Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #167 Is It Normal To Keep A Used Pregnancy Test?

Episode Date: August 26, 2025

The Johnson/Byrne household is holding on to a positive pregnancy test. Is this normal? Meanwhile, Ash has received a gift from a friend...5 years after the fact! What is it and why did this happen? We also get into your Par-Rants for this week, where you air out your parenting grievances. We also answer your questions:  Worst things you can't say to a poor old parent!  How do you genuinely ask for help? COME TO OUR LIVE SHOW SEP 4 IN SYDNEY!!!! https://tinyurl.com/22zht3ac  REGISTER HERE, TICKETS ARE FREE AND VERY LIMITED! BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I don't know if you noticed they took a phone call outside after midway through a phone call that we were around together outside. You're taking phone calls left, right and centre. Who was it? April. It was April. She had to go to the Kindy because Macy had a tick and they're not allowed to remove it. So April had to drive down to the kindergarten.

I just removed the tick. I know. The bloody red tape. She rings me up and she goes. Hang on, hold that thought. Welcome back to two-dating dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash.

And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the related. There he is. We don't give advice. The tick. We don't.

The tick. So she rang me and she said, I've got to go. And top of the situation. I'm like, okay. And she's like, I don't know how to use this machine that she has. What do you mean the machine?

Like the tick removal? Use your hand. No, because if your head stays in there, it keeps burying. And she's only little. Fucking helmet. Sorry, sorry, I shouldn't swear. You shouldn't, but fuck. Like, just, we're growing into a weak, pathetic race, aren't we?

Go on? Like, there's a child there being attacked, mauled by a tick. Do you just mean the human race? And everyone's like, I can't touch it. It's against policy. Macy's like, please, help me. April gets her, and she's like, do you have the tick removal? machine? Oh, it's not charged.

All right, we'll just give it a second. Poor Macy is just getting attacked. Well, we had a machine ourselves in case of such incidents. What is a Tick removal machine? I think it just removes it safely so it takes the head with it. I've never seen such a thing. Me either. And she rang me just like, how do I use it?

I'm like, I don't know. I'm like, she was like, well, can you talk me through it? I was like, no. YouTube it. Like, seriously? Macy goes, please. I'm in North Bondi. right now.

Take the tick away. I don't know how to you. I've never used it. So anyway, that just happened. I was going to say watching through ads because she doesn't have premium on YouTube. Wait, let me skip! But she's going to let me know how. So I'll keep you updated if I get a call, but everything seems to be fine.

But first tick encounter for young Macy, poor thing. That's exciting. And she's fragile. She's not. She's robust. She's a silent assassin. This is strengthening her. Oh, yeah.

This is all about building the immune system. Absolutely. It's a good thing. It is. Yeah, I think she'll be... More ticks. Have you ever had a tick on your nuts? Hmm.

Very good question. I don't believe I have. I've had chlamydia. Nice. But no... That's because you've... Coalas. Sorry.

We're not allowed to swear, oh, God. We're not allowed to swear. We can't... I'm a peacock, you've got to let me fly! We're not allowed to swear because... YouTube. Well, we can beat those out.

But for our listeners who just go with audio... Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Thank, sorry, Jess. Poor Jess right now. Just looking at the, at a time, skyrocketing. I had a tick on my nuts when I was in primary school one time. Blew up like a balloon. Did you remove it with a tick machine or who got rid of it?

I don't remember. Oh, you can't start a story like that. I'm trying to let, well, it was definitely a doctor. I'm not at my mum, need my nuts. But I remember, I was like, my nuts are sore. And then I took him out of my pants and I was like, whoa! They were like, huge. Anyway, that's that story.

Housekeeping. We have housekeeping. We have housekeeping. We have, thank you. All right. We've got a lot of mail in the letter box that we need to get through. But first of all, we are under attack. We are.

Right now. I don't like it. Not from Ticks, but from another podcast. Yes. And they're listeners, I would say. I'm being attacked for a similar reason, but it's a bit more disgusting. But you tell your attack what you're being attacked by, and then I'll just bat on the back of that.

Well, a certain conversation that I have with my wife, which I thought was a private conversation. Right? She said, can I talk about the vasectomy chat? And I said, I can't really remember what I said. It was a while ago. You're like, make sure you can paint ash in a really bad life at the end. Attack ash, not me.

And it was about the fact that we're not going to have a fourth. I was going to say third child. I was like, a bit late. And Laura said, can you get a vasectomy? Okay. And I said, let me just like, what is, what is, what is this thing? You need to research. I want to do my research.

It's your body. Yeah, like if I buy a car, I'm going to call it the dealership. I'm going to find out the engine size. That's a lie. You don't walk into a dealership, they're like, do you want to lose your nuts? Yeah. Like straight away. Like, ease in.

I said, I just need to do my research. There was a slight bit of hesitation. Sure, I admit that. Yeah, it's an invasive surgery. It's life changing. Permanent. They say when you do the process I can't listen to the room

Yeah, yeah We need to be careful When you do What's what you say When you do the process The doctor does say to you I just want you to understand This is considered

An irreversible procedure That's what they do say Word for word So if any one wants to come after you I have been in the seat And heard it word for word And people Ash this was cut down to a video

It was posted online I asked Matt if he would get a vasectomy. It didn't go down as well as I thought it was going to go down. Like I thought that Matt and I were very much on the same page around like this is the third baby is it. We are done. He wants more. No.

I think that they have this thing where they're like, it makes me more manly, more powerful. Must retain my power sperm. Yeah, they feel maimed. This conversation angers me. Yeah. So I said to him, okay, once the baby's born, would you go and have a vasectomy? And his response was, oh, I actually don't. know, hey. And I was like, what do you mean? You don't know? And he was like, well, you know,

just like the effects on your body. And I was like, oh, if we're going to talk about the effects on the body? I was like, how about we talk about the 17 years that I was on the pill for, then talk about the three pregnancies, then talk about metapause. Can anyone who has had a successful vasectomy and they're absolutely frivoled about it, please slide into his DMs and tell him that this is going to be the best decision he ever makes for his entire life. Because I just think he needs the encouragement. And I've been called all sorts of names under the Sata. A pussy, a loser, guilty, but I don't need to hear it on social media.

I think you're allowed to take your time to make the decision. And I'm just, I will, look, I'll do it. I will do it, okay? I want it to cross all the T's and dot all the eyes. You've got to ease into it. Thank you. You can't just run headfirst into it without any sort of research like me. I'm not even wearing a helmet.

I didn't even think about it. did it to try and get sex. And that, my friend, is genius. That's how we operate. That is how we operate. So, yeah. And, yeah, I just think, I think for, well, also to the doters out there, where were you guys? Fully, no one's got your back.

What are you doing, sitting back watching me get attacked? Do you know what they were doing, they were laughing at how three fully grown women were laughing about the fact that my penis was infected. Yes. Yes. I never said infected ever. If you go back to the past What'd you say? What's wrong with you?

It was bruised. I guess I went on a bender. Yes, that was irresponsible. I think I told Laura, got infected. You fuck. Are you serious? Anyway, I had three grown somewhat attractive women. They're laughing at you, bro.

Laughing at me to my face. And they actually sent me the video to be like, hey, can you approve this? Ben, knowing full well that I would have been intoxicated. Don't message Ash till 9 o'clock on Friday You can have whatever you like at that time Yeah, Ash, you've got naked photos approved Yeah, well yeah

The Daily Mail's got a bunch of naked photos I'm like, fuck it, whatever It's fine, if you need some more It was that Are you okay? Have you been copying it? Oh no, that's fine Okay, well, for the record People are laughing at me in the streets

But it's probably for other reasons I'm glad that we're in housekeeping, Matthew because I have some Oh, what do you got big guy? I've got my broom, no. Anyway, that was shit. That was fantastic. Thank you.

That was really good. You might have seen, everyone might have seen, that we are doing a live show. Yeah, we are. Yeah. There it is. Woo. Thanks to Apple. But we need your help.

Yeah. How do we need the help? We need your content. We are going to talk about parents and parenting lies. Yes. So if you've got one under your belt that you've been holding onto all this time, let go of it. Give it here. We need it.

We need you. And it could get read out at that one and only show that we're doing. And you can get all the details and the registration from the show notes. It will be September 4 in the city at the Apple store on George Street. Yes, the big glass building. And how much? Free! Beautiful.

So make sure you register or you'll miss out. Not $5. It's not $20. It's free! I don't know how you went up. Not 50, not 20, not 5, not 10, but free. Anyway, see you there. Other housekeeping is what else we got in here?

What else we got that big guy? What else we got? What else we got? I'm back, I'm here, I've returned. Welcome back. Thank you. I do actually have just a little... A couple little messages.

Really? Well, I have a few listeners. Okay. I'm just going to read them out. Yep. I'll just listen. This one is from Elaine. This one is from Elaine.

This is from Elaine and she just sent in her parenting story. Just randomly? Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Safe space. Very safe place. No judgment.

Well, well, no. Well, I'm a bit but hurt from infected penis. We cannot defend the actions of Life Uncutt listeners. Who are probably here right now. For sure. But I'm allowed to laugh at the story if it's funny. She says, my parenting story, my then two and, my God, my then two and a half year old son, also named Oscar.

Congratulations. Good name. Had just done a poo in the toilet and he yelled out, Mom! Yeah. I come in and he's, as usual, waiting for me with his bum in the air, hands on the ground. Oscar is chatting about all sorts whilst patiently waiting for me to wipe his bum

when I realise I need to grab a new toilet roll I turn around to grab a new roll out of the vanity cupboard and as I turn back our dog who follows me everywhere had beat me to it and started licking Oscar's bum clean oh my God

have I told you this story No. Oscar happily still chatting away, not realizing what was happening. Never ever did I think I would watch a scene like that play out, parenting the best job in the world. Oh my goodness. What do you do? Just let it happen? I mean... It's already happened. It's sort of, isn't it illegal? Isn't it illegal? There's got to be some legalities there.

I mean, geez, yeah. I just, you got to... It's funny. You go very, it's hilarious. It's very funny. Do you tell Oscar what's just happened? Or do you wait until he's 18th birthday story? Bring it up. Boom. That is great.

That, oh my goodness. Sorry, Oscar, you had sex with the dog in the toilet. Literally. Oh, my God. I'm sure it's not the first time it's ever happened. Like, not to that family, but I mean to like anyone. But also the- Go on Ash?

Guilty. No. It's funny. What's your dog's name again? Iggy. And I do have a, are we finished housekeeping? Because I do have a story about young he. That's it for housekeeping.

I've got another story. I'm going to save it for next week. Okay, well, I'm glad you brought up my dog because there was something we found out about one of April's friends and my dog of late, which I thought was very, very entertaining. So April, she quite often goes to little dinners with her friends, as she does. And one of her friends by the name of Tanya, who is a Dota. She's a long-time listener, listened to every episode.

she said to April the other night Hey, I've got something to admit to you To April, I'm like, what's going on? Are you okay? Everything okay? Yeah. She said, yeah, everything's fine. But she said, look back in 2020.

Okay. And my dog's 11 years old now, so my dog would have been 6 at the time. She took a little trip to Taiwan. Not my dog, April's friend just to clear that right up. He does love to travel. She does. She does. like to travel.

And for some unknown reason, and we don't know why, April's friend thought that my dog was dying. Okay? Okay. With me? Yeah. We don't. Do you know what was just...

We have no idea. Was something happening or was it just... I mean, Iggy does look unwell. No, no. Like, she has those, like, big, sleepy, pussy eyes. She does not. Stinks as well. That's because I don't bath enough.

That's all... Cosmetic. That's all cosmetic. It's not life-threat. It's got like an underbite. Anything else? At least it's got all its legs. Ooh.

Yeah, see? There's sassy. Sassy. I want to get spicy. Anyway. So just thought the dog was dying. Thought the dog was dying. And Tanya is quite an empath.

Okay. She's quite a thoughtful person and I love that about her so much. So she went to Taiwan with the thought of my dog, a six-year-old dog, was dying for some reason. We had no idea. So what she did is she did is she. got a street artist to paint a picture of my dog off from a picture on Instagram, which I'll show you shortly. Yeah.

So she went all the way to Taiwan. She got the painting done. She turned around from Taiwan, came all the way home to realize the dog was still alive, hid the whole story. Five years later, she was so embarrassed, apparently, five years later, she's built up the courage to finally... tell the story to April, which I thought was hilarious, that she's got this picture. So this is the dog in question.

Okay, that's the dog in question. And I'm listening. Okay. And this is the picture. Oh! What? What are they doing? So what's happened is she's gone to Taiwan, thought, I'm going to do this lovely thing for my friend

and get a mural of their dog painted by a street artist I don't know how much it costs right she's done all that it's not the worst it's weird and then she's traveled all the way back with this physical painting

there's a physical painting of this this is just a picture of it rolled up or how did she travel with it? No it's like on a street artist board oh god traveled all the way back only to land back in the country and I don't know whether

she's come over with it, seeing the dog is still very healthy and hidden it and not said anything. Wait, wait, no, hang on a second. Why wouldn't you just say like, hey, I know you guys love Iggy. Here's a photo of her. She was in, she panicked and she hit it. Why? That is.

She hit it in, she hid it within, so she's moved houses a few times too. So she's taking it with her. But been too embarrassed to tell anybody. They've got the mouth right, though. And apparently she has like a three or four page. eulogy written for my dog that she's refusing to give up because she's too embarrassed. I mean, it's a bit like the Queen Mother, you know. Everyone thought she was going to pass away.

She just kept on. She kept on going for years. Iggy the cockroach. Five years later. Has she tried to, like, she ever, like, looked after the dog, ever tried to feed the dog? No. She tried to. I was trying to work out why she thought the dog was dying.

There was never, the only ever time the dog has been unwellers when it had to have teeth out. That was it. That's weird. That's weird. So what are you going to do with the photo? I don't know. Probably. I don't keep her forever because I think the story is hilarious.

The fact that she dis, like, was too embarrassed to admit it to us for so long. And then I was at home. She must have got a new therapist and they're like, you've got to get this off your chair. Yeah. Close the circle. Yeah. When Iggy dies, I'll get the eulogy. That's what's going to happen.

Anyway, I'm going to put a you down this afternoon. And she'll be so pumped when Iggy does finally pass away. It's just like, God. It's been one of my shoulders for years. To dear Iggy. Yeah. Too dear Iggy, you are six. Hang on.

12. Anyway, April was out to dinner and she came, she came storming home with a really exciting news. I was like, what's going on? And she was like, guess what I just found out and told me this whole story? I was like, that is, first of all, random. You have strange friends. Oh, I know. Strange people.

Question for you. This is kind of housekeeping. So, okay, yeah, right. Delve back into housekeeping. Okay. Okay, here is a question. This is a debate that parents have argued over for years, centuries. Go on.

Okay, let's just put this to rest right now. Once and for all, from this moment on, let's all agree parents collectively... You really team this up. Let's just be on the same page. Pardon the pun. Now I know what you're talking about. Book week or book day. Let's just, whoever is named this calendar event has really confused the head.

hell out of us. I'm going to throw another spanner in the work for you. Please. Guess when our book week is? Next week. What the hell? We all need to get on the same page. Figure it out.

What's going? People go on rogue. People go on rogue. I get like school holidays staggered in a week from state to state. I get that. Who decides book week? Who is gone? I'm the official book week decider.

And this is what it entails. And then who's peeled off? But then not give anyone any information. any specifics. It's a bloody mess. There's a few things here that irk me. One, you mentioned it, the day or week. That's the first one.

The second one is, if it's a week, do you have to go with someone different every day? Or can you be the same person every week? The other one is people are just dressing their kids up with things that aren't even books. Yes. Minecraft. What's going on?

Is there a book? Oh, I'm just like. I don't know. But still, I think it should be traditional books like your spots. Snow white. You're two don't any dies on the question free time. You're hungry, hungry caterpillar. The two dozen questions for you time.

And I don't know. I can't think we're anything. Bluey. Great one. Great one. And I think that, like, that should be the law you have to go as bluey. Yeah, it's mandated. Yeah, yeah.

It's mandated now that you have to go as bluey. But I will admit we are part of the problem. Because our book week started, and this is coming out kind of the week after bookweek. But we've just started. We're now day two. This is also recorded on Tuesday. Not to confuse people. It's giving them the context.

I panicked. Okay? I panicked. So I bought some costumes from BigW. Great shop. Very good. See what I did there? Very good.

Thank you. For those wondering, Ash is an ambassador for big W. Yeah, BigW Play Lab. Make sure you check it out on YouTube. It's important. I'm just pitching everything I've got. So what I've ended up, we've like, Jesus, put Lola in a different costume every day.

But because I don't want to be the one parent, like there was one kid on Monday who wasn't in costume. Whole daycare, in costume, one kid isn't. And I looked at that kid like he was a starving child, like he's being neglected by his parents. I was about to call, like, who do you call? Docs. Ghostbusters.

Ghostbusters. And I was going to like, this put, no one's looking after this child. Look at him dressed in plain clothes. Disgusting. Yeah. Meanwhile, everyone else is dressed up as pirates and Harry Potter. I don't want my child to then be judged by the other parents.

Yeah, and, you know, in schools, bullying is rife. Yeah, take it. Even at that age. They don't know they're doing it. They're like, well, Timmy didn't wear a costume. But we all have to just agree. Like, can we just put a campaign out there? Like, get your kids vaccinated, very important.

Also, book week, book day, let's agree. Yeah, book week, book day, the same day every year. There's a date for it like Christmas. It's not Christmas week So Macy's dressed up at the moment? No Macy got book one? Where next week?

And Oscar as well? Yeah. Okay, because Marley's next week. I'm confused, man. But what are they going to do at school? School is a bit more, schools getting their shit together. They kind of have a day, right?

Yeah, they wouldn't want the kids going with that and not in uniform every day. Not a whole week. No. Get my kids going to school dress as a school kid. Believe it or not. In his uniform. What's the character?

Just school boy. I feel if they're doing Minecraft, guess what you're going is a little schoolboy. Cool docks. Cool docs. Oscar's been neglected. No, he wants to go as me again. Remember last year he went as me?

We threw out my costume that Lola was in last year. It went to the Salvos. Oh, some other kids, Maddie J. But yeah, Oscar's going to go as me apparently again. But I think it's just all confusing. Parents are good enough on their plate. Great. Give us, if the prime minister can come out and say,

put that other stuff he's working on aside. Yeah. It's not important. Tax reform, hex debts. Book day. Book day should be... We need help. We need help.

If he had said, I'm going to put an end to this book week stuff during the election campaign, he would have won by way more than the one. Oh, yeah. Landslide. Oh, absolutely. Next election, just a bit of advice. Book day. Just also complain about a few things, if that's okay.

We've got a quick little list. Go ahead. And this is also just like a PSA to parents out there. I don't know if it's the weather. I don't know what's going on. There is a pandemic right now. Nits. Nits are everywhere.

How good would a pandemic be, though? And I've been over this. But a knit pandemic, everyone will have each your heads. Industries were destroyed. Companies were bankrupt. So? People died. I get it.

How dare you? Has Nits ever killed anyone? It just makes everyone isolate. I don't think they do. I know what you mean because there have been a few cases in the northern beaches. So, I'm, I'm fine. We've just been told by Jess.

We've been saying the word wrong. I'm glad that one of us is educated because of God's saying it. Pandemic? Pandemic is global. Pandemic is global. This is global, Jess. Parenting is global. If we have an epidemic.

Yeah, epidemic. It's a knit epidemic. It hurts, dude. It is pain. Is it just me? We haven't had to do it yet because we're good. You've never done it once? Nope.

Oh my God, dude. No. Laura's ripping my hair. out. I was thinking, the little claw thing that runs through your hair. I couldn't sit through it. Do you have to, so you're using product and then that to finish. Finish the job. The comb to run it through, dude. And it's like, you know, my hair is, yeah, it's falling out a little bit. He's going to say it's thinning. Shut up. How do you? Not because of you, because of the lids. And then I've like, every time the comb would run through my hair, I can see the strands

coming out. And I was like, go. Sal this what you can. Let me ask you this, because you might know, and I haven't had to do, I haven't gone knit shopping for products yet. Do they still have the combs that have got a slight electrocution to them and kill the nits upon touching them within your head? Where are you going shopping? That was when I was a kid. I don't know if it's been outlawed.

What? That is wild. Can we actually just, can we just, Jess? She's already on it. She read my mind. She's just checking. A cone that electricutes? We'll be right back after this.

No. Go. What? Yeah, it's like it would go, like, similar to like a, you know, the electric fly things. It goes, you're going to kill you. And it's like tiny and it goes, but it would go when you kill it. Yeah.

Just is currently inventing it or looking it up now. But I'm touch wood. I know it's going to happen. And it just, it happens. You put kids all in the same place and kids are grubby as fuck. You put them in the same place. everyone's going to get nits eventually. And I remember we used to nitrate a lot

because I have such thick hair. My sister has such thick hair. That's been nice. I was a child, Matthew, so don't get jealous. My mom had really thick hair. Dad, bald as fuck. So he didn't really care. He was like, I don't think what you guys are talking about.

I'm fine. But I remember, oh, Jess has got something. They do have it. What's it called? It's called a V-con. A V-com. A V-Cone chemistry warehouse. 72 bucks!

Oh my God. Yeah, so... Who's got that kind of money? Shout up, don't answer it. But I'm waiting for it to happen because Macy has quite thick hair. Well, you will be pleased to know. So the first knit treatment, I was like, it's not me, I'm not itchy. And then, so everyone in the house had their knit treatment.

I refuse because I can't deal with my hair falling out. Then the knits have come back. So I was roped in last night. I was forced against my will. first the vasectomy, now I'm just trying to rip my hair out. I feel sorry for you because I can imagine like you've got quite luscious hair and it's like they can hide in that. And I could just, and I, and honestly you did say to me once,

I don't have a shavable head to you, you don't. No, don't. I have a very shavable round, perfect head. Oh, jeez. So I can shave mine and there's not because I would do it anyway. But yeah, I'm not looking forward to it. Anyway, I just want to make you aware that they're out there. Oh, I know.

I just want you to be... We have some friends and who will remain nameless. Be vigilant. Whose kids always seem to have needs. I know what you like out there in the northern beaches. If you've got girls, tie their hair up. Tie their hair up. Thank you.

Thank you. Here's a question. Go. For you. How long are you allowed to keep a pregnancy test for after it's been used? A positive one. Okay, it's very specific that you have positive. I was a walking around.

You were just like, one second. Did people hold onto them? Oh, I don't think we held on to ours. I mean, other people find... You discarded it like it was nothing? No, some people find those sort of things so sentimental. Some people will keep foreskins. And others keep belly buttoned knots and all sorts of things, you know,

and the pegs that come with it. Oh, God. Why is it bent? Did you leave it in the sun? That's the shape of them, I think. Gee, they've come a long way. Hang on. No, no, no, no, no.

You wash that, surely. Well, I just found it in the drawer upstairs. Oh! But I don't want to throw it away. It's that... What does Laura say? She doesn't know you have it, doesn't it? You freak.

You're just like, got this... Remember you said you had a pregnancy king? That's for play. You're like, hey baby. Hey, baby. Do people hold on to these? Is it a thing? You're not on to it now, and I think you should get rid of it.

Why? I don't know. Don't! Give it back! Do I dare? Laura, I'm sorry. This is something... Bro, this is something your wife's peed on.

You're welcome. Just give it back to you there. I don't know. I don't know. Let's put it out to the listeners. If you're listening to this right now and you kept yours, let us know.

If you think it's disgusting, also very much let us know. But I'd think it's weird. Mounted on the wall? Mounted on the wall? or frame it. Oh, you, I don't know. Did you keep the last ones?

No, that's a thing. So you want one, like, is a... Yeah, keepsake. I think the children are the keepsake. Fair. Fair. Right? Anyway.

I've got proof I've got kids. It's like, bro, your kids are right there. Dad, shut up! Speaking of kids. Yeah. They're both yours and mine are getting to the age now where you... This rain is coming in thick, isn't it? Holy shit, the sun's out.

Sorry. I'm not sure if you can hear the soothing sounds of the rain hitting, it's pouring down outside. And there's still sun. Two of your kids, your third kid is yet to be here. That works. Due in four weeks. Whoa.

Oh, my God. You're going to be your dad again. Oh, no. That's crazy. Anyway, they're getting the current, the other two and my two, getting to the age now where you need to be really careful about what you watch on TV. Yes.

Okay. And sorry, touching your feet. I apologize. And usually like leading up to here, if I was watched something in Oscar or Macy were playing and doing something, it wasn't a problem. There would be no, there would be no like crossover. Right. I wouldn't really acknowledge it.

But I've noticed that it's starting to get to a point where you have to watch, you have to be careful of what me as an adult on anything, even the phone. You're watching porn again. No, come on. Shh. I know. And what happened was, I was me and Macy. Yeah.

And we sat down in a loud room to watch TV and I was like, what do you want to watch? You know, as you do? And they're like, what do you feel like? You know, we've got, blue is a good option. We've got whatever else she lays into, Mermaid, but the Barbie stuff. Like she loves that sort of shit. And she was like, no, no, no, I want to watch. First she said, I want to watch sharks.

I was like, oh, baby shark. okay well thought you're growing out of that so every now and then she might be like little nostalgic sure I was like great

she was like no no no the shark thing shark week what is it yeah I was like there was a shark attack yeah maybe she was watching the news

just worried you just like put in like the current news into that story there was a shark attack he's fine four meter great white yeah that's massive

that's scary anyway I was like okay I'm shocked And I remember when we did the list of TV shows and there was that non-verbal show of that there was a shark in it

and I was like, I must be that. And she was like, no. And she was getting visibly frustrated. And then she was like, no, no, no, the shark attacking one. I was like, what? I was like, look, what don't we just put on? And I know that there's some kid documentaries around it. Put the blood on Ash.

Dude. And I was like, I know there's some kid documentary ones where it's like baby sharks and handlers and stuff like in Aquarium. very innocent and, like, just a bit of very nature. No, not good enough. And I was like, what did she want? The fuck is going on.

I found out that April was watching a national geographic show called When Shark's Attack. And now Macy's got the thirst for blood. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, you haven't watched that. And then I've managed to go through some search history and some watching and asked April, I was like, have you been watching shark shows? And she was like, yeah. I was like, when sharks attack. She was like, well, I don't think they were attacking.

I was like, the show is called when sharks attack. And it's a national geographic show. And I popped it up on the TV as like the thing. And maybe it was like, yep, that one. That one right there. And I was like, episode three. Yeah, yeah. 20 minutes in.

I was like, hang on a minute. He takes a diver. Let me get this straight. Macy, you want to watch when sharks attack people. And April transition goes, that sounds pretty good, actually. I was like, you two are fucked. So it's just a warning to all the parents out there now. If you are watching a show on your own, you think she's, what's happened is Macy

subconsciously was watching it. Oh, well, not subconsciously. She was doing her thing. April's watching it. And then Macy was watching it from a distance and really liked it. got closer and closer and closer and it became their thing and I've figured it out

and then she's asked me so now I've had to try and scale her back from sharks attacking people to the really shit stuff where just someone's handling it going on what a beautiful shark did you put it back on? Oh fuck yeah we all watch them better

Hey just really quickly I've been holding on the story and I just wanted to share it with you very very quick very quick story I know that and that's what we're going to go okay sorry it's been a tough week You know, we've got book week that we're battling with.

Sharks attack now. We've got Nits as well. Epidemic pandemic. Epidemic. Epidemic. It's been tough. And Laura is very pregnant as well. You know, what did you in a couple of weeks?

And so she tends to fade off. And that's not an attack on Laura. She just, you know, she gets tired. Oh, yeah. After 5 o'clock. Fully I understand. She crashes. She burns.

Same. And I've also been very busy with work. I work hard, ash. I work around the clock supporting this family. You're a great. Emotionally, financially. A great dad, great partner. Thank you.

Great human. Nice to hear you say that. Should get him asex me though. And it was like 8.30 at night and I still hadn't got the kids to bed. We normally try and get them in bed by 7.15. Yeah, that's fair. But this was just a nightmare of a night. And it was just like everything was a battle brushing the teeth.

They couldn't even choose a book to read for bed. I was like, come on, guys. I was just doing everything. could to not lose my call because the last thing I want is to raise my voice. The kids cry. Laura comes up off the couch and goes, don't worry. I'll do it. I was like, I got to try and keep the piece. If you keep the piece in one area, you keep the piece in all the areas. There is. Write that down. That is good. Put on a t-shirt. And I went to go fill up the kids water bottles. Because you want to keep him hydrated. Keep him hydrated. You are such a good dad.

Want them to be healthy. I come back in and I don't know if you know the kids room upstairs. There's the desk. Oh, yeah. And the bookshare. shelf above. Yep. And Lola likes to climb up onto that desk and then choose her, like, hand select her book. Okay. It's 8.30 at night. Oh, no.

I come in. I look at her. And I just think to myself, oh, God, she's really close. There's a plant that has a long vine. Plants at the top of the shelf. The vine hangs down over a number of the shelves. As she's pulling out the book, she accidentally grabs the vine of the pot plant. and I'm like, no, I run over.

She pulls the pot plant down through the vine. I kind of lunge to try and grab the pot plant and I knock it. Soil just goes everywhere. And then it ends up landing on Lola's head. She is covered in soil. Oh, my goodness. On the floor, there's baskets of soft toys. That's covered in soil now.

Why do you have real plants in the kids' room? Because the kids painted the pot. Pop plants. And the vines have grown. It's like chiming plants in there. I know, I know, I know. The pot plant, like, that's fine. They're not painting the soil.

It's not. I agree. You're absolutely right. So there is nothing more disheartening. It's like, it's like playing Monopoly, and you're about to win, and you get like a sent-to-jail card. Oh, my God. You know, all I have to do is read one book and put them down to bed. Grab Lola, she's squirming, putting soil everywhere, put it back in the shower.

Got a vacuum out. Got a vacuum. It rins her down. Laura's come up to find out what the fuck's going on. Then there's tears. And I was like, would you stop shaking? Because she's putting soil everywhere through the room. So she's now crying.

And I'm like, it's not your fault. It's like nine o'clock. I haven't even had dinner yet. It's painful. It technically is her fault because she painted the pot plant. It was 100% her fault. Oh, it's Laura's fault. The what?

Was it Laura's fun? No, no. I'm saying they shouldn't have painted the pot plants. They would have not been in there. That was Laura's idea. Oh. Come on, guys. Anyway, anyway.

But like that, look, it's, yeah, when you think you're at the end, when you think you're at the finish line, it's like, it's like running a race and they're like, nope, you've got to do another five-gast. Yeah, one more lap. And you're like, what do you mean? It's the worst. Anyway, I love being a dad. Me too.

It's beautiful. It's times like those, you're like, I fucking love this. I want to go to sleep too, but now I can't for another half an hour because I've got to clean up this mess. That's lovely. Do you know who else is having a hard time? Every other parent. Let's hear their pair rants.

Oh, I want to be free, yeah, to say what I feel. Man, I feel like a parent. Hey! Ash, if anyone who is new to our podcast, there's a few new listeners that have been joining us. Welcome. What is a parent? What is it?

It's something to do with parenting usually, where you've just had enough of it. Hang on a second. Usually? or... Mostly? All the time. Yeah.

Yeah, if you want to rant about something specific that's... We'll allow it. We'll allow. I'm not going to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, take that somewhere else. I'm going to say, give it here. Let me have look. I want to know what the material is first. The emphasis on the rant.

Rant. It's got to be something you just have had enough of. Yeah. Yeah, like Book Week. Parenting is amazing. We get it. But at the same time, we're all struggling. And this is therapy.

Yeah, you could let off some steam. I'll go first. And you said Book Week. This is from Eliza. she says, toddlers who refuse to dress up for bookweek, despite telling you what they wanted to go as and you buy the costume online from Big W. Well, well, well said. Oh, God. It adds another element of frustration to it, doesn't it? Where it's like, you wanted this. You wanted this. You asked for it. And then I've got it. I've gone and done it. And like, yeah, I get it. Like,

you've just bought it. But there are big people out there who have made it. And they're kids like, nah. You'd be like, oh my God. Someone showed me an outfit. it they made. It was a costume of an elephant. I was like, that's incredible. Like, my bully costume costs 10 bucks. Yeah, who has time for that? You may have seen it on our socials. There's a video of Lola, dressed as bluey. She got so nervous when she got to daycare because everybody was like, bluing! And she's like, oh my God, too much attention. Look, I'm taking this off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say, oh, man, I tell you right, what do you do, do you just force them to wear it then at that point? If you've got, if you've put, yeah, I'm like,

you're fucking wearing it, kids. Pin it down. Deal with this. This is good money we spent on this. I know. It's from Imogen. And this one's like, and like I got a little on the back of this, which I, some call me a hero, but I'm not. Hers is, don't kiss my baby, right? That's fair.

Yep. But please don't kiss my toddler. Okay. And that could be grandpa. She could be referred to Kevin. She's not talking to some stranger. I'll tell you a story about a stranger in a minute. They get sick too.

And I couldn't care less about hurting your feelings where my two-year-old is in hospital. for five days with RS feet. Oh, sugar. Yes, there's some trauma there. Fist pump. Is that what I was saying? What I'm saying? Just fist pump.

Don't punch the kid. Yeah. Be mindful. Hey, Billy. Bang. But it's like, people don't have boundaries. And we've spoken about that before.

It's like just learn your boundaries, especially with parents and small kids. It's the boomers. Totally. I was in, when I was in Vegas, right, and we went to the game,

we were hanging out with this family who had young girls. And there was like, one of the, guys that was with them who was like not i wouldn't say he was like a friend but he was like hanging around all the time and like with us and not asked with this family like there was just a group of people but like he fucking openly like in celebratory kissed a kid on the top of the head like that and i was like don't do that bro like it's not a good look and just left

to that that but i was like that triggered me a little bit because i was like are people out here really doing that shit apparently like what the fuck yeah so it's like it's like Just learn your self-awareness and be like, okay, even though it's on the top of this, and there was no malice in it whatsoever and nothing, it was like just not a good look. So keep your lips to yourself. But at the same time, Ash, you know, my kids don't even get a fist bump from you. I haven't seen your kids. You're hiding them from me.

I want them. You want to be Godfather? Yes. Get in their lives. Okay. My bad. Celeste. She says, adult paying entry fees to those kid cafe soft play centres on top of paying for their kids, sorry?

I'm doing the supervision. I don't care for the free drink ticket. Give me free entry to keep me happy. This irks me a lot. I do like playing on those slides in the ballpits though. You would. You would because you're involved. I think like they go, yep, you've also got to buy a ticket, but you get a free coffee.

I've had enough coffee today, bro. keep your coffee and just let me watch, right? If I go in and do a Maddie J and slide down the slide, come over with the F-Poss machine and I'll tap that bad point. But don't you fucking dare. I'm Jess going to hate how many beeps she's going to put in this episode. Sorry, Jess, but you shouldn't have told me. Anyway, yeah, I just, just, all I'm doing is supervising.

At that, I'm on my phone. I'm not even looking. They're up fucking somewhere else. I'm just like, anyway, they're like, kids, you're like, I don't know. But yeah, it's such a absolute rip-off. Anyway, that's enough out of me. I got one more, which is not parenting related, but I thought this really pissed me off,

mainly because I was hung over. Anyway, I had to get on an airplane from Melbourne to Sydney last week. It was my flight the night before got cancelled. I had to stay an extra night. So what do you do? You get the town as you do. It's like a free night that never existed to start off. Can I just ask, your flight was originally booked for what time?

8 p.m. Okay. Why? No reason. I thought it was a lunchtime flight. No, if it was the last time, I wouldn't be able to come home. I was like, how the hell have you managed to, like, have a flight cancellation? You spend a week extra in Melbourne.

Oh, yeah. There's no flights, babe. No, it was a late flight already. Sure. That's the risk you run. I apologize. And there was other options that night. They were like, yeah, we can put you on this flight.

It's a 9.30 fly. I thought, great. But it lands at 7.40 a.m. from the next day. I'm like, what? They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just got to fly to Perth first. And then fly from Perth back to Sydney. I'm like, that is not a suitable option.

That is a terrible suggestion. That is the worst thing. We will fly you to London for a quick later, but you'll come back next week. Such a prone. Eggs. I didn't mention eggs. Oh, sorry. Amateur.

Come on, man. Sorry. Have I ruined the punchline? Back track. Anyway. I had to get up at. Just for the record, before we recorded, Ash was like, like, do you hear the story about the eggs?

Everyone's on edge about the eggs now. like, we really want to hear it. Yeah, fuck that up, didn't you? Anyway, so I got on a plane very early in the morning to get home so that I could assist April with what we call parenting. It was, I'm talking, it was early. I probably had two hours sleep. Sure.

I had got on the plane and I thought, great, I got a seat to myself next to me. This is brilliant. Anyway, this woman gets on. She sits next to me. I have no qualms with that whatsoever. I wanted the extra seat didn't get to keep it that's fine

we take off we're midway through a flight and what does she whip out a bag of hard boiled eggs on a domestic cylinder flying through the air the air and smells are all stuck

in the same place it can't be like yeah just crack a window and get rid of the fucking smell she proceeded did you like lean over to the exit room And you're like, just open it now. I was just like, it was, I wasn't, I didn't want to be like, hey, that's inappropriate.

That's an inappropriate, that's an inappropriate snack for an aeroplane at any time. Says who? The smell gods. I don't know. It stunk. Anyway, so I was like, for people wondering, Ash has got a shirt over his mouth, right? My nose. I was like, oh, hey, how you doing?

And she was like, good, thanks. Yeah, that's good. How many eggs did she have? What did he got there? Six! Wow. Did she offer you one? No, but she didn't quite pick up that I was masking the smell directly to her face.

And she continued and continued. But she didn't just go, gum, gum, gum, gum, she let them sprawl out across the whole flight. So by the time the smell was gone, she would whip it back out again and reignite the fumes. recliner seat as well? No. That would be the last straw. Thank you. But my gripe is here. Don't get on a fucking aeroplane with a bag of eggs.

Thank you. It's almost as if you deserved it though. No, I didn't. Why? Having a night out. Having a night out. Yeah. You know, is that the parenting gods punishing you for damn it! Damn it! Now every time I have a night out, I'm going to

be like, please don't get on with his eggs or something. So one day someone's going to get on with a bag of dog shit be like what's up that's what it might as well have been

dog shit it's stunk and if she just happened to be listening to this which was never going

to happen do better move on time for some questions ash yes would you like

to go first or should I um I'm going to ask you first because I think it's time that we bring up

something that we've a question that continues to live on in this multiverse as we call it

which is things that you shouldn't say to a parent. Love it. I love to trigger people with this. And I get triggered hearing people message me and message us with someone said this to me today. So we've got a small list each.

You want to go first with your first one. Oh, you must be free all day since you're just at home with the kids. My, we have great minds. Think alike. Mine's very similar. This one is for the stay at home parent, which we commend you because of how it is hard, right? You never know what you're going to get, right? This one is, oh, must be nice to stay home all day.

Actually, it is pretty nice. But it's like, oh, it's like a sly jab to be like, you do nothing. Anyway, next one. You know, you should just really sleep when the baby is sleeping. Oh. Who has come up? That is one of the dumbest sayings I have ever heard when it comes to parenting. And do you know what?

They've only just missed the mark with that saying, saying, I think. Just missed it. I think it should be trying it some rest while the baby's resting. There's not the same ring to it. Yeah, but that's the right way to say. If you're like, what should I say to this person? Use the word rest because that could mean so many different things. But also, you know, washing to do, you've got food to cook.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. If all that stuff's done, which it's never done, it's always continuous. But that's a, yeah, that kills me. Another one is, oh, yeah, oh, it looks nothing. like you. Oh, fuck. Shit.

Or it's like... Your jeans didn't get a look in. Yeah, or it's like, who does he look more like? I don't know. His parents? For God's sake. Like, fuck. Unless there's like, have you seen those baby reveals and it, they pop the balloon and it's

like green and then it cuts over and Shrek's like, moves back. Oh, that's very funny. Anyway, next one. If you're pregnant and someone says to you, are you sure there's only one in there? Oh my God. What is going through people's minds? Well, I hope the doctor's got it right.

Oh, my goodness. You're talking about, like, you know, when you're so close to finishing and you're going to start all over again, imagine if you didn't know you had twins and you gave birth and the doctor goes, oh. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you, you had twins. You got two in that. All right, this one is mainly comes from a boomer.

And this one's like, you know, kids pick up on parents' stress. Oh. Thanks, mum. That's why I am like I am. Thanks, Susan. I know, fully. It's so far. But if you've got any that someone has said to you,

the ones where we get a little story and then they, and it's got like what someone has said to them. Oh, I love it. Usually the best. Beautiful. Yes, DM us for sure. Last question. All right, Ash, this one is from Chelsea.

She wrote into the Facebook group. No, she didn't. Also, go on. Facebook group, 3.5,000 people. Yeah, it's popping up. when you kick me out, everyone joined. No, like so hijacked Life Uncut. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, the double-edged sword of Life Uncut. One minute, they're giving your followers, next minute they're attacking you. But Chelsea wrote in and she says, I don't know if it's just me, but there seems to be the stigma around asking for help. There are always those throwaway offers from family or friends saying,

hey, here if you need. Oh, God. But they aren't truly genuine or possible with people's busy lives. Then you look for paid help and you get judged for hiring a nanny or outsourcing help because people assume you must be wealthy or say,

I didn't have any help and I coped okay. How do you genuinely ask for help and who are the best people to lean towards for it from one tired, exhausted and sick of listening to the haters, mama? Yeah, look, I think the first people you don't want to ask for help are the ones that say, have you ever needed anything? Because that's so fucking empty.

That's an empty promise if I've ever heard. I know. I've had a few of them. and I'm like in my head I'm thinking you live for a 40 minute drive away from my house and you didn't fucking mean that yeah like do you really want to come over here on a Tuesday night and help with the kids to bed what you should do is like as soon as they say that go I'm glad you are you said that because I actually need someone to watch my kids for the next 25 years do you mind it's like fuck me like it's such a throwaway I know they're trying to be

polite and sometimes it's kind of like a way to get out of a conversation not out of it or finish a conversation yeah but and if you ever need anything just let me know well I'm let you know now I need something. What do you think? And they're like, I'm busy. I reckon a better thing is, and this is obviously for people who are in the, like, you know, the close friendship circle. Yeah. I'm not talking about people you see like once every couple of months. But for the people who are your good friends, an immediate family, I think instead of just having that throwaway line of if you need anything, let me know, just rock up. Yeah. I think if you say on the weekend, maybe don't just rock it. Yeah, I was just going to stop you

right there. It's like turn up, midnight, why not? Hey! Hey, go! Where are they? Where's the kid? Give him to midnight. I think if you say, hey, on a Saturday, I'm going to come over, I'm going to take the kid, and again, close family and friends here. Yeah, which is a random. I'm going to come over and take your kid. And I'm going to go out with a kid, just go to the park and I'm going to give you a couple hours of reprieve. Also, I'll cook a meal and bring it over, put it in the fridge. If you're close enough to someone, you can pick up, the things that they're not openly telling you, right? And that's, like, when you say close friends, family, like, for example, my sister was going

through a really tough time. And for me, I'm really lucky with April's parents being away, but my parents live on the Gold Coast, so they're there. And then my brother-in-law's parents also live out of town. So they had no one, and they were going through a phase there. And I didn't offer, oh, I mean, they didn't ask or anything like that. I picked up on the social cues because of, it's my sister. I'm close to that person.

and said hey how about this tomorrow i can work from your place you can get out do the things you need to do have some rest i'll watch winnie all day um and then if you're popping back in and forward we can have we'll have lunch together if you're around or whatever just to try and relieve some of the and she was like you have two kids bro i'm like yeah i've got two kids but i've got help and it's a weekday my kids are going to be in day care might one might not be if it was macy i'd bring her and they can play or whatever but i picked up on that she really needed someone but was too proud to ask and also maybe had been given all those lines all the time from people that actually don't fucking mean it by saying, oh,

you know, like, and she might have asked that person and they've got, oh, I'm busy and being like, well, maybe I just won't ask anyone. I agree. And I do think I'm guilty of it that no one wants to be seen as that person who was struggling. No one wants to put their hand up and go, I need help because you don't want to be seen to be a parent that can't. cope. I do think it is on parents to also not be afraid because if you're asking other parents, no one is going to judge you. And if you are judging, you're an absolute asshole. Well said. Don't be afraid to put your hand up to those close to you and go, hey, can I just have a little bit of help here? Yeah. Can you just do X, Y and Z? Yeah. Nothing wrong with that.

For sure, because they might not have that person that's, um, can pick up and all be like, you know, And I know like with especially like we always have this thing where it's like you're always better in numbers, right? And that those numbers could mean more parents and more kids, but you can conquer that, that whatever the situation might be. So for example, like Mike and myself, it's so we pick up on it so much that if, for example, I had to go away, I didn't say anything. Oscar had a jiu-jitsu lesson and he straight away went, I'll pick Oscar up at 4 o'clock on Monday. And I would, and I've done the same for him in time. Heaven, heaven. Yeah, there was one time where I remember they rang me and they both worked different times of the day.

So he worked in the day. She might have some classes to teach at night. There was a 10 minute gap. And he rang me and he said, do you have 10 minutes? I said, yeah. He said, can you come and watch my kids for 10 minutes while we do a changeover? I drove all the way his house and I sat there and went with his kids for 10 minutes. You were such a good guy.

But I know that if I do that, someone's going to do that for me. Thank you. I appreciate that. But like, at the same time, don't be afraid to ask. Totally. And if you ask, if you ask those people you think are closest to you and they're not willing to shift their lives to try and help you for 10 and 15 minutes, then unfortunately they're not the right people.

Can we just do a quick little call out? And if you think you have a friend or family member who is a tired parent right now and they need help, just tell them, spoon feed them a date, a time that you're going to come over and just say, hey, I'm coming over. I'm going to take the kid. I'm going to clean. Let's help each other out here.

Here's a good one. If a parent says, oh, we're going down to the park on Saturday morning, like, that's what we're doing, and you can pick up on that they might be tired or could use a bit of a break, go, I'll come down.

You know, and you help play with the kids. And play with a kid. Play with a kid. Don't have a conversation. Take a coffee with them and go, lose a coffee. I'm going to go play with your kid for half an hour. I love that.

I'll watch them. And then that half an hour could meet everything to that person. It could be the difference between them feeling really shit and feeling really good. What's it saying? It takes a town? Takes a village. Takes a village. Takes a town. Takes a village. Takes a town. Takes a village, takes a city, takes country. Anyway. And on that note, if you've enjoyed this episode, and if you're from Life Uncutt, review us. Review us. And it's not an infection. It was a bruise.

Let us know your thoughts. We would love. We get some beautiful messages. We do. And I read every single one and they just fill me with warmth. It's the fuel that keeps us going. Yes. And subscribe. and share this episode or any episode with a friend or a parent. And follow us on social media. Which is Two Doting Dads, Instagram, TikTok, the Facebook, and now YouTube. Believe it or not. And you guys, keep on Doting.

Keep on, keep it on. See ya. Bye. Two Doting Dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to the... their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.