Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #173 Saucy Sexy Chaos

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

Before you ask...baby three isn't born yet!  That's probably a good thing because there are builders onsite (again) at the Johnson/Byrne household, fixing, plastering, hammering last-minute things before the baby arrives.  Ash, on the other hand, couldn't be living a more opposite life to Matty J right now! He has returned from a sexy poolside cocktail-sipping week in Bali with his wife, April. The couple made sure to bring the essentials for the trip...unfortunately, everyone knew about it.  We also answer your parenting questions:  How on earth do you juggle two completely different sleeping routines of a newborn and a toddler?  How much TV is okay for 2-year-old? BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Ash, I need to apologize. No, don't apologize to me yet. It's a little bit chaotic right now in this household. What's you, big guy? We've got a huge construction site next door. There is currently four concrete trucks. I exaggerated. There's one, but there's four.

It might as well be four. They're doing piling. Okay, we've got builders doing the jip rocking. It's just, it's all kicking off. I've got piles. What are piles? Just hammer rods. Great.

Welcome back to two doting dads. I'm Natty Jay. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And I need to apologize now to the listener.

If you hear drills, a sore... I think they're used to it. I feel like today is particularly bad. That is bad. but you know what let it be a surprise let me i'm trying to i'm trying to give them some love stop me from loving the listener let me love them love away all right where were we you wasting time we don't give advice on this podcast oh sorry sorry it's nice for me to say a line every now and then carry on do you know what

what time is it uh what it's housekeeper hey there we go we got there uh my first question is to you know baby yet? Look, Laura wants it to be out where moments away. She looked up very uncomfortable. At that stage where it's like the very last couple of weeks. Every step is agony for her.

And she wants it to come out. Indian food, I heard. People have a lot of different thoughts on how to make the baby come out. Indian food being one of them. I heard olive oil is another reason that the baby will come out. Okay, from what end?

Well, don't, I don't. From what end do you pull all? oil in, Matt. I don't know. It's not from me. It's the Italians. Oh, oh. But a rumor that I heard, I don't know if you're familiar with this rumor, but apparently sex will bring on labor. Between us? If so, let's get it done. I wasn't expecting to say that. So sex with Laura, obviously. Very good. Very good. I thought I've been doing some scientific research on TikTok. On this one of, how day. I'm also Instagram. Instagram and TikTok. I put the call out there. I ask people if they have had Labor come on off the

back of sex. Mix reports. There's only one way to get a true answer here. Yeah. A medical expert. Oh, absolutely. I'm not a medical expert. I appreciate the kind of word. What? Are you going to call I have it my hand right now a mobile phone and on that phone is a number of an obstetrician. A Dr. Bennett. Dr. Bennett. Dr. Bennett. Strong name. Strong name. Strong name. The expert, let's speak to her. Yeah. Any other medical questions you want to ask at the same time? No, but in that name, there's two E's, two ends, two T's.

Boom. Bennett. How your mind works is a mystery. Maybe she can study my mind when she's on the phone. That's called Dr. Bennett. Dr. Bennett, we would like to put forward a question that has been asked by parents to be for centuries. Uh-huh. My wife is currently not in labor.

We'd like to be in labour. Yeah. And I have put forward the suggestion that sex will help bring on labour. To back up my claim, is there any scientific proof on the matter? You'll be pleased to know that, yes, there have been some small studies that I've suggested it might help bring on labour. When you say small, my ears pricked up. it basically is worth a try but no guarantees it works in two ways so first of all in the semen there's prostaglandins which soften the cervix and can bring on labour so prostaglandins

are what we sometimes use to induce labour medically so that's one way it can work and then also if it's good sex and there's orgasm involved then it can release oxytocin which is your love hormone which can bring on labour. Damn it. It's definitely not that one. So it might help, but it's got to be good sex. Question for you, really quick. Any particular position?

Whatever position you can get yourself into. Well said. Well said. Technically can't be challenging. But where there's a world, there's a way. That's the spirit. The only reason you wouldn't want to do it. is if your waters have broken, don't do it then.

That would not be a good idea. Because your penis might drown. Or if a doctor has said you shouldn't do it. If there's a doctor in the room while you're doing it, I'd be concerned. Yeah, I haven't heard of that happening yet, but you know, you never know. Well, Laura will be thrilled with this news. Good. I'm sure. Not other ways you can bring on labour naturally, though, if she's not in the move.

For lots of walking You can do curb walking Where you walk alongside the road With one foot on the curb So you're hobbling along What does that do? So it moves the baby's head down Into the pelvis

And presses on your cervix So softens it and opens it up That can help I'm sure she's already waddling, right? I'm sure she is chasing after two little ones already There's a lot of walking involved Nipple stimulation You might be interested in

Well that's just sex for Matt yeah if that's involved in your sex it might help that can release oxytocin but you do need to be doing it quite often for five minutes a few times a day for it to actually be effective so she might not like that either she hates me touching her nipples at the moment

well that's not going to work some massage relaxation gets your oxytocin going acupressure or acupuncture can also work there's a few people around here that do it.

It's one that's known to be the guru for if you want to go into labor. Now, what about for Laura? Victoria, please ignore Ash. I can't hear me so well. So that's probably a good thing. It's a good thing. I can hear me. Okay, massage.

Got it. Massage. Yeah, massage. And just generally being relaxed. Because if you're stressed, your adrenaline goes up. And then that stops your oxytocin being released. So you basically just go. I'll be really nice to Laura, lots of massages, fork massages.

You can make her a nice curry, spicy food can help. This is a lot of work. What about a renovation? I've noted all these. She hasn't paid me to say all these things. Mop the floors. Oh, I'm on it. We'll bring on labour.

So what you're saying is chore play brings on labour. Foreplay, did you say? Chore play. Cleaning the house. We call it chore play. Yeah, that was. works. Whatever makes Laura happy will increase her oxytocin. So,

amazing. You go for it. That is noted. Dr. Bennett, we really appreciate your time. No problem. Best of luck. Thank you again. We will be in touch with future medical questions. We don't know what they are, but expect many of your random phone calls from us. Lovely. Thanks, guys. Have a nice day. Thank you. Bye.

Good luck, Laura. Well, there you go. It's true. From the horse's mouth. It's true. I hope Laura is. You better get out of here, big guy. Hey, take those pants off. Well, when she comes home, she's still working at the moment. Get down on the office.

It's fine. I'm a huge shout out to Dr. Bennett, specialist obstetrician and gynecologist on the northern beaches. And if you want to find her on social media, she is at Dr. Victoria Bennett. Double N, double T, I'm guessing. That's it. You know it. Ash, actually still in housekeeping, if I may. Yes.

People may be wondering about Rhonda. I'm going to whisper because she's next door. She's probably standing outside my window. The general. The general. Do you know what she did? Oh, fuck. What did you do?

You know the skylight incident? Yep. So for anyone who's new, we had a big storm, fence blew over, as did Rhonda, who lives next to me, by the way, it's my neighbor. Her skylight blew off, okay? I was nice enough to help facilitate one of the builders to fix her roof because it was straight through, rain was coming in. Well said.

Okay, we've done that. I then saw the builder. Okay. And I say, hey, how did you go with Rhonda and getting the money? Because she was, she said yes to it. then kind of forgot that she said yes to it and he goes oh mate bloody hell it was hard and i was like what what happened so he knocked on her door to be like hey ronda like you know she doesn't have email he dropped off the invoice in person it's about 1400 bucks and she's like yeah right oh

i'll pay you 900 and he's like it was already pretty heavily discounted you know it was a big job and Like, there was a new skylight cover that cost a lot of money. And she goes, yeah, but your boys didn't clean the skylight. And I had to organize someone to clean it and say, 900, 900, take it or leave it. And he was like, just not really room to negotiate it. This is not the appropriate time to negotiate, Rhonda. And then he was like, fuck, what do I do? It's not worth it.

He's like, I'll take 900 bucks. So she swindled the builder out of 500 bucks. She's got you all. She's got you all wrapped around. Whatever she wants, she gets. And I think, I look, I'm starting to come around to Rhonda because her way of doing things. You bought Rhonda very similar.

Yeah, I'd be like, I'm like, okay, you don't, not 900? How about 800? Hmm? Going the wrong way, am I? Not for me, I'm not. She complained about the fence, by the way. Who's she complained to the wind? No, she said, I was like, well, Rhonda, fences up.

Looks great. a lap and cap fence, not cheap. And she goes, oh, it's untreated pine. And I'm like, yeah, keeping in mind, she didn't pay a cent. She goes, thought you're going to paint it? I said, no. She's like, oh, that's a shame. Doesn't look the best.

She's got you, man. Now you think about that before you go to sleep now. I'm painting it next weekend. I'm starting to come around. I'm starting to like her. Does she want to start a podcast? Literally. She'd be like, how about you do it and just put my name on?

it. Very good. I have just a quick little bit of housekeeping now. I asked our listeners on the Facebook group, which is thriving right now. I just, you know, Sunday, I thought, I'm going to see what listeners did over the weekend. Would you do? How did you find out? I put it onto the Facebook group.

Oh, the monthly post. Okay, that's fun. And I thought, can we all just, everyone right now, can we just all encourage Ash for that post. I'm a busy guy. You're not. You're not fucking busy. Stop pretending like you've got things to do. I know you're sitting there playing your bloody, your car simulator. What is that? Nintendo, what is it? On gummies. What did you ask? I just ask, how is your weekend to see what people get up to? Yeah. Because I'm a man of the people. I've always said that. I've said that. And look, a lot of them really short and sweet, which I love that. It's like,

We went to the park, kids had a great time. That's what I want to hear. I also want to hear people who are doing the extra, which I'm like, how do you fit that in? Like what? Okay, here's one from Brody. Firstborn, physio session, two dance classes on Saturday, followed by a ballet exam on Sunday.

A ballet exam. Now, let's keep this in mind. She started this with firstborn. So that's just for the one child. Next one, middle child. food shop with me while first born did her Saturday classes, then I dropped her at a birthday party. Okay, that's not too bad.

That's manageable. That's manageable. There's a thirdborn. This is what you're in for. Is this the same lady? This is the same Brody. I don't know, Brody, Elizabeth. Brody, you're raising the bar too.

I'm very. Thirdborn, birthday party, which my husband took him on Saturday. It doesn't end. I also went to a live podcast show Saturday. night. So husband had to wrangle three kids into bed, including one with a broken collarbone. So hang on a minute. You're doing all this on the weekend. They've got broken bones. Don't make them dance. The ballet exam. Is it the same lady? Yes. It's still Brody. It's still Brody and it's not over. We all went to the movies on Sunday,

Arvo. What the fuck for? She said, that's the basic gist of it. The basic gist of it. The basic gist of it. What's the long-winded version? Oh my goodness. How do you do? How do you How do you have the energy? I'm staring down the barrel right now of enrolling Lola into a dance class. The only option is a Saturday morning at 8.30. And I'm like, nah. I'm the same. I'm exactly the same.

Laura and I are like, do we really want to do this? And Lola's like, please. I don't do anything to dance. And we're like, I just don't want that commitment on a Saturday. I know. I'm not like I'm happy we didn't do winter sport this year. But next year with Oscar, it's a no-brainer. But I think not doing it.

This year has helped him develop into how he can be next year because he's not... Go on. Now he's more decisive of what he wants to do, not just, I want to do it because all my friends are doing it. That's an impression of Oscar in the room with us. That was great.

And I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm not looking forward to those. Because you know what I'm like on a Saturday morning? I'm over. All right, another quick one really quick. This is from... Are we still in housekeeping? We are.

Are you sure? Yeah, why not. Housekeeping is taking over the podcast. This is from Bea Porter. That's their name. Be a P-E-A. Oh, gotcha. Beer?

B. B. B. Saturday. Three different parks. What the... First two parks in the first wake window. That's just greedy. And bike ride to the third park in the last wake window.

That's Saturday. Sunday. Park again. Supermarket. Dog walk to another park. My son lived. outside the moment his eyes open for some reason needs to be outside rain hail or shine it's the vein of my existence from a mum who dreams of sitting on the couch inside drinking a coffee in

in a nice mug well i'm sorry what do you reckon is the record it's got to be a world record most parks visited with family and kids on a week set it i mean there's a lot around here actually that's a great can you write that down thanks blue on t-shirt right down so i don't get and last one's not a long one this is a really quick one which i gave me an idea i love how jess was just like the invisible type writer she's like that cat meme that's just like oh yeah let me just write that family we'll never speak of it again next week jess will go hey guys a world record for most park visits

we're like shut up who are you like to hear was that I know in monologs is like can you shut the fuck up oh Jesus cross I'm not doing anything you ask me to do anyway I had a really quick idea off the back of this one someone said I went to a dance of steadford on Friday still in housekeeping Saturday yeah Saturday and Sunday and

Sunday and extra training on Sunday after right so dance of steadford Okay, do you remember the dance in Rock of Steadford's? It used to be on TV. Yeah, so my idea was that we should perform at an Estedford as two doting dads. Not needed. Matt and I should try and get a spot at a Rock of Steadford. And then she said there's an Estedford group section for Open Age.

What's okay? Like, what are we wanting from this? I just thought it'd be fun. Bonding. Your kids are like, Daddy, can we go down the park and kick the football? No, I'm dancing for the Estedford. So I'm real keen to get involved in the Stedford if you are. Okay, not at all.

Well, I've already signed us up. This is really fucking awkward now. When is it? To be disclosed. To be disclosed? TBD. Okay, I'll think about it. I'll let it marinate.

You marinate away on that big guy. We are still in housekeeping for anyone wondering the last bit of house. I love it. Last bit of housekeeping, this is from Ella. This was sent in on the Facebook group, and it's a dinner hack. We love a dinner hack, and it's Aldi inspired. She says, we buy the Aldi cauliflower bake and cook it on the stove for a quick dinner. Tonight I also put broccoli in it and mixed it through, delicious and healthy.

My kids were watching me do it and calling it noodles because it was made in the same pot I make their noodles in, dished up and called it noodles, and they have eaten every bit of it, including a second serve. No way. Win is a win. That's like, that's top of the food chain. That is peak, peak win. I would say she should cook everything in that noodle dish.

Yeah, literally breakfast. Fat fuldom. But if you have a dinner hack, please. Oh, yeah. We want to hear it. So cauliflower bake with broccoli. Yeah, but I mean, the kids are very gullible because I can't believe anything. No, no.

But it's a cauliflower bake with broccoli, but it's noodles. Have you ever had a cauliflower bake? Blake? Blake? I like Blake, break? Blake over the stroke. Colletown. My mom used to do a cauliflower. Yes, it reminds me. Oh, it reminds me, Ash. At mom used to do cauliflower, cheesy bake. Nice. Yeah, it's all right. At least your mom didn't do apricot chicken and beef strogan off. I love beef strogan off. That is the end of housekeeping. Actually, speaking of Ellie.

Yes. Speaking of Ellie. Ash is aware of the situation. The listener, is not. We had her on a couple of weeks ago off the back of her shoulder surgery because people thought she was dead. Yeah. And we also made fun of the fact that we were like,

ha, ha, ha, nothing's going to stop Ellie except the shoulder surgery and this maybe the last time that she's on the podcast because she's going to pass. Like, I look back at those jokes and my mum was making them, okay?

Please tear the band out of. People think she's dead now. No, she's okay. She is not. She is okay. She's okay. But we, fuck, we were close. Oh, I know.

I don't want to freak people out who know my mom. But we were, this is the weekend of Father's Day. Yep. So a couple of weeks back, we went down to Alla Dulla. Must be nice. Yeah, thank you. And Mom was still recovering. And the Thursday before, Mom had been to the doctor for a checkup post-surgery,

had stitches out. He was like, everything looks great. you're doing fine. Mum felt fine. So when we left, we're like, mom, are you sure you're going to be okay? And she was like, don't worry about it. I like, everything is good here.

No sign of any type of illness. My sister is only five minutes down the road. So my sister was like, don't worry. I'll look after. If there's any issues, you know, I'll be checking it on mom. She wouldn't want you to stay around just because she's, you know,

giving the all clear. Just, just, just, yeah, mom was kind of like, it'd be nice to have the house to myself. Yeah, fully. For a weekend and just be able to relax and recover. Yeah. So we're down at Aladala.

I get a phone call on Saturday night. It must have been about 8 o'clock. My sister is hysterical. And she's like, I'm, mom's in trouble. And I was kind of like, well, like, you know, just wait a second. What's happening? And she goes, I called mom. She can't talk.

Where are the keys for the house? Because mom was obviously at home. My sister was currently en route to the house. but what had happened is my sister was at dinner she got a phone call from mum it was in the middle of a speech at dinner so my sister thought I'll just let that one go through the keeper and then she called again

my sister was like bloody hell mom she answered the phone and said mom can't talk right now there's a speech at dinner I'll call you back my mum replied with help what she managed to get out so my sister then instantly changed gears and was like what's wrong

my mom couldn't get the words out She was just mumbling a few words on the phone. So that's when my sister called an Uber, her husband called Triple O. They got to the house and I was still on the phone trying to explain where the hidden key was for the door because the door was locked. And when they got to mum, she was breathing. She was non-responsive. And at first, I was on the phone because I was trying to speak to my brother-in-law about

where the key was. My sister's got this blood-curdling scream because they've just, the paramedics, they've just seen mum, she's in bed. And the way it was all kind of unfolding, I was getting updates in real time. I was like, fuck, mom's had a stroke. Fuck. And so then I kind of jumped off the phone to let them deal with the situation. I'm there waiting now just for my phone to ring, being like, what the hell is happening?

And you're like three hours away. I'm three hours away. And so then I'm kind of just in shock. Like one second, Laura and I were literally about to like, we're about to have dinner. I'm about to have like a glass of wine and be like, what are we going to do for Father's Day tomorrow? Next thing, I'm waiting to try and get any update

and what's happening with Mum. They've then got her in to the ambulance. She's on her way to hospital. So I'm thinking, fuck, I'm going to. And again, this point, everyone's kind of saying stroke. Yeah. Because she's not talking. She's still breathing, but she can barely get,

any words out. So then I jump in the car, I drive back to Sydney. I get to the emergency room at St. Vincent's at about 12.30. At night, yeah. And, you know, mum's got all kind of things hooked up to her. Blood pressure was about 70. Her body temp was almost like 33, 34. If anyone who doesn't know, that's really bloody low.

Yeah, it's like hypothermia. Yeah, it's like even though it's like two degrees low where it should be, it makes a massive difference. Totally. The doctors, the nurses, they're all working, trying to find out what this problem is. At this point, the good thing was they ruled out the stroke. She'd had an MRI scan or, oh, God, I don't know what the proper. The stroke scan. Yeah, they had like, so. Came back clear.

They have a specialist who works only with stroke patients and she'd then spoken to my sister and said, hey, we've looked at the test results. It's not a stroke, which is a great result, but we don't know what it is. And then also, I don't know if anyone's been to St. Vincent's Hospital. It's near the city in Sydney on a Saturday night. But the nurse was like, hey, mate, you've coming for a good day. This is going to be a lot of fun. And I was like, oh, there's people on nights out. Someone's been glassed.

Police are there. Like, it's kicking off. My mum's there, like, hooked up to machines. I was like, fucking out. It's one in the morning now. That's the same place dad went when he had the triple bypass last year. So he went, because he wasn't feeling well.

Bad enough. My sister's like, I'm taking you to the emergency room. And that's the hospital. That's the local. And it was a Saturday night, or Friday night. And Dad was like, oh, my God. It's carnage. Oh.

Carnage. It's, yeah, the nurse was like, like thumbs up. Good day for it. And I was like, what the fuck you mean? They just must get some entertainment out of the. Because it's for the nurses, for the medical staff, it's just another. the day in the office. Yeah, for sure. But for you, it's like, fucking, you're not used to all that sort of, not at all, especially someone being glassed. But then also, I've got

in the hospital, I'm looking at mom, I'm like holding a hand and, you know, she can barely open her eyes, hasn't said a word, but then she looks over, she kind of looks at me and I'm like, it's okay, mom, I love you. And she opens her eyes and she clocks at it to me. And then she opens a mouth and she goes, I think the cat got out. Oh shit. Fuck, he really got me with that one. Oh, my God. Wow.

And I'm like, don't worry about the cat. And she's like, I don't know if the door was shut behind me. And I'm like, totally fine. You're like, fucking raspberry. Not important. And then she like closes her eyes and goes back to sleep. And I'm like, such a mom. Oh, yeah.

caring about everything else other than the fact that she's like really ill. The washing machine has a load that needs to go out. Did you take the pie out of the oven? And the good thing was, as every kind of minute passed, she became more stable, blood pressure was good, heart rate was okay, but then they were just trying to figure out what had caused this thing. So we left at about 3.30 in the morning, went back, she was still in the yard than the Sunday morning but then after heaps of tests was then admitted to hospital so you're no longer in

ER but you're still in the hospital still doing heaps of tests my sister and I were kind of tag teaming because they have a doctor in the morning a doctor at lunchtime and then you know trying to explain to mum what tests they're doing and there's like long list and then if we would miss that we'd kind of ask mum who's still not with it 100% with like what are they testing for now and she's like oh fuck I don't know. Is Raspberry okay? I'm like, fuck Raspberry. Forget about her. But in the end, it was some kind of viral infection. Imagine, I forget the name. It's like gastro on steroids. And they said sometimes when it's really severe cases, it comes on very acutely, which means fast in medical term. Wow. Are you a doctor now? I think I'm a doctor. That's the final test.

And yeah, it just hit it really hard. So mom was saying that she had dinner ready. She was actually about to pour herself a drink. She was like, oh, I've got a sore tummy. And then she's like, that's weird. She's like, I'm just going to go to the looo quickly. And she was like, really like it's starting to hurt. So she had to lay down in bed for a split second.

And next thing she was like, I can't even get up. Wow. She had to muster the strength to get her phone and managed to just call my sister. and the really scary thing is if she hadn't have been able to call my sister when your blood pressure is that low this sounds really obvious but blood pressure is like a hose

you know it's like the amount of pressure that goes through so when it drops really low the amount of blood going through your system is super low your body then goes into shock your organ shut down we weren't due to come back until the next night so it's yeah really really scary but we're like don't think about it that we're now where we've purchased mum, a watch that has a button that you can press,

and it calls a number of people. If those people don't pick up, it automatically calls triple zero. That's clever. And then come straight to the address that you've designated. Fuck, that's pretty, I don't want to say cool, but that's pretty clever. Technology, they used to have like big buttons, and now it's just like a little watch that you wear. I might get my nan one.

I know. Where'd you get it? I'll send you the link. Yeah, send her the link. So how's Ellie as of right now to that? She's still, I mean, she's still recovering from the shoulder surgery. She's still weak. But she's doing a lot better.

Oh, good. A lot better. And the annoying thing was, dude, I think I told you, when I left for Alla Dala on that Friday morning, Laura was already down there. I was hitting down with the kids and I was racing out the door and, you know, trying to beat the traffic and my mom tried to tell me a story as I was like at the door. I'm like, Mom, not now. Like, fuck, you know, I'll call you later.

and then that whole time I was thinking, obviously you can't live your life thinking that every conversation is going to be last with someone, but the same time as driving back thinking, like, I hate that, that last moment I had with mum was me being frustrated and racing out the door

and not giving her the time that I would normally give her. Yeah, and like, you just don't know what could have been. It was like if that was the last interaction you had with your mind, as much as you don't want to think about that, it's like, kills me, kills me.

So it was a pretty, big wake-up call. Yeah, I'm so sorry I had to go through that. Every time I leave, something happens. Every time you leave, yeah, this is your fault. Just to the listeners, call your mom, call you dad right now. Give him a call and say, I'm going to call my mom on the way to the next thing. Because, yeah, you're right.

You just don't know what the last words. Have I ever told you the last words my grandfather said to me before he died? No, what did he say? Get us a schooner. And I never saw him again. And you went to go? No, because we were gone for lunch. He was in hospital.

He was 88. He didn't even get, you didn't get the schooner. Oh, we can't take a scooter into the hospital. It was in the middle of COVID, too. So we went down to have lunch at the pub next door to the hospital out of Westmead. And I was like, oh, I'm going to go down. And he was sort of with it at that time. He was coming and going.

And he was like, oh, come here. He was like, okay. He's like, get us a schooner, would you? I was like, absolutely. And I left. And then I never saw him again. It's crazy, isn't it? Yeah, he did drink 30 schooners a day.

I like that you just said yes. you didn't argue. I'm never going to argue with him. No way. It's like my favorite person in the world. And, yeah. But you just don't know when the last, what the last conversation. So call your mom, call your parents, call your sister, call your loved ones.

But as I said, your fault. You and away in Bali. Yes. Well, I know. I know. And I was like, at first when you told me, I was like, oh, shit. And then I didn't realize how serious it was until we had a conversation the next day. And I was like, fuck.

Anyway. I'm sorry you had to go through that without me. Thank you. And I'm glad you is okay. Actually, can I say? Very kind of you to message mum to see if she was okay after the fact. She came to me and said, oh, Ashley's been messaging me and I said, I did.

I messaged her every time. She was like, he's sending me photos. She wasn't meant to tell you that. We are out of housekeeping now, Matt. Are we? Are you sure? Clean, as this? As the cleaners would say, it's a clean sweep.

Have they ever said that? Anyway, I'm back. I'm back in the country. I'm here. I'm with us in one piece. Can I just for a second? Just for a second. Tell people what you said in the group chat with myself and Jess.

And let's just keep in mind. You've had a week in Bali on an island, a tropical island with no kids enjoying cocktails every afternoon. And then you come back and you're like, guys, I've had the cold sweats, the shivers. I wouldn't wish this upon anybody. Expecting some sympathy. I never expected sympathy.

Jess and I are holding down the fort. The reason I said it is because I was moving house, which we'll get to next week. We'll talk about that this week. You moved house with a little rumble in your tummy. A little parasite in my tummy. Parasite. I haven't eaten.

I'm withering away. I'm okay now, kind of. I still can't eat. I'm a medical expert and there is no parasite inside. It's an acute parasite. Very good. See what I did there? Anyway, before.

Before that happened, we did go to Bali. I think everyone deserves a break. Weren't you just in L.A.? That was for work. How many times you've been to Bali this year? That's the first time. No. I haven't been away with my wife all year.

Okay. I don't believe you. Backtrack there, buddy. Backtrack a little bit. Let me check the history. You can check your annual leave history here. I finished off the block of shooting for this TV show. Met April at the airport.

Oh, fucking TV show. And we went... And we can I talk? Can we get one episode of the podcast without you talking about the TV show? Okay, take it out, just. Leave it in. Please. I need this.

And April and I got to spend a much deserved week in Bali without the kids. First trip away for April without the kids. How did she find that? Well, and I posed the question to you how soon is too soon to start looking at photos on your phone. I think like the flight out there. Literally, we hadn't even taken off. And just like, look, I was like, oh, fuck. But before we got to that point,

something really interesting happened. And we had mainly just checking baggage because it's hot weather. You don't any jumpers over there. And I had a board bag. You still bring one jumper just in case. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just in case. Sorry.

Just what to say, don't want to ruin anyone's trip to Bali by them not bringing your jumper. You're welcome. You take one. Just in case. The aircon be cold. We're going through security and my bag's come through fine and then April's bag gets pulled up.

In Bali. No, no, this is in Sydney, which is fine. And not that it's not fine at the other end. And I don't know if you've been to the international level lately. They've changed the config. It's really throwing everybody out. It's really throwing the smugglers out. So you used to go in and it was security.

I mean, it was immigration, then security. Now, security. immigration but it's all redone it's not it's actually much better i will say there's not you know that line that's i wouldn't know i haven't flown international for such a long time you enter bar this year bro remember you missed you for a or no you cancelled i don't know whatever anyway this is my story anyway so we're in we go through the security my bag's come through fine and then april's bag gets pulled up and it goes over to that big metal table you know they got the big it's like a sterile surgical table for some reason they've got gloves on like you've got a dead body in your

bag or something like that too soon bro with who no no she's alive though yeah for how long we don't know uh anyway um so they're going through i love you no no just they're rummishing let me get throw it they're rummaging through april's bag and just going like this and oh you guys have been in a pretty extra april's being a little nervous i'm like i'm like what have you done and she leans over and she was like I think it's my vibrator. Or the pair, thanks Amy Gerard. Why didn't you bring that in a carry-on?

We didn't have checking other than my surfboard. What? What? I know. Anyway. Put in the surfboard bag. She didn't want to, I was like, you need to tell her so that she can find it. We can go on our merry way.

She was like, no. So she was reluctant to tell her whole bag sprawled out over the thing. And the lady looks up and she goes, just trying to find something. that keeps popping up. It's like a circular thing like that. The pair, because it's a particular sex toy. There's kids in the car. I'm sorry, but they'll learn one day.

It's a pair. It looks like a pair. And I go, oh, yeah. And there's like an old guy there as well. And it was like, looks away from him a little bit. It was like, it's my vibrator. And the lady was like, oh, okay. We're going to come, right?

No problems. Anyway, she pulls this bag out. It's like a bag that stays in, like a tie-up little bag. thing that comes in. Lovely. So it's not so... Literally. Yeah.

So she opens that up. She opens that up, plops the vibrator on the metal desk, packs up the bag, it goes back through security, and on the metal table, it's just April's vibrator. At 6 a.m. in the morning, standing there next to a blank table, metal surgical table, with a pink sex toy. Spotlight. I know, and they're like, you.

And I'm like, sweet up. I just kept going. Did you get to keep the vibrator? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, worry that like maybe she just said that to throw them off.

Let me into the cockpit. Or else I make you come twice. Anyway, so we got to keep the vibrator, which is great. But it was a very, it was so funny. I feel like my pilot joke needed more, more laughter.

I'm not going to give it to you try it again soon hang on I thought that was good was it what did you say fucking go again I'll give you one go

I said I give you this one anyway moving on and then the sex capades continue I can only imagine the laughter right now echoing through the houses and cars

of the listeners all around the country well said the sexual escapades continued you. We did, we have had conversations prior to be going on this trip about my current like, love, my current thing. You like lingerie? Yeah, I'm loving it. I'm loving it. And I was like, we're going on a trip, no kids. Yeah, every time I spoke to you, like, tracking the delivery,

like, it's still hasn't arrived yet. What's it taking so long? This is the thing. I ordered some for her. It was like in a nice little gift box, the whole fucking deal for this trip. Jess. Stop laughing at me. And I was like, this is great. This is going to be perfect. Are we allowed to be talking about this? Yes. And then we got a notification. I got a notification and it was like, from the UK, it's not going to be here until after I've gone. I'm like, that's not good. So I jumped on to another website, ordered some more stuff. Jesus. I know, right? And I was like, sweet. Express delivery. And you're picking it? Yeah, bro. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's for, yeah. It's for me. But it's for me. But

I like, no, I love that. Okay. Sorry, it's checking. Just checking where your hands are. Then what happened? And then a couple of days ago and passed, and I got a similar notification. It's going to arrive after the fact.

So at this point, I'm like 500 bucks up in fucking elbow and launderey without a scarlet show for it. The children haven't eaten in weeks. I know, we're malnourish. You've got a crate of laundry set out of front porch. I'm like, the body suit's coming. son it's got it! Anyway, then I was like, fuck, what am I going to do? And I had one day before I had to go to Melbourne and then go, go to Bali.

And I was like, fuck. So I've had, I've, I've, I've clicking collected from another shop. Jesus. And I've actually gone. You've got three separate orders. Yeah. You've got a problem. I actually, well, thank you.

I went and collected that one because I wanted for, I wanted it for the trip. I wanted us to have a nice, fun week, no kids, an adult trip. There was going to be sex, Matthew. Okay. Thank you. I'm just going to admit it. There was going to be sex. Sexless to be had, hopefully, at that point.

Didn't help. She was on a period. Anyway. No. I guess you want to say, but that's a good word. Never mind. That's a story for another time. But anyway, it gets worse.

It gets worse. What, then the period or what? No, no, no, no. We get to Bali. I've said to April, I've got this. And she was like, taken aback. She's like, that's lovely. And it's beautiful.

There's stuff they do is. Anyway, so we're going through the week of the holiday. Having a great time. It was a bit rainy. I don't know if you saw it on the news. Like it flooded. Yeah, it was on the main island. We were on a different island.

And I kept getting notifications. The lingerie was being delivered as I was away. All gift boxed and lovely. To the house. Yeah. And my parents. Oh, God. Yep.

My parents were at my house. watching my kids and as the days progressed one of them was split up into two orders who must have come from a different warehouse so they've got like three or four orders of lingerie turn up unannounced for no reason

and they're like Ash has a right anyway I get home and it's all sat there and mum was just like... Surely it's a discreet box it's it says loungeware and the brand of everything all over it And my mom's just like, oh, you've got some packages. And I was like, oh, yeah.

And I knew they were there. I was bracing myself. Because my mom's one of those people who just tells it how it is. Like she spent 30 minutes one time when I was a kid telling me what an orgasm was. And it's like, for fuck sake. So she's created this monster. Yeah. Yeah.

Essentially. Essentially, yeah. Yeah. And I was like, oh, hey, mom. Hey, it's good to see it. How the kids are trying to divert any conversation. She was like, so what have you been into? Oh, fuck.

And she was like. seems like a bit much like turning into a bit of a kink. Just kink shaming you. I was like, what? It's just like, just be careful. It's a slippery slope. I know what I'm doing.

A slippery slope. To what? Gibsuits, apparently. And if that's what you're into, that is absolutely fine. Not my thing. Be honest if you bought one. Yeah, go one.

Anyway, so. It's coming from the UK. So that's how the Bali trip went. Nice. I would say. One other thing. April is terrified of crossing the road in Bali. It's scary.

It's full on. So she would, I would have to hold her hand all the time. One time I walked out in front of when she wasn't watching and then she grabbed a Balinese guy's hand thinking it was me. I mean, the guy freaked out. He freaked out? He'd be like, well, hello. It was a bit of both freak out.

And I was like, you're in the middle of the road. How did she mistake a Balinese man for you? She was looking at something and I've stepped out to walk and I went, let's go and then the guy just was the next man in line. That's how quickly I could be replaced, Matthew. Sometimes when it's busy like in a shopping centre and you got to overtake someone and the kid is in front of you and the kid thinks you're the parent and they turn around and they're like, say, Mom, I want this.

That happened to Abreu, this little kid started following her. I really know and then turned around and stopped to look at something and then this kid starts hugging the leg. She's like, fucking kids is. And I was like, it's not mine, obviously. Is this in Bali? No, no.

This is his own. Serra to Barley. But anyway, we came back all in one piece. I did come back and with a stomach parasite. Which I will tell you about next week during, because we are moving house, okay? You are, we're taking it. How about this? How about this?

This is exciting. Why don't next record, why don't we do it from the new house? Done. In the northern beaches. Done. We'll have to all been on the table. We can do a tour. A tour of the house.

Will it be ready in time by next day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, sure. We've done what? I love that. Can I help it any way? Oh, now you ask. I love it.

I can't wait to see the new pad. Thank you. Normally we would do a segment per rants, but this is a meaty episode. Housekeeping is sucked up so much time that we're going to park that till next week, and we're just going to have a little look at some of the questions. Matt, this one is from Charlie.

Thank you, Charlie, for writing this. How on earth do you juggle two, completely different sleeping routines of a newborn and a toddler. You're about to go through this. So what's the plan? Oh, shit. Charlie, don't give me this type of anxiety. Do you know what?

My biggest fear by having two kids in the one room would be how hard it would be to make them go to sleep at the same time. I always thought it would be a case of one was keeping the other one up. But, and the kids are a bit older when they started sharing a room, like, I'm not going to put a newborn in with Riling and Lola. You know, she's going to have her own little, because I think up until one, that's like a little time bomb, you're like, yeah, I think like the night, I think the nighttime routine is a little bit easier if you've got a baby and a toddler, right, because you're, you're all

at home, maybe the baby can go to bed earlier, yes, and it's not a big deal. It's like, I get to stay up and it can be a bit like that. But you know what, like a sleep routine for a newborn is all day, every day. And then you've got, I'd say you've got both girls home with you and Laura and then you guys go to the park and it's like, okay, well, this kid needs to nap. Yeah, we're nap traps. So one of us will stay home. Yeah. And it's like, if it doesn't, if the baby's not good at napping in the pram while out, then you're fucked because it's like you've got to come back.

Yeah, but I also kind of think, I mean, fuck, I can't, my memory of the newborn phase is more like, I kind of think of Marley, who was really easy. I'm trying to think of what it was like with Lola. I think I've just blocked it out because it was so awful. Yeah, it's traumatic. Love you, Lola. But I think you can kind of, if you create a certain environment for your newborn to go to sleep in, and it's like, you know, a quiet, tranquil place, then I think you're going to find it really hard to have them full of sleep when they're not in that little environment

that you set up. So I kind of think, make them sleep wherever. The best thing, right, when you're out with a newborn baby. is getting them to go to sleep in a crowd. Yes. Because the constant murmur of chatter. It's like in the belly, bro. There it is.

Like in the belly. I think we've answered that question. I think we... Good luck, Charlie. You're up. This one is from Lim and she wants to know how much TV is okay... All of it. Wait?

For a two-year-old. There's not enough. All of it. Give it to them all. Well, she says, I feel guilty when I turn the wiggles on YouTube for my little one to watch but she absolutely loves it don't we all she does have tantrum sometimes when we turn it off the mum guild sinks in when parenting feels easier with the tv on i only let her watch tv on the weekends an hour each day of the weekend that's pretty good i think you're doing a great job

limb wow that is that is a plus go easy on yourself also like an hour man my kids will watch it for like five hours straight there he is i forget i've got them yeah I think, look, I think if you've got already got... You're too busy that on your phone ordering lingerie. Guilty. I'm now broke. I think she's got to... I think you've got to dialed.

If you've already know, I wouldn't be able to tell you how much TV my kids would watch in the week. You know how much time and you restrict it. You are fucking far ahead of majority of people. And I don't think, I don't think they're... Each their own, whatever works for you guys. But it's so hard because there is no question about it. It's universal that kids absolutely go bananas for TV.

For screen time, it does make it easier. There is no question about it. And when you're exhausted, when you need a little break, you put that TV on and you just know that they're going to be locked in just for a little bit, just for a little bit, five hours. But also, I would say the only thing that I don't like is just the individual screen. You know what I mean? Yeah, we've actually, do we.

stop that. We had the iPads. So much better. And it's actually their iPads are in the little side table thing here in the living room. And I was cleaning it out and I put it on the table and Lola saw it when she came home from day. Yeah, I forgot to put it back and she was like, and I was like, fucking hell. I had to like try and hide it from her. And she just all night up until through dinner, bath time. She think I just went the iPad. I can't get it off on it too. It's crazy. And like, because they can't regulate it. it. They just ride the emotion over they're watching. But I like that, I don't mind like the TV, for example, Bluey and I've got the kids table and

chair in front and Macy's playing Play-Doh and watching that, awful. She can sit there for eight hours like it's a job. But do you know what? Apparently, apparently like the cocoa melon, people, I don't know what's going on, but people are like, it's so high stimulating with the noises and the flashing and everything else. You can get like the old-school ABC shows, they're like a lot more calming. Yeah, April does, yeah, April hits the ABC at night, the ABC shows at night because, yeah, it is, it's way more like, it's mellow.

It's way more, yeah, for sure, because like, they get, they're so easy to get worked up, aren't they? But the short answer was, you're doing a fucking good job. Lim, carry on. Absolutely fun. You're a great parent. That's well said. And if you have any questions, you can hit us up.

We're Ash on social media. Instagram, TikTok, the Facebook group, Tutoring Dads for all three. Oh, YouTube now. Yeah, we have YouTube full episodes as well. And if you're watching this on YouTube, hello. Thank you.

And if you've enjoyed this episode, the reviews have stopped. I'm not going to lie. That's because you keep asking for a new. I know. Oh, God, or 757. Someone leave a review for Matt. So next week, when I'm sitting in front of him,

he goes, we've got a review. Thank you. Yeah. So you can do that on Spotify. You do that on Apple. A couple of nice words would be good. If you hate it, one star, and leave some hateful words.

I don't care. I do. But until then, we'll see you guys next week. From Asher's House. Yeah. Woo! Hi.

I think. See it. Two doting dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders,

and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today.