Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #171 I'm Going To Be A Dad (Again) Any Second Now!

Episode Date: September 16, 2025

Baby Johnson #3 is about to arrive any minute now. (Hopefully, before Matty J lets slip the inducement date, IYKYK). The girls are PUMPED for a baby sister.  So, it's time to get the nursery ready and make room for the baby, and there's only one place you turn to when going through a clean-out: Facebook Marketplace. So far, it's been a total nightmare.  There's also been a thief who's infiltrated the household, and the finger is pointed at Marlie-Mae.  Ash is about to tear his hair out because Oscar is obsessed with Beyblades and somehow, it's tearing the family apart.  We also answer your parenting questions:  Things you should never say to a parent!   If your child was invited to a joint party, do you gift both kids? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is just dawned on me. Well, what I was. Bear with me. Yeah. You're going to be a dad this month. Do you know how I know that? There's a bassinet over there. Yeah, I've got to fucking clear out the room upstairs.

I made such good progress and I kind of moved everything out to the hallway. Yep. And then I had to put things back in. I hate that. And it's made more mess. You're trying to like logistically move shit out. And you're like, okay, move this out to get this out. And then you realize that you've just made it a whole job.

new mess in the hallway, and then he said, I'll move this back in! Oh, my God. Just bored the room up. Welcome back to two doting dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast that happens to be all about parenting. It is the good.

It is the bad. And the relatable. And if you've come for advice, well, that's your first mistake because you're not going to get any on this episode, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Here's some advice.

Don't expect advice. Thank you. We want a T-shirt. Thank you. Anyway. Yeah, I thought we were locked in for a date to be, we,

Laura to be induced. Like, I swear, the obstetrician was like, this is the date you're getting into. I don't fucking tell people that. Oh, shit, sorry. So we had to beep that out

because I've given away too much. Well, that was my fault. come for me if she wants, but I actually don't. Don't send them my way. But also you're so far away that when she can't reach you, I'm then next in line. My plan works perfectly. Genius. But yeah, look, stressful, stressful a couple of days, still haven't got everything quite ready. We gave away the foldout bed. You did. Gave that away. That went off. Gave that away in the kindi chat on WhatsApp. I need it back. I thought I was giving it to one of the parents. And then they were offloading it to one of their friends. I hate where people do.

I was getting rid of it so it's gone it's gone but I thought it's funny that you're happy to get rid of something that's free but then you care about where it goes also we were like because we're moving we're like culling everything like we are I'm being ruthless

what do you what do you like what's something that you weren't sure about to keep or throw it's mainly like it's mainly like bulky a furniture that I'm like I'm just sick of looking at this fucking thing it's just like that have gone from house to house to house and like, you know what? I'm done with you.

Time is up. I know. So like, a good example is like the chest of drawers, right, that's got two sides. So it used to be Macy and Oscar side. I feel like chest of drawers are the cockroach of the furniture world. Oh, my God. Because they're practical. They won't die.

Even if they're just like, they're chipped, they've been banged about, they've been beaten up. And then April, a combination of throwing things, just throwing things out because it could I can't be asked with Facebook people. For like 50 bucks. Not even. Like 20 bucks. I know people, okay,

what do you think is the lowest that you should be allowed to sell an item for on Facebook? Free? Yeah, obviously, obviously. But like,

at what point does the price become so low that you just offer it for free? Oh, anything under 50 bucks. Ooh. Unless it's like, unless it's like a pair of socks or something. Who the fuck is selling socks?

Don't you worry. They're wrong there. I've got to, really quick funny story for you because the thing I don't like about it is I don't mind I said to April I'm like I'm chucking this shit out and she's like no let me put it on marketplace I'm like yeah that's fine but I'm not doing any of the work I'm not lifting a finger for these people these people that because I know whatever nightmare it is so she put this up for free got about 50 messages of people asking questions the chest of drawers and then we finally

narrowed it down well she did not me finally narrowed down to someone who's going to pick it up and they're like I'll be there in 15 minutes I'm like great they were great they're like April was like oh I was like tell them your husband's not home so I don't have to help carry it and they've got to bring someone to help carry it genius there's not my first lap around the block anyway um two minutes later I can't make it today I'm sorry it's like oh for fuck sake what has happened in two minutes your whole life has been altered in two minutes so that's what I hate about the whole situation getting roped into help so for example my friend Miles he was giving uh giving away a fridge

Because he was moving out of his apartment And he was like, I don't need it He was going flying flat for work He's like, I don't need it Put it on A young girl said Okay, great, I'll take it Right?

And he said, cool, here it is Come and grab it This is my dress She got there Rocks up in a barina Literally, it was a corolla Anyway, With no one to help her

And Miles is like How are you going to carry this? Friges 100 kilos Do you reckon you could help me? He's a big boy though He's a big boy So he got roped into carrying it down the stairs

of a unit block then where are we going to put it? He's got a Ute guess what it's in the back of his Ute and then she was like How are these people getting by in life? I know so he had to follow her all the way

to her house and then unload it and put it in her fridge section Where do you live? Victoria? Anyway, now they're getting married But like that's what scares the shit out of me Not your children being injured Any type of loss of life?

Just helping people load furniture into a car. Yep. Can't stand it. I was very specific when I was giving away that fold-out couch because it comes apart. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, you can. As a single person, as an individual,

you could make the trip by yourself. You could. But just checking, I've got many phone calls to make tomorrow. And I'm just checking, there will be two of them collecting. And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, because I've got the very important phone calls. I cannot be unloading any type of furniture whilst the important phone calls are being made

You're just on hold I had to pretend I was like Oh hey yeah yes I buy high sell low That's what people do I was like I'm not giving away a bloody couch And then loading it up Oh yeah I'm not doing that shit I'm not some idiot

I know taking advantage of The funny thing is after that happened with Miles He rang me and told me the story And I'm like if she had you immediately mate She knew what she was doing So yeah Giving away a lot of shit If anyone wants anything.

What do you, what are you going? Well, you were meant to take my fridge and the couch and you backed out of both. That's just how I roll. Fuck you. I'm, oh, no, I'm one of them. Anyway, housekeeping. Housekeeping, housekeeping. What are we got?

From house moving to housekeeping. I know. This is like a lifestyle podcast. Speaking of lifestyle. Yes. Part of housekeeping. Are we up to that yet? Oh, come on.

Spread the fucking news. Well, there was a little... A time ago where... No one cares, Ash. No one cares about your show. Matt and I went head to head in an audition for a particular TV show that is now been announced

as healthy, wealthy and wise. To audition, there was a ring. They greased us both up. And they were like, now fight to the death. Ash beat me. I had my way with you. Anyway, so it's been announced that healthy, wealthy,

wise is being reboot it's a lifestyle show from the 90s and yours truly is somewhat of a co-host the irony that you were on a show called healthy I'm neither of those things or neither of any of those things I'm nor healthy wealthy or wise damn it I used that joke immediately when I had the audition and they loved it so that's why I got the job I was just sitting there with my abs out being like this. Is this what you want? Or oil them up in the shower. Anyway, yes, so that has been announced. There's no date when it's going to start.

Congratulations. Thank you. I'm very proud of you. I play a role that is... You know, I trained you up. I got you to this point. You know, I... All of my wisdom that I have accumulated over 10 years of working in this entertainment industry,

I've passed on to you... You sound like a jealous ex-girlfriend. You've used it against me. I didn't use it against you. I used my own personality and my own brain. Thank you very much. And my own words. Yes.

That's what I did. So anyway, I am made out to be part of the production of the show, but they crossed to me as a bit of a co-hosty sort of role. But yeah, congratulations to me. You, you're so handsome. I'm talking to me because I'm going to watch it back later. of course Anyway, so yeah

that comes out it's gonna be on Channel 7 Saturday night I don't know when but it'll probably after the grand final stuff like that anyway

what do you got nothing that sounds about right anyway do you know what jealousy is an ugly colour on you oh shut up

now that you're getting having three kids you're turning into a bitter oh yeah so bitter you're like shut up about

you've got you've got TV shows I've just got more children to look after same thing oh this is unfair

Unfair. Okay, we've got some mail, Ash, because housekeeping also doubles up as mailbag. Just introducing new segments every week. This is called Mailbag segment. This one is from Rachel. She just has a little dinner hack. Did you reach into the mailbag to get this hack out?

Yes. Good. Just want to visualize what's happening. Okay, best dinner hack idea, because we're all about showing things to make you like, healthier, wealthier, wiser. And wise, yeah, that's what I'm all about. Actually, I could use some of that.

We had the same hectic dinner routine like Matt did, talking about the girls, and this genuinely fixed it. We do surprise bowls. Go on. So the surprise bowls are after dinner. Basically, something sweet that is covered up by a bowl turned upside down, so it's hiding. It's always something different, for example,

a photo frog, new lollies, a lollipop, a few squares of chocolate. et cetera. So instead of just being like, oh, I've got a fredo if you eat all that, you're like, if you eat all that, you get to open the surprise bowl. I fucking love that. So they don't get to know what is in the surprise bowl until they have finished their dinner. They eat so much faster.

And they both even compete now with who can get it first. It's changed in a time from a one and a half hour drag out to being 15 minutes. It is such a win. Oh, it's all fun in games until someone chokes. If you use this on your fucking show, okay? You're not getting credit. She's getting credit. Yeah, I have stuff, Rachel.

Just to leave that name out of there right now. Look, I think that's brilliant, except for the increasing the speed of which the food is, because that's a potential hazard. Shut up. Okay. Shut up. Next.

I mean... I think I'm just saying, Oscar's prone to joking. Is he really? Sometimes. How fast is it eating? Everything's a race. Everything's a race when you got boys.

Oh, mate. With Lola, my God. Oh my God. You mean the future Matilda? How dare you trying to? You just let her fly. Let her spread her wings on the soccer field and eat as fast or as slow as she likes. It was literally like Rachel said here.

It was an hour and a half. And I went through the whole, like, well, if you're not going to eat your dinner, you can go to bed. She was like, oh. I know. She walks up the stairs. And I'm like, no, you will sit back down here. I know, I get you. I'm like, all the goalpost is always moving when you're trying to discipline a child.

If I, yeah, Macy's pulled the, okay, well, if you don't eat, then you can just go to bed. She's like, okay, I'm tired, anyway. I'm naked. Oh, thank God. I have to do bedtime now either. What else we got for housekeeping, my guy? Okay, we don't have a baby update other than it's close. It's close.

It's looming. It's close. We are seconds, hours perhaps, from baby number three arriving. What are you feeling right now about it? This will sound weird, but it still kind of feels like it's not happening. Yeah. It feels like Laura's just had like a really upset tummy. It keeps growing.

Yeah. Outwards. Outwards, getting big. It just doesn't. I think with two kids, you're just so focused on them that I haven't really had a moment to really understand what's about to happen. Every now and then, there's some... You're about to have a baby, man.

I don't understand what's going to happen is my third one. Every now and then I get a little taste of what I'm in for. A friend's got a three-month-old. Another friend of parent at school, they have a little bit younger, about two months old. They're so little, hey. So tiny, so fragile. And so I'll hold them and I'll be like, oh, this is what it's going to be like. Take it back.

Take it back. Take it back. Newborns are so boring. Yeah, that's true. I love them. Yeah, like holding it for like a minute. Then I'm like, I'm next. Give me a puppy or something.

Yeah. How do I feel? How do I feel? Look, every now and then, I do have a little freak out where I'm thinking to myself, Jesus, how are we going to manage? Actually, actually, I've got an announcement to make. Shut up. You're having a kid.

Okay, you may have your TV show. What are you got? I've got something that you don't have. Okay, go on. Climidia. Well, jokes on you. I've been making a lot of clemedia jokes lately. You have.

How are the girls feeling about having a little sister? Yeah, they're pumped. They're really excited. Girls love babies. Yeah, except I'm like, I'm trying to say to them, like, you don't realize what you're in for, okay? You look happy now and you're excited, but the reality is, this is going to be a fucking nightmare. Yeah, when you have to wait, when you wake up because this baby's crying, you're going to hate it there. And I'm not going to give you any of my energy because it's all going to go to this baby.

And they're like, mom, dad's scaring me. So, and then nanny's bloody got around. But overall, very excited. That's good. Thank you. Matt, you have two girls. one that looks like you, which is Marley, and the other looks exactly like Laura. This is going to sound arrogant, Ash, but I'm going to say both children look like me.

And both children are gorgeous, very beautiful children. Very handsome. Thank you. And I've always known that. I've always known that it was, I've always known that my children are very good looking. And I can now say that I am responsible for that. They are handsome girls. And also with a third girl, do you reckon that maybe that one's going to be skew if and look like Laura?

No, they will all look like me. Okay. And it's exciting because new research has just come out, Ash. Okay, where did you find this research from? Instagram. Great. So it's credible. Very credible.

Studies find that kids often get their good looks from their dad. I knew it. That's why my kids are so handsome and so charming and beautiful. It doesn't say personality here. just roll it all into one. But according to studies, your kids' good looks most likely come from dad. However, their brains from mum. Okay, research studied over 10,000 families and found out the genes for things like

jaw lines, eye color and overall wow factor, how is that measured? You usually show up stronger from the dad's side. How is that measured? I'll tell you how. It's measured. So when someone walks into a room, it depends how loud that people go, oh, wow. Wow factor. no good

okay moving on now let me ask you a quick question would you prefer your kids would you prefer to be the one for their looks or the one for their brain which one gotta go looks pretty privilege

yeah fuck the brain it's hidden it's all the way back in there somewhere can't even see it I can't tell I okay Marley does look like me

I feel like she's very smart so does that Oh, no, that's, I've got, yeah, the looks, brains are from Laura. You're the mimbo. What's that mean? Like me, man, bimbo. And that's housekeeping done. Oh, they're relieved.

We can relax now. I do love it. Okay, Matt. Our house has been terrorized by something. Go on. I want you to tell me if you know what this is. Yeah, it's a, what do you call it? Little zing.

It's a bayblade. A bayblade. They have made their resurgence back from the dead. Is that metal? Oh, yeah. There's a bit of weight to this thing. Now, the reason I've got to gripe with this thing... Is it Dragon Ball Z?

No. Sorry. The reason I've got a gripe with this thing is they were pretty popular when I was a kid. And they've come full circle, like things do, come back into popularity. Yes. And I would say at the start of the year, Oscar got onto these, okay? and the problem is with them that these kids obsess over them so much that it alters their personality and of course we know how these young kids you know sort of five six they can be easily

persuaded their moods can change they lock in they can't regulate there's all sorts of issues anyway you put that unregulated emotion in the house with something like this you've got a recipe for disaster. So Oscar was given a couple of them for Christmas back last year, last Christmas. Yeah. I was fine with them. But you know, you get two of them. They battle. They make a lot of noise. I quickly started to hate it so much because he would also like, it would become his whole personality, this fucking thing. And then he, I found an opportunity to get rid of them out of the house, which was he called his mother a naughty name. And my reaction. And my reaction. action was, that's it.

They're banned. Because he would have never, ever spoken to his mum like that before they came out. Oh, God. So, anyway, that was, what are we now, August? September. Shit. Oh, no wonder I'm tired. Anyway, I banned them from the house.

Completely banned them. He was, he understands why. He still knows now that I said to him, hey, why, you know why they're banned. He said, yeah, I called Mommy. You don't want to know what he called her? Yes. I can beat this out. A dirty little rat.

what happened nothing what happened to him and also that's not the worst thing in the world yeah but he's a he was a he's a six year old he shouldn't be talking and I said to him you do not talk to girls like that mate that's like um who's that guy from the departed jack nicholson he's like there's a rat in here

you dirty rat anyway I was like only I call that no I was like straight away I'm like you do not talk to girls like that or anyone like that in that in that matter anyway so I had banned them gone household back to normal oscar was back to being a kid playing footy outside no one's being called a rat no one's being called any sort of marsupial or mammal whatever they are i just want to come on both bases there neither reptile whatever

anyway so you know time has gone by and then he had his sixth birthday yeah and all of a sudden he starts calling everyone rats again let's stop focusing on the rats sorry he received some of these for his birthday so they come with two things there's that and then there's the rip cord which let me just get that really quick

you can have a turn of it after we report and I can't wait what happened was at that birthday and he knew they were banned don't you're triggering me he knew they were you know what I'm just going to dismantle it so you can't put it no shut up Oscar

sorry you're dirty little rat Anyway. So what I did is I confiscated these, the rip cord. And I said, okay, well, that's fine. You can have those. And then, of course, I get guilted into giving them back to him because I went to America and April had to keep them entertained. And he was like, please, he'd been a good boy the whole time. I said, okay, you can have them back. And just like that, the personality changed again. You don't have rough. Pretty much, dude. He... Here's your dinner. You're right. Everything about his life revolves around this thing.

I can't stand it. He gets locked in every two seconds. Can you battle me? Oh my God, shut up. Every two seconds. So then... How do you battle? Two of them together.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Stop being me. Seriously. Now, and also I apologize now from previous. years. Anyway, so the thing is that all of his mates are obsessed with them too. And they start taking them to school. And everything about him now is all about this. He's not kicking the footy anymore. He's like, I've got to try and drag him out. I'll be like, hey, we're going to go down

to the park and kick the footy. What do you think he says? Can I bring my Bay Blades? No. It reminds me of someone who is obsessed with Pokemon cards. I don't know who that is. You know, I remember picking you up, and then there you are, sitting in the passenger seat, opening up your Pokemon cards. Damn it. I don't make it my whole personality, though. Well... No, no.

Well, let me finish. Yeah. Okay. Let me finish this. Well, I just think sometimes it's funny how much the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Jess is nodding and I can see it in my peripheral vision and I hate that even more. Because really, you were just dealing with a miniature version of ash. I know.

That's why I'm frustrated. Why you like this? Because I'm like you. I know, but also I have other activities I do outside of just the things that I get obsessed with. I know how to deviate because I'm an adult, but he's not. But anyway, he seemed to just go to school, take these with him and battle everything about his life became about these. How are you going to fix this? Well, the problem is that they go to school and now they've started to trade them with each other.

But you got to remember, these are six-year-old. They don't understand what's fair and what's not fair. So what's popped up is a Bayblade group chat between parents. Oh, fuck off. Ash has removed himself from the chat immediately. April is, so now what it is is parents saying, hey, do you have this one? It was my kids. They've swapped it over.

He's upset. So it's become this whole, the whole like, instead of it just being a battle on the, with the Bayblade, they're battling each other's emotions. That was deep. That was a t-shirt. T-shirt. Put it on a T-shirt. That was profound, if anything.

And then I've just been alerted to someone is having a birthday party, which is a sleepover bayblade battle party. Say that again? A sleepover Bayblade battle party. Got it out. That sounds like a lot of fun. It is, but the problem is he's a different kid with this thing. and everything about him at home now is grumpy he's it's like you know when they're like

don't give them one-on-one screens because they can't regulate they think what what the emotion is they're feeling for the show is what they're dealing with this is the same thing and i don't know what to do now do you want advice from me well we don't give advice yeah no but to each other okay far away you got to smack him fuck i knew it but wouldn't spoon that shit right up The fact that we're, all I'm waiting for, and like when you were a kid and there was collectibles around when you, we had tasos were big for a while. Marbles were big for a while, actually. What ends, what ends up happening?

It just fades out, bro. No, they get banned. Okay. Things, the Pokemon cards got banned because the bigger kids were ripping off the little kids. But my concern here. I do remember going to school and I lost all my marbles to the big kids. I was in tears, devastated coming home. And I was like, oh.

And what happened to your physical marbles? That's terrible. You're better than that. You're a lot better than that. I'm just a bit upset about that later. So you got to just wait for this fad to just follow the course of time. Or, yes, I could convince him to call his mum a dirty rat again. There he is.

Much better. I knew we'd get to an answer. Just subtly dropping in like, I think we've got rats in the house. Yeah. Dirty ones. And they're little. What do you think, Oscar? Yeah, there's dirty little rats, hurt it, thank you.

But it's like, man, it's every parent at school is dealing with the same thing. Well, I'm dealing with other problems myself, Ash. Okay. How dare you just discount my problem? You've been fucking hogging them on the whole fucking day. Anyway, to the parents that are out there are dealing with it, tell me how to get rid of them because they are ruining my household. I'm leaving.

This was meant to be a quick episode. So I don't have the capacity right now to take on anyone else's problems. And I apologize for that. I know you're looking to me for help. I just don't have it in me. I was actually looking for the listener. You took it upon yourself to say, do you want some advice? Just remember that.

Yeah, I was just being polite. I didn't mean it. Okay, good. I am dealing with a thief. A thief. Oh, God. Is in the household. And, yeah, check your wallet.

Check your phone. I don't have a wallet. So the joke's on them. So Marley at the moment, she gets touch shop on a Friday. Okay. It's a lovely treat, isn't it? Yeah, at the end of the week, you get tuck shop, but sometimes she'll get to a Wednesday,

and she's like, please, I've like, it's just as week as dragging on. Can I please have tuck shop? And I'm like, no, you can't. It's not Friday. The rule is Friday tuck shop. We can't bend the rules here. What's your tuck shop menu like?

It's all right, like cheesy pasta. Do you know what I might do? I might get a screenshot of ours. And compare. We can compare. We won't name the schools, of course, because that's a privacy. No, I like that.

Next week, we can compare. People, if you think you have a good touch shop menu, send it in. Let's compare here. Let's compare penises. I mean, fuck, sorry. That just came out of me. Please, that's all right.

That's what she said. Anyway, go. Go. God. I'm back. I said to Molly, I'm like, hey, you cannot.

There's no tug shop. It has to be Friday. And I'm like, sticking to that rule. Yeah, that's just great parenting. And then there's a bit of cash in that little basket over there

on that bench table in like the basket of all the keys. Yeah, I know where it is, don't you mean? Yeah, I'm fucking watching this car. You mean there was cards. And I was like,

all those fibers have gone, and a couple five-dollar notes were in there. And I was like, Marley, did you, did you take that money? And she's like, no, absolutely not. Guilty. Oh, okay. Anyway, pack of lunch, put it in a backpack. And I was like, I saw her putting things in the front of the backpack.

And so I opened up the front zip. There it was, the money. She put the money in her backpack. And I was like, you lied to me. And she was like, oh, yeah, but, well, I didn't realize. I don't know how I got there. And I was like, how dare you. It's a slippery slope from there, my friend.

That's where that's a gateway. A world of crime awaits me. It's going to be excited. And I was like, I was, I was like, steal something good. Anyway, I was like, I was hurt. You know, I was lied to by my child, you know, looking at me in my face, lied directly at me. And I was like, that's, you know, I'm shocked right now.

Shock to the court. It's like a dagger the first time, isn't it? And then Nana was like, had a bit of a look on her face. And I was like, what are you looking at? And she was like, well, you know, you're very upset right now. But I have a memory. Oh, God.

When I was in grade one in Queensland, so pretty much the same age as kids were going to kindy. It's sopsey-turvy up there. We had a little jar in our wardrobe. Because back in my day, we only had, you know, change. Shrapnel, if you will. Trappers. For tuck shop.

None of this digital crap. Is there a $5 note digital? No, well, we get. sorry I'll fucking fire you I know where she gets it from so I not really understanding the value of money

I don't know how much money I had but over a period of time I had taken enough money that when I went to the tuck shop and put my money on the table I got called immediately into the principal's office so do you have a round figure I have no idea actually let me just check with that a real quick

Quick. Nana doesn't remember. Must have been a lot then. But I'm thinking it was like 100 bucks. Wow. I don't know. It's enough to get called into the principal's office. I'm sure it's like a kid your age should not have this money.

Yeah. The person behind the tuck shot was like pushing the panic button like, it's got red. It's got a reverse robbery. So I'm like, shit. You know. It's just history repeating itself. Yeah, I think the theft thing is bad enough, but the lying as well. Like, I think it adds to my teeth.

But when it happens to you from someone so small and innocent, like it's like, you just feels a little bit. Betrayal. There it is. Of the highest regard. As an inside joke, guys. You wouldn't get it. You wouldn't get it. You would have to have stolen to get it.

Anyway, yeah. So what was your cause of action? It was just, it was just talking to her. I was like, how dare you? How dare you treat me like this? It's a betrayal of the highest for God. I'd let her know how disappointed I was. I know.

Your disappointment tone of voice is very different, isn't it? And you don't even, like I was disappointed with Oscar the other day, like pretty disappointed. And I couldn't help myself, but my tone was different about it. I was like, buddy. and he just, he was different because of it. Did you, what did she say? She cried. I mean, it's her go-to.

Get out of everything, don't they? I know, I know. I just, whenever she's done something wrong, she just turns the water words on it. And I'm like, it works. I'm like, come here have a cuddle. And I'm like, damn it, she's got me again. I know.

They know what they're doing at that. And then I walk away and I'm like, what the fuck's my watch gone? Matt, we are bringing something. thing back for now. It's called lies. Tell me laugh. Tell me sweet little lies.

Tell me lie. Tell me, tell me lie. Now, this is a segment where... You make me laugh. Thank you. You make me laugh. I'm so glad. You're a funny man.

You're a funny man. You're a funny man, Ashton Wicks. Now, if you are new to this segment, it is where you send in the little harmless white lies you tell your kid. I don't know. Here's one, for example. The park's closed. The classic. Because you don't want to... You don't want to go.

As parents, we do whatever means necessary to try and avoid a meltdown a tantrum to get our children to bloody listen to us just once. Okay, the only way to do that is to scare them, threaten them. Love that. Or lie. And lie. By lying. Threatened by lying. Yeah. Threatened by lying. Yeah. I like it.

Threatened by lie. Sorry. We're going to read off a couple that we've been sent. Please. I'll start. Okay, here's a really simple one that can be used in any context whatsoever. It's simple. It'll catch on fire. Okay, here's an example. And my kids are really good at this.

They're good at leaving their toys hanging around. It's like, if you leave it hanging around, it'll catch on fire. Nice and simple. Eat your dinner, it'll catch on fire. The kids are like this house is so flammable. I wonder why all these kids turn to ask this. This is like, well, I also, and everything gets us on fire. This is a great one.

Okay, we're going to keep this anonymous because I did tell people that send it through, you'll be anonymous. You get the better results when they're anonymous because people are like, oh, people judging my parenting. And we wouldn't judge. We would never stop winking at me. Okay. Okay, this one is, if your child is struggling to go to school, you can tell them they need five days of consecutive. of school days, and if they do that, they get two days off. Yes, I'm going to use that, actually.

Oscar's in a point now where he's like, oh, my God. Five days. My lie is when they don't want to go. I'm like, well, I've used this a heap. I've got to lock in the laundry. That's more of a threat than a lie. What? That gets him to school pretty quick, don't you worry,

because he's scared of the washing machine. And that's the trick. That's the trick. You've got to make them scared of the washing machine so that when you threaten that, they, they really don't want to go in there because that's not a lie that's that's just a blatant threat well i told him to eat him yeah fucking hell i'm not judging i'm a good dad that's i'm self-proclaimed good dad okay moving on if you ever get your kids taken away from you

i'm sorry don't put that out of the universe actually come get them quick that'd be great his home off I'll be fine to get you back kids I promise that's a lie see what I did there

oh yeah here's a good one there's been variations of this one but this one is like when the little one sees a lollipop in the shop

that rhymes I say that we can't have one as they've been sold to others pre-purchased pre-ordered some might say I love that

okay this one's from Sandy she said you can say my name. Say my name, say my name. Sandy says you're allergic to McDonald's. Oh, man. That is good because it sticks with them. And I'll tell you why.

One time Oscar got a little rash from pineapple. And now he just tells everyone that he's allergic to pineapple. So if you're like, you're allergic to McDonald's. He'll just tell everyone. Oh, that is good gear. Okay, this one's from Amber. And she just says to her kids, if you don't shower, you go,

moldy. Kind of true, though. It's a different type of mould, kids. There's an element of truth to that. Wow. Okay. I've got one fresh from April, which was, so she would go to the gym really early in the morning, come home and she would shower. But she would get home and the kids hear the door, get up, run, chase to give a careful mom. And she'd be like, oh, I'm going to go have a shower. And what was happening was where they were like, we want to come in and shower with you.

And then so now she's just started to tell them. there's only cold water left. That is. Brilliant. I know. I was like that. And I was half asleep when she said that. She was like, oh, there's only cold water.

And I was like, who hasn't paid the hot water bill? Yeah. So that's a good little one from April. If you have any parenting lies, please send them in. Yeah, we'd love to, love to hear him. And like, don't be this guy where we say, we want lies and they just rub. It's spicy. It's like a million fucking times.

That's the oldest one. Jesus. Heaven, give us something original. Yeah, it works. Before we go into the two questions that we have, a little throwback, two episodes ago, we had Han, Han, Hannah, Han. Two ends, wasn't it? To Han.

Han. She asked about, when is the right time to have kids? And she was asking if we were happy with our decision of how old we were, when we had kids, I was 32. 32, because you're 38 now, yes. How old are you? I'm 35. Yeah, we gave our responses, and we thought we would throw it to our wives.

So this is what Laura had said. Yes. How old was that? 33. If I was any younger, I wouldn't have had them with you. Why? Because it would have been with someone else. That would have been probably not as good.

But we were together for three years. No, we were. We were only together for you and back pregnant. What were the pros and tons of the age that you had kids? Just being able to make the mistakes in my 20s and not procreate with the wrong person. Yeah, 33 is great. Probably 31? 31, 31's good.

Was that 31? No, we met when I was 31. I was 33, when I had. Yeah, yeah, 33 is a great year. I think we had kids at the right time, even though it was a surprise. I'll throw it to April and she can give her answer to the question in which we have just read out.

No, not at all. Okay. I don't think there is a right age. I think there's a right moment, but not a right age. What's the moment? The moment is when you and you, your partner agree. Are we going to have the birds of the beach?

Yeah. The moment is when mommy and daddy love each other. No, you don't have to be married. It doesn't have to be a mummy mummy. Okay. Are you going to try to get yourself together? Okay, so you're saying just when it feels right? Yeah, 100%.

Look, there's probably a little too young. Okay, how... I don't know. I don't want to get cancelled. I think I can be a bit woo-woo. I didn't want to say anything, but she's becoming a little bit woo-boo. I know. She had crystals for a while there.

Oh! Oh, my God, she's going to kill me. And I'm like so the opposite that I would bag it and then we'd always have fights over it. And then I'd be like, why don't you consult your crystal? And she didn't like appreciate that either. I'm sure she's going to love it being brought up in the podcast.

Yeah. Too late now. Yeah. Okay, I've got a question for you, Matt, from Renee. Hit me, you silly little bugger. That's the sort of energy I want all the time. Go on. Hit me silly little bugger.

Perfect. Things I wish I knew before having a baby. Is there anything, Matt, that you wish you knew? Oh, how long have we got? Ah, ha, ha, ha. There was a lot. I wish I knew, Ash. There was a lot.

I think I just, I think I wish I knew just how much of an emotional roller coaster it is being a parent. You know, when you've got your kids all day, like talking about weekends specifically, when you're with them from like sunrise to sunset. It's too long. It's a very long time. Yeah, first of all, how much you kind of hate weekends when you become an adult? Bro, I could work seven days a week now. When you're on your 20s, you're like, it's a Friday!

Now it's like, damn it! Sunday night, the dream. I wish I knew how bad it was to be hung over with a child. That is also very true. But that's not my answer. But throughout the day, it's such a day. it's such a wild mix of like having a beautiful moment

where your child is looking at you giving you that little bit of affection saying daddy I love you and you think to yourself like this is what it's all about having these special little moments where you can connect have a moment with your child

and it's what makes it all worthwhile but at the same time when you're playing a game and you touch the wrong toy they're like what are you doing you idiot storm off they have a meltdown

and it's just it is like that from irrational They are very rational And we did say this a while ago It's like having It's like owning a drunk person Yes

They're so irrational Yeah They're so the mood swings They won't eat And then they won't go to bed It's like go to bed You piss head Like fuck

Like I always think back Whenever I pick them up from daycare It's always great They're elated Okay And it's just from the moment I pick them up To when I get them home

There's been three meltdowns Dinner Another three meltdowns And then when they have a meltdown, you're trying to make them laugh to get over the meltdown. You do that. You know another meltdown is just around the corner. It's just, it's like, it's exhausting. I know.

And it's also, I just rescued you from that prison, okay? I'll send you right back. I'll send you right back tomorrow morning. Don't you fucking worry about that? For me, other than the hangover thing, which, yeah, I wasn't prepared for that, if I'm honest. I am now. I'm pissed fit now. Anyway, the other one was when we were going through the process of,

of able to being pregnant is no one told me I was going to get seasick every time we did an ultrasound. You got seasick? Man, I couldn't look at it. Was he touching you or what happened? No. I was just watching it on the screen. The motion?

Yeah, I was like, I'm going to spew up. So you'd have to have like, they're called qualls? No, I just shut my eyes. Hope for the best. Ash, it's your child and they're looking in the corner. Oh, God. It just made me, every time I was like, queasy. seasick. So weird. I'm probably the only person on earth that's happened to you, right?

I don't know. If that's happened to you and you're listening, please. Please. I would love to feel you're not alone. I would love to be validated by one other person saying, yeah, me too, bro. Solidarity. I last one, Ash, this is from Jess. And she says, Jess, the fact that you're, surely you can't be serious with this question. But she wants to know, how do you get a three-year-old to listen? You don't. End off. That's why they call them three-nagers. It's like a preparation. for when they're teenagers, they definitely don't listen. Do you know what I was told, though? Marley's six, so this kind of applies.

So she's three times two. Very good. There he is. Like two, three-year-olds. I've got two, three-year-olds. I've got to eat your breakfast. Marley, eat your breakfast. Marley, you have to eat your breakfast. I'm like, Marley, eat your breakfast.

Laura's like, what you need to do is you need to touch them. You need to tap them on the shoulder, and that will then make them aware of you're trying to read out to them. But when you're just saying these words, they're so locked in, they don't have the mental capacity to, like, stop what they're doing, understand that you're trying to interact with them, so you have to touch them on the shoulder. So I smack her, I never try and speak to her. And it's working great. I try and be like, look at me. Look at me. And Oscar's like, I was like, he's bloody on the sixth beer. Exactly. It's like owning a drunk person.

That's it. But I, okay. Be one with the drunk. If there, again, any person, out there. If you, if you, honestly, if you are hand on hard, if you are happy, right, if you are happy, you are sane and you're able to talk to your children and get them to listen to you without you raising your voice, please. Oh my God, helps out. Please, if you are one of those people, reach out to us and tell us how you're doing it. I don't think they exist.

Surely not. Can I ask you this, how's Laura going with the touching on the shoulder and talking? Is it working? I have to, I have to check. I guarantee you it's not. I don't think. I even, I've actually, I don't know. There's only one thing that works.

Go on. When you get to that point and you're fucking yelling. It goes from a request to a demand. Yeah, you have to, you have to demand. So it's like, Oscar, can you put your shoes on? Oscar, shoes please. Oscar, and then you just go into one word. Oscar, shoes!

There it is. You get to that point. And then if he's not doing it, I'm like, put your shoes on now! Ronda's very concerned right now. Actually, do you know what we should do? Yep. If you've enjoyed this episode, leave a review. Leave review.

Review! I can see the numbers going up now. Now, review. Just single words. Yeah, very good. Otherwise, you can see it's on socials. Instagram. Two doting dads.

Two doting dads, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube now. The Facebook group. Join it. TikTok. You said TikTok? I said TikTok. Yeah. But yeah, like, that's right.

If you can talk to your kids without yelling and they don't exist. I refuse to it. I don't exist. Yeah, but you can join us there. Otherwise, we're getting out of here again. When you're listening to this, Ash is going to be in Bali. No, I'll be back. Oh, God.

Ignore that part? We'll take that part out. I can go again if you like. That'll be great. No kids. Yeah. Hope you've had a good holiday. Thank you.

Well, next episode, we'll talk about your Bali trip. All right. Thank you very much. Bye. Bye. I'm going to sneeze. Any time now? He's not coming.

Damn it. I was looking forward to that one. It looked like you're gear and a half. Fucking absolute. He like. Head was cocked. He was seizuring. You are,

there are for it. Oh, poor. Damn it. Two Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.