Two Doting Dads with Matty J & Ash - #219 We Need More Breast Pumps!

Episode Date: April 21, 2026

The guys are on a mission this week - helping tiny humans get the strongest start by funding breast pumps for hospitals that urgently need them. We’re donating 100% of every Two Doting Dads Plush Toy sold to the Humpty Dumpty Foundation to help fund more pumps across Australia. If you'd like to donate some cash to the cause head to www.twodotingdads.com!Meanwhile in the Johnson household - someone has a wobbly tooth - but someone else isn't happy about it!  While in the Wicks household - Macy saved a life this week and it's a story that's got to be heard to be believed! And we have a new segment thanks to Aldi about all the things we thought we'd do as parents that went straight out the window once our kids arrived. Consider yourself a smart shopper? Take the ALDI IQ Test today at www.IQ.ALDI.com.au and find out if you’re a true grocery genius... or not. ALDI. Good different. If you need a shoulder to cry on:  Two Doting Dads Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/639833491568735/  YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheTwoDotingDads  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/twodotingdads/  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@twodotingdads    See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Vic is going to hate this intro. Oh, yes. Vic is going to hate this intro. I think I'm not certain, but I'm pretty sure we were both doing poos at the same time. Was that you? What fell out of you? What? I'm so sorry, Vic.

I was going to say something. You were quick. I was quick, and you were, you were being very delicate. You're like a pit crew. Shoo, shoot, shoot out. Anyone wondering where we are recording right now? There's a little men's cubicle, two toilets side by side, and I could hear someone on their phone, and I was like, whoops. What I do like about the toilets here is they've got the radio blasting, so I'm just like, I can just do what I want in there.

I'm like, ha! You came in like a cat. Vic, once again, I apologize. Back to two doting dads. I'm Maddie J. And I'm Ash. And this is a podcast all about parenting. It is the good.

It is the bad. And the relatable. And you can bet your bottom. dollar that in this episode there won't be any advice. I love that saying. Bet your bottom dollar. I haven't said that in so long. That's so good.

Just rolled off. Off the shit talk as well. You bet your bottom dollar. Yeah. You're welcome. Did you even wipe you all that quick? I was like, nothing is more awkward in this world than two people leaving the cubicle at the same time.

So that's why I was, I didn't wash my hands. I was like, I'm just getting out of here. I ran. We could have helped each other out, and wiped each other out, wipe each other's bum. Once again, Vic,

we're sorry. We are sorry. Hey, this is not the brief. document, but just really quickly, really quickly. We have an episode coming up with a sexologist. Oh, yeah. Juliet Allen.

That's right. And I had a conversation after that record with Laura, and I just said, you know, it's hard because people might not know, like, how to explore different things if they just used to the same type of sex, you know, because, you know, some couples, they, they just have what, belly to belly? They have the belly missionary, right? Yeah. And maybe throw on another position, right?

And I said, people don't know what they don't know. And she was like, well, yeah, they know what they like and, you know, they try different things. And she was like, you don't want to be whipped to you. And I was like, well, I don't know. Maybe I want to be whipped. And Laura was like, you wouldn't enjoy it. And I was like, well, how would you know? And she goes, well, I've done all that.

What? And I was like, what do you mean? And she's like, well, you know, I've done that and all that other stuff. And I was like, what's the other stuff? Yeah. And she was like, well, I've just, you know, I've experienced it all of that. And it wasn't really for me. And I was like, woohoo.

I know, I said, once I said to April, like, I was, I wasn't kink shaming someone, but something that came up, like organically. And she was like, oh, yeah, like, she knew. And I was like, how did you know? She was like, I had a pass. And I was shattered. What? And I was like, absolutely shattered.

I know some of Laura's ex-boyfriends in conversation, but I was like, was it, Frank? Which one was it? Who was it? And she was like, you know, we had, you know, there was a time where we would try, you know, like, roughest sex and, like, other types. of things and I was like, oh, make it stop! Yeah, you don't want to open that can of her. Or is she saying that stuff to get off the subject so you don't suggest anything.

She's a smart one, that one. But then I was like, well, I've also been whipped actually, now that we mention it. Yeah, it was like, yeah, I was whipped yesterday. Oh yeah, I've also tried it, not for me. I tried it once. Oh, my God. I know, she, I like gave April a kiss goodbye this morning because we were talking about it. You should always give a kiss goodbye to your spouse when you leave.

And she was like, don't just go in for that, like, Nana kiss. Like, hang around, linger, as you call it. I just was horned up as soon as I left the house. And I was like, fuck, now I've got a whole day of this. So, good advice, bad advice, I don't know. I was like, Laura, come here for a hug. Come here for a hug. A whipping.

It's a great episode. It's coming out. Yes, it's very good. In a little while. Ash, housekeeping. Yes, my favourite. First of all, school holidays. Yeah, look, only two weeks, which is lovely.

Lovely compared to... Only? Well, for me, no, because April booked a trip the week after. So for us, it's an extra week. Another fucking holiday for you. Jesus. Yeah. It's a family holiday this one, so.

Yamba. Yeah, gonna drive. Cost of diesel. I don't know if we'll make it. Well, um, yet to book in my holiday leave. So... I look forward to signing off on it. Were you just, we, you were just in Japan, though?

Were you? Is that? Do I recall correctly? I didn't know you. You were my manager. We're partners. Oh, it doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm being accused of just written warning too many holidays. Who has your kids? What are they doing? They're coming with us. Sorry, for the holidays.

What have they been doing? We've actually taken your advice and increased a little bit of vacation care along the way. He went to, and I don't know if you've heard about this, motivate. No. It's like a holiday campaign. camp style. Great for boys because it's just continual sport all day. It just so happens my cousin actually has a few franchises of it, mainly out west, but they've acquired the Northern Beaches one and said, hey, the registration's open here and gave us the heads up. Oscar went two

days last week. Bro, he has not shut up about it. Really? Amazing. What do they do? They just, so they do. Time to a poll and just say, run. Pretty much. Pretty much. No, they do it at a big oval usually because there's so many different activities. But the setup, it was like something out of wipeout. Remember that show, wipeout? Yeah, yeah. And they have all these things. And then, like, they said, oh, make sure you pack a towel and a change of clothes because we'll, it'll be a hot day.

We're going to do like a wet activity as well. This was at a high school around the corner from us. And they had it decked out. And like, Oscar's face lit up, bro. Like, there was basketball, soccer, everything. So they spend the whole day, you know, when you're like, oh, a bit apprehensive is like, how many people are here to actually orchestrate this? Mate, the staff.

That's so much stuff. and they were all young, sprightly, ready to rock and roll. Oscar was raving about it. I don't remember having access to this type of activity when I was younger. They write what your number is on your hand. He refuses to wash his hand because he's like, that's my number for this. I don't want to give up my number, like 2-66 or something. Oh, wow.

Yeah. And you're like, sure, okay. Yeah, but like, yeah, had a great time. He was actually exhausted because you know what he's like. He's kelpie. He's full of beans. But he got home and he was like, oh, man. Woo-wee!

I'm gas. Tough day at work. So shout out to the team at Motivate. It's a real roll of the dice. Yeah, like this one trumps the school one. But the school one does the best they can. This morning dropping the kids off. They were just like, again?

Really? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we've got a quick rule in our house where... No complaining. Well, the girls can't wear crop tops. It's not to school. So if there's free dress. Oh, yeah.

Marley loves to wear like a little tongue. tiny top and have a belly out. And we just said, oh, if you're going to school, you've got to wear a t-shirt, like long sleeves. Yeah, that's fair. And she just had a level five meltdown off the back. And I was trying to think, you know, Jen Muir, is it about the top? What's really the problem? It's too late at that way. And I was like, palms out being like, what's the problem? Trying everything in the book. How can we make this easier? And she was like, I fucking hate you. And I was like, I understand. It's too late. I was like, in my head trying to calculate like, what level are we at? But then I was thinking to myself, what do I do here, Ash? Do I just let her

wear the top? Or do I put my foot down and let her know the boundaries? And this is one that can't be crossed. And I was like, where do I stand on this? Oh, there's got to be a happy medium where it's like, here's a nice shirt that's not cropped. Okay, well, I'll tell you what the happy medium was. Oh, yeah. It was just me being like, take off the fucking top. That's exactly what I meant. That's exactly what I meant. I think maybe too young for that. Like, you don't want to halt their own dress code where it's kind of like they want to dress who they are. Well, I just said you've got so many clothes to choose from. Just pick one that is just a t-shirt.

Pick a t-shirt. And she just wanted to have this crop top. And I was also like, I'm not going to reward her having a meltdown and hitting me and screaming at me saying she hates me. I'm not going to reward that by saying, okay, you can wear the top. So then it was just, it was just me and her in the standoff. And then I'd let a cool down, like cool, not DefCon 5, DefCon 3, pop my head in the room

and she'd be like, fuck you, you are so. Oh, back up to 5. I've got a solution. Go on. I've just thought of this. It's groundbreaking. You should wear a crop top and take her and drop her off in your crop top.

I think she'd think that's hilarious. I've seen dads do this on social media where they're like meet their daughters out in like in the ball and they're wearing their like active wear. I think Marley would just be like, you look great. You're like, actually that's... Damn it! Thank you.

You're just going to start walking around with the crew. I've dropped off on all the time now. But, man, it was, it was a solid hour of just me and Marley just like, and then I was trying to brush her hair and she's like, don't touch me. And I put up with that sort of stuff in my house, bro. And just, what do you, what do you? It was one of those mornings where- I think you stood your ground, that's all you can do, really.

Yeah. There's not a whole lot more you can do. Like, I think, like, well, let me ask you this. Is the grudge over? Is the, is the grad match over now? Like, I'm sure when I pick her up, it'd be completely, it would be completely, but it was just a solid hour. You got to ride the storm.

Me and her button heads locked in a clash when no one was willing to back down. And I think it's good that you didn't enable it. That's where it starts, right? But you know what? I don't know if you forget this. And this is unfair, but Laura was out the door really early this morning. She was gone at 6.30. And I found myself being really resentful at Laura.

Ooh. Being like, I've got to deal with this because you're at work. And obviously she's working. She's earning money. But like, I think there's an argument to say that it is easier. to be at work than it is to deal with a child where you're both screaming at each other and you're copping. I hate you, you're a bad dad. This is the worst day of my life. I would rather go to work and write an email or like host a TV show than be face to face with an hour of that.

Yeah, I mean like if you're going to work and someone's yelling at you and screaming at you, like a five year old, it's probably the wrong place to work. I agree. You would leave that place, but you can't just leave. You can't be like, you know what? I can see you. Because then Laura wrote to me and said, I think I'm going to, we're behind schedule. I'm going to be late. Oh. And I said, well, no surprise there. Because I'm just, and the resentment's just creeping out.

And I'm like, oh, I'm in such a shit head space. Especially if you've got a tiny human yelling at you that always escalates the inconvenience of like, I'm already on my own here outnumbered. And then it's like, well, it must be nice for someone else. Like your partner to be off not getting yelled at. And then you're like, you're thinking about that. And then you get yelled out again. you're like for fuck save.

I don't know. One thing I noticed doesn't really normally happen, but after that little argument with Marley, stomach, like, it was really notted up. Like, I was really like,

I hit your heart. Yeah, I was, my nervous system was like on edge. Because you felt it. Yeah, really trying to just not shout, don't raise your voice and that for an hour.

Like afterwards, I was like, man, I need to let something out. And then unfortunately Laura was like, hey, by the way, I'm going to be really late coming home.

She was the next one in, line. You know, I was just like, I need to release something somehow. Oh, it's tough, isn't it? It's never, it's not easy. Also, shout out to the single parents. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they do it.

I suppose you sort of get used to it in a way that you're like, like a muscle memory, right? You're like, okay, well, it's probably hard. Yes, I'm not saying it's not hard, but then you're, they're normal. It's their normal. And you're sort of, you're all like, well, this is just how it is. And your brain and your muscle memory becomes so like, all right, well, I'm just here on my own now.

But when your teammates take it away. They're like, oh, bye, you're like a, ah, just getting yelled at all the time. That's the thought that's in my head. I'm like, just think, there's mums and dads out there doing the solo. Yeah. Shut up and get on with it, Matt. Yeah. Look in the mirror like, come on.

I honestly, I'll try not raise my voice, but fuck, it works. Like, Oscar having a meltdown, Macy having a meltdown. I'll try and understand, but if they're like not. Palm's out, Ash, palms out. If they're past that, like, like Jen says 30% of the time, I'm jumping. straight to that 70% I'm just fucking bellowing. I'm just bellowing. Anyway, well, I'm sorry to hear that, but hopefully when you pick her up, she gives you

big cuddle and we move on. Hey, I got some good news for you. Well, it's all coming up me. Ash, can I just read you a little message that we got? Sure. Do you mind? This is from Naomi. Hello?

Yeah. Hey, Naomi. Hey, boys. This is a message more for Ash. This sounds like it's going to be bad news. But I know he says he's shot. shocking with checking DMs, so I thought I'd message Maddie's page and also trying here too, because she's gone, she's got my personal page, she's gone two Durning Dads.

This must be desperate. She goes, I ordered two Broncos 13 plus jumpers from Hello Sport Boys, and they accidentally sent me a manly 13 plus in the order. Ooh! She said ooh? Yeah. Oh, wow. Long story short, but I can't give it away.

No surprises, really. Anyway, I was wondering if Ash would like it. It's my way of saying good on you for his amazing efforts with his sobriety. Noam's. I want it. Oh, have you got it? No. This is from Nome.

It feels like Christmas. Thank you, Naomi. Here's a look. Some ashes is my hat. Also, hello sport. Get your fucking customer service sorted out. Yeah, what's that about, boys? Didn't you guys go to university?

Wow. What size is that? It's a large. Oh, perfect. That's perfect. What's 13 plus? So when you're putting your tips, you say how many, the team will win by. Yeah.

And 13. Rolls off the time. Yeah. Manly will win by 13. Yeah. Good luck. Because it's either 1 to 12. We've won two in a row. That's very kind.

Of manly to win or? Of Naomi. Yeah. Thank you, Naomi. I appreciate that. I do. I really, really do. We do have exciting news.

Do you want to break the news or? You break it. You break away. We are moving to a new space, Matthew. We teased it in the Facebook. Yeah, we just needed our own space that we could create and bring you more episodes and more fun. And we have found a spot, which in May we will start to construct it. We will keep you updated.

Someone did say in the Facebook group, though, like, what a fucking waste of money? Why would you do that? I was like, where else are we going to record? We've just signed the least. So it's probably not the message we want to get right now. For three years, we've been recording at our houses, being inconvenient for everyone else. And then also having like, although Ron is dead now, having like noise complaints and. all sorts of things, and then we finally think, you know what,

originally we thought we couldn't afford it, then we realized how cheap it was. Yeah, it's actually pretty affordable. So we've got five offices. And it feels like it's a big step in... We're moving in together. That's what it feels like. That's what it feels like. Yeah.

I don't know. We're going to have a house warming. An office warming? An office. It's pretty small. It's actually bigger than I was expecting. It's nothing flash. It's like...

Not yet. It's not, Matthew. The sky's the limit. Like I said, we could do anything we want in there. So many activities. We're currently debating whether we have a... I've thrown out the idea of couches. I said simulator.

Ashwin simulators, but we've always had a table. Do we want to keep the table set up or do we go couches? Tables. Table's much better. Yeah, I feel like it's more formal? Assertive. Assertive. Yeah.

I like it. So we'll keep you posted on the progress. We are. We're going to do a little like renno of the studio. We are. So stay tuned. Yeah, Trady Dad's getting a couple of calls, that's for sure. Because we don't really know what we're doing.

But we'll give it a guy. So anyway. What do you mean? You've just done all the flooring in your house. By the way, is that finished? No. Fucking out. Don't tell April I'm starting a new project.

She doesn't know anything. All these like materials and tools will rock up at your place and she'd be like, thank God. And it's like, stop for here. I'm starting. Yeah, I'm just taking on a whole new job. Yeah. That's my new job. My year career now is just handyman.

Breaking news, Matt. Breaking news from the good giggler in the background of the studio. People love your giggles, by the way. I was listening this morning, you just hear a giggling away. Sometimes when we don't get giggles, I'm like, oh, that was a shit joke. I'll just try it. Just try harder next time. I know. I'm like, you see in the videos I look over to Vicks, corner, and I'm like, anything?

Give me something. Yeah, big news-wise. Yeah. What do we got? Well, I've got a more serious news story for today. It's not the usual type. You might have a chuckle over, but it crossed my desk, and I thought it was a really important one. So I thought I'd bring it to you guys.

and just see what you thought. So the Humpty Dumpty Foundation is calling for urgent public support as part of its national pumped for life Mother's Day appeal, helping fund hospital-grade breast pumps for neonatal intensive care units and special care nurseries across Australia. Around a one in five Australian babies require admission to a NICU or special care nursery where specialised medical support is critical. Hospital-grade breast pumps are relied upon every day in these units

and are often shared between multiple families and mothers, yet hospitals nationwide continue to report significant shortages. They're the ones that Chris Hemsworth used to clean the nipples in between uses. Well, they're their hospital-grade ones? Yeah. Can I be really dumb here, Vic? What's the difference between an at-home breast pump? Medella or whatever.

And one that's hospital grade. The hospital-grade ones are much higher quality. They can get a lot more milk out at a faster rate so that they can kind of move between mother-to-mother. The ones that you can just chuck on under your bra, they take a lot longer, they get less milk. And the big hospital-grade ones, they're especially manufactured so that there's less chance of infection and all sorts of other things. I'm going to sound really dumb here. But when it comes to the NICU crib, who uses that?

What babies go into NICU? Yeah, I've not premature babies. It's a big one for preemie babies, twins, any babies that need extra special care. And you used it with Lily. Yeah, my little Lily Boo. And how did that come about? When did you realise that that needed to be a service that you guys needed? So day two, we woke up after having her.

And Dan walked in the room and he's like, wow, Lily looks really yellow. And the midwife was like, oh, yeah, actually, we probably should get that checked out. Had you thought that Lily was a little bit yellow or? A little bit, but like I was so tired and drugged up still. I'd had a plan C-section. So I'd still had a lot of drugs pumping through. from her body. I was in a lot of pain and I couldn't really see her properly because I was in the bed and she was in the bassinet next to me. Also, you haven't known her that long.

Ash, with the jokes. And so straight away, they started doing tests and they saw that her white blood cell count was really high and she had very high levels of jaunders, which is why she was yellow. But it was actually the white blood cell count they were most concerned about because that could mean serious infection or cancer. Wow. Yeah, Oscar was a little jaundy as well. But like, People just thought he was Mexican. Because he was like quite olive. Yeah, he still is though. He is, yeah, but he was really yellow.

So we had to go under the, there's a light. Yeah, the Billy Blue lights. So straight away they took Lily and put her in a box with, yeah, blue lights all around. And these gorgeous little goggles over her eyes to protect her eyes. And then they put a drip in her hand so that they could start getting some stuff to her straight away. Antibiotics. So she, yeah. So how is this being communicated to you when you're in bed?

If you're still coming off the drugs from the C-section, are you kind of passive as this is happening? Or how is it being communicated to you? They were pretty good. The doctors and the nurses in the special care unit are incredible. Like, I can't fault them at all. They were the most supportive people. And that is where these pumps were so important

because they brought them in so that I could start pumping milk because she was in this little box and she had to be bottle fed. And so the pump helped me then bring my milk in because I couldn't feed. And then it meant that she got that really good nutritious milk straight away from day two because I was able to feed the day before. But yeah, from the second day, we had to start bottle feeding her, which as a mother was like awful because I just wanted to breastfeed her and I wanted her on me and then to have them feeding her.

Yeah, it was really hard. But I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. And so this helped me make sure that I could. and get me going and make sure I could get lots of milk ready for her because they feed every two to three hours. So you need to keep pumping milk as well. I remember April used it because I mentioned it to her. And she was like, yeah, they were so much faster.

And like, depending on what the problem might be, it would depend on how long you'll actually have to use it if they're in the box. How long was literally in the box for? She was only in the box for like two, maybe three days. But we were in special care a bit longer than that. Two or three days would feel like forever though at that stage. It did. Yeah, what's it like?

I'm trying to think of our experience was different because we had the luxury of just being able to hold your baby straight away. So what's it like when there's that barrier between being able to get tactile with your newborn? It's pretty awful, yeah. I was, I felt like a mother without a baby. Oh, wow. And because Louis was home, like I was just in bed by myself, and, yeah, Dan was minding Louie.

And then I was still recovering from my surgery, so I couldn't even visit her. So they found me a wheelchair. And then just seeing her in the little box, it's just, it's really awful. Yeah. Because, yeah, as you said, you want your birth experience to be really beautiful. And like that golden hour, they say, went there on your chest. And I didn't get that with Louis either because he was emergency sex section. And I wasn't able to breastfeed him after eight weeks either.

So I was already, like, had a little bit of trauma. from that. And so then I was like determined I really wanted to breastfeed Lily. So when this happened, I was like, oh, please don't rip this away from me as well. And so then eventually with the bottles that she was getting, she was getting stronger. The antibiotics she got worked straight away. The white blood cell count came down straight away. So they were like, that's a really good sign. There's no infection. It turned out that her blood type and my blood type are opposite. And as a result, that can have a really negative impact on the baby's health when they come out because there's some sort of crossover or something.

That's crazy. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Yeah, well, it's hard because at the time you don't know what you don't know and you don't know what's going to happen or what's going to happen to this baby that you've just had and been caring for nine months. But in hindsight, I'm like, oh, I probably got way more upset than I should have because lots of babies get jaunders and it's a really common thing. And the doctors were incredible at fixing that for her.

But at the time, yeah, not being able to hold your newborn baby is the worst feeling in the world. Yeah. And I don't think you should look at your, the way you reacted and the emotions that you still hold inside it. It's important not to think that you were overreacting because you probably look at Lily now and be like, oh, she was fine. So I was getting worked up over nothing. But I think it's important to still allow yourself to be as upset as what you were. Yeah. Well, it's funny because she's three now and obviously like that's still right on the surface.

because I'm getting upset. Yeah. Oh, I'm so sorry, Vic. But, yeah. I did a really important cause. So, yeah, it's close to my heart. Such good cause. They need the money.

I think Ash. Yeah, we've got some plush toys in storage. We do in storage that I think that we could sell to the listeners, that all the money and all the proceeds of that can go towards these breast pump machines that can help so many mothers in this situation that need to express pumps so that their baby can start to feed. also as well for them so they can start to produce milk. I think it's great. Vic, do you know how many we got in the warehouse?

We've got like, oh. Look at ours, office, warehouse. Here we go. We've got 91 toys in the warehouse. Okay. So if we sell them for 20 bucks each, that will be just shy of $2,000. Yeah. So we'll give all proceeds, all that money, the 20 bucks, we'll give that, donate it to.

The Humpty Dumpty Foundation. Let's do that. So they'll be on our website to dottingdads.com. We'll put it in the show notes. But if you buy that, just know that that money is going to go to such an amazing cause. And we'll track some cash out of it too, won't we, to make sure that the amount is worthwhile and is contributing as much and as best as possible. Love that. And Vic, thank you.

Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing that story. Yeah, thank you. Appreciate it. Sorry for getting teary. No, don't apologize. Matt, big weekend for the Wix's just gone. Huge, huge weekend.

Where were you? Specifically Saturday. Oscar. Started soccer. Oh, the Narrabeen? Narrabeen Vipers. The Vipers. Yeah.

Pretty sick name. Very cool outfit. So cool. Oh, black. Black, with it's got like a white, black and white stripe on the front, but yeah, he's fully cut it out. So he made his debut for the Vipers. And I will say it's a success, Matthew.

Can I just remind the listeners, the Dota's, that Ash was once semi-professional. The torch has been passed on. But now I feel like I want to play again. A lot of heart. High expectations. A lot of pressure on the little shoulders of Oscar Wicks. And he handled it magnificently. First game, it was an away game, the furthest spot from where we are in the local area.

What suburb? Mossman. Oh, Mossman's lovely. Oh, you would say that, Mr. Three or Four Houses. Mossman's where... They let the hillbillies in to play soccer pretty much. That's how it felt. For anyone outside of New South Wales, Mossman is a very affluent area.

It's like one of the most affluent areas in... I think it was worked out to be to buy a square meter in Mossman is $44,000. One square meter. It's lovely that. Yeah, we sold our first property there. What's the soccer fields like in Mossman? It's bloody shag carpet, isn't it? It was very well manicured.

But they did put on a good sausage sizzle. So they went back to their roots there. Anyone for caviar and lobster after the game? But we turned up, the Narrabian crew, Hillbillies, Bogans by the beach. Oh, more! Yeah, hey, I got dibs on her if her brother doesn't, that sort of stuff. Turned up, Oscar, he was nervous, of course. Yeah, to be expected.

I was like, but just do your best. And he does this thing where he's like, we're probably not going to win. We're probably not going to win. I'm probably not going to, like, to sign. That's his way to manage his own expectation. And I was like, yeah, you're probably right. I was like, just try your best, man. Let's try your best.

You come from good stock. But when you agree with them, they're like, hey. You're like, hey, this is how I do things. You're meant to be like, you're the best boy ever. That's April. April was just like, you're going to kill him, honey. Who's the knife? Get out there.

Okay, mommy. Lisa, look good. April at the cross-country, very vocal. She was... Very vocal. How was she on the sideline? She was drowned out by all the others, so it wasn't so intense from her. But, Oscar, straight into it.

She was there muzzled in the corner, wasn't she? Yeah, she was. She had Macy with her and like, it was like, Macy was like, oh, no. She normally has a few vinos as well, the sideline. Well, it was 8.30 in the mornings, I hope not. It was like, oh, definitely I'm driving. Turned up, Oscar, started the game.

Just scored three goals. What? Hattrick hero on debut. Whammo. Oh my God. That's very arrogant from you and Oscar. Man of the match. Wow.

Man of the match. But I will say he scored three goals. And I do have another child. Very. opposite of the spectrum. Over the course of the same day, she napped three times. Same, same, but different. Shout out to Mason. I know. She's just like, she knows, she knows she gets life. She knows what's good for her. Yeah, she's like, fuck it. So she slept on the way to soccer? Hat trick and hapick and naps. Literally, on the way to soccer and on the way

home. And just to add to the Saturday shenanigans, we went to the Easter show in the afternoon. Okay, now let me, yeah, I'm going to tell you right now. I was swindled into this. I know that April is a one activity per day kind of gal. That's what I thought when I married her. I was wrong. What's happened? So there's this thing with ADHD medication called the yes window, where in the morning when you take your meds,

you'll say yes to anything for like an hour and regret it later. So she's caught me off guard here somewhere. Vic, just write that down. Make sure that if we need to get approval for anything on Ash, just ask him before 10 o'clock. Literally. You'll get whatever you want. Anyway, so this is a couple

This is going back a couple of weeks ago Where she's pre-booked everything But I've said yes In this yes window And then I quizzed her on the Friday I was like, okay, so I know we're going to the Easter show It's fine, I'm not going to avoid that And I was like, okay, so what time are we going?

She's like, we're going the afternoon I was like, great, no worries, go for a couple You know, avoid the morning rush And she was like, yeah So the kids are going to have a late night I was like, excuse me? She was like, oh, there's fireworks The kids want to say the fire.

I was like, okay, what times are five weeks? Like seven o'clock. It's dark because the savings is over. 10 to 9. What? I said, so I'm going to be the Easter show for seven hours. And she was like, I knew you'd be like this. Oh.

I knew you would say this. So that's why I asked you weeks ago at a specific time. At 7.45 a.m. After we had sex. Oh, yeah. I'm pretty sure that's when it was. So we go in the afternoon and like, it was actually not a bad shout to go around lunchtime because you do, you see people leaving that have been there in the

morning with their younger kids as well. And they're like walking out of a war zone. They're like, don't, don't do it. They're like, don't do it. I saw a police helicopter and I was like, please be something at the show. Please be something at the show. So I can't go. And I was just in a bad move. Did you call it a bomb threat? I should have. Two cop cars went past us. I was like, this is great. Come on. Yeah. So we turned out, it's the same old thing. It's a bit like a hillbilly circus. Let's be honest. Like, it's not for me. It's for the kids. They did nothing but ask of things the whole time. You're very hillbilly-esque. Thank you. You're with your people. I was not with my people. You're a little bit country. I am not. What part of me is country?

What part? The mustache. That's it? This is cosmetic. This is cosmetic. It can come straight off any time. But one eventful thing that did happen, which I really felt sorry for Macy, is that I'm going to say that Macy saved a life. I know you're expecting this. Yeah, good. I love. I love where you're going. So first of all, the third nap was on the way to the Easter show. So there's the hat tree. Bingo, bango, bongo. She's full of energy for now. She doesn't take much for an hour.

For an hour. Obviously, there's a lot of volunteers that help out. And some of these volunteers are a little bit elderly, which is fine. They're lovely. They're volunteered, do they? Yeah. To be honest, I think they're just happy to be out of the house. And alive.

And all. Yeah, that too. Some of them. Some of them's like, ah. Anyway, so there's this, like, petting zoo sort of area that has, like, tractors they can jump on. one of them's like an electric one which they swindled me out of ten bucks for three minutes bastards anyway then they had a second like small attractive thing that was pedals which was free

in another section anyway so we're over there macy gets on this little tractor and starts to pedal around and one of the volunteer lady came out to me she was probably in the 70s or whatever and she was talking to me she was like yeah they sat me over here like just over here in the back to watch the tractors and i was like oh yeah you know whatever and then macy's riding past and this old lady wasn't watching and they've collided. Oh, wow. Into each other. It felt like slow motion, right? It's like giraffes. You know, giraffes when they move, they're all super slow. That's what it was like. Elderly are essentially just like an old tree. Yeah. She started to fall and she's actually grabbed hold of

Macy on the way down around the neck, might I add. So both of them have gone head first into the her the poor old duck. Macy... Daddy help. Cushioned her fall. And I was like, it all happened in slow motion. There's people running from the other side. Like, other dads coming over to help out.

Like, something was seriously going down. And Macy's... The police helicopter comes over. Literally, it was like all in this slow motion. And then the poor thing, she must have, like, bunged up a wrist, the old lady. But I was also, like, I witnessed the whole thing. And I was like...

You're at fault. You didn't need to grab hold. of my four-year-old on the way down. It's instinct. It was. She was trying to stop her full of it. Paul Macy. And you know how sad it is when Macy's cries? Because she's so sweet and she never talks. She was like, she couldn't really be like, hey, get the fuck off me. She was more like, what happened?

Like it all happened to her so fast, but I watched it all go down. And I was like, pushed the lady out of the road. Picked up Macy and I was like, it's okay. And then the lady came over. She was like, I'm so sorry. Macy's like, ah! Get away from me! Kick her back down.

Literally, and I was like, and the lady was like, You've got enough. It was so awkward afterwards. You know, you're all standing there and everyone's fine, and she was kind of like, didn't know what to do. And I'm standing there and I was like, well, this is really awkward. It's like when you're the first person to come in an orgy, you're just like, this is what do I do now?

What do I stand here? And I was like, oh gee, this is awkward, isn't it? And then I was like, come on, kids, let's go. We're going to go, kids, we're going to go. And they didn't want to go because then they were having fun again. So I'm sat there next to this old lady who obviously felt horrible about it. But I don't worry about it. Kids are resilient.

You know, she's only got a concussion. But you're also like, stay the fuck away from my child. Yeah, yeah. I didn't want to be rude because it was lovely. Okay, I just wanted to go like just get away from me because I was like, this is so awkward this situation. And I was squirming, like, come on. Come on kids.

Like, you know, try and hurry them up. Time's up. Yeah, that's what it was like. And they wouldn't come. And I was like, oh, God. This is the most awkward thing ever. Thankfully, Macy is alive and well. And then she fell asleep in the car on the way home, just to top off the day.

That's my Macy. Three sleeps. She saved her life and off to sleep. She's a hero. I didn't have it in Mitygo to the Easter show this year. So well done to you. Yeah. Active family.

Hated it. Honestly, last time I'm doing it. She'll get me in that yes window again and we're fucked. Hang on. There's another message for Ash. Fucker now. Oh, does someone see me? Yeah.

From Ellie. And she says, my partner and I saw Ash. and his beautiful family at the Easter show, Macy looked a little worse for where, though. She was dizzy. I had been in a rotten mood, and my partner goes, that's Ash from your podcast.

I had a full-on fan girl moment for the whole crew. So happy to see you guys in the wild. Wow, you should have come and said hi. I know. Yeah. I'd be like, fuck up! Get away from my child.

No, I would have been, yeah, it would have barked me out. There you go. Yeah, look, it's not for me. Wait, the fan interaction? No, the... They used to show it. Yeah, I feel like they're just slapping things together.

Actually, one special mention, they shoot someone out of a cannon. What? Yeah. That's that peak hillbilly behavior. He's a second generation cannonball, essentially. He learned from his dad, he's been doing it for 29 years. So back in the 1800s... Hey, ma'am!

Hey, ma'all! They're shooting me by them! He was American, too. So in the 1800s, human cannibals were banned. But in the mid-19th century, they brought back by this guy's family. So his dad was a cannonballer. He's a cannonball. And his son's the one who hits the trigger. So he's going to be a third generation cannonballer.

Wow. It was pretty... And he says he hated the Easter show. That's the only bit I liked. Oh my God. Stop pretending like you love it. Anyway, it was great. That was a good. That was a good bit. But we left because Macy realized she hates fireworks. Mid... Yeah, as soon as the first one went off. She was like, fuck this!

She's just out of here. Anyway, never going on. I must have lost my invite for that. Do you want to come with my... Just you and my family. Must have. Did you get invited, Vic? No.

No, I didn't. No. Okay. Well, it was on purpose, though. I did invite you. Okay. Very exciting news. This is kind of like breaking news.

Oh. This is. He's stealing my job. No, it would never dream of it. You can't put the accent on. I know, I can't. Guess who has a wobbly tooth? Nanna.

It is Lola. What? Oh, yeah. She's five? Lola with the wobbly tooth. Which is very exciting. Bottom? Middle.

Top. Top. Top. Top front teeth. Wow. Is wobbly. And she's just, she's pumped. It's a huge deal because at the moment,

few kids are losing their teeth at school. And we kind of reacted in a way to express how excited we were. Everyone's like, oh my God, we're making a big deal. And then someone standing in the corner with her arms crossed. Oh, God. Marley being like, well, I don't have a fucking wobbly tooth. And we were like, oh, yeah, okay. Hmm.

Has she lost her tooth? Yeah. Hasn't lost a tooth. Yeah, I was a late bloomer too. My old man used to make fun of me that I was like a piranha. When did you lose your first? I would say, like, older than Marley. I'd have to ask my mom.

GPTed it and apparently up until eight is, but we're a bit like, we should have been like, Molly, it's okay, it'll come. But I was like, hang on a second. Let me feel your tooth. And I said, you got one too. You've also got a wobbly tooth. No wonder she's acting out and wearing a crop top. And she's like, do I?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, your front one. And she was like, I knew it was coming. And I'm like, we've all got wobbly teeth. And then we kind of let that lie run for a bit. And then Marley was so excited. She went up to Nana and was like, Nana, I've got a wobbly tooth. And she was like, none of them are wobbly. And she's like, no, this is the front one.

She's like, no, it's not. You've been lied to, kids. Solid as a rock. And then Marley was like, oh, Nana said, I didn't have a wobbly tooth. And I was like, for fuck sake, no. She's old. She doesn't know. I'm like, get back in your room.

Come out when dinners needs to be cooked. Sorry. True, though. Love, I love, no, no. She'd make a good lasagna. So Marley was very upset, but Lola is just, she's frothing. When we expect the tooth to fall out, like any ballpark. I don't know, Vic, you just lost the tooth.

What's the window from it first gets a bit wobbly? You lost the tooth? No, Louis. Oh, that's right. I saw that, yeah. Congrats. Louis lost his birthday. No, but you just said you lost a tooth.

Yeah, you know what I mean. No, I didn't. As she's very literal. We know this about it. From the furze wobble to the removal of the tooth, how long? Oh, completely unexpected. It was a surprise for the whole family. Oh my God.

Shocking. Shocking. I had screams from the bedroom because that's where we brush our kids' teeth. Don't ask. And Dan came running out. He's like, spit it into mom's head. Spin it into mom's head. I was like, fit what into my heart?

I thought it was a stitch. I thought, because they were trying to get them to bed. I felt like they were trying to do something. And then he spat it out. And I was like, Not expected. Oh, wow. Not wobbly.

Did she get that checked? I genuinely was concerned. What did he get? How much money? Okay, so I gave him five $2 coins. What? I know. I surprised even like that.

I'll pull my teeth out right now, Vick. That's a hole. I'll tell you right. I'll rip them all out. That's the payoff. From the school mums, I heard that the first tooth does get more. And then we put the tooth in this little bag. And then it just looked so empty with.

like two coins and we have so many coins in the house because Dan's a builder. So I wanted to like get... Trades have a lot of coins, I think we're going to be over there. It's like they get paid in coins. And I thought $10 is like a nice round amount and then $2 after, absolutely. But like I was always that mum that was like, don't give too much to your kids. And then as soon as he lost, I was like, oh my God, I've got to shower him with money. He's the kids to your new car.

Did you say Mercedes-Benz? We're not getting that crap. We got a Maserati. I don't know what I give Lola. I go, well, I didn't. April gave Oscar a dollar. But his first tooth? Yeah.

First two? Yeah. I think so. That's what they're telling me. A lot of judgment in that high picture of yours, V. Oh, really? That's all we can afford, Vic. That's what they told me.

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. You're in cahoots. He's got to be Rolex. Oh, it was just a dollar. That Pokemon card. Yeah.

Yeah. He's just like, he steals shit from me, but his mom's fucking giving him cash left, right and center. Can I just say, though? So that money was burning a whole. in his pocket from the get-go. So the next morning, we took it in the game-art, and we said, you've got $10. And I was going to be really, like, strict on that.

Like, he can't get a dollar here and there. Anyway, so he bought a little dinosaur egg and three $1-matchbox cars. He wanted to take those three cars to vacation care. Oh, no. Do you think those cars came back? No, absolutely not. No. And then he says, it's right.

I'll just get another $10. Two-fairy. Oh, see, you've set yourself up to fail. And I was like, no, you only get $2 per tooth. He's like, I'll save up. I'm like, you can't even save this, kid. I love that. I'm not giving you any more money.

It's like comes back with like a hundred dollar toy. Yeah, mum pay for the rest. Is that right, April? What else aren't you telling me? Just quickly on The Tooth Fairy, we did have a poll in the Facebook group, which is just such a great page for other parents and non-parents to get together and share their war stories and share their stories and share their hardships. Which one do you want to go with?

A couple of options for you, Vic. Please leave all those in there. Please leave all of that. At one point did you decide to remove the war? Because you were like, well, it's a bit testing. Also, I do want to say about the Easter show, fireworks in this economy at the moment. Firm, we get it. You've had enough.

Fireworks with a war going on seems a bit much. Well, that's what I said. And you just brought up some trauma. I don't want to reference the war because there's a war going on right now. Just lets a fireworks off. It's insensitive. It's insensitive to who knows who is listening from which country. Keep digging that hole.

He's just like, anyway. I'll let you edit that as you see fit. I will demand that you leave all that in there. This is Liz Luke. Okay, so Shannon in the Facebook group. Hello Shannon. Our daughter's first visit from the tooth fairy is tomorrow. So I need to know what is the going rate these days. Is it

$2? The old school vibes? $5. Seems like the new standard. $10. Inflation is real. First tooth bonus, I think is real. Costs a living. My opinion, I think a fiver. These kids are just like, it's cost of living. You're very judgy.

I think I will do $5 for the first tooth bonus, which I think should be acknowledged, and then moving forward, $2 coin. Is Laura going to make you write some riddles and stuff as well? Probably. Yeah, she's like, do more. And April's like, you're going to write a letter? And I'm like, I'm gummed up right now. There's a last thing I need to write it.

Actually, fuck, that's what I forgot to do today. Damn it. Tooth fairy letter? No. Marley had some chocolate and they'll love hot chocolates and then she said can you write me a love letter in my lunchbox and I forgot and then he yelled at him. And she's probably right now having her lunch looking for this letter

I wish we could call out. I know. He forgot and he yelled at you this morning about you, cropped off. Kick him while he's down. Thank you, Ash. Look, moving on. Even the best parents make mistakes. Matt, we have a new segment.

Go on. You know me. Ex-salesment, but now, new salesman of this podcast. I've got it's a fantastic partnership. Well, we have spoken about the fact that we've got the warehouse, we've got the new office. We are burning through cash right now. And cash flow hasn't been amazing. Not to point the finger at you and put blame on you because you are the sales guy of the podcast. Well, I fixed it. Fix the problem. Ash is in charge of bringing through the monies. Yes. And I just want to say,

I don't have any teeth left to pull out to get my name from Vic. But what do you got? This is a four-week segment. Thanks to our friends at Audi. And we do love that. We always talk about Audi. Yes. Yeah. We love.

We spoke about their ginger beer last week, just on a whim. Delish. They're getting on a whim sponsorship. So you've secured this? Yeah. Let's go with that. And so it's stuff we thought we knew as adults until we became parents. And I put a little shout out to the listeners.

I think even you were surprised at how many people responded. Yeah. All 70 odd of them. I got in like 12 hours. I was like, oh, fuck. Anyway That Ash was online Someone was like

Ash what are you doing here You don't belong here I know I'm like this is my group too guys come on So shop smarter When you shop at Audi So the idea here here is Matt

The people write in Things that they thought they knew Before becoming parents And we've got a couple Just to rattle off So I'll start From Donna Who Donna is a top contributor

Like me In the Facebook group As per what it says Next to my name on there Which I was just as shocked The guys at Facebook Are just like Ah give him that

How do you have that title? How is that? I'm a hard worker, guys. I'm carrying this team. My shoulders are killing me. As from Donna. Donna thought, kids will fit into our lives, not the other way around. Let's all laugh out loud.

Nap, nighttime schedule. The stress is real. Oh, they have complete control over us. I love it when you meet people that don't have kids yet. They're like, they're going to work around us. No. Bullshit. Absolutely not.

Donna, you're not alone. This one's from Angela. And I said I wouldn't let my kids ever each. sugar before the age of one. The first one was 12 months, and the second child was 10 months, and six months was the last. I see a trend. Don't have any more kids.

It would come out in the womb and be like, hey, have a lollipop. They'll come out at Easter. They'll be like, here, I'll play the kids to chocolate one. This one's from Stacey. They will eat what I put in front of them. That's garbage. Because I'll just tell them, that's all we have. What the fuck was I thinking?

I know. When people have fussy children, I'm like, you've just got to, you don't give them the choice. Alright? You just, you put the food down and you make them eat. I know. My mom said that to me. She was like, your problem is that you give them options. I was like, no, I don't. I give them one option. Eat or starve. We just ate it because we were so scared when we were kids. They were being belted by wooden spoon. Mom's like, eat the apricot chicken. And the parent, the audacity of our parents to be like, you would just give you a choice.

We ate dinner with you fucking hovering over us with a spoon. Yeah. But you cook the meal with. Yeah. You're charging at us with it like a bloody, jousting I can't, I honestly can't even look at Shogginov anymore. I get the jitters. Alana, I said I would never co-sleep and we had kids in our bed for eight years. Oh my God. I know I was like, co-sleeping is such a hippie, weird thing to do and now I'm like, come here!

What's the kind of a daddy? You're not going anywhere. I even had to apologize to a colleague because I judged her so hardcore for it. Oh my. Oh, there's two types of being an adult. I mean, there's two stages, sorry. There is pre-kids and post-kids. And pre-kids is fucking delusional.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Everyone, like, when someone tries to give you any sort of chat about kids when they don't have kids, just shut right up because it's going to be the opposite of what you think it's going to be. I know. I thought I'd never yell. Oh. I was like, when I was a child, I didn't remember being yelled at and enjoying it.

So I'll never yell at my children. I know, same with the screen. I was like, oh, my kids aren't going to need screen. I'll tell you right now that they've saved my life those screens. Like, for God's sake, like, give them a screen. Thank you everyone who wrote in, and we're going to do it for the next couple of weeks. So if you've got one, please send it through to us on Facebook, Instagram, whatever you like. We'll try and read out as many as we can.

Matt, who do we thank for this segment? We want to give a big shout out to Aldi. Good, different. Remember, shop smarter when you shop at Aldi. So even if you're a dumb parent like we all are, it doesn't matter. We can kind of rack that with the smart shopping at Aldi. Well said. We should probably get out of here, if I'm honest. We probably should. It's best. And also my tummy is so rumbly right now.

I got a wee-wee because I've had four sparkling waters. I'll join you. I'll hold yours, you home on. I'm just a reminder that I am no longer begging for reviews. I am begging for subscriptions. And no, I haven't started only fans. What I mean by subscriptions. We could.

We will do a video on this to explain how this works in case people don't know for the boomers out there. who listen to the podcast. We love you. We do. But you can obviously listen to us, but you want to subscribe to us, make sure that the new episodes get delivered directly into your inbox every single week. That's what we need you to do. Slide in, over, under, around.

They're coming straight in at you. And there is one more thing. It's social media related. Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook group. Join the conversation. Join the movement. That's an egg. No, I'm kidding.

Oh, fuck you. No. Anyway, yes. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Two Doting Dance podcast acknowledges the traditional custodians of country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to their elders, past and present

and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people's today. This episode was recorded on Gatigal Land. Join the movement. Come on, guys. Join the movement. It wasn't that bad, was it? Yeah, it was good. Oh, my God. How cute.

Yeah. Cute? Thank you.