Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #214 Farts, Lies & Questionable Lyrics

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

The boys let loose this week with a few fun facts about farts and let's just say their wives won't be happy about them. Plus Ash is dealing with a bad habit that Oscar has picked up from school. While Matty's been belting out a tune with very questionable lyrics to keep baby Poppy happy.  And the boys discuss how much we should be spending on birthday presents that got the whole podcast team up in arms! If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I want to start this episode off with a really, really, really sad and upsetting story. So I don't know if you want to start the air because you know how you win to me all the time. Because you're always like, I've got a really quick story. And then you're like, Chapter 17. This is quick, but it might have a side quest. Good way through. Just be safe. Welcome back to Two Doting Dads.

I am Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast, all about parenting. It is the good. It is the bad. And the relatable. And no advice. We'll ever be given.

Yes. Hit me. As you know, not drinking. I am. have filled that void with food. A lot of Uber eats. I'm the best customer. Would you ever look at how much you spend per year on the app?

It's dangerous, right? Look, this year so far. It'd be like the casino going, do you want to see how much money you've put into the slot machines? I looked at, I didn't see the dollar amount, but I've seen the amount of orders. Do you want to just know that really quick? Yes.

When I looked at, it was 68 this year. That's pathetic. That's amateur numbers. What do you mean? How many days have there been this year? How many weeks? What do we? March. Three months.

Three times four is 12. 12 weeks. That's like every, there's 20 days of the year that I, so far that I haven't had Uber Eats with dinner. What's Matt's number? Yeah, what's yours? Don't even fucking.

Anyway, that's not a story. Sorry. The story is related to that. Side quest. See, I told you there'd be a side quest a long way. I was recently in Melbourne and I ordered Uber Eats for dessert. Because in the mini bar at this hotel that I was put up in. No chocolate.

Nothing good. Like, if there's not a dairy milk in a fridge in a hotel, Throw the fuck. What's the point of having the fridge? I think you shouldn't underestimate how good just a plain old dairy milk is. Especially when there's no kid going, give me some. You're on your own, nice piece and quiet, a nice piece of jail. They just had like two, just what's the point of having the fridge, you ask me?

So I ordered. What did you get? I ordered from like a Coles Expressway. I can't remember what it was. I wanted ice cream. I was like, I don't want some ice cream. So I looked and they had on sale, they had like the band jerrys, which they're little tubs. It's not enough for Big Daddy over here.

And I was like, okay, well, I need more than that. And then I saw they had the on special like a blue ribbon or something like that. It was just a leader. And I was like, I'm here for three nights. And I can put it right in the back of the freezer bit of the of the fridge. There was a freeze bit. That was my next question. Yeah, there was.

I thought you were going to have to like burn through this in one sitting. I wish. But like it was not like a proper freezer. Can I just, are you chewing gum? Sorry. Wow. Three, three years. Swallowed it.

Oh. That's my commitment to you. That's a myth. That's never coming out. If that's true, I'm just full of chew. I'm just, you know, they say you're like 90% water? The other 10% of me is chewing gum. Extra.

It's just extra. Not a sponsor. Not a sponsor. And I was like, okay, put it in the free. But it's not a full freeze, as you know. But I thought it'll keep it at a nice temperature that it'll still be edible. And it came. And unfortunately, it was already melted.

So I had not, I couldn't do anything. It was, and have you ever had, you know, an ice cream's like a nice melted and you're like, like at the bottom of a bowl? And it's like, lovely. Love that. No. It was like, so. sludgy vanilla sludge. Well, hang it, did you complain?

No, I just had to tip it out and move on with my... I told you it was going to be a tragic story. Wow. I was so sad. So wait, did you have... Both were gone? No, I... Did you get...

Sorry, can I just confirm, was it the white ribbon? White ribbon? Or was it the Beningerie's? No, I only got the white ribbon because I thought I'm going to be for a couple of days. I can just ration it. And you didn't get the Benigeries. I didn't get it because I thought I'll get the bigger one. Savvy was on sale.

and it turned up and it was fully melted already. So I couldn't salvage it. So I got no ice cream. That is a sad story. Very sad story. That's the life I live right now. I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. You've been holding on to that story as well for a long time.

I just remembered it. So what did you just go to bed? I went to bed sad. I'm still sad. You jerked off, didn't you? Yeah. I poured it down the sink and I thought. You didn't drink it?

No, it was past nice melted. How does it get? Because they take it out of the freezer. Something's happened. Someone's put it on the shelf or where they got it from, I reckon. They're like, just get him on from the shelf. Oh, it just, ugh. Told you be long.

If I was you, I want you to do this. You love complaining on it, but it's. No, I think, it's like if you order a coffee and it's half spilt, you are deserving. Yeah, but it's there. Who? The thing is. It's a melted ice cream. Yeah, but it's in the, you deserve more than that.

I was in a suburb. I don't know. Okay. I was outnumbered. By who? The people They'll turn on me They will

I don't know I didn't know Who to complain to You check out of the hotel And they're like That's the guy The ice cream guy Get him

I didn't know Who would be at fault I don't want to accuse The wrong person That's just mean You mean the delivery driver Yeah I don't know He might have been really quick

But the guy at the shop Was slow I don't know Look not to make this A very sad episode But I have some sad New Oh God

Yes So Rhonda, for people who are joining us, she is my neighbour. The general. The general. She, at times, was a little bit tricky to live next to. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I'm not going to pretend like it was, you know, one big happy relationship, rainbows and butterflies.

We had our moments. Yes, they were happier times. But for the most part, ripped a Band-Aid off, Matthew. She's passed away. Happened last week on Wednesday. I'm going to miss her staring at me entering your house. It is so strange.

now every time I put something in the bin, she had her front window and she would always be standing there and I'd glance up and she'd just be there. She's just looking at me. And I now, like last night, I put something in the bin, I look up and I just expect to see her standing there. When I see you again.

Whoa. Anyway. That's a moment for Rhonda. There it is. So shout out to my neighbor who messaged me and was like, hey, I think we should check on Rhonda, her blind. is normally up always in the beginning of the day and it's not it's been down for a couple of days now and also I put her bins out I'm not a hero not a hero but I will say that

it depends out every Monday and a couple of times I've forgotten got to three o'clock in the afternoon she's got a bad hip but she would go oh Matt's not going to do it I will do it and then I got home on that Monday at six o'clock and a bin wasn't out and I thought oh that's bit weird Rhonda would have put it out by now but I was jumping into a record of another podcast, sorry. Adi. And I said, I think you should do the welfare check. Finish the record.

Tell my phone on was the message she's passed away. It's very sad. No family, no friends, no one. The police were like... She had Maddie Jha. She had me, but I wasn't there. So they go to my neighbor, you've got to come and identify the body. And my neighbor's there with her kids going, I don't know if I'm in a position to do that.

Send your kid in there. And they were like, well, you got to. And she was like... That's not not. What do you mean? I got to. I have rights. Well, I was like, surely she would have had the glyc.

I know, something. You don't have to just drag in the neighbor to look at the dead body, which is quite traumatic. Yeah. Yeah. But she was like, okay, let me just put something on the TV for the kids. Went next door and I was like, yeah, that's Rhonda. Oh. Yeah.

And the cop was like, this is my first dead body. And she was like, what the fuck? They all lost their virginity all in one foul swoop. Thanks, Rhonda. I know. And I came home. And I was like, sorry about that. I just dodged it all.

Nana was like, I would have done it. Nana's ruthless, though. She's like, is it still cold? We shouldn't laugh. How was the, are you allowed to tell you how she died and what the circumstances were? The good thing is she didn't fall. It wasn't as if she'd taken a tumble and she couldn't, you know, reach the phone and get help. Apparently when you were about to pass, I don't know if they just say this to make it seem.

traumatic. But when you're about to pass, your body instinctively wants to go to the bathroom. So she in the middle of the night got up on the toilet and then went on the toilet. So she was still sitting up in a nighty. So it was, it was like a pleasant way to go. She's dead on the toilet. She was sitting on the toilet. Yeah. She was still there. Leaning against the wall. Yeah. So it wasn't a traumatic way to go. And she did say, I remember, she said to Laura, I was born in this house. I would like to pass in this house. So she got a wish. Wow. You got a wish.

And now we're trying to, so we're trying to hunt down, apparently there's a cousin. Trying to hunt down the cousin. No one knows who this cousin is because she was very much person who kept to herself. And I had a neighbor up the road who's a lot older. And I thought she might know who the cousin is. And so I said, excuse me, just really quickly. Do you know Rhonda's cousin? And she's like, what's happened to Rhonda?

And as I was about to say, Marley and Lola come down. And I was there going like, you know, like wink, wink, wink, wink. She's fine. And she goes, something's happened to Ronda, hasn't it? And I was like, what? Oh, God. And then Marley and Lola were like, what's happened to Ronda? And in the moment, I didn't want to say, well, she's passed.

I said she's moved. She's dead on the toilet. There he is. Ashwicks. Suttled as a sledgehammer. I said she's moved house. And Marley was like, oh my God. She's moved house and she didn't tell us.

And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, Marley, you haven't seen her for like a year. And she was like, I can't believe. She was always so kind. Did she yell at Marley last time? Yeah, I was like, she threw a shoe at you, Marley. For climbing the tree in the back down. She's silly.

That's how her relationship, that rascal. And then for a few days, I kept the lie of she moved house going until this morning, I said, Hey, kids, she's up in heaven. And Marley was like, oh. I was like. Much other than her move? Yeah, I was like, I can't. If I can't enjoy her, no one can.

Wow. Oh, poor Rhonda. Let me ask you this, though. Before you do go, you instinctively, your body wants to evacuate. This is what the coroner said. Okay. They are educated to be coronas, aren't they? You can't just be like, I'm a coroner.

I think you do have to do some level of study. Let's hope so. To be a coroner. Yeah. Is it the people that couldn't quite work on alive bodies? Okay. I don't know how many coroners listened to this episode, this podcast, but... Were they rural?

No. Let me ask you this. Goal. Would you much rather evacuate? your boughs then die or die and then evacuate your vows. I would honestly, I feel like I would be embarrassed. I would want to go to the toilet before I died. I don't want like April walk.

Well, you talked about Macy having a poo that was in the toilet for three days. I don't, you know, I would hope that I don't go because I don't want people to go like, oh, there's Matt. Oh, it stinks. Yeah. I don't want to be like, April, be like, hey, babe, walk in. I'm on the sim rig and I've shit myself and died. Yeah.

That's way worse. She'll give her the ick. I think, yeah. She's like, oh, cut. She's just like, oh, I can't believe I married this man. Oh, my God. I can't have to have kids. That's just what happens, though.

Kids, that's not your real father. Okay? So, Toronto. This episode is dedicated to Rhonda. Oh, wow. The whole app. The whole app. Yeah, that's fair.

Death calls for a whole app. What do you got for me? You were spotted in the wild recently. A soccer? You did attend a soccer game. And then someone said to me, they just sent me a message with no context. And it said, hey, are you? you at the Matilda's too.

I was like, fuck. And then I remember that you were there. Yeah? I was like, no, no, I'm at home. And then I just get a photo. I was like, oh, there's a photo. So someone sent me a photo of you. I've been papped.

You really reduced your comedy down to just photo bombing people. Oh my gosh. They're like, let's get a nice selfie. Matt's like, not on my one. No, because it was like right after the national anthem, And there's a couple in front of me at the football. I was, like, admiring, you know, like the presentation of the teams and the trophy. You look disappointed.

And then next second, I realized that the couple in front of me are taking a selfie. And I perfectly fit into the gap between them. I'm sitting behind them. And then the next photo, I realize, and I leap out of the way. Oh, I want to see the next one. I just got that one. What about the fools that? Just getting that from a random.

That's good gear. I got that at like 7 a.m. in the morning. Shout out to the Matildas. Yeah, that was great. Shout out to the Matildas. Anyway, that's it. Are we in housekeeping? We are in housekeeping.

Do you celebrate at your school on the northern beaches? Harmony Day. Yeah, there's like where you wear a touch of orange. That's a very simple rule. What do you got? Well, Harmony Day for us was the least harmonious day for the parents. We were freaking the fuck out. Well said.

We had multiple people panicking in the group chat for the kids. the parents being like, what day is it? Like, Friday, people were like, I'm just going to send my child with orange in the backpack, just in case. And people were like, it's Monday. Monday is Harmony Day. Ours was Thursday. Why was yours Thursday? I don't know. I feel like it's all made up.

Us was Wednesday. Yours is Wednesday? Okay, we need an investigation. We need to get aligned on this because parents were like, on a Sunday. It's book week all over again. And they were like, what colors do we wear? And people were like, orange. And then someone's like, you can also wear yellow. People are like, is purple included? No, Bethany. It's

Not. It's orange or yellow. There is nothing harmonious about purple. Get her out of the group chat immediately. Why are we being so stringent with the rules of what colors to wear in Harmony Day? Why don't we just say any color? People just need to relax. And then a kid was wearing black and he was being

escorted out of his funeral? He's like, I'm going to run this funeral after this. Shut up, Timmy. Oh, God. It was, the fucking, there must have been 50 messages in the group chat about what colors are you allowed to wear and not allowed to wear in Harmony Day.

I thought it was just orange. But then we didn't have any. Tell me, find me a parent that has orange in the fucking wardrobe. Macy has a... She's blue or pink. Well, that's the thing, right? That's the thing, right? There's no effort in blue or pink.

There's effort in orange. Why are we making parents go into more effort? Why are we making life... To show that we care about the harmony of this world, Matthew? We care by giving fucking money. That's the caring. You get your money. That's for the charity.

Don't fucking make us jump through hoot. Wait, you gave him money? We had to give a gold coin. Okay. That's lovely. Thank you. That's a nice sentiment. How much do we give?

What color can the coin be? $10, $5? Does it have to be gold? What about two silvers? Two silvers make it gold? I don't know. It's a minefield. We're all intelligent people, but the most simple little tasks in days.

Just a chain reaction of panic amongst the parents. Oh, yeah. It's like book week. It's a book day. Book week. book month? What is it? And then someone was like, last minute, they're like, don't forget the assembly, which is today. They're singing the harmony song. And I was like, well, what? And I was like, Marley, have you been learning a song? And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, don't know if you're

lying or not. She's always singing something. Yeah, yeah. I just opt out of the group chat. Well, Laura's going to school at 2.30 for this assembly. Today. I'm like, it's not in the newsletter. And I didn't want a message in the group chat, be like, is there an assembly? But Laura's like, all right, I'm going to the assembly at 2.30. Just said a win and a win. Well, because Marley said she's learned a song for assembly. Oh, I want an update on this. She'd just be Marley singing. But then when you have assembly on Harmony Day on the Monday?

Why are we splitting it? I don't know. There's a board out the front of our school that has like what's happening. It's been on there for weeks. Would you call it a notice board? Is that a thing? It's a light up. Oh, it's got lights.

Yeah. Oh, must be nice. Wow. There's a casino in the school. But it said Harmony Day for weeks. I think they're just milking it. They're like, we just put this on the board and people give us money. Let's do this every day.

Yeah. I don't know. But they're also the fucking poor kids. What do you mean? Poor kids who rock up. There's one parent as I was getting off the bike to get the girls into school. And the parent looked at me shocked. And then I looked down and her daughter is wearing a school uniform.

And her daughter's like in panic as well. In panic mode. And Marley and Lola are like, what's wrong? Why are you wearing the uniform? And then the parent was like, oh, it's okay. I'm sure there's heaps of clothes in there that you'll be able to fine and put on. And I was like,

ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. I know, so Oscar had a muffty day, right? Which, if you don't know what a mufty day is, we,

we, whatever you want, with a gold coin donation for charity. And it was Oscar's first one. And I was like, hey, I'm going to put a school uniform in your bag in case you want it.

And he was like, you're not allowed. And I was like, what do you mean? What do you mean? I was like, you know I don't like when people tell me what to do. So I'm going to put two uniforms in your bag.

now. He's like, oh fuck. You're not allowed. It's muffty. I was like, but just in case. You just in case, don't do it. You get me in trouble. I'm like, you fucking, yeah, okay, whatever. What? Who was speaking to Oscar? I don't know, man. I don't know where he was getting. Probably from that light up board. The light up board. You will die.

You will die. You will die if you bring uniform in. Those are the uniform will sin. I put it in there because I, I put it in there. But why did you put it in there? I put it in there because I don't trust him. I'm like, I don't know what to believe with you, boy. Have some faith in your child. I know, like, it's hard. He's like a liar.

I'll get to that shortly. But he didn't want him to get there and just by chance, his mates are in school uniform or whatever, and then he feels left out that he's got a school shirt. That's a very considerate approach from you. I was being considerate and I got met with, that's a crime. You're going to jail for this.

Fucking idiots. Anyway. Idiots. Can I just quickly wish my wife? What's not yet her birthday? No, it will be. Sorry. Jesus.

What's the date of, oh, I do know. It's March 26. There he is. There he is. Thank you. There is. Laura has turned 40.

She's the big four zero. Very hard to buy for my wife. 1986. Wow. You know what she did? She looks great. People are calling me in a panic. Like friends, family,

she looks great. Sorry. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. She does look great. Carry on. Also, I hope she doesn't mind me saying this. She's like, I can finally treat myself to some Botox.

So she's, is that an allowed Vic? She's never had Botox? No, no, she's had, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. She's got an at-home kit. I think you're because she's been breastfeeding. You need breastfeeding? She's no longer breastfeeding.

She's getting injected into her boobs. What? No, you can't put chemicals into your body when you're breastfeeding. Come on now. Come on now, that's that's marketing. Moving on, go, come on. I'm a conspiracy theorist now. Yeah, Laura does look great.

I will say that. She looks fantastic. You don't need it. But people don't know what to buy for Laura. She has a very particular taste. And also, out of nowhere, she was like, I got myself an aura ring. And I was like, well, firstly, those things are fucking there or fake. Well, way to delete your aura straight away, bro.

Oh, my God. I took the back. But I was like, I could have bought that for you for your present. And she's like, oh, I just bought it. And I was like, your birthday isn't a, fucking week. I do that all the time. Like, you're pointing in now. Your birthday is seconds away and you want something. Fucking tell your friends and tell me what you want and I'll buy it for you. I'm a shocker for that. April's always like, I can never buy you anything because you've

already bought it. Yeah. I'm like, oh, how did we're like a trip with her? Because also, like we're adults. Like, what adult is like, oh, I can't wait to get my toy car. Like, we want something. We're just sorry, that was not a dig at you, Ash. Wow. Fuck you. Okay. All right. Now I feel a bit better. Say fuck you. Go. Yeah, but buy the toy car, Laura. And then I feel like people are going to be like, what are you getting Laura? I've got a day planned. Ooh, do tell.

Just like, we'll go to the gym and then we'll, oh God. Terrible Laura from out of you. No, that's what she wants. Maybe you need a Nora ring. She never has time to go to the gym. We never have time to go together. And then we go like, go for some of icebergs. They go have a nice lunch.

That's lovely. Thank you. Thank you. That's what we have planned on the third. I think that's pretty good. I did accidentally book in work on that third. day that I've had to like, I've also got a fucking haircut book to you, which I need to cancel. Okay.

Is it your birthday or hers, bro? Seriously, you just treating yourself to work in a haircut. You love that stuff. So happy birthday, Laura. Yes, happy birthday, Laura. Will we ever get out of housekeeping in this episode? I don't know. Let's get out right now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We've had this sitting there. Okay, can I just really quickly from Anna. She says, hey, guys, love the podcast and have been listening from the star. Thank you, Anna. Ash's recent talk about dinosaurs reminded me of when my son was only a few years old and had trouble saying one of the species' names incorrectly, take a listen to this. What's it called?

Dickless dinosaur. Dickless dinosaur! Not a dickless dinosaur. It's a dickless dinosaur. I love that. They're extinct. Her face. She's like, what?

What? It's a dickless dinosaur. That's good gear. That's one of the things. things are that when she does finally say it correctly, you'll be like, oh. Yeah, you'll miss it. You'll miss it. Yeah, it's like, Macy with her L's. She's like, oh, I'm just going to have a sweep. Sleep. I can't. I'm like, oh, God, when she starts pronouncing L's, you're like, it's all over. I know, we go, like Lego. Oh, God, it's the best. I'm going to miss that. Anyway, but that's good.

Look, honestly, dinosaurs are hard to pronounce. Diplodocus. You know when they do concussion tests and they're like, where are you? They should just go pronounce this dinosaur. Yeah, if you can say, He's fine, put him back on the field. Yeah, exactly right. Vic. Yeah, we have some breaking news. Lovely comments, Vic, about the newsread of voice. Yeah, we should get a jingle.

We should do like a... Do da-da-da-da-da-la-da-da-la-la-da-da-da-da-da. I think that's already taken by ABC. Not that version. Can I ask Vic, how long does it take you to find these breaking news articles? This one came across my desk, my news desk. And it was one of those headlines you can't unsee. So I thought, hmm, this is a...

a good one for the boys. Great, great, great. Also, I love how she's already slipping. She's getting a big head because of all the compliments. I was like, hey, down the bag. Definitely not. I love it. I think Ashley's going to enjoy this one.

What's that supposed to mean? You'll see. Women's farts smell worse than men's, according to a new scientific study. Not louder, not more frequent, just stronger. In the study, men produced more volume, but women's gas contained a significantly higher concentration of hydrogen sulfide, the compound behind the classic rotten egg smell. But they found the hydrogen sulfide was also linked to higher brain signaling.

So a smellier fart could just be the body's way of helping the brain. April has some strong farts. I love that that was the word that was used. It was like, yes, they don't, they're stronger. I don't want to throw Laura under the bus. She farted a lot when she was pregnant. Wow. Remember when we talked about her

admit the silent fart being a hot sigh? Oh. Oh. I do think mine smell. Laura farts more often, but hers don't smell. I have the opposite in our family where I think

the more you hold it, the more it stinks. So when April does let one out, it's festered. Oh, God. Sorry, babe, I'm so sorry, but you stink. Did she do it in front of you? It's always an accident.

mine are very intentional. Loud and proud. I push. Do you fart in front of your husband, Vic? Yes. I'm never going to be able to look at you the same ever again. I know. And then who would you say has a smelly fart?

Actually, I did a poll because I knew this story was coming up. So I brought it up at the dinner table last night. And I was like... Were the kids? Yeah. Okay. And I was like... Poll?

Who do you think has the smelly of fats, mummy or daddy? And they were both like, oh my God, this is the funniest thing we've ever spoken about at the table. They're like, this is good game. And they said daddy. But I think because they love me so much that they're like, fuck him. But Dan would 100% say minor worse. Yeah, yeah.

I think, honestly, I think women stink way more. But fun fact, in my research, humans pass gas up to 23 times a day. That's amateur numbers. At what age do you just not have any contract? Because I remember my grandmother makes she rest in peace years ago. She'd just be walking past and just drop one. Oh, no, no. And not even fucking register it happened.

Do you not know? Or are you just like, fuck it. I'll live long enough now. I'm not, yeah, whatever. They know. Is the brain signal is too slow. Like by the time they're like, oh, the fart's coming. I'm already standing there looking at my mom being like, what the fuck was that?

And she's like, oh, whatever. Like, yeah, the delay response. Or maybe her sphincter is just. just like so exhausted. Yeah. Oh my God. I think it's that. Wow.

This is like fast and loose. The asshole is an amazing part of the body. It is a lovely bit of anatomy. It is. It's just so many uses. Never mind. I feel like we all know each other better after this segment. Yeah, I would say if you really want to bond with people, talk about your fart.

My sister's family. Shout out to my sister. She's going to love this. They don't fart or burr in front of each other. Oh, God. had child trauma. Why? Okay.

All right, I'll tell your story. All right, I'll tell you story. Gather around the farts, kids. I'll tell you story. When I was a child, maybe a little bit older than Oscar, I was in a friend's car. I was in the back with him. Yep. And I remember, it was a burp, not a fart, I burped, and the mom lost it.

At you? Anyway, I was banned from their house. Oh, my God. Banned from being friends with that kid. She was just waiting for anything. She just must have hated me. And she's like, here it is, this is me. I remember she gave me a dressing down about it.

And I'm like seven. And I was like, fuck you. You must have been a naughty kid. You sneeze and she's like, get the fuck out of the car right now. That's what it was like. We're on a highway. Shut up and get out. Open the door for us.

She shamed me. She actually shamed me in front of the rest of the family. Oh. Yeah, this took a turn, didn't it? Did it work, though? Because sometimes a little. made me worse. I'm just walking right, go up there.

And I dropped my guts and left. I dropped my guts and left their car promptly. I actually never spoke to that kid ever again. Wow. That's bad parenting. And fuck you, Jeremy. Oh. No.

No. And that's breaking news. Yeah, that's all we got time for. That was great, Vic. Hey, speaking about habits, Ash. Yes. My child has picked up the worst. habit ever.

What's Oscar doing? I'm battling with Oscar at the moment. Yeah, I called you before we recorded and you fucking just once he don't. Okay, the situation is that I feel like he's picking up bad habits from school, which is going to do. They're like, you know, kids are so easily influenced. They're going to pick stuff up trying to raise Oscar to be the good boy. The good boy is finished first.

I want you to be a good boy because you got a little sister. And he's obviously going to be boys will be boys and pick up things. But he's started to like fib to me. Which is, like, I wouldn't quite put them in the category of lies because lie is, like, a lie is like quite an embellishment of something that just blatantly didn't happen. But I feel like a fib. Is this on par with this fibbing as an example? Marley picked up the baby thermometer. Yeah.

They go missing so easily. You know, and they're fucking expensive as well. And she was playing with it. I said, put it back in the little bowl that we have all, like, the random stuff in. And she, yeah, what is it? The family filing cabinet. She put it under the TV cabinet. And I said, don't put it.

it there. That's not where it was. And she goes, yeah, that was there. I said, no, it wasn't. It's in the, it's in the bowl. I saw you get out of the bowl. And she goes, he got me. Yeah, yeah. So is that kind of like that? Like, I'll just give you what happened this morning. Please. Right. So Oscar's a very sweet boy. He can be, but he has a nasty streak and him where he'll just, like, just things that don't need to be said. So like, I was going to read something for him, but I was also like holding it up to read it, but listening to what April was also telling me at the same time. So I was just waiting. And the delay, he went, well, can't you read?

And I was like, fuck, that's mean. Like, what, like, I'm doing your favor, bro. For the record, you're a great reader. Thank you. No, I'm actually not. But I can read what this was. And I was like, okay, well, hang on, like, I was trying to separate the situation.

And I was like, hey, can you just go to a room for a sec? Well, I finished with mom and I'll, you know, like, that's not very nice. I didn't like it. It just got me offside. And then I went and saw him and I was talking to him. I was like, like, why did you say that? He was like, I didn't.

And I was like, okay, all right, stop. you fucking said it because you said it to me and I've got two ears that work, I think. Were you like, did he fucking say that? I was like, I went back to the and I was like,

do I imagine? No. It definitely now you've got me questioning everything. No, and I said, Abel, I said,

you heard that, right? Yeah, I was bringing in witnesses. I was like, Mason was like, well, trial. I was like, did he or did he not? And I was like, sustain! I object!

Anyway, he I was like, what the fuck is going on next door? It's like 7 o'clock in the morning, guys, chill out. You're there with your mallet. And I said, okay, I was like, back it up. You said it. No, I didn't. I said, don't lie to me.

I was getting frustrated. And I was like, hey, don't. I said, lie is. You're in the same category here. Don't lie to me. You can tell me whatever you want to tell me. You said it. Just agree that you said.

I said it. No. And I'm like, this is ridiculous. And I left him. I said, just have a minute to calm down. Everyone needs to come back down. Well, it's recess. Hit the gavel. And then I, April's gone in the room and spoken to him and she was like, just let him regulate himself here. Because this is weird. Because he, he definitely said it. And I caught him lying the other day. So he's obsessed at the moment with Pokemon cards because it's making a resurgent, as is his dad, because I am a child. And I have some expensive ones that I have and I've kept. And sometimes he wants to look at them. And then I was like, you can look at them, but don't take any out.

And he was like, yeah, okay. And I trusted him because he's my son and I wanted to trust him. But I caught him, taking them out. And then I said, hey, I told you not to do it. Did you take this out? He said, no. I said, so it just walked out on its own. And then I said to him, all right, fine.

But just so you know, do not take things from me, man. Like, do not steal from anyone. It's the wrong thing to do. trying to say, look, don't do it. Because if you do it here, then what's you going to do out there? And I don't need that. I said, it's important that you just can tell me whatever you want to tell me. If you're embarrassed about it, fine.

And then I said, I'll give you an opportunity right now. Have you taken any other cards out of any of the binders that I've let you go through? Yeah. As child, you just may sound. Asking the question as we're speaking now? Like that. Nice. Really sensibly.

I could have easily just been erratic and angry, like people would be or like old Ash would be. or like normal ash would be sometimes. That was the weirdest sentence. Anyway. I get it. You got it? Everyone else got it? Good.

And then I, and he was like, no, that's it. I said, thank you. And I trusted him because he's my son. It handed you. But I had an inkling, Matthew. So I left it and I came back and I was in his room with him sorting through his cards and found one of mine. Motherfucker.

And I was like, hey, I gave you the opportunity. I'll give you one more opportunity and you're lucky because I wouldn't give people any more than that one. But also you've got the gun in your hand right now it's still smoking. Yeah. The fucking game's up, bro.

The jig is up. As they say in the court of law. Yes. In the court of law, yeah. And then it goes, do, do, do, do. Law and order reference for anyone. As if you don't know that sound.

Well, just in case. And it was perfectly, it was perfectly executed. No, it's more like, dun dun, anyway. Moving on. And I was like, Are there anymore?

And he said, no. And I said, I'm sorry, I'm sky, I don't believe you. And he was like, it was like, what? I'm like, I don't believe you. I said, pass me your binder. And I grabbed the binder and he came forward. And he was like, okay, okay, I did it. Okay, I did it.

And I was like, bro, I was sad, man. Yeah. I was, I said to him, I said, I don't know, I don't know how to deal with this. Because I've never had to deal with this before. I don't know what I can. betrayed by your own. I was betrayed. And I was like, give me your folder and I took the folder to another room. I told April what was going on because she was like, what's happening?

Because I was being this sort of tone because I wanted to know what was happening here. Yeah. And I was also shocked. And I went to the room and I opened the folder. He has thousands of dollars of my cards in there. Again, as a child, it just this may sound. It doesn't matter. It's the principal.

And I was like, shocked like he'd robbed a bank. I was like, wow. And I was like, fuck, what do I do? Anyway, what did you do? I went back in and I said, bro, I've found it. You lied to me. I gave you an opportunity. You lied to me again. And he was so distraught. And I was like really good. That's good. Yeah, I really kept it calm. And I said to him, hey, you're lucky that this happened behind closed doors. I said, can you imagine if you were caught stealing outside of this house and someone else had to deal with you and with this? I said, they'd lock you up. Simple, plain and simple.

And I thought at that point, he had got the message. But then there's little things since then. He's still lying to me like this morning. But then after I said, hey, I'll give you a minute to admit it. And he said, yes, I said, best policy is to be honest. Be honest. Apologize. Let's move on.

And I thought we did. But then I don't know if your kids do this. He was in trouble. So he spent the rest of the morning sulking trying to regain some attention. Oh, yeah. They make themselves the victim. Like I would say, yeah, I'd be like, come on, like, just get on with the day. Let's get on with the day.

But I could tell he was still sulking. We're in the car. And I said, hey, your turn to choose the song, what are you going to listen to? And because he was sulking, he was like, channeling me the song, but like, the song was called 9-11 or 9-1-1-1-something. He was like, um. And I was like, I can. can't hear you, man. And I was like, I can't hear you. And he was still sulking. And I was like,

what do I do here? And I just turned around. I said, hey, you made a mistake. I'm okay with you being sad about it. If you're sad about something else, tell me. But sulking and sad is very different. Okay. And I was like, how am I supposed to hear you? If you want that song, project it like, hey, dad, I would love this song. Or I want this song not because you're not going to get the sympathy for me when you did the wrong thing. And then you're like, that's what you're supposed. trying to do. He just, he just wants, he just wants you to come back and be like, it's going to be okay, Oscar, don't worry. That's all he's asking for. And that's what I did. After, after that, we got out of the car and I put his bag on and I said, hey, all your emotions are valid, but I don't

want you just sulking for the sake of sulking. If you're really sad, you say, Dad, I'm sad and we'll try and figure out what it is and how we can help. After you hugged him and walked away, we're like, where the fuck's my wallet on? Yeah, he's like, fucking what, what? He's getting Shifty. He's getting good. Getting good. Idiot. Anyway, that's what I was dealing with. I think it's the age.

I think it's the age. Marley's really pushing boundaries at the moment, more so than ever before. They can be jerks, man. And we're like, oh my gosh, my sweet, innocent little child, my little angel, she's now, like, she got in trouble by the teacher a couple times. Just by purely not listening, clear instructions, hey kids, I'm going to leave the classroom for a minute. Everyone's staying in their seats, and Molly's like the one child that gets up and she comes back. And she's like, what fuck are you doing? And she's like, what?

And I'm like, Marley, what are you like, what's happening here? I think it's just, we'll go through it. Yeah, we were talking to a friend of ours who has a slightly older kids and she was like, my eldest son was such a sweet boy all the time. And then he just, over this time, the same age as Oscar and Marley, weak bar, he's just a jerk. Yeah. And then he's not. And he's a jerk.

And it's like, okay, well, yes, put in the work and acknowledge it. Because a lot of parents give up and they're like, oh, God. and then those kids continue that behavior and influence other kids. I'm not an expert here. Me either. And I'm not going to give advice. Me either. But the thing that I try and do, because I'm tempted to be like,

Marley, don't like slam your shoes on the floor. Put your bag away. And it's so easy to just be like, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, all the time that I, obviously I have to at some point be like, hey, do not do that. But at the same time when she does things well, I have to really make sure I'm heroing the moments where she's being well behaved. and she like she's so bad with her manners. She does say no thank you.

I'm like, praise the Lord. Oh yeah. Woo! There she is. And I really drive home how amazing it is when she does behave well. Yeah, yeah. For sure.

I feel like I spend so much time being like, don't do that. Stop doing this. Stop doing that. That when, yeah, like the other day when he did Jiu Jitsu on a Saturday, which I sort of threw it on him last minute. I was like, do you want to go to Jit Tudu starting in 15 minutes? He was like, oh yeah, okay.

And I kind of thought if he gets down there, it does a bit. He did all. the whole thing. He was sweaty. He was there for an extra 15, 20 minutes having a great. And I was like, bro, that was amazing. Like you didn't, you went over and above there. And that was like trying to balance out the stop this, stop that. Because I feel like all he would hear is just the stop and don't. So then he's like, well, fuck you. Because I know what I would be like about it. I'm like, I'm like, if someone's like, don't do that and stop doing that. I'm like, fuck, I'll do whatever I want. And I'll do it better. You watch. So sometimes

when you do good things, I'm like, well done, Nash. Thank you. He's such a good boy. But anyway, I'm dealing with that right now. And it's just like, I just want him to be a nice boy. That's it. Ash, I have a parenting hack which will change your life. Wow. Maybe your kids are too old, actually. I take that back.

Your kids are the same age? No, I've got a new blog, a five-month-old boy. Oh, yeah. And we forget. I'll have to wield that over me. We forget about Poppy. I've procreated one more time than you. I've had sex one more time than you.

That's why I had Poppy, really. Yeah, yeah, I just one more time. If you want to be more dominant over Ash. Yeah, yeah. I know your angle. Thank you. Thank you. Poppy, currently five months old, maybe a little bit older. She's older than that. All right. He knows his birthdays.

Well, yeah, sorry. All right. Rayman over here. Nah, nah, no, you're right. She's five months, two weeks, and 24 days and 16 minutes. That's actually correct. She is terrible in the car. Okay. I hate the fucking car. Backward still?

In the capsule. Oh. It's like being in a spaceship. But some of the kids, we, I remember when they were bad, they had like moments where they were sick and I couldn't sleep. We put them in the car and they'd fall asleep in the car. And we put it in the capsule, it's like we've like strapped it down into a bed of nails. She just hates it.

Hates it. But there is one song, one song that will stop the crying. Ooh. And this song is on repeat right now. Every single car trip with Poppy. I don't know how old this song is, but this song is fucking magic. It's called Duality from Slipknot. Better.

It's called Great Name. Very fitting. The Happy Song. Shout out to Image and Heap. Yeah. That would get it out of show. Wow. That is good gear.

That's the song. You can just go to show. You could write a song about absolutely anything. And you look happy right now. I'm fucking happy. Look at the smile on your face. I was sad before. After the Oscar story, I was like,

Where's the tissue? Yeah. Ash, listen to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just distract me. I get a laser light and I'm a cat. Ring on the bicycle. It's a happy fucking song.

Vic thoughts on the song? Yeah, it's lovely. Okay, wow. Oh, wow, yeah. Geez, the hard crowd over here. Yeah. What about some gusto? It was so good.

Now, it feels, that feels, that feels forced. I felt like I was trying to hear what the lyrics were. Is there something about sucking? Okay, so that... Now I'm listening. There is one line in there. Let me just see if you can hear this. It sounds like something else.

Submarine, but it's suck my ring. I used to think it was suck my ring. And I was like, sure, whatever. I was like, ring, suck my ring. We were just talking about assholes as well. And Laura was like, it's submarine. That's, yeah. I was like, windows down.

I'd be like, sing it, kids. Suck my head! Woo! I don't think you could listen to that and not be happy. I love it. And I think any parent out there who has a young child in the car, just play that song and you'll fucking have a great time. Agreed.

I'm having a great time right now. Moving on to this segment right now. Now you need us more than ever. Know that we still have each other. You can send us your doting dilemma. You can send us. Hang on, can I just really quickly. Hang on, I know we just said dode dilemmas,

but there's been a fucking curveball just thrown in my court. Go on. Okay. This is as it happens. Okay. In the parent group chat. Oh, God. Parents and Careers are warmly invited to attend the K-6 Citizenship Awards Assembly on Tuesday.

This special event is an opportunity to celebrate the achievements and contributions of our students. In addition, the Year 2 students. will showcase the choral skills. Coral, corral? Coral. What is that word? Like oral. Well, just say that.

They've been developing throughout the year singing a song. Where the fuck was this? Not on the newsletter. Here you go. God damn it! I don't know what to do, guys. I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. Send someone else. Send that. Humble brag. Louis got an awarded assembly. What's that? Louis got an awarded assembly. And it was the first thing he told me

when I picked him up. He came running and he's like, his little face was all like lit up and he's like, Mommy, I got an award. And they have assembly on Fridays, which we're not invited to. That's the dream. Oh, yeah. Oh, I would have loved to pop up. Oh, so boring.

And it was a bronze award. And it was for, you guys were like this actually. Enthusiasm in maths games. Okay. So like he just loved it so much? I think he's just really enthusiastic. That's great. That's good.

Yeah. Well, if he loves it, it means he's going to, he does it right? Yeah. Yeah, and so if you get five bronze awards, you get a silver award. And if you get a silver award, you get an email to come in and like watch at assembly. You get the call up. Yeah. Or you're like, get back out there, kids.

Keep on, keep your energy high. He's like, what else can we? How many subjects are there? Let's be enthusiastic about all of them. Yeah. Shout out to Louis. Yeah, good on you. Will Lola get an award?

Probably not. I mean, oh. Probably. Sorry. Sorry. You're kidding. She's got a thing she's good at. She's great. She's great. She's great. She's great. She's one of the first students. I got a Blue Award.

There you go. She got something. Thank you. What's a Blue Award? Blue Awards. Like a bronze award. Like a bronze award. It's like a bronze award. Oh, yours is called Blue. You get it. They maybe do one every two weeks. Whoever's just being well-behaved and listening. Yeah. Presented in class. Yeah. Oscar got a little slip at home and it was a shout-out card thing. I don't know what they call it color-wise.

Look at us. Just swinging our dicks. Being like, my kid's better than your child. Yeah, well, mine. Yours is bronze. Mine. Mine is blue. Wack. Show me your dick, Ash. All right. Matthew. What is your child done?

Well, I got it out of the bag and it said it was like, shout out to Oscar for excellence in listening. And I was like, bullshit. Too bad he's a fucking liar. Yeah, too bad he doesn't fucking listen to me. He just lies! I'm going to give him an award for bulk lying. Okay, so do-da-d-Lammer.

Listening really threw me off. I was like, they'd give this his wrong kid. Sorry. He is actually good at school. He's shit at home. Jess has written in. Oh, shut up, Jess. Jess, ignore.

I'm going through something here. All right. This is from Jess on the Facebook group. With lots of school parties coming up already this year, I was discussing with my husband what the appropriate cost of each present should be. Very good question. What do you guys think is an acceptable amount to pay for each present for school friends, not necessarily family members.

Distinction between the two. I like that. Okay. Well, Shannon, also shout out to Shannon. She did a poll, which I love more than anything. She asked, is it 10 to 20, 20 to 30, 30 to 40 or 40 plus? 40 plus is a bit. No one's still 40 plus.

Did anyone do 40 plus? Laura's like, us. Very good. It was a low-line. Okay. Well, Vic was quite shocked that. I put in the category 30 to 40. There's so many kids' birthday parties.

We don't get invited to many. 30 to 40? We go hard when we get invited to one. Just give them a Rolex, why don't you? Here you go, son. No, well, what do you buy? I mean, what can you get for under 30 bucks? I'll tell you what you can get.

So much. So much. So Macy. You're making me look like I'm bad. I'm out of touch. Macy went to her first birthday party. Like, I went with her to go and pick something. And it was like, oh,

Around about that $20 mark we thought was the max. And it was like a bead making kit that was for 3 plus. Yeah, nice. So it was like big beads. So I don't obviously. Shout out. Shout out. Absolutely.

And I was like, okay, we got that. So it's like, it's not just a here's a toy. You wanted something that's like crafty, I think is a good option. Yeah. And that, a couple of coloring books and maybe a book to read a bedtime. Boom. Lovely. That's it.

And it was like 20 bucks. What about a T-shirt? A t-shirt, a t-shirt didn't they? A Versacee T-shirt. Yeah. You're like, what's hot at the moment? Versauch? What about Gucci?

Oh, it's a bit of hot. It's a bit cheap. Okay. All right. You know, there's at least so many times I can laugh at a joke that's at my expense. We bought them a property. I think, look, I think $20 is enough. 20 bucks, okay, yeah, all right.

And look, and I think as well, like... Here we go, there's more. I don't like the expectation because I think that $20 is... is as much to me as to you, right? But a $20 might be different to someone else. Can I just defend myself for one second? No. Okay, we went to that birthday party of the weekend.

It was dinosaur themed. I was in Kmart Friday night at 10pm. So I bought them a real dinosaur. And also, before the party on the Friday, I was like, hey, what do you? Because Lola was like, that's the birthday boy. And I was like, hey, dude, what do you want? And he's like, anything with a remote control. And I was like, got it.

There was a Jurassic Park remote control car. Oh, that's cool. And it was the Jeep. And it was like, 32 bucks. And I was like... Get two of those. So I brought my real one. Get one for Ash, too.

So I was like, it's a great gift. I'm here. I'm here to... I want to make the kid... Yeah, I think. Yeah. Look, spend within your means and don't feel that you're going to be judged by it. That's my...

There he is. There he is. Depends on how close your kids. And that's all we have time for now. Ash has been waiting to do that. I know. For ages. How did it feel?

You feel big? I thought it would feel better. Yeah. I think it depends on the kid's relationship with your child. I didn't really know the kid. Yeah. I just got triggered happy because it was the first invite Lawl was ever gotten.

I was like, how much you like the kid, you know, but I also think, like, as a mum of kids that get presents, I don't want a million presents for my kid. Yeah, very true. Like, big presents. Like, they're going to get spoiled.

I say to parents, five to ten bucks, like, go to Kmart. You can get a book for me. there for like $4 and a cute little t-shirt for six bucks. Done. See, I was in the money with a t-shirt. That was a good call for me.

I think that's, yeah. Thank you. I was going to say something. It's not from Versace. Yeah, it's a Versa. Guys, relax. Okay? It's vintage.

It's Blenciaga. April went to a birthday party with Oscar over the weekend while I was continuing the floor that's lasting forever. And she came back and she said, someone mentioned to me a gifting shelf. And I was like, they're just giving out shelves now? Like furniture? IKEA? Yeah.

Do you know what we could use? A gifting? dining table if anyone's done. And no, she's like, no, it's like, your kid has a party, right? The thought behind a gif is what matters, right? And it's like, if I get two or three of one thing, which does happen, because they're just toys, there's only so many toys out there. She's like, I might just put one on the gifting shelf so that when a party comes back around,

you can be like, well, we've got something for that. Boom. I've never heard of the gifting shelf, have you? Yeah, we have in Nana's bedroom. we've got a little section where the junk shelf we just, yeah, if we just have random little, you know, even for Christmas time like, yeah, things are on my, that's not going to get played with.

We'll give it to another parent. Yeah, it's like, you know when you get sent unwanted PR? Like you just, all of a sudden you get a package and it's like a bunch of little knick-knacks and it's like to promote their whatever, right? Must be nice. Yeah, well, it is nice. I would love a PR package. Thank you.

I do. It's for work. You just lost the audience. No, it's, I. I'm talking to... You just lost... Like a Disney movie, right? No.

No? No. Okay. Whatever. You know when you're flying in a helicopter? No, no, no, no. And you're staying at the zoo. Yeah, look.

Yeah, you're one of... You're me now. Stop fighting it. Okay. Vicks rolling her eyes. Hey, we need to go. We need to get out of here. Also, special mention to all the parents out there

who were hiding chocolate Easter eggs this coming weekend for the children. Have fun. Enjoy. Don't hide them anywhere in direct sunlight. And enjoy having children that are so hyped up on sugar. They can barely control their emotions. It's going to be fun.

I hide mine in my mouth. And then the kids are just looking around for something that doesn't exist. Oh. But I'm well fed. Okay. Do you with that information. You fucking weirdo? Oh, sorry.

I don't know. Time to go. Okay. If you enjoyed this episode, please. And we are getting so many. reviews right now. I'm just, when I'm masturbate, I don't look at pornography, I just read the comments. You can't anymore.

Vic, leave that in. Leave that in, Vic. Leave that in, Vic. Leave that in. And you can also find us on social media. Yes, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook groups, YouTube's. Everywhere. We're there. And also, a few people have mentioned this, but if you would like to, I don't know, just maybe send it to someone, this is a pyramid scheme.

Okay. What we need is for you to recruit other doters to make us as strong as possible. Furthermore, so we want an army of doters. You'll get 10% old. Imagine a virus that is spreading through the country and you can be a spreader. A super spreader. A super spreader.

And do that by sharing the episodes. Well said. I can't articulate any further on that. I worked in marketing for almost 10 years. Very good. It shows. Thank you. Thank you.

And we'll see you guys next week. See you. Bye. Bye. custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land.