Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - # 183 A dog poo disaster and a life-changing dinner hack

Episode Date: November 11, 2025

We're into another chaotic week with the kids but this time it's Buster who's in the naughty corner.  Ash shares why his daughter's hunger has no bounds, even when it comes to saving the seals and Matt reveals how he became the innocent victim of a water gun attack. The boys learn what the actual meaning of 'Baby on Board' means, plus a listener has shared what could be the greatest dinner-time hack of all time (and could save your sanity at the dinner table). Aaaaand the countdown to Christmas is well and truly on with the boys debating whether it's too early to be putting the tree up - if at all! The silly season is officially here and we're leaning into it - so strap yourselves in, it's going to be a wild ride. BUY OUR SMELLY T SHIRTS HERE  https://www.twodotingdads.com/category/all-products Buy our book, which is now available in-store! https://www.penguin.com.au/books/two-doting-dads-9781761346552  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Can you smell that? Can you smell anything like that? Thank God, no. No. Okay. We had an incident this morning. An incident, yep. Someone shat themselves.

Who do you think it was? Welcome to the club. Not you? Not me? Damn it. What's your other guess? It's got to be Laura. Welcome back to Two Dating Dads.

I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And one thing we will never do is give advice. Correct.

Was not Laura. Laura didn't shit herself. Okay. Good. I'm glad. Any other guesses? Nana. It's got to be Nana.

No. Nana has been shitting herself quite a lot. She said that out of gastroarate, out of hospital. But was not Nana? Who's your other guess? I'm running out of people here. One of the girls? No.

Basta. There he is. Hang on him. A dog can't shit themselves because they're not wearing pants or anything. They just shit. That is technically correct. Okay. So he's shat unexpectedly.

There we, yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Why? What set him off? Mate, I don't know. He's getting old. And he's very, very good. Like he will hold it in until his morning walk, right?

Yeah. Does it poo every morning? Did it poo yesterday? Like clock work? Like clock work, all right? Has he got a spot? Got a spot. There's a little patch of lawn outside this guy's house.

It's like new turf. Had the house renovated. And Buster's like, that's my spot. Totally. And then this morning, feeding the kids breakfast. And Nana was like, oh, blah. Where was it? Over there.

And I look over and Buster's just squatting on the fucking carpet. Why do they choose the carpet too? And so I like pushed him onto the floorboards. And he was like, oh. He's only got three legs. And then as he was like taking little steps, just bits of poo will fucking coming out and then I got a little bit angry at Nana because I was like well I'll pick up the fucking bits of poo yeah and Nana was like stop and I was like what for and I'd like

I'd already begun there was like you know little nuggets he's a big dog he's a big dog very stinky boy and I was like I'm gonna pick up the poo what the fuck what do you mean just trying to cut my swearing out I do I swear it Nana guilty yeah and then she goes don't pick it up because then you don't know where the poo is to clean it up up. That's a good point. Very good point. And I was like, what do you mean? And then I looked down and I was like, oh God.

Yeah, I always leave like a little smear so I can come back to it. Like my dog last night, shit in the house. What? She does like a storm. She vibrates when the storm's coming. She's so anxious. Yeah, like, Buster does as well. I like, I think I did a video a while ago where I was like, it's going to turn my dog on to

vibrate. She was like, blah, blah. So where did she shit? In a kitchen. But after I'd just taken her out for a shit. that's rude fucking annoying but yeah just a little smear come back with the antibacterial wipe and finish off the job a buster like since then he's been like so guilty he's like i'm so sorry i know and i'm like it's fine we'll get over a buster and laura's like can you just

tell him that it's going to be okay and i was like he doesn't know he's yeah he doesn't know he probably probably think if you're like it's going to be okay he probably think why you're still angry with me yeah yeah he's getting he's getting old 13 years 13 And you're like, housekeeping, Ash. My favorite, new favorite segment. What do you got for me? Table is fucking dirties. Sorry.

Yeah, I didn't want to say anything. It's the only time this table is clean when we fucking did this podcast. Yeah, mainly because when you start to talk about something, you're like, so let me tell you there's something. This is crumbs everywhere. Holy shit. Quick update. Yeah. Did my movie.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. How did you go? Ah! You had two lines? A couple of little mistakes that I made. In those two lines. Well, look. Look, I got a few details wrong. I didn't let anyone know on set that I had got the details wrong, but I thought it was good. I thought I was doing a comedy. I thought it was a comedy film. Okay. What are the lines that you did? He delivered that. Well, it's called The Killings.

Okay. And then I was getting, get ready, I'm getting dressed. And they're like, you excited about doing this? And I was like, yeah, you know, it's going to be a lot of fun. And they're like, yeah, I gave it a bit of fun. And I was like, how's it been? I'm like, yeah, it's being pretty full on. And I was like, oh, why? What's happened? They're just like, so much death. Everyone dies.

Grusome deaths in this film. Do you die? No, sadly I don't. Oh, that's sad. I know, I know, very annoyed. But it's a hectic horror. Like, it's on par with a, as gruesome as like a sore type movie. Australian made.

Australian made, yeah. I thought it was set in the 80s, which is why I had the mustache. Yeah, and you're a cop. aren't you? That's what I wanted to be like a... Is this why they asked you to clean shave? You're like, nope. Yeah.

And I was like, no, it's 80s. It's not 80s. Current day. Oh my God. Right? You've been misinformed. Very misinformed. And then...

That's not like you. I didn't have a character name. I was just desk cop. That was my name. And because it's the main characters are cops. I learned the wrong scene. There's a different desk cop. And so we did a rehearsal.

And they're like, scene 34? And I was like, that's me and then people were saying their lines and I was like what the fuck what are we learning here and then they were like

and I don't know if you've been on a film set Ash there's a lot of people yeah a lot of people a lot of cameras yeah I got it pressure yeah I get it yeah and then they're like

the director's like it's your line Matt and I was like I don't know oh yeah they're like flicking through the script and the main character actor her name's Heather Mitchell she's very experienced in the film industry in

Australia she big deal and she was like it's okay sweetie oh how old is she she's a child actor she's 66 okay so she's been around the trap at least like least she's much older and she can go like it kind of plays it off yeah so it was a bit stressful but we got it done okay what were your lines a line is one line you've been cut down to one line I know and then I was In the bullpin, I think it's cool. Yeah, yeah, definitely, yeah. Someone who's been arrested a few times. Don't you need to tell everyone that, but yep.

And I was meant to be in the bullpin, but then they were like, oh, actually, it makes sense if he's gone. It makes sense if you just got back in his car and drove home. And then also, I was like, there was a couple of extras, and I was kind of with them. Oh, you've been pushed into the extras file. And there was even another guy. he was trying to get in on,

he was on the whiteboard in the back of a scene and it was ruthless. He was doing one scene and they were like, Whiteboard boy, get out! You're too confusing. You're distracting the scene.

It was cutthroat in there, dude. Oh my God. So my line was... Set the scene for me. Let's do a role play here. There's an old detective who's come in. She's retired, but she was a cop.

Can I be that old detective? Yeah. I'll deliver that line. Actually, you'll be the inspector. You'll be the inspector. Who's a current detective? and this old detective has made like I've met her at reception and she's like I need to go and speak to the detective and I'm like okay well I'll like I'll bring you in the detective who's you you're trying to solve a case you're very stressed

and you're I know how to do that and you turn around and you go who's this that's it yeah okay so I'm going to give you a little actor's tip here to look stress just look annoyed yeah same thing yeah who is it sorry inspector this woman insisted on speaking with you very good and seen wow very good but i was i went to the director and i was like so am i a bit nervous when i am i do am i afraid of being in trouble like what's the how am i what's my what's my emotion behind the line and he was like it's a fucking line bro yeah work it out just i thought it was a comedy comes out no it's going to be a great film i can't wait he just be like he's full of dark

film and you're just like, what's the deal? Full Jerry Seinfeld impression. But it's, it was, it was fun to be on set. Yeah. Fun to be on set. It takes a long time to film. One line. Six hours.

I didn't, it was a lot of, talking was done by the other characters. Yeah, okay. So we just going to sit around. But I was just watching. Did that food? Jackpot. It's like a pork, stir fry. Oh.

They had, they had this like Jamaican fish. Cinnamon Scrolls. Bam. To the catering team. I was like, Bravo. Chef's kiss. Yeah,

I was like, this is sense. And guess what? They had caught his cordial. And I feel like, none for him. Yes, one line.

You have to have a minimum of two lines. I was, I was like, you were like, yeah, I was like, this is gonna have some more. And I'm like,

of course. You know when you eat something for so long, it tastes a bit shit. Yeah. Whereas I would, so I think the other actors were like,

oh, it's fucking pork stir fry again. Whereas I was like, hmm. This is amazing. like snacks. Yes. Oh, that's such an American thing.

They had chippies, they had Eminem's. Oh, that's so good. Yeah, it's great. Very good. Great. Thank you. See it. Well, I can't wait to not see it.

I just want to watch your line because I don't do horror. I don't know if you noticed, but I'm a big old skater cat. Yeah, I don't do horror. I'm not going to watch it. I will watch it. I love those parodies of people being like what they should have done that. And they're like, we should just stay one more night. They're like, why would we do that?

Let's go home. Right. Anyway, onwards with housekeeping, my favourite segment. Matt, there's more breaking news. Breaking news. What have you got? Do you think people will start listening to us? For their news updates?

Yeah. We could do a separate news podcast. That's another story. It's just social media news. Sorry, yeah. Breaking news. A mother over in Florida in America has given birth to a record breaking baby. How much does that baby work?

way, do you reckon? What's normal? I have no idea. Nine inches? I don't know. I have no idea. Someone said to my friend had a baby the other day and he was like, yeah, it was X this and this many pounds. I was like, what does any of that mean? I don't, I don't take note of the details. I think back in the day, they're like, how many pounds? What is she? Yeah. Whereas I think poppy was, I think she was three and a half. You could be wrong or you could be right. I think she was three and a half. People are like, how much did she weigh? And I'm like, I don't know.

And they're like, what? And I'm like, I don't know how much she weighed. They're like, he's wrong with you. Imagine if we spoke about adults like that. It's like, oh, just with Matt. How much does he wear? Give me his dimensions. Immediately.

I want to know how long he was. How big was his head? So conference was. Yeah. Have a guess. Okay, so I think three and a half was poppy. I want to say, is that kilos or pounds? That was kilos?

Three and a half kilos. That's not right. I've taken shits bigger than that. I don't doubt that at all. I want to say his baby was, I'll say double that, I'll say seven. 40-year-old mom, Daniela,

shout out to Daniela for pushing this bad boy out, had a C-section. I take that back, to pull out the baby a nun who weighed a record. How much? six point three kilos you were close that's six again i don't know that is that big it must be big what's a record breaking the Guinness world record reports that the heaviest baby born to to a healthy mother just add that in there was a boy weighed 10.2 kilos who was born in italy 1955 that's a lot of

pasta that is a lot of that is a lot of pasta wow six three that's got you got to be happy with that if you're the mom right like that's a badge of honor six points to push yeah well again didn't push it it out but still hey hey hey still carrying that around carrying that around that's like a bowling ball imagine a bowling ball yeah imagine that weighing you down fucking and what point during that pregnancy they were like this is going to get heavy yeah when do they start to say hey we want to manage your expectations here this thing is going to fucking way it's going to weigh you down it's going to be a fucking giant baby that is big i think anywhere over fire kilos is a decent, a decent effort.

I love how we have no idea about weight. And now we're like, you know, everything over five kilos and you know you're on to an absolute zinger. Yeah, it's huge. Just for context, man. Please, please. I want to just give you some items that do weigh the same. Okay.

For the listener as well. That is, say, around six kilos. A vacuum cleaner. Sure. Imagine carrying around a vacuum cleaner for like three months. Probably one of those old, what do they call them? Hoover. A hoover. That's a hoover.

Six pineapples. Spikey. A mini fridge. Fuck off. Mini fridge. Define mini fridge. Yeah, how many are we talking? Six kilos mini, I guess.

Right. Is it Daniela? Daniel, what a woman. Three MacBook pros. And the last one, a bowling ball. Yeah. That is big. Anyway. Congratulations. You wouldn't want to push that out, would you?

You don't have to... Medically, you'd recommend C-section. I wonder it, because the other one was 10.2 kilos in 195. That wouldn't have been a C-section. When was a C-section invented now? It'd be like the day after. What? Wait, what?

The first documented C-section was in the 1500s. What? Yeah. Did they have epidurals? It was done by Julius Caesar. That's how they. They got the Caesar salad. So they name the Caesar's?

I don't know. I made that part out. Very good. Wow. I've got a hack for you. Oh, I like that. I like the sound of that. Just quickly, be like last little note in housekeeping.

We have had this sent through by Sheree. And she's got a hack. We love a hack. What do we love more than any type of hack? Eating. Food. Dinner. The kid.

Oh, God. I feel like a food salesman in my own house. How do I? You're going to love this dish. Go, go on, give it to me. I think this is very good. Hey, hey, I hope you don't mind a voice message. It's much quicker than typing.

So our dinnertime hack with three little boys is three different sizes of dessert. And whoever finishes first gets to choose, then the next person gets to choose, and then the next person gets stuck with the smallest, obviously. So, yeah, we're not sitting around at the table for an hour. None of that. Oh, my God. That's genius. Oh my God.

Yeah. Okay, my only issue with this, and I'd love to speak to Shari, if you're listening, answer this question, please. Do you have a meltdown because Lola is a slow, slow, slow eater? Yeah. Marley is a faster eater. Is there a handicap system?

Is there a handicap? Like, do you start one child first, so it's more of an even race? Because I would worry that Lola, when she figures out that she's like halfway through and she looks at the meal, she looks at her plate, looks at Miley's plate, she goes, fuck, I'm not going to win this one.

Marley's got, she's like flying ahead. You have to separate them. Yeah. Okay, but don't you, but you also want them to be like feeding off each other. No pun intended. You sure? Yeah, that's a good counter question.

Do your kids, when they know they're going to lose, do they either forfeit the race or do they have a meltdown? Yeah, because I just go with the, if you finish, you get, you get a, one. of these old school oh so macy's like still think she's getting it when he doesn't eat so she she'll melt down every night last night i know and you she's got half a bowl left and you're like just one more mouthful i know i gave the just lick the pasta and i'll give you a treat i know that's right just look at it for three seconds and it's yours fuck it it's yours i know yeah exactly right and

like last night i was like you're gonna eat this chicken she's like no i'm like give it to the dog and then gave it to the dog she was finished a cucumber the lord and save you of every meal and she goes can I have a treat I was like what do you think she was like I ate it all I was like no no no no the fucking dog is eating a drumstick right now literally look down there let's eat the dog bowl the dog's eating it right now you ate the cucumber you're not getting it and she's like what are you talking about she's yeah what's I know but the cucumber I know and then if I try and introduce something new I'm like a fucking car salesman again do you what I sometimes say what this is my little hack okay okay I think I'm so full you'll dive

you don't eat, no, yeah, go. I'm so full. I cannot eat another mouthful. I couldn't possibly, so if you can't eat another mouthful, what hope in hell do you have of eating any dessert? If you're that full that you can't eat me more, then I don't want to put you through the ordeal of trying to eat dessert.

Fair, that is fair. And the kids are like, fuck, it's got me. But then it's also a bit confusing where I'm like, so eat more and then you get dessert. You're like, what? Yeah. Anyway, it's a minefield, but that's pretty. good i think turning anything into a competition is usually work especially when you got

boys she said she said how many three boys three boys there you go well that that's going to be you're really setting actually if i'm going to get real deep here you're really setting up for a very competitive household down the track yes which i don't know they might be into that anyway that's the end of housekeeping i don't know if you saw the other day on my socials uh put a little picture up of oscar in his jiu jitsu outfit because we had grading what is just really quickly what is grading i'm not we don't do contact sport we are ballet dancers my end so what's what's what's what's jitzy grading what is that so they get together on on a on a day called the grading day which is they do it in like age groups right so there's like

four to once a year every term i'm not sure yet sorry i apologize i'm not sure yet which i'll find out but essentially what happens is there's four till seven in age group yeah groups then there's like eight to 13 and then it goes from 13 into whatever so we did there obviously oscar's six so he falls in four to seven so the four to seven and then there's the slightly older kids do it at the same time so what they do it's kind of because when you go you don't it's a drop and go situation you're not allowed to stop and watch normally or on grading day not on a normal lesson so oscar goes upstairs to the class i don't see anything he does the first time he goes i get to watch but then the other time.

Why do they do that, do you think? Is that, distrax the kids? Yeah, one, and then maybe people have a little bit like, of a, like, I don't want... Hit him! Yeah. I don't want you watching my kid. You know, that sort of thing. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know that nuts and bolts of it. But anyway. So it was an opportunity for them to, they do. They all get there at a certain time. They do, like, the warm up they would do as a big group. And you get to watch and see the sort of things they do. Is you an outfit or is you wearing free clothes? No, it's full, full, full kit.

What's the kit cost? It's a few hundred. What? Yeah. For the kit. Yeah. It's like a 90. It's a robe, isn't it?

No, no, it's a kimono. Oh, sorry. How rude of me? Yes. Very rude of you. It's like special pants. They've got like a special shirt with the jacket and the belt that goes around. Wouldn't you say special?

It's like special to martial arts. Like, it's not like you don't just walk in with your, leather jacket, be like, hey, it's special. Just like, that's a lot of money. It is a lot of money, but I'll tell you right now. Someone's making a lot of money here. Because I don't get to watch him, I don't really get to see what he's up to. Can I just say, different kid, completely different kid.

It is unbelievable the amount of self-control. He sat there for an hour and a half, still, sat still for an hour and a half. Is my kid breathing? Yeah, I was like. like what the hell I've lost Oscar I can't find him and I was talking to the head teacher yesterday and he was like he was like

people don't understand people just think it's a martial arts a contact sport right which it is and there's a lot of technique and all this stuff that goes into it but he was like people don't understand how good it is for your kid the discipline the discipline

I couldn't believe it I was like what and then they called him up they were calling everyone up and that's the thing right when it comes to like award shows or remember award assemblies at school and it was like fucking get on with it yeah if i'm not getting anything i don't fucking care right and you're like you know especially a six year old

sitting still for an hour and a half is unheard of oh yeah like you're one by one plucking the kids out you're on time out you're on time out other kids that weren't that were like not quite as focused and i was like what the heck's going on here and then they call they call you out and like the thing is you got you get stripes before your belt goes up in color so you get amount of stripes. Don't ask me. I don't know how many. How did you know I was going to ask that?

I just could tell. And I always said a day, but I'm like, Don't ask. Yeah, I'll be like, before I tell you this, I'm going to tell you all the information that I have. Just so we're clear, you don't ask me any questions. Don't dig. Yeah.

No digging. Put the shuttle down. For the time I finish this sentence, you'll know as much as me. That's fair, right? Okay, sorry. Okay, so when I finish this, you'll be as clued in as I am. Anyway, so then they go, they give you the stripes.

And then, so they start with the lower grading before they go into like the kids are like, um, the black belt. Well, they're not quite there. It's sort of like, there's a lot of colors before. It's a lot. Yeah, yeah. And then they're sort of rattling off, who's up, who's up. And then they called Oscar.

Kid just got up, walked over, shook all their hands, got his thing, turned around, posed for a photo. went back and sat down. No, like, no... Like a little ninja. Yeah, none of this, shake his hand. Come on, shake his hand. Smile for the phone. None of that shit that I'm doing it.

Any other situation. Do you think they've just been like teaching the kids that process the whole year? Don't watch the classes. Well, he did all the warm up and stuff. Oh, so we can't actually fight. Yeah, and it was doing the thing. And I was like, yeah, so I was just,

and then I was, yeah, I was talking to the teacher yesterday. And he was like, it's, He's a style pupil and you're like, my Oscar? No. Who? He was like, it's crazy that like, it's the misconception around the martial arts with kids. It's like, oh, my kid fighting. The discipline is unbelievable.

Sounds like you're in a cult. The misconception. All you have to do is pay a one-off fee and then every month after that. All their heads are shaved. It's weird. No, but yeah, anyway, so shout out to Pacheco Jiu-Jitsu for straightening the boy out. Because I can't believe And he's like frothing

Yes I took him back For his normal clad Into it Comes down Beating up kids upstairs Bloody loves it Are you gonna go next year Resigned?

Oh he'll continue Yeah Marley's like I never want to dance again And I'm like I've just That's a bit dramatic I just spent like a hundred bucks

On your like concert outfit Tomorrow I've got to take it to rehearsal Then the Saturday morning is the concert And she's like I hate dance And I'm like you people are like don't force your kids into things I don't like she she was obsessed yeah oh yeah that like there's something that's happened you need to get to the nuts involved

is it the ballet I don't know do I put her into like interpretive jazz hip hop try martial arts I was I was playing with them yesterday I was doing scrum like touch and pause engage they love that yeah yeah I was thinking that I was like yeah yeah because I watched Oscar so Oscar goes with Lenny, which is his little mate. And when we were away the other weekend, Oscar and Lenny were playing footy in the backyard. Just one v1, classic kid stuff. And you could tell it was getting heated.

And I was like, well, this is how we settle this. A fight. But I was like, not quite blatantly like that. To the mothers, you're like, don't worry. I've got this. I've got this. Here's a knife, Billy. I was like, at first I was like, do you guys need to fight this out?

and Oscar was like, yeah. Oh, because it's just, he's got his double stripe. He's like, before that. Ash, get my Komoto. But Lenny's in the same class. Lenny's how I was like, what don't we jiu-jitsu this out? Literally, Oscar leg swoops Lenny, right?

Ash, you can't do that outside. You're meant to be teaching him discipline. Otherwise, it's harmless. He'll start leg sweeping kids in the playground. No, it's harmless. I said to him, you don't do this unless it's in the correct control environment. Do you kids need to fight this out? That's pretty much what I said, yeah.

Anyway, he legs swooped it. And Lenny is a bigger kid. And because of the weight, he changed the weight distribution, flipped and landed on top of Lenny, on top of him. And I was like, whoa! Now I'm scared in my own home. I'm like, I've got these little ninja kid running around my house. Oscar's found his calling, which is great.

Well, the teacher's like he's built for this. See? Okay, me now, I don't know if it's a dad thing, but anything my kids do that, somehow closely relates to a sport like if they climb a tree I'm like, oh, she's a gymnast. I'm like rock climber.

I'm trying to like look at anything they do the way they behave, the way they move and I'm just cross-referencing it against sport to try and like, she jumps in the pool and I'm like, Olympic diver. Yeah, straight up. You're going to the Olympics. 2050, you're going to be there.

Yeah, I was like having a little wrestler with Lola and I was like, she can be in wrestling? Yeah, rugby is. Lola could be in rugby, to be fair. I think she could. Yeah, it's my job, it's my duty to find out what my kid's passion is. Whatever it's not sport. And that's fine.

Is it? That's absolutely. Okay. Whether it's arts and crafts. Extreme arts and crafts. Oh, anyway, that's what I'm dealing with. Ash. Yeah.

I've had like some weird experiences lately in the park. Parks, plural. You really shouldn't be there in the middle of the night with your pants off. For starters. I know what you're about. That makes it. Laura, I'm going for a walk. Yeah, looking for the pregnant women with their feet out.

Don't. Come on. Bring that belly over here. It's a classic line from you. People don't understand. People who may be joining us for the first time. Matt's got a pregnancy kink. No.

There you go. No. Solved any confusion. You're the one who had the information about feet rubs increasing love by 23%. That was Instagram. Will you just feed me information that you think I want to hear? Yeah. Well, the algorithms are you picking up on what we're talking about

and you said, bring that belly and feed over here. No, I've had two things that have been weird. Okay, one was, I was at the park the other day, and it was a Sunday quite busy in the park, nice day outside, see a few kids out there playing. Really set the same for me, I'm liking this.

And there was a section where there was a sandpit. Okay. I want to say there was about six kids scattered throughout this area. worst things to sandpits. These are terrible. Terrible. And down at Bondi Beach, there's always a few birds around. Can I, before we keep going, can I just run a really quick idea by you?

Absolutely. Kinetic sand. Boom. Just let that sit down. What does that mean? You know the kinetic sand, a scientific sand that all sticks together and it forms a shape? Yeah. Make that into a sand pit.

That way doesn't come home with you. Stays with its sand fellow friends. I don't think I've ever been in contact with a kinetic sandpit. Well, there isn't one. I mean this is an idea I've got very good thank you we should start

in Bondi we only have kinetic sand we're gonna go down for a seafood Naranara and some kinetic sand play what do you call this oh that's kinetic sand why's it coloured

what do you have here on the northern beaches white sand ugh very good so this kid I want to say she was about six years old she was like

you know looking at the pigeons a couple of pigeons about because you know kids have snacks the corn thins it's like a feeding frenzy it's a buffet for birds a buffet yes

and next thing I look down and she's caught a pigeon who this has this child she's holding the pigeon and the pigeon is gone nuts of pigeon

it's like flapping about oh my god and this chick is just like as calm as can be just like holding it and then eventually the bird flies away and she's holding like a tuft of feathers.

Oh, I hope she washed her hands. And then the mother got up and I was like, okay, how's the mother going to react here? And the mother was like telling her what she did wrong, how to catch another one. Was it Terry Owen? What the fuck? What? Weird, isn't it? Strange.

Okay. I was like, what? Did she not, did she stalk the pigeon prior? No, well, I think she didn't even have any bait. The pigeons were just so comfortable around the presence of kids because I think after a while they'd been eating and that they were like nothing here is non-threatening. Have you ever caught a bird? No.

It's fucking hard. Do you know why? Because they fly. This kid and the mother was like... This is a sport. And all the parents in the park were looking around like, what the fuck? I know. I wonder what sport her dad's trying to push it towards.

Yeah. Right? I was like, what is going on? I'm like, Bondi Beach of all places. Not amongst the kinetic sand. And then the second thing that happened to me. A few days later. At the park.

The one down here, down the road. So it's where it's like a few roads meet up, but then there's a park in the middle. How do you think that park came about? I wonder that, yeah. Because there's all these roads that lead to a dead-end road. It's like a five-way intersection. That town plan was like, you know what, just put a park there.

Roundabout, no, stupid. Kinetic sand on the park. So random. So I'm riding through on the electric bike. And what I'm very aware of is I'm going through a footpath. I don't want to be one of those people that goes too fast. There's young kids. And also, are you allowed to ride your bike on footpath?

I'm not sure. Probably not. Should I dismount? Maybe. Nah. But I just go, I'm going like under 10Ks very slowly. I'm going through very considerate to the other people. So I enter the park on the footpath, going very slowly.

ahead of me about 15 meters is a young child and he's holding a water pistol. Okay. I'm not sure if you've seen the semi-automatic water pistols. Are they the ones that TikTok keeps trying to push to me? It's like, shut up. He had one.

I thought that one, mate. I thought it was AI. Dude, so buy one. They're great. So he's shooting kids, right? As I'm approaching, he looks up. He looks up.

because I go ding ding he looks up locks eyes with me and he goes and for those wondering I'm using finger guns finger gun pointed directly at ash and I was like surely the sort of kid's not going to shoot me

little shit fucking hit me do you know what he needs jujitsu that's what that fucking kids needs I was getting sprayed how old was this kid I want to say he was about five

and he knew what he was doing and then there was beyond him was a dad and I was kind of looking at the dad as I'm getting shot and then as I go past the kid the dad goes not my kid

I just don't take any I was like probably was his child I thought he was going to be like but good shooting son archery it is but also like the have like the promotion of guns in at like at for a truck there's no guns in my house no guns

no other than you either than the the the fly gun the Nerf gun oh do we did have a Nerf gun face there yeah but a semi-automatic water pistol no no no no someone could drown I had cycled beyond away from the park being like like should I have should I have hopped it off but I was like I've been attacked you're a bit hurt yeah I was drenched that's fair Fair enough. That's rogue children.

What's wrong with them? What is wrong with them? What is absolutely wrong with these kids? Speaking of water. Please. We went to the zoo the other day. Okay. Okay.

And we all know one of the better shows is what? Bluey. The Seal Show. You had that in the chamber. Ready to go. No, because we went to the zoo that time up near the Central Coast and they had meet Bluey at the zoo. Do you remember? That was a reptile.

parks different. It's a zoo. Reptile park and zoo. It's cut from the same book. They wanted a point of difference, okay? So they put reptile park on front of it. You know, the reptiles weren't enough for the kids. So they had blueie there. So I thought, please. Big scary blueie on stage. So a very good show at Taronga Zoo is the seal show. Is the seal show? And it's, someone would say it's iconic. Marley went when she went to after school care for the holidays. They took them. They took them to the zoo and she loved the seal. Oh, it's great show. Raving about it. Brilliant. There's a section of the seal show, though. which is about conservation

and what not to do. Yeah. And it's sad music. What's the song I'm thinking of? You know that I built a home song? What is it? I built a home. I built a home for you.

This one. I'm getting goosebumps. Okay, yeah, yeah. That song. So it's quite a sad song. They want you to pay attention. They play that song? song and the seal reenacts

what would happen. Who was producing this seal show at the zoo? Steven Spielberg. Stephen Silberg. Oh! Oh my God! If they don't have a seal at Tarong Zoo named Steven Silberg, I am going to

protest. Anyway, they had that part of the show where a seal sort of, because they're very smart animals, Matthew. They're also related to the dog. What? Yeah, you're learning heaps. Yeah.

Right. Anyway, they're saying what can happen if you litter in the ocean. It's quite a moving piece to most except for Macy. What happened? She didn't quite understand the context. So she was like, this is boring. Out loud. Yeah.

Because everyone's quiet. Yeah. You can hear a pin drop. We're all in awe of the. first of all of the talent that this seal has and the directive the directive they've received from Stephen Silberg the music choice and the message behind it yeah it's great which is meant to be like a engaging learning moment heartfelt and macy was like can i pick a song fucking jesus christ and she was like this is the same macy that whilst you were in fiji

of Vanuatu looking at a tribe Oh, eating Oreos Eating Oreos Yeah, and there's these poor starving children Okay, take that bad Not starving, they eat off the land Different Makesies, they go

Yeah, asking for the Wi-Fi I've created monsters You have! So she's sitting on my lap Anyway, she's so bored With the whole thing She's kicking the people in front of her Yeah, the notable note was like

Let's wrap us up Yeah, literally like get on with it! I was like, Jesus Christ. What did you do? Well, there's nothing I could do. We just had to endure it. Because then when you're like, come on, you've got to be quiet, honey.

That's what I was like. They're like, don't tell me what to do you. Yeah. It kicks off. And it gets to the end where they're talk about where you should shop for fish, right? Well, like what you should look out for when shopping fish, which is like the emblem on the fish packet. So it's a renewable source. It's not from a farm fished fucking blah, blah, blah, blah.

I had no idea. No, you do. It gets really quiet like that. and then everyone's sort of like quiet thinking about the situation and Macy just bites down on a rice cracker and I was like, who got me with the ricecracker? She got it from Oscar. Anyway, she was just like, and then an upbeat music song came on. She was like, yeah.

No! Back in her. Now we're back. Where are the mermaids? She said, and I was like, for fuck's sake. Anyway, that's my insensitive daughter. Can't take her anywhere. You can't, no.

Ash, it is time for... Tell me lies. Tell me sweet little lies. Tell me lie. Tell me lie. I'll go first. I got one from Monica. You go first, because I've got my own that I saw, that I've stumbled across that I thought.

You've got a lie. I'm not going to take credit for it, but I've just noticed it. Credit away, man. All right, I will. For those of you who are just joining us for the first time, potentially new listeners, parenting lies, the lies that,

like little white lies, that we tell our kids. Victimless. To just make parenting a little bit easier because it is the hardest job in the world. Well said. Other than training seals. Steven Spielberg.

How do you reckon seal trainers must be great parents? Oh, they'd be outstanding. Although, I don't know if children would like raw fish. There he is. Might be confusing. Ashwicks, everybody. This one is from Monica And she says

Her kids are obsessed with the TV Aren't they all? I'm still obsessed and I'm in my 30s But when it comes time to turning it off She becomes the bad guy And a huge meltdown follows This is, you're just taking snapshots to my life So she has started to turn the TV

Sleep timer on for 15 or 30 minutes And tells the kids that the TV will turn off When it needs to rest otherwise it won't turn on next time. So now, when the TV turns itself off, the kids just accept it, that it's tired, they go about their day, no tantrums, I'm no longer the bad guy, she says,

and they worry that if they watch it for too long, it'll get too tired and stop working. Genius. Win, win. I love that. I've got a similar version to that, but it's with April, because she falls asleep in front of the TV in the bedroom,

but I've set the timer because what happens is she falls asleep. and she doesn't know how the TV turns off. And I'm just like, oh, I don't know either. I've got the time around. How long do you think she lasts in bed? Watching TV. Oh, how long do you like? Good save.

Thank you. Ages. No. Um, oh, the time is like 45 minutes or something. And she's always asleep. And she's out. And she's out. She's out.

She's out. It's very dad-esque of her. Love of my life. I'm still watching it. She complains that her pillows. too comfy. Good problem to have. What's your lie?

My lie. So I stumbled across, I stumbled across, because we just had Halloween, which we know the kids get lollies, candy. This will come out. Yeah, yeah, this is a week ago, but this is just really quick. Sure. But I saw that everyone sort of like... Just doing this.

Sorry, the reference Halloween. Yes. So it's a Halloween, right? A couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago. We just had it. hate it. Sorry, start fresh, sorry. Okay.

Far out. As we know, a couple of weeks ago, we had Halloween. Shut up. Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth right now. We just had Halloween in the undisclosed amount of time ago. Is that better? Does that work for you? Well, people, people.

What do I just leave a blank spot? You can add, two weeks. For people who may not know, we record this, a week in advance. I think we've already, we already spilt the beans. Yeah, but we've got the new listeners, bro. The new listeners. Oh, my God. Okay, so I saw from the other week when we had Halloween, does that work for you? Thank you, good, because it works for me. And I saw a video of a lady going through her kids' candy bucket to be safe, but I realized she was going through it to check if there was any poison. But she was picking out one particular chocolate.

that was in their kids' basket because she wanted it. That's very good. Because she's like, oh, this one's got poison. This one's got poison. This one. Oh, there's poison in that one. It's like the Mars bars. It's really poisonous that one.

So that I thought that was genius. Very, very good. I tried to implement it. There's too many lollipops in that. Anyway, that's my lie. I just thought it's funny. Speaking of Halloween, which may have been two, three weeks ago.

I fucking woke up and I was like God the kids are quiet just chowing down on their chocolate and lollies and I was like you guilty motherfuckers aren't they I walk in the room and they're like hello their father and I was like what are you guys doing and they're like hands behind their back

sitting on their bed oh nothing the coloured tongue yeah gets them every time we're just reading stories where are the books and I was like you guys are so dumb I actually I know I actually April actually got in trouble here

because it was so late we were late for bed and late for everything already for some reason I don't know but she had she had said if you're you'll eat or you can have something out of your bucket and I said nope

I said no no no no no no no because April would toddle off to bed and I'll get stuck with these fucking kids high on sugar. High on sugar that makes two of us and I was like no tomorrow you can tomorrow at a reasonable time you can and April was like, April was like, okay, okay.

Bad cop, actually. Anyway, I went for a shower, I came back and, no, Oscar came, it said something to me. Tongue was blue. Idiot. I said to April, I was like, you didn't give him any of their lollies, did you? I was like, no. I was like, why is Oscar's tongue blue then? Genius.

He just comes over and sighs kicks you up. Shut up, Dad. I know. Anyway. I can't wait for the lolly bucket to be gone. Ash, we have two questions. Okay, yes. Ash, these questions, they've actually been pulled, pulled from the Facebook group.

Which is just, it's a great place to be. It really is. It is. Never had an angry or upset parent off spending time in the Facebook group. We spam them. No, I'm just kidding. This is from Nayli. Nailey.

That's a huge. Unique name. Isn't it? I've never heard that before. I've never met a Neelie. Nay Lee. Nay Lee. It's good to have you here, Neely.

She says, baby on board sign for the car. I don't have one and wondering if I should. So I'm warning people's thoughts. What's the purpose? First of all, do you have a baby that's in that car? Good point. That's your first. That's my first question.

That's just like, make sure you meet the criteria. Do you think they're like, ask for proof when you buy a baby sign? They're like, show as a kid. You're like, that's not yours. Damn it! That's a dog. That's a dog.

Get out. Do you know why they have baby signs on cars? No. Is it because you got a baby in the car? That could be the obvious one. I always thought it was, I thought it was like an arrogance. I don't know, like... A flex?

I can procreate. Look at me! We had sex. The person driving this car is someone who has sex. I'm a sex haver. Over here, I am one of them. I have proof It is actually the only proof you do have

Unless you're in porn And if you're in porn with kids You've got two types of ID You hit the hundred points of ID I just thought it was like I don't know I thought it was just because you're so proud You've had a child

You're like I'm a proud sex habit You want to scream it from the hilltops I never thought about that way I just thought There's a baby in this car But then I also look at it I'm thinking

what do you as someone who does just say someone who doesn't have a baby in the car sees your car with a baby on board sign what's the expectation of me then and I don't go oh shit I better slow down fuck off I'm looking around that car anymore yeah don't I might just ease up a little bit I it's like don't tell me what to do starters I did think that as well like should I not drive too close or maybe maybe it's like a learner sign you know how you give them a bit of can you use it as part of like telling someone off in the road like oh I have a baby on board that's what I thought maybe what is the real reason well i i looked at i thought someone told me this reason but then i

looked it up and it's like officially not a reason but i always thought i think it was the first aid class that i went to that people would put the baby on board sign so that if you're in a crash and the first responders come over and say there's been like a six car pile up and they're like who do we which car do we go first who do they prioritize Yeah. I've got a counter argument though on that. The baby. So they're like, oh, baby on board sign. We'll get this car. We'll save the baby first. Okay. Is that the actual reason? Someone said that.

That's what someone told me. I'm going to debunk that real quick. Go on. And this is why. We did have one. The thing barely sticks to the window. If it, an accident, it's not going to be visible anymore. It would fall when I put the boot down.

So I just ditched it. That's where are you buying your signs from? The old classic baby on board sign shop. There's a, you got to like, you got to get. franchise and man you got to get you're buying the budget signs bro okay not that's what that's what you get all of all of us have uh yeah you don't don't don't come at me with that because you know i'm going to come back with you and you can't put a price on safety for your kids bro apparently you can but anyway go they say it's not official because i just look to see where the baby seats

are that's apparently so okay what's the okay what's the actual well that's i i i before we started this record i was like i'm going to tell you exactly why but then as soon as we started recording. I looked and it was like, actually, it's not official. So there's no official legalities behind it. There's nothing behind it. It's all like, it's like, essentially it's a bumper sticker. Is that we're saying? It's a brag. You were right.

Oh my God. All right. Matt's the stumble across something. Sounds groundbreaking. So apparently, this is coming from a paramedic. Apparently they would assess the situation. They wouldn't prioritize a baby. So if someone's in like a burning car,

and like, help! And there's a car that's just like up on the curb and there's a baby sign they're not going to go we'll get the baby first they won't do that they will not one second we'll get the baby first because they're more important yeah please be quick i'm burning alive right now i know fully yeah oh right here patiently as i burn okay sorry yeah baby first that would that would that would is it me or is it hot in here they would give me turn the egg on and shut up put yourself out there's a baby that's unharmed over there We need to get that baby out.

Sorry, forgive me. They've got much longer to live anyway. So apparently, yeah, whoever needs the medical attention is who gets it. Thank heavens. No, thank goodness. Thank goodness the paramedics know what's going on. There's some guy just been like, I'm a sex have-a. So you know.

All right. I got a question, Matt. So maybe it is just the like... It's a flex. Well, whoever fucking came up with a sign, they must be worth millions. It's like those my first. Family stickers. Remember those ones?

What are they about? They were just like, That's a flex. That was a flex. But like, why would you want to brag about how many kids you've got? Yeah. It's like,

I'm a haunt. It's like going to the, it's like going to war. Like if you go like, you know, it's a badge. If you're going to like active service in like Afghanistan, you get like a little badge,

you know, it's like that's essentially what you get but in family form. There's a bunch of veterans out there going, how dare you? It's what different. I'm not making comparison between raising a child and going to like an active war zone. It's pretty similar.

Instead of like, instead of shells, it's shit. So it's similar. I don't want to laugh. Unless we forget. I have another question from the Facebook group, believe it or not,

thriving. It's thriving. We hit 4,000 members. Do you remember when we first launched that Facebook group and we sat on 20 members for like six months and we were like Should we delete it? Yeah. Hey goodness we didn't.

The day one is the day one of the die hard as I call them. Where are they now? Reach out. We want to hear from you. They're now grandparents. All right. So this one is around specifically Christmas. So this one's from Crystal.

Hey Crystal. Crystal with a K? Crystal with a K. It's all in capital. So it was a Crystal! Who's putting up the Christmas tree? Is it time already? Now Halloween's over.

Okay. Do you put the Christmas tree up now or is there a lag time between now? When do you put it up? That's the question. That's Crystal's question. There are two ways of answering this question. Matt before kids and Matt after kids. Matt before kids would have said, you're crazy if you put the Christmas tree up outside

of December. I thought like December 1, kind of following the Advent calendar four weeks before Christmas, you follow that rule. Okay. But now that I'm a parent, okay, there is no greater reminder to the kids to behave. Very true. Then to have the Christmas tree as a signal that is just announcing that Santa is always watching.

Okay. Okay. Very valid point. I think rather than having to say, don't forget, Christmas is coming up. The kids are misbehaving, you've got the Christmas tree, I just point straight out of it. I'm with you. All right, Timmy?

Good point. Keep that shit up. You're not getting anything under that tree. They are messy, though. And the set up. Are you getting a real tree? Get the plastic one. Yeah, plastic one.

There's little things they fall off. They're everywhere. What the, the little... Ornaments or the leaves? The little tiny little green... That are fake leaf things. Are you buying a Christmas tree from the same shop

that you get the baby signs from? Yeah. They stick to the back of the car. My tree is disintegrating. If it was up to me, I would put it up Christmas Eve. But... But I'm coming...

Stop. stop it i'm coming from a family we didn't have a christmas yeah i know yeah so i'm bending the rules here if it was really up to me if i was going to be completely honest with you fuck it off you need no because you need to you can use this to your advantage my guy no i'm going to stick with yelling you can you can use the christmas tree is like it's essentially a security camera for your kids to make them behave I was going to say It's more like an authoritarian figure in the house

In the corner Yeah Yeah But also It's like the judge You may as well have Santa Claus I just hate putting it up And taking it down

Because it always ends up being my fucking problem I was like we're going to do it I'm like Oh god Where means me Don't you do it with the kids They're interested in it For about 10 seconds

And then they're like I'm moving on from this Yeah What is the rule? We don't know Okay what's the rule When do you take it down Whoa

I have been I have been looking at the houses and being like taking note of who quickly took down the Halloween decorations and who's still got it next day I woke up

in the houses around the neighbourhood who were these freaks who were the freaks who were the freaks that are taken down decorations the day after a calendar event takes place how do they

is that being stored is I put in the bin yeah do you store it so many questions I think and I pitched this idea to you last year because I don't like the setup and put down of Christmas tree.

I would say a pop-up Christmas tree that's already pre-set. You can kind of get like the umbrella ones. Yeah, but like I mean like a bit more realistic than just like... Oh, sorry. And you wrap it in something. You wrap it in something. Can't suggest anything with you.

And then you just go like that and you pull a tab and it goes, fing! That's a lovely tree. I think they have them. Do they? Yeah. Actually, speaking of Christmas, I know that we're not in December, but I would like to get into the Christmas spirit early.

Yay. And by doing that, I want to hear about your funny disasters of stories about Christmas. Mine or the listeners? Listeners. Okay. I don't want yours. I do like a good disaster story. So if you have any little nuggets that you want to get off your shit, you have any little nuggets that you want to get off your chest.

Oh, yeah. They can be anonymous. Yeah. Send it in. Either DM us or hello at two dottingdads.com. Anything awkward too. I like awkward stories. Oh, yeah.

Like family like because you don't see. Family blowups. Uncle Rick. comes in... With his new girlfriend. Whoa. But please, send them in. Ideally, what I would like is Uncle Rick comes in with his new girlfriend

who has the same name as his ex-wife. Oh! That's the sort of shit I want to hear. Yes, please. Ash. Yes. That is... That is time.

That is time. I'm calling time on this episode. Thank God. If you have enjoyed this episode, you know, I did a poll, Ash. This is a life-on car. I did a poll. And I said, where do you feel?

find new podcasts guess what the number one answer was it was hearing it from a friend okay tell your friends then that is so that leads to my request to the listeners right now if you genuinely hand on heart oh my god have enjoyed any episode one of the 187 episodes of two doting dads tell someone tell anyone or you could just go on to social media and go to two doting dads, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and YouTube. I thought we were going to stop begging.

No, because... Is that bluff? No, I'll stop begging at the end of the year. Up until Christmas. Okay, all right. I will back. Also, Christmas present to me, you'll stop begging.

Yes. And then also, if you enjoyed it, if you liked it, is a review. Subscribe. Do you get that. A couple of comments, couple stars.

That's all it takes. All right, I'm hungry. Let's go. Okay, we'll see you guys next week. I'm trying to string this episode out. We will see. See ya. Two doting dads podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia

and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.