Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #213 Popcorn & Punch-Ups: When Parents Go Missing

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

This week it's back to the crazy, beautiful chaos of parenting and the boys feel like they're in the wild west where it's every parent for themselves. Matt stumbles into a kids' fight club at the cinema and is wondering where the f*** are all the parents!?  Meanwhile Ash thinks Oscar has signed up to some sort of playground premier league. And the boys discuss why kids are so obsessed with bandaids and when we all need to stop being nude in front of them.  If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Look at you. Look at you dropping videos of your drops or? We used one of the bathrooms as storage and I opened the door up after the weekend. And I was like, fuck, it stinks like shit in here. Macy's left a turd in the toilet. For how long? Three days. Oh.

Back to two doting dads. My name is Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And we promised ourselves one of the things.

in this lifetime. That is never to give advice. Absolutely not. Well, I always, I heard the rumors of you being handy around the house. Like, you did the curtains. Yeah, I was just, I was just warming up. That was a little warm up. That was a little teaser and appetizer for the main course, which is- Yeah, I've also painted the house and readied all the door furniture and where are you at now in your journey to redo the flooring of your place? Day six, but the first two days were just clearing the old stuff out and I'll tell you what, it's hard work. man. My back. The problem with flaws is it's

it's on the floor. You know when you get to a certain age and you're like whenever you get up or sit down anywhere. That's just me walking around. April's like, I can hear, I know when you're getting up or getting down because you're just groaning. Yeah.

It's just like, I walk past you and be like, oh. Do you have knee pads? No, no, no, I'm not on my knees, bro. I'm fucking Indo squat. I'm down there like a crab. What do you got to do? What's left?

Look, I've done majority of. It's just around the edges and then I've got to cut and measure and use skirtings to go in. It's very impressive. I couldn't do that. Trady that also said so. He said, very impressive son. And I said, thanks, Dad. I love how everyone is well, like the go-to comment is like, do my place next, would you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like when you're washing the car out of the front of your house or something. I'll drive mine over and you do it. I'm just like, shut up, Bob. Wow, just such a talented guy. April is very lucky. Thank you. I think you underestimate my abilities.

Yes, I do. I don't think there is anything that I can't do in some capacity. Name it. I'll do it. I'll give it a go. I would love at some point, not now, when the kids are old up, for you to become an astronaut. They can't do that. Not with that attitude.

No, nothing is impossible, Matthew. I do want to feel the G-forces. What about helicopter pilot? Done. I feel like you could, you have that level of autism where you could do that. I feel like yesterday I message you and I said, I want to drive a race car really fast and you didn't even say to it. Well, like, what am I right back to that?

Let's do it. I don't know. Give me something. Give me something. Out of nowhere? You're like, I want to drive really fast. Yeah, I was just driving my car like 150Ks down a 60K street and I was like, I want to go faster than this.

Also, we're joking. Yeah, that was a joke. Just in case anyone is wondering. But I did park illegally. Where? I went to the manly game on the weekend. And amongst all the flooring, I had to take Oscar because I took the whole crew. There ended up being like 10 of us.

But I was just so late that I was like, fuck it. I just parked across like a pedestrian crossing. Do you get a fine? Nah. Victory. Manly lost. That feels good. It's a good gamble.

Once I got a haircut and I thought I nabbed a park, came back an hour later. I just parked across someone's driveway. I was like, whoops. Did they notice? Oh, it didn't get a little note. Oh, you're sweet. I had nothing. And I was like, oh, do that more often.

This was a Sunday. I was like, pedestrians crossings aren't valid. Sunday's red hot for a fine. Hey, we have to quickly go to housekeeping. Ash, can you confirm what day currently of recording are we at night? We're in triple figures. 100. 100 today.

Well done. Yes, I do want to say thank you to everyone that did reach out. It does mean a lot. This is from Sally. She says, hey, guys, first up, yes, I rated you and left you want a hell of a review. Thank you. You're welcome. This one's for Ash.

I just wanted to say, well done on the sober journey. Hearing you talk about the Supercar's weekend with Oscar and saying it was a sober one, honestly made me feel really proud. You probably don't realize the gift you're giving your kids. They'll grow up remembering a dad who was completely present. I am 966 days sober myself. Wow. And it is the best gift I've ever given myself.

My husband and my four kids all benefit, and it's been the catalyst for improving other areas of my health too. I recently was diagnosed with ADHD. This is like the female version of you. She's got more days under a belt, though. I've just done the flooring at my apartment. And I did a stellar job. Sorry.

Anyway, I couldn't keep listening without stopping to acknowledge it. Sobriety is definitely my superpower now and life is so much more fun, sober, something I would have laughed at before. You're smashing it. Welcome to the club. It's Elite AF. Also, have a miss a nap. Love the pod.

Keep it up, fellas. Oh, I love that. Thank you, Sally. I would have never thought ever that I could potentially live without alcohol. It's so embedded in just co-werellied. in just culture everywhere you go. I didn't think we'd be here either. I know.

I was like, I thought I'd be long dead before this day, this day would come. So thank you to everyone that did write in. Lovely messages. I think the biggest part really, which for dudes, now that I'm reflecting on the last, you know, today's day 100, reflecting on that was the hardest part about it, I think in my head was that, I don't know, so many of my friendships and stuff were all based around it and everything. And it was kind of like, now all of my friends are just like, oh, actually doesn't drink. And now we just carry on.

And there was a minor speed bump where it's like the first like, ah, how long is it's going to last? Thank you. Now it's like I just did the whole weekend doing the flooring and stuff with a mate who I would usually drink with. And he had a couple of beers later in that day, but it was never, it was just like, whatever. Love that. There was nothing. So, I mean, at the moment, going strong. So yeah, thank you for all the messages.

Someone actually said in that video, with that little skid about the friend who can't be quiet while, while the baby's sleeping. Oh, yeah. And someone was like, wow, Ash is so healthy. Look at those eyes. I know. Did you see that? Mate, I've looked.

I rewatched the video and I was like, they're how good, I guess. I know. I was like, looking back at like, oh, like, that's right. I did a video for Big Dub last year just with Oscar. And I was like, fucking, who's this fat piece of shit? No, don't see. But like, you could tell that I just wasn't, you know, when you see, like, you see, like, an actor. And then, you know, you haven't seen him in a while.

and they come back and they've been on this health journey and then you look back and go, yeah, you're actually looking really fucking, like you were going through some shit. So like, yeah, I look back and I'm like,

some photos I can't recognize myself. Yeah, it's amazing to see how far you've come. I know, and it's like, I'm not really doing that much exercise. You're getting better looking. Thank you.

Be careful. A couple of photos are gone, fucking hell. Here he is. Wow, that jawline's popping out. I've been, yeah,

I've been mewing. Yeah. No, it's all the chewing gum, for God's sake. I need to do something. Hey, I don't know if I mentioned to you the fact that Lola, when she started daycare, she joined after the year had started, also then moved different age groups.

So last year, she ended up getting like no birthday invites. And because her cousin was also in the same daycare. She'd been there since day one. So she was getting all the invites. So she was aware of what she was missing out on. And she was like, Dad, when will I get my birthday invite? She did get it. She got one.

I did. You did say that she got one. She had the birthday part. She had two. She went to two. Two on Saturday. I was like, Dad, this is a bit much. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know if I can't. Can you call my agent? I can't keep the son. You have to call my manager. First one was a little cousin. Shout to Charlotte. Shaz. And then Shaz bagaz.

And then the afternoon was the boys party, dinosaur party. That's right. Before we went, because she was one of the only girls. The only girl from her class who went to this boys party, we were just about to go. And to Laura, I said, oh, you know, this is the one where she's the only girl. And Laura goes, oh, yeah. Hey Lola Oh God

Have fun at the party Remember you're the only girl there So the boy's birthday it is It's pretty much your boyfriend And then like Lola starts crying Oh no She's like my boyfriend What?

No I'm not ready I just aren't up to this Laura shut up And she's like good luck But the party was great Was that the pressure And also we'll note Pass a parcel

They instead of having one with multiple layers They had one little one That they pass around So when it stopped, the person keeps that one, the little toy. They then had another little one that went round. They had a bag of like 10 little pass-the-passer. Why don't they just, I'd confuse. Doesn't they take the fun out of the game?

Because the kids are so dumb, they don't realize. Yeah, that's true. And every kid would like, would get it and go. I wonder what it is. Look at the parent with the speaker going, is this? For me? Yeah, yeah. They all stop and pull.

Yeah, hurt. Okay, it's not me. Yeah, it's like, yeah. It's only been around once in the hour because every kid stopped to be like, me. Eyes up, not me, and I'll pass it on. Lola, she was like the third last to get one and the anxiety when she was just like. I'm just waiting for that kid to miss out one kid to miss that. So it was a great birthday, great party.

Love that. Hey, school lunches. We are the second year of school lunches. Macy also pack her lunch Monday and Wednesday for preschool because it's one of those ones, whatever they are. But Fridays, we give. We give Oscar a lunch order. Okay, it's all done by an app now. I do miss the paper bag.

We used to write it on there. Is your app called Quicker? I don't know. April does all that part. I make majority of the lunches during the week. I don't know. I just sort of fell into that role. We did Wednesday as the tuck shop order.

Midweek? Yeah, it sucked. I was like, got to Friday. I was like, we're doing another one. I know. Yeah. You're like, once you... They have dump...

Yeah, this is going to sound. They have dumplings on a Wednesday. Oh, a marinawa on a. Thursday. That's all we go sir on on the Friday.

Oh, God. I knew you'd take that angle. Sam Mahali likes the dumplings on the Wednesday.

See food dumplings for me please. It's like what's in the dumpling? A lot of Asian foods,

I will say, do include peanuts. Yeah, the dumplings are pork, pork dumplings. With no

peanuts. No peanuts, bro. Well, I wouldn't stand for that. But then on the Friday, the best thing there is the cheesy pasta

and they're not reeling to the cheesy pasta okay Oscar's into the big like the yummy drummies I guess like the chicken tenders just the big chicken tender poor people food I don't know if you're familiar What is that? What drummy?

Do they steam it? What animal is that from? Did you say fry? Oh! At least they can do is poach it. Just poach it for us please but like I had to pretend like I knew

what that was I know what a drummy is. Who makes the lunches like, you? You'll be a lunch, man, guy. I'm a lunch guy. Or is it Nana? What the fuck is Nana doing over there? Nana comes in, she moses on in sometimes, and she's like, I'll do a lunch.

And bless her cotton socks. Because she's bored. That must be nice. She's got a box of chips that she keeps in her bedroom, like a big box. What sort of chips? Like Smith's, like, you know, they got chicken, they got original. And the box variety. The box variety, she keeps it in a room.

Where are they, tell me right now. The kids will find it. And now they'll ransack the box and there'll be nothing left for the lunches. So she brings out the box. But then she makes the lunches and I've checked the lunch. And she's in there's being like a salami stick and a packet of chips. And that's it for a whole day. It's just different flavors of chips.

Yeah, I'm like, no, no, that's not a... Where's the sandwich? She's like, that'll be fine. Oh, God. I'm like, let me put a sandwich in there. She's like, oh, fine, fair enough. My kids are like, we don't want sandwiches anymore. What are the other options here?

What else is... I saw that someone had a cold sausage in their lunch once. What's wrong with that? Well, I just think it's weird. I do it. You put a cold sausage in, whose lunchbox? In Louise. Oh, that kid's going to grow up.

With sauce or no sauce? You've got to have sauce. Because by the time lunch rolls around. It's hot. Is it? What's wrong with the cold sausage? That's a great filler. You're like, cold lamb shank for anyone?

You did have cold lamb shank for a while there. When? You gave me one. It was fucking delicious. Yeah, because Nana did a cookup. Yeah, you're right, I did. That was me. Damn it!

I think, you know how like all old, like American movies and stuff? They got a cafeteria. I would like that situation. I'd go for lunch. We had that at my high school where the borders would eat. The borders, them, the others. The others. But you could pay to eat there, I think.

That's good gear. Do they have, like, on a card or something? Not back then. Back then, it was all. all notes and coins. I'd love to send my kids to a boarding school. But my sister's been doing the canteen or tuck shop, whatever you call it, at school on a Thursday.

She got paid? What's the pay? No, you just volunteer. She was like, it's pretty fun. And she's like, it's pretty cool with kids running up and seeing it. I would be the grumpyest canteen. I'd be like so cranky. No, you're all, I've seen you with kids.

Stop trying to pretend like you're a big old. Shut up. What do you want? I've re-ripping them off left for a rent-in-zana. I want to get me something. I think, I reckon I'm going to volunteer on canteen. Are you? For a couple of hours, because you can just do as, like, you can just do an hour,

you can do the full day. Yes, chef. I can do that. I can just expect to, like. I can mose you and I'll give out, I'll give out free stuff to the kids, you know. That's called grooming, Matthew. Just back up a little bit there. If the all of primary school is listening.

He didn't mean that. I'm nervous to volunteer, though. I said to my sister, well, you got to make sure that when I volunteer, you've got to be there as well. The best thing about it is they can't sack you because you're a volunteer. I think you can get asked to not come back. That's the dream. Yeah.

That's how you get out of things. Do a bad job. I can't. But the idea of, because these kids, surely they're going to, no one's got cards, these little kids. These kids are going to be using trap. Amex. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But imagine, I don't know how the pressure of trying to. Dad gave me his card. That's definitely a divorce dad. He's just like, he's going. But it's counting the change. That's what, that's what makes me. nervous.

In case you count it wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Speaking of lunches, I mentioned that we had the appliances from hell. They're all dying one by one. The fridge was gone. Yeah, fridge was gone.

Don't act so surprised. No, what, you got rid of it? No, it broke, remember? Yeah, I knew it broke, but it's still there. It's still there. It's still there. Two week wait. Choice of words, man.

Called up a repairer. I've got to find out his name. I can't remember who he was. But I was like, my fridge is broken and he was like, he was in the middle. I can hear him fixing and he goes, what's, what's wrong with it? And he like, it sounded like he was on his hands and knees. In a fridge. Yeah, in a fridge, in the back of a fridge. And he goes, what, what's the model? And he goes, what's the door configuration? Is a French door? Is it? Fucking fridge whisperer. Yeah. And I was like, no, it's two, like, French doors.

Oh, the old double in the slide at the bottom. I don't know. And then the free is a pullout. And he goes, the any chance someone leave that freezer drawer, like, open? And I go, yeah, fucking. Laura did. And he goes, what happens is that gets all like melted. And then when you close it, it then blocks up the vents. He goes, just turn it off for 24 hours, turn it back on. You'll be right. Boom.

Fixed it. Worked. The whole, you know how everyone jokes about like turn it on, turn it off. That's all. It works. It works. And I was like, I've got to call him back to be like, thank you so much. And he's like, who is this?

On the go of the double and the pull out. Oh, yeah, just one of the others. I thought we had a thing. I thought we had a bond. He's just like, you're just a number to me, son. Delete this phone number. Move on. I've got out of the fridges to fry.

Hey, I got a little message, by the way, from a Dota, from Indonesia. And they've got a parenting or like a relationship hack here. Yeah, move to Indo. Done. He says, hey guys, love your podcast. I listen to it while putting the kids to sleep and have often jolts. them awake from laughing. She has a bit of a parenting wife hack here. I don't know if this is one that we can use here. But let me read it to you and do what you think. Go, yeah. Go late. I'm excited.

We built a house in Indonesia. Is that the hack? That's hack one. And decided to keep the bathroom mostly outdoor without a roof. Okay. Yeah, that's pretty traditional over there. This means my hubby's poop time has reduced to only 10 minutes in the morning as the sun is so hot, he's sweating or getting sunburn or 10 minutes in the evening because of the number of mosquitoes that are outside. He's pleaded to put a roof on it, but I've

declined. As I know, the length of time he will spend in the bathroom will be increased. I'll take the heat stroke over 30 minutes of solo parenting any day. Honestly, I don't mind the old, I don't mind sweating. Sorry, Vic.

What? It feels like I'm in a sauna. When you're pooping? Yeah. I love how he's like, please. I need some shelter and she's like, shut up! Shut up, I'm pooping the elements. I think it's a hack for sure, because, like,

I mean, I'm not a long shitter, but I've got friends with that long shit. You're quick. Me? No, I don't really. I like, sometimes the other day, it was three in a day. What? Three times in a day. Yeah, three times in a morning. Just not going for the one big one? Just, I don't know what's going on.

I just did one and like half an hour later. I was like, could get back. The human body is strange. It's a mystery. It is a mystery. You think you've got it dying. And then at 38, 39.

39. 39. No, 38. It's like, it's like your asshole's also 39 years old. And eventually runs out of steam, I guess. And it's like, I'm not going to give you the whole amount now.

I'm going to ration the shit out. I can't hold it any longer. Tomorrow's shit's coming right now. Yeah. But then the next side's like, you know what? No. We're good.

It's not coming out. Yeah. I'm going to leave it in there. For two days. Yeah. It's just fucking with you now. Yeah. My kids.

There's enough shit chat. My kids have this weird kink. Okay. Right now. I don't know if your kids have ever done this. Kink? Well, there's this something they're really into. Okay.

I don't know how they started this game. They love it right now when we do a bit of role play and I come into the house and I pretend like I don't know them. They're like, finally. Finally, he's such a clinger. He's so clinging this guy. Stage five. So what I do is I come in and I go, who are you guys?

And they're like, where are your daughters? And I'm like, I'd ever meet you before my life. That's fun. And we do this five-minute bit where I pretend like I've never seen them before. Impro? You've just got... Majority of parenting is improv, but this is planned improv. It's weird.

And they're like, do it again. Yeah, how about you do it this time? In public, you pretend like you don't know who we are. At the markets. I was trying to get rid of here. And I was like, what are you guys doing here? It's the equivalent of like... You're trying to get rid of someone.

It's like, let's play hard and see. And they just go off and hide and don't find them. Except I thought I took it one. sit further and I was like well I've actually got another family took the role play part and I was like because I came home late and I'm a pilot and they're like where have you been I said my seeing my other family tears oh that's the line yeah you're like cross over it's like know your part don't rewrite the script okay that's what the people that's the people upstairs I'm going to try it and see what they think I don't know if kit Vic your kids like that role playing well like

pretend like you don't know them? My kids love to pretend like they don't know me. I've not done that. Everyone try it. It's good good. I'm going to give it a go. They thought it was hilarious. I think that like,

majority of the time kids just don't know when you're joking whatsoever. Oh yeah, when I was like, I've got another family. I got a son. Marley was like, what? I finally got a son. Dan does a thing where he chucks them over his shoulder. He's like, have you seen Louis or have you seen Lily? Like, yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's a classic. Yeah, like they're hidden in plain sight. Hidden in, that's good gear, too. That's good gear. Kids are dumb. That's the low-hanging fruit of parenting. I know, yeah.

If in doubt, pretend they're not there. Hey, before we pack up housekeeping, we have had a lot of people ask us about the pints and ponytails. Oh, yeah. Concept. We're doing our own spin on it. Looking at calling it braid and bruise, bros up braid. We'll figure it out. We're looking into it.

It's on the to-do list. I'm excited because April had two weeks. in the city I had to do Macy's hair for two weeks. The poor thing. She looked like shit for two weeks. I'm sorry, Macy. I'm very, very sorry. I even said, hey, what about a haircut?

It's like, just to see. She's like, no. But I need to learn, I do need to learn how to do. Because she's got a lot of hair. I've never had that much hair. It's thick. It is thick. They got that young people hair.

It's not like his old people hair. It's a lot to handle. It's like full, mine's falling out. I don't want to say anything, but it is thin. My dad's bald. My granddad's ball. My grandmother's ball, too. Look, I don't want to take my own horn here. No, it's not what I'm about.

Aren't you? No, I, you know, I like to be very humble in my achievements, but... Hence the dumpling channel. Because Laura is an absent mother in the mornings. Kidding. I knew you'd like that. I love that. I want to hear more. The grin on Ash's face right now.

I've never been happier. He's like, oh. Yes. In the erection onto the table. How do you know? I do the kid's hair. So I'm pretty good at it. Pretty good.

Well, you do have three girls. I can do the old double pig tail. Can you? Yeah, I'm on the cusp of being able to do a plat well enough to send them to school with a platted ponytail. There's a character in this for sure somewhere along the way that you could develop. The overbearing child stylist. You're just like, I know how to do that. I know how to do things that moms don't know how to do.

Is this a character or is this just me? You. That's you. Yep. I use the word character just off in the blow. Actually, for any mum's listening, you have the ponytail, step up, is a double ponytail. Ponetail's first step. I think first step. I thought put a hat on's first step for me. Poor little macy. Yeah, she's like, but what's the, you have a ponytail platt, then what's the step up from that? Two hats. Wide-brim hat, followed by a cap on top.

And that's why I asked for the mums to give me their advice on that one. And you move on to a helmet. Waces, walking around with a burker. I know. Oh, poor thing. We got some breaking news. We do. What have you found?

All right. Well, this popped up on the internet for me this week, and I, myself, have experienced this every single day of my life since having a child. And I wanted to see if you guys agree. Men can typically sleep through every noise at night, but after a woman gives birth, she literally can cannot. Childbirth causes a permanent enlargement of the amygdala in a woman's brain, keeping a mother on alert 24-7 even while she's asleep. I don't believe that for a second. And here is why. Hang on. Wow. Go ahead. Okay. April's like sleeping. This is science, by the way. April's like sleeping next to a dead body. Okay. She does not move. She does not wake. She does not do a thing. She doesn't

hear me come in. In her meditation, which is bit woo-woo for my liking, the person, who's doing the meditation introduces themselves pretty early on in the piece. And I was like, do you know the name of the person who introduced it? She's like, no, I've never heard it because she falls asleep that quickly. And then also as well in that, is she where, is she plugged in headphones? No, no, I can hear it. Oh, it's out loud. Yeah, every night for the last like five years. She doesn't know the name of this person. Okay. That is bliss. She's just like out. And then also as well. I'm like, do you know anything that happens along the way of this thing? And she's like, no, because there's a part in it that I know vividly, because I'll wake up through anything.

It says you'll sleep through traffic or sleep through everything, but you'll wake at the soft murmur of your child lies. Hey, maybe her, is it amygdala? Amygdala. Maybe she's got a small amygdala. Whatever that is. Sounds sexual. I've got a big amygdala, babe. The big ones hurt. April years ago Went away with her mom And her brother to Hawaii Together And her mom

She said Thank you Her and her mom She had a mom Came back and was like I had to check a pulse a few times She thought she was dead She's honestly like a dead body

When she makes the bed Her side of the bed It's the easiest job in the house You just fold the fucking Duna back over Walla Like she just doesn't move Like I'll come in

I'll crash bang And whatever Like have a shower in the onsuit, the lights are on or whatever. And then in the next day I'm like, oh, sorry about last night. She's like, we're talking about. Nothing. She's slept right through it. But then as soon as her alarm goes off at like 4 o'clock in the morning, she's...

What's her sleep score? It'd be like high distinction. I want to know what REM she's getting. A hundred and... You do love Ren. I love it. Yeah, sweet, sweet REM. Put a garment on her. Put a wood band on it. I've tried to sleep track her secretly. What about when the kids were

little though. Did she wake every time the baby woke or did you have to wake her up? No, she definitely did like, I think when the anxiety woke her up like a while back. The amygdala was flaring back then. Amygdala was flared right up. But she, yeah, like the moment, she's in a really good sleep routine for itself. Maybe it wears off as your children get bigger. Maybe it starts to wear off because I'm still fine like I'll hear everything. Like every little sound. Like I can hear the kids door opening and then close. That's me.

See, I can hear every noise. And then I can hear, obviously, our door opening and closing. I know when a kid's moving in their bed. Like, if Oscar's gone like this, like moved to slightest bit, I don't know. Here it comes. I can hear it. I can hear it coming. Either that or I'm hearing things.

You caught it off her. Is it? Can you do that? We need to measure your amygdala. We need to check my REM sleeper be. You'd be one of the few cases of the man having a larger amygdala. I have male amygdala. Because Laura just, she's like, yeah, there's a mouse.

She's like, who's the mouse? in the corner, whereas I, like, I will wake up. But we've had someone accidentally when we lived in an apartment, I forgot to lock the door. And they came into our front door thinking it was the exit because we were on the ground level by the front door. Oh, I recall this. That's my biggest fear.

And then Laura was like, Matt. And I was like, shut up. She was like, someone is in the fucking house. Fuck. And then I sprung up and I got him. You got him. Chase him out? Chase them out.

When I used to live in an apartment, I get an apartment, my dad used to always walk into the downstairs neighbor's house. He's like, they all look the same. Middle of the night, walk straight in. And then he'll come in, it'll come into our apartment and be like,

I just went in downstairs. You should see what they're having dinner. He's like, I feel like pizza wise. Like downstairs was having pizza. Did you get a slice? Nah. But yeah, April, the best sleeper I know. Also, just want to say to my wife,

if she's listening, It's not my fault. It's my amygdala. Amygdala, yeah. Amygdala. It's my amygdala. I wish I had a bigger amygdala. The cruel bitch of amygdala.

Thank you. I can't pronounce that word. You got me with that. Amygdala. Amygdala, yeah. So I'm going to debunk science and say that I have the one mum in the house that sleeps through absolutely everything.

But I can hear them. Maybe not now with a new flaws, so I won't be able to hear them. Sounds good. Matt. Yeah. Obviously, we've been over with Jen about asking kids how old of school and a lot of the time you get one word answers.

But do you know what your girls do at lunchtime? No idea. None at all. I'm trying to get it out of them. I think Marley, now that she's grade one, is allowed to play in a different area. Ooh. I don't even know where Lola's allowed to play. What do they do?

What does she do? I don't, yeah. I sometimes when I drop them off, I hang around just to see how the kids play with each other. He's just a lot of running, a lot of screaming. To the fence. I saw two boys playing with each other, and they were just, they just... Okay. If anyone's tuning in with no context.

In the playground, as a... That doesn't really... The game they played was they ran for 10 metres, and then just fell to the floor and laughed. Oh, the old classic zombie game. Yeah, and I was... And they just did that for five minutes, and I was like, what the fuck are these kids doing? I wish I was that easily entertained. What are they doing?

To be fair, I'm not far away. of it. They actually do have those little blocks that you step on and you have a little bits of rope. So it gives you like an extra 10 centimetres of height. Your kids going to school in the 80? What's going on here? It's a circus. There's a lion, a ring of fire. There's a whole thing. What's Oscar doing? In my quest to be a better father, I've started to ask more open-ended questions. I found out that my son is essentially part of the Champions League, the way he streets the lunchtime soccer game. Oh, they've got soccer at, yeah. I'm talking there's, He's obviously embellishing.

Just like his father, semi-professional. Semi-professional at lunchtime. But, like, it's so in-depth the detail of this soccer game. I'm like, okay, who's picking the... There's like a transfer window of you. You can swap teams. I'm like, okay, talk me through it. Is there a referee?

Yeah. Who is? Who's the referee? Me? What position are you playing? Golly? And you're ref? But you've scored 10 goals?

Someone's not adding up here. And it's like, he was like, so, what? What happened was I was coming down the right side. He doesn't know he's left and right, really. He's like, I was going down the side and someone tripped me, then we had a penalty, then there was a penalty shooter. I am on the edge of my seat. Like, I'm listening to the Champions League.

Can we start betting on this? That was going to be my next thought. And then I found out today, I will walk into the car. And I was like, oh, not going to be out. I'm injured. I'm like, what? He's like, yeah, yeah, I'm going to be out for like six to eight weeks. Like, what?

What happened? He was like, oh, I'm going to be out. got a sore leg so I can't run and can't play soccer I can't. Like, is it serious? No. I'm like, you walk to the car fine. He's like, yeah, yeah. It's not all the time.

Like an on school field physio? What's the coach say about this? Who's the coach? He's the coach, too. But it's now every afternoon when he gets in the car. I know how to get him talking is to talk about the lunchtime soccer game. But he talks about it. What I'm getting out is he talks about it with so much passion and so in depth that

I feel like it's its own league. Like they've got lunchtime transfers. They've got half time of lunchtime. Cheerleaders? They've got a whistle. I'll ask him this afternoon when I pick him up. I'll be like, who are the cheerleaders? Like, Macy.

But like, you're like me. Sign them up to a club. He's going to play this year. Who's you playing for? Narrabeen. Narrabeen, what's the, what's the animal? I don't know yet. What was your childhoods?

Ten more kingfishes. Wow. But I remember at school, my primary school, do you remember Bull Rush? Yeah, yeah. So we would play that and it got so serious. I remember when the youngest brother, Tom, was born. I can't believe this was an option. Who's born during a bull rush game?

Well, there was a big game of Bull Rush coming up. I can't remember the details, but I had to be there. I was doing quite well. And I wanted to be there on this Friday because it was like the last game of the week. And it was also the same day that we're all going in to meet Tom. Oh, fucking Tom. And my dad was like, do you want to come? And I was like, no.

And I didn't go. I stayed to play Bull Rush. At lunchtime, I was the only family member not to be there because I wanted to be there for the Bull Rush. It meant that much to you. Fair. I think that's fair. And my dad was like, he'll be there for ages. You can see him after.

Right? Yeah, I think that's fine. So it was the Kingfisher's, was it? This is Camelaw, Kingfish is my soccer team. I got sent a memory. A core memory, some would say. First of all, spot me and then spot what the team's called. Look at the head of hair.

Wow. What a helmet. Yeah, right. It does look. It looks like a Lego helmet. The under eight, what? Oh, the hot shots. Yeah.

That's Oscar's face when I showed him that. He was like, you were the hot shots. There are so many bowl cuts in this. The legacy. The legacy, the Narrabeen hot shot. You were your goalie. Just like Oscar. Yeah, but I was actually more of a.

I was a center midfielder when I got to my non-semiprofessional career. Anyway, so the Narrabeen Hot Shots. Thinking about bringing it back. You're a handsome young man. Thank you. That I really peaked in the hype department there. Yeah, you're a big boy. Now I'm Shaw King.

Below average. And the hot shots. Who? Not short. Five, ten. Yeah, he's not tall. Matt's six one and a half. But that's what people who are six foot say.

Yeah, it's his hair. It's his side-cho bob hair. See, he can dish it out when you, he's, he's. He looks to help me. He's looking for help. Okay. Okay. No, no, you've got great hair.

Actually, you've got hair that I would love to have. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Let's move on. I was at the movies on the weekend, Ash. Yeah. And, you know, I feel like I'm a very patient man.

I'm very patient. Yeah, I would say you are very patient. I'm also, I think I... That's what makes this work. I'm impatient. I'm very patient. You're the ying to my... Get on with it!

Oh, do you know I yell that out during a wedding? once. Anyway. Oh, God, fuck. Here he is. Go, go on. When I see kids having fun, if they're making a bit of noise, normally my approach is just to allow them to just be kids. Kids, be kids.

If, you know, if people are having fun, no one's being hurt. I'm like, that's great. But I went to a movie on the weekend with Miley and Lola and Laura. What movie? So the goat. I thought it was a documentary at first. I was very confused. Laura was like, get four tickets for the goat.

And I was like, Stephen Curry, the kids? also trying to get out of the movie and get a massage. Oh my God. When the movie started, I was like, I was like, hey, babe. Is it dark enough to leave? Yeah. Wow. I didn't.

Did you ask? Yeah. What did she say? Well, she was like, if you want to go. Oh, yeah, that's it. I was like, that's a no. I can't believe you had the balls to ask. Well, Laura's-

Someone's got to do it. She's happy to sit there for the movie. Yeah, there's no point both you being there. The kids are fine, right? The kids are watching the movie. It's just if they get out of control and you're getting a massage and then she comes out, she's disheveled. I know, and I come out being all relaxed and oiled up.

Yeah. No. The kids can't even get hold of you because you're so oiled up. But, dude, the kids, I was so close to being like, shut up in here. Everyone was so noisy. Oh, yeah. Kids, and there's some teenage kids as well that were like yelling and throwing food. Well, that's not on.

Not on at all. Can I just show you a video? Oh, you've got a video. Just to give a real indication. Be mindful. This is coming from the guy who at an award show yelled, fuck you, Tony and Ryan, at the top of his lungs. This is the level of chaos that was caused by the kids.

Look at this cinema and tell me if you think this is acceptable. Okay. Also, filming a movie that's in the movies is illegal. Thank you. Oh, my God. No, that's not a movie. That's chaos. Holy, they're playing ball right.

Gosh. Man, that kid manhandled. Have you seen that? It's Fight Club. That's Fight Club. He levels that kid. In the back. Yeah, yeah, he wasn't even looking.

That's a dog shot. If you are listening to this, we will put that video on the YouTube. But essentially it's, you know, the base of the movie theater where it's like floor. Yeah. Is just like a prison yard. It's a prison yard. That's what that looks like. They're in yard time.

It's like kill or be killed. Yeah. And Marley and Lola were like, we're going in. And I was like, good luck. I love you, no matter what happens. He's putting money on them. And I was like, where the fuck are all these parents getting massages? Fuck.

Yeah, I haven't had it that bad, but that's bad. Couldn't enjoy the... And it's not cheap. It's not cheap. That's not on. Thank you. Control your children. Control the kids.

But also, I'm not judging you. Are they dropping and running? They must be. I don't know. I don't think the movies is a drop-and-go situation. Yeah, have movies changed? Did I miss the memo? Yeah, is it G?

It's like, yeah, go on and leave your kids. It was like every parent was just like, do you know what? I've fucking had enough of trying to tell these kids what to do. They're heavy doors. They can't get out. He's pushing me and shut the door. It's soundproof too. Yeah.

Well, all the parents, they should put an announcement in saying, if you're an adult right now. You're in charge. You have a free chance to get out of this cinema. Well, when I was coming into the movie, they gave me nunchucks. And I was like, what are these for? And they were like, good luck. Good luck at that. Here's a helmet.

What for? You'll find out. Oh, man. That's brutal. Fucking kids these days, man. Just control your kids. Thank you. A little bit.

Not entirely. No, entirely. To have a bit of fun. But was that at the start of the movie, too? That looked like. That was midway through. Okay. It was building.

It was building. It built on beyond that? Yeah. Have you seen, when they turn the light time? Have you ever seen it, the movie theater after? Oh, it's a brothel. It's... No, that I've been to one.

I don't know what the entire one. Oh, that's what I would assume they would look like. Okay, moving on. Man, I think it's time we go to a segment. All right. Whoa, I want to be freer to say what. Man, I feel like a parent. Hey! This is Perrant.

Been a while since I've heard that song. Yeah, so this is where parents write in, they get something off their chest, and we read it out. We need a copyright parent, by the way. Add it to the list. Yeah, and it to the list. list, a list of things we need to copyright. Just comes off the dome. No one can come up with this sort of innovation.

Yeah, you, pair rounds your work, isn't it? It's a classic. That's a classic. It's a classic. Just came to me. Some of your best. Thank you. This one's from Amy.

You can write in through Facebook, through DMs, or you can email us at hello at 290s.com. Not A.u. Not A.u. Well said. Thank you. This is from Amy. Why the fuck? Does my child wake up every night weeping and demanding a bandaid for an outchie?

for an ouchy that doesn't exist. I cannot put a band-aid on your toe or face without evidence, homie. I don't know if you're going through this. Lola, at least every second night wakes up and she's like, it's growing pains. I'm like, what is it? Where is it? Last night it was her head.

I was like, headache? She was like, no, no, no, here. Earache? No, no, here. Your jaw? What the fuck are you been doing? What's a bang I going to do for that? Well, she doesn't want a band-aid, but she was a headache.

She was just like, it hurts. You're just in pain, Matthew. Yeah, and I'm like, I'm trying to understand. And then I, and all, I hop into bed and she's like, gotcha. Yeah. Gotcha. You fucking idiot. I know.

I know. I know. And you know what? I was, I was in the Band-Aid aisle the other day. And I noticed there is a lot, a lot of Band-Aids with characters on that marketing. It's like one of them figured it out and they all went. There needs to be a Sleep Time Band-Aid. Like a low tack.

Yeah, because Macy can't wear it to sleep. She gets a rash. Yeah. And then she wants a band-aid for the rash. It's a vicious cycle. She's about to lose a limb. Yeah, she's like a heroin addict. Yeah, all from them.

Wadsby. But, I don't know. Honestly, I don't know, but I think marketing departments at these businesses aren't helping the cause. They're not helping at all. They're like, I want a peep a pig band-aid. Like, peep as a bitch. Stupid pig? I've got another one here, Ashton.

From Danielle, shout out to Danielle. What is it with Glad Rap? Nothing about it makes me glad. My husband pointed out, hang on, hang on, way there, pointed out that it's called cling wrap, but it doesn't cling. It is literally a waste of plastic with false advertisement, yet we continue to still buy it. I feel like this hotline has become like a people testing their material out.

Why is it glad? I'm not glad. What's the deal? It doesn't even cling. And I'm not glad. And it doesn't cling. I personally, I love Gladrap. I'll work at Food Works once.

I can cling rack the shit out of anything. I also feel like I'm quite good. Yeah. It's all about tension. Yes. Tension. See, cling only works. If it's soft, it's not good.

Just quickly, if you're doing a sandwich, do you go cling wrap first, sandwich on top? Or do you go sandwiched on the bench top and then cling film over the top? I go, what I'll do is I'll get a nice piece of cling wrap. Yeah. on the board yeah love that sandwich on yeah fold it sides and flip flip yeah rest of the sides oh shit that is secure that sandwich ain't going nowhere nowhere but my nana has put a foot down it doesn't allow cling wrap because she's like we have to save the planet oh okay so one role of cling right every six months is going to save the planet ellie apparently so i sometimes

i'll buy it it's my guilty pleasure so what does she wrap it in now we have type of where something for the environment, like, rubbish. I couldn't think that. Alfoil, because it's so much better. Good one, Ash. Thank you. Yeah, look, what about paper bags? I mean, we're cutting down trees.

It's not that bad. You've got me. But I'm sorry, Danielle, to disagree with you on your pair round. I mean, your pair round is valid. I like it. I like the Klingf film, the bad rap. Whatever it's called. Yeah, it is Andy.

And I want more of it. Ash. Yes. We have a little cheeky Dota dilemma that has been sent through from Gabrielle. Hi, Gabrielle. Who emailed in. On hello at two different. Great use of that email.

I'm glad it's getting some kind of... I don't have access to it. It's probably a good thing. Well, I think... Not that I'd read them anyway. The renewal's almost up and I was like, do I pay for it again? Well, Gabrielle... But Gabrielle...

You were the lifeline that this email needed. Yeah. Don't forget the song. Oh, fuck. Hang on a second. Here's a jingle. Hang on. Listen to this

Now you need us more than ever Know that we still have each other You can send us your doting dilemma You can send us your dotting dilemma Ella And for anyone wanting us to change that jingle Shub it Okay

So Gabrielle says A question for you both A bit strange Ready for this one Ash Oh my God But I'm interested to hear your take At what age Do you think it's no longer appropriate

for a kid to see their parent naked, i.e. getting changed, showing a shower. And do you think it differs if your child is the same opposite sex? So like, mum with a son, dad with the daughter. Opposite sex. Like, you are a male. Macy. Don't you dare gender me. Sorry.

Look, I get it. This is a red hot question. Should we be answering it? Probably not. Are we qualified to? No, but we got it anyway. Look, for me, too bad. It's my house.

I pay the bills. You will see my dick and balls if you're in the same room. Okay. If I come out of the shower and you're in my bedroom. Hey, well, if I'm not walking into their room and taking my clothes off. There's the first. Just want to clear that right up. What I want to do, though, is say, waking up Oscar, get out of bed. Yeah. I lived with an Italian family in my early 20s on the floor of their computer room because I'm a battler. And their dad used to wake me up with no pants on every day. Legit. Yeah. They wanted you as a computer for God knows.

what. Tony, I'm talking about you, Tony. Where would you go? I just have to get out of there, otherwise I'd have to watch. Watch at the corner. God, like a cuck chair situation. But if I come out of my shower in my onsuit

and there's a child in my room, too fucking bad, if you ask me. I also don't want them to think, like, there's nothing to be ashamed about with the human body. So I think, I don't have an answer for the age. I think... I think it's when you start to follow

like body language and cues. from your child, you know, like, if they're like, ah, you'd be like, okay, cool. Get out of my room, though. I'm not naked anywhere else in the house. Why are you here? Get out. I'm trying to remember when I stopped seeing my mom naked.

It's funny how it goes full circle, though, because now my mom lives with us and... Now you see it. She has showers at random hours of the day, and sometimes I'm like, hey, Ellie! And she's like, butt naked and I don't care. It's a beautiful thing. So there's no...

It's like, 37? 37 years of age. She's 74. I'm 38. And she's like, fuck off. And I'm like, I don't worry about it. Get us a look. Well, I had a look online.

Apparently, they say from like the age of like six to eight is when you should be more aware of like seeing if your child is uncomfortable when you're naked around them. Okay. Yeah. That sounds, can we go with that? But I said to Marley, I was like, do I make you feel uncomfortable? And she was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I was like being naked

And she was like, what? It was, I was like, this is it. Laura, Laura was like an inappropriate conversation. Yeah, Laura was like, what are you saying? And I was like, I was trying to be a good parent. Macy just points and laughs at mine. I guess it's time. It's time to rug up.

If it's in my space, you've walked in on that. Yes. If I'm in your space naked, what am I doing there? You know? What about if you don't have an onsuit? I don't want to know what the poor people are doing, V. You got to walk from your bedroom to the bathroom Oh, put it fucking towel on

The neighbours see me naked more than my kids Let's put that way Yeah Okay, remember the traiti's on the roof Got to see my shitty arsehole It's hard because I'm trying to teach my kids You know, that's your private part You know, you don't want to be showing that

Around the place And my kids are like, Dad, look at this Oh yeah Bent over trying to put the butt in my face And I'm like, that's not funny, come on. And I think it's hilarious. Try having a boy in the house, bro. He won't take his hand off his dick.

Really? I'm like, go to your room and do that. What is he doing? Just comfort. What, he just holds it? I don't know what he's doing with it. Like, is he's just holding it? No, he's just holding onto it. Like, he's going to lose it.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. Boys do that? Yeah. I think it's just a comfort thing. Really? And I've got to be like...

I mean, I've been holding my dick half this record, but... Are you comfortable? Very comfortable. I was doing his job then. I came twice. Too far. The difference between comfortable and come for... Moving on, I think, I don't have an answer for that.

You know, we will bring Jen back. We will, yeah. Jen, you are, beloved, behavioral expert. There's got to be a way around those conversations that obviously we don't know the answer to, which is clear. That was a confusing sentence for everybody. I just, I don't understand it. Just, well, wait, boys. Well, said.

Thank you. Well, said, hey, there has been. Gabrie, I was like, I fuck, I got nothing out of that. What were you in? expecting. I am dumber now. Yeah, she's like, oh God. I'm going back to the mum podcast. This is fucking ridiculous. We try our best. Maybe we can listen to the mum's talking about it and then just regurg whatever they say

because they clearly know more than us. Before we go, I think there has been, I want to say close to 100 reviews. A hundred? Like. I think you're being ambitious. Oh, no, no, no, no. They are coming through thick and fast. It is a steady stream of reviews. This episode is just nothing but like naked, piss,

and shit. To those people who have reviewed, thank you so much. You have no idea how much I needed that. I've got your hand on you dick. But you can also find us on social media. Two-doting dads, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook. I have a new request.

Oh, God, what are you going to be? I have a new request. That request for reviews will always be there. We also have a holiday rental. I'm really happy I was over that Oh no, look at him Look at him

Alright, so you guys light up No, let me just say If you have enjoyed this episode And you have someone in your circle Who is also a parent, a non-parent Here we get, Ficks on board This episode What does ever do with Vic?

No, I just like I said yes Oh, oh, okay, I didn't hear that Send in this episode Or any episode that you've enjoyed And bring them into the ecosystem of two dirtying dads. Where we all walk around naked.

Yes. That reminds me, that commune. I need to rent that land. Out in the Byron Bay, hinterland. Yeah. Naked retreat. Any, what I'm trying to say is, send it to a friend.

Oh, darn it. Whatever. And just shut it. I knew that would get you gone. Go again. I'm done. I'm finished. Okay.

Goodbye. Okay. We'll see you guys next week. You said bye like four times. Okay, bye. You should one of those. Bye. See you later.

All right. All right. Take care. See you soon. Chaff it out. Two Doting Dad's podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and the connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal

and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.