Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #180 Beware of my devilish charm

Episode Date: October 28, 2025

What's the most you've ever paid when it comes to your child's sporting activities?  Matty J is left speechless after getting a glimpse of Marlie's ballet recital tickets. Can you top this?!  Ash had the privilege of using a line every parent dreams of using after little Macy did something unspeakable.  And Ash has a new sleep hack for the kids that you should definitely use next time your kids are refusing to sleep.  Making a return for this week's episode is your Parenting Lies and Pa-Rants! We've got some good ones.  We also answer your parenting questions:  How do I convince my toddler to rest after experiencing a major fall!?  BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Okay. I'm ready now. I is ready. What I was saying before I was rudely interrupted is I think, don't interrupt me again. I wasn't. I think me personally thinks. Ash Wicks? Ash Wicks. Which middleman? Really? Are you serious? Fuck, kidding. Relax. You're in a grumpy mood. Wow. Okay. So you're thinking. I think the school day is too short. 100%. By the time I'm getting shit done, it's like I got to go and pick this kid up. Yeah. I feel like the school's not sharing a load with me. Yeah, I think just meet us in the middle, four o'clock. Four o'clock.

You don't happen with that? Seven to five. Welcome. Two Doting Dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It's not much of it. The bad. And the relatable. Heaps of that one. There's a lot of bad and relatable stuff. If you come for advice, it's not going to happen. I think it's probably the hardest transition beyond having kids and transitioning into parenthood. transitioning from a five o'clock pickup. I don't know

when people normally pick up their kids. I remember driving past daycare if I was still running errands. see people picking up their kids around like two or three o'clock. They're going on holidays. No, they're not. There were some parents consistently picking up their kids around that time. That's Frank. What's his deal? What's the point in paying the money?

Why order a meal and only eat half? I got a friend who's a fiery, right? And you know how they work quite odd shifts. Sometimes he'll finish 7 a.m., right? Finish his shift. Yeah. And he'll pick his kid up at midday. Because he's like, I want to spend some time with him.

Actually, that's kind of nice. We shouldn't be poo-pooing this, maybe. No, we're not poop-pooing it. I guess it's just people are doing things differently to how I operate. Yeah, and I don't like it. I admire that. There have been a few occasions where I've been away, and I thought, you know what?

I've come back home. It's 1 o'clock. I miss the kids. I'm going to get pick him up. I can miss him for a few more hours. Ash, we are going to jump right into the depths of House. keeping. Yes. So first things first, our friend Hugo. Yes. He had major surgery. If you don't remember Hugo, we did a guest episode who was diagnosed with testicular cancer first, fully recovered,

and then he was diagnosed with bowel cancer. So he had major surgery last week. He is in hospital still. He is recovering. We have spoken to him. And we did a little story post to say, I wish him well. And there was a really great reaction from our listeners. So I want to say thank you very much to everyone who has message Hugo commented on his page. Hugo has said it makes a huge difference to him. So he absolutely loves it. If you haven't you can go to his page,

which is... Hugo underscore 2V. T-W-E-Y. And it's great to see him doing so well. I think he's going to be out of hospital end of the week. Fingers crossed, yeah. He had something to eat yesterday.

Bangers a mash. He had, no, he had mash and peas and gravy. Yeah, I was like... You go back saying, that's the dream. It's like, it doesn't look the best. It was great. So, Hugo, we're thinking of you, dude. Ash.

Yes. Ash. I'm just a little bit rattled today. Oh, okay. A little bit rattled. Talk to me. Has Oscar done anything at school where he has to dress up as what he wants to be when he's older? Has you had that yet?

No, only book where you dress up as me. So that's, yeah, okay. Yeah, that's just, that's just added a bit of salt to the wound. Oh, okay. So today is, I think they call it like news time. It's not important. We have news days every week. At school?

Yeah, but it's like just like show and tell. But the theme of today, they've been working on it for a little while, is that you come dressed, come to school, dressed as what you want to be when you grow up. Are you a hero? Am I making this worse? I'm so sorry if I am. And so I was like, Marley, what do you want to be?

You could be anything. I don't think she really knows what I do. And have you asked her? Yeah, I've kind of, well, I've, you know... What do you do? Lots. I don't know. I've just...

I'll do whatever it takes. That's the attitude I want to hear. So Marley decided that she was going to dress up as her mother. Which, you kind of do the same thing. I know. In a way. Yeah, and I was like, cheers, bro. But Marley does really love the fact that Laura is a jewelry makeup.

Oh, yeah, that's pretty cool. would go to her too over you. I can't compete with that. No, you can't. Can't compete with that. You can't. You could. You just tell you. What do I? I could lie. I could lie to them all the time. We should have lied to them all the time. Extend a lie. And she, look, Laura gave her a bit of a backstory. I went to university. I studied fine arts.

It was an artist, was a painter. Are you just going to say? I studied finance. So Laura has written out Marley's speech That she's going to present to the class Which is essentially the back history of Laura Has the reading going Oh very good So she's written her speech

Yeah she's sensational Wow very good Sensational and she's been practicing the speech And just with every practice She's dressed up as Laura Dropping in Tony Mage Rory And I just you know fuck What am I just chop liver

Your time will come You've got two others to convince. Well, Marley is the one that I'm always the favorite. If ever there was one to prefer a single pairing, it was Molly preferring me. And yet she's dished me when it matters most. Well, she might think that because you're a boy, that she can't, like, I can't pretend to be dad because I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I'm a girl. I just don't think she really cares about what I do for work.

Yeah, she doesn't respect you. No, no, there's no, no respect. I feel that because, yeah. No respect. So anyway, just letting you know, letting you know. Well, I hope that one of the other ones. Poppy has no choice. So you could start with that one right away.

I'm trying to work on Poppy. Okay. No, I just, I don't, I talked about it before. I don't even think she, like, can see. Yeah. And she's, and I'm very impatient. I'm like, Poppy, it's me. I'm your father.

What do you expect her to say back? She's just like, I held her. And she was like, Dad, not. No, I'm just. Jesus. I don't know when they can see. Do you know? I think it's around the three months.

mark. Let me check. Like her eyes are open, so... Yeah, but babies can see from birth, but the vision is blurry and limited to high contrast objects in black and white and shades of grey. Oh, the vision develops rapidly over the first few months. About six to eight months, they can see the world almost as well as an adult. Wow. It's a long time.

It's nice to say that we've learned something today. We have learned something. We have all learned something. So also, like, I don't have to really hold it in until she's six months old. You're free. I'm off the hook. You're free. I always say, like, in the first six months, you could be any blob.

Because there's not really a lot that you can do for, you can do more for the mum than you can do for her, if that makes sense. I'm going to put you on the spot here. Oh, fuck. And I don't think you're going to remember. Oh, fuck. But would you ever talk to your newborn child? Do you talk to it?

Would you say anything to it? I don't talk to them now. Yeah, um, yeah, shut up, comes to mind. I'm torn between having, conversations with Poppy or just the one, two, three, sometimes a fourth word and keeping it pretty short, hunchy, succinct. I think talk to her. Normal.

Yeah. You reckon? Yeah. Let me talk to you about my diversified portfolio. Something like that. That's what I would say. See, I was talking to it and then I noticed, her, Poppy, yeah, sorry. And then I noticed that Laura is just going to like, Poppy, hi, Poppy.

How is she going to diversify her portfolio with just one word? What's more effective? What's going to build the strongest relationship? I think we should ask a parenting expert that. Okay. Jess, write that down. We'll leave that in a pile to marinate for future reference. We've got a big pile of stuff over there. Jess has not written down.

Just like, oh, parenting hack for you real quick from the Facebook group. I don't know if it's a hack, but I don't know if it's a hack, but I quite liked it. We did talk about how Lola's stomach kept being sore and you essentially... That's coming back, by the way. Oh, the immunisation didn't work. Well, people wondering,

Lola has these phantom illnesses exactly when it comes to bedtime. As soon as she, like, head hits the pillow, she's like, oh, southern hurting again. Yeah, okay. And I'm like, fine. You should convince her that she needs to sleep standing up. Because she's laying down, then she gets hurt.

It's like, no, stand up then. See what happens. Potentially the dumbest. thing you've ever said. No, I just, just see what she does. Not the dumbest, but one-off. It could be fun. For you?

I am looking for ways to speed ramp the bed going process. Put it to bed earlier. Stand to the corner. Go to sleep. Anyway, hack about similar to the immunization. Yes. Okay, and this comes from, who's it come from? Jenna.

Okay, I'm going to read to you. If that's okay. Please. I'll get through it. parent hack she says just took my son for his four year vaccinations April write down we need to do that when Macy turns four which is in a month's time less than

didn't want to tell him because I knew he'd lose it the nurse told me to hug him or have him face me she came in from behind and put it in his leg and she told him there was a bug on his leg and she pinched him in the process of getting it off I like that.

It was the easiest vaccination we've ever done. I like that a lot. I know. And also it's a great front hole. Like that position when they're like chest and chest, you can lock them. They're locked in. Lynch.

It reminds me of a time that I, because I don't like needles. Like who does? Freaks. I think you're going to say that reminds me of time with April. No. Sorry. This is not appropriate.

I'll tell you later. No, it reminds me at the time I went to get malaria shot because I was going to Indonesia. a long time ago. I've always hated needles. Even I'm covering in tattoos. Those needles don't bother me. It's the needles. The big fuckers. Just, ugh, even thinking about it. And I said to her, hey, just so you know, I don't like needles. And she was like, that's okay. No worries. And then she was like, she diverted my attention so rapidly and so quickly after I said that, that by the time I'd come back to it be like, yeah, so I don't like needles. It was done. How did she divert? I can't I don't remember what she said, but she was like...

Look, what's that over there? Yeah, pretty much, that's how it went. But I was like, or it was kind of like, she... She treated you like a child. Yeah, she was like, she got, she was, like someone, just like someone walked past. She's like, oh, look a butterfly. Yeah, yeah, literally.

You know, when you're in a conversation with someone, someone walks past and their eyes go, like that? She was like, what's that? And I was like, what was that? Stung, literally that quick. Wow. So, yeah, they got tricks. On the sleeve was already up?

Yeah, yeah. She was like... So she prepped you. She prepped me with the alcoholic white. I remember it was this side and she was there. How old was she? Because that's experience. Oh, she would have been in her 40s.

Yeah, she's been around in a good way. Okay, good. Just clearing that up. Anyway, so good hack. I think that's good good gear. I do have to say last weekend, you called my wife and accused her of stealing my water bottle. You forced me into calling your wife. like that at all. I know she didn't. She did not like that at all. Oh my gosh. She

had a stressful day and she came home and she was like, why was Ash calling me? And I was like, I don't know. What happened? Well, let me get the text message chain out that we had. Oh, did you? Oh my God. I can't remember what she said. I could be nothing. Just a little heads up to anyone who, I don't know, has a kid recently and their wife is in the stage of postpartum. Don't play tricks on them. She said at 20 past five when I called her at like 11 a.m. Oh, God. Hey, hon.

Sorry, I missed your call. Everything okay. I said, yeah, Matt made me call you. Check your voicemails. She said, I don't have his drink bottle. It was next to his bed. You idiot. You really, yeah, look, don't outsource your problems.

That's what I have to say about that. One last thing before we wrap up, housekeeping. Yeah. Are you guys celebrating Halloween? Yes. No. Yes. I don't know.

Well, I don't, uh, yeah. What the fuck is going on? Okay, well, I'll tell you, what's going on. What's the, give me the backstory. I'll tell you what's going on. Well, I never celebrated Halloween as a child, just like Christmas. All right? What did you guys celebrate?

Birthdays. Yeah, birthdays, it's probably bad. That was it. But I remember my mom, if someone from my school came dressed up, she would berate them. What for? Just knock on her door. But because she didn't.

She just, she just thinks some stupid American holiday. I don't want to offend any type of religion. But what is she Christian? Who? Your mom? No. She's just a realist. She's like, she's like, get it.

What religion are you? I'm a realist. Yeah, she's agnostic or whatever. I don't know. Whatever. What does that mean? I don't know. It means that you just, you don't believe, but if people want to believe and whatever

they want to believe in, fine. Is there an atheist? Anyway, I don't know. I could have got that wrong. But I remember she used to yell at the kids that would come to my door and there were people that I went to school with and then I'd go to school the next day and it'd be fucking, you're my, man, man. Anyway, so I've never had done it. Your mom, that was your mom. She was the crazy

lady yelling at people. Yeah, yep. I've heard about her. Yeah, so, but April's... That was almost a real laugh. Mine? Yeah. It was nearly. It was close. For, for reference. See? That was fake. That was fake. Anyway. You motherfucker. To answer your question, sorry. We do, yes. Yes, yes, yes, because April's into it. That was, that was it. Good answer.

Thank you. So, will you go trick-or-treating? I won't be, but they will be. Why don't you go? I think I'm away that day. I am. I am, I am that day. Is it the 31st?

31st of this month. Strategically, I'm away. And very good. I did a little test run on the weekend just gone, and we have some makeup, some witch makeup in the pantry. You get real into it. well, I wouldn't say real into it. I think if we've looked back at last year, you were into it.

I dress up with the kids. Like, it's either you're into it or you're not. Like, you're dressing up. You can't like, if you're dressed up, I don't decorate the house. If you're decorating the house, you are really into it. Yeah. I don't go that far. Two doors down.

Two doors down. Two doors down. Runder in the middle. I know. Good thing about Runders is doesn't need to dress up. Oh my God. Oh my God. She's hideous.

I'm so sorry. I was so sorry. Yeah. And so she does have quite clory feet. Yeah. And one time we saw her and Lola was like, what are those? What are those? You know, I was just like, oh, fuck, I don't know.

I was like, come on, Lola. She's like, no, wait, hang on a second. She doesn't have the mobility to get down and cut the finger out all the time out. Explain what's going on down there? What are those things? Never seen those before? That looks strange. It's just like, zero filters.

Oh, my fucking God. Oh, that's good gear. But so I did the little test run, Lola, obsessed with being a witch. She's pumped. And all week she's been like, I want to try it. I'm going to say this is out of housekeeping now. We're just, whoa. We've crossed over.

I like it. Time limits up. I like it. Carry on. We're like 10 minutes, 15 minutes in. Carry on. Sorry. So Lola was like, can I put the dress on the witch costume?

Can I put the face pain on? it was a Sunday and I was like let's just do it screw it we're on so paint a face took a photo cute photo test run of the witch outfit posted it and someone and again I don't want to I'm not here to offend anyone I'm not here to attack a religion someone has messaged and said don't worship the devil worship God okay about Halloween well because she's dressed as a witch witch. And I was like, look, she's dressed as a witch. I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that dressing up as a witch is worshipping the devil. Yeah. Yeah, well, what they do is like the devil's craft, isn't it?

Is it the devil's? Okay, fuck. Now you've got me. I made that up. Okay. It makes a lot of sense. It does, right? But I just think it's not that deep. Okay. It's not like we're going out there sacrificing young animals. I don't have like, aren't we? No. I don't have like a lamb that's being chopped up in the backyard. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, oh. Lamb chops will be delicious right now. Yeah, I guess we'll go away home. But like, let just let people, I think, let people enjoy Halloween.

I think at that age, they just want to dress up. Just want to dress up. But not every, that's the thing, like, with Halloween, not every person that dresses up is something evil. I think, like, if you look at, watch kids and stuff like that, some of them just want to be their favorite character in something. Yeah, I was, I was Thor last year. You were Thor last year.

Yeah, like, is that the town? I was devilishly good looking. Oh, there he is. Thank you. Oh, look, it's a bit of a straight. I think, like, yeah, it's not that deep. It might be to some people, but not for us. Come on, man.

We're just here for a good time. Keep your opinions to yourself. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Not about it. Hey, I don't know if you recall, Matthew. I did a job for Kowahua.

Walla and Bluey. Yeah. Which they brought out a collab, which is a, it's a sofa bed that turns into a cubby. Love that. And my kids are always building cubbies or want me to build cubbies. And quite frankly, you're a cubby family. I'm not interested in doing it because then I've got to pack it up. So I'm like, no.

But this, easy, right? So let me just explain it to you, right? It is just like two cross beams and then two thickish blankets over like a tent. Very simple. More like a teepee. It is more like a teepee. Well, that's an astute observation. Thank you very much.

I watched your video. I didn't like it and comment, but I watched it. I gave you a view. Re-share, like, comment. Send it to your friends. Sure. Everyone, you know. Anyway, that's not the point.

The point is, off the back of that, how do I phrase this story? How do I start and how do I finish? Very good question. I'll show you the evidence first. Yeah. And then I'll let you try and decide what happened. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't know what I'm watching.

No, I'm not. I'm not watching it. I'm going to show you something. You know, I give it. What are you? I'm going to show you first. And then I'll explain it. Okay, so I'm not going to, I'm just going to watch it first. Gone in Raw. I've just placed in front of you, Matthew, some small squares of fabric.

Yeah. It's hard to tell if these have been torn. They look cut. Oh, can I, Detective Matt? Can I put my police hat on for a second? If I may. You may. I would say based on the threads.

here they have been cut not torn these look like they've been done with scissors and i would say looks like the work of a young macy you nailed that so there's two things that came out of this there's the now the useless cubby i've got because she all right here we go macy got hold of scissors somehow they love scissors by the way i know Oh, and they're small kids' scissors. And you're going to cut your fingers off. I know. And I was like, I walked in on her cutting up the new TP.

Fuck. Of this thing I've just got for them. You've just installed it. Just installed it. She's cutting it up. And I was like, the fuck are you doing? And she's cut that from the bit that hooks onto it. hooks onto it so it's ruined yeah and she knew can you return it and say it's faulty

the child please anyway so that's come out of it but something else came out of it that makes that i felt really good i got to use a iconic line that every parent wants to use go to your room no okay i'm not angry i'm just disappointed Oh, I left. Did she cry? Oh, yeah. But it was a different cry. It was my dad's disappointed in me cry because I didn't.

Usually, I'm quite erratic. If I'm being honest. If I'm honest, I'm like, oh, just whack. Hit it between the eyes with a quick. And with Macy. That's like figuratively speaking, not actually hitting the children. Yeah, yeah, with a word. But she's very easily.

startled. So when I, and she doodles. So what she would do is I'd be like, come on, get the shower. And she'd do, be like, get a shower. She falls over. It's funny. In that moment, I thought, this is my opportunity. This is, this is what we dream of. Yeah. To be disappointed instead of angry. And I was. And it felt good. How long did the crying last for? And then did you give her a cuddle afterwards or did you let her cry it out? So I went in, at first, when I sprung her, immediate tears. You caught her in the act. I caught her in the act. Oh my God. But originally I only found one of them. But she'd hidden the other ones.

Oh, like with the other body parts. With the body parts of all Lego. She hordes legs and limbs from Barbies that have been, like, ripped apart. She's like that kid from Toy Story. Skid? Is that his name? Sik. Sid.

So close. Probably had Skid D's. Yeah, just not down the Lego, actually. I found a tower of Lego heads. So she's stuck them all together. She's getting creative. Jesus Christ. Human centipede.

Oh! Yeah. Yes. So at first, I've caught her. She's cried. She's covered a face and cried in the blanket that she was. What's Oscar doing? Oscar was... The eldest child. Was he in the room? No. But you know what they're like. They're nosy. They want to know. And I knew... And he loves not being in trouble. Yeah. They love that. But I had my back to the door, but I knew he would be there. I knew. He was involved. So, no, no, no. He just wanted to find. watch the person getting in trouble, as kids do.

Anyway, I am there like this, and I'm telling you to Mason, like, what are you doing? Go away! Without even looking. I knew who was there. Your parenting senses were. What? That was erratic. That was me being like, what are you doing?

Go away. April's like, huh? April was at home. Yes. So, can I ask you another question? Mm-hmm. Does it reflect poorly on you at all? Like, does April come home, inspects the damage under your supervision?

Because, you know, she's saying, we've got a brand new TP. This has taken place in the living room. Where were you, Ash? It's actually in the spare room. Okay. Very good. And I was doing things around the house. You're cleaning.

I was cleaning, actually. So now you are escaping. Also, didn't know she had the scissors. So who's given to the scissors? if I haven't. Oscar? No. April! She? April?

I don't know. I don't know. I haven't got to the bottom of that yet. Maybe I need to take you over because you figure that out. This is like better than true crime. Are we a true crime podcast now? This is a true crime podcast. Welcome back to True Crime with two dads. Anyway, yeah.

So the initial cry and I said, hey, I was like, go to your room. Well, I fucking gather my thoughts. We'll be here a while. She went to a while. her room she was crying then i didn't me to laugh you like that that's okay you're allowed to laugh me that's fine i almost welcome it and i let her cry out for a little bit before i went in there and i had gathered my thoughts calmly which is not like me not at all and i walked in there and i was like what what were you hoping to gain from that yeah well how did she answer well you know macy

she's just a girl a few words yeah macy yeah yeah yeah and she was like like why like i just wanted to know why you did this and then I'm getting nothing out of her and she's getting a little bit more upset and I was like all right calm down I'm not angry I'm disappointed there it is and the bottom lip quivers it's quivering and I'm like don't cave that she's so cute because she knows what she's doing she knows she's got me wrapped around a thing but I turned around and I walked out of the room good on you thank you well done and then Oscar I've gone to clean up the mess, and again, I'm cleaning up the mess, and I sensed. He was there.

Get out! And then I found him in the bedroom, like in my bedroom doing something else. Is he ever like, don't be mean to my sister? No. My kids are always like... He's doubling down, if anything. I just said to him, hey, you don't need to be so nosy. You would hate it if I'm having a crack at you, and Macy was sitting there giggling.

Fair. Yeah. so this is a band from my house moving forward and so are permanent markers but that's a story for another time yeah don't get me started on sharpies what is it about kids at what age do you think they start to like appreciate their own belongings because marley i have i gave her a really nice diary she's into writing at the moment gave her a nice diary it was a hello kitty one fluffy on the outside beautiful book and went into a room on a sunday is kind of like Big clean-up afternoon on a Sunday,

getting the room ready for a Monday, Monday morning. It's like a reset. Like a reset, thank you. Yeah. And then I found her book and she'd ripped out the cover. And I was like, what do you do? Like, why? What for?

Was she not sabotaged? Was it someone else who's jealous of his diary? Bobby. My name was like, I don't know why I did that. And I was like, what the, what the, what do they do that? What is going on? Like you, I do have a memory. Go on.

Um, my dad had these, he used to work in Papua New Guinea and he had these really nice machete. Oh, the knives, you told me this, yeah. And I remember I was like, went down. I kind of like, I love Rambo. I took this big machete and I was cutting some of the, like, trees and like the Rambo style. We backed onto a creek.

So I was like cutting the trees and the vegetation. And then I hit the vegetation. I hit a rock and it sparked. And I was like, ooh, that's pretty cool. So I just started sparking the rock until the, this thing was just jagged like anything else. And I was like, well, I better put that back in the cupboard. Like I never touched it.

And then like a month later, I went down. I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck is that is? I was like, you had a lot of siblings you could easily blame. When do kids, when are they going to start appreciating belonging? Well, that's what I said. They're like, they always ask if I'm bringing home something from work. Because I, you know, I do the toy thing.

we'd be, you know, they want to know every time. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to bring your shit if you're just going to fucking ruin it. Like, the day after I posted that video, she's in there cutting it up. Maybe she's got the video right there. Thank goodness. She doesn't respect my work at all. I am going to tell you a really quick story.

I don't think Marley's teacher, her dance teacher, listens to the podcast. If she does, I am so sorry. You better start looking up new dance schools. You'd be banned from a dance school in the eastern suburbs area. I'm just going to get it off a chest. Do it, get it. So she does a dance class. She likes it.

It's on a Thursday afternoon. The teacher or Mali? Well, the teacher obviously. Okay. It's not needed. I got it. Carry on. And they do an end of year concert.

Right? Which is great. Like in a Stedford? Yeah, I would say on par with an Steadford. Now, I am happy to just. do like a, you know, you visit the dance studio, you sit there in the corner of the room and you watch their little performance. I'm happy. That's more than enough. With that level of showmanship. That is more than enough. You ask me. They're six. But what they've done now is

Marley has her age group, her class. There's obviously older kids, there's younger kids. All the kids together have their own routines, depending what class you're in. They do a big show at a theater. Oh, that's got to be expensive. Right, bro. Yeah. Not only am I paying money on top of the dance classes for costumes, I've now got to get tickets.

And because I'm the admin guy, I get, I'm subscribed to the email. So it's like, tickets go on sale in a week. Tickets go on sale in three days. Tickets on sale tomorrow. Of course, I fucking missed the last email and tickets have gone on sale. And so one of the parents, you're not allowed, when the kids do their classes, you have to wait outside. You can drop the kids off,

but then you can't be in the studio for the classes. So we wait outside, the parents are chatting as a waiting for our kids to finish to come out of the classroom. And one of the parents goes, did you get your tickets? And I go, what? They go, yeah,

they're on sale for a couple of days now. And I was like, fuck, what? That night I go home, guess what's left? The only tickets that are now available are booths. $200 bucks for a booth.

I don't know if it's. the, like, booth or it's like an individual ticket. I don't know that information. You didn't get that far. 200 would have been enough to scare me off. But like for a seat, you're paying 50 bucks. This isn't a Broadway show. Well, like, yeah, is it?

I mean, I was like, do I get bottle service? Am I getting a magnum of champagne? What sort of dance are they doing? Sounds like a strip club. Jesus. I know. It was like. Not that I've ever been to a true pro, April.

Yeah. Good recovery. Anyway, one time I already did now. And also when you buy your tickets, it has a pop-up and it's like, no refunds, no exchanges. Oh, quick to do that, aren't I? I was like, no money from me then. And Marley's not even that keen on the performance anymore. So I ended up buying three tickets, not the booth, second tier, second release came out.

Oh, they had a second release for the festival. Second tier up top. Who's headlining? I know. Fucking Teddy swims. Can't get rid of that guy. Fucking hell, he's on everything. everything i'm dropping a hundred and there's 135 bucks for three tickets man yeah and i just think

it's nice for the kids to have a little taste of a big show in a theater lots of people also i've got to fucking sit through the like four-year-olds doing their like skipping on stage thank god you didn't have to pay to watch your four-year-old do it least you're as a six-year-old it's a little bit older they're just as bad let's be honest yeah i would agree i would agree I just... Can I ask you, how much is it to go to dance? Because I know for a fact, April, and she hasn't said anything to me. She's a dancer.

April? She was like a child dancer. Oh. She's not stripping, bro. No, I just thought she was wanting to, like, the cruise ships or something. Does she work on cruise? No, no. She never made it that far.

I think she wasn't that into it. She's very good at dancing. Okay. I have seen you upload a story of her having a few wines at the bar. She does love wine in a dance. She was shaking hips. And I was like, wow, she's got great rhythm. You know, I did dancing with the stars.

I can start a good dancer. I don't know my wife online. But I did see that her and my friend's wife were talking about putting the girls into a dance class. That's why I ask. Yeah. After the scissor thing, I don't know if she does it. I don't, I don't know. It's not, I can't remember because I've been paying it for so long.

It's a lot. It's not cheap. It's not cheap. Already. And you think like, because I know Oscar with Jiu-Zitsu, it's expensive. I get it. I get it. There's a lot that goes into that.

There's a facility. There's people. But then they don't have performances. They have grading days, right? Which is where you go and be presented with your new belt or whatever. Imagine if they did that. And then charged you. Yeah, and charge it.

So it's a watch a far, man. I mean, I get it with dancing and performatives. It goes from the performance to a stage. But with something like jiu-jitsu, where does it go? It was like, we've got to fly all the way to Brazil. Brazil? Brazil. They're like, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good save, I've only listed Asian. Anyway, but, like, it's free to take Oscar down to the grading and he gets something out of it, and she was like, there's going to be a food truck here too, it's free, and there's going to be coffee. The food truck's free? Yeah, Asai, apparently. I am in the wrong sport. You are in the wrong sport.

What? Who wants to do Jiu-Jitsu? Yeah, it's like this new type of dance. It's called Jiu-Jitsu. He's like, this is weird. I think, yeah, I think it's a bit rich to be like, anyway, he's, you got to buy, if it was like a $10 ticket,

you'd be like, oh, this is going to be cute. Like, we could do it at the school hall. Surely they'll rent that out. Why don't you suggest that? I'm not, I'm not going to be that guy. We're all thinking it, though, all the parents. Yeah, have you got together and you've. Well, everyone's a bit like, you fucking got your tickets.

There's a group, yet, isn't there? There's a fucking WhatsApp group, isn't there? Well, whenever you do, like, the concert, eyebrows, raised. Everyone's like, yeah. you go again. Yeah. And take out another mortgage

on the fucking we can go to the... Literally. Anyway. Hey, we should do a segment. It's called

How much do you pay for your kid to do a sport they hate? We are funny. Very good. Because my kids fucking hate

every sport that I pay for. Every second. Oscar hates every jiu jitza class until it finishes. So it's the battle every fucking Monday

where I'm Like, come on, Lenny's going to go. Lenny does nothing. And Oscars into it. Why do we bother? Because then all of a sudden, I feel guilty that we're not, you know. Like yesterday, we picked the kids up. It was quite a hot day at school.

And you know what school pickups are like? Like a nightmare, for starters. And all parents get together and every day talk about how much of a nightmare it is to pick your kids up from school early. Because it's too early. Anyway, one of the parents was like, yeah, we're going to go down to the beach. And April was like, got back in the car. She was like, are we not doing an hour?

I was like, what? She's like, are we not doing enough for our kids? I'm like, these fucking kids get everything they want. Just because we're not taking to the beach straight after school, you don't have to feel bad about that. But if we weren't paying for them to go do a sport or an activity, you would feel bad about that. Oh, yeah.

But then it's like, why? Like, I keep going back to Rugby Union. I sponsored the fucking team. I couldn't have done anything more. I couldn't have done anything more to be involved. And where's my kid? hiding in the bathroom. Fuck, an hell.

It's time of a pair ants. That was just a parent. Whoa, I want to be freer to say what I feel. Man, I feel like a parent. Hey! All right, that's parents. So this segment, if you don't know, is we're parents messaging. get something off their chest.

It's cathartic. Yeah. It's like shitting. Well said. Thank you. Yeah. It feels good. Go on.

Have it another go. I was going to have a really, tell a really bad joke then. Just tell it. It feels good coming out, but not when it goes back. Okay. Yeah. It's probably best if you just read the pair of hands. It's probably best.

Anyway, this is from Danielle. Why is it so hard to wash your hands up to go out of the toilet? The meltdowns my kid have because I've asked them to wash their hands after they poo, ridiculous. Can I be honest? Yeah. Are you going to tell people you don't wash your hands again?

No, I just... I just outed you again, didn't I? Sometimes I'm like... Because, yeah, it is really hard. And sometimes if I've, like, taken their pants off and I've popped them on the toilet, I'm in their toilet with them, they've like bent over by touching my shoes so they're like do I have to wash my hands

and I'm like you haven't really touched anything they're in there though yeah but is that poo particles but they're not touched anything yeah but they're in the air in there you're you're you're actually in a poo sauna so you got to have a shower afterwards might as well if you wash your hands like should be washing the whole body yeah you should shower shit shower that's why shit shower shave can we delete this part from because it's a fucking nightmare and also what they do is they're like

like a mountain of soap on their hands and then they go oh yeah and I'm like you've got fucking soap all over your hands still bro and they're like hand sanitize it's easier

and it dissolves it doesn't dissolve it evaporates is that the right scientific fact no okay the condensation of I don't know with it So you don't go for a soap and water.

You just go for a hand sanitizer. No, I would go soap and water unless I have hand sanitizer handy, which is not very often. April usually does. But like, they're useless. Yeah, okay. I was at the pub with Oscar. There's a big playground at this pub.

And he goes, I've got a wee. No problems. Pub tool, it's pretty fucking gross. Disgusting. Disgusting. Anyway, he does a wee in the trough. Great. Then he goes over.

I'm like, he go, wash your hands. He can't reach the turn-on bit. like hands out with like Mr. Burns like hands out like limp you know you're limp and then he doesn't let's the water wash over his hands like I don't know

like it's theatrical and then skating through the fingers and there's nothing out there's nothing it's like wrap them together with some friction you didn't kill a germ with that there is no way that germ just grew stronger because of this. You've watered them.

And then that's it. And then they fucking wipe it on something dirty anyway. That's why I'm like, don't bother. I know. I took Macy to the same toilet and she had to use the toilet because she sits when she would. Anyway, someone didn't flush. So I walked in and I flushed and it was like a jet engine and I turn around and Macy's fucking legged it. She's gone.

And she was like, I'm not going to the toilet. you get out of there? She just fucking went. I had the door open before I, because I was like, oh, flushed it. Woosh! Magic trick.

And then I'm like, check the toilet, make sure she didn't fall in. Well, this is awkward. Anyway, how did we get here? Oh, washing your hands. Just wash your fucking hands. I've got a really quick per rant.

I'll make the snappy. Lay on me, big guy. This is a genuine question. question. Okay, this is serious. And I'm asking the listener right now. Who you talking about? Okay. How do you get your kids to listen to you without yelling? Okay. So the parents out there who honestly, they swear hand on heart, they do not have to yell to their kids. How do you get them to do anything? That's bullshit. They don't, they're yelling, bro. There's one way or another.

Because I'm just, I don't know if it's because it's a bit tricky right now with another baby in the house, but just everything, everything, the frustration. Like last night, we got out of the bath. That was an ordeal in itself. But Laura's breastfeeding Poppy downstairs. I'm going to get the kids dressed upstairs. Kids are fucking running around, emptying out the toys.

And I had the pajamas in my hands. And I said, guys, please, guys, honestly. You know, it's time for bed. I just, I'm asking you politely now. I'm asking you, I'm on my hands and knees. And I would like you, please. I'm going to hand you your pajamas. Can I just ask that you put your pajamas on, please?

I don't know how much I can beg you. Please just listen to me. I was like about to start crying. I know. I have fooled that card too. Doesn't work. And I'm like, for the love of God, please, I beg you to listen to me. And then I.

End scene. God, about it. That's pretty much what it's like, it's an act. You are acting right there. I was, yeah. To try and get them to feel humility. Yes. Be one of us.

Have some empathy. Oh, how good about me. Look at me. I'm a broken man on my hands and knees pleading for you to put your fucking pajamas on. I'm about to start crying. And from them? Nothing. Nothing.

They're like, is he talking to me or you? And it's like, Oh, God, this is terrible. This is, this, you're embarrassing yourself. I did this. I have tried a few times, the same thing, trying to get them to go to sleep. Because they're in bed and then I'm like, hey. And like I said, I got sick of the last, last interaction having with my child every night was me being like, shut up and go to sleep.

I wanted it to be more like, and I even said, I threw that act on. I was like, he's getting to. Karen. And I was like one second kids. A pet, my pet just died. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, what's something sad? A little funeral. Something that, yeah. Of someone that I really, shame one's funeral.

Sorry to all my dead relatives. Yeah, so I was like, okay. And I went in and I explained that. I said, hey, do you know what I'm sick of guys? I'm sick of the interaction we have before you go to sleep is always, an aggressive one from my end because you don't listen so i was like why don't you work with me i'm pleading for you i want this to be i want every night to be fair ask i want to be at a moment where i'm like good night i love you and i turn around and i walk out i only want to ask once i want to ask

once maybe twice at the most yeah okay i've tried to do this like three times never works and they just i'm at the point where i don't even i just i'm just yelling around the house because when they're like that and then listen to me, I need to yell for them to be like, oh my God, frozen in fear, get a little bit upset. Then I'm like, oh, look, come here. I'm sorry. Yeah. And then they're coming for a cuddle.

Then I put the clothes on. They start again. And then, fuck, that's the cycle. How do I break the cycle? And just for anyone wondering, I will say, hey, Lola, do you want the pink top for pajamas or the blue top to try and give them an option? And she's just like, no top, you fucking idiot. I know.

Oh, the disrespect. Try and give them the option so they only have to pick one. I'm not saying, do you want to put your pajamas on? Still doesn't work. And then they cry. And then I come downstairs and both kids are crying. And you're like, we want mommy. Laura's like, what's wrong?

And I'm like, I just told them to shut up. Yeah. I'm like, they came for me. I keep catching them jumping on the bed. But they're meant to be going to sleep. Then when I come down and sit to Laura, I have to be like, okay, my face back on. And I'm like, I'm really struggling, but they just wouldn't listen to me. And scene.

Yeah. Oh, honestly, I don't know. And I don't think... That's why I didn't ask you. I asked the listeners. Okay. Okay. Good.

Yeah. Yeah. Just keep yelling at him. Okay. Stay true. My mum yelled at me and I'm fine. Me too. Of sorts.

Well, we got beaten. Yeah, that's true. Should we... We're not going to advocate for violence. Should I hit my kid? No. No, we did never, would never. Wink?

No, I would never do that. Unless! No, cut all that out. We've all done like a forceful. it down. I'm joking. We've all put them in a headlock once or twice. Joking.

I think I've given up on the act. A game was not asking. I know, but I'm just giving my two cents. Because you're going to say, I don't know. I don't know. All right, should we do lies? If you do know, let us know. We're 50 minutes in.

I just got a really quick one. It worked. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, I'm trying to wrap you up. Tell me life. Tell me sweet little lies. Today we're just doing one lie Listener out there

One listener that we have in Iceland We are doing One lie and that's for you And one lie only And one lie only Let me get there So I recently And only really works

If you live in a unit Because there's I'm trying to get my kids used to the fact That on the other side of their bedroom wall Is another family that's trying to sleep Okay right? So shut the fuck up

I've started to do this thing. Can we apologize for this being such an aggressive end of the episode? No, I'm not apologised to nobody! Yeah, I we've started doing this thing where I'll take a fake phone call

that it's the neighbours. Yes. And I'll be like, a hoi-hoo. I'm like, yes, neighbor next door that I don't know the name of. And I'm so blatant with it too. Like, I'm like, oh, yes, that was Oscar.

Yep. Yep. Do you want his first and last name? Yep. For Oscar, Wicks. Yep. Oh, you're trying to sleep, are you? Okay.

Do you hear that? And they're like, oh my God. I was like, look, give him one more chance before you come over here. Give him one more chance. I'm like, yes, I know you're a scary man. So I know you're much bigger than me. Much taller, much more handsome. Harrier.

Hairier. My wife. You're missing teeth. You're my wife's all past. I get it. Okay. Oh, wait, is he handsome or scary? He's scarily handsome.

Why he may get him so attractive? He scarily has him. Yeah, I know you're chiseled, calmed out of stone. He's got olive skin. He's saying, he was telling me how big his arms are. And they're like, oh, petrified too. That's my lie. And it works.

I like that a lot. And then I always in the phone call with, okay, I love you too, bye. I don't know, just to confuse him. Just to keep guessing, you know. Net of let you know your moment. Never let them know. I'm having a stroke. Never let them know your next move.

We're tired, all right. Okay, well, we should let. I will go as far as to say that I love that. You can use it. That is some of your best work. And, like, just very good acting. Thank you. I've now realized that majority of your disciplining is acting.

It's an act. I know, no, no. It's an act. I don't feel a lot of much. Do they know the real Ash? I make them up. Will they ever meet him? No. No.

I just make up my emotions, Ben. Yeah. I'm that medicated. Britt is a listener on the Facebook group, has sent in a question, Ash. This one reads, I need help to convince my toddler he needs to rest. We've had a hellish 24 hours after a fall at daycare resulting in a hospital. Oh, my God. And a fractured jaw.

Who did he punch on with? that must have been a bad fall is that that must hurt you're going to sue do you need a lawyer accidents happen kids be kids sure depending on the situation fraction jaw and celeste is written in and i think she's hit the nail on the head you guys i think this would be an appropriate time to introduce or utilize screen time as much as possible without the guilt smart that's actually smart that's actually good advice i think i'm glad someone else has given that advice because If ever there was a time for a bit of screen. A bit of bed rest is okay with a screen.

Oh, man. And tell you what, there is nothing more effective at making my kids sit down, not move, and be quiet than putting on a bit of Disney, any kind of Netflix. Macy, when Sharks attack. Yes. But yeah, oh, look, definitely. It needs to rest. Rest that jaw. You just put the TV on.

give them the iPad and you enjoy a moment of peace. What are you supposed to do with a broken jaw in a child? How's that work? Yeah, you go have smoothies. Smoothies. Jackpot? Kids love smoothies. Just be like, if you sit here and watch this TV,

this sounds like a, I want to break my jaw at this person's house. I'm getting smoothies and watching TV all day. Fuck yeah. Heaven. There you go. There's your answer. Whenever Oscar or Macy is having like a bit of a tough afternoon and you're like,

I know you're tired. How do you get them to just get some rest? Oh, Macy falls asleep at the table a lot. Anyway. Oscar's like having a kelpie. He's just, there's no rest. He's like, I'll rest when I'm dead.

Zoom's past me. I don't know. They're pretty good when I whip the iPad out. They're fucking pretty good at sitting still doing it. Sometimes if Lola's really tired, won't nap. I just put it in the car and I just drive around for 20 minutes. She has a nap. Macea will ask, can I have a rest in the car? That's good. Yeah. And then I'm like, yeah. And she's like, okay, great. Can you what, can this mom maybe just put a kid in the car and then

just go for a drive half an hour? That'll knock him out. Unless he's a real car enthusiast. And he'll be like, this is amazing. And that's all we got time for. If you've even, enjoy this episode. Just carry on. If you've enjoyed this episode, you know what we would love more than anything. Two things. Number one, give us a review. Okay, we need it.

We need it. It's without these reviews. We're a 4.8 on that podcast, which is great. We want to keep that. We want more reviews. Yes. But also, send it to someone. Subscribe and send it.

We need more people listening. We do. Well said. Thank you. Or join us on social media. We're at Facebook, InSend, InSend. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube now. To do you, day.

Until then. Bye. It's like a limoncello. The fuck is that. Rhonda. It's the orange cat. Should be attacked. Turf wars.

You've got to show face on your own turf. Yeah, it's the orange cat from a few houses down, I think. And it comes in here and really like, revs up raspberries and like man handles raspberry

also it's not a very aggressive name so that cat's thinking I'm gonna but it's classic angry

ginger wow you know what I'm saying totally agree except what does really help the relationship between me and

raspberry is that if she's outside and she's cop and heat from the ginger cat I fucking sprint

out there and I'm like that's your thing yeah that's your thing and I Bad ginger cap fucking... You're like, get out of here, fan of pants.

Very good. Thank you. And then I look at Razby and Raspberry's like, there goes my hero. That cap would dress up as you when it goes to Korea Day. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, I wasn't sure where you're going with that. But just full circle.

See what I did there? Yeah. Two doting dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.