Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #204 So We're Giving Advice Now

Episode Date: February 10, 2026

We know, we know - we said we'd never give advice. But our inbox has been heaving with questions from mums & dads begging for advice and we started to think, with five kids between us and two hundred eps under our belt we do know a thing or two about parenting.  So we're opening the floodgates, starting with a new dad who desperately wants to know if there is light at the end of the tunnel while in the thick of those sleepless newborn nights.  Plus Ash reveals there's something strange keeping him and Macy up at night at the moment.  And Matty shares the chaos of Lola's first week at school. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Matt, quick question for you. Hit me. Before we get going. Vacation care for you guys. Have you ever had a bike and scooter day? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have a bike and scooter day. They're setting themselves up for carnage, aren't they?

When we have them, we're always like, put pants on, no dresses, knee pads. Forsaken, let's go. They much churned through the band-aids on that day. I walked in to pick Oscar up, and it was like... A war zone. It was like a war zone. D-day. It was like behind enemy lines.

Omaha Beach. It's like I come. No, it was a Dunkirk. Stepping over limbs. There was his kid just like bellowing in the corner. And I looked at Oscar and I was like, what happened? He was like, someone run over him. Missing fingers.

Welcome back to two-doting dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And look, I feel like sometimes recently, we have accidentally.

been giving advice. Yeah, we're evolving. But if it's advice that we've given, we have literally learnt that within the 24 hours of us regurgitating it to you. So it's new year, new rules, some advice will be given occasionally. It'll be peppered in. Here and there. Here and there.

When we don't... Take it or leave it. Yeah, exactly. Very good. Very good. Ash. Kids are back school. Kids are back.

Kids are back. Except, I feel like here in New South Wales. people need to be on the same page. What do you mean? All the schools were starting at different weeks. I was there at cafe and then one parent was like, what fuck your kid's doing? And I was like, what do you mean?

They're like, my kids are at school. And then I panicked and I was like, here have mine. I thought maybe I got the dates wrong. Yeah, I think what, private schools went back? Well, I don't know. It's a minefield. It is a minefield.

Do you know, who makes this decision? There's someone in an office somewhere going, let's confuse the fuck out of everyone next year. You start there, you start over here. I actually, I think, I know that the school holidays over the summer period are too long. Oh, preach, brother. Oh my God. I was like, oh.

It's too fucking, it's too long for the parents. It's too long for the kids. I reckon. Try not drinking through it, bro. I reckon we should go back to school like mid-Jan. Yeah, I think that's appropriate. I think they do it so long because they're. like, well, I've got a public holiday in there somewhere anyway.

Like, Australia Day. We may as well stretch it out to Australia Day and then we're like, and then add on one more week. And I saw, saw my therapist yesterday and I was like, you're not going to believe this, 57 days sober. And she was like, over the school break too. How did you do it? And I was like, actually, yeah, I was like, I did have a few mental breakdowns across

that like six weeks. Just a cup. It was pep it in that six week period. I was like, we all need to separate. It was like a reality TV show. Actually, I do want to talk about your therapist. Do we want to talk about housekeeping? The house is quite clean.

The house is clean, but there is more to get through. For once. Matt, I have some breaking news to kickstart the year. It's been a little bit of hiatus on the breaking news. I actually, I wasn't sure if it was coming back. I was always confident. I shat on it last time we recorded. And it was a friendly little banter, like, you're a bit shit.

I still love you. I took it. I missed it last week. And I'm sure the listeners also missed it. Well, I've got it just a quick one. Please. Just for, because school's gone back. Breaking news.

Thank you. Nearly a third of kids can't use books when starting school and try to swipe them like phones. So I told you you'd love that one. Yes. Okay. Mate, that is, it's wild watching my children navigate my phone. And comparing it as well to Nana, who's bless her cotton socks, 74. And she's there like...

The biggest font. I've called someone. accidentally. That's the police. I'm so sorry. I'm like, fuck. Anytime I've asked that, I'll like take a photo. I look over and the phone's on fire and she's like, help me. Yeah, there's one good thing about it is like we, you can get them to take photos and stuff now of you. Like, it's like, yeah, I don't need a tripod. Like yesterday, Oscar helped me film a video celebrating him going back to school and how relieved I am. And I was like, hold this and film for me. And it was like, get him on the books. Yeah. Get him editing.

He's a tax deductible immediately. I, I feel like I put so much attention into Mars. pre-day-one of school. And Lola, I'm like, the teacher will figure it out. Let it be someone else's problem. 100%. How is she going with it? Because, Lord, this would be day two. Before.

Oh. Before we do that. We've got to talk about the dishwasher because that was a topic which exploded amongst the Dota's. Because just for people who may have missed it, I come from a family where we believe that opening a dishwasher after it started. Or mid-cycle? Cycle.

Cycle started. Dish washer is, it's often running. I will then open it if I've missed a piece of cutlery, which often happens. No qualms. Yeah. Ash found that out. The hard way. Disbelief. I was in disbelief. I didn't know you could do that. You didn't spill a drop of water. It turns out it's more common. I'm the uncommon one. Everyone was like, yeah, this is part of the course. Like, what are you fucking worry about? But I've got an update on the dishwasher itself. Because I was so baffled by you doing that. I went board. a new dishwasher because I'm like I'm fucking doing this for myself. You bought a new dishwasher? Remember I told you this last week. Full disclosure. Yeah? I bought the same dishwasher. The Fisher and Michael. Oh, it's your

Fisher and Parker. It's LG, isn't it? You don't listen to me. You don't listen. This is getting out of hand. At what point in housekeeping? At what point do you start listening to me? Normally 20 minutes in. You just like, everything's just like, whoosh. What brand did you get? It's an LG. They're good. Yeah. They're good. One gripe I've got with I don't even really care.

Oh, fuck, and hell. Yeah, you're going to regret this. Let me just say that. Tell me more about you. You're going to pour your heart out to me with something. I'm going to be like, I'm not really interesting. What, when I'm talking about the new blender that I got? Yeah, you're talking about when you cried about one of your kids, I'm going to be like,

I get over. I've noticed with your family is you put it on periodically through the day. Psychotic. I don't know why you do that. I slowed it up. Hang on, what's your dishwasher schedule? I load up through the day. Copy that.

On during the night. Yeah. Probably better for the environment. I'm here helping. You're here distracting. I'm, once it gets over 70%. We're looking at net zero over here, Matt. Actually, I think even the government's given up on net zero.

So I'm, yeah, whatever. But it's one of those dishwashers that plays the tune at the end. It keeps waking me up. It's so fucking loud. How do I turn it down? I don't know. There's got to be, like, I've got the LG dryer. Or the washing machine.

And when it finishes, it's like a fucking album of like, it's LG's Grand's hits. And then the moment you think it's going to stop, it's like, it gives you like the second verse of the national anthem that no one knows. Like far out. And there's got to be a button just to go, hey, I don't need that. Yeah, shut up. I keep thinking you'll just get used to it.

It's like living under a flight path. You get used to it. It's not happening. It keeps waking me up and scares the shit out of me because it gives an initial beep, like, before it gets into the tune. Please the throat. It's like, you know, those little things that you make sure you're in key? And I'm like, what are your neighbors thinking?

I don't know yet. Is the dog okay? Yeah, I'm just like, what the fuck? Like, everyone else seems to be fine with it. It's just, it must be like my version of a dog whistle. Like it gets the perfect pitch. I'm like, A-sharp. Can we just like, to LG, love you, great products.

Life is good. Yeah. But. Not so much. We don't. The songs that you're playing at the end of every cycle. Like, great that you finished. Don't need it.

It's a marketing ploy, I reckon. That's where I think that's good too. I mean, we're talking about it. Exactly. And now dozens of people are going to hear us. LG are like, when we take it away, you'll miss us. Yeah, they'll be like, we've just sold like 25 dishwashers today. What's going on?

Actually, Ash, I've been trying to do some research. The Facebook group was flooded. Flooded with requests. And if you want to join the Facebook group, you can't just join. You have to request. It then sits there. We review it. Do a thorough investigation.

Once you're approved, you're in. Takes about 0.01 of a second. I'm yet to deny anyone. But we had 38 people join in like a, yeah, thank you. Oh, my copy. What? 38 people joined in the window of about an hour. I don't know where they've come from.

I don't know what's happened. Maybe the dishwasher. It's just LG employees. They're like, quick guys, get on this one. I don't know. If someone knows the answer, if you're one of those 38 people who joined right now. It might not seem. Where'd you come from?

There's people who are like 38 really. That's a big deal. That's a lot for us. That's 38 more than every other day. Also, join the Facebook group. Yes, Matt, quickly. We want to stay in housekeeping because you put. Put out a New Year's resolution to the world that you wanted to do something to benefit you and your family, which was, put your phone down.

Yep. In between, what was it again? To put my phone down from the hours of, let's say, like, 4.30, you're trying to pick the girls up or I get home from picking them up to when they go to bed. How's that going for you? Really terribly. But I did have someone message me who is a sailor. Okay, so we'll get to the sailing one shortly. Yeah.

But I'm concentrating on the phone one. Yep. Because I have something to help you. Oh, that's not the brick, is it? I bought you a gift. Okay. Okay. A lot of thought went into this.

Okay. It is an airlock timer. So, Matt, just explain what I was put in front of you. Okay, this is the timer lock box. It's an electric time lock. Auto-unlock function, box storage tank, easy setup, one-year warranty. So, you put your phone in it. You set the timer for how long you don't want to touch your phone.

and then you are phone free for that amount of time. I love it. What happens if it's locked in there? Too bad. And the house is on fire and I need to, or Nana's how to fall down the stairs, often happens. Everything happens for a reason, Matt. I'm a strong believer of that.

So if that does happen, it was, if Nana was meant to fall down the stairs while the phone was in the lockbox, then Nana was meant to fall down the stairs. If I do need to break into the lockbox, can you break out? That's bulletproof. I don't know. I didn't look at it. But I thought, I'll help you along your journey.

Is this a re-gift? No. Wow. That's very generous. Thank you. Thank you. It's an Audi special bar. Is it?

Yeah. I was like an Audi. I'm like, last one, it's meant to be. There it is. Thank you. Give it a go. Yep. Let me know what you think.

Thank you. I need that. And the sailor thing, we're working on that too. Yeah, working on that. Back at school. Yes. Back at school, maybe you'll experience this with Macy when she starts school. But for Lola, it was a double whammy.

her first day of school was also her birthday. The second of February. And second of February. So she was getting a lot of attention of like, oh my gosh, it's your birthday. Happy birthday coming up. So exciting. And you're starting school. And Marley was like, uh, I'm here too.

Yeah. What about me? I'm this country's busking sensation. I'm here too. She is often top dog. Yeah. And it was weird to see a side of Miley that was extremely jealous. She was like, really?

No one cares that I'm starting. grade one. Fuck this family. Fuck you. And I was like, I still love you. But we had to try and even it out a little bit. It's tough.

Because, you know, starting school for a grade one, big deal. But also because she just, she ducked to water. School was great. We're like, she'll be fine. So I had to try. And when people were like, oh my God, Lola, you're starting school. I was like, I'm going. Simmer down.

But it was good. Lola was very excited. I think people miss, they, underestimate that how hard it is when you've got two kids to be fair. Yeah. People without kids, people with dogs, for example, and you take one dog out and the other dog out and the look on that dog's face. Imagine if that's a child.

Heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. Heartbreaking. To try and keep the love even at all times, it's a real juggling act. It's an armament. So struggle with that little bit. We left it very last minute. I went on the Wednesday or the Thursday, before school started on that Monday, went to the

uniform shop, got Lola's uniform, and I was like, you'll go into it. Do I get the brand new uniform or do I get the secondhand unit? The secondhand bag, five bucks. It's nice to have options. Five bucks with a secondhand bag. That's pretty good. I want one. Yeah.

But the thing is, I bought the jumper, the hoodie, right? Secondhand, six bucks, bargains. Zip up a hoodie? I just got the straight hoodie. Nice. Yeah, I like that. And then it was pretty windy day one. And I gave her jumper to Lola and she was like,

how the fuck is this? And I was like, this is the jumper that we bought. And she was like, I want the zip. And I was like, well, you didn't ask for the zip. And she was like, oh, God. I hate it. I'm not going. And I was like, oh, okay.

So I was trying to deal with a meltdown over the fact that we don't have a zip jumper available for Lola. And you don't want to start off the school year. Like that. And her little cousin had the zip jumper, and so she saw that and was like... Shaz. Little Shaz Bagas. Oh, no.

So she had the zip j... So that was, it was an ordeal. But she was very excited, set her off, waves a goodbye, great day. First one. All good? All good. Love that. Day two, I woke up and I was like, what is that noise?

She's sewing in a new jane. It's a broader jumper. I was like, it's weird. It's coming from somewhere. And Laura's out the door at like 645. So I wake up and go into Lollah's room and she was like, I'm not going to school. Oh God, already.

What's the problem here? What do we got? She did not want to go. Okay. Day two just was like, she was like, fuck this. This is awful. I'm not going and I'm like, you have to go. And she's like, why?

And I'm like, because I've got to go to work. You've got to go to school. And your teacher's so excited to see you. And she was like, all your friends are there. It's fucking boring at home. Yeah. She's like, no, it's not. watch TV.

That's great. Day one saying goodbye, it was lovely. High spirits everywhere. Everyone's cheerful. Kids are happy. Mum and dad, a little bit emotional, but you smiles on their faces. It was great. Day two, it was like a scene from the Titanic.

How did I know you were going to relate this to the time? I just felt in my mind for a moment, I thought, why do I feel like he's going to mention the Titanic? It was, we didn't, parents didn't know which classroom to send their kids to. Because in day one, they had like a little table set up where you come and mark your name. Day two, parents. Which life mode do we get in? Oh, God, it's over here.

Are you the red group? I'm yellow. Kids are there being dragged. We're like, please, I didn't know. Let's put your own good. Goodbye, Timmy. I know. All of the heartfelt goodby is like the first day where it's like, I'm so proud of you.

Now I've just turned it to get the fuck off my leg. Get out of here. You're on your own now. I'm pushing them out at 40Ks an hour. I get out. And lolla, poor little Lola. It was frantic. I was like very tired.

I lost Marley in the whole chaos of it all. I was like, we're your sister? She's like, I don't know. I was like, fuck her, she's fine. She's gone. Leave her behind. And then I was like, who's your teacher? And she's like, I don't know.

And then I finally found the classroom where I had to send her off. And then I didn't know the protocol. I didn't know if I should go in, like, with her. And then as I went to come in with her, the teacher was like, this is as far as you're allowed. And I was like, and then Lola kept walking. And I was being like held back by the teacher. And I said, Laura,

Laura, love without me. And she kept walking because she was just an autopilot. Another teacher grabbed her. And then I was like, Rola! Lowell! Didn't even get a goodbye hug. Nothing.

That's it. Nothing. And she was just. Yeah. What did she Like what? Well, she didn't even,

by the time she turned, turned around, it was too late. I was gone. It's a key. I was down. I was down with a ship. Yeah.

You were, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the teachers go through it every year, right? Yeah.

Yeah. They're gonna be fine. It was, I mean, what's it gonna be like day three? I don't know. Yeah,

especially after that because it'd be like, don't do that again. And it's like, well, I didn't do it. They did it to me. They did it to us.

Yeah. I dropped Macy yesterday, which she just went straight back to where she was, but an extra day a week now, which she was really excited to go. And she just took off pretty much. So that was fine. But then this morning, I dropped Oscar first year of year one. And he's great. Happy, like, there was no problems whatsoever. But the first couple of days because of all the new kids, the principal is actually at the front gate.

That's a nice touch. Yeah, I thought it was a nice touch. Oscar took off. and then stopped at the principal, shook a hand, and then took off down the path again. I was like, what? He actually doubled back to shake a hand too, and I was like, what?

Like, he was just like happy to be there. It was like, reporting for duty and took off down the path. That's incredible. I know. And it makes you look like an exceptional father. Oh, yeah, but I was like, who taught you out to shake hands? It was like, what? I'm just waiting for the fist bump on the next one.

I was like, boom, straight through. But I was like, even she turned and looked at me and was like, Good one, Dad. For grade one. Yeah. That is amazing. He's got more manners than me. Yeah.

Anyway, so he seems to be pretty good. Like, he's in a class with a couple of his friends, not all of them, which I think is important because it's best that they branch out. How was he when he came home? Sweet. Really? Yeah. My kids, so emotional. Yeah.

Like Jen Muir was saying, it's like they hold it in until they come across someone comfortable. Right. We picked him up, went for frozen, frozen arms. ice cream. Frozen ice cream. It's all frozen, bro. We went for frozen yogurt. Okay, yep.

And also went out for dinner at the RSL. You made a big ordeal out of it. Yeah, it was also a lot of his birthday. So we just... Oh, that's true. And then got home and the kids just couldn't regulate any emotion. They were just really like, I hate you. I hate this family.

I was like, okay. Yeah, mine were all right until I tried to get them the shower and then Macy had a bit of a bit of a meltdown. But like, I think Oscar got home. home, we went to Jiu-Jitsu, so it was kind of like... You are what? Yeah, the next thing just completely... Yeah, just distract, distract, distract.

He's a little whippet. He is, he's like... Actually, it's like a kelpie. Yeah. He just doesn't stop. And then, like, I went in to give him a kiss good night last night, and he was fucking playing Lego in bed. I was like, come on, bro.

Come on. Also... Where's the off switch? He's like Iceman. So, like, you know, like, we step on a bit of Lego. We're like, that's the worst thing that could possibly happen to any parent. I went and made his bed the other day. Just full of fucking Lego.

He sleeps in it? It's like a bed of nails. He's hardened his back up. He's going to be a tough motherfucker when he's on it. Wow. And I'm talking, he's sleeping on two blockers, four blockers. None of this flat stuff. What's he having for breakfast?

Broken Glass? Yeah, he's just like, see that? It's a really glass of milk. Hold the milk. And I was like, what fuck? Anyway, so he's got like, yeah, he's got. a better nail. You're like,

do you want me to pick this up? And he's like, that's my bed, bro. Don't touch the logo. Next to say, I'm going to walk in. He's going to be sleeping with his arms crubs like a vampire.

He's sleeping. We've got the nanny, by the way, who's going really well. But we're still early days who are very, very, like, polite to each other. And, you know. You're still nice to her.

Before you say, do that. And also like. And nice around the kids. Kids like her? Yeah. Kind of. Like, well, she's kind of.

She doesn't listen to us. Yeah. And they. I do. I do. No, she's great. She's very experienced and she realizes that she comes in and she's like, you know, hey, Lola, you've got to brush your hair and you got to do this.

And she's like another parent. Yeah, she's probably done it that many times that she knows how to weasel her way in to be. She's great. They had the fun activities, but at the same time, when the kids get told what to do by another person, they're like, who the fuck are you? But she's great. We love her. And then even like around her when I'm like, come on Lola, put your shoes on.

Oh, where are your socks? You've lost your socks and I've given to you five times. We've got to find your socks again. That's okay. And then, you know, if she wasn't around, I'd be talking a little bit differently. Yeah, you'd be like, get your fucking socks. And then I was getting the kids on the bike. And Lola always goes to climb on the back of the bike before I'm holding it.

And she's, you know, pulled the bike on herself. And I was getting my helmet turned around and Lola was climbing into the bike. And I was like, don't climb on the bike. What's wrong with you? Come on. And then the nanny came down. I was like, oh, she's got a water bottle. And I was like, oh, thank you so much.

She was probably like, okay, well, that's how you're supposed to talk to them now. Yeah, she's like, there he is. She's probably seen that all before as well. She's like, oh, sorry. Yes. Sorry about that. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Matt, you would have noticed on my stories that I have become part of the problem. Yeah. It's a summer problem. You've changed. Yes, I have. But it's not because of me. It's because of my beautiful wife who... She likes shade.

Well said. You're talking. took the words right out of my mouth. When people are like, explain what April's like, and I'm like, just loves the shade. She loves a good shade. Hates wind, love shade. Yeah. She's like a vampire.

Yeah. She hates the sun. I better check if she's sleeping on Lego. Yeah. But I was like anti-Kulkebana. For those of you who don't really know what I'm talking about, there was, a couple years ago there was, it was labeled un-Australian. And it was probably one of the best marketing things for Cool Cabana possibly that.

Because I don't hate them, but I find it funny how we all. got like the whole nation was up in arms about taking too much room on a beach. Yes. And there's certain beaches, like Bondi, for example, where you're shoulder to shoulder, setting up a like two meter by two meter tent. Just bring your fucking carport, bro. Yeah. Like, seriously, it's the same thing.

It's a bit inconsiderate. It's a marquee. That's what it is. It's a marquee. Yeah. And in that environment. It's a semi-permanent structure. You could get married under it.

You're there laying concrete as foundation for your shade on a beach. If it gets windy in it, range, you're fucked. Yeah. Because then you're like, done. Did you feel guilty buying it or did April buy it? April bought it.

Okay, because I wanted nothing to do with it. And then she's like, I'm going to set it up. Of course, she didn't set it up. She gave it a go. But it was quite easy to set up. I know, yeah. Yeah, I do know that. And the kids actually got involved too.

So, yeah, I get it. Yeah, all right. Fine. Okay. I'm fine with it. But I'm not fine with it because I'm still like, I don't want to be part of the problem. And I said to her, you realize that I shat on them. and now I've got one.

Do you know how that makes me look? Yeah. So I found a loophole. Go on. Okay. You would know that the sun rises and sets. Yep. Rises in the east, sets in the west.

So... Yeah, I know that. The shade in which this cool cabana gives off. Yeah. He's actually not under the cool cabana. It's on an angle. So technically... You're not under it.

Bam. So I'm actually not sitting under any cool cabanas. If you see me at the beach and I'm outside, the cool cabana and I'm in the shade. I'm not in the shade. You just look like a predator who's getting real close to a family. Yeah, I'm just walking up. Yeah, yeah.

I'm just walking up and down. Well, that's what I'm trying to say. Is that guy a dad or is he a predator that we need to help that family out with? So I have found the loophole for shade and not have to be part of the problem. Just succumb to it, bro. No! They're so good. I feel like if you have a cool cabana, you take a cool cabana at the beach.

fine, but you need to offer a stranger a bit of shade that's on the outside of it. And then you're good to go. Because the people next to me, no umbrella, they'll roar dog. Has anyone said anything? Has anyone, like, given you grief about the fact that? One guy was like, can you update me when you've come to your senses and realize how good at this? And I was like, damn it. They're great. They're great. They're really good. They are good, but I refuse, you will not see me under it. You'll see me outside of it in the shade. Okay. But that's my loophole. But then also as well, I opened the boot out in the street out here and I forgot that it was still in the car. I was like, hiding my shame.

It's in the passenger seat. I'm just strapped into the seatbelt. I know. You're like, I just get something from my car. I look over and you're there kissing the corgabal. You're like, you're comfortable in there. I'll be quick. Don't worry. I'll be back in a couple of hours.

I'll look at window crack. Now, Matt, new year brings new. I'm not going to call this one a resolution because it's sort of like. Don't you dare. It's like a milestone. We're like, we're beyond resolutions now. Yeah, it's a mark. We're always in February.

We are in February. We're almost, we are, yeah. We're in fair. Come on. Jesus, going fast. You shut up. Okay, happy New Year. Anyway, Macy wears nappies to bed at night.

That's it. Love that. Okay, and she wants to get out of them. We want to get out of them. So we were talking about... Can I just say, must be nice to be in the phase of no nappies. That must be nice. Not yet.

You're on the cusp. I'm on the cusp. And I said to Macy, hey, when you go back to Kendi, when there's more, routine because holidays it's a fucking free for all. What do you say we try ditch the nappy at night? What do you say? Is it me, the toilet or something we haven't mentioned yet? That's a salesman tactic. I love it. Yeah, thank you. And she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but she had some rules. What's the rule? Okay, so a toilet seat in our bathroom, the onsuit, it's quite soft clothes. Yeah. But the one in their bathroom is not. It'll fucking get you. And she uses our bathroom

room because of that toilet seat. So she was like, rule number one, we get a new toilet seat. I was like, okay. And then she was like, also creatures come out of the drain. I was like with a drain in the middle of the floor, like the round drain. And she was like, yeah, I was like, well, how about this? We'll go to Bunnings and get, you can pick a new toilet seat. Yeah.

And we'll get a night light that covers the drain. Right. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. And she was like, fucking pumped on that. And also, I got to go to Bunnings. Yes. So I was like...

Did she really ask for new toilet seat? Yeah. Or were you just like... No. That was like the first name. What's that, Macy? You want me to get in the car and drive to Bunnings? Yeah.

Let's do it right now. Dad is midnight. Shut up. We get there early. Bring the cool cabana. We'll be in the first in. And I was like, all right. So Thursdays is my day with Macy.

So that's what we did. Went to Bunnings. And I let her pick the toilet seat, which I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you a little photo of, of Macy. This is a two-partar, this story. Here she is.

This is the one she picked. I had to talk it down out of the bidet style. Slow-close feature. Man, that really sold. She was sold on that. Yeah, she was like, okay. She looks pretty chuffed. Those look a little cheap.

Dude, toilet seats, get up there. Oh, 100 bucks? That was like 70 bucks. I talked to her out of like the $300 one. She's like, Debbie doesn't have that sort of toilet seat, money. Anyway, that was one thing. So she's pretty chuffed on that. Found that.

That was really easy. And then I led her pick the nightlight. And she was adamant. Had to be a round one. And it ended up being like a lantern style. So she had a little thing. And this is just in case she has to wake up in the middle of the night, do a wee-wees. She can do that.

I wanted to be able to see. And she's going to come to your bathroom? No, no. This is for their bathroom. Sorry. I'm with you. You're with me. So we went to the section with all like the camping lights, the nightlines.

And she's picked out like a lantern camping style one, which had a bright setting and like a not-so-bright-brite setting. Perfect for night time. Battery powered or plug-in? It is battery-powered as well. So I can remove it and hide it if I need to. But what I didn't realize is that this particular, and I don't know why they would put this on a lantern, it had a strobe function.

Okay. Anyway, so I'm walking past the bathroom at home, and I didn't know this, and I look over, and it looked like there was a fucking rave going on in the bathroom. Oh my God. So she's raving away in there. See it on the ground? What function is that for?

So, okay, yeah. So you turn it on and that's so annoying. But I keep saying, kids, no rave function. Does she love the issue? Well, I know when one of them has been to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Because I come out in the morning, it's still dark. Who set up DJ decks? It's like flashing like, if you, if someone had like, was suffered seizures.

Yeah. It would seizure. Set you right off. I feel a bit queasy watching that video. But like what, like what is the use? of this function. Do you know who made that? Who?

LG. Fuck. I'm waiting for it to just when the batteries die, it just go, do, do, do, do, do,

but I was like, kids, no more strove functions. And the way you turn it on, and you think, if you're going to turn on a light, like a lamp like that that has a couple of different

dimmer levels, where do you think it would start? Start lower than, yeah. Right? It starts at a hundred percent. It goes high, like the highest.

like the sun and then you click it again. Especially in the middle of the night. It goes like a reasonable level and you press it again. Strobe. They're the options. I could just do like those are lights which right there. She can't reach. Ah, sorry.

No, we're just going to strobe on. The neighbours are like, fucking, you guys having a party? Like all hours of the night. I'm like, nah, it's just a nightlight. That in addition to the dishwasher. And waiting for the lights a lot. Okay, yeah. Anyway, I'll give you an update on the, I'll give you an update on how she goes.

but so far she weeded the bed last night. Apparently she's scared of the strobe line. Matt, there is a segment that we haven't done all year. Believe it or not. Do we have a song for this intro? We do. We had two songs. Which?

Oh, because we... We had one song they hated it. Yeah, we're like, it's so bad. It's good. And people are like, no, no, no, no. It's just bad. And then we rewrote a song for it. We just used it up.

It's pair of ants. Yeah, let's play the song. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies Tell me lie Yeah, just explain what this segment is And that is where people Parents send in things they want to rant about Get off your chest

Just the little parts of parenting That are just a little bit frustrating It can be big, can be little Whatever, just is like giving you the ick Especially after six weeks' holidays I'm pretty sure everything my kids says Give me the ick now A lot

There's one here from Laura I was studying for exams and the kids were, oh my God, could you imagine studying whilst having kids? That sounds horrible. I was studying for exams and the kids were left to run wild and have as much screen time as they wanted. Here, here, I emerged from my office. Here, here, I just put in it. That wasn't written, by the way. Thank you for cleaning that up.

I was confused. Yeah. I emerged from my office to my house looking like Jumanji. Their food experiments, these holidays included smothering the coffee table. and honey, oh, and rolling 10 snack bags of popcorn through it. As they sat there watching movies, they thought it was genius. Oh my God, kids are so dumb. What, where, what, okay, who's, who was like, this is going to be a great idea?

Well, they smith in honey, was it, honey and bags of popcorn? If it wasn't so delicious, I'm so close to banning honey from my house. It's a fucking nightmare. Sticky. Yeah, well said. that's disgusting you poor thing this one's from Jessica

which Jessica is the new Karen apparently according to the internet these days so Jessica if you're listening don't listen to Ash yes don't beautiful name don't cut your hair into a bob

if it's a reason for it's gone out planning my kid's first birthday is that silly at a very specific time to go between naps for optimal happiness from the beast I love how they refer to their kid

as the beast then he drops a nap Now the party is square in nap time on Valentine's Day. Beautiful. Beautiful. Never drop a nap. Does Macy still nap? No, but I wish she still did.

I miss it. We used to nap together. It was great. I kind of, I want some more structure with my naps. I wish my mum never got me out of naps. I just did it as an adult and it was like part of a prerequisite of knowing me. So if I go for a job interview, I'm like, just so you know.

I have siesta. I have a nap at lunchtime. I have a blanket and a 10th? And a dummy. Rianan, student free days on the first day back of term. Like six weeks wasn't long enough. You've got to make us wait another day. I agree.

Once again, go back to my original point. Holidays far too long. Cut it shorter. Or split it up. Well, I, look, I'm going to throw some teachers under the bus here. Okay. I overheard. Okay.

I overheard teachers talking about going back, okay, they were going back a week early to prep, and then they were laughing about still having a pupil free day on the Monday. And I was like, what was that fucking week for then? What was that pupil free day? We didn't have one this time. Oh, but it would be in the Friday, right? Yes, yes, yes. Because some people went back on the Friday. Who? Who? Who? Overheard. I was just at a, at a disclosed location. I heard it. I heard it. And I was like... Did you confront them?

No, it's too scared. There's two of them and one of me. Yeah. I'm not stupid. And they were teachers. What are they going to do? They're probably disciplined me. Next minute, I'm fucking doing their work for them.

I'm not falling for that. Anyway, next one. Okay, this is from Brodie. Going on a magical beach holiday for two weeks and the kids winge and fight the entire time. Can we put a ban on winching? They just don't appreciate anything. They are so toxic. They are toxic.

Well said. You can give them. them everything and they just want a little bit more. All I did was just either tell them to stop bickering or stop winging for six weeks straight. I wasn't listening, sorry. You're not to listen anyway. I was reading the pen next pair around.

Oh, here you go. What did you say? Nothing. I was reading the pet. Sorry. No, it's all right. That's okay. Yeah, yeah.

I was thinking, do I read Alyssa's or Teagans? Or listen to my co-host and best slash best friend. sitting straight across for me. Go. Alissa, asking to go to the park 3,457 times today in 45 degree heat, also consistent talk of apple juice after being told we are out of apple juice. Yeah. This is the thing, right?

There's only, and going back to your point, it's too long the school holidays. You run out of parks to go to. They're bored now. And then you get these days at a 45 degrees. They don't understand that. and Macy does this thing where she wants something and I can't provide it. She seems to think that if she keeps repeating, but I want it, that's going to make a fucking difference.

It's not. It's not. Newsflash. It's like my kids who can't ride bikes are like, we want to ride our bikes to the beach. And I'm like, yeah, but you don't know how to ride a bike. Push him down Bellevue Hills. And they're like, we'll learn. And I'm like, it's a hot summer's day right now.

We're not learning in Bondi on their busy roads for you to ride your. Dubai. On the fly. Marley is love her to death. She's very good at many things. Like this split second I let go of her, boom, she's over. She's gone. Oscar took it pretty well actually, but like still a bit nerdy. I look at boys and I'm like, it's so good. Like I've had to lie to Marley and I'm still holding her and she's like, am I doing it? And I'm literally holding her up and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're doing great. She's like, wow, I can ride a bike now. And I'm there just like carrying her. You're doing the pedals.

Ask me one more. Tegan, we just moved to Queensland and the school day starts at 840. We're barely making the bell. I think my round about Queensland is that it's just too hot. They try and get you in and out of school

early because I used to go to school in Tweed and they would start you really early. Just to, off the back of that Tegan was having a winge that they never even make the 915 bell whenever that whatever, you know, let alone 840. But they'd try and get you in and out. I remember I used to start at like 830 and finish at 2.30 because it's so fucking hot and humid

in the afternoon. Now with Aircon. How old do you think I am? Did you ever? I was just got a guy with a fan. We didn't have aircon. There was a brief moment where one of the schools that was being built moved into our school and they had a whole bunch of demandables because it was like a really big block of land

that our school was on. And they all had aircon and we didn't. And we were like... And the deman animals. Yeah. So we storm the fucking Demandals. Yeah. Wow.

Took over. That's like two gangs coming together. It was like that. Wow. But I remember when they moved in, it was like, what all the girls are going to look like. Anyway, so that's Per Rance. I hope that everyone feels a little bit better, just getting it out in the open. Yeah.

I do. I feel much better. I feel great. Yeah, I feel good. Ash, we are going to bring back another segment that we haven't done in a little while. it is listening to questions. This is people who listen to the pod, have any type of dilemma, just want our opinion. Why, we don't know. I don't know either. But I actually think it's the fact that we started talking about giving advice. I think we're now offering nuggets of wisdom,

and people are aware of that. Why are they listening to it? We're experienced. It's the hierarchy, purely based on the fact that we have older kids and people who are listening, they then turn to us as the disciples of parenting. Don't. I'm going to get complex. I know. We're like the leaders of a cult. It's sir to you. That's sir. Okay, this is from, look, I keep this synonymous because he sent it to me in my DMs and he's saying, I've just become a dad. Congratulations. I concur. With a four month old and man, it's tough. Co-sleeping currently and not dealing well with the sleep deprivation mixed with trying to support my wife as well. How do you get through the tough periods? Oh, fuck. The age old question of how to get through the tough period.

there's not a one fix that's what I'm just just start this with there's not a one fix and it's like have you ever seen the movie Twister Big fan

lovely Yeah and it's sort of like Category 5 Yeah there's part of that is trying to understand more about the twisters

Yeah and the other half is survival Yeah Do you get where I'm going With this Twisters are unpredictable Exactly right

But then in the moments Of absolute chaos you just got to do what you can do to survive. And I would say, if I'm going to give any advice, it's be nice to each other. Yes. Because it'll trickle down.

It's so easy to turn. You need to resist that. Your team. It's way more satisfying when you get through it as a team. If you get through it and you've split up in terms of like had a big Barney and then go on your separate ways for the day or whatever, you just start to think about how you could have done it better when you could have just been nice to each other in the first place.

But it's easier said than done. Because when you're in the thick of it and you're in the trenches and you're tired and you're frustrated because you've got a baby that you're trying to keep alive and it's just not sleeping and it's just hell. Like anything would set you off. But I know with Laura, for example, she would love it. And I need to do it more. If she did anything, whether it was like getting the baby to sleep in one go, she'd come down the stairs. And I'd say, you're doing such an amazing job. You really are doing so well as a mom.

that would just mean so much to her. Yeah, it's like just the little... Words of affirmation. Yeah, that's a good one. I mean, some friends of mine have asked me for any advice before having their kids. And I usually have a very similar answer for most of them. One is there's no point being, having two tired parents. Someone needs to be rested at some point.

And however you skin that, fine. And I think communication there is key. Because there's no point, both if you being up at three o'clock in the morning when dad's sitting there doing nothing. I mean, get up. Make sure that your partner's okay. Get some water done. The other rule I've got there is don't fucking talk.

If you're up at 3 o'clock in the morning, if your partner says, hey, I'm thirsty. You can get me some water. Don't even say yes. Just go and fucking get it. Because if you say yes, the tone's going to be misinterpreted. Like, yep. It's like, oh, it's what fucking hard is it?

There's no point. And you're not in your right mind. Just be quiet, lock in, get it done. And then I always finish with, you're going to love hating it here. Because you love it so much, but then in the moment, you're like, I fucking hate this. But then when that kid smiles back at you, you're like, I fucking know why I love hating it here so much. It's because of that. Oh, actually, can I add to that?

Yeah. Two things. One, take photos and videos of Mum and Bub. Yeah, yeah. That's a two-pronged result for that because there's one. You get to look back, but then when your kids are at an age when they're looking back at it, they love that shit, bro. Yeah, that's a good one. And try and do it when they're not like,

hairs dishevel, they've just gotten out of bed, their tits out, and they're going, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do it there. Find a nice a moment where they're outside, bed, bubs asleep, and then you can get a couple little, like, candid snaps. Ah! Yeah, I used to have this photo of April. She was still breastfeeding at that moment,

and I remember she was sitting out on our balcony, and the sun was, like, perfectly, like, the silhouette was perfect. And she was sitting there and it was like a side shot. Fuck, I need to find it now. I think about that. But I remember being like, holy shit. Like this woman birthed this child. Now she's feeding this child and is still the same person.

Fuck, it was just one of those photos you look back and have that vivid memory. So there's a couple of things that I say to my friends. But the most important one is just be kind to each other. And also, I think for yourself as well as a dad. Fill your cup up. On the weekend, I had like a little succession of things. going wrong and I just couldn't shake it. I was in such a little foul mood. I lost my wallet. Still don't know where that is. You still have a wallet? Yeah, well that's a thing. I don't

use the wallet enough that like it's so easily misplaced because I only use it like once a week. I don't have to buy something online. I need like the three digits on the back of the card. You can't remember that? You have a terrible memory. I got too many, too many. I got the business card. I've got the business card. I've got the, oh, must be known. But I lost my wallet. I ran over a got a puncture in the car, tire. And then two of the things that happened, one, Marley flung the fridge door open. And I don't know how she's done this,

but the fridge door opened on itself and then like it snapped the joint. The hinge thing. Yeah, so the fridge door half came off. Oh, she's just the velocity. I'm like, what? What have you been eating? Get it tested.

And so that, like just another admin task. I'm like, I'll have to. to try and figure out how to fix this. And then our umbrella. And this is, so much of my life is great. So I'm just conscious that this is going to make me sound like I'm being really petty here and ungrateful because I'm focusing on like minuscule things. You have those days though.

But then we had this old cast iron table, which is like 10 years old. It has no sentimental meaning at all. But the umbrella blew over in the wind, hit the table, leg snapped. And it's like, it's not even a nice table. It's a shit table. It just tipped you over there. That just hit me, and I couldn't get out of this rut.

I was just like, everything is compounding and everything is going wrong. And they're all tiny little things, but all together on one weekend, I just was really angry. Yeah. Like the whole weekend. And I just feel like wanting to get out of it because I'm like, it's the weekend. And Laura's like, why are you taking it out on me? I just couldn't. And for me, and maybe people are different, but I need to get out of the house, get out of that environment.

Get a reset. Go for a run. I just need to do something to take my mind because I know that if I stay at home, it's just going to compound even more. And I'll end up becoming short and frustrated with those around me. And I'm not enjoyable to hang out with. Yeah, for sure. And like, it's weird because, like, I feel like a lot of new parents are so hard on themselves

that they've got to get it right. I remember I was so hard on myself if I couldn't change the nappy first go. It's like, it's like having a new job. And we've said this a million times, like, go easy on yourself. Like, you could be having a shit. because the baby's unsettled or whatever, and then you mess up something so miniscule, and you're like, beat yourself up about it.

Well, even, you know, the newborns are so temperamental. Even when you've had all these little things go wrong and you're feeling like you're on edge and you're getting really eggy, then something like a Poonami or something like your baby not going down for their normal little nap time or their nighttime sleep, that just is enough to set you off.

And then you feel guilty that you're not enjoying being a parent, you're getting angry. It's pretty normal, I would say, as well. Yeah, very normal. Just go easy on yourself, is what we're trying to say. Yes. Matt, quick question for you, just to finish off today. Head wedding or wedding the head, is it outdated?

Did you do it? No. I didn't? I don't think I, I don't think I did it. I know that those men a little bit older than me, those who were in their mid-40s, they were like the last generation that I knew of that were going out and wetting the head. And if you don't know what that means, I'm pretty sure it's either when, I think it used to be when mum went into labor.

I don't even know the origin of it, but it sort of turned into a word and an excuse to get shit down. Do you know who started it? Oh, God, here we go. Do you know who started it? Who do you think? And I, we love these people. What, what nationality do you think is aligned with this tradition?

Fuck. Who's drunk? Irish. Yep. Wow. That just, that loaded up. Wow, really? Yeah.

Yeah, the Irish apparently started it, and it's trickled down. I don't know if they do it in like other countries. Do they still do it in Ireland? Yeah. Probably. But when baby is born, yeah. Dad, the tradition would be that they would go out to the pub and have a lot of beers to

celebrate. Celebrate? Absolutely. I feel like celebrating, there's a very fine line here between celebrating and using it as an excuse to essentially, say, see you guys. Remove yourself. Remove yourself from the newborn situation, which, I mean, different generations.

Yeah, it was a time when men were so far removed from the responsibilities of parenting that they could, after Bub was born, check out for not just an evening, but for a couple of days afterwards. Because you're hung over. You had 10 beers, then you're going to be hung over the next day. Meanwhile, your wife's there with a screaming newborn child in hospital still, and you're like, sorry, babe. Yeah, sorry, I've got to go.

Yeah, I'll come. see you in a couple days. Yeah, I'll be right back. And I think, I remember someone a while back used the word wetting the head as well, but it was like, we're going to wet the head, but it was more inclusive. So it was like, it was like, we're going to celebrate as, you know, and I think that's way more appropriate at the point where you're like, okay, we're home, we're settled, every relative you ever had has come over for some reason. Everyone wants to see the baby. It's like, I've seen a baby before. I want to see it grown up.

That's what I want to see. Do you know who deserves a drink? Mom. We've done fuck all. We've done that. It was like the best 15 seconds of our life. How did that tradition get approved? I know how it did.

You know what we'll do now? We'll leave for 48 hours. It's a boy. Hey, babe, do you mind if I just nip off to the aerosel, the wrist hole real quick? I really deserve a little, a cold one. I am parched. I think it's old-fashioned. I think it goes out the door with similar to dad goes off to work situation.

You know what I mean? It's sort of like now I feel like previous generations it was sort of like, who gives a shit about mum's career? Mum's now at home. And now it's like, okay, well April, when we were having Oscar first, it was like she couldn't wait to go back to work. And I encourage that too because she has career and aspirations and things that she wants to do,

I think it goes out the door with that previous thinking in a way, it's sort of like when you hit the ship with a champagne bottle and everyone, your friends, men, women, other family, hooray! We've had a baby, congratulations, not. My wife's just pushed out a fucking watermelon.

I'm going to go get shit-face. See you in a week, babe. We're not saying don't celebrate it. No, yes. It's the creation of life. Beautiful. It's one of the biggest moments of your life. I had a champagne in the room,

the next morning with Laura. Morning, he's on target. And that was lovely. It was nice to include your partner in that, let's say, tradition. But yeah, I think if you're a soon-to-be dad and you're excited about the fact that you're going to go have a bender after your baby is born, just maybe reconsider it. There's a big difference between, even if you are going to celebrate with your lads, lads, lads, with the boys, I still think it's fine as long as it's like not as long as it's.

At the expense of you just being, just wanted, I think if you're going to go celebrate with the boys, have a couple of beers or whatever, that's probably the best time to be responsible. Yes. Yes. Yes. Because you're going to. If ever, there was a time to not be completely shit-faced. It's after your child is born. That and when she's in labour. And the men were like, do you know what we need? Lots of alcohol. Oh, you know. Yeah. Off we go. Let's not be able to drive in case there's emergency. Let's be. incoherent. What the fuck? Oh, fuck, it let's be aggressive. What was the older generation thinking?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Look. How did that get passed through? There's going to be so many opportunities for you to go on a vendor after you've had a kid. I think people are under the understanding, Matt, just to finish off here, that your life's

over. It's not because guess what? Your mates have kids too. And then you've got drinking dads that you can go drinking with. And believe it or not, pubs have parks now. It's not the end of your life. I think it's sort of your life does change and it does change dramatically. But I would say after having kids and all my friends having kids,

your drinking culture becomes so much more enjoyable because you're actually all in the same boat. And you're having this conversation. You're whinging about your fucking kids while you've got a beer in hand. It's amazing. So don't feel like you need to go and get fucking parallel. And also just want to say big shout out to all of our Irish listeners. We love you. Yeah, but you're the problem.

At the Royal Women's Hospital where we gave birth, it's like 9% Irish. Yeah, the midwife's probably like, does that was I heard, wedding? We love your work. Can I come? Ash. That's all we have time for. That is it, that is it?

I'm very excited to try my little lockbox. Yeah, me too. Thank you once again for a gift. If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave a review. Five stars, little comment, be lovely. Or you can catch us on social. Across the board, Matt. Where?

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. That's your cue to me. That was my, I missed the cue. I apologize. On Facebook? Were you listening to me or not? No, no. Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, TikTok.

Get involved. And also some of these questions have been answered in the Facebook group. So if you want to get the opinions of other moms and dads out there who are in the same boat as us and yourself, jump in the Facebook group because it's another beautiful little community. community of parents. And if you're Irish, we're sorry. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community.

We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigle Land.