Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #189 Baby Blankets & A Bunk Bed Breakdown

Episode Date: December 9, 2025

As we all drag our tired parent bodies to the end of the year, the boys' focus has moved to sleep and how they can get more of it. They dive into fierce debates over bunk beds and baby blankets and their answers might surprise you! Meanwhile another week and another e-bike fiasco for Matt - they say bad luck comes in threes so hopefully after this one it'll be clear riding from here on?! And Ash has finally lost his mind... literally. One minute he's telling a story, the next minute... everything goes blank. We're still trying to figure out exactly what happened but needless to say many LOLS are had. Plus the Christmas fail that almost burns the house down. ‘Tis the season to let loose, indulge and dive into the holidays, stomach first. ALDI’s great quality range at affordable prices means you can stretch your pants without stretching your budget. Go on, it’s Christmas. See the full range at aldi.com.au/christmas-at-ALDI If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Matt, I just want to start this episode with the small gripe that I've got. Not with you. Great. Continue. It's with all of the bathroom automations that are infuriating because they don't all work. So, sit you saying, just got back from America the other week. Yeah. In the bathrooms, they've got the mirror that has the tap in it, right?

The soap and the dryer. Yep. All under the one. Yes. There's always one thing that doesn't work. Bring back the. old faucet you want to have them segregated or you want the i want the faucet back yeah i literally went to three different ones to try and wash my hand i don't think anyone's asking for like the like sensor

the water sensor no no not one person i know has said oh thank god for the water center and if you're the person who's requesting it then stop it you're the problem you are the problem Welcome back to Two-Doting Dads. I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad.

And the relatable. And you've come for advice. Wrong podcast. Turn around. Stop the car. Stop the car. Indicate. Turn around.

You've made a big mistake. I will turn this car around, Matthew. Before we started this episode. I thought housekeeping was pretty light on and then... It builds up quick. Doesn't it just? It's a full-time job. It's a full-time job.

It's like the laundry. You think you're on top of it all and you're like, oh, that'll be easy. And then you turn around, come back, chuck a block. You miss a day, all of a sudden you've got 10 loads to do the next day. It's a bloody night, man. It's unbelievable. What do you got for me then?

Okay, so just really quickly, I didn't really tell you this because... You're keeping secrets from me. I was keeping secrets. But Marley had an audition. Now, this is not, she does do dance on a Thursday. It's separate. This is a dance that's in the school, like a morning. You drop them off early.

They do it before school. It's part of the school program. Opposed to being an out-of-school activity. It's an in-school activity. You get it. I get it. We're on the same page. And I think they've done this as a genius bit of marketing.

The school? So they have done auditions. Okay. So kids have to learn a dance routine. They come to the school on audition morning. They all then perform the dance. They are auditioning for a role in the dance group for their grade. Can I just say?

Please. They're very young. Are they really going to turn around to a six-year-old and be like, that's what a lot of the parents were saying. They were like, you know, we're all kind of saying, how are you going with the dance? It was a hard dance to learn as well, and everyone was learning it. and we were kind of like, we dropped the kids off

and we're like, oh, you know, good luck, hopefully they get it. And I was thinking to myself, are they really going to turn away kids? Yeah, no, you can't do it. And then I saw the fees. Okay, it's very, for a year, we're talking like 800 bucks. Are they going to dance for you? Like, God's sake. But I think what they've done here is they've done the audition, like a,

to deter parents. No, I think they've done, they've done, they've done the audition as they're like the kids really want it they really want it now because they might not get it so i'm yet to find a parent who hasn't received a congratulations your child has been selected email everyone's got that email okay and i think they just make it seem like there's pretty limited spots here so they try extra hard and do extra work and put more in or you're not fucking picking up i'm not i'm not and i don't appreciate the language okay i'm i'm i'm sorry i think what okay it's a bit break it down to be if i was

a six-year-old. Okay. It's a bit like a rug company. It says we're closing down. Interesting choice. We're closing down. There's a sale. You create a sense of urgency. Okay. There's only a couple of rugs left. They're all half-priced. Come and get your rug.

Are they closing down? No, they're not. It's a mind game. It's a mind game. Okay, I'm getting it. I think this is a mind game that they've done to make it seem like if you get a position in the dance group, you're very lucky. So that makes people want to get in.

And then pay the 800 bucks. And that means that's going to get more people that if it wasn't that much, I'd be like, yeah, whatever. But because all the kids and the parents also so proud, their child has been selected from the audition process, they're like, how could I say no to the opportunity that she's been given because she's been selected? She's won it through the audition.

Okay, I'm with you now. Did they tell you how many spots there were? What? To start off with... No, I'm joking. I was going to say, do we have to start this again? I didn't ask. I didn't ask.

Oh, well. But anyway. Unlimited. Will I pay it? Yes, I will. Well, of course. You can't break. Poor Marley's heart.

She's put so much effort in. This is where they got you. They got you again. They got you more than once. Now we're on the same page. They got you the first time with the rug sale. And now you're in there and Marley really likes a rug. You can't leave without said rug.

I have to get the rug. The rug has to be born. I'm picking it up. Sorry, not just to you, but to the listeners. We're here. We took the scenic route, thanks to me. But, okay, so she made it, in other words. Correct.

So if you didn't, or if you didn't practice and you went and just be like, I want to be in, were they going to be like, you're not going to come in. Maybe. I doubt it. There's got to be some people that were, okay, out of all the people that auditioned, there's got to be some that were crap. I think we can move on for the dance. Okay, cool.

Actually, a quick, quick dance update for you. Macy. So I'm drinking this co-bara. but bloody out, it's like I'm drinking petrol. Wow! I know you don't have ADHD because coffee works for you. Seems to. I got something.

I'll find out what it is. We need to get tested. Macy has started ballet. Very late. Very late in the year. Whoa, what took you so long? Not me. Honestly, I didn't know.

What's your excuse here? It wasn't me. I didn't know she was even doing it. I only found out she was doing it two weeks in. From who? April. They've done it behind my back. No, my mom came down to look after the kids

And she gifted Macy a leotard I was like What's that for? I was like, is this for swimming? She was like, no, it's for ballet I'm like, who's doing ballet? She was like, your daughter? I was like, no, wrong family.

You're in the wrong family. And then I found out she's doing ballet But she fucking loves it. Is she good at it? She's very good at it. She's very passionate. What is she learning? I don't know.

What do they learn at an age? But let's go back to the, late in the year. Two weeks. She said two weeks. She has a dance concert next week. Holy Jesus. That's how advanced my children are, Matthew.

They only need two weeks. No. When did the other kids start learning? January. Okay. All right. So she'll be in the back of the... She'll be front and sent out to you right now.

She is... It's Swan Lake. She does this thing where she goes... And for the listener, it's cool. I don't know what you call it. It's like... And she goes one way and then she... Extend.

She's very graceful. I'll try and get it next time. She's in a full outfit. Where is the dance? No idea. No idea. Two weeks in and she's good. She's good to go.

She loves it. I'm so proud of it. I'm actually happy that she's doing it because she really, really likes it. Is that her one thing? What does she do? What else? Is that? She has a swim lessons.

Are that in ballet? Is that it? Yeah. You have no idea. She could be doing heaps of things. I don't know. She could be in uni. I have no idea.

But I do take it to swimming. on Thursdays and she's very good at that too. Do you though? Yeah, I do, but also Do you? Do you? Yes! I'm just joking. Do you know how I know that? Because last week I took her and it was safety week. Have you heard of safety week? Never heard of it. Okay, so what they do is they... In the pool? Yeah. So you do

the swimming lesson but without, you know, they have to have a swim cap and goggles. No goggles and you put one of their t-shirts on. So it's like replicating if they accidentally fall in fully clothed. They must be... Nailed it. What the fuck is this about? Nailed. She just 50 metres sprint up the pool she was an animal head down shoes on no maybe that's next class make it fun put the shoes in full tucks

in you go have ash calendars oh yeah we just want to say before we share this information this is going to be emotional if you're standing please take a seat I know it's going to be really upset if you're sitting get ready because unfortunately the call has been made

and this is not like this is not a marketing ploy We didn't take this decision line. But just, I want to say, this is not, we're not going to then release a calendar next week and be like, oh, quickly. This is a person. This is set in stone. The calendars the next year will be, tell them, Ash.

MIA. They will not be, we will not be doing a 2026 calendar. Just want to give the listeners a second to just like, gather themselves? That's enough. But we could bring it back to the following year. Yeah. You never know. Too much.

I blame Poppy for this. I didn't want to say it. This is poppy's doing. She came at a time when we would normally be in the thick of training for the calendar. Preparation-wise. You trained? I did. I did train.

I trained. Bintang. Body by Bintang last year. But if people do have a calendar, just enjoy that December. Yeah. It's a good photo. Asher and myself, hosing ourselves down. You could reuse that calendar if you're willing to mathematically jump a day forward for the following year.

Were people actually using the calendar? I think they were using it for smut. Yeah. More, more, yeah. Nan's going to be so upset. She's not going to get to see a fresh set of Maddie J. Sorry. I'll keep her updated with photos.

And later in this app, I do have an update on Nan, just so you know. Okay. Something has stumbled across my desk, Matthew, that I really think the listener and you need to know. Especially, there's all this talk about summer bods, you know, coming to summer beach, bikini. Yep. bikini bod. I've found some extensive research that's been done and I'm going to lay it on you right now.

Is this breaking news? This is not, we call it breaking news, but I'm going to call it it it's breaking research that's really going to help the listener and yourself. Maybe not you because you're quite athletic. Okay. That's a compliment.

Thank you. I want more than that. I really, sorry, I was playing it cool. Okay, research suggests that just thinking about the gym is just as effective as actually going. Who the fuck has said that? I don't know, but I believe it because, you know, I feel like I need anything at this point

to get my summer body back. I don't want to say I don't believe you. I don't want to call you out on your stats because I think the breaking news slash breaking research is a great segment that I want to continue for a long time. But I just think about the credentials of the podcast. I'm not worried about that whatsoever. I'm worried about my body.

And honestly, I'm actually going to say that that research is flawed because I've been thinking about the gym all year and I still look like this. Have you, though? No. But I just thought it was interesting. And I think we've been lied to by the fitness industry and that we should just be thinking about it instead of going. There'd be a lot less drama if you ask me. There you have it. There you have it, guys.

There you have it. You're welcome. You can always rely on me. To bring the truth. So bring the truth to this podcast. Last little bit of housekeeping. Yep. Again, I told you it was chockers.

It is. We've come to the end of housekeeping. There is a parenting hack. Oh, we love that. Ash, in the Facebook group. Mm-hmm. This is from Hannah. This new segment called hack from Hannah.

Thank you, Hannah. It says, this is a great parenting hack. Listen in. If you've got treats and you don't want the kids to find, stash them. in a frozen veggie bag in the freezer. Because kids never looked there. They, yeah, as soon as they see a veggie on something.

And the thing is with that, genius, first of all, Hannah, absolute genius. Here's a little look. That's great. I love... Grab it, grab it. That is a box of favourites in a corn kernel frozen thing. And honestly, if I'm cabri right now, I'm rethinking my whole marketing around the box of favorites. because there's no kids

kids don't have money so don't put it in the box put it in just pre-do it for us I have another parenting hack that I can just quickly drop in here if I made someone said the best place to hide

Christmas presents is in a suitcase that they have in the living room because they said it never goes away off the back of a trip they took six months ago I don't know if you saw when you came in today there was a big suitcase

two of them yeah that's been there for bloody ages oh yeah and I was like That is such a great place to hide the Christmas presents. In plain sight. Do you know what I did, and this is not parenting hack? This is pre-engaged hack.

Yep. Because we know how hard it is to hide a big purchase from your partner at the time in terms of buying a ring for engagement. Yep. So there's that. But then once you have it, and that's nervous and nerve-wracking enough, because you've got something that's quite substantially expensive in and around. Where do I hide it?

You freak out. You think, I've got to find, I hid April's on our dresser in our bedroom for three months literally in plain sight and she didn't see it at all Like in a box? It was in a box in like a knick-knack box that she would rummage through Didn't even see it. That is bold.

I was like, you know what if she finds it, it's a funny story. The arrogance of the man. I just thought, stuff it. She found it and then when you propose, she was like, oh, what a surprise. I don't have thought about that. Sorry. Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. But two very good hacks.

There you go. In plain sight. Vegis is a good one because it's usually the first thing they learn about when they go to school because of the alphabet and the corresponding veggie. So if they shouldn't see carrot, frozen carrot, like, ugh. Yeah. Oh, that shit. No interest whatsoever.

Wack. There's chocolate in there, you sucker. Ash, I'm dying to hear about your nan. It's funny you mentioned dying because there's stories about that. She's not dead. Thank God. I just want to chuck that in there. quick but my nan who is a very big fan of the calendar she doesn't know what a podcast is she

collects spoons if i'm not mistaken she collects spoons elvis memorabilia and two doting dad calendars she's got a garad four is this your mum's my dad's mom your dad's mom yeah if you spend any time with her you would know she's definitely from the outside of the family she's in the inner west inner west no out of west out of west yeah she's way out there no it's marylands What did she call herself? The Queen of Marylands, which she kind of is. And this kind of would maybe help that case. She is getting quite old, but she's really, really with it.

She is quick as a whip. And I love that. How old? 88. Wow. Yeah. Good innings. She lives on her own and quite often I go over to see her.

Will she make 100, do you think? Yeah, easy. Love that. Jesus, touched all the ward in this house. Oh, God. hang in there I think so yeah but she

anyway I do go out and visit her quite a bit you're very good thank you I thank you the traffic's terrible I know you man it sounds like cool here you're like driving back from Nans oh man it takes me forever I stay out there a lot too

because it's like she's on her own also I get an underway from the kids and it's quite like cool but she could talk the leg off a chair that's for sure I wonder where I get it from anyway

every time I go out there she's sort of something obscure Like she's on the roof Or some shit fixing the tile She's just one of those people It has to do everything herself Blah blah blah And I'll be honest

There's a during COVID Can I just say Ash is not lying I think it was four weeks ago You came over She was there like Oh yeah she was on the road She was like

Nail gun in hand fixing the roof Yeah she was fixing one of the tiles on the roof I was like How did you get up there She was like I climbed up I'm like okay How did you get a roof tile up there She's like I climbed up with the roof tile

Like I'm the idiot It anyway, I was like, can you get down? But during COVID, I used to, you know how strict it was? We can't leave your suburb. I changed my address and my license to her house so that I could come and go. I was like, please. And I would stay there quite often. And I would get out there at say midday.

And she's not opposed to a midday nap. I used to have to check her pulse, yes. Walk in, go to the couch, check a pulse. And she'd go, ooh, wake up. But she recently took a trip to Tasmania with my sister to see her brother. and she had come back and then I went out to see her a couple of days after that

and the first thing she said to me she just launched into this story and she said, my neighbours thought I was dead. Did you know that? I was like, how am I supposed to know that? You didn't tell me that.

So what's happened is she has come home from this trip, exhausted, fallen asleep in the bed, which is the front of the house, windows are everything open. Like, you know, think she was dead the neighbor was trying to wake her up because they hadn't heard from her they knew she was going to be back they always check on it which is lovely and shout out to them

and nothing no movement the cat was in there the cat was asleep next to her because they they do say the cats cats will eat you anyway i'll get there and the cat was like sorry shut up sorry anyway so knocking then they go get some more neighbors try and find a way into their house because she's so exhausted they're like she's fucking dead yeah like mouth open yeah mouth open and then the police turn up the two ambulances turn up and she finally comes to and wakes up she's surrounded by the police she must have been having a good nap they'd broken in through the door oh fucking hell they're surrounding it like she was dead and she was like oh like this and they were like we thought we thought that you would you

you had you had passed and they're like what made you think that and they were like oh we couldn't wake you up and the cat was in and around you and when you die if you're a cat owner the the first thing they do is they eat you and she was like that explains the bite marks so the cat and even thought she was dead and she was like you can imagine my shock when i wake up from a nice little nap and there's i'm surrounded by police and manpower in front of her yeah she's like they're not the only people who thought i was dead i I thought I was dead. Who pays for fixing the door, by the way?

I think the neighbour just fixed it. I think because she's got like one of those security screens because she lives in quite a hairy suburb. Mind you, she slept right overnight through that. The next day... People wondering there's a shooting in the area. Oh, yeah, you always see a shootings in the area. But it was...

Well, I've lost my train of thought. It happens so quick. It's gone. that's got what was i saying what was i just what story was that there was a shooting oh yeah yeah yeah are we back no what the fuck just happened someone just like am i dead anyway so you're like and then the next thing she literally that is what just that's that was what my brain looked like someone just hit you in the tranquilizer oh anyway She's completely fine, thank God.

But the whole ordeal, and actually that's what brings me back to the Queen of Maryland. She was actually quite flattered by the whole experience. Oh, yeah, it's good to know people care. She was like, I didn't think that many people cared about me. The whole neighbourhood was over. I'll pretend that I'm dead more often. It's just like, I'm concerned with how easy I die. I was like, you're fine.

Anyway, Nan, shout out to you. You've never listened to a podcast. You're never going to hear this. But it's good to know you're still with it. Yeah, tell her I say hi. For now. Ash. Yes.

A couple of stories for you. I'd like to tell you one that my mother told. Tell me if you think this is an appropriate story to tell a six-year-old. I'm going to tell you right now. It's not going to be. I can tell. It's nothing too juicy. We were in the car.

I was driving. My mum, lovely Nana, bless the cotton socks, was in the passenger seat. In the back was Marley and Lola. For those wondering, Marley's six, Lola's four. And as they should be in the back of the car. Thank you. Legally, just for the police to sing out there. We are all adhering to the appropriate road rules in this household.

Service New South Wales, we hear that. But my mum was like, we're talking about Santa Claus and my mum, who loves a random fact. Oh, yeah. She'll just spit it out. She'd be like, do you know what the name windmill comes from? And you're like, fuck, I'm like, here we go. And she goes to Mali, like over her shoulder in the car. It was a long car trip, so, you know, searching for some conversation.

And she goes, do you know why Santa Claus was? Where's red? Oh, God. And I was like, maybe, I don't know, she... I don't even know this, so I'm going to learn to. Well, she, and Marley's like, because it's his favorite color? Good answer. Should have just said, yes.

Yes. My mum goes, well, actually, Marley. Oh, God. Well, actually, Santa used to be green. And the reason why Santa is now red is because Coca-Cola ran a marketing campaign where they dress Santa in red because they were wanting to promote the product around Christmas time more, have more people purchase Coca-Cola. Since then, Santa Claus is now red.

And I was like, I wonder how much he got paid for that. What the fuck are you saying? That's an amazing marketing campaign, I will say, still paying off for it. Credit where credit is due. Yeah. Well done Coca-Cola. I wonder what sort of pool you have to have to change it to a different color. Let's do it.

Go on. But I was like, what are you saying, mum? And she's like, what? This is interesting. I said, yeah, but fuck. Talk about taking the magic out of Christmas. You pretty much brand-hored Santa. Yeah, and Marley is like a sponge.

Sometimes when she's into something, she just locks in. So now she's been telling everyone. She's like, you know why Santa Claus wears red? And I'm like, it doesn't have the same feel about it when you talk about Santa Claus being a victim of great marketing from Coca-Cola. Yeah, it's like, well, how do you explain the white? I'm like, for God's sake. And I'm like, what were you thinking, Ellie?

Who's the neighbour of my mum? And she's like, what? And I'm like, I just... Is that real? Is it me? That's real. When did this happen? So in the 1930s?

Didn't start him wearing red, but just really popularised him wearing red. Is that so? Yeah. Yeah, there you go. There you go. That is an amazing fact, Ellie, but also, not for a child. Am I? Right?

Right. At least it's not inappropriate. It's not inappropriate. I was expecting way more inappropriate from your mum. But it does take. Tell me. Tell Ash. Tell that story to Ash Wicks. I'm intrigued.

Don't tell it to a six-year-old. I want to know. Okay, let me ask you a question. If a brand these days were going to do the same campaign, which brand do you think it would be, and what colour do you think Santa would end up being? McDonald's, yellow. Oh, God, you really hit that hard, and I think you bang on.

Thank you. Oh, even Amazon, yellow. Can you imagine the big men. in yellow I think it's quite flattering Avazon orange let's agree

to disagree sure sure but hey that's good but not for a shot I will be having a word

to your mind I do have one more just quick little mention yep go on unless no I don't want to

I got nothing okay I'm underprepared I don't know if this has ever happened to you just very quickly Ash just this is like a PSA

the EB bike. Yeah. My e-bike, I don't know what your, you have a different one to me. Surely Santa's slate is now electric. Just saying. It doesn't need to be. Oh, the rangers.

It's not, it's not petrol. It was diesel one time. It runs unleaded. E-10. Nah, it gets some good stuff. 98. Sorry. Please.

So the e-bike. My one has a kickstand where it's like a little prong either side. Either side. Yes, thank you. Like a chicken wish. Like a wishbone, yeah. So you put it down, you're then like a scooter. Oh, yeah.

And so the back wheel is then elevated. So you like pull it back on itself, back wheel elevated, a little prongy to side. Well explained. Boom. The issue is sometimes if the floor is not quite level and you lean, like the kids sometimes go to climb up on the bike to get up on it and it's not level. And I'm like, fuck, be careful. The things are going to fall down and it weighs a ton.

The size, it's like, Huge hog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mine is massive. That's what she said. Thank you. I was racing at the door, very late. You late?

No. Shut up. So I got the bike out. I then put the prong down, put the kids on the bike, realize, hang on a second, oh my gosh, where's my helmet? You check your pockets for it, did you? Helm was in the garage.

Okay. So I thought, kids are just there. Kids run the bike. I said to them, Just don't lean. Hang on, you told a six and a four year old not to lean. They're like, what? So I quickly run, get my helmet.

As I'm inside the garage, I turn around and the bike, it was slow motion. It was just, and my kids looked at me like, Daddy. And I'm there like, I try to run to. catch the bike before it hits the deck because yeah it's quite behind the bike the bike the bike. The bike falls over with both my children in the back of the bike. Oh, yeah. On to the footpath? On to the footpath.

Oh my good. Helmets on, obviously. Helmets on, thank heavens. But screams! Oh, mate, I can imagine the gurgling screams coming from two girls who didn't lean. And I was embarrassed and the annoying thing was one of my neighbours who I don't really know happened to be walking past and she was lovely she was trying to help the situation and I'm there like screaming kids like trying to pull the bike back up and she's there being like oh my god let me help you off the floor and I was like it's okay it's okay and she then stood there and the kids

were like daddy why like you pushed them and I was like is anyone hurt and then she's still standing there and I was kind of like oh thank you very much can you fuck off like seriously i know and i was also so late as well and i was just like this is the last fucking thing that i need right now two crying kids on the back of a bar and i'm there trying to comfort my kids as this woman's seeing if she can offer any assistance but also kind of judging me as you would but also can you still fuck off that'd be great she did it she hung around i was like and then i literally was just like get the fuck out of here the problem is with also getting them back on the bike and trying to get out of there as quickly

as possible. Then you're going to look like a guy's kidnapped two kids. Right. Because you're like, how? Oh, I feel for you in that E-Buy. But if she's listening,

she's probably not, but just... She's actually right here. Thank you. She's not left. She's still... She's been there in shock. She's in the,

at the crime scene where you pushed your children off the E-bike. And then, like, getting him on the bike the next morning. Oh, because they get so easily traumatized. The thing about kids, they're so easily traumatized.

I know. Get over it. Go, move on. Just suppress it like us And then in your 30s Bring it back up That fucking e-bike I'll get you

Matt We haven't done this in a little while That's sex I didn't want to say that Oh wow To the listeners Yeah You're quick with it on that one

Where was I I've been shot with a tranquilizer again But we haven't done Parenthoodnalise a little while We've got a couple quick ones We just want to Just very quick Yeah very quick

This would be honestly It's a flash in a pant But it's good to hear this song again Tell me live Tell me sweet little lies Tell me like Matt I'll go first We have received this in the Facebook group

Which is thriving From Jessica From Jess, Jessica However you like to be called Jesse I don't mind It is written as Jessica In my notes here it says Jess Well look

I'm here to save time I'm here to save time A little parenting lie, I told my two-and-a-half-year-old yesterday. She loves to jingle the decorations on the Christmas tree, so I told her that if she knocked the tree down, then Santa wouldn't know where to put the presents. Very good. So far, so good.

They do love a ball ball. They smash them because they think they're going to bounce back up. I know. I did a post in the two-doting dad. The Instagram page of Christmas trees in the households where there's a toddler and all the like the fencing that you have to put up or like you decorate it just from like kind of chest up yeah I think you got a better chance of actually fencing the kid in and leaving the tree out to flourish this one is from my sister

this parenting lie and happened this morning because we were at the cafe I got a coffee she got a coffee we're with our kids Lola and our little Shazzy Magazi who's my niece shout out the Shazzy and we got them a chocolate cookie cut it in half and then my niece ate like a half of her half. So there was like a quarter left. And I was like, you're going to finish that chance? And she goes, I can't. And I was like, why not?

She's like, I'll get butt worms. And I was like, what? Ah, the old chocolate butt worms. Yeah, I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, you know, like the buttworms you get when you have too much sugar. Your sister's going. And yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, fucking play a lot with them.

And I was like, oh, okay. And my sister goes, yeah, that's right. because, you know, when you have too much sugar, then the butt worms come. That's because they like the sugar that comes out with your poo. And I was like, oh, okay. That's good. That's good.

Because, I mean, I always think, like, I'm not going to associate sugar with worms, but now I am. I mean, yes. Is buttworms the scientific name for them? I mean, I don't, maybe someone did get worms in their household. But it's good. I think that's a good one. It's a banger.

If you got any other little ones like that, send them on him. We'll try and read it whenever we can. Whenever we get time, our busy schedules. But Matt, this will be quick. Two minutes. Yeah, no, I've got plenty of time. Me too.

Don't worry. I've got to know what to be. You're here. I'm home. Yeah. I'm fine. You on the other hand. I'm not leaving.

Matthew, this is a question from the Wicks household, which happens to be my household because I live there too. But it's from my wife specifically because she's a worry warts sometimes. Shout out to April. Shout out to April. Is she still listening every episode? No. No.

No. start. Yeah, she dropped off. Damn it. Imagine having to listen to me at home and then going anywhere and listening to me again. Yeah. Sounds like it's a lot. Even I don't want to do that.

But this is from April, who will be hopefully on the podcast next week for a little cameo to say hi. We have decided to get the kids bunk beds. Congratulations. That's a huge milestone in any family, any relationship really. Who is driving this? You, the kids. Me. Go on.

Me, because I'm sick of... Okay, so I'll just paint you a picture really quick. Their bedroom, two beds, like a prison cell. Let's be honest. But much nicer, a prisoner would be happy to be in there. But there's no room for anything else. Yeah. So that means where are their toys and their belongings?

Yes. In the living space. Oh, for God's sake. And it's already a unit. Yeah. You know? So I'm just sick of all the toys everywhere. which there's no point packing them up all the time

because they just get them back out again and I don't mind if their room's going to be dirty and then packed up at the end of the day, fine. But it's hard to do that in the living space when I keep kicking them and shit. So my question is, Matt. Can I just say before you ask the question? I think bunk beds, you're going to look at the room configuration

like town planning. You have standalone houses, a freestanding house. But then when the population gets too full, you got to go up you got you got you got to go you can't you got to there's no more space left you're making a lot of very good points you got to go high rises so you're at the point right now where you're going to skip the duplexes you're going to go straight to the apartments yeah i want to i want to build up yeah like the gold coast essentially yeah if anything i would like to build them up and out of my house but they're only children man and we can't do that

yet so we have decided that we want to do that it's not 100% so the question comes from April because she likes to overthink things. What is she what's, where's their mind going? She wanted to ask you because you have bunks for your girls and have done for something. You were actually our trial period. We decided to do this months ago. But we're going to see if there was any injuries. Wait if Matt and Laura lose a child. Yes. Look, we are a bunk family. Very proud of it. Yeah. Having a bunk family for two years now. I'm a fan of a bunk. I would get a bunk bed than

the master, if possible. I grew up in a bunk household. So we're a generational bunk family. Well said. My mother was also part of a bunk family. I thought she came from the hammock family. It was a hammock initially, then transitioned

to a bunk. So we go bunk's way back. And I can't imagine life any other way. We have not. Touch wood. There's a lot of touching of wood today. Oh, wow. Poor table. We've not had any issues, I don't think. But we've got a great little barrier.

Like, Marley's up top. Elders goes up top, it's just a given. That is a given, yeah. And Macy's a bit upset about that. No, I mean, it's... Which I'll update you all once it happens. You're talking about prison cells, the stronger prisoner goes up top. Is that right?

The bitch goes downstairs. No offense to Macy. No. Sorry. Well said. But Laura, can I just say, Laura was also a bunk family. And she broke a leg. It is a true.

love story when two bunk families come together what's the evolution of the bunk do you think do we're going to are we going to go down we're a basement family is there anyone out there who's in a triple bunk yeah do remember the caravan cabins had three bucks i know is if if anyone lives in that leather mattress the fuck was that about send us a photo and like i want to hear from you more bunks the better yeah so okay pros actually can i just say you're more pro can i is that my sister has the bunk the double downstairs the single up top yeah that's good good

that's a nice that's a nice one then it's like that who gets the double then so then then you transition to the eldest gets the double to okay yeah it's there's a hierarchy here which do you know what i would really like is a double double double but that's for for us so the sex on the bottom sleep on the top i'm yet to see a double double no have you got a picture of a double If you have a double-double in your house, I fucking want to see it. What's better? A double-double or a... Triple. Or a three-stack.

A three or a four-stack. That's ridiculous, Ash. What about a built-in one? Sorry. You build your house around it. We're getting very carried away. Sorry, okay. All right, let's go back to the question of hands.

What was the question again? If you didn't stop us. Oh, God, Elvis. We did just say, there's nothing going to be like a couple minutes of these questions, but it was turning to like a six minute question. Pros and cons, pro, room. There's more room for activities. I know.

After this. No, I think deep dive. Game changer. Game changer. Just the amount of space. Once I installed the bunk beds, it was like, holy, it was just unreal. Stepbrothers were onto something. Like, that is.

Room for activities, unbelievable. Like, it's phenomenal. The only con I'm seeing that if potentially a child was to fall off the top one. And that leads me to my next point. Okay. Laura was about four or five and she was put on top bunk Or I think she was in a room Her sister had the top bunk

And her sister dared her to jump off I could be making this up This sister's like an Olympic gymnast I know Something happened Whether or not it was Laura or the sister That's for another time But Laura snapped her femur

That's a big bone I don't want to freak out April But let's cut that right out There's photos of Laura being carried around by her grandpa and she's got the cast from toes all the way up like full leg

full leg that is brutal yeah but they did jump they jumped it wasn't there will be a very stern word before anyone touches the bunk bed you're gonna lay down the rules you jump off this bed you're out you're out of here

I'm jumping off straight away yeah look I think we're I think you sold it to us actually one question I On the back of these, you have something on the floor in your kids' room. A rug. But that's different. It's quite spongy.

What's the deal? That. It's just a long-haired rug. Am I thinking you had something else on there before? Oh, we did have like a... Was it like a play mat? We had... Quite thick, though.

We went the rug and then the foam mat on top. That's what it is. The double mat. And you've got carpet. But it was like, you know, I was like hitting the ceiling. it was just too much too much height too much mat too much mat

that's me okay good I'll pass that on but she'll probably because what do you got because we had carpet rug mat Jesus it was like a fucking and when you stood on it carpet rug mat mat mat

what are those cakes called it's a trifle trifle you had a trifle of mat it's a triumph actually Laura had a trifle of mats if you were standing on it anyway I will pass this on. We have timber flooring. So that's going to be really nice when Oscar falls on

that. We'll hear it at least. Yours you wouldn't hear. He'd be like, dude. You'd sink into the triple mats. Good luck with that. Thank you. Good luck. Next question. I have a quick question. Yes. Can I wait to figure out what configuration you're going to have for the bunks because you can sometimes go like the t-bunk. You're going to come over next week to record and you're going to find that'd be good. I can't wait. Question for you and for all the listeners as well. Let's just preface this by saying, we will not go on a tangent with this question.

Well, I can't promise to it. This is short and sharp. When you have a baby and when you're in the hospital, you get given a blanket. The striped blanket. One thing I really want to know, Ash. This is, hang on, we're talking about the multicolored,

standard blanket that says you've had a kid. That's the birth certificate This may be a controversial take Got it But are you allowed to take that blanket from the hospital? Yes Okay I see you've got it

So those wondering You also agree with me That is it I'm going to be put in jail for this No That I'm a strong believer That that's a birth certificate I you're allowed these right

Yeah Someone once told me That they had the midwife Like a midwifery program And they come to your house at like the four week mark or something and they forgot about the blanket and their midwife was like

oh where's the little baby saw the baby had this wrapped around it and she was like yanked it off the baby and was like I just pictured the baby spinning in the air

like it's not like one of those magic treats you whip off and the country stays it just goes put it in her bag and she was like I'll be taking that

thank you very much oh I'm pretty sure New South Wales health are going to let you snap and they're like oh I'm so sorry she was like the nerve she was so offended you're on the list have I people you've been blacklisted

don't come for me please no I think it's fine we don't add a lot of money to the hospital that's just paying the fees I say this yes and it's good when you have a pet at home and it's your first child and you can take the blanket home before the child gets home to let the pet sniff it and the climatise

to the incoming child so I think fine and I'm not here to condone behavior of taking items from hospitals. Is it a private hospital? But I did take a couple of computers. You know the machines that go, clear, boom! Look an MRI scanner.

So I'm not in trouble. No, not by me, not. Great. We'll let the listeners decide that. All the nurses out there, God. Oh, you go. Fucking hell. You got rural nurses.

Matthew, Christmas fails. We love them. And sadly, this is the last time we're doing this segment. I know. We've enjoyed it. We've loved it. It's been a pleasure. But sadly, all good things have to come to an end. Yes. I'm going to kick this off, if you don't mind. I thought you'd never ask. From someone named Anna.

And Anna writes, this is mum's story for when she was a kid, just for some context. So, her mum, which is her grandmother, wanted to decorate the tree with real candles. That's got disaster written all over it, doesn't it? That's how houses used to burn down. Yeah, it's like that's how bushfires starts, man. We're not living in the 1800s. That's something like Oscar Ville Lokelitz Light, a real candle. Anyway.

Also, can I just say those trees are flammable, whether they're real or plastic, just all flammable. That will go up in a heartbeat. Continue. Simple, trees, flammable. The tree caught a light. Oh, shocker. And a twist that no one saw coming. No one saw it coming, yeah, this could be a briller.

So, my grandpa grabbed it, took it outside, and smashed it to the ground. ground to extinguish the fire, he also smashed all grandma's vintage glass ornaments to pieces. No shit. That's what you get for getting a real candle. Someone should have stepped in and

stopped grandma. Does grandma know basic fire safety? Like, have you seen the footage of those Christmas trees going up? No. Mate. There's a plastic lights? It was a real one. It was like disposing of the Christmas tree after

Christmas and someone lights it like it is it's like a blowtorch like this is what i'm gathering from christmas as i get older we're promoting break and enters with santa firstly and now we're bringing a highly flammable tree inside the house like what do you think it's going to happen i think personally christmas should be an outside activity i i hate to attack granny for this but you had it coming absolutely this is your fault i'm going to start a petition christmas is an outside activity moving forward. Okay. This one is from,

oh, it's from Mel. Hello, Mel. She writes, at the annual Christmas water fight with the cousins. Okay. I like that. We went through fire to water real quick.

We all have traditions, the annual Christmas water fight. Okay. I was on the balcony launching water bombs like I'm trying to baptize the entire neighborhood. A solid right arm hook over the balcony

and my shoulder pops out. and is dangling there like a cheap pinata. Dad comes to the rescue and pops my shoulder back in with the confidence of someone who's watched half a YouTube tutorial on it. Love that. Oh my God. But I ended up in the ED the next morning, followed by a road trip to Byron in a sling for New Year's,

my shoulder has never been the same since that Christmas. The vision of it dangling like a pinata. I can, oh, I know. Have you ever dislocated anything? that again touch wood the touching of the wood continues no i'm yet too goodness i'm yet i used to have a friend who would always disliked his shoulder it would like come in and out well everyone has that friend yeah he'd like fall to the ground and be like it's out and then he'd be like he'd be like oh it's back in oh they'd be like walking along like hey matt

matt i have a final one for this segment and the final segment of said segment thank you well said this one's actually from your wife wife. Oh. Oh. So it's a voice recording. So I don't know this is doing yet. So we'll just see what she has, but it's heard it's very good. So I have a little Christmas fail of my own. Many moons ago when I lived with an ex-boyfriend, we decided to do... Delete it. We decided to do a family Christmas and have all our friends over because we're in our 20s and we were cool and we were going to do our own little Christmas thing. And I'd never really cooked before. But I was really, really hell-bent on doing a pork roast. So I bought this massive.

pork and I cooked it and it was look at the pork was great but I hadn't nailed the crackling so I called my mom and I was like mom I've got all these people over and I need the crackling to be perfect what do I do and she was like oh just chuck it under the grill and so I didn't realize just how quickly pork crackling cooks under the grill and so I put it under there and I thought I'll give it 15 minutes and I came back and my kitchen was on fire so that really put a agenda on Christmas day because well we ate on the balcony but a Apart from that, yeah, the landlord was not too happy about having to replace the oven and also the splashback of the entire kitchen.

So that was fun for me. I don't think any landlord's going to like their kitchen going up. I love the message. Like, hey, the oven's broken. You please get it fixed. I come over to inspect it and like, this is not broken. It's burnt down. I do like a Christmas fire.

I'm all for it. As long as no one gets hurt. Absolutely. Flammable trees. Sorry, let me just put that out there. As long as there's no injuries, I'm all for it. And as long as no vintage glass ornaments are broken, sorry, Nan. Sorry, Nan.

Well, she had that coming. She had that coming. That's her own fault. Thank you. Now, if you don't want any Christmas fails, what do you do, Matt? You go to Aldi. Of course. Go on.

It's Christmas. Just indulge yourself. You deserve it. It's been a tough year. And we want to thank Audi for this segment. Aldi, good. Different. Ash.

Yes. I think that is this episode. Oh, God, yeah. Wrapped up in a nice, neat little package. I'm going to sort of throat. If you like this episode, please leave us a review. Do not dobb us in for the blanket. Absolutely not.

No, five stars. A few comments, whether it be on Spotify or Apple, and you can, of course, find us. If you miss us, you like Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and you think, gosh, just want some Maddie Jane Ash. It's good news. You can jump on social media. Instagram.

Everywhere, pretty much. Two dating dads. There's a Facebook group. It's great. It's going off. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube. And then we'll see you guys. I don't know, maybe next week.

See ya. Bye. community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.