over the

weekend, but it was, it wasn't obvious what you were doing, but I decoded it pretty quickly. We did four bags to the salvos, and she was also like, when is Ash going to take that couch? And I was like, well, he only said yes that day. And then you're coming over, you're going straight to the airport after this record. And I was like, I don't think he can take it. Check it in. Like, after the record.

Yeah. And she was like, put it on Facebook marketplace now. How dare she? I was like, can I just give like Ash a week to pick it up? Literally. Just a word of warning. When you come back, you have one week to collect that couch. otherwise it is gone.

That is not fair. Well, dude, I'll call Laura. You tell Laura. I will. And you complain because we now need to get that room set up. I'll work on it. We don't have anything. We don't have, we don't have a pram.

We don't have baby clothes. We don't have bottles. We have nothing. We don't have anything. We don't have a crib. You've got a couch. The other day, I was like, I was like trying to go to sleep. I was like, trying to go to sleep.

I was like, that's going to be a dad again oh dude i know and even to top it all off just when i'm like gosh there's going to be a lot of my plate right now laura has thrown out the fact that on the chopping block right now is the name poppy you're not allowed to change it because i have a bet going with april that you won't and i'm going to be very upset if you change it and i heard on the their radio show with it. Is she talking about on the radio show? Yeah.

What did she say? She's like, it's sort of losing it's like, like, no, she was like, you know, when you're like. It's losing its, what, sparkle? Yeah, a little bit like, not as that, like, they were talking about, do we continue with it? You know what I mean? Do you think, be honest.

Yeah. Were we too premature with picking the name? Absolutely. Fuck. But I've put, I've put it, I've put my neck on the line here. Saying that I won't change it? Yeah. April was like, they're going to.

change it. I'll change it. I have a feeling they'll change it. And I was like, they're not. I was so sure of it that I was like, I'll put a little wager on it. Because why not? It's a bit of fun. What's the wager? I can't remember what she has to do for me if I win, but I know that if she wins, I have to go attend a gym class with her. Oh my God. That's how confident I was. You're going to CrossFit? High Rocks.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to fluff my out of it somehow, but it, yeah, don't change it. Well, it's not up to me. It's the boss. Very true. It's the boss. It's what she wants to do. So what I need to do is convince you to keep it, convince her to keep it.

And I think, I don't know if there's helped or hindered, but we watched trolls on the weekend. And Princess Poppy. And I think that gave her the ick. Right. I don't know. I feel like I just need a good Poppy to come in front of us to really just like, Locked down, just that poppy is a good thing. I need to have a good person attached to the name.

I love the name. Yeah, good. I originally said you should call it muffin because that is cute. But it's more of a dog's name or a cat or a pet of some description. But Poppy, love it. Love Poppy. What's the middle of doing in? Poppy Pearl.

Poppy Pearl Johnson. I love it. Hang on. I'm trying to find a famous Poppy. While you do that, and I'll keep talking to the listeners really quickly, have you thought about Godfathers? No, we don't have any God parents. Would you like one?

What do they do again? They talk like that. I don't know what they do. If there's a horrific accident and you lose your lives and the kids need, I guess another adult in the lives, that becomes my response. responsibility if I'm to be elected. Who were the godparents of your children? I don't have any. Okay. Can I just, a god parent, also known as a godfather or godmother, is someone chosen to guide and support a child, particularly in their spiritual development

within a religious context. Really? While this role has historically included assuming parental responsibilities if the parents pass away, this is not a legal obligation. Instead, said godparents act as mentors, role models, and sponsors of their child's faith journey. The movies were definitely not like that. It was way more violent than that. So I retracted if there's going to be any violence. Do you think being a godparent is related to the movie Godfather?

Isn't that right? Are you? What do you mean? Wait, no. Whoa. Hang on a second. Whoa. Hang on a second.

There is a movie called The Godfather. You know that. Absolutely. But that's not in relation to like being a god parent. Isn't it? Oh my God! What? Isn't that what he, isn't that?

I've never actually seen it. Do you think the godfather film is based upon a godfather parent? I just thought the mobster was the godfather of all these people. Okay. I don't like being made fun of. That was real. And now I feel stupid. So thank you.

A little bit. Okay, well, now I've rethought my whole thinking. Go on. I still want to be the godfather. If that means I can off people and throw a lavish wedding. Do I want Poppy to be mentored by you? Yes. Ash Wicks.

Yeah. Oh, I am the great mentor. Come on. We start a particular... Take her of many different industries. That's good. I've got experience. I've got life experience.

What can you offer? Not a lot. Look, I am a dad already. Okay. If I announce you as godfather. I will own that title until I die. What's the process? Is it just like a you are the godfather?

Yeah, it's just like you need to announce it. I want to call Laura right now. I can't make this decision without her input. I need to call it. I can't call her right now because she's doing a podcast record. Can I leave it? it. Just leave it with you. Can I let it marinate? Yeah. And I think, I think, yeah, if I need to be interviewed for the process between you and Laura,

then I'm happy to do so. There will have to be some type of, like, test. Oh, yeah, for sure. I thrive in that sort of environment. Do you? No. Matthew, it is time for a segment called Perrant. Play the song. Man, I feel like a parent. Hey! May I just jump in front of you really quickly. Okay, this one is from Julia. She sent this one over the weekend.

Julia, thank you for following us on Instagram at Two Dirtying Dads. She says, pair rant, please, in brackets, love the pod. I'm three months into the trenches of two under two. Obviously, finding activities to entertain my toddler is, challenging, but the two seconds she sits in the sand and gets covered in sand is not worth the sand she brings back into the house and the full outfit change that follows.

Sand is the worst. I did that video remember when I was like... Sand in the shoe. Sand in the shoe. I turned him upside down and shook him a bit. And all these sand comes out of orifice's I didn't know he had, like pockets and also... Does Oscar have a sandpit at school?

No. No. Thank God. I know, I know. This was just like a two minutes at the park. No, do you know what it was? He walked through the sand pit to get to something else he wanted to play with. And it pretty much came home with Bondi Beach. Yeah.

A fucking nightmare. Anyway, Sarah says she spelled parent wrong, so that's good. Don't attack the listeners, bro. Well, if, yeah, whatever. Actually, we spelled it wrong, if anything. This is from Sarah. When the grandparents leave on a nine-month trip around Australia and just expect I'll stay home

and look after their grandchildren. So selfish. I don't know what we do without Frank. Mum's gone for the week and I'm like, when will it end? Sink the ship. Get her back here straight away. It's on the next flight.

I saw the other day someone said, it's so funny, you become a parent and you start asking your parents if you're allowed to go out again, like out at night. Yeah. Do you think you'll be a head? on grandparent?

Oh, no, I'm swear. No, I probably will. I say that. I mean, I'm a softier at heart. You know that. You're not. I know.

You're a cold-hearted, bastard. Cold-hearted job stealer. This one's from Lorry. Lorry, Lorry. I can never pronounce people. Lory. Other parents at the playground

let their kids be absolute menaces, pushing, hitting, screaming, etc. While they sit there with their mates, having a cold beverage, turning a blind eye to their child's behavior. Yeah, dude.

You know where it really pisses me off? There is a little park, an indoor park at the pub at Clavelli Hotel. It's very narrow, okay? And it's more of like an obstacle course. We've got one of those. And it's like there's no real option to play in this little indoor park except like you start at the start of the obstacle course and you work your way through and there's like the slides and there's boys that run.

And I don't want to attack the boys here. Go on. But like the little 10-year-old boys. Jack. And they're just, Jack is in there. Jack and Billy. They are just turbo. And I remember Marley and Lola when they were younger.

And they were, you know, like slowly making the way through there. And they'll get bowled over. And I was like, I'm going to knock these kids' heads off. The worst thing about that sort of type of playground is when that happens and they get bowled over because, you know, there are little kids in there. And then you've got to go in to rescue. And you're going to go in. I don't fit. and it's like try and explain to a small child who's hurt

that I can't get in there because I'm too fat to fit in there and they just don't they're like so get in it's like and I have climbed into some before and got stuck so yeah how many beers did you have before you climbed in 10 but yeah it's honestly I cannot stand actually just on that really quick there he is what do you got for me This just happened on the weekend.

I went to... Hot up the press. I went to Melbourne for a lunch, okay? I'm in a nice restaurant with people, having a lovely time. Can I just ask, you went there for lunch and you came back a day later? My flag were cancelled. I've got receipts. I got cancelled.

But anyway, I'm having a conversation with someone like across from me like this. Love that. Having this conversation and, you know, like something shined in my eye. Like, you know how when like someone gets a mirror and shines the love? light. Yeah. I felt that. I thought it must have just been a passing car.

Hit the sun perfectly. What about that? No. Happened again. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And I looked over to the corner and then the table on a corner was a family and their kid. The mirror? What do you have?

He had a watch, right? He was about 10 years old. And he was doing it on purpose. Yeah. And I just, I stopped this conversation and I was like, oh, do it again. And he was like, and like completely stopped. his parents were oblivious to the whole situation. I know, they're right next to a window, and it kept going in my eye anyway.

What would you have done if he did it one more time? Punch the shit out in. I would have, I would have addressed it properly with the parents. We're wearing a two doting dad's shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have walked over and I would have said, hey, your kid, that shithead, you call a kid, keeps shining a mirror in my eyes. I'm going to send you the bill for the optometrist.

Do you remember when Ash before called himself a big old softie? I know someone says to me You contradict yourself so much I'm like I know I can't help him I'm just a big soft to your heart I would have strangled that child And watch the life exit his eyes Have you ever seen the life leave a child's body

Yeah so anyway That just happened Keeping people guessing Yeah Keeping him guessing Who am I It was a proper like It was I spoke to him

Like I would speak to Oscar If Oscar was doing something really naughty I'd be like, do it again. Like the full elbow on the table. Wow. I'm not going to lie. Kind of hot. Thank you.

That's what his mum said. Oh, yeah. No, he didn't. She wasn't my type anyway. This is the last one. Okay, cool. From Tegan. Tegan's a lovely name.

Tegan is a great. Nah. That's my ex-girlfriends, one of my ex-girlfriend's names. No, I feel like it's an older generation. Yeah. It's like, it's like Barbara. Barbara. Barber is like the boomer generation. Tegan is millennial.

Yeah. Wouldn't work. Tegan, no offense. You need to name your kid up to. Oh my God, they're reading out my pair around. And we're just like, the nobs crap. Just bashing her name. It's like you've got to call your kid after like an exotic fruit or something to keep harbors.

What does that mean? What does that mean? The new generation of kids are they like... Well, whatever name I give it, I'm sure you'll steal it. So fine. How'd you know? What am I going to give it to? I've got a sec from you, bro.

It's going to rename it. my kid, poppy. This one's from Teigen. What is it with boys and weeing? I feel like it's a no-win situation. My son cannot pee in the bowl. It always ends up all over the seat, floor and even the wall.

I think I know what the problem is. I'll get to it once a second. It's going to be three weeks in a row. We're going to mention your sick skin. If visitors come over and need to use the toilet, I find myself doing a mad dash before they walk in to check if my son has been in there and made a mess. Recently, he started doing his morning wee outside, which I was all for as it's one less

pissy toilet I have to clean. But he has now ruined a beautiful turf because he seems to have one favorite spot to whee. It's like a dog. And it's now a dirt patch in that area. I cannot win any advice. And no, I'm not up for the ping pong business. I would say, just check the length of his fourie. I honestly, I'm not trying to be funny here.

but maybe Tegan doesn't know my story I'll tell it very quickly like two seconds this is going to be like my birth story you're like no more telling this story I know this is I have like I'm allowed like once a month I have similar thing I had too much foreskin I got to cut off since then

only a couple of drips in the toilet seat there you go eh that's the solution I would I really resonated there watch him we watch him we watch him we watch him we not you Tegan okay sorry you watch him we as like that's weird

what does Oscar do Oscar's, we had that conversation where he was peeing on the seat, putting the seat down, putting him back up, just a mess. He's starting to get it, but I noticed that he definitely, we only got one bathroom in this house, which is irritating. It's so annoying. But I noticed in the corner of like our front deck, the deck is like a right angle and there's it's grass underneath it.

It's all dead now. So he's just been pissing off the corner there. I feel like everyone has a part in their house. It's a piss spot. The back, back, right-hand side, when the girls want to go outside, I've done some weeding and I'm like, these weeds stink of piss. It's funny how like it kills the grass and shit too sometimes. It's like, what are you eating?

What are you drinking? It's like acid. Ash, time for questions. Yes, I love it. You want to go first. Okay. Megan, this is from the Facebook group. I did a call out.

Great response. That's good. I love that. Great response. And she says, right-o, good start. very Aussie. Raleigh! So, as two grown-ass men who have beards and moes,

what were your thoughts at 13 slash 14 years of age? The lad is entering that, okay, so her kid is entering that phase and well seems unfazed. Did your mums get you into shaving or did you ask? I had this really distinct memory. I think I was about nine when I took my dad's razor and I tried to shave myself. Obviously, I didn't have any facial hair.

I just thought, I want to see what all the fuss is about. Yeah, that's fair. And I cut myself all over. Oh, I did not the same thing, but I had a similar, like, outcome where I, like, didn't really know what it was and ran my finger along the blade. And I was like, what is this? To be honest, I wanted facial hair. So bad. So bad.

Oh, my God. It was like, all right. the point where it was like, how do I grow it faster? Oh, dude. Like, what do I do? I think the, I swear to God, the fact that I wanted it so bad made it come so much later. I know. And I was just saying, I don't even remember starting.

I'm pretty sure I actually started shaving like after I'd moved out of home. I did. I was like 19. Yeah. And it was like, it was pathetic on my face for so long. Still even, if you notice like with me, I really only ever keep them. moustache all the time. Yeah.

Sometimes I'll go a bit longer, but that's any more than that, and it's like, bing. So I'm like, oh, no, it's not for me. So I don't, it's funny because, like, in TV. Did your dad teach you? Well, that's what I'm saying, in TV and all these stuff. Sorry, I got a bit of music by my, and that's delicious. They're always depicting it's like, it's like the, the rite of passage to hand down the shaving.

It's like, no, it's not. Like, if I pulled Oscar aside to say, come here, young fella. I'm going to teach you how to shave. And someone's like, don't put sharp blades near your child. And it's like, well, he doesn't have a beard. Not yet. He doesn't. And it's like, I don't know how often that would have actually happened.

Whether it was like, I know that my dad would have just avoided every awkward, hygienic, bodily function conversation our whole lives. And it's like, there's no way he was teaching me out of shave. You're cutting your fingers off. They're like, help me. Yeah. He's like, no. He's like, I don't want to get involved.

I've got my own face to shave. I remember my younger brother, I think he must have been like 19. And I was, you know, five years older. You were shaving. And I remember saying to him, his pubic hair, he was getting changed for the pool. And his pubic hair kind of came out. And it was. Like a bush.

It was, yeah. I was like, holy sugar. I was like, what is that thing? And he's like, what, bro? That's my, that's my. pubicare. And I was like, I've never seen anything like that. That was thick. It was a lot like a forest. Like a pokeybine. And I was like, have you ever trimmed that thing? And he's like, shave. What do you mean? And I was like, you got to shave down there. Like trim it.

And he like, it was just didn't know. That's a more important question, Megan. I think face shaving, not as critical. Puberous shaving, much more critical in life. Teach him. Teach him young. Teach him. Anyway, very good question. What are you doing? In your household, Who was a disciplinarian? Oh, in mine. No, the guy behind you. When I was Tyler. He's like, watch that.

He's not three kids. Does he? He's young. Oh, no, he's, no, the one with three kids. He's not come down yet. There's three of them up there. How many are you keeping up there? It's like a clown car.

It's definitely me. I know April, this is the thing, right? I'm more of a consistent authoritative, But then every now and then when mum gets cranky, it's way more serious. And I feel like that would be a lot with the household. Like everyone's household, there's that sort of dynamic. I just feel like it's such an easy win to be the favourite when you're not disciplining. And I know that's the wrong thing.

No, that's completely right. Yeah. But at the moment, we're really trying to not let the kids sleep in our bed because baby's coming in a few weeks. And last night, I don't really. remember doing this, but Marley would always come in and snuggle with me. And I love it. It's such a nice little moment, like waking up, snuggling your child.

Beautiful. Yeah. Lovely. And this morning, I kind of realized in my sleep, I'd let Marley come into my side. And I had to like try and hide her from Laura. And then she'd make a noise. I'd be like, shut hell up. We're going to get caught.

Yeah, yeah. And then Laura was like, hang on a second. Pulls a sheep back in. Marley's like So good, yeah. So is Laura the more... Oh, yeah. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I, the argument right now in our household is the fact that I need to be more proactive with saying no and disciplining. Because I just kind of, I take a step back. You could go with a tie to be. And then Laura will like leave the room and I'm like,

God, she's a nightmare, isn't she? I know. She's awful. I got this thing where it's like, I just don't want the kids jumping on the couch. Like, it messes the couch up. I've got to clean it. It's really annoying.

So I'm always like, don't jump on the couch. But I notice when I'm not in the room, and April's in the room, and the kids are jumping on the couch, she says nothing. And I'm like, we need to be united. And she's like, oh, sorry, I wasn't. And her excuse is always the same. Oh, I didn't see it. Bullshit.

Bullshit, you just couldn't be bothered having it. You much rather be the favorite. And that's right. We're at lunch yesterday. The kids were all over. Oh, God. And she was like, what's it? I really set them off.

She was like, what's, she was like, what's it like to have space? I'm like, well, it's actually kind of nice because I actually discipline the children. And she was like, what? But it's definitely me But if April kicks off Like if you get a Yeah Oh yeah

You better look out Yeah Yeah Pets a punch Okay And on that note My sister's walked in Because she is our next record

Busy day Busy day today So let's wrap this up If you enjoyed this episode We would love it Oh don't look at the time No I was just checking out How much I was about

You actually because you have a flight So I'll wrap it up Enjoy the episode of you A couple of stars. Yeah. Join us on socials, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook group, Beaming, and also YouTube now. And YouTube, full episodes.

Yeah, enjoy. I think. You've been a great job. And we will see you guys next week. Bye. Without builders. Yes. In the house on.

Apologies. Sorry about that. We'll get out of here. See you. Bye. Do you want to blow your nose, big guy? No, no, that's good. That's good.

Okay. I can feel, do you know what I was saying to Jess before? Every morning of late, my sinus has been so bad. But by like midday stuff, I can, it starts to open up. And I can just, I'm feeling it open up right now. It's better than sex. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.