Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #177 Poppy Has Arrived!

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

The Johnson/Byrne's are finally a family of five!  Despite a change of midwives mid-labour, Poppy's birth was a breeze (according to Matty J). Dad was nervous about the growing private medical bill and even tried to barter with the doctor.  Meanwhile, Ash couldn't believe his sister was asked to pet sit an animal that definitely shouldn't be pet sat. Making a return for this week's episode is your Parenting Lies and Par-Rants! We've got some good ones.  BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Something that's just come to my attention that I think that the general public should know. Go on. China confirms new virus outbreak after man eats bird cum. I just, I don't know what's going on with my... We all have moments where we're just a little bit curious.

Oh, why? You say, like, sexy boys? Welcome back to two dotting dads. Actually, you do the intro. Welcome back to two doding dads. How do you do it? Welcome back to two doting dads. I am Maddie J. I'm Ash? Yeah. Nah. You sound too husky and sexy to be me.

Okay. Welcome back to two dody dads. I am Ash. You already. You said that line already. You want to rest that place. Well, just how many fucking times you want to say? say it. I'm Ash. I'm Mennie J. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It's the good, the bad and the relatable. Nailed it. And we don't give advice. I've got laryngitis. You just have made up laryngitis. I've got laryngitis. Well, who diagnosed you? Just googled it just then. Yeah, it's like similar to my parasite diagnosis. Dude, it's the newborn phases, hit me hard.

It's been to be screaming at you, not you screaming idiot. I know. It's a combination of no sleep, screaming at the kids. God, I'm tired. Yeah, you look a bit more sure. Shut up. No, like you still look great, but you look like you're tired. Like, you can see in your eyes

that you need a good rest. Just add that to the list of things never to say to a parent. Oh, fuck, yeah, sorry. You look, shit. No, we are, I would like to apologize for the state of the voice.

I like it. I told you that I like you, Husky. Thank you. I do. I want to talk to a tradie. When I dropped off Mali at school, I was like, you're going? Yeah, yeah.

It was like, they were all like talk like that because they have industrial deference and they've got a, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ash, we will get into a little update on Poppy. Oh, yes. A little story about the birth. Before we do that, it would be remiss of us not to talk about housekeeping. Yes, housekeeping.

I'll start if you like really quickly. Based off the chat a couple of weeks ago, the lingerie chat. Yeah. Oh, did they all arrive? They did all arrive, and they all look great on me. People want to know.

People want to know where I shop. They want recommendations, which I don't, it's not that special. I like, how am I now? This nation's Laundra King specialist. I'm just waiting to get a bunch of PR packages

or anything that would be actually, if you want to know. Could you imagine if you picked up a lingerie sponsor? That would be ideal. Oh, my God. If anyone's got a small business. So people have asked for recommendations. I'll just rail them off what I think.

We've got a list. I got three that I've... Jesus Christ. I only have three because I... You're keeping the economy going for small businesses at the lingerie industry. I scrambled. Remember I was scrambling because nothing was arriving. Loungeware is a classic.

I've used that before. Can we have like some sexy music underneath this? Yes, please. Okay. Start now. Loungeware. Oh. It's a great one.

How did you find loungeware? Be mindful man shopping for lingerie, though. It can lead to a lot of other different situations in that moment. Go on. You know what I'm talking about. No. Okay. Hang on.

The time that you said to me, have you ever looked at Laundrae uniconic? Don't be. I'm just saying, do it in private. That's all I'm saying. For starters. When Oscar's it jihitsu and you're sitting there on your phone. In the car. Loungewear's a good one.

There's lace and lush. No, lace and lust. Lust. How do you know? Look it up. Hang on. Again, you should only do this in private. Because I will say they do have, they do how to pick models.

Sorry, lace and lush. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking about it. Anyway, and... Lastly? Honey Burdette. Honey Burdette.

See, that's an actual store. What are the others? Oh, they say, a physical, physical. You go into the store. I did on this occasion. Did they have parking around the back or what are they? It was in a big shopping center, so then I had to leave the shopping center with the bag that said Honey Birdette. And I was like, here, Macy, hold this.

Oh, for God's sake, turn your fucking phone off. Why did that... I don't know how to... Put it on an airplane. mate come on big guy sorry guys come on sorry sorry I thought it was no we're flowing we're having a good time we're talking about honey

the ears were burning that was her honey she's like what color tonight nah no I'm just kidding she was like what's my dinner anyway yeah so I had to walk back I had Macy with me when I went and picked it up so I was just like yeah I was like

yeah I just carry this anyway that's where I get it from But there are endless options. How do I know? Don't you worry. But again, do it in private. Well, together. Love that.

Love that. Excuse me. Quick Ziggy break. Whilst you're buying lingerie, I'm out here buying fucking baby products. We live very different lives now. It's hard for us to relate. I know.

I can't relate to you. I never felt so separated from you in all my life. I know. I haven't seen you at ages too. though. I've grown. I've not. I put a post in the Facebook group, which was very exciting. On par with lingerie. And I asked, does anyone have any recommendations for a car seat mirror?

Fuck, that's where I'm out right now. Your voices. I can't take you seriously. So like, oh, I get it so that you can, because they've got to sit backwards now. See, I'm so far ahead of that. Am I in a different life station? dude that you what i recall is the the initially the seat goes backwards which they hate majority of the time not a fan they're not a fan and then you get a mirror so you can see them

from your review mirror so it's what i like to call the link the link of mirroring let's make that up very good put it on t-j but the issue is with the mirror if you're driving you can't drive and shoulder check with the mirror because the mirror is on the especially if you had a bad night's sleep the night before on your neck. Which is very often. Which, for me, I couldn't do that. And if you're doing a long trip on a highway, you know, you're going 100 kilometres an hour house.

You don't want to risk life and limb to check on the baby. So what do you do? What do you do? As a parent. What was the answer? Just tell me. Spit it out. Cameras.

Cameras. Like a reverse camera. The baby shouldn't be back there for starters. People are like, you can get like for 60 bucks. You get a camera that has a little cord plugs into the cigarette lighter in the car, and you get a monitor that suction onto the windscreen. And you can position the little camera, like any which way you want. Cameras, it's only like size of a 50 cent piece.

And it straps around the headrest. I thought you were going to say straps around their head, like a GoPro. We GoPro at the baby. 60 bucks. And has night vision. So if you're driving at nighttime, you get a clear picture. Wow. Dude, the future is here.

Have you got it? It's in the car. Oh my goodness. You're going to have to show me afterwards. But like that's amazing. Also, you could get up to no good with that. Night Vision. April's in the back of the car in laundry.

Wow. We've really come a long way. Dude, flying cars. I thought we'd be there. Like hoverboards, sure. Even better than that. Cameras. HD cameras in the car.

Yeah. And they're just live footage. Genius. 60 bucks, bro. That'll be the best 60 bucks you ever spent. The future. The future. What are they going to think of next?

That's what I want to know. I don't know. Housekeeping done. That's it. Finished. Nice and tidy. Oh, shit. Before I do that.

Housekeeping, not done. Before I do that. Ash, I do want to mention a very special listener of the podcast. Her name is Donna. She's been with us for a while. We love her support. She's a lifer and a Dota. Hello, Donna.

Dota first, life a second. Wow. She has sent me a gift. That's rare. Dota first. And. Some little onesies here. Good, isn't it?

There you go. What does that one say? That's not going to fit me. That's for the baby. You goos. My mummy does not want your advice. Very good. Daddy thinks he's funny.

Very offensive. That's kind of offensive. But Donna, very kind. She gave us a little care package. Included in that was some G&T, which Laura loves. Wow. To Mentos as well. And she didn't want you to be upset, so she has gotten you a gift.

No. Oh, that's awesome A little bottle open a key ring That is so cool With your name on it, Donna, thank you so much Extremely kind gift, very much appreciated For the viewers at home That's awesome, actually I do need you one of those

Because the other one I had broke Do you know what we need more of? Bottle open Gives from the listeners If anyone has any lingerie used Send it in Used I want the new stuff

I don't want nothing but the new stuff So that's housekeeping. That's housekeeping. Thank you, Donna. I appreciate that. Let's get on to the big question of the day is how is Poppy? And congratulations. Poppy is...

She's good. She's good. She is good. She's good. So here's the full name. Poppy, Pearl, Johnson. So this means that you do not have to go do the gym with April. Yeah, but April has to come to the wave pool with me.

Oh, really? She's forgotten. Really? But I do, I do recall. Dude, brilliant. I just remember just now. Actually, fuck, that reminds me. Okay, before we leave, I have to do the birth certificate forms.

They're upstairs. They gave it to me, they were like, do not lose this. And I'm like, I'm pretty sure they're upstairs in the bedside table. That's awesome. With the insurance. So it's actually, it's not official. It's not official. But we have been calling a poppy.

I think the name will stay. Yeah, okay. Poppy, Pearl, John. I like it. Yeah, I'll keep it. No, Poppy's good. We have had two pretty rough nights. rough nights not sleeping also I think I think I forget what it was like with a newborn like

I'm trying to go back into my photo album back in 2019 back in 2021 and I'm like was it the same as what what it is right now but we've had an amazing couple of weeks we've had the honeymoon period with poppy everyone's everyone's just it's exciting it's great we had a week in Naladala, not worrying about work. I feel like it's starting to, like we're starting to really feel like we're in the trenches now. Okay, like what's changed, do you think? Well, just initially the kids were super excited.

They were pumped. They loved it. Lola, we've got an issue at the moment, and it's the fact that Lola is, she's getting a little bit jealous. Yeah, when last week, sort of you were worried about that? Yeah, because she's very much. I'm orientated and she would wake up, normally go straight to bed with mum.

I stopped that because Laura wants a little sleep in because she's been up all night with a baby. Yeah, okay. And Lola hates me as well most of the time. And she's always like, you're always holding her, aren't you? Laura was like, what do you mean? Is that what Lola said? Lola was like, you're just, he's always in your arms.

Yeah. It's a baby. She's not going to get up and walk away. She's a bit like, she's always just here doing nothing and it's hard as well because when poppy's sleeping you're like oh and shh everyone be quiet around the house oh yeah and she'll try and like pat her face and like if you want to pat her face you got to wash your hands first and she's like fucking hell all these fucking rules and so as well i don't i can't tell if she's actually unwell but lola she keeps saying like

i've got a sore tummy oh the phantom sickness yeah throughout the night and she's like oh my my tummy's really sore, my leg's really sore. My leg? And I'm like, is it? Is it really sore? And she just wants attention. Fair enough. And Laura panders to it.

And I'm like, prove it. Yeah, I'm the same with my kids because like, they don't want to eat dinner. Oscar will be like, I've got a sore tummy. And then Macy will promptly say, yeah, I've got a sore tummy too. Right. And I'm like, bullshit. And at the moment, that's what we're dealing with. So, like, Lola's just up.

And it's just constantly like, I'm in bed with her. her and then she's like hang in a second you suck where's mom and then she comes into our bed and I try and then put it back into her bed and she just she's finding it really hard at the moment because I told you that story that I saw that video of that nonverbal kid like he was obviously on the spectrum nonverbal meeting his little sister for the first time has never said a word holding the baby and at the start at the video you're like oh this is really sweet and he's looking very lovingly and he just goes bitch and hands it back It's where, that's like where we're at right now.

Yeah, because you know, like their, like their brain capacity only sees themselves. Totally. It's all me, me, me, me, me, me, which is, you know, and you try and teach that about life that it's not always just about you. But what's wild? And, like, obviously you look at, um, what's it damn again? Macy. Oh my God.

This friendship is really, getting, becoming really hard. It's shaking the table. This is becoming really hard. You don't save my wife's phone numbers. You don't remember any birthdays. I'm tired. You don't remember anything. And now you've forgotten my fucking child's name.

That's the last straw. So I'm so sorry. You owe me. But I always saw Lola as being the baby, obviously. Which one's Lola again? Very good. Thank you. Very good.

And just instantly, as soon as Poppy arrives, Lola has just shot up. Like she's just grown up. Instantly, it is wild how much I look at Lola is no longer a baby, but as a little girl. Yeah, she was like, oh, even now I think about it, what, a couple of years ago, we went on cruises and stuff together. She was just like, like, her and Macy were just like toddlers. Yeah. Yeah, like Macy's up to my hip now. Now Lola's doing makeup in the morning and some dates got picked up this morning by some boy going to daycare.

What are your intentions with my daughter? Be home before. Have you started to potty train? and poppy yet? Oh, yeah. Okay, good. Just want to make sure we get ahead of that. But it all went pretty well with the birth.

Birth was good. We were induced. It was pre-planned, which was great because you can, like, it's all premeditated. The kids went to my sisters. It was all organized. We had Laura's sister. It was with us in the delivery room. We went at 9.30 to the hospital.

And it's all, would have been nice to have that moment of surprise. Yeah. I thought rather than be induced. But after we got in there, you know, So there's like, it's a slow process to begin with. No one's rushing anyone. And there's a little kitchenette in the hospital. Yeah.

And I would go there and get a cup of coffee. Coffee machine was delicious. Had a few coffees. And every kind of second visit, there'd be another dad in the kitchenette. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How are you guys going? Is your first on?

Yeah. And I spoke to one dad and I was like, as your baby arrived and he said, yeah, yeah, it has. And I was like, how did it all go? And he goes, well. It was our third, and her waters broke at home. And we straight away in the car on the way to hospital. Within 15 minutes of that water breaking, she was given birth in the car. Wow.

Pulled over on the road. Done in the car. And I was like, gosh, that a poor upholstery. I had a maid who his wife's water broke in the living room and he delivered the baby in the living room. I kind of want that. You want, you want that? Like, obviously, as providing that everything goes well,

but that's a good notch on the belt to be like, I'm totally, I think I'd be trying, I wouldn't be able to look at my wife's vagina all the same ever again. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. Like that, as horrible as that sounds.

It'd be worth it. I mean, a little cut and I get squeamish. I mean, you pass out at the drop of a half. Oh, yeah. I'd be like, you'd be no good. It'd be April on her own. So then when I heard that story,

I was like, Well, maybe it is best that I'm in the delivery suite with the help that we actually need. But we had a lovely midwife and she was just like just a bright mix of humor, seriousness. She was very experienced. Any good jokes, Brian, that you're noteworthy? No, she just, we had a playlist and she'd come in and she'd kind of sing along to some of the songs that we had. Yeah. And she just, she just had like a level of calmness that she brought to the room.

We knew we were in safe hands. Experience, yeah. Very experienced. Also, she was British, and I just find British humor very good. It is good, yeah, yeah. It's great, 10 out of 10. And then the issue was, like, Laura had the epidural pretty quickly. Yeah.

So the issue was, we had the epidural, like, straight away. At reception, like I told you to do. Literally, literally, they were like, oh, we wouldn't mind you being an active lab before you get that. And Laura was like, yeah, I'm going to stop you right there. You better fucking jab my spine. Literally. Also, we didn't have insurance. So I was like, to the inesthetist, I was like, so.

Love you. What's your name? He's like, it's Alan? And I was like, Alan, what's this going to cost me? It's not cheap. It is not cheap. It's not. And he was like, look, a few different factors, obviously, like, depending on how long it goes

for and how long I need to be on call. But you're looking at about $1,600 bucks. how long it goes for like how long it takes him to do the job or how long it lasts well if you have a really long labor he kind of needs to be on call for another one just in case like that anything happens with the epidural he needs to be like within arms distance just to that's right april had to have the double and also then if you got he said if you have a C section like an emergency C section that's going to cost more as well and then he was like and if it's after hours it's also more and I was like oh god I'm like, Laura, make sure we don't have this baby, like beyond eight o'clock p.m.

Yeah, double rates. I remember Oscar was 11.30 p.m., right? We had the epidural, then we had the emergency C-section, and it was nighttime. And he pretty much cleaned up 50s. Yeah. Let me wipe you down with his 50.

Yeah. Either side. So I was like, they're like, doctor. I was like, could you do 1,200? You're like, if that's your first, first best offer, what would be his second best offer? He's like, I got a friend. He's a car salesman. I was joking. He didn't laugh. He didn't. I was like, oh. He probably hears it all the time.

I don't think he does. I don't think he's been bartered with in the delivery suite. Can we talk about cushy jobs, though? Like, he's got one job to do. Really? I think if you're going to be in the medical profession, that is the job. Got to be. I think it's like 12 years of study. Yeah, but it's like they're all 12 years, but you don't have to, no one's going to come into your office. coughing up a lung and be like what's wrong with me doc this one you're like hey we need you someone needs pain relief and you're like yep on the bat phone straight in have a pan at all yeah essentially yeah let me defend poor old allen who put a needle in the spine of my wife risking potential yeah is that when you said i'll give you 12 under and he just like moves it

and you hear longer it's like how much never mind so i was keeping tabs on the bill also because we were private they brought in lunch and it was a chicken pie really good chicken pie better than yours yeah no shut out how much did that cost you

they were like do you want two and I was like I'm waiting for the itemized bill with like double food but then when you have an early epidural it then slows down labour yeah right

okay I'm aware So this beautiful midwife that we had, let's call her Chantel. Issue was, she's like, hey guys, she's coming to the room. And she's like, you're still, you're about six centimeters. You're not quite ready. Just to let you guys know, I finish my shift at 6pm. And I was like, oh, okay.

Laura, hurry up. And I was like, we've, we spent so long with this beautiful midwife. We've built this connection. We've got this energy. She's part of the family. And all of a sudden now, she's going to be gone and I've got this new midwife

and she was like I could probably stay till 615 and then I've really got to go I've got a dinner date yeah yeah I've got a life to get to yeah and I was like

you know you mean you're not gonna be with us forever yeah yeah aren't you moving in she's down she's in Ellie's room right now I love the thought

of that she finishes a shift with all the other midwives and they're like go out of the cigarette like they all smoke and they're like how's your day

it was yeah yeah good another couple fell in love with me they're all like fools I'm just doing my job I've seen our midwife from Marley's birth before at the supermarket

and she was like hey and she was like who the fuck are you yeah yeah totally they think they're special they're just another couple well I was like how many birds what's the most amount of births you had in a day

and she was like my record's three I was like far out that's low numbers anything less than five I'm not interested From the car sales. I'm talking. I want five to seven a day.

We had the new midwife come in and, and she was lovely. She was not as good just because we didn't have enough time. To bond. I was, you know, I was like, where are you from? When did you move here? I was like, none of your fucking business. And we'd only known each other for about an hour before she goes, it's now time to start pushing.

Okay. And it was pretty quick. And I think one of the. For you. Oh, there's mum's out there going right now. Sugar. Shut the fuck up, Matt, Jack, Maddie J. From when Loris did her first push, it was, uh, it was about half an hour.

Wow. Half an hour. There he is. That's pretty fast, I will say. Thank you. Like, Jess clip that up and post that online. It's sort of as throw away is what you said. Anyway, we're pretty quick.

So anyway, and it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Half an hour, I don't know, like, what's the quickest labor, do you reckon? Well, 15 minutes, like, the girl. Whoa, there's got to be quick than that. I've done shits that have taken longer than that. Oh, Jesus. Fuck. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, Jess, I'm really sorry. Oh, my goodness. Can we quick Google? The quickest is like three hours, a quick video. Well, then that person's already got the record. I think that guy, I wish out his number. I'm like, mate, get a record. Let's get in there.

It must be fucking. and fast. Yeah. Surely. So then Laura started, woo. So then Laura started pushing. And I think one of the downsides of doing this podcast is the fact that I now know so

much more. Like I know the things that can go wrong, whereas the first two was really a case of ignorance is bliss. And I was just like, oh my God, you know, if anything was to go wrong, it would be fine because I'm in hospital, right? Nothing goes wrong in hospital. Whereas I was really anxious about just. making sure that bub was going to be okay and laura was going to be okay and thankfully of the

three births it was the most straightforward the baby was posterior spine spine so can really do some damage on the way out because it's not the way you should be moving the baby but thankfully all really straightforward no forsoops no suction nothing just all no no suction no it was great and then like like laura at one stage was like is the head out and they're like yeah the head's out. And then the obstetrician, shout out to Bobby. He was like, do you want to, would you like to reach down and you can pull out the baby? And there was a part of me that was like, oh, do I want to watch this? I did. I couldn't. I couldn't. But yeah, Laura then, you know, once the head is out, the rest follows pretty quickly. And Laura then pulled out Poppy and brought her onto a chest. And

it was, yeah, it was amazing. It was pretty cool. Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. I'm happy that it all went smoothly and and bobby our obstetrician was like wow what an umbilical cord that's a beauty that one and bobby i love i love bobby and the last birth because he delivered uh lola not marley but there was one thing that he was like you've got to do it you've got to cut the umbilical cord oh yeah and i was like i don't want it and he's like do it and i was like i knew this time i wasn't going to fight it i was just going to do it and get it done done. So anyway, afterwards, everyone's kind of cleaning up, right? And then Bobby comes to me, he says, would you like these? And I'm like, do I? He's brought me, he let me keep

some momentos from the birth. You don't have any of the bill and good court with you, because I don't want to see that. What's in the brown paper bag? Just so everyone listening, Matt just whipped out a brown paper bag. If there's a fucking umbilical cord in there, I'm leaving this house immediately. So this is just a little something to remind me of the birth of poppy Okay, it's hard It can't be here Open it

Open the brown bag Ew What is this? Oh my God So I've got That clamped the ambilical cord I've got the umbilical clamp Oh man

Imagine putting euphoria in that And then this What's this one? How do you? are you cut with that? I can just see you putting them in your toolbox and using them around the house. Oh, that's where they're going, for sure.

They're pretty young. Oh, man. They just have either hospital or horror film vibes about them. So he was like, they actually don't reuse them because it costs so much to disinfect him. So he's like, you can just keep these if you want because they're going to go in the bin.

Well, you just put him in boiling water, doesn't it disinfect it? It's a fucking hospital, bro. What, what, what, what, what? What do you mean? I would just say chucking me with the rest of steriliser stuff. Oh, okay, no, now that you've said that they haven't been sterilized. Have you washed them? Chuck him with the dishwasher, that'd be fine, and give him back.

Well, where's the cutting bit? I thought he gave me those ones. Maybe he's kept him for his personal collection. There you go. That's very cool, but also. Is it? A bit weird. Did you keep anything from your?

births? Yeah, the child. And the blanket. And the blankets. Would you like one? I would definitely don't want them, no. No, no, I think. We were running a competition or two doting dads?

Do you want the clamps? Just talking about births. I don't know if I told you the story. And it's similar to what you were saying, like, you couldn't look down because it was like, yeah, you just, I couldn't do it. I definitely didn't try. So a friend of mine looked down there and got a bit woozy. And he moved himself to the corner of the room to try and,

recover and instead of recovering he actually fainted up against the wall in the corner of the wall like over there and started to slide down the wall and the only thing that stopped him from hit the deck is his knees locked out anyway he spent the whole birth there woke up and he had a baby wow he tells the story he hits the wall and just like did people think he was just taken five that they know that it was past that at the start they were like oh okay he's just trying to have a moment even thinking about it i feel like i'm going to find anyway and then yeah he just hit the hit the wall and just slid down and like his wife was saying that he he just you just see him slowly sleeping down and then he just stopped moving because he's

and then you look at his legs and they were fully his knees were like locked out which i think's a great story oh it's so good but yes and then after that laura had a few nights in hospital I will just say, fucking hell. It is really hard work. We have a newborn. You're in hospital. You bring your kids into the hospital. They don't know, like, how to treat a child.

They also don't know how to treat a hospital. They were like, seriously. You take them into any medical practice and all of a sudden they're like, oh. They're visiting hours of 4 p.m. And I snuck them in there early. And they're just like walking around, going into other rooms. Marlins, like, this is pretty boring.

mooring, put the TV on. I was like, is that coloring in? What's wrong with that person? That's sort of shit, though. So I did film when the girls met Poppy for the very first time. And the moment Lola held Poppy in her arms, Poppy did a really big shit. Like, could you hear?

Like a gurgler? Yeah, except, yeah. And Lola's like, she farted. She just starts laughing hysterically. But it was really sweet. Mali had like eyes closed. sniffing the forehead. But since then, Lola was a bit more maternal.

Marley's a bit over poppy these days. Already? Yeah. Did you do? What's that first shit they do? Minokum. Yeah, Minowma. No, what's that?

Manuka. Metamusel. That's an M word. Mconium. Mconium. It sounds like that instant coffee. What do you call that one? What's that coffee called?

Macona. Mokona. Quick. We can't you just stirring it in your teacup? Yeah, very, very molasses-esque. That's a fucking great word. Thank you. Melasses.

Anyway, well, congratulations. Thank you. Matt, last week we spoke about the cat parents that were walking their cats. Who we love. We love. Shout out to the parents out there. You're all alone there, my guy. Old pets who, in it trolleys or, was it back of a baby,

It was a baby Bjorn. That's right. Front mount. That's right. Your exact words, front mount. A front mounted cat. So dumb.

Goodness me. It's come to my attention that my sister said to me, oh, we're going to be over in your area next week. I was like, oh great. Northern beaches. Yeah.

God's country. I was like, great. Well, four. And she was like, oh, we're a house sitting. A place at Monabelle. Beautiful. On the beach.

Lovely. Yeah. Which is great for them. A little getaway. And we had early dinner with them at a pub near there that has a great playground for the kids. And I was like, What are you doing house sitting?

What are your house sitting for? Like you can leave a house unattended. You know that. Plants maybe? Nope. Oh, okay. They were pet sitting. Fair.

Yeah. You know, we got raspberry here sometimes. We head out to Allah, Dala. We don't take raspberry with us. There's a fly in the room. Or is it a, your pet fly? Don't kill it. Which I know you'll struggle with.

I said, okay, you're pet sitting, what? Cat, dog. Nope. No. Lizard. Wow. Yeah. Why?

More is the correct answer to that. Did she mention what type of lizard it is? I think it was like some sort of bearded dragon-ish style. That's cool. Yeah, but like what you don't need, you do not need someone to pet sit your lizard child. Depends on how often the dragon needs to do dragon. The lizard needs to be fed. Well, surely that if they're in the wild, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not.

don't have a routine. They're not snacking every day. Yeah, they're not like, okay, well, it's feeding time. It's more like whatever I get that day. It's not, there's no consistent. So did you just have to feed it? Apparently. Yeah, dude, I'm in on that.

I'm not. I'm not in on. I don't get it. But like, your question, like, what do you get out of a lizard? I don't know. Can you eat it? I have no idea. Do you pat the lizard?

You snuggle up against it? Is it a bit of a lat lizard? Yeah. My biggest fear is having a snake And then like waking up one day And seeing that like the glass box is empty And the snake is gone somewhere Dude there was a story kicking around ages ago

I'm not sure if it just comes up You know one of those stories It comes up every couple years And it's like this just happened It's like no it didn't Someone had a pet snake and it They woke up to it And stretched out like sizing them up

Yeah see That's the reaction that everyone gives So it sizes you up first And then what it does, it must, like, do some sort of snake exercises, like some crunches to get ready. Yeah, it's like warming up. Stretching up. It's literally doing like a downward dog.

It's like doing downward dog, like trying to stretch itself out. What are you stretching for? I don't know. He's going for a walk later. I'm just really into my mobility at the moment. Stupid, untrustworthy snake. I was like, why would you want to live... Why would you want to have a pet that could kill you?

Like, people who have pet spiders. It's a bit like Mike Tyson having a tiger, though. The tiger's different. Still could be cuddly, sedated. Yeah, I guess. Like, a little baby one. Little baby tiger. Yeah, and then it wouldn't eat you because it knew that

saw you as a parent. Yeah, until maybe it was gaslighting you its whole life. Like the snake. And it's all on the downward dog. Yeah, just like a downward cat. But anyway, I just thought that's it. To the fact where you have to, ask people a favor to

house sit your house over a lizard is ridiculous. I agree. I think just give it some food. They're only going for a couple of days. Like, what's going to happen? Anyway, moving on. We should move on to a segment called Lies. Yes.

Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lie. Do me, tell me lie. Ash. Yes. I have a fantastic parenting lie. Layed on me. this one is from Casey

and this is similar to a lie that we previously told on the podcast where my mum would she had a hack, a trick with the PlayStation. Oh yeah, that's right. It's cool holidays. This is very similar to this one,

but a modern day twist, if you will. Love it. So Casey says, my five-year-old stepson is obsessed with wanting an iPad. Aren't they all? Aren't they all, Casey? You're not alone out there.

Just know that. Okay. Very somber of you. Little does he know we actually have one. Oh, the deception. On a recent interstate trip, we let him use it on the plane while we were away. We told him that we hired it from the airport and even set the backdrop with a picture of a plane and the airline on it.

He completely believes the lie and is telling everyone about the fact that it's a rented iPad only. Oh, I love that they went so far to put the airline that they're on, on the back of it. That is fucking class. That is class. Matt, this is also from a Casey. Not sure if it's the same one. Never enough Casey's out there. If it is, you liar.

It reads, Hey boys, the biggest lie I have told my daughter is that from a really young age I made out that cleaning her teeth was a privilege. And if she was naughty, she wasn't allowed to do it.

Work like a charm. That is so disheartedly. seatful and I love it. Oh, it makes me happy when people light her. That's like, because like Macy. That's a name, right? That is her name, yeah.

Thank God. She loves toothpaste, doesn't she? Yeah, she was on the Eclipse mints for a while. She's backed off a bit now. But the tooth... Did she have a strawberry or mint flavor toothpaste? Oh, full mint. Does she?

And she's chewing on the end of that toothbrush too. Dude, there you go. That's a treat for her. Yeah, but the problem is she's not even brushing. She's just licking it off and eating it. Oh, that's so weird. Literally, like, Lola's the same strawberry-flavored toothpaste, and she's just like,

oh, yeah. Top it up. Yeah, oh, like, oh, God, they just love, like, Panadol and stuff too. It annoys me so much that I've left it too late to implement these lies with Mali and Lola, but now I've got a second chance. A third chance, if you will.

It's why I had a third child. So you can start liking them early on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Matt, let's finish this episode off with some pair rants. Yeah, let's squeeze it in that. I am. We haven't done it in a couple of weeks. I am struggling with the voice.

I'm giving it my all. To those of you who miss the old Matt, he's gone. He's no longer with us. Will he come back? We're not sure. We're not sure. This one, oh, I want to be freer to say what I feel. Man, I feel like a parent.

Hey! This one's from Ebony. people who park so close to you that you have to get yourself and the toddler in from the passenger side and to upper seat from the front this triggers me so glad I didn't have both toddlers with me but also how did you get out of the car because I can't get into mine hey and at our old age any type of awkward movement I spasm up real bad oh yeah where were we I was at the pizza and puzzle night for Father's Day right Like, pizza and puzzle night comes back on this podcast every two or three weeks.

It's just, it's the trauma of pizza and puzzle night. I fucking can't stand it. You love it. I can't stand it. Because the amount of pizza I want to eat is unacceptable for the public eye. Okay, so I've got to pretend like, oh, that was one, two pieces of pizza. I'm full. And then I've got to pretend to like the song and dance of it all.

And then there's a dad that I don't know. It's just like, so what's your name? Go away. Anyway, I love people I pulled into the car park We did the pizza and puzzle night Came back, it was dark Because it was pizza and puzzle night

It was just me and Macy And that happened Someone else in the pizza and puzzle night Then I try And of course, I tried to get out of there As soon as possible So I wanted to be the first one out of there So the options were

Wait for this person to come Because I could not get Macy in Or would have had to go right round And do the whole, yeah, anyway I was like the options are wait and this whole leaving as soon as I can becomes irrelevant and I've made a joke of myself or I open the boot let Macy climb through

and then I climb through on the other side and then it's a fun game I had to climb through the passenger bit and I'm not very nimble I will admit my hips do lie and I was like really like ass on the windscreen trying to get around that way it was a shemozle cramped up three or four times so I'm with you hand on the horn hand yeah hand ass and by the time I got us in the guy got in the car next to me and took off

I was like I look like a dickhead now so I'm with you on that one well I've actually got another parking rant car park etiquette needs to be addressed in every situation I feel okay This one is from Tianan. Will I make it through this rant? I'm not sure. But she says, my two-year-old, a newborn baby. Wait.

Sorry. And or is a newborn baby? Sorry. Let me start again. She has a two-year-old and a newborn baby. Gosh, it's tough. I gathered. It's...

Oh, God. You didn't really need to explain that one to me. I was put... That took a lot. long time for me to figure that one out. Jesus, that's concerning. I think she's the mother. She's the older sister. So she ordered direct to boot for her groceries at Woolworths. Oh yeah, yeah. Do you do that? No, we just get it to leave it. I feel like I need to start doing that. So she gets there and all the parks are taken, which is fine. But then she realizes that in capitals,

nobody is in any of the vehicles. They all parked. And then inside the actual store. So, in fact, there was no boot to, to, there was no, what does I call it? Director Boot. There was no director boot. There was not. It was an old parking director to boot. Get out and go directly into the shops. Yeah.

That is. A bunch of absolute assholes. Against. To pour Tiane with a newborn and a two-year-old, fucking shame on you. I know. I feel so bad even parking in the parents thing and I have a child with me. I will make it a point to over-exaggerate that I have a child. You're like I'll put on a limp as well.

Yeah, I come around to let them out. I'm like, there she is. Come on. And then come a posse. Do you have a pram? No. Is that not okay? Hold on a second.

Hang on. I can fake it. In the parenting car parks. Okay. Yeah, but it's just a symbol. Fuck. I'm not going to get in trouble here. Damn it.

Here's a question. Okay. Yeah. Are you allowed? to park in those parenting car parks without a physical pram or is a pram just to signify that you are a parent no i think why wouldn't have a symbol of a person with a small person because there are little people out there and it could be confusing you're right you don't want what if i have a friend who is a little person am i let up there i've not been using those carparks

because i don't use a pram anymore i think it's just an international sign for parent are you sure yeah are you sure i don't know because you're acting like a guilty man i'm pretty guilty of this I think I don't know. Look, I'm confused. Because I'm now, I'm happy about having a newborn because I'm allowed to park in the car parks. I'm still doing it. It's a parent park. Legally, let's look it up.

Legally, there is nothing to prevent a person without a pram or infant parking in a pram spot. It's just frowned upon. Well, yeah. Yeah, but I still have the child. So I have 50% of the requirements. Oh, yeah. Fair, fair. I would say the child's more like 75% of the requirement.

They're in a car seat. They're in a car seat. And that makes us 100%. Okay. I'd love to know what the listeners think. If we can actually... Tiane right now is seething. I know.

I'm so sorry. You're all part of the problem. Yeah. I was going to say, I was going to say, I was going to pick up my groceries, but... Ash, I don't know if I can get the last closure of this episode out there. Do you mind doing the honours? Okay. I'm going to play both characters.

Yeah. Okay. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review five stars, perhaps. Or you can join us on some. social media, where, Matt? Well, you can join it. No, that's not Jerry Seinfeld. You can join us on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook, and also YouTube at Tudating Dads.

I will say in the Facebook group a lot of very important information with people asking about products like trampolines, scooters, car mirrors for baby seats. Lauderee. All the parenting essentials. Oh, my God, I can't talk. Okay. We'll see you guys next week. See you.

Bye. Bye. There's a couple of things you need to do right now. Yeah. Cool. After this, is check this story first. Yeah. Birth certificate.

Yeah. And then also just triple check your insurance. And also order lingerie. Water laundret, yeah. Go to Lace and Lash. For Ellie. Yeah. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia

and the connections to land, sea, and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.