Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #176 The Calm Before The Storm

Episode Date: October 7, 2025

Technically, baby Poppy has arrived!  However, in this episode, past Matty J, his wife Laura, and Ash have yet to meet her. The anticipation is high! So are the nerves...and in the words of Ash, "good luck!"  While Matt prepares to welcome a third baby, he's playing pranks on Marlie, and it's getting her into trouble at school. Ash has finally said goodbye to his Balie parasite and shares the remedy for getting rid of the things (yuck).   BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You did mention my t-shirt when I walked in. Is this part of the episode? Yeah. Is this... Now, this t-shirt was gifted to me by my children for Father's Day. Oh. So now I get to wear their shit art on my chest. Yeah.

Welcome back to Two Doting Dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast. All about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And one thing. I promise I will never do. Actually, it's a lie. Last episode, I gave some advice. I know. We were like, it's not advice, but it's advice. We try not to give advice. Every now and then, we can't help it. We have to let the valve go. It seeps out. We close a valve. We're shut again. It's a lovely shirt. Well said. Thank you. Yeah. Look. It is shit art All kids do shit art

But it's my shit art Who is it Is that you It's meant to be me Looks like you're attacking Macy What's the big blob on the right And we'll put a photo up

It's meant to be a love heart That's a Macy love heart That one That's cute We'll put a photo up on social Just a beautiful Creatable creations Yeah we'll get

Just take a decent photo Done by your kids What size shirt's that Excel It's a bit big I like a big shirt You know what a big shirt mean Not as big as you were a few months ago

I've lost a little bit of weight Yeah, are you going to start It's a parasite Moving to a Is the parasite gone? It is gone? Yeah How'd you get rid of it?

I ate a lot of raw garlic Yeah, trust me So let me just give you the concoction Please Is this housekeeping? This is not housekeeping We will go to housekeeping This is out of housekeeping

This is cooking with ash So there's a couple of things that you can do Please Raw garlic Yep seems to be because you can feel it happening. You feel it. Anyway, so what you do is you chop up the garlic,

but you mix it with honey to attract the parasite, then they eat the garlic and die. Parasites don't like garlic. They don't like garlic. They're vampires. Yes. Very good. They also only come out at night and love blood.

And the garlic won't kill the eggs, though, because there's already eggs in you, within you. With inst you. Yes. Well said. Made that word up. And then you need to have something like, like a papaya seeds, but not chewed.

You can't chew them. They've got to be... What do they for? They're to kill the eggs. How does the papaya seeds kill the... I'm not a scientist. I just went... Who's told you this?

Ha ha ha ha. And then walnuts and pumpkin seeds. How does April go at nighttime when you guys have a little bit of a... You know? She goes good, don't you? Oh, that's disgusting. Sorry, take that. Once you've had the garlic.

Because if I have garlic, it seeps out of me. Like, She didn't come near me because I had a parasite. And I didn't have the energy. I would have found it. No, no, I didn't have the energy. Let's go on to housekeeping. Okay, cool.

Let's go to housekeeping. What do you got? I got something for you. I have something for you. Oh, yay. Okay. Wait there. Don't go anywhere.

She says, hey, guys, love the pod. Shuckers, especially the ones where you talk shit. I'm absolutely here for it. Anyway, probably many. episodes ago, Ash had a story about some concerning play behavior he observed from Macy. I believe the term was serial killer. Was it the shark? No, it was when she was hiding body parts, do you remember?

Oh, she was hiding the Lego body parts. Yes. Well, there's still a bunch of heads missing. It reminded me of a confronting scene I'd witness for my five-year-old daughter. Partying up her room one day, I found a poorly plotted grave. Bull torsos until I finally stumbled upon the final resting place of the doll's limbs. Oh my goodness. In particular, the legs stuffed into a small pot or cup.

When I interrogated, said daughter, on her secret shame, she told me it was a bucket of drumsticks. Fessling with how I feel about this and she's put some photos in. Oh, no. Oh, my, it looks so creepy. It does look like drumsticks. I'd eat that. Bit of Aeoli,

that'd go down nicely. I found a cup of Lego heads and water frozen in the fridge. Yeah, so now she's found out how to preserve body parts. So we're all fucked. Just really quickly,

the cat, raspberry, likes to kill little lizards and she'll sometimes bring them inside. You know, cats are, I'm no animal expert. Cats are predators. Yeah, like, look what I've brought for you, Master.

Yeah. was a bit old, half decayed. And so some of the bones were sticking out. And Lola was just obsessed. She was like, how big was his lizard? Not tiny, like I'm talking like... You can say it's bones?

Cimodo dragon. And yeah, because it was an old lizard. So part of the rib cage. Sorry, I'm talking like one of those 10 centimetre lizards, tiny. But Lola was fascinated by the bones. And I was like, she's Jeffrey Dahmer. Oh, my goodness. Yes, just sit still, I want to take some pictures.

Housekick, what do you got? I've got one for you from Linda. This must go back from when we were talking about things people keep from childbirth, etc. She said, I kept my pregnancy tests and they are now mounted in a frame along with the outfit they came home from the hospital in. The hospital wristband, the birth certificate, etc. They are both hung in our living room. With no... ...look like...

And there's going to be a bit morbid. If you went to this person's house with no context and you saw that, you'd think that they lost both babies. Oh, my God. Like, Linda, I know it's beautiful. Ash! Well, I'm just saying it. I'm just saying it.

It does look a little bit. No, it doesn't. It looks like you're looking and you'd be like, oh, I'm so... What? No, it's beautiful. It is beautiful. It is beautiful. It is with context.

And I'm like... And I'm a big fan of context. These are adorable. I'm a big fan. I don't have any recollection at all. And so again, we'll put these photos on the Facebook group on socials. Join us now. I don't remember when we're wearing when they came home.

They definitely had that stripy-colored blanket. Oh, yeah. I can't wait to see those. We should make shirts that look like that. Can we? And people would, and it should just say, you know where this is from. Where's your birth certificate for the kids? He's good.

He's very good. I don't know. I'm not sure. I don't even know where mine is. Actually, I do know where mine is now because April's like, here's your birth certificate. I was like, you know, where did you find that? What about your wedding certificate? Yeah, it's probably in the family filing cabinet somewhere, wherever that is.

Above the fridge. It's under a bowl. It's under a key bowl. When I was cleaning out the room upstairs, which will be the nursery for Poppy, I did find Marley's little... Oh, the wrist thing. The wrist thing. Because they put on the foot as well, yeah, yeah.

It was just like Marley May was born. Cute. But I was like, oh, yeah. Been. No, it's not. I like it. Linda, great, I did. I, April, kept the belly button that drops off

because you know how you peg it. Yeah. Oh my God, I'm remembering all these weird things. Yeah, handy hint. Doing the nappy, peg up. No, pegged down. I can't remember. That was to me.

Oh, God. But I was a bit grossed out by them. What did she do with it? Eventually, I threw them out and didn't tell her. Oh, she's listening. Sorry. Because it's like beef jerky. I don't sure.

Did your mom keep euphoria after they cut it off after? I don't know. Because Laura just told me that Mitch Churrie's mum kept his fory. Yeah, that's weird. That is strange. What's that about? You know, there's nothing like a love between a mother and its son. It's like, oh, that's a big much.

I can put that in the bin. Come on. What's wrong? I know. What's wrong with people? Unless they really. Out of cloning. And it's like, hey.

Thank God, I've got that foreskin. Thank God I've got that bit of dried up jerky foreskin. I have something really quickly. Mm-hmm. This is a bit of it. Still housekeeping? Yeah. I don't know anymore.

I don't know. We just... No, housekeeping's done. It's over. Finished. That's it, guys. But today... Just now.

Just really quickly. Just as a parent, Ash, and I'm sure you can appreciate this, maybe the listeners are unaware, you have to be very careful as a parent with what you say to your children. Because they will believe anything. Yeah, I love that. And it's hard for children to decipher and what is serious.

Yeah, it's like, when I say, said to you, I was like, when are they going to work out what sarcasm is? Idiots? Figured out. Turns out, Mali hasn't figured it out. Yeah, neither of my kids. I was cooking dinner. Okay.

And I had some sweet potato. They were very thin, very long. One had a bit of a... You see that video of that. Yeah. I'm referring to a video on the internet where she had a really girthy. It's a thick.

It's a thick boy. It has the vein. And down it. It's like me. So they weren't, the ones that I had weren't quite as. That's okay. They're coming different sizes.

What is this? And I was like, this is a sweet potato. And she's like, what is, what is that? What does it come from? And I thought it would be funny

to say, well, actually, it's a pig's penis. Yeah. Okay. Why? I don't know. Because I'm fucking 12 or I.

And it's, and she was like, really? And I was like, oh yeah yeah these come from the farm they're from the pigs and not my best joke no i think it's great i like i love that because she would have confused the shit out of her yeah she was like the cogs were turning anyway before i could have the chance to say it's actually just on the ground it's a vegetable i then got carried

away with cooking i forgot to correct her she is now telling people everyone it's like Newsday, and she's like, well, guess what I found out? I'd say it's something weird. She's telling everyone. She's just like, talk to the town. What are you been telling Marley? And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, well, I picked her up yesterday.

She's telling my kids that you guys are eating pigs' penises. Oh my God, they're so dumb. And I was like, oh, fuck, that's right. I was like, Marley. And so then she was like, you lied to me? And I was like, ah. It was a joke. It's a joke.

Get a sense of humor. It was, I played a trick on you. That's what it's meant to be. And it's like, sometimes you're like, you feel bad for about one second. And you're the entertainment of it all. Like I was putting that table together in the new place that we sat at the other day. And I was like putting the legs on. And Mason's like, what are you doing?

I was like, making a sandwich. And she just took off. She's like, dad, it's got such a weird diet. I know. Those gummies. And I was like, that was, for me, that was funny. she's confused and I still haven't corrected her so we're still going on

every time you sit at a table she's going to be like is dad going to start eating it is it going to start just speaking about Macy really quickly good segue way ash she has learnt to say her full name because you know she's not a great talker

she's still she's a woman of few words yeah she doesn't talk very much also she can't say L so she said a Lego she's like Yago I'm a coin on the cob That's very cute But I got her to say her full name

Because I was like Oh well to see First of all she thought her middle name Was the same as Oscars Which is William Strong She's like Macy Regal

Thank you Mine's William too in the middle After who? My grandfather Billy William William Bill I was like those names don't match Ashton William Matthew Wicks Tell good Matthew

A little bit of Matthew and me too Do you? You want some more Sorry Yes please If you're offering, the internet would. I apologize. The internet had just about die. And I, anyway, so I got her to say her name.

I just thought it was... Just for... Just for the fun of it. Yeah, nice. I wanted to show you, because I thought it was really cute. So what's your full legal name? I see I want to be swit. Oh, very good.

So what's your full legal name? I see I want to be swit. Oh. Like, you're like Yoda. I know, I know, she's just so good. She cried. I just give her a bit of chocolate for that. Her voice is...

It's so cute. Melt my insides. We were in the car the other day, and this would lead me into my... Quick observation that I saw before we move on is... So we're in the car, and so you came over to my place the other day, You drive down that really long road along Narrabeen Lake, you know, and there's the path. Wakehurst Drive.

Wakeos Parkway, actually. Nice try. Is it Wakeos Drive? Anyway, ignore me. I will. We'll walk around the lake. It's lovely. It's a beautiful walk, beautiful run.

But I noticed the other day, only because of Macy spotted it, she was like, look a cat! She said, look, two cats! And I was like, what? And I look over, this is going to drive me crazy forever. Two people. not walking their cats they had them in baby carriers

baby Bjorn baby it's not like a front mount front mounted two cats like a couple like this cats are like yeah so there's two people two cats

think about that yeah and it's got the thing over the front did they look were they Look, honestly, I didn't get that good. Were they able mind, able body? It's 80Ks. I did slow down to like 40. They were like 40 years old.

Also good of Macy. Great eyesight. She's got, well, she's got those young people. She's on that side of the car too because there's two car seats. Boom, she's spotted them and I've slowed right down. Freaks! Yeah, I was literally like, they're not kids. Also, baby Bjorn, that's good money.

Yeah, they should bring out a pet range. Not actually, because I don't think it's the same. Careful what you say here. That is a little bit. I mean, can I just say, I will defend pet parents who put their pet in a walker or a trolley type structure if the pet is too old to walk. If it's too old to walk, put that fucking thing down.

Iggy, your dog. Iggy can walk. She's a functioning animal, canine. No need to yell. There's a functioning cana. No need to... I have told the story She doesn't know what day it is.

I told the story of how my dad's dog died, right? Take it away. That dog was like 18. Okay. Your dad's dog? Yeah, it was our family dog. Okay.

But it was dad's dog. And the only time it would ever really get up and about was after a bath. It would pounce, prance. It was happy after a bath. You know what I mean? Sure, okay. Yeah.

A kangaroo. Well said. Thank you. And on our balcony was those wires. of the wires that go around to keep everyone in. Yep. Okay. The dog prancing and then what it would do,

it would rub up against the wire because it must feel good. Anyway, one day after a bath, really happy, rubbing up against the wire, slipped through the wires. Oh, God. Felt two stories. Two stories. That's a long way.

Wack on the ground. Survived? Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. Had to pick the dog up. You did.

It was a dog. Shame. What kind of dog was it? It was a Australian silky terrier. Don't know what that. That is. It was an old show dog. Oh, gosh.

What a loss. But the poor thing, the only happy moment turned into a catastrophic fall. Yeah, it'd be like masturbating and then like suffocating in the process. Yeah. Some people were into that. I had to take it to the vet and put it down. Can I just say thank you for sharing that story? Yeah.

But I just thought, what a way to go. How do we get onto this topic? I don't know. Anyway, moving on. Okay. Cats and carriers. Cats and carriers. What's the?

next. Honestly. That's right. If your animal is walk on its own and you want to take the animal outside for a little, a little like, you know, fresh air, if you will, and you have to put it in a carrier. I will allow it. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I think there needs to be some sort of signage. To say that. To explain it. Well, I think you can tell. And on the back of the trailer says, a pet parent, my dog can't walk. So I'm taking him out for his daily sunshine.

It was trying to. scratch itself on the balcony and felt his story. Sorry. Sorry. Don't want to laugh at. Also, our old neighbor, a cat fell out of their, off their balcony, seven stories. I found it. It was alive. I had to pick it up. No. They said though. Wow. You've been through a lot. They said though the reason it didn't, because you know, cats land on their feet. Always. Not always. Apparently they're saying that the cat didn't fall high enough for it to flip back around and land.

How high was it? How high was it? Not high enough. No. Facts. Seven stories is not high enough or had to flip onto its feet? Yeah. And then I had to break the news to the old guy.

Who's saying this? The vet. No, he's an idiot. Okay. Her? Thank you. Women can be vets too now. Oh, fuck.

Also, I had to tell the old guy that died and then all of a sudden I'm by comforting a 65. five-year-old man crying my shoulder. I'm like, bro, it's a cat. Oh, my God. Try to lose a dog off a balcony. Anyway, moving on.

Moving on. Just really quickly, we are going to speak to Laura in just a second. We are. She is, get done. Must be nice. This is, by the time this comes out, the baby would have arrived. We're recording this right now on a Tuesday. The baby is booked in to be induced tomorrow 8.30 a.m.

Wow. So we will get. What time should I get there? I think nine o'clock. I've allowed guests from 9 o'clock. You've got front row reserved. I wonder who's going to be there. Just me.

I think Alicia's coming, Laura's sister. Great. Okay, cool. So, this will be the final word from Laura. Her last little interview before she gets split into by a tiny human. Well said. Well put. Also, I was thinking about putting up.

Every little saying that we come up with, I swear how many shenandy have already. I know. I just really quickly want to talk about how disappointing it is as a parent when you invest not just the money, but the time for your child to play a sport that they end up hating. That's all about whether it goes good or bad on that day when they hated on it. Man, you know, soccer was such a great idea. At the time, we did a little soccer ball around the house. And Lola just loved to kick that football. Gosh, she was into it.

And we thought, do this. Little soccer clinic on the weekend. Great. Coming in the back end of winter. In Centennial Park. What a beautiful thing, Ash. Lovely. Spring mornings?

Great. Afterwards. Except my allergies. Man, it is like I'm dragging her to the day. Every Sunday morning. Oh, no. She hates it so much. We do it for them too.

And she wakes up and she's like, what day is it? And I'm like, it's a Sunday. She's like, it's a soccer day. And I'm like, it is a soccer day. And she's like, don't make me go. I'm like, oh, for God's sake. And there's another friend that we've made there and we enjoy. And I think I'm going to blame the coach.

Oh, this is the piss head. No, he's out. We've got a new one. Okay. A new one. He's Spanish. He's very strict. He's really, and I, and I,

I just want to remind people, and if you're a coach of a young soccer team, take note. Like, you drill into these kids, like, rules and to be perfect. You're not teaching messy here. You're teaching a four-year-old. Let them just have fun. To a degree. He rules with an iron fist. And he pits the kids against each other.

I'm really liking what you're putting down for this guy. I'm actually. He does this game where you get two groups of kids, right? It's called soccer. You shut the fuck out. Like two teams? Two teams. Every kid has...

Groundbreaking. Every kid has a number, okay? You are just literally describing the game of football. Hang on! He then calls, number one. Number ones then, they run up two teams. They both run into the pitch. He throws a ball.

They have to then battle it out like gladiators to fight for the ball to then score a goal. Okay, the issue is these kids that have been doing soccer for a long time. Lola's just starting out, man What age group are she in? She's four For a long time They're all four Because the kids have been there

Since they were two Wow, that's commitment Are they Spanish? Some of the boys, yeah they are The European kids I'm like, They rock up in their football boots Are ready, Lola's just there

And like a slippers None of them could swim though Thank you I needed that I know Lola hates how competitive it is Hates it She strikes me as a competitor.

She's not, bro. Really? She's not. The moment you start fighting against another kid, the coach is there giving them fucking knives and he's like, all right, you'll, here, you'll fight her. Whoever wins, scores a goal. And I'm like, there's no need for this.

Fight to the death. All they want to do is just. So I'm paying this crazy amount of money. And I end up just, I kick the ball with Lola, like just by ourselves. And I'm paying like a hundred bucks for it. Yeah. And they really wrench you on the sport, Oh, dude.

The only, like, for Oscar with Jiu-Jitsu, he was like, hey. And now last night, he was like, I want to do it every day. And it was like, oh, thank God. Because I was like, I'm, I said to him, I'm throwing money down the toilet here because you wanted to go, you went, you had one bad day out of all the good days, and all of a sudden you hang on to that. Yeah. The anxiety gets to him on the way.

You're allowed to be anxious. Everyone is anxious before they do things. things. You just don't know the unexpected. I just want her to have a little win, a win on the pitch. That's all she needs, I reckon. That's all she needs, bro. And she gets there as soon as she gets one ball taken away from her, she's like,

I'm out. Yeah, it was like I got school with Rugby Union. Oh. He was tackled and I'm like, that's footy. I just, again, coaches, if you're listening to this, if they're four years or if they're under six, just make it fun, right? Everyone's a winner. If you touch the ball, you win.

Let me ask you a question. Go. Is he a parent? I don't know. Probably, no, I don't reckon he's just a soccer fan of this guy.

Why don't he coach the team? You're fun? Yeah, I'm doing it at the moment. All the kids, all the kids who aren't good enough, he's got two kids that are great. I take the rest of the guy.

I'm at the pie piper of the bad kids who can't kick a football and I'm there like encouraging them and having fun with them. Meanwhile, and here's another football player. Ronaldo. Which one?

Oh, shut up. I think you should be a pioneer and just go, listen here. I'm assuming his name is like Stavros or something. Something Spanish. That's racist. Is it? What's a common Spanish? Jose!

You just go, step aside, sunny gym. I'm paying 100 fucking bucks a lesson. I'm not going to them pay that money to then coach the class. What do you want for me? Just you relax. We just want to see, we just want to know how you're feeling. And there's a couple of bones. We've been trying to get you on the podcast for so bloody long.

There's a couple of bones to pick. I'm having a baby tomorrow, so I'm glad that we've left it to the very last minute. Strategically. This could bring on labour. This could be so uncomfortable for you, like a stretch and sweep who might bring on labor. I do love a good stretch and sweep. How about a few of them? How are you feeling?

In all honesty. I... The end of my tether at the end of my tether. moment. I feel as though I'm having a near-death experience and there is something inside me that's crushing all my internal organs and it's trying to exit through my pubic bone. So you're not horny. She's really trying to rush this podcast along. She just gave us a full spiel. No, I was so good. I would have said that this was my easiest pregnancy up until about three weeks ago and now it is my worst. And you know that we we did call an expert about

Do you guys have a parenting podcast? Do we? We talk about a lot of topics other than parenting sex. This episode's been mostly about dying pets. Yeah, a few pets have died during this episode. Buster, don't listen to him. If he farts one more time out of the table, you're going with them. We've tried everything to have, oh, that's the cake.

Hold that thought. He's made this kid a birthday cake. What? Stop pretending like you actually. Does that job, Laura? Yeah, right. This is the sort of thing. It smells amazing.

Let's burn. There you go, Poppy. This is all for you. Daddy's been baking. You're welcome. I don't think Poppy can hear you. It's quite in free, guys. Yeah, so if that baby comes out of celiac, you're all good.

Today, that's why I used it. It's not like psiliosis is really bad. I thought celiac had something to do with your spine until I realized it was that scoliosis. No. I'm like, fucking hell. What? I got to laugh this baby out of us.

Just the internal. Just your internal thoughts coming. Nothing. Yeah. We haven't touched the sides. I know. What were we talking about the other day at my place? No, it was here.

And you're like, it's fascinating. Bennett, the last name. Oh, yeah. Double E, double N, double T. And you're like, your brain. We had Dr. Bennett on. And that's, that's what came out. That's his biggest takeaway.

Was, okay. Is Dr. Bennett connection. She said, she said that we should have sex because the semen is going to help bring the baby out. So apparently the amount of semen that you actually need to bring on labour is akin to a liter. Is it like tug-in-war? That's how much you would need for there to be enough hormones in the semen.

That is a fucking lie. To bring on labour. So unless you've been. To be fair, Matt's been baking it for a while. Probably would be a little. Yeah, it needs more troops in there. You know what I mean? it's like tug a war

get in there unload the leader's worth of seaming in there and pull that baby out we better get to work then I would like Honestly This is for Laura To talk about

She's having a hard time I am I would like to know Friend to friend husband to wife How is it How are you feeling about What life will be like

With three children in the mix Some days I'm really excited about it. And then both kids are not listening and we're both annoyed at each other. I'm like, wow, this is going to be a lot. Like, we're going back into the trenches. But also, I feel like we know what we're in for because we're now done it. We're like old ducks at this parenting business. But when I'm freaking out. That's a fool's game going in. I know. I know. But I do feel, I think we are going to be okay. I think. But when I feel, I can't say anything because I'm like, I don't want to make a spiral. When I'm like, Laura, we're fucked.

How often do you think this? Really? He rings me and tells me every day. He's like, you are the more positive person. Like, I'm very realistic. It's all fake. Don't say that. I feel like I'm more realistic. It's like it's going to be hard for a year. It's going to be, or not a year. Six months is going to be hard. But like the girls are so excited. And when we had Lola, they were so close in age that we just had two babies in nappies at different ages. That was really, really hard. Whereas, like, I feel like now at least the gap is going to be good for us. It would be interesting to see what the dynamic turns with the two girls, how that's going to go. I think Lola's going to get really jealous.

That's what Matt said. I'm prepared for jealousy because she is still, even though she is, you know, gives Matt some time of day these days, which is more than she did six months ago. She's still very much, like, seeks me out in every occasion. Like morning's first thing, it's like, where's mummy? I want mummy to do this. I want me to put me to my teeth. Even at nighttime, she'll say, she knows that she can't have you in a bed and she can't come into our bed. So she'll say, Dad, come over here.

I'll go into bed with her full of sleep, which I shouldn't do. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. But then within an hour, Lola's like, you can leave now. She's like, can you get out of my bed? This morning, she woke up and he goes to comfort her, but then he always falls asleep within five minutes, which we're trying. I'm trying to sleep, train Matt not to do that and to come back to the bed. But anyway, this morning she woke up and dad was still in bed with her.

And she was like, enough. Get the fuck out of my bed. So there was a tantrum about the fact that Matt was still in there. Yeah, but I think we're fine. I actually think we are not prepared enough. The indication of that would be the fact that the bassinet is still, and still has not been assembled. We don't have a car seat yet,

so there's actually no way of bringing the baby back from the hospital. I'll do that tomorrow. We have not assembled the pram. You did say that you were buying the car seat. Yeah, and then I remembered I was the pregnant one, and you're not, so I just didn't go and get it. Yep. And, yes.

Just full into the room that's meant to be the nursery. We don't have a nursery. A reformer in there looks great. So when you're just going to plop the baby down on the reformer? Well, in the docketot on the footroom. Baby's going to be shredded. Maybe this is the thing. Like when you have three, you also realize like how little preparation you actually need because they're.

So I'm like, oh, we have four months to get. I haven't even packed a hospital bag and I'm being induced in the morning. So I'm going upstairs after this to pack a hospital bag. Holy hell buster did just fart under the table and it's punchy. I can't wait for four after four months and we're having this conversation. We have the nurse with this to the Pilates and she's silly. There's no, Pram. I've always wondered, how, how nervous are you about childbirth?

Like, it is absolutely horrific what women have to go through. I mean, yeah, thank you. It is at times. But also, I am having an epidural, and I did speak to my obstetrician. I was like, because when I had at last had to be an established labor in order to have the epidural, which, you know, when you've been in due, inductions can be a lot more intense with labour. And it was awful.

I was like, why do I have to, why do I have to experience this absolute horror show and then have the epidural? And I was speaking to my obstetrician, he was like, oh, you can have the epidural stress. Well, not now. I'm going to arrive in the car park, go upstairs and be like epidural first and then break my waters.

Add the reception. I was speaking to your sister and Kate had the same thing done. So I'm not, I'm actually not, I don't know, I'm not scared. of the birth part. Like, it feels like I'm about to run a marathon, but uncomfortable at this point. Like, I honestly feel like I'm a whale on land that's trying to walk that I'm quite happy about going through the birthing part.

And also, there's this weird, sick thing that happens because you have such a dopamine rush afterwards that it's like, it's, like, you want it. Like, it's like exciting. It's like an addict. Oh, you ball thing. How are we feeling about Poppy versus Penny? Oh, I'm still, I'm still team poppy. Me too.

Team pops. For other reasons. Popsicle. I've got to wager with my wife. Why don't you like Penny? I've got to wager with my wife that it's poppy. Oh. And if it's not, I've got to do a gym class with her and that's my best night.

And April is very fit. I call it a different. Just so that I can be punished. Essentially, she wants to sign me up for high rocks or whatever. What's high rocks? That's another story. Oh, my pelvic floor could never. No, me either.

Mine either. My pelvic floor just like, oh. Who's going to be in the room with us? Alicia and you. Sorry. You wouldn't even touch my stomach, let alone look at the horror show that's about it. But you also are not a great deal of help. That's why my sister's go.

Just don't look. No, because Matt doesn't like looking down the party end. Yeah, I wouldn't. And he also doesn't want to cut the umbilical cord and he gets quite hungry. He has to go out for snacks. He does get very hungry. He gets really hungry. So that's why my sister's going to be.

be there because she'll either do the sandwich run. I could do be a snack guy. And then often Matt wants to film content around all the things you shouldn't say in labor. So, like, quite often we're in the labor theater still. I want to come to that, that one. I want to go to that one. That one sounds fun.

Think about the two bursts that we've had together so far. I'm like, Marley and Lola were absolutely. So far. Sorry. Well, they were like chalk and cheese. Like, Marley was kind of really stressful. And then Lola's was so easy. We were, if anything, we were trying to find things to pass the time with because I,

I had been in, I had the epidural. I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't in pain for eight hours for this baby to come. And we're having a great time. Sounds good. So more filming of content? Yeah, well, there's mixed signals going on here. So I'm not invited.

Do you want to come? No, absolutely not. I fainted during an epidural, so I definitely don't want to come. Oh, I'm getting kicked so bad right now. Hurry this up. Speaking of things that you shouldn't say during childbirth, I thought we should do a little segment, which we call things you shouldn't say to a pregnant woman. Creative.

I love the name of it. Can we start with you? Is there any that spring to mine, if there's your third pregnancy, that you're like, this one just comes straight at me. Someone says to me, wow, it's gone so fast. Oh, fuck off. And I go. For who? For you?

Because I haven't seen you for six months. It has gone quick, though. It has gone quick. But you were also not here for the whole first trimester. So, yeah, everyone always says, like, wow, that. this pregnancy has gone fast and it feels like it could not have gone

slot. Especially the last week. Yeah, it's one of those ones where you don't, yeah, you don't know that that's like the wrong thing

because he's like, oh, just time's gone far. Yeah. You're sort of going, you're sort of calling out time here, not calling out like, totally.

But when it's gone, like, especially the last couple of weeks have gone so incredibly slow. Yeah. For you it had. For me, it's boring by.

I know. I've got one. Go. Are you ready for your life to be over? Which is also not true. Oh my God. That's morbid. Or are you ready to never sleep again?

But also not true. Otherwise, if it was true, people wouldn't go back for a third kid. We've done it before twice. So I don't subscribe to that. Having kids is great. I know. We don't subscribe to any of this. Let's just put that out there.

I think there's a very obvious one, which is, wow, you look huge. Which is a real fan favorite. That's a classic. I've done that one. I've even done that. I've also done that. I did that one to a friend of mine because at the time I was in my early 20s and I just expected that it was a normal thing that pregnant people should be huge and therefore it wasn't an insult to tell them that they are. I was very wrong. No offence to the pregnant women out there. You are fucking huge. I do hope for you that that gets edited out. But in contrast, are you sure you're eating enough? It's not that big. Yeah, the not that big one is also weird because then you worry that there's something wrong.

So on the, like, on the converse side, you know, just don't talk about malnourished. I often get, you look the same, like your arms and legs are the same. You just have like a belly. And then it gives me visions. Elderly man with a pot belly, like with skinny arms and legs. Oh, yeah. That makes it feel weird because I'm so arousal as I. I got one here.

I got one here. And this one's a little bit triggering. it's kind of like someone says what you can and can't eat. So, for example, if you're eating something and it's like, oh, you really shouldn't eat that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you get that a lot. And everyone seems to know, and it's always something different. Like they're like, oh, is that whole leg?

No, no, no, I don't know. I've been, look, I mean, we've made it this far. So I think I can admit to it. I've been really lax this pregnancy. I have smoking. There has been. I did see you smoking out of that. So, like, my number one craving this pregnancy.

You're not meant to eat him, but I've eaten hair as like a staple part of my diet this pregnancy. This child will be half pig coming out. You're also aren't supposed to eat oysters. But any time we've been to a nice restaurant, I'm like, get a dozen. Just go for it. Get a dozen for me. But you know, you know that you're going to get the judging eyes. Oh, you do.

And I feel like with it relaxed. So, yeah. Yeah, there's another one as well, which I've got here is you don't even look pregnant, which is sort of like they're trying to be nice. That's kind of nice. Yeah, it's kind of nice, but then it also discounts how much you've gone through up until that point. Because it's like, well, if I don't look at, I very much am fucking pregnant. Yeah, and I feel it regardless, yes.

I also think kids are very humbling because kids don't have a, they don't have the ability to hold back. So, Marley and Lola have offended me many times. Yeah. Or not even accidentally, they just say what they're thinking. And it is a truth, but it doesn't need to be said. Like, Mom, you've got a fat butt. Like, like, why does your vagina look like that? And I'm like, because I'm pregnant, sweetheart.

Like, just get out of the shower. Like, get out of the bathroom. How long can you use that excuse for? Because I'm pregnant. My vagina looks like that. Yeah, because I had three of you. So we were in the park recently. And Mali was just telling everyone that I have purple boobs around the park,

being like, my mum's got purple boobs. And what she meant is your nipples go dark during pregnancy, but obviously didn't have the vocab to explain that. It's like I'm in bed with a new woman. Is it the ariola that goes a different color? Yeah. You're ariola. I was expecting you to call it Aeoli or something.

I thought Ariola was a Disney princess, but that's Aria. So she's to see the confusion. Very easy. Yeah. So she told everyone, yeah, my nipples are purple. My boobs are purple. They're not totally purple. Get them out.

Get them out. They're actually pretty purple. This is a child-friendly show, Matt. What else you got? You got anyone? Just did it. No, let's give Laura. weird pregnancy things have happened.

She needs a break. Flatulence, that's a big one. What about when someone just asks, like a random ask if they can touch your belly? Too much? Depends on who it is. No, what is there dragging you in being like, grope? It's me. It's me. I tried to make Ash touch my stomach and he was so grossed out by it.

Yeah. It was surprising how much it upset you. That's because I got seasick through April's pregnancies. No, Laura, I know you are, you've had a lot on today. We've dragged into the podcast. It was meant to be a quick chat. It's now become a long chat. Sorry about that.

You need a pack for tomorrow. We haven't packed. One gripe I've got really quick. The bag, the hospital bag. I saw, I saw, I looked very uncomfortable and very tired. What was they doing? You were just, you were just ready for the baby to come out. That's what you were.

What story was it? Because I might have felt fine at the time. So now I want to know if you're offending me. I responded to it and said, I hope you're feeling okay, mate, blah, blah, blah, blah, left on red. You left me on red. What was the same? Can you get your phone out because I want to know now whether I felt ready? It says expire.

Damn it. But it says, I hope you're feeling okay, mate, thinking of you, something like that. And you fucking left me on scene. Also, I'm pregnant. Also, Jess, I was exhausted. Jess, our producer has followed you for a while. No follow back on social. Also, do you know what?

I don't use social media apart from for work. It's true. Oh my God. Now I've heard it all. Laura, thank you. Thank you for jumping on. If you've enjoyed this episode, please, we would love it if you shared it with a friend. Tell your mom, tell your kids, tell you, I thought you were telling Laura then.

Tell your mom, tell you dad, tell you love, love. No, I was just saying. We love, love. Tomorrow morning, just so you guys do know the timetable, we wake up. I call the hospital at 6 a.m. Yep. And then we take Lola to daycare or Kate takes Lola to daycare. We drop Miley at school and we go straight to the hospital.

So we are there from 8.38. It's like checking in. When April had her last C-section, it was planned. It was like checking into a hotel. I'm nervous. Are you? Yeah. Why?

I don't know, because this is a fucking big deal. How do you feel about going to number three? I mean, we're just about to wrap the podcast up. Sorry, but I feel like you're actually being honest about it for once. Wow. I'm just going to see myself out. I'm with me. I'm nervous, but I'm excited.

I'm just, I don't know what we're going to get. This baby, obviously, a child. I just hope it's a child. I was something I need to explain. It's going to be an easy child, a hard child. I mean, what's it going to do for us? Probably nothing. It's a baby.

What do you want it to do for you? I bought this sentence. I'm so excited. No, I just, I just. You mean to us or for us? I just think if we get a tricky baby, it's going to be months of hell. And I'm like, fuck, I don't know, I'm ready for that. Sucked in.

I mean, if you have enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who you think might enjoy this. If you would like to follow us in social media, you can do that. Instagram. Where else? TikTok, Facebook. And now YouTube. Full episodes.

I thought you were giving me the YMCA dance then. I'm impressed by you guys. Now with YouTube and all. Yeah, we're just following in your footsteps, to be honest. And this camera setup is elite. That's my confidence. I think that's it. I think that's everything.

All right. Well, best of, for me to you, to you, best of luck to both of you tomorrow. Thank you, Ash. I will be thinking, I won't message you because you will write back to you on Instagram. I just need to say, I am excited. I am excited. I am excited. I have to put that out there. We heard you, bro. People are like just, I'm, I'm, I'm nervous for you. I'm like, I'm like, holy shit, this is a big deal. It's a lot of mixed emotions. Let's go with mixed emotions. But he has been very excited for the last six months.

Oh my gosh. I, I get it. I get it. Great. Thank God. All right. Goodbye. See, run. Oh, my God. As a parent, Ash, and I'm sure you can appreciate this. Maybe the listeners aren't unaware.

But I was just giving the brief back up. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I was getting the brief back up. I don't want to have to hear you. It's welcome it. I need to feel something. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.