Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #186 How do you like them apples!?

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

If you’re into ASMR of people eating apples then this episode is for you… Ash has an incredible trick with an apple that accidentally aroused his wife. He’s also got a new tattoo… and it’s big .. but he maintains it’s not the size that matters ;) Matt has been lashing out at random strangers again - last week it was a van driver, this week’s it’s a photographer he’s set his anger on but was it is mis-directed this time? Perhaps the festive season is getting to him early. And speaking of festive - we hear more of your hilarious Christmas fails including the Dad who forgot to pack any presents when the went away Christmas. Let’s just say Santa got lost for some kids that year. ‘Tis the season to let loose, indulge and dive into the holidays, stomach first. ALDI’s great quality range at affordable prices means you can stretch your pants without stretching your budget. Go on, it’s Christmas. See the full range at aldi.com.au/christmas-at-ALDI If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

You did a photo dump on Sunday. Ah, and you went in it. 18 photos. Yeah, and you're not in it? 18. My plan has worked perfectly. Oh, fuck off. You're pretending like you did that on purpose.

I did. I was like, do you know why I pretended like I did on purpose? There's a picture of Laura in there and not you. Just for once. Just take a photo of us. I got to keep you guessing wherever I can. Keep me in the shadows. I've got a special folder for you with your shirt off.

Buddy, hell. Welcome back to two dating dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable.

And one thing is for damn sure. We don't give advice. No. No. But talking about parenting, I reckon quickly, before we get into housekeeping, I have hit peak level dad. Talk to me. There's a couple of things...

That was a big breath. There's a couple of things... Hang on a second. I just suck the shirt off my back. Yes, blues. There's certain things synonymous with being a dad, and one of them is the sneeze. Yep. Now, let me just...

Can I just say... I absolutely love a sneeze. I stop myself from swearing. It's better than sex. Isn't it? If I get a good one... A good couple in a row A good

If you're That'll do me If your nasal's swollen afterwards That's a fucking good sneeze Anyway Let me set the scene This morning It was today

And I was like I wasn't expecting this today I wasn't expecting a sneeze But I'm out Stick with me I'm out on the balcony Hang in the washing out Yeah

What a guy 7 a.m. this morning. Wow. And it came at me hard and fast. Sometimes it's good. And it was so loud and so clear. The neighbourhood dogs started to bark. And I, at first, I thought,

it was like, they all set each other off off the back of it. You know when one dog barks in your neighbourhood? And my dog's in there inside looking at me going, that's my fucking job. what do you think you're doing yeah yeah literally they went off and april wasn't home she was off already on the way to work and i just had no one to gloat to so i've been holding that in all day

and it's what two o'clock in the afternoon and i've been holding that to brag to you about my elite level dadness car alarm was like that's the next goal that's the next level i'm jealous thank you i'm not going to lie you'll get there

I actually want to sneeze right now. I don't have to. I wish I could. I wish I could just like on demand. It's, oh, and it just echoed through the neighborhood. Oh,

it was absolutely brilliant. And the neighbors are like, fucking hell. Yeah, they're like, how old's that guy? He's 30s? What?

He's so advanced. Wow. My nose hasn't even gotten big like an old man yet. You know how to get bigger? It's getting there. Shut up. I'm housekeeping. Ash.

Yes. What do we got? Poppy. Poppy loves being in the carrier. Absolutely loves it. Not huge. doesn't like the pram at the moment doesn't really like going in the cot only at night time

the little side bassinet. I want to be rested up against breast as well, man. Don't we all? Sometimes when she's with me, she's like, hang on a second. There's no tits here. So bony.

What's his spiky shaved hair and chest? Loves it in the carrier. And at the moment, I'm just, I'm clocking up miles, dude. I'm just, my step count is through the roof. I put stories up the other day. Oh, yeah, yeah. The most I've hit,

like 15 and a half thousand steps in a day. Just being around the house. Just like literally just up and down, pacing, dude. Up and down this hallway. Up the stairs. Down the stairs. She just loves a little bit of a head wobble.

No, like squats. I haven't got on to the squats just yet. My quads were massive when I was like a new dad. Is that how you got them so big? That's at the pistons. Yeah. You should, mate. These babies put kids to sleep.

Well, I put a call out and said, is anyone hitting like 20,000 a day? And we do have someone here. Sarah, Facebook group, 20,000 a day. Rebecca, 26,000. What? What's the highest step count you reckon you've had him one day? I don't know. I'd love to find out. I was a little bit, what mine is. A little bit disheartened when all the, like, the professionals started coming out and being like, they're amateur numbers. Yeah. When I work in a 12-hour shift saving lives in hospital ward, son, I was like, they're the

true heroes. At your highest, what do you got? Any rural doctors reach out about their step count? Not yet. No, the rural doctor's very quiet. Actually, the rural doctor's working on a farm. Fuck, they'd be hit like 50,000 a day? No, they'd be like patients come to me. Shout out to all the rural medical staff of this country. The backbone of this. The heroes are the same thing. Same qualification. Your highest step count. I used to work in a factory, another job. Of course you fucking did. Yeah. And it was a really dated way of doing things that they did. What were your housing in the warehouse?

FCS, surfboard fins. Sure. Mate, I would be 35,000 steps a day, five days a week. Except when you were jacked, was that your incidental cardio? Were you quite skinny? Nah, that was the peak of my alcoholism. I was trying to walk it off every day. No, it was in the middle of COVID.

I don't know if we should like have a moment about reflecting on. My peak alcoholism. Yeah, we're going to just... I'm actually 21. No, it was during COVID in between real job. Best job ever had, other than this one, of course. 35,000. Good safe.

But, yeah, I used to go up and back, up and back all day. And it was like, we'd get home and I was wrecked. And then I realized. But I wasn't counting there. I wasn't actively counting them. But it was like, check your heart thing on your phone. You know, that heart app. And I was like, shit.

After five days, I was like, I don't even know the maths on that. I'm ready for a marathon. Literally. I was like, no wonder I'm going to bed at like 5.30 in the afternoon. You can't put the fact. that you like, bounce your kids around to growing your pistons.

It was the FCS warehouse. That was the foundation of the pistons. No, that was after Oscar, but before Macy, I wouldn't have been able to do those steps without Oscar. So I would like to thank my child.

Yep. Sleepless nights and massive quads. What do you go at the moment? Codzilla. What did you got the moment? What did your step count? Today, minimal. I've been sitting in these chairs

and I got here. Yesterday, where you are? Yesterday, you reckon? Not much. I'm going to be honest. Let me have a little looksy. Steps.

Young fella. what was yesterday 6,000 8,000 pathetic yeah it's pretty bad do you know what's the least amount of stuff

I know that too go on I was in Santorini 50 steps not even kidding that is not even a joke if I could go back in time surely I could find that

that must have been one hell of a hangover it was mate it was the steps were from the bed to the pool back to the bed that's it wow wow proud your amount of extremes i know i've got a note here you said put this

in there is it a party or not yes okay i do have something i'll run by you yep it's about birthday parties okay kids birthday parties in particular i'm quite new to the kids birthday party game as we know on this podcast yeah for anyone who's joining us recently ash would hijack other kids birthday parties he would like bolt on his kids to that birthday party which meant you didn't have to organise anything. It was the best, especially when I could get their name in the song. You were like a virus of the kids' birthday world. Oh, yeah.

You'd like lock on to a host birthday? I'm thinking about just having more kids so I could do it again, because it was a thrill. That's what it was. I felt like I was, can't be illegal, is it? Trespassing, maybe. Well, there was a bit of a debate, okay, and obviously it was Macy's birthday last week.

Sorry, what? Yeah, what did you know that? You knew that. Did I? Oh, I know your kid's birthday. you think you'd know mine he's birthday last week done yeah four years old she is did you post about it yeah fuck so i sorry don't even apologize i'm fine i'm used to it i'm used to being this disappointed no anyway that's not the point that's not the point because yeah she'll have another

birthday next year and you can make up for it then let's hope so you'll forget so it's like what do what do you do for your kids do you have a party or do you not have a party and the problem here was i gave Macy the options, which is, do you want to have a little party? Sure. Or do you want to do something like go to the zoo or whatever. But that's not the problem. The problem is how you communicate that to their friend's parents. So this is where the confusion comes in.

Okay. Now, I said to my friends who have kids, we're going to go to the zoo, okay, for Macy's birthday. Would you like to come along? That's not a party. That's a birthday party. No, it's not. This is a birthday party. Hey, Macy's having a party here come.

You're invited to a party. Purely based on the fact that it is around her birthday automatically, by default, it then qualifies as a birthday party because it's an activity outside of the house. Okay, but let me ask you this, right? If I say, I don't use the word party so that Oscar doesn't go to, no, no, no, no, you're missing the point here. So Oscar doesn't go to school. I do not use that tone with me, young man.

Because you know what? This is what happened, right? For another party, which wasn't a party, it was we're going to this place. It just happens to be around the time. If everyone wants to come, they can't. If not, it's fine. We understand, right? Did you have a set time?

No, no set time. So what, you just said, like, I'll be at the zoo, come find any of the guerrillas? No, we just, we just said to a select people, this is, we're going to do this. You surely must have said, we'll be there at 10 o'clock. Oh, yeah, the time. So you lied to me? No, it was like, we're on the way. Boom.

That was it. We're on the way. Don't remember getting that text. Anyway, you're away, I think. No, you were somewhere. It was not. Anyway, but this is my, this is my problem, right? Because there's a couple of different options with kids parties.

The drop and go. Yeah. Okay. The non-drop and go. Sure. Who pays for it? That's a big question. This is where I'm at, right?

The who pays for it. Question. Yes. You in the pink. Uh, what's a ticket to the zoo cost? 50 bucks. Something like that. Yeah, okay.

That's a lot if... Right? Yeah. Okay. So you were trying to not put it under the banner of a party so you didn't have to pay for No, no, no, no. Mine was fine. It was another one, another incident from another parent.

Well, were they like, hey, Ash, got to try and... Are you going to get these tickets or... So what happened was, right? They said, hey, to the friend group, we're going to be doing this for X's birthday. Yep. Okay. If anyone wants to come, you'll... I'm more than welcome to join us.

That's it. But what happened was, and this is my point, the kids got hold of this, all of a sudden they're at school talking about this person's party, which in their class, obviously all these kids weren't invited because it was just amongst the group.

It's not a party, right? So what happened was the kids are talking about parties, and now kids and parents are upset because their kid wasn't involved. when originally it was just the friend group that was told what they're doing for the day and if they would love to join, they are more than welcome. It's an invite to a hangout. Do you think, I may just retract my earlier statement,

do you think to qualify for a party it needs to have two key ingredients? A birthday cake and a party bag. And an invite, an actual invite, physical. I will question the invite. It's not essential. The kids, the kids are fucking snitch and get you into trouble. This is what's, what happened, right? And it kind of got back to people.

Like, for example, the zoo, okay, was not going to be paid for by the parents of the kid. Because it was just, we're going if you want to come. But that caused the problem because the kids were calling it a party. So that has been left to believe. You don't use that term in front of me. This is what I'm saying. the parents of the world out there.

Don't use the P word because you're going to get us all in trouble. So now, after the fact, the poor kid's gone back to school to other people going, you had a party, do you not like me? And then the parents being like, who's paying for this? And then also, if I'm paying for a party, it's not a drop and go situation. Because I've fit the bill. if you're paying for the ticket for your kid to come that's a drop and go because you paid

for the service of me watching your kids. Look, that's up for debate. It's a minefield. Right, yeah. For people who don't yet have kids and may be listening, this is the type of dilemma that keeps us up at nighttime.

This is the kind of stuff you've got to try and tackle. There needs to be a rule book. A rule book. A manual somewhere. There has to be something because I feel that everyone who has small kids,

kids they yap all right they talk a lot they yap because they kept talking about someone's party someone's party and i'm like wasn't a fucking party so stop telling the other kids but what is important to remember though is that i wish macy a very happy belated birthday i'll let her know because you are her favorite i wish i knew that story was going to be as long as well sorry sorry i wasn't we argue no no it's great it's great i just like i've just i've been thrown out of housekeeping Are we out of it? I think so, but we're back in because just really quickly

you told me you got a horse tattoo Yeah, I did, yeah It's a horse's cock No, it's not Is it on your back? Yeah, I want to see the horse tattoo Okay Fucking massive horse

It is not So it was gonna be I turned up On the mic, big guy, come on Sorry Sorry, I turned up to my tattoo appointment Yeah And I'm very much like

There's a lot of trust there With him I've been going to him for like eight years And I'm like, whatever you do, man. And I got there. And he was like, this is what I've got planned. My pony. It was three horses, my whole lower back.

And I was like, I don't know about that. I was like, I'm not prepared for that. I love it, but I'm not prepared. I love the energy. But I am not prepared to sit through that agonizing pain. How about we go with one horse? Three black stallions. It was, I'm saying, the bottom of that eagle, to my butt crack.

Three horses. With wreath around it. It was a beautiful, beautiful drawing. Beautiful. But it was, it was too big. So we went with the smaller horse. But anyway. It looks beautiful.

Thank you. It's just the outline. Just really quickly, we mentioned there was a seal show that you went to at the zoo. Steven Sealberg produced it because it was very dramatized. There was a mode of music that was like the betting track for the scene. I don't have the name. And I'm so sorry if you submitted. this, I screenshot it, and I screenshot out your name.

It says, I used to be a marine keeper at Taronga, and this is gold. I've told my mates about your request for a future seal name. Also, yes, to build a home. Makes us all depressed. That was the song that was playing. Unsurprisingly, some guy from NIDA, now if anyone doesn't know what NIDA is, it's like the most esteemed college university to study acting in Australia. They came, someone came from NIDA, and they helped,

direct the whole thing years ago. He was, dot, dot, dot, interesting. Anyway, point being, you guys are hilarious. Thank you. I'm sitting this to my Marine Keep a friend and hopefully one day we'll proudly be able to claim naming rights. If there is not, there needs to be a seal at Tarongazoo called Stevens Sealberg.

I'm just saying. Oh, very good. Matt, you know me and I'm a stickler for breaking news. We love it. and for social media stats. Oh my God, you send like 12 a day to me at the moment. I love it. It's a lot.

My algo is just nothing but stats. I'm a stat statistician. How does it know that we, anyway? I just hear the word stat. What's your stat of the week? Now, there has been an extensive study, okay? Using heated car seats is likely to raise scrotal temperature, which may contribute to lower sperm quality,

or fertility risk. Wow. Okay. I would like to know one thing. Yep. How did they conduct that? It's wild, isn't it? How did they...

Who is getting the funding for this type of research? Okay, but how would they... But also, it's very important. I feel like it's more of a... Like, it doesn't get cold enough. I've never once used heated car seats. They're delightful.

Well, yeah, but now you doesn't matter for me now. You've had a picectomy. Absolutely. But for any expecting... fathers, trying to be a father, trying to start a family, lay off the car seat heater. But this is a thing, right? Talk to me. Does cold not do the same thing?

But I thought warming up the testicles would have been beneficial. Well, you warm up before sport. Yeah, I thought cold temperatures. They were just in there going, uh, yeah, we're on, boys. We're going to the beep test before we get out there. I thought it was fitting for, it's a parenting podcast, so. Don't know if you knew that. What else you got for me?

Yeah, I, man, I had, I had something really odd experience at the beach, hard to describe what it felt like. But on Thursday recently, beautiful day, sun was out, weather was warm, on with Lola, we'd go down to the beach. And in Bondi, in the north end, there's a little kiddies pool. I'm familiar, yeah. It's concrete pool. It's like, at its deepest, it's like knee deep. It's a good one. Perfect for the kid.

also it's all concrete so Lola hates sand she loves it I'm hanging out with Lola we're having a great time on a Thursday it's not too busy on a Thursday as well I had my shirt off yeah has a shirt off but you know weekends heaving shoulder to shoulder Thursday the crowds are light on and I'm playing with Lola and I'm kind of throwing it in the air and we're having a great time and I notice as a guy standing at one end of the kiddie pool and he's got this like camera pretty solid looking

camera like he knows what he's doing like he's like a photographer well said thank you and i kind of look over in the corner of my eye and he's pointing the camera towards us oh and i was like ah that's kind of weird and didn't i thought maybe maybe it's just like you know i don't know he's taking photos or something there some graffiti there maybe he's taking photos of that but you know tried not to were you in a budgie smuggler man i was in my budgie smuggler man i was in my budge I know I was taking a photo off. But then I was, like, you know, playing with Lola again, and I was throwing her up in the air.

And then as I kind of threw it up in the air, like he just like, sch-ks-k-ks. Oh. And I look over and again, he's pointing the camera towards us. And I was like, no, fuck this. Like, this is not on. You can't. It's a...

And you have been aggressive lately. And he doesn't have any kid. And not there's anything wrong with people being in the kiddie-pool area with no kids, but I just thought it was a little bit. strange that he's standing there an older man much older no child big camera in hand taking photos pointing it at my child yeah and I was like no so I walk over my mate what do you think you're doing and he goes what do you mean and I was like you can't be taking photos of the kids in here and he's like well I wasn't and I was like I saw you pointing the camera okay he took

photo he goes no I didn't look he turned his camera around he put it on kind of like you can see what he took a photo of. Now, I'm not a photographer myself, but I know how to handle a camera. So he showed me the screen to show that it was a photo of, like the sky, the horizon. And I grabbed his camera,

and I scrolled through the photos, looking for the evidence. Oh, gosh. Oh, no. It was all just photos of the sky. The horizon. And how did you... There was nothing of me.

There was nothing of me. Nothing of my... daughter and i was thinking to myself i've caught a pedophile and he wasn't even hiding it he's got if he's got a tiny camera and he's like like you know in those old spy movies they're like of the documents he's like oh i thought i was i was about to like you were trying to thinking of myself i could i can claim that i've removed a dangerous pedophile from the kiddie pool area hidden in plain sight but he was just taking photos of the sky of bondo beach fuck how many people have you confronted at late a couple ease up i'm becoming protective

back it up a little bit i was like lolla we gotta get out of here she's like what do you mean like we're going on the beach she's like why this is fun here i was like we're gonna go oh man i can see the confusion there but when you were like he's got a big camera and he's taking photos directly he looks suspect he's not even trying to hide it it's like usually that's like He was a brazen pedophile. Yeah, you know how it's just like, they try and hide it. And it's like, do you know what? Maybe if I make it so obvious, I'll be hiding it.

Anyway. Anyway, no, no, good on you for first of all. Anyone wondering, the kiddie pool is a safe area. When that's around, the kitty pool is safe. It's kind of sexy that you attacked him like that. Don't encourage me. Talking about sexy, I have accidentally aroused my wife. Go on.

And I never knew this was going to happen. Let me sit scene on this one. Can I just say, you and April have a very healthy sex life currently? Don't jinx it. Sorry. So thank you. But it continues. This one's a bit of a weird one, actually.

We're in the car, all of us. Mom, dad, me being dad, mom being April, and then my two kids. And we had one apple, a whole apple in the car. And Oscar said, can I have the apple please? And Macy said, can I have the apple, please? the apple please now the problem here is there's one apple mat yeah thank you so well aware what i did whilst i was i was behind the wheel but we were pulled over to the side yeah no knife to cut this apple in half yeah i ripped the apple into two oh wow right in front of my wife just a display

of like pure strength and she let out a oh i have an apple oh oh oh my god i was I'm always going to ask, but I don't want to put you on the spot. Look, I'm going to say it could have been a fluke, because I haven't tried this since. Okay. I don't know. I'm sweaty now. You made me nervous. Okay.

Okay. What's your technique? My technique is, because you're like, you've just, oh my God. Woo! I've done it. Wow. Just like that. Wow.

I didn't think you're going to do it. Should we go again? Who taught you this? No one. I just went for it. it's very good is it oh this is good did you make that much mess in the car

no it was a clean snap and it was so perfect that she let out this noise I haven't heard of it couldn't control herself she was like what did Macy say they were very impressed

it's the equivalent of killing a bear with your hands and nothing else that's what I did anyway I was shocked that it got to go on, actually. I'm not shocked at all. Really? My fingers, I don't think I could do it.

I strictly only get apples out now like that at home. Kids like, can I have an apple? I'm like, Rit my shirt on. I reckon you could do it with a pumpkin as well. I reckon we should figure out what I can't do with it. You don't use knives anymore. You're just in the kitchen ripping things in half with your hands.

Oh, yeah. Finger strength. She's a lucky lady. Oh, God. Anyway, I just thought I would let you know that. Sorry. Well, look, in contrast to that incredible display of masculinity, I've had a moment where I've never felt more emasculated than recently.

I've used a lot of energy, so you need to refuel. Bring in the rest of the apples. I go to your house and your bedroom is just like apple cores scattered all over the floor. A very simple task has really gotten me. Oh, God. What's that? You know, we had the fridge. The fridge that we used to have in this house was one that like extra hundred bucks.

The guy said, hey, extra hundred bucks, the fridge is yours. You can keep it. Very, very old fridge. And after being in this house for a couple years, that fridge in particular has finally carved it. I noticed. So we got a new fridge. And Laura gave me one strict instruction for that fridge because she loves chilled water.

And she goes, whatever fridge you get has to have a connection point for a water dispenser. And I was like, cool, got it. Got the fridge. Very hard as well to find a fridge that fits within the, I see you looking over there. It's one of life's things where you're like, I want a new fridge, got to make sure it fits in this hole in my house. You don't want it to be too small in the fridge cavity. Anyway, I finally found one that was like close enough. Had a water dispenser.

And I was like, Laura, and also because she's breastfeeding, she loves, whenever she breastfeits, it loves to have a bit of, a bit of, very dehydrate. Very thirsty. She loves the cold water. Laves of cold water. Maybe she should see me crack an apple. Oh, no. Good thing she's not here when I did that.

And also she requested that I have a nice dispenser. Just very strict criteria. So I finally get the fridge. I order it. It's on back order. So I'm like, Laura, I've got two weeks to wait for the fridge. The fridge arrives. Set up is included in the delivery.

Love that. Right. And the guy goes, your hose point, it doesn't connect. Oh, God. He was like this. This is the connection point, right? Okay, yeah. And it's too small for the, I don't know the terms.

That's what she said. Matt's holding up a golden attachment that looks like the end of a hose. I don't make me sound rich. Matt's holding a diamond encrusted. It's made out of seafood marinar. Flash, this is the old one. Oh yeah, okay. This is the old connection point for the water tap.

See, this one's silver. Right, that's the size. That's the diameter. It's the poor person one. It's too small. I see. Okay. He goes.

Go to Bunnings, ask him for that one there, the gold little head, in the larger size of the old one that connected up. Because if you imagine like, you know where you connect the hose to like the tap outside, that's essentially what I'm trying to do. Connect up a water tap. Okay, yeah. I'm just, this is how much I'm shrugging to describe. And this is someone who's been talking about this and learning about this for a couple of weeks now.

Go to Bunnings. The guy's like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I was like, I, me, me have this. And this, and I'm like, like a caveman. And he's like, what are you talking about? I fucking have no idea. And I was like, help me. And he's like, I did over go into Isle 16 and trying to figure it out.

And I'm like, fuck, go there, can't find it. So I go to a plumbing store. It's like called plumbing coats. All the plumbers go. They should know. I go there. Okay, they sell nothing but plumbing gear. all right and I go in there with my two little bits

when you were walking in they're like here we go and then Laura's also like I'm so thirsty I've been tricking nothing with the tap water and it's awful just clean tap water room temperature please and I was like don't worry honey tomorrow I'm going to go to the plumbing store I'm going to sort this out I go in there

no one's in the store which is great I go to the guy behind the desk and I'm like hey man I've got a problem I'm trying to connect this guy into this guy and he's like what for I'm like, it was for the fridge, for the water dispensing. He's like, okay. And then as I'm trying to explain, a plumber comes in behind me, steel cap boots,

khaki shorts, covered in dirt. And I'm like, we'll give him my shoulder. And I'm like, this is embarrassing. And he's like, oh, you've got, you were trying to find a nip for the threadhead. And I was like, oh, fuck. Oh, my God. They're like, you're trying to find some black and white paint a long white? So then he gave me this.

Oh, whoa. Gave me the nip head. Okay, all right, now we're talking. Okay. Okay. So now we're the same size. Yeah, yep. Fucking hell though, mate.

Will that not go in now? Well, think about these heads, okay, these brass connectors. Gold. You need to have a rubber ring, an O ring. To make it seal it up. Take the one out of there. It doesn't come out. Oh.

You can't, metal on metal doesn't make a seal. So I connect it up, water goes everywhere. Laura's like... You actually did it and it didn't work. Because there's no seal. There's no O-ring. So I've been watching videos about fucking O-rings now and I've got to go back to the plumbing store.

I've been back there three times. The saga. This is a saga. Gives a look here. I tell you right now, you could get an O-ring for that pretty quickly. I know I can. Is this a handyman podcast?

It's like, help Matt out everyone. It's like, I've got to go back in there. And tail between your legs But I know I've been watching videos on O-rings And also plumbers tape as well I'm pretty much a plumber You are not far off it

Let's upset the plumber as well We're at it You're not far off being a plumber They should have And I'm gonna throw them under the bus A little bit here He should have given me the O-ring And the plumber's tape

They should have Hopefully he's not listening You better go in before this comes out Like why he fucking set me up Yeah He set me up He sold me this They know what they're doing

So me the brass connect the nip. We used to mess with people all the time when they come into the timber yard asking technical questions that's what they've done

here. They've messed with you. He was also just he knew what I wanted and he was like I don't know what you mean. They're messing with you He's fucking with me

Yeah absolutely I've He played me like a fiddle So did you just give up and buy a water jug Because I saw you get a I got a water jug I went

To cave up I got a water jug Because you offered me something And I was like Why I've been trying to fix this for two weeks

Oh, that's taken way too long. I haven't slept properly. At night, I'm tossing and turning. Just thinking about the O-ring. What you should do is buy a pack of O-rings because then you'll always have them. Think about that. The next fridge or next plumbing problem,

you're like, don't worry, babe. Laura's like, what are you watching? I'm fucking watching an instructional video on O-rings and how they make a direct seal when connecting water systems. Fuck! What's your algorithm like now? Weird.

Oh, my God. Do you wouldn't need me to go over there with an apple and show them how strong we are? Please. Yeah. We come as a package deal. This is how strong we are. Those bloody tradies. Oh, God.

Making us regular dads feel like we're pathetic. They always think they're better than us. It's time for a festive segment. That's right. Christmas fails. Now each week we ask the good listeners. of this podcast, the Dota's, to send in their worst, most memorable Christmas fails. And it's all thanks to Aldi.

Yeah, what's this guy here, by the way? What are these, these little shortbreads? Have one. Go on. It's Christmas. Aldi, good, different. Now, shall we? Bloody delicious.

You can start with this top one here. That looks good. I'm going to have one while you're reading this. I'm going one with the chocolate feet. They are good. They're unbelievable, aren't they? Different. Good, different, some would say.

Shut up. This is from Abby and she says My family and I used to go away six hours up the North Coast With another family at Christmas Every time of the year Lovely That is nice That's a little tradition

That's what that is I'd call it a tradition I'd wait for it to fail My dad had the task Of packing the Christmas presents For us to open on Christmas Day Okay Uh oh

See where this is going What oh Christmas morning rolls around My brothers and I see the other kids open their presents. Dot, dot, dot. Oh. None for us. Did you cue sound music?

Oh my God. Dad forgot, didn't he? Oh, dad. Mom told us that Santa couldn't find where we were staying. So left them at home for us. Very nice safe, mum. A few years later, my parents divorced. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. Don't tell me the reason was, don't tell me the reason was Christmas. She never got over the Christmas. That was not, oh my God. My face is hot.

I both, I both feel sorry for them. And then the divorce really made it funny. Oh my God, that really hit me. And the truth said the parents got a divorce and the truth came out. And we never went away for Christmas ever again.

Oh, God. We did ask for that sort of staff. It's great that we can laugh about the trauma. I hope that Abby's laughing. Oh, she'd be laughing, surely. I hope she didn't send that with tears and her eyes. And the sad music's still playing. And we're like, ah!

Wow. That's a classic man move, that one, I reckon. All right, man, I've got one for you. Please. This one's from Shannon. Thank you, Shannon. When we first moved into our new house, my husband was beyond excited to see how fast.

festive the neighbourhood was getting in October. Wow. Early. We'll say it's late October. Keen to join in on the fun, we headed straight to the hardware store and came home with an entire kit and caboodle, lights, decorations, the works. Love that. A few days later, we proudly switched everything on flashing gingerbread man with waving arms and all only to realize the rest of the neighborhood wasn't celebrating Christmas at all. They were celebrating Diwali.

The Indian Festival of Lights So while everyone else had elegant strings of gold lights We had our over-the-top Christmas display Twinkling away front and centre To this day, I still give him grief About our Diwali gingerbread extravaganza Now, I have just a follow-up from that really quickly From Shannon, she messaged me

which is a great story and she went on to say he's going to kill me if this gets on the podcast his name is Jay make sure you say his actual name Jay she said this is going back a few years ago but I've never let him forget it

I love that so Jay oh good on you Jay for having a crack at it wrong holiday but that's okay I mean October he's like wow this neighborhood they're keen and so am i come on kent what's he going to do for honica all right this one it's anonymous um it must be juicy awkward christmas story for you thank you very much

says here please keep anonymous christmas got awkward when my recently divorced uncle oh god it's always the uncle if his name's alan rickman i'm going to lose it imagine being the uncle and being like fuck now I'm divorced and now I've got to become an alcoholic I know and go to Christmas and be creepy it's just part of it so the recently divorced uncle

came to Christmas with his new girlfriend who was brother's ex-wife is this Jerry Springer oh my God they actually ended up getting married and made every Christmas gathering so awkward

So my cousin's uncle Is now a stepdad And his mum is also his auntie Oh my God If only there were cameras To capture everyone's face that day There are millions of people in this world Why?

Don't pick a relative's ex-partner To be your new partner And then take him to Christmas Oh God I just off the back of that real quick We had an awkward Not similar situation But a situation kind of like that

That's just jog my memory my auntie who she will remain nameless she brought her new boyfriend to Christmas once and he was a bikey full-blown and what happened was they turned up on the motorbike and they pretty much looked like Danny and Sandy from Greece but he's covered in tats missing a few teeth

and it was just like it's Christmas we don't discriminate everyone's welcome it was a statement piece anyway he got really pissed Try to fight you Fell asleep on the couch And that was that And that's why I love Christmas Because it brings people together

It just brings everyone together A huge thanks to those three stunning stories Also thanks to Aldi For making this segment possible Remember Ash Go on It's Christmas, treat yourself Have another bickie

Thank you Alty Good, different And if you've got An awkward uncle Who's recently divorced Who's recently divorced Send him our way We want to hear from you

No, if you've got any Christmas fails, chaos, fails, drama, this one, a lot of drama in this one. A little bit of Christmas drama. A little bit of gossip. Christmas gossip. Any affairs, send it in. Yeah, you can email us, you can DM us, you can do whatever you like at two dotting dads, Instagram, TikTok, wherever, or hello at two dotting dads.com. I can't wait for what we get next week. I know, they're getting better. Ash, we have a couple of questions here. And this is one, which is, is, it's a little bit of It's been sitting in the comment section of a video that I posted a couple of weeks ago. It was when I had the letter from Mali and I referred to Mali as being my best friend.

Now, a lady has written on that video that you cannot be best friends with your child. Well, that's going to upset my child, isn't it? And I thought to myself, hang on a second, is it a case of I'm not actually best friends with my children? And I think I am. I'm just throwing that term out like it's willy-nilly. Is it for them or is it for you, though? That term. I would say, I genuinely, I thought about it,

and I honestly believe two things. Firstly, I think I am best friends with my children. I hang out with them more than anybody else in this world. I'm somewhat offended, but okay, yep. Well, I didn't even get invited to your bloody non-party zoo trip. So since that happened, you've been off the best friend list for the last 40 minutes. And I do think you can be best friends with someone and still pull them into line and discipline them even though there is like a

you do pull me into the line and discipline me all the time right yeah I do it because I love you thank you I look I agree with you I love you thank you I love you too I do agree with yeah I want to do say more than one that's why you're like the fucking plumber guy what are you trying to say bro

what are you trying to say you love me or something I'm not sure this guy I would say look we always say in my house that we're all best friends. Why not? I love that. Kids love that. Are they trying to say,

and I'm trying to dissect this here, are they trying to say, you can't be best friends because how can you be a disciplinary figure and also be a best friend? And I think it's a fair argument to have that, but there has got to be an outcome, right? It is, it is a, there are many times

when I'm playing with my kids where it's a sharp change of gears. My girls love to wrestle. They love it. But every now and then, they'll like kick me in the head. And I've got to quickly go... Kick them back.

Listen. We don't kick each other. And you have to like quickly, you're disciplinarian, you be that figure, then you go back into playing. And it's the role of the parent that I think you can be in one breath. You're telling them how to behave. And the next, you're on their level playing with them. Friends fight.

Right? But also, let's say this. If your kid asks you, Daddy, am I your best friend? No one on earth is saying no. I hope not You would Mate, I tell you right now We're very close Billy

But I wouldn't say best friends Yeah, you're all right Wouldn't go that far Look, your mother says you're all right So I guess we'll believe Whatever he says Desperate But like

This guy Why he's so needy Susan Does I got a letter to this guy Who's four year old Huh Fucking loser But that's what I mean

Like that comment Is real simple Okay So if you were to take That comment As gospel Right And you went and go

Okay I'm going to put that into practice. And then you go to Marley and go, guess what, Marley, you're not my best friend. How do you think that would make Marley feel? That's not right. Yeah. And even, can I just say one thing? Let's say, heaven forbid, that we're wrong. Never. I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong. Let's, let's just allow people to live that dream. Yeah, if you want to be best friends with your kid, go for it. If people are saying I'm best friends with my kid, in what world does saying, well, that's not true because technically you're not actually best friends because of this

reason. How is that going to benefit anyone? If you honestly believe that Marley is your best friend, then the answer to this question is that she's your best friend. There he is. There is. Ash Wix. Very good for me. Very simple. Very good. I needed that. I know. Thank you. I have a question for you, Matt, but it does come with a warning for the parents who are listening to this right now. I happen to be in the car with their children. We are... There are many parents who do listen to do dotting dads with the kids in the car there you go that level of swearing whoops sorry about that you're all my best friends we are talking about the man in red real quick so turn it down come back to it later or if whatever anyway good flag thank you

this is from haley from the facebook group which is thriving i would say it's it's overgrowing we're gonna have to call some people does santa buy the big presents he doesn't really buy anything. Does Santa buy the big presents for your kids and you get all the other little ones or vice versa? And just as an example here, Amy also in the Facebook group, well, she would have to be to see it and respond to it. We don't let Santa take the credit for the big expensive stuff. Yeah, that's a good question. This is the first year where I'm going to have to pay really close attention to writing on the little cards on gifts saying, who's it from? Is it from Nana? Is it from mom?

Is it from dad? Is it from Santa? Because Mali is a bit like, she's asking for things and she's like, but I'm asking for something that's in the store. So obviously that wasn't made

by the elves and Santa, right? They make a like for like. That's sometimes I've said that. They can replicate. They replicate what's in the toy store. There's a trademark issues, but they replicate. But I'm not sure.

I don't have the answer to this question. How do you do it? I group it all in with Santa, really, because my kids don't respect me or my money. man i had that loaded up real quick didn't i right from the hip whack wow anyway uh yeah look i always say if i really want to find out what they want and like yesterday i said to oscar i was like hey big guy if santa was to get you

hypothetically and i can't guarantee it an adjustable basketball hoop so that we could play would you be into that would you be into that and if it came a little bit early because I want to get on with it now. Also, here's a basketball, let's play. Yeah. He's already been. No, he was like, oh, you ask him real nice because I want one of those.

So I'm just sticking with the overarch, the overarch that he, there's no, I'm getting little stuff because I get him stuff all the time. I got him Lego yesterday. And it's like, well, if I can just say it's the one guy, and it just avoids any confusion because if he's like, who gave it to me? I'm like, what does it sound like?

He's like, Santa, but it's in your handwriting. I was like, he's good. He's bloody good, this kid. Well, Miley's even starting to question the Santas that are dressed up. He's like, is that? Yeah. Is that?

Do you know there's the Telstra, you can call Santa? Yeah, right, yeah, yeah. And it's obviously all AI, and it's the same message. She's like, I want to call him again. And she's like, that's so weird. We just had the exact same conversation that we just had before. And I'm like, yeah, it is weird.

Let's get the fuck out of here. We should go to a different phone. This one's playing up. And I've said it before with this whole Santa thing. A little bit of apple coming up? That was an apple bird. It was delightful. I'm looking to the right.

There's like 12 discarded apples that are going brown. What does Ash want? Just apples. Just bits of apples. Hand ripped. Sorry. What I will say about the whole big man in red is that I don't like the encouragement of a break and enter. It's like a reverse break and enter because he's breaking in.

give you stuff. Give you shit. It's very confusing. So they're going to be real confused when someone actually break and enters and take something from it. But if people feel strongly, please jump in the Facebook group, give us your thoughts. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. We must go.

Better get out of here. The apple's getting brown, you know what that means. It's time to go. It's time to eat it. If you've enjoyed this episode, please send it to a friend. Anyone out there, you know, we honestly love getting new listeners. And, we think people

we find it funny if you would also give us a review a few comments a couple of stars Spotify or Apple Podcast that'd be great Ash the social media

TikTok Instagram Facebook group which again is thriving people still don't know the full episodes are on YouTube but they are we post about it every single week

If you want to see me just break apples for an hour straight You're welcome Actually there we go There's going to be an influx of pregnancies Off the back of his episode

Isn't there Mums is going Woo Yeah there's all pregnant mums and new best friends. Where's my partner? Come here.

Let's go. See you. Bye. Two Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their respects to their elders. past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.