Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #188 Let's talk about sex, baby!

Episode Date: December 2, 2025

Matt opens up about his sex life life after baby #3 and how Poppy's presence in the room is somewhat ruining the mood.  Meanwhile Ash divulges all the dirty details of his recent Vegas trip, including his fall from grace going from "the penthouse to the shithouse". Plus little Lola has graduated from preschool and it's got Matt feeling all the feels - his little girl is growing up and he's not ready! And the Christmas fail that made granny blush - you'll never believe what she found in her secret Santa! ‘Tis the season to let loose, indulge and dive into the holidays, stomach first. ALDI’s great quality range at affordable prices means you can stretch your pants without stretching your budget. Go on, it’s Christmas. See the full range at aldi.com.au/christmas-at-ALDI If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I see you're really holding on to the painter's pants. I like the paint his pants. Is it so that when you're out in public, you can be like, I painted once. I want to look, yeah. I want to look like I've built things with my bare hands. Matt. Ashton. There's one thing I've noticed about myself now that I am a home owner instead of a home renter.

Yeah, congratulations. Thank you. It has been a little while, those of you who are catching up. But I am not afraid to put holes in the wall now. Yes. And I feel it's a privilege. Oscar, I drew this for you. Firstly, that's a garbage drawing.

Pitted on the wall. Just pin it on the wall. So you're not, the 3M hooks are gone? Oh, no, I'm just, I've got to literally the drill every two days. Drills coming out. But it's mainly thumbtacks. I'm like, ah, fuck it. Welcome back to two-thoding dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash.

And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And one thing, Ash and I, we swore together. We made an oath. We cut our hands. Blood was dripping. Put them together. And we said, we will never give advice. That was a hell of an infection. Well, we've been tired. It's been a big old week. I did. I noticed that you've reached. sombre on the phone to me this morning. And I'm also, I'm like waiting for the school to call me and be like,

Marley needs to be picked up. She's in sick bay. Oh, no. What's going to? Well, no, she's not a morning person at all. Like, she's just, she fucking hates getting out of bed. She's grumpy? She's very grumpy.

I was going to be grumpy until he's had something to eat. And then she wouldn't really eat a toast this morning. And she was like, I'm really cold. And it's fucking hot at the moment in Sydney. It's like 30 degrees. And I was like, well, what's that? You want some Damadol? Send her off.

And she just had the look in her off. where she was just a bit something's coming so I was like she's a ticking time bomb I said to her I was like Marley just know just know this if you call in a sick bay I can't come until the end of school because I'm working all day to day just wanted to like plant the seed like for her to persevere is that bad is that bad I think like because sometimes she's like a few times I picked her up a sick bay and I'm like you're not sick oh so much there's nothing wrong with you because he knows that pop was on the list I just wanted to make her know that like sick bay is boring like it's a fucking room behind the principal's office there's a hard bed like a prison cell it's a prison cell yeah okay

which it should be and I just want her to know that if you're sick you're in the prison cell why do they make it so uncomfortable because otherwise the place would be full of kids bro like a day spa imagine if there were toys in there imagine if they had books every kid would be like I'm not going to fucking maths class I'm in a sick bay I mean it that age it's pretty much having fun anyway yeah i was like what did you do today she's like i had art and i was like what else she's like that that was pretty much it oh no i don't even get that much out of oscar he's like i don't remember i'm like oh god you've got a young brain mate do you're old can't remember shit hey um housekeeping oh yes the house is pretty clean at the

moment but just making sure it's going to be spick and span by this time we finished this episode was it last week last week did the old serious episode yeah i think so oh a week before Hey, we just want to say, we got lots of lovely messages. For those of you who didn't listen, how do you? We did one about how to raise boys in a men. A bit of a serious ep. Not as many lolls is what we would normally do. We don't often do serious apps.

If something comes across our desk that needs to be addressed, that's serious, we'll tackle it. We will tackle it head on. No pads, no helmet, just straight through that brick wall. Just go straight for it. And lots of lovely feedback. I do have a message here from one Dota in the group and they say, Ash, because you opened up. Yeah, that's right. And I really appreciate it.

Said to the listeners and they said, Ash, you're doing a great job. I want to share something that I said to my husband when we're struggling his parents because it's really stuck with us. If parenting is hard,

it's only because you're trying to do it right. Yeah, true. You actually care. You care. Not that there's parents out there that don't care. I want to say that. But you know what I mean? You care about.

I was one that was kind of like, ah, you know, I'm just sort of kicking about with it. And then I think as they're getting older and I'm getting older, much older. I start to think about, you know,

it was 40 at the moment. Yeah, Thank you. Shut up. I start to think about like how I've just spoken to them and what can I do better now, which is not like me. If you didn't care, God, parenting would be the breeze, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah, it'd be like, who are you?

What else we've gotten here? Oh, your bloody apple tree. Yes, the apple has gone off. Everyone's getting their husbands. April and I had a little chuckle in the car yesterday because she obviously is in the Facebook group. and she's like, oh, everyone's, everyone's talking about it. It's such a, it's like the benchmark of, are you a man or not?

Yeah, yeah. Have you ever spent any time working with your hands? Me, I can write an email. You are good at that. And I haven't, I haven't yet attempted the Apple trick. And again, for reference, Ash, split an apple with his bare hands, clean and half. Oh, yeah. And we will, we will attempt this after the podcast.

Yeah, I've got an array of fruit. Oh, other than the, apple what else are you got pears i got green apples thought maybe they're stronger i don't know have you tried a green apple no i haven't yet i've got papaya two whole papires my nana dragon fruit that's fucking messy we're gonna have to do this outside orange if you can rip an orange clean in half we're talking skin membrane then fruit we're gonna have to do this video with no shirts on you well we've always said we're giving what they want i'm listening oh matt speaking of Speaking of arousal, I want to give you, and it's a sincere congratulations.

What for? A pep in your step. Laura did on her podcast. I didn't share that because I thought it was too personal. Yeah. I was like, I was like, oh. I was at the school drop off. And one of the parents was like, how you doing?

And I was like, yeah, pretty good. They're like, really? You got come on your pants. And I was like, that was weird. And they're like, but you have... Oh, you didn't know that. And like, I just trust. I trust Laura's radar of what she's going to share

and what is sacred to this family. People want to know. Do they? Yeah, people, I do. Just give me the gist of it. Because as for those who don't know, you have a six-week-old baby, seven or eight-week-old. Currently, eight weeks, I believe.

Somewhere. And every couple that has kids, it's like, when do you get? back on the horse. We're talking about sex. Oh, yes, we are. We're talking about the horse of sex. The naked pants dance. Yeah, so Laura had the meeting with the obstetrician.

He had a look around downstairs. Shout out to Bobby. And I called Bobby and I said, is she good to go? Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I was like, look, Laura, whenever you're ready, you let me know. That is the correct way.

And I was, I was nervous. Yeah. you would be. Were you nervous? Well, both of ours were C-sections. So it was kind of like, she had to, of course, recover from that, which is another thing altogether. So how do you remember just ballpark? How long was it roughly? How long until you can drive a car? She can't drive a car for six weeks. I think it is like, she can't, she still can't drive one. Sorry. Oh my God. Good start. She couldn't drive to, I think, six weeks. It's like, It's essentially major surgery because of the amount of layers of the abdomen they need to go through.

There's like 84 layers, I think. You are a medical doctor. So I can't really remember. It would have been a few months. It definitely would have been a few months because April would have been like recovery from that. Yeah. Also what I think is a little bit difficult for me to digest when you're trying to get back into the world of romance with your partner after birth is you got the baby in the room. The baby's like, hey, that's up.

In the cupboard. It's just a little bit, you know, you're trying to get freaky. And then the baby's like, they're so noisy. So noisy, dude. And they said they're like ticks and stuff. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, can you shut up for just two seconds? I even think we didn't get back on the horse until the baby was out of the room.

Yeah, I'm like. But it varied, both kids were different. With Laura was like, let's do it. And I was like, oh, then I, you'd take. Tonight. Cover your eyes. Are you sure? Like, do we really want to do this?

Is this? And then it was like, I always find it hard, pardon the pun. I was just thinking that. Find it hard when it's like premeditated sex. Yeah. When it's like. You like the spontaneous stuff. I like it to just be like I don't like birthday parties.

Okay. And I'm going to give you a little. Okay. All right. I'm listening. Because birthday parties, it's premeditated fun. I want it to be like... And it's a lot of money.

And it's a lot of money. And there's a clean-up afterwards. I'm putting them together already. Thank you. But you know when it's... I would love... There's nothing I enjoy more. Then it's say I bump into you...

And we have sex? But if we bump into each other, we have lunch, we then have a couple of drinks, we have a great night. And then we sleep with you. But when it's like... like we will have fun on the 6th of January at precisely 6pm you will be there and you're

like you just know some people don't want to be there it's that the pressure is there yeah and it's like you don't know how you're feeling two weeks time yes i could be dead i know exactly i don't want to miss that appointment and the morning of laura was like as she was you know having breakfast and i was heading out the door she's like hey tonight's the night and i was like oh god why do they do that because then you're just walking around all day I couldn't think, I couldn't do anything. I had to have an empty stomach. I was like, I don't want to...

Yeah, you would have been grouchy all that. I was very grouchy, ended up eating her hand over. But I was like, all right, like, this is here. I hopped into bed and I was like... Nervous. Heart rate. Shook, sugar, and I was like, oh. And I was like so...

It was... But we knew, as awkward as it was, we both. We have to find out how to rekindle, get back into the rhythm of the activities because otherwise you could fall into and it does happen and it's easy to fall and it's normal don't get me wrong it's normal because obviously life gets in the way it's it's it people fall into the roommate it's for one of a better word it's like the non-critical element yeah oh yeah I think I think and it's always and can I just say I don't know how other people have sex we are nighttime sex people most of the time for you most of the time most of the time

we have on occasions back in the day had daytime sex which I love that this point I call it business time business time sex because it's during business hours 9 to 5 Monday to Friday The best That was a really good thing about COVID

Oh yeah Sorry to throw you on the bus there April There's a bit of business time I just got a in her calendar It's just got like midday meeting She's like who's put this here And you're like tapping on the shoulder Remember I did that

I put it in the calendar Because my wife is in the EA And she's everything is about everything is about or being organized except for sex it's kind of like it's more like every day i'm like maybe today's the day then i did that put it in the calendar and it was i've got to go on so calendars and apples she's a simple woman but we yeah i think when it's the when it's the very last thing that you have to do in the day sometimes it's easy to go i'll do it tomorrow.

Yeah. And then you do it all the next day and then it's been a week and then it's been a month. Or one of the kids are sick. There's so many variables, yeah. There's so, they're variables, Ash, endless. Great word. Too many variables. All the stars have to along.

It has to, you know, and also it's best when it happens when it's no colder than 18 degrees, no warmer than 24 degrees. And also, I'm worried that I'm going to hurt my wife because it's like, fuck, you know, you've just, you've been through. Yeah, childbirth. Hell of a lot. Like, are you sure? you want something back in there.

It's like, I can talk with the epidural still kicks in. I had an epigurial this morning. I need statistics in the room and I'm like, Dr. Tim? And he's like, that'd be 600. Thank you. Did I just pay for sex? But hey, we did it. We did it.

We both enjoyed it, I think. Yeah, I think it's got to be hard to enjoy the first time after anyway. Because like you said, there's a lot of physiological things in play here. So good for you guys. Thank you. And look, and it's just nice as well. to have such an intimate moment be shared amongst so many. All the words of support that people are sent in.

You know, it's really lovely. My question was what position? What do you think? Belly to belly. Not belly to butt? Oh, damn. Nadi Acton. He wrote a movie.

He's like, is there anything else? I said I overheard some Gen Zs talking about different positions, but I have no proof. Oh, well, there are other positions, Matthew. you, I guarantee you that. Go on. Breaking news. Yes, we have some breaking news.

When people ask me, what's your news source? Is it like the Guardian? Is it news.com? Is it Daily Mail? And I say it's Ash Wicks. Yeah, and I get it from Instagram. So you know it's coming from credible sources. If there's anything that's worth knowing, you're going to tell me.

Yeah, I'm going to tell you right now. Here's the headline. Go. Mum of three boys tries for a girl. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah, nice. Instead, she gets pregnant with three triplet boys. Oh, what has she done to deserve that?

I don't know. That's bad karma. In a past life, you're being punished. You have a basketball team now. Like, literally, it's, here we go. So Hannah. Shout out to Hannah. When Hannah A, learned she was pregnant,

she and her partner, Jacob, were both excited and a little nervous. Yeah, as you would be. As you would be, yeah. Already parents to three boys, age 11, 4, and 1, when I add. My God. Hannah had convinced her fiancé to have one more child, hopeful it might be a girl. But as the anticipation of the gender loomed, this article's great.

At the first ultrasound at eight weeks, everything turned upside down. And she was pregnant with three more boys. Jesus. My God, the testosterone in that house. Your life's over. it is like one of world's biggest gambles i would say like if you're going into it going are we going are we going to go one more because we really want to go and great everyone each to their own and that's fine just say like we're just going one more just like just get a female dog

yeah like you know what you're getting like oh but that ultrasound for poppy i remember being like very quickly being like how many heartbeats are there obviously just wanted to make sure the heartbeat was like good and happy and healthy but then when she said there is only one. I was like, yes! I know. I know.

I just, I can't imagine like, you know, hearing all these stories of like, you're like, like the vasectomy story. And then they're like, we accidentally fell pregnancy,

pregnant and we had triplets. And we had octoplets. Oh. And you're like, everyone's got a story of like someone in the area who like, they tried one last time. 14 children. It's kind of like that everyone.

Yeah, like everyone has that story. Yeah. What about, I've read an article the other day on Instagram. Oh, this one was on TikTok, so it's credible. And it was a woman pregnant with twins, but both had different fathers. How does that work?

Are you trying to put in two stories into the one episode? I just thought about that. And I was like, double penetration is real. I think that one, we actually did have someone say that our last story about the guy who got the mom and the daughter pregnant. They said that was fake. Well, that's not on us. Sorry, not to, I'm not attacking you. That's not on me.

I don't want you. I don't know if you've been copying fake news, but just, you know, just be, just be, just be Where people are questioning your sources. Question away. Question away. Hey, Ash. Yes. I recently was involved at an awards show.

Oh, yes. The TikTok Awards. It's a big event. For those of you who are not familiar, TikTok is a social media platform. Yeah, where I get my news from. Where Ash gets this news from. And they do it every year.

The last five years. And I got a call. I got a call. And it was asking me. me if I wanted to be involved in the TikTok Awards. And I was like, do you know what? I wasn't going to attend this year. We've been to a couple.

Yeah. We know, we're a bit old now. Yeah, I would say. There's a lot of people. There's like 5,000 people. There's a lot of people there in the room. Honestly, and also, we are, we're, you know, other than... We're not what kids look after, bro.

Yeah, but I don't want to, yeah, exactly right. I've got kids at home. I don't want to go to an award show and look after the kids at the award show. Exactly. Exactly. But I got the call and I was like, I'll be honest. I was quite flattered to get the call, the invitation to be involved in the event.

And at first I was like, am I nominated? Answer was no, no nomination. And I said, well, am I presenting an award? And they said, no. And I was like, okay, well, like, what am I doing? What do you want me to do that? Can you clean up after the show? Yeah, they were like, and they said,

we need someone, we need someone before the show starts, we need someone to be there on stage. to do a bit of housekeeping, but more important... You are good at that. I was like, well, you come to the right place. Yeah. The house has been kept. And then they said, we just need someone,

because there's not really allocated seats, some seats are reserved, but like the majority of seats, just you come in, first and best dressed, pick your seat. And as people do, they sit at the very back

or the very front, the middle's always a bit sparse. People sit on the outer seats, not the middle seats. They say, we need someone to be on stage to just direct, wrecked people if you spot little gaps, get people to move either in or down from the

back. How did that go? And I was like, I thought to myself, like, that'd be fun. That'd be great. I'd love to do it. Yeah. I'm your guy. Everyone's going to be respectful.

They're adults. And I look back and I think, gosh, I was so naive and done. What happened? Well, turns out people don't like moving seats. People don't like to be tolerable to do generally. People do not. And also, when people are. People are sitting down, you sit down in your seat and you chat for a bit and you get

comfy. You're in, you're, you're getting a butt groove going on. And they were like, look, run through some housekeeping. There's like, you know, the bar, toilets, the seating. It'd be like five minutes. And I was like, cool, not a problem. Anyway, so I'm trying to get people to move seats. No one moves a single seat.

I don't think I got one single person to move their seat. And I was like, oh. And so then I'm kind of going through the housekeeping. And then I kind of look off and they're like, there's a big timer. and they're like, we need five more minutes. Oh, God. And I'm there on stage being like, can you all please move seats?

No one's fucking moving. No, yeah. And then I've got five more minutes to fill in front of 5,000 people. And I'm like, I've got to talk about toilets now. And I'm like, if you're wondering, we have toilets here at the venue. And I just like, my brain just said,

I've got a line for you. Oh, God. Never trust your brain. I've always said that. Before I tell you what I. said this morning i saw a video on tick tock and gave me an indication of how well it was received okay tiktok awards couple of impressions might get me in trouble last night i reattended my year 10 formal i feel like it was quite a tacky event um the host started with who's done a shit

tonight let's give a round of applause for the toilets Oh, you'd never, yeah, look, like, that's good gear. Right? Did you say, okay, how did it go? Tell me, just line for line. Okay, I said, if you're wondering, yes, there are toilets here at the venue, round of applause for the toilets. And I said, has anyone done a shit tonight?

Make some noise. Anyone making any noise? A couple of people. Did you shame him? And I was like, do you think you'll do a second? Didn't get that many last, but I was. I was like, I was just going to push through, keep going. Five minutes of toilet humor.

Oh, my goodness. And do you know what? I was going to ask Laura, she's my sounding board for whether or not I should say something or not. And I didn't ask you because I'm like, I know what she's going to say. She'll say, don't say that. And I was like, it'll get a giggle. It'll get a laugh.

Is it bad? One laugh. I thought you were going to say then I want a round of clothes for the toilet for all the shit they take. That would have been, yes. That's what I. Where were you? Me, Vegas.

Vegas. Look, I don't think that's that bad. And honestly, I'm surprised with the amount of adolescents that were in that building that no one really cacked up about that. Like, you're the substitute teacher who's talking about shit. Will I be invited back on stage? Probably not. I think you'll get an even better gig off the back of that.

People will be like, you know what? Because you didn't have much time to turn this around. No. No. I feel like, I feel like... In the moment, I was like, it's just me and you brain. Hit me with your best gear. She'd got me on the phone.

Like, Ash, I need you. Ash is here. Look. Speaking of Vegas. Vegas. I want to hear about Vegas. Well, let's start off. By just saying, must be nice.

Gone of Vegas. It was very nice. It was lovely. I had decided to treat myself to a trip to Vegas to watch the F1. Was it like an anniversary gift for you in April? It was a joint birthday. We didn't really do anything for our birthday. this year like for each other hers was this month in november and i thought there's a race in

Vegas and may i just clarify one thing you so for april you went to vegas you went to a football game an NFL game in Vegas yeah you went to the formula one in Vegas yeah for april we saw tom sagura for april for ash okay okay no april and i have there's not a lot of things that we have shared interests other than sex you said it not me but yes but we you know we both enjoy the drama of f1 we like f1 um the glamour of it too it's nice to to peek peek in yes and i love an experience i can't sit still you know that i need to have something on my radar and that was that was it was it and i thought i'm going to i'm going to go all out and do it it's a night race it's in Vegas. It's that, you know, you get, there's, there's people playing, like, people, like,

Sching on Kelly. You saw MGK. Yeah. Thoughts? Amazing. Really? Really loved it. Also, who was really good, T-Pain. So, he's really wound the clock back. His dance moves are bang on. His show was very good. I wasn't expecting much, because you know how a lot of band. From T-Pain. Yeah. And you know how, like, can I just, just remind me one second. I don't want me to sing his song. Shottie got low, low, low. That's, oh, eight, banger, that one. Oh. Let me talk to.

Yeah. That's the one. The fur. God, we're so white. Oh, yeah. There's people watching this going, This is hard to watch. Is this dancing with the stars?

He was great. He was very good. He was like, showmanship on him because he's obviously a bit more mature now and he's the thing is he's got such a great voice like he didn't need any of that auto tune back in the day we might have been back in the day but since then he's really grown into his voice you don't need it teapain you don't as it was me i was just like you don't need you don't need machines we just want you we just want you be your authentic cell i want an organic keypane i came for an organic teapain

show as a car goes whi-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. Anyway, we did that. We saw Tom's a Gura, too. He's very funny. Which one's here again? He's two bears, one cave, so him and bert. Yeah.

But great trip with great people, as you did see. People have been asking me, is Ash about to start Onlyfans? Just because I have friends in the adult industry. My mum was like, who is that guy? What is the girth master? Here he is. Big dick. Hanging out with the girthmaster.

I hang out with the girthmaster. Who is a male performer? He's a male performer. Yeah. With brazzers, as you can tell by the t-shirt that I'm wearing. I have met him before. I stayed with him last time I was in L.A. Great guy from North Queensland.

Just a very humble. Selt of the earth. He is really. And I met his girlfriend who is lovely as well. But one of the best weekends of my life, I will just say that straight up. And it kicked off really, really well. So the day before I got cheeky. And you know, man, I'm a cheeky bugger.

Flying over with Qantas, you can bid for upgrades. And you never get it. You never do. Because it's so, like, business class is ridiculously expensive for what it is. It's bloody lovely. But it's very, like, I don't know, I'm not going to spend 10 grand to go one way. One way, Matthew. No.

So there was an option to bid. As much as you, like, for a split second, you like try and convince yourself like, well, I could justify it. And then you're like, what am I fucking doing? I know. I'm just like, I could use the points. Yeah. But I was like, I'll be cheeky and I'll bid the minimum amount. At least I tried.

Yeah. I put my hat in the ring. Yeah. Anyway, the day before I get an email saying, oh, your bid was unsuccessful. And I was like, no surprise. No surprise. But that was for premium. And then within a second, I got an email from business class saying your offer's been accepted.

Like, is there? any email that is greater than that. No. That is going to be like when you're trying to find your keys and you finally find them like those feelings that especially as a tired parent. As a tired dad, yes. I got to ring April up and I said, I said, hey.

You're not going to fucking believe this. She's like, what have you done? I was like, I've got good news for you and me. And I stupidly, I should have fucked with it way more. I know, I know. I know, I could have really. You could have done the whole life. There's one seat.

What do you want to do? I could, I look, honestly, I think I should take. I could have done all that. Or you could have done the wholesome like, she doesn't know it yet. But she's about to black. I could have. But you could excited. I'm excited.

And that fills my cup when I get to tell someone that, hey, you're going to experience something. And that's because of me and my childish and stupid ways. So we started off great. It just made the. leaving the kids even easier. Anyway. And we get on the plane.

It's beautiful. Everyone's really nice. I kind of felt like, do they know that I won this on the bid? Or do they think I'm important and I have the money for this? You've got the like the broken seat. Yeah, yeah. You're only get half the meals.

I've got to pay for the meals. Still would have done it. Anything to lay down that high in the air is that, you know, like it's great. So that was. good we get there unfortunately as what happens when you fly to America

and connecting flights because of their populations 343 million people it's a lot there's delays in cancellation so we were delayed which you know but it gave us

being in business access to the first lounge in America so we had six hours in the first class lounge in that lounge people were definitely like you shouldn't be here

and I was like thank God I don't belong here your pompous wanker anyway we went to the F1 amazing rained a little

bit. It was freezing over there, but it was, did a helicopter over Vegas, the whole bit. And the first night we were there, because it was a night race at the sphere and all this sort of stuff. I was like a kid in a candy store, man. Like, you couldn't wipe the smile off my phone. April was like, I don't think I've ever seen you this happy. I was just in my element. It was great. Got invited to the Raiders game, which was a nice touch. And then flying home. There's an expression I like to use. It's called going from the penthouse to the shit house. Yep. And look, we've had such a great weekend. We're tired, we're going to get on this flight.

It's in economy, whatever. I don't belong here. That's what I was like, I'm not one of you. I was like, I was wiping it down. I didn't just have to sit in economy. I have to, God. I didn't just sit in an economy. Like, I was like, look, I know that was an experience that I have to remember,

but have to know where I belong. And I do belong in the economy. You know, you put the yard dogs in. the yard. Anyway, I get on the plane and I'm like, okay, I'm in the main cabin, great, beautiful. May I ask, middle or are you like on the side of the window? Where are you seated? Well, I purchased seats so that we could be in the two, two-seater, just with each other.

So it's like, there's no one else just so that we can be a bit more comfortable, right? And that's fine. I thought, main... Is it configuration two, three, two? What's the... It was 240. 242. A 242?

2.42 at the back, like, at the back of the main cabin. I've got you. Yes. But the main cabin, and they went up to 44. So I'm like, okay, so it must be, there must be another cabin. Like, you know how the Qantas has the two-story plane. You're up top. And I was like, okay, it can't be that bad. Whatever.

It'll be fine, just the two of us. Anyway, I get on the plane and I keep going back and back and back. I'm the second last seat. So I literally went from the front of the plane to the very back of the plane. to the very back of the plane, my seat wouldn't recline. The cushion had had 3,000 bums on it. I had literally chafed up from my butt to under my kneecap

because of the seat was so uncomfortable. 14 hours of no sleep. And literally like, I could not get comfortable one bit. The guy in front of April, his B.O. was off the Richter. like immediately and the guy in front of me who I know you have made my life more comfortable by farting on aeroplanes on long haul flights domestic long haul fine jinks the guy in front of me I don't know what he ate but the thing is he put out his bag on his on his lap and he used that the whole time like which is smart very smart very smart but he was just letting them fly so

for 14 hours from the penthouse to the shithouse. And I think April and I at one point were like... Do you think it's better to have... Would you go that way? Would you flip it? Flip it. You'd flip it. I think the excitement of the trip makes the economy...

Worthwhile. Fine. Manageable. And it is... Look, honestly, economy is fine these days. Like, especially on a 14-hour flight, all the food's free. The drinks are free. Everything's free.

You don't have to convince me, bro. Economy's tough. Anyway, so I had a couple of gummies just to get to sleep. Didn't work. So I was just high the whole time. Anyway, we made it back in one piece. And I look aged, but one of the best weekends, apart from the chafe on my ass.

Did you bid on business on the way back? I couldn't because I paid for the flights over and the points got me home. And I was so close. And I'm actually lucky I didn't do it. There were seats available in premium economy for the flight home with American Airlines. and I was like, I'm just going to get that.

I need something because, you know, like I've flown premium before and it is a little bit better and it was like five grand. I was like, and then I didn't do it and I got on the plane and saw that it was not going to be worth it. So back I went. How was it coming home to the kids? It was good, man. I really, I really miss them actually.

I missed them on the way home. When you were like dying in the back of the plane. Yeah, when the head noise came I was like, oh God, I miss my kids You know, it was a good trip Like, we were so action-packed We didn't really have a moment to sit and go I really miss the kids

But we spoke to them a few times But like, man, they loved having like Nan and Pop stay over And yeah, they had their own fun You know, they're getting bloody chocolates and shit And I came back and Oscar's got like 50 bucks I was like, what the hell You got more money than me? From who?

Just people bribing him Wow. Anyway, but it was a great trip And I'm back and I'm here It's good to have you back. Thank you very much. I was worried sick. You enjoying yourself over there in Vegas.

Ash in Vegas makes Maddie J a nervous person. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I was like, do you know what? He's with April. He's in safe hands. And the girthmaster. And the girthmaster. Very safe hands.

I should have a moment, if I may. Go for it. Big event yesterday. Go on. Doesn't get any bigger than this. We celebrated the graduation of Lola Johnson from daycare. Congratulations. It's a big.

It's a big step and people without kids don't understand. If you went to me before I had kids and you said, one of the most emotional experiences of your young life as a parent will be when you go to a graduation from daycare, I'd say, shouldn't you celebrate that? You're not paying the fees anymore. Like, why is that emotional? And like, dude, I was standing there.

I had my glasses on because I had a couple of tears. Oh, yeah. Like, it's a weird combination of pride. Yes. Change. Yeah. comfortability and not knowing what's next and parenting is this weird contrast of you want your kids to grow up and become more independent and it gets a little bit easier and then at the same time

the whiplash to that is then going oh my gosh they've changed so much from that little child that little baby that I was once nurturing every year they grow a little bit older they no longer need me as much as a parent and also like you're doing you're in that moment and your iPhone goes, here's a memory from three years ago. And you're like, God! No, I'm already feeling emotional because of, I mean, the change, the growth, and then, yeah, also like the unknown. And then you get the, look at the little baby.

Like my little girl who couldn't even put her shoes on in the morning, couldn't brush her hair. You know, this morning, the morning when she was getting ready for the graduation, she was like, I want to do my own hair. I'm putting my shoes on, and they're on the wrong feet. but that's fine and yeah it's such a big deal you look around and like you know every parent pretty much was like wiping a tear as the child stood there and like waved to us from the graduation seat and you're like oh my god what one of one's going to be like when they move out oh my and it's like

i always joke about like oh i can't wait for him to move out but it's a joke i mean i'm going to be absolutely rattled when Oscar and Macy move out of my house. Like, what's that video of Burt Crash are crying? Because his kids have all flown the nest and gone off to college. And I'm like, why is that guy crying? I understand why he would be so emotional. And I thought, I thought experiencing the graduation first time with Miley, which was emotional.

I thought second time around, it might be a little bit easier. You're experienced. And it's not. It hits even harder now because you're like, this is the last time that she's ever going to step foot in a daycare. From this moment on, she's in school. And I know that when Poppy graduates. Oh my gosh.

I know. I got one more year with Macy at her daycare and that'll kill me. Yeah. And that'll absolutely. And also just the look of pride on their face when they stand there and they're holding the graduation certificate and you're like, it's hard. It's a weird combination. And if you, like you said, if you don't have kids, you won't, you don't understand that feeling. Do you not get it.

It's not a sad. It's kind of a bit sad, but it's also a bit like. prior yeah there's a few heaps of emotions it's a blend of both ends of the spectrum of being incredibly proud but also like god it's so emotional it's an orgy of emotions also big shout out to all the kids out there who are either gone through the graduation or about to have the graduation from daycare it's a very emotional time and it's also very emotional for the parents not just because they are saying goodbye to daycare and it's a big step up into school but because of the time of the graduation okay what do you

mean so we previously had a graduation for marley where it was on i think a thursday or a friday it was on at five o'clock and it ran for a couple hours i think it ran to like seven seven 30 you have the graduation you've got pizza you know oh yeah like a little and then and that was fine it was tricky because you don't get you know the kids are hungry and they're tired so it's you know it's tricky the graduation we had the other day at our daycare was at 11 o'clock i was going to say Was it in Vegas? And for us, I mean, I was on a Thursday, and I've got Lola on a Thursday anyway. So for me, it doesn't put me out because it's great.

It's fine. It's like, it's something to do. Whereas one day I didn't go on the WhatsApp chat for daycare, and then there's like 150 messages. Parents were kicking off. About the time. And I get it. If you, if you've paid the money to have your kid on a Thursday at daycare, you've then got to leave work. You've got to then do the graduation.

the graduation is going to run for like an hour and a half right in the middle of the day you're not going to leave your lunch break yeah but then you're not going to leave your kid at day care people are going to do the graduation and then take the kid home yeah that because you can't you can't be like hey here i am and then like well i'll be back in a couple hours parents we're kicking off absolutely filthy why why did they do that they said they like they've done it the other way in the past they're just trying to keep everyone happy bullshit they didn't want to pay overs do you reckon yeah 100% after 5 o'clock over's on a on a preschool teacher must be diabolical right it'd be double time and a half or some shit like that they said well whether we do it either which way we get the same complaints we can't keep everyone happy just do it just live stream it literally right but it was nice you know the teacher she you know when she said goodbye to the kids she got emotional and it's nice to know the level of an investment when the daycare teacher she was acting is it wow she went to home she's like thank

fuck i was like didn't actually see any she's like she did the old like oh did she was that's nice she was nice there are some really nice teachers out there but then they also have like each kid has their little like they got a little scroll of something i don't don't know what was written on it but they're like let's have timmy come up this is harvard yeah my god it was not i liked it but then the teacher would read out a couple of words about timmy and like some kids had these beautiful like and this This is Sarah. Sarah is one of the warmest children who was friends to all.

Chat, GPT. Always got to smile on your face. We're going to miss her fun games and a hula hooping in the backyard. And then some, you're like, obviously like a naughty kid. They're like, and this is Sean, who we will miss. See you. End off. All the J names.

Just put them all in one. This is Jason. And this is Jack, Jacob, James and Jim. Sue. And it was like, oh, you want to like, keep it even. Yeah, I think, like, it's, like, for them to have to give a little spiel on every kid is a bit much. And, like, what about, okay, what about Marley? Like, coming to the end of the first year of school, do they have, like, an end of year?

They've got the big assembly. Yes. And... Big assembly next week. I don't know what happens. I'm sure I'm going to fucking sit through, like, recorded performances and dance performances in the school choir. What day is yours next week? Tuesday.

Same. Are you a cheer? I'm Tuesday, and Oscar's getting an award. I don't know what for. Wait, wait. Matt, let's get my wife on the phone to find out, because she would know. I unsubscribe to the emails and deleted the WhatsApp group because I don't have time for that. Hey, Ben.

Hey, how you going? Hey, April. How are you? Oh, hey. Oh, hey. Hey, quick question for you. Oh, firstly, your trip looked great, by the way. Oh, it was.

It was so fun. So fun. Except for the flight home with old farty McGee and B.O. B.O. face in front of us. Yeah. forgotten about the bad stuff good that's good that's what I want to hear hey um Oscar's getting an award yeah what is that award for valer victorian whatever it's

called just what so ducks oh I'm joking I know oh sorry that was my dream last night oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you have some weird dreams girl uh now do you know what it's for No, just got told he's getting an award. I think it's just because he is the smartest kid in the class. There you go. That's amazing. Congratulations. He's probably just like attended every day.

Yeah, he gets the attendance award. Oh, God. I'm that mom that just thinks her child's the bee's knees, so. Fair enough. You got to. And he is a great kid. I don't want to meet the parents like my kid. Oh, fuck, he sucks.

You don't want to meet that parent. all right well thank you we'll let you go i thought you had more answers than that but clearly not no i don't i don't think clement to know i think it's a surprise for us and not oh okay well i'll let i can't wait to go for next week yeah yeah big day big day for all of us yeah put in the calendar ashton how did macy i'll put it right after sexual intercourse in the calendar great how did mason go ballet she did really well concert is next week We're all ready. Two ballet classes and we're ready for our concert.

What sort of children are breeding? Just as super athletes. Yes, the bees' knees. The bees' knees. All right. Well, I'll leave you to it. All right. See, bye.

Bye. Oh, wait, that's exciting. I'm excited. Let us know next week. I'm bloody petrified of my little lola. I just hope she's going to do okay at school next year. She's a bruiser, man. She's a bruiser.

I think she'll be good. She'll be fine. She's excited. She turns five in Feb, Feb second, and school starts the week before that. So she's going to be fine. So it's going to go straight in and slide straight in. Promise me? I promise.

And if not, I'll go after whoever it is. Can I just say there was one little child and she gave a couple of gifts, one to my niece and one to Lola, and it was thank you for being my best friend at daycare. Oh, that's so nice. And it was a book about here of the 10 reasons why you're my best friend. kids are so good and I was like that is amazing

but I was also like Lola was like can I unwrap it now and I was like oh yeah sure and then she was going around everyone being like look what I just got and then did you get one

oh that's all good hey you check out this book and I was like oh no I'll hold on to that and she was like fuck off it's my book it's my present She was gloating

and I was like also I was like oh I don't have anything for you because the mum came over with the child and I was like what can I give you uh here's my keys uh matt last week you made me take my shirt off yeah to show you my horsey yes and someone did say to me and now i'm a horse girl you are a big horse girl

anyway um do you know what breed of horse the drawing is probably shetland pony seems about right but i did mention in the last week's episode that my tattoo ass had something much more yeah involved he commented on the thing which is cute because he's cute guy and he's sent me the original drawing to show you what I meant. And brace yourself for this. And then I'll get you to explain what it is to the listeners. Three, two, one, boom. Oh my.

Now you know what I mean. I was not prepared for that. Wow. I may be able to break apples with my bare hands, but that... Also, the horse is in this photo, and it's a wreath of flowers and roses and three beautiful stallions with a couple of birds in the background. the horses have got strong mains in this picture and it's literally from like the top of your pants on your backside

surpass the middle of your back that is huge what would April have said if you got this weird that you had the self-control to say I'm not sure about this yeah I just wasn't like I love the drawing but I don't have that I don't have that in me yeah can I he had more faith in me than I did you've done the right thing here yeah I like it I was like nearly just going to get it. And I was like, oh, no, otherwise, that would really hurt.

Anyway, that's that. I'm just going to really quickly, for listener questions, we did mention the RSL in regards to the venue where Mali had an end of year dance concert. I'm a bit of a mumbler, RSL, someone from overseas, her name is Karen. Shout out to Karen message in the Facebook group. And she said, Mali's dance was at the RSL, as in like, A.R. I S-E-L. R-S-L.

R-S-L as, like, one word, not the, like, not the actual R-S-L letters. Yes. So, what does that stand for? It's Return Services. League? Something. League, let's go league.

So, R-S-L is the shortening of that. It's an acronym, if you will. So, Karen, just so you know, and I'm speaking to you directly, and anyone else who doesn't know what R-S-L mean, it is a pub-casino. Yes. Esk raises money? I don't know. But I do know one thing. They always have

the board that and the board of directors photos up on the wall somewhere and they're all white old men. Yes. Does can confirm RSL stands for Returned and Services League. There you go. There you go. Sorry. I am banned from multiple RSAs. Just so you know.

Ash, it is time for Christmas fails. Now, if you're joining us for the very first time, this is where we celebrate all the wild and terrible disasters that happened during the festive season. And let's be honest, no Christmas is complete without some mild disaster. I know, awesome drama. I love it. We had the divorce last week.

We also had the uncle. Oh, yes. There's always an uncle. If you've got a situation where your uncle has done something inappropriate, please get it off your chest and send it in. Why are they so good at that? There's always one rogue uncle. So this segment was brought to you by Audi.

Good, different. Matthew, I'm going to go first. Please, Ashton. And this one is from Rachel. Hey, Rachel. And Rachel says, She remembers one Christmas as a kid that was a real catastrophe, emphasizing the cat.

So here we go. Mum was in charge of baking desserts for the family, so she spent the day tirelessly baking in the kitchen, whipping up Pav, a feather sponge, and a Christmas pudding, all proudly displayed in the forbidden front room. Can I just say delicious spread. Great selection.

Great work, Mum. Love that. Us kids knew better than to even breathe near the doorway until Christmas Day. Well said. The family cat, however, she did not care for unspoken rules. Classic cat. Santa wasn't the only one who snuck into the house that night. Somehow the cat got into the front room,

jumped on the table and started her midnight dejustation by helping herself to brandy sauce atop of the pudding then she tapped danced her way across the sponge like it was her personal stage destroying it entirely as her paws sunk in like sand only to finish strong by licking the pavdry of its cream a true festive feast was had by the cat

pretty sure we only had a fruit platter for dessert on Christmas day And you just know as well, when that comes out the backside of that cat, that is going to cause an almighty mess. Oh, that litter box. Bin it. It's like an Alan Brickman 2.0. Oh, yeah. I wonder what the cat's name was.

Please, if you have any pets involved in the story, give us the full detail. Breed, age and name. For those wondering, Alan, was it Alan? Alan Rickman. Alan Rickman, sorry. It was a dog that ate all of the croissons to Christmas and then shat all over the presents. A banger.

That was a banger story. This is from Kaira. She writes, we do Secret Santa Steel at Christmas. Oh, that's, there's a name for that. Yankee Swat. I've never done this myself.

We've always done Secret Santa where it's allocated name and you know who you're getting the present for. But this is one where I think you just put the presents in a pile. And you pick one. And you pick one. Very good.

I think. So last year, my hubby brought a joke chocolate Willie for those wondering, yes. That means penis as the Secret Santa present. But the last person to select a present was, oh God.

Granny. The shock, the horror. And no one wanted to trade. Now my hubby is banned from taking part in Secret Santa. Genius. That's a good way to get out of it. But also just don't own up to that. You're like, who was that buying inappropriate gifts for Granny?

I'm going to do that for my nan. I love the ones where they're like they gift their nann things that's from her house. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gold. I got on the quick one here is from Lucy. I did a message in the Life Uncutt group. Oh. Shout out to Life Uncutt.

What a great podcast. Really beautiful hosts. They never shout outside. Carry on. I wonder why they don't shout. Is that I can't even talk. Okay, from Lucy. When my brother was about four, he went into my parents' room at very early hour of the morning.

and asked if he could open a present and my dad, fuck it out, dad, was half asleep and said, yeah, fine. Oh, no. I've done that before where you could ask me anything, like where's the car keys and to like Marley when she was for her, I'd like, here you go, just park it back in the garage. Yeah.

Be careful of your mum's car. So when my parents went downstairs in the morning, they discovered he had opened every, single present under the tree. Every one. Every single one. He just free reign. Good for him.

He can't trust a four-year-old. That's got no self-control. My mum was pissed. Imagine all that rapping to be totally wasted. That's a disaster. That is a disaster. And we love it. We love it.

Okay. And this festive season, if you've got a story just like that. Send it in. Go on. And also, This festive season, if you're thinking about indulging in anything at all, just remember, go on.

It's Christmas. You deserve it. And thanks for Aldi for making this segment possible, Aldi. Good, different. Ash, my friend, I've got to check if Marley's been trying to get hold of me from Sick Bay. And if you've enjoyed this episode, please, like, subscribe, leave a review. Why not? Share with a friend.

Why the hell not? Why not? I always ask myself that. It's never too late to leave a review. It's never why. It's always why not. Thank you. And I think you'll feel better for leaving a review.

Yeah. It just consider it a Christmas present to us. Yes. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. And also on social media, you can find us two dotting dads on TikTok, on Instagram. And there is the Facebook group, which is just thriving.

It is just pumping. And we will see you guys next week to find out what was the award for Oscar Weeks. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dads Podcasts The Tradement The Traditional Custodians of Country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land. I was a ghost, I was the phone, ha, to a chin, ha, these kids are okay, ah, in the throne, I don't know how to believe, I was the queen that I'm meant to be, I lived too lost trying to pit bullsets

But I couldn't find my own place Because the problem's sure that's how I got one But now that's how I'm getting paid The truth is that I'm young hiding Now I'm shining like I'm born to be Because we are hunters' voices stronger now on a muddy