Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #205 The Great Birthday Party Mistake

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

Matt is still recovering from Lola's birthday party - but he's fronted up to give Doters advice on what not to do after things almost went horribly wrong. Plus he's realised the hardest part of having a nanny is something he never even considered. Meanwhile Ash reveals why he was surprised by the odd "toy" Macy chose to bring to kindy. This week the boys are back with more advice - they've opened the floodgates and now nothing can stop their advice-giving ways! This time they weigh in to the great debate over whether or not you should discipline other people's kids. Plus the kids' movies that left them traumatised for years to come. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I just want to a little shout out to this mom that I don't know, but I saw her. So dropping, dropped Oscar off and then when you drive out, it's quite a skinny street. And there's no footpath in this section of the road. Oh, gosh. And so you've got to let cars part, one of those. You've got to let cars pass, right? Gotcha. Yeah, yeah.

It's not enough. On the road. Yeah, but she was walking. She had a double pram. And she was like, okay, I'm going to have to go around the parked cars on the road. And I stopped and I was like, you there, this way. Follow me. Come forward.

Yep. So she's pushing two kids, twins, right? Up this hill, it's a hill, might I add. So she gets, comes past my car. I notice there's another kid on one of those scooter thing boards on the back of a pram, right? So she's pushing three kids up this hill. And then she's sent her eldest to walk on the grass because he doesn't have the pram or anything. And he can walk on the grass because he's gone.

Four kids on her own walking up a massive hill. Congratulations. Wow. You should have just given her little push in the car. I don't want to run it over you. Rick? Back to two doting dads. I'm Maddie J.

I'm Ash. You sound, that was a big sigh. This is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And we are starting to give advice.

Fuck, what has happened? 2006, the advice has begun. That's two weeks in a row. We've started the episode like that. I have to warn you. I have to warn everyone in this room that I have strep throat. Is that what that smell is? I have strep throat.

I am positive for the strep throat. What is that? I don't really know. How do you get it? Well, I got it from Laura. This may be completely wrong. But apparently it's tonsillitis that develops into strep throat. Maybe.

Sounds like strepsel. That's what I was like, oh, that's where the name comes from. Is it? I don't know. But I got it from Laura. Laura was sick. And she kissed me a lot when she. was sick. I now know that it's highly contagious.

Oh, you guys kiss? Ew. I don't know. So I'm now on penicillin. Oh, really? Which sounds impressive, doesn't it? Sounds like I have polio or something. Fun fact, I'm allergic to some penicillins. If you get this strep throat, you are gone. I'm dead. You are. There'll be one doting dad.

Out of here. Yeah, be careful. Stay back. We got to stop kissing after we record. No. But yeah, have strep throat, so I cannot kiss. I'm a week now of not kissing my wife. Also, my kids, I'm like, we can't kiss, all right? So you have to do like a kiss on the fingers. That's weird. Kiss me.

Kiss me. No. That's not a bit weird for me. It's a little salute, that. It's a little salute-ish. I kiss two fingers, they kiss two fingers. And you touch. And the fingers touch.

That seems wrong. What do you? It's, I love my kids. They love me. What about like a little boop on the head? Like, you'll kiss on the head. Like, bye. I can do it.

I do the forehead kiss. But Marley even. But wouldn't this still. transferred germs? No, because she's not them kissing it. It's a one kid's put their fingers in their mouths all the time. Well, I yelled at Oscar this morning for exactly that. For what?

Putting the fingers in the mouth. I'm going to get your fingers out of your mouth. Well, then your kids only are allowed a forehead kiss. My kids can have their finger kiss. Done. Deal. Pizarre. Take on it.

There you go. I'm, glad we agreed on that. The thing about penicillin, you have to take it 30 minutes before a meal. I always forget and so that I take it after the meal. My guts. Wow. I was going to say, when you get hungry, you get cranky.

So I can't imagine it would be like, I'm going to go eat and you're like, oh my God, I've got to wait 30 more minutes. And then I forgot yesterday, so I double drop the penicillin this morning. I'm full to the brim of penicillin. Sick. Woo! Yeah. Double dope. I love that.

How are you? I'm pretty good. That was a lot to take in immediately. I think I'm high. All the penicillin. She didn't even really test me for it. I just said my wife had strep throat and she was like, yep, starts writing the script for penicillin. And I was like, okay.

Just someone on the side of the road who had a needle. You're like, hey, what do you got? What you got for me? Housekeeping. Oh, yeah, sorry, that was meant for housekeeping. Okay. So I love that. We've entered housekeeping midway through that.

It hasn't impacted your voice, though, the strep throat, so. What are you insinuated? I'm faking it? No, I'm just, I'm saying that thankfully, you hear? You're like, okay, you don't have to be so defencatory. Look, in a world where everyone's already divided, let's not divide. But any further. Well, there he is.

The man is spoken. Thank you very much. Let's continue housekeeping. What else we got here? What do you go? One word answers after school. Do you know what I? I just read that straight off the break.

You sound excited. You sound excited. Yeah, well, I am excited. Everyone's favorite segment is housekeeping. Is it? Well, a lot of people have come out. If you would spend any time in the Facebook group, you would know that people like it. Do you know what's upsetting is that we didn't really on plant?

We just did one day we just did it. We're like, it would be the housekeeping, if you will, instead of like, planning this whole segment. I spent four days coming up with a concept of housekeeping. I'm glad you did the work and not me. Uh, one word after school answers. I have stopped speaking altogether after school. Solved that problem. Done. No, I, we, I can't get anything. We did high, low buffalo last night. And is it working? Well, Macy only speaks in one word sentences at the best of times. Yeah, she's just like, yeah. Yeah. Uh, shout out to Macy. I love you. She, oh, to Paul Macy. Can I say, say there is nothing sadder than a child being really sick, like vomit sick.

It's really sad because they're all new to this experience. Do you know what's even sadder? Macy being vomit sick. Oh my God. Talk about break your heart. When will it stop? I'm like, if I could stop it, I would then why don't you? Anyway.

Yeah, Highlight Buffalo. Doesn't work on my kids just yet. My kids are. It doesn't work. Well, I'm trying it on Lola. but I said to her, what was the most boring thing that happened today? And she was like,

she was like, I don't know. And I was like, what was the finest thing that happened today? She's like, I don't know. I tried that. And I was like, what did you do today? Did you make anything? And she's like, I don't know. It's like, tell me something.

I know, I'm living through you. I need something. Stop holding back. I know. I get, I picked up Oscar yesterday and I nearly did the how it was school. Like, and I stopped myself and I got in the car. And I was like, who, what are we going to ask? Like, I was nervous.

It was the first day. And I was like, did you play soccer at lunch? And he was like, yeah. I was like, fuck. And I was like, did you score? And he was like, yep. God. I'm out.

Who did you play with? He was like, Noah. I'm like, okay. So it was two men soccer. Is that Noah or no one? It was Noah. Okay. And I said, Noah.

Never matter Anyway So I was like You know what Ash shut up Oscar just opens it or rolls out the car Yeah yeah Yeah yeah

Get me out of these Fucking car Oh my god So yeah Lola's not giving me much With the high low Buffalo Marley is still good

She talks And guess what she's learning about At the moment Buffalo's Compound sentences What the fuck If you're wondering I know what a compound

Pharmacist is I actually didn't know What it is But just In case you are wondering This is what Mali is learning That's cool.

What is a compound sentence? A compound sentence is like... Lolling in the background. So this is a compound sentence. I'm going to say one. I went to the shops, but I could not find a pair of underwear. Oh, wow. So it's like...

So it's like joining words. Like when you join two words together with one in the middle. Oh, your joining word is like but. Like. It's like joining word. It's like joining two stories. You're two stories and your segue, if you will. I went to the beach.

However, it rained. Or, lay. It's summer, but it was raining. She's definitely learned the word but. It's just like, but you're like, however it's just like, shut up. Yeah. This is my story, not yours.

But yeah, compound sentences, when she said that, I was like, I have not heard that phrase compound sentences ever. Yeah. I don't think I've ever done a compound sentence and they're going, that was a compound sentence. She's now in a composite class, one and two, grade one and two. So she's got grade one, but there's also grade two. Compound sentence! Bam!

There it is. There you go. Can I just for a second, really, really quickly, just say, the start of school is. been okay, however. Fucking school hats. Oh, yeah. Ah! How many have you gone through already?

Four. What? Lollah's pretty good. Just Marley, just... I keep forgetting to check the bag when I pick her up. And in the morning, I look inside and it's not there. And then I go, Marley, where's your hat? She goes, in my bag. I go, well, find it for me.

And I then watch her panic. She's like... She knows. She's like, oh, I was a piece of... paper, she goes, well, this isn't it? Pulls out a piece of paper. She's like, keep looking. Just delays it.

I cannot get my child to remember to put a hat back in her bag after recess. Like, ah! Yeah, my, Macy's getting bad at it. I had to go and find it in Lost Property this morning. Do, if there's a hat with no name on it. Oh, that's mine. Okay. And I wash it.

Just head lice. Be careful. A teacher was like, just a tip. If there's no name on it. Just take it. I didn't see anything. It's free range. It's all yours. Take it all. Last year, Marley lost a couple early on and Oscar was gaining hats.

Remember? Your kids. That's the problem. People like your children. I'm going to leap to the defense of the child here. All the bags look the same. Yeah, my mum was like they need to be different coloured bags. Right? To put that, because they're just like, blue bag, hat, blue hat, blue bag,

blue bag, in. Marley had dance this morning. and as she was putting her dance shoes on, I put a pair of her school shoes in her bag. And then I was like, hang on a second. Because I was like, something didn't feel right. They were like the older kid.

They were like two sizes too big for her. They've all got black shoes. I just grabbed it. Yeah. It's like, I put my black shoes in my blue bag along with my blue hat. Yeah. And it's like, so did everyone else at the same school.

It is hard. It is tough. It is tough. We're still in housekeeping. We're still in housekeeping. Now, there is some breaking news, Matt. Thank you. That's bad.

Believe it or not, this seems like real news. Just going to put that out there. Parents might age faster or slower based on how many kids they have. So what that tells me is you have more kids than me. You are going to age faster than me. I agree. The grey hairs right now that they're streaming through. I've got grey hairs on my bullsack, grey hairs on my chest,

gray hairs on the chin. The grays are coming thick and fast, and they've come faster since poppy's arrived. Yeah, you've got a little salt and pepper in your beard. I fucking know I do. Whoa. Whoa, that was a compliment. I'm getting grays too.

According to science, not as rapid as you. It makes a little sense. I'm not sleeping a lot right now. Yeah, you're doing bottle feeds in the middle of the night. Should we come back to that later on? We'll talk about bottle fitting in another episode. Don't get me started. Just something else I want to talk about.

Last year, we did a segment. at the back end of the year about Christmas, disasters and chaos and fails. It wasn't an Audi segment, so thank you for that. But also... Shout out to Aldi. That's a free little plug there, thank you very much. We'll invoice them.

I already have. I pre-warned him that I'm going to talk about it. But we told a story about a dog that ate all the... Crescents. Alan Rickman, the dog. It was our dog Alan Rickman's first Christmas with us. We left the dog alone in the house for an hour in the afternoon of Christmas. was Eve. Not Alan. Not Alan Rickman. And he proceeded to get into all of the croissant.

It's taken me this long to realize that Alan Rickman was the real person. He's an actor. Yeah. I didn't know. I just thought it was funny. A dog had two names. Oh, right. And I was like watching an interview with a Hollywood movie star and they were like, oh, and we were shooting with Alan Rickman. I see his song. I was like, the dog? I was like, oh, Jack Russell? Hell, fame. And also, I was like, I'm taking credit for the fame of this dog. I was like, and then I was like, Alan Rickman. We had him first.

We had him. Turns out, he was an actor, he lived, and he's dead. He's dead now. Yeah. Oh, yes. 2016, he died. He was in Love Actually. Yeah.

I've got a year. Yes, and he was in Harry Potter as well. Yeah. He was in Die Hard. Love Actually. He was a bad guy in Die Hard. Yeah, Harry Potter. Anyway, all the Harry Potter.

I was in Wonderland, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was rattled. And I was like, am I an idiot? Yes. A little bit. But I was, yeah, anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm on now. I'm on the same page. Well, can I just say, the fact that you didn't know that Alan Rickman was a real person

slash incredibly well-known actor and you thought that was just a dog with two names, you gave a good reaction back in that story. Because it was funny. I had no idea. I was expecting it's like, I thought you were an Alan Rickman fan. No. No. Well, you are now.

At the start, I thought, when we were telling the story, I thought, oh, a dog would be named like, spot or something and it's like Alan Rick just threw me on and I was like oh that's just a funny name to give a dog because a person's name for an animal is funny but then two months later you find out it's a real person who died but still funny should we take a moment just to acknowledge Alan Rickman any incredible work towards the entertainment industry the dog or the person both okay thank you there it is and that is the end of housekeeping no it's not oh fuck I have one more thing for you. Matt, let me ask you a question. Yep. A Dota has demanded to know. And I'm dying to know. Everyone's dying to know. Why do you dry brush your teeth? Okay. And if you don't know what I'm

talking about, Laura and Matt spoke about Ix, was it? Yeah, I X on her podcast. On her podcast. Never heard of it. And terrible podcast. Never heard of it. It's not, yeah, it's not on the chart. It's nice that she's trying. Good luck to her. It's nice to have a crack. Good luck to like. Life on cut. They need it. They do. They really, really do. But you admitted that you dry brush your teeth.

That means no water involved. No water. Talk me through that really quick. And also, I've got to gripe with you about it. I don't know why it started. I think it could be down to the fact that I remember seeing, you know, when sitcoms, when someone brushes their teeth, they dry brush? That's acting, Matt.

Right? But I was like, why do they do that? And I thought, I'm going to try that one time. And I tried it. And I was like, It's not too bad. It makes you work a little bit harder to build up the saliva, but I like that.

I like having to work for the saliva. Work for the phone. This is getting very sexual. But when you do a bit of a pre-lub off the tap, I think it's cheating. Pre-loop. It's just water, bro. I'm not having the K-Y jelly out.

I'm just like, oh-oh-oh-oh. Now we're talking. Yeah, now we're talking. Well, even my children, I've passed on to them the dry brush. It's hereditary, is it? So Lola, she'll just go straight into it. It's, make,

try it. Honestly, you think it's weird. Mate, it is fucking weird. I believe in a world of efficiency. Okay. Whoa.

Hang on. I'm going to pull you up here. You gave me shit for brushing my teeth on an airplane. Whoa. And efficiently, I drank the water from the glass that I washed the toothbrush in. Ash and I, on a flight to Las Vegas two years ago.

What a time. What a time. What a time. I might just add. Ash is in his seat, brushing his teeth, dips the toothbrush into a, cup of water that it's like half full and then like by the end of the brushing of the teeth.

I didn't want to get up. The cup is just, it's white. It has a, it has like a head of foam like a beer. Oh, you're kidding. And then Ash then looks at the cup, looks at me, looks at the person sitting next to us and then just drinks the cup of water, foam and all. That, my friend, is disgusting. You dry a brush, who knows what's in that mouth. You might as well go down to Bondi Beach, scoop up some sand and start brushing your teeth. I'd let you find out. but I got strep throat. Ew. I think it's an eke.

And I'm with Laura on this one. Okay? That was a perfect out. That was a perfect out. Just let it breathe. I will not. I will not. You,

no, because now you're carrying on like you've won. Let it breathe. Like, it's fine. Like the door's closed. No, it's not closed. Lock the door.

It's disgusting. All right. Moving on. I'll say moving on. I'm in charge around here. Are you though? No. Absolutely not.

If your partner does, anything disgusting that gives you the ick. And I don't want anything too vulgar. Yes, I do. If you do anything, it just really turned you off. Please. Husband or wife, icks. Oh, yeah.

Just any ick. I'm really into, and I send it to, I'm posture. And now I'm like, I walk past a mirror that. I was like, hunchy, whoa. And then I'm like, you know, like, April, can you please pull me up on my posture? I almost bought one of those back straps.

That's an ick itself. Put it up, wear it outside the shirt. Send us through. X, please. Anyway, moving on. Okay. You may recall Ash, it was Lola's birthday party. Thank you, Ash, for coming along. I told you that I couldn't come. I know. Thanks for the invite last minute. It was it. I'm surprised you remember your own daughter's birthday, if I'm honest. A smirk on your face. Did that feel good? Did that feel good? Yes, it feels so good. Recall this a few episodes ago. Matt doesn't remember anything. See?

I'm just going to make jokes at my expense all the time and just expect me to laugh at myself. Is that what we're doing? Yeah. Is that what this is? That's what this is. Okay. Okay.

So, Lola's birthday that I was invited to last minute. Go. So Ash didn't come because he's a shit friend. Everyone knows that's not true. So you just... That felt good. Did it? Oh.

You're like, Ah, I needed that. So it was last minute. Laura and I, we work best to a tight deadline. It's just the way we are. It's just the way we're wired. Work best is very Oh, that's a tough choice of words there.

Also, our thought was that we were going to start school, Lola would get her classroom, and we're kind of kicking all the daycare friends to the curb. We're not going to see them anymore. Fair call them. Goodbye. See you never. Let's all be honest. Let's call it spade a spade.

We can all agree those friendships have ended. Yeah, unless they're real tight. Even so. Wow. So it's time to make new friends. new beginnings, we're starting school, all of those kids in her class, there's three classes at the school Lola's at. So we thought, the kids in Lola's class will invite them all, and it's a chance for those

friendships to really blossom. So we were waiting to send out the invite until we were given the classroom. Then we had a last minute freak out because someone said, oh, the first two weeks, they may change the classroom, so she may get a new teacher. So then we're like, shit, what do we do? We don't want to then invite all these kids. and their family and parents, and then all of a sudden she moves classroom

and it's like, well, we just wasted the phone. What kidney class are you in? Get out. But we decided we didn't invite the school friends. We invited the friends, which is where you... You went back, I thought you're going to say, we went back to the preschool friends like, hey! Hi!

Are you guys available this weekend? Oh, here he is. He's back. But you didn't. We had family friends, you know, the ones... Would you say close friends? Close friends. You made the close friends list.

Thank you. One of the only people who didn't come to the party that we invited. Well, I got the invite the day before. I did. I gave it a week. Anyway, parenting is hard. Because in the background of your mind, you were conscious that you were organizing events that will become lasting memories for your kids, core memories for years to come.

Correct. And at the same time as you trying to make something which is going to be enjoyable and memorable for your child, you will also under a lot of. A lot of stress. Yep. Especially when things are left last minute. Which you do work to a tight deadline. And you don't want to let your child know that organizing something which is so enjoyable for them is actually a real pain point for yourself.

I let them know, don't you worry? And the cause of a lot of arguments. I let them know. Do you know how hard I worked on this? I may have said, should we get a face painter? She said yes. And I said, great. I'll organise it.

Morning of. God. Parties at 1.30, 1030. Laura says, did you get the face painter? It's the insurance all over again. And I said, I haven't. And she goes, that's okay. We've got some games that we can play.

And I said, well, what games are you going to play? She goes, I got ball game. I said, what balls have you got? And she's like, I don't know. I'll look upstairs. And I'm like, well, we don't have any balls because we got lost one, one's flat. And she goes, well, I wouldn't have to look for the balls if you'd organize a face painter.

And I said, what do you think I'm doing right now? I'm messaging. And then I look over and Lola's there. in a party dress being like, oh no. She's witnessing it all come crashing down. Also, she's like, should we get some helium balloons? And I'm like, well, that's exactly what I want to do as I'm trying to organize a face paint is go to the shops to buy some helium for the party, which we don't really need.

You're digging a big hole here, big guy. And so, let's just say we save the day. Okay, go. How did you save the day? Well, at 10.30, I booked in a face painter. On the day of? On the day of. I got lucky.

Yeah, that is very lucky. But it was a very stressful race to the finish line to get everything organized by the 130. We got there at 135. We were late for Lola's birthday party. Why am I not surprised? We had a parent message and say, have I at the right place? No one's here. And I'm like, coming.

Be there shortly. But it was, we like, you know, very hot day, very hard to get parking. There was a soccer tournament on in the field where it's East Rugby Club. Great venue for. birthdays, by the way, in Rose Bay. But it was very, very, very stressful. It's another reason I don't throw birthday parties. One, because I'm cheap.

But two is the, it's just so much organizing. And like, you've got enough when you play. Like, I get it. And Laura and I, you know, we're having little jabs at each other all morning. Oh, yeah. We're both very stressed. And then we get to the party and we're like, everything's great. We're having an awesome time.

Yeah. We haven't fought all day. We can just yell each other in the car. Oh, I know. Oh, you got to put on that, that awkward, like, you're really nice to each other but DJ and you're like when we get home you're dead meat

there's not much to a kid's birthday party but far out organizing that amongst everything else that's going on in your life it's just if anyone can get through organizing a birthday party without fighting at their partner kudos to you

do the venue take care of all the food and stuff or do you have to like you just book a spot they took care of the food having to cook just adds an extra not that I've ever done it It's all a nightmare and then also I was like, did you invite Stephen and Sarah?

And she's like, you were going to invite them. And I was like, oh my God. And now Stephen and Sarah have seen all over your Instagram and nice party. They weren't invited to you. And then she's like, why isn't Ash here? I had another birthday party. An organized one. Oh.

No. Oscar did have a birthday party, actually. Shame on you. But Macy was sick. With the vomiting. Yeah. How convenient. Yeah.

Any more excuses you want from me? Speaking of Macy, she's gone back to Kindi, daycare, whatever, preschool. Let's cause to say preschool. She goes three days a week. And even so, they still have the midday rest time. Like, it's like, it's not asleep. It's like they play all morning and do their arts and crafts and whatever part of their curriculum, whatever you call it. And then in the middle of the day, they have their rest so that they can play in the afternoon.

Love that. But they're allowed to bring in something that comforts them. What does she bring? So usually she brings in something from bed. But the other day, she wanted to take something in. And I was like, okay, that's fine. And look, to be honest, I'll show you a little video of Little Macy. What have you got there, Teddy?

Teddy's so heavy. Sorry? Teddy's so heavy. It's heavy? Yeah. Tommy? That's a doorstop, darling. But I just want to do you.

Okay. It's a doorstop? It's a doorstop? I'll say, hello. So she's picked a, it's a teddy. door stop. That is very confusing. It's like, okay, so it's shaped like a teddy bear. It's soft like a teddy bear, but at the bottom of it is, it must be full of sand or something heavy to stop the kid's door from

closing in the middle of the night. It just looks messy though. And she's picked it up and gone, I want to take this for comfort. And I didn't really realize until we're walking. And I was like, what is that? I thought she was looking buff. Yeah, she was like doing curls. And I was like, yeah, I was like, what are you got there? And then she turned around. And I was that. It's a fucking doorstop. That's come on. It's cute. I looked at that.

Even I'm on, that's a cute teddy. And then I got to Kindi and I said to the lady, I was like, hey, Macy's just got a door stop for her comfort today. And she was like, excuse me, what? Like a little wedge? Yeah. She was like, a doorstop. I'm like, it's a doorstop shaped like a teddy bear.

And she was like, okay. Like kids do weird things. Is she still into it? No. I think she worked it out. But she was like, oh, it's back near the door. again. She keeps on to escape.

It's really heavy. Yeah. This teddy's really heavy. I was like, what are she talking about? But I've never seen it. She just grabbed it on the way out. I was like, I want to take this. And then, yeah, she was struggling with it because I made her carry it.

Yeah, dude. That time she starts preschool, she'll be jacked. Yeah, she's like, get up away. You, Jams. When you were in primary school, do you recall when you moved up a grade, them separating you from your friends from the year before? or were you the same group go up to the next year? Because I know in different countries, the same, I think you were telling me this.

Well, in primary school we only ever had, there was one class per grade. So there was no option for classes. It was one of those rural schools, was it? All grades are in the one class. Now, that is accusatory. That's what's... You guys all share the same dry toothbrush, too? What's with the tone?

No. How many classes did you have at primary school? Oh, at least three. Oh, you're one of the pretty folk, are you? Three classes. This must be nice. Not us. We had three different toothbrushes.

We had the whole school of one class. Yeah, that's what you. Upper Brookfield, where I went to grade one. Well done it up of Brookfield. It was grade one to four was one class. Really? Yeah. Yeah, it was a very small school.

Everyone pretty much came to school on their cows. From the country. Well, the reason I have to say this is because it reminded me of when I would move up grades. And we had, yeah, three or four different classrooms for that year. And when you would leave to go to the next year, they would say, hey, here's like a little slip. And I don't know if any listens out there had the same thing. And the little, they would be like, hey, trying to encourage you to, who are your friends? Who do you like, hang out with?

And you're like, oh, you're happy. Who's a safe person? Yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, I love this person. Love that episode. And like, we like, write down all, like, make sure we write down each other, blah, blah, thinking that we're all going to be in the same class. Boom.

next year separated us all. Well, that's because I think you were cut from a very different type of cloth. What's that supposed to mean? You're a troublemaker. You, like a troublemaker. But anyway, so they separated everyone that year and I was like, Who'd you get separated from? Motherfuckers.

They separated us all. They like made different classes for everyone that separate all these group of boys. But anyway, then the end of that year, they tried it again, didn't they? We all caught on gave the switcheroo. So we put down a couple of friends so we didn't get found out. Mind you. Is this to go on the same class or to sit next to each other? Same class.

So you got different, you weren't in the same. Oh my God. Completely separate. That must have been a hard year. It was a hard year, but then we thought we'd get the system back. Yeah. So we get the little slip again. We're like, all right, write a couple of names down.

Friends that we like, but not like that much. Fool me once. Shame on you. Yeah. Twice. The scammers got scammed. The next year, the following year, it was year five. me and every single one of my friends in the same class.

And then those couple of random people figured it out. Best year ever. My Year 5 teacher somehow is still at that school, which is wild because that was like 40 years ago. A grade 5 are beating the system. We beat the system, yeah. The disruption in that classroom was fucking unbelievable. Did you get detentions in grade 5? Every day.

Really? Yeah, we were all like. Like, imagine trying to teach you. Yeah, you've met a couple of my friends, right? Oh. Think about all those guys that you've met. Awful. And it was like consistent disruption.

And then I think it was halfway through the year. They actually split the class up because it was too big. Oh, that is such a fucking lie. I know. And then the slips were never used again. And then we debunk the school out of the slips. Got them. But also, like, silly of the teachers to try and use the same trick twice.

Like, that's on you. guys. Yeah, there was a girl in my class in year four who she was very academic. I wasn't. We know that. As soon as people meet me. What? Who? Shocker. I know. I can't believe it. I know. I can't believe it either. My mom can. But like, I remember I was like, I'm going to put her name to Sky. I think it was. She's lovely. Don't get me wrong. I don't really know her because she was smart and I was dumb. And I was like, oh, this all confused the hell out of it. And then I kind of thought, now looking back, I think if I'm a teacher and I, get up Ash Wix's thing and it has this person's name on it and I pick up her thing and it doesn't have my name on it, why would I put them in the same class together? Maybe they were thinking that Ash is ready to change his ways.

He's ready to become a new man and he's trying to align himself with certain individuals in the class who are really excelling. And I thought, this is the year of Ash Wicks. Fucking jokes on them, isn't they? Hey, um, we have a new family member. Two new family members How are you procreating like Speed of light

We have Poppy who's now Just gone four months And then with Poppy We've recruited another person To join the Johnson household Oh yes The Nanny that Nana We decided to hold off putting

Poppy in the daycare And we've got a beautiful nanny She's great In fact She's too good Send her my way bro She's too No

I can't afford it. My biggest fear, my biggest fear is that she's going to leave us. Oh. She is, she is incredible. Like, Laura's out the door really bloody early in the morning. So, you know, I'm there, Marley, Lola. You know, I normally do a feed with Poppy around like 7 o'clock-ish, sometimes a little bit later.

As soon as she comes in, she's like, let me take the baby. What time does she start? She starts at 7.45. Oh, that's a lot of it. So to help getting the kids out the door. So when I take Miley and Lola to school, she's there with Poppy. Yeah. Nana can't be trusted.

Nana can't. She can't. Even though she's like, I'll take the baby. And I'm like, ah, she can barely stand up without falling up. Also, happy birthday than Hannah. Happy birthday, Anna. Love her. I said her.

I love her. I love her dearly, did you? Yeah. But I feel guilty handing over my child to the nanny. And like it sounds really stupid because that's what she's there for. She's there to look out to the child. Someone who's walked in off the street. I don't know.

I feel like I'm not enough of a dad. when I hand over my baby. To do it all. To do it all. I mean, and she's a very experienced nanny. Like, she's better at parenting than I am, my own child, as a newborn, as a four-month-old. It's like having a midwife in the house or whatever. She just knows what they're doing.

She has, she's done this for many, many years. So she's just got it dialed. I mean, even like. Yeah, but you can't be in. You can't be in. She folds the towels better than I do. We have a way of folding towels. And she has a way of folding the towels where they're like, they're more compressed.

She's ousted in your brush. She fits in the... She fits... Step one at ousting. I was like, fuck. I was like, how do you fold the towels? Next is going to be making the bed different. The pillow arrangement's going to be different.

And then you'll be out on the street. I know. I know. I'm like, this household doesn't need me anymore. But I think the hardest part of having a help out that I didn't expect was coming home in the afternoon. And when she wraps up, I take Poppy. She now smells like the nanny.

And it's a part that obviously she's had one-on-one. one time during the day with Poppy. So it doesn't really happen in day. I don't remember having that in daycares. Yeah, because obviously you don't know your house smell, smell unless you leave for a while and come back. And she's not wearing like a really strong perfume. It's a very mild smell.

But when I have Poppy on my chest and I'm smelling her, she smells like someone else who's not Laura. Yeah. And that just like the guilt is, oh, it smacks you hard. It's a lovely scent. It's just, it's not. It's not. It's not Laura.

It's not me. And it's funny how your senses pick that up and go, oh. And for me, as soon as I grab my baby, it just highlights the fact that I wasn't with her all day. Okay. And you make you feel guilty. 100%. You can't be in two places at one. Of course.

I know that. I know that. We all, like, but it's just the way your brain is wired. It's just, it's like, it kind of says in the back of your head like, oh, your child spent more time with someone else that wasn't you. Yeah. But yeah, it's a part of parenting. and having someone else help with your child that surprised me.

With Marley, I don't think we put Marley in a daycare until she was like one and a half. And then with Poppy, it was a little bit harder because you have two kids. So I think Lola, sorry. You skip Lola.

Oh, oh, there's someone. Such a fucking parent thing to do. There's a middle child. I love that middle child. Oh, God. It's already started. Sorry, Lola, my middle child. In 20 years time when Lola Hughes,

is she going to be like, I know. We'll have to delete all evidence of this podcast when the kids get to the teenage years. So enjoy it right now. Share it with a friend. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah.

So Lola was about one when she started daycare. Yeah, one. I think like one, same with us. And as much as we would love to still have more time with Poppy, it's hard. You know, Laura has to go back to work. I'm obviously back at work. We just don't have that luxury with three kids in the mix. You're outnumbered.

We're outnumbered and I just think at the moment what way is heavy on my mind is the fact that when you weigh up the hours at the end of each week, there are certain days where somebody else has clocked up more hours with my child than I have as a parent. And that to me, in a simple equation, just makes me feel like I'm being an absent father because I just don't have the hours clocked up like someone else does. And it's not to say that just because you haven't clocked up more hours and someone else, you can't be a present dad or a present mom. But it's just the way that my brain is wide. I don't know if other parents are the same. But that is a thought that I'm trying to rub out in my own mind. It is just parent guilt.

That's what it is. Yeah. A lot of the time people can't articulate why they feel guilty. You just articulate it. So their first step already, you've acknowledged it. And you're like, if someone who didn't care, and this is being says all the time, didn't care, wouldn't even acknowledge it. So the fact that you care

means that you'll be more mindful of the time that when you're with her, it might be shorter, but it will be a bit deeper and more meaningful. Thank you. Let me just make sure I got that correct. And there's my coping mechanism. Ash, can I squeeze in

something really quick? Do you mind? That's what she said. But yes, he said? Oh my gosh. All right, okay. Time for this. Oh, oh, I want to be freer to say what. Man, I feel like a pair rant. Hey!

This is from Kate. Her pair rant is. And just for those wondering, Per rant is just little gripes that you parents can get off your chest, send it to us, and air it out. Give it oxygen. Her pair rant is not being able to discipline other people's kids. It is such a mood killer.

I'm going to disagree. I think discipline away. Oh, honestly. Yeah Mike, I'm not saying hit the child You are? Yeah, no, I think it depends On how close you are with that family

Nah No, okay Even at the park road Well, this is what I mean There's a, there's a how close you are And then how much of a distant There's a sweet spot What about if a kid is throwing sand

In Macy's face in the park You fucking punch the fuck out No, sorry You throw Ash Dial it down a little bit I tell you, I grab hold of their parents And I say,

Your kids No, you don't. Throw on sand. No. You got to, I have no problem and stepping in and saying, that's not a kind thing to do. Put your hand down. Yeah, that's fine. With the rant, I do agree that if you're not up to it, like in terms of up to, okay, well, I've got my kids.

I would hate it if someone was to tell off my kids without saying, hey, your kids doing it. I get there's different, as my wife would say, different strokes for different folks, whatever that means. If you're okay, do you know where it is a perfect example? if you're at the pool, not to reference back... We keep going back to the pool. But if you're at a resort where there's a pool and lots of kids playing, and there are certain boys that are a little bit older, being a bit more rough in the water,

that is a hard environment to be... I can't discipline a kid who's over the age of... Once they're in double digits... I can't touch them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't approach them. I have done it before. I did tell the story where I told that kid to fuck off.

and remember his, and that was the wrong choice of words, but that's just an insight to how my mind works. You remind me where was it again? It was at a pub, at a playground, and Macy was like six months old, and this kid was throwing, it was like a makeshift jenga set out of, like, timber, and he's throwing him.

And I did say, hey, can you not? And then he threw it again. And I was like, can you stop fucking throwing the timber? And he walked back, he went, got his dad, and his dad came around, and it was this massive bikey. It was a nightmare. So there is, look, things do back.

fire sometimes. Thankfully, Macy was six months old and that dad of his right mind, looked at me, looked at Macy and went, I see what's happened here. And he said to me, hey, you can tell my kid off just don't use any language. And I said, look, I'm really sorry. As you can imagine, new dad, I wasn't. I'll weasel my way out of anything. Trust me. Anyway, it was all fine. But there's times- Oscar comes over and you're like, push him out of the way. I tell my friend's kids off all the time. Like I am known as scary Uncle Wicks, especially in my space. I think you're allowed to be a bit more like, hey, don't do that. This is my space.

But like if a kid is noticeably not listening and playing up and even not listening to a mum or whatever, my kid's involved and whatever. And I'll be like, first, oh, I'll be like to my kids, hey, don't encourage this any further. And then if it continues, I'll be like, hey, don't because I don't. Can you fuck off? Yeah, yeah. I'll be like, hey, don't because I don't want Oscar or Macy. picking up that behavior. Can you stop?

Whenever we hang out together, I always have to say to my kids the moment before they come in contact with you, just remember, we're about to see big, scary Uncle Ash. And at any moment, he may explode. So just when he says something and he's getting frustrated, run. Oh, you couldn't have described me any better. All right, here he is. Hey, Ash! Hey, yes! What the fuck do you want? Yeah, I'm going to go back to there's a sweet spot. Okay. There is a sweet spot. And if you feel comfortable and it's like you did it where it's like, hey, don't do that, fine. If it's a complete random kid and they're a shithead, mouth off as much as you like,

because at the end of the day, it's your word against theirs. As long as the parent is not a bikey. Yeah. Better check out big and tattooed their parents are first. Ash, quick question. Quick question. We're calling this now Dota Dilemmas. I love it.

Okay. Yeah. Just when I thought this show couldn't get any better. Previously called listener questions That was real creative That took it's a long time to come up with that A new age of two don'ting dads is upon us First one from someone on the Facebook group

And they were wanting to know When you're playing games With your kid could be sport Could be any other game Do you let them win or Do you say stuff it? I want the victory myself You got to find a balance

I was bowling with the kids recently Okay And I wasn't trying to win, but I was ahead of Lola by a few points. There was about three rounds to go in 10 pin bowling. And I thought, I could tell she really wanted to win. And I was thinking to myself, do I throw a couple of gutter balls? Because the kids would have the gutters come up. For me, no gutters.

Oh, okay, big guy. Don't want to flex. But I don't know. I'm a non-gatter guy. I don't know. Oh, sorry, they came out wrong. Hey, no bumpers. And I thought to myself, what do I?

do you do I teach my child an important life lesson in that you don't always win yes or do I give her the victory you gave it to her didn't you I accidentally bowled a strike oh yeah woo followed by another strike and she was very very very very upset and the thing is you try and teach in this important life lesson but then you got to deal with the aftermath you know you're talking half an hour of winging like I've just forked out all this Rub it in. The lesson, I think it can't be that they're going to lose every time. You're right, especially if they're putting in hard work.

But also as well, they can't win every time. Like I always say to Oscar, you can win everything, but be a good winner about it. So like, for example, if he beat, you still be like, hey, that was a good game, right? I think that's really important, especially when you're playing team sports and you aren't in control of everything and you're not going to win everything all the time. Like, you can try your best as long as you try your best. But then at the same time, I don't think that letting them win everything is good as well. Because if they go out to school and they're like, oh, yeah, I always win.

Like at the moment, Oscar and I play, you know the game, horse, right? Where you shoot from a spot with basketball and you get the letters. Ours is called poo because one, they think it's funny. And two, it's way shorter. Easy to spell. It's way easy to spell. And Oscar loves, he loves just saying, you're a poo at the end of it. Great.

Bit of fun. But it's a lower hoop and whatever like that. And I let him win a couple. I win and we try and keep it as even as possible. Sometimes I'm just on. But then we went to a park that had a basketball hoop that's regulation height. And that's when I fucking dominate. Oh, I was dunking on that boy.

No, but he was like, oh yeah, this is easy and brag into his mates and stuff like that. And then I didn't say anything. You take your shirt off and you're like, let's dance. I didn't say anything because I thought, you're not strong enough to reach that hoop with a ball, young boy. I'm not going to tell you that. I'm going to let you figure it out. It's resilience building. Yeah, and he was hitting the rim, hitting the rim from the bottom, because he's like four foot.

And the roof's like seven and a half feet or whatever. And I said to him, hey, you can't be walking around here thinking you're dominating. I think that's even worse because if they're going and winning everything their whole lives because your parents have let them win, then like how are they going to build any resistance or how are they going to act when they go out and get flogged by someone, which happens. Do you remember when I said this would be a quick one? Yeah. Do you think I fucking elicent? Not that.

I'm not going to let you win this one. But I think no. I think no. I think you've got to find a balance. You've made your point. What? I got one as well for you. There we go.

We just had like a really rainy Sunday. So this is a good one actually. What family movies left you traumatized as a child? The first one that sticks out. And I blame my older sister for this. Shout out to Kate who is listening. Do you remember my girl? No.

What? My girl. It's McCauley Colkin. He plays a little boy. That's Home Alone, bro. Also, RIP, to the mom in Home Alone died. Thank you. Home, I mean, sorry, I'm alone.

My girl. Gotcha. It is a beautiful story of a young boy, a young girl. It's a love story, essentially. but they're young children. And tragically, the boy dies. He's allergic to bees. And then they have this open casket funeral in the house.

Oh my God. And he's had, you can see, literally open casket, he's got bee stings all over his face. And then the girl runs up to the coffin. And she's saying he can't see. He doesn't have his glasses because he wears glasses. It's horrific. What is it with?

And it's a kids film. I remember watching it with my sister being like, ah! I know what, like there's so much death in these old movies. Look, we were watching the Emperor's New Groove with the kids, and I was like, oh, that's a fun line.

She tries to kill the Emperor. And then they're like, look at these peasants. Wish they're trying to kill you. It's like, what the fuck? Like, oh my God. Empress and the Groo is that old, is it? How old are we talking? Yeah, we're talking like animation,

like, late 90s, early 2000s animation before Toy Story. and stuff like that really like took stride and it became more 3D. I'm talking 2D stuff. One that really like stands out for me that I can recall is Bambi. What happens in Bambi? From what I recall, there's a bushfire and the mum of this baby deer dies. Okay.

She dies. She gets burnt alive. You get her, I can still hear her screaming. No, there's that. Okay, so let's just recall really quick. Bambi, there's a bushfire, the mum dies. Traumatic. Lion King, there's a stampede, of course

Scar pushes the dad off he murders the dad on a children's film in front of all the children The brother I can't even watch it I'm in my 30s the brother

So can you imagine your uncle Murdering your dad That's pretty much what's happened In front of you And not just You're falling from a great height You were then trampled to death by other animals.

Yeah, but then he also, after that, he forces his nephew to run away. It's a child. It's horrific. How did I? No wonder I've got a fear of abandonment. Like, for God's sake, how did, how would I know, like, as a child watching that, I think that's just normal. Granted, it is animation and they are lines.

Did you watch Land Before Time? That's what I was going to say. And I don't know the details of that, but I know the mum dies. Let me just, little foot. I think they're like a diplodocus. Long-necked dinosaur, Herbivore. The one looks like a penis. Yes.

Go. Go on. So, little foot, they're walking along. What comes along? T-rex. But the mum is so brave that she fights, fights to the death to save her little child. She then gets the T-Rex.

She beats him. But then she is so badly hurt that she is no longer able to continue. And then the mom's last words are two. her child as she's taking her last breath, remember the way to the hidden valley. And she's saying like, mom, please. And then she slowly passes away? And then she then dies. Oh my God.

I can't. I can't. Even now as a man in his 40s, we're living that moment is bringing me to tears. Oh, I know. The bushfire from Bambi is burned in the back of my head. Literally. Choice of words. Come on.

And also like, honey, I shrunk the kids. Oh my God. I was so worried I was going to be shrunk. Everywhere I went, I'm like, Dad, get away from me. Don't shrink me. The ant. Oh my God.

The ant in it. Anyway, it's all trauma. How did we get by? Ash. Ash, we must go. We need to go. Yes, we do. Sorry, I rambled.

No, you didn't. But I do want to know. Dota dilemmas. If there are any listeners out there, go to our Facebook group. If you're not a friend already, request to be a friend and give us your Dota Dilemmas so we can try to.

solve them or we could just reminisce and traumatize ourselves again. Please. Also, find us some social media at Two Doting Dads on TikTok on Instagram. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube. I said that already. Facebook. No, you didn't. No, you didn't.

I did. I did. Go back. Listen to the tapes. Listen to the tapes. No. If you did like this episode, please leave a review. Send it to a friend.

Five stars. Spotify. We are going to do a tutorial on how to leave a review if you don't know how. So keep an eye out for that. Time to go. I think that's it. Yep, let's go. It's been a pleasure recording with you today.

I wish I could say it the same. Like, what a joy. What a joy every Tuesday, spending it with yourself. Oh, thank you. Wow. Wow. Okay. Goodbye.

Two doting dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present, and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigle Land.