Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #170 How Dare You Message My Wife!

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

Happy Father's Day to all of the Big Pappis out there!  It's a big family affair this episode, with Mum Ellie jumping on the pod to update us on her health after a major shoulder surgery. Please send all of your good vibes and energy her way as she recovers!  Matty J and Ash gift each other the same Father's Day presents, and that's a sweet little message from their kids.   Making a return for this week's episode is your Parenting Lies! We've got some good ones.  We also answer your parenting questions:  Things you should never say to a parent  My son was invited to a combined party. Do I have to gift both kids despite my son only being close to one? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You are looking a little bit red. You've been in the sun? So I'm embarrassed. What happened? I have a sore neck. You know damn well what happened. Get started. Welcome back.

Welcome back to two-doting dads. I'm Maddie J. I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And one thing we will never, ever, ever do.

Even if our lives depended on it. Well, I probably would in that case. But I was just trying to be dramatic. We will never give advice. No. Never give advice. But we are back from the snow. We have returned to the motherland.

Well, have we returned. I guess so. Some of us are redder than others. Yeah, what's the deal? What's the deal? With the red face. Must have been... Some of us has some injuries, ash.

Why do I always get hurt? I actually, I don't know what's happened, but the first hour of the day, I can barely move. Still? Must be nice to be able to move. Take your neck brace off. For God's sake.

It is uncomfortable. Can I take it off? Please. We tell people what happened, though. Yeah. Oh, God. It's like, I can imagine that's what it's like when women take their bra off at the end of the day. Am I right?

Sorry, I said I can imagine. That's what it's like. I don't know. But I guess that's what it would feel like. Well said. We were at the snow. We were. At Perisher.

It was a journey that was not without its mistakes. It's a lot of effort. be honest you know what let's start from the beginning let's do that it's a very long drive yeah we yeah

yeah we split it up what do you mean yeah it is a long drive we split it up though I think that was the smart choice you drive like a maniac I did really hook it when it was my turn

I'm waiting for the speed fines to come through in that car and then I'm going to disappear I made a mistake I put my hand up I did something wrong sure sure I booked the wrong accommodation

we had a night in Canberra before they're making our way back onto the snow the next morning. We checked in at 9 o'clock. Well, we tried to check in at 9 o'clock. Let me just correct you there. I was in the car because it was my stint. You're like, I'll get out. I'll sort this out.

And I'm like, beautiful. Off you go. And the lady was like, what's your name, please? I said, it's Matt Johnson because I made the booking. She goes, hmm, it's not there. And I said, amateur. So I whipped out my phone, gave with a booking confirmation. I said, here it is.

I think that'll answer any questions that you have, ma'am. Yeah, about this. situation. And she goes, oh, there's a mistake here. And I was like, I don't make my sacks. Somehow. Somehow. Okay. I have booked it for 2006. Not even the same month, though. For January. Why? Why did you do that? In my defense. Yeah. Because I think it's like the midwinter ball. I think that happens around this time. One of the busiest weekends in the history of Canberra. There was a lot of pissed politicians when we turned up, that way.

Bus loads of them. Oh, man, it was like the old... Feeling onto the road. And I'm like, it's good to see our tax dollars going on a fucking bunch of piss heads. They're like, where's the karaoke? Yeah, they're trying to kick on a karaoke. I'm pretty sure they're just trying to usher them back to bed. Meanwhile, I'm pleading for a bed.

And they're like, we're booked out. I'm so sorry. You cannot stay here. But you came back to the car with a very sheepish look on your face. Because you don't often get things wrong. I'm going to give you a little compliment there. Thank you. I'll take that.

And you opened the door and you gave me a look. And I knew immediately that something wasn't right. I was like, what have you done? And you admitted that you booked it for January. But the funny thing was is that we were meant to be meeting someone in the lobby there. So we had to do the walk of shame. We went to Peppers down the road. Yeah, we managed to get a room.

Drop 350 for a beautiful room. A disabled room. She was like, we only have one room left in the whole hotel. It's a disabled room And I was like totally fine It's a room that's catered for those that need assistance Easy access Easy access

It had railings in the shower railings around the toilet Which honestly I don't mind But yeah What was concerning I think And I think you're about to say it Was that she was like You better just check this room first

I went to go page She goes whoa whoa whoa whoa You better look at the room first And I was like What sort of hotel is this We saw it and we're like This is heaven. This is perfect.

Yeah, it was fine. One little bed, which... Also concerning, she knocked before we looked at it. Yeah, she was like, Jimmy, we're coming in now. I know, I was like, who's Jimmy? It was like, why would you need to knock if the room's not rented out? But I woke up. I got Pink Eye from Ash.

We did do a bit of a story arc that seemed like we were on a vacation. My biggest takeaway from this trip is the fact that it's okay to make mistakes. But second to that, the snow is not for the faint of heart. No, I feel like everything takes twice as long. Everything's twice as heavy. And it's cold. Oh, yeah. I was getting to that.

It's twice as cold as everywhere else on Earth. And like, it didn't really help that like there was a big downpour. The weather wasn't amazing. But the visibility was terrible. But we had a great time. It was my first time snowboarding. You did very well. Thank you.

You did very well. I want to know, be honest out there, if you're a parent, okay, and I'm not talking about those types of people who are like Olympic level skiers or snowboarders. Rich people. Yeah, the rich people. If you're rich, piss off. Stop listening. But for like, just.

Actually, we need you. Come back. But if you're just a normal run-of-the-mill family, honestly, hand-on heart, do you enjoy going to the snow with your kids? I think. When you weigh it all. up, when you look at the tantrums, when you look at the money, are you having a good time overall? Surely not.

Right? There's a mixture of different families that I did see along the way. There was the little three-year-old girl with her dad having a great time. That was cute. She was skiing. Dad was happy. Everyone was happy. They probably had a moment in their life.

You know in five minutes time she was having a meltdown. For sure. You know that. For sure. But at that moment, I am just like, she's great. Yeah. That's how I'm seeing. I didn't see the Meljah.

And then I'm walking through the ski tube hallway and there's a mum with her kid around a similar age and that kid's screaming on the floor as she tries to heave a ski boot off these kids' foot. And I was like, oh, this is not worth it. Right. And then you saw a pram. Yes.

Didn't even have chains on its tires. And there was no baby. He was carrying a bugaboo pram across the snow, babyless, I can only assume that he's just dumped it. He's just like, oh, you know, they're on a mountain it'll get to the bottom. There was at one point as well

on the, like coming down the mountain on our snowboards and there was a child like starfish laying on its back screaming, the parent was going, get up, Billy, God damn it. That was me. And I was thinking to myself, I don't know if I want to pay

like thousands of dollars. No. To have a meltdown screaming match of a fight with my child. Mark my words. Go on. I will never

ever ever take my kids to the snow. Wow. Never. Never, ever, ever. Not while they're, okay, hang on me rephrase that. Don't backtrack on it now.

They have to be over 16 for me to take them. 14? 16. Because then they can probably have a job and pay their way. But no, I'm, like, as kids are they are now, where it's like, I'm meant to be the responsible adult. No, that would look way more trouble.

It was enough trouble just being with me and I'm me. You're right. I was exhausted. I know, I can feel it. That drive home, I was like, God, good to get a break from Ash. You were lonely. I drove back by myself and those seven hours, no one wanted to talk to me. I called Laura.

I was like, hey, babe. And she's like, yeah, you called me. I was like, bro, we've just spent three days to. together in a car. You were hungry most of it. So I had to try and appease you the whole time. And then now you're calling me to blow. Hey, what are you up to? Anyway, we're back in one piece. Well, one piece is a, I did fall a lot. You did exceptionally well. I'm very proud of you. Thank you. I did hit the fence. We need to talk about housekeeping. We do. I love it. We need to talk about housekeeping. A couple of messages. Last week you told a story about

being on a flight back home. Someone next to you ate eggs. Oh, the eggs. Yeah. Actually, a lot of people. I can't look at eggs the same anymore. You don't like eggs. I love eggs. I do love eggs. They've been ruined. They've been tarnished. Oh, they just need to be not hard boiled. Well, you actually haven't been too hard done by. It's not your best work, but it's good. It's not my best. I'll admit that. Good enough for me. Just really quickly. Before I get into these messages, Marley's really into jokes at the moment. And just because that's the really shit joke that I told, Marley thinks that if words rhyme, it's a joke. She's not wrong. So she's like, why did the chicken cross the road? And I'm like,

I don't know. She's like, to see the toad, road toad. Very good. I think that's creative. Yeah, but it's not a joke. It rhymes. You're right. It rhymes.

It's a poem. Confusing being a kid. It's different. Ash. Yes. Two people rode in. Two people. That's heaps.

Holly says, Ash's rant from last week is definitely valid. He cannot be judged for having a late night. What? Yeah, because I was hung over. Relax, Holly. She loves me. Thanks for validating me, Holly. Being hung over and being sensitive to smell.

I am pregnant with my first baby and have been very ill with morning sickness all day. I was recently on a flight next to someone who brought curry on board. The absolute worst. Jeez. What kind of curry? Right to jail. There should be air marshals dragging that person off the plane immediately. It's like vaping.

There's no vaping. There's no curry on this flight. You might as well. bring a dead fish and put it in a microwave. Oh, remember those people who had fish at work and, like, work and they'd put in, oh, God. Guilty. You would.

I know. You like salmon. Oh. You freak. I will not be attacked to my own podcast. Haiti says, I was on a short one hour domestic flight and the girl next to me started painting her nails. The whole plane stunk of nail polish.

I kind of like the smell. Me too. She got told to put it away, but the damage had already been done. Oh, my goodness. It's just like no self-awareness. I kind of like the arrogance of just, you know, like, fuck it. It's like just like getting on a plane and whipping out your feet and cutting your toenails. Done that as well.

Ash, you've got some housekeeping. I do. How have I forgotten? Father's Day. Surfing. Oh, shit. Excuse me I do have some housekeeping

For us and the listeners Stop laughing at me Sorry sorry sorry sorry It's actually not housekeeping It's a giveaway We got a giveaway We do have a giveaway We are giving away

Five pro model jam pikelets Soft top foamy surfboards For your dad this summer But that's not all You'll get a personal message from me For Father's Day I don't think they want that though All you have to do

Who the fuck is this? Yeah, he's like, what fuck's this guy? He looks funny. Why's he so red? All you have to do is tag a dad in this post and what maybe just a couple of words of why your dad is a shredder. And we'll pick five, we'll announce it, we'll send him out. They'll be in your hands for 2025, 26 summer. You'll figure it out.

That's okay. And I think on that note, that is the end of housekeeping. Oh, that's a shame. It's a damn shame A lot of people have been asking me About the whereabouts of the one and only Ellie Johnson, aka Nana Yes

She is still living here She has been a little bit quiet People thought she died But we've checked her pulse Still there She's just resting She is just resting A little bit cold

But it's because it's winter Yes It's winter But she has had surgery And I thought We would peel her out of her bedroom She is in recovery phase at the moment. She's very drugged up on painkillers, but let's get a little check in with

Nana. You have a sling on, a very technical looking one. It's got Clips, Velcro, it's got it all. Everyone was asking if you're alive. You are alive, thank goodness. This is AI voice from Nana. She has come so far. I told someone yesterday that she got a boob job. Yes, she did. Yes. Those who don't know Ellie, I did do a post about it. the other day. But what prestige? It wasn't a boob job. So I tore my rotator cuff.

You are an athlete. Yeah, well. How'd you tear it? Oh, that's complicated because they thought I'd frayed it over time. And then something innocuous, something little just tore it. Freed over time because of your age. Yeah, that happens to elderly people. You're not elderly.

I'm waiting for Ash to make a joke about masturbating. Well. There was a reference to that in my story. Anyway, so yeah, so I had to have surgery because surgeons said if I didn't, the rip would get longer and my shoulder would just pop through and I'd need a whole shoulder reconstruction. So I had to do it. Exactly what you want at 73.

Yeah. And look at that age, what do you do? Well, yeah. I mean, what do you mean? I was kidding. I was kidding. No, that is a genuine question. You know what's really funny, Buster only has three legs.

You nearly could have been matching. Yes, but does Buster drive? Does he cook? Does he do the laundry? You don't drive? I can't imagine you behind a wheel of a motor vehicle. Oh, my goodness. Where was the last time you drove?

In Brisbane. And how long ago was that? Well, there was horse and cars. No, I don't drive in Sydney. I have to admit. No, it was tough for us because we had the, we had the, choice of like, you know, we're going to lose Nana for a, six weeks. Six to eight weeks, right at the time of when Laura's about to give birth,

extremely selfish, if you ask me. Yeah. But you all said do it. So I blame you guys. You'll be better for it, hopefully. Well, that is the hope that the outcome is a good one. Okay. Yeah.

So I went in, had the procedure. And, you know, the doctor came in after surgery and said, Oh, that tear was much longer than we thought. And your bones were a bit spongy, which is not what you want to hear. Because of your age. Yeah. He said it's quite normal. So we had to put screws in much further into the bone.

Like a rotten piece of wood? Well, you could say that. That's a very good analogy. That's not a bad analogy. A rotten piece of wood. Yeah. That really makes me feel good. But you know, I love you, though, when I say it with love.

He loves all types of wood. I'm a wood guy. Yeah. So there you go. Had the surgery and I thought was all kind of going okay because they put this block into your shoulder, which gives you 24 hours anesthetic. So you don't feel your shoulder when you wake up at all.

It's numb, in fact. I would love some of that. Everything was going fine. But I have to say, now, Ash and Jess, Matt will know this. I am very accident. I know that too. know that already. I know that too. Now, some things happen by design. You know, I do something

silly. I'm clumsy. Other things just happen. And I have no idea how it came about. No idea. Just before you go into that, she says, you won't know this about me. We had you on when you went to Europe and it was accident after accident. I'm well aware of the accident. I had forgotten. I had forgotten. Anyway, go on. Sorry. So there I am. middle of the night, in bed, and I'm... Post-surgery. So I'm waking up, and I'm vaguely aware that the bed is wet. Oh, no.

And I'm thinking, oh, my... When you say vaguely aware, because you're still under the influence? Well, I'm still asleep, and I'm post-surgery and there's still, I suppose. It's hazy. It's hazy. And I'm thinking, oh, I'm embarrassing. I've wet the bed. Oh, your poor thing.

So I put the light on and I swear to you, I look down at the bed. It's like a Tarantino movie and it's just covered in blood. Your blood. I mean, I'm thinking my blood and I'm thinking, where the hell did this happen? Wow. And so then what I have to say, though, before you go into surgery, they put a cannula. in your hand you know that little oh yes yeah and i was linked up to a drip somehow without my knowing without feeling anything somehow in the night i had torn

this cannula out of my hand and ripped my vein oh and it was just bleeding everywhere and you were asleep so you could have bled out I didn't even know that I'd done it. Why is no one checking on Nana? So then I looked at the end of this four-inch needle that was sticking out. Oh my goodness. Out of my hand. And I notice it's still pumping from the drip that's next to the bed.

That should have been pumping into me, but it was pumping. And that was why the bed was wet. And so it just the whole thing was awful. And you love being pumped in. I should have been getting the pumping. There's a mixture of the IV. So there's a mixture of this IV being pumped, and I just still see it going out of the needle.

Your blood. Because you know when you mix blood and water, it really spreads. It really spreads. Anyway, so what do I do? I call a nurse. This nurse walks in, and she stands there, and she goes, oh my god what were you doing during the night we got a bleeder yeah yeah i don't know what i did and she looks at me as blaming you yeah wow so then the process of changing all the bed

and cleaning up everything getting a doctor in to put the cannula back into my hand and i'm thinking how did this happen to me? Why does this happen to me? So I was all cleaned up and very when I kept a kind of a low profile thinking they already think I'm a nutcase. But the disconcerting thing was that with the change of staff in the morning, the night nurse came in with three other new nurses. This is the troublemaker. Yes. And so, well, well, they didn't say anything. They just came in and I heard the night nurse sort of mumbled here. And I'm sure. So she was saying, you've got to fucking watch this one. This is the nutcase who rips cany and she bleeds everywhere.

She's really to keep your eye on that one. No one like so. So that was a little experience. I could have done you. Wow, you could have bled out. I could have bled out. You did. You bloody made a joke of being like, this might be the last video we ever do before you went into surgery.

Yeah, I did to do that joke. I was just thinking like, I was something happens. But how can you do? How can you rip a four inch needle? Rip your vein out. You must have just... You want to ask someone who's got experience with things that are four inches, Ash, take it away.

Three inches. Okay. That's very funny. I was going to say, you started to talk about changing the sheets and stuff, and I just got PTSD immediately because changing sheets in the middle of the night. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Anyway, so here I am now. Here you are. And it's like, I guess it's been a week. It's been one week. How the thing's tracking? Have you had a check up yet? Tomorrow. I see the surgeon tomorrow.

hopefully he'll say it's all good. And she's still, I've got to knock her over and be like, get out of the kitchen. No, I don't do too much. You're doing the dishwasher last night. I was like, fuck. Yeah, you're right. Get to it. Actually, I was going to say the kitchen needs a good spruce.

She was trying to make some raisin toast this morning with one hour. Oh, that's good. The raisin toast kept escaping her as she was trying to put butter on it. Oh, I like that. That was true. I was like, just ask for help. I know. What are you doing?

Yeah. What is it with your generation? and not asking for help. Yeah, what is that? I don't know. I don't know. Just ask for help. The other day I went to my grandmother's house.

Not that you're the same generation. She's just in, she's very old. You're young and sprightly. I'm trying not to get cancelled. And I went around to her house and she's on the roof. What fuck are you doing on the roof? And she was like, what are the roof tiles is wobbly? I'm like, okay, two.

questions. How did you figure that out? And two, how the fuck did you get up there? Anyway, she's got the extension ladder out. She's on the fucking roof. 88. No. God. Although if she falls, that a little bit of inheritance wouldn't be too bad right now. I could use the cash, Nan.

So get back up on the roof after it rains. Well, Nana talks about the nurse coming in. I bet you any money. She was there one hand trying to change the sheet. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Where's the linen covered? I'll unload the dishwasher while I'm at it.

spurt and blood as she walks down the hallway. I'm glad you're back in one piece. Yes. And well, look, I've got to be in this sling night and day for another five weeks, which will be a trial. And you said, she goes, do not bring up the fact that you have to do my hair. And I said, I would never dream of it. I did say that.

I know, I saw that. I said, don't embarrass me. Well, he's used to. He's got girls. Her hair looks great. It looks great. Well, I was going to do pigtails. Just shave it off. Oh.

Well, I know you, you want to go back to bed. You want to lay down. I am going to get some rest. I wish you was speedy recovery. Thank you. Please make sure you wash in and around it. She had, no, sorry. Because it was stink.

Where did you ever wash yesterday? Kate, my daughter, bless her cotton socks. She came yesterday and she put me in the shower. I can't believe I didn't get the call up. You were having a sponge bath. I can't believe I didn't get the call up for that job. No, I've had sponge baths, but she disrobed. me and took this off and put me in the shower. She did say, which would have been interesting,

she did say, shall I get in dressed and get in the shower, would you? And I said, I told you that in confidence. That won't be necessary. Well, thank you for jumping on. Next time you need a bath, give me a year. Sorry, Matt. That's right. You call me too. Dad. Yeah, Daddy. That's daddy. All right. So we'll have an update. Can I, should I help you get back to bed? Oh, I'll go. Yeah. And I'm glad that you're alive because...

I'm glad I'm alive. When Matt mentioned that people think that you're dead, I was like, actually, I haven't seen in ages. It's good to see Nana alive, I will say. A couple more weeks, she'll be up and at them, can't wait. To give her a sponge bath. I'm offended. She asked me to give her a sponge bath. I was first in line, and then next thing, my sister rocks up.

And I said, what are you doing here? She said, I'm here to bathe mum. Well, you clearly didn't say. Yes, quick enough. Quick, strip off and get this. But I was honored to give her hair a little. Doing hair is hard. I was trying to blow dry.

I'm not good at that shit. No surprise is there. Yeah, I mean, you've got two girls. I've got one, but April does her hair most of the time. I can, like, tie it up. You love that. That's it. Love that.

April or the hair? Both. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Stop giving me ideas. Sorry about that. I've got a little surprise. I have a surprise for you. Well, what's your surprise?

What's yours? No, what? Well, you know, say at the same time. It's a message. Message. A dickpicks. Oh, shit. I thought, look, the other day, you were a little bit stressed out.

You've had quite a bang-up year, some would say. You've had to deal with a lot of things, like renovations and a kid that's coming. anxiety around all that and getting everything ready and house falling apart because of nature. It's been a very, very stressful year. And at the same time, I was looking at you and your situation, Ash, and I was thinking, gosh, he is someone that works tirelessly. You know, you're getting pulled pill at a post. I'm also having fun.

I like to have fun. Yeah, don't worry. You're having fun. Along the way. But, you know, you're juggling multiple projects. Oh, yeah. And you're looking after your two gorgeous. kids being a great husband and I thought sometimes you need to smell the roses whilst they're

in blossom. Yeah, I was thinking the exact same thing. So I, what I did, do you want to know what I did first? Go on. I reached out to your lovely wife to see if she can get a little message from your kids for Father's Day to you. I did the same thing for you. Shut up. I messaged April. How dare you message my wife? Also, two things that your wife had to go up me about. One, I send a message for every line. So I sent her seven messages being like, hey, April, send. Why don't you if I can ask a favor? Send.

You're like, you don't have people like, don't double message. You're like, fuck that, I'm going for seven. Because it's easy to read a message when it's broken down like that. I was doing her a favor. And she was like, what's wrong with you, freak? You don't message me like that? Don't I? No.

And then she was like, anyway, after attacking me about the way I said messages, I said, can I get this message from you? And she goes, when do you need it by? I said, tomorrow. And she's like, for God's sake! I don't want to say that I know that you message to her. I don't know what about. But you did ask me for a phone number for a third time.

And quite frankly, I don't blame April for being a little bit annoyed with you. I'm going to play you a little bit of audio here. Okay. How many times have we given Matt your phone number? Several times. I'm actually pissed off the amount of times I've sent him stuff for photos. requests, anything he needs. You sent him photos like two days ago.

Yeah. A recent family photo he needed. And still, he hasn't saved my number. If anything, I'm actually like borderline pissed off. Wow. How long has you been your partner now? Business partner. And he still hasn't had my numbers.

Two and a half years? And it's unbelievable. He doesn't even remember my birthday. I've sent him three messages. Oh, my goodness. We got the. history up of her messaging you three the three text messages before this request okay of not just like hey like files of things that you need from her the tone on april the disappointment

i'm sorry well i'm so i look i've had to talk her down she was very worked up about it i know she was and i apologize thank you for stepping in there and helping out that's okay well i have Laura's number and I saved it in multiple places so I don't lose it. It is, it is saved. Okay, just, just know, from this moment on, from this moment on, I will never, ever, ever ask for April's number ever again. Okay, one more time, there's got to be some sort of punishment. I'll shave my head.

Wow. Yeah. I'm going to delete it out of your phone. All right. Back to the topic at hand. Because it is, it's Father's Day as well. Yeah. Should we also say to all the day?

out there who listen, happy Father's Day. Happy Father's Day to you guys, which was Sunday just gone. Yeah. I hope you were spoiled as you deserve. But also, I hope you spent the day with your kids and your family and... Really? I don't know. I'm just trying to be...

Sentimental. Hi, Daddy. I think I love you because you're so nice and you make me happy. When I'm feeling sad, you come to cheer me up. When you play with me, it's a very funny and you pretend to be a really silly monster. My favorite thing about Danny, Daddy, is because... Well, hang on a second, who's Danny?

Who the hell's Daddy? That one slipped, didn't she? The thing I love about Frank is... I mean, I mean, uh... He really pop her out of this. I love how she has to be prompt as well. Let's get back to the message, sorry. Do you love more, mommy or daddy?

Daddy! Daddy! Yeah, well, that's adorable. Happy Father's Day, Daddy. I love him having me to the bathroom, silly, every night. Carrier upside down by the legs. Yeah. Because it's just easier.

I think he's funny because he's always fun his dancing. He always does funny dancing. And he always give you tickles and he's a funny man, isn't he? Silly daddy. Happy Thursday, Daddy. I love you. I love you. You're the best daddy in the whole world.

You're the best daddy in the whole house. I love you too, Lola. That's adorable. Thank you. Thank you. We do a lot for them. You do everything for them. So why not?

It is weird when you're serious. Okay. I'm trying to be. I'm just strange. I'm not used to it. It's like getting something really spicy. I'm like, feel strange. It's going to come out the other end and it's going to stink.

Oh, my kids in the pajamas. And I will echo your thoughts, Ash. Happy Father's Day, Daddy. I love you. Like the Father's Day, I love you. And why do we love Daddy? Because it's Father's Day. What does he do for us?

He cleanses the toilet for us. Does he? Yeah. What does he do for us? And he cleans phones for us? Cleans phones. And he cleaned the whole mat. He did clean the way.

What does the mind about Daddy? Because he... That phone. Very good at... The photo. As if I don't meet you. Because he's very good at Lego. Yeah.

And can we say a big love you, Daddy? Love you, Daddy. Beautiful. Big love you, Daddy. Oh, love you, Daddy. So proud of everything you do. No kisses. Cute.

Oie. macy's um accent kills me oh wow view so cute oh thank you for that are you crying oh my god it's happened i am not am i that is that a tear not at all no way but i love how i've just diverted to being the kids cleaner for everything ah that's why i do it so i can go home and clean the toilet and the phones and the mat and the mat why am i clean that do you know why they said the mat because on the weekend i had to give it a deep clean so it's all i remember that we can only think back to like two days ago and i'm like uh what what does he do yes but anyway happy father's day to you matthew and right back at you big guy and to all the dads out there the granddads as well

guys we usually do parents here but it's father's day you don't have to justify this to anybody we do what we want very actually i love that attitude this is our podcast actually let's not adopt that attitude because we could get out of hand if we just do what we want. So do we apologize or? Nah, stop him. I do what I want, remember. But we're going to do some questions to finish this off. And one that is a reoccurring question, which continues to come back up because it is great.

Is things not to say to a parent? Every time we do this, we're like, surely that's enough. We've covered all the potential idiotic things you can say to a mother or a dad. And yet the people of the world keep putting their foot in it, saying stupid. Stupid things to parents, which is so dumb. And so this is, it's not just a chance for parents to talk about the things that they've had thrown at them, but also just like a little bit of advice to anyone out there, boomers, looking at you guys.

I know, fuck, they were all that. I know, but they're all right. We better put this on Facebook because that's where they all are. See, if you're going to speak to a parent, just run back to this segment, quick little refresher. Just check. double check. If any of the things you're about to say matches up with the things that we say in this segment,

then don't fucking say it. Yeah. And I'm going to start with just a personal one really quick that happened to me over the weekend and I'm going to call this person out. Who was it? His name's Giorgio. Is he Italian? I would assume so. Yeah. It's a bit bit of barbitty.

Anyway, he is on another podcast called Kick It Forward. I know, George. You know, Georgie. He's the short one. He's the short one. Short king, some may say. He's the list guy. He's fredd. He's jacked.

I spent some time with him in America. He's jacked. Anyway, they did a live show. We were meant to go. I couldn't go. Okay. I said to him, hey, sorry, I can't come tonight. My wife's a bit overwhelmed with the kids.

I've got to stay home. And his response was, I get it. I've got a dog. Oh! You just made the list, buddy. And he did say after I was like, how dare you say that to me? dogs are not kids

and also it's a great way to deflect when you're like apologising for something and then you can then quickly spin it and be like actually you're the fucking problem yeah yeah yeah and he was like he actually baited me with it he was like I do that to all parents and so he knows what he's doing

and we don't appreciate it he listens to the segment I know yeah he was like avid listener of that segment anyway he's an informed individual not do never never and we harp on about this all the time Never compare your pets to a parent's kids. Never.

All right, Ash, this one is from Katrina. Hello, Katrina. And this is on behalf of her friend. It's the people you think you know who are the real problem here, the culprits. So this is, sorry, actually, I'm going to retract that statement. This is her friend submitting it. Okay. Okay.

You're with me? I'm with you. Okay. I apologize about that. No worries. I was very quick to point the finger at the friend. It's always the friends you're going to worry about. I know.

I wouldn't do it the time. She had a kid's 18 months apart, and a random lady said to her at the shops, oh, he was a mistake, wasn't he? Oh my God, what? Someone, okay, first of all, the way she said it was a lady, we know the age of that lady, roundabouts. Uber. Totally. Oh, why would you, they're brazen.

Brazen. Brazen. Oh, that is dreadful. Sorry that you had to endure that. This one's from Eva. Oh, God, this is going to trigger some people. Eva says, someone said to her, what do you mean? You're not giving her chocolate for her first Easter at four months old.

Someone, okay. You can give them chocolate, can you, for my time? No, they're on breast milk, bro. Sorry. We're going to melt it down, put it in a bottle. Actually, that sounds delicious. But, like, just butt out, man. Like, first of all, it's science.

How old are babies when they start having solids? Must be, like, over six months. Okay. Yeah, they've got to, like... Four months, close enough? No, I think, like, just butt out. All right. She got a second one there.

There's another one here that says, when you're trying for a baby and people say, are you sure you're doing it right? We've been having anal non-stop. Don't ask me. Ask him. From Zoe, my four-month-old has been barely sleeping during the night, and I got told to just ignore the baby and sleep through it.

Oh my God. And then they also said, you should just meditate when the baby screams. When that was said, I was meditating, slapping them. Just meditate or just sleep through. Terrible advice. That's someone giving you advice who probably hasn't even held a kid or seen a kid. I reckon that I was a dad saying that Do what I do.

Just ignore it. To what I do and sleep right through. Oh, the amount of times when Marley and Lola were younger and I'd wake up after a pretty good night's sleep and I'd go... Not this freight train. Yeah, my gosh, it's almost like a bloody like he's peeling off wallpaper.

But I would say, oh, the kids, they slept pretty well last night. I've done that too. Laura would then turn ahead and look at me bags under rising, like, what did you just say to me? Yeah, so like if you're a dad, don't say that. No, doesn't matter how good the sleep was always just say, God, I was up four times with the kids last night. You slept through it and then blame it on them.

Yeah, get ahead of it. Get ahead of it, I say. Okay, this one's from, okay, I'm going to mess the pronunciation of this name. I mean, when do you not? Keylala, come on. Kiala. Okay. Kayla. Key Lala.

Key Lala. Key Lala. I'm done with that. That's fun. Beautifully said. Key Lala. Here we go. That's a name that we haven't thought about for number three.

Key Lala. Add an extra R in there. Kila Lala. Just keep it going. I'm widely on... You've got the long one. That's what she said. Sorry.

That was actually pretty good. Okay. Okay, I am wildly onto my third pregnancy and we'll have three under three for a week. Good thing, it's only a week. Why is that fine? It's just like. It was the delivery, wasn't it? Yeah, but also like that pain will be endured for a very long time.

No, after the week, it's fine. Once I get through this week. Yeah, just get to Sunday. I tell you right now it's going to be much easier. On Monday morning, she's like, why? It's still so fucking hard. Thought this was over. Anyway, my female mum of three boss.

What? My female mum of three boss. God, it'll be here all day. I thought, can you read it? With my first, she says, I didn't announce until about 20 weeks to my boss since I wasn't necessarily showing and I was in a high labor farming job.

where I knew they'd make me do light duties straight away. Isn't that good? Wouldn't you know? I thought you said she was aura farming. No, no. Good energy over here. So I held off as long as she could. That's like, that is Jesus.

Like, that's admirable. I tell you right now, I would love light duties. Yeah, right. Now. Give me something lighter than this. Ash is there going, well, I'm pregnant. Like, Ash, you're a man. Yeah, I know.

I need those light duties. I'm surprised too. My female mom of three boss replied, oh, I thought you were just getting fat. Me, or it's winter and I've been wearing a jumper and some days long pants. And the boss replied, your legs are just getting chunky. Oh my goodness. And she's a mom. Yeah.

Well. Okay, ladies, she says. Well, how do you even respond to that? I don't know. Slap him in the face. To give perspective, I'm five full. for about 50 to 55 kilos, healthy-ish kind of gal, who went on to having a shy of nine-pound big baby boy. My size or not, fuck off with your body-shaming comments when people are

pregnant. I thankfully haven't necessarily gone back to work there since my first because even announcing the third, the comments started again. Yeah, dude. That is fucked up. Isn't it? I think commenting on anyone's weight, especially in a workplace, that's a fireable offense. You just don't do it. You just don't do it. It's called common sense. Who's breeding these people? For God's sake. I'll ask it a question, eh? Oh, we're doing the last question. Last question. We'll wrap this up in a nice piece.

Oh, it's long as well. What are you doing me? You're a great reader. This is, don't patronise me. This is from Nairie. Got that right, I think. I don't know. That's condescending. The fact that people still put their names when they send in any questions to this podcast, it's a miracle. I know, I love it. We'd love to know your thoughts on joint birthday party protocol. We all know my thoughts on that. My son has been invited to a joint sixth birthday party.

He is friends with one of the boys but doesn't have anything to do with the other boy. Oh, whoa. Okay. Hang on. Is it rude to only buy a gift for my son's friend or should I buy two gifts? Also, they have invited the whole class. I say with that that's the parents gift farming I just coined a phrase

where you over-invite people to give your kid gifts so that you don't have to go out and buy all these gifts that they want it. But don't you think it's a trade-off, right? You're providing the venue. If you live there, you pay rent, you pay mortgage, it doesn't matter. You're cleaning the house, you're getting the preparation,

you're feeding the child, you get activities. You could budget your way out of that And come out on top I know what they're doing It's in exchange It's an exchange here It's a tradition as old as I think it's a con

What, birthday parties? Yeah, you already know my thoughts on that I sneak my kids into other people's birthdays All the time I've only ever thrown one birthday party It's like wedding crashes But for birthday parties Birthday crashes

For those of you who are new to the podcast Ash walks the parks On Saturdays and Sunday mornings With his children Around their birthday time Once he spots A bunch of balloons tied to a gazebo He is in there.

And he's like, hey, good to see you guys again. Most of the time I'm doing it silently. Or it's a friend. Because it just so happens that a friend of mine's kid was born on the same day, not the same year. His kid's younger. So when that kid was born on that day, I was like, thank God. This is going to save you so much money, this kid.

And now it's now it's Macy's birthday whenever it's his birthday. So would Macy get presents from other guests? No, they wouldn't. No, because I've snuck her in. Yeah. I just get to the end of happy birthday to who, whoever's the kid, and then I just go, Anne Macy!

Why don't you actually get in there earlier and get her name I put on the invite? I will need. That's what I'm working on. And so then... I did cop a bit of hate for this, though. Remember, people were like, how dare you deprive the child of a birthday?

I was like, well, we celebrate privately. But the thing is, Ash, you're starving the child or something that will only enjoy at a young age, okay? We don't know, it's like a ticking time bomb. They've got plenty of years ahead of it. When they'll stop enjoying being sung to,

happy birthday. The sooner the better. Right? There's a, finite number of times they will enjoy that song being sung to them. No one enjoys that song. The kids do. How dare you?

No. Even when we sing it to Oscar as a family, he's like, he's there loving it. And you're like, so he hates it. He's in pain right now. Yeah, he probably is.

I was. I am every time someone pops up and starts singing happy birthday. Just because it hurts you, doesn't mean it's going to hurt your son. Okay. Well said. Okay. Put that on shut.

Don't you steal my lines. How do you steal my lines? So what I'm trying to say is, just give two birthday presents. No. I think. It's 20 bucks. 20 bucks, my guy.

20 bucks, okay, it's as much to you as it is to them, right? What do you mean by that? So $20 is $20, okay? Well, wait a second, slow down. It's as much to you as it is to them. No, it was the next statement. What'd you say? 20 bucks is 20 bucks?

Yeah. Yeah. That's lost me. Yeah, yeah. So $20 to you might mean something different to someone else. So 20 bucks isn't 20 bucks? Well, it is. The amount's the same.

That means different. It's different. Yeah, so it's not 20 bucks. Well, it is because that's the around figure. No, 20 bucks is 20 bucks to you, but it's not 20 bucks to someone else. 20 bucks to someone else. That $20 to you means something else that it does to someone else. Okay, so that $20 are still 20, but it might mean someone might be less fortunate.

It might mean to miss out on a meal. So it's 40. No. It might mean that $20 that I am buying a gift for, means that we might miss out on a meal for my family that I love very much. Yes. I'm going to take you on a guilt journey right now. That's a lie.

Okay. A lie to me. But you know what I mean? So $20 is going to be $20, but it might mean less to you than it does to someone else. Let's agree to disagree. Okay. Okay. Okay.

You sure? I'm positive. Really? Don't ask me twice. So, okay, I'm just thinking like right here that I would go, if I don't know the other kid whatsoever. Okay, there's no repercussions or backlash on that. I'm buying the kid I know a present. Put it in the pile. Actually, fuck it. I'm not buying any presents. No one's going to know. I was like, yeah, I'll make a point of it when I get there. It's like, where's the present pile?

I'll say that. So people are like, okay, he's looking for the present pile. So he must have presents to put in there. And then after, maybe after the first beverage, if there's beverage there, I'd be like, yeah, I'd just put my present in the pile over there. Maybe you got lost. Gaslight. saved 40 bucks there. In your maths, 80. It was 20 bucks, bro. It's going up now.

I'm just saying, not everyone can afford to fork out $20 on a kid they don't know. Oh, fuck off. Like, am I right? No, drag her in. Okay, look. If I think... We're different people and I need to appreciate that.

I think if you, like, I love to give gifts to people that I know and love. Don't try and paint yourself as something different. to what you actually are. If you're going to buy gifts for both, then you do it within the means that you think is appropriate. Not Matt's $20 rule that he's just brought out. Don't be such a wuss and stick by your comments of like, I don't buy anything for anyone else.

Yeah, I'm just trying to even it out of the video. No, fuck it. I'm not getting these kids anything. They're not going to remember. If we don't get invited the next year, that's a win. And on that note, If ever there was a nod to why we don't give advice That question was the most dribble answer

That I could have possibly given But if you've enjoyed this episode Please Reviews, subscribe We get a lot of lovely comments on Spotify Send us 20 bucks And follow us where On Instagram or TikTok

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Okay, bye. This is awkward. Let's go. Two Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. Thank you.