Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #180 Daddy did a big poo!

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

It's been a while since Daddy Ash has had an "accident" in public. Unfortunately, it happened at the worst place possible and has left him scarred ever since.  Matty J has found a way to sort out Lola's phantom "tummy aches" at the doctors. Is he an evil genius or just a very loving dad?! Making a return for this week's episode is your Parenting Lies and Pa-Rants! We've got some good ones.  We also answer your parenting questions:  How do I fix my toddler's irrational fear of flies?! BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads   See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You stink of garlic. Uh, the, uh, the parasite's back. Oh! How do you know it's back? It is back. It is all the same symptoms. It's everything. And I had to...

You just had a big weekend, you idiot. No, I had to have the garlic. You went to a Bucks. Yeah, but I was... It's not a parasite. You just drank 50 beers. Welcome back to Two Dating Dads. I'm Maddie J.

And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And we don't give advice. Tell me about this parasite. Just like yesterday afternoon, I was like, oh, starting to feel a bit like,

oh. Okay. Okay. I'll see what this guy. But that's why I smelled like garlic. I had to eat garlic this morning to try and kill this fucking. How much did you have? How many cloves?

Just the one. Just one. That's it on its own. I think it's my hands. No, it's your breath. Is it? I'm really sorry. It's coming out your paws.

Nothing's coming out of me. Ew. Anyway, I'm going to be okay. Can you do me a favor? Yeah. Just, I don't know if this is going to work. Can you call Laura? Because she's stolen my water bottle.

You want me to call Laura? Yeah, yeah. Just see if she picks up. As if you fucking answer. It's cool Laura. Yeah. Because I found my water bottle, and it was upstairs in the bathroom. This morning, she's gone into work with Poppy to Tony May.

And the water bottle, all of a sudden, gone. And it'd been in her car for three weeks. And I'm like, have you seen my water bottle? She's like, no, I don't know where it is. Which one, the one that... The good one, that your one. Oh, they are good ones, yeah. I'm calling Laura Byrne.

You do the talking. She's not picking up. The person you are calling is not available. Leave a message. Oh, sorry. Call her again. Oh, my God. She's going to think there's an emergency.

Yeah, good. This is an emergency. Okay, good. She's like breastfeeding. I'm going to get in trouble here. I can feel it. Yeah, dude. You steal water bottles.

There's repercussions. For who? For her? Yeah. Why am I being dragged into this? Been forwarded to voicemail. That's a rejection. Rich is not available.

At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up. Laura, I have been, Matt, demanded that I call you. Don't make, like, I've been dragged into this water bottle fiasco. You've stolen a water bottle that does not belong to you. There are repercussions, there's consequences. And one of them is that you have to listen to this voicemail, obviously. Because I know you don't want to talk to me.

Why do you take it? Sorry. Can you relax? Sorry. I'm trying to, I'm trying to meet. the situation. Okay. Laura, there is a drink bottle in your possession.

Now, I don't know if from where you came from, if it's different, but there's a name on it. It says Maddie J, not Laura Byrne. Thank you. So please return that promptly. So I don't have to listen to him, demand things of me and drag me in to situations. I don't feel like being in. I've got my own problems.

Okay. Hang up. Hang up. Have a good day. I love you. Bye. Okay. Now that that's done.

Sorry. Was that part of housekeeping? Are we in housekeeping? That's housekeeping. Is that all the housekeeping? Yeah, there was a message, Ash, for you, from Sarah, Sarah Jane. Yeah. She wanted to know what TV show I'm on.

Healthy, Wealthy Amir. Saturday, 7pm. I missed last Wednesday. I did, yeah. How many? Did you see, actually. Go on. This reminds me.

There's a comment on Spotify. I read this comment. I think it's the one that we're talking about. Just do you recall? Well, someone was like, that's really getting july. jealous. It was like, oh, you sound upset about it and it shows. It's really awkward. Yeah, because Matt keeps talking about it. And actually, when I read that, I was like, ooh, have I, am I coming across like a bit of a divot? Yeah, you are. Yeah. Am I? Well,

I've, what about an apology maybe? Yeah. I am, I am sorry. I am sorry. I have some news, though. You mentioned my mustache. Oh, what are you got for me? I got a role. Do you? And a movie. What movie is it? Is it porn? it's it's not like a cinema movie it's uh it's gonna be on stan oh oh you've been doing some work with stan haven't you yeah and i was like hey if you can just get me on any show they're like what do you we take your pants off i'll do it um and i think it's called casting i literally have yes you're better than that no i'm not i literally have two lines i'm like i'm like Oh, what?

But I play a cop. I'm in a cop, like an office. Like an officer? No, no, I'm a cop shop. Police station. Police station. Well, we circled. We took the scene group.

We got there. We got there. And they requested that my moustache is thick and lush. You've got good shape. I said that. Thank you. Yeah. So congratulations.

What's your name? You know, you know, I can't remember. No, because they sent me the script. Oh, Mr. Johnson. And I was like, I don't need the script. I got two fucking words. So I don't know the name of my character, which is not important. What's the movie called?

I don't even know. I don't know about that. I feel like someone's just, like you just rang him up and said, just shut him up and just telling me he's in a movie. But this is not your first movie, you experience. Yeah, Christmas Ransom. And how, what a film? What's the Rotten Tomato on that?

Let's move on. It wasn't good. Anyway, the ratings on my show have just increased. So just so you know. I will watch next week. It did increase without you watching it. I will watch next week. week.

Good news for me. Hey, breaking news. Okay. We don't often break news here on the podcast. You know this is going to come out next week. This is exciting. Go on. Okay.

This is potentially Australia's oldest dad. Guess how old he is? 94. Close. Fuck. 93. Wow. 94 this year, though, surely.

Yeah, it's a doctor. And he's welcomed a baby boy with his younger wife. she's 37 what's the math on that what's the age difference 57 56 fuck I was close that was pretty good that was very good thank you I'm going off 94 because he's going to turn 94 this year which I would be correct guess he's a healthy aging expert so what does he think he's going to you know he's going to be dead by the time

his kid's fine well he says he wants to be there until the 21st birthday huh I know but hey Who are we to judge? No, this is judge worthy, I think. Who are we to judge, Ash? Age is just a letter, number. Fuck. Jesus.

Sorry, I'm tired. You're rattled from this movie gig. You haven't slept on it. You're so excited. Wow. 94. I didn't think he could still get it up. He's married.

He was married for 57 years, but she passed away in 2013. And that's why when people ask me to get a vasectomy, I'm like, well, what's his name? ever know what the future holds. Shout out to John, Dr. Dr. John Levin. Levin. That's Levin. You are.

Yeah. That's a great effort. That's a great effort. Both. Just a combination of the two. I don't want a 70. I'm out. That's child abuse.

It is. It borderline is. That kid's going to have to mourn his father's death immediately. totally he can barely wipe his own ass what chances a child has no when he's like a teenager he's like well my dad died and someone was like yeah duh five minutes after I was born

oh baby but do you want to hold the child do you want to hold my husband who's holding the child in the deliveries where they're like someone's chat themselves and we're not sure who you know they're like when someone dies someone is born in the same room It's like, it's a, but...

So shout out to Dr. John Levin. Mm-hmm. Wow. Jesus. I know. Okay. Is he Jesus? I, mate.

Wow. So that's housekeeping. Oh, and shout out to, we had a listener rock up this morning, Ash. Oh, yeah. And Emily, her name was. I know. You nearly forgot. What?

You admit it to me. Emily, if you're listening right now, I, that's not true. I guess it is, that's, that's, that's, that's, I, I, just because you're a movie start now, I gave away a bugaboo and it's on the Facebook group. Must be nice to be able to give away bugaboos and stuff like that. I'm messing with you. I'm messing with you.

I'm too. Okay. I did see it on the Facebook group and I was like, how much? Didn't I write? I was on that. You're right. Something stupid. I know, because I'm a stupid, silly boy.

But it was lovely to meet, Emily, she's having birth. It's lovely to meet Emily. She's giving birth on the 6th of January. Oh, that's soon. Very, very soon. She looked great. Jess was down with me and I was like, let me just show you how it works.

And I was like, fucking buggerber. The clips haven't been touched in years. And I was like, there was like a bottle of valveling coolant in the buggerbell. I was like, do you want this as well? Is that the one with a little sign? thing you have? Yeah, the donkey. I remember the one. I don't know it went to Bugaboo. Would you go? I can't remember what it was called. But like, of course, all we used was the travel pram because it was lighter and less complex. That's what people are doing these days,

dude. People have, they've, they've steered away from the big prams, the little prams are what they're after now. I know, because they're thousands of dollars. It's a lot of money. I like, is it that much safer? Probably not. No, but dude, just the, you know, the ease. You want a pram that you can push with your finger. Yeah, that 94 year old's going to need that. Yeah, yeah, he's like, I'll take one. I'll take one with a walker attached to it, please. Somewhere I can sit down every three steps.

I'm just a bit tired today, though. I'm not fucking tired. Are you delirious? Is that what's happening? Yeah. I don't know what that is. You know what pegged. Well.

I was up all last night. With the baby. Oh, no. Playing fucking video games. What do you think? I was going to say with Lola or what? You know, we play video what we're playing. I, um, you know those, you probably, for you, Ash, you probably don't remember what this was like.

But it would have been about three in the morning and I was just pacing up and down the room, tapping the ball and just like, trying to stay in rhythm. And then trying to like, and then coming up on the shoulder, maybe a burp, not back down. And then, and then, yeah, a couple little, hey, oh, oh, my quads. That's why my quads are safe. I know, it's good. My step counts. Amazing.

The pistons. Yeah. And I remember thinking, God, that's right. This is what you have to do with a newborn. I know, like, just like the continual rock. And then you find yourself just in public going. The two step. The two step.

Or you got the, you're just dealing the strolling alone and you're a trolley. And you're like, God. I don't envy you. But I warned you. I could not get out of bed this morning. I ended up in Lola's bed and she woke up at six in the morning. And you could have offered me a million dollars and I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed. I was so tired.

And Lola was like, fucking get up. And I was just like, get my phone and watch something. See, how's this 93 year old going to do that? He's having dinner at 4 p.m. and bed by 4.30. Like, let's get him on the podcast. No, it's not. No, he won't be able to talk. talk.

You might die in the same exorcist. Oh, you poor thing. Well, at least you don't have a parasite yet. Let's be kissed. You want to kiss his gallic bread? Speaking of parasites, I'm sorry that you're tired, but this will pass and then regression will gum. Ugh, that word. Regression.

Disgusting. I forgot to mention last time I had a parasite because I was moving. I don't know if you recall I moved again. Yeah. For the final time in a long time. I'm like, I'm never moving ever again. Like, I will drive the people downstairs out. I will drive them out with noise or whatever by that place

just so that we can expand when the kids get bigger because I don't want to move ever again. It's not that bad. Well, I also can move into the garage or something. Yeah, I haven't seen the garage yet. I lived in a garage when I was a kid. That sounded horrible. That sounded really bad, Mom.

I'm sorry, but I did. Anyway, that's a story for another time. I'm telling you this story because I had the parasite and I forgot to tell you that after two or three days of moving and I started to feel a little bit better which you do because I was self-managing it with advice I got from TikTok standard classic

my age group and I took a little trip to MITA 10 as you do. Love MITA 10. To get a few things for the half. What's your preference? Miter 10 or Bunnings? I feel like MITA 10 is better because they're just a bit smaller.

You can kind of nip in an hour. the bunnings down the road for me is like fucking three stories. I think that Bunnings have taken the whole warehouse thing too far. Too far. The floor's concrete. Like, you go to a minor ten, it's a nice vinyl tile floor.

Yeah, that's what, spoken like a true, a true, a true fucking cannot talk. A true weekend worry. Tradey. True tradie.

Oh, was it worth it? Not really. No, well tradies don't go to Bunnings anyway. They do. They go to the trade section. It's different. They got something over there we don't know about.

Let us in there. Let us in, please. We want a free jumper. This is Bunning Spooninghouse trade on it. That'd be great. Anyway, so I went in to buy a bunch of stuff for the house. Yeah, what did you get? I think I got some door stops because it's quite breezy, which is lovely.

I love that. Oh, like a little snake. Just the standard white ones because those long snaky slug-looking ones, they always end up in the kid's bed because I think it's a toy. Yeah. And they're all dusty and shit. Oh, they're all they're all wet. Oh, moldy.

What are the white ones? Like are the ones that you drill under the door. No, no, they're just a little rubber thing you kick under the door. He was kicking out of the door. Oh. Like a wedge. Like a wedge. But you need that for the breeze?

Sorry. Yeah, that'll do the job. A wedge. Why are you that perplexed about the... Let's not get hung up on the door stops here. The other things that I needed to get. Just bits and pieces, hooks and whatever you get when you... Hooks were for?

Pictures. Of things? I don't know. My sister bought a really nice picture of Narabin Beach. It's a nice photograph. As one would call it. Where did you put it? whatever hook was available

because I'm yet to get around to put in the hooks up. Anyway, I'm perused in the aisles. Well said. And I always hate when people ask me, do I need help? I'm like, no. I know what I'm doing.

Anyway, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed to ask for help, okay? But where does this insecurity come from? Let's go all the way, but no, it's not. I'll take us all day. You don't need that. Why don't you say no? No, I'm sorry.

I don't run away. And throw my arms in a way. they're like, oh, oh. April was like, this is the sixth time, Ash. You come home empty-handed from my to 10. What's going on? One time I walked into a shop. And I got in there.

And as soon as I walked in the door, I was like, can I help you with anything? I was like, I didn't even answer. I just turned around and ran out. That's why I shop online. That's where I get my laundry online. Anyway, I was perusing the aisles. And I, like I said, I had been unwell.

And I thought, I need a fart. And it has been a while since this has happened to me. Yeah, we had a period early on, the early days of the podcast. It was a regular occurrence. People are probably wondering, me like, oh, good on Ash. Turns life around. Nope. Anyway, I am.

Also, it's risky doing it in aisles because once you're by yourself, next minute there's someone asking for help and you're there. Under the fluorescent lights too. Like, it's very... It's hideous. Like, you can see everyone. Like, it's like at a nightclub when the lights come on. Yes.

Yeah. So I was like, I was in the door handle aisle for some reason. I wasn't even looking for. Of all aisles. I know. Really got me going. Anyway, I tried to sneak out a little fart. Turns out it was liquid.

Yeah. Yeah. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And I knew immediately and I had my hands full of things. Oh, sugar. And I had to, I had to. and I'll show, can I demonstrate what I did?

It's better for me to demonstrate it. I know this is an audio, non-visual. I'll describe the actions. Okay, all right, good. Ash has removed his headphones. He's stood up. All right, so this is the item. Okay.

Yeah. So Ash is perusing the door handles and he's just lifted his right leg. You know how you do it like. Yeah, just to open the cheeks up slightly. Yeah. What's it? and it happened and I went and I froze I froze I couldn't bend my legs so I was like

drop the basket down paper town backed away and I just walked out like this all the way out to my vehicle and I went home wait you didn't go to the toilet I did go to the toilet at home No, why don't you go to the toilet? Oh, this was too embarrassing. I just wanted to get to a safe neutral zone. Because there has been one time where I went to a toilet, a public toilet, and there was a pair of ditched undies. Oops.

No, look, if I was out, like, if I have done it before where I was in a park and I went to the toilet, ditch my undies. But this was middle of the day, tradies everywhere, the fluorescent lines. Oh, you don't want to shoot yourself in front of the tradies. I just stiff-legged my way out. People just thought I was stealing. Because they look so guilty. Yeah, it's like a hammer down his pants.

And I got to my car and I was like, okay, well, thankfully, Mardi 10's not too far from my house. I got home and April was like, where is everything? Yeah. And I was like, it's actually an aisle 8 still with the door knobs because I shit myself in aisle A and I've stifling my way all the way home. So if you don't mind, I'm going to go clean myself up and never go back to Mata 10 ever again. Poor little thing. Anyway, the run is over.

It's been like 12 months. The run has just begun? Yeah, maybe. The runs have just begun? Yeah, very good. Yeah, okay. I like it. Anyway, that's what I'm dealing with the run.

I'm sorry. That's okay. I'm sorry, no one deserves that, especially not yourself. I know, well... Did you get you and went back and got the hooks? I went to Bunnings. Hey, we spoke last week about the phantom illnesses that our kids sometimes get. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you got for me? Let me just go out and say that I'm an evil genius Okay I saw an opportunity To work to my advantage And I took it with both hands As you would

So we were a bit late On Laura's immunizations There's a needle I don't know what it was for For Laura or for the baby Lola I apologize I'm confused

Who we got Start again Sorry Sorry I'm an evil genius that Lola Her injection Was due for an injection

You don't know what But you just took her To get jab with a needle By a strange man I think it was the daycare Was like Oh did she get a four year old Needle for this thing

And I was like Oh Laura did she She's like not Like fuck I'm gonna go take her And at the same time We have these

Phantom tummy aches I do recall Yeah I keep popping up For attention We think it's for attention Because she's eating Maybe she's got a parasite

her poos are fine. I'm checking up the poos. No issues whatsoever. And chat of bash. Do you want to check my poos? Absolutely. There it might as hand. So I thought I'm going to go book her in.

I'm going to take her. And when she's like, hey, where are we going? I say to her, we're going to the doctor's because of your tummy ache. And she straight away, she was like, what? And I'm like, well, your tummy ache. You keep saying you got a sore tongue. I mean, and, you know, nothing's fixing it and it's still there. Is it sore now?

She's like, no, it's not really sore now. I'm like, well, five minutes ago, you said it was sore. So we've got to, we've got to take it to the doctors and figure out what's wrong with you. And she was like, oh, fuck. She's like, no, we'll just go. We'll go to daycare. We don't need to go to doctors. And I was like, it's booked in, honey.

Come on hop in the car. Oh, you call the bluff. And I was like, you idiot. I got you. You're four. I'm in my mid-30s. And she had no idea that she was booked in. for a big old needle.

I hate needles too. And we get there and I kind of say, Lola's got a sore tummy, the doctor checks it out, does a couple of little pressure tests. It kind of says to me, Lola was distracted with the toy and she's like, no, this doesn't seem like,

there's anything wrong with her whatsoever. And I was like, I knew it. You keep that to yourself, okay? We're going to play a little role play right now to the GP. I was like, you're going to tell her that she's very sick. and the only way to heal her is with a needle.

Oh, my God. And she was like, I can't do that. You're like, you'll do what I tell you to do, Doctor, that I pay, and I get a gap payment back. She was like, let me. I have Medicare. He was like, sir, your insurance is lapsed. I was like, you're going to put this wig on.

And we're going to change your name. And tuck your sack back. I'm assuming he's a man, doctor. It was actually a female. But she went to go get the needle. The needle wasn't in the room. I may have said to Lola, the tummy ache is a problem.

Oh my God. This poor child's never going to trust again. And I was like, but the good news is they can fix it with some medicine. Okay? The medicine is a needle. It comes in syringe form only. And she was like,

oh yeah, like the syringe I have a, you know, the Darmadon. Nope. I was like, no, it's, uh, it's a little bit different. And you're like, so I pin her down. Oh, my God. This is bad. She came in and Lola was like, please, no. Like, ah!

And also I held the sleeve up and I held her arm across a chest like this. Oh. And the doctor was like, look out the window. and Lola just goes I want to watch it go in Oh you're an evil evil parent But she needed the

She needed the injection But you just used Not one mention of the tummy aches since Oh good It worked You did it You solved it And she's also immunised

Yay! That's a winner Just on the fake tummy eggs I actually caught off Oscar out yesterday. What happened? So we were at the shops and he loves the Karagi chicken cups, you know, from the sushi thing. Karagi chicken.

Say that again. Karachi. That gets a deep-fried chicken. Yes. And he loves it, which is cool. And then he had half of it. My girls had never once eaten that. They got to try it.

Yeah. They must. They won't have a tummy ache. Anyway, he had half and then he said, oh, can we take this home? I'll have the rest. I was like, yeah, no worries, that's fine. That's very mature of you. I love that.

And they were at home, and I was like, oh, hey, are you going to eat that chicken? Like, I think he took it the tone as like I was forcing him to do it. You know, we're like, did he? Like, you're going to eat that? And he was like, I think I've got a sort of tummy. And I said, I'm not forcing him. I'm just asking. He was like, no, I'm not going to have him.

Can I have a musli bar? I was like, you fucker? Are you serious? You folded that quickly. You bastard. Anyway. You're pathetic. School holidays.

today. It's over. It's over. I'm not looking forward to the big one. A huge congratulations to yourself, to all parents out there. I think Queensland went back last week. They've been back for a week, so they're up there. They've been gloating for a week, but now we're back.

What the hell is going on with Queensland? Same with Victoria. What? And Perth's like four hours behind. What's going on? We used to be a country united. We used to, now, all this division in dates and times, too much. Like, South Africa's...

Oh, my God. Just shut up. Just shut up. Anyway, let me get back to these. All right. I know what you're saying, and I stand united with you, Jess. Write down that we need to bring the country back into one. Please.

As a top priority, write that down. Thank you for helping me there. That's okay. Anyway, I have the kids, like during school holidays. I have them one or two days a week in the middle of the week. Both of them is exhausting. I don't know how our parents do it. I don't know how I don't know how stay-at-home

parents do it. I don't know how you do it. You are the serious heroes of this nation. Glutton for punishment. Glutton. What a great word. Thank you. Gluten? Glutton. Same thing. Is it? Anyway, moving on. I had both kids. Anyway, April... Such a good dad. Thank you. April worked, works from home. As you know, she has an office, which is also my seam rig room. So... You're what room? Sim rig. I see you later. Oh, sorry. Me and Oscars. We will be shared. It's a sim rig is the seat of a race car. that has a steering wheel and pedals.

Yeah, I'm an adult. And Ash drives, sorry, races, Formula One cars, using the Sim rig. Yeah, I'm pretty good for you. It's actually quite fun. It is very fun. You should see it now. It's very different. I'll tell you next time.

Anyway, so the kids are at home, and I did, like, a little job with Oscar midway through the day at the shop. So I bought them, and they were both very well behaved. So they wanted some Lego, so I got them some Lego. And I love Lego, you know that. So I was like, oh, yeah, cool. So I let me pick a cheap Lego each, nothing too crazy. This is Macy Light Lego?

This is not fucking Christmas. She loves it too. It's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so I got them Lego. Kids are deep in their Lego for the afternoon. Just like a bit of chill out time before we maybe go for a scooter ride in the afternoon, late afternoon. Bit of Sim time.

A bit of Sim time maybe, we'll see. And then I was like, okay, I need to take shit. So I was like, kids, I'm just going to go to the bathroom real quick. No worries. Okay, I'm in the bathroom for a normal amount of time. 45, 50 minutes. So I'm out for dinner. I get back and the kids are asleep.

The kids are asleep and they've had dinner and lunches are made up until and I was going on there. Anyway, I come back out and April is out of her office and the kids are out of, you know, their Lego is complete and April's pissing herself laughing and I said, okay, what's, I've missed the joke. Was I in there that long I've missed a joke? What's so funny? And she was like, the kids barged in with their complete Lego to show it off to me. She's so happens that I'm on a, what they call a town hall meeting, which is all of like the, all the team leaders, all of the project managers. She works for a big company.

It's huge. Massive. Multinational. Yeah. Anyway, she's an executive assistant to the president. Oh, yes she is. That's my April. She's a go-getter, my April, yours by affiliate.

Anyway, she said, the kids came in, I'm talking, interrupted me, and said, here's the Lego. And she was like, oh, great. And everyone on the call was like, oh, that's great. And I'll see, and April goes, where's your daddy? And also he goes, he's doing a big poo. Yeah, you are. Punishment. And then April's like, that's weird.

He's not at my to 10. He's not walking in the door. legged. And I was like, oh, what happened? Anyway, everyone laughed and the call abruptly ended. And that's the last of the call that happened. So they finished off a town hall meeting with maybe a hundred people in it for my six year old telling them that dad's in there doing a big poo with the door open. Do they know who you are? They must know who you are. Yes. Oh my God. But anyway, I was, it's a weird feeling to find it really funny and also be very embarrassed about it. It's a little bit embarrassing.

I've got a shitting in this episode. You've had a lot. Got a lot of shit going on. Are you going to, is it, it will be awkward when you see everyone at the Christmas party? Yeah, well, it'll be, um, I don't know what it'll be this year. We'll say, probably dinner. So they'll be even more awkward. They're like, I don't want to sit next to shitty.

Yeah. That's the guy. That's the guy. That's the guy, shit himself a minus 10. And then. He went hidden the toilet when he was going to be able to get him. He can't even parent the kids without doing a big old shit. You know what next time I'm dragging Oscar in there with me and he can suffer through the stench.

Speaking of school holidays. Okay. I know we're now beyond school holiday. By the time this comes out with everyone to be back in the rhythm. Back in the thick of it. In the thick. Was Marley happy to go back? Was she like, I want to go back to school?

Oscar was pumped. She was excited except stupidly. We're now at the point where we just do drop and go at the front. gate and she has about 20 meters to go from the front gate to her classroom and she goes can you come and walk me in oh and i was like i'll do that it's first day back and then it was just it was hard to i was maybe one of the last bit late one of the last parents to drop her off wait you late no oh god i got to have a jab yeah it's warranted i deserve that and she was like she didn't want to let me go she's like one more hug one my hug and then she's

crying and they teach is lovely and kind of was like don't worry molly like how was your holiday just distract distract distract it was a yes no answer and i i i'm sorry i couldn't help myself i really couldn't help myself you're you team me up perfectly for that okay fair okay so no the answer's no you didn't like it All right, all right, right. So she was upset. You think you're funny. I am.

I am funny. That is funny. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, she wasn't happy to go back. No, she was. Okay, good. I'm glad we got there.

Okay. You've made the rest of this record awkward. Should we go to a segment? Before we go, before we go. I think I have the greatest parenting hack of our generation. I'll be the judge of that. Well, actually, no. The listeners will be the judge of that, I think.

It's going to have to include them every now and then. This is life. changing. You really team this up. This will improve the lives of parents all around the world. Yeah, even that one parent in Iceland who listens to us, they'll be like, this does not discriminate national borders, it carries through everywhere, all around the globe.

Go on. Okay. Layed on me. The kids were chomping for some TV time. But they just turn into little assholes when they get a bit of TV. So we try as best as we can to not give it to them until the end of the day. And then we, it's more a case of we want a bit of a break. You get shit done when they're stuck to the TV.

Oh, my kids, dude, their house could be burning down. If the TV is on, they will sit there and continue watching without making a noise. I could be getting murdered by an intruder. I'd be like, please help me. And they'd be like, yeah, one more episode of My Pony Princess. I'm like, fucking hell. But we've given them something to watch, which just, it's magic. Okay.

But this is not, you're, they're playing a game. Are they? Are they not? So I'm, okay, I'm watching here, it looks like just dance or whatever, and the girls are following the dance moves to go along on the adventure. Like, it's a game. It appears that they're playing an interactive game, Ashton. Okay.

The thing is, they're not at all. far from it explain the actions on the screen are in no way a directive from the movements of my children Marley's really into it

they fucking love it they play this for about half an hour they'd be exhausted we typed in K-pop demon hunters interactive game and it's someone who's obviously played the game

recorded their screen they put it on YouTube so the kids then watch it back thinking that they are controlling the characters on the screen. Genius. And they're idiots. Kids are idiots. And then it was only until like half an hour later that Lola was like,

who, getting pretty tired. And she stopped moving. And then she looked at the screen and went, it's still moving. How is that working? But I put that on my stories and just the outpouring of parents being like, send me the link now. Wow.

I'm going to try it. It's great. This afternoon. I'll send you the link. We'll put it in the Facebook group. We'll put it in the show. Actually, no, Facebook group. Put it in there.

Come and find it. Come and find it. It's a threat. Come and find it. But that just... That's good gear. Mate. That's good gear.

Yeah, well, they fall for that. Danny Go-go. It's like April said yesterday, like the kids were watching TV in the afternoon. She was like, your eyes will go square. And I was like, what? They'll go square? I'm like, it's a saying. It's like, a saying for what?

I was like, shut. Use your brain Danny go-go Also search him Danny go-go Is it going to be like a blippy situation I'm going to cringe the whole time Oh it's very cringy

But it's great He does like He's like come on kids dance Has he had someone poop on him as well Not yet All good child entertainers do have some kind of poop story You'd be great You'd be great in Tennessee

There's still time Should we go to a segment Matt Please Tell me lies Tell me sweet little lives Tell me lie, tell me lie. This is from Jade, and she says, We were out in the car today and passed multiple Macas and KFCs.

Oh, sorry, so, KC, which is what a kid's called KFC. KC. KC. They're missing a little bit. Idiots. So, sorry, Jay. Is that the lie? Sorry.

And Hungry Jacks. And the trifecta, KFC, Macas, Hunger Jacks. My three-year-old kept demanding for a happy meal. We informed him that they will not. give us a happy meal if he's not happy. Yes! They don't make sad or angry meals. Oh, unhappy meal.

This word to treat after a few deep breaths, he comes right down. That's great. That is good, yeah, I like that. That is really good. That is good. I love that. Hey, Ash, why don't we do one lie and we'll do one pair rant? So it's time for this.

Whoa. Yeah, to say what I feel Man, I feel like a parent. Hey! This is from Harley. And Harley says, I swear the moment we pick up our fork, our two newborns clock in for their night shift of chaos.

It's like they've got a six cents for ruining hot meals. Anyone else newborn love ruining their eating pleasures? There must be twins, right? I'm gathering. I think we can't confirm. No, Harley's got twins. Shout out to Harley. He's a long-term listener.

Fair rant, too, because every parent deals with that. Mate, parents of twins. I do not know how the hell you do it. I don't know. I mean, we're Poppy at the moment. Like, whenever I finish dinner, yeah, I cook. Yeah, cool. That's me, give me a little pat my back.

Marinar. Ash has a go on me because I like to order a seafood marinar and he says that's for rich people. It is. It's just like when you get salmon from Thai. Seafood is not a sign of, let's focus on the Perant, shall we? Can people just back me up here? No.

Middle class Australia loves with marinar. Oh, give it a rest. I'm trying to road people into you to make you seem like your blood of the people. I am from humble beginnings. What's in a seafood mariner? See, I wouldn't know because I've never happened. Oh, shut up. Go.

But Poppy, every time, like last night, cooked a steak, beautiful steak, Scott Fillet. That's all right. Thank you. Thank you. Reasonably priced. And like, it's just, you know, I have, what I need to start doing is staggering the meals. I need to cook Laura's first, then I take Poppy. And then once she's finished, I can give poppy back to her.

Then I can finish my meal. It's just, it takes twice as long. Twice as long. A dinner is just, it's a feeding yourself is a fucking ordeal, let alone a newborn child. Loving, loving. Feeding yourself is an ordeal. Loving being a dad right now to a newborn child. Let me just put that out there.

Questions, Ash. Yes. Okay. Ash, this is from Celeste that was submitted on the Facebook group. and she says, I have a question about toddlers and irrational fears. First, here is a situation. My daughter, she's nearly three, has suddenly developed a very genuine fear of, wait for it, flies. Okay.

I know it's a genuine fear because the look in her eyes is pure terror and she runs to us frightened. We have tread carefully because we don't want her to feel as though we don't care if she is scared, but we are also treating it calmly. Just like flies, calm. Saying things like, oh, it's just a fly. You say shoe fly, don't bother me. Sometimes she joins in with the shoeing, but today at daycare,

we received a call about her irrational fear. We honestly don't know how or when this started specifically. It was rather sudden. I don't know how to navigate this. And as we approach summer, yes. It's impossible for us to avoid flies, particularly since we live near bushland. Question, how do we help her? Two things I've got here.

The first one is, I don't like it when these kids give you shit all day and then they want you to help you when they're scared to something. That's just not fair. You get me? Yeah, I'm picking up what you're putting down. That's the first one. Second one, I can't really help with that, but I'll tell you about Oscar's Irrational Fear. And now Macy's, it's rubbed off onto Macy.

What do you got? It's the hand dryer in the public bathroom. bro my kids are petrified even the dyson i'm like this is the good one i know and i i know yeah this is the expensive one anyway i i rich first of all i didn't think i thought they were joking so when they went to put their hands in there were like do slosh it and that made it worse when there's no paper towel you just you just you know it's it's instinct to just go straight for the hand dryer yeah and the kids are like i know right they ran they run out but i I taught them to just put their hands in their pockets.

Dry them. So there's a parent hack too. So maybe tell your daughter, was it? Crater flies? Just put your hands in your pockets. Well, look, flies are, let's be honest here. They are very dangerous. They're annoying.

Spreading disease. Have you seen that guy? He's like, I'm a fly and I've just discovered some shit. He's like, they're filthy filthy filthy filthy but we do have a solution here Jess has actually passed this over the table and this is something that she was wearing when she visited Uluru

it was like some of the lingerie upon open just put your wife's lingerie over your head wow yeah wow this is this is okay it is you look like you look like a widow you look like your husband has just died I love you so much. He was such a lovely, killed all the flies.

Gone too soon. It's gone too soon. But this is a fly mask. It's a screen door that goes over your head. Yes. And you know what? Visibility slightly impacted, but still, like, I can still see. I can't look at you like this.

And I feel like I need to hand you a tissue and be like, so it's going to be okay. I'm going to miss on Clarence. It was such a good fly killer. But buy your child one of these. Problem solved. Well, the fly is still going to be there. No, but no.

It's not going to be able to get to you. It's a shield. You are giving your child armor. Armour so they can face their fear head on. Will that work with the hand dryer? You reckon? You're an idiot. Okay, if you've enjoyed this episode, please give us a review, a number of stars.

A few comments. We would love to get to a thousand before the end of the year. Don't let me beg for these, please. No, it'll make you beg. Getting on your knees and back. And I'll do it. And, uh, Ash,

if you want to find us on social media, where can they go? Two dotting dads on Instagram, TikTok, the Facebook, and now YouTube. There are on YouTube, and you'll be able to see you've got on that.

And we are out of here. Yeah, I think of God. Thanks, Darius. Clarence. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Bye-bye-bye. They're fucking next door.

Ronda's back out with a fucking blower. He should be quick. He'll be quick. He'll be over in a flash. He's coming down the side of the house with a blower right now. I can hear it. Sorry about this, everyone. I apologize. It's like waiting for the microwave to finish.

lowest minute ever. Yeah, that was... I look it back over it, it's like 59 still. I'm like, What the hell? Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past

and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigle Land.